This was his fault.
No doubt about that.
But what was he supposed to do? Just get over it?!
It wasn't Kiryu's fault. He couldn't have known better, not when Majima didn't tell him anything.
Stupid irony, Majima was a talking machine, but clams up when it matters most. Nice one, Majima.
He'd have to work on that.
In the meantime he had the opportunity to think things over clearly, and really reevaluate the situation. Yeah, that way he could figure out where it went wrong. That was a good idea, probably his best idea of the day.
What happened, what happened.
Kiryu and Majima had just finished what felt like their 50th fight of the day. At least from Kiryu's point of view, in reality Majima had only bumped into Kiryu three times today, but that was besides the point. The afterglow of their fight left adrenaline coursing through their veins, and Majima noticed a familiar glint in Kiryu's eyes that screamed, "You. Me. In bed. Now." Who was he to deny a desperate Kiryu?
They got back to Majima's apartment, luckily the initial ravenous aura radiating off of Kiryu had simmered down enough for them to make it to Majima's bedroom without Kiryu pinning Majima to the wall and ravaging his mouth. Not that he saw anything wrong with that, it was just nice knowing that Kiryu did in fact have self control.
Majima flopped down on his bed rather ungracefully, and Kiryu crawled on top of him with the grace of a house cat hunting a particularly enticing red dot.
That comparison made Majima chuckle to himself.
Then gentle caressing, blah blah blah, kissing and grinding, yawn boring.
Majima paused for a moment, trying to remember what Kiryu had done after that.
Kiryu reached for Majima's hair, mistake number one. His grip was tight, and it took a moment for Kiryu to notice how Majima had tensed up. It was too late though, Majima was already pushing Kiryu off of him and sitting up, curling in on himself, tucking his knees close to his chest. Kiryu had reached out to touch Majima's forearm, which was clinging to his knees for dear life, and in hindsight the gesture was meant to comfort, mistake number two. Majima lashed out, slapping Kiryu's hand away.
Kiryu tried talking to him, "Nii-san-"
To say that was unexpected would be an understatement.
Kiryu looked desperate, "But, Maji-"
"I said get out!"
Kiryu could see that Majima was shaking, from rage, fear, or both, Kiryu couldn't be sure. He obeyed anyways, and left without another word.
Once the door was closed Majima was left alone, half naked, shaking, and filled with nothing but guilt.
He sat in silence for a while, had gotten up to smoke at his window, then laid back down, debating on whether or not he should apologize right now or later.
He thought about it from a few angles.
How this was usually a breaking point in past relationships.
Whether they were a small fling or lasted even a few months, people usually left because of his unresponsiveness, or lashing out.
Sometimes he would come off as clingy, or too much to handle.
That was what he assumed they thought of him.
More often than not, things would get too serious for him, and he would back out just as things were starting to feel comfortable.
Why he was like this, he'd never know. He always pushed people away. May that be because of commitment issues, or trauma. One way or another, he would cut ties, and somehow still end up missing them.
It was an odd feeling.
Reflecting on things.
Words left unspoken.
Promises left unfulfilled.
Regret gnawing at him, guilt dragging him down.
He felt like he had wasted their lives. After all, they had spent so much of their time with him, only for him to end things on a rocky note.
Just a cold-blooded, "I don't think things are working out."
A cliche, if anything else.
"It's not you, it's me."
And how true those words were, and still are.
This was his fault.
That much he knew.
But now, kicking Kiryu out. It almost felt like a breakup.
Maybe Kiryu didn't take it that way, hopefully he just assumed Majima needed space, and he would be just as happy to bring him some takoyaki, and they could eat together in silence.
Majima did love the little things.
That little flicker of hope, that single match barely lighting an abyss of doubt and what ifs. That beacon of light is what kept him going, but consequently, it was also what kept him dwelling.
The words rang a fierce pitch, much like a dog whistle.
Consistent, painful, and unavoidable.
Ah, it's getting worse.
Majima hadn't apologized to Kiryu right away like he had intended, but what was expected really? Majima wasn't good with this sort of thing, emotions just weren't something he talked about. He was the Mad Dog, he didn't have time to feel sentimental, or guilt.
But this was getting ridiculous. What was once Majima chasing down Kiryu around every corner, now became Majima dodging Kiryu. It was a good thing Kiryu was as dense as a ton of bricks, otherwise he would've actually spotted the single yellow snakeskin jacket amongst the sea of people that dressed normally.
Regardless, he was purposefully avoiding Kiryu, now wasn't the time to dwell on how blissfully unaware of danger Kiryu was.
Now just wasn't the time.
Now was the time.
Majima had felt it from the moment Kiryu closed the door, but it was gnawing at him. A weight on his shoulders sitting unbearable, making him irritable, and prone to lashing out.
Majima missed him.
He had to just suck it up, and get it over with.
