The light from Izuku's clock was blaring it's red light at him mockingly.
4:35 am it says.
Too late to go to bed and too early to wake up it's the time of day where the day is getting ready to wake up and you get that feeling of dread that you'll need to be happy the whole day.
Sometimes that makes the say feel longer.
Sometimes that makes the day go by faster.
Sometimes it just goes by with the same pace as normal.
It's hard to say. Which is true about a lot of things honestly.
...Like where this feeling comes from...the one that makes Izuku wanna jump off the roof of the dorms or drown himself in a bathtub or swallow a bunch of pills just to throw them back up again or stick his head in a noose and pull it so tight not even All Might could get it off.
Nothing comes from this feeling other than panic. Panic with sharpened breaths that feel like needles being pulled through the inside of skin. Panic that makes Izuku's whole body shake while he feels warm tears flow down his face and he feels so, so gross from all the snot running out of his nose. His thoughts would be racing so fast he can't tell if they're his own or someone else's just running through his head with him.
There's never anyone else though. Izuku is always alone when he panics like this. When he can't push down the feeling that he isn't living and just waiting to die and the desire to die sooner by his own hands.
It's 4:46 am now.
Eleven minutes have passed giving time for Izuku's brain to sink into the pits of panic attack brought on by the idea that, yeah, maybe he should just fucking die.
...But then why would he want to? His life is going so great for him--he has a quirk! He's in his dream school! He's being mentored by his lifelong idol!! He has friends--he has a whole life ahead of him and he's just wanting to throw it away. That's pretty selfish of him.
4:50 am brings feelings of unsettling guilt.
Izuku isn't meant to be the person in the position that he's in. He's taking the spot of someone more deserving of it. His whole life leading up to this moment wasn't supposed to end up where he is now, but he made it here with help and hard work.
It all feels so pointless.
Everyone builds up this idea that they have of him that doesn't fit him at all. He's not that person. Why does everyone keep thinking that he is? Do they know him? Who are these people and why do they keep talking to him?
4:53 am is disassociation.
When the panic gets to be too much and suddenly Izuku's brain just checks out of it. It's a coping mechanism, that fact is distant in Izuku's mind.
This is the point that Izuku's mind gets all fuzzy, where his head feels heavy and like it's floating at the same time. Everything feels weightless and he can tell that he's there and he knows what he's doing but he's not the one doing it and when the buzz behind his eyes and in his ears finally leaves his memory of when it was there will be spotty at best. Not that he minds it though. Sometimes it's better not to remember things.
Like his time before U.A.
It would be nice not to remember that. He doesn't remember it all anyways. At least not right now. Somewhere in his brain he's telling himself how the brain doesn't remember some trauma until you can handle it better.
Which is funny, cause Izuku is constantly remembering new things and he isn't getting any better. He's undeniably at a worse spot than before.
Maybe it's cause he isn't being bullied anymore? Maybe it's cause he's actually in a good place now?
He can't appreciate it at all though. He doesn't have the energy nor the will to do anything other than sit and stare at the ceiling above him.
At 5:01 am Izuku realizes that he probably should call someone.
He's been doing that a lot lately.
--thinking about dying so much that he cycles between panic, disassociation and resignation in a period of time so short it makes the feelings feel so insignificant and irrelevant. And the cycle is always over the same thing: dying.
...But then there's always the better alternative of carving into his skin with a blade and looking at the fat under the dermis of his skin as blood begins to blood over it and dribble out of his body.
Watching that gives him a weird feeling.
Pride, guilt, relief, resentment.
Somehow the release of energy from cutting himself always gets renewed into further panic on why he should kill himself. That's the only thing that's kept him from cutting himself lately. It makes him wanna die more and he's exhausted.
He really should call someone...or at least message them, but who would be awake at 5:07 am? Izuku knows a person who probably would be--a few actually, but would they even care? Would they just brush his problems aside like he's used to seeing in himself?
The anxiety of telling someone he wants to die is worse than the anxiety of actually wanting to die.
He doesn't deserve having friends that he actually knows care about him. He doesn't deserve the position he's been placed in. He doesn't deserve the love and affection he gets. He doesn't deserve--
He calls Hitoshi.
It's 5:11 am when he finally does and the passing time makes him wanna break his clock.
As he waits for Hitoshi to pick up the phone he thinks about how he would sound to him. Would he sound sad? Resigned? Anxious? Would his voice crack while he sounded like he was on the verge of tears? Would he sound calm? Would he stutter on his words and rush them out as if they were trying to hurt him? Would he be able to say them at all?
