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Dave Strider is a Magic Kid

Summary:

DAVE STRIDER has never used a magical camera to start a school blog. He's never actually gone to school, befriended a troll, or helped someone hack into anti-no-maj-firewalls.

But all that is about to change when a not-so-mysterious letter arrives by crow messenger: a letter with an invitation to what some might call child prison. There he finds not only friends, magical social media, and a cranky roommate, but a weird destiny that's been following him...all of them.

Notes:

Sorry if it's slow my dudes. I recommend viewing chapter by chapter instead of entire story if you don't think your computer can handle it? I know my phone sometimes froze if I stayed on the chapter too long (could just be my phone idk). Here's a quick button just in case [press me]

Chapter Text

Click on "Dave Strider is a Magic Kid".

The reader's web browser just before clicking on this story's link.

You aren't doing anything. Nothing at all. Nope, no suspicious activity here-

Fine! Okay, so you're reading fanfiction! What's it to you? There is nothing, absolutely nothing embarrassing about using archiveofourown.org to search for perfectly respectable non-canon stories about your favorite books and movies!

You glance nervously at the history button. No one can know, okay?

You know what? You don't have time to be shamed by a fanciful fanfiction (though now that you've clicked on it, it'll surely wind up in your history, where it will be able to see every single story you've ever clicked on, including...oh no).

It's too late. The fic knows. Nothing much else to do but scroll down and read what it's got to offer...

> Enter name.

Enter name.

The player enters 'INSUFFERABLE PRICK' which is promptly deleted and answered with 'YOU NEED TO STOP'. Dave grimaces in his sleep.

This joke is getting old.

> Try again.

Try again.

The player enters the name 'DAVE STRIDER'. Ding ding ding ding! A green check mark agrees. Dave's eyes open.

> Wake up.

Wake up.

A view of Dave stretching awake, already sitting up. A pair of pointed glasses sit on the desk next to his bed.

Sure. You were waking up anyway.

> Put on stupid pointy glasses.

Put on stupid pointy glasses.

Dave now wears the stupid pointy glasses and is raising his middle finger to the reader.

Hey, lay off the glasses! You've had them for as long as you can remember. Only something incredibly monumental and heartrendering could ever force you to replace these things.

You put on your shades.

> Check your daily horoscope.

Check your daily horoscope.

A notification on his phone catches Dave's attention.

She may display certain moments of clairvoyance, and does often give cryptic advice for the future, but she's not a horoscope!

Nevertheless, you notice Jade has left you a message on Pesterchum. You open the pesterlog and are taken aback at the gall she has to pester you so early in the morning.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 06:54 --

GG: happy birthday dave!!!!!!!
GG: <3
GG: :DDDDD
GG: did you like the camera i made you?!!??
GG: daaaaavvveeeeeee
GG: oh i guess its kind of early for you.....

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 07:21 --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:35 --

TG: jfc what ungodly hour do you think i wake up at
TG: on my goddamn birthday no less
TG: i have enough self love to avoid dawn like a fish avoids land
TG: but no still dont have the harley cam
TG: mail doesnt come in till 11
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --
GG: youre up!!! :DDDD
GG: sorry i was just so excited!!
GG: and you caught me while i was playing!!!

TG: youre asleep
GG: yup!
GG: i was just about to jam a bit to send you the mix!!!
TG: hell yess
TG: thats like bday present x2
TG: now youre just spoiling me
TG: look at me im getting all shy and blushy
TG: im swooning with your generous dowry
GG: hehehehehe
GG: then i guess i should get on that :)))
GG: besides...
GG: i have a feeling i wont be able to use my bass like this for a looong time soon :(
TG: huh
TG: like something bad
TG: what is the world going to end or something?
GG: oh no!! nothing quite so drastic!
GG: in fact...the world is going to get a juussstt a bit bigger :D
TG: and thats...
TG: good i guess
GG: itll be new!!
GG: though more for you than itll be for me i think????
GG: but also for me but in a different way!
TG: ok
TG: will i ever know what this new thing is or
GG: soon :D
GG: veeerrryyyy soon in fact!
GG: though idk how well rose will take it.....
GG: i have a feeling youll be...
GG: cool B)
GG: about it!!!!
TG: haha i get it
TG: well so long as i stay cool i guess let em come
TG: or let whatever come...?
GG: yeah!!!! thats the spirit!!!!!!!!
TG: cool
TG: well since youre busy enjoying your last moments with your bass
TG: ill go ahead and wait out the mailman
TG: i can tell you how the harley cam works later
TG: give you a full review

GG: im looking forward to it :D
GG: and ill go ahead and jam out! :)
GG: have a nice dayy!!!!!!!!
GG: bro!!!!
TG: sure will
TG: night

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:50 --

> Retrieve mail.

