Anon, I want to know under which rock you have been living because for the past kriffing week my life was like this. All day. Every day.
And of course I put my useless journalism masters to use to form a coherent reply and make sense of every meme. You’re welcome. Somebody wake me when Luke Skywalker calls me to write his biography.
Okay, okay, I have been following The Bullshit That Has Been The Holonet for the past days and here is why I, personally, believe Luke Skywalker is the new Emperor. I also spent way too much time writing this long ass rant for anybody to argue against me so let’s take it from the top:
- The Death Star 2.0
- Guess Palpatine and Vader are fucking dead
- So what is the Empire’s lines of succession anyway
- Introducing Luke Skywalker
- Anakin Skywalker: Secret Identity or Secret Lover
- The Jedi Emperor
- My fucking conclusion because y’all need a TLDR
F to anyone who feels like this:
I hope my essay will clear it up. Yes, I have written research papers with less effort, but also with less memes so who is the real winner here, huh. ALRIGHT BEFORE WE START FOR REAL THO: I AM NOT OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED BY ANYONE. I’m not a journalist on empire payroll or a Rebel cell. I’m just one broke blogger trying to make it through another day. So for everyone who finds themselves in the next picture, I’m your kinda person.
Let’s do this.
1. The Death star 2.0
So about 4 years ago the Emperor decided to tell us “I have built a planet killer” by fucking blowing up Alderaan. You know. A Whole Planet. If your school still teaches you that didn’t happen and/or was justified, freaking Force. In any case, the Empire had been building a damn planet killer the entire time. And then the Rebels blew it up. Any rational person would have said “okay yeah, let’s not do that again, but a rational person also wouldn’t have built a fucking planer killer. So, somehow, the Emperor built a second Death Star.
This new and improved model could do the exact same thing but apparently they had fixed whatever had enabled the Famous Death Star Pilot to blow it up. This tracks I guess. Anyway. They hadn’t finished building the thing yet, but it was already functional.
The Emperor and Vader go for a visit??? Because this is the version of evil overlord sight seeing I guess. ANYWAY. They are there and somehow the Rebels catch wind of this plot and because they have a moral backbone that’s not “blowing up planets is something we can, must and should do”.
So the Rebels attack and during their attack Luke Skywalker, the pilot who destroyed Death Star #1, was brought onto the ship the Emperor and Vader were on.
HE WAS BROUGHT THERE.
I know there are rumors that he sneaked or teleported on board bc who tf even knows what the Jedi can do, but N O. HE WAS HANDCUFFED AND BROUGH ON BOARD.
Given that the ship fucking blew up, nobody knows what actually happened, but we are all aware of the end result: Palpatine and Vader are dead at the hands of Luke Skywalker (maybe. Skywalker himself has apparently not actually stated that he killed either but nobody is saying differently and honestly it’s 1 am. Skywalker was involved in the Emperor’s death. I’m no Jedi, I can’t see the future lol.)
2. Guess Palpatine and Vader are fucking dead
I was one of the lucky ones. I learned the Emperor was dead through the celebrations thrown around town. Some people, however, were asleep and do what regular people do when they wake up in the morning: check the holonet for memes that stop you from ending it all. Do you know how they learned about the Emperor’s death.
Do you know.
I do because my friend texted me.
So anyway. Palpatine and Vader have since been confirmed dead. The upper echelon have been trying to keep it under wraps but Rebel intelligence has been doing its job. They have just absolutely bombarded the holonet with messages that he is dead. Rebel cells are celebrating openly everywhere. So yes!!! Palpatine and Vader are dead and gone and will not return!
No matter what anyone else might try to tell you, they are dead. Don’t let them scare you into following the orders of a puppet Palpatine.
Unfortunately, even as much as we want to tear this whole system down, it’s not that easy. Already there are Admirals breaking away and going off on their own etc. So, really, the evil is not defeated, entirely. Which brings us to our next issue: who is in charge???
