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How long until I have to bury you by myself?

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TG: and thats how i got my head dunked in the toilet at a second-rate dennys
CG: WOW WHAT A TANTALIZING STORY OF FIBS, FAILURE, AND DRAMA. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THEIR EYES WHEN THEY SEE IT, AND THEY’LL BE TALKING AND MEMEING ABOUT EVERY MOMENT FOR DAYS ON END, LIKE WHEN YOU CONVINCED THE BARKEEP THE ONION RING WAS A BOMB. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WILL BE ENCHANTED AND YOU’LL BE ESCALATED INTO BEING A GODTIERED AUTOBIOGRAPHER LEGEND.
CG: WITH THAT SAID, CAN WE GET BACK TO WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE???
TG: i dunno dude just think about it
TG: i could make so much bank off of this
TG: just picture dave david striders latest novel the second-rate dennys toilet caper plastered all over billboards planet wide with my face giving a cool collected nod on it like yeah you know whats up
TG: people will be all over it
TG: ill be on live with troll stephen colbert and someone is going to throw their grub at me in adoration and you know what ill take it ill kiss it on the cheek ill hand it back to you that grub will now know its been blessed by the stars
CG: TROLL STEPHEN COLBERT IS A TOOL AND YOU KNOW IT.
TG: yeah but thats what really sells the act
TG: someone cool like me on a shitty talkshow no one but their old and decomposing parents watch sends the true message that im a person
TG: im a normal person just like you i have to put up with troll stephen colberts receding hairline too
CG: ALSO MONEY ISN’T REAL ANYMORE.
CG: I DON’T GET WHY YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE IT IS.
TG: no you see you misunderstand
TG: its not paper money i talk about
TG: its spirit money
CG: SPIRIT MONEY.
TG: spirit money
TG: the more good deeds i do like im ebenezer scrooge finally handing out money to all the downtrodden orphans understanding what it truly means to be in class struggle the more spirit money i get
TG: and with more spirit money you know what i get
CG: I’M STILL TRYING TO GRAPPLE WITH THE APPALLING EGOTISM IN ACTING LIKE PUBLISHING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY IS EQUIVALENT TO HELPING LITERAL STARVING ORPHANS.
TG: shush
TG: you know what i get with all that spirit money
TG: tickets to the skrillex memorial concert in earth c heaven
TG: and then both of us make out on stage
CG: DAVE YOU KNOW HOW YOU RAMBLE WHENEVER YOU WANT TO AVOID A TOPIC?
TG: yes
CG: AND HOW IT ALWAYS ENDS UP PAINFULLY UNFUNNY AND UNBEARABLE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED?
TG: yes
CG: …
CG: AND?
TG: i think
TG: that
CG: YES?
TG: this movie
CG: YES?
TG: sucks ass
TG: there i said it now we can go turn the stream off and pretend we didnt just waste 2 hours of our lives watching skrillex sweat through his shirt like its a sauna
CG: THANK.
CG: GOD.
CG: IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THOUGH WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON ON EARTH B THAT MADE SKRILLEX THE PRIEST OF A BREAKAWAY FACTION OF INSANE CLOWN WORSHIPERS.
CG: AND WHY DID SOMEONE MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT IT?
TG: i wasnt there for that timeline go ask dirk
CG: I’M NOT ASKING DIRK.
TG: go ask roxy
CG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO WASTE XYR TIME WITH THIS.
TG: yeah youre right id just feel bad if i brought it up
TG: even if i would absolutely get my mack on with skrillexs greasy fanta-stained lips
CG: ISN’T IT FAYGO?
CG: ALSO GROSS.
TG: eh i cant tell the two apart theyre ontologically identical in my head
TG: if you buy either of them im fairly certain theyre actually the same object and only when you drink them do you realize youve been duped by the universe itself
CG: SURE LET’S ROLL WITH THAT, I DON’T CARE ENOUGH TO BE A SODA SOMMELIER.
TG: sodammelier
CG: SURE WHATEVER.
TG: and to think that i dedicated four hours and a symbolic number of minutes to getting this stream set up across both of our computers while im in an apartment on the other side of the globe and you’re at a mound of rock built in a desert with poor wi-fi connectivity because the sculptor who built it decided to make the lives of anyone who visited miserable
CG: DAVE.