Retrieve mail.

Dave's phone reads that the time is 10:51 AM.

You're waiting it out. Besides, you gotta do the morning thing before you announce to the world that you're awake. Chatting with Jade doesn't count. In fact, chatting with a sleeping Jade doesn't count twice as much as chatting with anybody on Pesterchum.

> Do the morning thing.

Do the morning thing.

An image of Dave staring out the window from outside his window.

You force yourself out of bed, cursing the winter season. Thankfully, a WARM HOODY protects you from the rude chill.

You can't recall the last time your room temperature was close to comfortable, though you rightly assume it must have been some time early fall. Just as the summer was starting to cool, before Jack Frost caught wind and took over.

By the time you do get out of bed, it doesn't feel as cold as before and any damnations you may have sent winter's way vanish completely from your mind. Stepping in front of your bedroom window, the sun is polite enough share some heat. You can almost understand why cats like to sleep in the sunlight.

> ==>

==>

Dave brushes his teeth, puts on his shoes, checks his hair, and then sits at his desk in front of the computer.

You do the morning thing.

> Now retrieve mail.

Now retrieve mail.

Dave is still on his computer.

You're still doing the morning thing. What kind of newly named 13 year old doesn't take a moment to pester his best bro for birthday wishes.

Plus, it's a long way down from here to the mailroom and the elevator has been out of service for a week now.

man listen, stairs. i am TELLING you

> Pester chum.

Pester chum.

On the desktop screen, Pesterchum is open. Dave begins pestering John.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 11:03 --

TG: what not even a happy bday
TG: ive been waiting all morning face glued to the screen with tears in my eyes just waitin for those birthday wishes gt
TG: you dont think i got shit to do
GT: happy birthday dave!!!
GT: sorry, i've been avoiding my dad all morning.
TG: finally some attention
TG: jk why u running from dadbert
GT: he's been making cakes all morning!
TG: youre running from free cake
GT: i am getting so sick of all this cake!
GT: Xb
GT: i told him offhand that one of my friends was turning 13 today and he thought i should deliver this cake to you as a sign of our eternal broship or whatever.
GT: now i wish i'd just kept my mouth shut!

TG: whoa wat
TG: its cake for me
GT: yes.
TG: that
GT: i know, it's so dumb.
GT: what am i going to do? draw you a picture of the cakes (plural!) on mspaint and send you the image?
GT: ugh. the whole house stinks of betty crocker.
TG: wat no
TG: thats my cake youre badmouthing there
TG: kids these days smh
TG: i guess tell your dad thanks or whatever even tho i cant actually eat those plural bday cakes
GT: really? don't encourage him dave!
GT: though i guess i can pass on the message.
GT: to be honest, i thought you'd make fun of him and move on.
GT: does your birthday make you soft?
GT: :D
TG: im ignoring the perfect opportunity to drop a hella euphanized joke on you right now to inform you that on a coolness scale from nick cage to my bro
TG: your dad is about a shaggy 2 dope
TG: which might still make him a joke but it also makes him exactly 20x cooler than you
TG: so if im nice to him on my bday it has nothing to do with how soft or hard i am
TG: its a matter of respect
GT: that's not even the most convoluted way you've managed to insult me, my dad, AND cage at the same time!
GT: i shouldn't have doubted your hardness!
TG: im so hard
GT: hehehe.
TG: gdi
TG: moving on from this terrible joke
TG: tell me what you got me

