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Excuse Me (as I go fuck a Geo Hypostasis)

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On a bright sunny day in Teyvat, deep in the Liyue mountains, lay piles upon piles of dead hillichurl bodies. It was peaceful, except for the sound of moaning coming from the now empty hillichurl hut.

"Zhongli…!" Ajax gasped, hissing against the wood. His forehead ground against the wooden column, his arm positioned behind him, sliding the round end of the thickest polearm he could find up his ass.

Buying a dildo from the old toy seller would have been more ideal, but there was zero chance Ajax would let anyone know. Liyue was full of gossipers.

The Fatui reputation had already fallen to an all time low after his attempt to steal the archaic lord's gnosis. Cum trickled down his cock, Ajax masturbated with wild abandon. He came in spurts, hips grinding against his makeshift positively-not-Zhongli-hilichurl-polearm-dildo.

He came and he came, legs twitching, hungry for any amount of relief. He cried out his sexual frustration. "Zhongli…!!!"

A pathetic bout of laughter tickled his lungs as the polearm slipped out his ass, hitting the floor with an audible wet thunk. Thank Tsaritsa the man in question wasn't there to see him like this.

How did Ajax end up fucking himself in a hillichurl hut, you ask?


It had all began with his defeat at the hands of Rex Lapis; Morax, reigning god of geo, builder of Liyue — or otherwise — someone Ajax had formerly known as Wansheng funeral parlor consultant, Mr. Zhongli.

You'd think Zhongli was an idiot by the way he consistently lacked Mora and had the social intelligence of an obtuse frog. So , it was much to Ajax's surprise when it turns out the local funeral parlor consultant you had been having lunch with was the god you were trying to steal from, and the very same mastermind who used you as a pawn to for his own schemes.

..and then he was defeated. Just like that.

11th Fatui Harbinger, Tartaglia; his name feared upon the battlefield — easily destroyed in a one-sided battle. So much for titles. He could have died that day, but Rex Lapis decided not to give him the finishing blow.


Ajax scoffed. Naturally, his pride was wounded. He would have happily died at the hands of the eldest of all archons. Really, it would have been an honor to die in glorious battle against a god. Would have meant to him the world, the significance it had for his final breath to be at the hands of Morax.

Yet, despite the meaning it had to Ajax… Rex Lapis didn't even blink an eye. The battle meant nothing. He had resumed walking about Liyue like an innocent mortal after giving away his gnosis. Talked about jade parcels and glaze lilies happily. Resumed life as usual, greeted him as usual, invited him to lunch as usual. As if Ajax had never tried to steal his gnosis in the first place.

You could say all was well, except… Ajax was now overwhelmingly horny. Constantly. Like never before.

He blamed it on the ridiculous amount of strength Rex Lapis displayed. Zhongli did what he did like he was batting a fly.

That just made Ajax hornier. He couldn't see the funeral parlor consultant the same way anymore. It was a challenge to even hear the mention of the archon without getting a hard on. Let alone sit with him for lunch or go on walks around Liyue. Unless Ajax started donning clothes that hid his unquenchable boner, it became impossible to be in the presence of Zhongli.

So, Ajax avoided him.

"Ah. Sorry, really urgent business today, can't come."

"Would you ask Aether to accompany you instead? He's troubled that he hasn't found his sister yet. You're a god, you can help."

"Oh, not today, Xiao seems angry at me, I don't want to give him an excuse to hate me more. Next time?"

"Would you look at the time… crap, I forgot to hand in my report! So scatterbrained of me, so sorry!"

Ajax easily had dozens of excuses. Each one different than the last. Each one with a speck of truth that made it hard to reject.

"…of course. Till a more appropriate time then." The consultant would reply each and ever time. Like clockwork. It continued this way the following days, a neverending cycle. As the polite man that Zhongli was, he allowed the excuses to hold, never calling him out on it.

Ajax would give him a charming smile, a charming excuse and a charming goodbye. His boner a furious presence that threathened each coincidental meeting, if not for his well-honed, manufactured smile. Zhongli never gave up asking, which made Ajax feel the smallest twinge of guilt, but he figured it was the better of two evils.

He couldn't stop daydreaming about the fight. It was maddening. He'd jack off every night in the corner of his private chambers; dreaming of molten amber eyes, of blood, of spears, of stone. Childe rubbed himself raw until he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to scream Zhongli's name, he wanted to fight, but that was impossible. Even in the privacy of his chambers, the walls had ears. He couldn't bear knowing that his colleagues would report this back all the way to Shneznaya, where his family would catch word of it too.

Consequently, his sexual frustration started drowning him, like he was in a trance. Not once but twice, Ekaterina had to snap him out of it.

It was purely by Paimon's off-handed mention of hilichurls that Ajax found the light at the end of the tunnel. The most valid excuse, the most secluded area. No one would know. Just making the road safer for Liyue, that's all.

It was purely to his additional benefit that the thrill of battle reminded him of Zhongli as he cried out in the hut, butt-fucking himself to a satisfied sigh.

Finally, some Morax-damned relief.


"Lunch? Sure thing. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Hahaha." Yes, this was a good time to test out if he'd gotten it out of his system. Zhongli had invited him once more for lunch, this time at Liuli Pavillion.

Zhongli had visibly brightened at his acceptance, clueless to the way Ajax used him as masturbation material(daily). Good. He could stay clueless. Ajax returned a bright smile back at him, excitement pulsing through his veins. Perhaps they could return to normal starting lunch, now that he'd found an outlet for his horniness.

