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An October of Unconventional Courtships

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Private WhatsApp Chat

Started on: Thursday 1st October 2020, 11:56 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter

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Lily Evans: Hey, is this James?

James Potter: depends on who's asking
if it's mi5, yes
if it's bernard, my childhood imaginary friend, wtf why have you manifested be gone demon

Lily Evans: You named your childhood imaginary friend BERNARD?

James Potter: that's what you got from that?
that was a really weird opener i just hit you with, even objectively, and you're focused on bernard?

Lily Evans: Yes, that is what I got from that.
No child has any business naming anything Bernard, which is a name designed exclusively for old men.

James Potter: that's ageism
and not that it matters
but naming things after old geezers happens to be my brand

Lily Evans: Your brand?

James Potter: my cat's name is algernon

Lily Evans: Oh yes, your famous murderous cat.
I've heard all about him.
You're lucky Beatrice didn't sue, you know.

James Potter: you know beatrice?

Lily Evans: I'm her best friend.

James Potter: ohhhhhhhhhhh so YOU'RE lily???

Lily Evans: Guilty as charged.

James Potter: two things, then
1 — beatrice needs to get over it she got scratched ONCE and it was her fault for calling him algie, i didn't NAME him algie nor does he want to be called that, his wishes were DISRESPECTED

Lily Evans: I mean, I have no stakes in this whatsoever, but sure.

James Potter: and 2
she keeps telling me to marry you

Lily Evans: Yeah, she'd mentioned that.

James Potter: so i assume you're texting to propose?

Lily Evans: Actually, I was texting you because Bea showed me your artwork and I was hoping to commission something, but hey, if you're not busy at the weekend.

James Potter: how prodigious, i've just had my tuxedos pressed

Lily Evans: You have tuxedos PLURAL?

James Potter: i have
eighteen tuxedos

Lily Evans: What
WHY

James Potter: because my mum keeps buying them for me
she says that i need "variety in my wardrobe" but honestly they all look the bloody same
at least i'm overprepared for formal events i guess
but you wanted to commission something?

Lily Evans: I did.
For MY mum, weirdly enough.

James Potter: does your mum buy you tuxedos?

Lily Evans: Nah, she buys me kitchenware and cushions and excessive amounts of tinned soup.

James Potter: oh, so like, shit you actually need?

Lily Evans: Depends on how into soup you are, I guess.
Anyway
On the topic of my mum, she's really into having art around her house but she won't buy anything mass produced because she doesn't want to "fund the creatively bankrupt" which, I mean, fair?
Anyway, Bea was showing her your Instagram last time we all met up and she LOVED all of your paintings and it's her birthday soon so I was wondering if you could paint something for her if you have time?
Am happy to pay whatever, cost isn't an issue.

James Potter: i have time
when's her birthday?

Lily Evans: October 18th.

James Potter: WHAT
ARE YOU SERIOUS

Lily Evans: That's not a lot of notice, I know.

James Potter: no not that!
i meant
october 18th
is your mum's birthday?

Lily Evans: Yeah?

James Potter: october 18th is MY mum's birthday!

Lily Evans: What, seriously?!

James Potter: YES

Lily Evans: Lollllllllll that's so weird!

James Potter: i know!

Lily Evans: This is like that bit in Batman vs Superman where they were like MARTHA and then they stopped fighting.

James Potter: yeah except not terrible!

Lily Evans: And we don't have to contend with Ben Affleck.

James Potter: like i don't want to be that guy but if your fight can be stopped because your mums have a name in common that's not an indicator that the fight meant that much to you at all so why were you fighting in the first place

Lily Evans: Only Batfleck knows, mate.

James Potter: personally i'm excited for battinson

Lily Evans: All hail

James Potter: he's gonna be all like
bella i watched my parents die today, effervescent

Lily Evans: OMG
oh my. GOD.
And here Beatrice told me that Remus was the funny one.
Clearly SHE'S a fucking liar.

James Potter: thank u thank u i'm here all week
just for that compliment you get a discount

Lily Evans: Oh, so you can do the painting?

James Potter: for my best mate's girlfriend's best mate?
that's practically a blood bond, of course i can do it
do you know what size you want and what you're looking for?
a rough idea is fine

Lily Evans: What size would you have time to do before the 18th?
Mum's looking for something to go above the sofa, so the larger the better, really. She really liked how colourful your stuff was, especially the painting of the rainy street and the seascapes. Outdoorsy stuff is her fave.
LOL @ me and my art terms. "Outdoorsy stuff!"

James Potter: excuse me, haven't you seen the national gallery's outdoorsy stuff exhibit? truly groundbreaking.

Lily Evans: Effervescent, even.

James Potter: lollllllll
large is fine, i can def do something outdoorsy and colourful for her if you want
i've got some 24 x 36 canvases if that works?

Lily Evans: That sounds perfect, thank you so much for doing this.
How much do you want for it and do you need me to pay in advance?

James Potter: £50 okay?
you can pay for it when it's done, nbd

Lily Evans: £50 seems like… not enough.

James Potter: well yeah i'd normally charge a bit more but
best mate's girlfriend's best mates' rates + MARTHA + i don't want beatrice to sue me + you said i was funny

Lily Evans: LOL
I can pay more, honestly, I'd normally spend twice as much on a birthday present for her.

James Potter: you must like your mum

Lily Evans: I do, she's a plum and a peach.

James Potter: then you can get her a second gift
earn yourself a spot on the favourite child shelf

Lily Evans: Boy, I own that shelf.

James Potter: lol
well i'll have a think tonight and send you some ideas in a couple of days if that works??

Lily Evans: That'd be amazing, thank you so much, honestly.

James Potter: no problem at all, mr kent

Lily Evans: TTYL Master Wayne.