Yoo Jonghyuk opens his eyes.
His chest is warm but his fingers are cold. He remembers his name, he remembers the subway, he remembers killing the passengers, and he remembers that he's at the End of The World.
Rubbles, ruins, monstrous beasts, constellations, and cold bodies on the ground. His regression.
Jonghyuk blinks. He tries to recall the rest of his memories. Something good. Something worth fighting for. Nothing comes to mind. Nothing.
No. There must be something at least. Something that pushes him to keep moving onward. Something that makes it bearable to keep dying for.
There must be something.
He can't even remember the faces and names of people from previous regressions.
Did I regress again? No. He's not in the subway. He looks around and sees that he's in a white, cozy room. Barren of ominous danger. The wind drifts softly from the windows.
Jonghyuk narrows his eyes. Suspicious. He's never safe.
The door is pushed open. Someone enters the room.
"Oh, you're awake," a feminine voice gently says.
Jonghyuk quickly sits up on the bed, the throbbing in his head doesn't faze him. He observes the woman. Unfamiliar voice with an even unfamiliar face.
She smiles at him. "You had been unconscious for two days. How do you feel? Everyone's been so worried about you. Especially-" she stops, noticing the way he's sharply scrutinizing her.
As if he's trying to decide whether she's a threat or a liability.
"Is something wrong?" she asks carefully.
Yoo Jonghyuk's eyes are cold when he says the next words.
"Who are you?"
She blinks. And blinks. And then she spares him a sympathetic glance. "Oh. So it is true."
The constellations are silent.
Her name is Lee Seolhwa and she tells Yoo Jonghyuk he has amnesia.
Great. Nothing serious then. Nothing that can hinder him from fighting and killing. His body remembers how to swing his sword, which strangely, he remembers having it.
She doesn't let him leave the room regardless of his assurances that he feels completely fine.
Yet, despite him having little to no memories of her, he feels compelled to listen to her request, at least. Just this once.
There's something tender about her. A fondness of some sort.
She says physically he's fine. Mentally, a certain part of him has been cracked - his memories to be exact. She says he's failed a sub scenario. The consequence of failing the scenario is brief amnesia for a week.
She also informs him that a few hours before his memory loss, he's given this information only to Lee Seolhwa and has somehow managed to convince her to keep it a secret.
Still, he wonders why the request. Why only her?
"Because you didn't want to worry anyone," she offers kindly like she knows what he's thinking.
He doesn't ask her to elaborate.
But him? Failed a sub scenario? Impossible.
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is concerned for you]
What? No. He knows how constellations are even though he can't remember them vividly
He remembers the constellations being callous and ruthless.
[The constellation 'Secretive Plotter' is amused]
[The constellation 'Abyssal Black Flame Dragon' is enjoying this turn of events]
Ah, yes. There it is.
"Urm," Lee Seolhwa says awkwardly.
The door is pushed open again. This time a group of people enters the already small room. He glares at them. They stop.
One of the women in the group hums, a contemplative look in her eyes. "Hmm, his glare is the same as usual but there's something… lacking."
"Han Sooyoung, please do not joke about this."
"I'm just saying, Yoo Sangah."
Yoo Sangah. A woman with another pair of gentle eyes and a warm presence. Han Sooyoung. A woman with a witch-like grin.
He can kill both of them easily.
"Is he… okay?" a man asks. There are refined muscles under his attire. Unsure eyes and a faint voice. Another woman at his side, just watching him quietly with a curious stare. She's strong. In spirit, soul, and body.
He might struggle a bit but he can kill them both, too.
"Master! Master, how are you? How do you feel?" a young girl pushes past the adults. She's young but her talents spark like cinders from her skin. She stands at his bedside instantly.
This one he can kill just as easily as well. She hasn't realized her full potential yet.
The problem is his heart feels heavy every time he thinks about hurting all these people mindlessly crowding the room.
A bit of familiarity here and there. That's it.
"Do you remember them?" Lee Seolhwa asks. The rest gives him a surprised glance.
"He can't… remember?" Yoo Sangah's voice is forlorn when she drops the question.
Lee Seolhwa smiles sadly at them. "No, unfortunately."
Han Sooyoung creeps forward. "I'm Han Sooyoung and I'm the mistress you serve." She grins.