"I look forward to it." Zhongli hummed.

"As do I." Ajax whistled.

Liuli Pavillion seated them promptly. The consultant was wearing a small, yet steady smile. It was difficult to notice unless you were used to the way Zhongli expressed himself (in which Ajax was). A face made out of marble, Morax's natural resting poker face might as well be the rival to his own.

Ah— fuck. His cock made a small twitch at the thought of rivalry. Ajax pressed it down with the palm of his hand and hummed. "What are we having today?"

Zhongli hummed. "I've requested lotus seed and bird egg soup to be accompanied with mountain delicacies." The ex-archon took his time pouring a hot stream of tea into his own cup, proceeding to politely fill Ajax's cup in succession. As he did so, he continued by way of explanation, "Your attention has been preoccupied as of late by your responsibilities, as I understand. Naturally, it is good to do so, and I respect such qualities. However, I do not wish you to fall ill to your endeavors, thus today's cuisine leans on bolstering your strength. It is my wish that you may stay healthy, Childe."

Haha. Healthy. Well, "How kind of you, Zhongli." The consultant was ever so proper, Ajax mused.

Bright amber eyes glowed, surveying him with alarming intensity. It made Ajax wonder if he said something wrong. The gaze was so penetrating that his cock responded enthusiastically. The harbinger once again squashed his libido with a firm palm. This was around the perfect time for him to make a teasing joke as he usually would, but his brain had fried.

It was the same penetrating gaze Rex Lapis had given him when he had proceeded to stomp on his chest. The top of the polearm's blade caressing his neck. "Surrender. You have lost." Rex Lapis had declared that night, his voice a deep rumble.

"…" Ajax forced himself to hold a pleasant smile. He now had a very clearly, tenting, raging hard on. Actually, he might have cum in his pants a little.

Zhongli's brows furrowed introspectively when no banter followed.

Ajax grimaced inwardly. The mental surround sound of "Surrender." Echoing on repeat. He itched his ears. Oh, it's becoming humid in here. This wasn't going to work.

Just as Zhongli opened his mouth to say something else, Ajax cut him off swiftly. "Yes, about that… I've just remembered, an agent under my employ recently made a mistake and I fear I have to resolve it immediately instead of waiting for it to become a disaster. Excuse me…"

He was so close to having an extremely inappropriate orgasm in the pavillion — Ajax had to escape.


"—I know, I know, it's a terrible shame since we haven't had lunch in a while. Ah, but don't worry, I've got the bill. Relax and enjoy yourself, it's my treat."

The characteristic clinking of Mora came with a heavy thud on the table. Zhongli stared at it before turning to face Ajax again, but the Fatui man had already left, gone like the dust.

Zhongli pursed his lips. The food hadn't even reached the table.


Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was fortunate that Ajax was quick. He ran out of the city in such a mad flurry, he could barely hear the surprised squawks of passerby's. The mad dash for the mountains was fueled purely by his unrestrained, ready to burst libido.

He needed to fight and fuck himself silly, it was maddening. He ran past dozens of hilichurl camps, more than half of them had been destroyed by his hand and lay empty after his masturbations. Damn. Damn. He needed somewhere, something, anything. Slimes and Whopperflowers just didn't do it anymore. He cried out, "I just want to cum!!!"

Then, he stumbled upon a ruin guard who had awoken from his screaming. It's core glowed amber as it shuddered from it's slumber, rising to standing position.

Ajax's breath caught in his lungs. The glow, the amber, the eyes. The battle. Ajax threw his head back and an unbridled laughter escaped from him.

"I guess I can't fuck hilichurl weapons forever… you'll do just perfectly." Water slashed out from underneath his palms, turning into twin blades as the Fatui Harbinger smiled darkly. "Give me a good fight won't you?"


Back at Liuli Pavillion, the food was neatly set down by the waitress. A meal for two. "Ah, where has your favourite Snezhnayan man disappeared off to Mr. Zhongli?" She asked, surprised.

Zhongli gazed at the bag of Mora sitting in front of him instead of Childe. "…it was with urgency that he departed to take care of internal complications… it seems that he has been… occupied as of late. It is unfortunate that I have not been able to find him fortuitiously unengaged by… multifarious matters."

The ex-archon sighed.

"He's busy, you say...?" The waitress hummed. "How strange. I had heard the Fatui had become bored as of late; having little to do."

Zhongli opened his eyes from his solemn introspection at this mention. "Ah, but is it not the work of Childe who takes care to keep those under his employ happy and at ease…?"

The waitress tilted her head in another hum. "Is it? Maybe he is reluctant to ask for a helping hand…" she said, offhandedly. "Would you like us to package sir Childe's portion to go?"

Zhongli considered her perspective. He too had initially thought that as geo archon he had to handle the responsibility alone… Perhaps Childe did need a helping hand.

"…I see. In that case, I am deeply grateful for your insight. Perhaps I shall be more forward in my desire to ease him of his duties. If you please, I apologise, but would it be possible to package my portion as well..?"

The waitress smiled knowingly. "I'm sure sir Childe would be happy to be able to spend more time with you Mr. Zhongli."

The dishes were promptly escorted back into the kitchen as the ex-archon rose from his seat with renewed vigour. He left the pavillion in high spirits, leaving the bag of mora that contained far too much to pay for a simple lunch at the table, untouched.


"Haah…haah…" A trickle of blood trailed down a cut on his cheek. Ajax gave it a perfunctory swipe and resumed bobbing his ass up and down the now broken ruin guard's thumb. "Haah…hahaha…" It was bigger than a hillichurl bat, and the fight was better too. "Zhongli…" Ajax murmured with battle lust.

