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An October of Unconventional Courtships

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Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 31st October 2020, 2:05 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: so
that was unexpected and terrible

Lily Evans: Hi <3

James Potter: hey you <3

Lily Evans: What a clusterfuck of an evening this turned out to be.
How is he doing?
Is everything okay?
Are YOU okay? Is he??

James Potter: i think so?
i hope so
they said they can fix it and they've brought him in for emergency surgery, so i've sat down in the waiting room finally
not fun when you're dressed in a baywatch costume, by the way
also, sirius stretched out on the back seat and fell asleep about 30 seconds after the car got going
either he's still asleep out there or he's dead
and honestly, right now i don't give a shit either way

Lily Evans: Jesus

James Potter: i know

Lily Evans: Of all the ways I envisioned this night ending

James Potter: right?

Lily Evans: Handing you a severed human finger in a plastic sandwich baggie was...really not it

James Potter: i guess nothing kills the mood faster than a spot of digital mutilation

Lily Evans: Nope, that pretty much wins.

James Potter: and that will never not be our first time
will never not be our first time
we can't undo it

Lily Evans: Look, if any part of this relationship had subscribed more to convention over the past few weeks, I'd probably be more surprised about this than I am.
And it's not THAT bad!

James Potter: it's hard to see how it could be worse

Lily Evans: Well
He could have taken the whole hand off?

James Potter: don't make me laugh in this waiting room please

Lily Evans: He and Sirius could have BOTH chopped their fingers off simultaneously.
You know, like really really terrible Teppanyaki.

James Potter: LILY

Lily Evans: I'm just trying to cheer you up!

James Potter: you are
the most beautiful
sweet funny kind brilliant and spectacular woman in the world
you are cheering me up just by texting me in the first place
and look, thank you so much for
i cannot fucking BELIEVE i'm saying this
to you
right now
after everything
but thank you for wrapping up my friend's severed finger and putting it in a plastic sandwich baggie
thank you for being the only other person the entire house who could act like an adult

Lily Evans: James, it's FINE.
Everybody else was drunk out of their minds.
What did you think I was going to do? Leave you to deal with it alone?

James Potter: in this case i would not have blamed you

Lily Evans: I would have!
I don't have your back selectively, it's all or nothing.

James Potter: you're amazing

Lily Evans: YOU'RE amazing

James Potter: and peter owes you big time for this
the doctor we spoke to said that if the finger had been put directly on the ice, it would have damaged the severed bit too much to reattach
something about ice burn or something
so you saved the day with that one

Lily Evans: Thanks, I'll enjoy lording that over Kingsley when I talk to him next.

James Potter: the man knows his coffees, but nothing about amputated finger preservation

Lily Evans: And do we really want that kind of person serving us drinks?

James Potter: where are his health and safety qualifications?

Lily Evans: I'll report him to the HSE immediately, this madness must be stopped.

James Potter: i swear, peter better THROW himself on the ground and grovel before you when he sees you next
if he does not
i will litter his path with stray legos when he's walking in bare feet
i was going to say "chop another finger" but that seemed too brutal
if they can reattach this bloody thing it will be because of you

Lily Evans: No, it'll be because of YOU
Do you know how FRANTIC the emergency services get over Halloween weekend?

James Potter: oh yeah, it's their busiest time of year
generally because of drunk WANKERS like sirius and peter
hence the reason i hate drinking holidays

Lily Evans: We'd probably still be waiting for an ambulance if you hadn't brought him to the hospital yourself.

James Potter: i am going to murder them both
or, maybe not peter, but sirius for daring him to do it in the fucking first place
of all nights to do this to me when i SPECIFICALLY asked them to behave themselves
who JUGGLES knives?!!

Lily Evans: Sirius, apparently?

James Potter: this is just
this so NOT why i decided not to drink

Lily Evans: I know
But Peter is incredibly fortunate that you did

James Potter: i know
and i am really glad that he'll be okay
but SO mad at him
but relieved
but SO MAD

Lily Evans: You must be exhausted.

James Potter: i honestly feel like i could pass out right where i'm sitting except i'd definitely fall out of my chair and everyone in this waiting room has suffered enough without accidentally catching a glimpse up my shorts

Lily Evans: Please try to remain conscious.
If for no other reason, then because I am quite adamant that only I should get to see what you've got up your shorts.

James Potter: anything for my one and only

Lily Evans: <3

James Potter: how is everything back there?
party still going on?

Lily Evans: Nah, it pretty much died with Peter's accident.
I think that was a bit TOO Halloween-appropriate for the guests, yeah?

