Chapter 1: Chapter One
“Type! Type! Did you know?” Techno came rushing into the locker room, bent over at the waist, huffing in breaths as I glanced over my shoulder towards him. He hadn’t even changed out of his soccer uniform yet so whatever gossip he’d heard must have been out on the field, making him rush in here to tell me.
“Why are you being so noisy?” I shut the locker before I turned to look at him, swinging my bag onto my shoulder. He was still bent at the waist, dragging air in at a rapid pace so I cocked my head to the side, watching him. “Have I heard what? If you don’t tell me I guess it’ll remain a mystery.”
It was no secret that he couldn’t keep a secret, it was like there was no filter between his brain and mouth, everything just came spilling out. He meant no harm by it though. It wasn’t like he went around listening to everything that he could and then running off to tell everyone that he could possibly tell. It was just that… he couldn’t help himself. There was no ill will behind his actions, just a lack of self control.
Techno waved a hand and looked up at me. “Your roommate is gay.”
The words felt like cold water being thrown in my face, my grip on the strap of my bag tightening until my knuckles turned white. It wasn’t that I had a problem with the LGBTQ+ community. I didn’t, I was fine with them. I never really had any interaction with them and it was the way I preferred it. I left them alone and they left me alone, I stayed out of their way and they stayed out of my way. A simple solution for something that I didn’t really view as a problem but had no other way to word it as.
Situation? Was that a better way to word it or view it? Whatever.
To know that I had been living with a gay man, sleeping just feet away from him for months now was a shock to my system. I hadn’t known, hadn’t even suspected anything. I had been fond of him as well, viewed him as a friend of sorts. Not as good a friend as Techno but I had known Techno longer but three months later I had viewed Tharn as a friend.
“How’d you find that out?” I asked in a soft voice. All Techno did was wave a hand towards the field, meaning that he must have heard it from someone out there. Gossip always spread out there between the players. I never really paid much attention to it because you never knew the other side of the story, and it was too difficult to get to the bottom of it most of the time. Took too much effort to try and figure everything out.
I could get to the bottom of this piece of gossip though.
“Hey! Type! Where are you going?!” Techno called after me as I walked past him. I didn’t know where he had heard that Tharn was gay from or where that person had heard it from but I could ask the subject of the gossip myself. There was no reason I couldn’t. I was his roommate, it would be letting him know about the gossip going around campus while clarifying everything at the same time.
It would be fine, I would be fine.
When I finally returned to the room, I bounced my leg in a rhythm as I waited for Tharn to return to the room. It wasn’t a nervous energy. I wasn’t nervous. Just restless. The asshole was taking too long to get back and I was tired from walking a path around the room. I’d forced myself to sit down when I’d started to worry about wearing a path into the floor and how suspicious it would look to him when he got back. The handle turned and the door opened, Tharn stepping through the doorway before shutting it behind him.
About damn time. He typically got back before I did.
“Hey Type.” Tharn glanced at me as he walked past, dropped his things on his bed. His eyes travelled over my face and I lent away from him instinctively. His brows shot upwards when I did and it was a fair reaction. It wasn’t like he’d never looked at me before. “You okay? You look tense about something. Bad day at classes?”
“Are you gay, Tharn?” The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I’d had a plan on how to ask him, how to bring the topic up. Just throwing it in his face without warning hadn’t exactly been the plan. That was my impulsive behavior coming into play but here I was.
Good job, Type. Way to go.
To my surprise, Tharn’s expression didn’t change to one of surprise or anger. It didn’t shift at all. He just looked like I’d asked him if it were raining outside or not. Just another question to be asked in another conversation, not one that was weird or strange to bring up out of the blue with no prompting.
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “Not like I’ve been hiding it from anyone or anything. I just also don’t go around broadcasting it. Not really anyone else’s business, though. I don’t care if people know either.”
It was a reasonable stance to take. There were plenty of supportive people on campus and people who just didn’t care either way. Of course, there were people who would make an issue out of it but Tharn was large enough that, if they were smart, they would leave him alone. And it wasn’t anyone else’s business unless he wanted to tell them. Whoever had gone off sharing the information had pulled an asshole move, honestly.
“Oh. Well, I won’t tell anyone so don’t worry.” I said and slowly inched my way down the bed away from him. He’d turned his back to me so maybe he wouldn’t notice the movement. I was moving at the pace of a sloth practically so I wouldn’t draw attention to myself.
“I appreciate that. We going to have problems at all?” He asked and I gave a small sound to tell him we wouldn’t while shaking my head. Not like he could see that but whatever, the sound would get my point across. “Then why do you keep moving away from me like I’m going to attack you or something, Type? It’s like you don’t want to be around me.”
I froze in place, heat creeping into my face. Did the man have eyes in the back of his head or something? How had he known that I was moving at all? And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around him… I just didn’t want to be this close to him. In the same room was perfectly fine but being this physically close to him… I wanted to put more distance between us.
The fact that I could reach out and touch his back made me… nervous.
Standing up, I forced a laugh that sounded fake even to make and winced a little. It was stupid, I should just be honest with Tharn but the walls that I had built to protect myself held strong, preventing me from trying. Even a small explanation wouldn’t do, there was nothing that I could think of to say that wouldn’t terrify me.
“Just surprised is all. Give me a few days and I’ll be all go-“ I yelped as I fell backwards, my foot catching on the foot of the bed. That’s what I got for walking backwards and not watching where I was going. Tharn had quick reflexes, turning and reaching out to stop my fall, would have stopped me from hitting the ground if I hadn’t slapped his hands away from me in a panic. My ass hit the floor and I deserved the pain that slammed into me, deserved however long that pain would follow me around for.
“Don’t touch me!” I snapped and looked up at him, my glare faltering at the look of hurt that flashed across his face. Even through the cloud of panic that had rushed in at me, I knew that Tharn didn’t deserve that. I’d lived with him for three months and he’d never once touched me or said anything inappropriate to me, hadn’t even looked at me in the wrong way.
If Techno had never told me that Tharn was gay, I never would have known, never would have had a reaction like this to him. If I tripped like this before I would have let him grab me, would have grabbed onto his arms as quick as I could to stop myself and laughed about it. I wouldn’t have smacked his offer to help away.
It was my fear and panic that snapped into play before my logic could.
“Tharn… I’m sorry. That isn’t… I shouldn’t…” What was I supposed to say to him? An apology didn’t erase what I’d done or the hurt that I’d caused him. It didn’t take the words back and magically make everything disappear as if it hadn’t happened. There was a reason I’d done what I had but it wasn’t like I could tell that to him. I’d never told anyone beyond those who already knew about it. It was a festering wound that had never gotten the chance to properly heal and I was so used to taking care of it like this now that I didn’t know anything different.
“Its fine. I’ll try and keep myself out of the room as much as I can from now on to make things easier for you. Just let me know when you think you’ve adjusted enough to have me around again. Just leave me a note or something.” He said and began to gather up his clothes to go to the bathroom.
Before I could say anything else, he disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door between us. I fisted my hands in my hair and pulled until it hurt, resisting the urge to scream in frustration. It was my fault, I knew that. I needed to figure out how to fix what I had done, how to maybe explain things to him without dragging up the memories that I tried to keep at bay.
Tharn had been avoiding me for nearly a full week and it was beginning to piss me off. It was like he knew my schedule and intentionally went out of his way to make sure that he didn’t come into contact with me. He would be in bed by the time I got back to the room and gone by the time I got up. He changed the paths he took to his classes, so I had to give up on catching him that way.
When I actually managed to catch the man to talk to him, the first thing I very well may do was going to be to hit him.
I knew he’d told me to leave him a note but damn it, my pride wouldn’t let me do that. I wasn’t going to leave him some stupid note and then wait in suspense for him to either write back or show up randomly. He could stop avoiding me and talk to me, even if I had to knock him over the head and tie him to a chair to do it.
Which, at this point, I’d actually do.
The door to the dorm room slammed shut behind me and I threw a glare at it over my shoulder. Everything was making my mood sour recently and it was starting to annoy my friends as well, especially since I couldn’t explain to them why my mood was the way it was. All they knew was that I was in a shitty mood.
In my irritation, I didn’t hear the shower running until I had the door open and I had one foot inside. The sound of running water drew my attention away from my thoughts and to the scene in front of me. A scene that had heat coming up the back of my neck, into my cheeks, and the tip of my ears.
Tharn stood beneath the spray of water, his front facing me with his head tipped back to rinse the shampoo from his hair. Water rushed down his skin and I followed the path it took with my gaze, following it to his cock. Even as he was now, unaroused and disinterested in anything, he was large and I found it hard to pull my gaze away from him. My heart thumped loudly enough in my chest that I was sure he was going to hear it.
So I grabbed the handle and slammed the door shut as hard as I could, earning a surprised from Tharn. Now to figure out how I was going to explain why I had slammed the door. I held the handle in a vise grip, unable to bring myself to let it go. It felt like I was glued to the spot.
I had just seen Tharn, my gay roommate, naked and hadn’t minded it one bit. Had been impressed by was I had seen. Had liked it. What the hell?
“Type? What the hell? That scared the shit out of me!” Yeah, join the club on that one. Tharn tried opening the door and I held tighter to it, pulling it shut again. When he tugged again to try and open it, I pulled back, bracing a foot against the wall and lent back. “Type! Open the damn door!”
Hell no. Not until I had a chance to slow my racing heart and center myself. My roommate could just stay right where he was, there in the bathroom. It wasn’t going to kill him. He jerked on the door and got it open a few inched before I tugged it back shut again. Why was the man so strong? What did his parents feed him?
“Are you trying to keep me in here? What are you doing?” He asked and banged on the door. I’m sure our neighbors were thrilled with us at the moment given it was late in the evening, but I didn’t care. They could deal with it and yell at me later if they wanted.
“It’s the only way I can get your annoying ass to stay in one place long enough so I can talk to you!” I snapped. “I’m not leaving you some stupid note like a schoolgirl when we live together. You can stay in the bathroom and listen to what I have to stay because you’re being annoying and pissing me off!”
Tharn stopped pulling at the door and was silent for a few minutes before he knocked on the door lightly. “Fine. Go ahead and say what you want to say. I’ll listen but I don’t promise to accept what you say. I’ll listen though.”
That was better than what I thought he would say. I thought he would have told me to get lost, that he wasn’t interested in listening to what I had to say to him. When I had finally cornered him, I had been braced and prepared for a fight to get him to listen. At least he was willing to listen. Just… what exactly was I going to say? I had him trapped to where he had to listen, but I had no idea of what to say to him. Over the days I had thought about it but had come up with nothing.
“Okay. What I did was an asshole thing to do. I shouldn’t have done it. I get that, I acknowledge it. I don’t have an excuse for it because there isn’t an excuse. There’s a reason for my reaction but it isn’t something that I want to talk about right now.” I kept a firm hold on the door, foot braced against the wall. “I honestly don’t have a problem with you or you being gay and I’m not demanding that you accept my apology or anything. Just… Can you try to not touch me without warning?”
I spoke without thinking, going with what came to mind, not thinking about what I said before I said it. Not the best idea most of the time but in this moment, it felt like the best thing to do. I couldn’t think about what I was going to say, couldn’t overthink it all or second guess myself.
Tharn was quiet on the other side of the door long enough that I thought he wasn’t going to answer. All I wanted was some sign that he had actually listened to me, had actually heard me. It was up to him whether or not he accepted what I had said. I couldn’t force him.
“Will you talk to me if you’re ever in need of someone to listen?” For a moment I wasn’t sure what he was talking about and then I understood. Would I talk to him about why I had reacted the way I had if I ever needed to? There wouldn’t come a time where I needed to. I kept it tucked away where it only hurt me in small amounts rather than in crushing waves.
I nodded at the door slowly, even if it was a lie. “I don’t know if that’ll happen but if I need a friend to talk about it, I’ll come and talk to you. Will you stop avoiding me now please?”
“We’re friends?” I scowled at the door and nearly kicked it as I lowered my foot from the wall. This man was seriously getting on my nerves, the very last one that I possessed.
“I never said that we weren’t You were the one avoiding me like a five-year-old. You even changed the way you went to class so I couldn’t talk to you.” I snapped. When he tried to pull the door open I held it shut again, staring at the door with wide eyes. We may have been talking but that didn’t mean what I had seen earlier had magically left my mind.
There was no way he was leaving that room without clothes.
“Did you get dressed in there?” I asked. I could only imagine how confused he was by that question. I wasn’t letting go of the handle until he answer though.
A small sound of confusion came from the other side of the door, I’d permit him that. It wasn’t a question that was thrown at him every day. “Yes? I brought sweatpants in here to change into after I was done. Am I allowed to come out now or do I have to sleep in here tonight?”
Keep those types of comments up and I’ll hold the door like this all night, asshole. I thought and made a face at the door before releasing it and hurrying across the room to my bed. I dove under the covers as he came out of the bathroom, peaking over the top of the blanket at him.
Tharn looked at me with eyes that I’d never once paid attention to before but now I realized were striking and beautiful. It was no wonder the girls all over campus swooned at the sight of him. And, obviously, some of the boys did too. Did boys do that? Did they swoon or did we have a different word?
They. Did they have a different word? Not we. They. Them. Not me.
“Must be shy after saying all that?” He asked and I slid my hand out far enough to flip him off without saying anything. He grinned and had my stomach typing itself in knots. “I won’t mention it again. I’ll try and make sure I don’t touch you without warning. How do you want me to wake you up in the mornings now?”
If my body kept reacting the way it was, he was going to be free to smother me in my sleep and find himself a new roommate because I had no idea what it thought it was doing but it most certainly was not running by my program here.
“Shake the bed or something. You’re stroke, you could just flip it over if you wanted.” I muttered at him and was a little more pleased than I should have been at the sound of his laugh and the knowledge that I had been the cause of it.
The number glared back at me through the darkness as I shifted on the bed for the, what felt like, hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes. I’d been sleeping peacefully when the slamming door somewhere on the floor had jolted me away and now, I couldn’t drift back to sleep. Not when the dream I’d been having was stuck in my head.
It had been of Tharn in the shower, his body slick with water as it had been when I had seen him. His hands weren’t running through his hair though. One had been fisted around his cock that had stood hard and proud now, stroking a slow path against it while the other had gestured me forward to join him.
And I had, willingly. Dream me had shown no hesitation or fear in joining Tharn. Only eagerness and a strange sense of trust that part of me wasn’t willing to look at just yet. There had been no fear when his hand had released himself and moved to my body to explore and drift down, drift lower. The door had woken me before anymore of the dream me was touched but I was sure there would have been no fear then either.
Even now there was no fear. I hadn’t woken afraid or trembling like I did when nightmares chased me. I woke with a raging hard on that wasn’t going away no matter how much I tried to ignore it or hard shifted about and I had been trying my best. It was becoming uncomfortable at this point, making a clear statement.
Deal with me or suffer.
I slid out of bed and moved quietly to the bathroom, locked the door behind me. I didn’t need any surprise visitors for what I was about to do. Least of all the cause of this situation, thanks to that stupid dream that had invaded my mind. Not that I would be thinking about him at all. The object of my fantasies would not be a muscular drummer that was currently asleep in the other room.
As I shoved my boxers down, I closed my eyes and thought about the latest video that had been shared in a group chat. I thought of the slim waisted girl riding the man as I stroked myself steadily, thought of her soft moans, and the way her breasts swayed while she moved on top of him but got no where with that memory. Fine, just not in the mood for that memory. I let my mind wander, letting it slip into my imagination.
The hand around my cock was that of a woman, her hand soft as she stroked me. I let my mind dive deeper when I got nowhere with that, my frustration growing. There was no specific woman that I thought of when I pictured a mouth wrapping around my cock but I did it anyway, still getting no where even as my mind went that direction.
It wasn’t until the fantasy of the fingers wrapped around my cock turned to the slip ones of my roommate, the mouth enveloping my cock shifting to the one of my roommate did I get anywhere. He wasn’t here but I could imagine his voice in my head as my body pitched itself higher towards pleasure. I could imagine how he would say those words to me.
Its alright, Type. I’ll help you. I know you need it. I’ve got you. You can come for me. I’ll take care of you. Come for me, Ty-
Tharn’s voice cut through my fantasy, the sound of my name on his voice making my orgasm slam into me. I bit down hard on my lower lip as I came to keep myself quiet, to stop the moan that had built up in my throat. Come covered my hand and my breath left me in shaking pants. I’d never had an orgasm that intense before and I didn’t know if it was because of the fantasy, by being startled, or a combination of both.
“Type?” A knock on the door. “Are you alright?”
I’d just fantasized about my gay roommate, gotten off to said fantasy, and had the best orgasm of my life as a result. I was just peachy. Totally fine, thanks for asking. Pain in the ass. This was all his fault.
“Fine. Stomach is just upset. I’ll be out in a second. Go back to bed.” I said, cleaning myself up.
“Yeah. I don’t need you to tuck me in. I’m a big boy.” I muttered. I didn’t want to have to look at him when I left the bathroom. There were many things that were going to be running through my head now and looking at him was only going to make it worse.
What the hell was going on with me?
Chapter 2: Chapter Two
Was it kinder to wake him from whatever was chasing him in his nightmare, because no dream treated someone so harshly, or leave him be? Would the embarrassment be worse for him to face than whatever followed him? Hitching breath brought my attention back to him and I was surprised to see tears slipping free from his closed eyes.
I don't know if I'll have Lhong be the bad guy in this or not. It's possible but, we'll see where it goes. At the moment it's up in the air. 100% have plans for P'San though. Also, if Tharntype was triggering for you at all, please take care of yourself and read along with care. Nothing is ever talked about explicitly here in regards to Type's past but mentions are made and I'll try to put a reminder at the beginning of each chapter that they happen in.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
When I woke up in the morning, Type was still curled up in bed with the blanket pulled over his head. I’d woken up in the middle of the night to the sounds of heavy breathing coming from the bathroom and Type missing from his bed. I’d been worried about him in that moment, unsure of what was going on with him.
He hadn’t seemed annoyed when I checked on him, just had told me to go back to bed. I had done so, though reluctantly and had laid awake until he had returned to bed a few minutes later. Nothing had been said and I didn’t know how long it took him to fall back asleep, if he even managed it. I hadn’t heard any sounds of him being sick from the bathroom but then, I wasn’t sure what exactly had woken me up. All I had heard when I woke was heavy breathing.
I wasn’t sure if I should bother waking him or leave him to sleep. If I left him to sleep and he didn’t want me to, he’d get mad but if he wanted to sleep, I’d be in the same boat. As I gazed at the ball beneath the blanket that was my roommate, I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Rock and hard place, that’s what I was stuck between.
Waking him up would be the best option.
I reached out to grab his shoulder and stopped myself before I touched him. His words from last night rang through my head again. For some reason he didn’t want me to touch him without warning, though he hadn’t told me why. It had left me with a number of questions, but I hadn’t pushed for answers despite the strong urge to do just that. I doubt it would have gotten me anywhere and I had gotten the feeling it had taken a lot for him to tell me even that small amount.
Grabbing the edge of the bed, I shook it like he had told me to do last night. A groan came from beneath the blanket and he shifted beneath it, tugging the blanket closer around him like he was afraid of it being pulled away.
“What?” He mumbled, his voice pitched deeper with sleep, a sound that I had always found to be attractive. Why else would I be so willing to wake the man up as often as I did, even when he tended to be an asshole when woken up? He got grumpy sometimes.
“It’s getting late, Type. You need to get up for classes.” I said and straightened up. The man made no moves to shove the blanket away like he typically did. “Do you still not feel good from earlier?”
A grunt of confirmation came from him and I glanced towards the clock. I needed to get to classes but part of me didn’t want to leave him here by himself if he were sick either. I glanced back at him. “Will you be alright here by yourself if I go to classes?”
“Yeah. I’ll let Techno know I’m missing classes. He’ll grab the work for me.” He muttered and slid his hand out to grope around for his phone that was on the bedside table. I grabbed his phone and handed it to him, making sure that our hands didn’t touch. The phone disappeared beneath the blanket with a grunt of thanks.
Type’s typical method of communication in the mornings.
“Need anything before I leave?” I asked.
“For you to leave so I can go back to sleep. Annoying.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed a sticky note, writing down my number and attaching it to the stand next to his bed before I turned to walk to the door.
“My number is next to you. Let me know if you need anything before I come back. I’ll try not to be too late. Alright?” I spoke as I walked across the room, glancing over my shoulder. Type had moved enough to stick his hand out far enough to flip me off. When I laughed he jerked it back into the confines of the blanket, apparently satisfied that his message had been conveyed.
“Asshole. Get out.”
I shook my head and left my roommate to sleep off whatever he’d come down with, heading off to class with worry nagging at the back of my mind.
That nagging worry hadn’t left me hours later and it was near impossible for me to focus at all. My mind kept wandering to Type, worrying about whether he was really alright or not. It wasn’t like he was one that reached out for help when he needed it, he tended to do things alone. And now, would he let me know if he were sick or would he suffer in silence? I couldn’t focus on the lesson, kept forgetting to take notes. My mind just wasn’t here.
It was back in my dorm room with my roommate.
If my friends had known what the cause for my poor mood the previous days had been, they likely would have told me not to worry about him. His reaction had hurt, there was no denying that and I wouldn’t deny it to him if he asked. He had said we were fine, but then rejected my attempt to stop him from falling, told me to not touching him. Two things that countered what he had just said, but it had been the fear in his eyes that had hurt the most. Like he thought I was going to do something to him.
So I had avoided him completely. Not only had I been in a shitty mood, I hadn’t wanted to look at his face and see that fear aimed at me again. Being trapped in the bathroom by him had been a surprise and annoying but it was the only way he was going to get me to listen to him. If he had left me a note like I had told him to, I probably wouldn’t have read it for a while, if at all.
“Tharn? You alright?” Lhong tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. I glanced at him and gave him a small smile in response to his concerned look. I wasn’t sure how long he had been talking to me and how long I hadn’t been listening to him. I’d been sitting there drawing a circle in my notebook for a while now, the page was starting to tear because of the overlapping ink marks.
“Mmm… Just can’t focus is all.” I replied and started tucking things away in my back as the teacher dismissed us. There was no reason for me to stay here if I couldn’t focus. “I’m going to head back to my room. Take notes at the other classes for me? Please?”
Lhong nodded in response and I slipped out of the room, heading back to my dorm silently. Type was still curled in bed when I got back, but the blanket had been kicked away from his body and hung off the bed now. His breathing was rapid as he slept, his chest falling and rising quickly, his skin damp with sweat.
“Type?” I set my bag down by the door before crossing to him. He was curled on his side, his eyes squeezed shut and his fingers curled into the sheet tightly. His breath came in rapid pants and he drew his legs in closer to his chest, as if he were trying to shield himself from something. I eased myself to sit next to him slowly, concern growing as I watched him.
Was it kinder to wake him from whatever was chasing him in his nightmare, because no dream treated someone so harshly, or leave him be? Would the embarrassment be worse for him to face than whatever followed him? Hitching breath brought my attention back to him and I was surprised to see tears slipping free from his closed eyes.
What was he caught by?
“Don’t go, Type.” His voice was full of fear and it broke my heart to hear. It wasn’t the voice I was used to hearing, the sure and confident voice. There was desperation in those words, pleas that he wouldn’t hear in his sleep but that he desperately wanted to be heard. “Please, don’t go. It’s not safe.”
“Type… Wake up.” I shook his shoulders as gently as I could. I didn’t want to scare him, but I didn’t want to leave him trapped with whatever haunted him there either. Hands gripped at my shirt as his eyes opened, but even as he looked up at me I could tell he wasn’t here with me, that he was still trapped somewhere else. There was fear in his eyes, but this fear wasn’t aimed at me and it wasn’t that of a grown man, but that of a small child.
Faster than I thought he could move, his hand snapped out and his fist made contact with my jaw, sending pain singing through my head. The man may have played soccer, but he could land a punch well enough. Anger flared instinctively, who wouldn’t be angry at being punched? But it died away when I looked at him and saw his gaze bouncing around the room with wide eyes, his gaze landing on me and recognition flooded into them.
“T-Tharn.” His voice trembled as he spoke, still sounded soft and small. So unlike he normally did. Every instinct in me told me to wrap him in a hug and never let him go but I knew I wasn’t allowed to do that, that doing that would only make things worse. Unwelcomed movements here weren’t what he needed or wanted, something told me.
“There you are. I was wondering where you’d gone off to in your dream.” I said, removing my hands from his shoulders, holding them up so he could see them. It felt like I was handling a caged animal, being careful not to make sudden movements or spook him more than he already was. His gaze still bounced around the room as he sat up slowly, as if he were expecting to find something lingering in the corner somewhere. “You go-“
Type launched himself at me, his arms going around my waist and his face pressing into my shoulder, cutting off my words in surprise. No part of him was steady. He trembled as he curled his fingers into my shirt, his breath left him in shaky spurts and I could practically feel his heart racing in his chest. He may have been an image of touch and fierce outside but in this moment I saw the soft and vulnerable Type that he kept tucked away.
The one that was desperately seeking comfort.
“I’m going to touch your back, okay?” I asked. His head found its way to my neck and he buried his face there as he nodded his head. I moved slowly as I placed my hand against his back and rubbed in soothing motions. Any comfort that he wanted to find, I wanted to give to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Something warm hit my head and Type shook his head, leaving no room for questions. Not that I would have pressed. If he wanted to tell me, he would in his own time. Demanding an explanation would do no good, would only hurt him in the end. I wanted him to know he could trust me, that he could rely on me for things in the future.
“Then we’ll just sit here.” I said, absently stroking his hair. The anger and irritation that I had left towards him over the past few days was no where to be found. All I wanted to do now was to keep him safe and protected here with me, to soothe away whatever fear clung to him in his sleep.
I did exactly what I said I would. I sat there with him in silence, alternating between stroking his hair and rubbing his back. I offered him no words of comfort, I didn’t think he would have taken them even if I would have tried. Not to say that I couldn’t have given a book worth of them to him, I could have. It just wasn’t what I thought he needed or wanted. More than anything, it just felt that he needed someone to be there with him, to not leave him alone.
Yes, I wanted to comfort him in every way possible, but it wasn’t about what I wanted. It wasn’t about me at all.