He repeated ex-archon's name a few times before shuddering, spilling his cum over the broken ruin guard's palm. He twitched and jerked in after-orgasmic bliss. Auburn hair spilled over the front of the harbringer's face as he slumped forward, trying to catch his breath.

His ass felt full, the rugged metal, large and solid inside of him. Ajax would be considered depraved and a pervert if anyone knew what he was doing… but he had long let go of conventional notions to resolve him of his unrelenting boner for the funeral parlor consultant.

He thought of it like he did strength. He'd use whatever he could if it made him stronger. Vision? Delusion? Heretical teachings of the Abyss? All check. Except, it was replaced with hilichurl weapons and ruin guard fingers. Hm.

Desperate times called for desperate measures after all.

Ajax pulled himself up, the ruin guard's thumb escaping him with a wet pop. Ajax held back another shudder as his cock threathened to come to life again. "Stay down, you wild beast." Ajax chuckled at himself (he had started talking to his own cock — a sign of how far his mental state had fallen). Dragging his pants back up, Ajax had begun cleaning the mess on his shirt before he heard a voice in the distance.

"Childe—" It was Zhongli's voice.

A cold chill ran down the Harbinger's spine.

"…Tartaglia?" Zhongli was calling out to him.

Quickly, Ajax used his hydro vision to wash away all evidence of his… debauchery on the ruin guard, and proceeded to slash at it a few more times, just in case it looked vaguely… compromising.

The voice had reached just behind him when it said again in a deep voice. "Tartaglia."

Ajax turned around methodically. He had to act casual. No way Zhongli saw what just occured… right?

"Oh, hello, Mr. Zhongli. Hahaha.. what brings you out here so far out from Liyue? Looking for flowers?"

Ajax fabricated a warm, how-do-you-do smile. He swiped his hand over his hair, hoping to brush away any stray strands. Ajax convinced himself that any messy hair could be easily passed off as battle-worn.

Zhongli gazed at the devastated ruin guard, inspecting something.

…fuck, was that his cum? Ajax kicked the ruin guard parts quickly. It bounced and clattered against the dirt in the distance.

"Hahaha… uhm. Just taking care of the dangers outside Liyue. One less ruin guard to worry about!"

Zhongli continued to eye the distant metal. Ajax grimaced.

"Calling me Tartaglia now? How formal…! You know you don't have to call me by my title…"

He begged to Tsaritsa, Barbatos, anyone(!), that Zhongli would stop looking. Fortunately, after a few more seconds of pause, Zhongli turned to look at him.

The consultant displayed curious expression. "I was… under the impression that Tartaglia was your name. Is it not? You had mentioned when we first met that Childe too was an alias. Then, how should I call you?"

Ajax breathed a sigh of relief. The change of topic was a welcome reprieve.

"Childe is perfectly fine. That is what I did introduce myself as afterall… You've known me as that since day one."

Except for the time when we fought and you called me Tartaglia… Ajax coughed forcefully, hoping to brush away the memories of their battle before his cock perked up to life again.

An introspective look crossed the consultant's face — as it often did — however, there was the furrow in his brow again. A telltale sign of when Zhongli was trying to decide how to say something.

Zhongli hummed. "It is as you've said. I have known you as such for the length of time that we have spent together. It seems that it had not occured to me until this moment that a name is special." Zhongli turned his gazed up into the bright evening sky. Ajax knew that look. It was the look that Zhongli had when he was about to go on lengthy discursion of history(not that he didn't like that, because he did, very much). "I too had many titles…"

Ajax knew, of course. Morax. Rex Lapis. Geo archon. God of war. His cock perked up at the mention.

Ah, fuck.

Ajax closed his eyes and thought about the complex technical aspect of handling chopsticks. It directed the blood flow back into his brain instead of his insistent boner. It worked sufficiently well.

"…but now that I have ended my responsibilities as archon, I find myself intimately attached to the name of Zhongli." the god of war returned his gaze back at the Harbinger. "I mean to learn of yours in the same manner. Will you humor my desires?"

Any kind of reading inbetween the lines blew over Ajax's horny braincells. Clearly, to one Fatui Harbinger, Zhongli was merely a romantic on the topic of human lives. Just another curiousity to check off on his human to-do book. Nothing more than that.

However, it was because he thought this way, Ajax was reluctant to tell Zhongli his real name. Despite understanding the ex-archon's reasoning for hiding his true identity, Ajax still found it hard to forgive. If he was going to give away his gnosis anyway, why couldn't he have given it to him instead La Signora of all people? Hmph. Zhongli knew how much he wanted it. He doubted Zhongli even talked to the 8th Fatui Harbinger as much as he did the 11th. If all the Harbingers were the same in Zhongli's eyes then… why couldn't it be him instead? Hah. Maybe Morax just preferred to see Ajax be the one to get played.

The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He started saying, "If you fight m—" until he realised if they fought, Ajax would most definitely not be able to hide his lust. He'd orgasm so hard Rex Lapis would probably think he was peeing himself. Yeah… that couldn't happen. Ajax coughed. He also couldn't reject the consultant fully either… "Well, I can't give it to you that easily! Let's say this. If you find out through some other means, you can call me by my actual name anytime you want."

Zhongli nodded, "A fair contract. It is good to require effort in endeavors important to the heart. I will gladly relish your name when the time comes."