CG: THAT’S FUCKED UP.
CG: I’M NOT EVEN SAYING THAT IN THE EXAGGERATED “OH KARKAT IS FREAKING OUT” TONE THAT’S GENUINELY FUCKED UP.
CG: THIS IS A 12 MILES-WIDE MEMORIAL TO EVERYONE WHO DIED ON ALTERNIA AND FROM THE CONDESCE’S REGIME, THE LEAST YOU COULD SHOW IS SOME SERIOUS RESPECT.
TG: and it was built in the middle of nowhere like i get it but if youre going to do that then dont be shocked when someone goes ah fuck how am i supposed to get pics of my bfs bulge
CG: BY LOOKING AT THE ONES YOU GOT BEFOREHAND, GOOD GRIEF.
CG: SERIOUSLY I DON’T GET IT. EVERY TIME WE’RE OUT HERE YOU ALWAYS GET WEIRD. I’VE INVITED YOU LOADS TOO SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR AN EXCUSE OF “oh hur dur my friends left me behind ill time travel to a linkin park concert.” GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
CG: IS IT BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS HERE? IS THAT IT?
CG: IS IT BECAUSE DIRK IS HERE AND YOU WANTED TO RAP WITH HIM?
TG: god no
TG: i love the guy but hes been on another weird philosophy bend lately and keeps trying to integrate lyrics about bodies without organs and the woe of capitalisms infinite debt into these epic ballads and theyre always just awkward to handle
TG: deleuze guattari idk who those guys are i just want to drop some sick fires for gods sake
CG: THEN WHAT IS IT?
CG: I NEED YOU TO STOP GIVING THE STRIDER-PATENTED QUESTION DODGE AND SAY A STRAIGHT ANSWER. IT’S FRUSTRATING TO DEAL WITH.
TG: i mean i
TG: just
TG: dont get it?
CG: ARE YOU BEING FUCKING REAL WITH ME NOW.
TG: no im dead serious the bullshits cut the bulls back to its pen and the cleaners scooped up all the future manure
TG: i like
TG: i dont get why you have memorials?
TG: why anyone has a memorial?
TG: people died
TG: thats it
TG: theres nothing you can do for them once that happens theyre gone and yeah while that sucks you cant bring them back with any amounts of sculpting or attempted glyptomancy
TG: its just whats happened
CG: DAVE THIS IS A DEPRESSION THING ISN’T IT.
TG: its not a therapy day today thats when rose gets back and clobbers me over the head with a diagnostic boulder
TG: just like cain
CG: HONEST TO GOD STOP BEING SNIDE, I GENUINELY WANT TO HELP OUT.
CG: I DON’T WANT YOU FEELING SHIT OVER WHAT YOUR WASTEVACUOLE OF AN EMOTION SPONGE TRIES TO TELL YOU.
TG: i mean thats the thing im not feeling like shit
TG: i dont care about it i stopped caring about it ages back because it doesnt get you anywhere to keep caring about it it only bogs you down and makes you into that greek dude on the mountain who really loved rolling a fucking rock or whatever dirk says
TG: it didnt help me so i kinda
TG: stopped
TG: pushed away
TG: and you know what it works for me its one less thing to deal with
TG: blood shouldnt bother me so why should corpses
TG: logic checks out turnways the kid with the aviators gets to throw his own body out the window into lava and he never faces emotional repercussions
TG: other selves keep cropping up around him like its christmas in magmaland and the presents are dudes but they all drop like flies and its cool its cool he doesnt drop his cool and dammit i dont have the energy in me
TG: got computational now i got no repititional alliterational turntech wordology
TG: thatll be cool once i wake up tomorrow and see this chat and go damn those really were bars its not embarrassing in the slightest
CG: I.
CG: DUDE.
CG: YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP.
TG: so what its not going to do anything
TG: we both know this
TG: i remember this one time a doomed counterpart of myself came back and told me not to make one wrong move around hephaestus or hed level the entire forge himself
TG: he knew he was dead no matter what so you know what he did?
TG: he went over to this staircase by the platform we were on
TG: oh right we were on a scaffolding tower miles up thats important jot that lore down on the wiki stat
TG: he went over
TG: he nodded said peace
TG: then he threw himself down
TG: tumbled all the way to the bottom and broke his neck on the final step and you know what?