When his grip on my shirt relaxed, I stopped touching him, unsure if he’d still be accepting of my touch now that he seemed to have centered himself again. It was a few minutes before he pulled himself back away from me without a word, without a glance in my direction, but I had seen his red, puffy eyes. It had been tears hitting my neck, but I made no comment in regard to them as he stumbled off to the bathroom.
I didn’t follow after him, didn’t knock on the door to check on him. I gave him the privacy I knew that he wanted. I could only imagine what the normally hot-tempered man who kept things to himself was thinking in that moment. After all, he kept things to himself. He had told me not to touch him, then changed it to not to touch him without warning. Suddenly he was clinging to me as if his life depended on it. If I were him, my mind would have been in a storm of thoughts and confusion on that alone. And that was without knowing what he had just been drug through in his nightmare.
Tharn's bits won't be as long as Type's, full disclosure. It's easier for me to write as Type for some reason. I think it's because I sympathize with Type more because of his past and I know how he feels. So I can just get into his head space a little easier. So we might have more Type sections as well but I'll try to alternate them as much as I can. No promises though.
See you in the next chapter!
It was close to a week since Tharn had woken me up and everything that followed that had happened. For anyone outside looking in at the situation, it wouldn’t have looked like a big deal. Someone being comforted after waking up from a nightmare, a simple thing. It happened, adults suffered from them just as much as children did, were troubled by them just as much as children were. It was a lot for me, though. I didn’t seek out comfort from people, I dealt with things on my own, figured out how to handle them by myself unless someone came across me having problems and even then, I still tried to sort it out myself.
When I got sick or didn’t get enough sleep, sometimes the nightmares crept up on me easier, but I handled them on my own. I didn’t go off seeking comfort from people. Least of all my gay roommate. The situation would have been the same if he’d been straight, however. I wouldn’t have gone seeking comfort from him in the form of a pat on the back or a drinking buddy. I dealt with it on my own and moved on.
But there in that moment, I’d done the one thing that I’d never thought I’d do. I’d sought comfort in him. Before I had even known what I was doing, I had latched onto him and all but burrowed myself into him. And he had accepted me without hesitation or pressing questions, even considering the fact that I’d punched him. I had found warmth and a sense of comfort that I hadn’t felt in years in his arms. The strength there, the sense of safety I’d felt is what had brought the tears on so easily.
He’d felt them, there’d been no way he hadn’t with my face buried in his neck, but he hadn’t asked any questions. Just sat there in silence with me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. Gestures that had been so soothing and so comforting, I hadn’t known what to do with myself. As my heartrate had settled out and returned to normal, I found myself sitting there longer than I needed to. I was steady again, I didn’t need to be there anymore.
I wanted to be there.
When I’d pulled myself away, his shirt and neck had been damp with tears but he’d made no comment about them, made no comment when I’d stumbled off to the bathroom. He had left me in peace while I had been in the bathroom, just sitting there, trying to get my head back on straight. My heartrate might have settled but my mind certainly hadn’t. Even when I finally came back out, there weren’t any comments from him, something I’d prepared myself for. A teasing comment to break the tension or a question to see if I were alright. All he had done was toss me a bottle of water then return to the studying he’d started while I had locked myself away.
For some his reaction might have seemed cold, a little heartless, but there was nothing kinder that he could have done for me. To make a big deal out of it would have made me want to disappear on the spot and never be seen again. I didn’t want to talk about it. Pushing me to would have turned things sour very quickly, would have brought things I didn’t want rushing back doing just that. He’d let me go without the pressure of anything that I feared I would be faced with.
That wasn’t to say that he didn’t watch over me.
Over the past few nights I had been pulled from the dregs of nightmares, surfacing long enough to feel a vaguely familiar presence. A warm presence, a soft touch on my head, fingers moving over my hair. It chased away the darkness and fears, letting me slip back into dreamless sleep.
I had noticed that Tharn looked tired though, like he wasn’t sleeping as well as he used to. I hadn’t asked him why, he wouldn’t have given me an honest answer if I had anyway. Instead, I’d faked being asleep one night and moved about on my bed like I thought I might if I had slipped into a nightmare with my eyes shut tight.
I wanted to see if my suspicions were correct or if I were thinking incorrectly.
Sure enough, within a few seconds that familiar warmth was close to me, that familiar touch on my head. He’d spoken soothing words to me and I’d still my movements slowly. He sat there with me for a long while, making sure that I didn’t slip into another nightmare, just stroking my hair before he returned to his bed. Before he did, his lips touched my temple in a feather light movement that sent my heart racing.
While Tharn had slept the rest of that night, I hadn’t. I had never felt him do that before but the gesture was so light, so gentle it wasn’t a surprise. I only surfaced enough to know that someone was there, but I didn’t need to be afraid. And with as long as he had sat there with me, it was no wonder that he always looked tired now.
The idiot. He was going to make himself sick pulling a stunt like that. Which was why I was going to let him anymore. If he could sneak around to take care of me, I could call him on it and do this one small thing to let him get a good night’s sleep. It wouldn’t kill me, and it wasn’t a big deal. I could do it and I would do it.
“Type? Aren’t you going to head to bed?” Tharn asked. He was already in bed, laying on his back and looking at me, who was sitting on the edge of my own bed lost in thought. I glanced at him and knew he would act like he was going to sleep but would be laying there waiting to soothe me in my sleep.
I snatched my pillow up before I stood up and closed the small distance between us. He looked up at me with a questioning look as I looked my foot and shoved at his leg that was beneath his blanket. When he didn’t move, I shoved again, harder this time and glared at him.
“Move over.” I said.
“Why? It’s my bed, why would I not use all of it?”
“Because I’m sleeping in your bed with you. So, scoot the hell over.” I snapped. If I hadn’t of had to psych myself up to do this the surprised, borderline dumbfounded look on his face would have been hilarious, but I was on the verge of shoving him out of his own bed because I was nervous.
“Why?” He pointed at my, now vacant, bed. “You’ve got your own.”
No shit I did. I was all too aware of it.
“Know that. Also know what you’ve been doing every night since you woke me up from my nightmare. It’s why you look so damn tired all the time now. You don’t get to sleep and probably don’t sleep well when you do.” I held my pillow up when he opened his mouth to argue with me. “Argue with me. I dare you. I’ll smother you with this pillow and you’ll get a damn good sleep tonight. Try me, asshole. Good choice, knew you weren’t stupid. When you come over and are near me, it seems to do the trick so just move over. I’ll sleep here in your bed. We’ll both get to sleep. It’ll be fine.”
This time, he made room for me and I joined him on the bed, dropping my pillow down next to him. He tucked the blanket up over me after I joined him in the bed and I felt my legs bump against his, now acutely aware of the fact that we were both just in t-shirts and boxers, but it was too late to do anything about that. Whatever, it’d be fine. He chuckled and I glanced towards him.
“You know, you’re technically sleeping with me.”
At one point in time I would have recoiled at that statement, would have very likely run from the room and not looked back. Now I shifted onto my side, turning my back to him quickly, thankful for the darkness that engulfed the room when I turned the bedside lamp off as heat crept up over my skin.
“Do you want to die? Shut the hell up and go to sleep before I knock you out with my fist. Asshole.” I snapped. Tharn laughed and I felt him shifting behind me, felt him settle onto his side facing away from me in his normal sleeping position. Not that I had ever noticed that’s how he slept before.
I definitely hadn’t.
I woke up warmer than normal, heat pressing into my back. I also woke up groggy, the sleep I’d been swept down into having been peaceful and nightmare free. If I had dreamt at all, I didn’t remember it. All I knew was that I had slept hard and deep. And it was hot, damn it.
As I tried to sit up, I felt arms tighten around my waist and I remembered, quickly, where I was. My bed was across the way from me, vacant and unused for the night as I gazed at it. I was in Tharn’s bed with his arms around my waist, drawing me back against him. I hadn’t thought about this, hadn’t thought of the potential ways that we could end up waking up. Sometimes he slept like this, I’d seen him do it. I’d made fun of him for it, in a lighthearted, teasing way before I knew he was day. So, I knew he wasn’t doing it intentionally, already knew that he wouldn’t do it intentionally.
Shit, how did I get out of this?
The back of my neck was nuzzled as Tharn burrowed himself closer to me and a shiver raced down my spine, my heart slamming around in my chest. It was odd, though. While every part of me was primed and ready to feel fear, there was none. I felt no fear or disgust, I wasn’t even uncomfortable with being this close to him or feeling his breath on the back of my neck. I had taken time since finding out that he was gay to rationalize to myself that he hadn’t once touched me in any way that made me uncomfortable, hadn’t ever done anything to make me afraid of him. Maybe that was why?
Not being afraid didn’t explain what I was feeling though. It didn’t explain the thrill that went down my spine when his nose brushed against the back of my neck or the sense of anticipation that danced over my nerves. I was curious. I was… excited.
Heat flooded my face and I was lost for what to do. I wanted to move away but push myself closer at the same time. For years I had been afraid of being close to anyone that way gay, had done my best to stay away from them. Now here I was, caught in turmoil by the sole one that had broken past that wall I had put up to keep them out. He had gotten close and turned everything that I thought I knew about them upside down.
The foundation that I had built my fears on had been shaken by him. Not everyone of them was like that man. The logic had been built by a scared child, but it had never been challenged or changed until now. Now it was confronted with facts that were vastly different than before and everything was crumbling, changing.
I was curious, excited, confused, and scared all at the same time. Not scared of Tharn, but of what I was feeling. It was something I’d never felt before, a new feeling that I had no idea of how to face or address. How did I address the fact that I was possibly attracted to a man? How did I even determine if that was accurate?
A warm hand splayed flat against my stomach, bare skin hitting bare skin as my shirt had hitched up during the night. My muscles jumped beneath Tharn’s hand but there was still no fear or disgust, only more excitement as my heart raced faster. More curiosity. His thumb stroked my skin and it was like all blood rushed south as I hardened, grabbing onto his wrist quickly. Not because I was scared but because I knew Tharn would be horrified with himself if he touched me any further.
“T-Tharn.” I hated that my voice wasn’t steady when I called his name. I felt small and vulnerable, but I guess that’s what happened when you stumbled into new territory. You felt small and vulnerable as new things were presented to you, everything foreign to you, unsure of everything in front of you. Or behind me, as it were. He snuggled closer to me, pressed in tighter against me and I cursed how deep of a sleeper he could be. The man could sleep like the dead sometimes.
I gripped his wrist harder and sunk my nails into his skin. “Tharn! Wake up!” That got his attention as he tried to shake my grip off of his wrist with a string of curse words directed at me. I let them slide this once.
“What the hell, Type?! That hurt!” He snapped but I didn’t release his wrist though I did remove my nails from his skin. He was quiet as he processed our position and I felt it when he realized it. His body tensed and he tried to move himself away from me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I should have reminded you that I slept like this sometimes.”
I let him move his hips away from me, but I held firm to his wrist, didn’t let him release his hold on my waist. I liked having his arms wrapped around me, liked being this close to him. Somehow, I felt safe in his arms. Which made no sense. Every instinct that’d I had since I was a child told me that I should have been afraid, should have been trying to get away from him as fast as I could, but the fear was absent.
When he had drawn me closer back to him before I had woken him, I had felt that he was hard. It hadn’t scared me; it had made me curious. No fear rushed over me when I had felt it, nothing threatening to sweep me away and pull me down beneath waves of panic. Just a slow rise of curiosity. He tried to slip his wrist free from my grasp and I held tighter, refusing to let him go.
“Type, what are you doing?” He asked.
“You’ve got me confused, asshole. Nothing makes sense anymore.” I ignored his question. I didn’t know what I was doing but that didn’t seem like a good response. “I told you not to touch me because I’m afraid of your kind, of gays, but I’m not scared of you. I don’t mind it when you touch me. I like it. I should be scared of you holding me like this, but I’m not. I should be trying to get away from you, but here I am, holding your wrist because I don’t want you to move away. You’ve got me confused and it doesn’t make any sense anymore and I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?’
Tharn was quiet as I spoke and for a while after I fell silent. I didn’t blame him for it. It wasn’t his responsibility to fix my broken feelings or explain to me what I was meant to do now that I was confused like I was some sort of child. I viewed it as his fault, that didn’t mean it was actually his fault. It was only my view, not fact. It was something that I could vent my frustrations out at him, but he didn’t have to address, he didn’t have to do anything about. It was my problem, not his even if he was the cause of my confusion. My emotions were my responsibility, not his.
“Turn around, Type.” I was surprised by his words, but listened after a few moments of hesitation. I shuffled about on the bed and rolled myself over onto my side, so I was facing him, his face much closer to mine than I was expecting. Heat crept up into my cheeks, but I didn’t move back or look away from him, my eyes locked onto his like I was in some sort of trance. “I’m going to touch you, alright?”
It was embarrassing how quickly I bobbed my head in a nod, like I was a puppy waiting to get some sort of reward, but I nodded within seconds with no hesitation at all. To his credit, Tharn didn’t laugh, didn’t chuckle, didn’t even smile. I might have been eager, but I probably still would have hit him if he had.
Slowly, he slid his thumb over my cheek, tracing a path to my jaw and following the line to my chin. The path moved up to my lips and he brushed the pad over them slowly, my breath leaving me shakily. I hadn’t been holding my breath, I wasn’t stupid, but if felt like it was a little harder to breathe with his touch on me like this even if there was nothing intense or sexual about it. It was a slow touch, light and soothing in many ways.
It was intimate like I’d never experienced before. Tharn appeared to be becoming a first in many categories for me.
He tipped my head back and I pulled my gaze away from his lips, something I hadn’t realized I’d started staring at, hadn’t even realized that I’d lowered my gaze to, and lowered his head to mine. His lips, softer than I expected them to be, moved against mine gentler than I thought they would. Tharn looked like he could be rough, but I had seen his gentle side, had been on the receiving end of that gentle side recently. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I didn’t respond right away, my brain delayed a little in the response time, surprised by his actions, but it caught up quickly.
I knew how to kiss, this wasn’t completely foreign. Kissing a man, yes. That was foreign, but kissing wasn’t. My eyes shut slowly as I sunk slowly into the feel of his lips moving against mine, responded in kind. Still, there was no fear, no disgust rushing in to swarm over me. Only a steady rise of curiosity and the familiar feel of excitement creeping in stronger.
The kiss was gentle and unrushed, nothing like what I had heard about or had caught glimpses of before hurrying along on campus or turning my gaze away in clubs. Those had been intense and passionate, but this wasn’t, yet it still made my heart race. Still made me lean forward after him when he pulled away.
“Open.” A single word, a simple command which I obeyed without thought, listened willingly when he claimed my lips again, parting them to him and he slipped his tongue inside of my mouth. A soft moan escaped me, the intensity of the feeling sweeping over me. It wasn’t like I hadn’t kissed someone like this before, I had. This was just on a different level, it felt more intense, made my heart race and my skin flush with heat.
I slid my hands up along his back, clinging to his shirt as I pressed myself against him. For as close as I was to him, I wanted to be closer. Every nerve begged to be closer, this wasn’t close enough, I wanted to feel more of him. My mind was clouded with thoughts of him and only him, all rational thoughts going out the window.
Time slipped by as we kissed, I had no idea how much. It could have been a few seconds, a few minutes, or hours. I lost track of it all, didn’t care about any of it. I cared about the way his fingers had tangled in my hair to hold my head in place, how he handled me with sure, but always gentle care.
My hips shifted against him, my cock aching for some sort of friction or relief and Tharn tugged my head back with a gentle motion, coaxing a soft whine from me. That was something I enjoyed and hadn’t been aware of. Okay then, good to know for future reference I suppose.
I gazed up at him, a shiver or pleasure racing through me at the sight of his heated gaze. I liked the way he was looking at me, wanted him to keep looking at me like that, had the lingering thought at a distant part of my mind that I wanted to be the cause for that heat more than once. I could feel how hard he was when I pressed my hips closer to him, a new way of desire rushing over me.
A desire for him.
“I’m not sleeping with you right now, Type.” He placed a finger over my lips to cut off the protests that he may have thought were getting ready to spill out. I wasn’t going to fight with him on that. In truth, I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted, even now. I knew that I wanted him, but I had the issue of I didn’t know how I wanted him. I knew I wanted his hands on me, but did I want more than just that?
I didn’t know.
“I don’t want that right now.” I shook my head slowly, my hand sliding around from his back to curl into the front of his shirt. The lack of fear only fed to my confusion, only gave me more questions than anything else. Why wasn’t I afraid of him, why was I okay being this close to him, why did I enjoy it when he kissed me, why did I desire more from him?
So many why questions and I had no answers to any of them.
Tharn stroked my hair gently, a gesture that I had grown fond of and I slid my gaze away from him. What the hell was going on with me and why was my body not responding the way that I was used to? Neither was my mind for that matter. Everything seemed to be revolting against me, throwing a tantrum because of this man in front of me. It had all stirred up from when I had seen him in the shower.
“You need to learn to lock the door when you take a shower.” I muttered. If he’d locked the stupid door, it wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t be in this confused state. None of this would be happening at all. The door had a lock for a reason, why hadn’t he used it?
“You act like you saw something when you opened the door.” He said and heat rushed into my cheeks. Soon I wasn’t going to have any blood left in my veins because it was all going to either be in my face or in my cock, one of the two locations. Both bodily responses I hated right now. “I’m guessing you did, by your reaction. Did you like what you saw, Type?”
There was no teasing in his voice, just honest curiosity. God if there had been teasing I could have ignored him, stormed off out of the bed and into the bathroom, but for some reason because he hadn’t teased me, had asked me honestly without judgement or amusement, I felt the need to answer him.
“N-No.” I never said honestly, though.
“Were you afraid of what you saw?” I shook my head slowly, focusing my attention on a loose thread in the collar of his shirt. It became the single most fascinating thing in the entire room in that moment. Even as he rubbed my back, I couldn’t lift my gaze to him, the embarrassment too strong. “Will you be honest with me, Type? You don’t have to say it, you can just nod if you want. Did you like what you saw?”
I hesitated for a few seconds before nodding my head faintly, a small movement. It was a relief to hear no form of laughter from him once again, just quiet acceptance of my answer. It wasn’t that I expected him to mock me or tease me, but part of me did. After having turned him away, it was a bit of a turnabout on my part.
I was giving myself whiplash; I could only imagine what he was experiencing.
“Did you have a stomachache that night or was it something else?” He asked, his hand still rubbing a soothing path over my back. I squeezed my eyes shut as the memory rushed over me. No, I hadn’t had a stomachache. The furthest thing from it. I shook my head, my voice having gone offline some time ago. “Can you tell me what you were doing?”
Like hell I could. I couldn’t even say yes or no to the questions he was asking, what made him think that I could formulate any sort of verbal response to tell him what I’d been doing that night? Or that I would want to? Cue my impulsive nature that jumped out when I was in a situation that I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes it got me intro trouble, sometimes it got me out of it, then sometimes it put me into situations that I… didn’t know what to do about them.
Without thinking, I took his hand and moved it down to my cock, pressing his palm against me through my boxers. I was hard, aching for any form of relief that I could get, and I whined softly at the contact, my nails digging into his skin. My heart slammed wildly in my chest, the rush of anticipation something I wasn’t familiar with.
“Did you think of me?” A small nod. Tharn sat up and moved me into his lap so I was straddling him, letting me press my forehead against his shoulder. “Do you want me to help you now, Type? Over your boxers, under. Its your choice. Or I can let you go into the bathroom and put music on out here so you can handle things yourself.”
How patient could one individual be? He’d asked no questions when waking me, didn’t demand answers even when I’d hit him, accepted the small explanation I’d given him, pressed for nothing more from me. Demanded nothing from me, just was a steady and silent presence in my life. Granted, one that had thrown my life into chaos by tipping everything upside down, but he was still here.
Slowly I moved his hand up and pressed his palm against my stomach, feeling his skin against mine. My muscles jumped beneath his touch and when they relaxed, I eased his hand lower towards the band of my boxers. Every movement was slow, a gradual move downwards as I felt his touch, felt his skin move over mine. Even when his hand dipped beneath my boxers, I guided his hand only retracting my own when he took ahold of me with a gentle grip.
I whined, turning my face into his neck as my breath hitched, When I had lost myself in the fantasy of his hand being the one to drive me higher, I had known in the back of my mind it would be better if it were him gripping me and I had been right, even if I hadn’t acknowledged the thought at the time. His strokes were slow and steady, making me rock my hips into the motion as he went.
I didn’t know the number of partners he had in the past, wouldn’t judge him based on how many or how little, but he certainly knew what he was doing with his hands. There was no rush in his movements, no urgency to get the task done and over with. In time, I was panting against his neck, my fingers curled tightly into his shirt as I pulled myself in closer to him.
When he circled his thumb over the slit in the head of my cock, I nearly cried out his name, stopping myself by biting onto his neck. I heard the grunt from him, vaguely acknowledge it mentally that I had likely bit down too hard but didn’t release my hold for fear of losing control of my voice to the pleasure that I felt thrumming through my body. His strokes sped up almost as soon as I wanted them to, as if he instinctively knew when I would want to be driven faster to reach that peak that I desired. As I drew closer, I began to tremble, his neck smothering the whine that escaped me.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you, Type. Go ahead and come. It’s alright.” He spoke softly into my ear, giving me that final shove over the edge. The sound of his voice in my ear, the sound of my name leaving his lips had my orgasm rushing over me as I moaned against his skin. I made a mess of his hand and my boxers as I came but I didn’t care, my hips rocking slowly as I rode out my orgasm. His arm came around my waist, holding me against him gently. “There you go, good boy. Just relax now for a few minutes.”
The pleased feeling I got from the praise I received from him had me covering his face with my hand and pushing his head away from me as the tips of my ears went red, embarrassment settling over me. This man was getting on my nerves already.
“Shut up, asshole. I’ll put you back to sleep if you keep talking. Annoying.” I snapped. I could feel him smiling against my hand, felt the kiss he pressed to my palm and felt my heart trip over itself in response to him.
What was he doing and how was I supposed to react to him?
“I did sleep better, so thank you for that. You don’t have to do it again if you don’t want, though. I’ll be fine.” He said and I looked away from him. Not only had he slept better, but so had I. The draw of sound sleep with no fear of darkness dragging me down was so appealing that I didn’t care if I had to sleep with him in a small bed, I wanted it.
Not only that, but I felt safe with him.
“I’ll do what I want. I took pity on you last night. If I do it again, it’ll be for the same reason. Because you look tired and stupid.” I was muttering insult at him now, trying to find a way out of the conversation and getting nowhere.
“Most certainly won’t be because you want to.” He said and laughed when I squirmed my way off of him. There was no hiding the blush on my face in the light of the morning, so I turned my back on him while I wiggled my way out of the bed, shoving the blanket out of my way, glaring at it for being in the way in the first place..
“Who would want to? Be happy that I pity you.” I snapped before stomping off to the bathroom, my mind swirling with thoughts and my heart racing with feelings I needed to sit down and figure out.
This one came out longer than I thought it would, so I hope you don't mind that. Also, I 100% believe that Type is the kind that throws out insults when he's flustered/shy/embarrassed about things, but he eventually starts insulting Tharn as a form of affection. He expresses his love in the form of insults.
None of what I had experienced with Type is something that I would have thought would have ever happened. I hadn’t expected him to tell me to move over, to join me in bed, or to stay in the bed throughout the night. A few times I had woken up and glanced over only to find him sleeping peacefully next to me. He stayed there, nothing bothering him, no nightmares coming to chase him. It was the first time that I had seen him sleep without fear in a while.
So I had let sleep take me, comforted by the knowledge that he wasn’t haunted by anything as he slept next to me. It wasn’t an ego stroke, I didn’t have a big enough ego to think it was because I was there. Maybe he just needed to feel that he wasn’t alone, that someone was there with him to keep him safe, that he wasn’t alone. It was hard to say what it was that soothed him well enough to sleep, but whatever it was, I was glad that I was at least able to provide it.
The position that I had woken up in had been startling. Both of us knew I slept in that position, both of us had clearly forgotten about it. It wasn’t something I did often, but sometimes I would curl around a pillow, or my blanket if it ended up balled up. I didn’t remember turning to face Type, didn’t remember drawing him back against me, or snuggling into him but that’s exactly what I had done.
The pain in my wrist when he woke me up had been what I thought was the start of the pain. I had been braced for him to kick my ass and would have accepted it as well. His words had startled me, his confession not something that I had been expecting to hear from him. I understood what he meant though, had experienced something similar when I had been younger as well. The confusion was nothing fun, was something that could be terrifying
I could only imagine that it was scarier for him, given that he had told me that he had been afraid of the LGBTQ+ community, though I didn’t know why.
When I had him turn towards me, I hadn’t intended to kiss him. I had intended to talk to him, try to soothe away his worries as best that I could. It was the way he gazed at me that had turned my attention elsewhere, that had changed my intents. His gaze had locked onto my lips with a mixture of curiosity, desire, and uncertainty swirling in his eyes.
He wanted to, wanted to know but wasn’t sure.
I had told him before I touched him, knew he would respond better if I did so. It wasn’t a hard thing to do, something I could adapt to easily enough. It brought him comfort, showed him that he could trust me, that he didn’t need to fear me.
His lips had been soft, so soft when I touched them. I knew they would be, it hadn’t been a surprise. The surprise had been the way his breath had left him shakily by just a gentle touch, the way it had been difficult for him to pull his gaze away from my lips when I had tipped his head back. None of which he was aware of, I was sure. Perhaps he knew his breathing had been a bit unsteady, but I doubt that he knew that he had been focused so intently on my mouth, hadn’t wanted to move his gaze away.
Type had been more responsive than I thought he would be when I had kissed him. Part of me had been sure that he would shove me away and run from the room, perhaps hit me, possibly both. I hadn’t expected him to respond to me, to part his lips when I gave him the soft command to. Hadn’t been prepared for the soft sounds that slipped from him when my tongue had brushed into his mouth. The sounds he had made were nearly drug like, something I could very easily find myself getting addicted to.
Low moans, soft whimpers, and whines. I had wondered if he knew how easily aroused he became with just kissing when I felt his cock press into me. Desire, hot and intense, had rushed through me in that moment. There were many things besides kissing that I had wanted to do with him but making decisions in the heat of the moment like that would have done no good for either of us, had offered no good outcomes.
I wanted him to step back and think about it all, think about what he felt and what he wanted. I had been pleased when he had said sleeping with me wasn’t what he wanted right then, so in truth, I hadn’t really been turning him away. More just easing him back, slowing him down. He had sounded so confused and unsure about what was running through his mind, what he was feeling.