James Potter: lol yeah, fright horror scenes in the kitchen might be going a bit too far

Lily Evans: We got everyone to leave pretty quickly after you guys, but the three of us were all wide awake, and Beatrice was freaking out about leaving the cleanup until tomorrow.
Which is fair, considering the severed finger that rolled across their kitchen counter.

James Potter: understandable, yeah

Lily Evans: So we cleaned up.
I say "we cleaned up" but what I mean is "Remus and I cleaned up" because Beatrice was vomiting whole litres of jungle juice.
Now we're in the living room, watching Hocus Pocus in the dark.

James Potter: bette midler singing at the party is my favourite part

Lily Evans: Mine too :)

James Potter: have you told her about us yet?
beatrice, i mean

Lily Evans: I was going to, but she guessed before I could.
Immediately, so she says.

James Potter: oh?

Lily Evans: It seems like we both misjudged her completely because she said she could tell things were romantic between us as soon as you walked in.

James Potter: what do you think tipped her off?

Lily Evans: Me leaping into your arms?

James Potter: i guess that's
generally not how friends hug, is it?

Lily Evans: Friends also tend to let go much quicker.
My feet did not touch ground for at least a solid twenty seconds.

James Potter: i know, i'm sorry
i didn't want to let you go

Lily Evans: I didn't want you to let me go

James Potter: then i won't

Lily Evans: Ever?

James Potter: i think i can agree to those terms
i'm sorry that you've been left to deal with her alone
that wasn't the plan at all

Lily Evans: Well, actually, that was another misjudgement.
She's been incredibly sweet about the whole thing.
And not smug at all? Which means either her better nature took the wheel or there's some residual drunkenness lingering.

James Potter: that or she's had a lobotomy 

Lily Evans: Always possible.

James Potter: or remus is withholding sex to make her behave

Lily Evans: He'd never, old Wolfy's too addicted.
I mean, there was definitely a GLINT in her eye when she was talking to me, so maybe she's just saving the smug explosion for when we're both in front of her?
But she was nice tonight and I appreciated it.
She said some lovely things about you, too.

James Potter: like what?

Lily Evans: Like, about how much you mean to Remus.
And how she knows that she's been unbearable and pushy about wanting us to meet, but it was only because you're kind and generous and one of the best people she's ever met.
And that you feel like a brother to her, and how nice that is because her own brother can be such a massive shit.
And, for selfish reasons, she wants to start hosting couples game nights and for that she needs more couples.

James Potter: that's really sweet of her

Lily Evans: Well, that's the thing about Beatrice.
She hides her boundless sweetness well beneath her veneer of outrageous scheming so you can't see it until it jumps out and hits you square in the chest.
And she was right about us in the end, wasn't she?

James Potter: yeah, she definitely was
and we could definitely annihilate her and remus on couples game nights

Lily Evans: Oh, we could thrash them without breaking a sweat.

James Potter: i wish you could have come to the hospital
you could have if sirius hadn't insisted on stretching out in the back
i KNEW he'd fall asleep, the useless bugger

Lily Evans: Well, he knows Peter much better than I do.
And I do kind of want his approval on account of he's your brother and all.

James Potter: please, he likes you plenty
he wouldn't have stood around talking to you for an hour if he didn't like you

Lily Evans: But all he did was ask me questions about my job non-stop.

James Potter: yeah, which means he finds you interesting
to be honest i was kind of embarrassed
here he was, asking you all of these interesting questions and i hardly ever ask you about your work

Lily Evans: Which is exactly how I like it, thank you very much.
I get enough of that AT work.

James Potter: fair enough, duly noted
speaking of what happened when we finally escaped him
are you, y'know
okay about everything?

Lily Evans: Of course I'm okay, I've got all of my fingers.

James Potter: no, i mean
the other thing
you're not like
having regrets or anything?

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: just because of the way everything happened!
i wanted to check

Lily Evans: Have I given you the impression that I regret it?

James Potter: well no, but i wanted to make sure

Lily Evans: Because I'm remembering it right now and I feel like I was a very enthusiastic participant.

James Potter: you were and it was amazing, but i feel like we just sort of……leapt at it?
the PLAN wasn't to just go from 0 to 100
there were things i wanted to tell you first
things i've only wanted to tell you in person
i was going to build up to it, not start kissing you the minute we were alone

Lily Evans: Are YOU having regrets?

