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Holding on

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I hate feeling confused. Not knowing what is going on inside my head. Feeling like crying yet not knowing why. These feelings are so hard to explain. It just hits you suddenly out of nowhere. You could be happy one moment and then baam! The next moment you feel like you are drowning in a pool of thoughts that are just so depressing.

Is this what depression is? If it is then now I know why people say that depression is a serious issue. I feel like killing myself a moment and then here I am crying to even have thought of such a thing. I love living. I have always wanted to see and explore many things. I have always been happy with what I have had. Always felt lucky to have a shelter, loving parents and good food to eat.

But why? Why does this happen so suddenly. I have felt like this for years now though. When I try to look back to the time when this started I am always overcome with a strong desire to just stop thinking. It just physically hurts to even think about the reason. The mess inside my head doesn’t even allow me to get out of it. Even when I try , it feels like someone is pulling me in the water that I was already drowning in which is ridiculous.

I have always been thought of as a rude and detached person because of the face that I carry normally. What they don’t know is that , this is how I protect myself. Letting people in is a struggle but trusting them is a greater struggle. There is always this voice in my head that keeps on whispering that they hate me. That I am not enough. That I am annoying. That I am everything bad.

I hate it. But I have learned to not show it outside. Why? Well people don’t really care of what you are going through. They just want others to listen to them. Atleast that’s what my mind says. And I do that. I listen to people because if they can’t help me , heck if no one can help me , atleast I can prevent someone feeling like this. Atleast I can be of help to someone who is struggling. I know I can’t give them any advise but most people don’t need that. They just want someone to listen and be there for them when they feel sad. I know this because that’s something I wished for.

Now I still sometimes wish people to listen to me too. But it’s hard. Really hard because all people do is crush my hopes and leave. Then the walls that I had built which had cracked a little becomes more stronger.

Expectations hurt and so I have been trying to live without expecting. It’s difficult though and sometimes I forget and expect but when people don’t stand up to that expectation , I don’t blame them or curse them. I just think that it was my fault in the beginning to expect afterall.

Everything will be fine unless I expect and hope.
The mess inside my head would remain the same but atleast I won’t hurt more than now.

People come and go. Sometimes they leave at their own will , sometimes I push them away. Not willingly but because sometimes these feelings are way too hard to handle and I get lost in them. I loose the sense of time. I might continue to do my work as usual , attend classes and go when work calls but I most of the times avoid people. It’s not like I am not close to anyone. I have a set of good friends who help me through a lot of stuff in life. I could trust them with my life.

But never with my heart.

Because trusting them isn’t something that I have in me anymore. Seeing people cheat others, being hateful for no reasons at all and just plainly not having humanity has lead me here. Life hasn’t been full of bed of roses and it’s okay. Because no one ever has it that good and I am happy with what and who I have in my life. It’s just being depressed isn’t something that I wanted. This isn’t a situation that I ever thought myself to be in. Hurting all over and not being able to tell anyone is not simple.

This mess , I wish it goes away. I know I should be talking to some professional because come on, I have had this feelings for some years now. But the thing is , I feel like this is just me seeking attention. My mind screams at me that I am an attention seeker whenever I try to open up to someone. Even when I tell a part of my thoughts to any of my friends or even a stranger , there goes my mind overthinking each and every word for the years to come.

 

I want to be at peace with myself. Not struggle and worry about what the next day would be like. It’s not like I don’t enjoy at all . That’s the thing. I go out, have fun but when I come back and rest in my bed, my mind starts thinking of all the things that I did wrong and where I could have been better. Then that’s it. I go down the lane and stay there for a while. The thought of killing myself feels easy. Like a full stop to a sentence. Finally free from everything. But then this small part in me tells me that it would get better with time. Every though I have been like this for years now , it still tells me it would be fine. And I, being the yolo person I am , believe that voice. Also I don’t want my family and my friends and even my acquaintances to ever think of me and feel sad. Let them remember me as the person with the brightest smile.

Don’t they say that the saddest people have the brightest smile.

Well I saw it somewhere and I think it’s true. I try to smile as much as possible because one, it makes people happy. Some people find my smile really soothing and charming and they say that it makes them happy. Who am I to refuse the little tiny happiness that I could bring to people with just a smile.