All things that I understood too well.
When he had told me I needed to lock the bathroom door, I had been confused. It had never been a problem before. For months we had showered without locking the door. We heard the shower running and knew not to enter, so I hadn’t quite understood why it was suddenly a problem until his reactions had told me what he couldn’t. He had seen me the day he had slammed the door shut. An interesting discovery.
I hadn’t been able to help myself, I’d asked questions because I had wanted to know the answers, not because I had wanted to tease him. His answers would guide what I did in the future as well. He was confused and I understood that, had felt that confusion in my own way before. I could help guide him through finding his own answers in time, if he allowed me to do so. I couldn’t give him answers, but I could help.
While I hadn’t slept with him, I had learned what it felt like to hold him in my grasp, what he sounded like as he was taken higher. The way he moaned my name, something I don’t think he was aware of doing, had been thrilling to hear. The soft whimpers and whines like music that I wished I could record and play over and over again.
He’d left a faint bite mark behind when he’d bitten onto my shoulder, not that I had really minded. I’d been forced to wear my shirts differently because I if I walked around with that on display, no matter how faint it was, Type was very likely to kick my ass for my troubles. I’d come to understand, very quickly, that if he were flustered or embarrassed about something, he’d throw around insults or threaten violence. Not the best method, but at least I had tuned into it.
Honestly, it was a little charming when you got used to it.
And even though I told him he didn’t have to sleep in my bed again, he continued to do it. Nothing more was expected from either side when he crawled into bed with me and in the days that passed since that first time, nothing more than that had happened. The days passed by peacefully, easily. There was no awkwardness or uncomfortable air between us. We woke up like normal, went off to classes like normal, returned to the room like normal, showered like normal, went to bed like normal, the only change being that we went to bed together.
It was like everything was… content.
That was how we’d gone to bed, no awkwardness, just lighthearted teasing. Telling him not to hog the blankets or I’d use him as one and he’d called me an asshole. I swore at this point it was a petname he’d given me. Some got called sweetheart or baby, I got called asshole. I’d take it.
Shifting on the bed pulled me from my sleep and the sound of hitched breathing brought my head around. Type was on his back, head turned away from me, but his chest was rising and falling in rapid motions. Had he slipped into a nightmare somehow?
I rolled over to face him and stroked his hair like I used to do to soothe him. The feeling here was different somehow. He didn’t seem afraid of anything, but I couldn’t place my finger on what it was that seemed different.
“Type. Wake up now.” I said softly, shaking his shoulder gently. Whatever state of emotion he was in, I didn’t want to scare him. I’d been decked by him once, that was more than enough for me. He was strong. And since I didn’t know what exactly he was going through, I didn’t want to leave him to suffer.
“Too hot.” He mumbled and kicked the blanket away from himself, revealing the problem. I lifted my brows towards him and tipped my head to the side. My roommate was in the middle of a sex dream and now making it difficult for me to sleep because of his squirming.
“Come on, Type. Wake up.” I shook his shoulders a little firmer this time, ignoring when insults were grumbled at me. Waking him up was never a fun task. I’d been called a number of creative names over the months, had long since started to ignore them. Was amused by the creativity behind a few of them, wondered where he’d learned a few of them from.
Type’s dark eyes opened slowly, his gaze finding mine in the dark. Though he was awake his breathing didn’t slow or steady but remained rapid and uneven as he looked up at me. Emotions swirled in his eyes and he drug me down closer to him by grabbing my shirt. I knew what he wanted when he tugged me close and I gave it to him willingly. I claimed his lips with mine, savoring the soft moan that came from him.
I didn’t have to tell him to open for me this time, he did so on his own and accepted the glide of my tongue against his with eagerness. His fingers twisted in my shirt when he tipped his head to the side, inhaling sharply as I gave a soft chuckle. The sight of his lips, red and swollen was something that I doubted I would ever grow tire of seeing and I’d only had the privilege of seeing it twice now. The flush of his cheeks only made the picture that much better. The man had no idea how appealing he looked like this, how needed he sounded when he whimpered my name lowly like he just had.
“Tharn…” He lent up for my lips again, but I moved back out of his reach, earning myself a frustrated glare from him. “You invaded my dream then wake me up and now this? You’re an asshole in every realm I come across you in.”
“What was I doing in your dream?” I asked. Type’s eyes darted away from mine, only perking my interest more. It wasn’t exactly hard to make him shy, but I still wanted to know. Especially if it was something I could do for him now. I wasn’t having sex with him until he knew where his feelings stood and he was completely ready, if it ended up being something he wanted, but helping him to explore in a safe place and a safe setting was something I could do.
Better someone that knew what they were doing and that he could trust to stop if he said stop than someone random.
“Was it like last time?”
“Yes. No. Fuck off!”
I grinned at him as the tips of his ears went red. God, he was cute, but I would never say that to him. I didn’t need to be punched or kicked for my honesty. I’d keep that bit of information to myself.
“Yes and no? Was I maybe using my mouth on you?” I asked and I lifted my hand so he could see it. His gaze traveled to it, followed it as I placed it against his stomach, slid it over his skin slowly. His muscles jumped beneath my touch. He turned his head away from me, his neck now turning red as I slid my hand beneath his shirt. My touch was slow and gentle as his breathing quickened.
Here I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or nerves driving the response, so I took my time, letting my touch linger on his stomach, stroking a slow and soothing pattern over his skin. When I heard a soft, familiar whine come from him I knew excitement was the driving force behind his response.
“Would you like to try that, Type?” His gaze turned to mine now, fear mixed with desire in his eyes. In my attempts to soothe him, I stroked his side slowly. “I’ll go slow and let you get used to me being there first. No rushing, you’ll be in control the entire time. You say wait, I wait. You say stop, I stop.”
A few seconds passed by before he nodded, the motion a slow one like he was still thinking about the answer. I wouldn’t rush him, had no need or want to. Building his trust with me is what I wanted, I had nothing to gain in pushing him. All I would do is hurt him, scare him. Neither of which I wanted to do. When he nodded his head a little firmer, I lent into him and kissed him, slowly and softly until I felt him relaxing beneath my fingers, a soft moan slip from between his parted lips.
Slowly I pulled his shirt off, leaving his chest bare to me. There were countless places on his skin that I wanted to leave marks at, the expanse of his chest being one of them. The path I trailed my lips down along his neck was another. Each park to show that he was taken by someone already, that he wasn’t available to those who turned their gazes towards him.
He wasn’t mine to mark like that, he wasn’t mine at all. And didn’t that just sting a little.
Fingers tangled into my hair when I stopped at one of the buds on his chest and drew it into my mouth gently. Whimpered words of protests filled the air, but there were two things that kept me where I was. One, the words weren’t distressed or ones of serious displeasure, but of someone shy at finding something they enjoyed. The second was Type’s hands holding me in place, drawing me in closer, his actions urging me on while his words told me how shy he was feeling.
I would pay attention to both his actions and his words, would listen to both, measure which I needed to acknowledge more. If his actions said to stop, but his words said otherwise I would listen to his actions. If his actions said to continue, but his words were firm enough when he said stop, I would stop. The body could want to continue while the person didn’t.
Attention was paid to the other bud, drawing out more soft whimpers and whines before I moved further down along his body, paying attention to his reactions all the while. If there had been a moment where he would have tensed up, I would have slowed down and redirected his attention until he relaxed against, but he seemed so focused on what I was doing, he didn’t tense. All he did was moan and squirm about, whimpering my name softly.
“Type? Can I take these off? Is that okay?” I tapped his hips to draw his attention to his boxers, of which his cock was straining against the confines of. When he lifted his hips up in response, I slid his boxers down and off, rubbing the top of his leg when he settled himself back down once again.
“Just… Go slow…” His voice sounded soft and nervous. When I glanced up at him, I could see nerves in his gaze, but there was also desire there, heat and want mixed in with it. And trust. He may not have been completely aware of it, but he trusts me here in this moment to be with him like this, to handle him like this. He trusted me to stop if he said stop, to do nothing more than he said was okay to do.
I would take that trust and build on it, strengthen it. When he had taken my had and put it against his stomach the other day, I had felt his muscles jump beneath my touch, but I had also felt him tremble. He hadn’t been aware of it, his mind had been focused elsewhere, but I had taken note of it. Had taken note of the slow way he had moved my hand downward, like he was adjusting to my touch and I had let him, given him all the time he had needed to move that small distance.
I’d have given him hours if he had needed it.
“You tell me when more is okay. I’ll let you get used to me being down here, okay?” I said and dropped a soft kiss to his stomach, his muscles jumping beneath my lips. I gave a faint smile at the feel before I moved my lips down to his hip, to the top of his leg, and down to his inner thigh in a slow, gradual path. As I moved, I kept myself aware of his reactions, listening to him.
The way his breath hitched wasn’t a signal of fear, but one of excitement. I had heard fear from him enough waking him up at night to know now. I should have realized that when I had woken up earlier, but sleep had fogged my mind, so I hadn’t tuned into it right away. His legs scooted further apart, almost as if in invitation, so I dropped a soft kiss higher up on his inner thigh, earning a soft whine from him. Here the skin was hidden away from eyes that could see mark left behind, a fact I was aware of.
Which is why impulsive Tharn decided to come out for a short while. I did what I had desired to do to his chest and neck. I left a mark there, drawing soft moans from him as I did so. He might hit me later for it when he realized it, but impulsive Tharn didn’t care. Future Tharn would, but well, that was his problem.
“D-Do it.” Type groaned softly. The nerves that I had heard in his voice before were no longer there, they were also gone from his eyes when I looked up at him. All that was there was pure desire and unmistakable trust.
I wondered, briefly, if he realized that he trusted me.
Regardless of his words, I started him slowly, gripping him and stroking him in a slow motion that he was familiar with. His hips lifted into my grasp and a soft whine filled the air. As I watched him, the realization that I could gain my own form of pleasure simply from watching him struck me. The first time I had touched him, I had gotten nothing in return, and I had been fine with it because watching to him, listening to him was pleasing enough.
This time, I wouldn’t get to watch him, but the sounds he would make would be much sweeter.
I ran my tongue from the base of his cock up to his head and his fingers found my hair, gripping the strands tightly, his breath catching in his throat. I’d have paid a good amount of money to have known what was going through his head at that moment, but as he guided me along without words, I got a sense of what he may have been thinking. His hips lifted with a soft whine, a signal that he wanted more.
My mouth replaced my hand and I listened to Type whine my name, a soft sound that filled the room. Hopefully the neighbors stayed asleep through everything or there would be questioning looks galore. I’d already been given a few but had managed to steer their attention away. I doubted I would be able to do it again though I would try.
Here and now, I didn’t care about it. Another problem for future Tharn. Now I worked Type higher with my mouth around him, cheeks hollowing as I sucked against him. Whines and whimpers filled the hair as his grip on my hair tightened. My scalp would be sore later, I was sure, but it drove me to go faster, to give him more of what he wanted and desired.
I didn’t rush him, though I drew him into my mouth faster. When he started to squirm about, I eased into a slower rhythm, even as his hips lifted from the bed once more. I knew what he wanted, wanted to give it to him, but at the same time wanted to savor the moment I had here. I didn’t know if I would have this chance again and if I would, how soon it would come again.
It was odd, having feeling for a roommate that had at one point, been the cause of my sour mood and the reason I had avoided returning to the dorm. Now he was the reason I returned to it more often, why I was there so frequently.
“T-Tharn…” I lifted my gaze up towards him when he moaned my name, had the pleasure of seeing his eyes go wide with surprise before his head fell back against the pillow and the taste of him filled my mouth. He’d been trying to warn me that he was close but hadn’t been expecting the sight he’d been greeted with when he’d looked down, was my guess.
It could be a surprisingly sexy thing to see, if you weren’t ready for it. Hell, it was even if you were ready for it.
“T-Tried to warn.” He panted and I chuckled softly at him. I flipped the blanket back up over him to give him the modesty I knew he would want as he came back down from the high his orgasm gave to him. He looked at me and I wiped at the corner of my mouth with my thumb, coming away with nothing. I glanced at it and then towards him, saw him follow my gaze from my mouth to my thumb and then lifted his eyes to mine.
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind the way you taste.” I said and dodged the kick he aimed at me, smirking as heat rushed into his face. He pulled the blanket up and over his head, taking refuge beneath it and I wandered into the bathroom, listening to the string of curses that he threw after me.
I was surprised when I walked out of class and saw Type waiting for me. Things had shifted and changed between us, certainly, but not to the extent that he’d be doing this sort of thing. At least, I didn’t think so hence my surprise, but I wouldn’t complain about it. I walked over to him and tipped my head to the side.
“What are you doing here? Long way from your area of campus, isn’t it?” I asked. His eyes bounced around the hallway as he folded his arms across his chest, a small scowl taking up residence on his features.
“Everyone else was busy. You get to keep me company, so I don’t get bored. Deal with it, you don’t have a choice.” He snapped before he turned and stomped off down the hall. Something told me he was lying, but I had no proof of it, not that I would have called him on it if I did. I didn’t want him to run off. I grinned a little and followed after him, falling into step next to him.
“So, where are we going?”
Type shrugged and continued walking, his shoulders gradually relaxing from their hunched state. Eventually we were off campus and then sitting down inside of a place to eat, taking seats across from each other, bags deposited in seats next to us, orders placed. Everything was delivered relatively quickly, the mood between us light and easy.
Our conversation flowed easily, bouncing from topic to topic, never lulling into an awkward silence. Which was a relief since it very easily could have done just that given everything that had happened recently. It made me believe that he didn’t have a problem with me. Well, there were other things that made me believe that he didn’t have a problem with me as well, but this was a nice plus too.
“Can I ask you something, Tharn?” Type asked without looking at me. All of his attention was focused on his food though he ate none of it anymore. It was an excuse not to look at me at this point. Whatever made him feel better, I didn’t mind.
“Yeah, go ahead.” I nodded.
He was quiet for a few seconds before he finally spoke up. “When did you know that you were… you know?”
I lifted my brows in surprise. Not the question that I had been expecting, though I hadn’t known what to expect, I could never guess what was going to come spilling out of his mouth at any given time. It was a constant surprise. Slowly I settled back in my seat and stretched my legs out, bumping them against his.
Another surprise when he didn’t shuffle himself away but stayed where he was. I told him of my first experience and how I hadn’t enjoyed it, how it wasn’t a good experience. I explained the uncertainty and confusion I had felt and how I had come to understand the way I enjoyed things, the way I preferred them. He listened without comment, without interrupting, without judging or joking, and nodded slowly when I fell silent.
“Did you ever try with a woman at all?”
I gave a small nod of confirmation. “I did, but I didn’t feel anything. There was just nothing. No interest, no response, nothing. You can’t force that something that isn’t there, it isn’t fair to yourself to try.”
Type nodded and pushed his straw around inside of his glass slowly. He seemed to be thinking about something, maybe thinking over what I’d just told him. I watched him in silence for a while, his straw taking the same path over and over again.
“Any reason you wanted to know?” I asked.
“I said we were friends, didn’t I? It’s fine for friends to want to understand things about each other, isn’t it?” He snapped, color creeping up into his neck. He shoved to his feet, a scowl back on his face. “And if I didn’t say we’re friends, then there. We’re friends. I’m going to the bathroom. Pain in the ass. You pay for this. Can’t even ask questions to get to know you without you wanting to know why.”
I watched him stalk off to the bathroom, grumbling under his breath as he went. He would hate it, but It was really hard to think of him as anything but cute when he got flustered like that. A faint smile settled onto my face as I paid for our meal. Friends, huh?
It was a start.
I hope you all enjoy the small bonding moments at the beginning or end of the chapters. There will be more of them as things go on. It's slow going, of course, at the start of things but as Type gradually lets his guard down, there will be more of them. I enjoy writing them. Next chapter might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'll put a warning for that at the beginning so if people want to skip it they can.
Stay safe <3
Chapter 5: Chapter Five
This chapter might not be for everyone, since there is some anal play that some might not like. It can be skimmed over since it doesn't take up the entire chapter, just a small bit of it. Thought I would give that warning here for those of you that would rather bypass that.
I hadn’t noticed the mark Tharn had left on my inner thigh right away and the thing was… I wasn’t upset when I found it. It had been the opposite. I had been oddly pleased by the sight of it, by the knowledge that it was there, a secret kept between the giver and the bearer. It had excited me when I had found it, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I had been at the dorm room. There I would have been able to take care of the issue, perhaps drag Tharn into taking care of the issue if he were around. He’d been the cause of it, after all.
I had not been at the dorm when I’d found it, however. I had been shut away in one of the showers of the locker room after practice when I had taken notice of the mark. As soon as I had seen it, as soon as my mind had registered what it was, where it had come from, my mind had rushed back to what Tharn had been doing, the way his mouth had felt around me, and the waves of pleasure that he had made me feel, and problems had arisen, quickly.
In a time where I couldn’t fix the issue. The level of frustration that I had felt in that moment hit the top of the scales, left the charts, reached its own category. I wasn’t about to get myself off with people in other show stalls and Techno waiting for me to join him. No way, that wasn’t happening. Absolutely not.
Standing under the spray of cold water had tampered down the hard on, but had done nothing for my temper, of which was starting to bubble. Who would have known that this level of frustration could make someone so pissy? As I sat waiting for Techno to come back with his drink, my irritation only grew, so I dug my phone out of my pocket and pulled up Tharn’s name to message him.
Tharn: Afternoon to you too. Something wrong?
Type: There’s something in the room that left a mark on my inner thigh. Need to figure out how to kill it.
Tharn: Maybe it was just cold because you hog the blanket? Should I buy a bigger blanket for our bed? Maybe that’ll help.
Type: Eat my entire ass. Asshole.
I was glaring at my phone when Techno walked over to me, sitting across from me in a slow movement, like he was afraid that I would throw my phone at his head if he made any sudden movements. While I was pissed, I wasn’t pissed enough to throw my phone at his head. The thing was expensive, and I didn’t particularly want him reading what was on the screen. I glanced at him and saw him looking between my phone and my face.
“Who made you mad?” He asked.
“Stupid roommate.” I muttered, still glaring at the screen. I could see that he was typing a reply, so I waited for it to come through so I could blatantly ignore it, just to annoy him. Let him see that I had seen his message and then had made the choice to ignore it. See how well he liked it. Prick.
Tharn: Is that a dinner invitation? I’ll accept it, if it is.
“What the fuck?!”
I hadn’t meant to yell, hadn’t meant to react at all, but apparently my brain and body weren’t on board with what I wanted today. I’d yelled and stood up, dropping my phone on the table while I gazed down at it with wide eyes. A phone that Techno was now reaching for, with a curious expression on his face.
“Jeez. What did Tharn say to make your face look like that?” He asked and I did the only thing I could think of to stop him from picking up my phone, which he was going to reach before I could. I smacked him over the back of the head. A little harder than I intended in my panic, so I actually felt a little guilty as pain shot through my hand. “What the hell!”
“Don’t go looking at people’s phones! Do you not have any sort of manners?” I snatched my phone up and locked it quickly before shoving it back into my pocket. “It’s none of your business anyway. Tharn’s going to get his ass kicked when I get back to the room. That’s all you need to know. Be on the lookout for a new roommate for me.”
Techno rubbed the back of his head as he glanced up at me. “You two aren’t having problems because he’s gay, right? I know it’s been a little while since I told you, but everything is cool, right?”
I hadn’t taken the time to think about things like I needed to, kept putting it off. Deep down I knew what the answer that I would find was going to be and wasn’t sure how to react to it. How to react to what I knew would follow. Because I would want more of him and there would be parts of me that I would have to share with him.
Things that I had kept tucked away for years and not looked at. Things that he had been chasing away at night without even knowing it. Sure, he knew that he was helping me sleep without fear, but he didn’t know the reason, the cause. It would be something that I would have to tell him and the idea scared me. It… terrified me.
“Things are fine. Why wouldn’t they be?” I asked.
“You were in a bad mood for a few days. Wasn’t sure if something had happened. Your moods always go everywhere though, so its hard to tell sometimes.” He said. I would have glared at him if he weren’t right. My moods were hard to keep up with sometimes, even for me. I said things that I didn’t mean and got tired of myself often enough. I could only imagine how everyone else dealt with me.
“That was nothing. We’re fine. We talked about some stuff and everything was fine afterwards.” I looked around slowly before glancing at Techno. “I’m going to head back to the dorm. I’m tired. Gonna go lay down or something. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I muttered and waved a goodbye to him before leaving.
I wasn’t the first one back to the dorm room. Tharn was sitting at the table with his laptop open in front of him, working on something when I came into the room. When his gaze turned to me, I dug my phone from my pocket and held it up, waving it around in front of me. One, to draw his attention to it so he would know what I was talking about and two, to use it as a possible shield if I needed to.
Super effective shield.
“What the hell is that?” I snapped, hating how my face was growing hot already. Could my body work with me for two seconds? “What does that even mean? How would that be an invitation?” I really wanted to throw the phone at his stupid smug looking face when he lifted his brows at me, and that irritating mouth smirked at me.
“Didn’t think I’d do it?” He asked and made me blink. Did I think he would do what? That? Why would I think he would do that? Was that a thing that people actually did? I had been kidding when I’d sent him the message, but he’d taken me seriously. What was I supposed to do with this information?
“W-Who would have thought you would?” I followed him with my eyes when he stood and made his way slowly over to me. He moved slowly, his gaze traveling over me like a predator that had just found its prey. It’s exactly how I felt too: like I was about to be devoured and it send a shiver of excitement down my spine for reasons that no part of me understood. I’d never been looked at like before, it should have terrified me. It didn’t.
I loved it when he looked at me like that, like I was the only thing in the world he needed to survive off of. No one had made me feel so wanted with one look like that, like Tharn did. One look from him and my body heated, my nerves danced in ways that didn’t make sense to me. I knew he wanted to put his hands on me, his hands and his mouth and I wanted him to.
Shit, I was in trouble.
“You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?” He backed me into the door, his hand slipping down to throw the lock into place. The closer he got to me, the faster my heartbeat in my chest, the quicker my breathing became. His presence was enough to send my nerves dancing in ways they shouldn’t. I should have been scared, terrified, but I wasn’t. Excited, curious, aroused. All familiar feelings that Tharn was able to stir inside of me.
I hadn’t been thinking about it, but I was now. I wanted to know what he meant by it, wanted to know what he would do, what it would feel like. The man had caught my interested and with the smirk he gave me, he knew it. I shook my head at him and fumbled to hold onto his shirt as his hands slid down along my waist in a slow movement that no longer startled me. He no longer had to warn me before touching me, it didn’t startle me.
“Do you want me to?” His words came out very close to my ear and I nearly whined at the sound, at how close his lips were to me. When the hell had I closed my eyes? Probably at the same time I had angled my neck to the side so he could press his lips against the sensitive skin there when he head dipped down. Why did it feel like everything was going in slow motion but rushing by at the same time?
Absolutely not, I didn’t want him to. “Y-Yes.”
Everything was a traitor about me today. Body, mouth, mind. All of it.
In a slow motion, Tharn pulled my shirt off and dropped kisses along my shoulder. The feel of his lips along my skin was a familiar, soothing feeling, as was the way his fingers slid over my sides, drawing me in closer to him gently. My mind was so wrapped around the feel of his lips against my shoulder, traveling to my neck that I didn’t register his hands sliding down my back until they were cupping my ass through my shorts, drawing my hips in closer to him.
There wasn’t a part of me, I had come to slowly realize, that didn’t trust Tharn. I wasn’t sure when or how it had happened, but it had. Somewhere along the lines the man, as annoying as he could be, had earned my trust. Maybe it was with the patient touches, the way he didn’t press me for explanations or answers to anything, just quietly accepted anything that I had to offer him, but he had earned it. That trust, however, didn’t stop my body from tensing every muscle, didn’t stop my fingers from curling into his shirt until my knuckles turned while.
“I-Is it going to hurt?” I asked softly. The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them, my gaze darting away from Tharn’s quickly. I didn’t want to see what was in his eyes. Whether it be curiosity or confusion, pity or some other emotion playing over his features. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to have to try to explain away why I had asked.
“No, baby.” The soft sound of his voice, the name made my face go hot, but I didn’t hate it. While my face grew warm, my heart did too. He nuzzled a spot on my neck slowly, his hands moving up from where they were to my lower back, stroking slow paths over my skin and I felt myself start to relax gradually, the tension easing from my body, the grip on his shirt loosening. “It won’t hurt. It might feel strange at first because you’re not used to it, but I think you’ll like it. I won’t do something that would hurt you without telling you first. Never.”
In that moment, my heart melted a little more for him. No questions were asked or answers were demanded from me as to why I had asked. Just a soft explanation and gentle reassurance, a gentle easing of hands to safer territory until my body had begun to relax, nothing rushed along. Everything that I had needed, nothing that he had thought I needed. A soft ache settled in my chest and I nodded, tugging him to me to find his lips with mine.
It was like Tharn knew what I needed when I sought his lips out. He gave me the slow, gentle kiss that I desired, only slid his tongue into my mouth when I let out a soft moan of pleasure. The need and desire for him was there, but it wasn’t burning like a roaring fire. It was more like a gentle flame that he continued to stroke and nurse to life inside of me.
He kept his hands where they were, stroking soft paths over my skin as he kissed me until I trembled against him, moving my fingers from his shirt to his hair. He kissed me until I was drawing myself in as close to him as I could get, soft whines coming from my parted lips, His hands pressed against my back in a gentle question and I nodded, hiding my face in his neck as his hands dipped down, cupping my ass once again.
Still, no questions were asked as to why I hid my face, why I reacted the way I did. Just a quiet acceptance, a patient touch as I adjusted to the feel of his hands there even if it wasn’t bare skin against bare skin. When he pressed a gentle kiss to my shoulder, I gave a small nod, granting further permission for him to proceed. He eased my shorts and boxers down, let them slide off, his fingers caressing bare skin.
“Still alright?” He asked softly and I nodded, squirming at his touch when his fingers danced closer. He moved them away and I whined softly in protest. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. The curiosity was rushing in, rising up inside of me. His hand rubbed my back gently, slowly. “Curious now? Come to the bed and I’ll show you. It won’t hurt, I promise. I’ll let you hit me if it does.”