Uh. Well, Ajax had not meant it quite as a contract. Making it a contract made it feel so… solid? Impossible to excuse himself from? Yeah. Ajax found it made his emotions a jumbled mess. But, it was hard to break it to the god of contracts that it was just a ploy to keep his name hidden away in a small tiny corner of Snezhnaya. It was also similarly difficult to dissuade the god of solid fucking rock to do anything he'd set his mind on doing. Once Rex Lapis had decided on something, it happened as he commanded.

So, "Hahaha…" the Harbinger's laughter trailed off weakly. Zhongli looked so proud and determined in the setting sun, that Ajax didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise. "Good luck with that."

"It is good to have your blessing." The consultant hummed again, pleased. "Ah, I wish not to forget why I originally came to search for your presence."

Ajax perked up at this, "oh, that's right. This is quite a walk away from Liyue. What brings you here?" Ajax needed to know. He'd almost gotten caught screaming Zhongli's name in his lecherous acts with a ruin guard's thumb because of this very reason, afterall.

"I wish to help."

"Come again?"

Zhongli gestured with his hands towards the scrambled metal on the dirt floor. "Yes. With any endeavours that you find yourself occupied in. Responsibilities take much of one's energy, I know best. If you were to find yourself relieved of pressing duties with a helping hand, I will be personally favourable to assist. A fine meal was wasted today, but perhaps not with an extra helping hand."

Like Ajax had long understood, when a god of geo set his intent in stone, argument was out of the question.

Rex Lapis gazed at him with a firm, resolute expression. Warm and unwavering.

Steady. Decided.

That's when Ajax knew…

Ah… shit.


Zhongli hummed a pleasant tune (enough to make the glaze lilies smile) on his scenic walk back to Liyue Harbor. Although Childe had excused himself for the night, Zhongli had succeeded in establishing his assistance for the Fatui Harbinger.

He had looked reluctant, but Zhongli took into mind that Childe was not used to offered assistance. He was pleased to know that he would now be able to look forward to spending more time with Snezhnayan man.

Their lack of contact after Liyue's uproar had been frustrating. Although Zhongli knew he had let the blame fall on Childe, he had thought it was fair (and amusing, if he was honest).

Worst was that Childe had avoided him after they had fought against each other. Sure, the Harbinger was the one to initiate it… yet, the thought had given him much sadness and regret. It cheered him up to know that the Fatui Harbinger was merely busy.

Although… there was something still off about Childe's behaviour today. It worried him. The ruin guard had smelled... unnatural, to put it simply. It was a scent that he knew he had smelled before, but could not quite pinpoint for it's oddity.

It was reasonable to be unable to recall one scent over his 67 century lifespan. It was alright though. Zhongli now had a goal in mind. He could investigate the scent along the way.

Zhongli hummed again as he walked back to Liyue pleased.


Doomed. He was doomed.

Zhongli was going to accompany him… doing… what exactly? Nothing. Ajax was not at all "occupied" as Zhongli had put it — with any kind of important endeavour.

All his excuses were lies. Good, viable lies, mind, but still lies in the end. He didn't have any pressing errands to run. Managing Northland bank was easy enough. Going into the wilds to take care of ruin guards was a completely personal matter. What was his excuse now?

More importantly, how was he going to hide his boner in the presence of Zhongli who was clearly looking forward to spending long lengths of time with him?


Maybe he could push Zhongli unto Ekaterina. Official business and all that. But then Zhongli would blab, and Ekaterina would catch on. "What business?" She'd ask and now Ajax would have to deal with more excuses. Except she was sharp, unlike the funeral parlor consultant, with matters like these… so really…

Doomed. He was doomed.

Ajax screamed into his pillow.

With his free hand, he pulled his cock out of his pants. Worst of all, he was still horny. A sigh escaped his lips.

Rubbing himself silly, Ajax pondered how to deal with the situation.

His boner was impossible to stop, that at least, Ajax was certain of. Hell, it seemed to grow hornier with each time he thought about his fight with Rex Lapis. A dangerous time bomb. Thinking about the difficulties of holding a chopstick could only work once (and that was when he'd just freshly fucked himself off a ruin guard, too).

He sighed again (or rather, moaned). The only way he could think about getting away with his secret was to build himself a cock…shield. Of a sort. Cage, maybe?

Made out of innocuous materials of course. Something he could get his hands on without anyone raising questions. At first, he thought of wood, then he winced imagining the splinters. He was going to have to do with rock, some kind of soft stone. Yeah. Clay? No. It would break too easily in fights.

He sighed (moaned) again.

Solid rock it is then. It had to be sturdy enough to hold in fights. Since the only viable excuse he had to navigate Zhongli was being short on hand and needing 'materials from wild mobs'.

Did he know how to carve stone? No. But other people have done it. Right? He could too. Yeah. Ajax was determined. He could do it. It couldn't be that different from ice fishing. Just dig in.

With a final moan (whispered), Ajax cried and spilled himself all over his hands. The idea of geo surrounding his cock was a new kind of masturbation material Ajax had previously thought impossible to get hard for. Damn. Damn the archon of geo. Why did he have so many names? Why was commanding geo so hot? What next, Mora? Was he going to jack off to Mora? Northland bank was full of Mora.

Ajax sighed again (really sighed). Maybe he needed to visit the local pharmacist. Baizhu's face popped up in his cloud of thought.

"…" Presenting an adeptus his unquenchable cock problem? Next to a child zombie?

Yeah. No. Not happening.

Ajax climbed out of bed and crossed the expanse of his private chambers to slide open his door. "Ekaterina?"

