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An October of Unconventional Courtships

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Private WhatsApp Chat

Started on: Thursday 1st October 2020, 11:56 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Hey, is this James?

James Potter: depends on who's asking
if it's mi5, yes
if it's bernard, my childhood imaginary friend, wtf why have you manifested be gone demon

Lily Evans: You named your childhood imaginary friend BERNARD?

James Potter: that's what you got from that?
that was a really weird opener i just hit you with, even objectively, and you're focused on bernard?

Lily Evans: Yes, that is what I got from that.
No child has any business naming anything Bernard, which is a name designed exclusively for old men.

James Potter: that's ageism
and not that it matters
but naming things after old geezers happens to be my brand

Lily Evans: Your brand?

James Potter: my cat's name is algernon

Lily Evans: Oh yes, your famous murderous cat.
I've heard all about him.
You're lucky Beatrice didn't sue, you know.

James Potter: you know beatrice?

Lily Evans: I'm her best friend.

James Potter: ohhhhhhhhhhh so YOU'RE lily???

Lily Evans: Guilty as charged.

James Potter: two things, then
1 — beatrice needs to get over it she got scratched ONCE and it was her fault for calling him algie, i didn't NAME him algie nor does he want to be called that, his wishes were DISRESPECTED

Lily Evans: I mean, I have no stakes in this whatsoever, but sure.

James Potter: and 2
she keeps telling me to marry you

Lily Evans: Yeah, she'd mentioned that.

James Potter: so i assume you're texting to propose?

Lily Evans: Actually, I was texting you because Bea showed me your artwork and I was hoping to commission something, but hey, if you're not busy at the weekend.

James Potter: how prodigious, i've just had my tuxedos pressed

Lily Evans: You have tuxedos PLURAL?

James Potter: i have
eighteen tuxedos

Lily Evans: What

James Potter: because my mum keeps buying them for me
she says that i need "variety in my wardrobe" but honestly they all look the bloody same
at least i'm overprepared for formal events i guess
but you wanted to commission something?

Lily Evans: I did.
For MY mum, weirdly enough.

James Potter: does your mum buy you tuxedos?

Lily Evans: Nah, she buys me kitchenware and cushions and excessive amounts of tinned soup.

James Potter: oh, so like, shit you actually need?

Lily Evans: Depends on how into soup you are, I guess.
On the topic of my mum, she's really into having art around her house but she won't buy anything mass produced because she doesn't want to "fund the creatively bankrupt" which, I mean, fair?
Anyway, Bea was showing her your Instagram last time we all met up and she LOVED all of your paintings and it's her birthday soon so I was wondering if you could paint something for her if you have time?
Am happy to pay whatever, cost isn't an issue.

James Potter: i have time
when's her birthday?

Lily Evans: October 18th.

James Potter: WHAT

Lily Evans: That's not a lot of notice, I know.

James Potter: no not that!
i meant
october 18th
is your mum's birthday?

Lily Evans: Yeah?

James Potter: october 18th is MY mum's birthday!

Lily Evans: What, seriously?!

James Potter: YES

Lily Evans: Lollllllllll that's so weird!

James Potter: i know!

Lily Evans: This is like that bit in Batman vs Superman where they were like MARTHA and then they stopped fighting.

James Potter: yeah except not terrible!

Lily Evans: And we don't have to contend with Ben Affleck.

James Potter: like i don't want to be that guy but if your fight can be stopped because your mums have a name in common that's not an indicator that the fight meant that much to you at all so why were you fighting in the first place

Lily Evans: Only Batfleck knows, mate.

James Potter: personally i'm excited for battinson

Lily Evans: All hail

James Potter: he's gonna be all like
bella i watched my parents die today, effervescent

Lily Evans: OMG
oh my. GOD.
And here Beatrice told me that Remus was the funny one.
Clearly SHE'S a fucking liar.

James Potter: thank u thank u i'm here all week
just for that compliment you get a discount

Lily Evans: Oh, so you can do the painting?

James Potter: for my best mate's girlfriend's best mate?
that's practically a blood bond, of course i can do it
do you know what size you want and what you're looking for?
a rough idea is fine

Lily Evans: What size would you have time to do before the 18th?
Mum's looking for something to go above the sofa, so the larger the better, really. She really liked how colourful your stuff was, especially the painting of the rainy street and the seascapes. Outdoorsy stuff is her fave.
LOL @ me and my art terms. "Outdoorsy stuff!"

James Potter: excuse me, haven't you seen the national gallery's outdoorsy stuff exhibit? truly groundbreaking.

Lily Evans: Effervescent, even.

James Potter: lollllllll
large is fine, i can def do something outdoorsy and colourful for her if you want
i've got some 24 x 36 canvases if that works?

Lily Evans: That sounds perfect, thank you so much for doing this.
How much do you want for it and do you need me to pay in advance?

James Potter: £50 okay?
you can pay for it when it's done, nbd

Lily Evans: £50 seems like… not enough.

James Potter: well yeah i'd normally charge a bit more but
best mate's girlfriend's best mates' rates + MARTHA + i don't want beatrice to sue me + you said i was funny

Lily Evans: LOL
I can pay more, honestly, I'd normally spend twice as much on a birthday present for her.

James Potter: you must like your mum

Lily Evans: I do, she's a plum and a peach.

James Potter: then you can get her a second gift
earn yourself a spot on the favourite child shelf

Lily Evans: Boy, I own that shelf.

James Potter: lol
well i'll have a think tonight and send you some ideas in a couple of days if that works??

Lily Evans: That'd be amazing, thank you so much, honestly.

James Potter: no problem at all, mr kent

Lily Evans: TTYL Master Wayne.

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Friday 2nd October 2020, 6:48 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: so i did a few sketches last night if you want to take a look
also hi

Lily Evans: Hi!
Wait, you've done sketches already?!

James Potter: yeah
i needed something to calm me down after sitting through arsenal's penalty shootout against liverpool
went right down to the bloody wire

Lily Evans: Oh, so you're one of THOSE?

James Potter: one of THOSE what?

Lily Evans: Futbawl fans innit bruv

James Potter: lol what kind of slang was that

Lily Evans: Futbawl slang innit lad!
Innit bruv!
Innit mate!
Ow's about a pork pie down at the rose n' crown ay bruv?!

James Potter: are you having a stroke

Lily Evans: I'm being hilarious, is what I'm doing.

James Potter: the stereotypes at work here i can't even
how very dare you
can't believe you'd accuse me of being a LAD when i own tuxedos
MANY fine italian tuxedos

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: i have never ever ever not ONCE been in a football riot
i never brawl on the mean streets

Lily Evans: The MEAN streets lmao
Of where?

James Potter: erm

How exactly would you brawl there, knock over the topiary tree on your neighbour's balcony?

James Potter: excuse me no
you'd hire a serviceman to do it

Lily Evans: I'm going to start crying in a minute.

James Potter: but if we could just return to the ACCUSATIONS you levelled against me

Lily Evans: I literally can't stop laughing.

James Potter: i am not a football hooligan
i never call my mates "muppets"
i don't like danny dyer
i don't shave my head

Lily Evans: Do you wear your jersey when you're watching a match?

James Potter: okay but EVERYONE does that

Lily Evans: Oh god
I am SO messing with you right now.
I am 100% sure that you are a very refined football fan with wine cellars and expensive dressing gowns and topiary trees.
And I would love to see the sketches please.

James Potter: you can see them if you explain the offside rule first

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: bruv

Lily Evans: LOL
It's when the ball goes off to the side to have a word with somebody.

James Potter: perfection, here you go

[picture attachment]
[picture attachment]
[picture attachment]

obviously they're just pencil sketches now but the idea is a night scene with most of the colour coming from the lights/reflecting in the water

Lily Evans: OH

James Potter: i truly do love that you can't get tone from text messages, you know
shitting a brick while i wait for you to explain OH WELL
it's okay though i'll survive

Lily Evans: Oh god no I'm sorry!
Sorry sorry sorry, I was saving them all to my phone like a greedy brat.
I love them!!!!!
So much!!!!
You're so talented!!???
I LOVE the one with the fountain and the hanging lanterns especially but they are ALL SO GREAT

James Potter: well
you said she liked the rain and seascapes so i figured i'd keep it watery
you want the fountain then?

Lily Evans: Yessssss please, she'll love it so much!
When my sister and I were kids and our parents took us on days out, mum would plonk us in front of every fountain she came across to take photos. Our hall is LINED with pictures of fountains.

James Potter: struck gold with the theme, then

Lily Evans: Meant to be.

James Potter: 100%

Lily Evans: Don't tell Beatrice.

James Potter: i'd never, or she'd buy the ring herself

Lily Evans: Run like hell if you hear her talking about princess cuts.
But also
You HAVE to let me pay you more than £50 for this when it's done.

James Potter: no honestly
it's fine

Lily Evans: Because what does that even cover, the cost of materials? Not even that?
I feel like I'm robbing you.

James Potter: yes, because robbers always give their victims money
and to think i've just been breaking into the townhouses of investment bankers and making off with their antique candlesticks in a swag bag
perhaps a topiary tree or two

Lily Evans: Leaving behind only a receipt from the tuxedo shop?

James Potter: it's my calling card

Lily Evans: Their one clue to your identity.

James Potter: i really need to get consistent with my character
yesterday i was batman
today i'm the hamburglar

Lily Evans: Both icons of their genre, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

James Potter: thank you for that, i feel better

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 3rd October 2020, 11:17 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Hey
Sorry to bother you if you're busy or whatever.

James Potter: hey

Lily Evans: It's just, weird question, did you tell Beatrice that you were doing a painting for me?
It's totally fine if you did!
It's just that I didn't, but she seems to know and she's being…… shippy.

James Potter: shit
but i told remus

Lily Evans: And Beatrice wormed it out of him with her feminine wiles and "top dollar" vagina, got you.
No further questions, Your Honour.

James Potter: she calls her vagina top dollar??

Lily Evans: To be fair, she doesn't always.
Sometimes it's top drawer.
Top notch.
Top cat.

James Potter: top gun starring tom cruise

Lily Evans: Top Trumps

James Potter: top o' the morning

Lily Evans: TopCashBack Official — The UK's #1 CashBack Site

James Potter: topiary

Lily Evans: You are so fucking funny I almost hate you for it.

James Potter: lol thank you
wish my date tonight had agreed with you

Lily Evans: Oh.
Shit, sorry, am I interrupting something?

James Potter: nah, i got home about an hour ago
wait, how did you get my number if not from beatrice?

Lily Evans: I got it from Kingsley Shacklebolt, you did some paintings for his coffee shop?

James Potter: oh yeah
he's invited me to his wedding, actually

Lily Evans: Same.
But listen, it doesn't matter, don't worry about Beatrice.
You've had a bad date?? It sounds like?? And I don't want to bother you.

James Potter: i mean
it wasn't BAD exactly
it was just
but in a way that doesn't get any better
like, we'd talked a bit on tinder and she seemed nice and we went for dinner and she didn't pick her teeth with her knife or whip a dead dove out of her bag or anything

Lily Evans: Wait
What kind of yardstick is that?!

James Potter: but i could tell as soon as i sat down that i wouldn't be able to be myself with her
i just KNEW
the moment we looked at each other, this horrible cold feeling sank into my bones
and like, i TRIED
i asked her questions about herself and i wasn't creepy at all i made a very relevant joke about mean girls
but she was just sort of unresponsive to everything i said, and all of her answers were really flat
and she's super nice and all but there was nothing there
she seemed bored by me the whole night
it was like talking to ai or something
except you'd probably get more out of ai

Lily Evans: Wait a second.
What joke did you make about Mean Girls?

James Potter: well, it's october 3rd, yeah?

Lily Evans: Omg

James Potter: so i was like
you know that bit in mean girls where cady's in class and aaron samuels asks her what day it is and she's like, it's october 3rd?

Lily Evans: You remember the characters' names.
Love that for you.

James Potter: shut up i could have googled it

Lily Evans: You didn't, though.

James Potter: you know, you become less and less of a glen coco the more you mock me, lily

Lily Evans: Well DAMN
Finish the joke, Regina.

James Potter: well it wasn't exactly a joke but
he didn't ask her the date

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: he asked her what DAY it was
so okay, what if he was asking her what day of the week it was? what if he thought it might be thursday but it felt like a wednesday and he didn't want to get his hopes up by assuming?
but there's cady being all "october 3rd" because she's an "intellectual" or whatever

Lily Evans: Oh right, because knowing dates is a purely intellectual pursuit.
First question on the Mensa exam, actually
"What date is it? Please refrain from referring to study materials."

James Potter: i'm just saying!!!
maybe that's what he wanted to know and then he felt too awkward to clarify
because all the while he'd been thinking it was like… april 17th

Lily Evans: I'd have said it was Sunday.
Just to fuck with him.

James Potter: see, THAT'S what i was looking for!
but hattie was just like "he was asking her the date, i'm sure that was what the script intended"

Lily Evans: Well, yeah, Hattie, but that's not really the bloody point, is it?

James Potter: THANK YOU
anyway the whole night was a total write off, neither of us enjoyed ourselves, i got her a taxi afterwards and she practically flung herself in it to get away from me
which makes it sound like it was a letch who scared her off but i honestly wasn't
i just bored her
it was VERY obvious
now i'm wallowing in my own failure

Lily Evans: Look mate

James Potter: don't you mean "look bruv"

Lily Evans: My god, I do
Imagine forgetting that!

James Potter: anyway wot lad?

Lily Evans: I will tell this to you straight out, so listen (read??) carefully
My best friend may be a demonic nuisance who thinks she's psychic and won't rest until one half of her friend group is shagging the other, but speaking as her favourite person in the world, she would 100% NOT be pestering you to marry me if you were in any way a letch or a creep.
And personally, having spoken to you a couple of times, that is not the impression you give off at all.

James Potter: cheers bruv

Lily Evans: Innit m8

James Potter: wotcher pal

Lily Evans: Ello guv

James Potter: futbawl bants 

Lily Evans: Googling Arsenal football chants.

James Potter: waiting patiently

Lily Evans: Okay, here's one I found.
We love you Arsenal, we do.
We love you Arsenal, we do.
We love you Arsenal, we do.
Oh, Arsenal we love you.

James Potter: damn right we do

Lily Evans: But…

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: But…
But how do you remember the lyrics?

James Potter: wow

Lily Evans: lololololol

James Potter: WOW
the insults!
the slights!
the insinuations of low intelligence!
flying thick and fast!

Lily Evans: They're just so COMPLICATED!
You think you know where you are by the third line and then BAM!
It all changes!

James Potter: you are a dastardly, dastardly woman

Lily Evans: So are you using a mnemonic device or what?

James Potter: VILLANY

Lily Evans: Okay MAYBE I'm villainous
But it's all for a good cause!

James Potter: which is?

Lily Evans: Well
Tell me this
Are you wallowing as much as you were a few minutes ago?

James Potter: oh
no, actually
i'm laughing
and plotting my revenge against you, obviously
but mostly i'm laughing

Lily Evans: See?!

James Potter: pretty bloody bold of you to assume you could stop me from wallowing

Lily Evans: I'm powerful in that way.

James Potter: pret-ty bold indeed

Lily Evans: Pret-ty? 

James Potter: it was for emphasis

Lily Evans: I AM pretty, thanks.

James Potter: yeah your icon of nick and jess from new girl is undoubtedly stunning
you must appeal to a wide range of tastes

Lily Evans: And your vocabulary is exceptionally advanced for a huge ginger cat.

James Potter: leave off, bea wants me to marry you, she's definitely shown you pics

Lily Evans: And you've not seen mine? I am literally in her Facebook profile photo with her.

James Potter: yes i have
as nick miller would say, you are two top shelf ladies

Lily Evans: Top SHELF!
We missed out on top shelf!

James Potter: omg
it was sitting right there and we missed it!

Lily Evans: SHAME

James Potter: this is abject failure, this is

Lily Evans: We'd be LAUGHED out of the halls of Mensa for this.

James Potter: tossed out on our arses

Lily Evans: Chased down with pitchforks.

James Potter: and politely asked not to return

Lily Evans: Bit of an anticlimax after the pitchforks, wouldn't you say?

James Potter: they'll use them to stab our topiaries

Lily Evans: STOP

James Potter: lololololol

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Sunday 4th October 2020, 2:56 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: hey
question 4 u
unless you're busy

Lily Evans: I'm at my mum and dad's house, have just had a roast and am slumped in an overstuffed heap on the sofa. Go for it.

James Potter: so if you cast your memory back, you will recall how i told you that i'd been on a date and it was super uncomfortable and that neither of us had a good time and that she couldn't get away from me quickly enough and the insinuation was definitely that i'd never see hattie again, yes?

Lily Evans: I have a memory like a steel trap, so yes.
Also this literally just happened last night.

James Potter: well
i may have been... mistaken
in assuming that she felt the same way

Lily Evans: What???
What happened?

James Potter: i just checked tinder to see if y'know
there was someone out there for me in this crazy old world
and she sent me another message an hour ago saying that she wants to go out again???

Lily Evans: Oh wow.
How are you feeling about that?

James Potter: er, bad i guess?
she said she had a really good time but she CANNOT have had a good time
if that sounds dramatic, it's not, she CANNOT have
she was so disengaged that she might as well have been comatose
it was like talking to a wall
i've had more fun at the dentist

Lily Evans: I mean, at least the dentist has fun informational posters about avoiding gum disease.

James Potter: yeah AND the life cycle of teeth
it is educational if nothing else
i mean, not that i've ever had a bad experience at the dentist
i have exquisitely excellent teeth

Lily Evans: A stealthy humble brag without the humility, I like it.

James Potter: i'm sorry
i know i shouldn't be bothering you with this on a sunday but i'd already told you about hattie and sirius does not care to listen to my woes
sirius is my brother by the way
he's also my best friend
and flatmate
why am i telling you this
it's so unnecessary

Lily Evans: Don't apologise, bruv

James Potter: cheers pal

Lily Evans: I am incredibly un-bothered by all this, honestly.
Plus, I'm invested in the Hattie story.
AND, I know how awkward and weird it can be when something like this happens with someone you've dated and you're not on the same page.
What are you going to do?

James Potter: tell her no i guess??
i have to say something, can't just ignore her
urgh i hate this
first of all i have NOT been in this situation enough times to know what to do
and i hate rejecting people
it's the one reason why i'd never make it as the host of the apprentice

Lily Evans: Really, the ONE reason?

James Potter: i just know that i'm going to say something stupid and piss her off
WHY would she have thought that it went well???

Lily Evans: Maybe you're a really good date even when the mood is off?

James Potter: i am an entertaining and brilliant date but believe me
she did not appreciate that about me last night

Lily Evans: And you didn't give her any reason to think you might be into her, did you?
Like a kiss goodbye or something?
Even on the cheek?

James Potter: god no!
i'm not FRENCH

Lily Evans: What does THAT mean?

James Potter: it means i don't kiss women when i have no intention of seeing them again

Lily Evans: Behaviour that certainly isn't limited to the French, but we don't have time to unpack that.

James Potter: wrong, lily, it starts with them and it ends with them and that's a fact
but more importantly, how am i supposed to explain this to her?
we did not connect on ANY conceivable level but i thought the ONE thing that would be mutually understood between us was that we didn't want to see each other again
now i'm going to have to hurt her bloody feelings and i don't want to hurt her feelings

Lily Evans: Okay, listen.
We can avoid this iceberg together.
AKA my sister is sitting next to me sobbing over Titanic for the five BILLIONTH time right now and if I crack and drown her in my mum's fish pond I cannot be held liable, but more importantly, I can help you.

James Potter: can you??

Lily Evans: Speaking as a woman who has been ghosted before, you have won me over by not wanting to do that to Hattie.
So yes, I want to help.

James Potter: an angel from above, you are

Lily Evans: You just need to be honest and clear with her about where you're at. It might not feel nice at the time, but you're not doing anything wrong if you explain that you just don't feel like you've clicked. 

James Potter: also EXCUSE ME

Lily Evans: It happens all the time and it's never anyone's fault when it does. The alternative is pretending to be into her out of guilt, going out with her again and ultimately hurting her more when she learns that you were just wasting her time.
If she gets angry about it, that's entirely a Her problem, but I'm sure she'll be fine. You went on one date, not twenty.

James Potter: but are you telling me that you have been ghosted before?

Lily Evans: Hasn't everyone?

James Potter: but
hang on
that is unacceptable!
how dare anyone ghost you???!
unless they were tragically killed on the way to your date and are in fact a real ghost
that is the only viable excuse that i will accept
you know what? no
a quick thirty second haunting would have settled the matter
this person is now my nemesis the end

Lily Evans: Omg how did you know that Bernard was the culprit?

James Potter: BERNARD

Lily Evans: He must have de-manifested rather than date me.
The world makes sense again.

James Potter: would that i could go back and unimagine that scoundrel

Lily Evans: hi hattie
it was nice to meet you last night, i think you are a lovely person and i'm truly flattered that you'd like to see me again, but the truth is, my feeling was that we didn't really connect and i don't think we're all that compatible
thank you for taking the time to meet me, i really appreciate it and i wish you all the best

James Potter: ……
that is so much better than what i would have said

Lily Evans: I even left out the caps.

James Potter: i noticed

Lily Evans: And look, it's not like I'm doing your job for you.
All I've done is reword what you've already told me.

James Potter: it looks so simple
written out like that
like obviously that's what i should say!
but i couldn't have thought of it

Lily Evans: Objectivity helps a lot.

James Potter: you're very wise

Lily Evans: I am an objectively fabulous person.

James Potter: i believe you
thank you v much

Lily Evans: You're welcome.
And Hattie will be FINE, I promise.
Just tell her what I suggested, or some variation of it, chalk it up as "just one of those things," eat a sandwich and feel better.

James Potter: excellent advice
i will go and take it right now, thank you
enjoy the rest of titanic, if you can

Lily Evans: I most certainly, emphatically will not.

James Potter: hahahahaha

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Monday 5th October 2020, 10:08 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Hey, how did things go with Hattie?
You never bloody told me!

James Potter: oh!
i'm sorry! i was going to, but i was at my mum and dad's house for sunday lunch and she called us in for dinner and they have a no phones rule at the table so i had to leave it in mum's confiscation basket until i went home and then i was distracted by other stuff
my impertinence is shameful
but i did start your painting last night if that earns your forgiveness 

Lily Evans: Hold the phone

James Potter: i am holding it
that's how i'm texting you

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllll
But seriously, your mum has a confiscation basket?!

James Potter: yes

Lily Evans: What does she...confiscate?

James Potter: phones
my cat, once
sirius's trilby
joke hand buzzers
my dad's high sodium snacks
he's got hypertension so she's justified in that, everything else is just a vicious game she plays
a show of her ultimate power
she's like
imagine if cersei lannister led a happy, well-adjusted life and married the person she wanted and never fucked her brother and also was greek, and you've got my mother

Lily Evans: Incredible, I love her already.

James Potter: you love my mum but you don't love me?

Lily Evans: What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

James Potter: and yours wants martha lannister
i see

Lily Evans: Martha Lannister would have given me the details on Hattie already.
Especially after I gave her such good advice.

James Potter: i was getting to it!

Lily Evans: Then get to it!

James Potter: i told her what you said
it was fine except it took her a little while to, not accept it, but let it go

Lily Evans: What do you mean?

James Potter: well she was saying stuff about how she'd been nervous and stressed about work and not herself and that, and she'd thought it would be worth trying again which was why she asked
but i held firm
unlike the titanic
i told her i just didn't feel a connection
then she was like, okay fine
i doubt i'm her favourite person but she wasn't angry or anything
i did not have a sandwich after because mum had made a roast but i had a bacon sandwich for breakfast today

Lily Evans: Really following my advice to the letter, aren't you?

James Potter: it was fantastic advice

Lily Evans: I'm jealous of your sandwich.
I never have time to make anything before work so it'll be an M&S salad for lunch today again.

James Potter: what do you do
for work, i mean

Lily Evans: Beatrice didn't tell you?

James Potter: i'll be honest with you, she might have
but i deliberately wasn't listening

Lily Evans: That's fair, I barely listened when she talked about you.
Friends trying to set you up with other people is up there on my list of top five mild irritants.

James Potter: that, and people who feel the need to smugly explain a topic that you know everything about

Lily Evans: RIGHT?!
Anyway, I'm a barrister.

James Potter: what, like one of those really clever people who goes to murder trials and wears a wig?

Lily Evans: Hahaha, no.
Aside from the "really clever" part.
I'm working on building a broad common law practice, which means I take instruction in a lot of different areas, but as far as criminal law is concerned, it's mostly driving and public order offences right now.
Don't participate in riots or race your mate down a primary road in a Subaru Impreza, is the best legal advice I can give you on that front. 

James Potter: i promise i will not

Lily Evans: Good boy.
What about you?
Bea said that you're an heir, which explains the Cersei Lannister comparison.

James Potter: HAH
she would say something like that, though
i'd have to be due to inherit my dad's company to be an heir and i would never
dedicating my life to the ins and outs of creating and flogging haircare products would not equal finding my bliss
i am
a small business owner

Lily Evans: Are you going to tell me what the business is or are you setting me up for some sort of guessing game?

James Potter: that would be apt actually
it's an escape room business

Lily Evans: GET OUT

James Potter: that is the general concept of an escape room, yes

Lily Evans: Are you actually serious??
I LOVE escape rooms! What's your company called??

James Potter: maraudering free

Lily Evans: I did a room there with some colleagues like, three weeks ago!!

James Potter: seriously?

We did the wizarding school one!
The guy running it took a photo of us for your Facebook page AND I left a HIGHLY COMPLIMENTARY Tripadvisor review under the name Ruby Raptor so I have proof that I'm not bullshitting you!

James Potter: wait wait wait what date did you go

Lily Evans: Give me a sec, just checking my booking.
September 9th

James Potter: okay i'm looking
looking looking lookingggggg
who ran your room??
i was there that day, i can't believe i didn't see you, why didn't i see you?
i was probably busy with some other room, bloody time wasters

Lily Evans: It was a blonde guy, can't remember his name.

James Potter: that'd be peter

Lily Evans: I can't remember seeing you but tbh, would either of us remember seeing each other at a time when we wouldn't have known to look for each other?

James Potter: probably not
there you are!
46 minutes 12 seconds?? impressive

Lily Evans: And THAT, I will point out, was despite stupid Ed and his complete inability to grasp the fact that a clue once used need not be used again.

James Potter: such a poetic way of putting it
are you going to come back and do another one?

Lily Evans: Yes, definitely I want to do that, but not with anyone from work.

James Potter: you are the only shining light in this photograph of sour looking barrister men, it's true
let me know next time you want to do a room and i'll book you in for free

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: LILY

Lily Evans: You can't keep giving me discounts or not charging me for things!

James Potter: yes i can
i'm an heir
i strut around the palace
i do as i please
the rules don't apply to me

Lily Evans: This is a flagrant abuse of your princely power, this is.

James Potter: just think of it as best mate's girlfriend's best mate who gave me excellent romantic advice—'s rates

Lily Evans: Well, shit.
What do I get if I find you a wife?

James Potter: whatever you damn well want

Lily Evans: Ooh la la

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Tuesday 6th October 2020, 9:52 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: incoming

[picture attachment]

i think it's going well

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god, I love it!
So much!
I'm so excited for this, thank youuuuuuu <3

James Potter: i'm using oils and they're best left to dry slowly so it's going to take me about a week between this and work and other stuff

Lily Evans: Oh god, don't even worry about it, take your time.
I'm so grateful that you're doing this at all.
This is going to WRECK Petunia's present.
Not that I am at all competitive, mind you.
Not that it matters.
Not that I care about these things, of course, as I am very mature and professional.

James Potter: petunia is your sister?

Lily Evans: However did you guess?

James Potter: i picked up on the very subtle theme that links your names

Lily Evans: Stop, before Mensa lets you back in.

James Potter: i hear they give out good swag
you don't get along with her?

Lily Evans: Not really.
It's a contentious relationship.

James Potter: that sounds like barrister talk for "she's awful"

Lily Evans: How DID you crack my code?

James Potter: listen kid
i deal in codes for a living

Lily Evans: Kid?
Suddenly you're a film noir detective?

James Potter: as soon as i can swipe that trilby from mum

Lily Evans: You need an office that I can walk into one rainy day.
Like a lioness walks into a Mongolian sheep farm.

James Potter: she was a redheaded vixen with legs for hours and a temper to match

Lily Evans: I had bad news written all over me.

James Potter: like no dame i'd ever seen before

Lily Evans: Outside, the weather had turned colder than your ex-wife's heart.

James Potter: even colder than johnny "the fish" maroni, who had gone and gotten himself iced

Lily Evans: I was a classy broad.

James Potter: with a lie for every occasion

Lily Evans: Not to brag or anything
But we are fucking hilarious.

James Potter: i agree and i am bragging
whenever you want to start that screenplay

Lily Evans: I'll know exactly who to turn to.
And yes, by the way my sister IS awful and her husband is worse.
Just in case you think I was brushing off your question to avoid the subject.

James Potter: i didn't think that

Lily Evans: It's just that lately, I've been forced to come to terms with the fact that she's pretty emotionally abusive and that's a whole mindfuck to deal with, so I make all these jokes instead of saying yes, she does and says things to me that are cruel and I don't understand why.