Next, I don’t want people to know what goes on inside my head. That isn’t safe because either I would be considered abnormal or sad or just mad. I mean who the hell would question anything and everything, right? So I just smile and pretend that everything is well and good.

Lastly, it sometimes makes even me believe that everything is actually fine. Like I am not depressed. Like I don’t have anxiety. Like I don’t feel like killing myself from time to time. Like this world is a better place than it is. The fake reality that I try to project even confuses me and makes me believe it as I have been projecting it for so long now.
I was pretty sure that this is how I would live my life. Struggling with my head, never trusting enough and always in the fear of unknown. But oh boy, was I wrong.

Mew was his name. A random stranger I saw in the café where I always hung out with my friends and latter with myself. He was really handsome. Like an ethereal beauty. I was wondering why a person that looked and dressed so good was doing in a small rundown café when his eyes suddenly met mine. Which was awkward to say the least. I was spaced out and when I came back to reality he was staring at me. Maybe he thought that I was checking him out. Well he wasn’t wrong but I wasn’t creepily eyeing him . I just happened to blank out every now and then and it had happened when I had looked at him. My mind was elsewhere thinking about why, what and how this person was here. And alas! That might have made me look really creepy.

But when I saw the person throwing me a shy smile, I was left flabbergasted. I gave him a smile in return and quickly ducked my head behind the book that I had for pretense. I thought maybe it was a one time thing but we coincidently kept meeting.
Smiles were thrown and hearts were shot.
Atleast mine was. I developed a crush on the sweet looking guy. For some reasons he felt familiar. His exterior screamed rich and sophisticated but his smiles and gestures showed a soft person with a kind heart.

Days passed and we started talking. He was a really good conversationalist and it was exciting to talk with him. He would not only tell but also listen to what I had to say, which was not often. Since I had kept my thoughts to myself for such a long time , it was difficult to speak with someone who wasn’t really like the people I had encountered. Who would just speak and never listen.

Mew wanted to know my opinion. He wanted to know about me.

A small flicker of hope was starting to burn in my heart but I had extinguished it. Having a crush and hoping to have it reciprocated were two different things. And for someone like me, even if the other party liked me at the start , they would get bored of me pretty soon.

I expected the same here. Expectations when negative where always right. But Mew proved me wrong. He was patient. Way too patient with me as if he knew how hard it was to speak and not regret it. This got me thinking if he had also gone through something like this. I wanted to ask but it didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right when I had to ask something. So I didn’t.

But Mew, the guy with soft smiles and hugs, won over me. Won over my insecurities. He didn’t do it in a day or a month. He did it over time. Patiently and lovingly. We went on dates , we had fights but we never gave up. Yes , we . I had my doubt and insecurities always trying to claw their way out. But I tried to take the chance. The first step made me utterly nauseous but it was alright latter. Each and every step that we took together made me breath a little easier.

I opened up about my struggles after a year into dating. We were curled up on the couch in Mew’s house and he was just randomly telling me how much he loved me and why he loved me. That did it. Broke me from inside knowing that the guy has given his all to me and I couldn’t even tell him what goes on inside my head most of the times.

I broke down into heavy sobs. Gut wrenching sobs ripped through me. I was a blubbering mess but Mew who was shocked at first, came out from the stupor and held me tightly against his chest. I spilled a lot of my thoughts about what and why and how I feel like drowning. I am sure Mew knew about my struggle but I don’t know whether he knew as in how deep it was.

He tried to cover his emotions but I could clearly see the sadness and love swirling in his eyes which broke me down further. I felt like this man deserved better and not a broken record like me. And when I said the exact same thing to him, I felt the shift in his persona. He was mad. He sat me away from him and made me listen to how much he loved me again.

He told me that whatever I thought and had went through is what made me what I am. He told me how he saw people who didn’t even know me smile because I helped them with something. How a simple smile from me made some people’s day. It was nice, nice listening to him. A complete contrast to the thoughts I have. That day was like a new chapter of my life.

He made me get help. He made me realise how seeing a psychologist is not seeking attention but actually just getting help for yourself. I started getting therapy and well, I have been getting better. I never knew that my depression also had a heavy effect on my body. I never knew that that was why I was so skinny. The constant loss of appetite was not normal and this depression was the cause for it. It was refreshing to have the mess a little settled. I now know that I would get better with time for sure.

 

With therapy and Mew and a little hope , I think being completely happy is not far away.