Right. "I'd rather die than to serve you," he answers blandly.
Yoo Sangah gives her a disappointed look and Han Sooyoung quietly withers under her gaze.
"How about her? You remember Lee Jihye," Lee Seolhwa tries by pointing at the young girl. Lee Jihye perks up, waiting.
Yoo Jonghyuk shakes his head. "No," he answers. Lee Jihye's shoulders slump.
"How about him?" she points to the other man. "Lee Hyunsung. Do you remember him? Or Jung Heewon?"
He says no again. Coldly this time. He's getting annoyed by these questions. They serve no purpose and he's wasting time doing nothing but resting.
"Kim Dokja won't like this. He works his ass off trying to keep this man alive and intact," Han Sooyoung huffs.
"He's alive," Lee Hyunsung supplies.
"But without his memory intact," Jung Heewon interjects.
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is close to weeping]
[The constellation 'Prisoner of the Golden Headband' wants to throw a tissue at the constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire']
Yoo Jonghyuk ignores the constellations.
Kim Dokja. Warmth kisses his skin at the mention of that name. He can't remember the face nor the voice but the gentleness he feels towards that name alone is enough to make him ponder.
Kim Dokja. Kim Dokja. "Kim Dokja," he murmurs, tasting the name on his tongue. Jonghyuk lets out a small smile without realizing it.
He runs his fingers across his lips. As if he can feel the name sticking to his tongue, to his mouth. A tender whisper on his throat.
Kim Dokja. "Kim Dokja," he says again.
He doesn't notice the many eyes upon him.
Again, the door is harshly pushed open.
This time a man in a white coat quickly trudges towards the middle of the room, giving Jonghyuk a long calculated look. Then he looks at Lee Seolhwa. "What's wrong with him?"
"Amnesia," she replies. "He'll be back to normal in a week. Don't worry too much."
"Oh," the man says weakly.
Yoo Jonghyuk opens his mouth. "Kim Dokja," he calls out softly.
Yes. This must be him. There's no denying it. Yoo Jonghyuk does not need further explanation. He knows Kim Dokja's role in this regression.
Everyone instantly looks at him, bemused.
"You remember me?"
"You remember him?"
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja ask at the same time.
Yoo Jonghyuk rolls his eyes. "No. But I know what he is to me."
Kim Dokja looks confused by his bold declaration.
"Oh… what is he then to you?" Lee Hyunsung prods carefully.
Yoo Jonghyuk's patience is wearing thin. He glares at everyone but Kim Dokja. "My husband."
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is having a seizure]
The little girl says her name is Yoo Mia and she's his sister. He believes her. There's no memory of her but the moment she smiles at him, he just knows.
Just like how he knows Kim Dokja is his.
His husband and his little sister.
Yoo Jonghyuk is already more than blessed in this regression. This is his third regression, Kim Dokja tells him.
They sit at the campfire. Mia is at his side as she prattles on aimlessly, just happy to be by his side. He shares the sentiment.
Jonghyuk looks to his right, raising a brow. Kim Dokja is shifting uncomfortably on the ground, sitting close to Jonghyuk. His eyes are everywhere but on Yoo Jonghyuk.
"What is it?" His voice is soft as he speaks to his husband. Oddly, Kim Dokja is skittish around him. Kim Dokja is acting like a trapped mouse.
Yoo Jonghyuk doesn't like what he's witnessing.
Kim Dokja's tone is unsure whenever he speaks to him. The way he refuses to look at Jonghyuk in the eye. And the way he's so very wary to be close to Yoo Jonghyuk.
He's scared. That must be the only reason.
Is he… is he a terrible husband to Kim Dokja? Did I hurt him before? Was I cruel to him?
Yoo Jonghyuk feels the poison in his chest as the thought swirling in his mind.
He looks at Kim Dokja again. The man is close to him but there's still a gap between them and Jonghyuk abhors it.
Kim Dokja's place is by his side.
So Yoo Jonghyuk puts his arm around Kim Dokja's waist - the man gasps a bit in surprise - and pulls him closer. Gently. Mindfully. Until there's no space between them. Until Yoo Jonghyuk is sure Kim Dokja can feel the heat from his skin.
He leans closer and kisses the top of his husband's head. Yoo Jonghyuk swears he will never hurt this man.