James Potter: you don't have to explain
you also don't OWE me an explanation either?
and not just because we barely know each other, i don't think you'd owe that to anyone
i can ask questions and you can not want to answer them and that's cool
i have…… some experience with people who come from emotionally abusive families
it's not exactly easy to talk about

Lily Evans: It can be really exhausting to talk about.
Or think about, even.

James Potter: yeah
of course
family are supposed to have your back, not be like that

Lily Evans: Supposed to.

James Potter: i'm really sorry that your sister treats you like that

Lily Evans: And like, if I'd done something wrong it would be one thing, but I haven't. I really haven't. I'm just trying to live my bloody life, but she hates EVERY single choice I make, she sneers at me because I'm not living in a perfect married suburban bubble like she is and she doesn't seem to be happy unless she KNOWS that something she's said has made me feel like absolute shit.
Like, okay, I told you that I represent a lot of clients charged with driving offences, right?

James Potter: yeah?

Lily Evans: Well, she tells me that I'm "giving a voice to trash" and "enabling chavs" and "putting children in danger" which is just so NOT representative of the real story and SO not the point, it's not my job to get people off scott free if they're actually fucking guilty of wilfully driving dangerously, but she doesn't see that. She acts like I'm taking violent thugs into court and telling them to plead not guilty to everything and laughing with them down the pub when they get off, even though she KNOWS, LOGICALLY, that it doesn't work like that.
She KNOWS that it's not my ambition in life to become some soulless prick who tries to keep violent criminals out on the street, most days I'm in there representing bad luck Brian who was late for his exploitative minimum wage job and still so exhausted from the 14 hour shift he did the day before that he didn't realise how fast he was driving, but talk to her for five seconds and you'd SWEAR I was a friend of the fucking rapists. When all the while her bloody HUSBAND is running the company that exploits its employees and pays them next to nothing and makes them work 14 hour shifts.
Also, and not that this matters, but my last really serious boyfriend broke up with me during my pupillage because I couldn't devote every waking minute of my day to him and I clearly don't need that kind of selfishness in my life, but my sister acts like I drove the love of my life away.
Which is the worst crime im-fucking-aginable to Petunia, who thinks there's no greater tragedy than a woman without a husband.

James Potter: wow

Lily Evans: Urgh, sorry.

James Potter: don't say sorry
she sounds like a bloody nightmare
who even needs a husband anyway?
all they do is fart and refuse to do the dishes and say things like "i'll ask the ball and chain" when their mates ask them round to the pub
i mean, my dad doesn't do that because he worships my mother
but legend has it that other husbands do

Lily Evans: Lol
Yeah, I've heard something similar.

James Potter: i think we can all agree that your shitty ex boyfriend would do all of those things
though i would advise you to at least forgive farting

Lily Evans: LMAO

James Potter: because that's a natural bodily function

Lily Evans: Well, shit.
I really dragged down the tone of the conversation, didn't I?
I'm so sorry, I was so excited about the painting, which I really really REALLY love, and the whole film noir thing was hilarious and you barely even know me but I've gone and cast my dour little shadow anyway.
It's not even something I WANT to talk about and I don't know why I mentioned her, I'm sorry.

James Potter: hey
hey lily?

Lily Evans: Yeah?

James Potter: do you want to see a picture of my cat with a paintbrush and a tiny palette and easel?

Lily Evans: Um, I would like you to shoot a picture of your cat with a paintbrush and a tiny palette and easel INTO MY VEINS, please.

James Potter: [picture attachment]

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD

James Potter: i maintain that algernon could rival da vinci if he had opposable thumbs

Lily Evans: He has competence in his gaze.

James Potter: no honey that's contempt
contempt, see?
for me, the taker of the photo
two very similar words

Lily Evans: Lolllllllllllllll
Thanks for letting me spew at you?
It was weirdly easier to talk to you about this stuff than it is to talk about it with Beatrice or Kingsley.
Maybe because I know they'd both go and bite Petunia's head off if I did.

James Potter: objectivity helps a lot

Lily Evans: Those are very, very wise words, my friend.
Where on earth did you pick those up?

James Potter: from this really brilliant barrister i know

Lily Evans: Well, fancy that.

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Wednesday 7th October 2020, 5:32 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
she messaged me AGAIN

Lily Evans: What????!

James Potter: HATTIE

Lily Evans: WHAT
What did she say??

James Potter: she said "hi" and a bunch of embarrassed face emojis

Lily Evans: The fuuuuuuuuuuuu—
Aokasokgsdpofhksephojserj this WOMAN

i literally went on a date with her and she was bored!
bored out of her mind!
she must have checked her phone like, fifteen times!
this is like
imagine there's a piece of dry toast on your plate
and suddenly it grows legs! and a top hat! and starts dancing to putin on the ritz!
i meant puttin' on the ritz!

Lily Evans: Oh my god
I can't breathe.

James Potter: that was not intended!

Lily Evans: I'm going to need you to Google "Putin on the Ritz" right now.

James Potter: oh
oh no
that is so distressing

Lily Evans: The shirtless ones I can't

James Potter: crackers are dead

Lily Evans: Tell all the influencers.

James Potter: why is there a youtube video?!
and why do i feel compelled to watch the whole thing?

Lily Evans: Do you think this is why memes are illegal in Russia?

James Potter: i mean personally i think it humanises him
as much as any cold, heartless demon CAN be humanised

Lily Evans: Would that all world leaders could ride through the fields on giant Ritz crackers.

James Potter: imagine pride and prejudice
except after darcy gives lizzie the letter
he rides off into the night
on a giant ritz cracker
and lizzie is just like "this is normal"
then goes to tend to her topiaries

Lily Evans: JAMES
I'm trying to focus my energies on your problem right now I'm TRYING
But oh my god
I'm in legitimate pain from laughing.

James Potter: alas, i have undermined the gravity of my own situation

Lily Evans: Slightly!

James Potter: but in all seriousness, how do i respond to that?
be my love guru please, you are so wise and i have no idea what i'm doing

Lily Evans: Mate, you DON'T respond to that.

James Potter: but isn't that ghosting?

Lily Evans: No!
Absolutely not!
You told her very clearly that you didn't feel a connection and wouldn't be making plans to see her again and she SUPPOSEDLY accepted that.
If she messages you again and you don't respond, that's on HER.

James Potter: urgh
this is my fault for not unmatching her immediately after i told her no
but i thought that would seem cold!

Lily Evans: It's not your fault!

James Potter: i was VERY clear with her, i promise!
i copy pasted what you said!

Lily Evans: Look, honestly, I don't blame her for hoping?
You're a very nice person and acted like a gentleman, from the sounds of it, and so many men are such dicks that I imagine it's enough for most of us to meet someone genuine even if the chemistry isn't hopping off the charts.
What I DO blame her for is ignoring your wishes.

James Potter: oh

Lily Evans: NOT that you are not a catch for many other elevated reasons because you are!
And as your official love guru I am determined that you find someone who appreciates that.

James Potter: thank you for saying that i am the catch of the day

Lily Evans: Excuse me sir I did not use that terminology.

James Potter: yes you did it was implied

Lily Evans: Listen kid
I deal in specifics for a living.

James Potter: i have looked it up on wiktionary
just now
and the second definition for "catch of the day" is as follows
"a person who is a popular or desirable choice to be a partner in a prospective marital or romantic relationship"
what am i if not that?

Lily Evans: It also means "a fish."

James Potter: that is cold, lily

Lily Evans: Cold like a fish?

James Potter: okay
so what i have learned today is that you do not like having your words taken out of context

Lily Evans: LOL
What are you going to do about Hattie?

James Potter: do you really think i should ignore her?

Lily Evans: I think you should drop her like a wet shit.

James Potter: lily!
cold as ice!

Lily Evans: Willing to sacrifice?

James Potter: madam please

Lily Evans: She knows the rules!
She is a woman on Tinder, which means she has DEFINITELY had to reject some guy who persisted in pursuing her anyway and that is a CARDINAL sin that she should know better than to commit.
Any response you give is only going to encourage her further.

James Potter: so i should just unmatch her?
that would be so pointed
i really don't want to hurt her feelings

Lily Evans: Hmmm.
Okay, here's your compromise.
Don't reply for now, hope she gets the message, and unmatch her straight away if she tries again.

James Potter: urgh

Lily Evans: You know it makes sense, bruv'nor.

James Potter: did you just......
combine bruv and guv'nor?
to make......bruv'nor?

Lily Evans: I did.

James Potter: you're a genius
a true visionary
you are, in fact, TOO intelligent for mensa
if you did their supervised test
they would check the result and be like
"oh i say, i've never seen a score this high before!"
and then, because there are so many old, egotistical white men in mensa, there'd be a hasty coverup operation because none of them can stand to be outdone by a younger woman

Lily Evans: Well, THIS is easily the nicest thing that anyone's ever said about me.

James Potter: oh
well i believe every word of it

Lily Evans: Thank you??? Like, a lot?
You are incredibly good at giving compliments.

James Potter: and that is why i am the catch of the day, miss barrister sir

Lily Evans: Yes, that is why, you're correct.

James Potter: woohoo!

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Thursday 8th October 2020, 1:15 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: I've been in court all morning and have a mountain of emails to get through and am probably going to be in chambers until really late tonight so obviously I am making my life harder by procrastinating to text you and see if Hattie made another unwelcome appearance.

James Potter: you make her sound like a mouse that got loose in my living room

Lily Evans: She wishes.

James Potter: well, she hasn't sent another message
think i might be in the clear
your job sounds stressful

Lily Evans: It can be!

James Potter: what time do you usually finish at?

Lily Evans: I try to get in at 8 and finish around 6:30 - 7ish, usually?
Much later if I get handed a case that's going to court the next day.
Then I eat dinner and usually spend an hour reading to prepare for tomorrow.

James Potter: that's a really long day

Lily Evans: Yeah.
And to think I chose law over creative writing at uni.
Sure, I'd be much poorer as an unsuccessful aspiring novelist/barista, but I'd probably have more free time.
Give it a decade and I might have more control over my hours, lol.

James Potter: but do you like your job?
that's the most important thing

Lily Evans: Erm.
Here's where I say the thing that makes me hate myself a bit.
I like it, but I don't love it.
I find it really interesting and I really like the work, and if that was just it I'd never ever want to change careers, but work/life balance is SUCH an issue now.
When I was seventeen and deciding what I wanted to study, I did all the research and working these massively long hours didn't seem like that big of a deal, maybe because I had more energy then and I emphatically DIDN'T want to get married and have kids?? Now I'm a few months away from turning twenty-seven and I DO want those things and I'm getting pretty tired of having not much free time, or cancelling plans at the last minute because of work.
Plus, law as a profession is NOT forgiving on long career breaks and don't even get me STARTED on dating.
Bea and Remus are always doing these cute couple things like taking weekends away or going for spontaneous midweek dinners while I'm sat here like, trying to make myself look cute for a mountain of paperwork.

James Potter: i'm sure the paperwork appreciates it?

Lily Evans: Oh my god
All I do is complain at you!
I'm so sorry.

James Potter: no it's fine!
i'm interested
and you're not complaining, you're expressing legitimate concerns
you're entitled to not be 100% thrilled by your job all the time
like, the amount of work you've had to put in just to get where you are is insane
i am a posh privileged wanker who got to open his dream business with a handout from his millionaire daddy and i think you are a bloody superhero for doing what you do

Lily Evans: You still OPENED your own business, though.
I mean, you put in the hard work and (presumably) built the rooms and created the puzzles and, as is now glaringly obvious from all of your artwork, designed the logo and the header and all of the other promo material on your website.

James Potter: i did do those things, yes
but there's still a lot to be said for having a massive safety net waiting underneath you

Lily Evans: Some men in your position use their handouts to buy a string of Mercs and spend their evenings getting trashed in Monte Carlo casinos, slicing up mounds of cocaine with their black Mastercards and passing out drunk on the deck of their yacht but you haven't. You took that money and did something of your own and you're not smugly pretending to be self made.
Unless you have done those things and I am wildly incorrect.

James Potter: mercs = wwe replica championship belts
monte carlo casinos = pirate mini golf
mounds of cocaine = bundt cake
deck of my yacht = super mario bedsheets
otherwise, you're spot on

Lily Evans: You are such a cool person.

James Potter: no YOU are such a cool person!
and you know what, if you wanted to have kids and get married AND work, i bet you could make it happen

Lily Evans: Logically, I know that I could.
I mean, I know that I could have kids and a husband and still work full time, but it's very much a "make your life fit in around your job" situation.
If I do have kids, I don't want them to be something I have to juggle around my job. I want to be fully involved in their lives.

James Potter: that's fair, that's totally fair
i would want to be around my children all the time if i had any

Lily Evans: I mean, zero disrespect to the women who do it, I work with women like that and they are REAL superheroes, but it's not for me.
And I'd still want to have something that was just my own, I wouldn't want to surrender my entire identity to being a mum, but right now I don't know what I'd do for a living instead.

James Potter: fancy running escape rooms?

Lily Evans: YES I'll be there in five minutes.

James Potter: lolololol

Lily Evans: What's that like, though?

James Potter: it's interesting
fun, most of the time, but you get some weirdos
confession, i've been running a room this whole time we've been texting

Lily Evans: Oh my god
Should I be flattered that I took precedence or mad at you for not doing your job?

James Potter: in my defence
it's this bunch of "well actually" smarmy dickheads who came strutting in like
"we're all engineers, we have phds, we don't NEED clues"
so i haven't had much to do

Lily Evans: So they're doing pretty well on their own?

James Potter: oh god no, they're doing terribly
i've offered clues over the intercom four times and they keep refusing
looking at the camera like i'm a piece of shit every time i ask
there are 24 puzzles in this room
they've been in here for 43 minutes
they have solved 3

Lily Evans: This is
Without a doubt
The best news I have ever been given IN MY LIFE.

James Potter: last weekend i had a bunch of kids in the same room
ages 9 - 12
they got out in 51 minutes
at this point they were basically nearly done

Lily Evans: I am BEAMING

James Potter: one of them keeps getting all flustered and shouting "for fuck's sake, clive!"
i don't know why clive is specifically the one in the wrong here

Lily Evans: I mean, for a start, his name is Clive.

James Potter: fair point
but listen, you
you have important emails to catch up with
and as an honourable man i cannot be the reason you wind up stuck at work until super late
so get to it

Lily Evans: But I don't feel MOTIVATED to catch up with my important emails!

James Potter: i worked on your painting more last night
i'll send you a pic of it later if you're good

Lily Evans: Ooh! Ooh! Okay!
I'm going I'm going I'm going!

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Friday 9th October 2020, 10:21 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: OH

James Potter: LMAO you got it too?

Lily Evans: YES

James Potter: okay but THERE IS NOTHING SMALL

Lily Evans: I'M CRYING

James Potter: HOW

Lily Evans: What is WRONG with that woman???!

James Potter: she's running roughshod and remus likes it too much to ask her to stop

Lily Evans: EXCELLENT use of the word "roughshod," my friend.
Or should I say……… x0Xo S0uLmAtE??? x0XO

James Potter: i'm very interested in this past life connection we've got going on

Lily Evans: Oooh yes.
Tag yourself, I was a burlesque performer who died of consumption in Paris in 1900

James Potter: does that make me ewan mcgregor?

Lily Evans: Yes it does, James.

James Potter: no wonder i hate france
but at least we've
come together in this life to "explore past patterns" and experience a "soul revolution?"

Lily Evans: Sooooooooooooooooooo hot.

James Potter: baby this is ALL about sweeping, sudden feelings

Lily Evans: Have you read the bit about crackling electricity?
We should be having crazy sex right now!

James Potter: ey up, get your knickers off, then


James Potter: i know she's your best mate
but beatrice needs better hobbies

Lily Evans: No arguments here, believe me
I don't even believe in astrology
Which she knows!
What exactly is this meant to convince me of?

James Potter: and how the hell did she find my time of birth?!
this needs investigating
brb asking my mum my time of birth

Lily Evans: Okay but while you're doing that
I just checked on the website
And if you fill out your date, time and place of birth and pay £20, you get an instant result that CLAIMS to be from this Sybil Trelawney woman.
But it's INSTANT
And like, twenty-two paragraphs long
I CANNOT conceive of how you'd get a twenty-two paragraph analysis that is completely specific to you INSTANTLY in ANY situation
This is pre-prepared fiction!
I would LOVE to see how many other people got this exact description, really.

James Potter: it's so contradictory too??

Lily Evans: "Both of you are easy-going so arguments are usually rare with this placing" but also "There can be edginess and a tendency to argue easily. You may feel defensive and jittery around one another" MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

James Potter: "on both ego and emotional levels you understand how each other feels about important things. you relate to their moods and they to yours"
and then
next paragraph
"you have a hard time understanding one another's feelings and emotions"

Lily Evans: I'm so sorry, James, but I'm having a hard time understanding how you're feeling about this.

James Potter: well, crap

Lily Evans: I'll just put my knickers back on, in that case.

James Potter: i barely understand how your knickers are feeling about that

Lily Evans: Tbh they seem pretty disengaged from the whole situation.

James Potter: i still can't understand how she got my time of birth
if that even is my time of birth
do i seem like a 9:02 pm kind of person to you?

Lily Evans: I know how she has mine.
She's made one of these star charts for me before.
Insisted upon it.
Then she sent me the chart and the first sentence was, "You are aloof and standoffish."
I was SO offended.

James Potter: hey i'm feeling a bit of indigestion
do you think that's my soul revolution?

Lily Evans: Nah, soul revolutions feel more like a urinary tract infection.
You think your soul is in your chest, but actually...

James Potter: that's where they get you

Lily Evans: Wait
Just noticed
I'm two months older than you?

James Potter: yeah you cougar

Lily Evans: Listen
I have a bloodlusty craving for young flesh

James Potter: much like a real cougar

Lily Evans: Apologies and best wishes.

James Potter: asiojgsoijheodsirhjoeirsjheroijh AGH

Lily Evans: What what???

James Potter: my MOTHER gave her my time of birth!

Lily Evans: lol WHAT????

James Potter: i texted her to ask her what my time of birth was and i just got her response
which was
"oh hello darling, did beatrice send you the compatibility chart?"

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: the TREACHERY

Lily Evans: Why would she even do that?!!!!

James Potter: because she and my dad have a fairytale love story and i was fed on a diet of "it'll happen for you too!" growing up
now she thinks i need to find "the one" or she'll look bad for making false promises to an impressionable child

Lily Evans: I mean, I'm sure your actual happiness must come into it somewhere?

James Potter: here's the stupid thing though
i 100% grew up believing it

Lily Evans: Lol you sap

James Potter: lolololololol

Lily Evans: When did you stop?

James Potter: er
any day now?

Lily Evans: Lolllllllll
That's actually incredibly sweet.
Maybe you need to get back to the Tinder grind? Ward your mother AND Beatrice off?
It's too late for me and my five minutes of free time per week, but you still have a chance!

James Potter: urgh
there's nothing but littered dreams and hatties on tinder

Lily Evans: But where else do people meet people these days?

James Potter: i have no idea
how did people do it in the olden days?

Lily Evans: Idk, arranged marriages?

James Potter: effective
yet patriarchal

Lily Evans: Definitely not ideal.
What you COULD do
(since I'm your love guru and all)

James Potter: i like to imagine you tossing your hair when you say that

Lily Evans: (and, y'know, that objectivity we've been talking about)
Is let me help you with the next girl you match with.
You know, if you get stuck for conversation or can't figure out what she's getting at when you're talking.
Or if she whips out a dead dove during your date and you need an emergency phone call.

James Potter: oh, i was 100% planning on asking for your help

Lily Evans: [picture attachment]

James Potter: lol, is that a very blurry hair toss?

Lily Evans: I'm good to my fans.

James Potter: \o/

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 10th October 2020, 3:35 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: do you remember when you were in the wizard's quest room, there was a regular double-glazed window with a giant sticker on it that said "not part of the game, do not touch" ??

Lily Evans: I do.

James Potter: well i just watched somebody try to punch through it

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: with his whole fist

Lily Evans: But

James Potter: he seemed SURPRISED when he hurt himself
excuse me sir you punched GLASS

Lily Evans: ………it looks out onto the street

James Potter: i can't believe i have to say shit like "please don't punch the window" over the intercom to GROWN ADULTS

Lily Evans: But it looks out onto the street.

James Potter: this person can vote
like, that's something he's allowed to do


James Potter: if he walked into a polling station
nobody would be like "stop"
"this is not the place for you"

Lily Evans: "The ballot paper is not for eating."

James Potter: "please don't take your clothes off in the booth"

Lily Evans: "Take your Conor McGregor neck tattoo and leave."

James Potter: lolololol
i hope you're having a better saturday than i am

Lily Evans: I literally just got home from work.

James Potter: boooooooooooooooooooooo

Lily Evans: I knoooooooowwww, I'm driving MYSELF up the wall.
But I have holiday booked at the end of the month, so I figure I can just crash then.

James Potter: going anywhere nice?

Lily Evans: Nah, I just fancied having some time away from work.
Though I know myself, I'll probably have to lock my laptop away to keep myself from working anyway.

James Potter: i could offer you a coded briefcase to lock it in but i don't want to give you a fun incentive to not relax
and you definitely should relax
do an escape room

Lily Evans: Hahaha

James Potter: no seriously, when are you off?

Lily Evans: October 29th to November 8th, officially.

James Potter: okay so have a think and talk to your mates and let me know when you want to come in

Lily Evans: I will if you let me pay for the room.

James Potter: urgh

Lily Evans: I'll book in under a fake name if you don't.

James Potter: URGH
you're no fun

Lily Evans: Big talk for the man who dated Humdrum Hattie.

James Potter: oh
and on that topic
tinder is out

Lily Evans: Why?

James Potter: because i matched with two girls this morning

Lily Evans: And that's……bad, for some reason?

James Potter: it's just
the effort of having to talk to them
and i'd have to flirt and think of things to say and URGH
even thinking about it is exhausting
i don't even know how to flirt and the only advice sirius ever gave me was "coquettish winks" which i'm pretty sure was a pisstake

Lily Evans: Okay but THIS is why I offered to help.

James Potter: right but HOW would you help with this?

Lily Evans: Easy.
I have nine minutes until my microwave curry is done, which means you have nine minutes to practice charming conversation starters with me.


Lily Evans: They're generally all I have time for.
But anyway
I will assume the role of a woman on Tinder, you start a conversation.
I just need to settle on my character.

James Potter: you don't have free time, you work during holidays, you eat microwave meals
this is very distressing
you deserve better for yourself
you better NOT work during your time off or so help me i will marry you myself and feed you home cooked dinners every night

Lily Evans: DAMN
So grumpy today!

James Potter: lily the guy punched GLASS

Lily Evans: Also that is not any sort of threat.
I have come up with something so let's refocus on the task at hand aka your real future wife.
Just call me: Giselle, 25, dental assistant, London

James Potter: giselle?

Lily Evans: What's wrong with Giselle?

James Potter: giselle and james? james and giselle?
it doesn't work
i'd have nothing in common with a giselle

Lily Evans: It's a placeholder name and also, WHAT?

James Potter: i'm just saying it's unrealistic

Lily Evans: There are women named Giselle!

James Potter: there are formerly animated fashion designers named giselle!

Lily Evans: For god's sake, just play along and say hello!

James Potter: hello

Lily Evans: Omg
You can't just say Hello—new sentence—Giselle!  

James Potter: why not??

Lily Evans: Because it's ominous!
It reads like you took that pause because you needed a moment to allow your murder fantasy to wash over you!

James Potter: that's just how i text!
it was one pause!
what am i supposed to say instead
hello giselle?

Lily Evans: Just leave Giselle out altogether.
You are not making it work.

James Potter: well yeah
because i can't get invested in a giselle
you CHOSE giselle!!!!
i didn't want giselle YOU wanted giselle!

Lily Evans: Then forget Giselle, Giselle is dead, she was killed by someone else who enjoys pausing between words.
Hi there I'm Lily I'm twenty-six I'm a barrister I live in London and I like long walks on the beach GO.

James Potter: do you?

Lily Evans: Do I what?

James Potter: like long walks on the beach?

Lily Evans: Yeah, I love the beach.
Really I love being around water but ponds and rivers are a no on account of my frog phobia.
The beach, though, makes me really happy.

James Potter: my parents have a house in crete and it's right on the beach
except they only go there twice a year so mostly me and my mates use it
remus and bea were planning to go next summer
you should go too

Lily Evans: And third wheel it with the Addams Family?

James Potter: i'll go too and then you won't be
and it has to be better than spending a week in your flat, hiding from your laptop so you won't be tempted to work

Lily Evans: You are TOO generous.

James Potter: no i'm not
it's not like i offered to carry you there on my back, you'd have to book a flight
i am totally motivated by selfishness, if you go then i will also get to go and not third wheel it with the addams family so i'm the real winner in this scenario

Lily Evans: You gave Remus the deposit for his house!

James Potter: yeah and it was selfish

Lily Evans: HOW?

James Potter: because beatrice always puts after eights on my pillow when i stay in the guest room
so again
who is the real winner here?

Lily Evans: Um, still Remus?
This is a problem you have and I suggest antibiotics.

James Potter: sounds to me like you feel guilty when people are generous and you can't be equally generous back
so you tell me off instead
but the way i see it, remus deserves a house, you deserve a holiday, i deserve chocolates on my pillow and i can make that happen, so why not?

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: tell me i'm wrong

Lily Evans: You're not, Mr. Pop Psychology.
But we're supposed to be practicing talking to women on Tinder right now.

James Potter: oh yeah

Lily Evans: So can we get to it?

James Potter: yes
yes i'm ready

Lily Evans: Okay, go for it.

James Potter: hey there good lookin'

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: be the ritz cracker to my russian president?

Lily Evans: Oh my GOD

James Potter: did u know
that i am the king
of the mean streets of belgravia

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: do u like to go on top(iary)? ;D ;D


James Potter: what?!
that's definitely how i open conversations!

Lily Evans: I am actually going to kill you.

James Potter: hey i seem to have misplaced my soul in a past life
you didn't happen to pick it up, did you?

Lily Evans: I'm going to hunt you down, having found a suitable alibi, stab you with a pre-prepared, handily sharpened icicle, which will then melt, leaving behind no trace of evidence

James Potter: lollllllllllll i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!!!
i'll be serious, look
hi lily
i'm james
i think you're interesting and clever
and funny
a giver of excellent advice
CLEARLY unattainably gorgeous
and yes, poisoning yourself on the regular with radioactive curries, but we all have our crosses to bear

Lily Evans: My GOD
What IS it with you and this curry?

James Potter: never mind that now, you'll ruin the romance
no pressure but i'd really like to talk to you more
would you like to talk to me yes/no?

Lily Evans: Hmmmmm

James Potter: ????????

Lily Evans: Hmmmmmmmmm

James Potter: ???????????

Lily Evans: Still needs work.

James Potter: WOW

Lily Evans: We'll start again.


Lily Evans: This is tough love, James, suck it up.

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Sunday 11th October 2020, 9:18 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Would I be a terrible person if I pulled a sickie to get out of Sunday lunch with my parents?
And before you render your judgement please know that I would need to get a train to and from Leicester, plus the tube, and I'm not feeling too hot right now even though I'm not technically "sick."

James Potter: oh
i know what this is

Lily Evans: ???

James Potter: so what are we dealing with?
the uncontrollable urge to weep?
hit me with it i'm a big tough boy

Lily Evans: ………… 

James Potter: my mum says that each one is like a snowflake
in the sense that they can all feel different
not delicate and pretty
a murder snowflake

Lily Evans: HOW did you
I didn't even SAY

James Potter: i'm a wizard
also i was with remus in waitrose last night and he put tampons in his basket

Lily Evans: And?

James Potter: and whenever beatrice tries to sell you to me she says "we're synced up!" as if that'll be the deciding factor

Lily Evans: What are you, Sherlock Holmes?

James Potter: no, i am a nice person
but for the record
i would 100% support you pulling a sickie
and strongly maintain that you are definitely not a bad person even if you felt great and didn't have to work 65 hours a week

Lily Evans: 65 hours a week is an exaggeration.

James Potter: oh god i'm so sorry
64 hours a week

Lily Evans: Shut uuuuuppppp!

James Potter: rude!

Lily Evans: Okay, so you're RIGHT.

James Potter: naturally

Lily Evans: And I am going to cancel my visit.
Right now.
My mum won't mind. I go there every Sunday.
Dad and Petunia will, but Petunia minds everything.
Petunia would mind if I eradicated poverty.
Whatever way I did it, I wouldn't have done it right.

James Potter: every sunday?
every? sunday?
so you work monday to saturday

Lily Evans: Sometimes I don't work Saturdays!

James Potter: so you work most saturdays

Lily Evans: Most Saturdays.

James Potter: and every sunday you take a train to and from leicester to hang out with your abusive sister and watch titanic while she lampoons you with insults just because?

Lily Evans: It sounds bad when you say it like that!

James Potter: where is your time for you?!
did you at least relax yesterday evening?

Lily Evans: Well

James Potter: LILY

Lily Evans: I'd already promised my friend Mary that I'd help her move out of her flat!

James Potter: LILY EVANS

Lily Evans: I don't KNOW, I'm sorry!

James Potter: take some time for yourself, woman!
haven't you heard of self care??

Lily Evans: I just did! I cancelled Sunday lunch!
Aha! Take that, sucker!

James Potter: this is literally the opposite of the burn you think it is
i am clearly very happy that you've done this

Lily Evans: Omg I have a whole day free!
What should I do?

James Potter: rob a bank

Lily Evans: And how do I do that, exactly?