GT: no!
GT: wait, did you not get the present?
GT: it should have gotten to you by today!
GT: i think...keeping track of mail people is hard.
GT: :(
TG: dont get your knots in a bunch
TG: just wanna know how worth it itd be for me to walk down 3 dozen flights of stairs for this gift
TG: tho that doesnt mean there arent any hooligans out there stealing it as we speak
TG: city life means dealing with these sort of things every now and then
GT: oh no.
GT: stealing mail is a federal crime...
GT: don't let them take the present, dave! a lot of work went into that!
TG: well shit if its that important
TG: tell me what it is
GT: hell no.
TG: how do you expect me to fight these present stealing hooligans without any incentive
TG: cmon man im going to see it anyway
TG: unless its been stolen ofc
GT: bro, that's the point of a surprise! besides, that embarassing note i sent you would be a stain on our otherwise chill pesterlog streak!
GT: believe me.
TG: youre an embarassing stain on our otherwise chill pesterlog streak
GT: :(
TG: alrite youre not
GT: :)
TG: will you not grant me this bday wish
GT: just go down the 3 dozen flights of stairs and look for yourself!
TG: man listen
TG: stairs i am TELLING you
GT: ha. ha.
GT: do you see my face?
GT: this is the face of an amused 12 year old begging his best bro to walk down all those stairs.
TG: IT KEEPS HAPPENING
GT: pfft.
GT: okay fine. that made me snigger.
GT: the tiniest of smirks.
GT: im still not tell you what i got you.
GT: hehehe.
TG: fine my interest is peaked
TG: ill go walk down all these stairs
TG: brb
GT: finally!
GT: i hope you like it!
GT: hehehe.


-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 11:43 --

> NOW retrieve gifts from mailroom.

NOW retrieve gifts from mailroom.

A hunger meter signals that Dave is clearly hungry. Dave blushes like a maiden after his stomach rumbles.

As much as your interest is peaked, a sudden growl from your stomach reminds you that you've been awake for little over an hour and still haven't had breakfast. Your package is probably safe for the time being, no need to rush.

You head to the kitchen to officially finish doing the morning thing instead.

> Eat breakfast.

Eat breakfast.

The inside of a mini fridge displays a carton of expired milk, Danimals yogurt, and old chinese takeout.

The kitchen light is on when you enter. Your bro must've come into the kitchen early in the morning and left the light on. You switch off the light, the sun's got your back.

You forego opening the refrigerator and take a peek at the mini fridge. Refrigerators are for shit big bros don't want lil bros to touch. Lil bros get the lil fridge.

At least that's what your bro told you.

In the mini fridge is a recently expired carton of milk.

> Throw out expired milk.

Throw out expired milk.

Dave pouring the milk into a bowl, a box of Kellogs Mr.T cereal on the table.

Nah, man. Everyone knows recently expired milk is actually almost but not quite expired milk. It's still good and you're hungry.

You should probably tell your bro to go shopping for newer milk later. He tends to be forgetful about things like that. Man's busy.

You serve yourself a bowl of dry cereal and spill milk on it. Breakfast is served.

> ==>

==>

Dave eating his cereal on his bed.

You munch.

> Just message the last friend already.

Just message the last friend already.

Dave still eating his cereal. Now a notification pops up on his phone and computer.

You're not entirely sure what that means- oh would you look at that? It seems your last chum has sent you a message! Would be rude not to read it.

Man, time sure does fly when you're not doing anything in particular.

> Answer chum.

Answer chum.

Rose riding in a taxi, typing away on her laptop. Next to her is her mom, tapping away at her phone.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:59 --