When he shifts a bit to look at Kim Dokja in the face, his soft smile falters at the absolute soul-crushing look on his husband's face.
"What's wrong?" Jonghyuk asks. His voice is hushed. A wisp among the wind. He brushes the dark hair from Kim Dokja's forehead and tucks them to the side.
Jonghyuk finds Dokja's eyes and he smiles at the smaller man. It's like he's found a speck of hidden cosmic dust. Glitters of gold. A treasure. Insurmountable treasure. Kim Dokja.
"Don't hide from me," Jonghyuk mutters. "Tell me what's wrong."
Kim Dokja hesitates. He looks away. "We're not-... Jonghyuk, you don't do this kind of thing. At least, not for me." Kim Dokja chuckles. There's no mirth in his voice. "Besides, when you remember everything, you'll hate me again."
No. Never. He can feel Mia's eyes on him, watching him quietly.
"Impossible," Jonghyuk answers easily.
Kim Dokja blinks. He gives him a tiny grin. The wariness is still there. "How can you be so sure?"
Jonghyuk just shrugs. "Because the first time I saw you in that room, I know nothing in this universe could be worth the cost of your life."
"The next main scenario will start in two more weeks."
"Sure," Jonghyuk answers. He kisses Kim Dokja's cheek while polishing his sword.
Kim Dokja yelps. There's a tiny cloud hovering close to his husband. Kim Dokja's smile is huge and sincere.
Yoo Jonghyuk is a bit jealous.
"Biyoo," Kim Dokja says sweetly.
"Baat!" The tiny cloud says.
Jonghyuk blinks at it. A baby dokkaebi. Huh. If that makes Kim Dokja happy, he won't question it.
"Why is it here?" he questions.
The tiny cloud gives him a look. "Baat!" it says.
All right then.
Kim Dokja smiles at him. "This is my daughter, Biyoo."
"Oh," Jonghyuk says, "Our daughter, you mean."
"What? No! Mine," Kim Dokja claims, aghast.
"Ours," Jonghyuk counters.
Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosoung won't stop glaring at him. Pesky little brats.
Unfortunately, Kim Dokja has adopted these children. Neutralizing them is out of the question. Lest Jonghyuk makes his husband miserable.
He feels a kick to his ankle. Jonghyuk looks down to see Gilyoung sending him another cold glare. Yoosoung is behind him, mimicking her friend’s fury.
"You hurt him again, I'll feed you to my bugs. Slowly and painfully, from inside out until all of them fill your bones," he warns.
Shin Yoosoung says nothing but he doesn't doubt the devilish little girl also shares Lee Gilyoung's disdain.
Kim Dokja has a lot of people that truly adore him. People that will go to hell and back for him. That says enough about what kind of man his husband is.
Jonghyuk feels warm by the revelation.
This time, it's Yoosoung that kicks his leg. Jonghyuk tsks. "I understand. Now go away."
Both of them snarl at him. Snarl. They turn around and skip away together.
Yoo Jonghyuk hates to admit it but that is quite heartwarming. He approves of having them as his adoptive kids, as well.
"I'm kind of a constellation, by the way."
"...you're not mad?"
"Trivial thing to be angry at. You're my husband. You could be a tiny octopus and I'd still want you."
"I need to tell him the truth."
"No, Lee Seolhwa said not to say anything. There might be side effects. Might be not. She doesn't want to take the risks."
"He thinks we're-...!" Kim Dokja whispers the muffled words. Too low to be heard by anyone but him and Jung Heewon.
"So? You've always wanted to sit on his dick anyway. I don't see what's the problem."
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is agreeing with incarnation Jung Heewon]
[The constellation 'Secretive Plotter' has sponsored 69 coins to incarnation Kim Dokja]
Kim Dokja makes a high-pitched sound while Jung Heewon sighs.
Jonghyuk frowns. He enters the kitchen. It's morning. Some are out hunting. Some are out watching the perimeters. Some are out for the sake of enjoying the air.
Yoo Jonghyuk just wants to find his husband.
Both pairs of eyes land on him as soon as he's in the kitchen. Jung Heewon glances at him before she wordlessly leaves.
Kim Dokja watches her go helplessly.
They're close friends then.
She passes by him quietly but not before giving him a warning look.
