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This Whole Conversation Probably Could Have Been Avoided If We Knew Midnight Would Be Their Teacher in the Future, AKA Tales Of Horror: Compiled by the Parents of Prospective Class 1-A Students

Chapter Text

"Hey, could you come in here?" Miirisuke Mineta, Minoru's father, called out to his son. Anxiously, he bounced his knee, trying to focus on the morning newspaper. Perhaps it was the nervousness, but the words from the news article stopped looking real, and he found himself reading the same passages over and over again. Above the brim of his paper, he spotted Minoru’s small face poke in through the doorway of the living room. 

"Sure, Dad, what's up?" Minoru greeted.

"Is now a good time to talk? I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" 

"No, I just finished reviewing some assignments for school tomorrow. No biggie," Minoru assured.

"Good," Miirisuke said. The tense, awkward air was palpable, but he hoped Minoru didn't notice. 

"Am I in trouble?" the young boy asked with concern.

"No, no, of course not, but maybe you should take a seat?" Miirisuke suggested. He folded the newspaper and placed it on the table in front of him. He would need all of his concentration for this. After contemplating how to word his next thought, he (unfortunately) settled with: “I think it's about time that we talk about your balls."

"My...balls?" Minoru stammered. He raised a confused eyebrow.

"One thing you’ll notice is that your balls are gonna get bigger. And if you don’t maintain them, they’re going to get sticky and gross. So you better make sure you clean them thoroughly, okay?” 

“I’m already using shampoo and conditioner on my hair on a regular basis, so isn't that good enough?” his son asked innocently enough. His response drew a smile; It was hard not to find it at least a little bit endearing. At that moment, Minoru's father wondered why he originally dreaded this conversation in the first place. After all, his son was like any other child his age. As the adult in the conversation, it was his job to lead the conversation in an informative manner, while avoiding coming off as condescending.

“Well, that’s good. You should keep at that. Hair care is important, especially with your quirk. Though,” he paused, releasing a chuckle, “those aren’t the kind of balls I’m referring to.”

“Oh, so you were actually talking about testicles?” 

“Wait, wha--” Miirisuke said, clearly taken aback. This isn’t how he expected the conversation to go.

"Yeah, it's cool that you wanted to give me The Talk ,” Minoru said, gesturing with finger-quotes, “but you’re a little too late. I already know all about that stuff.”

Oh.

“Right. You’re about ten, aren’t you? That means that means they given you a proper sex education in school? I knew the education system wouldn't fail me--"

It was Minoru’s turn to laugh. When he regained his composure, he said, “Nothing like that. They say that might talk to us about it later in the year, probably."

“Oh yeah?” If that was the case, he at least needed to make sure Minoru's information was accurate. “How about you tell me what you know? ”

“I mean, it's not much," Minoru said humbly. "I’ve done a bit of research of my own, mostly thanks to online videos and magazines--”

Oh no.  

“First the man has a %$#& and the woman has a @%^$. The @#%# goes in the *$&#%@ or the @$+-#, and he #^@#%@ the @#@^ out of the &#@$. Sometimes, he pulls out his &*#$ and *#$&@ on her $*&!. In other cases, he &@*# the $*#&@ for a really long time, but too much of that or &#@#^% and it becomes a slipping hazard that can land you in the emergency room. There’s all sorts of ways to *%&@# too, apparently! If the girl *$@( her @#*%^, the guy can help by &@^! Her ^*$&#$ and taking his *$@&@# and @#*&$ in her !@^$.”

Miirisuke's head was spinning. His son was spewing terms and phrases he had never heard before. Google would be his friend later, but with how gruesome some of this was sounding, perhaps he was better off not knowing.

Minoru led the rest of the conversation, and all Miirisuke could do was listen in horror, with his face in his palms, only left to wonder where he exactly failed as a parent.