James Potter: so you walk into the bank
guns akimbo
and shout "stick em up!"

Lily Evans: I didn't realise that you were advising me to rob the old county bank in South Dakota 1869.

James Potter: reckoned it'd be quicker than finding an old prospector to lead us to wealth

Lily Evans: "There be gold in them hills!"

James Potter: i'm laughing really hard

Lily Evans: The real challenge will be avoiding rattler bites.

James Potter: and runaway mine carts

Lily Evans: This is the SECOND time we've ripped a movie genre.

James Potter: i know
what do you think your wild west name would be?
i think i'd be james "the ace" potter

Lily Evans: Why "the ace"?

James Potter: no it's "The Ace"

Lily Evans: Excuse me?

James Potter: you would capitalise it

Lily Evans: But you wouldn't?

James Potter: do i capitalise anything?

Lily Evans: You have capitalised on my weakened state in an attempt to get away with this nonsense.

James Potter: i think you'd be lily "the blade" evans
because your wit's so sharp

Lily Evans: You think you can flatter me into agreeing with you, but you can't.

James Potter: yeah i can though
i absolutely can
like it's not even hard
you're clever and you like being told

Lily Evans: You need to stop watching Dr. Phil for psychology tips.

James Potter: WRONG i get them from my mum

Lily Evans: Your mum who confiscates cats and gave your personal information to my demonic nuisance best friend?

James Potter: he climbed into that basket of his own volition and it's not like she breached dpd
the point is my mum is clever
very clever
and she loves it when other people TELL her that she's clever, it means her cleverness is so undeniable that it is observed and acknowledged by others
i reckon you're the same

Lily Evans: And if I am.
What about it?

James Potter: nothing i think it's great

Lily Evans: So basically I remind you of your mother?

James Potter: yeah in some ways
and then not at all in others

Lily Evans: What do you mean?

James Potter: she's just very
but not in a good way
like, you know how you offered to help me figure out what to say to women on tinder?

Lily Evans: Yeah?

James Potter: well, if i asked mum to help me with that, she would want to see the conversations
like she'd need to know everything, the exact wording
also she has set me up on blind dates before
or sometimes we'll be places and she'll just "happen" to introduce me to the daughter of someone she or dad knows

Lily Evans: Fuck, that's a lot.

James Potter: yeah
and don't get me wrong, i love my mum!

Lily Evans: Of course.

James Potter: she is really supportive and has boosted me up my whole life and she trusts me completely
which is a weird thing to say about your parent but it really makes a difference
even when i was 16 and took a taxi home drunk at 3am and was rolled out onto the ground by sirius and she came outside and caught us
she's never ever ever not trusted me
it's just this ONE thing
she's so desperate to help me find the one like she and dad found each other
it's like she can't help herself

Lily Evans: Well, she can help herself.
That's a choice she's making.
Also, you don't have to justify your criticism of your mum by jumping to point out all of her good qualities, either.
It's basically what you said about my job, you're allowed to not be 100% happy with her all the time.
Have you talked to her about it?

James Potter: NO
i wouldn't even know how to start
dunno if you'd noticed but i'm really good at talking until there are actual stakes involved and then i'm not

Lily Evans: What about the girls you've dated?
Haven't they had a problem with her interference?

James Potter: idk
mum's very strong willed
i've had two properly serious girlfriends and they definitely didn't like it but they both kind of...went along with her
maybe they wanted her to like them, i dunno
and it shouldn't have been up to them to stand up to her anyway
but then after each breakup it turned out that mum hadn't liked either of them so what was the point?
i suppose it bothers me a lot that she sticks her nose in like that

Lily Evans: What does your father think about it? And your brother?

James Potter: i'd never tell them this
but dad and sirius both think everything mum does is right and perfect
sirius especially won't hear a word against her
plus, she's my mum

Lily Evans: Which complicates things in itself. I get it.

James Potter: what would you do if you were me?

Lily Evans: I'd shout, "Woohoo, I'm rich!"
But then I'd talk to my mother.

James Potter: and say what?
that's my problem
just getting into it
explaining what the issue is
i've sort of mentioned it before when she's set me up on a date or whatever, but it never really sinks in

Lily Evans: Okay
First of all, I would set aside time to speak to her privately. Let her know you want to have a conversation.
I wouldn't just blurt it out while she was trying to convince you to meet some girl for dinner, otherwise it seems super reactive and that just puts the other person on the defensive.

James Potter: that makes sense

Lily Evans: Tell her that you appreciate her good intentions and love her very much, but you feel it's time to establish some boundaries around your dating life.
That her actions, though she obviously doesn't intend it, cause you stress and place unnecessary pressure on your relationships—because of course they would, if you enter every one knowing that your mother has everything riding on it. If the relationship fails, YOU will inevitably feel like you're also letting her down and that should not be your primary concern when you're already dealing with the pain of a breakup.

James Potter: i did feel that way! i have!
in the past, i mean
obviously not with hattie, mum didn't know about her

Lily Evans: Also, you could tell her that your past girlfriends haven't liked her interference, but didn't speak up because they were worried about being disliked, which would naturally put you in a really difficult position of needing to agree with your partner when she complains about your mother behind her back. Which, obviously, you don't want to do, because you like your mother.
Aside from all of that, you're entitled to your privacy?
You clearly love and admire your mum, so if there was something she needed to know, I'm sure you'd tell her.

James Potter: i would
i just don't want to tell her everything

Lily Evans: So tell her that. It's not unreasonable.
You said she trusts you, right?
Well, you're not sixteen and drunk anymore, you're a grown man with a significantly wiser head on his shoulders, so that trust now has to extend to letting you make your own choices, which includes finding your own girlfriend.
She needs to trust that she raised you well enough to choose someone who will treat you with respect and make you happy.

James Potter: how do you make all of this sound so simple?
first hattie and now my mum?

Lily Evans: I'd be pretty shit at my job if I couldn't reason with people.

James Potter: i know
but no other barristers have helped me through my personal issues recently

Lily Evans: You've literally talked me through two crises and I've known you for less than two weeks.

James Potter: but not with expert advice and guidance!

Lily Evans: Just with empathy and understanding and kindness, nbd

James Potter: forget that
you are clearly a higher being
a genius
a wise owl
a cunning fox
a sharp...fang?

Lily Evans: For fuck's sake, Clive!
Now I AM flattered.

James Potter: told you
you're clever and you like when other people notice
don't compliment me or anything it's fine
i'll just wither and die like a disbelieved fairy

Lily Evans: You have exquisitely excellent hair.

James Potter: wow
that was IMMEDIATE

Lily Evans: Thanks, I had it stored up.

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Monday 12th October 2020, 9:12 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: so
a thing happened yesterday
that i feel you should know about

Lily Evans: When yesterday?

James Potter: after we watched enola holmes and you went for your second nap

Lily Evans: I watched it again after I woke up.

James Potter: i knew you would you dork

Lily Evans: Oh, so I'M a dork.
Says the man who sleeps on a pixelated Italian plumber.

James Potter: it's-a me, hypocrisy!

Lily Evans: LOL
You liked it too!

James Potter: i did!
not enough to immediately watch it again, dork

Lily Evans: And your childhood crush on Princess Peach was super super cool?

James Potter: WRONG i never had a childhood crush on princess peach
i had a crush on mary poppins
and misty from pokemon

Lily Evans: I'll just remind you
You've called me a dork TWICE in the past two minutes

James Potter: you know, i had something to tell you that didn't involve you lampooning my confidence, thanks

Lily Evans: Not what was happening, but sure.

James Potter: so ANYWAY
while you were napping
i worked on the painting for a few hours
in fact i am very close to finished

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Potter: and THEN
i took your advice and talked to one of the girls i matched with on tinder

Lily Evans: OOH RLY?

James Potter: and it was
not terrible

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!
We'll take Not Terrible!

James Potter: so her name is claudia
she supports arsenal
and crochets??
and she likes cats

Lily Evans: A bruv after my own heart.

James Potter: she really liked my pics of algernon too so that's good
and she seems really nice
so yeah, i dunno
we'll see how it goes i guess
so thank you for your help with that

Lily Evans: You are so very welcome.
What else are your best mate's girlfriend's mates for?

James Potter: bants, innit?

Lily Evans: I can't believe you just said "bants"

James Potter: the bants are high quality tho

Lily Evans: Ours are the Thierry Henry of bants, it's true.

James Potter: hey!
look at that reference!
proud of you miss doolittle

Lily Evans: I may have been Googling some Arsenal facts for my own edification. hate France, yes?

James Potter: i know where this is going

Lily Evans: But your favourite team's most iconic player in the last 20 years is French and they had a French manager for most of your life…… 

James Potter: i can forgive it for the sake of football

Lily Evans: Football over principles, I see?

James Potter: basically
but i want to talk more about our screenplay

Lily Evans: What screenplay?

James Potter: the one i briefly mentioned in passing on tuesday
i came up with an idea and fine tuned the details
this will be the big career change you need to get married and have kids and work your own hours and have it all as you so richly deserve

Lily Evans: And you thought of this in between painting and chatting up Tinder Claudia?

James Potter: i didn't chat up tinder claudia, i chatted TO tinder claudia
but otherwise, correct
so the title would be "the ace and the blade"

Lily Evans: Why do you get to come first?
No wait
I meant go first, why does your NAME get to go first.
That wasn't a sex joke!

James Potter: beatrice definitely just sat up and started sniffing the air somewhere

Lily Evans: My god.
If I get a text from her about you in the next five minutes I'm going to die.
I am deeply ashamed of myself.

James Potter: you should be, butting into my affairs like that

Lily Evans: No, I mean I'm ashamed of myself for asking a man if he comes first as if there's more than one answer to that question.

James Potter: excuse me you cynical boor
i never come first

Lily Evans: LOL
No wait

James Potter: yes really!
it's a rule

Lily Evans: So……every time you have sex?

James Potter: i sort her out first

Lily Evans: EVERY TIME?

James Potter: well it's good manners, lily

Lily Evans: No but EVERY time?

James Potter: and it feels better after

Lily Evans: Every time
EVERY time, though?

James Potter: YES every time

Lily Evans: So how would you
You know what?
We need to halt this conversation before Bea turns up at my flat with a diaphragm and a bottle of Graham Norton rosé for me to use, "y'know, with that special someone wink wink"

James Potter: graham norton makes wine now?!

Lily Evans: It's actually pretty nice.

James Potter: i thought he only made excellent conversation!

Lily Evans: So this screenplay idea, hmm?

James Potter: oh
so NOW you want to hear it?

Lily Evans: Yes I do and let's skate over why.

James Potter: well, i figure the premise would be this:
genre switching

Lily Evans: And by that, you mean…… 

James Potter: i mean every episode we switch genres and solve a crime together
our characters have an overarching storyline that remains consistent, all of the supporting cast are played by the same actors
but every episode we're in a different period of time and we never seem to notice and it's never explained why
one episode it's the wild west
the next it's film noir
the next it's like a poirot murder mystery and that's the only episode where a crime DOESN'T happen
because of subversion
the next it's jane austen times

Lily Evans: The Regency era had a name, James.
It was the Regency era.

James Potter: but no matter where we are, you are always called "the blade" by others because of your wit
and i am always called "the ace"

Lily Evans: Why?

James Potter: i think you can guess why

Lily Evans: I thought we agreed to move this conversation AWAY from your sexual prowess?

James Potter: yeah and we did move away
i am the ace because i am unbeaten in the game of snap

Lily Evans: Oh god.
Of course that would be the reason.
Sorry, I have no idea where my brain's at today, all of that nice relaxation energy from yesterday was wiped out by work and I'm super frazzled.
Earlier I was on the tube and I just...forgot what stop I had to get off at.

James Potter: are you sure you're not just a perve?

Lily Evans: Well damn, you got me, what are you wearing?

James Potter: jeans and a hoodie

Lily Evans: Hot.

James Potter: perve

Lily Evans: Sorry.

James Potter: you sound it

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: sorry if i bothered you or anything by texting, if you're tired

Lily Evans: Noooooo, you didn't!
You are cheering me up vastly, I love this idea.
So what kind of martial arts expertise am I packing?

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: In our tv show.

James Potter: oh!
how comfortable are you with nunchuks?

Lily Evans: I've never touched one before in my life.

James Potter: good start!

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Tuesday 13th October 2020, 8:03 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Blargh I only just got home.
How was your day?

James Potter: really good, thanks
i was just about to text you, actually
how was yours?

Lily Evans: BUSY, but very, very productive and I got handed a pretty interesting unfair dismissal case AND I got to watch stupid Ed cry out in pain because he accidentally sat down on his own balls.
Apparently they start to droop at some point as one advances towards their twilight years.

James Potter: and with that horrifying prospect dancing around in the back of my brain
guess what?

Lily Evans: Your favourite topiary was lying strewn across the floor when you stepped out onto your balcony this morning and you suspect foul play?

James Potter: how dare you suggest that i play favourites with my topiaries
and it would be feline play
that i suspected
nobody's out to get me more than algernon's out to get me
look at this

[picture attachment]

Lily Evans: He looks adorable.

James Potter: he looks MENACING

Lily Evans: No, he looks adorable.

James Potter: lily he is wearing a monocle!
the classic villain's accessory!

Lily Evans: And you're expecting me to believe that he put it on himself?

James Potter: he could have

Lily Evans: With what?

James Potter: .

Lily Evans: I'm waiting.

James Potter: with a series of rigs and pulleys

Lily Evans: You know how Beatrice believes that hack psychic who said we knew one another in a past life?

James Potter: yeah?

Lily Evans: Well, I am GENUINELY starting to suspect that you are the reincarnated spirit of a hyperactive children's TV presenter who accidentally drowned in a dunk tank of neon green slime.

James Potter: and what were you, the slime that killed me?

Lily Evans: Yes, James.
I was that famously sentient being, hydroxyethyl cellulose.

James Potter: you googled that, didn't you?

Lily Evans: Prove I did.

James Potter: prove that algernon didn't put that monocle on himself

Lily Evans: I don't need to prove something that blatantly didn't happen!
But I did Google it.
I couldn't possibly lie to you, it feels wrong.

James Potter: thank you, i've been through enough heartache already
what with the drowning and all

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllllllllllll

James Potter: and i did have news for you
i finished the painting


James Potter: yup
today's my day off, so
finished it this afternoon


James Potter: [picture attachment]

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: damn, i knew you'd hate it

Lily Evans: LOLLLL
I love it, I love it, I love it SO much, my mother's going to love it and I'm so JEALOUS that she'll get to keep this in her house!
The stars the colours the trees the couple on the bench the REFLECTION ON THE GROUND the WATER the FOUNTAIN the HANGING LANTERNS THE WHOLE THING IS MY FAVOURITE I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

James Potter: i'm so glad you like it
was shitting myself a bit, can't lie

Lily Evans: HOW could you have thought for even a SECOND that I wouldn't like it???
I hate to be the one to tell you this but you are the most talented person IN THE WORLD.
And I literally JUST told you that I can't lie to you so you BETTER believe me or else.

James Potter: or else what?

Lily Evans: Or else I will assume my true form of hydroxyethyl cellulose and come at you with everything I've got.

James Potter: and speaking of that
when do you want this dropped off?

Lily Evans: Oh, I can pick it up at yours if you want?
You've already painted it, you shouldn't have to deliver it as well.

James Potter: you can pick it up if you like
i just figured it'd be easier since i have a car so i could just drive it to...wherever you happen to be?

Lily Evans: Colliers Wood

James Potter: colliers wood, right
and see, do you really want to get the tube from colliers wood to knightsbridge and then from knightsbridge to colliers wood with a painting?
switching trains multiple times with a painting?

Lily Evans: I mean, I'll have to take it on the train to Leicester.

James Potter: avoiding toppling topiaries as you walk to my house?
dodging my cat's vicious swipes?

Lily Evans: Your cat wouldn't swipe me.

James Potter: my cat swipes everyone, lily

Lily Evans: Your cat WOULDN'T swipe me.

James Potter: and i'm going to be honest with you
beatrice and my mother have been
as you know
and if sirius knows you're coming here to pick up the painting he will definitely tell my mum and she will definitely come here to look at you and make untrue assumptions

Lily Evans: OH!

James Potter: right

Lily Evans: Yeeeeah, let's just...avoid that whole mess.

James Potter: a wise decision

Lily Evans: I'm going to be pretty slammed at work all week, BUT
I'm not working on Saturday because I'm leaving for Leicester in the afternoon. Her birthday dinner is that night. If you're free you could swing by in the morning?
If that doesn't work or if that's cutting it too fine I could pick it up from your work some night during the week?

James Potter: the benefit of being my own boss is that i can schedule myself to be free on saturday morning
what time?

Lily Evans: Well I have to leave the house at 11:30, so sometime before then?

James Potter: is quarter to 11 okay?

Lily Evans: Yeah that's perfect, I'll be mostly ready to go by then.

James Potter: i'll bring it wrapped up so you can take it straight on the train

Lily Evans: I'll...try to refrain from ripping the wrapping off so I can admire it then and there.
By the way, what kind of phone do you have?

James Potter: iphone 11

Lily Evans: Cool cool, am pinning and sending you my address in Maps.

James Potter: you can DO that?

Lily Evans: Um, yes?

James Potter: that's amazing!
and it shows up with this handy little pin marker, too!
the wonders of modern technology!

Lily Evans: Mate, what are you using your phone to DO most days?

James Potter: text you and uncover santa's whereabouts

Lily Evans: that tracks

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Wednesday 14th October 2020, 12:33 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: are you busy?
i'm going to assume yes

Lily Evans: Actually, you've caught me on my lunch.

James Potter: should i leave you to enjoy it?

Lily Evans: James

[picture attachment]

How well do you think I can enjoy this?

James Potter: that is
a very sad looking salad

Lily Evans: That is a pre-boxed Waldorf salad with THREE walnuts in it, James.
In the whole salad.
There were three walnuts.

James Potter: you know i always thought it was called a waldorf salad because there were walnuts in it but i couldn't explain the dorf and then it turns out it was named after some hotel

Lily Evans: They had the audacity to put THREE walnuts in the salad that can basically be DEFINED as the salad that has walnuts in it.

James Potter: that is misleading the consumer and i will get my best legal guys on it asap

Lily Evans: Who exactly are your best legal guys?

James Potter: um

Lily Evans: Oh, you charmer.
Anyway I am very distressed about this salad, please distract me.

James Potter: with pleasure
i came armed with distractions, as it happens

Lily Evans: Do share.

James Potter: okay so
you know how you said that you like long walks on the beach?

Lily Evans: I mean, the length of the walk itself is not so much a sticking point, as long as I get to BE on a beach.

James Potter: but what kind of beach are we talking
you know
would you be more of a pebble beach person
volcanic beach?
white sand beach?

Lily Evans: And you need the answer to this question why?

James Potter: for the baywatch themed episode of the ace and the blade

Lily Evans: ……what?

James Potter: not the dwayne johnson movie

Lily Evans: Again, what?

James Potter: so baywatch is this crap show from the olden times
it's about these people who run in slow motion and fight sharks and electric eels
i think they might be lifeguards
or supermodels posing undercover as lifeguards
anyway my mother is obsessed with baywatch
i was on the phone to her this morning and the theme song was playing in the background
inspiration struck

Lily Evans: I do know what Baywatch is.
It debuted five years before we were born, by the way.
So if we could cool it on the "olden times" talk I would definitely appreciate that.

James Potter: david hasselhoff is in it

Lily Evans: Yes babe, I knew that also.
I'm still not quite sure what my beach preference has to do with this, though?

James Potter: well i think the episode should be blade centric
i'm thinking that she has a whirlwind love affair with a lifeguard who confesses his undying love at the end of the episode and asks her to stay at the beach with him permanently
sometime after she single-handedly fights off a megalodon 

Lily Evans: Naturally.

James Potter: anyway, blade seriously considers staying because she is in love with the lifeguard and also the beach can offer her the simple, peaceful life that she has so long craved

Lily Evans: She LITERALLY just fought a megalodon and she's envisioning a peaceful life on this beach?

James Potter: ultimately, she turns him down for her job

Lily Evans: Her job of being a genre-hopping crime solver?

James Potter: she ignores the pull of her heart and the crash of waves on the sandy (or pebbled) shore
bids her lifeguard lover a tearful goodbye as the sun sets
because the job is her REAL first love

Lily Evans: I feel simultaneously seen and attacked.

James Potter: anyway, what kind of beach?

Lily Evans: This is SUCH a strange conversation.

James Potter: yeah and your waldorf salad had three walnuts in it
sometimes a day throws you multiple curveballs

Lily Evans: Okay, damn!
Go with a tropical beach.

James Potter: by tropical beach, you mean…?

Lily Evans: You know, blue sea and white sand and palm trees and cocktails in hollowed-out coconuts and Peter Andre's "Mysterious Girl" playing in the background, but unironically?
I've never been abroad, but that's my dream holiday destination.

James Potter: wait
never ever?

Lily Evans: Well, no, I tell a lie.
I've been to Ireland but that doesn't really count because my mum's Irish so it's basically like going to my second home.
I've never been on a proper holiday abroad.

James Potter: wow
not to sound like a spoiled rich wanker
which i realise i do
but wow
i'm sad that you haven't had this experience

Lily Evans: It's not that I can't afford it, it's just that finding the time is hard!

James Potter: you literally have time off at the end of this month

Lily Evans: And where am I supposed to go to find a sunshine beach at the end of October?

James Potter: there is an entire southern hemisphere
on this planet
right now
please do not tell me that you forgot the southern hemisphere

Lily Evans: So how are things going with Claudia?

James Potter: they're going pleasantly, she likes japanese food and crossfit
but why are you changing the subject?

Lily Evans: Because I made an argument with insecure footing and unearned confidence, and I Don't Like That For Myself.

James Potter: there were other arguments available

Lily Evans: I'm aware.

James Potter: what about "i don't have a passport"

Lily Evans: I do have one, I just don't use it.

James Potter: but how would i know that?

Lily Evans: What if I left it sitting out when you dropped off the painting?

James Potter: why would you leave it sitting out if you specifically did not want me to know you had a passport?
and also
argument 2
doesn't beatrice usually make a big production out of her birthday?

It definitely has nothing to do with me not wanting to take my first proper overseas holiday alone.

James Potter: going away alone can be fun though
so i've heard from sirius who does it sometimes
i am a people person, you see
also if i went a day without attention i would die

Lily Evans: You can travel alone and still interact with people who are at your destination, you know.

James Potter: yes but i SPECIFICALLY need attention from people i know and have a relationship with

Lily Evans: I mean, you definitely wouldn't DIE without that attention

James Potter: i would instantly pass away, in fact

Lily Evans: Oh, instantly? You'd INSTANTLY pass away?

James Potter: or fall into a coma at least

Lily Evans: You'd take a very long nap, is what you're saying?

James Potter: oh, you talk the talk, but do you have a medical degree to support you in your mockery of my very legitimate condition?

Lily Evans: I have logic to back that up.

James Potter: oh okay
and that part of the earth that sits below the equator
what's that called again?

Lily Evans: And your "condition" is called what exactly?

James Potter: it's called vigilantes de la playa syndrome and it's real and very serious and it was discovered by expensive swiss doctors in a major research facility



Lily Evans: WHY

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Thursday 15th October 2020, 10:39 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Do you think I could order £30 worth of Chinese food for dinner and keep my dignity along with it?

James Potter: yes
this is late to be thinking about dinner, though
stayed late in chambers again?

Lily Evans: Yeeeesssss, but I was so fried when I got home that I ignored my reading and got distracted by a movie instead, so really it's my own fault that I'm ordering dinner so late.

James Potter: what movie?

Lily Evans: Um

James Potter: enola holmes AGAIN?

Lily Evans: NO

James Potter: i don't believe you

Lily Evans: Shame on you then.
Because I CONSIDERED watching it, then decided to watch something else.

James Potter: so what did you watch?

Lily Evans: Well

James Potter: BAYWATCH

Lily Evans: NOT the Dwayne Johnson Baywatch!
The original 1989 TV movie that preceded the series.
And then MAYBE two episodes after that?

James Potter: oh my god
this is amazing
i've corrupted you
you're done for
goodbye, the lily i knew

Lily Evans: It's so bad!

James Potter: i know!

Lily Evans: The best part of the show is the fucking theme song!

James Potter: I'LL BE READY

Lily Evans: I'LL BE READY

James Potter: NEVER YOU FEAR

Lily Evans: NO, DON'T YOU FEAR
Also WHY is David Hasselhoff's shirt always hanging open?!
I do not care to see it! I REALLY do not care to see it!
There's—oh my GOD
There's a character called CRAIG and I just need to rant about this for a second because my god.

James Potter: lololololololol

Lily Evans: Craig is this, like, fucking LAWYER GUY who is tired of doing work for soulless corporations, or whatever, I don't really care what his motivations are, don't care about him, can barely even remember his face.
But at the end of episode 2, Craig decides to quit his job at the firm and start his own practice from home whilst working full time as a lifeguard.
Full time, James
As a lifeguard
Which we are meant to believe leaves him with AMPLE TIME to start and run a law firm from his fucking living room.
Whilst lifeguarding full time.

James Potter: lolllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Lily Evans: He was all "I'll have my own clients!"

James Potter: this is the best thing to happen to me all day, thank you

Lily Evans: Look, I am very steamed up about this, clearly I need to calm down.

James Potter: or you could order dumplings

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: dumplings are also steamed

Lily Evans: ………you are SO weird.

James Potter: i know

Lily Evans: But dumplings DO sound good?

James Potter: i know that too

Lily Evans: So maybe I should order them?

James Potter: maybe you should

Lily Evans: I'll add them to my order.

James Potter: that's my girl

Lily Evans: Have you just……put a spell on me or something?

James Potter: what d'you mean?

Lily Evans: I do feel calmer now.
How did you do that?

James Potter: it's probably because i'm feeling a sense of indelible calm myself right now, and you're getting some of that energy

Lily Evans: You don't seem like an "indelible calm" sort of person.
I've kind of been picturing you as a person who finds it really hard to keep still.

James Potter: normally i am
something sort of cool happened to me an hour ago

Lily Evans: Which was?

James Potter: i got asked out on a date

Lily Evans: ????????
What, really?!

James Potter: why yes it's true
i, a man
got asked out by claudia, a woman
for this saturday night

Lily Evans: That's so fast!???
When did you first start talking to her? Sunday?

James Potter: i know
we haven't even talked as much as hattie and i had before we decided to meet up
but she just messaged me earlier like "when are we doing this?" so i guess she must be into me

Lily Evans: And what did you say?

James Potter: honestly i almost said no at first
i've never been the one being asked out on tinder before
normally that's something that i have to do
and it WAS fast
so i was freaking out for a bit, but then i thought about you and figured you'd advise me to go for it
so i said yes
now we're having dinner on saturday
it's so strange

Lily Evans: And surprising.
I mean, it's NOT surprising that she wants to go out with you, I meant to say that I'm surprised by how swiftly she moved.

James Potter: yeah

Lily Evans: You really are the catch of the day, lol.
She must have realised that she needed to snap you up quickly.

James Potter: lol i suppose so
this is SO weird

Lily Evans: Yeah

James Potter: yeah

Lily Evans: But good!

James Potter: right, yeah!
and i'm definitely feeling good about being asked out because that's always flattering

Lily Evans: I mean, yeah.
Of course.
And of course she asked you out! You're so great!

James Potter: thanks!

Lily Evans: I'm so happy for you!
If she turns out to be The One, remember to thank me for my services at your wedding.

James Potter: will do, boss

Lily Evans: OH
Can I tell Beatrice that I helped you get a date for this weekend?
You haven't already told Remus about it, have you?

James Potter: hahaha no i haven't
but go right ahead, you've earned it

Lily Evans: She is going to lose her shit when she finds out.

James Potter: of course she is we've displeased the gods
or is it stars?
gods? stars? planets?

Lily Evans: All of the above?

James Potter: that works

Lily Evans: This is going to throw Jupiter right off its rhythm.

James Potter: it'll definitely get drunk and fall into bed with venus

Lily Evans: A regrettable inter-planetary one night stand.

James Potter: i'm pretty sure that's how baby asteroids are formed

Lily Evans: Let's just hope they're using protection.

James Potter: for all of our sakes

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Friday 16th October 2020, 9:28 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Big day tomorrow!
Are you excited?

James Potter: yeah, definitely

Lily Evans: That's great!

James Potter: it'll be cool to finally meet you in person

Lily Evans: I was actually talking about your date with Tinder Claudia, lol

James Potter: lolllllllllllllll

Lily Evans: But obviously I'm excited about that too

James Potter: i am excited about the date, i just assumed you were talking about tomorrow morning because you finally get to bask in my glorious presence

Lily Evans: Nothing to do with the painting I commissioned from you, obviously.

James Potter: nothing of course

Lily Evans: At long last, the momentous day of our meeting has almost arrived.
I'll have my fainting couch and smelling salts at the ready.

James Potter: speaking of, is there parking at yours?

Lily Evans: Yeah, the house has a driveway and one of the spots is technically for my flat but as I don't have a car it will be empty.
59A is the massive red-brick house, just ring the bell marked 3 and I'll buzz you up. My flat's on the top floor.
Fair warning, there are no balconies or topiaries so I imagine there'll be some culture shock to deal with.

James Potter: sounds like a classic fish out of water scenario
you at least have a butler, right?

Lily Evans: Yeah, his name's Bernard.