James Potter: GOD NO
definitely not
lily, i've seen you naked
i've kissed you EVERYWHERE
you came against my mouth and i could feel your pulse in my tongue and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me IN MY LIFE
until my mates RUINED it
i just wanted to make sure that you weren't regretting it or feeling like things moved too fast

Lily Evans: Why would I regret something that we'd basically planned to do as soon as we could?

James Potter: because full disclosure, that is not something i've EVER done that quickly

Lily Evans: Neither have I
I mean, now I have
But never before tonight

James Potter: but you're okay and you're not regretting it?

Lily Evans: I'm better than okay, and I am definitely NOT regretting it.
Did I enjoy being interrupted by the bloodcurdling scream of a man who had cut off his own finger?
I'm gonna be honest, James
That part wasn't ideal?

James Potter: lol

Lily Evans: But don't you think there's something to be said for the fact that this was the first and (hopefully) only time in my life that I've been interrupted during sex by the bloodcurdling scream of a man who had cut off his own finger, and it was STILL phenomenal?

James Potter: o rly???

Lily Evans: James, I was SHAKING, don't pretend you don't know

James Potter: you could've been cold!

Lily Evans: While I was pinned beneath you?!

James Potter: i don't know!

Lily Evans: Yes you do!
And I know you're digging for compliments.

James Potter: honestly i'm not i just want feedback

Lily Evans: I am side-eyeing you so hard right now.

James Potter: you were doing something else "so hard" earlier

Lily Evans: YOU
Where is my feedback? Where is my praise? Why haven't I been told how good I was?

James Potter: well firstly
because i feel like the feedback you got in the throes of it all was pretty enthusiastic
you were incredible
if i get an erection in this hospital waiting room and in these shorts i don't think i'll be able to take it, emotionally speaking, so we have to talk about something else
but we're clear that you're not wishing you hadn't done it, right?

Lily Evans: James, it was LOVELY
I want to do it again and again and again and again and again
Ideally in a situation where you get to finish and we can't be interrupted by our friends while you are actively inside me

James Potter: i wish i was inside you right now

Lily Evans: Waiting room + shorts, James

James Potter: URGH
our bloody friends!!!

Lily Evans: Our LITERALLY bloody friends!

James Potter: but thank GOD you're not regretting it
there was this really surreal moment in the kitchen where we were all standing there and everyone else was screaming and wailing and flapping around and i was watching you wrap pete's finger up while i held his hand over his head and i was SO convinced that i had completely blown it

Lily Evans: Yeah you really blew it with me by springing into action to come to the aid of an injured friend.
Nothing sexy about that at all.

James Potter: so you're saying you think i'm sexy?

Lily Evans: I'm saying I'm so attracted to you that it makes me feel wild
Savage, really

James Potter: why was i braced for a deflection?

Lily Evans: Because that's classic me, innit?

James Potter: lol
classic you

Lily Evans: Say something flirty, deflect, it's my thing

James Potter: SADLY

Lily Evans: SADLY

James Potter: swifter than a tennis pro, you are
works every time

Lily Evans: See? You do know me well.

James Potter: did you think i didn't?

Lily Evans: No, I knew
But I think you give yourself less credit than you deserve

James Potter: what do you mean?

Lily Evans: I mean like, how you were worried that I'd react poorly to you taking time off work to be with me
And now asking me if I regret having sex with you
It's like
I think you see yourself as more invested in this than I am?

James Potter: oh
it's not that, exactly

Lily Evans: No, wait
Can I say this one thing?

James Potter: sure

Lily Evans: I know that everything was……kind of mental tonight.
And that you wound up carting a nine-fingered man off to hospital instead of spending yourself inside me like your body was CLEARLY designed to do.
But the fact that you thought you'd blown it because your friend cut his finger off is just……
James, I am the LAST person you need to be concerned about right now.
I mean, god, if you DID want to spend the whole week living in my flat, do you really think I'd say no??

James Potter: it had crossed my mind that it might wind you up

Lily Evans: Well it wouldn't!
Except I DO really want to meet your cat so we'd have to go to your house eventually, but that is my only sticking point.

