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Honeymoon at the Clown Motel

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Hidan checked the calender, sighed dramatically, then cleared his throat as he pulled out a chair from the table and sat across from Kakuzu. Their anniversary was coming up and it was always cause for an argument. Though lately, everything seemed to be cause for an argument between them. 

“What do you want, Hidan?” Kakuzu asked, drinking his coffee as he checked his business emails, not even bothering to look up at his husband. He knew from the overly dramatic sigh that whatever it was, it wasn’t going to end well.

“For starters, I want a honeymoon but it’s a bit late for that…”

“Oh… not this again…” Kakuzu groaned and set his mug down a little harder than necessary. “How many times am I going to have to hear about how we never had a honeymoon?”

“Well it still bothers me!”

“It’s been seven years. Let it go already.”

Hidan was not going to let it go, “Our anniversary is coming up, I bet you haven’t got anything planned, have you?! Just like always! It’ll be some shitty take out, again, because you refuse to be seen with me in an actual, nice restaurant--”

Kakuzu had to cut him off there, “It’s your own damn fault! When you’re told to ‘choose a lobster’ it does not mean to reach into the lobster tank and pull one out! We were banned!” 

“Well…” Hidan pouted, “it wasn’t my fault we got banned…!” 

“Oh really? You screamed when the thing pinched you, then flung it across the room where it landed on someone's table! If it wasn’t your fault, whose was it?” Kakuzu was practically daring him to lay the blame on him.

But Hidan had a little more sense than to do that, “The lobster's fault maybe? It hurt! You know, they should’ve just said to point to one…” 

“I should’ve known better than to take you, someone with zero class, to a place like that. And don’t act like you don’t like take out. I can’t stand hypocrites.”

“Hey! I have class! And yeah, fine, I do like take out. Most of the time. But goddamn it!” Hidan slammed his fist on the table, rattling their mugs, “I want a fucking honeymoon with my fucking husband! Is that so much to ask?”

Closing his eyes and breathing out noisily through his nose, Kakuzu counted to ten. He was sick to death of hearing about how he had never taken Hidan on a honeymoon. It wasn’t like he’d had a lot of money back when they got married. He had just started his business, had employees and partners to pay, there had been more expenses than he ever imagined. They had literally just been getting by, mainly off Hidan’s meager paycheck. 

At the time, Hidan had said he understood, and that it was alright, but clearly it wasn’t if he was still going on about it nearly seven years later. 

As he opened his eyes, he glared across the table at his husband,  “You want a honeymoon so bad?”

“Yeah, I fucking do!”

“Then book a hotel for us somewhere, anywhere within a day's drive. We’ll have a honeymoon for our seventh anniversary. Happy now?”

Eyes wide, Hidan had clearly not expected that, “This… this isn’t a joke? You really mean it? Kakuzu, tell me right now you mean it!”

“Yes, I mean it. But on the condition that you never bring it up again that we didn’t go on a honeymoon as soon as we got married. You will never throw it in my face again, understood?”

“Yeah, fine, whatever.” Hidan walked over and bent down to kiss Kakuzu on the cheek before wrapping his arms around his neck, “We’re gonna have such an awesome honeymoon, even if it is what, seven years late?”

Kakuzu leaned back against Hidan and brought a hand up to catch his face, holding him there for a kiss. 

“Alright, Hidan, go plan it. I would help but I’m going to have to go into the office today.”

Hidan’s smile fell, along with his arms from around Kakuzu. Kakuzu was always working, even on his days off, but at least he still got him at nights. Most of the time… unless he was working on something from home which seemed to happen more often than not lately. At least this time they had avoided an all out fight.


Lounging on the couch, legs thrown over the arm, and head on the cushions where his butt should be, Hidan scrolled through page after page of hotels. Kakuzu had told him not to go overboard and book anything too expensive. So he stopped looking at international destinations almost as soon as he started his search. 

