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nighttime

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He was at their apartment. In their bed. Next to Kaede. Kaede who was the only person who would ever tolerate him. Kaede who screamed at him for every mistake he made. Kaede who only gave him what he deserved.

Haruki winced as he sat up. Sore inside. Sore outside. Kaede was sleeping. He was always sleeping when Haruki woke up because Haruki woke up from nightmares. He woke up scared, and he always woke up alone.

Something

inside him

snapped.

His mind was spinning, swimming in bloody pools so deep that he couldn't think of anything else. He was right there, sleeping. Even an explosion wouldn't wake him up. It wouldn't be hard to just smother him with a pillow, or strangle him. If he was quiet, he could even get a knife from the kitchen and stab him to death.

It'd probably feel good. It'd probably feel great to hurt him just as much as he'd hurt Haruki regularly. Who cared if he deserved what Kaede did or not? It hurt. He wanted to make him hurt.

 

What was wrong with him? How could he think about doing something like that to the only person who'd ever love him? He really was just as awful as Kaede said.
He was a monster. No one could ever love someone like him. He deserved nothing but pain. He didn't even deserve the love Kaede gave him.
He should just die, and save everyone the trouble of having to deal with him.

It'd be so much better for everyone if he just died.

                                                KILL HIM
                KILL YOURSELF
     KILL HIM                   KILL YOURSELF
                       KILL HIM                     KILL YOURSELF                KILL YOURSELF        KILL HIM          KILL HIM                KILL YOURSELF
        KILL HIM                    KILL YOURSELF                             KILL YOURSELF
      KILL HIM       KILL HIM     KILL YOURSELF
KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL HIM KILL YOURSELF

 

He was at his apartment. In his bed. Next to Akihiko. Akihiko who flailed in his sleep but would never let go of his hand. Akihiko who would grin from ear to ear whenever Haruki laughed. Akihiko who always asked if it was okay.
Akihiko.
Things felt a little better.

Akihiko didn't know the full extent of his lasting influence. Haruki decided he didn't need to. The man didn't need to know about his pain, not when he was helping to heal it just by holding him. Not if knowing might change how Akihiko treated him.