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When I Look At You

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You love me for who I am,
Like the stars hold the moon,
Right there where they belong,
And I know I'm not alone.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I have to tell you something."

Dean kept his eyes on the road, knowing that he couldn't look at Sam and say what he wanted to say at the same time.

"Yeah?" Sam says again, giving his brother a slightly concerned look. "Is it something bad? Did you not tell me something about the plan or—"

"No, it's not that," Dean replies. "And it's not bad. I just— I don't really know how to say this."

"Dude, just tell me. It's fine."

Dean knew Sam wouldn't care. Dean knew that Sam would be nothing but supportive. Dean also knew that the last time someone found out he was into guys, his father, he woke up the next morning with bruises.

"Dean?" Sam says again.

"Sorry. Um— it's just that, you know how you feel about Eileen?"

Sam nods, still confused at where Dean was going with his words.

"I feel the same way about—"

"About her?" Sam says quickly, his eyes widening.

"No, Sam, what the fuck? No!" Dean responds, shaking his head. "I was going to say that the way you feel about Eileen and you felt about Jessica and other girls you've had a relationship is the same way I feel about guys."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So—like—just guys, or—"

"No... but guys included."

"Right," says Sam. "Well you know that I don't care, right? You didn't have to be afraid of telling me, or whatever."

"I know that," Dean answers. "It's just... I don't know, man, I was still scared to tell you. I'd be scared to tell anyone. Uh, and there's one more thing about this... Cas and I are, I guess, dating, or whatever you want to call it."

"How long?" asks Sam.

"Five months."

"Wow. Um, good for you guys. I guess that explains why I've seen Cas walking from your room in the morning whenever I'd come back from a run," Sam says, muttering the last part. Dean still hears him and frowns.

"What?"

"Yeah. I didn't mention it or anything because I didn't want to assume anything or make you guys uncomfortable."

"Thanks," Dean murmurs.

Silence fills the impala before Sam speaks up again. "That it?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Can I ask you one more thing?" Sam says a few moments later. Dean nods. "Okay, this might be a dumb question but when we were younger—like high school—I know you had a lot of girlfriends, but I don't remember hearing about any guys. Did you just keep them a secret?"

"I brought a guy home once. Lee, actually. You weren't home that day. Dad was, though. I didn't know how he felt about the whole guy-on-guy action, so I told him the truth. And fuck, Sam, it was the worst night of my life."

"I didn't know that, man. I didn't mean to make you talk about this if—"

"He tried to fucking kill me, Sam."

Sam was silent, waiting to see if Dean would continue talking. He continued. "That's a bit of an exaggeration, I guess. But he beat the shit out of me, and then he told me, 'If I ever see you come home with a boy again, I'll make sure you get sent straight to hell.' So after that, I made sure to never have a guy over with Dad around."

"You never told me this," Sam murmurs, looking over at his brother who seemed like he was on the verge of tears. "I don't really know what to say, Dean. That's beyond terrible. I'm sorry."

"Well, it's not your fault. That's just why it was so hard for me to tell you, I guess. I still have this small fear in the back of my brain that he's still here, telling me how I'm a—"

"He's dead. He's not going to say something like that to you."

"I know."


When Sam and Dean returned to the bunker, Dean settled into his bedroom for the night. He removed his clothing that was stained red from vampire blood, and replaced them with the hotdogs sweapants Castiel bought him, along with an old Led Zeppelin shirt. A knock on the door interrupted Dean's thoughts.

"Come in," he says. When the door opens, Castiel stands there.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, man. What'd you and Jack get up to while Sam and I were gone?"

"Nothing crazy. We played a few board games. I tried to get him interested in Game of Thrones like you did for me, but he just seemed confused," Castiel explains. "How was the hunt?"

"Good," Dean replies. "I told Sam about us."

"You— really?"

"Yeah. He was supportive, or whatever. I know I should've asked you before I told him, but I just—"

"It's alright. I'm happy you told him," says the angel, walking into Dean's room to sit on his bed beside him. "I knew Sam would be alright with it, but I know that it must have been at least a little scary for you."

"You could say that," Dean answers, staring at the palms of his hands. "I also told him about what my dad did to me when— well, you know."

"You did?"

"Yup."

"I'm very proud of you. I know you don't like hearing that, but I am," Castiel admits. He looks at Dean, turning his face so that they are both looking at each other. "Truly, Dean. What you've been through... what you've suffered... I'm just glad you're here today."

"Thanks," Dean says softly. "I love you, buddy. Thanks for saying that."

"Of course. It's true."

Dean is about to say something else, when the door opens.

"Hey," Sam says. "Didn't mean to interrupt or anything. Jack wants to watch a movie with you Cas."

"Of course," Castiel says, standing up from Dean's bed. "Dean? Do you want to join us?"

"Sure," Dean replies. As he's about to follow Castiel out, Sam stops him, letting the angel walk away. "What?" Dean asks.

"You okay?" Sam questions, and Dean stares at his brother.

"I'm fine."

"I just meant that you're good after what you told me, right?"

"I'm fine, Sam," says Dean. "I want to go watch this movie with Cas, so are you done asking me about my feelings?"

"Okay, I'm done."

Dean walks past his brother and to the living room. Jack was perched on one of the chairs while Castiel sat on one side of the couch.

"What are we watching?" Dean asks, taking a seat next to the angel on the couch. 

"Halloween," Jack replies, smiling. "Do you like this movie, Dean?"

"I used to watch it all the time," Dean replies. "Isn't this a little much for you, Jack?"

"He's a nephilim, Dean. I think he can handle a horror movie," Castiel says, looking at his boyfriend. Dean rolls his eyes.

"Shut up with your logic." Dean's words said one thing, but his expression while looking at the angel said another. He took Castiel's hand, using his other to hit the "play" button on the remote. Jack glanced over at the two, not saying a word as Dean leaned against the shoulder of the angel. Jack just knew.

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I
I look at you.