Yoo Jonghyuk almost smirks.
Everyone cares deeply for Kim Dokja. Good, it means more people that are willing to die to keep Kim Dokja safe. He doesn't need to worry about them stabbing his husband in the back.
He turns to the shorter d and gives Kim Dokja a fond look. "You're hungry? I can prepare breakfast."
Kim Dokja stares at him. "You remember how to cook?"
"I suppose. I can prepare whatever you want," Jonghyuk assures. Now that he thinks about it, this is the first time he offers to cook for his husband. At least, this amnesiac version of him.
His Kim Dokja is quiet for a moment. Finally, he answers. Albeit, tentatively. "Kimchi fried rice. If that's okay with you?"
Yoo Jonghyuk thinks about the necessary ingredients.
Dokja goes to gather all the ingredients without being told to. It's like he can read his mind. A childish notion
Perhaps Kim Dokja is simply used to this routine. Jonghyuk mourns for the cherished memories he's forgotten about his husband.
Most of all, Yoo Jonghyuk mourns the fact that he doesn't remember their wedding day. He's tried to but he can't seem to remember. It feels like the memory isn't even there to begin with.
Kim Dokja must have looked ethereal during their wedding. Ephemeral beauty.
They must have made a lot of beautiful memories together in this fragile world. It's impossible not to with Kim Dokja as his husband.
Yoo Jonghyuk steals a glance at his beloved only to notice the other's face is red. From the heat maybe?
Kim Dokja returns to his side, putting all the ingredients on the counter. "The rice will be done soon. Why don't we prepare everything else first while we wait?" he asks.
Yoo Jonghyuk doesn't answer his husband. Instead, he grabs both of Kim Dokja's hands and spins him under his arm. Dokja makes a startling sound.
"Dancing, Kim Dokja. Do you know it?" he teases the smaller man. Kim Dokja's face reddens prettily again.
"Of course, I know it," he retaliates, offended.
Jonghyuk's smile reaches his eyes. He puts his husband's hand on his hip and the other one atop his shoulder. Kim Dokja gapes at him and Jonghyuk uses the opportunity to peck his husband's nose.
They move, swaying lazily. No music to accompany them but they move, regardless, and they move together. Two sides of the same coin.
The wind blows. For a moment, there is peace right here, in-between them.
Kim Dokja steps on his feet. Once. Twice. Thrice. Jonghyuk grins at his husband. Kim Dokja knows what dancing is but he can't dance to save his life. It's endearing to Yoo Jonghyuk.
"You can't even twirl?"
"I can. I'm purposely being bad at it because you annoy me so much."
"It's true," Kim Dokja snaps.
Jonghyuk's lips might hurt from all the smiling.
They dance some more. Time passes. Kim Dokja takes it as a challenge to step on Jonghyuk's feet as many times as he can.
His husband is so precious.
"I've never done this before," Kim Dokja says eventually.
"Dancing with me?"
"Dancing with anyone," Kim Dokja answers.
Jonghyuk hums. He brings Kim Dokja closer to him. Chest to chest.
"Not even with someone you love? Maybe when you were a kid. With your mom. Or your childhood friend," Jonghyuk questions. He wants to know more. Greedy for even the tiniest story of Kim Dokja's life before all of this.
Kim Dokja looks at Yoo Jonghyuk for a few seconds too long, contemplating whether he should be truthful. "No. Not really. Love is a strange thing to me. It always feels like something I can't carry."
"Ah," is all Jonghyuk gives to him. He understands. He understands.
They spin and sway, Jonghyuk grins at Kim Dokja whenever he stumbles and the other man only glares mildly at him.
Kim Dokja complains sometimes and Yoo Jonghyuk earnestly listens to him because everything his husband says, it steals Yoo Jonghyuk's breaths away.
"Hey, what was the sub scenario?"
"The one that made you suffer memory loss."
Jonghyuk spares Sooyoung a glance. "Not sure. I don't remember."
And that's the truth. Lee Seolhwa only knows the aftermath of failing to finish the scenario. Nothing more.
Kim Dokja passes by them and Yoo Jonghyuk lets out a small smile. His chest swells.
"Oh. You have it bad," Han Sooyoung says.