TG: in all the weeks i spent trying to play sburb and get our scenario pixel perfect so no one had to die?
TG: that was the single funniest moment i had
TG: seriously i couldnt stop laughing i had to hold my chest while his spinal fluid was draining out
TG: his whole head was tilted sideways too like it was a sbahj face
TG: im halfway convinced he tried that out multiple times using other selves because the delivery was impeccable
TG: and i was considering doing that the day before we got in the game myself
TG: bro wouldve gotten a real kick out of it i feel
TG: damn imagine if he tried to puppet me around like i was lil cal wouldnt that be fucked up or what
TG: the egbert brainworm strikes again
CG: …
CG: I.
CG: DAVE.
TG: what
TG: do you think itd be worth the time to make a memorial for all those dead daves or would it not be a waste of time for fucking everyone involved
TG: those corpses already buried themselves
TG: ive got no part in it anymore
CG: DAVE, AS YOUR BOYFRIEND, AS THE PERSON WHO WILL LOVE YOU THROUGH EVERY SHITTY ATTEMPT AT DEFLECTIVE HUMOR DURING A VENT, I NEED YOU TO DO ONE, MINUTE, INFINITESIMAL THING FOR ME.
TG: shoot
CG: I NEED YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CG: STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF THIS WAY.
CG: RECOGNIZE HOW UNHEALTHY THIS IS.
CG: PLEASE.
CG: THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO FOR YOU BEFORE THE REASSURANCE BOUNCES OFF THE THICK STEEL-PLATED WALL YOU CALL A THINKPAN BUT PLEASE, GET SOME REAL MEDICAL HELP THAT ISN’T ME TRYING TO YELL SUPPORT THROUGH YOUR HEARCHUTE.
CG: YOU CAN’T JUST HANDLE THIS ALL ON YOUR OWN.
TG: idk dude ive been managing
TG: and besides
TG: you said it yourself
TG: theres only so much you can do for me
TG: you dont have to carry the burden and with the way youve been responding its pretty clear that it isnt working out for you
CG: DON’T YOU DARE SUGGEST WHAT I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO SUGGEST.
TG: no im not taking it that far
TG: trust me we can drop the chat and we can go to sleep and tomorrow we can do whatever stuff we want without it ever being brought up again
TG: itll be ez pz
TG: i mean unless thats what you want i dont have a read of your end of the situation if this is only going to piss you off thats fine
CG: I’M PISSED OFF AT YOUR TRAINWRECK OF A BRAIN YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.
CG: I DON’T WANT YOU TO EVER TREAT YOURSELF LIKE THIS AND I AM GOING TO STICK WITH YOU.
TG: i mean is that out of obligation
TG: because sometimes its easy to confuse ourselves about what we want to do especially when its an emotionally grueling task like managing a depressed god
CG: IT’S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SHITFORBRAINS.
TG: but i still dont know what thats like for you
TG: eh
TG: whatever
TG: you know a few years ago before the dirk fiasco happened i got into this habit of like
TG: time traveling to a point centuries ago
TG: way before we got anything set up on this planet
TG: hell more than a few centuries a few thousand years half of the world was submerged and the only rocks i could stand on were barren spikes
TG: id always go there this same time frame space out each jump enough that id never see myself
TG: and id sit there
TG: look at waves
TG: look at underwater outlines of collapsed condesce fortresses
TG: look at the ocean
TG: and tell myself
TG: that i could die here
TG: and that no one would ever know
TG: and itd be easy too i have a body of water inhabited by cthulhus orgasmic fuckspawn i could drown myself in or i could take my sword out and decapitate or impale myself as seems to be the running theme for us strilondes and let the aforementioned fuckspawn eat whats left
TG: and you know what the bonus is?
TG: i could do this more than once
TG: time travel in a post-canon environment means the limits on what i can pull off are reduced so i can chain paradoxes together duplicate myself get those dudes all up in there and off myself like its a merry go round of temporal self-piticide
TG: adding the cherry on the blood-soaked velvet deathcake is the fact that some paradoxes can screw with your memory so its possible i was the last one at the end of the dudetrain that had no one else to lop me off
TG: ignore how atrocious the phrasing is
TG: point is i couldve killed myself a dozen times and never remember and you know what?
