The students were all gathered in the Great Hall, talking and laughing among themselves as they ate breakfast. No one looked twice when several owls appeared to deliver the usual letters. Owls circled the tables, throwing newspapers and eating snacks. Everything was perfectly normal, until at the Gryffindor table, Hermione Granger, who sipped his pumpkin juice quietly, choked the moment he read the headline of the Daily Prophet.
HARRY POTTER SLEEPING WITH DARK LORD: Causal or Serious?
And to the girl's horror, there was a big photo to prove the news. The first thing she noticed was the place where the photo had been taken, the Hall of Prophecy in the Department of Mysteries. The second she noticed was that Lord Voldemort was pressing someone on the wall. The third thing she noticed was that Lord Voldemort was naked, leaving his incredibly firm and beautiful ass in the middle of the photo. The fourth thing she noticed was the red Gryffindor robes that were torn and dumped on the floor. The fifth thing she noticed was the slim figure that Lord Voldemort pressed against the wall. The naked body. The sixth thing she noticed was a head full of messy dark hair. The seventh thing she noticed was the lightning scar on her forehead.
Lord Voldemort fucked Harry bloody Potter on the wall. A Harry Potter who had his pale legs around the Dark Lord's waist.
The photo moved, and Harry threw his head back, probably moaning, Hermione thanked Merlin for not being able to hear, while Lord Voldemort rested his head on Harry's bare shoulder.
The Great Hall was totally silent, a leaf could fall to the floor that everyone would hear, the students and teachers seemed to have lost the desire to eat, and probably the desire to speak too. Ron, beside Hermione, held the sausage fork still on the way to his mouth.
All of a sudden, the great doors of the Great Hall opened, only to appear a disheveled Harry Potter with suspicious red marks on the neck. Harry's black hair was even more disheveled than normal, the hairs on the back of his neck were raised as if someone had pulled them out repeatedly. His lips were red and bruised and had a satisfied little smile. Oh, shit, Hermione thought, he looks like someone who just had sex.
He walked happily to the Gryffindor table, not even seeming to notice the wide, astonished looks he received from the entire population of Hogwarts. Harry threw himself into the empty seat next to Hermione and began quietly putting food on the plate, while humming a muggle song that Hermione vaguely remembered hearing.
Hermione slowly put her glass of pumpkin juice on the table, and turned to Harry. "Er, Harry?" She asked hesitantly.
"Yes?" Harry spoke as he passed jam on one of his toasts.
"Did you see today's, hm, Daily Prophet?" Hermione had to congratulate herself for keeping the facade stoic, because all she wanted most was to grab Harry and force him to say why the hell there was a picture of him fucking Voldemort at the Ministry.
"Not yet because?" He said, nibbling on the toast with bruised lips.
"You better see." She threw the newspaper at Harry's empty hand.
Hermione and the entire population of Hogwarts watched in silence as Harry read the headline. After a few seconds of total silence, Harry tossed the newspaper on the table and laughed. LAUGHED. Laughter. Loud and fun laughter. In the silence across the room, the laughter echoed even louder.
He turned to smile happily at Hermione. "Wow, that angle really did value Tom's ass!"
Hermione blinked in a daze, she was sure her expression would have been funny if she hadn't been totally shocked. "Tom? Harry, this is Voldemort!"
There were loud gasps under the name You-Know-Who, but neither Hermione nor Harry seemed to have noticed. Harry gave the thick-haired girl a strange look. "I know, Hermione, what do you think I do? I go out having sex without even knowing who?"
"Wha-?" Hermione squeaked, but Harry didn't hear.
"Look, Hermione, an intimate photo of me with my lover was published in a newspaper for everyone to see and you seem to be mad at me!" Harry spoke irritably.
"Lover? Harry, this is VOLDEMORT!" Hermione shouted.
Harry threw the food on the plate, he took a deep breath and licked his lips with his eyes closed. "I don't want to fight you, Hermione, but this is getting ridiculous!"
The tone in Harry's voice made Hermione step back. Harry Potter's humor was famous in the Gryffindor Common Room, and honestly, Hermione didn't want to witness it again. Ron seemed to come out of his stupor, he put his fork on his plate full of food and turned to Harry. "This photo is in the Department of Mysteries." He stated incredulously.
Harry rolled his eyes at his best friend, but said nothing.
"Last year, we went with you to the Ministry." Ron said, he ran a hand through his red hair. "Are you saying that while we were fighting with Death Eaters, you were being fucked by Voldemort?"
Harry grimaced at Ron's rude words, but nodded. "Yes."
Ron passed out. He fell behind the chair, hitting his head hard on the floor, the sound of his skull against the floor echoing throughout the room. Hermione stood up to help him, she knelt beside his friend's limp body and shook his shoulders.
The students stared at the scene without even blinking, as still as if they were standing on Petrificus Totalus. At the Slytherin table, the children of the Death Eaters looked at Potter in disbelief. They didn't know how to react, if Potter was screwing their lord, it meant that he had joined the side of darkness, right? Should they celebrate?
At the teachers' desk, Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat. His blue eyes did not have the usual shine, the old director was paler than usual. The headmaster looked at Harry silently before speaking. "Harry, can you explain what is going on?"
Harry was looking worriedly at Ron on the floor, suddenly, he turned to the Gryffindor table, grabbed the glass of pumpkin juice that Hermione was drinking and threw it at Ron. Consequently, the net also hit Hermione. The girl turned to Harry in shock, her thick hair soaked with juice.
"Harry!" She screamed.
"Hey! Don't look at me like that, I was trying to wake you up!" Harry defended himself.
Blinking in confusion, Ron lifted himself up off the floor with his elbows, one of his hands went straight to the back of the neck, only to return covered in blood. "I-"
"Harry, my boy, could you explain yourself?" Dumbledore asked again. The headmaster gave Ron a small look, but seemed to conclude that the boy would survive.
Harry gave his best friend a concerned look, but turned to the headmaster. "Well, I did what you said."
"Look, Harry, I certainly didn't tell you to sleep with Voldemort." Dumbledore spoke as kindly. He was almost certain that somehow Voldemort had bewitched the boy.
"But, sir, you told me!" Harry argued.
"You said that only love could beat the Dark Lord," Harry said, "so I made love to him!"
"The first time was at the Ministry, I had imagined it would be more difficult to convince Voldemort to have sex with me, but I just needed to ask!" Harry said satisfied, he seemed really proud of his achievement. "After we were done, he asked for my number, I was a little confused at first, like, I thought that just once would do it. But in the end I gave the number of the Dursleys."
"He came to visit me several times, and each time we made love." Harry smiled. "I must also say, headmaster, defeating Voldemort is much more pleasurable than I imagined ..." The green eyes became dreamy while the hero of the Wizarding World remembered fond memories.
"I don't know how many times I will have to make love to Voldemort, but I promise you, Headmaster, I am close." Harry said, he put his weight on one leg casually. "You see, yesterday we tested something a little different ..."
Harry stopped and chuckled. He turned to his juice-soaked friend. "Hermione, guess how many orgasms the human body can take before passing out!"
At that moment, Albus Dumbledore fell backwards, passing out. There was shouting from various parts of the Great Hall, Minerva McGonagall, in all the confusion, did not think twice before throwing a glass of pumpkin juice at the headmaster.
Later, still covered with the liquid in his white hair and beard, Dumbledore would only remember Harry Potter's cheerful voice in the background.
"I swear to you, Hermione, I had an orgasm and passed out!"