Hitoshi answers the phone with a "Hello, is something wrong?" because he knows Izuku and he knows Izuku doesn't ever call anyone at ass-o-clock in the morning without there being a reason for it (and usually that reason is reassurance over his answer for a homework question).
Izuku takes a breath.
Wow. So eloquent. Might as well kill yourself over that.
"I- uh," he tries again, but because he's still feeling worthless and guilty he stumbles and pauses on his words. "I...I don't think I'm doing that great right now. sorry I just…I...I don't.. I don't think I've been doing that great for...for a while and I'm sorry. Sorry."
And there's a beat. A pause. A moment of silence before Hitoshi responds and it makes Izuku think that he's gonna get hung up on and left alone again and the thought of that makes him start to panic again and--
"Are you safe?" his friend finally says.
"I…y- yeah. Uh, yeah I, I think I am. Kinda," Izuku says. "I don't really know sorry."
Hitoshi makes a noise of acknowledgement. It makes Izuku feel better, somehow. The noise is familiar. It feels safe. No one ever makes that noise towards him when they're mad.
"What are you doing right now?" Hitoshi asks.
And that makes Izuku freeze cause what is he doing right now? He's thinking about killing himself, but somehow that doesn't seem to be the answer that Hitoshi was looking for. It's the only one Izuku has though.
"I- uh..well, calling you for one," the green haired boy laughs. It's an empty laugh. "and uh..and I guess, uh, I guess I'm also thinking about, um, dying? I guess. Sorry"
The apology was tacked on quickly at the end in case what Izuku just said annoyed his insomniac friend.
He hears a breath from the other end and then a "shit ok" before listening to the sound of someone shifting into a new position.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No. Maybe?? I don't know sorry"
"Nono--it's ok, you don't need to apologize. I'm glad you called," Hitoshi takes a breath. "Can I ask you some questions?"
"Oh, uh, yeah...I guess that's fine"
With all the pauses and stuttering in the call time got soaked up. The questions began at 5:36 am and it's been an hour since Izuku really started feeling bad and now just barely feels better than he did before he called Hitoshi.
"Where are you right now?"
"In my dorm room."
"Do you have anything that can hurt you?"
"Not..not right now, but, uh, but there's some that, uh, that I can get pretty easily."
"Ok, uh, is it alright if I come over then?"
"I..think so yeah"
"Alright, stay on the call ok?"
And they went on like that. Hitoshi asking Izuku questions to get a gauge of the situation. to get an understanding of where Izuku is right now mentally and physically. Asking questions about where he is in the dorm room, are the lights on, is the door unlocked--stuff like that. things that have fact-based answers. Things that don't let your brain wander.
Hitoshi arrives at his dorm room at 5:42 am. he's in sweats and he looks stressed. He's holding his phone which currently has a "Call Ended" screen.
He looks over to Izuku, taking in the small boy's disheveled appearance. Izuku is wearing a blue shirt that says "tuxedo". He looks tired. They both look tired--one more so than the other.
The taller boy moves to sit next to Izuku where he is on the floor next to his bed. And they just sit there for a while. Izuku watches the red digits on his clock change as the minutes tick by. He wonders why Hitoshi came over just to sit next to him while also knowing exactly the reason why--Izuku was somewhere with access to things that could kill him and Hitoshi came over to watch him. He couldn't be trusted to not kill himself basically.
When it becomes 5:49 am Hitoshi finally speaks, "Do you feel like this a lot?"
Izuku makes a noise that essentially asks what the purple-haired boy meant.
"I mean, like, do you feel like dying a lot?"
He looks up at Hitoshi and he really doesn't wanna say it aloud so he just nods. An affirmative answer. he wants to die all the time.
"How often?" his friend prompts.
Izuku pauses to pick at his fingernails. "All the time"
Hitoshi takes a breath and nods. "You know I need to tell Aizawa about this right?"
"Yeah, I guess"
"Izuku it isn't healthy to think that way all the time"
The smaller boy shrugs. Even if it's unhealthy it's just normal to him. It doesn't bother him anymore. It doesn't really matter.
"Do you wanna talk about it now?"
"No, not really. sorry."
"Ok, you don't have to apologize"
"You don't have to--you know what? nevermind, I accept your apology"
And then they're quiet again for a bit. Neither of them know what to say or how to approach the situation. Each of them feel relief in one way or another--one being that his friend is alive and the other being that he isn't alone.
It's at 6:01 am when Izuku is the one to break the silence that hit them once more.
"It's no problem, Izuku."