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Selfish Desire

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Gyro closed the door behind him, his back facing Johnny.
"We need to talk, Johnny."

It felt like Johnny just swallowed a huge rock.
He got a flashback of his father, standing up, back to him, unable to look at him.

"Will you look at me while we do?"

Gyro turned around, and Johnny could see how red and puffy his eyes were. It wasn't as visible as when Johnny cried, lucky bastard, but it told Johnny that Gyro was hurt.
He hated himself even more.
God, he hated himself.
That's something he didn't take time to tell himself, lately, how much he hated himself.

And now it was… More than ever. He never hated himself this much. He hurt the only person he ever truly cared about, after all.
He shouldn't be surprised. He always ended up breaking everything he loved.
Like his brother. His life.
His body.

Gyro.

"Why didn't you tell me?"
Gyro's voice was weak, unlike its usual self. Gyro had a strong, confident voice, when he talked.

Johnny was sitting on the edge of the bed, his foot barely touching the ground.

What could he answer to that? The truth?
He didn't have much of a choice now…

He looked down for a few seconds before he looked back up. Gyro was still right next to the door.
"Come here."
He patted the bed next to him.

Gyro hesitated but he ended up walking up to Johnny and he sat next to him.
Close.

"I guess I can't be lyin' anymore anyway. I mean, I didn't lie, really. More like, I ain't been telling ya everything."
Why was it so hard to say things as they were?

Johnny inhaled and exhaled loudly. "I told myself you'd leave my poor damn ass behind if I told ya, because it' s all my fault. Died in front of me. Couldn't save ya. Couldn't do nothing because I still needed you. And, and here Valentine was…"
Johnny sobbed, unable to control how his body was starting to tremble at the memories.
"He told me he could bring you back, you from another timeline or somethin'..." he shook his head. "I admit, I almost said yes. Almost. But it wouldn't have been you. I couldn't kill the guy because I'm useless, right? Ma' father made it clear all my life. But, my wrath was great enough that I managed to twist his fate to worst. Remember how I told you I made his whole body spin to eternity? I literally did. Until his body snapped and he died, I guess. Yay me. But… He was dead, and so were you. Definitely. I had no more chances to get you back."

Johnny brought his hands back up to his chest and pressed his fists against himself. Tears were running down his cheeks.
"I felt like I was the one that had died." he whispered. "I dunno how but I finished the race, somehow. Your body was with Steel. I lost to Diego because… Because he attacked me. I had no idea Pocoloco got before me, though. Honestly I couldn't think. I couldn't take any good decisions, or race like I should have. Later on, can't remember how, I… I found Lucy with the corpse in what seemed to be Valentine's safe. I got an epiphany. Well, I guess that's all I was thinking 'bout anyway. Got an epiphany, saw Jesus once again, telling me I had a choice. So I thought I could take the corpse to you. And I did. Now for what I remember... Jesus kept telling me I had a choice."

He looked up at Gyro, crying like a kid.
God, how could Gyro ever forgive him?

Gyro didn't look at him. He stared down, his hands grabbing his own thighs.
"I died." He whispered. He looked up at Johnny. "I think I remember. Those dreams I had… The pain, the drowning, the holes in my body…"

Gyro brought a hand to his forehead. He was so beautiful in his suit, his hair tied in a messy bun… Johnny couldn't even regret his decision. He knew it was wrong, maybe, but… Gyro was made to be alive. To be beautiful, forever.

"I woke up on your horse. I remember how I felt. Like I was born again. I can't remember what I felt when I got out of the womb but I've delivered enough babies to know. And this… It was the worst sensation ever."
Gyro rubbed his face slowly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Johnny frowned. "I told you. Because I was scared you'll leave me." he repeated.

"Is that the worst that could happen? Me leaving you?" Gyro asked.

"Yes." He took a deep breath, "I can't live without you Gyro." Johnny admitted and his lower lip quivered, so he bit it. It was a heavy feeling to concede.

Gyro nodded softly, his eyes wandering a bit before they found Johnny. "I see. That's cute, you know. But there's something about you, Johnny… Can you even think about anything else but yourself?"
His gaze was piercing.
And his words were murderous. Right in Johnny's ego, right in his uncertainties.

