It’s the most beautiful day of his life.
Should be. The most beautiful day of his life.
For matters that Iida has always had trouble articulating, he’s found the approaching of this day… particularly daunting. Even now, the apprehension that greets him anew with every minute just refuses to dissipate. It troubles him, how much he can’t seem to sink into the happiness of this moment. He so wants to.
It was a gorgeous ceremony, in any case. It took place in a lavish church, an easy compromise of spiritualities, and the two both donned a pure and innocent white as they went down the aisle. There was a beautiful sort of peace in staring up at the stained glass, getting lost in the patterns as he walked. It brought tears to his eyes, seeing the angels, the forgiving glow of God behind them. There’s a hesitant contentment that follows after, an unsteady attempt at inner peace.
It falters away from him by the time they get back to the hotel. Something in the air grows odd.
He’d swept her inside fast, quick to get her inside, but once he’s in the room, something seems to break down and away from them, one wary fragment at a time. He sets her down and she smiles gently at him, already sensing his waxing distress.
She comes close, wrapping her arms around his waist. She feels so soft and comforting against him, and he can’t help but feel some of that tension between his shoulders ease at her proximity. He really does love her, despite his ailing temperament.
He tugs her a little closer, sparing her a kiss to her forehead, which she chuckles through.
“So~...” she hums out. “Tenya… Today’s the day you finally run out of excuses to use my first name~”
Tenya lets out a soft, awkward laugh. “Yes... I suppose it is!” he agrees. “Yes, it would be strange to refer to you with- with our last name, wouldn’t it?”
He can’t help but flush at the idea, despite how chaste it is, despite the months and months and months that have led to this moment. Finally, the two of them are one whole, Iida Momoka and Iida Tenya. Together under one name, one household, bound for as long as eternity allowed. As long as God was willing.
He flushes more, pink dancing lightly on his cheeks. Smirking at the sight, Momoka leans up onto her tiptoes, but even then, she can’t quite reach enough to place a kiss onto him. Tenya appeases her, lips quirking gently as he crouches down and lowers his head to meet hers.
“Can you now...?” she murmurs after another sweet moment.
“Can I what?” he teases back.
“Say my name for meee...” she whines.
He lets out a soft hum, as if considering the thought. “Momoka-san,” he says, with another tiny kiss.
“Nooo...” she whines again, giggling as their lips meet. “So formal!! C’mon...”
“Alright, alright...” He can’t help but laugh with her, so in love. “Momoka-kun?”
“I don’t think so!” She gives him a light little smack against his chest. “No honorific!”
“Oh? Well, why didn’t you say so in the beginning? We could have saved so much time.” Tenya smiles, cupping her cheek. “Momoka...”
She pouts her full lips at him. “Was that so hard?”
“Yes - it was!”
“I’ve been picturing this moment forever, you know!” Momoka insists with another little smack. “You teaseeee!!”
“Mm,” Tenya hums, though the word, a harmless quip, hardly a real insult - stings unpleasantly as it lands against his chest like another fist. In an instant, it calls back memories, old arguments, desperate fights, rolled eyes and accusations. He immediately calls forward the hurt in the eyes of previous partners, the clear offense in their expression when he tried and failed for intimacy, again and again. He’s lucky he has the privilege of the masculine sex, lord knows what he’d be called if he had this particular hang-up otherwise.
Would he fail again, he dares to wonder. Would his frigidity serve to ruin another night, another relationship? The two have lasted this long, but would he be able to perform, now, when it mattered most? Would he fail?
“Tenya,” Momoka repeats patiently, something in her voice hinting that she’s been saying it on repeat since he’d drifted off into less agreeable thoughts. Blinking, Tenya glances towards her, taking in her soft expression, eyebrows furrowed slightly with worry.
“There you are,” she murmurs, bringing her hand to his cheek. She cups his face lightly and draws him closer again. “Stay with me tonight, okay…?”