"How can I assist you today?" Popped out a voice from the corner of the hallway. Ajax grimaced as he thought of Zhongli's 'assistance' but brushed the thought away.

"I'll need a handful of minerals, about the size of one's head. It's alright if they're thin. Oh and string, preferably soft, but strong. Fabric will do just as well."

"Whatever for, sir?" Ekaterina had a confused look on her face, it was past midnight afterall. That, and it was an odd request.

"Oh nothing, just wanted to test how well my hydro vision worked on stone, you know. After my defeat." Which wasn't entirely false, Ajax mused.

"I see. And the string?" Hah. Ekaterina bought his excuse.

"Another experiment. Wanted to see how creative I can get."

"Very well. I'll deliver them to your room in a few minutes."

Ajax smiled. "Thanks."

Ahh. Sometimes he wondered how he got so good at lying. La Signora would have a fit.



A polearm speared gracefully into the head of a poor, unexpecting hilichurl. Geo constructs pulsed, obliterating the entire campsite in mere seconds. A rain of stone petrifying all of what would have been enemy reinforcements. The dust on the ground creating clouds that obscured the vision, leaving only a dark figure standing lone as the centerpiece.

"How refreshing." Zhongli murmured, in the delighted soft tone of his. Honestly, it was a large contrast to the remnants of a massacre that lay before them. "It has been a while since I've deigned to exercise these skills. It is good that I still hold some of my power. Initially I was content to live as mortals do, but it has been helpful to be able to retain a portion of my strength."

…only a portion of his strength was this much? Ajax reeled imagining his full power.

He itched to fight him. So did his cock. Thankfully, his makeshift stone cock strap was working, otherwise Ajax would have fled on the spot. His boner throbbed underneath his pants, desperately begging for release. He covered it with a nervous laugh.

"Only a portion? You're incredibly strong as is, Mr. Zhongli. I'd love to see your power first ha—" Ajax bit his lip to stop himself from continuing that sentence.

The former archon rotated. "Are you alright? You've interrupted yourself."

Dirty thoughts bounced around in his head.

"…hm? …oh, what was I saying again? Oh right, I'd like to thank your battle assistance. This excursion will go much faster with your help…"

Zhongli approached him, steady in his gait. "You look tired…" A gloved finger brushed against the harbringer's cheek. "The shadows underneath your eyes have grown dark."

Ajax twitched. Perhaps he should have asked Ekaterina for some makeup as well. His eyebags were on full display. Hydro blades and arrows weren't the most effective tools for carving stone, regretably… It was through sheer determination (and the fact that he had a knack for finding out how to cut pretty much anything…) that Ajax managed to finish his… well, 'defensive equipment' before his appointment with the ex-archon.

The Harbinger said nothing while ruminating a reply. However, Zhongli only continued caressing his cheek, gently and with precision. Heat rose and gathered on where they brushed against his skin.

Damn. Zhongli was making him blush. But his cock was secure, and that's all that matters. "Hahaha… work can do that to a man…"

Ajax thought wistfully to the days when he could just say whatever was on his mind. He was turning into his colleagues, lying and scheming day in and day out. Perhaps he'd get along with them now, having experienced the torturous ministrations of one Mr. Zhongli.

"Yes. It is fortunate that we can lighten that burden together. I have missed spending time together. Why is it that I find it calming to be in your presence…?" Zhongli rambled on.

A nervous chuckle came out of the harbingers mouth. "Well, that's easy. I'm simply a charming man. Hard to resist, and all that." Ajax wanted to kick himself, but this was the way he had always portrayed himself. An adventurous hero. Not… a pining, horny, defeated Fatui employee.

Zhongli chuckled. "I agree. It's a pleasant trait of yours, and I find myself fond of your enjoyable charm. Time passes by easily when I am with you." It was noteable that Zhongli no longer called him Childe or Tartaglia. He just refered to Ajax as 'you'. Ajax wondered if that was an improvement or a downgrade.

Naming aside...

If only Zhongli knew that seeing the ex-archon brandish his polearm and pull put meteors from the sky made Ajax the horniest yet. The ease in which he kicked and threw his polearm. The speed of the towering geo constructs that were established unyieldingly before his enemies. The Harbinger remembered when those exact weapons were wielded against him, how powerless he felt trying to land a single scratch on the geo archon (and how terribly horny it made him).

Ajax had popped a boner during that fight too, of course. Except he was in his Foul Legacy form, and the armor protected his proudly standing erection.

…hm. Actually…

It was decent idea to transform into his delusion, Ajax thought.

Barring the fact that it would be overkill for the poor hilichurls. That, and overusing his foul legacy form would take a toll on his already battered, horny body.

Damn. There goes that solution.

"What other errands are you required to run today?" Zhongli inquired. Oblivious to Ajax's fading mental capacity.

"Uhm… more hilichurls?" Ajax said, dumbly.

Zhongli smiled, finally (finally) taking off the hand on his cheek. "Lead the way."


It continued like that the following week without rest. After demolishing hilichurl camps till near extinction, Ajax had dragged Zhongli to hunt other miscellaneous targets. Treasure hunters, geo vishaps, deviant Fatui agents (sorry), slimes all colours of the rainbow, abyss mages, ruin guards… Zhongli promptly demolished them all.

Now that he was under everyday surveillance… Ajax had no escape. No outlet for his horny energy. Everytime they fought in battle together, he made his insatiable affliction worse. He wondered if there was a cap to his libido — because the cap for his sexual frustration had long been breached.