“Like you could stop me if I wanted to.” I mumbled against his neck before I shifted back, letting him guide me over to the bed as he chuckled. I didn’t smack him this time for laughing, it was a fair reaction. I probably would have laughed too, if he had said something like that.
“Could try. Onto the bed for me. Other way.” He gestured for me to turn around when I moved to sit down. Heat crept up the back of my neck as I turned my back to him, crawling up onto the bed slowly. He was going to take too much pleasure out of watching me fumble my way around with new things, I was sure of it. “Lean down for me, but leave your hips up in the air. Grab the pillow if you want or need to.”
I did as I was told, dragging his pillow over to myself before I lowered my upper half to the mattress, leaving the… other half of me in the air as he’d instructed me to. This was an embarrassing position and I had the strong urge to crawl away to hide out of utter mortification. Why was I letting him do this again? What had possessed me to agree to this? Why was I so goddamn curious about these things?
His hands smoothed over my ass and I jumped in surprise, a soft whine escaping me. A soft chuckle came from him and I was sorely tempted to rear back and kick him. Teach him to laugh at me for being startled. Prick.
He was still a prick, but I didn’t feel like kicking him anymore. I nodded, hugging his pillow to myself. Why had I grabbed his pillow and not my own? I felt like an idiot now. The closer his fingers stroked along my cheeks, the faster my heart raced, my mind pinging around for what he was going to do, not that I could guess. Fingers weren’t part of the experience here, right? As far as I knew, anyway. Not that I was really opposed to it. Was I? I didn’t know anymore.
There was no preparing for the sudden feeling of Tharn’s tongue against me there, the sensation something I had certainly never experienced before. His scent swarmed around me as I turned my face into his pillow to muffle the cry that tore from my throat. Staying quiet was not likely a thing to happen in this situation. Who the hell would manage that when they had a man with the looks of an angel, but the mouth of a devil doing things like this to them?
Every time he moved his tongue against me, changed the pressure he was using, or did some toe-curling trick, I whimpered and moaned into his pillow, my face buried there to spare our neighbors. They were kind, but people could only be so kind before they got tired of hearing things over and over again. One thing I had found out thanks to Tharn was that I could be very vocal when touched the right way. And he, apparently, knew how to touch me the right way.
I turned my head to the side, pulling gasps of cool air, soft whimpers escaping from me. Despite how gently Tharn held my cheeks in his hands, I was nearly sure I would feel the imprints of his hands there for the next month, the memory of the feeling burnt into my memory.
“U-Use your fingers.” I whine out, my brain to mouth filter completely gone in my desire for him. I had been startled when he had first touched me when we had been by the door, but he had soothed that fear, had calmed the nerves that had come alive. With his patient touches and quiet understanding nature, he was stirring alive desires that I wasn’t aware that I had.
Well, this one I might have known that I had. I thought about his fingers a tad bit more than I should have, found myself gazing at them from time to time, thinking about how they would feel moving over my skin as well as other places. Maybe he was beginning to coax me into vocalize those desires as well. Which could be dangerous.
“Are you sure?” He ignored my whine of protest when he eased back and I nodded, my cheeks turning red quickly. I was on my back before he told me to move, his gaze telling me enough, tucking his pillow behind my head. I didn’t know how he wanted me positioned, but I would move however he wanted me, however he needed me to.
I watched as he lent over me to the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out a bottle of lubrication. It wasn’t a surprise that he’d pulled it out, that he kept it stashed there, but my gaze darted away as shyness crept over my regardless. It was a required item in any gay man’s sex life, should be used in anyone’s sex life if we were being completely honest. Proper preparation for any orientation was never a bad thing.
“Need it if you want me to, baby. Saliva won’t cut it and I don’t want to hurt you.” He said and settled onto his knees between my legs. That name again. It made my heart flutter to hear him say it and made me think that maybe I should find a new name for him.
“I know. Shut up.” I’d work on getting used to not insulting him first. I glanced down when I heard the bottle open, watched him as he squeezed some out and rubbed it between his fingers slowly. Oddly, I enjoyed watching the way his hands moved. When I glanced back up at him, he was watching me with an intensity that made me squirm.
Tharn’s gaze never left me as he pressed a slim fingertip against my hole. Instinctively I jumped, the sudden feeling catching me off guard and, as he always did, Tharn soothed me with his words.
“You’re alright. Just keep yourself relaxed for me, baby.” He said, circling my hole slowly. He dropped soft kisses over my neck and I slid my fingers slowly into his hair, my body slowly relaxing as I focused on the feel of his lips against my skin. He pressed against my hole before easing back, repeating the actions slowly and gradually, never backing off completely. Never leaving me to draw him back to me, just giving me time to get used to the feeling.
Always patient and kind, gentle.
My hips jerked up and my breath hitched when his finger slid inside slowly, my body clamping down around the intrusion instinctively. It didn’t hurt like I thought it might, but Tharn did have slender fingers and he’d only used one. It did, however, feel very strange. It wasn’t supposed to be there, but at the same time, it felt right. How did that make any sort of sense?
“Squirming won’t help, Type. It feels strange, but you’ll adjust. Do you want me to stop? We can. Just tell me.” I shook my head and he pressed a kiss to my forehead as I curled my fingers into his shirt. “I’ll only use one. Let you get used to that for now. Tell me if you change your mind and want to stop and we will.”
Tharn lent over me, his forearm on the bed next to my head and his eight balanced there as he gazed down at me. This time when I squirmed, it wasn’t because he’d started to slide his finger inside of me, though he had started to do just that, but because his gaze was focused on my face, his eyes roaming over my expression. I whined and turned my face away from him, an overwhelming sense of shyness coming over me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I tugged at his shirt lightly. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his mouth tip up into a small smile.
“Where else would I look? You’re the only one worth watching.” He replied.
Tharn’s finger slid deeper and stroked along inside of me slowly, making me tug harder at his shirt. I didn’t know what he was doing, but he could keep doing it. “L-Look at the wall. Asshole.”
“I want to see your face when I find it.” He murmured softly, making me give him a confused look.
“Find wh-“ The rest of my question caught in my throat as white hot pleasure crashed over me, rushing over my senses with an intensity that could have knocked me senseless if it had been a physical force. Though my mouth was open, no sound came out. It was like my body was unsure of how to respond to the sensation that swarmed over me, making me tremble beneath him.
“There it is.” Tharn said softly, his finger stroking whatever he had been in search of. He drew more trembles from me, my body coming back online all at once as a low whine came from me, my hips shifting in a slow rhythm with his hand. My fingers flexed over his shirt before I curled them into it, unsure of what else to do with them.
As he always did, Tharn took his time with me. He brought me up and then eased me back down before I felt over that edge into bliss. Soon my skin was damp with sweat, my breath coming in quick pants, body trembling with a need that hadn’t been met yet. He never rushed me, never took me anywhere too quickly, never sent me rushing anywhere at a speed that scared me. Never did anything that scared me.
“Please.” I moaned softly. Tharn brushed his nose over my cheek in a move that felt intimate enough to make my stomach flutter before he gazed down at me. The only way to describe his gaze was hungry, though there was a gentleness still there. He wanted me, I could see that clear as day in his expression, but at the same time I knew he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want, wouldn’t ask me to do anything to him in return. I didn’t understand it.
“Stroke yourself for me, Type.” He said and I obeyed only too willingly. I fisted my hand around my cock that was already leaking and built up a pace that Tharn matched. As he slid his finger inside of me, he stroked and rubbed at that magic spot he had found, making my body tremble beneath him.
I left one hand tangled in his shirt, an anchor for me to hold onto and pulled at it hard enough to have him leaning into me.
“C-Can’t.” I shook my head and bit down hard on my lower lip. There wasn’t a way for me to convey what I meant to Tharn, what it was that I couldn’t do, but thankfully he seemed to know what I meant as he glanced towards the wall that was the direct separation from our neighbors
“Can’t hold your voice back?” I nodded quickly. Not unless I bit onto something or buried my face in something, or he smothered me. Tharn whispered into my ear and I was done for. “Then let it out. I’ll handle them later for you, baby. It’s okay.”
His name left me on a cry that they no doubt would have heard. They would have heard the pleasure behind it, would have known that he was the cause for that cry. With as many times recently that I had cried out his voice, they would have been able to put together that he was involved in why it was so loud and so intense. No part of me cared about that knowledge in the moment, however.
Not as my orgasm slammed into me, come covering my hand and landing on my stomach, Tharn stroking that sweet spot as I rode out my orgasm. My hips rocked slowly as I panted, Tharn kissing my shoulder gently as he slid his finger free. When he rose, I let out a soft whine of protest, the sound something I wasn’t in control of.
I didn’t want him to leave me.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to go clean myself up and get a towel to clean you up with.” He said and I looked away from him. I didn’t know what to make of the fact that he had known what a simple sound like that had meant when it could have meant any number of things. How had he known that it meant that I was displeased that he was leaving me? What the hell?
A few minutes passed before he came back out, carrying a hand towel and sat on the bed again. I hadn’t moved at all, a mixture of being too lazy to and my limbs still to shaky to attempt it. Which felt a little silly to me. I hadn’t exactly done a whole hell of a lot, they shouldn’t feel as shaky as they were. With gentle movements, he cleaned me off, lifting his brows at me when he noticed me staring at him.
“You were in there for a while.” I muttered.
He laughed. “Just a few minutes, not that long. I brushed me teeth. I didn’t figure you’d let me kiss you if I didn’t, with what I did.” He brought his lips close to mine and my cheeks when pink. How could he say things like that without blushing or having no reaction at all? Hearing it made me want to crawl into a hole, I couldn’t imagine trying to say it.
I pressed my lips to his in a quick motion before looking away from him, turning my head away from him. After everything that he had done to me up to this point, why did he still make me feel shy? It didn’t make sense and it certainly didn’t seem fair.
“You’re going to rip your hair out if you keep doing that, Type.” I said, dropping my things just inside the door. When I returned to the room, Type was sitting on the bed, mine or ours however to refer to it now, with his hands fisted in his hair and was pulling as hard as he could. I was expecting a scream to come tumbling out of his mouth at any moment to accompany the image.
“I don’t care. Maybe it’ll open up space for me to finally get what the hell this means.” He replied with a flare towards the textbook open in front of him. For as long as I had known Type and had seen him study, I couldn’t really having ever actually seeing him struggle with anything before. He was wickedly smart and just seemed to absorb everything he read like a sponge.
It was a relief to see that he struggled like a normal person when it came to school.
“How long have you been working on it?” I asked and joined him on the bed, sitting by the head of it with by back to the door. I glanced at the book but made no move to offer any sort of assistance to help. I doubted I would be able to understand anything on those pages anymore than he was able to right now. Likely even less. I shook my head and glanced at him. It was later now, having stopped off to practice drums after class. Drumming on books or imaginary drums would only get me so far, I actually had to practice from time to time.
Type looked at the clock and squinted at it, gave a surprised look. “A few hours, I guess. I started when I got back. Stopped when you walked through the door. Ate before I came back though, so there’s that.”
No wonder he was getting frustrated. He was getting burnt out and probably getting a headache too. I gathered his things up, tucked them inside of his book and set it on the nightstand next to him, leaning over him long enough to do so. When he opened his mouth to argue, I covered it with my hand.
“You’re just going to get angrier if you keep going and I’ll be the one at the receiving end of your snide comments. You’re done for the night, I’m throwing in the towel for you. Consider it a gesture of kindness.” I grabbed his pillow and dropped it in my lap, patting it gently. “Lay down.”
He didn’t do it immediately but eyed me warily before he shifted his position and eased himself slowly onto his back, placing his head in my lap. As he gazed up at me, he folded his arms across his chest and scrunched up his nose.
‘Fine. There. Now what? Going to sing me a lullaby?”
The nice thing about having him accustomed to my touch was that it didn’t seem to startle him when I moved now, If he didn’t see me moving, I still told him I was going to touch him, but if he could see my movements, see where my hands were going, I had slowly started to not say anything. Had he voiced any displeasure, and I’m sure he would have if he’d disliked it, I would have immediately begun to tell him again, but he seemed to adjust as well. Seemed as if he were using it as a testing ground for himself too.
He still tensed when I touched him from time to time, but he relaxed into it with a few seconds of holding still, like it brought him some form of comfort. So, when I slid my fingers into his hair and he tensed, I held still. When he relaxed, I massaged the scalp he had been abusing minutes before he tensed, his body relaxing further to my touch as a small shiver ran down his spine.
“Tell me about your family.” I said. For a minute, I thought he wasn’t going to as he gazed up at me with his dark eyes that I knew held many secrets, none of which I would push at or demand to know, a quiet filling the room. Then he started to talk, telling me about his mother and father, the business they ran together. He didn’t delve into his childhood and while I was curious about it, I didn’t ask. I would gratefully take what he was willing to tell me, would leave what he didn’t want to mention alone.
While he spoke, I moved my fingers to his temples and started rubbing them, stroking small circles on his skin. I couldn’t hide the small smile that took over when his eyes drifted shut, the crease that always seemed to be between his brows easing away gradually as he relaxed.
Type’s family was small compared to mine. Just his parents and him, while there were three of us with my parents, so there was a bit more to tell him about, but I told him about them. Told him about my parents, my older brother, and younger sister. A few small stories from my childhood that brought out a small smile from him.
The knowledge that he was actually listening to me, that he heard what I was saying warmed my heart a little. I wasn’t quite sure when I had started to lose myself to my roommate, but here I was. Worried about what he thought, if he was really listening to anything that I said or if it was just going in one ear and out the other.
I continued to talk, telling him of random things that weren’t really important until I noticed that his breathing had changed, and his lips had parted just a little. Like they did when he was sleeping. Slowly, I ran my fingers through his hair, and he didn’t open his eyes to look at me, didn’t stir at all. Just remained asleep there with his head in my lap, like he didn’t have a care in the world, didn’t worry about anything while he slept.
“I wonder if you realize you trust me this much yet?” I wondered out loud. Type wasn’t the kind to fall asleep so easily around someone he didn’t trust. He seemed like the kind that would struggle to or, at the very least, want the other person to be asleep first before he drifted off to sleep. Maybe I was wrong, but that was just how he struck me. He had never said he didn’t trust me, but he had yet to say he did either. And one could do the things we had been doing with something they had just met; you didn’t have to trust them.
You didn’t even need to know their name.
I brushed my thumb over his lower lip gently and he grumbled softly, shifting onto his side, pressing his forehead into my stomach. I had no idea if he would ever share with me what it was that chased him in his sleep, that haunted him from his past, or if he would continue to carry it on his own. I would respect it even if it would pain me to watch him struggle with an unknown ghost. It was his choice to make.
If he made the choice to open up to me and share his burden, I would listen without judgement. I would help shoulder as much of it as I could. I couldn’t rush in and be a magical fix to whatever had hurt him, no matter how badly I wished I could be. That wasn’t how things worked, but I could be a source of comfort and support that he could turn to. Someone that he could count on to help him up when he stumbled, to remain him that he was loved and cared for, he wasn’t alone.
It seemed to be something that he forgot, that he wasn’t alone. He forced himself to face things, to deal with things on his own so often, I wondered how alone he felt sometimes.
I lent my shoulder against the wall and watched him as he slept, nothing there in his dreams to chase him through the night. I could move, lift his head from my lap so I could lay down next to him, draw him in next to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt… special to have him fall asleep here with me like this. So I stayed there like that, one shoulder against the wall, head resting against it, back exposed to the rest of the room with the knowledge I was going to be stiff and sore as hell in the morning.
The things you did when you were falling in love.
This one is shorter, so I might give another chapter later in the week. I like giving the bonding moments with these two, the softer, sweet moments from time to time. They're important, yanno?
Chapter 7: Chapter Seven
This chapter is a little angsty, but it's also an important chapter for Type so it can't be avoided.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The noise of the crowd around me and the music wasn’t what I wanted. Why I had let Techno and Champ drag me out with them I still didn’t know. One minute they had been talking about going out for drinks and the next, here we were, drinks in hand. Only… I had no interest in being here, had no interest in mingling with my friends or the women they brought over to talk with us. None of it was of any interest to me.
What I wanted was a quiet place to sit down and think, but every time I tried, I got interrupted. If I tried to sit down outside, friends came to distract me. Sitting down to think at the dorm wasn’t a good idea either. Too many things there to distract me, to draw my mind away from what I was trying to think about. It was starting to wear on my nerves, but not in the make me mad way. It was wearing on them in a want to sit in a corner and cry sort of way. Not a feeling I had exactly experienced before.
I had cried before, countless times. But crying because I couldn’t sit down and think about feelings that were confusing me, crying because I was frustrated was something that I hadn’t experienced before. In the past it had been because I was afraid, hurt, mad at what happened. My nerves were wearing thin and I was bordering on unsure of what to do with myself, with anything that was going through my mind. Perhaps not even bordering on unsure anymore, maybe I had already crossed into unsure.
“Type, this is Puifai.” Champ smacked me on the shoulder, and I looked to the woman he was introducing to me. She was lovely with a sweet smile as she lifted her hands in greeting. I nodded towards her, lifted my hands in greeting after I set down the drink I hadn’t touched, the one I had no interest in at all. Techno had shoved it into my hands shortly after I sat down, telling me that I needed to relax. He may have been goofy and strange to some, but he was more observant than some gave him credit for. He knew I was feeling off, even if I wouldn’t tell him why. “She’s been wanting to talk to you, but she’s been too shy to come and say anything.”
“Champ!” She swatted at his arm, but all he did was grin at her.
“So, why don’t you keep her company for a little while and talk to her?” He said. I knew what he was trying to do. and I genuinely wanted no part of it, but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings or embarrass her. I wasn’t a complete jerk. So, I nodded with a small smile and gestured for her to sit with me. I could manage some form of small talk. Maybe it would help take my mind off my fraying nerves for a little while until I could formulate some sort of escape, come up with some excuse to leave.
“Can we move to a quieter area? It’s a little noisy here.” She asked. I had to lean forward to hear her, her voice soft much like her shy smile was. I nodded and stood, wandering to the corner of the room where it was quieter and darker. She was soft spoken, so it was hard to hear her over at the table. A quieter area would be nicer on my nerves as well, the music having gotten on my nerves rapidly when we arrived, almost immediately.
I turned to face her and was surprised when she slid her arms around my neck, easing her body in against mine. At one point in time, I would have known how to respond, but as her lips found mine in a soft kiss that felt… wrong, my brain flipped off and left me questioning what I was meant to do. It didn’t feel wrong in the sense that we shouldn’t be doing it because it was against some rule or anything. We were both consenting adults, within our capacity to make the decision, neither one of us under the influence of anything. It felt wrong in the sense that it wasn’t what my body wanted. A small ache started in my chest, demanding me to acknowledge that it wasn’t what my heart wanted either.
Her lips were soft, but too soft. Her body that was curved against mine was soft and supple, not the hard and muscular that I was familiar with, the one that I wanted to touch, but never did because there was a lingering uncertainty. I didn’t know how, didn’t know what to do with my hands. The way she eased back to look up at me, waiting for me to take control and guide the mood along didn’t spur me into motion. My body waited for sure and steady hands with nimble and slender fingers to guide me along into new and unexplored territory. She gazed at me waiting for me to take control the same way that I gazed at him, waiting for him to guide me with his patient touches.
That ache was growing steadily, spreading.
Gently I moved her back away from me, giving her a small smile of apology as I stepped back from her. I couldn’t force something that wasn’t there, didn’t want to and it wouldn’t be fair to her if I tried. She’d done nothing to deserve it, knew nothing of the situation. It would be unfair of me to try and use her in that way, unfair to myself to try and force the feelings there. It would do more damage than good. Just like Tharn had said, you couldn’t force what wasn’t there. His words played in my mind as I watched her.
“Isn’t that why you brought me over here? It’s what people start up over here before leaving.” She said. I jolted in surprise and looked around. I hadn’t noticed it when I had come over, but there were couples spaced out along the wall, pressed close together, wrapped intimately together. The one closest to us broke apart and slipped off, heading for the exit at a rapid pace, a soft giggle coming from the girl that followed the man that led her.
I shook my head quickly, holding my hands up and took another step away from her, my back hitting the wall. I had to look like a pervert to her now, not something that I wanted nor something that I was proud of. In a slow motion, I slid down the wall until my ass hit the floor and I sat there, running my fingers through my hair. I felt like an idiot and now I felt like a jerk too. I was on a roll tonight that I didn’t know how to stop.
“I didn’t mean it like that at all. I just came over here because it was quieter than at the table. It’s hot outside so I thought staying in here would be better. More comfortable. I didn’t even notice the other people. I didn’t think. I should have looked. I’m sorry.” I said, pulling at my hair. Out. I needed out so I could think. I wanted an escape so desperately.
“Is there someone that you already like? Is that way?”
I glanced at her. She had knelt down in front of me and was looking at me with understanding eyes. There was no anger or hostility in her gaze, no indication that she was upset about the misunderstanding. All of which she would have had the right to, I would have understood. It was embarrassing for me to have been misunderstood, it would have been embarrassing for her to have misunderstood. Very slowly, I nodded at her. I didn’t know why I answered her question, I just did.
“Have you told her?”
At that, I looked way from her, heat creeping into my face. I really needed to figure out how to control that. It was annoying and constantly either gave me away or got me into trouble. Not for the first time I wondered if there was a way that you could train your body to not have a natural bodily reaction to being flustered or embarrassed, and if you could, how long would it take because I needed to start training myself immediately.
“Well, it isn’t me or this wouldn’t be an issue. Is it someone that I know? Or is it a guy?” I hunkered my shoulder in response, an unconscious movement. “Mmm, it must be a guy. I take it you haven’t told him? Wouldn’t it be better to? Either he feels the same and the two of you can be together, or he doesn’t, and you can move on to find someone for yourself. It might be scary, but it’s better than not knowing, isn’t it? It’s better to figure it out now than letting your feelings grow deeper, only to possibly get hurt in the future.”
It would be nice if it would have been as simple as that, so nice, if my past were simple enough that there wasn’t a whole explanation to have to tell him. A whole experience to guide him through, so that he would understand things better. So that he would understand me better. Understand why I did some of the things I did. Understand why I had reacted the way I had, reacted the way I did even now when he touched me. It would have been nice if things were nice and neat and simple, but they weren’t. They were complicated and confusing and scary.
“Go on home, Type. You don’t want to be here. I’ll make an excuse for you.” She said and patted my shoulder gently. She was right. I didn’t want to be here, hadn’t wanted to be here since I had stepped foot through the doorway. I wanted to be anywhere but in a crowded place, surrounded by noise pressing in from all sides.
“You don’t know me, and I just made this whole situation awkward. Why are you being nice to me? Shouldn’t you be mad or something? I’d deserve it if you were.” I asked.
Puifai tipped her head to the side and smiled at me. “You’re already having a hard time, Type. And sometimes people are just nice, not everyone is a jerk. I’m not mad. Maybe a little embarrassed, but I’ll get over that. It won’t be the end of me. I’ll dust myself off and try again. Now, come on. Go home, Type. I’ll talk to your friends for you. Don’t worry.”
I got back home a little while later and the room was empty when I did, my disappointment rising a little. I had wanted him to be here, had wanted to see him when I got back. That he wasn’t here left me feeling lonely and a little empty. Another feeling that I wasn’t used to feeling. When had it gotten to the point that I was lonely if he wasn’t around me? That I had come to miss him if I got back to the dorm and he wasn’t here? I guess I had gotten so used to him just being here, being around me that his absence was more pronounced now that my emotions were stirring up inside of me.
Silently I stripped out of my clothes, letting them stay where they fell until I stood in just my boxers, looking at my drawers of clothes with a sense of disinterest. Without a word, I turned and crossed to Tharn’s wardrobe, pulled it open and drug out one of his button-down shirts. I shut the door and pulled it on, leaving it to hang open as I stood there in front of his wardrobe, feeling foolish for having just stolen one of his shirts, but not caring at the same time. What did it matter anyway?
The thing was too big for me, my fingers hidden in the sleeves and the hem falling past my butt a little, but I didn’t care. It smelled like him and it made me feel better. I grabbed my phone and moved to the bed, snatching the blanket up and crawled beneath it. I pulled it over my head, so I was completely covered by it and pulled my phone up, pulling up the text message thread with Tharn.
Type: Where are you?
Tharn: On my way back to the dorm. Why? What’s up?
Because I miss you, you idiot. You’re supposed to be here and you’re not. You’re some place I don’t know about. And I feel stupid and confused because I’m lonely. I thought. Suddenly my vision blurred, and I shoved my phone away from myself, pressing the heel of my hands into my eyes until colors exploded there, something I used to do as a child because I thought it was cool. My breath hitched and my chest ached worse than it had before, fresh tears spilling free.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Tharn must have been very close by when I had texted him because the door opened suddenly, shutting a few seconds later. A bag dropped and I heard shuffling as shoes were removed.
The sound of his voice blurred my vision all over against and I pulled my knees as close to my chest as I could get them. Why did my heart and mind have to be so difficult? I wanted to tell him everything, it hurt too damn much not to, but I was too afraid to at the same time. One of them was going to have to give tonight, or I was going to go insane. Given the situation, it was easy to guess which was going to lose and which was going to win.
“What are you doing?” He joined me on the bed, sitting next to me and lent forward to move the blanket, was my guess. I could feel the bed shifting, could make the guess from the way it shifted beneath his weight.
“D-Don’t.” I meant for it to be loud and firm, the snapping kind of tone that I always managed to do, but it came out as a soft whisper. He heard it though, because he stopped, didn’t move the blanket even though he held a corner of it, cool air creeping into the heat that had wrapped around me.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, concern obvious in his voice.
“I’m mad.” Not completely accurate, but it would suffice for now. Conveying everything that was going through my head, everything that I was feeling was going to be hard enough. Wording it correctly was going to be difficult enough too, I’d be fumbling my way through it at best. I wasn’t the best with words, never had been. How did I tell him that I was lonely without him because he brought me a sense of safety that I hadn’t felt in years, that I hadn’t thought I’d ever feel again? He soothed pain that sometimes just stung in the background instead of burning hot, but never completely faded away.
How did I tell him that even though I felt broken beyond any form of fixing or repair that I had feelings for him, wanted to be with him, then tell him everything that had happened in my past even with that overwhelming fear of him leaving gripping me? It could be too much for him to handle, he could decide it wasn’t worth it and leave, then I would be alone again.