"Fuck you." Johnny hissed, frowning.

"No, you don't get to bristle, Johnny. Have you stopped, just once, and asked yourself if what you were doing wasn't going to have heavy consequences? Not just for you, but for Lucy and Stephen Steel, and for me? Have you thought once about me in all this?"

Gyro was being unfair, Johnny thought. His pretty face was hard to look at right now.

"How can you say that? Of course I thought about you, that's why I brought you back!"

Gyro scoffed. "Ya know, jojo, for someone who gets on his high horses about how unnatural a man loving another man is, you sure are pretty open about bringing a dead man back to life."

"Don't call me that, shut up, that's not…" Johnny sobbed. He felt his guts freeze, and drop, at Gyro's words. He looked down at his foot and saw them suddenly rotate in the way he inflicted it to Valentine. Oh no, he was losing control over his own counter rotation, and this he didn't want Gyro to know about. He tried to breathe in and out and his feet settled.

Was it all a big mistake? Was he… Was he really only selfish? "I couldn't… Couldn't keep going without you…" he cried softly. He brought his hands up to his face to press the ball of his palm against his eyes.

Gyro's breath caught in his throat. Maybe he was finally hearing that. "Listen, I'm not mad because you brought me back. I mean, that's fucked up all the way to Italy, but that's also big. I'm good with being alive, it's strange but I can't act like I don't want it. Such a second chance… Not given to many people. I'm just hurt you didn't think you owed me the truth. Especially because it's my life. And especially after everything we've done and gone through… "

Johnny jolted up when he felt a big, warm hand grab his nape suddenly.
"I can't lie, I'm upset. Against you, Johnny. And I see that you were trying to protect me but it's even more about your own selfishness and I can't let that pass."

Johnny sobbed louder, hurt, but also relieved. Relieved that Gyro could still touch him after all of that.
"You hate me." he cried, tensing slightly under the way Gyro was holding his nape.

"Right now, I totally do. I'm torn between punching you and kissing you. Should be illegal to be this cute when you cry." Gyro said.
Johnny looked up, eyebrows knitted together in a weird expression.

"You… Won't leave?" Johnny's voice was shattered. He sniffed, tears and snot mixing over his mouth.

Gyro groaned and pulled Johnny closer, to wrap his arms around him tightly.
"How could I? I think I'm in love with you, you selfish asshole."

And okay, maybe Johnny was going through the worst moment of his life, right now - or so he thought because a broken heart was the worst, but has nothing to compare to his accident of Gyro's death - but suddenly, everything clicked back together.

Gyro was in love with him.

Every shattered piece that Gyro, no, that Johnny completely destroyed right before, came back together to show him this had been the right choice.
Gyro was in love with him and Johnny thought he was going to pass out from the whiplash.

Silence took place. He should answer, tell him he loved him too, but somehow it felt like his past actions were screaming these words since the beginning.

He lifted his head after a few, long seconds, his eyes finding Gyro's, and he raised a hand to cup his face.
"I feel like this shouldn't be over yet."

Gyro cocked an eyebrow. "What, d'you want me to punish you? I could spank you maybe."

Johnny tried to laugh but it came out strangled and he blushed completely. Just like that, the atmosphere became a bit lighter.
He saw Gyro's gaze shift, but he needed to focus.
"Listen… I think yer right. Fuck I ain't happy sayin' it, but I've done all this for me self. I was worried you'd be so hurt you'd leave me. Again with thinking 'bout me. I don' t deserve you after all. I'm… So sorry Gyro. Can you ever forgive me? For… Not telling you, and doing something so freaky t'ya?"

Gyro kept looking at him. It was obvious he wanted to settle things down but Johnny knew he was going to keep being honest anyway.

"I have to process it. Two hours in the cold didn't really help." Gyro whispered. It wasn't what Johnny wanted to hear but it'll have to do. "Y'know, I've been having troubles lately, with feeling like myself. I don't think I completely came back." He raised a hand to rub his face roughly. "I'm a man of science, but I still have faith. And now I know Jesus of all people brought me back, I can't understand why he would bring only half of me. Are you sure there's nothing else?"

