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Shred Of Doubt

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Virgil blinked hazily at his ceiling, his chest cold despite the hundred degree weather outside. Tears poured down his face and his hands shivered with the need to move up. God, he was just so tired .

 

He'd been planning for so long how to properly give up. Pre-typed letters and messages in his notes, only needing a quick copy and paste before he would turn off his phone and… well that's the thing, he couldn't decide what to do next. He had so many things that would work. A knife, some bleach, medications, a toaster- though that idea just made him laugh. He could do anything, anytime. 

 

It made him curious. Would anyone notice if he were gone? So he tested that theory. It was a hard no- well unless they wanted something, then whoever messaged him would keep persisting. Would anyone care if he stopped caring? He tested that too. Another no. Would anyone even give a shit if he died? …

 

He hadn't tested that one.

 

It scared Virgil. Would anyone care if he died? Most signs pointed to no, but there was always that shred of doubt that followed him. That shred of doubt being his laptop. Speaking of…

 

Ding !

 

Virgil sighed a bit and sat up, swinging his legs over his bed and reaching over to pull his laptop onto his lap. He typed in his password and yawned quietly, clicking into discord, smiling slightly at the familiar profile picture of Danny Devito.



TrashMan

 

yo are you awake



JDelightful

 

yeah



TrashMan

 

you good man

 

you sound kinda down



JDelightful

 

bro

 

how the fuck did you get that vibe from that

 

i mean you’re not wrong

 

but h o w




TrashMan

 

im just that good ;)

 

but really are you okay

 

you wanna talk




JDelightful

 

yeah i uh

 

yeah 

 

meet me in the server




TrashMan

 

k



Virgil clicked into their server and went to a channel, putting on his headphones and unmuting his mic while waiting for Remus to join. The little chime of a new user joining made him take a sharp breath.

 

“Hey man, you okay?” Remus’ voice chimed through Virgil’s headphones. Virgil’s hands shook as he tried to piece together his thoughts. Oh god why’d he agree to this? “Virgil?”

“Sorry! Sorry, I uh- I just… never mind, I’m fine, you should probably go, it’s really late and you have-”

“Virgil, take a breath okay?” Remus interrupted him. Virgil paused and did his usual breathing exercise. “Okay, good. Now, what’s wrong?”

 

“It’s nothing, I-”

 

“Bullshit,” Remus interrupted again. Virgil swallowed dryly and let out a shaky breath before putting his head in his hands.

 

“I’m just… Remus, I’m so tired.” Virgil started, pausing- waiting for him to butt in with a ‘then you should sleep’ like Logan probably would. But he didn’t. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore man, I just want to- fuck sorry- I just want to-” Virgil was breathing quickly again. Remus hushed him as quietly as he could. 

 

“Deep breaths V, come on, deep breaths.” Remus repeated over and over. Probably something he learned from Logan or maybe even Patton. Once Virgil had calmed down a bit more he started talking again.

 

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired- so done with everything. God- I just want it to stop Re, I just want it to stop.” 

 

“Let’s talk about it okay- just hold on a second, I’m switching to my phone okay?” Remus disconnected from the chat, Virgil taking his opportunity to let out a quiet sob he had been holding in. Virgil leaned over in his chair a bit and held himself, gasping for breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Remus was gonna join back in any sec-

 

“Hey I’m here, come on dude, let’s- whoa whoa take a breath okay?” Remus went from calm to panicked in under five seconds. A new record.

“I- I can’t. I can’t . Remus I-”

 

“Yes you can, now come on, breathe in… come on, breathe in for me.” Virgil gasped in a breath. He felt so bad for worrying his friend. He was supposed to be the strong one, he was supposed to be mature. He was supposed to be-

 

“Virgil, you’re spiraling, I swear I will drive over there. Now come on babe,” Virgil slowly but surely got his breath under control just enough to be at least semi-calm, Remus giving him little praises every time he did a full breath. “So what’s wrong- fuck that’s a broad question uh- what’s eating at you right now?” 

 

Virgil thought for a moment. Should he tell the truth? Should he really worry his friend like that? Is he selfish for wanting to be worried about? He probably is. But Remus lives with Janus, there’s no way he wouldn’t be able to tell Virgil was lying. So Virgil took a deep breath...