“Shut up.” I cut him off. “Just… Listen. Don’t talk or interrupt me or I won’t be able to get through this. I’m mad that you weren’t here when I got back, and I didn’t know where you were at. I’m mad that I’m mad about it. I’m mad that I was lonely when I got here, and you weren’t here. Because there’s no reason for me to have been lonely just because you weren’t here. It was like that for months before and I was never lonely when you weren’t here. I was just fine.”
As I spoke, tears started to flow freely, and I knew he was aware that I was crying. It could be heard on my voice and the way I breathed. Slowly I began to punch the top of my leg with a closed fist so I could focus on anything but the aching in my chest that was growing stronger as I spoke, that had grown stronger when he had walked through the door, when he had spoken, when he had sat down next to me. I hated being this vulnerable, had never wanted to be this vulnerable again.
“I’m confused because of you. I miss you when you aren’t around, and I want to see your stupid, annoying face. I sleep better when you’re next to me. I’m taking one of your stupid shirts with me when I go home for a visit even if I have to steal the stupid thing. I don’t care. If it isn’t you, I don’t want someone touching me like you do. I don’t have an interest. A girl kissed me tonight and I felt nothing. I thought about you and how it felt right with you.”
God, I felt like a child as I rubbed at my eyes, trying to clear them of tears. I was a grown man, but I’d never felt this exposed or vulnerable with someone else before, never been so close to laying everything out in the open for another person to see, to an outsider of the situation to see. Yet, here I was, so close to breaking down and telling him because the ache inside of me told me to, told me to not be afraid with him.
A soothing hand touched my back and a shudder rocked my body. How many times had I craved a comforting touched, but refused it out of fear? I didn’t want pity, but the glimpses of emotions that I had caught in his eyes when I reacted the way I did had never been pity. Just patience. Tharn had offered those comforting touches countless times over the past few weeks and I had been willing to accept them, come to crave them and the warm, safe feeling that wrapped around me when he gave them to me. My breath hitched when he rubbed my back and I hit the top of my leg again, sure that there would be a red mark there later.
“You walked past the wall I had up to keep your kind away because I was afraid. You got past because I didn’t know you were gay and then I learned the truth and it flipped everything upside down because you weren’t like I thought you’d be. Then it was like you saw the other wall and decided to walk right past that one too. And I’m just mad. No one told you that you could do any of that, but you did it anyway and changed everything.”
The blanket was moved and Tharn eased me onto my back, gazing down at me with eyes that held such deep affection that fresh tears slid free and my breath hitched again. How did I even have any left to shed? He brushed a thumb under my eye, trying to dry my skin as well.
“Are you really mad?” I shook my head and Tharn ran his slim fingers through my hair. “Tell me?”
“I’m scared.” I said. “Because if I feel then I have to tell you and I’m scared to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve never wanted to talk about it. I want it to stay locked away in a corner and never even look at it ever again.”
Tharn pulled me to sit up and moved me into his lap, to which I went willingly. I burrowed into him like I was trying to disappear into the safety that was him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He stroked my hair and I twisted my fingers into the back of his shirt as I anchored myself to him, absorbed the comfort that he gave to me through his gentle touches, by just being with me.
“Baby, if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I won’t make you.” He murmured softly to me and I trembled. I knew he meant it; he wouldn’t make me talk about it if I didn’t want to. While I didn’t want to, if I was going to be with Tharn the way I wanted to be with him in, I needed to. There were things that he needed to know, needed to understand that he wouldn’t be able to unless he knew.
But I was afraid. So afraid.
I shook my head, my face still pressed against his neck. “I don’t want to, but I need to. If I want to do any of the things that I want to with you, it’s something I need to do. It’s something you need to know, so you can understand. You’ll understand me better, understand why I do some of the things that I do, why I say some of the things that I do. It’ll… make things make more sense.”
“Then take your time and tell me. I’ll listen for as long as it takes.” He said. “I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
So, I told him. Slowly at first, unsure of how to say any of what I needed to say, my fear choking off the words sometimes. In those moments, his hand would trace comforting circles over my back, grounding me, reminding me that I was with him and safe. At one point, it all just started pouring out of me and I couldn’t stop it. The dam broke against waters it could no longer contain, every pent-up thought coming out, every tear that I had refused to cry pushing free.
And Tharn listened in silence, his arms tightening around me like his one wish was to take every painful memory away from me. He let me talk, let me cry and curse and explain, let me hit his back when it all felt like it was too much. He didn’t interrupt me, didn’t tell me to stop. Just let me say everything I needed to say, let me get everything that I had kept to myself out. The only thing he did was hold me, offered me the soothing touches that I savored like they were priceless gems.
When I fell silent, my throat was sore, my head ached, and I was exhausted. But in some small way, I felt a little better. I didn’t feel as heavy as I had before, didn’t feel as suffocated as I had. Maybe it was the crying I’d done, or the talking, I didn’t know. I had heard countless times that crying helped, but I’d never put much belief into the words. Maybe they held some truth, maybe it did help. I wasn’t sure. There were many things I wasn’t sure about anymore.
“Let me get you some water.”
I shook my head quickly when he made a move to ease me back onto the bed so he could stand up and clung to him tighter. I didn’t want him to go anywhere, did want him to leave me after hearing everything. That had been a deep fear that burned through me, the fear that I would be left alone because of what had happened to me. That if someone were to hear what had happened, they would leave because it would be too much for them to deal with, too much for them to handle.
“Don’t leave me. Please.” I would never force him to stay, couldn’t do that, but it would hurt to part with him, to let him go.
“Never, baby. Never. We’re going to lay down at least, okay? You’re exhausted. I can tell, I can see it.” I didn’t argue with him because he was right, I was. Reluctantly I slid out of his lap and laid down, curling into his side as soon as he settled down next to me, his arms coming around me like a warm shield. “Sleep now. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
I didn’t last very long before I drifted off, sleep taking me away quickly. The last thing I remembered was the feel of Tharn’s hand stroking my back and his cheek against the top of my head before I dropped off into the black void of sleep where I was haunted by nothing, where I dreamt of nothing. All there was, was warmth and the sense of safety I had longed for, for a long time.
Some might view this as a little out of character for Type, I'm not sure? Just remember this Type is more willing to communicate compared to the original one. Things are different because of that because he doesn't have the hatred. Besides, we saw his vulnerable side when he was telling Tharn about his past. I just expanded on it because I have the ability to, where they're confined by time slots.
Besides, one of the most frustrating things for me was the lack of communication between the two of them in the original. It's important in any relationship, but becomes that much more important when you factor in Type's childhood. Psychology student in me was on the verge of ripping her hair out.
And Puifai wasn't the enemy, she didn't know anything. Wasn't gonna do her dirty again. You can come follow me on Twitter, if you'd like. I'm a fan of other BL series as well, so you're welcome to talk to me about others or writing! I don't bite, I promise. I'm far too shy for that. I promise. Pinkie promise.
The only time I had left the bed that night was to change clothes and I had done that in record time. They were off and changed in what felt like seconds before I was back by his side, drawing him back in against my side where he felt like he belonged. Type’s dreams seemed peaceful and undisturbed, like he dreamt of nothing or at least of something that caused him no fear or upset, for which I was grateful.
Mine weren’t, but I would gladly bare that burden for him if I could. I got caught in dreams where I couldn’t help him, where I couldn’t find him when I heard his cries for help, when there was nothing I could do for him at all. When I woke from those moments, his calm presence soothed me, reassured me that while he had suffered in the past, he was safe here in the present, and I would draw him against me, press a soft kiss against his forehead. Reassured myself that he was here and safe.
But hated that he hadn’t been at one point.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt fingers in my hair and had the vague sense that they were what had pulled me from my sleep. Lips met mine and I would know them in my next life, soft and giving as they moved against mine. His lips parted on a sigh, soft and content as his body eased closer to mine. He wasn’t hard as he pressed in close to me, there was no desire or need in his movements, just the gentle reassurance and pleasure in the knowledge that the other hadn’t gone anywhere during the night.
“You didn’t leave.” He said softly and I opened my eyes to look at him. Saw worry mixed with relief in his eyes, like he had been afraid that he would wake up and I would have been gone, would have left him alone somewhere during the night. He had been afraid that he would be alone when he woke.
“Where would I have gone? The floor is too hard to sleep on and your bed has become a collector for the dirty clothes.” I replied, running a hand along his back. “Besides, I told you I would be here when you woke up, didn’t I? I’m not going to break my word to you, Type. You can trust me.”
Dark eyes darted away from mine and I was worried about his response. What was he thinking? “I thought it might have been too much for you to hear and you might have left because you couldn’t deal with it. It was a lot to have unloaded on you, after all. I wouldn’t have blamed you for it. You didn’t sign up for it.”
It had been a lot to hear from him, had broken my heart that he had been through something like that. Had been through something that no one should have to go through. I wouldn’t view it as something that was too hard for me to deal with, I hadn’t been through what he had. It wasn’t something I had to deal with. It was something I heard from him, it wasn’t something that I lived through, something that I carried the hurt of for years afterwards. Wasn’t something that I would carry the memories of for the rest of my life because those were certainly memories that would never leave him. They would linger with him in some form or another.
It saddened me to know that there would be people that would view it as too much baggage, as they would call it, to handle. That there would be people to leave because of it, that would turn away from someone that opened up to them like that. I shook my head and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, gave him a soft smile as I gazed at him. “I’m not going anywhere if it isn’t with you. Come somewhere with me today?”
A small shudder of relief passed through his body and he nodded before he pressed his face into my neck. How long had he carried that fear around with him? That he would be left alone if he were to tell someone what had happened to him, if he were to open that part of himself up to someone else? I felt the overwhelming need to make sure that he was never alone again, that he would never be afraid of being left on his own again, even if it took me years to help soothe that fear.
“A park?” He asked. When we had eaten and changed, I’d guided him to a nearby park. There was a scattering of people, but it was surprisingly empty for the time of day and the fact that it was the weekend. I’d expected it to be a little busier than it was. Not that it was a bad thing that there were less people. I’d brought him out to talk and help him clear his head. There was something that had caught my attention as he had spoken last night, but I hadn’t wanted to push the topic. Had wanted to let him sleep when I saw how tired he looked.
“Did you expect a sex shop?” I asked and was forced to dodge the kick that he aimed at my shin, laughing softly at the scowl he aimed in my direction. “Next time if you really want. Just a park this time, though.”
“Tharn!” Color rushed into his face and I grinned at him. It was a relief to see the color back in his face, it had been off last night as he’d told me about his past. Not that I could blame him, I couldn’t imagine the fear that had gripped him when he had been telling me everything. I had been able to feel his tears, the way his body shook, the way he hit my back, but there was no way that I would ever be able to understand that fear.
When I was sure that I wasn’t going to have to dodge a fist as well, I fell into step next to him and we walked in silence for a little while. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but a comfortable one of just two people enjoying the presence of each other. It was something that we had both become familiar with, the comfortable silence that we could settle into without feeling weird about it, without feeling the need to force a conversation to fill that silence. It was nice, peaceful.
“You said that you were scared of feeling something for me last night, or in so many words you did. It goes beyond having to tell me about your past, right?” I said eventually. “What is it? Is it something you can tell me?”
Type stopped and turned away from me, walking off to sit beneath a tree silently, dropping down beneath the shade that it offered. I followed him, sitting next to him as he played with the blades of grass, running his fingers back and forth over them in slow motions that seemed to be soothing to him. I didn’t rush him to give me an answer, let him sit in silence as he focused on his fingers, letting him think for as long as he needed to.
“You’re annoyingly perceptive.” He said softly and I gave him a small smile. He’d had every ounce of my attention last night, of course I was going to notice. “I’ve dealt with this like this for so long, I don’t know how to do it any other way. I don’t know how to… handle having feelings for someone, let alone a man but I do anyway. I’m… broken. I’m going to fuck things up by lashing out or saying something stupid again because I’m scared, but I won’t be able to help it because it’s instinctive. I won’t mean it, but I won’t be able to help it because it’s just how I’ve always dealt with it. I’ve avoided the gay community. Kept them over there, myself over here. They left me alone, I left them alone. The ones that got too close, I dodged around. If they got too pushy, I seemed rude because I ignored them, left as fast as I could. Lashed out sometimes like I did with you that day, demanding they not touch me because I panicked. I wouldn’t lash out at you again, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t with someone else that got too pushy, that tried to get too close.”
His answer surprised me. His responses to me hadn’t been all that bad recently, even in the beginning they hadn’t been as horrible as they could have been. Nowhere near what he was talking about. I’d certainly encountered people who had been far worse than he had been. It was possible that he was talking about his response if I had to wake him from a nightmare again if he slipped into one though that didn’t seem to happen if he was with me, and I would do everything I could to ensure that he didn’t sleep alone. Even if he did have a bad reaction to being woken, it wouldn’t be something that I held against him, it wasn’t something he could control.
“You aren’t broken, Type.” I said softly, taking his hand and laced my fingers with his. “You’re just scared. There’s a vast difference between the two words. Something that’s broken needs to be fixed, sometimes can’t be. You aren’t broken, you don’t need to be fixed. You need time to heal and you’re allowed to be scared when that’s happening. You kept everything to yourself for a long time and now it’s out for someone else to see. That’s a scary thing. There’s nothing wrong with being scared with everything that’s going on now. It’s all new to you. We’ll take it a step at a time. I’ll never completely understand how you feel because I didn’t go through what you did, but I won’t leave you on your own. So, be scared. I’ll be here to help you whenever you need it.”
I had expected him to pull his hand free when I took ahold of it, was surprised when he held tight to it instead. I stroked the back of his knuckles with my thumb slowly, watched the struggle for composure on his face. Maybe this would have been better to do inside the door, in the privacy of our own space, but I had thought the fresh air would be good for him, had hoped that it would help to clear his mind. I wasn’t sure if I was wrong or right as he let out a slow, shaky breath, the grip on my hand tightening.
He could hold as tight as he wanted, I didn’t care.
“Not broken, just scared.” His voice shook and I resisted the urge to kiss the back of his hand. I didn’t think he was ready for that level of display of affection, not in public. I settled for squeezing his hand and nodding when he lifted his gaze to mine. “I want to try being with you like that, Tharn. I don’t want you to go off with someone else, I’m just scared. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know you have desires too. I can see it when you look at me when you’re touching me, and I want to. I just… I don’t know what to do. What do I do? How do I do anything? I’m scared.”
“We’ll go slow, Type. We won’t do anything until you’re ready and I’ll make sure you’re as ready as you can be before I do anything.” I told him but he shook his head a little.
“I’m scared of going back there.”
My heart ached for him and I rubbed the back of his hand with mine slowly. A fear that I wish he didn’t have to feel, that he didn’t have to worry about or face. It was one that I would help him through the best that I could, one that I would guide him through to the best of my ability. It wasn’t something that I would leave him to face on his own. He wouldn’t be left alone to face things by himself anymore.
“I won’t let you go back there. I’ll make sure you stay with me the entire time. It’ll be just you and me, no one else.” I said, smiling when his ears went red. I knew his mind, for a brief moment, had wandered in that directed and he had grown shy because of it. “Don’t worry about it right now, Type. There’s nothing saying that we have to do anything right now. Today, we’ll send the day out. Just the two of us. Is that okay?”
Type nodded slowly after a few seconds, a small smile curving his lips when he glanced towards me. Maybe he would worry about it, maybe he wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure where his mind would wander to on the topic, but I wouldn’t rush him. I desired him, but it was a desire that I was willing to wait to act on, whether it was a few hours or a few years. However long he needed from me, I would give it to him. My touch was one that would never hurt him.
The next chapter is on the longer side, just a heads up.
Chapter 9: Chapter Nine
Take your time reading here. Nothing specific of Type's childhood is mentioned here, I won't ever do specifics, but different things can be triggering for different people. So, just go at your own pace. Take care of yourself first.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
We stayed out the entire day, walking around and talking. We talked about school or random things, but never circled back around to what we had been talking about beneath the tree. It had been set gently aside, the attention it needed given. Nothing more was pushed on the topic, nothing more was brought up about it, something that I was grateful for. It was something Tharn was good at, not pushing me to talk or answer questions about something I wasn’t ready to.
Admitting it to him had been hard, hearing his words had been harder, and it had been harder still to stop the tears that had wanted to fall, but I had managed to fight them back. Crying in private was one thing, public was something completely different. His words had been something I had needed to hear for a long time, I just hadn’t known it. Hadn’t been willing to hear before, even if they had been extended to me. Now that I had heard them, had been willing to accept them, a piece of me was left raw, but not in a bad way.
In that raw, new skin way. Like it finally had the chance to have a fighting chance at maybe healing properly, even if it had a few scars in the process. I wouldn’t heal perfectly, wouldn’t heal without a few scars left over, but maybe I could start to heal.
After we had eaten dinner, we had returned to the dorm, night having fallen by the time we got there. Now that we were here in the privacy of the room, just the two of us, I was terrified. Not of Tharn or of the possibilities of what could be coming. Nothing had been set in stone and I could always change my mind, that was something that Tharn had always made clear to me any time that he touched me. That I was in control, if I said stop, he would stop without hesitation.
It was of being swept up into the past my memories that weren’t welcome because I wanted to be with Tharn.
God did I want it. It wasn’t something that I could explain the why of either. It wasn’t that there was pent up sexual frustration. Tharn touched me often enough, brought me that release often that there was no excuse for there to be, but I wanted it. Whenever I glanced at him at dinner, I had to look away from him quickly as I felt my skin grow warm. It made no sense to me, the desire and need I felt for him, but it was there, craving his attention, his touch.
I trusted him, though. Trusted him when he said that he wouldn’t let me slip away.
I sat on the bed in my boxers and t-shirt, Tharn in the bathroom. I had just said I wanted to try with him, I hadn’t exactly said when I wanted to try or that I had been thinking about it often the past few days. Or the past few hours for that matter. How was I supposed to tell him that, when I couldn’t even wrap my head around the why of it? Then again, of all the things I had told him recently, that probably would have been the easiest thing I could have told him.
Glancing at the bedside table where I knew he kept his lubricant, I wondered if there was anything that I could do to make things easier, to help them move along smoother. The only thing I knew from before was Tharn easing his finger inside of me, a feeling I hadn’t been opposed to, had found that I liked. At the time he had only used one, more than one would be used in this situation, I assumed. I didn’t think that was something I could do on my own…
“What are you looking at, Type?”
I jerked my head around to look at Tharn, who had come out of the bathroom finally and was gazing at me with a curious expression. He glanced to where I had been looking and heat crept into my face slowly. Like it was a secret now, thanks to that stupid tell of mine. A tell that I had no hope of ever getting under control, it was a futile battle to even begin to try and wage. It was my fate to suffer embarrassment for the rest of my life, I was sure.
“We won’t do anything until you’re ready. I’m not in a hurry and I’m patient.” He joined me on the bed, sitting in front of me. I twisted my fingers around in the sheets, the embarrassment only rising because of what was about to come out of my mouth.
“How… How will it work?”
Cue the surprised expression darting across his face before one of understanding settled into its place. I wanted to know what was going to happen, what to expect. Anything that could help anchor me to the here and now, that could cement me here and stop me from being swept away by fear that could come creeping in at any moment. I didn’t want Tharn to have to feel like he had to baby me through the entire experience, or he wouldn’t enjoy it either. And if I enjoyed it, I’d like it if he were the one I got to do it with again. He’d be the only one I’d want to do it with again.
“Well, I’ll keep you to the things that we’ve done in the past for your first time. I won’t throw anything new at you. I have to prepare you more than I did last time, so I have to use more than just one finger. It’ll hurt a little, but I’ll go as slow as you want and be as gentle as I can be. There isn’t a point in lying and saying that it won’t hurt at all once I’m inside of you. It will, but it does pass, it fades.” He took my hand and kissed the back of it softly. “I won’t move until you tell me I can. I won’t do anything you tell me not to. I won’t let you slip away on me.”
I pointed a finger at the drawer, though I didn’t actually look at it this time, where the bottle was tucked away at. “And you’ll use plenty of that?”
“The entire bottle if you tell me to.” He said and nodded. I didn’t know if that would be entirely necessary, but it wasn’t a thought that I completely dismissed either. It was a thought that I would, at least, keep in mind. “Anything that I can do to make you more comfortable, I’ll do. You can trust me.”
It struck me that I had never actually told Tharn that I did trust him, not that I could remember. Many of the things that I did would have told him as much, but I had never actually said it to him myself. Just assumed that he knew it because of the way I acted around him when, sometimes, people needed to hear things for themselves. Needed to hear it from someone else.
I had come to understand that myself.
I moved myself into his lap slowly, straddling him and looked at him, gave him a small smile. “I do trust you. I haven’t said it because I just figured you knew because of how I acted around you, which I suppose was a stupid thing of me to assume. But I do trust you. Can… Can we try? If that’s okay with you? If you’re not in the mood, that’s okay too. That’s fine, I’ll understand.”
Rambling. I was starting to ramble because I was nervous about being rejected or messing something up. I wished there were an off button for my mouth, not for the first time in my life either and most certainly not for the last time I was sure. My inability to control my mouth had gotten me into the trouble in the past, after all. There was an off switch of sorts, though not one I could make use of on demand. Tharn kissed me, soft and slow, silencing me quite efficiently. His arms came around my waist and drew me in against his body, kissed me until there was nothing rushing through my mind that wasn’t purely him.
The way he touched me, the feel of his skin moving over mine, the feel of his lip, the taste of him on my tongue, his scent. Everything was Tharn, just him. It didn’t make sense to say that I didn’t know where he began and I ended, I knew exactly where we both started, but with the way he filled my senses, it felt like he was a dominating force around me, sweeping away everything else that wasn’t him. It was a feeling that I was okay with, just floating in a sea that was Tharn. It didn’t seem so bad.
“Where are you?” He asked softly as he drew my shirt over my head slowly, tossed it away.
“In the dorm.” In my Tharn-wrapped state, I didn’t pause to answer, didn’t think about how odd the question was. I just answered as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I watched as he drew his shirt off, felt heat creep into my cheeks as he took my hand and pressed it to his cheek. I followed the path he moved my hand down with my eyes, watching as my fingertips brushed over his neck, down to his chest, to his stomach where my breath hitched softly. I had never touched him like this, not bare skin to bare skin and it sent sparks of desire rushing over me as my hand was pressed flat against his stomach, the muscles jumping beneath my touch.
“Who are you with, Type?”
“Tharn.” It still didn’t occur to me how odd of a question it was, I just answered instinctively. I kept my hand against his stomach, slid my fingers slowly over his skin, allowing myself to do what I never had before. I had always had the desire to touch him, even if it were just his chest, his stomach. I had had the urge to run my fingers over his skin, feel the way his muscles moved beneath my fingertips but my fear and uncertainty had always stopped me, made me draw my hand back before I let myself.
Here, I let myself. As I sat in his lap, uncertainty still swirling around me, I slid my hand over his stomach, brushed my fingers over the band of his boxers. I could see the desire he felt as he strained against the confines of his boxers and I curled my fingers into the band, where my hands shook. I didn’t fear touching Tharn, not really. It was more that I feared doing something wrong that would ruin the moment, that would make him reconsider being with me. Make him realize that all the work wasn’t worth the potentially underwhelming experience he was about to have.
“Don’t force yourself, Type. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. If you need to work up to that point, that’s fine.” He said softly, cupping my cheek gently. There were some things that I would have to work my way up to doing. I wasn’t ready to try using my mouth on him, like he had done to me. The desire to try was there, but the nerves were stronger than that desire was. It was something that I was sure that I would be able to do in the future, given time. This was something I wanted to do, just wasn’t quite sure how I should do it.
I slid his boxers down far enough to free him, heat flooding my cheeks when I dropped my gaze down to him. While I had seen him before, it hadn’t been in an aroused state. It had simply been when he was showering, when his attention was caught by anything. Here, he was hard and ready, leaving me with the lingering question of whether or not I would actually be able to handle him or not. It seemed like a silly question when I had thought about it before in passing, but it seemed a little more valid now.
“I want to. I want to touch you.” I said softly, easing my hand down further, taking him into my grasp. He was harder, hotter than I anticipated when I took hold of him. His fingers traveled a slow path through my hair, which was soothing and comforting to me as I fumbled with what to do next. It was odd, I was a guy. I should know what to do next. It wasn’t like I hadn’t ever done this to myself, I had. I had gotten off to the thought of him, after all. But as I sat here with my grasp around him, I hadn’t the slightest clue of what to do.
Should I touch him like I liked to be touched or would that be selfish to do? I should try to figure out how he liked to be touched, right? But how did I do that? It wasn’t something I’d ever done before, I hadn’t ever touched another man before, so how did I figure out what to do? Did I ask or did I just fumble my way along until I figured it out on my own? Was it something that was supposed to come to me naturally? Was I missing some signal from my body on what to do?
All of these questions had stopped me before.
“Don’t panic, baby.” He said softly and I lifted my gaze to him, saw softness in his eyes as he watched me. His thumb slid over my lip slowly before he pressed a soft kiss to them, the gesture oddly calming to me, though I couldn’t explain why if asked to. “It’s alright if you don’t know what to do. I’ll help you. I’ve got you.”
He did guide me. He adjusted my grip on him to something less awkward, guided my movements against him in patient and slow motions, never rushing me. Every touch he left on my skin was light and patient, his words were soft and kind, guiding me along as I found a rhythm that felt natural, that felt right somehow. I didn’t notice when he moved his hand away and left me on my own to move, I was too wrapped up in the feel of him beneath my touch, the way his breathing steadily began to increase.
When I slid my thumb over the head of his cock, it was a move that I pulled from memory. I enjoyed it when he did it to me, recalled the rush of pleasure that crashed into me whenever he did it, thought that maybe he would enjoy the same thing. I was confused by the low groan that came from him, but the way he gripped my hands to still their motions. Maybe I had done something wrong in thinking that because I had enjoyed it that he would too. I opened my mouth to apologize, but Tharn spoke before I could.
“If you keep doing that, you’ll make me come far sooner than I want to, Type.” His voice was deeper than normal, made my heart race at the sound of it. So, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Good to know. I eased onto my back when he moved me, rather reluctant to release him when he coaxed me to. I found that I enjoyed the feel of him in my grasp, liked the way his gaze locked onto me as I had stroked him. It was like I had been the only thing in the world, nothing else had existed to him in that moment. It was thrilling.