TT: Noon is nigh, and it occured to me that I have yet to congratulate a certain birthday boy for reaching a truly magical age.
TT: Happy birthday, Dave.
TG: arent you an hour ahead
TG: 1 is nigh in lalonde territory
TT: In Lalonde territory, perhaps. Where I currently am, not so much.
TT: My mother happens to know a certain gentleman in Texas and decided today would be a fantastic day to visit.
TT: Suspiciously, she refuses to say more than that.
TG: tell me
TG: are you asking her straight up or are you asking her in that weird passive aggresive way u tend to ask things
TG: askin for a friend
TT: Asking her outright is outright out of the question.
TG: aight as much as id love to tell you how strange it is that youd rather travel to a state halfway across the country without any information as to why when you could very easily ask your mom
TG: youre in texas
TG: where
TT: Texas.
TG: wow we got a smartass
TG: anywhere near the address you put on that pink box you sent for today?
TT: About that...
TG: wat
TG: dont tell me you forgot
TG: no wait you just wished me a happy birthday you didnt forget
TG: oh
TG: oh no wait...
TG: the gears are crankin...
TG: and i dont just mean these ill beats i got constantly playin at the back of my mind
TG: you forgot to send me a birthday present
TG: ahahaha oh wow
TG: oh man im laughing my ass off here
TT: ...
TG: the present i did NOT fail to get you is on its way to your house rose
TG: and i hope it burns how much better it is than what you sent me
TG: which is nothing
TG: hahaha oh man
TG: i didnt think getting nothing for my bday would be this sweet

TT: You know, some might say the satisfaction of winning a competition of one-upmanship against me was my present all along.
TG: hell no
TG: im not even gonna get into the paradoxical implications of that being my present and you telling me that its my present
TG: you forgot i win fair n square
TT: We weren't competing to begin with.
TG: you were
TG: cant deny the truth rose
TG: even if you wont admit it to me there will always be that thought at the back of your mind calling you a loser for having the worst time keeping skills in the history of the world ever
TG: and i will encourage that shit till the end of times
TT: ...
TT: I did not forget. I simply lost track of time.
TG: right
TT: I do have something.
TT: Also, I won't be back home tomorrow, so technically, I still won't have received your present.
TT: So long as I give you your gift before I get yours, it should be a draw.
TG: youll be here on your birthday too huh
TT: Yes, I will be.
TT: As the birthday girl, I will also be granted a birthday wish.
TT: That is to say, though mother is busy visiting that gentleman of hers today, tomorrow we are free to visit my own choice of gentleman.
TG: is it me
TG: am i the gentleman
TT: Yes, Dave.
TT: It is you.
TG: cool
TT: Mm-hm.
TG: cuz for a second there i thought you were going to say john
TG: and wouldnt that just be a slap in the face
TG: not only completely missing the finish line to get me a bday present
TG: but also skipping right over the incredibly tall building that is where i live to hop on over to casa du egbert
TG: tho i guess id get it his dad would def get you like a bajillion cakes to celebrate your bday
TG: heck now i wanna go visit john for your birthday just to get summa that sweet betty crocker
TG: and mock gt for making a face everytime i take a bite
TG: oh man the dorks are gonna be so jealous
TG: jade has been bragging about a camera she made me for my bday for 6 months now
TG: lets take a picture and watch their minds explode when they catch a glance of all the coolness
TG: mostly mine ofc but it wouldnt be fair to say that to balance the combined dorkness of those two my cool would suffice
TG: you help too a little
TT: Do you not want me to visit?
TG: what
TG: why would you say that
TG: cant back out now rose
TT: I've had practice, but I still find it hard to differentiate between your excited rambles, your nervous rambles, and your normal rambles.
TT: And, I'll admit, I'm a tad nervous about meeting someone from our group in person as well.
TT: If you'll allow me an honest chat, I mean.
TG: jesus rose
TG: fine a moment of truth then
TG: i mean yea i am kind of nervous
TG: but that doesnt mean i dont want you to visit
TG: hell ill buy a cat bed for your goddamn cat if it makes it easier to prove how much i really would like to see you in person
TG: no homo
TT: Dave, I don't think you're using that term correctly.
TG: fine
TG: homo
TG: there you happy now
TT: Now I'm not sure if this is a subtle scheme of yours to come out of the closet without "embarassing" yourself.
TT: Which, if it is, I'm sure you know my sentiments toward you will never change.
TT: And while I can't speak on behalf of John and Jade, I'm sure they feel the same.
TG: wow glad to know that moment of sincerity is over just like that
TT: I am still being sincere, but if it helps to treat it all as a joke, I'm fine with that.
TG: you and your goddamn psycho analyzing bs
TG: just dont worry about visiting
TG: having a serious conversation with you is tiring
TT: I'll keep that in mind for our meeting tomorrow.
TT: By the way, there's no need to buy Jaspers a bed. He's willing to give up his personal space and sleep with me for a couple of nights.
TT: He would appreciate a can of tuna, however. White tuna in water.