TG: its going just fine
TG: it doesnt need to bother anyone at all
TG: i know youre guaranteed to be typing up some long-winded rambling message of affection and care and that doesnt bother me at all but you know what
TG: with the trajectory my powers seem to be following
TG: since ults are happening left and right
TG: if it goes far enough i probably time travel
TG: time travel outside of time
TG: yeah i know wild shit thats nuts the whole audience is going whaaaaaaaaat but really
TG: if i can time travel to any point i want then its easy to imagine viewing it less as traveling and more as picking points along a timeline to influence and from there you can rationalize yourself as an outsider only looking in to cause events to transpire
TG: then you can ditch the illusion that you only ever exist in one timeframe at a time and lose your anchor
TG: float off
TG: drift up
TG: and once youre there you can find all the points you caused people trouble, were a burden, bothered anyone
TG: and remove those
TG: and
TG: if i want to go the extra mile?
TG: remove myself
TG: from all of it
TG: tailor things to make sure they dont go wrong
TG: that i dont get involved
TG: that no one remembers my name
TG: nothing else would matter too hell i could remove this conversation it wouldnt influence you or anyone else
TG: i could get the merry go round to go forever
TG: i could tell bro that he was right that i am a fuckup that i dont have what it takes that i didnt train as hard as i could or become the man i couldve been
TG: and then i could reset everything from step zero
TG: just the two of us
TG: training
TG: and
TG: this time around
TG: id deserve the beatdown
TG: heh its funny
TG: i dont care about venting anymore now that i know itll be erased from time regardless
CG: I DON’T HAVE A LONG-WINDED MESSAGE TYPED UP.
CG: I DID, BUT I DECIDED TO DELETE IT.
TG: …
TG: wait what
CG: YEAH I KNOW, WILD SHIT, THE WHOLE AUDIENCE IS SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT THE LOUDMOUTH CAN KNOW WHEN TO SWALLOW HIS OWN WORDS, AND THEY SUFFOCATE FROM GASPING SO HARD THAT THEIR LUNGS CRUMPLE.
CG: I KNEW IT WOULDN’T HELP TO MAKE PITHY RESPONSES.
CG: I STILL STAND BY WHAT I SAID EARLIER, ABOUT YOU NEEDING MORE HELP THAN ONLY WHAT I CAN GIVE.
CG: BUT.
CG: WHEN I WAS ON THE METEOR.
CG: THIS IS SOMETHING NONE OF YOU EVEN KNOW, I KEPT IT WELL HIDDEN,
CG: I CUT MYSELF.
CG: REGULARLY.
TG: dude shit
TG: im so sorry you couldve come to me about it
CG: SHUT UP, I’M NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE RECEIVING CONDOLENCES.
CG: I’VE HEALED.
CG: BUT DURING THAT TIME I WAS FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT I WAS DONE FOR NO MATTER WHAT
CG: MAYBE GAMZEE WOULD OFF ME OR THE UNIVERSE WOULD CATCH UP TO ME FOR MY CRIMES OF NOT HAVING SAVED MY FRIENDS.
CG: TREATED THEM LIKE PEOPLE.
CG: AND WHILE I WAS CLOSE TO SLITTING MY WHOLE WRIST WITH MY SICKLE AND LETTING IT ALL OUT, I HESITATED.
CG: MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF.
CG: THAT, WHEN I DO DIE, I WON’T BE ALONE.
CG: AND THAT, WHILE IT HAPPENS, I WON’T HATE MYSELF.
CG: I’M NOT SURE WHERE THE SPONTANEOUS COMPOSURE CAME FROM, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEONE 180 LIKE THAT, BUT I WALKED AWAY AND DECIDED AGAINST IT.
CG: EVERY TIME I’VE HAD THE SAME EMOTIONS COME BACK I’VE REMINDED MYSELF OF THAT PROMISE.
CG: THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN.
TG: karkat after hearing you spill your guts right in front of me im 90% sure you could get me to do anything you want and i wouldnt even disagree
CG: GOOD, BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO PROMISE THE SAME THING TO YOURSELF.