He stole a soft kiss from me before he moved downwards, dropping soft kisses to my skin as he went. When he drew a bud on my chest into his mouth, I arched into him and a soft whine filled the room before I bit down on my lip quickly, the thought of our neighbors hearing me making me rush to silence myself. There was no way they didn’t already know what happened over here, but I didn’t need to add fuel to the fire. It was silly to try and silence myself if they already knew what happened here in the room, but why make things worse? And why be a bad neighbor by being loud needlessly?
“They’re not here. They went home this weekend. I ran into them the other day and they both said they were.” He said softly, like he knew what I was thinking. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if he actually did. He seemed able to pick up on things that I thought I kept tucked away well, that no one else picked up on. “Don’t worry, you can let it out.”
Our neighbors were nice, even if one could be a little nosy, but I had never been so glad that they were gone than I was in this moment. When he paid the same attention to the other bud, I moaned out freely, the sound soft in the quiet of the room. They may have been gone, but that didn’t mean I was going to be loud with my voice, the walls were thin and who knew if people outside in the hallway could hear what was going on in here. At least, not right now. I had no idea about later, had no idea what would happen when things got more intense.
I’d probably lose myself to the moment and forget.
My hips lifted willingly when he went further down and drew my boxers off, eyes fluttering shut when he took me into his mouth, my breath leaving me on a shudder. There was no fear lingering here, only a deep desire for him. He was true to his word when he said that he wasn’t going to throw anything unexpected at me. He used his mouth on me in the familiar way he had before, drawing me in further before easing back, nursing the vein in my cock in slow motions. Soft whimpers filled the room and I slid my fingers into his hair, the action seeming to please him as he drew my hips down closer to him. He drew more of me into his mouth and I trembled, the sensation of his mouth wrapped around me drawing his name from me on a moan.
Even when he slid a lubricated finger inside of me slowly, he warned me in a soft voice, gave me time to adjust to the feeling. No fear rushed forward, we had done this before, there was nothing scary about it. The memory of it, when he found that sensitive spot sent a feeling of anticipation rushing forward and I whined softly, tipped my hips up a little at the intrusion, I had enjoyed that, enjoyed the rush of pleasure that it sent racing over my body, the way it made me tremble. I would never admit it, but I enjoyed the way he had looked at me then too, the way his eyes traveled over my face as if he gained pleasure from my own pleasure. More time was taken this time, easing his finger deeper before moving it back, rocking it slowly inside of me. Not that I minded at all.
The second finger he slid in way uncomfortable and made me squirm, trying to find a comfortable position. He distracted me with his mouth, drawing me in deep once again before easing back, his tongue playing along the vein once more, making my breath hitch, my hips lift instinctively. My attention bounced back and forth between the two sensations, unable to focus on just one. The discomfort wasn’t unbearable, just something that I felt the need to squirm against, to try to find a position that it didn’t feel odd at. Maybe it was my tolerance level, but it felt more annoying than painful. I had figured that pain tolerance would play a factor in things like this as well.
Third finger added and my attention turned solely to that, the discomfort creeping too high for even my tolerance level to ignore. I panted, scrunching my face up and I felt Tharn move back up my body, his attempts to distract me no longer succeeding, though his fingers remained inside of me, their gentle rocking motion making me whine. I was fond of his fingers, but at this point I was grateful that they were as slender as they were, or I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take it at all. He asked me where I was, who I was with and I answered him in soft whimpers, received soft kisses and words of praise when I did, which pleased me even through the levels of discomfort I was experiencing. Not that I would ever admit it to him. I gave a soft whine and he stroked my hair gently.
“I know, but I have to, baby. Let me find it and it’ll help.” He murmured softly, his long and nimble fingers moving as gently as they could. I knew what he was in search of, tried to still my hips as much as I could to make his search easier because my squirming must have been making it harder, and the sharp intake of breath told him when he found it, my soft whine filling the room as I fumbled to grip his shoulders, my fingers sliding over his skin. “There we go… There is it. This will help. You’re doing so good, you’re so strong.”
His fingers worked their magic, taking me higher and easing me back when I got too close to reaching that crest. I wanted that rush of pleasure, needed to feel it crashing into me. He worked me until I was trembling, arching my hips to him only to shift them back down onto his fingers in chase of that sweet release he kept denying me. I wanted it, desperately. Nearly enough to beg him for it. Just nearly, not quite. For a brief moment, I thought that maybe he was waiting for me to begin to rock my hips down onto his fingers. At one point he had been rocking them into me but had stopped when I had started to shift them myself. Watched me as I started to rock them to him, down onto his fingers. Maybe it was some sort of sign he had been waiting to see.
“Do you want to try now?” He asked softly and I nodded, my fingers digging into his shoulders lightly before sliding down to the bed. His fingers left me, and I whine in protest at the loss of fullness that they gave me. I wasn’t quite sure how long he had had them inside of me, but I enjoyed them there, enjoyed the way they felt rocking into me, the fullness they left me feeling. The sound of the condom wrapper tearing didn’t scare me, neither did the sound of the lube bottle opening then closing. Not even seeing him move over me scared me, that I liked. I liked the thought of being beneath him for some reason, liked the sight of him above me. It made my breath hitch in anticipation, gave me an odd sense of safety.
The feel of his hand against my hip didn’t scare me, the slide of his hand over my ass didn’t bring fear rushing at me. Even when he drew my hips in closer to him, I went willingly, wiggling down closer to him, hooking my legs over his hips when he moved them, making him smile, making heat rush into my cheeks. It was the feel of the head of his cock pressed against me, easing its way inside that sent black waves of fear crashing over me. My breath hitched, my hands found skin and my nails sunk into flesh as a soft whimper came from me, my vision going black. Why couldn’t I see? I didn’t know, couldn’t understand why. My breath hitched again as I pressed back against something solid over me, the sudden sound of a familiar voice bringing an odd warm feeling of calm sweeping over me.
“Where are you, Type?”
The answer was simple, automatic. I didn’t have to think about it. “T-The dorm.”
“If you’re at the dorm, who are you with? Can you open your eyes for me?”
Open my eyes? Was that why I couldn’t see? Had I closed them? I opened them slowly, my gaze bouncing around the room rapidly before coming back to the man above me, gazing down at me with eyes that were filled with nothing but understanding and patience, concern mixed in with it. They were soft and filled me with warmth, wrapped me in a sense of safety that I sunk down into like a warm blanket, savored the feeling as it wrapped around me. I held that gaze, letting my heartbeat slow, steady itself. My eyes traveled over his face, my breath hitching again, not in fear this time, but because emotion threatened to swarm over me.
“Good, you listened to one part for me. Who are you with?” He asked again.
“Tharn.” I replied softly. “Because I’m not allowed to go anywhere else because you promised you wouldn’t let me.”
Tharn kissed my forehead gently, an action that I had grown very fond of in a short span of time and smiled down at me. “That’s right. I’ll lead you back as many times as you need me to. Do you want to stop for tonight? It’s okay if you do, we can try again later if you want. There’s no rush.”
I shook my head and gazed at him, letting him examine my expression for any uncertainty. He would stop himself if he thought I was forcing myself to keep going when I didn’t want to or if he thought I was being stubborn, if he thought I was lying for even a second, if he thought I truly needed to. I knew that. But I wasn’t, I wanted to keep going. I wanted to be connected with him like that. To start and try to wash away the bad memories with good memories. Memories with him, with his gentle touches and soft voice. I wanted those in my dreams instead, wanted those to make my heart race, to wake me in the middle of the night instead.
His gentle touches already made my heart race, his soft voice made my heart tremble even now.
His gaze stayed on me as he eased himself inside of me, which meant he saw every flash of pain go across my face, saw every grimace or wince. I had wished in the past that he would look anywhere at me because I had been shy, but this time I wished he would look anywhere but at me because I didn’t want him to feel guilty over something that wasn’t really his fault. I knew that it would hurt, he had told me that. It wasn’t something that either one of us could prevent besides taking the proper preparation measures, which he had. It simply was what it was. I whimpered lowly, sinking my nails into his skin again, breathing out in soft pants as he stroked my hair in gentle motions.
“I’m sorry.” He sounded so guilty, like he felt so bad even though I had been fully aware that this was coming. I mean, I had questioned if I would be able to handle him at one point. I shook my head at him, rubbing his arms in what I hoped was a soothing gesture. I wasn’t as good at soothing people as he was, never really had the practice in doing it. “I wish I could make it easier for you, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry.”
“I’m okay. Just hold still. I’ll let you know when.” I panted. He didn’t move and gradually the pain eased, though I would no doubt be sore tomorrow. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that just because the pain had eased and faded that there would be nothing to deal with tomorrow. Oh, but I could hope. It was replaced with a pleasant feeling of fullness that felt right somehow, like he was the piece of myself that I had been missing. I squeezed his arms and nodded lightly, giving him permission to start moving. When he gave me a hesitant look, I gave my hips a small wiggle. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
It was a slow retreat, a gentle surge forward, and a repeat of the motion. Pleasure swept over me, filling my senses as Tharn braced his hands on either side of my head, his thrusts going deeper as he moved to lean over me. He drew soft moans from me, soft whimpers that I wasn’t even aware that I could make. They were softer than ones I had made before with him, breathier somehow. His gaze fixed on me and color rushed into my cheeks, making me press my hands against his chest before I caved into the urge to cover my face with them. I wasn’t about to hide away from him like that.
The hell was he looking at me like that for though?
“The expressions you make when you feel good are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” He said, his lips curving into a smirk when my ears went red. My hands fumbled over his chest and I really wanted to shove his face in a different direction. Anywhere, just so he couldn’t look at me and make me feel shy like he just had. Part of me knew he was watching me for my reactions, to make sure that I stayed here with him, but to hear those words coming from his mouth made the urge to hide my face behind my hands five times worse. How did he say things like that without missing a beat, without any form of embarrassment at all? My fingers slid over his shoulders, fumbling for some place to rest.
What the hell was I supposed to do with my hands?
When I had been with women in the past, my hands had always been busy. I’d always known what to do with them, always had something to do. Here, I was at a loss, fumbling them over his shoulders, sliding them down his chest slowly, before settling for putting them against his waist, scrapping my nails over his skin when he pushed deep against me, a move I liked as I inhaled softly. Deep was good, deep I liked. I liked the response to my nails more, however. His hips snapped into me firmer than they had previously, pulling a soft cry of surprise from me, making me dig my nails into his skin. Each movement before had been slow, gentle. Like he was afraid I was fragile glass that would break if handled wrong. I understood that fear, didn’t fault him for it, but oh did I like that new sensation that rushed in around me.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Type.” He said, eyes roaming over my face quickly, worry creeping into his eyes rapidly.
But I shook my head quickly, a soft whine coming from me. It hadn’t hurt, not in the least. There hadn’t been any sort of pain with the motion, only a rush of pleasure. It hadn’t been a hard movement, just a little bit of a firmer one then the previous ones he’d done. I wouldn’t request a harder experience this time, I doubted he would give into that request, but it wasn’t something that I was opposed to trying in the future with him. My trust in him ran deep. If I didn’t like it, he would stop if I told him. “Again. Do it again.” I whined softly.
He gazed at me curiously, but did as I requested, his hips meeting mine firmly once more. At my soft moan of pleasure, his pace shifted from slow and gentle to slow and firm, but never strayed from gentle. I nodded before he could ask if it was okay, encouraging him on. He fell into a steady rhythm that had me moaning out louder than I meant to, moaning his name in a manner that would leave no doubts as to what we were doing to anyone that heard me. They would know that he was bringing me a new level of pleasure and I was lost in it, a willing participant. Whatever, it didn’t matter to me anymore.
Soon I was shifting my hips about beneath him, squirming in an attempt to find the position that would bring him into contact with that spot, the desire to feel it driving my need higher. I wanted that rush of pleasure, wanted the feel of it crashing into me. Wanted to know what it would feel like with him filling me as he was now, needed to know desperately how intense it would feel. A soft whine of frustration escaped me as I fisted my hands in the sheets and tugged at them, my breaths coming in soft pants.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“Can’t… Find it…” I whimpered and wiggled myself down closer to him in search of the right position, my legs hooking higher over his hips on instinct. He chuckled and I would have hit him if he hadn’t given me instructions to follow, lifting my hips up so he could slide a pillow beneath me to help hold the position. This time when he came forward firmly, my body trembled as he struck where I desired, a strangled cry being torn from me as that white-hot pleasure crashed into me.
No, I no longer cared about how loud I ended up being.
It was like he knew what I wanted, which he very likely did. I wasn’t making it difficult to figure out, my body having decided to devolve into a trembling ball of need. As he thrust into me, he braced a hand against the wall, the other gripping my aching cock, precum beading and sliding free as he stroked me. Just as I hadn’t known which sensation to chase after when his fingers had been inside of me and his mouth around me, I didn’t know which feeling to rock into. The feel of him inside of me or the feel of his hand around me, my hips rocking between the two.
My body shook, being taken to heights that I hadn’t ever been to, being swarmed with sensations I hadn’t ever felt before. I had had sex before, had come before, but the urge to had never been so intense, had never built so high before. He seemed to be able to drive me higher than I could drive myself, than I had been able to go with previous partners. When his thumb circled the head of my cock, I gasped and I shook my head, my hips moving in time with his. He’d come to know my responses well enough to know that the shaking of my head wasn’t one of protest but a silent indication of my inability to hold back anymore.
“Can’t hold on anymore, baby?” I shook my head quickly again. “Go ahead and come. I’ve got you.”
I was driven over with firm thrusts and quick strokes, pleasure crashing into me and rushing over me in waves that I wasn’t prepared for. Tharn’s name left me on a cry as I trembled, come hitting his hand and my stomach. I fully expected to feel his hips driving into me as he sought to follow me over that edge, I had been prepared to brace myself for it even as my legs felt like they were going to turn to jelly. But the way my body tensed and the way I clamped down around him, rocked my hips with him, drawing him deeper on instinctive movements by digging my heels into the small of his back, pulling him forward, drug him over that edge with me, his groan low as he pushed his hips deeper against me, his breath hot against my neck as he lent into me.
“You’ll kill me if you do that every time.” He muttered and I grinned as a giddy feeling settled over me. I had the ability to do that to him and the way he said that implied that there would be other times. Part of me had been worried that maybe this would be the only time. That I wouldn’t do well, and he wouldn’t be interested in trying anything new with me again. It was a relief to hear those words from him, to hear that there was an interest in future experiences. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I shook my head as he withdrew, the empty feeling without him inside of me an odd one. He left long enough to disappear into the bathroom in a process I was familiar with. A towel was brought back with him after he’d cleaned himself up, disposed of the condom, and he cleaned me up gently, his touch tender like he was afraid of breaking me or hurting me. I would have thought it funny if I didn’t understand. He wasn’t sure what was going to upset me, what was going to send me rushing back into the past so he would touch me with care until he learned.
“You didn’t hurt me, I promise. Though I have a feeling that I might be sore tomorrow. I’m not quite sure yet.” I glanced at him, saw the way he lifted a brow at me and wasn’t comforted by the way he looked at me. His experience as a bottom wasn’t extensive, but he still knew. “Does that look mean I’m going to be sore? I have to go help Techno tomorrow. I think I might just sit it out and help from the benches. I’m not running around.”
“Might want to stand up and help. Sitting on those hard surfaces might not be the best idea. You won’t be in pain, but there will be discomfort because I’m not an asshole and made sure I took care of you properly. You did things you hadn’t before though, so you’ll be a little sore.” He said and I nearly gave into the urge to smack him. “Laying around would be the best option but do what you need to do.”
“I’ll manage. I’ll come back early and make you take care of me if I need to.” I said, grinning at him when he rolled his eyes at me. I couldn’t say for sure, but I was fairly certain if I were to do just that, he would take care of me like I said. He had done so after everything we’d done in the past when he hadn’t had to, he’d done so willingly. Even now, it wasn’t a requirement that he tend to me in the gentle manner he was, but here he was, doing it anyway.
And didn’t that just make my heart ache in a warm way that I wasn’t familiar with?
I heard Techno before I saw him and by the time I turned my head to glance towards him, there was no dodging what was coming. I knew what was coming, could see it, could have braced for it, but something told me that bracing would have been worse than just letting it happen. Techno’s hand landed square on my ass, sending pain bolting every direction in my body. It was rare that he did it, only really doing it when he was in a very good mood. Which, unfortunately for me, was today. Unfortunately for him, that sole action made me want to strangle him.
My knees buckled and I was thankful that I was already bent over with my hands on the bench, having been shoving things into a bag or I likely would have hit the ground with no explanation as to why. It was to my very amazing credit that no sound came out of my mouth. The only thing I did was turn my face away from him so he couldn’t see the grimace of pain that darted across it. I hadn’t been in pain before, just general discomfort like Tharn had said I would be but sitting down had hurt a little if the surfaces were hard like the benches were, also just like he had said. And I certainly didn’t think smacking me on the ass was a thing that would be encouraged.
Should have stayed at the dorm. This wasn’t worth it.
“Why are you over here? You should be out on the field with us. Come on, man!” Techno said and yelped when I smacked the back of his head after I managed to stand up straight, my legs shaking just a little. He grabbed his head, rubbing it as he looked up at me. “What was that for? That hurt!”
“Yeah, so did that, asshole.” I muttered and glared at him when he gave me a confused look. It took every ounce of self-control that I possessed to not hold my ass, to not rub it to soothe the ache that had settled there. “I’m going back to my dorm. I don’t feel good. I thought I could manage it, but I can’t. Going back and laying down and not moving for the rest of the weekend. Screw it. Going out isn’t worth it. Moving isn’t worth it. Going home.”
I snatched up my bag and shuffled off, I refused to limp goddamn it, ignoring Techno as he called after me. My bed was calling to me and I wasn’t moving at all. That, now literal, pain in the ass could take care of me. He’d done this to me, he could take responsibility for it. Not that I was going to complain about it. I’d enjoyed it.
The bit with Techno was something I thought of in the series in the after bit when we saw Type and Techno together on the soccer field. I just immediately though, "Oh, please don't smack him on the ass." but then remembered that likely wouldn't happen, given Type's attitude towards everything in the series. So, I provided myself with amusement here and just shoved it in, because why not?
And I'm thinking, I'm not going to have Puifai just disappear here. Anyone opposed to Type and Puifai becoming friends?
Chapter 10: Chapter Ten
That moment with Type had been one of the most intense ones of my life. Not physically intense, I had had more physically intense sessions with previous partners, though I hoped to experience those types of things with him in the future. Not to say that I hadn’t enjoyed the experience with him. I certainly had. I had enjoyed watching the expressions on his face, the way he felt around me, the way he looked beneath me. Oh, how I had enjoyed the way his body had tensed around me, the way he had pulled me deeper into him, the soft sounds he made as he accepted the pleasure I gave him. I had enjoyed every second of it.
It had been an emotionally intense experience. Emotion had been constantly rising inside of me, coming at me in new waves. He let his walls down in gradual steps. Touching me as he hadn’t before, trust me to guide him in those motions. I had seen the excitement on his face as he had, seen the pleasure he had gained from it, seen that he had enjoyed doing it, which had been a relief. He hadn’t been forcing himself to do it, hadn’t been forcing himself through the motions. He had trusted me to take him high with pleasure as I prepared him, had stayed with me as I did so, listened to my words as I coaxed him through it all.
Even when that fear had rushed in around him, he hadn’t slipped away from me completely. It had broken my heart to see that fear on his face, to feel his hand pushing me back instead of drawing me closer as they had in the past, but I had eased back, halted my motions. Coaxed him back to me with soft words, drawn him back to the present before he got lost to the past too quickly. Fear had lingered in his eyes before recognition swept in, relief fast on its heels. His gaze stayed on my face for what seemed like hours and I would have let him look at me for as long as he needed if it would have kept him with me in that moment.
The level of trust he gave to me through the experience is what made it so intense, hearing the words from him, that he did trust me, had made emotions that I wasn’t familiar with tremble inside of my chest. I would take that trust he had given me, and I would cherish it, protect it, build upon it, and strengthen it. Make sure that it would never be harmed or broken, would keep it safe.
I had been concerned when he went out the day after, but I wasn’t going to tell him what he could and couldn’t do. He was a grown adult, free to make his own decisions. So, when he had shuffled back shortly after he left, grumbling insults at Techno and demanding that I help him strip down, I had done so with only a small laugh and smile. Had asked what had happened, grimaced when he explained and stayed with him the rest of the day. He could have been annoying, asking me to do everything for him, but he didn’t.
All he had really done was ask if the pain was normal once or twice, which I assured him it was, especially after getting smacked on the ass like that. It was if it didn’t ease soon that he needed to tell me, not keep it to himself even if he was shy or embarrassed about it. He spoke up when he wanted to eat together, which I was happy to do. Otherwise, he worked on his own things while stretched on his stomach on the bed and I sat at the table. When night came, he curled up against me, his body turned towards me instead of away from me as it had been in the past.
Though a week had passed, I hadn’t been with him like that again. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be, I did. I craved to touch him, to feel his skin beneath my fingertips again, to hear his voice filling the room as it had that night. It was that I wasn’t sure how to approach him, how to touch him without sending him back to that moment in time. It had been heartbreaking to see him caught up in it in that moment, I didn’t want for it to happen again, didn’t want to send him rushing back there by touching him in a manner that would stir it up because I had done something wrong.
Fear held both of us back. I could see the desire in his eyes when he glanced at me, but he stopped himself from touching me as well, though I wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t sure if he was afraid of the same thing I was or if there was something else that was stopping him. I knew I should just ask, but part of me didn’t want to embarrass him, to make him uncomfortable. While I enjoyed teasing him, enjoyed embarrassing him in specific manners, I didn’t enjoy embarrassing him over sensitive topics.
I glanced up when Type stepped out of the bathroom, one of my shirts dipping down to his thighs as he glanced across the room towards me. He had taken to wearing my shirts more and more often in the evening, a habit that I was fond of but that was also a little bothersome at the same time. Not because I had to do laundry more often, that I could care less about. It was bothersome because it stirred the desire in me, made me itch to touch him. My gaze traveled over him slowly and I felt that desire rising inside of me, that urge to feel his skin beneath my hands becoming stronger.
“Tharn?” I lifted my gaze to him when he said my name, saw the want in his eyes, also saw the uncertainty as he edged closer to the bed. He stopped a few steps away from me and I held a hand out to him, concerned when he didn’t take my hand right away like he normally did. “Did I do something wrong last time? You… You won’t touch me even though it looks like you want to. I’m just guessing, but when you look at me, it looks like you want to. Was it not an enjoyable thing for you?”
For a moment I was confused, wasn’t sure what he was talking about, then I understood. He questioned whether or not I had actually enjoyed having sex with him, fi I wasn’t touching him because I hadn’t enjoyed myself. I lent forward, took his hand and drew him forward, pleased when he came to me, let me draw him into my lap. After all the months of seeing the tough, sure exterior that he put up, seeing the unsure, vulnerable side of him was, at times, odd. For those months, he was always sure and confident, rarely there was a time when he wasn’t sure of himself.
Now, I got to see the uncertainty that he felt, saw the vulnerable side of him that he kept tucked away from others to protect himself. I ran a hand up and down his back gently, pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. The lack of communication there between the two of us for the past week had been a hinderance to things moving forward, but fear could do that. The uncertainty of doing something wrong, of not knowing if you had done something wrong could hold you back from saying anything.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, no. You’re right, I do want to touch you.” I ran my hands over his back again, as if to prove my point. “I wasn’t sure how to approach you about it. You started things last time, you told me that you were ready, wanted it. I don’t want to scare you or make you feel uncomfortable because I don’t know what’s going to upset you or scare you. I guess I’m trying to be careful but might be being too careful?”
He nuzzled his head on my shoulder, his face finding the curve of my neck as his fingers curled into the back of my shirt. The feel of him pressed in close was familiar as I slid my arms around his waist, drew him closer against me, but the feeling around us was different. Before when we had been like this, I had been offering him comfort from something that had scared him, offered him a place to shed tears if he wanted. Now the feeling was… almost peaceful. His fingers tightened in the back of my shirt but there was no fear coming from him, not that I could feel.
“It’s something new for both of us. I’m sorry that it’s confusing for you too.” He said softly and I squeezed him closer to me, trying to soothe away any guilt that he might have felt. It wasn’t his fault, would never be his fault. “We can figure it out together. I don’t know what will upset me either. For now, don’t sneak up on me and try to start something up from behind me. I think I need to see your face in the beginning when things are getting started. We can try changing that later on. Just… Right now, I think seeing your face at the start would be best.”
I tipped my head to the side, let my cheek rest against his head as he spoke. Whatever he wanted from me; I would gladly give to him. I wouldn’t sneak up on him ever if he told me not to. Would make sure that he always knew that I was going to touch him before I did if he wanted it that way. It wasn’t a hard thing to do, wasn’t something that took long to do. I nodded, circled my hand over his back slowly.
“Then that’s what I’ll do. When you think you’re ready to change it, we’ll try. If you’re comfortable, we can add it in or ease back if you’re not. You guide me through want you think you’re comfortable doing, I’ll guide you through what you’re unfamiliar with here. It’s a learning experience for both of us.” I gave a small smile when he shivered. “We’ll figure it out together, like you said. Okay?”
His lips found mine after a quick nod of his head, his fingers sliding into my hair as his hips drew as close as he possibly could get them. There was heat behind the kiss, a soft whimper coming from him as he granted me the access that I sought. I knew what he wanted when he gave my hair a soft tug, knew that he wanted my hands on him as much as I desired to have them on him. I was happy to oblige him as I slid a hand beneath the shirt he wore, sliding it up along his side in a slow motion that had his breath hitching against my lips.
When I circled the bud on his chest slowly with my thumb, his head tipped back in a soft moan and I took advantage of the skin exposed to me, pressing soft kisses to his throat. His head tipped to the side and I sought out the spot on his neck that often sent him whining my name, pleased when he did just that when my lips made contact with the skin. Before I had resisted the temptation to leave a mark on the tanned skin, now I caved to the urge, drawing against his skin as he moaned my name until a mark was there, a clear sign that he was spoken for, that he wasn’t free for others to approach.
Certainly, there were those that would ignore the sign, but it still pleased me in a small way that it was there.