TG: well tell him we only have the shitty light tuna kind
TG: jaspers gonna have to pull his weight around here if he wants any sort of fancy shmancy white tuna
TG: rose
TG: ?
TT: It seems we've arrived at our destination. We can continue discussing Jaspers' menu options later.
TG: yea alright
TG: wow cya tomorrow then
TT: That too.
TG: huh
TG: ?

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:32 --

TG: wow way to be dramatic
TG: the hell does that even mean

> Finish meal.

Finish meal.

Now at the kitchen sink, Dave notices something inside.

On that somewhat ominous note, it's about time to go collect all your birthday loot. You drop your bowl off at the sink.

What's this? Someone left a perfectly good sylladex lying in here? And there's a note as well.

> Read note.

Read note.

The note is written in Dirk's orange-yellow text color.

"Bro,
I figured you were old enough to own one of these. About time too. It was getting embarrassing, seeing you physically lift objects based on their mass and volume. No fucking class.

Happy birthday, lil man.
"

> Equip sylladex.

Equip sylladex.

Ten numbered captchalogue cards appear onscreen. This is Dave's captchalogue deck.

Hell yes.

> Take phone.

Take phone.

Dave captchalogues his phone.

Taken.

It seems to already come equipped with the HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.

Looks like the HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.

PHONE = 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 = 8

8 % 10 = 8

The PHONE is captchalogued in card 8.

> Let's test this baby out.

Let's test this baby out.

Dave in front of a door. 'knock knock knock'.

And what better way to test this baby out than to captchalogue all your presents? Surely nothing could go wrong and no antics will ensue whatsoever.

You head to the front door to finally brave the three dozen flights of stairs when you hear a knock at the door.

> Open door.

Open door.

Dave slowly begins to open the door.

> ==>

==>

Dave is still opening the door in a slow like manner.

> ==>

==>

The door swings open to reveal Rose Lalonde and Mom-Roxy Lalonde behind it.

> ==>

==>

Dave is surprised.

Rose is a goddamn liar.

> Invite the ladies inside.

Invite the ladies inside.

Roxy takes the initiative to walk inside, much to the kids' surprise.

Mom Lalonde invites herself in.

> ==>

==>

From the kid's perspective, Roxy is talking to a wall.

Roxy: dirk strider get your sorry ass out here
Dave: !?
Rose: !?

> ==>

==>

Suddenly Dave's bro is there!!

> ==>

==>

Roxy is scolding Dirk. Total mom energy.

Roxy: u ignore my msgs >:(
Dirk: Rox-
Roxy: instead you get Hal to put me on hold
Roxy: i was on hold for a week dirk >:0

Dirk: Okay, first of all, don't call it that. It's an auto-responder, it lacks the empa-
Roxy: i had to sober up for this!
Dirk: Ouch. Alright, second of all, you're welcom-
Dirk: Ow! Okay, I deserved that one.
Roxy: a week!!
Dirk: That's not even the longest- ow ow ow.

> ==>

==>

Dave and Rose stare.

Dave: (wtf)
Dave: (is going on)
Dave: (why is your mom beating up my bro)
Rose: (Now that she mentions it, I haven't seen her drink in a while.)
Dave: (thats good right)
Rose: (She's been crankier than usual, but she was still acting so obnoxiously chipper that I didn't realize...)
Dirk: Stop pulling on my ear! Do you even pull on your daughter's ear like this?
Roxy: my daughter doesnt avoid me for months at a time for no reason >:(
Rose: (Not for lack of trying.)
Dave: (did you know your mom knows my bro?)
Dave: (is this not fucking with you right now?)

Rose: (Of course it's fucking with me. But as any respectable psychologist would, I am observing the patients.)
Dave: (thats the creepiest way youve ever admitted to commiting psychoanalyzation)
Rose: (More are to come, surely.)
Dave: (jfc)
Dirk: Roxy. Seriously, this is so fucking stupid.
Roxy: *youre* so fucking stupid
Roxy: >:|

> ==>

==>

Back to the adults, the kids in the background. Roxy has stopped beating Dirk up.