Oh there was something.
Johnny was battling against himself everyday, trying to counter his own stand attack on himself because of Diego. Hence why Gyro's rotation couldn't help Johnny walk anymore. Because Johnny was already using his own, against his own.
But that had nothing to do with Gyro.
Should he tell him?
Johnny looked down. Maybe later.

"I told you everything." Johnny whispered.

"What was that about Jesus' words? What he told you?"

Johnny could barely remember. He remembered a few words, "You have the choice." he repeated, but it wasn't all of it.
He shook his head. Damn was his memory, damn was he for being so blinded and deaf to anything but bringing Gyro back.

Gyro hummed. "Well, I guess there's nothing more we can do or talk about for now."
Johnny agreed. But he wanted to keep talking with Gyro. Wanted him to tell him he loved Johnny again.

Silence took place again, easier, but still charged with some kind of tension. Gyro sighed, and raised a hand to slip his fingers through Johnny's bangs.

He leaned in to kiss Johnny's forehead a bit too brutal.
Johnny deserved that, and wanted that. He actually felt like he wanted Gyro to take it out on him, dissolve what was left of that tension between them. But he goddamn knew it was his own self depreciation talking.

Johnny wrapped his arms around Gyro' shoulders, tried to kiss his mouth, but Gyro pushed back just enough to keep him from doing so. Johnny tried again, and Gyro pushed back again, playful, but Johnny clicked his tongue, frowning.

"Oh no you don't." Gyro groaned, his two hands now grabbing Johnny's hair to pull softly. "You've been an ass all day, and that was the cherry on top. So, I say… You don't get to be selfish tonight."

Johnny whimpered, hating how his body reacted to these words, to this gesture.
Mostly, his mind and heart needed to be close to Gyro, and he'd take anything Gyro was willing to give him.

So he let go of Gyro, his hands up, his lips pouting.

"Fine. Whatever you want." Johnny groaned, pliant.
Gyro bit his lower lip, and he pushed Johnny down on the mattress abruptly.
Johnny panted, and tried to sit up on his elbows but Gyro pinned him down again.

This was a game, to test Johnny's will to let go of his own desires. But it only made his desires grow, and grow, until his skin was left burning.

Gyro propped himself up on all four all over Johnny's frame.
He was so big, next to him. On top of him. Johnny wanted to touch him, but he got the message, he knew he wasn't allowed to.
And now…
What was Gyro going to do?

He was so beautiful, hair tied up, strands escaping his bun to caress his cheek and hang over Johnny. In a suit, Gyro' sex appeal was even more unbearable. He wanted to undress him, and to keep him clothed all at once.
And Gyro only was devouring Johnny with his hungry eyes. Johnny could feel his fingers digging in the mattress next to his head.

"The things I could do to you right now, Johnny…"

Johnny moaned in his throat, trying not to show how excited he was. It was still tense, even though the ambiance had changed, he could still feel that aggressive aura around Gyro.

"I should make you completely mine tonight. Should take what I want for once, be the selfish one, would you like that?" he hovered over Johnny, leaning in to let his nose brush against his, his lips almost grazing his, and Johnny tried to kiss him but Gyro pulled back just enough to deny him.

"Please…" Johnny whimpered, desperate. He wanted to touch Gyro, feel him, make sure he was there, make sure Gyro still wanted him.
Make sure he really loved him.

His eyes fluttered as Gyro's voice rang in his mind, 'I think I'm in love with you'.

"You'd like that, probably. Even if you still act like you don't want it. Ah, Johnny, I could make love to you, right here, right now." Gyro groaned, and tilted his head so his lips would barely graze Johnny's jaw.
Johnny was on fire. His whole body wanted to feel more. And Gyro's words were turning his mind into cotton, his body into a bundle of burning nerves.

"I could make love to you for hours, but I should use you instead."