“Up.” I gave the soft order, and he lifted his arms, allowing me to draw the shirt off. I tossed it aside and drew him to his knees, turned my attention to the buds on his chest, drawing them into my mouth, giving them each gentle amounts of attention until his body started to tremble, my name leaving him in soft whimpers. It was a sound that I had missed, the sound of his voice filling the room like this. How fast I had grown to enjoy it, how fast I had grown accustomed to hearing it.
I eased him onto his back slowly, gave a soft laugh when he lifted his hips in silent permission for me to slide his boxers off. I took that permission, sliding them off gently, taking enough time to grab what I needed from the stand next to the bed before easing down between his legs where he parted his legs for me, letting me settle myself comfortably there. I was surprised when I felt him lift himself up onto his elbows and glanced up to see him looking down at me, desire burning in his gaze.
His gaze stayed on me as I moved my tongue from the base of his cock to the tip, moving it slowly around his head in a lazy pace. I heard his breath hitch, heard the soft whine come from him, saw his fingers tighten in the sheets out of the corner of my eye, but he watched me all the same. Perhaps it was mean of me to do, but I didn’t take him into my mouth right away, instead curious to see how long he would be able to keep his gaze on me. So, I trailed my tongue along the vein in his cock slowly, drew a low whimper from him
I gave teasing strokes, slow licks, gentle sucks at his head and his gaze remained on me. Even when I began to ease lubricated fingers inside of him slowly, his gaze remained on me, heat growing hotter there. It wasn’t until I took him into my mouth, began the slow descent down on him that color rushed into his cheeks and he dropped back onto the bed with a moan, the bitter taste of precum filling my mouth. He had lasted far longer than I thought he would, I was impressed that he had watched me for as long as he had. I had given him a few seconds, a minute tops in my head before his shyness would have made him look away.
The slow rocking between my fingers and my mouth began, his soft pants filling the room, his fingers finding their way to my hair as he began to guide my motions. I let him, allowed him to ease me back before guiding me back down, coaxing me down further than I had gone previous. It didn’t bother me, I could do it, much to his pleasure as his body trembled and his hips lifted off the bed.
As much as I wanted to strike that bundle of nerves inside of him, to hear that moan come from him as that pleasure crashed over him, I resisted the urge. I could tell from the way his hips rocked into my mouth before sinking back down onto my fingers that if I did, he would come immediately. His body was close, that jolt of pleasure would send him tumbling over the crest I wasn’t quite ready to let him reach.
I eased back from him, smiled at his whine of protest even as he slid his fingers free of my hair, his breath hitching as his gaze lifted to me, his cheeks flushed. He was always a sight to see when he was excited, when he was feeling pleasure. His skin flushed a beautiful color, his eyes burned in ways that aroused me to no end. Everything about him was perfection and I wanted to touch every inch of him as I tore the condom wrapper open, rolled it down over myself.
Soft whines and whimpers came from him as I eased inside of him, the movement easier this time than before but still slow going. He wasn’t used to me yet; it would take time before he would be able to accept me easily, more times together, more intimate moments shared. I soothed him with soft words and gentle kisses as his nails dug into my skin, his breath coming in soft pants against my neck.
“Is it going to hurt every time?” He whined softly and I shook my head, gave him a small smile. I understood why he would ask. Though I hadn’t experienced his position more than once, it wasn’t a pain that one forgot. It’s also what made me more careful with my partners, what made me treat them with the care than I did, beyond the fact that I wasn’t an asshole.
“No. If we continue to do things together, you’ll get used to it in time. It becomes easier and it won’t hurt anymore.” I said, brushing the hair from his eyes as I gave his body time to relax and adjust. “We’ll take as much time as you need, baby, so don’t focus on that. Okay?”
I was pleased with the way he nodded at my words, angled his head to capture my lips with his. I distracted him with my lips against his, with the slide of my hand against his skin until I felt the gentle rocking of his hips, heard his soft whines telling me that there was no more discomfort for him, only the desire to have me moving inside of him, to have pleasure rushing in around him as it had before.
My hips rocked into his on slow, gentle motions; meeting his and then rocking back to meet his once more, drawing out soft moans. It was my own form of pleasure to get to watch him as I gave him pleasure, the feeling passing over his face in various expressions that I was determined to become familiar with. Sometimes his lips remained parted, sometimes he bit down on his lower lip. Sometimes he tipped his head back, sometimes he dropped it to the side.
His fingers traveled a slow path down my back, a soft whine escaping him as I moved firmer, an action I recalled him enjoying. I felt his nails against my skin, enjoyed the small rush it gave me to feel them as he began to quiver beneath me. Just as I enjoyed the small rush that seeing him wiggle his hips closer to me, every new reaction from him was my own form of a reward for doing something correct, for bringing him pleasure. He slid his leg back along my side slowly and a moan, loud and long, filled the room as I eased myself deeper, his breath hitching.
“Going to touch you, okay?” I murmured softly, only moving my hands when I got his nod of approval. Perhaps it was a little silly to give him that warning given our current position, but I wasn’t sure, felt better doing it. It was a new situation that we’d figure out as we went along, would figure out what touches were okay and which ones needed warning beforehand. I didn’t want to figure out, in the moment, that a touch should have been warned about beforehand.
I slid hand down and cupped his ass, tilting his hip up towards me a little. My name left him on a soft whine, his fingers tangling into the bedsheets. He hadn’t tensed when I touched him, but he tensed now as I struck the bundle of nerves, his body trembling as my hips met his on a steady and firm pace.
“H-Harder.” He whined and I lifted a brow slightly. I hadn’t been expecting it, wasn’t sure if it was something that he would enjoy but had no way of telling for sure if he would or not until he experienced it for himself. Heat rose in his face and he tipped his head away from me as shyness overtook him, but I turned him back to look at me, my gaze traveling over his face slowly.
“You’ll tell me to go easier if you want me to then. There’s no shame in not liking a harder pace.” He nodded and I dropped a kiss to his forehead, amused by the way his cheeks flushed, by the way he went shy all over again. “Good. If you don’t like it, I’ll be gentle again. You tell me what’s okay to do.”
I didn’t start going hard on him immediately. Instead, I slid my hands along the back of his legs and eased them back gently, eased them back just a little as my hips met his in a firm motion. Gradually I changed the pace from firm to hard, giving him time to decide whether he liked the feeling, whether he was alright with the pace. When his whimpers became more frequent, I stroked a hand over the back of his leg slowly.
“F-Faster. Keep going.” There wasn’t uncertainty or hesitation in his voice, only desire laced with need. He wasn’t forcing himself to keep going at the pace, he was enjoying himself, the increased rates of his whimpers a sign of his pleasure going higher, as I had hoped it would. Still, I didn’t go fast right away, gradually increasing the speed against him. Not only so I could watch his reactions and know if he was adjusting well or not, but also because it was pleasurable for me to watch the surprise dart across his face, watch pleasure rush over his features.
Each time my hips found his, a whimper was drawn from him, his voice filling the room as I drove him higher, the sound of his voice urging me to move against him faster. He was whining my name when both of our attention was drawn to the sound of our neighbors returning home, their door opening and closing, both of us now able to hear their voices. Type’s breath hitched and I turned my gaze towards him, heat burning in his eyes and his cheeks.
“We can stop if you want.” He shook his head, bit his lip hard enough that I was worried he was going to hurt himself. I knew what he was worried about. “Move onto your front for me. You held this position with me for something else before, but I think you’ll enjoy it for this as well. You can muffle your voice easier here too without hurting yourself.”
He did as I asked after I’d eased myself from him. He wiggled himself over onto his front, the color reaching the back of his neck when I pulled his hips up into the air, leaving his front down on the bed. He turned his head to the side to look at me before he drug my pillow to himself, taking up the position that he had the previous time I’d had him in this position, though we hadn’t been doing this.
His breath hitched when I entered him again, his grasp tightening on the pillow as my pace against him resumed. It wasn’t an instant hard pace again, but a gradual build to it that had him rocking his hips back to meet mind as his fingers curled into the pillow. He nodded his head before I had to chance to ask him if he was okay with continuing, if he were comfortable with the position he was in. I trusted him to tell me if he wasn’t, if he wanted to change things.
He buried his face in my pillow as his whines turned from soft, breathy sounds that wouldn’t be heard through the walls to louder ones that very likely could. He muffled his voice there, his moans that normally would have been loud now turned quiet. It wasn’t something that I was fond of, I was too fond of hearing his voice, hearing the way he whined my name, of the soft sounds of pleasure he made when I did something he liked.
A muffled cry came from him as I struck the bundle of nerves inside of him, his hips moving back against me as his body shook. I had only had him once, but I had driven him to that crest he wanted more than once, I knew he was close, knew he wanted to reach it and go falling over to float in that sea of pleasure. I gave him a soft warning that I was going to touch him, received a nod of permission before I slid my hand around to grip him, stroking him steadily as my hips met his.
His body tensed and shoot as pleasure rushed over him, his hips rocking back against me. I could hear my name leave him on a whine even through the pillow he had his face pressed against. Even as I watched him rock back against, I cursed our neighbors for their arrival back. It felt like I had been robbed, not being able to hear him as he came, even as I felt his body tensing around me. The mixture of the two was far better than just one.
“Alright, baby?” I asked softly, pleased with the nod he gave me as he shifted the pillow away, drawing in soft pant. His hips rocked back against me, rocking himself back against me and I gripped them firmly, a shiver racing down my spine as I dropped my gaze down to watch him. It was something that I quickly decided that I liked, my hold on his hips tightening. “Type… Hold still now. I don’t want to go too hard on you if you’re not ready for it.”
I would never hurt him, but the urge to have him, to make him scramble to muffle his voice was so strong.
“I can handle it.” He sank back on me, the whine that came from him soft. As he pushed back, I lent forward, making his breath hitch, his fingers twist into the pillow. “I’ll tell you if I don’t like what you’re doing. I promise.”
As I began to thrust inside of him again, he bit down on his lower lip, pleasure passing over his face as my hips met his. It was like he was trying his hardest to resist the urge to turn his face into the pillow as he fisted his hands in the sheets, his voice leaving him on soft whimpers. There was no displeasure or any sign of discomfort on his face as I took him, the way he rocked himself back onto me giving me an indication that he was quite alright with what I was doing. I gave him a gentle squeeze at his hips, and he nodded his head quickly, telling me he was still okay.
In time, maybe, that fear would ease, but I doubted it would ever fade completely. I would always check with him to make sure that he was comfortable, that he was alright, it was just something that partners should do.
My hips met his faster, unsteadier as my pleasure rushed towards me, pulling me over that edge with a low groan, my hips meeting his on a hard thrust. He muffled the cry that came from him with my pillow, a soft whine coming from him as I rocked my hips into him, my breaths coming in quick pants. I held my body off of his so I wouldn’t pin him down, easing back from him when I was sure that I wouldn’t go sliding forward if I tried moving.
I rubbed his hip gently as he pushed the pillow away from himself. He glanced over his shoulder towards me, watched as I rubbed his hip gently and gave me a small scowl, making me tip my head to the side, unsure of what had been the cause of it. Then again, he would scowl or throw insults around for a number of different reasons. He didn’t have to be upset about something for it to happen, he could be shy or embarrassed.
“I wasn’t going anywhere. You didn’t need to hold my hips that hard.” He grumbled and I gave him a small grin, continuing to rub his hip in a gentle motion. He gave me another small scowl, but I saw the smile turning his lips up when he turned his head away from me.
“Were you trying to break my hip?”
I glanced towards Type as we left the store, bag in hand. He wasn’t limping, only because I was sure that he was refusing to. Instead he was shuffling as we walked, he had been the entire day. I had asked him that morning if he would come shopping with me to buy bedsheets, having grown tired of repeatedly washing the bedsheet we had as often as I did. He had agreed to and we had left shortly after eating breakfast, my gaze roaming back to him often when I had noticed him shuffling instead of walking properly.
“Not at all.” I gave him a small grin, rubbing his hip again as I drew him closer to me. While he didn’t draw away from me, his cheeks went pink and he glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to us. Everyone was caught up in their own thing, wrapped up in their phones or their own conversations. “Was I too hard on you yesterday? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
He shot me a dirty look and I was sure he would have thrown an insult my way if both of our attention hadn’t been caught by someone calling his name. We turned our heads in the direction of the caller and I saw an attractive female making her way over to him, a soft smile on her face. I could see confusion mixed with embarrassment creeping onto Type’s face when I glanced back towards him as he greeted her
“Puifai. I didn’t think I’d see you again.” He said, taking a small step away from me. I let him go, understood that it may take him some time to be comfortable with displays of affection in public. I was used to it, but I had been comfortable and aware of my identity for years while Type was only just now discovering his own, coming to understand and figure things out for himself. I would be patient and wait for him to be ready.
“I was hoping I’d see you again. I wanted to know how things went.” Her gaze trailed over to me, looked me over slowly before looking back towards Type. She tilted her head in my direct, lifting a brow just a little, as if asking him some sort of unspoken question. Type glanced at me and the tips of his ears went red as he glanced away from me again.
“This is Tharn. My roommate.” He muttered and Puifai grabbed his arm, pulling him away a few steps, tugging him down so she could whisper to him. I watched in silence, curiosity rising in me. I hadn’t ever really seen Type interact with females, though I had no doubt that he interacted with them just fine. For some reason, this one seemed to make him flustered, almost shy. He glanced back towards me and looked away quickly, looking back towards her, the color rising higher in his face. She took out her phone and held it out to him and I watched as he programed his number into her phone before handing it back to her with a shy smile.
I tipped my head to the side, wishing that I could hear what they were saying as he flushed and nodded, she laughed and smiled. It was when she pointed at his hip and said something, making his eyes go wide in surprise that my curiosity grew to annoying levels. I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t. I was comfortable with how things were, but I was curious as to what she said that made that startled expression go across his face, what she could have possibly said that made him turn around and limp away from her as fast as he possibly could.
I glanced between the two of them with a confused expression before giving her a small goodbye and following after him, the sound of her soft laughter carrying after us. He had slowed to a shuffle a little way away, the color still high in his face. He glanced towards me when I fell into step next to me and looked away just as quickly, focusing on the space in front of him as he walked.
“What did she say that got you so flustered?” I asked, not really expecting him to answer me. “Who was she, anyway?”
“She was the girl that I told you about. The one that kissed me that night and I felt nothing when she did it.” I nodded slowly, I did remember that, remembered everything he had told me that night. “She asked if you were the one that I had a crush on and asked if anything had happened since she’d seen me last.” He mumbled.
“You have a crush on me?”
“No. I hate your annoying face.”
I grinned and poked his hip lightly. “What else did she say? She said something that made you walk off pretty fast.” He muttered something and I lent in closer to him to hear him.
“She asked if you were the reason that I was shuffling around and offered me some painkillers if I needed any.” I laughed, I couldn’t help it and he glared at me. “Shut up before I hit you, asshole. You’re the reason I’m walking like this in the first place. You were holding my hips like you thought I was going to run off on you. Who does that? Why would I go anywhere?” He snapped.
“You were the one rocking back on me. You weren’t complaining any, from my memory.” I slid an arm around his waist, drew him in closer to me. “Do you need painkillers? I’ve got some as well.”
“You’re an actual pain in my ass on more than one level. Asshole.” He said, walking off quickly, leaving me to catch up to him as I laughed.
I hadn’t been sure if I would ever meet up with a girl again to sit down for a meal. I didn’t count family in that thought. Of course I would be meeting up with family in the future, sitting down with them for food or casual talk, that was a given. It was more females that weren’t family. I had a few female friends, but I wasn’t close with them, didn’t meet up with them for lunch or anything unless we were at school with other friends. I certainly didn’t meet up with a girl that I had met only twice now, and that first meeting had been… awkward, to say the least.
But here I was, doing exactly that as Puifai slid into the seat across from me, placing her purse on the seat next to me. The smile she gave me was sweet, like it had been the first time I had met her but there was no shyness behind it this time. That shyness must have fallen away when she realized that the interest she had in me wasn’t going to be returned. Now she seemed more relaxed, more curious about how things were going than anything else.
“I’m sorry that I’m late.” I shook my head at her apology. I hadn’t been waiting for very long, not that it had mattered very much. It had given me time to try and settle my nerves. For some reason, the thought of meeting up with her made me nervous. When she had texted me to ask me to have lunch with her, I hadn’t thought much about it, had agreed to, but as the date approached, I had grown nervous. Unsure of why I had agreed to it, of if I should find some reason to cancel on her.
Not that I had a good reason. I wasn’t sick, there wasn’t something that had magically come up to stop me from going, Tharn wasn’t going to be upset if I went. He had been curious about who she was when we had run into her, had accepted my answer when I had explained who she was. Had seemed amused when I told him. Why was I nervous in the first place? I didn’t like her, wasn’t attracted to her at all, had no interest in her. It wasn’t the same nervous feeling I got around Tharn.
“How have things been since I last saw you at the bar? How have you been?”
That was it. It was because she knew more than my friends did. She had seen the state that I had been in that night. While Techno and Champ had been aware that something was bothering me, they hadn’t known what was bothering me, hadn’t asked what it was. They had just tried to find something to perk my mood up. Puifai had, in her observation and correct words, found the root of the situation. I felt a little vulnerable with her as well.
“Ah… They’ve been good. I’ve been okay.” She gave me a patient look and I sighed, drumming my fingers on the top of the table slowly. Tharn did the same thing to me when he was waiting for me to say something more. He never pushed if I didn’t want to, but he seemed to know if there was something more that I was holding back. Had a good sense of being able to tell if I was willing to tell him more or not. “I still don’t know why you wanted to meet up with me for lunch. Shouldn’t you be mad at me or something? I’m still waiting for you to be upset or something.”
“Well, if you keep waiting, you’ll be waiting for a long time. I’m not upset. Why should I be? You didn’t lead me on or anything like that. There was a misunderstanding that you corrected as soon as you saw it. Things like that happen, Type. My ego was bruised a little, but I’m a tough woman. I moved on from it.” She reached over and tapped the top of my hand lightly. “You were out with your roommate the other day. You said that he was the one that you had feelings for. The one that you were talking about that night at the bar? Are things going well there?”
It wasn’t something that I had talked with anyone about yet. Not Techno, not Champ, certainly not my parents. It wasn’t that I was ashamed by it, I wasn’t. It was just so new, so foreign to me that I didn’t know what to say about it. Maybe there was some part of me that was unsure of how they would react to the news, more so my parents on that front. They had been the ones to handle the nightmares that plagued me when I had been young, had handled the stretched of time where I didn’t want to be touched, had refused to talk. Would they be accepting of their son being with another man or would they turn away from the idea?
“I think so, yeah. I don’t really have anything to base it off of since I’ve never dated a man before.” I mumbled, heat creeping up along the back of my neck. “But you were right. I felt better telling him. It wasn’t as… easy as you said, but I felt better. I actually ended up telling him that night. It just sort of came spilling out and I couldn’t stop it.”
“What made it hard?”
With Tharn, the nightmares had eased back. They didn’t chase me and wake me in the middle of the night anymore. His presence was a comfort, a blanket that I could wrap myself in to shield myself from the pain of the past. He couldn’t heal me, couldn’t erase what had been done, but he had guided me to the right path to start down to begin healing. His gentle touches had replaced the painful memories of the ones from the past. In a way, his touches were healing, though they couldn’t heal me directly. They could help start the process, guide it along.
I had let him in, let him see a part of me that I kept tucked away from others. I let him see a part of me that I kept protected because I didn’t want to be judged or to be hurt, to be pitied. There were people that I had known far longer than I had known Tharn for that didn’t know about that, that may never know about it. There had been a piece of me that had felt safe telling Tharn, that had needed to tell him. It had been a weight off of my shoulders, a relief to say things that I had kept bottled up for so long. To have someone listen and accept that part of me without judgement, with the openness that Tharn had.
That didn’t mean that I was ready to tell everyone.
“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s personal.” I said softly. I wouldn’t say sorry for it, for not wanting to discuss something that I had deeply ingrained into myself to keep to myself, to keep silent about. Even if I hadn’t ingrained in myself to not talk about it, it wouldn’t be something that I would go off talking about to just anyone. “It was just hard to do, but I felt better after doing it. And it worked out, like you saw the other day.”
“No, you don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to. I understand.” Puifai waved my words away and gave me a kind smile. “I’m glad that you felt better, and everything seems to be working out well. You looked happy when I saw you the other day. Maybe a little embarrassed, but still happy. It was a relief to see. I was worried about how you’d been doing since then.”
I had been embarrassed, so it made sense that I looked it. Had only grown more embarrassed when she had asked why I was shuffling, then turned her gaze towards Tharn with a knowing look.
“I’m not sure why you’re being so nice to me, but I do appreciate it.” I said softly. I had grown used to keeping things to myself, grown used to being fearful to people finding things out about my past. I wasn’t sure what my friends would think when they found out about my relationship with Tharn and despite the fact that Puifai already knew about it, there was still a small part of me that worried about her judging me for it as well. It was a lingering fear that I always carried with me: a fear of being judged for doing something wrong.
I knew that people never wanted to be judged, but I knew my fear ran a little deeper than some. I wasn’t worried about my relationship with Tharn being viewed as wrong. I knew that it wasn’t wrong, there was nothing wrong with the community, with being attracted to your own gender. There had been lingering questions for years that followed me, in my own mind, asking if I had done something wrong that day. It was never a question that anyone else asked me, just one that I asked to myself, one that took me years to find the answer to. Had I done something wrong to cause it? Had I been wrong somehow? Was it me? Was it my fault? Was I wrong?
The answer was no. None of it had been my fault, none of it had been my doing, I held no blame, but I still questioned myself for years. Still questioned myself sometimes. Feared being judged, perhaps a little more than the normal person did. No one wanted to be judged, no one asked to be judged, but my fear of it ran a little deeper. I didn’t want to be told I was doing something wrong, even when I knew I truly wasn’t.
Sometimes it was a complex place to live in, my mind.
“I’d like to be friends, Type. There’s nothing more to it than that. You looked like you could use one at the bar, you look like you could use one now.” She gave me a small smile when I gave her a surprised look. “I’m guessing you haven’t told any of your friends about the change in your relationship status? That’s alright, figuring things out can be confusing and scary. Take your time. Since I already know, you have a friend here that you can come and talk to if you need advice or just someone to talk to.”
I blinked at her, unsure of what to make of the friendly smile she gave to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have female friends, I did. Just not ones that I met up with to talk to, not ones that I would reach out to talk to if I needed someone to vent to. Techno was the one that I always called if I needed a friend to vent to. He listened well, knew how to lighten my mood and make me feel better, in his oddball way. He couldn’t do that here and now, he didn’t know the situation, didn’t know about my relationship with Tharn or the feelings that I was experiencing.
“I haven’t told any of them yet. I’m not sure how to. I don’t know how they’ll react to it.” I mumbled softly. I didn’t think any of them would react poorly. They were all friendly and openminded, Techno friendly with a number of people from the community. It seemed silly to worry about how they would react while being fairly certain that none of them would react poorly. It made me wonder what was stopping me, but then again, it was the same thing that was always stopping me from doing a lot of things.
“That’s okay. Just go with it at your own pace.” Tharn had told me that, though it was in regard to other things. “When you’re ready, I’d start with Techno. He’s a supporter of the community and laid back. He’d probably just ask you a bunch of questions, to be honest. I can be there with you if you want, or you can tell him on your own. Whichever you want. Just do what feels comfortable for you, Type. That’s what matters.”
I’d sat and talked with Puifai for hours, steadily growing more comfortable with her as time went on. It had been odd at first, a little awkward. I’d been expecting anger or something from her, had gotten none of it from her. Just a friendly smile and easy conversation. It had been nice to be able to sit and talk with someone about things that had been happening. I hadn’t gone into depth about anything. It would likely take me longer to do that, take me a little longer to make sure that she wasn’t trying to gather information to use somehow.
I suppose I was a little distrustful of people, but it wasn’t something that I could help.
But I had told her of some things, had made her laugh with a few of the things I had said, made her curious to know more about others but she had never pushed for more than I was willing to tell. She was understanding, knew that it would take time for me to be willing to open up about something that I was still coming to terms with, coming to understand myself. When we had parted ways, she told me to message her or call her if I ever needed to talk, that she’d always be there to listen. A girl could give a different perspective to things.
It was true, I guess.
“You’re back. I was wondering when you’d get back. Have a good time with Puifai?” Tharn’s voice greeted me when I entered the dorm room, the door shutting behind me. I had told him that Puifai had asked for me to come and have lunch with her. I had been worried that he’d be upset that I had agreed, but he had given me an easy smile and told me to have fun, to not abuse my stomach with something ridiculously spicy. It wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t handle it like I could. Come to think of it, it’d be nice to have a friend to eat with that enjoyed spicy food too.
I still would have gone, even if he would have been grumpy about it. I had female friends, it was something that he would have to accept and get used to, but it had been a relief that he had been accepting of it. That he had encouraged me to. I wasn’t sure if he had been uneasy about it, there hadn’t been any uneasy look or unsure look given to me. Just an easy smile and encouragement to enjoy myself. It made a small part of me wonder if there was anything that Tharn was insecure or unsure about. There had to be something, right? Not that I wanted to poke around until I found out what it was, but I was still curious.
“I did. It was nice to talk to her, she’s easy to talk to.” I slid my shoes off and turned my gaze towards him, my brain sort of just… flipping off when it came to rest on him. A towel was wrapped around his waist, his hair still a little damp from the shower he must have just taken. My gaze bounced over him, moving from his face to his chest, down to where the towel wrapped around his waist before traveling back upwards.
In that amount of time, my trail of thought went from being pleased about his willingness to let me go and see Puifai (not that wouldn’t have gone anyway, I did what I wanted), to having a burning desire to have his hands on me and to have my hands on him. The way he could light that desire in me so easily, so quickly, was a little scary to me. It wasn’t something that I was familiar with, wasn’t something that I was used to experiencing. I knew desire, had felt it before, but had never had it… just swarm over me like it seemed to do when it came to Tharn.
It crashed into me like a wave and knocked me off my feet.
“Type?” His voice, soft and deep, drew me forward, bringing me to him like a magnetic pull. I found his lips in a kiss that was heated, full of the desire and need that I felt for him, my fingers sliding into his hair, a place that I found I enjoyed them being at. A soft moan escaped me when my back bumped against the wall as he backed me into it, his fingers moving a quick path down the front of my shirt as he undid the buttons of my shirt, his hands lifting back up long enough to slide my shirt off.