James Potter: i know
and i know how much you like me
it's just
what i'm dealing with in my head right now is like
my feelings for you are very
how do i explain this
more than they should be
or more than i'd expect them to be
i mean, they're A LOT and i've only known you a month
a month is not a long time
what i'm FEELING isn't appropriate for a month
and that isn't to say that i feel like i need more from you than you're comfortable with right now
because i don't

Lily Evans: I'm in love with you, James

James Potter: and i don't want you to feel like i'm trying to push

Lily Evans: I'm in love with you.
And I'm not even sure why I'm saying this while you're……where you are, and I'm here? When I've met you in person twice? When Mary and my mother and a collective flock of agony aunts would probably tell me "no, you stupid idiot, STOP" if they could see me now? I'm being incredibly fucking stupid.
But I dunno, James
I love you and I think you might love me? Maybe?
And look, I know I could be wrong
I know that I could have misjudged, that it could just be that you like me a lot—a WHOLE lot, I realise—but you're not quite THERE yet, and if that's true that's fine, I don't need any more from you than whatever you can give right now and we both have to move at our own pace and that's not something I have a problem with.
But I am there
I'm like…very there
All in, completely consumed by it, you are my happy feeling and the person I wish I could fall asleep next to at night THERE and it seems so utterly insane to me that you could even THINK you've got something to be worried about
And now you haven't talked in a while and I'm starting to think that maybe I might need to worry
But fuck it, what am I supposed to do with this? Lie?
Whatever this is between the two of us, I'm IN. And I mean, really, fully IN, whatever that means to you.
This is how I feel how do you feel?

James Potter: you love me?
that's real?

Lily Evans: Yeah, it's real.

James Potter: but, no
i don't think you understand what i'm asking
is it really, REALLY real?

Lily Evans: I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, would I?

James Potter: no of course you wouldn't
you wouldn't say something you don't mean
i wasn't trying to say that you would
i'm sorry, i'm not really reacting with a clear head right now, this waiting room smells weird and there's this drunk woman crying and demanding something called warfarin which tbh i'd always thought was some kind of rat poison but clearly i'm wrong?
do you know what warfarin is?

Lily Evans: Not to be pushy or anything, James
But as I DID just tell you that I'm in love with you IS NOW REALLY THE TIME?

James Potter: NO IT ISN'T

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: i love you too

Lily Evans: I SWEAR
Oh god
You do?

James Potter: YES

Lily Evans: And you're sure?
Absolutely sure?

James Potter: i am more sure about that than i am about the fact that france is shit and it is SHIT, lily
i mean, tremendously
they have SO many riots? WHY

Lily Evans: So you knew that you loved me and you decided to leave me HANGING?
And now you're talking about FRANCE?

James Potter: nonono nooooooo no i'm sorry!
i was having a reaction and my hands were shaking and i couldn't think but i was
oh god i do love you though

Lily Evans: The terror you just put me through MY GOD

James Potter: no but listen
lily, of COURSE i love you!
i have been falling in love with you since day one
i just didn't know that it was happening at the time but that IS what was happening
and now i DO know it and i was freaking out because i thought it would scare you and i've, christ i've been acting ridiculous

Lily Evans: Is THAT why you were worried about booking time off?!

James Potter: um

Lily Evans: Why on earth would I be scared of you LOVING me?

James Potter: because it's only been a month!

Lily Evans: Says the man whose parents got married after TWO WEEKS!

James Potter: well yeah, but my parents are WEIRDOS!

Lily Evans: Well, fine, we're weirdos too!
I'll BE a weirdo, I can live with that.
And so what if it only took us a month?
This is how I feel and I can't bloody well change it and I don't WANT to.

James Potter: i don't want to either!

Lily Evans: Shit, James.
We're both utterly mental, aren't we?

James Potter: oh, completely nuts

Lily Evans: Do you care?

James Potter: NO I REALLY DON'T

This is going to be the thing that does push Bea into immeasurable smugness once the jungle juice inertia has passed and she properly sobers up, isn't it?

James Potter: yeah i'm pretty sure we're never living this down
she tries to set us up
we're all "ew david!"
then what? we fall in love in a MONTH?

Lily Evans: She's going to, like
Make an announcement in The Times, or something

James Potter: nah, she'll put a surreptitiously obtained photo of us shagging in national geographic magazine

Lily Evans: She'll buy a full page spread in Horse & Hound
It's not horse or hound related but that won't hold her back

James Potter: cross-stitch weekly

Lily Evans: Topiaries of the Month

James Potter: topiaries today

Lily Evans: Top Topiaries

James Potter: the topiary tales

Lily Evans: And EVERY conceivable edition of Vogue.

James Potter: someone at condé nast is about to get bribed to shit

Lily Evans: The next few days are going to be such a Big Thing with our mates, aren't they?