Roxy: i get it, ok?
Roxy: i dont want 2 send my lil girl away either, but you cant ignore this, distri...

Dirk: ...
Roxy: .....
Roxy: or are you jelly?
Roxy: pls tell me youre not fucking jelly.......

Dirk: ...
Roxy: omg its both
Roxy: why is it both????

Dave: (wtf)
Dave: (is going on)

Rose: (You've already said that.)
Dave: (and im going to say it again)

> Say it again.

Say it again.

Dave makes a weird face as he takes a deep breath.
The adults stare at Dave raising his voice.

Dave: what the actual fuck
Dave: is going on????

> ==>

==>

The adults stare. Welp.

> End of Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Notes:

I have all these pages and am still not done with chapter 2 :(

So I decided to post 'em early! Guess it should be fine, right? By the way, slightly edited chapter 1: now dave is THREE dozen flights up.

I know I recommended reading this chapter by chapter to avoid lag. I also recommend not reading it at all because its slow and mostly a bunch of jokes I wanted to see with plot slowly crawling in the background, pretending to matter.

PS: the delete game data button doesn't work ;-; its just there for aesthetic purposes

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Next Chapter →

The curtain opens to the same image of Roxy and Dirk staring.
Dave coughing into his hand, pretending he's chill.

You may have lost your cool for a second there...

> Recover.

Recover.

Dave and Rose whispering conspiratorially. Bro and Mom watch.

Dave: ahem
Dave: i mean
Dave: ok yeah no this is really weird
Dave: (psst)

Rose: ?
Dave: (rose)
Dave: (will your mom start yanking at my ear if i cuss in front of her?)
Rose: (I think you're safe.)
Dave: (ok cool)
Dirk: You kids know we can hear you, right?
Roxy: omg you know each other?
Roxy: :0

> ==>

==>

Dirk and Roxy discussing child rearing strats.

Dirk: You didn't know?
Roxy: you did?
Dirk: You were doing the personal space thing, weren't you?
Dirk: There is such a thing as too much personal space, Roxy.

Roxy: and there's such a thing as being too controlling, dirk.
Roxy: HOW do they knw each other?
Roxy: rose, darling, explain to mommy how you know each other
Rose: ...
Dirk: What the hell was that?
Roxy: what was wat?
Dirk: That tone of voice. What the hell was that tone of voice, you sound like you drank a gallon of helium.
Roxy: :|
Roxy: thats my mom voice
Dirk: She's not a goddamn cat, Roxy. She can understand your normal human voice just fine.
Roxy: bluuuhhhhhh
Roxy: dirrrrrrkkkkkk
Roxy: quick lil dirk

> ==>

==>

Dave pointing at himself.

Dave: ?
Dave: who me
Roxy: yea yous
Roxy: you explain your relationship with my dotter before dirk goes on dumbass tirade about how hes soooo much better at raising a kid than me
Dirk: Alright, my tirades are rad as fuck, but suit yourself.
Roxy: sure will
Roxy: kiddo?
Dave: um
Dave: pesterchum?
Dave: (what the hell am i supposed to say?)

Rose: Ideally, that answer should suffice.
Roxy: i guess :/
Roxy: i guess this means explaining should be ez!
Dirk: Hold on a moment. Bro, spend some downtime with your friend in your room. Momlonde and I have some talkin' to get done.
Roxy: oh noes
Dave: uh
Dave: sure

> Escort Rose.

Escort Rose.

A full view of Dave's room with both kids and Jaspers inside.

You escort Rose to your room, where she jeers distastefully at the wires on the ground.

She doesn't look particularly put off, however. Probably psycho-analyzing your posters as Jasper scratches at your pillow.

> Talk to Rose.

Talk to Rose.

Dave searching his closet.

You wreak havoc through your closet to offer her some southern hospitality. AKA: apple juice. You like to keep these at hand in your room, especially during winter.