Without the context, it seems a coy, innocent request, almost silly considering the day. But years of their closeness spelled her request out quite clearly. He needs to stay present. He needs to enjoy her and her alone. He needs to keep himself from sinking into those dark, macabre thoughts that whispered and pried at him, even now.
His breath catches slightly, but he hides the sound under another loving sigh. He leans to kiss her. “As you wish, my love…”
“I’ve been waiting for tonight…”
She wraps her arms around him.
“... for so long, Tenya…”
Their lips meet.
It’s soft, gentle, and it feels wrong. Has always felt wrong.
Tenya floats. His eyes drift close, and behind his eyelids, he drifts towards a distant blackness, towards an old memory, his first and all the times that followed.
He remembers the way his brother had kissed him.
The way he’d lean in, his mouth parted just so, his breath light in anticipation, like he’s been holding it for years. The way he’d shuddered the second they made contact, and he’d rushed to continue like it was his last chance to. That handsome, boyish stubble that always felt sharp against his lips, rubbing against him as his mouth overtook his, his tongue filling it completely.
They could spend hours like that. Tensei on top of him, holding him still, panting between kisses that were all somehow desperate and confident, all at the same time. Whispering his name like a secret. “Tenya… Tenya…”
He’s dragged back to the present. His breath is harsh, too harsh for what they’re doing, and sweat gathers along his brow. He feels strangely desperate, deranged in a strange, distant way, and Momoka offers a sympathetic look as she tugs him along, leading him deeper to the room.
“To the bed?” she asks him softly.
Tenya nods in a few quick jerks. He hates this for her. His chest aches for her. He loves her so much. He wishes he could give her everything she wants.
He tries to. He really does try.
Their lips wander together again, as they drift backwards, navigating around only by touch. His arms come to drift along her waist, his hands running over that delightful, plush softness of her hips. He kisses her tan skin and she sighs as she lets her head dip back, allowing him to kiss along her throat.
They fall into the bed together, sheets billowing around them as they settle. Every sound that leaves her is dazzling, a magical, musical chime that decorates the air around him. It’s almost easy with her. He smiles as she moans and arches, and her hands grab his and tug them where she needs them to go, and it’s almost easy. He squeezes her breast dutifully, his fingers slipping under her dress. His hands skim around again to pull it off her, dragging the zipper down, exposing more and more beautiful skin. She moves to eagerly undress him as well, and somehow he escapes a wince as his bare chest is brought into the air. She leans in to bite at him, sighing against his pec, and she lets her hands run along his body. They trace his muscles, ghost over his scars, find his back and leave him shivering as they follow the line of his spine.
Her hands run over his ass, giving them a firm squeeze. He gasps, his breath catching.
“God, you’re gorgeous…” Momoka murmurs.
He swallows tightly.
He’s doing everything right, now. God would forgive him, finally, wouldn’t he? For what he’s so sinfully done? He’d smile down on this now, wouldn’t he?
Momoka tugs him, pulls him down into the pillows. His back presses into the mattress as she moves on top of him. He watches her, his eyes wide, as she flashes a soft, loving smirk and dips down to kiss him, her hand on his skin, drifting lower, lower…
A prayer starts to writhe its way onto his tongue. Senseless ones, pieces of them, useless in their shattered form. Forgive all my sins - do not recall the sins and failings of my youth - remember me - have mercy on me - lead us not into temptation -- God, oh God--
A palm presses to his crotch.
He wants to stop. It’s all his fault.
He sees the scene in reverse, almost. The ending before the beginning. Tensei’s shame, the way he shook his head, his careful hands smoothing over his thin, messy legs as he cleaned him. “It’s okay,” he murmured, both times, when he’d started and when he’d finished, a mantra that followed every touch. “You’re going to be okay.”
“Promise?” Tenya gasped.
“You’re okay. You’re going to be okay.”