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is crying happily that incarnation Kim Dokja is not a eunuch]
[The constellation 'Secretive Plotter' has sponsored 69 coins]
[The constellation 'Abyssal Black Flame Dragon' has sponsored 69 coins]
[The constellation 'Prisoner of the Golden Headband' has sponsored 69 coins]
What the hell is wrong with them? Jonghyuk cranes his neck towards the heavens. He draws his sleeping husband closer to his chest.
Kim Dokja is finally no longer embarrassed to be held by Jonghyuk in his sleep. He's not going to let the constellations ruin this cherished moment.
"Good evening," Lee Hyunsung says softly. Jonghyuk only nods at him.
He's cleaning his sword. The monster he's just killed is weak but a kill is still a kill.
He feels the other man staring. Jonghyuk returns the searching look. "What is it?"
"Oh, sorry," Hyunsung apologizes sheepishly, "You look happier."
Jonghyuk's brows furrow. "Was I not before?"
Hyunsung wonders about it for a moment. "No. I suppose not."
Hmm. "But I have Kim Dokja before, too," he claims. Like it's enough as a certainty to make him happy.
Hyunsung tilts his head, wondering again. "True. But both of you didn't always agree with one another."
Yoo Jonghyuk is quiet for a moment. His sword is forgotten. "Was I horrible to him?"
Lee Hyunsung laughs. "Oh, I thought it was foreplay for sure at first. The choking? The arguments? You two gravitated towards each other. Still do. But no. You weren't always lenient to him."
So it's true then. I was a terrible husband to him. No wonder Kim Dokja always looks surprised whenever Yoo Jonghyuk is being devoted or affectionate to him.
For a man that's hurt him in the past, of course, it's a strange thing to have Jonghyuk being dedicated to him now.
Lee Hyunsung puts a hand on Jonghyuk's shoulder and squeezes, as an act of comfort, before he pulls it away. He smiles at him.
"It's okay. I think you understand that when it comes to Kim Dokja, it's the things he doesn't say that is always the loudest."
"You'll remember everything tomorrow," Kim Dokja says. He smiles but the smile is empty.
"Yes? I will." Jonghyuk arches a brow. He doesn't know where this conversation is heading. He'll remember and that's that. The main scenario will start next week. They'll keep going forward. Stay alive. Protect each other. Reach the end together.
As he's sure they always do.
They're in Jonghyuk's room. Away from prying eyes. Honestly, it's peculiar that they have separate rooms since they're married. Still, he manages to persuade Kim Dokja to sleep in his room every night.
They should be sleeping together from here on.
Jonghyuk is still pondering when Kim Dokja says the next words.
"Hmm?" he stands up from the bed, trudges towards his husband, and takes Kim Dokja's hands in his. He kisses Kim Dokja's forehead.
Again, Kim Dokja gives him a soul-crushing look.
"Yoo Jonghyuk," he repeats. "Listen."
Yoo Jonghyuk is always listening.
"We're not together. We're not married. There is no we," Kim Dokja confesses. His voice doesn't waver.
Yoo Jonghyuk blinks. Ridiculous. They're together. They're married. Yoo Jonghyuk only needs to take one look at Kim Dokja and he's completely sure there's no universe out there in which Yoo Jonghyuk is not in love with Kim Dokja.
"Yes, you persistent sunfish bastard. You're not in love with me. You never were. Why would you be in love with me of all people? It's probably the damned scenario that made you a fool like this."
"And? Where's the evidence?" Jonghyuk asks as if he's merely asking about the weather. This talk is unnecessary. He doesn't understand why Kim Dokja insists on it. "Where's your proof that I'm not in love with you?"
Kim Dokja opens his mouth. Then he closes it. His face scrunches. He tries to pull his hands away but Jonghyuk's hold is steadfast.
"I mean. It's. Well. It's you. You're Yoo Jonghyuk. That's not who you are," Kim Dokja is adorably glaring at him now.
Jonghyuk just wants to kiss his Kim Dokja's nose.
"And who am I, Kim Dokja?"
"The- the Main Star! The Hero. The Regressor. The teacher. The leader. The warrior-"
"-and your husband."
"Yes, and my husband- what? No!" Kim Dokja pries his hands away harshly and moves to smack Jonghyuk - probably in the head - but he's swifter so he catches his husband's wrists easily.