‘Top Ten Honeymoon Destinations’ was also out, as most involved air travel or fancy hotels, private yachts, private islands, or needing a year in advance to even consider being able to book a stay. 

A shame, Hidan thought, he would have loved nothing more than to watch the northern lights with Kakuzu… drinking a little wine, then making out, then making love as the lights danced across the sky above them. And Kakuzu thought he didn’t know the first thing about romance. Hidan sighed and closed that tab. He was very romantic… Kakuzu just didn’t give him a chance to show it.

Cruises were completely out, even though there were some decently priced ones and could be romantic. Standing on the deck, holding hands and watching the stars could be romantic. But Hidan didn’t like the thought of being stuck on a boat at all and made a face. The last time Kisame had taken them fishing hadn’t gone well for him... 

Not wanting to think about it, he started looking at hotels within driving distance as Kakuzu requested, and doing that narrowed his options down quite a lot. He looked at some hotels on the beach but they turned out to be astronomically expensive. Besides, he wasn’t much of a beach goer, too sunny. Sand got in everywhere . And too many other people around for Kakuzu to be able to enjoy himself.

The mountains would be nice but still chilly, though that made it conducive to cuddling and Hidan found it to be highly tempting. So he opened a new tab full of rental cabins. That seemed to be the most promising. They both enjoyed being up in the mountains, away from everything and everyone. Several cabins even had their own hot tubs. He loved hot tubs. And they were near a natural hot spring, they could spend the day there. He loved those even more. Decently priced, too. It seemed to be the best bet.  

Just to be sure, Hidan then skimmed the hotels in Las Vegas and decided that was simply too cliché. He didn’t think Kakuzu would want to go there with him anyways. Though he had always wanted to see a pimp… and lose some money at the roulette table and play the slots. He closed the tabs. Las Vegas didn’t suit Kakuzu, too much money collectively being lost there. And if Hidan lost money, too… it would be a complete mood killer. 

Finally, out of morbid curiosity, he started searching for ‘weird hotels’. 

That was when he saw it.

“Oh yes,” Hidan breathed, a terrible plan forming in his head. He swung his legs from over the arm of the couch and sat up, “This is too perfect!” He snickered to himself, “This’ll teach Kakuzu to not take me on a honeymoon for seven years.”

Hidan tried to stifle a laugh but realized he was home alone so he didn’t bother and laughed as loud as he wanted all while he booked a three night stay at the Clown Motel, not thinking twice, paying extra to reserve the special suite. It was a special occasion after all.

That night, when Kakuzu got home, Hidan greeted him with a smile and a kiss at the door, “I booked it.”

“Booked what?”

“Fuck man… the hotel for our honeymoon! You’re not so old you forgot already, are you?”

“Ah. No, I didn’t forget. It’s just been a long day.” He leaned over and kissed Hidan back, “I’m glad to be home though. So, where are we going?”

Hidan giggled, “It’s a surprise!”

Kakuzu resisted the urge to roll his eyes, saying, “Alright, fine. You waited seven years for this, I suppose if you want to make me wait to see where we’re going, you can. Did you make dinner or should we order something?”

“No need to order anything, I made some soup. It’s still hot,” he cocked a single brow while smirking, “just like us.” 


The alarm blared in Hidan’s ears and he picked up his phone, hitting what he thought to be the snooze button and rolled over to go back to sleep for five more minutes. He hadn’t slept well, having been too excited, and felt a growing headache coming on. A few more minutes might help. 

The next time he woke, it was to Kakuzu turning the lights on and giving him a good shake, “Wake up! It’s almost nine. What happened to your alarm?”

“What? Huh?” Hidan cracked open his eyes to see Kakuzu turn around and walk out of the bedroom.

“I’m leaving in fifteen minutes, with or without you, to this mystery hotel you booked us.”

Groaning, Hidan rolled out of bed and pulled on his jeans. Kakuzu was in a foul mood, and Hidan knew he really would leave without him if he wasn’t ready. Though he wouldn’t know where to go, he really didn’t want to piss Kakuzu off more than he already was and ruin their honeymoon.