James Potter: HAH

Lily Evans: Should I Paypal you for the painting or do you want cash?

James Potter: whatever suits you suits me

Lily Evans: I've got the cash on me if that works?

James Potter: yeah that works

Lily Evans: Cool!
Keep it and impress Claudia by leaving the waiter a massive tip during your date.
Which Beatrice is NOT HAPPY about, by the way.

James Potter: oh I KNOW
i've been properly told off
insulted in very imaginative ways

Lily Evans: She's taking it so personally lmao

James Potter: she accused me of literal adultery

Lily Evans: Did she tell you about her recurring dream?

James Potter: the one about our wedding?

Lily Evans: Yup

James Potter: i don't know where she gets off saying that we'd have a fire swallower there

Lily Evans: At our WEDDING

James Potter: our WEDDING

Lily Evans: With the friends WE have?

James Potter: we'd have to set places for the fire brigade to save them the hassle of multiple callouts
which would cost a whole bloody lot in wherever she said we were holding it

Lily Evans: Blenheim Palace.

James Potter: blenheim palace

Lily Evans: A low key affair, then.

James Potter: think of our mates at a wedding in blenheim palace

Lily Evans: Bunch of drunken idiots running around, going up in flames.

James Potter: imagine telling the owner of blenheim palace that the library in his unesco world heritage site home was burned to a crisp

Lily Evans: "We're sorry, the Duke of Marlborough, unfortunately our mates got pissed and spat vodka at a fire swallower."

James Potter: sirius would try to swallow the fire
somehow succeed
dare my friend peter to do the same
and our wedding ends up featured on a bbc 2 emergency room special
which sounds really specific but has happened before when peter and sirius were drunk, minus the fire and plus 53 stitches in peter's face after an unfortunate mountain biking incident

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: his episode is probably still on youtube
if you ever fancy a break from baywatch

Lily Evans: Oh my GOD
Peter from the escape room Peter?

James Potter: that's the one
the moral of the story here is that an open bar at our wedding might not be wise

Lily Evans: That, or we have it in a less flammable place.

James Potter: like the lido in tooting bec

Lily Evans: Oh yeah, because as it happens, I've always wanted to get married in a public outdoor swimming pool filled with other people's urine.
Floating down the aisle on a rubber dinghy.

James Potter: or one of those swan pedal boats

Lily Evans: A far more elegant choice!

James Potter: your bridesmaids could wow the guests with a synchronised swim routine

Lily Evans: You could remove your tearaway tuxedo and backflip into the water.

James Potter: i'd be into that if i could have matching tuxedo trunks

Lily Evans: A bikini + veil combo would really save the pennies.

James Potter: make it a one-piece, doll

Lily Evans: DOLL

James Potter: this wedding is a classy affair, see

Lily Evans: LOL
Then it's settled.
I'll let you break the news to Beatrice, though.
The last message I had from her was "I CAN'T EVEN" at 3 this afternoon, totally unprompted, roughly sixteen hours after I'd told her about your date.

James Potter: she can't even what?

Lily Evans: Finish a sentence?

James Potter: lololollllll she must have sat up all night
seething with rage

Lily Evans: She's been expecting us to fall in instant love since the moment she first met you and "just knew" that you were "The One" for me.
Her psychic street cred has been severely depleted.

James Potter: the last message she sent me was "you broke my heart, fredo"
who's fredo?

Lily Evans: That guy from The Godfather.

James Potter: which guy?

Lily Evans: The...mobster?

James Potter: that narrows it right down, thank you

Lily Evans: Oh!
Which reminds me!
Add mafia to our list of genres!

James Potter: omg
of course
the ace and the blade stop an assassination attempt in a cosy italian eatery with red walls
and a jar of breadsticks on the table

Lily Evans: While a stray mutt and a pampered cocker spaniel fall in love over spaghetti in the background.

James Potter: that shit writes itself

Lily Evans: Can't wait to don my six-inch long, fire engine red fake fingernails and get cracking.

James Potter: can't wait to kiss a lot of people at funerals

Lily Evans: Can't wait to meet Al Pacino.

James Potter: can't wait to finally have a use for my tuxedos

Lily Evans: And SPEAKING OF
Which of your eighteen tuxedos will you be wearing when you drop off this painting tomorrow?

James Potter: hahaha ALAS

Lily Evans: NO

James Potter: the thing is
IF i wanted to wear one
i'd have to ask my mum which of the said eighteen tuxedos was purchased for the specific purpose of dropping off paintings at the flat of that woman i know through my best mate's girlfriend
i feel like that would set her on the scent
do you really want my mum knowing where you live?
dressed as a bush in the garden?

Lily Evans: Binoculars poking out?

James Potter: exactly

Lily Evans: For fuck's sake, Fredo!
Now how will you choose the optimal tux?!
I can only assume you have a lookbook wherein you have modelled all eighteen, pls forward it immediately for my perusal.

James Potter: just how vain do you think i am, lily?

Lily Evans: I see you didn't deny it, James.

James Potter: and you're thirsting over my tuxedo pics why?

Lily Evans: Oh my gooooooooooddddddddddddddddddd

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 17th October 2020, 11:28 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Oh my god
Oh my god

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: No DON'T

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: PRETEND

James Potter: i definitely don't know what you're talking about
not at all


[picture attachment]

James Potter: oh, that

Lily Evans: OH, THAT?

James Potter: i guess it must have fallen into that envelope
which then wrote your name on itself
and tripped
and landed on your coffee table

Lily Evans: Of the ten minutes that you were here, I was out of the living room making tea for TWO OF THEM AND YOU CAME WITH ME

James Potter: i really enjoyed that tea, by the way
what brand was it, yorkshire gold?

Lily Evans: So HOW did you stealth drop it on my coffee table without me noticing?
And where were you even hiding it?!

James Potter: what do you mean, hiding it?
this has nothing to do with me

But WHY?

James Potter: you know why

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD
Is THIS why you were asking about my beach preferences??!!!!

James Potter: well you said you liked beaches
but there are different kinds of beaches
i needed to know what i was working with

Lily Evans: But you'd already worked so hard on Mum's fountain!

James Potter: and unless you were lying, which i know you weren't, you made it pretty clear that you wanted one of my paintings
yeah i did work hard, and?

Lily Evans: But I would have BOUGHT one!
I was planning on asking at some point, I would have paid for it!
You DESERVE to be paid for them!

James Potter: it wouldn't be a surprise gift if you'd paid for it

Lily Evans: Well NO

James Potter: so you can give me a present and i can't give you one?

Lily Evans: Okay but
Fuccck my Uber's here and I'm emotionally compromised and CRYING jfc
Give me a mo

James Potter: she gets a present and tells me off for it
unbelievable, you are
and to think i wore my best tuxedo
only to be roasted alive
like a pig on a spit
so badly mistreated

Lily Evans: STOP the tuxedo was MUCH appreciated and made me very happy and you are VERY tall
Which is apropos of nothing, I realise, but YOU ARE
And I'm not telling you off, honestly, I'm not
I just feel bad because you already did one painting and you've listened to my endless moaning about my job and been just brilliantly wonderfully KIND for the past two weeks and now I have a SECOND painting all for myself and NOTHING I've done for you is even remotely equivalent to that!

James Potter: first of all, thank you for calling me tall and handsome

Lily Evans: I believe I just said "tall"

James Potter: you said VERY tall, actually

Lily Evans: Which...translates to handsome?

James Potter: thank you for confirming it

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: second of all, you feeling bad is the opposite of what i wanted, you can't feel bad or I'LL feel bad
ALSO, you helped me with hattie and tinder AND mum
who i still have not talked to but i promise i will
that might not seem equivalent to you but it's a big deal to me
especially the mum stuff

Lily Evans: You are honestly so kind.

James Potter: the cinnamon rolls are also a big deal because i've eaten two already
one while i was driving
it was actually quite dangerous
i took my hands off the wheel at a very precarious moment

Lily Evans: I mean, please don't risk death? But I'm really happy that you like them.
Kingsley said you order them a lot with your coffee, so

James Potter: so you used what LITTLE free time you have to run a reconnaissance mission with kingsley

Lily Evans: I asked him one question

James Potter: then you bought all of the ingredients to make cinnamon rolls
then you made the cinnamon rolls
and you've got the AUDACITY to sit there in your uber and say that you're NOT doing enough for me???

Lily Evans: That only took a few hours, tops!
And how long did it take you to finish this painting?!

James Potter: lily
i will make an attempt at telling you off if you keep arguing
so stop arguing

Lily Evans: You know that's incredibly difficult for me to do, right?

James Potter: i got that

Lily Evans: But I will TRY.
For you I will try.
Let me just...take a deep breath here
Thank you
For the painting, thank you so so so much.
It's so beautiful and I love it and it's going straight up on my bedroom wall as soon as I get a frame for it.

James Potter: you're welcome

Lily Evans: And thank you ALSO for listening to all of my whining and doing such a gorgeous job on my mum's present
For LESS THAN ITS VALUE, I might add
Which is not an argument! Just a fact!

James Potter: for the five millionth time
it can't be less than its value if it was mates' rates

Lily Evans: I thought it was best mate's girlfriend's best mates' rates?

James Potter: nah
just mates' rates, i think
what do you think?

Lily Evans: I think that sounds about right.

James Potter: right

Lily Evans: Right.

James Potter: so
i really like your flat

Lily Evans: You do?

James Potter: yeah it's cosy

Lily Evans: I thought that "cosy" just meant "dilapidated" in rich people speak?

James Potter: if my mum said it maybe
but i mean it
because the thing is
my house is all black and white like a showroom, most of the rooms look like nobody really lives here
sirius got some interior design person to "mood board the space" and that was what he came up with
there is a metal statue of a greyhound in the bathroom
the BATHROOM, lily
i don't know what the reason is
sometimes i forget it's there and it scares the shit out of me when i walk in at night

Lily Evans: Useful for constipation if so?

James Potter: lolllll of course

Lily Evans: And now you do know the reason.

James Potter: credit to your genius as always
no but really, your flat is so much nicer than my house

Lily Evans: My flat is not nicer than your Belgravia townhouse.
It literally can't be.

James Potter: yes it is i liked your fridge magnets

Lily Evans: Oh my god what even???

James Potter: you have a tiny little fridge and five million magnets!
what is up with that?

Lily Evans: I get a lot of wedding invitations!
They have to go somewhere!

James Potter: you have too many magnets for your fridge, lily
a haunting amount

Lily Evans: Lolllllllllll

James Potter: but i liked them all a lot
and i liked the yellow armchair too, it was comfortable
also, when i was driving over there i thought to myself, "i bet lily has a lot of books"
and then you did and i was right
and i liked that you have two copies of cluedo in your stack of board games
and i liked how none of your mugs looked the same

Lily Evans: I think most people have mugs that don't look the same, right?

James Potter: we don't
mum's are all plain black and all of the mugs in my kitchen are made out of glass
i like yours better

Lily Evans: These are such……strangely specific details to pick out about a person's flat?
But also, somehow, one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten.

James Potter: you deserve compliments

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: ???

Lily Evans: Your date is tonight, right?

James Potter: oh yeah
yeah it is

Lily Evans: That must be super exciting.

James Potter: yeah

Lily Evans: What time?
What time is the date, I mean.
I can't English today, lol

James Potter: it's at 7

Lily Evans: I'll probably be at dinner with my mum then.
She's very lucky!

James Potter: your mum?

Lily Evans: No, Claudia.

James Potter: lol thank you

Lily Evans: Does she have very dark hair?
I've been picturing her with very dark hair.

James Potter: oh, yeah, actually
she does have very dark hair

Lily Evans: Do you have a picture of her?
Just to put a face to the name, you know?
In case you two hit it off and I hear about her a lot more.

James Potter: i don't, but i can screenshot her tinder

[picture attachment]

this is her
i think
unless i'm being catfished
she could be a 90 year old man

Lily Evans: She's beautiful

James Potter: i think part of me would enjoy being catfished?
because then i could be at parties and be like
remember when i was catfished by that guy who was really into collecting antique hourglasses?

Lily Evans: She's REALLY beautiful
Wait, WHAT?

James Potter: oh, right
well, claudia sends me a lot of pictures of her cats but there are always hourglasses in the background
and i was like, why the hourglasses
then she told me that she collects them

Lily Evans: So you two are exchanging a lot of cat pics, then?

James Potter: she sends more than i do but she has two cats, so it's an equivalent increase

Lily Evans: Makes sense.

James Potter: yeah, i guess so

Lily Evans: You'll tell me how it goes, yeah?

James Potter: yeah of course i will
you'll let me know if your mum likes her present?

Lily Evans: Yes, definitely I will.
I'm giving it to her tomorrow, but I already know she'll love it.
Have the best time tonight, okay?

James Potter: i'll try
have a great time with your family
talk to you later

Lily Evans: Yes, talk later

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Sunday 18th October 2020, 1:13 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: happy birthday to your martha!

Lily Evans: Happy birthday to yours!
I'd literally just taken out my phone to text you and tell you how much Mum LOVES the painting which is A WHOLE LOT so thank you AGAIN!

James Potter: thanks!
that's such a relief, tell her please that i'm chuffed to hear she likes it

Lily Evans: She likes it SO MUCH in fact, she's already made Dad hang it on the living room wall

[picture attachment]

James Potter: wow
above the fireplace

Lily Evans: Prime position, that is.

James Potter: as i see

Lily Evans: You are clearly very popular with Evans women.
I mean, I doubt Petunia would like you on account of her terrible taste in people, but she's technically a Dursley so she doesn't count.
What was my point? I had one.

James Potter: that your mum liked my painting?

Lily Evans: No, that she ADORED it.
She has asked me to tell you that it's gorgeous and thanks a million times over.

James Potter: she's very welcome, it was fun to paint

Lily Evans: She also told me to kiss you right on the mouth, hahaha

James Potter: hahaha

Lily Evans: I just showed her that hashtag and she LOVES it
Are you with your mother today?

James Potter: i am

Lily Evans: I'm safe in assuming that neither of our mothers are actually named Martha, right?

James Potter: lol yes
mine's euphemia

Lily Evans: Mine is Grace.
Did you get her anything nice?

James Potter: a few things
mum's really easy to buy for
mostly because she tells you what to buy for her and she's been wearing the same perfume for the last 30 years
opium by yves saint laurent if you're interested
this year she wanted hat boxes

Lily Evans: Hat boxes?
People still use those?
What does she need them for? Is she travelling on the Orient Express in 1934?

James Potter: she's redecorating her dressing room with a parisian theme because she hates me apparently
the hat boxes are "part of the aesthetic"
dad got her an antique privacy screen and she has dramatically emerged from behind it several times now that the wine has been opened

Lily Evans: LOL
My mum asked my dad for one of those robot vacuum cleaners, so he bought her a spa day because he thought she was trying to trick him.
I think she's still trying to decide if she's going to be angry about it or not, because on one hand she does love a spa day, but on the other, she REALLY wanted that robot vacuum cleaner.
Also, for context
Dad once bought her an ironing board for Christmas

James Potter: ouchhhhhhhhhh

Lily Evans: He'd overheard her saying that she needed a new one
Which, to be fair, she DID?

James Potter: yeah nooooooooooooooo

Lily Evans: He has never been allowed to forget it.
But this time she ASKED for the vacuum cleaner

James Potter: i am on your dad's side in this but ONLY because robot vacuum cleaners pose lethal and often untold dangers

Lily Evans: How?
Like as trip hazards?

James Potter: no, not as trip hazards

Lily Evans: Um

James Potter: oh, do i have a story for you, lily evans
settle in for this one
i hope you are sitting comfortably because this is a tale

Lily Evans: Um

James Potter: maybe a parable
i don't actually know what a parable is
the point is
i once knew this bloke whose mum got a roomba and it OUSTED him from his position in the family

Lily Evans: Um

James Potter: at first, he didn't suspect anything
the roomba picked up dirt and deposited the dirt and charged in a corner, as roombas should
but then
his mother started treating the roomba like a son
loved it like a son
she even gave it a name, much like you would a son
and slowly but surely
as hours turned to days
and days turned to weeks
the majority of her love for her ACTUAL son was siphoned away by her "sweet baby" diablo
who was fittingly named, as i'm sure you'll agree

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: legend has it that diablo still wanders around the mother's house, consuming dust particles and sneering openly at her forgotten, forlorn son whenever i stop over

Lily Evans: I can't breathe

James Potter: whenever *he stops over!
obviously i am not the son in this scenario!

Lily Evans: I can't
I cannot
James I can't BREATHE

James Potter: i am not the son! this happened to a friend of mine!

Lily Evans: James your mother does NOT
Love the ROOMBA
More than she I CAN'T


Lily Evans: STOP


Lily Evans: My STOMACH hurts

James Potter: oh no! did you eat something dodgy?

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: lollllllllllllllllllllll i'm sorry

Lily Evans: James I am CRYING laughing
I can't stop and Petunia is staring at me I CANNOT
My family are watching Beaches and Barbara Hershey just died and here I am laughing like a fucking sociopath

James Potter: lolllllllllllllllllll i lied i'm not sorry

Lily Evans: It's your fault that I'm watching this bloody movie in the bloody first place!

James Potter: HOW

Lily Evans: BECAUSE I was showing my mother my picture of MY painting and telling her how we'd been talking about beaches and then she was all "Oh, let's watch Beaches!"

James Potter: excuse me
that painting was a celebration of joy and sunshine and the ocean
and peter andre
what it is NOT is a celebration of barbara hershey's tragic demise
and what IS it with your family and sad movies?

Lily Evans: I don't know!

James Potter: is that what you spend every sunday doing?
sitting around crying at fictional deaths?

Lily Evans: Excuse ME I do not.
And speaking of family, what's your brother's Instagram?
I am of course referring to Diablo, and not Sirius.

James Potter: wow
you've not asked for mine but you want the roomba's?
really, lily?
salt the wound much?

Lily Evans: I'm already following your Instagram!

James Potter: only my art one!
not my personal one where i post my most astute observations and handsomest selfies!

Lily Evans: I'm following Algernon's account!

James Potter: WHAT

Lily Evans: And it's not like you're following mine!

James Potter: i didn't want to seem stalky!

Lily Evans: James you are literally the ONLY friend I talk to every single day without fail.
I think we've gotten well past all possibilities of "stalky"

James Potter: really?
the only one?
what about beatrice?

Lily Evans: Okay, so you're one of two people I talk to every single day without fail, BUT I wouldn't categorise you and Bea in the same way so it's not really comparable.
I've known her since we were babies. She is an absolute necessity in my life.

James Potter: oh

Lily Evans: Like, if she and I went a full day without speaking, I would genuinely assume that she was dead.
I have known you for two weeks.
You see the difference?

James Potter: yeah, i see it
what you are saying is that i too am an absolute necessity in your life

Lily Evans: That is not

James Potter: no no no it makes total sense
i mean i understand it
if i could be friends with myself, i would
the hours of your day that are spent not speaking to me must be unbearable

Lily Evans: Half the time it's YOU texting me first!

James Potter: yeah obviously i'm completely codependent at this point
but that's on you for being so wise and brilliant
what am i supposed to do if i have a problem now
not ask you about it?

Lily Evans: Oh!
Speaking of your codependency and my general brilliance, that reminds me
I totally forgot about your date last night
How did it go?

James Potter: erm

Lily Evans: Oh
Not good?

James Potter: it's not that, it's just
is it okay if i tell you later?
mum's moving around the room like a shark
and like
it's a tipsy shark
but still the kind of shark that could defeat all of the baywatch supermodels

Lily Evans: Lifeguards

James Potter: yeah that's what i said
anyway she has no idea that i had a date or that i even use tinder
so i am in for it if she grabs my phone and sees texts

Lily Evans: Won't you be in for it anyway if she sees THESE texts?

James Potter: yeah but at least she won't know any details of the date
and then i can refuse to tell her

Lily Evans: I get that. It's totally fine!

James Potter: sorry
i do want to tell you, it's just to be on the safe side
she's been going in really hard on the dating thing lately and her birthday is NOT the time for me to have that big discussion with her
so for now i'm cowering in fear
i've even had to temporarily change your name in my phone so she doesn't spot it and immediately video conference beatrice into the living room

Lily Evans: Ooooh, what am I down as?

James Potter: blade baywatch


James Potter: you're a professional magician

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD

James Potter: if anybody asks

Lily Evans: Who would even ask me that?!

James Potter: my mother would ask you!

Lily Evans: HOW

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Monday 19th October 2020, 8:25 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: hello, you incredibly brilliant person

Lily Evans: Um, wow.
I'm sorry, that just...stopped me in my tracks a bit?
I was NOT expecting to be complimented while I was eating cinnamon porridge at my desk.

James Potter: deepest apologies
i'll make sure to insult you tomorrow instead

Lily Evans: Thank u, gives me time to prepare a cutting retort.

James Potter: sorry for not texting you again last night
sirius and i wound up staying over at mum's house
which wasn't planned

Lily Evans: That's okay, I was on a train home and then I was exhausted so I went to bed super early.
I legitimately slept for ten hours last night, which NEVER happens.

James Potter: weekends with family can do that

Lily Evans: God, I know.
Petunia was so needlessly difficult about EVERYTHING
Sniffling away because her stupid husband was golfing for the weekend
Writing "Lilly" on the stupid placecards she made for the table at lunch
Then when I corrected her she accused me of being "oversensitive and pedantic."

James Potter: ew petunia
writing your name wrong on purpose is top tier passive-aggression

Lily Evans: Her specialty!

James Potter: she should teach a seminar
"how to breed conflict when you're too big of a coward for honest conversations"

Lily Evans: That is a spot-on assessment of my sister, thank you.

James Potter: anything 4 u, your honour

Lily Evans: Lol you cheeseball

James Potter: i'm just brie-ing myself

Lily Evans: That's gouda to know.

James Potter: HAH

Lily Evans: How was the rest of your mum's birthday?

James Potter: oh she got VERY drunk

Lily Evans: Oh dear.

James Potter: and it was weird
it's always weird when mum gets drunk because it hardly ever happens
normally she'll have one glass of red wine and switch to water because she practices a regime of self-adoration
but she really went for it yesterday
that's part of the reason why we stayed last night
she was wired to the moon and dad needed his sleep, but she needs to be watched when she's drunk or she makes regrettable online purchases

Lily Evans: Like what?

James Potter: one time she bought 750 disposable soup containers and yes we still have most of them
another time she bought a lego friends pop star limousine
because she thought it was a real limousine
another time, she bought 3 copies of homeward bound: the incredible journey on vhs

Lily Evans: Wow

James Potter: on the same night she bought a personalised shower curtain with her name on it in fancy font
except she was trashed
so she spelled it euphjimian

Lily Evans: Wait, so what did she do with it when it arrived?!

James Potter: mum is a perfectionist, so she didn't want a misspelled shower curtain at her place
she gave it to sirius
you'll never guess where it is now

Lily Evans: Between the greyhound statue and that shower curtain, your bathroom sounds like an environment that is not conducive to peaceful waste expulsion.

James Potter: the worst part is that our shower is one of those floating glass panel ones
you can't actually hang a shower curtain up there
sirius mounted it on the wall

Lily Evans: LOL WHAT

James Potter: like a fucking tapestry or something

Lily Evans: WHY was he given so much creative control in your house?!!!!

James Potter: because he would have complained forever if he hadn't been allowed to make decisions
or hire interior designers to make decisions for him
now i have to deal with euphjimian hanging on my wall
the last time we had a party, peter's girlfriend came out while i was waiting for the toilet and asked if it was finnish modern art
she also didn't flush
and she really should have

Lily Evans: Charming

James Potter: unrelated but when can i move in with you?

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllllllllllll
How would Tinder Claudia feel about that, I wonder?

James Potter: doubt she'd feel anything about it tbh

Lily Evans: ???
What do you mean?

James Potter: oh don't worry, it's fine, i'm fine

Lily Evans: Nooooo, what aren't I being told here?
Did the date go badly?

James Potter: i mean
if we're going into detail
it didn't GO at all

Lily Evans: What do you mean?

James Potter: it didn't happen

Lily Evans: Wait, WHAT?

James Potter: got cancelled

Lily Evans: Who cancelled it?

James Potter: she did

Lily Evans: EXCUSE me?

James Potter: but it's totally fine!
she messaged me early on saturday afternoon, so it's not like i was on my way there when i found out

Lily Evans: Why did she cancel????

James Potter: for a very understandable reason as i'm sure you will agree because you are a kind and compassionate woman
she said that she was really sorry, but she had very recently realised that she had been intending to go on the date for all the wrong reasons, and that she didn't want to waste any more of my time
reading between the lines i think she might be stuck on somebody else
or more accurately
absolutely head over heels for somebody else

Lily Evans: SO, she asks you out and then reneges on her word a few days later because of doubts she'd been having THE WHOLE TIME?

James Potter: lol "reneges" is such a barrister word, how u slay me

Lily Evans: That's so shitty of her!

James Potter: no it really wasn't!
and i don't think she was having doubts the whole time, i think she was just confused
but once she figured out why she felt so off, she was honest with me and came straight out with it
like how you said to be direct with hattie? well that's what she did
so i really don't mind

Lily Evans: Then why did she ASK YOU OUT in the first place?
That's what I don't get!

James Potter: maybe it was a bad snap decision?

Lily Evans: But she didn't HAVE to make it in the first place!
You weren't pressuring her for a date, there wasn't a doomsday clock ticking down the seconds until she became fundamentally undateable, it's not like she was FORCED into asking you out.

James Potter: but sometimes you don't realise that your bad decisions are bad at the time

Lily Evans: You honestly don't have to try so hard to defend her.

James Potter: but you think it's understandable that sometimes you think you want one thing and then you realise that you don't want that thing or maybe you want something else, right?
and that even if you realise it late, it's better to tell the person it affects asap?
and that you can still do that and be a good person?

Lily Evans: Well, yes, of course I think that.
But I'm still mad at her for asking you out in the first place when her heart wasn't in it.
If you'd asked her out I could understand it a lot better because it's awkward to reject people.
Are you still talking to her?

James Potter: god no
the week of claudia is done
totally done

Lily Evans: Good!
I mean, I'm sure she's a good person and all that, I just think you deserve much better.

James Potter: in fact
i deleted the app completely

Lily Evans: Too many bad experiences?

James Potter: pretty much
i'm definitely done with internet dating for a while

Lily Evans: But are you okay?
Though I somehow get the impression that you've not sunk into the depths of misery, I don't just want to assume that you're not upset.

James Potter: yeah honestly i'm great
i'm not upset at all
claudia was nice, but talking to her felt about the same as talking to any other nice person
and i felt very chilled about the date which...was a bad sign in hindsight
because you're supposed to be excited, right?

Lily Evans: Right.

James Potter: so don't worry about me
i didn't have my hopes hanging on her or anything

Lily Evans: Yeah, of course, that makes perfect sense.
And you'd only been talking for a few days.
It's difficult to properly gel with someone that quickly.

James Potter: yeah
most of the time, anyway

Lily Evans: Most of the time, anyway
Haha snap

James Potter: snap
lol that's twice

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: a third time and one of us has to be jinxed

Lily Evans: Agreed, and I volunteer you.

James Potter: excuse me miss how DARE you

Lily Evans: Cheddar you than me, bruv

James Potter: lololololollllllllllllllllllllllllll

Lily Evans: But on a more serious note
Cheese puns aside

James Potter: aside of where?
the crackers?

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: you started it!


James Potter: yes okay seriously yes??

Lily Evans: I'm really, really glad that you're okay.

James Potter: i know
you're the best
you are grate

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllllllllllllllllll omg this has to stop

James Potter: if you could stop with the clownery (of which i am entirely innocent) for a moment please
i had a very important question to ask you

Lily Evans: No, my porridge is not microwaved.

James Potter: that's fantastic to know but not what i was getting at
do you have
a busy day lined up?

Lily Evans: THE busiest.

James Potter: okay, i thought so
if you still have fuel in the tank when you get home and you fancy another baywatch binge
let me know
and i will watch along with you

Lily Evans: Seriously?
Because I tend to get incoherently angry when I watch it EVEN though I kind of love it now.
Are you sure you have the stomach for that?

James Potter: do i have the stomach?
your craig rant was SPECTACULAR
i would pay good money and walk many miles and prostitute myself shamelessly to witness another
does that answer your question?

Lily Evans: Lolllllllll yes it does, thank you.
I would love to livetext Baywatch with you, thank you.
And I'm hoping to be home and done and fed by about 8 today, if that works for you?

James Potter: oh, I'LL BE READY

Lily Evans: I'LL BE READY

James Potter: NEVER YOU FEAR


Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Tuesday 20th October 2020, 8:35 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Well well well
We meet again

James Potter: ??????
hello to you too?

Lily Evans: Never mind that right now, I have a bone to pick with you.

James Potter: what????
what did i do?

Lily Evans: A complete 180 on Remus and Bea's Halloween party, according to her.

James Potter: oh


James Potter: okay first of all
let me be clear on one thing
it is technically NOT a 180 because i never outright refused to go
i said i wasn't SURE if i could go on account of tentative other plans
now i have discovered that i AM available
hence i am going

Lily Evans: Okaaaaaaay but Bea told me that when you said you might not go, you said it in a way that made it clear that you definitely WEREN'T going.

James Potter: that is but one interpretation of our conversation
i have another

Lily Evans: Oh, I'm sure you do.

