Actions

Work Header

The Corpse Groom

Work Text:

The invitations were sent out on a Thursday. Since they were sent to the Netherworld, they also arrived on the same Thursday. One by one, they popped into existence in front of a variety of spirits and ghosts, all saying the same thing.
Ms. Argentina was just finishing up some paperwork at her desk when Ryan, the horse jockey girl, burst into her office.
"Did you get the STD?" She asked excitedly, holding a piece of paper in her hands.
"Excuse me?" Ms. Argentina spluttered in confusion, until an identical piece of paper appeared on her desk in a puff of green smoke. She immediately saw the large lettering on the paper 'STD'. Ms. Argentina picked it up and saw that the acronym actually stood for 'Save The Date'.
"Oh okay. But who would-" She read further down the page "-of course. Only Laurence."
Ms. Argentina shared a smile with Ryan, who was bouncing on her toes. "It must be for him and that nice Recently Deceased couple he was working for. Remember? It was with the living who sneaked in a couple of years ago. You were quite protective of the young girl, if I recall."
Ryan stopped bouncing quickly, a blush gracing her pale bruised face. "I was not -she was -I protected -anyway, can we go? Please? I haven't left the Netherworld since Halloween of '06."
Ms. Argentina smiled and said, "I'll have to see who else got an... STD... but I'm sure I can call in a few favours."
Ryan twirled in a circle."Oh a wedding. I'm so excited. This is going to be a perfect day!"
------
"This is going to be the worst day!" Delia heard Beetlejuice cry as she watched him fail for a fourth time to set up the chuppah. Delia giggled to herself as she heard Charles shout back, "If you would just let me help then it wouldn't be so difficult!"
Delia wandered over after finishing setting up the chairs in the backyard. She heard Beetlejuice say quietly to Charles, "I know. I'm so-o-o-rry." He dragged out the word, stuttering briefly, "Their first wedding was so perfect and Christain, and they're doing this whole Jewish thing re-do for me and I feel like they shouldn't go through so much trouble and-"
Delia placed her hand on his shoulder and he stopped talking suddenly. "First off, they're doing this because they love you and they want to show that love to the entire Netherworld. And the reason why their first wedding was so perfect was because they were so in love that they didn't care about the mistakes. If you love them as much as they love you -" Beetlejuice nodded his head so hard his scalped hair flipped up and Delia could see his maggot brain "- then sandworms could crash the wedding and you wouldn't even notice."
Delia took his hand and led him into the house. They sat down together on the couch. "Secondly, this 'whole Jewish thing' is important to you, so it's important to them, and to us. You know Adam wished he could incorporate some of his traditions into their first wedding but Barb's parents were adamant that it was totally Christian."
Delia watched as Beetlejuice's hair shifted from a yellow to a deep blue. "I know," he said fidgeting with his hands in his lap. "I'm just anxious that they're playing a huge prank on me. I know it's not true." He help up a hand when Delia opened her mouth. "But knowing doesn't negate an entire afterlife of living with my mom."
Delia reached out and grabbed his hands as they sat together in silence.
"Oh well," Beetlejuice grinned. "It's my wedding day and look at these nails!" He held out his hands to Delia, who could see that his nails were black and as sharp as talons. "We got work to do, sister."
Delia laughed and pulled him up to her ensuite. As she grabbed the perfect green polish, she thought of her soon to be step-daughter.
"And the wedding having Jewish traditions will give Lydia an idea of what our and her wedding will be like. Assuming she gets married," She said.
"She will get married," Beetlejuice grinned impishly at her. "Even if only for the tax benefits." They both laughed as Delia starts on his nails.
-----
Up in the attic, Barbara was pacing. She was feeling anxious.
"I'm feeling anxious," She said. She turned to look at Adam, who was sitting on the bed, pulling on his socks. "How are you so calm? We're getting married to the most amazing demon in the Netherworld, and it has to be perfect. I want it to be perfect for him."
Adam stood up and walked towards her. He hugged her from behind and she felt herself calming down.
"Honey, it will be perfect. We're getting married to Beetlejuice, and nothing could be more perfect than that."
"Were you this calm when we got married?"
"Oh no. I was worse than you are right now. But with you and Beetlejuice by my side, I know that everything is gonna be ok."
Barbara looked out the window and saw that the guests were arriving. She saw Ms. Argentina, the horse jockey, a lady holding a toaster (?) on one side, and sitting on the other side, she saw a man with a shrunken head, a smoking short man, and a bunch of football players.