"Kim Dokja, you're a ridiculous man. Enough of this and let me properly kiss you for once."
Kim Dokja's mouth twists downward. He hesitantly speaks in such a low tone, "I love you, Jonghyuk. I'm sorry."
Jonghyuk is surprised by the sudden proclamation. However, he makes sure it doesn't show on his face. It’s only normal for Kim Dokja to be in love with him. They're husbands. Husbands.
There's nothing odd about Kim Dokja professing his love for Jonghyuk.
"What are you sorry for?" Jonghyuk asks softly. He releases his husband's wrists and tugs him closer and closer and closer until he can hear the thump of Kim Dokja's heart.
"I'm just me," Kim Dokja whispers. "It's not enough. I'm sorry," he whispers once more. Words spilling from his throat, undulating ceaselessly. He wonders if Kim Dokja is not used to speaking all these words living inside him.
Yoo Jonghyuk smiles slowly. He rests one hand on Kim Dokja's waist. "What's there to be enough about, Kim Dokja?"
He realizes that the problem with Kim Dokja is that he doesn't know how loved he is.
It makes Jonghyuk want to be gentler with him. Gentler than before.
Gentleness is a foreign concept to him. He's gentle to Yoo Mia and it's such a gift for him to be able to be gentle to another person. And he loves every second of it.
Yoo Jonghyuk grabs Kim Dokja's hands and kisses his knuckles. Then Jonghyuk kisses his husband’s cheek, his nose, and his forehead. His breath touches his husband's skin and the shorter man shivers a bit.
The secret of Kim Dokja is in his eyes. In his lips. In between his fingers. In his voice. Yoo Jonghyuk slots their fingers together. The secret of Kim Dokja is that he's part of the stars and stars make Yoo Jonghyuk dream.
Kim Dokja only stares at him. "You'll hate me tomorrow."
"Nonsense. I'll just kiss you tomorrow again. You think too much of this."
Kim Dokja says nothing else.
Yoo Jonghyuk puts his husband's in his pocket and they walk away together side by side.
They have tomorrow to wait.
Tomorrow comes. Kim Dokja is not in his bed.
Yoo Jonghyuk remembers everything.
He is beyond furious.
He searches for Kim Dokja. He finds him with his kids.
Kim Dokja looks up and panics. Jonghyuk spots Lee Hyunsung coming towards them from the corner of his eyes, probably trying to dissuade the situation from escalating.
"See? I knew you'd be furious!" Kim Dokja exclaims loudly.
"I am furious, you fool. We're not married," Yoo Jonghyuk hisses.
Kim Dokja blinks stupidly at him. His children just pout at Jonghyuk. Lee Hyunsung stops, observing.
"Come quickly, we're getting married. You, Lee Jihye, close your mouth and find Yoo Sangah. She's officiating our wedding," he orders his student.
"Y-yes, master!" Lee Jihye runs towards the exit.
Yoo Jonghyuk kisses Kim Dokja.
Han Sooyoung watches them. "Damn those dramatic fools really deserve each other, huh?"
Jung Heewon only groans. "It's too early for this."
[The constellation 'Demon-like Judge of Fire' is combusting]
Yoo Sangah finds them but the sight of Kim Dokja sitting in Yoo Jonghyuk's lap, arguing about where the wedding should be held must have been an unusual sight for her.
No matter. Yoo Jonghyuk has Kim Dokja in his arms now. He's not letting him go anytime soon.
Kim Dokja's signature grin curls on the corner of his lips and he leans down to kiss Yoo Jonghyuk until innumerable joy spills from his chest and makes him full.
[Sub Scenario - A Fleeting Chance
Clear Conditions: Earn your heart's greatest desire
Time Limit: 12 Hours
Failure: A cracked memory
"What?" Jonghyuk doesn't remember having had to deal with this kind of scenario before in his previous regressions.
[The constellation 'Secretive Plotter' wants the incarnation Yoo Jonghyuk to fulfill his wish]
Jonghyuk exhales loudly. Heart's greatest desire. He closes his eyes and rests his face on his hands.
Heart's greatest desire.
He's bound to fail this. Yoo Jonghyuk's heart's greatest desire is something that's out of his reach.
He can never have it.
Something so radiant and precious cannot be his.