3. So what is the Empire’s line of succession anyway
OKAY SO WE ARE GETTING CLOSER TO THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THIS ESSAY I PROMISE: What even if the Empire’s line of succession because I don’t think anyone actually knows. Have you talked about this in school? Probably not.
- There is no actual line of succession. None. I mean, everyone just kind of assumed Vader would take over once Palpatine kicks the bucket because idk it’s Darth Vader???
- Mas Amedda is a valid canditate for you Coruscant folks I suppose but also??? You think he can go up against Darth Vader??? I think the fuck not
Conclusion 1: Darth Vader was next in line for the throne based on sheer badassery and whatever weird choking powers he had going on. Listen, anybody who has seen a video of that man knows that he is not a freaking normal sentient. Can you imagine Mas Amedda trying to fight him?
Like. Can you fucking imagine anybody fighting him. One man army. TANK. Which is what we’re gonna get back to in point 5. but for now our takeaway if that UNDER (BASICALLY) REGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES Darth Vader would have become Emperor. No idea what that would have looked like. Guy kriffing hated Coruscant. Any planet actually I’m pretty sure. Idk what he was doing chilling on Mustafar but it must have vibed with him.
Anyway, I’m drifiting off-topic. Back to what we actually have to deal with.
QUESTION TIME: who inherits the Empire under normal normal circumstances? I mean like. If there hadn’t been a leather clad killing machine.
- Idk it sure as fuck isn’t in our constitution??? Not sure if Palpatine ever thought he could actually die???? Which, I mean. go off I guess but everyone is mortal at least once in their life
- so let’s just assume we’re gonna go with blood inheritance.
- Palpatine has no known family members and we all THOUGHT Vader had none except no. Nope. Luke Skywalker showed up.
I hope you all have been following me until here because now is when it’s gonna get wild. And by wild I mean “I can excuse the asthmatic commander of all imperial forces but I’m drawing the line at twinks”
I just finished my second glass of Corellian Whiskey let’s do it.
4. Introducing Luke Skywalker
That is pretty much how most of you have learned about Luke Skywalker when you take away his known bounty posters. The information flying round the Holonet about him is wild. I will try to summarize it
- First appearance: Death Star #1 accompanied by GAR GENERAL OBI-WAN KENOBI
Listen. I said I would condense it. Not that it wouldn’t be absolutely insane. So what is up with that? Luke Skywalker first showed up on the Death star together with Obi-Wan Kenobi and General Han Solo to save Princess Leia Organa.
- Who is Obi-Wan Kenobi?
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW OBI-WAN KENOBI??? I mean, yeah, a Jedi and we all know what the Empire thought of the Jedi but do NONE of you remember the war posters featuring him and Anakin Skywalker????? (Yes, we’ll talk about Anakin Skywalker as well.) Anyway. Obi-Wan Kenobi was a super strong General during the Clone Wars and, famously, Anakin’s Skywalker’s teacher AND Darth Vader’s greatest obsession. If you’re younger, you probs don’t remember it, but the first decade of the Empire was like. 90% Vader chasing down Jedi and, infamously, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Vader finally killed Kenobi on the first death star EXCEPT THERE WAS NO BODY.
MAN JUST. TURNED INTO DUST????
I didn’t know people could do that without a lot of fire involved. It’s just. What the heck. This is too much bullshit and it’s only going to get worse. I hate it here. Why did I decide to write this essay. Nobody is going to read this in full.
*insert me sighing*
Right, time to continue.
So, the currently most famous theory is that Obi-Wan Kenobi raised Luke Skywalker. It would fit. Instead of fighting the Empire, the man disappears for 19 years only to resurface with the child of his former apprentice. It just makes sense. I will die on the Kenobi Raised Skywalker 2.0 theory hill and you will all too.
So. Where exactly DID Kenobi raise baby Skywalker?
If you’re a smart cookie, you have seen the bullshit currently circulating in the Outer Rim meme servers. If you haven’t, let me show you my two favorites:
Well, some time ago, Jabba the Hutt was killed by Luke Skywalker! (Or Leia Organa. There are conflicting reports. But I’m not getting into that here.)