Gyro grabbed Johnny's hips and manhandled him easily to roll him over on his stomach. Johnny gasped, and tried to raise up on his forearms but Gyro' strong hand grabbed his nape and pinned him face first against the pillow.
Johnny's body reacted before he could and his weak hips stuttered, making his hard cock rub just slightly against the mattress.
It made him groan with pleasure, but his brain was overwhelmed by too many emotions at once suddenly. The pleasure, the shame, the need, but also the fear.
"Wait, Gyro, I--"

"I wouldn't wait, you know? I'd take you, right here, right now, I'd fuck you Johnny, hard and good, and you'd have to take it, take everything I have." Gyro whispered right against his ear, and Johnny felt his eyes roll in his head.
The burning shame and the boiling arousal were almost too much, he was about to lose it, and he was completely thrown off by how scary it was to not be able to move, to be helpless, to be completely at Gyro's mercy.
Gyro could, he could do anything he was telling him, right now, and Johnny wouldn't be able to fight it.

(Of course, the barely functioning rational part of him whispered, he could fight it, could use his stand, could overthrow Gyro anytime. But did Johnny want to be rational right now?)

"No…" Johnny whined.
Gyro leaned in and nipped at the shell of his ear, before he whispered, "You're lying again. You're thinking about me fucking you and you want it. Your body is telling me your truth, Jojo."

Johnny closed his eyes tightly and gritted his teeth, trying to steel himself, but nothing did, his whole body was trembling and his hips were trying to move, to roll, to relieve. Gyro wasn't even touching him, just talking to him, messing with his brain, using only his words and that dirty mouth of his. It felt so good, but with how Gyro's fists were clenching around the sheets, Johnny knew he was close to act instead.

"I should use you for my own pleasure, fuck you silly until I get to come deep inside you. And you'd love every bit of it. Don't know if I'd let you come, don't know if i'd care." Gyro groaned against his ear, voice low and coarse. "But seeing how you get just from this, I'm sure you'd come the moment I push inside you."

It made Johnny's brain snap, the battle between shame and arousal ending in a crashing wave of excitement.
The pressure on his nape disappeared, the bed tilted slightly, before a sharp pain stung his ass - for the first time in forever - the loud and lewd noise of a slap echoing in the room.
It was perfectly timed, probably not intended, but it threw Johnny over the edge of his own state, pleasure running amok in his whole body.
He tensed, moaned, relaxed, head buried in the pillow. He could barely hear Gyro chuckling behind him. "Lord, you're unbelievable sometimes, Johnny boy."

Just as his mushy brain started making connections again, shame washed over him. He couldn't believe he just came from dirty words and a fucking spank on his ass.wasn't he scared, just a minute ago? His brain and body were seriously fucked up, he thought. Jesus didn't reconnect him right.
The bed creaked, and Johnny looked over his shoulder to see Gyro walk towards the door.

"Don't go…" He said, his voice nothing but a croak.

Gyro reached the door, but stopped to turn around.
"I'm not going because I don't want to be there. But I think a night apart is needed. I still need to think."
He turned around, but looked over his shoulder, adding, "Oh, and if I stay, I won't be able not to act on what I just said. Not when you're so… Sensitive and desperate."
His voice had dropped a few octaves, making Johnny shiver from head to almost toes.

Johnny wanted to answer, but he couldn't. The only words his mouth wanted to form were 'Stay' and 'Please'.
But Gyro was right, they needed more time to think, away from the distraction they were to each other.

"Good night, Johnny."

"'night, Gyro." Johnny managed, as the door was closing on the Italian.

He immediately sat up and hid his face in his hands.
What had happened?
He haphazardly groped behind him to grab his pillow and bring it to his face. He pressed it hard against his nose and mouth.
Overwhelmed, he yelled, unable to process what he should feel first.

The fear, of Gyro going away, constant.
The shame, because honestly what was that, fuck.
The hurt and sadness, of Gyro's true words, of how he broke Gyro's heart and trust.
The anger, towards Jesus, and anxiety, because being angry at Jesus was a sin, surely.

But also the love. Overwhelming, crushing even.
Was this new?
Love?
It felt familiar. Warm. Comforting.

Johnny let the pillow fall on his lap. He lowered his hands to look at his palms. They almost seemed foreign.

He looked around, at the big hotel room, and suddenly he felt extremely tired. His body was heavy.
He let himself fall on the mattress and curled up on himself after he wormed under the blankets, wincing at the wet and cold feeling between his legs.
Gross.

He'd have to take care of that tomorrow.