The harbinger had to make do with handjobs at night, accompanied by a ruin guard finger he may have sneakily, very casually pocketed as a 'souvenir'. Ajax no longer slept at night, busy pounding himself away, and when not fucking himself senseless — busy carving new crotch plates, for he had broken many the passing days.

It was to his advantage that Ajax was used to pressing on. Afterall, if you stopped moving in Shneznaya, you'd quite literally freeze to death. Although, he wasn't immune to the effects of lacking sleep, as his appearance continued to degrade.

According to Ekaterina, he looked as pale as an anemo slime.

Zhongli had worried so much, he forcefully dragged him by the hand towards Baizhu's pharmacy. Baizhu had examined Ajax briefly, only to declare it was overwork (what else could it be?), which Ajax laughed off. Zhongli then proceeded to declare his insistence on taking a rest day, immediately.

He'd said it was most opportune, because the consultant had an appointment he could not miss that day. Someone significant, apparently — because as tired and brain dead Ajax was — it was hard to overlook the rare and glowing delight on the ex-archon's face.

Zhongli was going to be occupied for a whole day!


Ajax could finally let out his pent up lust. It was a week long wait, but it was going to be worth it — for during the time they traveled the mountains of Liyue together, all enemies demolished by Rex Lapis could no longer make Ajax cum. They didn't hold his power and strength. It was a poor comparison, especially side by side.

So, this time, Ajax had set his sights on an opponent that did. Well, as close as he could get, anyway.

A geo hypostasis.

Yeah. That's right.

A boss opponent even a seasoned adventurer would be wary to fight against! Perfectly situated far in the depths of the Guyun Stone Forest, an ocean's breadth away from the usual plains of Liyue. No one would find him, and Zhongli was going to be distracted by his guest.

Gone was his Morax-damned stone underwear. He was going to fight, and then fuck whatever stone was left available.

"I would have blown up from the inside out if I couldn't catch at least a day off." Ajax whistled.

After swimming across to the geo hypostasis' known tracked location, Ajax beamed at seeing his prized target.

Raw elemental geo energy pulsed in waves from the menacing entity. Rock formations circled it's glowing amber core, threathening any that dared approach it. Powerful. Strong. Geo elemental to boot.

"Finally! Finally! Finally!" Ajax howled, unbirdled excitement flowing through his veins. He poised his bow and pulled the string. "Today, I'll feast on victory, and a good, hard-won geo cock."

Hysteric, battle-crazy laughter filled the sky of the Guyun Stone Forest.


Soft groans made work of the now quiet surroundings. No longer did the sounds of pulsing constructs or stones ramming his body unto the floor echoed in the air.

Ajax railed himself against a carved out geo construct. He'd made himself a nice, rugged dildo off of the hypostasis' remains. After many late nights crafting defensive equipment for his cock, his carving skills had improved tenfold. Carving a fat dildo out of stone was no longer an impossible feat.

Rocks lay scattered about everywhere. Ajax was alone on the circular stone platform where the geo hypostasis used to reign. It was, of course, an added benefit that it was Rex Lapis whom erected the Guyun Stone Forest (convenient, considering his current geo god obsession).

His pants had been thrown to the side, splaying carelessly unattended. The groans increased in frequency. Ajax concentrated on bouncing against the hard length of the hypostasis. It felt so good.

He was breathless, but relieved.

Fresh, red, angry bruises littered his skin. Cuts and scrapes of all sizes accompanied them. It had been an excellent fight. Ajax could envision the prowess of the ex-archon all over again. The harbinger had nearly died at one point, forcing himself to use his Foul Legacy form to survive a particularly large rock that slammed him against the columns of said platform.

He was exhausted. But that didn't stop the Harbinger from lifting his ass, and slamming down again on repeat. "Zhongli…" he cried, cumming for the third time that afternoon.

The birds of the Guyun Stone Forest had probably memorised the funeral parlor consultant's name by now. Ajax had yelled, screamed, croaked, whispered, moaned, cursed, groaned, gasped, whimpered the name several dozens of times.

"Zhongli…!!" He howled feverishly, preparing himself for overstimulation as he readied himself to cum a fourth time.

Then, just as his insides jerked and twitched in tandem with his overused cock…

A (dangerously) deep, stern voice that resounded with unquestionable authority — caused the harbinger's blood to run colder than the icy peaks of Snezhnaya.


His eyes snapped open to witness the dark shadow that cascaded over him. A looming figure in terribly close proximity stood stern. The silhouette was... unmistakeable.

Zhongli had caught him in the act. He had also called Ajax by his real name.


His heart thundered.

Legs wide open, exposed to the lone sky, the birds and Rex Lapis. Butt naked.

The ground shuddered with fervent energy, causing his makeshift geo hypostasis dildo to snap clean off it's foundation on the stone floor. Ajax fell backwards, his position becoming a debauched display. An exhibition of one helplessly horny mortal. Hard cock, leaking, cum, white spillage dripping across his thighs and his still worn upper clothes. His ass was visible at a precarious angle now; the ring of muscles jerking and twitching around the stone dildo that was still inside of him.

Curse his cock that decided to betray his growing horror (instead of wilting, it sprang to life once more) — spurting driblets of semen into the air (some of which decided to land on Zhongli's clean pants).








Zhongli's gaze focused on the cum on his pants.

Ajax wanted to die.

Oblivious to the red-head's growing humiliation, Zhongli regarded the scene in silence. His amber eyes trail blazed from the site of the offending cum on his pants, up the harbinger's unclothed, splayed out legs, to the stone dildo rammed up his ass, to his rumpled shirt, then landing finally on his face.