POINT IS: Luke Skywalker was raised on Tatooine.
Idk what drove Kenobi to raise a child on a planet in Hutt space but kudos to him for pulling it off successfully.
Anyway, we ended up with a kid capable of escaping Darth Vader hot on his heels with the princess. And he ended up being able to flip the kill switch on the death star. From what I’ve heard of Tatooine, it’s a hellplanet so idk it makes sense that Luke Skywalker Is The Way He Is.
- The intermediate: The Death Star Pilot
Yeeeaah, we all remember that, don’t we?
Bounty hunters everywhere suddenly deciding to stop hunting down others or each other and everyone just focused on Luke Skywalker, who at that point was still the unnamed death star pilot. His bounty was already high and, of course, accompanied by a dead or alive, as long as you had proof that it was really him.
But we all remember when that changed, don’t we?
Suddenly his bounty tripled like overnight and you know what else happened? WE GOT A NAME.
Sure, the Rebels always make sure to hide their intelligence but the lengths they went to hide his identity is suspicious. It only makes sense if they knew that it would greatly upset Vader. And the Emperor. But fuck palpatine. This essay is focusing on Vader. Somebody else can write a dissertation about why they think Palpatine would care about Luke Skywalker, it won’t be me.
So, boom. Identity revealed. And during that time everything is just,,, wild. Because SUDDENLY it’s no longer dead-or-alive, it’s alive-and-unharmed and if-he-is-harmed-you-are-dead.
Yeah, we all remember what happened to Grakkus the Hutt, don’t we?
(I’m just saying “remember” so often bc I have reached the point where I’m not quite sure I didn’t just hallucinate everything. This has very much been a “this might as well happen” kind of research ngl.
It wouldn’t be that surprising, honestly, if it turned out I dreamed all of this.)
But why exactly is Luke Skywalker’s name, especially his first name, so important?
Two words: Anakin Skywalkers
Yes, that’s just another name, but it’s important. Because Anakin Skywalker is Luke Skywalker’s father.
And now we have reached the point of uncanny valley crazy, but, ya know. More on Anakin later. He gets a whole chapter. I hope his pretty face that once was and maybe always stayed so appreciates it.
- A summary of Luke Skywalker
So what do we know about Luke Skywalker’s in general?
- Genius pilot
- Trained by Obi-Wan Kenobi
- Raised on Tatooine
- Rebel Commander
- Jedi (more on that later if you don’t know what a Jedi is.)
5. Anakin Skywalker: Secret Identity or Secret Lover
I told you this is when things get strange and weird and also stop sounding even semi-realistic. Somehow this is still the most realistic take on all of this.
So. Anakin Skywalker.
If you know Kenobi, you know Skywalker. It was a whole thing during the clone wars. Skywalker-and-Kenobi, the Republic’s darlings.
Now, we all know Kenobi disappeared, and Anakin Skywalker,,, kind of did too. He was never marked down as dead, or anything, but he wasn’t on the wanted list either. There are two popular theories for why. You will hate both.
- Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader
There are reasons to assume this. I think. Honestly, I actually haven’t seen too much evidence on it. It was well known that A. Skywalker and Palpatine were close, Palpatine having been a mentor to the him growing up. And we all know what Vader was capable off and if you look at old holos of Skywalker – all I’m saying is that both were terrifying.
If this is the case, then Kenobi probably stole Luke from Vader/Anakin and that was why Anakin/Vader were so obsessed with finding him once he knew his identity. Would also explain what the heck is up with Skywalker’s disappearance if he just became Vader. Maybe this is also some revenge thing. For the inheritance plot, this would be the easiest route to take.
hoWEVER: this doesn’t explain why they didn’t just say “LOST IMPERIAL HEIR. MILLION CREDITS FOR WHOEVER BRINGS BACK A BLUE EYES BLOND BABY”
This theory is also connected to the Amidala-Skywalker theory that was floating and is briefly referenced in the Cryptic Luke Skywalker Memes meme. Amidala and Skywalker were, famously, good friends. Jedi, as Skywalker was one, were not supposed to marry or have romantic relationships (or something? I don’t quite know either but it would be a shame bc Luke Skywalker is a SNACK).