James Potter: and i don't hate halloween
i liked halloween when i was little because i got to dress up as buzz lightyear and get sweets
when you're an adult it basically becomes a drinking holiday
THAT'S what i don't like, and you would agree with me if you'd ever had to take care of peter and sirius when they're drunk
it's a boatload of stress and you never come out of it with free sweets at the end
they always have an argument
remus slyly fucks off because he doesn't want to deal with it
sirius challenges peter to try something stupid
peter winds up injured
then sirius projectile vomits and considers it a win if he can hit somebody (ME) in the face

Lily Evans: Okay, sure, TRAGIC, but now you ARE going to the party, correct?

James Potter: thank you for the nonexistent sympathy
and correct
i am going
because the other plans fell through

Lily Evans: What plans were they?

James Potter: so are you wearing a costume or what?

Lily Evans: But what were the other plans?

James Potter: it was some family thing my mother was planning

Lily Evans: So why did your brother agree to go to the party weeks ago?

James Potter: okay MISS MARPLE
so MAYBE my original plan was to sit at home avoiding halloween and playing fall guys without sirius backseat-driving my gameplay
which is really distracting and unfair, by the way
also when we play it together he thinks it's funny to grab me and throw me off platforms
so i wasn't going to go, but i've gotten sick of sirius and peter whining at me about it

Lily Evans: That's why you've changed your mind?

James Potter: yes
they can't have fun unless i'm there
otherwise they spend their evenings pining

Lily Evans: And to think, Beatrice is convinced that you're going because you're obsessed with me.

James Potter: well that too, obviously
can i seduce you if i'm sat at home playing fall guys, lily? no i cannot

Lily Evans: Lolololololol

James Potter: seriously though, are you wearing a costume?
bea says i have to wear one and i know she and remus are doing it but i'm only doing it if the same rules apply for everyone
sirius is bringing a large framed photo of himself and going as dorian gray
which basically doesn't count because half of his clothes are like that anyway

Lily Evans: Yes, I am wearing a costume.
I think?
I INTEND to, anyway.

James Potter: haven't you sorted one yet?

Lily Evans: I have...made a plan to buy one?
At some point?

James Potter: well you've got 10 days

Lily Evans: Yes, I know!
And I am definitely NOT starting to worry about having nothing sorted and no time in which to sort it, thank you for reminding me.

James Potter: i didn't mean you've ONLY got 10 days
i meant it like, 10 days is plenty of time

Lily Evans: For you, maybe, but I'm a "get it sorted a month in advance" kind of person and I normally put LOADS of effort into Halloween costumes.
It completely got out from under me this year.
I have no idea what I'm going to wear.
What about you?

James Potter: not a clue
would it be cheating if i wore a tuxedo and said that i was james bond? 

Lily Evans: Yes it would be and I won't allow it.

James Potter: then can i wear my arsenal jersey and go as a footballer?

Lily Evans: No!

James Potter: well grumble grumble grumble!
i am out of ideas!

Lily Evans: You are one of THE most creative people I know and you're out of ideas after two suggestions?

James Potter: considering the fact that i wasn't even going until an hour ago, i think i've made a fair effort
wait wait no
i've got it
and this is specifically because i want to mess with beatrice, mind

Lily Evans: ……I'm listening 

James Potter: WHAT IF we went in his & hers costumes

Lily Evans: Oh my god.
Couple costumes
She would FREAK out

James Potter: RIGHT?

Lily Evans: OH


Lily Evans: OMG

James Potter: GENIUS


James Potter: SAME

Lily Evans: OKAY

[picture attachment]

So I can get the shorts, jacket, swimsuit and a whistle in one set for £43.99 with free delivery

James Potter: okay but you definitely need one of those inflatable float things too

Lily Evans: They sell those separately, I'll add one to my cart now.

James Potter: i've found two different men's costumes and i need your expert opinion on which one to get

[picture attachment]
[picture attachment]

do i buy the one with the cheesy, late 80s short shorts, or do i get long shorts?

Lily Evans: You HAVE to get the short shorts

James Potter: aye aye, boss

Lily Evans: No I do NOT want to buy an accompanying blonde glamour wig,, how DARE you?

James Potter: WHAT
how dare they even INSINUATE

Lily Evans: Have they not SEEN my hair?

James Potter: a TRAVESTY

Lily Evans: Why would I hide such GREATNESS underneath a wig,

James Potter: you know i personally believe that baywatch's distinct lack of redheaded lifeguards was, in fact, its biggest failing as a television show and as a cultural phenomenon

Lily Evans: I completely agree.

James Potter: this is your chance to defy them and i completely support you in this endeavour

Lily Evans: Beatrice is going to lose her fucking mind.

James Potter: we should pretend that it wasn't pre-planned, either
just bump into each other in her kitchen like "oh wow, hahaha!"

Lily Evans: "What a strange, and, dare I say it……cosmic coincidence?"

James Potter: "it can ONLY be fate"

Lily Evans: "Our destinies intertwined at last?"

James Potter: then we blow our whistles in tandem

Lily Evans: She might actually pass out from emotional overexertion.

James Potter: before coming to and violently murdering us both

Lily Evans: Well, it was nice knowing you while it lasted.

James Potter: adios, amigo

Lily Evans: I honestly can't stop laughing
Are we really doing this?

James Potter: woman i am literally at the checkout entering my card information, yes we bloody well are

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Okay I'm on it.
Before Bea met Remus I would be routinely forced into coordinating with her and she's a big fan of heeled boots and corsets that really don't want you to breathe, so I'm excited that I'll get to wear a comfortable costume for once.
With trainers!

James Potter: trainers!

Lily Evans: Trainers!

James Potter: high fives all round for a full range of motion!

Lily Evans: Could come in very handy, that.

James Potter: oh?
how so?

Lily Evans: For example, if someone starts drowning in the bathtub

James Potter: OH

Lily Evans: We'll be ready for action

James Potter: inflatable floats at the ready

Lily Evans: Slow-mo running up the stairs

James Potter: rocking aviator shades

Lily Evans: Blatantly unsafe dives off the couch

James Potter: wrestling the shower hose for dominance

Lily Evans: Blasting our whistles at amorous couples

James Potter: we're massive dorks, aren't we?

Lily Evans: The biggest dorks in all the land, my friend.

James Potter: cool cool cool cool cool

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Wednesday 21st October 2020, 8:03 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: hey!

Lily Evans: Hi hi!

James Potter: how was your day?

Lily Evans: Oh, it was good. I had a really fun morning, actually!

James Potter: did you get to stand up in court and shout "i object!" like in the films?

Lily Evans: Sadly, that never happens.

James Potter: damn
another dream dashed!

Lily Evans: Hollywood lied to you!

James Potter: those bastards!
okay i'm over it, what did you get up to?

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllll
So I'm mentoring a student from Pathways to Law, which is this programme run by universities that aims to get school children from "non-traditional" (aka not wealthy and privileged) backgrounds to study law. I took part in it when I was at school.
Anyway, I got to spend the morning working with my student and setting her tasks.
Her name is Jasmine and she is SO sharp and SO switched on and a DREAM.
I got her to work on an application to adjourn a trial which meant that I got to play the role of "tough female judge, often deemed a bitch by male colleagues," which we had a giggle at.
Then I gave her feedback and we went to lunch and I discovered what Tik Tok is.

James Potter: you would make an excellent judge and all of that sounds way more fun than dealing with saggy balls ed
aside from tik tok which i do not comprehend

Lily Evans: Speaking of Saggy Balls Ed, he came in with Even Saggier Balls Nigel's retirement card for me to sign and wouldn't shut up about his "Man Wheelz" Instagram account.

James Potter: lol what?

Lily Evans: He's decided to become a social media mogul and build an online career out of reviewing car products.
But ONLY for men because cars obviously aren't for women, our little bird brains cannot comprehend the mechanisms of a motor vehicle.
He was going on and on to Jasmine (who is legally still a CHILD, by the way) about how he'd just gotten a Man Wheelz decal on his car to advertise the account, and how we should tell all our friends about it!
You could practically SEE the steam rising from under his collar, he'd clearly deluded himself into thinking that Jasmine and I were finding ourselves irresistibly drawn to his nonexistent sexual magnetism on account of him having one shitty Instagram account with 56 followers.
So I asked him if he had a work-related reason for lingering while we were trying to get on with our tasks.
He just laughed awkwardly and left.
Then he complained about me to Alice (work bestie) later and said I'd been "needlessly aggressive" when he was "welcoming the programme girl."

James Potter: lol what a dick

Lily Evans: I know!

James Potter: i'm embarrassed for him tbh

Lily Evans: I know!

James Potter: exactly what the legal system needs, isn't it?
more creeps!

Lily Evans: Luckily MOST of my colleagues here are pretty great and everyone else was lovely and PROFESSIONAL with Jasmine, it's really just Ed and a few younger, arrogant little rich brats who act like that, but STILL

James Potter: not to derail your very important point
but would you consider me an arrogant little rich brat?

Lily Evans: No honey you're perfect.

James Potter: \o/
please continue 

Lily Evans: Tbh, I was sort of done. If I rant any more about the idiots at work I'm going to ruin my fabulous mood.
And luckily Jasmine found it hilariously pathetic.
Not that it needs saying
But on account of the fact that I would rather set myself adrift on the Atlantic with no food and an easily provoked scorpion for company than shag somebody at work, I have ZERO first-hand knowledge of how saggy anyone's balls are in chambers.

James Potter: what, really??
but the saggy balls brothers sound like such catches!

Lily Evans: I just have terrible taste, I guess!
Actually, Nigel is a very nice man who keeps a chocolate box on his desk and lets you take one when you stop in.
But Ed can throw himself in the rubbish.

James Potter: along with his dashed hopes of an office romance with you

Lily Evans: Erughghsodijgsopihdjfdfjdgjkfhkg NO

James Potter: lolllllll

Lily Evans: ANYWAY
I loved Jasmine and I'm so excited to keep working with her and it was such a nice morning.
How was your day?

James Potter: well, nobody attempted to break any of our rooms by punching through a window or ripping the carpet up off the floor, which is always a plus
on the other hand, i had to work all the way through lunch because peter is having relationship problems and he spent most of the afternoon on the phone with his girlfriend

Lily Evans: Is this the same girlfriend who pulled a "can't flush, won't flush" in your bathroom?

James Potter: yup, that's helena
she and pete have been together since we were at school
so what, eight or nine years?
but every now and then she likes to passive-aggressively torture him
just to keep things interesting, i guess?
reckon she'd get along with your sister

Lily Evans: Reading between the lines, I'm guessing you're not a fan?

James Potter: i don't like to throw the word "hate" around

Lily Evans: Knock it around like a tennis ball if you want, I trust your judgement.

James Potter: if she ever accidentally burned a chunk of her hair off and had a full blown meltdown while she was live-streaming her beauty routine on instagram, i would find that video, save it and watch it whenever i had a bad day
and if that sounds too specific, blame sirius
he's the one who saved the video in the first place

Lily Evans: Oh my godddddddddd

James Potter: no but lily
she has NO redeeming qualities
none at all
not even if you squint and try really hard to think of one
she's nasty and she's always storming off in a temper and pete has to chase after her
she makes him spend more than he can afford on her
and while we're speaking of creeps
she has offered me sex "in jest" more times than i can count

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: which peter KNOWS


James Potter: but he makes excuses for her like "she was joking!" or "she was just being friendly!" or "she was reaching for the crisps!"
and much as i appreciate the implied compliment
my crotch does not resemble a large tin of thai sweet chilli pringles

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: it's fine, she didn't come close to touching it or anything, she faked out and was all like "oops! hehehe!" and batting her eyelashes at me
which as far as i'm concerned was clear intent

Lily Evans: INTENT?

James Potter: intent

Lily Evans: Thanks, I HATE it.
And by "it"
Please know that I mean Helena and her vile sexual harassment.

James Potter: oh good, not my crotch
i was so worried

Lily Evans: I am sadly unacquainted with your crotch, so no.

James Potter: SADLY?

Lily Evans: So what happened with Peter?

James Potter: excuse me lily i think we were still on "sadly"

Lily Evans: Yes, it IS sad that Peter's going through this.

James Potter: you riotous flirt

Lily Evans: LOL whoops

James Potter: but feel free to do it more i like the attention

Lily Evans: Duly noted

James Potter: thank u
anyway he came back eventually all choked up because she's moving her stuff out of their flat for the fifth time in about a year, so i gave him the rest of the day off
luckily frankie lives close so she was able to come in and take the late rooms
though it was supposed to be her day off so i owe her big time

Lily Evans: Peter seems like the most perennially unlucky person I've ever heard of.

James Potter: i honestly think he's cursed

Lily Evans: Why do you think he stays with her?

James Potter: i don't know, but it's miserable to witness
he always seems way more confident when they split up
but then he takes her back and she squashes him again
might ring him in a bit and see if he wants to go out with us tomorrow
see if i can borrow remus from bea for the night

Lily Evans: Do you guys have a designated commiseration spot, then?

James Potter: erm
does the bowling alley count?

Lily Evans: Omg
When you said "erm" my heart actually stopped for a second thinking you were going to say "the strip club" LMAO

James Potter: LOL WHAT
oh my GAWD lily
who do you think i am, ED?
what low opinion is this?!

Lily Evans: I don't knooooow I had a weird moment where I was like WHY WOULD HE DO THAT

James Potter: I WOULDN'T

Lily Evans: I KNOW

James Potter: also why would i say THE strip club as if there's this one strip club that's so universally well known that i wouldn't have to give you its name?

Lily Evans: Stoopppppp I'm going to die of embarrassment

James Potter: we need to research this
to google with us

Lily Evans: Oh god, FINE

James Potter: urgh the names of some of these places
"platinum lace"
why does that make my skin crawl

Lily Evans: Sunset Strip
The Red Room
Majingos Gentlemen's Club

James Potter: i think you'll find that no gentlemen frequent
the hallowed halls of majingos

Lily Evans: Okay so Platinum Lace CLAIMS to be London's No. 1 Lap Dancing and Strip Club
But SophistiCats ALSO claims to be No. 1
So which one qualifies as THE strip club?

James Potter: definitely NOT sophisticats
i am IRATE about sophisticats

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: if i'm going to a place called sophisticats i expect to see actual cats in top hats and bow ties, not naked women
zero disrespect meant to strippers, they put up with a lot and deserve their money
how dare they
i am distressed

Lily Evans: Thank goodness we Googled it before it tricked you into going there.

James Potter: those crafty (sophisti)cats

Lily Evans: It would have been a-paw-ling

James Potter: the purrfect crime

Lily Evans: So unfurtunate

James Potter: a total cat-astrophe

Lily Evans: I love us, you know

James Potter: i love us too

Lily Evans: \o/

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Thursday 22nd October 2020, 9:27 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Hey, I know you're busy busy busy with your mates tonight but my lovely lovely beach is now framed and on my bedroom wall, for which I thank you DEEPLY, and I just wanted to show you.

[picture attachment]

I still don't think I've done enough to deserve it but I'm so happy that you thought I did <3

James Potter: a) yes you DO deserve it
b) is that a seashell collection on your dresser?

Lily Evans: What is it with you and fixating on things in my flat?

pls tell me more about the seashell collection
am deeply fascinated by your home decor choices
riveted, even

Lily Evans: The clownery of you today.

James Potter: no i'm genuinely fascinated
by you, by your seashells
no wait
that made it sound like i was talking about your boobs
like a seashell bra
you know like ariel would wear
i wasn't!

Lily Evans: Are you saying my boobs AREN'T fascinating?

James Potter: NOOOOO
no they're lovely!
sitting there in the
where boobs are meant to go
but i meant the seashells on your dresser!

Lily Evans: The story of my seashell collection is that it's a collection of seashells.

James Potter: that part i knew, perd hapley
what is your reason for collecting seashells
from where do you collect them
do you give them names and backstories
is it possible that any of said seashells are secretly concealing the magical powers of an oceanic goddess?
etc etc

Lily Evans: Quick question for you.

James Potter: yeeeess?

Lily Evans: Did you think I was exaggerating about my love of beaches?
Because I promise you, at NO point did I exaggerate.
They are my LIFEBLOOD.
I collect shells and pebbles from EVERY beach I go to.
There are a bunch in a glass vase in my bathroom too.

James Potter: but do you have
a seashell shower curtain

Lily Evans: SADLY I do not
It's just a plain teal

James Potter: you know what you should also get
seashell fridge magnets

Lily Evans: You said that I had too many fridge magnets!

James Potter: yeah but in a charming way!
would you like seashell fridge magnets?
because i could buy you seashell fridge magnets

Lily Evans: Stop trying to shower me with gifts!

James Potter: BUT IT'S WHO I AM
dost thou not WANT mine self to liveth free?

Lily Evans: Are you drunk?

James Potter: no!

Lily Evans: Because I know you said you were going out tonight, and I know Remus went with you and I know you're at the City of London Distillery so it stands to reason that you've had SOMETHING to drink.

James Potter: HOW DID YOU KNOW

Lily Evans: Oh my god, James.
You posted a pic of the four of you on Instagram and TAGGED the bar!

James Potter: OH
but i thought you hadn't seen that!

Lily Evans: Why?

James Potter: because you didn't COMMENT to say wow james
you look so handsome

Lily Evans: In your plaid shirt and jeans?

James Potter: precisely

Lily Evans: My GOD
Hold on a second

James Potter: hold on where
for one more day?
i had something to show you though
look at this

[picture attachment]

look at it
it's you

Lily Evans: That's a picture of a cocktail with a piece of lemon rind in it.

James Potter: it's a cocktail CALLED
a lily pad
i saw it on the menu and i thought
i should try this
in honour of my newest bestest friend
and you know what?

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: i have had
two and a half
you tasted delicious

Lily Evans: Thank you, it took zero effort on my part.
Do you have work in the morning?

James Potter: yes and
i have to buy breakfast for frankie for covering for pete
and walk her dogs at some unspecified point
remind me to do that

Lily Evans: Will do, babe.
Fingers crossed you won't be too hungover tomorrow.

James Potter: she says she wants three courses
what is a three course breakfast
and no i will not be hungover
i am a good boy
no more than three for me

Lily Evans: I do sort of love that you're downing cocktails instead of chugging on a "manly" beer.

James Potter: ew lily
beer tastes like piss
aren't i spelling exceptionally well?
sirius says hi
he says can you get him off a parking ticket

Lily Evans: Hi Sirius, and no I can't you criminal.

James Potter: wait
lol he doesn't even have a car

Lily Evans: LOL good to know that all of your mates are dorks too.

James Potter: oh no sirius is cool
he has a leather jacket
which as you know is the qualifier what are you up to?

Lily Evans: You are just LEAPING from topic to topic tonight, aren't you?

James Potter: no i am sticking with one now
tell me all the details of your whole life

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: your entire life

Lily Evans: That's what you're sticking with?

James Potter: yes

Lily Evans: Just a brief overview of the past twenty-six years, yeah?

James Potter: yes

Lily Evans: You don't think that you should be talking to your friends instead?

James Potter: that's what i'm doing
you're my friend
and the only one not talking about star trek
which i do not care about
i am being attentive and gentlemanly to YOU actually

Lily Evans: You'd rather have me detail my entire life story, in TEXT MESSAGES, than listen to your mates talk about sci-fi for a few minutes?

James Potter: if you could keep it to one text singular that would be handy

Lily Evans: Surely the GENTLEMANLY thing to do would be to offer up your own biography first?

James Potter: the day of my birth was glorious

Lily Evans: I instantly regret this.

James Potter: it was a sunday
march 27th
the year was 1994
i was not born in a leap year
it was the chinese year of the dog

Lily Evans: I know that
We were born in the same year

James Potter: doop by doop, a song that my mother has described as "accurately capturing my energy"
was riding high in the uk charts

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: my mother was 42 when she had me
she has not aged since
she says it's genetics
and botox
but mostly genetics
they'd been trying for 20 years to have me
i was their miracle baby
their dream come true
she laboured for 36 hours and burst several blood vessels in her arm to bring me into the world
she also says that i was came out with an oversized head but my head is such a nice, normal, handsome size that i don't deliver her
believe her
it was a busy night in the hospital
the nurses said i was born looking like i was smiling which makes sense because of my sunny disposition which has not changed
i was named james after james bond the spy
because mum was on bedrest for six weeks during my charmed gestation
and she finally watched my dad's entire bond collection
my middle name is also inspired by james bond but you don't need to know what that is

Lily Evans: What is it?

James Potter: you don't need to know

Lily Evans: What is it?

James Potter: NO you'll never think i'm attractive again

Lily Evans: What?!

James Potter: i am an aries
the symbol of aries is the ram

Lily Evans: James
This is not a brief biography, in like, ANY sense.
It is a very, very thorough description of your birth, plus a lot of random, extraneous detail.

James Potter: i don't have time for a brief biography!
that's too many years!
26 and a half years! lily! too many!

Lily Evans: But you had time for me to give you mine?!

James Potter: that's totally different because i already know mine!
it's less interesting to me!

Lily Evans: What's your middle name, James?

James Potter: GOODBYE

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Friday 23rd October 2020, 7:36 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: erm

Lily Evans: Well look who it is!

James Potter: oh god
about last night

Lily Evans: LOL

James Potter: two things

Lily Evans: You know, I believe that I would be remiss in my duties as a respected member of the legal profession if I did not remind you at this juncture that you MUST buy Frankie a three course breakfast as a matter of urgency.
This is, of course, per the verbal agreement that you recently entered into.

James Potter: one

Lily Evans: Just throwing that out there.

James Potter: thank you for the unnecessarily generous instagram comment about my looks

Lily Evans: The term I used was "your outrageously stunning good looks" actually.
Please get it right.

James Potter: which i did not deserve and appear to have harassed you into leaving
and two

Lily Evans: I also said "hubba hubba" but I guess THAT'S getting no appreciation this morning.

James Potter: reading back on our conversation
i think i was a bit...obnoxious
so i am here to apologise accordingly
and get breakfast for frankie once i figure out what three courses of breakfast entails

Lily Evans: You weren't being obnoxious!
Like, AT ALL.
You are delightfully charming when semi-drunk.

James Potter: are you sure?

Lily Evans: Of course I'm sure.

James Potter: i mean
i said stuff about your boobs though

Lily Evans: And?

James Potter: and that's……bad?

Lily Evans: Double standard much?!

James Potter: what do you mean?

Lily Evans: So what you're saying
And let me make sure I've got this right, it's VERY early in the morning
Is that I can say things like "sadly your crotch and mine haven't conjoined yet" or whatever it was I said the other day, can't really remember the wording

James Potter: CONJOINED?

Lily Evans: But you can't tell me that my boobs are lovely?

James Potter: RIGHT BUT
no wait
saogijsdhif i'm CONFUSED
you were just joking though, right?

Lily Evans: And you weren't?
So you do think that my boobs are lovely?

James Potter: no!

Lily Evans: No?

James Potter: i mean yes but
aren't ALL boobs lovely?

Lily Evans: So now you're saying that mine AREN'T special?

James Potter: …………

Lily Evans: WOW

James Potter: i guess……this is what death feels like

Lily Evans: Oh my godddddd

James Potter: good to know

Lily Evans: Okay STOP before I feel guilty!
It's only fun to tease you when you are NOT needlessly torturing yourself
You weren't remotely obnoxious, you were VERY funny and I am EXCESSIVELY fond of you and deeply invested in the overly detailed story of your red carpet debut upon this earth.
Now stop feeling bad and play with meeeeeeeeee
I have to actually start working in twenty minutes and I'm relying on you to start my day right.

James Potter: hah
like a healthy breakfast cereal

Lily Evans: Yes EXACTLY
Be the Weetabix in this bowl we call life, James

James Potter: you picked the BLANDEST CEREAL?


and what, malted barley extract?! folic acid?!
don't argue this i have googled the ingredients just now
i don't even know WHAT riboflavin is

Add a scoop of yogurt or some sugar or something I don't KNOW

James Potter: so i'm no good by myself, is what you're saying???

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD
What cereal do you WANT to be then?

James Potter: coco pops

Lily Evans: COCO POPS

James Potter: yes


James Potter: they make me feel good EMOTIONALLY which is a form of healthcare and i know that because i did a bunch of training courses when i opened my business and there was a whole afternoon about mental health and they gave me a certificate which might be misplaced currently but which i also DO have in my possession somewhere

Lily Evans: James?

James Potter: yes?

Lily Evans: I'm getting whiplash from this conversation.

James Potter: ah
i think it's the breakneck pace of our perfectly matched wits

Lily Evans: That's such a lovely, comforting thought.

James Potter: so you don't think that anything i said last night was obnoxious or annoying?

Lily Evans: Definitely not
To be honest, I wished I was out with you instead of sitting at home drafting a case summary and Googling James Bond facts so I could make a shortlist of potential middle names
Which robbed me of about an hour of badly needed sleep, by the way

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: I'm thinking of sending you a bill, actually

James Potter: okay but wait

Lily Evans: Time is money, my friend.

James Potter: lily
lily you did NOT make a shortlist

Lily Evans: Oh, I think you'll find I did.

James Potter: i refuse to believe it
that's the kind of thing i would do
not you
you're the sensible one, the one with schedules
and responsibilities

Lily Evans: James, you literally run a staff of six people.

James Potter: and a thorough knowledge of the law!

Lily Evans: Moneypenny
Pierce Brosnan

James Potter: you think my name could be james pierce brosnan potter?

Lily Evans: Well, no, because his first Bond movie came out in 1995, so that's all out of whack with the timeline.

James Potter: someone's thorough

Lily Evans: But what's the alternative, Timothy Dalton?

James Potter: shortlist all you want
until the cows come home
shortlist forever if you need to
but i am not telling you my middle name in a text
it's my one big no
like that meatloaf song
i won't do that

Lily Evans: You could tell me about your oversized head and Martha Lannister's burst blood vessels in a text, but not this?

James Potter: ALLEGEDLY oversized head, excuse me
and i can't text you my middle name because then there's a record
a written record
a record of me CONFIRMING it
when even sirius doesn't know, lily
my own BROTHER

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllllllllll

James Potter: if sirius wound up broke and on the streets i would pay all of his debts for him
and never ask him to pay me back
if he was trapped in a burning building i would risk my life to save him
if his kidneys failed and i was a perfect match and he needed a transplant now?
then call the dermatologist i am READY

Lily Evans: ……that's a skin specialist

James Potter: but give him my middle name?

Lily Evans: You are aware that dermatology concerns the skin, right?

James Potter: not a chance
numquam postea

Lily Evans: Okay but again, WHY would you need a skin specialist??

James Potter: and you wonder why i won't send confirmation of my middle name in text?
in a text that he could HACK?
then extract the data?
USE that data to cause me great distress?
the risk is too great, lily
that name will go to my GRAVE with me before i let sirius find out

Lily Evans: Well, if you're so paranoid about texting it to me, can you tell me what it is over the phone?

James Potter: oh yeah, no problem

Lily Evans: Seriously?

James Potter: yeah, why wouldn't i?

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: what?


James Potter: if you want to meet my crotch so badly, you can just ask

Call me tonight at 9, please
I request your middle name and at least TWO episodes of Baywatch or SO HELP ME

James Potter: lololol
anything you say, gorgeous

Lily Evans: Thank you very kindly, handsome

James Potter: have a great day at work!

Lily Evans: You too!

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 24th October 2020, 12:59 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Ask me what I'm doing tonight.

James Potter: ???

Lily Evans: Just ask me.
I need to vent my feelings about this.

James Potter: ……okay?
what are you doing tonight?

Lily Evans: Oh, I'm so glad you asked!
As it happens I am SUFFERING tonight!

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: I got a text from my friend Mary today
No, haha, not today, this MORNING
At 4 a.m.
Ante Meridiem
You know, when people generally SLEEP?
It said "BITCH we're going speed dating tonight!"

James Potter: what


James Potter: what?
are you joking?

Lily Evans: NO I AM NOT

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: She didn't even ask my permission!

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: Just signed us both up like it wouldn't be an issue????
She's decreed that she's coming round at 7 for "pre-drinks" and "glam-up" and I'm just supposed to go along with this

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: Which means I have until about that time tonight to contract a highly contagious virus.

James Potter: those things are never going around when you need them

Lily Evans: RIGHT?

James Potter: well
so you don't want to go?

Lily Evans: GOD NO
I can think of a THOUSAND better things to do with my Saturday night than be held hostage in the function room of a dank karaoke bar with a bunch of strangers, forced to make polite conversation with a rotating door of "single professionals" who want to know but don't REALLY want to know what my hobbies are while they stare openly at my chest, blank-mindedly trying to sell myself as an interesting person to a man who I couldn't be less interested in, yet still feel obligated to impress, when all the while I'd much rather be sat at home on my sofa watching rubbish and eating spring rolls.
And chicken fried rice.

James Potter: what if you met someone you fancied?

Lily Evans: I won't.

James Potter: why?

Lily Evans: Can I refer you back to earlier where I said that I was SUFFERING, please?
I know I said that I expected to suffer but in actual fact, said suffering has begun in earnest now.

James Potter: so what are you going to do?

Lily Evans: I don't know.
Go and hate every minute, I guess?
She's already paid for admission, and I do plan to kill her but I also don't want to waste her money.

James Potter: can you lie and tell her that you have plans?

Lily Evans: No because my plans were to go out with her tonight, I just didn't know she'd pick THIS as an activity.
Normally it's an Italian restaurant and a few bottles of red wine and re-watching What We Do In The Shadows for the five-zillionth time and she's golden.
But she's feeling shag-happy I guess.
Does it matter to her that I am not? NO

James Potter: so are you like

Lily Evans: ???