Tensei was almost shy looking at him. He smoothed back his hair, petting him gently, watching him marvel through the cold shock of his first kiss. There was something far too needy in his eyes, far too vulnerable, and Tenya couldn’t help but whimper at a sudden, disorienting spark of fear. This didn’t feel like something he was meant to be seeing.
“Did you like it?”
Tensei didn’t let him answer. He kissed him again, lips surging against his own, clumsy hands reaching up to shakily remove his glasses and put them aside. He climbed on top of him, devouring him all too easily, the hesitance of just a few moments before melting into something frantic and insatiable.
“Tenya… Tenya, do you like it?” Tensei asked him again, breathless between kisses.
Tenya stared at him, frightened. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He’d never seen his brother angry before, not really, and certainly never towards him, but suddenly he was scared to see it, scared that whatever this was would turn to something painful, and terrifying.
“Yes,” he whimpered, paling further at the lie. He hated lying. To him. To anybody.
But he hated this. He really, truly did.
Tensei seemed to sag with relief right there, hearing him. “I knew you would,” he moaned softly, kissing him again, moving his lips along his skin. He sucked hot little marks along his throat that burned through his blood, carefully nipping at the skin with his teeth, gentle enough to only color his skin for moments at a time. “I knew you would, you’re so good. So good. Touch me?”
His hand was on his belt in a second, feverishly pulling it open. He grabbed for Tenya’s hands, shoving them down the front of his pants where his cock, already hard, seared against his palm like a brand.
“Y-yeah,” he moaned desperately. “Just-- just do that, just touch me, good, Tenya, you’re so good…”
Tenya was so scared.
His throat was tight as he tried to do his best. He didn’t know what he was doing, fumbling around, his hand twisted at an awkward angle, wrist bent strangely and aching within seconds. Tensei didn’t seem to care. He jerked his hips, panting and gasping, rubbing himself into every inch of his hand and babbling as he gathered him closer, kissing his temple and into his hair.
“You’re such a good boy, Tenya, you’re the best brother, you’re my favorite,” he whispered out, rambling mindlessly. “It’s so hard, Tenya, work is so hard. I don’t know what I’d do otherwise. If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do. Don’t leave. Don’t stop, you’re doing so good, that feels so good, Tenya, I can’t tell you how much I waited, how I always thought…”
He sounded miserable. This was a broken man that pulled away and rushed to undress him, to undress them both. Their clothes collected loudly on the floor besides their bed. Tensei’s body was covered in scars and dotted with sweat, jagged knots of tissue that shone in the dim light.
“I can touch you, Tenya, right? You’ll let me?” Tensei was saying, repeating himself over and over as Tenya dissociated away, focusing on odd details, the twitch of his fingers against the sheets, how soft they were, how bare he felt without the hair that covered his brother.
“Yes,” Tenya repeated, after a long moment.
“I’ll make you feel good.” He rushed to grab at his cock, stroking the soft thing fast. He’s too rough, inexperienced, and Tenya made a sad, squeaking sound as he pulled. “Does that feel good?”
“Yes,” Tenya repeated. Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes.
“I want to fuck you,” Tensei admitted, voice shattering. “I’m sorry.”
He lowered himself down and took him into his mouth, all at once.
Tenya gasped. In an instant, his legs wrapped around his brother’s head, trapping him in place as he engulfed him greedily, slurping sounds leaving him as he sucked. He didn’t even bob his head, he hardly needed to, and his hands pawed at him with that same feverish desperation, clutching to his plush thighs, groping at his ass, gripping him and holding him still as he panted and whimpered and sobbed from the feeling.
Ages seemed to pass. Tensei kept going until Tenya was practically squealing with every hallowing of his cheeks, unable to keep his voice down as he cried out. He felt like he was burning into pieces. He felt sick and strange, everything inside him swirling and tensing up, his hips frantically starting to buck with nowhere to go.
