He was dying and she knew she could do nothing in her power to save him. Regrets flooded her brain and each one hurt, hurt like hell. She stood at the door, looking at him. He was staring at the window, probably unaware of her presence. A chaos was building up in her chest, and all of her organs constricted at once. Could she bear living knowing she took it all too casually? Why did she believe he would be fine? Why did her conscience not ask her to go after him first? 'Whys' and 'hows' crowded her brain and it was probably too much, too much to live with. Did it have to be this way? Did it have to?
She sacrificed him because she thought something else mattered more. She thought that would fulfil her. But boy, were all the assumptions wrong, so so wrong. Even if she gave up that now, he wouldn't be back. She couldn't see him smirk, look at her softly. She couldn't find the comfort she only found in him. And the thought of it was so terrifying that she felt it would have been better if she died, not him. And then again she was being selfish, pushing the pain towards him.
Loving him was so easy. The arrogant man was just an adorable nugget in reality with the vulnerabilities of a child. She hardly gave up on things that mattered but then she couldn't even recall why she gave up on him.
She finally entered the room, he looked at her direction instantly. Despite being overdosed on medicines, he still had his sly instincts.
She went up to his side as he followed her movements. She didn't realise she was crying. She choked when she tried to say something. He went, "shhhh...lets not talk about dying okay"
She nodded, she had to agree. "Come sit", he motioned to his side by the bed. She did as he told. Grabbed his hands which she knew would soon go cold. She needed to have a final taste of his warmth, the only one she ever relaxed in.
He was smiling. "You look like a grandma you know that", he joked. She couldn't help but smile. He always have had that power over her. Of making her smile.
"Let's play a game, shall we?" he suggested while reaching out with his hands to wipe her tears. "What game?" she asked. "Of our memories, who remembers it better" he answered. She nodded.
Then it began. A game of memories, a game of recalling at the time they had known each other, the dates they went on, anniversaries they forgot, vacations they enjoyed, songs they made love to, fights they.fought and how they made up to each other. She obviously had a better memory but she was letting him win knowing it very well that he was aware of the fact.
The laughed some but all along theirs hands were in each others. His gaze constantly at her despite the fact that he was loosing consciousness.
"Do you remember, the song that played, when we kissed on the dance floor, for the first time" he asked. "Mhmm" she replied. "What was it?"
"Take on me, the a-ha one", she replied.
He shifted in his bed a little and patted at his side asking her to lie down. She did not putting much pressure on his wounds. "I love you" he murmured. She looked up, his eyes were glinting, the tears were visible. " I love you too Neil and I wish..". "Shh, no time for regrets" he quietened her up.
" Could you song that song for me, take on me , the slow version?" he requested. She knew that she didn't have the time to debate that she wasn't good at it. So she sang slowly, with her head on his chest. The faint beating of his heart calmed her. The song ended. "Audrey" he said. She bent her neck to look at him. "You are all the things I've got to remember" he said, quoting the song, looking directly into her eyes. She kissed him them, a final hint of his taste, a fervent need and the desire of not letting go. Then they fell back into the silence and she slept is his arms, soaking in that warmth for one last time.
She woke up when the faint beating of his heart stopped and the machines beeped, voicing the end of his life. She looked up at his face one more time. Placed a kiss on his forehead. "You are all the things I've got to remember" she murmured.