James Potter: let me get my words right
you helped me so much with tinder a few weeks ago but i never thought to ask you and clearly that was rude
are you completely averse to dating
or is it speed dating specifically?

Lily Evans: I guess...speed dating specifically?
Well, no, that's a lie.

James Potter: ?

Lily Evans: I also won't do Tinder or Bumble or any of those apps because a) dick pics and b) I've heard horror stories and c) dick pics.
And I never have time to meet people in real life.
And in general I don't go on dates at all.
But I'm not AVERSE
Like, AVERSE averse

James Potter: lol just averse x 1

Lily Evans: I'm not explaining myself well.
I would LOVE to be in a relationship right now, but I just don't think that I'm a particularly desirable candidate, as potential girlfriends go.
So sometimes I feel like it's almost best if I sit it out?
For the other person's sake, I mean.
Does that make sense?

James Potter: um, no?
excuse me WHAT
not desirable?
WHY would you say that about yourself
also are you insane

Lily Evans: Because!

James Potter: lily that is super bananas ridiculous
only a total idiot would think you weren't a "particularly desirable candidate" and i know you're not an idiot

Lily Evans: Because I have such little free time!

James Potter: so what?

Lily Evans: So it's been a CONSTANT complaint when I've dated before!

James Potter: yeah because you dated a selfish dick who broke up with you during your pupillage
on account of he was a selfish dick

Lily Evans: No but it's VALID.
I mean, the complaint is valid, not him. He WAS a dick.
It's just this JOB, there's never a set schedule that I can stick to, there's never a day when I can say for sure that I'll be free at such and such a point in the future, because cases can get thrown at you one or two days in advance and then suddenly whatever evening plans you made have to be scrapped, and I usually wind up working on Saturdays and that makes for huge chunks of my time that get swallowed up by work and I absolutely GET why that would feel like neglect to the person on the other side of the relationship.
And I don't WANT to be the person who makes this amazing, wonderful OTHER person feel neglected.
There are certain people who I just...don't want to do that to.

James Potter: right

Lily Evans: So, yeah.

James Potter: so you're saying that, all things considered, you don't want to get romantically involved with anybody right now?

Lily Evans: No, I do!
Oh my god, I do.
And honestly I would try SO HARD to make things work and make as much time as I could.
The issue is that I would WANT to give so much time that I just don't have
So what do I do in that case? Quit my job? For a relationship? I can't quit my job! That would be such a stupid decision!
I have been backed into an impossible corner by my own career choices and I don't want to be a part-time girlfriend and every time I've TRIED to make it work with somebody they've always come back with the same complaint and I don't want that to happen with someone who could really be IT.
Do you get what I'm trying to say?

James Potter: oh, i get it
i get that you're blaming yourself way too much

Lily Evans: It's really not that.

James Potter: no, that's exactly what it is

Lily Evans: So you don't think it would be remotely selfish of me to start seeing someone at a time when I literally can't cut down on work for the sake of the relationship because it would hurt my career?

James Potter: do you lie about your job when you go into relationships?
like, do you pretend that you have more free time than you do?

Lily Evans: What? Of course I don't.

James Potter: i thought so
so what you're saying
if we break it down
is that you have dated people who walked into the relationship with their eyes wide open, knowing that you had a very demanding job that was inevitably going to fuck up plans on occasion
and when that happened, even though they KNEW it would happen because you'd been honest about it
it somehow became your fault?

Lily Evans: But you can't blame people for thinking they could handle it and then realising that they can't.

James Potter: i can blame whoever i want if they've made you feel this bad about it

Lily Evans: It's not like all of them actively TRIED to make me feel bad.

James Potter: but some did?

Lily Evans: One or two, maybe.
But my point still stands.

James Potter: lily
i don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, and please don't take this the wrong way because i am not diminishing you or your career at all
but you're a barrister, not an astronaut
you don't have to leave for weeks or months at a time
it's not like dating you is like waiting for your husband to return from the war
yeah, you come home late on weeknights and occasionally need to prep for tomorrow until bedtime
yeah, you work most saturday mornings and sometimes you have to cancel plans because things crop up
but that's it
that's not the crisis situation you're imagining

Lily Evans: So why have my past few boyfriends had such a problem with it?

James Potter: i don't care
honestly, i do not care
i cannot emphasise enough how little i care about what was going on in their stupid heads
i just know that they were wrong for you because if they were right for you they would have understood

Lily Evans: Understood what?
That sometimes my job has to be more important than they are?
Because BELIEVE me, that is a wretched thing to have to explain to someone.

James Potter: understood that on the days when your job has to be the most important thing, it doesn't mean that they're NOT important
that you're too phenomenal to pass up
for ANY stupid reason

Lily Evans: Oh

James Potter: i mean GOD just go and get a hobby instead of bitching because your girlfriend has to work it's not HARD
do you know how many hobbies i have?
hobbies are great
i feel like dating someone with hobbies would fix a lot of your problems
lily can't make it to dinner wednesday night? game night it is!

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: there are apps too!
if they don't like hobbies
there are apps for everything nowadays

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: duolingo, that's a thing!
why don't you learn how to say "how was your day at work?" to your girlfriend in arabic instead of complaining to her about it in english, brian???

Lily Evans: But
Wait, WHAT?
Who the hell is Brian?

James Potter: i just don't trust people named brian

Lily Evans: Um

James Potter: it's a very long story that we don't have time for right now
just know that i'm right
about brian and about you

Lily Evans: Right
I mean
Shit, James
I don't even know how to adequately respond to that.
The Brian thing included.

James Potter: it's okay, texts are weird for this sort of thing
anyway my point is
i'm not really sure what my point is
you deserve a lot better

Lily Evans: I did sort of get that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are……too wonderful to properly put into words.

James Potter: so are you

Lily Evans: But can I just get some clarity on one thing?
So I know I'm not going mad or needlessly torturing myself?

James Potter: sure

Lily Evans: This isn't, like, some kind of pep talk to convince me to get into speed dating tonight, is it?

James Potter: NO
nope nope nope

Lily Evans: ????
You seem quite…averse?

James Potter: you might say
averse averse

Lily Evans: Oh?
Do I get to know why?

James Potter: well it's always the weirdos who go to those things, lily!
i am just looking out for you of course!

Lily Evans: ALWAYS the weirdos?
Says who, exactly?

James Potter: um, excuse me
i have met mary one time only and the conversation consisted of her talking AT me for thirty minutes about the fact that she was looking for a sexy dress to wear to the funeral of the father of the guy she was looking to shag
speaking of weirdos, that woman is terrifying

Lily Evans: Oh, so this is all about saving me from Mary's harmful influence, is it?
Nothing else?

James Potter: OBVIOUSLY that's all it is, lily, pls don't be so suspicious i have no other motives at all
and on another, totally unrelated note
bea's party on friday

Lily Evans: Yes?

James Potter: how much of your inestimably precious free time can i reserve for myself?

Lily Evans: Most of it, I think.

James Potter: most of it?

Lily Evans: Oh, all of it, let's be honest.

James Potter: \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Sunday 25th October 2020, 10:47 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: so did you meet the love of your life last night?

Lily Evans: Lolllllllllll

James Potter: no need to break it to me gently i can take it

Lily Evans: I did, actually

James Potter: so i've just learned that i'm a fucking liar

Lily Evans: His name was "five piña coladas in Artesian afterwards"

James Potter: thank you for that horrifying five seconds

Lily Evans: Honestly James, WOULD I?

James Potter: not when you have steak at home

Lily Evans: I deeply appreciate how fun this is and you are lovely but oh GOD, please don't mention food
I'm on the train to Mum's and I am SO hungover and I am HAGGARD and I want to collapse HELP ME

James Potter: lol
sounds like you had fun last night

Lily Evans: You know, I actually did?
Speed dating was SO CRINGE
But in a hilarious way?
I used some of the lines you gave me, by the way, remind me to go through that in detail later.
But it was. SO. CRINGE.
The organisers were like, severely repressed army sergeants with Karen haircuts and glasses of iced chardonnay. Mary and I made a break for it halfway through the evening.
And when I say that, I mean we literally ran.
Like hounds were after us.
Then we got completely trashed on cocktails and wound up at her flat watching What Happens in Vegas at two in the morning and eating kebabs (ehwotifkeogkgogog VOM)
I have had…approximately three hours of sleep?
Less than?
I look like the fourth horseman of the apocalypse.

James Potter: lemme see

Lily Evans: [picture attachment]

James Potter: i don't understand this

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: you've sent me the wrong picture

Lily Evans: No I haven't?

James Potter: then i don't get it
is the haggard fourth horseman BEHIND the beautiful woman?

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD

James Potter: no help me really i'm confused
who is this girl is she single?

Oh my GOD, James
This isn't fair I want a Sunday selfie where is my selfie gimme one gimme your face right now I need it

James Potter: [picture attachment]

Lily Evans: Okay THIS is not fair

James Potter: lol what?

Lily Evans: Are you GLOWING?

James Potter: lol that's sweat, i've just been for a run


James Potter: you seem sleep deprived

Lily Evans: You look so GOOD I want to throw up.

James Potter: madam please that is your hangover speaking

Lily Evans: Urgh noooooooooo
I have to eat a roast dinner today and I can barely keep my water down
Mum is making cauliflower cheese, James
Cauliflower cheese
I had FIVE piña coladas last night and also some wine okay I admit it
But I am pretty sure that cauliflower cheese and coconut rum are NOT friends.
How am I supposed to stomach it?

James Potter: i say don't stomach it
just be sick all over petunia

Lily Evans: LOLLLLL

James Potter: bonus points if you say "aww, that's coconuts!" after you throw up

Lily Evans: Oh my goddddddddddddddd

James Potter: that's a joke that works on many levels

Lily Evans: As much as I'd love to spew chunks all over one of my sister's lavender twinsets, she's not going to be there.

James Potter: bonus

Lily Evans: She and Vernon are in the Lake District with his sister for the weekend, which is good because I'm going to have a discussion with my parents about cutting down on the number of visits I make.
And I could do without her hissing her disapproval in the background.

James Potter: oh wow
that's a big decision for you!

Lily Evans: RIGHT?

James Potter: what made you decide to do it?

Lily Evans: It's something I've been thinking about since talking to you about my job and skipping my visit two weeks ago.
That Sunday was the most I have ever enjoyed the first day of my period and that's like……
I can't even BEGIN to explain how bad things have gotten if I'm sitting at home enjoying the first day of my period.
That shit HURTS
But I got to stay home and take two naps!

James Potter: you also watched the same movie twice, don't forget

Lily Evans: Yes which is like TWO MOVIES!

James Potter: you are very happy so i won't argue that

Lily Evans: ALSO
I got to cook myself dinner with actual kitchen utensils and not a microwave!
I got to talk to Beatrice on the phone for two hours!
And I love my parents, but it's too much for me to have to take the train up every single Sunday and back again that night. If I worked less hours in the week I could deal with it, but I don't. I feel like I get zero days off and I'm so sick of it.
Like, what even is a lie-in?
What is a leisurely breakfast? What is free time?

James Potter: you can combine a lie-in and a leisurely breakfast for maximum zen, pro-tip

Lily Evans: Says the man who got up and went for a run this morning.

James Potter: i'm wearing shorts shorts on friday, thanks to you, gotta look good

Lily Evans: And I'm very grateful to myself for making that decision.

James Potter: perve

Lily Evans: Yes, and?
But on the Mum and Dad subject.

James Potter: spit spot, mustn't get derailed

Lily Evans: I had some time to think last night about what we talked about yesterday, and in the interest of starting out with my best foot forward and also, you know, not losing my mind, I think it's clear that freeing up more time for myself is an immediate priority.
I also think I've been trying too hard to "make it work" with my parents, too.
Not that there are any major issues, but I've had it in my head for years that I'd be letting them down or hurting them if I didn't traipse up there every single weekend, which is silly because Facetime exists.

James Potter: and they could come down here and visit you, right?

Lily Evans: RIGHT! But they never do because we've all gotten used to this being the way things are.

James Potter: how do you think they'll take it?

Lily Evans: My dad definitely won't like it.
I mean, it'll be fine, he's very nice to me in general, but he also thinks that Petunia and I should feel obligated to see them both once a week, which might be where some of my issues around this are coming from, to be honest.
He's big on "family," but not in any real, tangible way, it's this lazy, puerile, mafia-style ideal that he's carrying around in his head, wherein the head of the family (him) is entitled to bottomless respect, and any and all transgressions should be automatically forgiven because "blood."

James Potter: that seems very…uninformed

Lily Evans: And unconsidered.

James Potter: by that logic, you should trust petunia more than you trust me because we don't share dna

Lily Evans: That's true, we don't

James Potter: lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lily Evans: WHAT I'm sitting here innocently doing nothing

James Potter: how many days until the party?

Lily Evans: Urgh FIVE and I'm chock-a-block until then but at least I KNOW I'll be free and work can't drag me back to the depths, so we should be fine, we'll definitely be fine
And Thursday will be fun

James Potter: where are you and bea going?

Lily Evans: The Rowhill Grange in Dartford
It it VERY swanky, I'll have you know
I'm PRETTY sure I'm being treated because she wants my help in setting up for the party the next day but if I'm getting a free spa trip out of the deal I'm not complaining.

James Potter: oh, so you'll accept HER generosity
but if i try to buy you fridge magnets

Lily Evans: You did not get instant abuse!

James Potter: i got told off and accused of being drunk!

Lily Evans: You WERE drunk!

James Potter: i was tipsy, actually, and well in control of my faculties or else i'd have said more things about your boobs
so what's bea's secret, then?

Lily Evans: 20 + years of friendship, I'd say.

James Potter: an unfair advantage

Lily Evans: You have your own advantages, you beautiful prat.

James Potter: \o/
are you feeling a bit better now? less vomity?
drink the rest of your water, by the way

Lily Evans: I'm getting there? Slowly?
I'll feel better once I can sit in a chair that isn't hurtling across the countryside and get this bloody conversation with my parents out of the way.

James Potter: i hope your dad can listen to what you're saying and be less of a soprano about it
you work too hard to feel like you've got no right to time for yourself

Lily Evans: SIGH, I hope so too
But my mother will be fine with it, at least.
Maybe more than fine with it, actually?
She spends a LOT of time telling me that I should take better care of myself.

James Potter: hence the excessive amounts of tinned soup?

Lily Evans: I told you about that?

James Potter: weeks ago, yeah

Lily Evans: Memory like a steel trap, you've got.

James Potter: well it was a serious consideration when i was planning out her painting, actually
how much soup a woman buys for her daughter speaks directly to her taste in art
they teach you that in uni
year 2, animation, introduction to professional practice
"ask the client about soup"

Lily Evans: Sounds like tuition well spent.

James Potter: isn't it just?

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Monday 26th October 2020, 0:01 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: You're probably asleep but I am home and very awake and I have an update and also a present for you.

James Potter: a present???
for me?

Lily Evans: Yup

James Potter: also hi there yes i'm still awake i've been working on sketches
why are YOU still awake?

Lily Evans: I wound up taking a long nap in Mum's house this afternoon.
Lied my bum off when I got there and told them I'd been up all night with a poorly tummy.

James Potter: thank you for reminding me of your bum, much appreciated

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllll
What would you know about my bum?

James Potter: quite fond of it actually

Lily Evans: Since when?

James Potter: since you reached for the box of teabags in your cupboard and i looked

Lily Evans: I thought you were looking at my fridge magnets?

James Potter: your magnets were a secondary concern

Lily Evans: Oh really?

James Potter: yes really

Lily Evans: Sooooooo I guess you could say that it's
Almost as if you were
DRAWN to something else
Much like

James Potter: a magnet?

Lily Evans: A MAGNET

James Potter: lolllll
maybe the real magnets were the bums we met along the way

Lily Evans: Sadly, I did not get a proper look at yours in that tuxedo

James Potter: oh SADLY again

Lily Evans: But I found a way to rectify that problem.
Not that I'm complaining about the tux.
You are a full three courses in a tux.

James Potter: i DID say you had steak at home

Lily Evans: Not in MY home, sadly.

James Potter: SADLY

Lily Evans: SADLY
But at least I get to talk to you before going to bed, cheer myself up a bit.
This is the best part of my day, you know.
Texting you, I mean.

James Potter: it's the best part of mine too

Lily Evans: \o/

James Potter: are you okay though? upset after talking to your parents?
did they believe you when you pulled your sickie?

Lily Evans: Oh yeah, mum treated me like a queen.
Packed my dinner up for me to take home on the train.
On one hand, you could call me deceitful, on the other, that food would have gone in the bin otherwise.
And believe me, it tasted delicious heated up an hour ago.

James Potter: my mum says that i am incapable of guile so i cannot relate to this artful deception
but i am fully prepared to believe that you can handle it like a pro

Lily Evans: Considering the fact that I was walking in there to tell them that I need more time to myself because work has gotten too hectic, I thought it might weaken my position to do it with a massive hangover.
But as it stands, I've cut down to one Sunday a month, plus a Saturday night on special occasions.

James Potter: how did your parents take it?

Lily Evans: It went about as well as I expected, not bad, but not exactly good either?
Dad put on his stern face and started waffling on about how I'm working too much and need to cut down my hours, but his argument was completely predicated on his belief that I'm letting my other obligations (aka my family) slide for the sake of my job, not that I need any more time for myself. It's like he's gotten it into his head that I'm volunteering to do all these extra hours for the fun of it and not because I'm required to.
Then the conversation went in circles for a full half hour.
He'd say something like "If you worked on a more manageable schedule, you'd have time to socialise with your friends during the week and spend weekends with your mother."

James Potter: why your mother and not both of them?

Lily Evans: Because acting like my mum is the sole wounded party here is one of his more trusted guilt-trip techniques. Whatever he can do to win an argument.

James Potter: got it

Lily Evans: Anyway, then I'd explain that I'm already working on the most manageable schedule that I could wrangle, to which he'd tell me to "take on less cases," which he knows I can't do because he's been told a million times.
Although, you know, it's highly possible that he's tuning me out and listening to the Benny Hill theme song in his head whenever I talk about my career. Let's not put that past him.
The whole conversation became a carousel of pointlessness.

James Potter: i can't believe how dismissive he's being
does it bother him that you're a barrister?
because he's reducing your career to a mild annoyance and i can't understand why he'd do that unless he really wanted to make you feel small OR he hates what you do for a living

Lily Evans: I swing between assuming one or the other, honestly.
I do believe my dad wants me to be happy, I just don't think we meld very well as people.
So, just for context, I suppose.
My mother is like, this lovely, vivacious, lively woman who EVERYBODY adores, she's everyone's friend, she's brilliantly witty and clever, and if you looked at my parents' relationship from the outside you'd probably think that she "wears the trousers" because she's the outgoing one.
Pls forgive me for saying "wears the trousers" because I hate that expression.
But she's the one who talks. She's the one who projects that kind of confidence. My dad is comparatively very quiet.
But the truth is, I think one of the reasons WHY my mum is so friendly and cheerful all the time is because, when it comes to conflict, she just…does not want to deal with it. Something in her compels her to shut it down immediately.
And I mean, she's not meek, and she's not passive-aggressive like Petunia, but she'd much rather throw her hands up, say "let's not fight" and give in immediately than argue for herself at all.
Then you have my dad, who is so stubborn and SO firm in his belief that he has the right idea about how EVERYTHING in the world should work, and when you're that kind of person, being married to somebody like my mother means that you start living in a world where you get your own way all the time.
And then you've got Petunia, who just adores my dad and happily lets him act like king of the castle.
And then there's me.

James Potter: and you challenge him, right?
and he doesn't know how to handle that?

Lily Evans: He called me "our little mouthpiece" when I was a teenager, so make what you will of that.

James Potter: no disrespect meant to your dad but
he sounds like he NEEDS to be challenged

Lily Evans: And look, I am NOT glorifying myself here.
Conviction is a great thing to have in my line of work, but I have serious issues around being argumentative and I know that. I can get obnoxious to the point of condescending or even nasty when I'm convinced that I'm right and somebody else is wrong, and that's poison when it bleeds into your relationships.
I have been called out for being dismissive by people who really, really like me before. I KNOW that it's a problem and it's something that I try to be aware of and keep in check.
So I'm not saying that my dad has always been wrong in believing I was difficult, because I HAVE been. Sometimes.
But I also don't think I've ever been wrong in opposing him when I felt like it was warranted.
So he doesn't like that about me.
It's not a gender thing, he's not a sexist person, he's not a bad person, he just HATES not getting his way. Doesn't matter who with.
And unlike me, he doesn't seem to want to improve that part of himself.
Does that make sense?

James Potter: that makes perfect sense
sirius can be a bit like that sometimes, and he's one of my favourite people in the world

Lily Evans: I have no idea if he actually hates my job, or if it's simply that he misses having me around and doesn't know how to put it into words, whereas I know exactly how my mother feels.
I could tell how sad I made her earlier, even though she was completely supportive and encouraging, because she loves having me around and makes sure I know it.
So of course, I feel more guilty about her.
Hence, I needed cheering up.

James Potter: i know there's no point in telling you to try not to feel guilty because it's family and you can't just ignore your feelings
but i think that if you could take an objective step away and give yourself advice, you'd tell yourself to be proud for making a decision that benefits you directly
that also benefits your health
which i something that i can confidently say, according to that misplaced certificate that's knocking around in my office somewhere
this is a good thing that you did for yourself and you'll be happier for it in the long run

Lily Evans: Are you proud of me?

James Potter: am i PROUD of you?
i'm in awe of you
like, in general
but incredibly proud, yeah

Lily Evans: Then I shall just let that tide me over until the guilt wanes.
I'm in awe of you too.

James Potter: seriously?

Lily Evans: YES
Can I ask you a question that's going to sound incredibly weird at first?

James Potter: sure?

Lily Evans: Okay, so like
Do you ever think about a moment in your life when you were perfectly happy or laughing yourself silly or doing something completely, wonderfully FUN and the memory of it feels so lovely and warm, like it was left sitting out in the sun while it waited for you to remember it again?
Have you ever had that feeling? Do you know what I'm getting at?

James Potter: yeah?
or, i mean, i've had something like it

Lily Evans: Well okay, this is the thing, because if somebody could melt down that feeling, pour it into a mould and make a person?
They'd make you.
Because that's like…that's YOU

James Potter: …… 

Lily Evans: Or how you make people feel, at least.
So yeah
I think a bit of awe is warranted.

James Potter: erm
that might be the greatest thing anyone has ever said about me

Lily Evans: Yeah

James Potter: now i'm lost for words THANKS

Lily Evans: Ooops?

James Potter: was that my present?
were you just keeping that up your sleeve for a day when you felt like killing me?

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD
I completely forgot!
Oh god
Please forgive me for the inevitable change in mood, this wasn't my intention at the beginning!

James Potter: ???????????

Lily Evans: [picture attachment]

See, I forgot to mention it before, but my costume arrived.
So I wanted to send you this.
At this terribly inopportune moment.

James Potter: that's
i see
decided to try it on

Lily Evans: Yeah, I have to be sure that it fits me before the party.

James Potter: i
look at you
at you

Lily Evans: Well?

James Potter: this is a lot

Lily Evans: Is it working for me or not?

James Potter: it's

Lily Evans: What do you think?

James Potter: working
i think
i think that
if i was on the beach
and you were
i would

Lily Evans: Is it not clear enough?

James Potter: do you
do you not want me to sleep?
do you not want me to sleep EVER?

Lily Evans: You're undecided. I understand.
I'll put it back on and take another pic, minus the shorts and jacket.


Lily Evans: Whoops?

James Potter: sdohjdoifhjsopiejtksertj

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Tuesday 27th October 2020, 9:41 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: Here's a question for you that just popped into my head.

James Potter: i was literally picking up my phone to text you
lay it on me, i'm here all night

Lily Evans: I read that as "lay on me"

James Potter: do that too

Lily Evans: 3 days, you riotous flirt
Now, may I please ask my question?

James Potter: \o/ go for it

Lily Evans: What's your dad like?

James Potter: LOL

Lily Evans: Omg how is that funny?
I'm only asking because we've already talked so much about my parents and your mother but I know next to nothing about him.
For all I know he could BE Pierce Brosnan.

James Potter: would be a bit of a weird self-burn if pierce brosnan gave his child a middle name inspired by the villain of a bond film he wasn't even in

Lily Evans: As opposed to giving his child……Odd Jobs around the house?


Lily Evans: I accidentally bit my tongue really hard, cried out in pain and embarrassed myself in a meeting earlier today because I was thinking about licking your neck and got quite excited.

James Potter: ……
i forgive you for any bad thing you've ever done ever

Lily Evans: LOL
But back to your father

James Potter: i'd really like to keep talking about the neck thing, actually

Lily Evans: Would you?

James Potter: yes please

Lily Evans: So anyway, back to your father.

James Potter: soihdjseoirkjhespotj

Lily Evans: Why did you laugh when I asked about him? Is what I want to know.

James Potter: it's nothing, honestly
i just found it ironic because i was just about to text you something about my mother
but i'll answer your question first and then
we'll get back to the neck thing?

Lily Evans: Sounds like an even trade.
I might be here for it.

James Potter: my dad is my hero

Lily Evans: Lol, scant praise, I see.

James Potter: i know that sounds like a kind of trite crap that gets trotted out at funerals
but it's true for my dad
i mean, he's a weirdo, but so's my whole family

Lily Evans: Weird how?

James Potter: well on one hand, he's super chilled and polite and always reading broadsheets and if we're out at dinner he stands up whenever a lady at the table gets up or sits back down, and that's like, peak mary poppins
but on the other hand, he always looks like a bit of a scruff and he's obsessed with the gadget show and he keeps getting addicted to those iphone games that suck up all your money by holding you hostage until you buy more gems, and mum keeps having to gently wean him off
also, he once got arrested in 1977 for throwing a cheese sandwich at national front marchers in lewisham
my mum somehow managed to get hold of his mugshot and keeps it on the fridge

Lily Evans: So basically, your dad is a legend?

James Potter: yes
also, before i continue
i should make you aware that his name is fleamont

Lily Evans: Fleamont?

James Potter: fleamont

Lily Evans: This is……a joke, yes?

James Potter: if it is it's a really bad one
mum calls him flea

Lily Evans: FLEA

James Potter: yeah they have a whole bit where they go on about her "having an itch" for him to scratch and him "giving her" the itch and it's definitely sexual and they don't care WHO hears them do it and it's very distressing for me their child


James Potter: please don't ask me to explain i care not to learn

Lily Evans: How did they meet?
I assume you know the story, since they raised you on it.

James Potter: the year was 1970
it was a balmy summer's day

Lily Evans: I should have expected this.

James Potter: he was 19 and she was 18
mum had only been living in england a few days, she'd moved over from greece
she says that she was walking in hampstead heath and she saw him meandering along, muttering to himself, which is what dad does when he's got an idea about something and he's in the early stages of figuring it out
anyway, mum looked at him and thought "he will do nicely"
so she bumped into him on purpose
dad says she took his breath away on the spot
they were married two weeks later

Lily Evans: Two WEEKS?!???

James Potter: yeah i know, my parents are lunatics
but it was their 50th anniversary was in july and they're still madly in love so they must be doing something right

Lily Evans: Wow
I didn't think that actually HAPPENED to people in real life?

James Potter: i mean, it was really fast, but it wasn't a fairytale or anything
mum acted like it was for a long time but she told me the truth a while ago
for the first few years, dad was working in a shit-paying job as a lab assistant and mum was modelling part-time and they struggled for a bit and she says that she
obviously i wasn't there for the first 24 years
but mum says she wasn't her best self until she'd been married to him for a while
not that she was horrible or anything, but she was selfish, her world revolved around her and dad and she never would have stuck her neck out to help another person
but dad would stick his neck out for ANYONE
he'd make time to listen to anyone
honestly i've lost count of the times when i've been at his office or at one of their parties or whatever, and some total stranger will come over and tell me about the time dad helped them out or got them through a bad time
and it's not like these people are his mates either
he's just a good person, like, a really GOOD person
mum says it's in his bone marrow
i guess that after a while of being around him, he made her want to be good too

Lily Evans: So she learned to be less selfish?

James Potter: yeah, she must have
because i've only ever known my mum to be generous
dad's also a very mellow person, but unfortunately my mother was not influenced by this and decided to keep on being dramatic
which i then inherited from her
along with her physical beauty and her inability to play mario kart without getting really angry at everyone in the room

Lily Evans: LOL
Yeah, I'd say there may be a slight touch of the theatrical in you.

James Potter: just a tad, nothing you'd notice
anyway, mum acts like dad pulled her out of a pit of moral depravity but again, she's dramatic, and she helped him improve his life too so i reckon they're even
he never would have started their company without her
one because he didn't have the confidence to do it alone, and two because he can be so scattered sometimes that he needs her help
he just wants to hang out in the lab inventing things all day
mum helped him through all of the practical stuff, making contacts and securing a premises and all of that, basically running the company from the ground up
and she was attending culinary school at the same time
she stayed at sleekeazy for years, too, until it was properly established and she left to open her restaurant

Lily Evans: Your mum owns a RESTAURANT???

James Potter: i didn't tell you?

Lily Evans: NO?????