James Potter: yup

Lily Evans: And it doesn't matter where we hide, either
She'll find us
My flat, your house

James Potter: blenheim palace

Lily Evans: The lido in Tooting Bec

James Potter: in an underground bunker in croydon

Lily Evans: In the middle part of Aldi where they sell random shit nobody needs

James Potter: crouched amongst vertical rotisseries and craft brew kits

Lily Evans: She'll hunt us down

James Potter: like a bloodhound

Lily Evans: In high-heeled shoes

James Potter: and full vanessa carlysle cosplay

Lily Evans: While Remus howls his support in a Deadpool unitard.

James Potter: bloodhound appropriate, really?

Lily Evans: Can't believe we're meeting our end in the middle aisle of Aldi.

James Potter: or, wait
oh my god
lily lily lily lily LILY

Lily Evans: I also can't believe that you're impersonating yourself during sex at this very fraught moment.

James Potter: first of all, NOT accurate i am FAR more of a moaner and you fully remove my ability to form coherent words
but getting back to it please LILY
i thought of something
i know how we can avoid it

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: all of it
bea and remus and the aldi lynching

Lily Evans: LYNCHING?

James Potter: i just have to check something
give me like, two minutes

Lily Evans: Check what???
What are you checking??
Is it hitmen?
Expensive hitmen?
Because I would have a problem with that despite all jokes to the contrary.

James Potter: okay here it is
are you ready?

Lily Evans: For what???

James Potter: saint

Lily Evans: Who?

James Potter: saint martin's not a person you sausage
the place
in the caribbean
let's GO there

Lily Evans: Lol when?

James Potter: today
i just looked it up

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: it's perfect, weather looks great, and there's a flight leaving heathrow at 3:30 this afternoon

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: i can book them now, come back to bea's after i hear from the doctors about peter, then we can pick a hotel together, get some sleep, get up and pack and leave and just GO
a full week in paradise playing baywatch for real what do you think?

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: why not?

Are you SERIOUS right now???

James Potter: yes

Lily Evans: Are you CRAZY?

James Potter: yes, we're crazy weirdos like my parents, as we JUST established
you have the time, i have the time, we've got nothing else planned
i'll even introduce you to algernon before we leave

Lily Evans: But it's so SOON??

James Potter: in terms of time itself, or so soon in the relationship?

Lily Evans: Both?????

James Potter: and?
lily it has beaches and sunshine and palm trees
and none of our friends
we can swim in the sea and drink rum and look at adorable turtles and have sex in a canopy bed and be completely alone together
because NONE of our friends are there

Lily Evans: Oh god, none of our friends are there

James Potter: and when do you EVER get the chance to spontaneously go away like this?
aside from right now, lily, when??
when is your job going to let you do this?

Lily Evans: But I can't ask you to pay for a random trip to the Caribbean, it's not fair on you!

James Potter: no, what's NOT fair is my percentage of wealth vs other people's percentage of wealth
literally nothing in my life besides that fucking roomba have been unfair on me
i was born rich and i'm very good looking and the woman of my dreams LOVES me, stick a knife in me and i probably wouldn't bleed
plus, you're not asking if i'm offering?

Lily Evans: BUT

James Potter: look, it's not a problem, i have the money and i want to spend it on this
because i don't know if you know this about my girlfriend
but it's her dream to take a long walk on a tropical beach and i would like to make that come true if she could please stop being so difficult

Lily Evans: DIFFICULT?!

James Potter: so i'll take that as a yes to saint martin?

Lily Evans: You are doing a number on my guilt synapses here and I DON'T APPRECIATE IT!

James Potter: so that's a yes

Lily Evans: URGH
It's a sdgikjhif???

James Potter: to be clear, you're saying sdgikjhif to
let's see
palm trees?
catamaran trips around the islands on blue blue water?
horseback rides along the shore?
romantic dinners on the beach at sunset?
cocktails by the pool?
absolutely NONE of our friends?

Lily Evans: Okay okay I'll go I'll go I'll GO
Oh my god
My heart
It's beating so fast I can't believe this

James Potter: i can't believe you love me so i guess we're even

Lily Evans: But we are flying in COACH, do you hear?
No needless expense!

James Potter: lol sure, we're "flying coach"

Lily Evans: :O
The AUDACITY you have!

James Potter: yeah, and you get off on it

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!

James Potter: oh look, she's finally speechless

Lily Evans: My god, Potter
One lousy little "I love you" and suddenly you think you're James Bond

James Potter: that's euphjimian hasselhoff to you, baywatch

Lily Evans: I love you so much, you weirdo

James Potter: i love you so much too

Lily Evans: \o/

James Potter: \o/