Their eyes met. Zhongli's expression was intense. Heart hammering in his chest, Ajax couldn't bear it. He looked away.



Speechlessness continued for what what Ajax felt was eternity. He had to break the silence.

"Ahh— I uh. Hah. Hahaha… huh. I had expected you to be preoccupied… I wonder how you found me… This certainly isn't my best moment…"

"Ajax." Zhongli's voice sounded tight. "Explain."

"What's there to explain?" There's no use hiding it now, so Ajax simply declared, "I'm fucking the geo hypostasis."

"You called my name." Zhongli seemed to be struggling, for his voice sounded like it had met gravel. "…while you…" he gestured helplessly at the scene before him.

Ajax wanted to close his eyes and sink into the ground. He hoped the shame was enough to kill him.

"Zhongli. I've been using you as masturbation material. Oh, don't be like that. Surely this isn't the first time a mortal has jacked off to a god?" Ajax teased in a force of habit (even though he was dying of embarassment).

Stern eyebrows furrowed, the ex-archon's expression unsettled. He was frowning, as he bent over to a crouch in front of the Fatui harbinger. "Well, certainly, I had not predicted this."

"What, you think you could predict me like you did Liyue?" Ajax laughed darkly, grinding his hips against Zhongli's leg.

Despite all his embarassment, his horniness was adamant to stay. Ajax grunted at the pressure and warmth of Zhongli's body, relishing the contact.

He wondered how much debauchery was enough to drive Rex Lapis mad.

Yet, instead of a polearm through his heart, all he felt was one phat rugged stone dildo being roughly yanked out his ass.

"A—aaH! Wh— why did you pull that out?!" Ajax wailed, coming at the sudden, unexpected stimulation. Driblets flew and landed on the ex-archon's cheek.

"No… you have always exceeded my expectations." Zhongli replied calmly, ignoring his jab. "I just wish you had told me… we could have resolved this together. Was this not what you were doing with the ruin guard earlier — when I first stumbled upon your…'errands'? I had thought my eyes had deceived me… but it seems I was not wrong."

"…would it be terrible if I mentioned you have my cum on your face…? You're not going to drag me to Baizhu's again, are you? Haha… this isn't something he can fix."

Zhongli ignored him. Instead — he wiped the cum that had landed on his cheek calmly. Just as calmly, he squished the cum inbetween his two fingers and rubbed them together, observing it's consistency. It made a small squelch. It was lewd, seeing the god of geo mess with his semen, Ajax thought.

Intense amber eyes latched unto the carved out dildo. "Is this meant to act as my proxy…?"


Zhongli laid the hypostasis dildo down beside him, gently. "The semen that coats you is copious in quantity… thin in viscosity… surely you've reached a pleasant orgasm?"

"No, I'm still horny, actually."

"…I see—"

"—I may have fucked hilichu—" Ajax gasped, unable to complete his sentence, instead crying out as gloved fingers breached his swollen entrance. They dug deeply with conviction. He whimpered. "–what—"

"—I may be of assistance still, it seems—"

"—you don't have to do that, really, aH—!!"

Zhongli's fingers moved delicately, but with power. They pushed inside until they found his prostrate, to which the fingers promptly bent and twisted just to light a fire in his gut.

His carefully guided ministrations coaxed a breathless cry from the harbinger, leaving him devastated and his cock alive. It was warm — Zhongli's fingers that is — unlike the inanimate dildo's he'd been using prior. The funeral parlor consultant worked his ass into pudding.

The ex-archon's free hand that previously held on to the inner side of his tight moved upwards. His gloved fingers caught unto Ajax's weeping cock. Zhongli squeezed and thumbed his tip. Ajax saw white.

"Zhongli…!" He whimpered, in tears. Then, said consultant hovered above him, lips kissing his tears away. Ajax couldn't believe this was happening to him. The god of geo's definition of 'assistance' was far too much for Ajax who was a bumbling mess.

Zhongli inspected his handiwork. "Ajax… Are you unsatisfied still…?" He said curiously, a small heat lacing his words. His cock was still hard.

"Ahaha... would you hate me if I said I'm still horny?" Ajax said in a hoarse whisper.

"…no. Come. Stand up with me." Zhongli said. And… was it just a figment of his insatiable delusions… or did Ajax spy Zhongli sporting a tent in his pants? "I suppose, being insatiable would be characteristic of you." It was almost a chuckle.

"I can't stand." Ajax admitted.

Zhongli laced his fingers across the harbingers upper arm, towing Ajax to a standing position. The harbingers feet wobbled, but Zhongli caught him by the small of his back. Ajax pressed his chin on the ex-archon's shoulder.

Zhongli was warmer than he thought he would be. Rex Lapis, on the other hand, had felt cold and merciless.

The ground rumbled beside him. The sound of stone cracking reverbrated for a moment, before a sturdy dark geo pillar erected itself before them.

"Lean on this." Zhongli commanded, letting Ajax fall backwards, his spine touching the pillar that was firm and pulsing. Was it pulsing warmth? He couldn't be sure.

"What are you doing?"

Zhongli curled his arms underneath the harbinger's bare thighs. He lifted them up and pushed forward, so that Ajax found himself bent against the pillar, legs off the ground. His feet dangled beside the ex-archon's waist. His warm arousal ground against Ajax's asscheeks. Only the dark fabric of Zhongli's pants seperated them.

The funeral parlor consultant looked at him questioningly. "Isn't this what you wanted, Ajax?"

"Haha…it is, but, why are you doing this?"