James Potter: lol yeah
she was head chef there for years until she retired
she still owns the place, though, and she runs masterclasses and she's working on a cookbook
and she's still on the board of sleekeazy
so she's basically busier than me and she'll be 70 next year

Lily Evans: That's insane and impressive and amazing???
Just as a random, objective outsider who is hearing this story for the first time and learning that your parents had a LITERAL Hollywood movie meeting, followed by a supportive, HEALTHY relationship?
I can see why you grew up idealistic.

James Potter: my diet of disney movies and whatever toys i wanted did not help i promise you

Lily Evans: AND
Most importantly
Given what you've just told me about your mum, and who she used to be versus who she is now, it makes me feel more certain than ever that if you talk to her about her interfering in your relationships, she WILL actually listen to you and WANT to make changes for the better.

James Potter: well, you see
that's the thing, actually
the reason i was going to text you in the first place

Lily Evans: Oh?

James Potter: i actually arranged to have a talk with mum tomorrow after work
about what we talked about
about her interfering

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Potter: yeah i texted her and said that i really wanted to speak to her in private about something important
so i'm taking her for dinner tomorrow night and hopefully we can talk it out then

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Potter: are you proud of me?

Lily Evans: I AM

James Potter: honestly, i'm shit scared and have no idea how i'll get the words out
i've never had it out with mum about anything before
but i'm DETERMINED to do it
i've written out what i'm going to say on little cards and everything

Lily Evans: JAMES
This is going to be so good for your relationship!

James Potter: you think?

Lily Evans: Yes of course!

James Potter: as long as it doesn't hurt her
that's what i'm most worried about

Lily Evans: But listen, even if it does hurt her, and it MIGHT, it's not going to do her any harm in the long run.
Knowing that your actions have harmed somebody else is a horrible reality to deal with if you are in any way a decent person, but that's SO much better than continuing to cause harm in ignorance, and I'm sure she'll agree with that once she's taken the time to let it settle.
Any pain she feels will be temporary.

James Potter: i know
and i know i can't let things continue the way they have been
because like
say there's this brilliant, amazing, beautiful woman out there
this woman who i feel is like
completely right for me
not that i'm naming names, of course

Lily Evans: Oh, of course not

James Potter: and say that, by some miracle, she has feelings for me
and we start something

Lily Evans: Not even remotely a miracle, but go off I guess.

James Potter: but then mum starts sticking her nose in and interfering and causing problems and i'm just the idiot who was too cowardly and pathetic to stand up to her and set boundaries
what does it say about me if i can't do that one thing?
that i'm not willing to protect the relationship?
why should she stick with me in that case?

Lily Evans: Can I interject for a second here?

James Potter: sure

Lily Evans: Okay, well firstly, I do think that everything you're saying is valid and I appreciate you SO much for caring about this enough to do something about it
But I also think that the "right person" for you understands that family is complicated and Rome wasn't built in a day.
Because maybe she knows what it's like to have issues with her own family.
Even if your talk tomorrow has the best possible outcome, it's probably going to take your mother some time to unlearn some of her habits.
She'll inevitably mess up and need reminders, and if your past girlfriends would not have been prepared to make some allowances and back you up instead of hiding behind you when you dealt with it all yourself, then they were never right for you to begin with.

James Potter: that's an excellent point
i hadn't really thought of it like that

Lily Evans: It's certainly what I'd want, given how shitty my sister and her husband are.
I know that it's like, the done thing to sit quietly and avoid rocking the boat where family are concerned, but if Petunia and Vernon were dumping on me at a family dinner and I was the only one speaking up for myself while my boyfriend stared at his plate and waited for the unpleasantness to pass, it would make me feel like shit.

James Potter: just so you know
and for future reference
i will NEVER sit and stare at my plate

Lily Evans: I know you won't. I KNOW that.
My own parents do that. Just sit there and keep quiet.

James Potter: your mum really doesn't do conflict, does she?

Lily Evans: Not at all, but I kind of get it where my sister is concerned.
She doesn't think twice about cutting you out for months at a time if you displease her.
Mum loves us both so much and she lives in fear of being shut out and losing contact with Petunia, so she tries to stay out of things.
My father just…doesn't think it's that big a deal, I guess.
"Blood ties" and all. 

James Potter: but that isn't fair on you!

Lily Evans: I know!
It's utterly shitty on me and I don't deserve it, but that's family, innit?

James Potter: innit bruv

Lily Evans: innit m8

James Potter: wotcher pal

Lily Evans: So, you know
I think it's amazing that you're going to talk to your mother and you definitely should and I know she's going to listen and make positive changes because she loves you (more than she loves that Roomba) and wants you to be happy.
But even so, I think the general rule for choosing a partner should be to choose one who will have your back, is all I'm saying.
So just…don't put so much pressure on yourself.
You don't have to deal with this alone.

James Potter: so what you're saying is that i should fall for a boat-rocker?
sounds so easy that i might have already done it

Lily Evans: Hey, you know what they say
If the boat's a-rockin'

James Potter: then don't come a-knockin'?

Lily Evans: Sound advice for any occasion.

James Potter: sound advice that beatrice DEFINITELY wouldn't take

Lily Evans: Oh, that girl would barge RIGHT in.

James Potter: camera at the ready

Lily Evans: For "irrefutable proof"

James Potter: and bragging rights

Lily Evans: Sooooooo weird that you and I seem to be the ones having sex in this totally fictional scenario!

James Potter: lol whoops

Lily Evans: I suppose I'll get an orgasm out of the deal, if I'm taking your word for it.

James Potter: oh, it's at least two or you get your money back

Lily Evans: Swit swoo!

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Wednesday 28th October 2020, 11:57 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: you are probably asleep
or you should be
having lovely dreams about beaches (not the movie) or me, ideally
even more ideally, dreams of me being a hero on the beach and saving someone from a megalodon (named brian)
but lily
lily i did it
i did it i did it i did it i TALKED to her i did it and i SURVIVED
okay that's all goodnight x

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not asleep!
I wanted to wait up and find out how it went so I've been watching Enola Holmes.

James Potter: enola holmes AGAIN?

Lily Evans: Never mind that, HOW DID IT GO?

James Potter: and you didn't have to stay up just for me!
you were in work at 7 this morning get some sleep!

Lily Evans: Shut uppppp I wanted to stay up and I DON'T HAVE WORK TOMORROW REMEMBER?

James Potter: \o/

Lily Evans: But that's another matter and I am infinitely more concerned about you right now.

James Potter: i feel like
i don't know
i feel like i could collapse on my bed fully clothed and sleep for hours and hours and hours
but also like i could run ten marathons
does that make sense?

Lily Evans: That's exactly how I feel after particularly stressful cases finally END.
It makes perfect sense.
And again

James Potter: it went SO much better than i thought it would

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!!!!

James Potter: !!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily Evans: What was her reaction?!

James Potter: well it didn't start off great
at first she was sort of laughing and a bit dismissive
mum can get like that, see
she does this thing where she sort of, like, lightly ignores what you're saying and makes these vague, jokey comments?
which, in her defence, sometimes really IS warranted because i am notorious for theatrically losing my mind over minor things that don't matter and the only way to handle that is to ignore whatever i'm ranting about, it's the only thing that'll make me see what a prat i'm being
so obviously she thought that i was about to start dying on one of my many hills
which instantly made me want to give up and leave
but i just repeated all of the things you told me to say and i was very rational about it so she'd know that it was important
which i will just say now is a BIG deal for me because i know i've told you before that i'm only good at talking when there's nothing at stake
and also because i want praise
ALSO just so you know i only ever lose my mind about minor things
i can be VERY reliable in a real crisis situation

Lily Evans: I honestly have no difficulty believing that.

James Potter: thank u gorgeous <3

Lily Evans: Ur welcome hot stuff <3
And you DESERVE praise!
From everything you've told me about her it's pretty obvious that your mother is a BEHEMOTIC force to be reckoned with, but you met her head on and advocated for yourself for, what, the first time EVER?

James Potter: ever

Lily Evans: And that's HUGE!

James Potter: i mean i've whinged at her loads
i whinge to her about nothing all the time
which is why her auto-response is to shrug off my complaints
but i've never had this kind of conversation with her before
it never even occurred to me to do it, i think subconsciously i assumed that it couldn't be done until you were like "do it" and then it all seemed, not simpler, but attainable?

Lily Evans: I get that.
I think it can be really, really hard to shrug off this inherent FEELING that you are still The Child and that your parents still know better, you know?
Or, no, not EVEN that, I think it's hard to shrug off the feeling that you don't have any right to stand up and SAY that you know better.
Even if you know that you're right, even if logic is telling you that you're right.
I mean, it's basically how we're programmed from birth, right? We start our lives completely, helplessly dependent on these people and for the first few years of our existence we're given no reason to believe that they're NOT the mighty and all-knowing.
Getting past that idea can be weird and hard and messy no matter who your parents are, and your mum is SO strong-willed.

James Potter: you're right, you know
i've always just accepted that she knew everything
never even questioned it
even she says that she's always right about everything, that everyone should do as she says
to be honest, it was surreal to sit across from her tonight and listen to her admit to being wrong

Lily Evans: What exactly did she say when you made your case?

James Potter: nothing, for a while
once it got through to her that what she was doing was actually hurting me, she went very quiet
it was so weird, her face was all pinched for a bit
then she got all teary eyed
and lily, my mum NEVER cries
the closest i've seen her come to it in years was when lena headey didn't win the emmy after her fifth nomination
so i was sitting there, panicking, thinking that my mum was about to start sobbing in amaya which she would never forgive me for because if my mum cried in a public place she would never want to go back there and she loves amaya
but then she took a deep breath and squeezed my hand a lot and APOLOGISED
and it was a proper apology, too!
she acknowledged exactly what she was doing wrong!

Lily Evans: I feel like I should have more to add to the conversation than !!!!!!!!!!!
But I'm just so happy to be reading these words right now.

James Potter: and i believed her
you know how some people tell you what you want to hear just to shut you up? she wasn't doing that

Lily Evans: Did she offer any explanation as to why she's been so pushy before?

James Potter: she said that the way she saw it
her biggest fear is that i would wind up married to someone who didn't deserve me or took advantage of me or was just after my money
which i guess is how most parents feel??
minus the money thing
i appreciate that most parents don't share my family's financial situation, but nobody wants their kid to be mistreated
and sirius is aromantic so of the two of us, i'm the one who she feels like she has to be concerned about
anyway it like, eats into her, the idea that it could happen and that i could get married or have a child with some horrible person and wind up sticking with them out of a sense of obligation
her words, not mine
which i get because she knows how much i want to have kids one day
so she's been trying to do everything she can to make sure that that won't ever happen
but she also agreed that none of that justified her behaviour so she is going to try harder to loosen the apron strings
and she said i shouldn't feel afraid to talk to her about it again if she fucks up
which she probably will, she's acknowledged
but she's going to TRY

Lily Evans: I am so so so so SO happy for you!
And I know I don't know your mother, but I'm happy for her too.
Parents SHOULD apologise to their kids when they fuck up!
So few of them do it!
But your mum did!

James Potter: and it's all because of you
you made this happen

Lily Evans: No, YOU did!
You're the one who had the difficult conversation while I sat here watching Enola Holmes, give yourself some credit.

James Potter: no
this was you
this was all you
i never ever EVER would have had the stomach to speak to her about this if it wasn't for you

Lily Evans: James, it was advice that anyone else could have given you at a different time.
I just happened to get in there first.

James Potter: no lily i'm serious
you are brilliant and incredible and amazing and possibly magic
i'd been so irritated with bea for months over her obsession with setting us up and now i've realised that she paid me the highest fucking compliment of my LIFE by choosing me as the person she wanted for you
out many people does she know? loads?
she picked me?
it doesn't make any sense and it makes LESS sense that you like me and i have to stop this now because

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: there are things i want to say to your face and this is one of them
but i just
i like you SO much

Lily Evans: I like YOU so much!
And I'm not saying everything I should say here and you have to forgive me for it because I'm sort of overwhelmed right now but I like you SO MUCH and you're talking absolute shit about the Beatrice thing because why WOULDN'T anyone pick you?

James Potter: lily it was me who cancelled that date

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: with claudia

Lily Evans: Oh god
Oh god, really?

James Potter: yeah
and i'm such an idiot, i know, i should have told you and i didn't and i gave you that stupid excuse about mum snooping around the house because i didn't know what to say to you
i mean it was true because she WAS snooping around but that's not the reason why

Lily Evans: Oh my god

James Potter: i'd just been to your flat and i got home and i just……i couldn't do it
not with her
all of that stuff about how she told me she was cancelling, what she said and why she did it, that was about me
i shouldn't have lied about it but i wasn't sure how you felt at the time so i did and i'm so sorry, if you're upset or pissed off because i told you a lie i totally get it

Lily Evans: Am I PISSED?
Erm, NO??
James, I was SICK that you were going out with her.

James Potter: really???

Lily Evans: YES
I'd felt so weird about you going in the first place and then you came over and I KNEW what the issue was, what it had been the WHOLE TIME, and it was all MY fault because I'd encouraged you to do it in the first place and I wanted to tear my hair out and I couldn't tell Beatrice because of my stupid fucking pride, so what did I do? Cried to the fucking UBER DRIVER driver about it on the way to the station like a miserable Bridget Jones NUTCASE, hello?!
His name is Zaheer, by the way?
He said that he hopes it all works out between us, NOT THAT THAT'S RELEVANT

James Potter: you cried in the uber?

Lily Evans: I was already crying about the painting, I DO just have to point out

James Potter: i don't want to be the person making you cry!

Lily Evans: It wasn't your fault!

James Potter: yes it was!

Lily Evans: What, you were supposed to just realise how I was feeling before I realised it myself?

James Potter: i realised it eventually so you know
LOGICALLY i could have realised it earlier if i'd been less of an idiot!

Lily Evans: You realised it eventually because I started lamenting aloud that we haven't had sex yet!
Was I subtle about it? NO
Are we using the word "realised" too much? MAYBE?

James Potter: but i'm still sorry for making you cry!

Lily Evans: You don't have to be!

James Potter: and look, if it helps
i drove home like a maniac stuffing cinnamon rolls into my mouth and making weird sounds to myself
not even because they were delicious, which they were
just because you made them
honestly i think i had some sort of breakdown that day and i'm so sorry about claudia
i didn't even want to go out with her before i went to see you, i felt so apathetic about the whole thing but i didn't realise why or what it was or that this was even happening to me until i brought the painting to your flat
but then you opened the door and it was like

Lily Evans: I KNOW

James Potter: hit me right in the stomach


James Potter: right away?

Lily Evans: YES

James Potter: wow

Lily Evans: And then when you left I hid behind my curtains and watched you leave in your car and felt like the biggest prat alive for pushing you towards other women.



James Potter: we're such MORONS

Lily Evans: IDIOTS

James Potter: tag yourself i'm bozo the clown

Lily Evans: Mensa wouldn't even spit at us if we were on fire

James Potter: i am a bigger clown than you, but still
i like you so much!

Lily Evans: I like YOU so much!

James Potter: and we won't see each other until FRIDAY?

Lily Evans: URGH


Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Thursday 29th October 2020, 2:47 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


Lily Evans: I have a top secret message for you.

James Potter: oh?

Lily Evans: Oh, REALLY really

James Potter: should i be alone to see this top secret message?
i'm asking because i'm eating lunch in my office, but peter's sat right next to me playing animal crossing on his switch and complaining because someone lied to him about their turnip prices

Lily Evans: Ideally?
……yes please

James Potter: O_O

Lily Evans: Since, you know……
The future of our nation is at stake.

James Potter: ???????

Lily Evans: This is Special Agent Blade Baywatch, MI5.

James Potter: oh my god
oh my god LILY
you just made my HEART STOP for a second

Lily Evans: Well, what were you expecting, a naughty photo that I took in the spa changing room?
What kind of woman do you think I am?
I am, in fact, contacting you re: a matter of GRAVE importance.
This IS the infamous spy James Potter, yes?

James Potter: yes, it is i
good to hear from you again, agent baywatch
although i thought we agreed that i am to be known only by my alternative name
or moniker if you will

Lily Evans: If I knew what that moniker was, I'd be more than happy to use it.

James Potters: it's……… 

Lily Evans: Rebekah Vardy's account?

James Potter: euphjimian "the ace" hasselhoff


James Potter: it's a finnish name
pls don't laugh, that would be anti-nordic


James Potter: how timely that you speak of water
for i am a child of the fjords

Lily Evans: Aren't fjords more of a Norwegian thing?

James Potter: no, their thing is the norwegian leather industry

Lily Evans: What?!

James Potter: it was in a book i read once

Lily Evans: James, it's DEFINITELY Norway that's known for fjords.

James Potter: excuse me, who is the euphjimian here, me or you?
displeaseth not my viking brethren for they may smite you down

Lily Evans: LOL
I mean, you are for sure the LEAST Viking-ly person I know and Vikings weren't Finnish, but deepest apologies for the administrative error.

James Potter: thank you, agent baywatch, you are forgiven
though i must warn you that i am currently unavailable for undercover missions

Lily Evans: What?
UnACCEPTABLE, more like!

James Potter: that's the way the topiary topples, kid

Lily Evans: At this time I would urge you to refer to the contract you signed upon commencement of your employment as a part-time, unpaid, volunteer spy, where you will note that, barring major illness, death or other mitigating circumstances deemed acceptable by the service, you are mandatorily required to answer to any and all summons to action with haste.
The fight to end terrorism waits for no one, my friend.

James Potter: i think you'll find that i have some of those
mitigating circumstances, i mean

Lily Evans: Which are?

James Potter: i've met someone

Lily Evans: Who?

James Potter: a woman
you don't know her
but she's beautiful and smart and funny and i am super bananas crazy about her

Lily Evans: So what if SHE had an undercover mission for you?

James Potter: then i'd spring into action

Lily Evans: Literally?

James Potter: i mean
when you say "undercover"
how literal are you being?

Lily Evans: Mayyyyyybe very literal?

James Potter: then i would literally spring into action
let me off so i can get her off

Lily Evans: OH
Well, as I am nothing if not horny, please do as you must.
Lol did I say horny? I mean gracious

James Potter: thank you for your understanding
because you see
i might actually die if i don't get my hands on her soon

Lily Evans: You do have very good hands.
That this woman you speak of has not yet been touched by those hands is, I think, quite tragic?

James Potter: a tragedy that i intend to put right very soon

Lily Evans: I've heard it told that she often lies awake at night, thinking about those hands and what they could do to her.
And on that subject, is Peter still with you please say he's gone?


It's in his job description, no?

James Potter: you would think!
but NO, apparently i really need to hear about the turnips

Lily Evans: I suppose I'll just have to go back to the bit instead.

James Potter: grumble grumble grumble

Lily Evans: Hi there it's Agent Baywatch again yadda yadda WHATEVER
So about this woman of yours

James Potter: of mine?

Lily Evans: Yes

James Potter: \o/

Lily Evans: It sounds as if you're trying to tell me that this one woman, in your estimation, is of greater importance than an issue of national security?

James Potter: it's not in my estimation she just IS more important

Lily Evans: And there's really no tempting you away from her?
Not even for the sake of your country?

James Potter: screw the country, i want her
and i can't take her out on dates if i'm called off to outwit russian arms dealers at the baccarat table, can i?

Lily Evans: Why can't she accompany you to the baccarat table?

James Potter: how could I focus on the russian arms dealers if she was at the baccarat table?
how could i focus on the baccarat, even?
furthermore what IS baccarat?

Lily Evans: It's a French word, for one thing.

James Potter: EW NO

Lily Evans: So she must suffer for your lack of focus? Tut tut.
Why can't she deal with the Russian arms dealers herself?

James Potter: because i am very handsome and she will be distracted by me and what my hands are doing to her

Lily Evans: Under the baccarat table?

James Potter: if necessary

Lily Evans: FUCK I'd really like that
Oh god
Why do we keep doing this?!
PETER, remember?

James Potter: why won't he just GO AWAY
i'm going to murder him
not really
shit, i'd feel terrible if i murdered peter
how could i live with myself if i murdered peter?
and why am i even TALKING about this OBVIOUSLY i am not going to murder peter?
i miss you

Lily Evans: I miss you too!
I've spent ten whole minutes in your company TOTAL and still I miss you like crazy.

James Potter: i can't wait to see you tomorrow

Lily Evans: Oh god, me neither
I am having a really nice time today but the time is DRAGGING nonetheless and all I keep thinking about is how badly I want to be alone with you right now
If only all of our friends didn't also have to be at this fucking party tomorrow

James Potter: in remus's house

Lily Evans: Rude of him, tbh

James Potter: getting in the bloody way

Lily Evans: And SPEAKING OF
Since Peter's so intent upon ruining all potential intimate moments and I need to CALM DOWN before I scream so loudly that my shrill shriek smashes all of the artfully placed glass jars of lemon infused water in this relaxation room

[picture attachment]

James Potter: ………… 

Lily Evans: RIGHT?

James Potter: wow

Lily Evans: I KNOW

James Potter: how much did they cut off?!

Lily Evans: Idk all of it??
This is what happens when you overdose on Brad Mondo videos, James.
Drastic and unplanned haircuts.

James Potter: damn
i have no idea who brad mondo is but go beatrice, i guess?

Lily Evans: Doesn't she look incredible?!
When I tell you this is the god's honest truth, I have never known this woman to have anything shorter than waist length hair since we were five years old, easy.
She LIVES to flip it dramatically over one shoulder.

James Potter: so why'd she do it?

Lily Evans: I don't know!
A few hours ago, we were lying facedown on two tables while we waited for our masseuses to come in and she just blurted out, "I think I could rock a pixie cut."
Her masseuse came in and AGREED with her, and we already had appointments at the salon booked so later on she walked in and told them that she wanted it all chopped off.
Now it's just……GONE
They had to braid it all and cut the braids off, she's kept one as a souvenir and it's longer than my arm.

James Potter: it really suits her

Lily Evans: She's got the cheekbones for it.

James Potter: has she shown remus?

Lily Evans: Yeah, he's loving it.
Apparently Morena Baccarin in Deadpool is top of his celebrity shag list so Bea's going to cosplay as her or something idk.
The less I know about their sexual proclivities, the better.

James Potter: it is dead weird to think of remus having a celebrity shag list
but then it's weird to think of him as a person who shags at all

Lily Evans: You've clearly never heard them going at it when you were staying over.

James Potter: you HAVE?

Lily Evans: Babe, why do you think I call them the Addams Family?
All Gomez and Morticia ever want to do is bang.
More to the point, why do you think she calls him Wolfy?

James Potter: i thought it was just a cute nickname!

Lily Evans: Cute how?

James Potter: because puppies are cute and she was making a direct comparison?

Lily Evans: So sweet, so innocent, so wrong.


Lily Evans: What? NO!
It's because he howls during!

James Potter: HE DOES NOT

Lily Evans: Yes he does!
Unless it's Beatrice I heard through the wall, but I'm pretty sure that I'm familiar with the full repertoire of her vocal chords by now.

James Potter: this is so distressing to learn about

Lily Evans: It is a lot more distressing to hear it in person, believe me.
How do YOU think it feels to be drifting off to sleep in their guest room, then suddenly you're wondering if there's a full moon out tonight?

James Potter: NO STOP

Lily Evans: I've stopped, I've stopped!

James Potter: thank you

Lily Evans: lol you're welcome

James Potter: so is it more like a growling thing or is it a full on "ahrwoooooo" that he does?

Lily Evans: …………

James Potter: i really regret asking that

Lily Evans: I mean, if you REALLY want to know……

James Potter: NOPE
let us move swiftly on!
for example
how is your day going?
did you enjoy your massage? did you get your hair done? did i ask about remus's wolf noise? no i did not, you're lying

Lily Evans: Lollllllllllll
The first day of my holiday from stupid, all-encompassing work is proving extremely luxurious, thank you for asking.
Though I'm not nearly as brave as Bea and just got a wash and blowdry.
We went swimming this morning before our massages, next we're getting facials and mani/pedis, then we're having dinner, then I am going to crash into that big, comfy hotel bed tonight and wish you were in it.

James Potter: it's funny that you mention that, actually

Lily Evans: ???

James Potter: well, okay

Lily Evans: If you are secretly here I will rejoice, but since Bea and I are sharing a room I think she might object if you turned up and climbed into bed with me.
I mean, I certainly wouldn't object, but I'm out for vengeance on account of her loud sex sessions so I am clearly in no position to make the ethical call here.

James Potter: haha no
i mean, i WISH i could climb in bed with you, but no, she's safe
i actually wanted to talk to you about somethi

Lily Evans: WHAT?

James Potter: SORRY

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: PETER IS GONE

Lily Evans: What?


Lily Evans: SHIT

James Potter: what what what????

Lily Evans: We're just being called in for our facials!

James Potter: NO

Lily Evans: I'M SORRY!

James Potter: sdagsdohfijsoepirfhjoeirjhoeirhj

Lily Evans: But wait wait wait wait ONE THING before I go!

James Potter: WHAT

Lily Evans: You know how I said that I had a top secret message for you earlier?

James Potter: yeah?

Lily Evans: I actually haven't sent it yet.

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: [picture attachment]

James Potter: FUCK
i just bit a pen in half, lily

Lily Evans: Why on earth did you have a pen in your mouth?

James Potter: IN HALF

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Friday 30th October 2020, 5:48 p.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: i am so sorry about this

Lily Evans: It's okay!

James Potter: no, it really isn't
i'm supposed to be there right now!

Lily Evans: Honestly, it's FINE!
You have nothing to apologise for!
And tbh, we've only JUST finished getting everything ready and I still have one or two things to do
But the pumpkins have all been carved, the spiderwebs are up, all of the snacks have been laid out and the most ridiculous looking haunted house setup I have ever seen in my LIFE is ready to go in the living room.
Bea's filled a small paddling pool with jungle juice for apple bobbing later, be thankful that you get to skip that.
I have something potentially devastating (not really, don't panic) to show you.

James Potter: really?
because i cannot possibly be more devastated than i already am right now
so do your worst

Lily Evans: Drama, James

James Potter: EXCUSE ME?

Lily Evans: Would you like a Bafta for that performance?
I don't have the number for the Screen Actors Guild but I could give it a bash on Google.

James Potter: 40 MINUTES, LILY

Lily Evans: He just wants to get his costume right!

James Potter: he keeps redoing his eyeliner!

Lily Evans: Eyeliner can be very tricky!

James Potter: and why are you on HIS side?!
don't you WANT me to get there??

Lily Evans: I'm not on his side, you sausage.
And of course I want you here! I'm dying to see you!

James Potter: then how are you so CALM?

Lily Evans: Okay, WOAH
Let's dial that accusation back for a moment there, please.
I cannot stop smiling, my stomach's in knots and I've had heart palpitations all day so I most certainly would not categorise myself as CALM right now
Am I a tiny bit more relaxed than I was yesterday? Maybe I am, but YOU try self-completing in a hotel room bed while you bury your face in a pillow and hope that your sleeping best friend doesn't hear you doing it from the other side of the room, and see if that doesn't alter your mood, because I'm kind of high on my own bravery right now.

James Potter: okay but
oh god, lily
you've only brought this up to distract me, haven't you?

Lily Evans: I am merely attempting to anchor you through this very minor storm, my sweet
Why, does the thought of what I did for you last night not……distract you? 

James Potter: of course it does it's all i've been thinking about all day

Lily Evans: \o/ It was fun, wasn't it?

James Potter: very very very very very fun
i'd never sexted before last night, you know

Lily Evans: Really?

James Potter: yeah idk, it's always felt really awkward about it before, but not with you
did i do it right?
i had considered googling tips

Lily Evans: Unrelated, but I wish I hadn't just said "self-completing"
That makes it sound like I submitted a self-assessment tax return without assistance from an independent financial advisor
Also OBVIOUSLY you were good at it my GOD
I came, didn't I?

James Potter: yeah but you did all the work on yourself

Lily Evans: And? You're the one who got me in the mood!
Plus, your instructions were very concise and effective!
Great, now I sound like an IKEA manual.

James Potter: "the wonderful everyday"

Lily Evans: STOP oh my god lmao
It is NOT my fault that I occasionally talk like a deputy headmistress, okay?
Blame the law degree.

James Potter: didn't see much of that law talk last night

Lily Evans: Well I was a bit flustered last night.

James Potter: who would have guessed that miss arse-kicking barrister gets off on being told what to do?

Lily Evans: I do believe you took to giving the orders pretty well once I spilled that secret?

James Potter: i KNOW and i'd never done that before either and now i think
i think i want
i think i MIGHT be addicted

Lily Evans: You will never
Hear me complain about that

James Potter: fuckckckkcksoklcajosdibsdfb
i'm going to lose my MIND if sirius isn't ready in the next 30 seconds
peter and i have been sitting in the car for so long that peter—who, by the way, has come in costume as ME????—has literally dozed off in the passenger seat
which he will be ousted from as soon as sirius comes out, by the way, which will add another 5 minutes to our time while they argue it out
it has been 84 years WHY did i agree to drive them???

Lily Evans: Because you're not drinking and they took advantage of that, just like every other rational person would do.

James Potter: i decided not to drink so that i could be sober for YOU!

Lily Evans: I know! And I am mixing up some delicious non-alcoholic punch for us right now!
Things are GOOD, okay?
We're going to see each other so soon and we'll have the whole night to be together and Beatrice DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT US YET JAMES
I have been AIR-TIGHT
Tupperware WISHES it could

James Potter: how long do you think we'll need to keep up the act?