His fingers were always so nimble, so quick in everything he did. It sent anticipation rising inside of me. I wanted them elsewhere, bringing me that rush of pleasure I knew they could.
“Want you.” I mumbled softly when his lips found their way to my neck, my pulse quickening as his hand slid along my side, drawing me in closer to him. His hands slid down and undid my pants, easing them down my legs, my boxers traveling the same path. I kicked them to the side with a frustrated sound, a small scowl aimed at him when he laughed. Sometimes my self-control was remarkable. The number of times I’d wanted to hit him but hadn’t was high. “Shut up. This is your fault; you don’t get to laugh.”
My arms went around his neck after I’d tugged the towel away from his waist and let it fall to the ground. Steady hands lifted me off the ground and my legs hooked over his hips as he carried me over to the bed, his laugh going to a soft chuckle that had my stomach doing that stupid fluttering again. Whenever he laughed or smiled anymore, my stomach fluttered like there were butterflies inside of it. I had no idea what that was about, and it was something that I was a little afraid to look closer at. I could admit that I liked Tharn, could admit that I wanted to be with him.
I wasn’t sure if I could admit that feelings ran deeper than that. Or had the potential to run deeper than that. But… it wasn’t that strange to be afraid of, was it? It was new, unfamiliar. And weren’t people normally afraid of falling in love? I couldn’t be faulted for that fear, could I?
“It’s my fault, is it?” He sat on the edge of the bed with me and slid himself back, settling himself onto the bed. He drew me with him, coaxing me to straddle his lap. I gave him a small nod, my face growing warm as his hands slid over my side to my hips where they paused when my body tensed. The action was beyond my control, something that just… happened. I knew who it was touching me, was gazing at him as he did it, but it was still something I was guiding myself past. It didn’t take me as long to relax into his touch anymore, I did so almost immediately as his fingers stroked a soothing path over my skin. “I should take responsibility for it then, shouldn’t I?”
“If you want to.” I mumbled softly, my gaze sliding away from him. I knew my desire for him burned now, but that didn’t mean his did for me. Just because I wanted something didn’t mean he was in the mood for the same thing, didn’t mean he was obligated to do anything in return for me, and I didn’t want him to feel like he was. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how to convey these things, why was it proving to be so difficult when it came to Tharn? It felt like everything that I knew before just didn’t want to apply, just flew out the window and I didn’t know anything anymore.
Granted, things were different, things were new. But basic communication skills didn’t magically become foreign and new because the person was the same sex as me. I could use my words and tell him that, damn it. I was not some sex starved teenager, even if I appeared to be acting like it. If I felt starved for anything, it was the warmth he gave me, the security I found in him. The understanding he offered to me.
“Give me your hand, Type.” He spoke before I could, and I did what he said with a confused look. He pressed his lips to the back of my hand in a gentle motion that had heat rising in my face before he guided my hand down between our bodies. My breath hitched when he guided my hand to his cock, my grasp going around him willingly, the stroking motions I picked up slow but less awkward than they had been the first time I’d done it. “Do you think I want to?”
He was hard and heavy in my grasp, his desire for me apparent as I nodded slowly, his gaze heated as he gazed at me. Maybe his desire for me burned as intensely as mine did for him, sparked to life as easily as mine did. It would be a relief to know that I wasn’t the only one walking around in a constant state of desire, in a constant state of wanting his hands on me for reasons that I didn’t understand, but it simply was. I always wanted him, always wanted his touch somewhere on my body, whether it be sexual or just his hand against my back.
My arms went around his neck quickly when he leant to the side, the soft laugh coming from him making me smack his back lightly. He flashed me a grin as he dug into the bedside table, the heat rising in my face once again. The smack hadn’t been hard enough to hurt him, only enough to convey my message of shut up to him. The movement had startled me a little and it seemed to amuse him to no end when my body eased closer to him, when I clung tighter to him when I was startled.
Asshole probably did it on purpose sometimes. He never startled me in manners that would scare me, that would send fear rushing in around me. Only in manners that would make me cling to him like I just had. He would tip me to the side with him if I were sitting in his lap with him, lift me up in his grasp. And I would go blue in the face before I ever admit that I enjoyed the way body pressed closer to his, the feel of his skin against mine. I was sure he knew it, but I wouldn’t admit it. At least, not right now.
My breath turned to gentle pants against his skin as he prepared me, his touch never anything but gentle and slow. I slid my fingers into his hair as his fingers rocked inside of me, the preparation process one that was slowly becoming easier, one that was gradually taking less time. There was no fear, just a desire to feel that fullness he offered, the pleasure that coursed through me when I had him inside of me. The sense of completeness that I’d come to find in him.
I gave no thought to our position, assuming that he would roll me beneath him when he was ready to move things forward, my mind only flipping to our position when I heard the opening of the condom. I pressed my lips to his neck, my body ready for him to roll me beneath him, a soft whine of surprise escaping me when I felt him ease inside of me. My nails sunk into his skin, my hips moving on their own to take him deeper inside of me. Not what I had been expecting, but when was any of this what I was expecting?
Just… what was I supposed to do in this position exactly? I wasn’t stupid, I’d had sex in this position before, only I’d be in his place and there had been a girl in my position. Any time that I had had sex with Tharn, he’d been on top or, in the case of the last time, I’d been on my hands and knees. This was new territory. I should just pack myself a bag for exploring new territory with him, I seemed to be on a constant exploration.
“I’ll guide you, baby. Don’t worry.” His voice was soft in my ear and his hand rubbed a gentle path over my back to soothe me. When had I started trembling? I didn’t remember, didn’t remember the feeling of being nervous sweeping over my body but it had. Slowly I relaxed into his touch, a small smile slipping onto my lips as I trailed my fingertips over his back in a slow motion that was as soothing to me as his touch to my back was. “It’s not so different from when you’ve had sex like it before. I’m sure you’ve done it before.”
“I don’t have those parts, asshole.” I snapped the words, but there was no anger or irritation behind them. Oddly enough, amusement lingered in my words, but he was right. It couldn’t have been that different, could it? Sure, I didn’t have the same sexual parts as a female, but the motions would be the same. I could figure it out. I was smart enough to do it and if I couldn’t, I wasn’t beyond blaming my inexperience for my failure.
I was fully willing to blame my limited sexual experience with men for my fumbling around.
Tharn’s hands slid down to cup my ass as he guided my motions, a soft moan coming from me as I sank back down on him in a slow glide. He was letting me control the pace, control how fast I went, how much of him I took inside of me even as his touch guided me in what to do, how to move. Just like always, he was patient, understanding. He didn’t rush me, didn’t demand anything from me that I wasn’t willing to give to him.
When Tharn laid back, I fumbled with what to do for a brief moment, uncertainty creeping over me before I shoved it aside. Even if I floundered for what to do, Tharn wouldn’t laugh, would make fun of me for my hesitation, for my need for him to guide me. I knew that, trusted that knowledge more than I trusted my knowledge in a lot of things. He would guide me with gentle touches and soft words, as he had done countless times before, as he would in the future. I didn’t need to be afraid when I was with him, I was safe.
I slid my hands from his shoulders to his chest, letting my fingers trail a slow path over his skin as I went. Touching him was something I was still gradually adjusting myself to, was growing ever fond of each time I did it. It felt right, the solid muscle beneath my fingers, the sure hands the had moved to my hips. The feel of a female’s skin wasn’t repulsive to me, it would be odd for it to suddenly become an aversion for me, but it didn’t feel right anymore. It was too soft, to giving. Just… not what I craved. This was, Tharn was.
Tharn’s hands stayed at my hips as I rode him, a steady movement that became faster, more demanding in its own way. I wanted more of him, needed more of him and didn’t know how to achieve that, couldn’t quite figure out how to get the feeling that I desired. His hand slid from my hip to take hold of me, drawing a soft whine from me as I dropped my head forward to watch his hand glide along my cock in slow motions.
“Do you want me to take you harder, Type?” I nodded quickly in response to him as my breath hitched. I wasn’t quite sure why I enjoyed the hard pace that he had set against me in the past, but I had. Everything became purely Tharn when he took me like that, my entire focus turned towards him and the pleasure that swept over me. Maybe it was that I felt no threat of being swept up into the past when I was so focused on him, maybe I just enjoyed the intensity of it all. I was an intense person myself, after all. “Can you ask for it, baby?”
“Fuck you.” I muttered, giving his shoulder a light punch that only made him laugh. There was no force behind it, not anger or malice. Only embarrassment at the fact that the words had almost come tumbling from my lips. His thumb slid a slow path around the head of my cock, drawing a low whine of pleasure from me, making me tremble as he gave me a slow smirk. His stupid face with that stupid smirk was getting annoying, his hand moving along me in coaxing strokes. “P-Please… I want it harder, Tharn…”
His hips met mine in harder thrusts as he held my hips, drawing a soft cry from me. It sent pleasure rushing over me, the feeling exactly what I had desired as he filled me, the intensity what I had been craving. The heat in his gaze was meant solely for me, focused only on me as he looked up at me. Knowing that I held his complete attention was thrilling, knowing that I was the only thing that filled his mind far more pleasing that it should have been. But it was comforting as well, since he was the only thing that filled my mind too.
The sound of our neighbors returning home was not what I wanted, however. They seemed to have the worse timing of anyone that I knew, always managing to return home when I was in the middle of enjoying Tharn. In this case, enjoying him quite a bit as he jerked my hips down onto him, making me inhale a sharp breath, a hand going to the wall to brace myself. I braced it harder than I meant to, smacking it again the wall rather firmly causing a knock from the other side to sound against the wall. A gesture for us to quiet down.
They could bite my very aroused ass. That was the only thing that crossed my mind as I shot a glare at the wall, knocking an acknowledgement back at them, lowering my gaze towards Tharn who was giving me an amused look. I knew he was annoyed too, but the fact that he looked amused annoyed me further. I opened my mouth to speak but bit down on my lip quickly as he rocked his hips into me, trying my hardest to stifle the whimper that threatened to slip free.
“Come here, Type. I know you’re too stubborn to stop.” He said, drawing me down to lay against him. Of course I was too stubborn to stop. As if I were willing to deny myself the pleasure I wanted simply because those two idiots had come home at the wrong time. I was a grown adult, I could control myself perfectly fine, I could keep myself quiet if I wanted to. If I failed to, it was because I didn’t want to. “Let’s see if you can keep yourself quiet or if I’ll win.”
“Like hell you’ll win. Asshole. I’m not going to lose to you.” Challenging me was an effective method and he knew it.
“If they knock on the wall, you lose. Fair?” His hands slid down to my ass, a nod from me the only response he received as I fisted my hands in the sheets If I knew him, he would start out slow. Trying to tease me into whining for him to go at the pace I wanted, so I braced myself for that pace, the pace that I thought I would receive from him. That was not what I got, however. He didn’t start out slow or teasing but snapped his hips into mine on hard and fast thrusts that nearly made me cry out his name.
I bit down on my lip until it ached, a low whine coming from me as I slid my hands higher, pulling at the sheets as I went. Pleasure washed over me as he moved himself inside of me, my cock nestled between our bodies, rocking between us as I moved in time with his thrusts. I dropped my head forward to rest against his shoulder, soft, soft whines coming from me as he held my lower half firm against him.
“Let me hear you, Type.” He said softly, the soft sound of his voice so close to my ear sending shivers down my spine. “I know you want to. It’s okay, I’ll handle them for you later, baby. Go ahead and let me hear your voice. Please, baby?” He dropped a soft kiss to my ear, the feeling sending shivers through my body again.
“Not a chance.” I replied, my voice soft as I placed my lips close to his ear. I slid my fingers into his hair and gave soft tugs, giving a soft whine that only he would be able to hear. “You’re the only one that’s supposed to hear what sounds I make when you’re making me feel good. They’re not allowed to, Tharn. Only you are.”
I knew the words would provoke him in a sense, that they would stop his taunting for me to make noise, but they would also drive the possessive streak that I knew he possessed into play. I didn’t mind that streak, didn’t mind the protective nature that came along with it. He had never told me that I wasn’t allowed to do something, that I had to do this or that. He was possessive in the sense that he wanted people to know that I was his, but he wasn’t pushing me to say anything yet because I wasn’t ready. He respected that, was willing to wait for me to be ready.
My orgasm crashed into me on a wave of pleasure that had me trembling as his hips met mine in a hard and deep thrust. I bit down on my lip again, making it ache all over again as I came over both of our stomachs, completely unsure if my attempt to smother my moan in his shoulder was successful or not. I felt his hands move from my ass up to my back, stroking slow paths over my skin as my breathing slowed, until I pushed myself up on shaky arms to look down at him.
When he gave me a look that requested permission, I nodded and slid his hands back down to my hips before bracing my hands against the bed. I wasn’t sure what was so pleasing about feeling him seeking out his own releasing, about feeling him finding it through me, but there was something satisfying about it. I received no added pleasure from it, received no additional second orgasm of my own, but it gave me a rush, a thrill knowing that I had been the cause, that he had found it because of me.
His hips found a steady pace against me and the overwhelming urge to turn his face away from me rose inside of me as his gaze traveled over my face, the color rising in my cheeks. I curled my fingers into the sheets next to his head to stop myself from giving into the urge, letting the knowledge that he found pleasure in watching me settle over me. Why, I didn’t know, but if it brought him pleasure, I would let him do it, even if I didn’t understand it.
“You’re going to hurt yourself, my baby.” He slid his hand up to rest against my cheek, his thumb passing over my lower lip to coax me to release it. When he passed his thumb over it in a light motion, it ached at his light touch. I was sure that it was red and would be a little swollen later because of the abuse that I had been putting it through. There wasn’t much else for me to bite onto though, so it had become my unfortunate victim.
On an impulsive move, I drew his thumb between my lips and sucked gently against it as I gazed down at him. I knew where his mind went as his gaze grew heated, as his hips moved harder against me. I knew he thought of my mouth elsewhere. I wanted to, was curious to try, was steadily building up my courage to try and the desire on his face drove my curiosity higher. How would he react to me trying? Would he enjoy it? Would he look at me like he was now? Like there was nothing more attractive in the world than me,
His rhythm became unsteady and he sank into me on a hard thrust that drew a soft whine from me, a sound that was overtaken by the low moan that came from him as his orgasm rushed through him. The hold that he held on one of my hips tightened before it relaxed and I released his hips thumb, both of our attention going to the wall when a hard knock came from the other room. The slow smirk he gave me was replaced by a startled one rather quickly.
“Come on, Tharn! Keep it down over there! We don’t want to listen to you getting it on with whoever it is you’re dating now. Hang something on your door handle and we’ll avoid coming back or something. Keep it down.”
I gave him a smug look and mouthed Yeah, Tharn. Keep it down. at him, which only earned me a quick smack on the ass for my troubles. Not an unpleasant feeling either, not that I was going to tell him that. I glanced towards the wall and gave it an annoyed look, though it wasn’t the cause of my annoyance. The people on the other side were. They had a knack for coming back at the worst times.
“I’m going to end up hitting one of them.” I muttered as he eased out of me, leaving me with that empty feeling.
“Why don’t we move into an apartment together at the end of the term then? We can find one with decent walls so we don’t have to worry about it.” He asked and I looked at him in surprise. It wasn’t something I had ever thought about doing, wasn’t something I had been looking for him to suggest either. It wouldn’t be so different than the living arrangement that we had now. We were living together anyway; it would just be off campus. Even if we fought, it wasn’t like I could go out and find someone to switch rooms with by now. People had gotten used to their roommates, had likely become friends with them, gotten used to routines.
Tharn knew my… situation, anyway. He knew what to do if I had a nightmare because he had to come back late for some reason. He knew how to handle me. I wouldn’t be willing to try and explain all of that to someone else again, wasn’t sure that I would be able to. Tharn had waltzed past every wall that I had put up like they hadn’t meant anything to him or like he couldn’t read the warning signs to keep out.
And a place with better walls probably wasn’t a bad idea because of the nightmares. I wasn’t sure if I made noise anymore when I had them. I had in the past when I was younger, I could remember waking up in the middle of a scream, remembered waking up with a sore throat with my parents soothing me the best that I could. There would be no way for me to explain that away if it were to happen again.
“We don’t have to, Type. It’s fine if you don’t want to.” He said softly.
“No. No, it’s alright. It’s not a bad idea. Not just because of the sex either.” I said softly and gave him a small smile when he sat up, ran a soothing hand up my back. “I don’t know if I do anymore, but I used to when I was younger. It’d be hard to explain it away if I started again. If my lip bruises because of them, how am I going to explain that? I can’t keep doing that. I’ll have permanent teeth marks there and a permanent bruise.”
I waved the saddening mood away as I let my lower lip poke out in a pout, as I tried to see how badly I’d bitten down on it. All I knew was that it ached enough that I wouldn’t be surprised if it did bruise. When Tharn let out a soft laugh, I looked towards him, felt heat creep up the back of my neck when he pressed his lips to my lower lip. His arms slid around my waist and drew me closer to him, a move I went willingly into.
“You could always blame me for it.” He suggested and I rolled my eyes at him
“Like hell I will. I’ll say I walked into a wall or something.”
“Because you saw me nude.”
I covered his face with my hand, turning his head away from me even as I looked away from him so he couldn’t see the small smile trying to turn my lips upwards. His stupid annoying face wasn’t getting the pleasure of knowing that he had made me smile. I wasn’t going to let him know that his cheesy, corny statements were something I enjoyed hearing.
Sorry for the long time between updates. I needed to step back from this one for my own mental health. I went through something very similar to Type when I was a child, so I sympathize deeply with his character. My mind is settled again now, so I'll be able to work on it again, which I'm happy about! I do enjoy writing this, and it's soothing for me as well.
I'm over on Twitter if you'd like to come say hi at all <3
Chapter 12: Chapter Twelve
I got him back for that little jab at the dorm after we moved into the apartment together.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t warned him that I was going to get him back for it. I had. I warned him before he’d ended up beneath me. I’d warned him that I was getting him back for the jab, that I’d have him testing out whether or not the walls of the apartment were truly thick. That I was sure that our neighbors would be the first ones to let us know if we were being too loud and they didn’t want to hear us anymore. Any banging on the wall would be our indication or, if our neighbors were more subtle than that, if any gentle words the next day.
His response had been typical Type. He’d called me an asshole as his face had turned pink, firmly said that he wasn’t going to say a damn thing the entire time, that I wouldn’t be able to make him make any sort of noise. That he wouldn’t give in, he would win, and I would lose, and he would laugh when he was victorious. While I believed fully that he was that stubborn, I didn’t believe that he was that determined.
Well, I didn’t believe that he was as determined as I was.
I gave it to him; he lasted a great deal longer than I thought he would but watching him trying to keep himself quiet had been a pleasure in itself. His hands had fumbled for places to hold onto, moving from the sheets to my shoulders or arms, back to the sheets. His breath had hitched, and his poor bottom lip had suffered more abuse than it rightfully should have as he bit down on it countless times. His back arched and the only sounds that passed his lips were soft, soft whimpers.
He’d given in when I’d gone from the teasing pace that I thought would draw the frustrated moans from him to the hard pace that I knew he liked. He’d switched from soft whimpers and the moans that I’d always craved to hear at the dorm, but he’d been forced to hold back. The sounds of his pleasure had wrapped around me, a pleasure for me itself. I’d wanted to hear his voice let free for a while; it was thrilling to finally be able to hear it. Nothing held back, nothing blocking the sound; just Type in his pleasure, my name from his lips as I offered him that pleasure.
Not to say that he hadn’t thrown a pillow at me after we had finished. He had. He’d thrown it right at my face, his breathing still returning to normal as I’d walked out of the bathroom to clean him up. The tips of his ears were red, and he dropped his head back against the bed, sprawled in the same position that I’d left him in before I’d disappeared into the bathroom to throw the condom away and to fetch a damp cloth.
“If one neighbor complains, if one person walking down the hall complains, I’m smothering you in your sleep with that pillow. Your life as you know it will end, you’ll have signed your own death warrant. Any threat you can think of, I’ve given it to you.” He muttered, shooting me a glare when I grinned at him. One of these days, he was probably going to actually hit me for just grinning at him when he threatened me, if not to just prove a point. That he’d actually do it.
“If someone complains, I’ll bribe them to keep them quiet. I promise.”
“You’ll need to bribe me to keep me from killing you.” He snapped, though there was no anger behind his words. I knew when he was angry and knew when he was embarrassed about something, had become used to the two different emotions. Here, he was embarrassed, worried that we would have been heard and that he would have to handle a neighbor approaching him and asking him to be quieter next time. Embarrassed and shy. I hoped, over time, I would be able to help him become more comfortable with being vocal with me, though I didn’t mind that shy side of him.
It was cute, though I’d never tell him that. I didn’t want to be smacked,
“And what should I bribe you with to keep you from killing me?” I asked, leaning down to press my lips against his. I was met with a face full of pillow as he shoved it into my face as he shoved me back away from him. He was running out of pillows to attack me with. If I got that one away from him and tossed it away, he’d be pillowless. He’d still have weapons in the form of his fists, so it was better to leave the pillow with him, they were softer.
“Figure it out yourself, asshole. It won’t be easy, so you’re going to find yourself with a face full of pillow again.” He jerked the pillow back to himself, hugged it to his chest even as he shot me a glare over the top of it. It wasn’t odd to see him hug a pillow to himself if he were shy about something, he did it often, actually. Whether he realized it or not, I wasn’t quite sure. He would hug it to himself, rest his chin on the top of it, turn his face into it.
The pillow he hugged to himself was mine, his fingers curling into the pillowcase around it. He’d been doing it more often, recently. I’d noticed him hugging onto things that were mine, woken up with him all but plastered to my side. I’d walked in on him holding onto the sleeve of one of my shirts the other day, only to have him stalk off in an embarrassed huff. I hadn’t been sure what was bothering him until I’d sat down and thought about it, then I’d had a sneaking suspicion about what it might be.
It was just a matter of getting him to tell me.
“What’s bothering you, Type?” Sometimes direct was the best course of action with him. Sometimes coaxing worked best, sometimes just asking him directly worked better. Which worked best in each situation was something that I was still figuring out, but I had the feeling that direct would be the best in this situation. Direct and quick, not giving him a lot of time to think of an excuse to give me to not tell me. While I wouldn’t force him to tell me, I didn’t want him to suffer with whatever was bothering him on his own. He didn’t have to anymore.
His gaze darted to the bags that had been backed and placed by the door and away from them just as quickly, settling on the wall, his arms tightening around the pillow he clung to. My thoughts had been right. We’d decided to move into the apartment before he headed home when our break came around. He was looking forward to seeing his parents, he had expressed his pleasure about being able to see them again, but I had been able to tell that there was something bothering him at the same time.
Part of him was nervous about going home too.
“Are you nervous about going home?” I asked. He rolled onto his side, his back to me and I gave a small smile at the gesture. “I won’t make you talk to me, Type. You know I won’t, but I can’t help figure something out to make you feel better if I don’t understand what you’re feeling. Can you try and explain it? Or do you really not want to?”
Type gave a soft sigh, his head tipping down towards the pillow. “I am nervous, but not for the reason you might think. I’m not nervous about running into him again or anything. I won’t. I’m nervous about having nightmares again. I don’t know if I will because you’re not there. I don’t have them now because you’re here and I don’t know… I feel safe. I never really felt safe before. I knew that I wasn’t going to randomly run into him, but I never actually felt safe. There was always some part of me that just felt scared, like I was in danger. I feel safe when I sleep next to you. You’re not going to be there with me, so I don’t know if I’ll have nightmares again or not. And I’m nervous about that. What do I do if I do? My parents run a hotel. I can’t wake everyone else up with my screaming and crying.”
I slid down to lay next to him as he spoke, drew him back against him, relieved when he scooted himself back into my embrace. I said nothing as he spoke, letting him speak of his fears, my lips pressed against the back of his shoulder. There was nothing more that I wished I could do than shield him from anything that would hurt him, but it wasn’t something that I could do. There would be things in the world that would hurt him in the future, things that I wouldn’t be able to shield him from. They would hurt him, make him cry, but they would make him stronger too.
All I could do was be there to comfort him, to help him pick himself up and face it when he was ready to. That’s all I could do now. Help him face the little bits of things that haunted him from his past when he was ready to.
“I’d go with you if I could, but I know you want to go home on your own.” He did but didn’t at the same time. Both of us needed a little bit of time away from each other before we got on each other’s nerves, having been together near constantly for weeks on end now. I didn’t think he was quite ready to tell others about us, which I understood. It was something new to him, something that he was still adjusting to himself. I didn’t fault him for it, wouldn’t push him to let others know before he was ready. “Is there something that you think might help you?”
He was quiet and tipped my head forward, resting it against the back of his shoulder as he thought. Quiet settled around us, his back warm against my chest as I held him. It was possible that he wouldn’t answer; that he didn’t have an idea. If that were the case, I would suggest what I had observed him doing, it might have been a subconscious thing he’d been doing.
“I want to take a few of your shirts with me. To sleep in.” He muttered softly, softly enough that I couldn’t help but smile just a little.
“You can take as many as you want. I’ll go buy new ones if you want to take all of them with you.” His elbow made contact with my stomach, a light little jab. “If you want to call me at night, do that too. No matter how late it is. I’ll answer the phone for you, I’ll have it right next to me in case you need me. So, don’t worry about the time you call at. It won’t bother me at all.”
“Even if it’s two in the morning?”
“Even then. I’ll still answer it for you. If something happens, call me. If you have a nightmare, call me. Even if you just want to talk, call me. We’ll talk for as long as you want, about whatever you want. We’ll talk about soccer even.”
“You don’t know anything about soccer.”
“So, you can teach me about it. I’ll listen intently and you can quiz me on it when we see each other again.” I touched my lips to the back of his neck. It wasn’t a sexual move, just a soft and reassuring gesture that I offered to him. An attempt to soothe the fears that he had. I couldn’t shield him from the hurt that would come, but I could offer him comfort and soothe the worry that settled on his shoulders. “We’ll figure it out together. I promise.”
I didn’t see his hand move from the pillow down to my own, but I felt it. Felt his fingers slide into mine, lace with mine, felt him hold to my hand tight. They weren’t big steps, nothing grand or monumental, but he was taking his own steps towards me. And for me, those little steps were grand. They were signs of trust, of acceptance. Signs that he was trying, even if it was difficult for him.
Which it no doubt was.