 

“I’m considering it again. Killing myself.” Virgil expected Remus to chime in. He did not. Instead the light ruffling of Remus’ clothes in the background was all he could hear from Remus’ end. “It’s just been so hard lately. No one here, nothing to distract myself with. I hate it Remus. I hate it .”

 

“I know, I know,” Remus hummed gently, a door clicking open and closed. Virgil sighed heavily into his hands, lightly clawing his nails down his face leaving light red marks down his cheeks. There was a moment of silence. One… two… A car started up from Remus’ mic, the closing of a door following quickly after.

 

“Remus?” Virgil sniffled and wiped his face. A twinge of panic bit at his stomach.

“Yeah?”

 

“Why are you in your car?”

 

“Well technically it’s Janus’ car-”

 

“Remus.”

 

“Okay, okay, I’m on my way to your apartment. Do you want me to bring anything or stop somewhere and get you something- you like the horchata thing from QT right?” Remus whispered the last part. Virgil’s heart sped up as he heard the beeping of the car through his headphones.

 

“No no no, you don’t have to do that, I’m okay! I’m not gonna do it, I promise! You don’t need to-” Virgil scrambled for excuses to keep Remus away, wincing at the realization of this being the reason for his latest depressive episode.

 

“I know, I want to be with you. Plus, I don’t think you want to be alone right now. Now, do you want- no- need anything while I’m on my way? I’m stopping at QuickTrip and if you want I can stop at that thai food place we like. I didn’t have dinner so I’m kinda hungry.” Remus assured, the distant sound of the rock station’s radio host rumbling in the background. Virgil blinked blankly at his screen for a second before finally responding.

 

“I- uh, sure? If you’re getting something can you get me… I don’t know, some summer rolls or something?” Virgil asked, trying to remember what was on the menu.

 

“Have you eaten today?” Virgil paused then put his head in his legs.

 

“No.”

 

“Do you want your usual?”

 

“... Sure, yeah.”

 


 

The two had been on the phone, mutually unmuted for well over an hour before Remus finally made it to Virgil’s apartment. Every few minutes Remus would ask a question and Virgil would respond and ask another. Virgil felt bad when Remus had to order their food- which was a lot of food knowing Remus.

 

At the moment, the two were sitting on Virgil's living room floor eating their food at the coffee table in silence. It wasn't the most comfortable silence, but far from squirm-worthy. Remus had gotten the summer rolls Virgil had asked for and then some. Virgil was honestly surprised that Remus was willing to spend that much on him- the restaurant wasn't particularly expensive, but any amount of money was too much to Virgil.

 

Virgil sighed quietly and messed with his food, not really wanting to eat anything. He didn't think he deserved it. Thoughts of self-loathing and anxieties swirled in his head, his hands growing shaky in response. 

 

God he was such a mess. His stomach growled angrily at the lack of food. His throat ached for water. His mind was tearing him apart bit by bit. Look what you did, you made them worry. You are fine, they never needed to know. Why did you tell him? He didn't need to know. He shouldn't have known-

 

“Virgil.” Remus said, making him flinch. “I've been saying your name for three minutes. I can hear your thinking from here.”

 

Virgil looked down at his food and stabbed at the noodles with his fork. “Sorry.” Remus sighed and put down his fork before scooting to sit next to Virgil and push his food away. 


“You need to talk about your problems V, you know what Logan-”

“What?! What about what he says?! He doesn’t have to deal with my bullshit all the time, he doesn’t know how shitty it is to have to deal with me! I don’t even know why-” Virgil cut himself off and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. Remus took his wrists and brought his hands down, muttering a quiet apology for accidentally scraping him with his nails.

 

“Take a breath, okay? You're gonna pass out,” Remus took a finger and tapped out a steady rhythm against Virgil's wrist. Virgil sighed and leaned forward slightly, pressing some of his weight against Remus’ hand. 

 

“Come on Virgin, you're not doing what I asked, take a breath in.” Virgil let out a choked up chuckle.

 

“And if I don't?”

 

“Don't test me, Moore.”

 

“Right, right sorry.” Virgil took in a breath, confused at Remus’ sad sigh.

 

“Don't apologize, we were having fun.” Remus reassured. Remus led Virgil through his breathing exercise until he was satisfied with how calm he was. It took quite a few minutes.