Exactly fifteen minutes later they were backing out of the driveway and turning onto the street. Hidan’s headache from lack of sleep hadn’t gotten any better and was a little worse. He had been too excited about going on their honeymoon, and had stayed up late when he couldn’t fall asleep. They also missed breakfast and he was hoping they would stop somewhere for gas soon so he could get something to eat and maybe get something for his head.

Unfortunately for him, Kakuzu had planned well and gotten gas the night before and when Hidan asked if they would stop soon, he got a glare and resigned himself to stare out the window as they left the city.

“There’s a whole lot of nothing out there…” Hidan said, stomach growling and head pounding.

“And yet you managed to find a hotel that you wanted to go to for our honeymoon somewhere out there, in the whole lot of nothing. Real romantic.”

Hidan couldn’t help the words that slipped from his mouth, “It’s not really our honeymoon and you know it. A honeymoon is something you go on after your get married and-”

“This is after we got married, so technically it’s still a honeymoon. Besides, I told you I didn’t want to hear you complain about me not taking you as soon as we got married to which you agreed. And you also agreed we didn't need a honeymoon. You know I didn’t have a lot of extra money back then and you told me it was alright. Maybe I’m married to a liar.”

“Fuck you. You fucking went to work the next day, asshole! I was hurt and still am but I’m no liar. I’m the most honest man you’ll meet. Lying is a sin! Eat shit!” Hidan was fuming. He hadn’t lied, he was alright with it but had been under the assumption that they would go on a honeymoon much sooner than seven years. 

He starred out the window as several miles flew by, “I’m really hungry and I’m starting to feel a little carsick, so maybe stop somewhere so I can get something to eat?!”

Kakuzu nodded, “Yeah, sure, let me just pull up to one of the many places to eat out here in the literal middle of fucking nowhere! How about you eat shit?!”

“Maybe pull over so I can fucking walk home!”

Kakuzu set his jaw, tempted to do exactly what Hidan wanted but instead sped up. He just knew if he pulled over, Hidan actually would get out and try to hitch a ride home, and he was angry enough to let him. 

“This is going to be a real nice honeymoon, isn’t it? I can’t wait for it to start.”

“Yeah,” Hidan agreed, blinking back angry tears as he starred out the window, “the best.”

Hidan’s hunger had passed and then he was left just feeling sick, with a headache that had turned into a migraine and he tried to sleep but couldn't do more than doze. When they finally stopped somewhere hours and hours later for gas, he went into the mini mart and bought a bottle of pain reliever, then went next door to a nice looking bakery and got an almond pastry, not liking the look of the salads and none of the sandwiches appealed to him, and then got a coffee for himself and then went back for another coffee for Kakuzu even though neither had spoken to the other since their fight earlier. 

He hoped the offer of coffee might ease the tension between them. 

All he had wanted was for Kakuzu to take him somewhere for a few days… he didn’t see what the big deal was about sleeping a little late. What did it matter when they got there? But no… Kakuzu always had to ‘get his money’s worth’ and get to places as early as possible. 

Hidan sometimes hated that side of Kakuzu, always obsessed and greedy when it came to money, taking extra hours at work when they were well off and really didn’t need the extra money. He was thankful they had the money now, and were able to live without worrying about anything, but it was never enough for Kakuzu. It never would be. There was always more money to be made, a new client to seal a deal with, a new investment, stocks to trade. Hidan wished Kakuzu would pay him half as much attention as he did his bank accounts. 

As he sipped his coffee on his walk back to the car, he hoped he could smooth things over and handed over the other coffee to his husband who took it after a slight hesitation.

“Thanks. I didn’t really need anything though, you didn’t need to spend the money on it.”

“Oh for fucks sake, man! It was less than two bucks! Take the damn thing and drink it! You can make up the money while you work on your fucking projects from the hotel as I’m sure you’re planning to!” Hidan took another drink of his own coffee and got in the car, slamming the door. Once he had his seatbelt on, he tore a bite off the pastry as Kakuzu watched in annoyance.