But of course, this newfound courage didn't mean Majima was any more an eloquent man than he was the moment he kicked Kiryu out of his apartment.
That one stung a little.
No, instead of calling like any normal person, he sent Kiryu a message of mixed signals.
If he remembered correctly without looking at his phone, he believed his exact words were, "Come over. Now." Then he sent a wink emoticon to try to cushion the initial punch the first one had. Which no doubt confused poor Kiryu, but it was done, no going back now.
Majima always was one for diving in head first.
It had been hours, Majima started to think Kiryu wasn't coming. He checked the message again, it definitely sent. He checked the time, still 12:42 am, just like the last time he checked. Why did time move so slowly when you were waiting for someone?
Majima paced around his living room, and just as he was about to call it quits and just head to bed to avoid thinking about it, there was a knock at the door.
Soft knocks to be exact. Majima would never figure out how someone so big and scary like Kiryu could knock so quietly.
Majima took a deep breath, pushing the nerves to the pit of his stomach, making him all the more aware of their presence, before opening the door. There stood Kiryu, holding a plastic bag sporting the M Store logo, and a plastic container radiating the aroma of fresh takoyaki, piping hot.
Kiryu spoke, voice heavy and low, "Sorry I'm late, nii-san. All the takoyaki places were busy." Majima didn't say anything as he stepped aside, watching Kiryu slip off his shoes as he came inside, muttering a quiet, "Thanks for having me."
Still so formal.
Majima watched, as Kiryu set everything on the kitchen counter, he offered Majima a drink which he gladly accepted, as Kiryu prepared two plates of takoyaki, still emitting steam. They ate together in silence, Kiryu never pressed on why he was invited, nor did he ask about the incident the other day.
So caring, giving, and kind.
Majima didn't even notice the tear that had snuck its way down his cheek until Kiryu had wiped it away. He looked at Kiryu, who was already watching Majima, a silent question worrying his features, and that's when the waterworks really let loose. He wasn't loud, he let tears roll down, as shaky breaths entered and left his body.
The nerves that ate at his stomach lining.
The aches that made his chest feel heavy.
The words left unspoken that were choked back and suffocated.
Gone with the shaky breaths that wrecked his body, making him feel peaceful and tired.
He leaned into Kiryu's touch that lingered on his tear stained cheek, so Kiryu pulled him in. Majima welcomed the embrace for once.
From someone with scalding eyes like Kiryu, he half expected to get burned by the touch.
But he didn't.
That's when it hit him.
Kiryu was the blazing sun. With the physical prowess of an erupting volcano, and words of molten lava. Able to cause roaring forest fires, and devastation wherever it need be.
But with Majima.
He was a cozy fireplace. The latern that guided weary travelers through the darkness, to a little campfire in the middle of a forgotten wasteland.
He was a beacon of light, a safe haven.
That's when the loud crying happened. Shaky sobs, and hyperventilating. Hiccups and tears staining Kiryu's silk shirt. Kiryu rubbed soothing circles into Majima's back, calming him. Guiding him back to deep, even breaths. Pummeling Majima's nerves and aches for him.
Majima sighed heavily after a moment of silence, which prompted Kiryu to let go. Majima didn't like that. He clung to Kiryu tighter, he got the hint.
Food half eaten now forgotten as Kiryu picked up Majima, who nuzzled his face into the crook of Kiryu's neck, taking them to Majima's bedroom. Kiryu set him down gently, like fragile goods.
Majima thought that was unfitting for him.
"Damaged goods more like it." Was what he thought to himself.
Kiryu must have read his mind, or read the furrowed brows now wrinkling Majima's forehead, because he flicked him on the nose, albeit playfully. All to distract Majima from his thoughts no doubt.
He appreciated it in the end.
Anything to distract him.
He was an overthinker after all.
Trains of thought often derailed, and when they didn't, they took him to places far worse than where he already was.
Kiryu crawled on top of Majima, hovering over him, essentially pinning him in place. He didn't do anything else though, just looked at Majima, waiting. For consent, or answers to questions left unasked, he wasn't sure. He still took the pause as his cue to say something at least.
Luckily this time he knew exactly what he wanted.
Majima made eye contact, and mustered up the courage to say what he was thinking.
Actions speak louder than words, but this time would have to be an acception.
Especially when you're with someone as dense as Kiryu.
"'M tired of over thinkin'. Make me think of ya instead." Still not eloquent, but it got the point across, because Kiryu nodded in silent affirmation.
Majima raised his hands to cup Kiryu's face, bringing him down. Lips pressing together, moving slow and carefully over each other. Kiryu slipped his hands under Majima's slim frame to lift him gently, coaxing him to sit up. Majima followed along blindly, and quickly found out that he was moved so Kiryu could slip off Majima's jacket. Which was followed by Kiryu's blazer and silk shirt.