 

“Remus, I'm calm now.” Virgil laughed as Remus continued to tap on his wrist.

 

“You're calm enough when I say you're calm enough. Now breathe in ya big baby.”

 

In… Hold… Out…

 

In… Hold… Out…

 

“... That good enough for you?” Virgil joked, twisting his hand to hold Remus’. They smiled.

 

“Mmm… Fine mister impatient, but when-”

 

“-if.” Virgil cut in.

 

“When you end up crying again I will implement… emergency procedures.” Remus teased, bringing up his hand that wasn't being held and booping Virgil's nose. Virgil shook his head and turned, reaching out and pulling his food towards him with his free hand, continuing to hold Remus’ with his other as he ate. Remus swiped his thumb over the back of Virgil's hand, watching him eat with a fond expression before reaching over for his own food. Virgil laughed as Remus fumbled with his fork, trying to get a good grip with his non-dominant hand.

 


 

Virgil didn't know exactly what happened to lead up to this but in the moment, he couldn't focus enough to care. One minute he was sitting next to Remus on his bed, watching YouTube and then the next he was being cradled while sobbing into Remus’ hoodie.

 

“Shh, shh it's okay. Let it out V, it's okay,” Remus hushed, running a hand through Virgil's hair. Virgil clung to Remus’ hoodie and squirmed in his position. Remus frowned and slightly lifted Virgil, readjusting them so that he was in Remus’ lap with his legs on either side of Remus. Virgil wrapped his arms around Remus’ shoulders and buried his head into his neck.

 

“I'm just so tired Remus- I'm so tired- I-” Remus leaned his head against Virgil's as he sobbed into his neck, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry-” Remus pulled away a bit.

 

“Hey, hey, none a’ that. Look at me hot stuff.” Remus pushed Virgil’s chin up with his finger and wiped his cheeks. “You did nothing wrong, you got that? Let’s try to get a breath in before you asphyxiate.” Virgil let out a sob of a laugh.

 

“You really like that word don’t you?” Remus smiled and wrapped an arm around Virgil, patting a rhythm against his shoulder. Virgil melted against the touch and took in a stuttering breath before letting it all out in a rush.

 

“Come on V, breathe for me,” Remus took in a dramatic breath, Virgil quickly taking in one as well. “Hold… it… and breathe out.” Virgil sighed as they repeated the process a few more times until eventually his breathing evened out as much as it would get. Remus held Virgil's head carefully against his shoulder and rocked slowly from side to side- a technique he learned from Patton.

 

“You wanna talk about it Stormcloud?” Remus asked, rubbing Virgil's back. He shook his head. “Do you wanna go lay down for now?” He nodded.

 


 

Remus sighed and rubbed Virgil's cheek softly with his thumb, the light from the sun peeking in through the curtains he had bumped on the way to the bed the night before. Virgil's eyes were closed, himself deep in sleep that he had been trying to catch for so long. Remus’ gaze was soft, pillowy compared to the glaring clouds of anxiety that had been staring down at Virgil for months. 

 

Remus flinched his hand away at the feeling of a soft buzz in his pocket. Carefully, Remus slowly took his phone out so as to not wake the sleeping man next to him. 



1 missed message(s) from J Anus

 

Where are you? You just up and left last night, is everything okay?



Virgil whined slightly in his sleep and shuffled closer to Remus, burying his head in his chest. Remus wrapped his arm around Virgil's waist and brought him ever so slightly closer, ghosting over his waist with his thumb and he used his other hand to respond to Janus.



Trash Man

 

v wasnt having a good time last night

 

im at his apartment

 

hes asleep



Remus took a quick picture and sent it.



J Anus

 

Oh

 

Is he okay?



Trash Man

 

not really

 

but were gonna handle it

 

you wanna come over

 

maybe bring us some breakfast



J Anus

 

Was that a request or an order?



Trash Man 

 

do you really need to ask



J Anus

 

Fair enough

 

I'll be there in a half hour with breakfast



Slowly, hoping that his phone wouldn't make too much noise, Remus placed his phone on the nightstand next to Virgil's bed. Virgil squirmed somehow even closer, burying his face in Remus’ neck and breathing soft, tickling breaths against the skin. Remus turned his head and softly placed a kiss on Virgil's forehead, tightening his hold against his waist before slipping his eyes shut.