"They're all here. Okay, all of Beetlejuice's friends are here and I'm good." She knew she was trying to convince herself. "I'm good. Let's go."
Barbara and Adam descended the stairs and saw Lydia waiting for them at the back door.
"There you guys are! Cold feet?" She laughed, tugging on the edges of her red suit.
"Lydia, about entire bodies are cold. We're dead."
"I know. That joke never gets old," She laughed. "Okay so I'm going to walk down after Beej, then you guys follow me, then you do the marriage thing, then I get drunk and we lift Barbara on a chair. Sounds like a plan?"
Adam ruffled her hair gently. "Sounds like a plan except for the last part. You're fourteen Lydia. You can have one glass of wine, and you will not be lifting Barbara. Me and Beetlejuice will be."
Lydia grumbled, but she was grinning, so Barbara knew she wasn't too upset.
Before they walked out, Lydia put her hand on Adam's arm, halting them both. "Oh I almost forgot. Here's your kippah Adam. Delia and I knitted them for you and Beej. His has crossbones and ghosts on it, but yours is a lot more respectful. Sorry about the shitty knitting, I'm not very good yet." She handed the yarmulke to Adam, and Barbara saw that it was a lovely green colour, with magenta designs on it. She saw the tears well up in Adam's eyes.
"Lydia... I don't know what to say. Thank you. This means so much to me."
"Yeah whatever, you can thank me by taking Beej off my hands -oh wait, you already are doing that." She winked, grabbed a basket of black rose petals, and walked outside.
Barbara saw that Adam was still staring at the kippah, so she pried if away from him and pinned it to his head. She looked at him, and he looked back at her. Then together, they walked out the door and into their new lives.
-----
Beetlejuice was standing at the top of the aisle in front of the gremlin-looking Rabbi he knew from the 1200s. He was waiting for the three most important people in his entire afterlife to come down the aisle. When the music started playing, he turned and looked. Lydia was marching down the aisle, throwing petals everywhere, looking like a fairy lesbian princess in her red suit. She looked at him when she reached the tent, and he was amazed to see the pride in her eyes. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it a little, then walked over to the ladies' side of the wedding and stood next to Delia.
Then Beetlejuice felt an oppressing hush fall over the wedding. He looked and saw the two ethereal spirits that were Adam and Barb coming towards him. He felt like he was choking, like his heart was melting into his fingers, like every single one of his dreams was coming true.
There was so much love, admiration, and gratefulness that he felt his hair start glowing a neon green.
As Barb and Adam reached him and stood next to him, he just couldn't help himself any longer. He reached out and kissed both of them at the same time. Distantly, he heard the audience laugh, but he was too caught up in their lips to care.
When they finally separated, he smirked at the Rabbi and did a mocking bow towards him. The ceremony proceeded as planned. Later, if Beetlejuice tried to recall specific moments of the wedding he found he could only remember snatched. He remembers Charles and Delia coming up to sign the Ketubah, he remembers the Rabbi saying words. He remembers Barbara circling him and Adam to protect them from evil spirits (like his mom -ha!).
He came to when they all jumped on the glass together and everyone shouted 'Mazel Tov!'. He stared at the Maitlands -no, his husband and wife and felt like all his years of suffering made sense, were worth it, just so he could meet them. He would gladly experience another hundred centuries of torture, so long that he could hold their hands at the end.
They danced until late in the evening. Beetlejuice danced with both his loves, then only Adam, then Barb. He danced with Lydia, Delia, and even Charles. When Lydia went to bed in the wee hours of the morning, he found himself slowly waltzing with Barbara and Adam. They were resting their heads on his shoulders, and he felt nothing but bone-deep contentedness. Barbara lifted her head and smiled at him. She stopped waltzing and just stood staring at him and Adam. Beetlejuice felt his hand reach out and hold her face. He whispers "I love you," and smiles when she whispers it back.
Adam yawned and they all giggled.
"I think it's time to head to bed," Barbara said, giving Beetlejuice a strange smile.
"Oh yes please," Adam said. He put his arms around Beetlejuice and squeezed.
"What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?" Beetlejuice asked, his heart jumping in... not fear, but something that made his stomach tighten.
"Beetlejuice, it's time for wedding sex," Barbara said, looking at him from under her eyelashes. "And we're feeling... naughty."
Oh. Oh. The emotion was love. He loved them. He will always love them. He will kill and die for them. They love him too, he knows.
"What are we waiting for? Let's go!" He grabs their hands and they run towards the house, towards their new afterlives, and towards the future.