Tensei encouraged him with a low, needy groan. He reached down, stroking himself frantically, coaxing him with his tongue before finally swallowing around him.
His back arched painfully as he spilled into his brother’s mouth and down his throat, his hands in his hair, clawing at him, trying to pull him off.
Tensei didn’t budge, not for a long time. He seemed content to stay put, swallowing again and again until every drop of cum had disappeared. Tenya gave up once his refusal to be pried free was clear, slumping against the bed, tears streaming down his cheeks, his thighs twitching now and then as he lay there and waited, otherwise immobile. He felt used up, like Tensei was taking everything from inside him and leaving him with nothing. He didn’t know what he’d done to cause this to happen.
When his brother finally lifted his head again, his eyes were hazy, lost in pleasure, and his mouth was a shiny wet, heavy breaths leaving it as he inched closer to him again.
“Tenya,” he moaned out. “I’m almost…”
He spread his legs further apart, hand moving that much faster over himself as he climbed further on top of him again.
“I’m so close…”
Tenya watched him, miserable. “Niisan…”
Tensei gasped. His hand shot to his face, partially covering it as his hips suddenly bucked forward, fucking into his fist and spurting out to cover him. Cum splashed over his stomach and onto his cock, dripping down his balls and oozing along to seep along his hole before finally soaking into the sheets below him. His thighs were dotted with it. He was covered in a sticky, slimy, uncomfortable mess.
Tensei gasped to himself again. He panted, gulping down huge, heaving breaths as Tenya stared at him hopelessly, avoiding the sight of his own body.
He eased to the edge of the mattress, sitting and shaking his head, his cock going soft where he still held it cradled in his hand.
“God…” he finally murmured under his breath, after minutes had gone by. Tenya could feel that first word after his brother’s crime sinking in, imprinting deeper than the mess on his skin ever could.
Tensei slouched over himself, for a long time. Tenya didn’t move, feeling the hot mess slowly start to stick and dry against him, cooling disgustingly.
“... Niisan?” he whispered, after it started to flake.
Tensei flinched. He stared at him with wide eyes and rushed off, returning fast with a wet cloth. Pulling him closer, he cleaned him gently, cooing to him softly, words soft like a lullaby. “You’re okay. You’re going to be okay.”
Tenya didn’t know when he’d started sobbing, but Tensei held him close, kissing his cheek, his hair, rocking him gently. “I’m sorry. You did so good. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay.
A hand touches his cheek. Tenya gasps again, wrenching in another breath. He reaches up and clutches at his chest as it tears itself apart, eyes searching around blindly. His face is wet, drenched with tears.
His beautiful wife looks at him, something mournful in her expression. “Tenya?” she calls out again. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Talk to me, baby…”
Tenya chokes. He flinches away from her hand, fighting the urge to curl up and sob. “Momo- Momoka…” He shakes, covering his face with both of his trembling hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s not okay. It was never okay . I’m sorry.”
It all falls out of him, then, frantic, blubbering words, edging towards a wail. “I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I did to deserve th- that… What did I do to make him--” he sobs. “I didn’t want to, I swear I didn’t want to! I’m so sorry…”
He clutches to her, desperate all over again. “Please don’t leave me,” he begs. “Please, try again, I’ll do much better…”
She smiles at him sadly, tears in her eyes as she shakes her head. “No. It’s okay,” she murmurs. “I… think I’m too tired, anyway. Let’s just rest, okay? We can take our time… we can wait until we’re both ready, and willing... okay?”
He nods quietly, and lowers his head into her lap like a child, sniffling against her thigh as he curls up tight. “I don’t want to be like this,” he whispers as she brings the sheets over them.
“I know.” Her fingers come to rest against his hair, petting him soothingly. “I love you the way you are, though. It’s okay.”
He closes his eyes.
“I love you, Tenya .”
And only cries that much harder.
“I love you, too,” he whispers, to her, to his memory. “I love you, too.”