The thing is, in the last months of the Republic, it became clear that Amidala was pregnant. However, she never did say what the name of the child would be NOR who the father was. So, of course people decided to look at Skywalker but nothing was ever confirmed here.
The other thing that speaks against this is the fact that Amidala was still clearly pregnant during her funeral.
If this was faked though, it might be able to explain why Vader/Anakin never searched for his child. He thought it had died with its mother.
This is theory number 1. Ready for 2? (You’re not. Yet I still think it’s more plausible.)
- Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader were lovers
- STOP STOP STOP
- DON’T LEAVE
- YES I KNOW HOW THIS SOUNDS BUT GIVE ME A CHANCE
As mentioned before, Vader just sort of appeared and Anakin disappeared. Now, since Anakin’s status was never really spoken about, it is plausible that Vader kept him imprisoned, hoped that his Jedi lover would follow him. Obviously, as a Jedi Anakin couldn’t support the Empire. Their child he might have entrusted to his Master and Anakin might have told him to hide Luke where Darth Vader would never search: Anakin’s own homeworld – Tatooine.
It would explain why Luke Skywalker still chooses to go by Skywalker – it’s the last name of the father he feels closer too. He was clearly showing Vader that he wasn’t going to play along with his bullshit. This too explains why Vader searched so relentlessly for Kenobi. Maybe he witnessed Anakin giving his Master his child and thought something happened to him – maybe Anakin lied to him and said the child is dead. There are a lot of explanations here. I certainly think it makes more sense to assume that Anakin Skywalker had a lover hidden away than the idea that they faked Amidala’s whole pregnancy in death??? She was the Queena and Senator of Naboo. You wouldn’t have been able to fuck around with her FUNERAL. But maybe that’s just a gut feeling.
There is also the fact that Vader and Luke met on Bespin. According to some, Vader revealed something about Luke’s parentage to him there? Perhaps Luke was raised only knowing of Anakin, but never of Vader. It would certainly be kinder from Kenobi’s side. There is also the chance that he revealed Anakin’s death to Luke. In any case, it makes mor sense than what people call the “disinheritance hypothesis”.
It’s dumb, so I will not call it a third theory. I will just mention it briefly:
Basically, Vader never talked about Luke because Luke always knew he wanted to be a Jedi. Freaking stupid if you ask me, but eh. Some people believe in it, so here we go, take this meme:
6. The Jedi Emperor
Now, let’s get back to what all of this leads to: Luke Skywalker is the child of Darth Vader and therefore, an eligible heir for the galactic throne. But, as I have said before, he is also a Jedi. So what does that mean?
Mostly, that things will improve if he does take the crown. Why? Because Jedi are sworn to uphold the Republic. They server what they call the “light” side of the Force. Basically they aren’t dicks like Vader which is why the Emperor had them all killed.
I fell like they’d be very happy to know that the Jedi still survived and that one of their own took down Sidious.
Of course, some people aren’t so happy about it. I can understand it. To a degree. Like, y’all really think we can just re-install the Republic like an old software? Nah, it already had problems. The Rebels talk about it like it’s all perfect, but it wasn’t. We have to make something better out of it and I, for one, believe that Luke Skywalker is well suited for it.
So, just, wait for a hot sec, don’t buy into Old Empire propaganda and let the Alliance do its thing, okay?
7. My fucking conclusion because y’all need a TLDR
That’s it. That’s my fucking conclusion. I just wrote a whole ass essay, this isn’t school. Read it again if you don’t understand it.
So what is the Skywalker-Empire theory about?
Essentially, this theory states that since the Empire has no clear line of succession, Luke Skywalker, the child of Darth Vader, is next in line for the throne and, technically speaking, already the Emperor since the first Emperor never got crowned either.
You’re kriffing welcome.
Edit: This was written before the Twins Reveal. What the fuck. Who was supposed to have seen that coming.