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you cant just be listenin to chips in the night thats so stupid that sounds like some kinda 80s power ballad

LIKE A PARASITIC DISEASE WAS SLOWLY REPLACING MY MIND WITH ITS NAUSEATING, JAGGED, TECHNICOLOR PIXELS

i never know what to take for granted with you and pop culture knowledge isnt your internal soundtrack just vivaldi on repeat

as one would ironically pair a champagne flute of Baja Blast Mountain Dew with the most soggily reheated chicken nugget

A FUCKING BROKEN CLOCK STUCK ON STUPID THATS STILL GONNA SAY SOMETHIN AWESOME TWICE A DAY IF YOU LOOK UP AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME

its the step the fuck off bitch quadrant and its symbol is a big red middle finger

lets all meet at olive garden for the gay porno afterparty

whatever weird shit you imprinted on as cool when you were a baby like some kinda socially inept duckling

this means literally nothing like you could just as easily have spit in my eye or fuckin riverdanced

IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE INSIGHT FROM THE FUTURE YOU CAN JUST PISS IN YOUR OWN EYE TIL YOU DROWN

this is some choice bullfuckery here just top shelf stuff the bulls that fucked to make it have long since died of old age

moments of extreme thought and attempts at hacking the ultimate buttfuck of paradox space

CAREENING STRAIGHT UP OUR OWN ASSHOLES ON A PATH LONG SINCE ABANDONED BY THE LIGHT OF GOD

dont go to rose all she knows is hot topic and fuckin edward gorey unless you wanna hear about fishnet wristbands or heavily crosshatched dudes leanin on urns youre outta luck

welcome to daves international house of privilege no we do not have a wheelchair ramp or gluten free options

that is sign number one its ranked even higher than having an actual penis in your mouth like that coulda been an accident with a funny backstory

all his lyrics are hella homoerotic and like half the time i get the impression hes specifically rapping about gay ANIMALS its honestly super unsettling but his sense of rhythm is on point

im sorry i am just hugh laurie and this tune is surely going to die

if pagliacci had horns and was extremely drunk off his ass

theres no WAY were ceding narrative relevance to the fucking culinary dimension

if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes

havent you seen the headlines death is dead and dave strider killed it

theres no rule says two bros cant hug i havent seen a single sign sayin no bro hugs on this meteor

dont worry the chicken only comes up like every 90 seconds its not supposed to be distracting its just a fun lil bonus

shit was so stale folks kept breaking their teeth on it james cameron lost a class action suit dude had to foot the dental bills for like ten thousand poor toothless sons of bitches

were kinda driftin away from cool mysterious into kooky mysterious we are firmly in willy wonka territory here

note to editor get somebody whos actually seen this fuckin thing to come up with a better title im serious do not run this title you fucking idiots i repeat do not run this title

you know what im gonna miss is those trashy ass tweety bird shirts where the dudes suddenly got all this sass hes wearin a backwards baseball cap all sayin sorry i dont speak idiot its like goddamn bro whered all this fuckin sass come from

hes kinda ripped and has a ponytail so you think hes gonna be cool but hes actually just an insurance adjuster who gets really into home improvement shows on troll tlc

STUMBLING DRUNKENLY FROM ONE GARDEN PATH TO THE FUCKING NEXT

weve lost so many good men lookin for nuance in your books funeral costs are mounting there are protests in the streets its becoming a pr nightmare

you cant just murder somebody on their birthday eve that is way outta line its like a huge earth taboo

just a bunch of straight ass hobbits chillin on a bed while fuckin orlando bloom leers in the doorway like a creep

not that i have an ordered list of people i want touching my asshole what the fuck kind of list would that be

thats it the last of my shit is finally sorted got all my internalized homophobic ducks in a fucking row

thats what tipped us off to his extreme gayness not when he told us he had a boyfriend but when he expressed himself through the immortal choreography of queen bey

attenboroughs just shrieking "has nature gone too far" hes totally lost it dudes been in the jungle a long time dude doesnt even remember what his wifes face looks like anymore

too late the balls already rollin in the big ulterior motive rube goldberg machine its cruisin its way down a slight incline theres no stoppin it any minute its gonna gently nudge a lever or some shit

there is nothing cooler than coming back from space and revealing youve been dating an alien that is the main fuckin thing you gotta do when you go to space

all tenderly kissin my pallid lips tryna spit some blood back into my mouth in the vain hope itll bring me back spoilers it doesnt im dead

catching glimpses of that massive fucking codpiece eyeing me around the corner like some kind of penile jason voorhees

its like if hard cider had a really pissed off one eyed grandma who sat on the front proch drunk all the time holdin a rifle spittign a logn stream of chewing tobaccco into a hollowewed out skull

im totally booked on the gay romantic dinner front i am just bein wooed on an hourly basis by dudes on a checkered tablecloth every single day from here to forever

check us out now were partners in life and partners in rhyme look how far weve come were livin the dream

and through the cawing of sea birds and the crashing of waves he shrieks into the abyss yo dogg i heard you like wormholes

im just straight chillin shit am i even still allowed to use that phrase anymore are the sexuality police gonna come clap a hand on my shoulder and say excuse me sir you need to come with us

you always wanna confront me about some bullshit or get my nightly dream dick tally its 31 btw its down from the night before

wed stay up late into the night talkin man to crab drinking swapping stories waxin about all our shared interests like seaweed and our deep seated fear of melted butter

i bet your little teen murder howl is so scary i swear to god my monkey instincts are gonna kick in ill be so fucking scared i will shit this bed for you karkat i promise

dont get me wrong the plots incomprehensible and the pretenses some of those wizards use to make out are contrived at BEST but just between us ive honestly found myself pretty invested

im your sassy gay best friend slash world weary moirail depending on whether youre watchin the human or troll version either way im played by rupert everett

I guess I don’t know the full intricacies of this crocodile story, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I’d probably say it was less noble of a cause than true love.

Nothing more than the pipe dream of a mind seduced by the thought of finally popping its mayo cherry on a Nepali summit.

I would never stoop so low as to make a British teeth joke. I have more creative integrity than that.

If it’s a choice between rotting away in a crypt and kickin’ it Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids” style, it’s pretty clear which holds more widespread appeal.

shits definitely got a certain bouquet of jpeg artifact to it not to mention its strong as hell i think we invented something beautiful and terrible here today

he for sure just got rose to print him another copy that one doesnt “officially” exist either obviously were livin in the north korea of weird unsettling smut

oh shit whats this about is dave down a well did karkat get into the dr pepper again its 3 in the goddamn morning whatever it is it must be a huge ass emergency lemme grab my extra serious katana


Elsewhere in paradox space...

SWERVING THROUGH ALL THE MANY EYE-GOUGING, LIMB-RENDING, SKULL-CRUSHING TENTACLED ARMS OF FATE

just a couple really nervous bros bout to really nervously fuck each other for the first time nothin to see here folks lets move this show along

NEW CONTINENTS OF ASSHOLERY YET UNDISCOVERED

impaled by like thirty swords on a mountaintop as a passing eagle sheds a single tear

like some spooky blood covered jack in the box in an old timey haunted toystore

Introducing homestuck5.com

your dumb lil turnip face a rictus of dispassion