Dave: did you know my bro and your mom were
Dave: friends i guess
Dave: they seemed kinda friendly right
Dave: i mean i know they were fighting a whole lot but i have a feeling i just saw what a conversation between you and me looks like from an outsider's pov
Dave: which in a way i guess was kind of adorable
Dave: i mean also pretty vicious your mom nearly tore bros ear off back there but im sure theyre roasting each other out as we speak
Dave: freaky coincidance though right
Dave: yknow it just occured to me
Dave: i lied about the light tuna
Dave: we dont have tuna
Jaspers: :(
Rose: What are you doing?
Dave: looking for apple juice why do you ask
Rose: The situation is getting increasingly worrying and you're looking for apple juice?
Dave: rose are you telling me you dont want aj
Rose: What could they be hiding from us? Does that topic, which is guaranteed to pertain to us, not interest you in the slightest?
Rose: And did you tell your brother about me specifically? Because he didn't seem so much bothered by our knowing each other as much as he was about mother's arrival specifically.
Rose: Considering your outburst earlier, I would think at least half of this interests you.
Rose: And yet here you are. Searching your closet for apple juice.
Dave: just for me then
Rose: Dave!

> ==>

==>

Dave half offering, half forcing a bottle of apple juice to/on Rose.

Dave: so what you wanna spy on them or something
Dave: because trust me its impossible to spy on my bro
Dave: its like hes everywhere at once
Dave: omnipresent if you will
Rose: So,
Rose: You simply want to wait it out?
Dave: i was thinking more along the lines of hanging out but that works too
Dave: look
Dave: this is literally the first time ive seen you in person
Dave: and i used literally in the more literal sense and not in some form of mock-worthy exaggeration
Dave: isnt this like a big step in our friendship or whatever?
Dave: if youll allow me the mushy talk

> ==>

==>

Rose finally take the fucking AJ.

Rose: ...
Rose: It certainly is an endeavor. After all, holding a serious conversation with me must be tiresome.
Dave: wow sarcastic rose activated faster than i thought she would
Dave: thats good
Dave: besides
Dave: im not saying we cant speculate to our hearts content about whatever secret theyve been keeping from us our entire lives
Dave: as of now this has become a no judgement zone for any and all scandalous theories and smutty fanfics we can think up involving my bro and your mom
Dave: maybe they used to date
Rose: Maybe they're siblings.

> Discuss wild theories.

Discuss wild theories.

Dave drinking his juice, Rose on the bed, playing with Jaspers.
Rose sitting comfortably on the bed, talking. Dave, kind of laying on both the bed and the wall, head hanging off the edge, glasses upside-down. Jaspers is laying under Dave's legs.

You continue discussing theories and smut in equal amounts.

> ==>

==>

A crow suddenly slams into the window. 'BONK!' Rose jump and turns her head toward the noise. Dave falls off the bed, losing his glasses momentarily. He puts them back on and also turns to the window.

You are rudely interrupted from a particularily detailed tale of love between two spies from opposing families when something slams on your window.

You don't know if you've mentioned this before, but you live on the top floor of a 36 floor building. You didn't expect to get rocks thrown at your window. You're willing to listen to some dumbass singing in the rain with a boombox on their shoulder playing Peter Gabriel, but you doubt such an honor has been bestowed upon you today.

> ==>

==>

The knocking continues.

Dave: what the hell
Rose: It's not stopping.

> Check out that noise.

Check out that noise.

A crow stares through the window. Words in Rose's text color say 'Bad omen' with and arrow pointing at the crow.

According to horror movie logic, this is the worst idea. You walk to the window and find...a crow. Damn birds are everywhere.

> ==>

==>

A closer shot of the window. The crow cocks its head and lifts a letter slightly.

It seems to have a letter.

> [S] Be Harry Potter.

[S] Be Harry Potter.

Harry Potter was given a letter by an owl, but this is close enough that it warrants an ironic depiction. Besides, who wouldn't want to read a letter delivered via bird (even an asshole bird).

> ==>

==>

Dave gets pecked by crow. Rose remains alarmed for obvious reasons.

Stupid, goddamn lousy bird!

> Take letter.

Take letter.

Dave watches as the crow protects the letter (which is on the desk) from Jaspers' claws, though Jaspers seems more interested in the bird itself.

You are not putting your hand near that mess. Thankfully, you have a sylladex and can easily captchalogue that shit scratch-free.

2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 10 % 10 = 0

The LETTER is captchalogued in card 0.

> Read letter.

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