“Wha’?” Hidan asked, chewing his mouthful of pastry.

“You’re getting crumbs everywhere! Stop talking with your mouth full, it’s disgusting! And just so you know, because you couldn’t set an alarm this morning, I missed an important call and the client I had been working on for the last three weeks to sign the deal with went with someone else. So thanks a-fucking-lot, Hidan. Just like always, right? You end up fucking something up without even trying.”

Brushing his hand over his shirt and pants, Hidan knocked all the little crumbs to the floor as he looked over at Kakuzu, hurt by his words. 

“Yeah, I’m just a fuck up… always have been, guess I always will be...” He turned away to glare out the window, hating the way his eyes teared up. Kakuzu couldn’t blame it all on him. He had his own phone and should have set his own alarm. But he just wasn’t in the mood to point that out or sit there and argue, his head was killing him. So he got out the bottle of pain reliever from his pocket and shook several pills into his hand as Kakuzu watched from the corner of his eye. 

“Are you alright?” Kakuzu asked.

“I’m fine.”

“A dose is two, not four.”

“Well thank you, Doctor Kakuzu," Hidan drawled, "but I’ve got a massive migraine and need more than that. These are just regular ones.”

“I didn’t know you had a migraine. Did you bring your migraine medicine?” 

“There's a lot you don't know about me... If I brought it, do you think I'd be taking this?” Hidan grumbled, he didn’t spare him a glance as he swallowed the pills with his coffee. As they put several miles between themselves and the little town, turning off the main highway onto a smaller, two lane road with no other cars on it. 

Hidan finished his pastry and the rest of his coffee, feeling better than he had before they stopped. Maybe he had just needed some food and a little caffeine. His head was still pounding but he hoped the pills he took would do something. Once they got to the hotel, he could take a nap and sleep the rest of it off.

But soon Hidan was feeling even worse as the road they turned onto began to wind it’s way over and through some mountains. Passing a road sign indicating a winding road for the next twenty miles, he groaned and closed his eyes.

“What is it now?” Kakuzu grumbled.

“Nothing.” Hidan said, hoping to maybe fall asleep and sleep through it. He turned slightly in the seat and pressed his head to the cold glass of the window and tried to fall asleep. 

Several miles later, unable to fall asleep, he sat up. He felt sick, the pounding in his head was worse, the brightness of the sun that had moved out from behind the clouds hurt his eyes.

“Kakuzu.”

“What is it now? Want to argue about how I’m not home often enough?!”

“Pull over.”

“Here? Why? So you can walk home?” Kakuzu took a curve without slowing down.

Hidan groaned, he was so dizzy. He closed his eyes and swallowed back saliva that filled his mouth, “I’m gonna be sick.”

Kakuzu glanced over at Hidan and recognized the look on his face as the same one he had on Kisame’s boat. Not wanting a repeat of that, he pulled over and Hidan immediately got out. They were the only ones on the road in both directions, and Kakuzu hopped out of the car as Hidan bent over, bracing his hands on his knees, and was sick in the dirt and gravel on the side of the road.

“What’s wrong?” Kakuzu asked, feeling guilty. He knew he had been driving too fast, “Was it my driving? Why didn’t you say anything? And I told you not to take so many of those pills!”

Hidan wasn’t finished and didn’t answer as he was sick again and Kakuzu reached out to rub his back for him through it, making a face.

“Alright, Hidan, that’s enough.”

“I don’t think you get to decide when it’s enough…” Hidan groaned. He hated being sick, hated being sick in front of Kakuzu even more, but there was nothing that could be done about it. At least Kakuzu kept rubbing his back, and said nothing else. 

When Hidan was sure he was done, he just asked for water. Kakuzu looked around and found him a half empty bottle from the backseat to rinse his mouth with. 