Lily Evans: Until she gets drunk and stops watching us like a hawk, which hopefully won't take long?
She's still slightly hungover from all the wine she had yesterday.
Honestly, I wouldn't even care about her knowing if this wasn't my first time seeing you in person for more than ten minutes, but I just want to BE with you ALONE without her popping in to point at us and scream.

James Potter: she would definitely point and scream, wouldn't she?

Lily Evans: Like her life depended on it.

James Potter: so we wait until enough people are there/drunk, then sneak away?

Lily Evans: Tell everyone the truth tomorrow and deal with the fallout then?

James Potter: by "deal with the fallout" i assume you mean "change our identities and hide" right?

Lily Evans: Oh definitely. She's going to kill us when she finds out that we kept this from her.

James Potter: so should we work out a code or something for when we want to sneak off?

Lily Evans: I was thinking that at some point during the night, when we're talking to whoever, I'll finish my drink, hand you my empty glass and ask if you could get me another because I left my phone charging in the guest room and need to go and check it.
I figure nobody else will question me asking you because we'll be the only two people not drinking booze.

James Potter: then i'll go to the kitchen, dump the glasses in the sink and follow you up a few minutes later?

Lily Evans: Exactly.

James Potter: sounds good
providing sirius ever leaves the house and gets into the fucking CAR

Lily Evans: Jesus.
How many eyelids does that man have?!

James Potter: never mind that, how many wounds will he have when i'm done with him?
that's the real question
you're a brilliant legal mind, right? what's the general vibe in court when a murder was totally warranted?

Lily Evans: He will be out soon and then you will drive here and everything will be fine!
We're Being Positive, okay?
As long as I get to see you in those tiny pervy shorts at SOME POINT tonight I am going to be happy so right now all you need is a distraction.
That's what I've been doing all day since we got back from the hotel, distracting myself by helping to prep the house.
Like, okay, to throw out something at random that I definitely haven't been mulling over.
Why don't you finish your thought from yesterday?

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: what thought from yesterday?
all i can remember clearly from yesterday is what happened last night

Lily Evans: Really?
That's really ALL you can remember from yesterday?

James Potter: maybe not, but try telling my brain that
you keep popping into it unbidden
it's not my fault, lily, my brain is sick and perverted

Lily Evans: Such a romantic, you are.
I was talking about our plans for the day and you were all like "oh speaking of," remember?
But then Peter left the room and you got excited and lost your train of thought?
And a pen, apparently.

James Potter: i didn't LOSE the pen the pen assaulted me

Lily Evans: But what did you want to talk about?

James Potter: first let's talk more about the pen

Lily Evans: Or let's not?

James Potter: it was a black pen
of the bic persuasion, i believe

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: i had ink on my face
do you know how hard that is to scrub off?
i had to greet people for a room ten minutes later looking like i'd dribbled toxic waste down my chin

Lily Evans: But could they see your erection?

James Potter: no, i hid it behind a clipboard

Lily Evans: YOU HAD ONE?

James Potter: did you expect me NOT TO?!
i practically have one right now!

Lily Evans: WHY?

James Potter: because i want you VERY VERY BADLY

Lily Evans: I want YOU very very badly
And you know what else I want???

James Potter: what????

Lily Evans: To know what you wanted to bloody talk about!

James Potter: aoisjgosihdj
it's stupid

Lily Evans: I bet it isn't.

James Potter: okay it's not stupid but lilyyyyyyyyyy
i'm in a very vulnerable state right now!
i'm wearing short shorts in my car!

Lily Evans: I'm wearing even shorter shorts in Beatrice's house and planning on letting you take them off later

James Potter: …………………DAMN YOU
so this is PROBABLY fine?
but on account of the fact that i'm an idiot, i have now overthought it to the point where i'm not sure if you're going to think it's, like
or, no, not CLINGY but
i am not explaining this well on account of sudden terror
here it is
and fair warning, if what i'm about to tell you SEEMS like i'm being too intense, i promise that i am absolutely NOT trying to do that AT ALL

Lily Evans: ……okay?

James Potter: i just wanted to give us some time together while you don't have to work because i know how much you worry about making time for me
so the thing is
i might have
committed a major abuse of my power

Lily Evans: ?????

James Potter: i sort of...decided to take the next week off work

Lily Evans: YOU DID??

James Potter: because i thought it would be nice for us to spend some proper time together and you said you don't have much planned but there is NO PRESSURE on you here, okay?

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: please don't think that this is me being pushy or trying crowd you or move into your flat for the week or something equally invasive or creepy
although i do love your flat
and your fridge magnets
i have a strange compulsion to count them all, i don't even know why
but that doesn't matter
and i'm not expecting you to give me a whole week of your time, obviously i did not ask you on account of wanting it to be a surprise which i later realised might have been a bad idea

Lily Evans: REALLY?
James you REALLY booked a week off?

James Potter: yes


James Potter: are those good caps or bad caps?

Lily Evans: GOOD CAPS!!!
You really booked time off this isn't a joke you really want to spend the week together???

James Potter: YES OF COURSE I DO

Lily Evans: OMG JAMES

James Potter: i would spend every minute of next week with you if you wanted but it's up to you, honestly i'm just happy that you want to spend any sort of time with me so

Lily Evans: Oh my god STOP I want to spend EVERY minute of next week with you are you SERIOUS?

James Potter: so you're glad i did it?

Lily Evans: YES

James Potter: lol yeah
of course you can meet algernon

Lily Evans: I mean, YES, I want to do other things like go for dinner and do an escape room together and have so much sex that we can't walk afterwards
I SO want to meet your cat!
Oh my god, I can't even fully process this, I'm so happy
I need to calm down right now my face is all red and Beatrice is in my eyeline but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Potter: ME

Lily Evans: YOU ARE JUST
I like you SO much

James Potter: i like YOU so much

Lily Evans: And I FANCY you so much and I just URGSIHF
Distract me please before I literally melt and Beatrice rumbles everything, please oh please

James Potter: okay okay! i can do that!
so hey
speaking of things that people haven't been told yet
what was this devastating thing you wanted to show me?

Lily Evans: OH
Oh yeah!
Well you know that I'm staying here overnight, yeah?

James Potter: yeah?

Lily Evans: Check out what Beatrice left out for me in the guest room, lolllll

[picture attachment]

James Potter: what

Lily Evans: Oh, you never disappoint.

James Potter: NO BUT SHE SAID

Lily Evans: Oi!
I've helped her set the house up for the party, if you'd care to remember!

James Potter: woman you got a free spa trip, now is not the time

Lily Evans: So you're saying that I DON'T deserve chocolates on my pillow?

James Potter: NO
you deserve all the chocolate in the world you goddess of a woman
i am merely feeling personally swindled

Lily Evans: She also left condoms.
Like……a tellingly plentiful amount of condoms.  

James Potter: lol
what does she think we're going to do tonight, HAVE SEX?

Lily Evans: In her GUEST BEDROOM?

James Potter: that has a LOCK on the door?

Lily Evans: With lots of people downstairs MAKING NOISE?

James Potter: while we are on a DIFFERENT FLOOR?

Lily Evans: In a room that has a BED?

James Potter: imagine

Lily Evans: IMAGINE

James Potter: although
we probably
we definitely SHOULDN'T have sex in remus and bea's house, right?

Lily Evans: Oh, god no, we definitely shouldn't.
Like, in no way should we even try.

James Potter: it would be really rude

Lily Evans: And sort of messed up?

James Potter: other people downstairs might hear us

Lily Evans: Or she could kick down the door and catch us.

James Potter: yeah
sounds like something she'd do

Lily Evans: Oh, definitely.

James Potter: definitely

Lily Evans: James?

James Potter: we're going to do it anyway, right?

Lily Evans: Yes we fucking well are

James Potter: \o/

Chapter Text

Private WhatsApp Chat

Resumed on: Saturday 31st October 2020, 2:05 a.m.

Members: Lily Evans, James Potter


James Potter: so
that was unexpected and terrible

Lily Evans: Hi <3

James Potter: hey you <3

Lily Evans: What a clusterfuck of an evening this turned out to be.
How is he doing?
Is everything okay?
Are YOU okay? Is he??

James Potter: i think so?
i hope so
they said they can fix it and they've brought him in for emergency surgery, so i've sat down in the waiting room finally
not fun when you're dressed in a baywatch costume, by the way
also, sirius stretched out on the back seat and fell asleep about 30 seconds after the car got going
either he's still asleep out there or he's dead
and honestly, right now i don't give a shit either way

Lily Evans: Jesus

James Potter: i know

Lily Evans: Of all the ways I envisioned this night ending

James Potter: right?

Lily Evans: Handing you a severed human finger in a plastic sandwich baggie was...really not it

James Potter: i guess nothing kills the mood faster than a spot of digital mutilation

Lily Evans: Nope, that pretty much wins.

James Potter: and that will never not be our first time
will never not be our first time
we can't undo it

Lily Evans: Look, if any part of this relationship had subscribed more to convention over the past few weeks, I'd probably be more surprised about this than I am.
And it's not THAT bad!

James Potter: it's hard to see how it could be worse

Lily Evans: Well
He could have taken the whole hand off?

James Potter: don't make me laugh in this waiting room please

Lily Evans: He and Sirius could have BOTH chopped their fingers off simultaneously.
You know, like really really terrible Teppanyaki.

James Potter: LILY

Lily Evans: I'm just trying to cheer you up!

James Potter: you are
the most beautiful
sweet funny kind brilliant and spectacular woman in the world
you are cheering me up just by texting me in the first place
and look, thank you so much for
i cannot fucking BELIEVE i'm saying this
to you
right now
after everything
but thank you for wrapping up my friend's severed finger and putting it in a plastic sandwich baggie
thank you for being the only other person the entire house who could act like an adult

Lily Evans: James, it's FINE.
Everybody else was drunk out of their minds.
What did you think I was going to do? Leave you to deal with it alone?

James Potter: in this case i would not have blamed you

Lily Evans: I would have!
I don't have your back selectively, it's all or nothing.

James Potter: you're amazing

Lily Evans: YOU'RE amazing

James Potter: and peter owes you big time for this
the doctor we spoke to said that if the finger had been put directly on the ice, it would have damaged the severed bit too much to reattach
something about ice burn or something
so you saved the day with that one

Lily Evans: Thanks, I'll enjoy lording that over Kingsley when I talk to him next.

James Potter: the man knows his coffees, but nothing about amputated finger preservation

Lily Evans: And do we really want that kind of person serving us drinks?

James Potter: where are his health and safety qualifications?

Lily Evans: I'll report him to the HSE immediately, this madness must be stopped.

James Potter: i swear, peter better THROW himself on the ground and grovel before you when he sees you next
if he does not
i will litter his path with stray legos when he's walking in bare feet
i was going to say "chop another finger" but that seemed too brutal
if they can reattach this bloody thing it will be because of you

Lily Evans: No, it'll be because of YOU
Do you know how FRANTIC the emergency services get over Halloween weekend?

James Potter: oh yeah, it's their busiest time of year
generally because of drunk WANKERS like sirius and peter
hence the reason i hate drinking holidays

Lily Evans: We'd probably still be waiting for an ambulance if you hadn't brought him to the hospital yourself.

James Potter: i am going to murder them both
or, maybe not peter, but sirius for daring him to do it in the fucking first place
of all nights to do this to me when i SPECIFICALLY asked them to behave themselves
who JUGGLES knives?!!

Lily Evans: Sirius, apparently?

James Potter: this is just
this so NOT why i decided not to drink

Lily Evans: I know
But Peter is incredibly fortunate that you did

James Potter: i know
and i am really glad that he'll be okay
but SO mad at him
but relieved
but SO MAD

Lily Evans: You must be exhausted.

James Potter: i honestly feel like i could pass out right where i'm sitting except i'd definitely fall out of my chair and everyone in this waiting room has suffered enough without accidentally catching a glimpse up my shorts

Lily Evans: Please try to remain conscious.
If for no other reason, then because I am quite adamant that only I should get to see what you've got up your shorts.

James Potter: anything for my one and only

Lily Evans: <3

James Potter: how is everything back there?
party still going on?

Lily Evans: Nah, it pretty much died with Peter's accident.
I think that was a bit TOO Halloween-appropriate for the guests, yeah?

James Potter: lol yeah, fright horror scenes in the kitchen might be going a bit too far

Lily Evans: We got everyone to leave pretty quickly after you guys, but the three of us were all wide awake, and Beatrice was freaking out about leaving the cleanup until tomorrow.
Which is fair, considering the severed finger that rolled across their kitchen counter.

James Potter: understandable, yeah

Lily Evans: So we cleaned up.
I say "we cleaned up" but what I mean is "Remus and I cleaned up" because Beatrice was vomiting whole litres of jungle juice.
Now we're in the living room, watching Hocus Pocus in the dark.

James Potter: bette midler singing at the party is my favourite part

Lily Evans: Mine too :)

James Potter: have you told her about us yet?
beatrice, i mean

Lily Evans: I was going to, but she guessed before I could.
Immediately, so she says.

James Potter: oh?

Lily Evans: It seems like we both misjudged her completely because she said she could tell things were romantic between us as soon as you walked in.

James Potter: what do you think tipped her off?

Lily Evans: Me leaping into your arms?

James Potter: i guess that's
generally not how friends hug, is it?

Lily Evans: Friends also tend to let go much quicker.
My feet did not touch ground for at least a solid twenty seconds.

James Potter: i know, i'm sorry
i didn't want to let you go

Lily Evans: I didn't want you to let me go

James Potter: then i won't

Lily Evans: Ever?

James Potter: i think i can agree to those terms
i'm sorry that you've been left to deal with her alone
that wasn't the plan at all

Lily Evans: Well, actually, that was another misjudgement.
She's been incredibly sweet about the whole thing.
And not smug at all? Which means either her better nature took the wheel or there's some residual drunkenness lingering.

James Potter: that or she's had a lobotomy 

Lily Evans: Always possible.

James Potter: or remus is withholding sex to make her behave

Lily Evans: He'd never, old Wolfy's too addicted.
I mean, there was definitely a GLINT in her eye when she was talking to me, so maybe she's just saving the smug explosion for when we're both in front of her?
But she was nice tonight and I appreciated it.
She said some lovely things about you, too.

James Potter: like what?

Lily Evans: Like, about how much you mean to Remus.
And how she knows that she's been unbearable and pushy about wanting us to meet, but it was only because you're kind and generous and one of the best people she's ever met.
And that you feel like a brother to her, and how nice that is because her own brother can be such a massive shit.
And, for selfish reasons, she wants to start hosting couples game nights and for that she needs more couples.

James Potter: that's really sweet of her

Lily Evans: Well, that's the thing about Beatrice.
She hides her boundless sweetness well beneath her veneer of outrageous scheming so you can't see it until it jumps out and hits you square in the chest.
And she was right about us in the end, wasn't she?

James Potter: yeah, she definitely was
and we could definitely annihilate her and remus on couples game nights

Lily Evans: Oh, we could thrash them without breaking a sweat.

James Potter: i wish you could have come to the hospital
you could have if sirius hadn't insisted on stretching out in the back
i KNEW he'd fall asleep, the useless bugger

Lily Evans: Well, he knows Peter much better than I do.
And I do kind of want his approval on account of he's your brother and all.

James Potter: please, he likes you plenty
he wouldn't have stood around talking to you for an hour if he didn't like you

Lily Evans: But all he did was ask me questions about my job non-stop.

James Potter: yeah, which means he finds you interesting
to be honest i was kind of embarrassed
here he was, asking you all of these interesting questions and i hardly ever ask you about your work

Lily Evans: Which is exactly how I like it, thank you very much.
I get enough of that AT work.

James Potter: fair enough, duly noted
speaking of what happened when we finally escaped him
are you, y'know
okay about everything?

Lily Evans: Of course I'm okay, I've got all of my fingers.

James Potter: no, i mean
the other thing
you're not like
having regrets or anything?

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: just because of the way everything happened!
i wanted to check

Lily Evans: Have I given you the impression that I regret it?

James Potter: well no, but i wanted to make sure

Lily Evans: Because I'm remembering it right now and I feel like I was a very enthusiastic participant.

James Potter: you were and it was amazing, but i feel like we just sort of……leapt at it?
the PLAN wasn't to just go from 0 to 100
there were things i wanted to tell you first
things i've only wanted to tell you in person
i was going to build up to it, not start kissing you the minute we were alone

Lily Evans: Are YOU having regrets?

James Potter: GOD NO
definitely not
lily, i've seen you naked
i've kissed you EVERYWHERE
you came against my mouth and i could feel your pulse in my tongue and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me IN MY LIFE
until my mates RUINED it
i just wanted to make sure that you weren't regretting it or feeling like things moved too fast

Lily Evans: Why would I regret something that we'd basically planned to do as soon as we could?

James Potter: because full disclosure, that is not something i've EVER done that quickly

Lily Evans: Neither have I
I mean, now I have
But never before tonight

James Potter: but you're okay and you're not regretting it?

Lily Evans: I'm better than okay, and I am definitely NOT regretting it.
Did I enjoy being interrupted by the bloodcurdling scream of a man who had cut off his own finger?
I'm gonna be honest, James
That part wasn't ideal?

James Potter: lol

Lily Evans: But don't you think there's something to be said for the fact that this was the first and (hopefully) only time in my life that I've been interrupted during sex by the bloodcurdling scream of a man who had cut off his own finger, and it was STILL phenomenal?

James Potter: o rly???

Lily Evans: James, I was SHAKING, don't pretend you don't know

James Potter: you could've been cold!

Lily Evans: While I was pinned beneath you?!

James Potter: i don't know!

Lily Evans: Yes you do!
And I know you're digging for compliments.

James Potter: honestly i'm not i just want feedback

Lily Evans: I am side-eyeing you so hard right now.

James Potter: you were doing something else "so hard" earlier

Lily Evans: YOU
Where is my feedback? Where is my praise? Why haven't I been told how good I was?

James Potter: well firstly
because i feel like the feedback you got in the throes of it all was pretty enthusiastic
you were incredible
if i get an erection in this hospital waiting room and in these shorts i don't think i'll be able to take it, emotionally speaking, so we have to talk about something else
but we're clear that you're not wishing you hadn't done it, right?

Lily Evans: James, it was LOVELY
I want to do it again and again and again and again and again
Ideally in a situation where you get to finish and we can't be interrupted by our friends while you are actively inside me

James Potter: i wish i was inside you right now

Lily Evans: Waiting room + shorts, James

James Potter: URGH
our bloody friends!!!

Lily Evans: Our LITERALLY bloody friends!

James Potter: but thank GOD you're not regretting it
there was this really surreal moment in the kitchen where we were all standing there and everyone else was screaming and wailing and flapping around and i was watching you wrap pete's finger up while i held his hand over his head and i was SO convinced that i had completely blown it

Lily Evans: Yeah you really blew it with me by springing into action to come to the aid of an injured friend.
Nothing sexy about that at all.

James Potter: so you're saying you think i'm sexy?

Lily Evans: I'm saying I'm so attracted to you that it makes me feel wild
Savage, really

James Potter: why was i braced for a deflection?

Lily Evans: Because that's classic me, innit?

James Potter: lol
classic you

Lily Evans: Say something flirty, deflect, it's my thing

James Potter: SADLY

Lily Evans: SADLY

James Potter: swifter than a tennis pro, you are
works every time

Lily Evans: See? You do know me well.

James Potter: did you think i didn't?

Lily Evans: No, I knew
But I think you give yourself less credit than you deserve

James Potter: what do you mean?

Lily Evans: I mean like, how you were worried that I'd react poorly to you taking time off work to be with me
And now asking me if I regret having sex with you
It's like
I think you see yourself as more invested in this than I am?

James Potter: oh
it's not that, exactly

Lily Evans: No, wait
Can I say this one thing?

James Potter: sure

Lily Evans: I know that everything was……kind of mental tonight.
And that you wound up carting a nine-fingered man off to hospital instead of spending yourself inside me like your body was CLEARLY designed to do.
But the fact that you thought you'd blown it because your friend cut his finger off is just……
James, I am the LAST person you need to be concerned about right now.
I mean, god, if you DID want to spend the whole week living in my flat, do you really think I'd say no??

James Potter: it had crossed my mind that it might wind you up

Lily Evans: Well it wouldn't!
Except I DO really want to meet your cat so we'd have to go to your house eventually, but that is my only sticking point.

James Potter: i know
and i know how much you like me
it's just
what i'm dealing with in my head right now is like
my feelings for you are very
how do i explain this
more than they should be
or more than i'd expect them to be
i mean, they're A LOT and i've only known you a month
a month is not a long time
what i'm FEELING isn't appropriate for a month
and that isn't to say that i feel like i need more from you than you're comfortable with right now
because i don't

Lily Evans: I'm in love with you, James

James Potter: and i don't want you to feel like i'm trying to push

Lily Evans: I'm in love with you.
And I'm not even sure why I'm saying this while you're……where you are, and I'm here? When I've met you in person twice? When Mary and my mother and a collective flock of agony aunts would probably tell me "no, you stupid idiot, STOP" if they could see me now? I'm being incredibly fucking stupid.
But I dunno, James
I love you and I think you might love me? Maybe?
And look, I know I could be wrong
I know that I could have misjudged, that it could just be that you like me a lot—a WHOLE lot, I realise—but you're not quite THERE yet, and if that's true that's fine, I don't need any more from you than whatever you can give right now and we both have to move at our own pace and that's not something I have a problem with.
But I am there
I'm like…very there
All in, completely consumed by it, you are my happy feeling and the person I wish I could fall asleep next to at night THERE and it seems so utterly insane to me that you could even THINK you've got something to be worried about
And now you haven't talked in a while and I'm starting to think that maybe I might need to worry
But fuck it, what am I supposed to do with this? Lie?
Whatever this is between the two of us, I'm IN. And I mean, really, fully IN, whatever that means to you.
This is how I feel how do you feel?

James Potter: you love me?
that's real?

Lily Evans: Yeah, it's real.

James Potter: but, no
i don't think you understand what i'm asking
is it really, REALLY real?

Lily Evans: I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, would I?

James Potter: no of course you wouldn't
you wouldn't say something you don't mean
i wasn't trying to say that you would
i'm sorry, i'm not really reacting with a clear head right now, this waiting room smells weird and there's this drunk woman crying and demanding something called warfarin which tbh i'd always thought was some kind of rat poison but clearly i'm wrong?
do you know what warfarin is?

Lily Evans: Not to be pushy or anything, James
But as I DID just tell you that I'm in love with you IS NOW REALLY THE TIME?

James Potter: NO IT ISN'T

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: i love you too

Lily Evans: I SWEAR
Oh god
You do?

James Potter: YES

Lily Evans: And you're sure?
Absolutely sure?

James Potter: i am more sure about that than i am about the fact that france is shit and it is SHIT, lily
i mean, tremendously
they have SO many riots? WHY

Lily Evans: So you knew that you loved me and you decided to leave me HANGING?
And now you're talking about FRANCE?

James Potter: nonono nooooooo no i'm sorry!
i was having a reaction and my hands were shaking and i couldn't think but i was
oh god i do love you though

Lily Evans: The terror you just put me through MY GOD

James Potter: no but listen
lily, of COURSE i love you!
i have been falling in love with you since day one
i just didn't know that it was happening at the time but that IS what was happening
and now i DO know it and i was freaking out because i thought it would scare you and i've, christ i've been acting ridiculous

Lily Evans: Is THAT why you were worried about booking time off?!

James Potter: um

Lily Evans: Why on earth would I be scared of you LOVING me?

James Potter: because it's only been a month!

Lily Evans: Says the man whose parents got married after TWO WEEKS!

James Potter: well yeah, but my parents are WEIRDOS!

Lily Evans: Well, fine, we're weirdos too!
I'll BE a weirdo, I can live with that.
And so what if it only took us a month?
This is how I feel and I can't bloody well change it and I don't WANT to.

James Potter: i don't want to either!

Lily Evans: Shit, James.
We're both utterly mental, aren't we?

James Potter: oh, completely nuts

Lily Evans: Do you care?

James Potter: NO I REALLY DON'T

This is going to be the thing that does push Bea into immeasurable smugness once the jungle juice inertia has passed and she properly sobers up, isn't it?

James Potter: yeah i'm pretty sure we're never living this down
she tries to set us up
we're all "ew david!"
then what? we fall in love in a MONTH?

Lily Evans: She's going to, like
Make an announcement in The Times, or something

James Potter: nah, she'll put a surreptitiously obtained photo of us shagging in national geographic magazine

Lily Evans: She'll buy a full page spread in Horse & Hound
It's not horse or hound related but that won't hold her back

James Potter: cross-stitch weekly

Lily Evans: Topiaries of the Month

James Potter: topiaries today

Lily Evans: Top Topiaries

James Potter: the topiary tales

Lily Evans: And EVERY conceivable edition of Vogue.

James Potter: someone at condé nast is about to get bribed to shit

Lily Evans: The next few days are going to be such a Big Thing with our mates, aren't they?

James Potter: yup

Lily Evans: And it doesn't matter where we hide, either
She'll find us
My flat, your house

James Potter: blenheim palace

Lily Evans: The lido in Tooting Bec

James Potter: in an underground bunker in croydon

Lily Evans: In the middle part of Aldi where they sell random shit nobody needs

James Potter: crouched amongst vertical rotisseries and craft brew kits

Lily Evans: She'll hunt us down

James Potter: like a bloodhound

Lily Evans: In high-heeled shoes

James Potter: and full vanessa carlysle cosplay

Lily Evans: While Remus howls his support in a Deadpool unitard.

James Potter: bloodhound appropriate, really?

Lily Evans: Can't believe we're meeting our end in the middle aisle of Aldi.

James Potter: or, wait
oh my god
lily lily lily lily LILY

Lily Evans: I also can't believe that you're impersonating yourself during sex at this very fraught moment.

James Potter: first of all, NOT accurate i am FAR more of a moaner and you fully remove my ability to form coherent words
but getting back to it please LILY
i thought of something
i know how we can avoid it

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: all of it
bea and remus and the aldi lynching

Lily Evans: LYNCHING?

James Potter: i just have to check something
give me like, two minutes

Lily Evans: Check what???
What are you checking??
Is it hitmen?
Expensive hitmen?
Because I would have a problem with that despite all jokes to the contrary.

James Potter: okay here it is
are you ready?

Lily Evans: For what???

James Potter: saint

Lily Evans: Who?

James Potter: saint martin's not a person you sausage
the place
in the caribbean
let's GO there

Lily Evans: Lol when?

James Potter: today
i just looked it up

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: it's perfect, weather looks great, and there's a flight leaving heathrow at 3:30 this afternoon

Lily Evans: WHAT

James Potter: i can book them now, come back to bea's after i hear from the doctors about peter, then we can pick a hotel together, get some sleep, get up and pack and leave and just GO
a full week in paradise playing baywatch for real what do you think?

Lily Evans: JAMES

James Potter: why not?

Are you SERIOUS right now???

James Potter: yes

Lily Evans: Are you CRAZY?

James Potter: yes, we're crazy weirdos like my parents, as we JUST established
you have the time, i have the time, we've got nothing else planned
i'll even introduce you to algernon before we leave

Lily Evans: But it's so SOON??

James Potter: in terms of time itself, or so soon in the relationship?

Lily Evans: Both?????

James Potter: and?
lily it has beaches and sunshine and palm trees
and none of our friends
we can swim in the sea and drink rum and look at adorable turtles and have sex in a canopy bed and be completely alone together
because NONE of our friends are there

Lily Evans: Oh god, none of our friends are there

James Potter: and when do you EVER get the chance to spontaneously go away like this?
aside from right now, lily, when??
when is your job going to let you do this?

Lily Evans: But I can't ask you to pay for a random trip to the Caribbean, it's not fair on you!

James Potter: no, what's NOT fair is my percentage of wealth vs other people's percentage of wealth
literally nothing in my life besides that fucking roomba have been unfair on me
i was born rich and i'm very good looking and the woman of my dreams LOVES me, stick a knife in me and i probably wouldn't bleed
plus, you're not asking if i'm offering?

Lily Evans: BUT

James Potter: look, it's not a problem, i have the money and i want to spend it on this
because i don't know if you know this about my girlfriend
but it's her dream to take a long walk on a tropical beach and i would like to make that come true if she could please stop being so difficult

Lily Evans: DIFFICULT?!

James Potter: so i'll take that as a yes to saint martin?

Lily Evans: You are doing a number on my guilt synapses here and I DON'T APPRECIATE IT!

James Potter: so that's a yes

Lily Evans: URGH
It's a sdgikjhif???

James Potter: to be clear, you're saying sdgikjhif to
let's see
palm trees?
catamaran trips around the islands on blue blue water?
horseback rides along the shore?
romantic dinners on the beach at sunset?
cocktails by the pool?
absolutely NONE of our friends?

Lily Evans: Okay okay I'll go I'll go I'll GO
Oh my god
My heart
It's beating so fast I can't believe this

James Potter: i can't believe you love me so i guess we're even

Lily Evans: But we are flying in COACH, do you hear?
No needless expense!

James Potter: lol sure, we're "flying coach"

Lily Evans: :O
The AUDACITY you have!

James Potter: yeah, and you get off on it

Lily Evans: !!!!!!!!!

James Potter: oh look, she's finally speechless

Lily Evans: My god, Potter
One lousy little "I love you" and suddenly you think you're James Bond

James Potter: that's euphjimian hasselhoff to you, baywatch

Lily Evans: I love you so much, you weirdo

James Potter: i love you so much too

Lily Evans: \o/

James Potter: \o/