Zhongli looked even more confused. They stayed locked in this position while Zhongli reflected.


As much as Ajax was horny and would love nothing more than to get fucked into oblivion by a willing Rex Lapis — it just didn't make sense to him that Zhongli would fuck him like that, zero questions asked.

Ajax's laugh reached a higher pitch. "I mean, really. Do you just fuck any mortal that's horny for you?"

Zhongli who was tense, slowly relaxed. He sighed. He sighed a second time, then chuckled.

"What—" Was Zhongli making fun of him? His cock twitched. Damnit.

Zhongli laughed louder. Ajax was stunned. Zhongli rarely laughed, let alone laugh loudly. His laughter was the quiet, elegant, polite type. This one sounded like he thought Ajax had just cracked a joke.

"…hey." The harbinger glowered darkly, "Now you're really asking for a fight." Water swirled, interlacing bright blue hues around his fingers. Sharp blades had only begun to form when Zhongli stopped laughing and slammed him against the pillar.

Ajax gasped. His hands were suddenly pinned above his head, water blades dissipating. Geo shackles formed and locked his arms above him. Ajax stared at them, bewildered.

"I had wondered." Zhongli said, teasing the fabric on Ajax's waist where it exposed his belly. His hand trailed downwards, feeling up the length of Ajax's standing erection. "There was a scent — that day — with the ruin guard. I couldn't quite put my hands on it, then. Now I know—" Zhongli put his nose against his cock, and Ajax blushed. "—it was the scent of mating."

"That—" Ajax flustered.

Zhongli closed his eyes. "Of course, but you weren't mating with just anyone… It seems you'd been copulating alone…"

"You're certainly drawing out this whole making fun of me bit… Is slow torture your thing?" Ajax growled.

Zhongli smiled, but it was a different kind of smile than Ajax was used to. There was a small tilt at the end that made Zhongli look just a little bit unhinged, as if he was holding back a laugh.

"You know I formed the Guyun Stone Forest. Did you think I wouldn't find you here?"

"…you were busy." Zhongli could sense Ajax was here. ? Huh. "...Fatui intelligence didn't tell me you could sense people's presence with your rocks…" It wasn't a lie to say this small tidbit of information shocked him.

"The Fatui know little. Perhaps it would be news to you for me to say — I was also the one who led you to the sigil of permission. The one you've replicated to call out Osial." Zhongli burrowed his face into Ajax's neck. "...Do you know why I had an appointment today?"

Ajax closed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows. Fuck. Why was this so hot? Was Ajax just a toy in the palm of Rex Lapis' hands all along? The news was sobering enough to bring him back to his faculties.

"…now that you mention it..."

Zhongli hummed, his finger tracing the contours of the harbingers cock. "A little favor from the Tsaritsa, for your name." He talked as if her majesty, the Tsaritsa was someone you could just pry random favors from. "As promised, Ajax. I can call you however I wish."

The harbinger huffed.

Zhongli continued talking slowly as he slowly peeled away the buttons on Ajax's shirt.

"It seems my courtship has been too modest. It is Liyue custom to do so subtly, but perhaps a more direct approach would be better suited for you."

Ajax tried to process this. "Excuse me?"

"Does the fact that I speared my enemies here underneath the Guyun Stone forest arouse you?"

"…yeah." Fuck. Why was he answering this?

Zhongli seemed to smile again. "You were aroused when we fought against each other as well — yet said nothing. Neither did I mention that I had noticed... Why are you so honest now that I've caught you?"

Wait. "…you knew?"

Zhongli paused, before saying carefully, "…I had my suspicions."

Hah. Ajax's pride did a flip, his chest clenched. He had been toyed with again. What was all that effort for if Zhongli had suspected this all along? Ajax clamoured against the geo shackles pining his arms above him. They didn't budge. A muscle underneath his eye twitched.

"…Ajax." His tone was chiding.

The harbinger couldn't help the manic hysteria in his voice. "Ah… Zhongli, it's not once but twice now that you've played me like this. Surely only a fight could work as reconciliation. Let me go so we can battle it out, hm?"

Zhongli bit him on the neck. Ajax gasped. "You'll have your fight. On one condition. You'll answer truthfully to a question I propose."

"Sounds easy enough." Ajax rattled against the shackles on his wrists, impatient.

"Hmm," Zhongli surveyed him, "You're certain you want to fight immediately? Are your legs alright?"

"They'll recover when I want them to. Come on, Rex Lapis. Fight me."

Zhongli eyed Ajax's cock. "I see."

Ajax made a guttural noise at the shameless eyeballing. Before he could voice another complaint, Zhongli set his legs down on the ground with a gentleness unbefitting a fight. The shackles cracked and came loose immediately after. Pillar sinking back into the ground.

The harbinger toppled at the sudden loss of back support, but managed to stand, albeit disheveled. His shirt had come undone and he was still pantless below.

Zhongli rested his arms in front of his chest, one hand in front of his face, covering his mouth. It was an observational position. His gaze was unwavering on Ajax, unblinking. He stood casually — waiting patiently.

With a small scowl, he picked up his thrown away pants, slipping into them. Ajax equipped his bow, then crossed his arms, mirroring the ex-archon. In truth, his legs still felt like jelly.

"Whenever you're ready."

Zhongli hummed. He moved the hand that had been covering his face, making a small go-ahead gesture.

Ajax pulled on his bowstrings, channeling his arrow with hydro energy. Zhongli remained unbudged.

It was fitting that what started from their fight should end with one too.

His boner agreed heartily.