“It’s just the migraine, alright? I didn’t sleep well, I was too excited. Ha! What a fucking joke, right? ‘Cause this trip so far has been nothing to be excited about,” Hidan said, his voice hoarse and his throat hurting, “Then you wouldn’t let me eat before we left, and I was so fucking hungry. I’ve been feeling sick almost the entire drive! I’m surprised I lasted this long.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You’ve been a total asshole to me! That’s why! And I finally just couldn’t handle the stupid fucking overly sweet pastry shit and all that coffee with this damn road and the migraine and yeah, maybe I should’ve only taken two pills, but you were also going too fast around the stupid fucking curves! I wish I’d’ve done it on you. But even I have some dignity. I thought about it though...” 

Managing to look ashamed, Kakuzu nodded, “You’re right, I have been nothing but an asshole to you today. I’m sorry. Why don’t you drive? It might help your motion sickness.”

“I’m too shaky and shitty feeling to drive…”

“It’s alright, I’ll drive slower. I’m sorry. Come here.” Kakuzu reached to put his arm around Hidan’s shoulders to pull him close and frowned when Hidan resisted at first. Then he gave in, leaning against him for support with his arms crossed over his middle. 

“I just wanna go home…” Hidan whined, “and crawl back in bed and go to sleep.”

“We’ll be at the hotel in less than an hour. You can rest there, I’m sure it’ll be nice. At least I hope it is. I don’t even know how much it cost...” And just how nice was a place out in the middle of nowhere going to be? Kakuzu had his doubts about the hotel but kept them to himself, not wanting to argue again.

Hidan groaned. The Clown Motel was not exactly the place he wanted to curl up under the blankets in, but whatever, he thought, what could he do. It wasn’t like they could turn around and drive all the way back home. That would just be worse.

“We can just sit here as long as you need until you’re ready to keep going.” Kakuzu kissed the top of his sweaty head, and they sat on the trunk together. Hidan finally leaned his head on Kakuzu’s shoulder and closed his eyes against the sunlight. At least it wasn’t too hot even though it was the middle of the day. Getting married in late winter had it’s benefits other than it costing less.  

“Our honeymoon is really turning out to be real fucking great, isn’t it?” Hidan sighed.

“Let’s just agree to try and enjoy the rest of it, from here on, alright?” Kakuzu let his hand run up and down Hidan’s back.

“Alright, but you have to promise me something first.”

“What is it?”

“That you won’t do any work on our honeymoon. I miss you. You’re always fucking working. On weekends, at night, before the sun comes up! Sorry you lost that client but in all fairness you can’t pin all the blame on me.” He slid his arm around Kakuzu’s waist.

Kakuzu didn’t answer for several moments, and then finally agreed, “Alright, Hidan. I won’t do any work.” 

“Not even answering emails.” 

“Hidan…”

“Promise me! You made me sick! It’s the least you can do!”

“Fine. I won’t answer any emails but I’m going to have to get someone else to do them, alright? And I shouldn’t have blamed you for losing the client. It’s not your fault and I’m sorry. And,” Kakuzu paused, “I’m sorry for what I said about you fucking everything up. You don’t. I was wrong.” 

Hidan didn’t respond to that, but tightened his arm around Kakuzu and pressed his face against his chest, away from the sun.

They sat there for several minutes in silence until Kakuzu spoke up, “I’m curious about this hotel, I hope we’ll like it.”

Hidan made a face that Kakuzu couldn’t see, regretting booking the Clown Motel. Kakuzu was not going to think it was very funny when he saw it. Which was ironic because clowns were supposed to be hilarious. Sighing again, he pressed closer to Kakuzu. He had a bad feeling about their honeymoon.

They had been fighting too much, too often. About everything. He was tired of it, knew Kakuzu was, too. And now he had booked their honeymoon at the Clown Motel. What the fuck had he been thinking?! He wanted to die then and there. It may very well be the last straw for their marriage.

Kakuzu was going to hate him for it, he was absolutely sure of it. He hated himself for it already.