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How To Start A Revolution By Giving Your Daughter A Commoner Girlfriend

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Fucking royalty.

God, Miridiana hates those fuckers. Always getting up in her face, insinuating shit. One day, she's going to snap and plot a coup - NOT LIKE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT. Callin' her marriage to Luigi a goddamn farce and shit, who the fuck did the royals think they were? 

So anyway, they bring the... Eleventh... Prince??? Honestly, she couldn't care less about the royal family. They bring one of the royal brats to her home to 'begin making allies among the nobility' but it's like blatantly obvious that they want to marry the kid off to her darling Katarina. And that's like... Hah. NO?

But y'know, you can't just say no to the royal family. Because of course you can't, that would make life just so much fucking easier. So instead, when the royal family starts spouting shit about how Katarina totally accepted a proposal and they should sign the marriage documents right the hell now, Miridiana comes up with a CUNNING PLAN.

"Katarina," Miridiana said, already mentally gloating over her fucking amazing plan. "Is already engaged. She cannot accept another proposal."

The stupid royal brat looks GUTTED. That bitch of a queen looks GUTTED. That stupid oaf of a king looks GUTTED. They're all so stumped. Like, did they think Miridiana didn't have some goddamn way around that shit? Fucking losers!

So anyway, she's lying in bed that night when her sexy beast of a husband suddenly asks her what happens if the royals actually ask to see the person Katarina is engaged to. And SHIT, that is a problem, ain't it? Her daughter needs a proper engagement or her ruse is going to get discovered real fast... And if it is, Miridiana will be technically part of the royal family.

Fucking Gross. She Refuses That Fate.

SO. Next day, Miridiana starts tearing through every lawbook in the nation to try and find some bullshit answer out of this scenario. Shit is slow going and honestly she starts dying of boredom after like three hours so she assigns a dozen maids to start tearing through the books for her, because that is called delegation and it's a sign of good management.

She grabs Katarina and her goddamned hunk of a husband and piles them into a carriage. A picnic out in the countryside! It'll be grand! Fun! An excuse to get drunk!

What Actually Happens: Some shitkids are apparently using her favoured picnic site as a place to humiliate and hurt a young girl. Now Miridiana ain't what you'd call kind and heroic, but she's not made of fucking stone, and the kid is way too young for beatings. They're like. Nine. So Miridiana fucking tears ass out of that carriage and starts hurling stone spears because SHE DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Y'ALL SHITKIDS WANNA FUCK AROUND IN HER GODDAMN CAMPSITE?! NUH UH, BITCHES! THAT'S HOW CORPSES ARE MADE!

The shitkids clear out, thank god, but the girl is left alone, and the nearest village is like an hour away, so she's probably lost and scared... And FUCK, her goddamned motherly instincts are kicking up. MIRI BEAT THOSE INTO THE DUST YEARS AGO HOW DARE THEY FLARE UP AGAIN. And of course, the kid makes friends with Katarina near immediately, because... Well.

Honestly, at this point Katarina could make friends with a brick wall. Shit's a little unnerving, to be real with you.

But anyway, they get the kid into the carriage - her name is Maria Campbell, and she's pretty quiet, and dear fucking lord does she wish Katarina was more like that - and then head off to the nearby village to drop the girl off. The kid's mother starts freaking out, which. Understandable, honestly? If Miridiana was a commoner, she'd be freaked out too? But they chat for a while.

And then Miri hears a LOT of sexy words. Apparently the woman runs a bakery AND her daughter has some latent form of magic, and DING DING DING the bells are ringing in her head!

"I will pay you any amount of money you wish," Miridiana asks suddenly. "If you allow me to marry my daughter off to yours."

Mrs Campbell glances about. Probably Concerned About Life. "Um. Can I ask why?????"

"I want to spite royalty, and by extension, literally every other noble in the nation."

And apparently, that's equivalent to foreplay for commoners, because Cassandra Campbell signs the papers right away. So fast, it's like a lightning bolt. You'd swear her hands were on fire from how fast the woman moved. The papers are signed, Katarina is now engaged to a woman, and Miridiana can fucking chillax for a goddamned minute.

Anyways. Nobility sucks, because it means that even though you signed the papers according to law, it's still taboo to offer your future duchess of a daughter to a random commoner you met one day. So. Uh. Miri hires them. Both of them. As maids. LOOK DON'T JUDGE HER, IT'S HOW THE LAW WORKS, AND MIRI DOES A LOT OF THINGS TO RULES BUT BREAK 'EM? NO WAY. NUH UH. NEVER, MY DUDES.

But yeah, that was a thing. Her daughter was engaged to a damn maid. Shit was wack, but it was Controlled wack. The sort of wack you bought from a can, when you weren't sure that you wanted to have things go totally and out of control. Y'know? Miridiana loved that shit. Fucking sexy, almost... Damn, she wanted to go find her husband right now.

OF COURSE, REALITY HATES SMART PEOPLE. Not a fucking week after Maria and Katarina are engaged does her DILF of a husband come back, he's got a child with him. A cute child, but almost certainly a bastard child. Miridiana does her level best to react with Grace and Resolve.

She gets drunk. She gets so fucking drunk. It's really sad. She basically spends a day sobbing on the floor of her private bathroom with a bottle of wine, wailing her heart out. She plans to go for day 2 but her private maid basically kicked her shit in, and that's almost literal. This was necessary, because apparently the household is in a civil fucking war.