They laid back down, the skin on skin contact making Majima feel like he was on fire. Kiryu radiated heat like a furnace.
How could someone just naturally be so warm?
Well, regardless, he just knew he wanted to feel more of him. Running his hands up Kiryu's back, he was suddenly stopped. Kiryu sat up, straddling Majima's waist while he held Majima's wrists. Majima was confused for all of a moment until Kiryu started peeling off his leather gloves, kissing the palm of each hand, then working his way up Majima's arm, peppering butterfly kisses on his delicate skin.
When Kiryu made it too his neck he paused, Majima tilted his head back, as a way of giving his permission without having to outright say it. He appreciated the thoughtfulness, but he really wanted to avoid a conversation like that for the time being. Kiryu stayed quiet and kept going now that he had Majima's consent. Placing soft kisses to his neck, making Majima mewl.
Kiryu kept his hands busy too, caressing Majima's sides, feeling his muscles, his flat stomach, coaxing little chuckles from him. Majima raked his nails down Kiryu's back as a warning to avoid the areas where he was ticklish, and much to his delight Kiryu listened.
Majima started reacting more once Kiryu started sucking and biting red and purple bruises into his skin, the apologetic licks and kisses in their place were what really did him in, and it was at this point that Majima started struggling to stay relatively quiet.
More area was explored as Majima moved around, allowing Kiryu to leave marks on his jawline, collarbone and even down to his chest. Majima even noticed Kiryu taking a moment to appreciate the beautiful tapestry of snakes and cherry blossoms speckling his chest, shoulders and biceps. He licked and kissed each lone petal he was able to reach, Majima savored the sentiment.
It was about time someone appreciated his irezumi.
Kiryu managed a bit of bravery, and crossed a threshold that Majima wasn't ready for. By flicking his tongue against one of Majima's nipples, the surprise from the gesture making Majima buck his hips into Kiryu's. A bolt of pleasure from the friction causing him to panic.
Majima pushed Kiryu off of him.
Kiryu made an attempt to leave, as he had been told to do before, but Majima grabbed his forearm, stopping him before they could repeat the events of the other night.
"I'm sorry, nii-san."
That stopped Majima dead in his tracks.
All of the emotions he had felt over the past few days built up and boiled over.
"No. Yer not supposed to be the sorry one here." Kiryu looked surprised after that, but said nothing. "'M the one that overreacted. I didn't mean to lash out at ya." Majima was trembling, he let go of Kiryu's arm and started closing in on himself.
Just like last time.
"An' I didn't mean to push ya away, or to hurt ya." Kiryu extended a hand towards Majima, he flinched ever so slightly, but accepted the offer after a moment's hesitation. Majima practically threw himself at Kiryu, who caught him with ease, both locking the other in a suffocating embrace.
Majima's voice wavered as he spoke, "I thought ya'd be mad. 'M sorry, Kazuma." Majima could feel Kiryu tense up at the use of his given name. Without missing a beat, Majima could feel the vibrations of Kiryu's baritone voice through his chest, "Goro," Kiryu placed a careful hand on Majima's head, then stroked his hair.
"It's not your fault."
"Don't be sorry for having emotions." Kiryu paused, and took a deep breath, struggling to find the words. "I don't know... What they did to you exactly..." Kiryu's touch faltered, "But I know that you're hurt, and sometimes you need space." Majima let out a shaky exhale, his breath and new tears staining Kiryu's neck. "It's alright. Whenever you need me, I'll be there. And whenever you need space, I'll respect that."
Kiryu pulled back to look Majima in the eye, "Just don't forget that I'm here. You don't have to fight this alone." Majima was speechless, but he gave a small nod. Kiryu pulled him back in to place a soft kiss on his lips, before pulling back and pressing their foreheads together. Majima sniffled, then let out a shaky laugh.
A new feeling.
His chest didn't feel so tight.
Heart didn't feel so heavy.
Stomach no longer crawling.
Kiryu pulled back at that sound, "What's that laugh for, nii-san?"
Majima shook his head a bit and smiled warmly, not a single bit of Mad Dog in sight, just Majima, "Nothin', 'M just relieved."
Domestic bliss was something Majima never thought he would achieve. The life of a Yakuza meant putting others a risk, you couldn't be close to other people, unless you wanted them to become leverage.
What was he supposed to do then?
Well, he could find someone that could kick his own ass.
Someone that could lift men twice his size and slam them into the ground as if they weighed nothing.
Someone with a mean face and a heart of gold.
He could look to the beacon of light in the abyss he could never quite claw himself out of.
He could grab the extended hand of the burning sun, rest easy at the campfire lighting up the barren wasteland of what used to be.
He could look into those eyes that bore into his soul and pulled out exactly what he was feeling, and build a home there.
He could live in the roaring flames of hell if it meant a home on the sun with Kiryu.