CG: THAT YOU WON’T DIE ALONE AND YOU WON’T HATE YOURSELF AS IT HAPPENS.
CG: AND I SWEAR TO GOD THE STATEMENT EXCLUDES FUCKERY LIKE BEING SURROUNDED BY YOURSELVES OR BEING AN AMNESIAC OR SOME SHIT.
TG: no trust me i wouldnt do that
TG: ok
TG: done
CG: REALLY?
TG: yes
TG: but
TG: i say as i draw a secret card out from my magicians sleeve
TG: pretend june gave me one or something for the metaphor to work
CG: GUHHHHHHH. FINE, WHAT IS IT.
TG: its that you have to watch the rest of the skrillex documentary with me
TG: tomorrow
CG: …
CG: DAVE.
TG: yes
CG: DID YOU.
CG: TAKE.
CG: A PROMISE.
CG: FOR BOTH OF OUR EMOTIONAL WELL-BEINGS.
CG: AND USE IT.
CG: TO MAKE ME WATCH MORE OF A SHITTY MOVIE???????????????????
TG: i mean i wouldve accepted the promise no matter what but i wanted to throw in my own extra touch
TG: the strider pizazz
CG: DAVID STRIDER I
CG: AM
CG: FUCKING
CG: LIVID
CG: YOU TAKE A HEARTFELT TEARFUL MOMENT AND IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, SPIN IT INTO THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, PAN-ROTTING NONSENSE I’VE EVER WITNESSED IN MY LIFE
CG: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW I’M
CG: ASHGDFAHGSFDAHGSFDHAGSDJGHASFDJKGAFSDJHAGSDJAHGSDJH
TG: yes we get it you bottom
CG: OH LIKE YOU’RE ANY FUCKING BETTER, I’VE SEEN THE WAY YOU CHOKE.
TG: you kno it
TG: but yes i did just ruin this emotional moment for the both of us so congrats its bullshit
CG: JESUS CHRIST.
CG: I REALLY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DAVE.
TG: and
TG: as bonus
CG: OH GOD NO.
TG: once were done with the movie ill go back in time
TG: since earth c and earth b are the same place i can bypass the universe limitation like that
TG: ill go back to earth b
TG: and ill make out with skrillex right then and there
TG: knee deep in the faygo
CG: GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
TG: its hard
TG: being a greasy, soda-covered sadboy
TG: its hard and nobody understands
CG: OH YOU’RE JUST TOYING WITH ME NOW, FUCK OFF.
TG: hahahahahaha
TG: man yknow i seriously cant kill myself when youre this funny every time youre mad
TG: i was blessed to be in a timeline where i can witness a stubby-horned loser go off his rocker when a dude wants to get his mack on with an outmoded electronica legend
CG: WHAT MAKES THIS WORSE IS THAT I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT.
TG: you know i am
CG: WOW THIS REALLY DID TURN STUPID, HUH.
TG: yeah im impressed with myself honestly
TG: that was a solid freakout on your part too though i feel it couldve used more flowery language
TG: its been a while since i got the true all-out vantas vivacity
CG: SUFFOCATE ON YOUR OWN BULGE.
TG: same time tomorrow?
CG: SURE.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, PLEASE GET SOME HELP. YOU MAY BE AN ADORABLE IDIOT BUT THAT DOESN’T NEGATE EVERYTHING I SAID TO YOU.
TG: dont worry ill actually do it
TG: ill schedule an appointment tomorrow if i dont you can break my ribs so i can fulfill that suffocation remark to its fullest
CG: I REFUSE TO DO THAT.
TG: good
TG: gn katty love you
CG: LOVE YOU TOO.
CG: ACTUALLY WAIT BEFORE YOU SIGN OFF.
TG: yes?
CG: YOU.
CG: YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING AN APPOINTMENT, RIGHT?
TG: dude no matter how much nonsense i say i wont lie
TG: ill get help
TG: we wont lose each other
TG: not now, not ever
TG: okay?
CG: OKAY.
CG: I JUST
CG: WANTED TO MAKE SURE.
TG: i understand
TG: goodnight karkat
CG: GOODNIGHT.
TG: try not to shout yourself to death
CG: OH SHUT UP ALREADY.
TG: <3
CG: <3

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