Most of the maids are siding with Miridiana, which. Thank FUCK. Some of the servants are siding with her currently very unsexy husband, because they think Miri is over-reacting??? Like. HELLO? BITCH? WHERE YOU BRAIN AT? And some of the servants - the ones that've worked for the family since Katarina was born - are just very Tired and aren't supporting anyone in particular. Well. TIME TO GO RALLY THE TROOPS.

Shit's wild. They're almost about to launch a fucking battle when Katarina storms across the enemy lines, physically picks up the bastard child, and then hauls ass out of there. "HE'S MY LITTLE BROTHER NOW! Y'ALL CAN'T TAKE HIM FROM ME! I WILL DESTROY ALL OF Y'ALL IF YOU TRY!"

Sometimes Miri wonders where that fucking child gets this shit from, she swears to god.

Anyways shit eventually gets cleared up, and Miridiana gets to make sure that her stud of a husband is punished for not telling her what the fuck was happening sooner. She also makes sure the children are out of the house before she punishes her husband, though. No need to traumatize them.

Somehow, over the course of the next... God. Two months? Fucking hell, man... Her disaster child somehow manages to seduce both the Hunt girl and the daughter of the Ascarts. And because neither of the brats wants to give up on the girl who is HAPPILY ENGAGED to her maid, Miri had to figure out how to either marry the girls off or somehow get her daughter engaged to two more women.

She ponders to herself: Would her daughter be happy with three wives? She asks. Katarina gives a vague as fuck answer and just sorta rambles about having friends. Well, being married is LIKE having friends, so she thinks Katarina would be happy. ALRIGHT. TIME TO GIVE HER DAUGHTER A GODDAMN HAREM.

So through some more legal fuckwittery, she discovers her endgoal - get her daughter Knighted, because due to some real poorly worded horseshit, a Knight is allowed to have mistresses. Of course, that law dates back to some fuckoff moron time period where women weren't allowed to do jack or shit, so they never put a patch on it to prevent people like Miri from abusing it.

To be fair, ain't nobody ever gonna expect a wild bitch like Miridiana Fucking Claes. 

Anyways shit is going fine. The wedding is planned for the moment Katarina graduates because fuck the royal family and their scheming, and the Campbells are fucking GODSENDS who understand that Shit Costs Money and they've saved her so much fucking cash... When for some fucking reason Anne comes up to her and is like "Yo. That new kid be tryin' to insult me with burned pastries fo' some reason. Could y'all help me out with this shit?"

And god fucking damn it, there had to be SOMETHING GOING WRONG, DIDN'T THERE? Miri goes and investigates, because apparently solving issues is like the number one fucking thing in the world that she does. Who the fuck even knows why at this point.

But holy shit. Holy shit? She's so fucking glad that she did look into it? That shit is CUTE AS FUCK. That shit is SO TOTES ADORBS, SHE CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT. FOR REALZIES. Apparently Cassandra Campbell has been quietly crushing on Anne since the day she got here? And apparently that shit is MUTUALLY UNREQUITED?! It's fucking hysterical. Oh my god. Miri has like six extra glasses of wine that night just to enhance this moment.

Now there's this long fucking moment where Miri tries to figure out how to make that 'un' part of 'unrequited' go away. She hates 'un' in words. Hates it. Get that shit outta here. Fuck it. You use that syllable in a sentence? Congrats, you're dead to her. DEAD. Is not big surprise. But god, for the life of her she can't figure out how to make it work.

Then she finds out that there's some kind of secondary miracle worker in Sorcier doing the impossible, because somehow a literal day before the royal family tries to engage their son to Keith - because they want a tie to Miri's family somehow, like who the fuck wouldn't - when the documents for a marriage between Keith Claes and somebody by the name of Raphael Walt appears in her fucking study.

Katarina whistles innocently the entire time. She fucking WHISTLES INNOCENTLY. God, Miri loves her shithead daughter.

So she lets slip that Anne may have a hugeass gay crush on somebody within like a billion miles of her daughter, and the next day Anne is kidnapped by said daughter and her collection of spouses. Shit's hilarious. According to the servant gossip rings, the Campbell girl was threatening to serve nothing but shitty donuts if Anne didn't fess the fuck up. That's even more hilarious.

What truly makes Miri lose her shit though is Katarina physically locking Cassandra and Anne in a room together, and threatening to leave them in there forever if they don't fess the fuck up. They apparently do because the next day both of them have these real suspicious grins on their faces that take a metric fuckload of work to pull off. She guesses there's gonna be another wedding in the future.

This shit will technically mean that Anne is a step-sister via being married to Cassandra who is mother to Maria who is marrying Katarina, AND NOW THAT ANNE IS LEGALLY PART OF THE FAMILY MIRI HAS ALL THE FUCKING REASONS IN THE WORLD TO GO MURDER THE SHELLY HOUSEHOLD!

And hey, since her daughter is taking on the Hunt and Ascart girls as mistresses, she technically has authority over those households as well... Plenty of fucking authority to kickstart a revolution against the goddamn royals. Man, this was turning out GREAT, huh?

It all comes full circle! She started this chaos to spite royalty, and now she has an excuse to destroy royalty forever! Life was so fucking great! Maybe it was time to have another child with her beefcake of a husband, just to see how much chaos that shit would start!

Ah man, she couldn't wait!