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Don't Leave Me

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It’s a Tuesday evening, dull and boring. Wei Wuxian falls back on his back on the bed with a sigh. He lifts his phone above his face and stares at the text messages he just shared with Lan Zhan. 

 

Wei Ying

7:34 PM

lan Zhan! 

i know we didn’t plan it 

but do you wanna meet up for a quick dinner?

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

7:36 PM

Sorry, I am busy.

 

Wei Ying

7:36 PM

oh… it’s okay! 

we’ll do it tomorrow then! 

love you! 💖

 

It has been 10 minutes since the text was sent and there is still no reply. Well, it’s not like Lan Zhan has ever been an active texter, but still it would be nice to get a ‘ Love you too’ back once in a while. Especially when Wei Wuxian felt this needy. He pouts, dropping his phone on his chest and sighs again. Lan Zhan has never refused to spend time with him before. Even if he messaged late, close to his bedtime, Lan Zhan almost always agreed, if only to cuddle together to sleep.

 

Now that he thinks about it, he hardly met Lan Zhan for the past two weeks. The last they met was 2 days ago for lunch, which had lasted for just an hour or so. Wei Wuxian feels something tighten in his chest for a brief second before he chases it away. Lan Zhan is just busy, nothing else. He has a lot of workload as the main composer of Lan Music Company. He is just busy… nothing else.

 


 

They were unable to meet even the next day or the day after that, Lan Zhan still being busy with work hardly has any time to even have food. He hardly even got time to message, giving short replies or answering too late. Wei Wuxian was getting irritated and also a bit anxious. Was it so hard for Lan Zhan to make time for him, just for a single meal? He wasn’t even asking for that much was he? Or is it that Lan Zhan doesn’t want to go on dates with him anymore? He wants to ask Lan Zhan what’s wrong, but he is too scared that his answers will only make his fears come true. 

 

Finally, on Friday they meet for lunch. Wei Wuxian had finished teaching art to his kindergartners for today and was free for the rest of the day. He would rather spend his whole day with Lan Zhan, even the night, but the other was free only for lunch. 

 

“Lan Zhan! You know something amazing happened today!” Wei Wuxian starts, trying to fill in the silence that had settled between the two. It was a comfortable silence but he always likes talking about his day to Lan Zhan, “The principal said I could take the kids out to the nearby forest park for my class the next week! Isn’t that amazing?!”

 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan hums, giving Wei Wuxian a light smile before going back to his eating. He looks distracted, like something is on his mind, and Wei Wuxian feels disappointed. Lan Zhan’s lack of or rather minimal responses never bothered him much, because he knew that the other was always listening to him. He could see that Lan Zhan always had his full attention on him when he spoke, listening to his every word. But today… he just seemed out of it? 

 

“So, how was your morning?” Wei Wuxian asks, trying to get him to talk a little. He would miss his voice after lunch and this feels like the only chance he will have for a while to hear the smooth voice he loves so much. 

 

“Okay...” Lan Zhan replies after he finishes chewing. Then he takes another bite and Wei Wuxian knows he isn’t going to elaborate further. Wei Wuxian sighs inaudibly going back to his own lunch. He continues talking for the rest of the time, but is met only with hums and one word replies. 

 

“Lan Zhan! Where are you lost today?” Wei Wuxian finally asks, at the end of his patience. 

 

Lan Zhan looks a little guilty as he looks at Wei Wuxian, “Sorry, just a lot of work to deal with.”

 

Lie. 

 

If there is one thing Lan Zhan can’t do, it’s lying. Especially to Wei Wuxian. But he doesn’t question Lan Zhan. He just accepts the reply, too scared to know that he is right. Too scared to know the truth. 

 

“Okay,” He shrugs as they go back to finishing their desert. Once done with the food, Wei Wuxian pays for the food (much to the displeasure of Lan Zhan) and they walk out of the restaurant in the mid afternoon air. It's cool and wet due to the rain that had just stopped a while ago. Too soon, they are standing in front of Lan Zhan’s car. 

 

“I've got to get back to work,” Lan Zhan says, as he looks at his watch. It’s only a little past 1:30 PM.

 

“Oh.” Wei Wuxian tries not to sound too disappointed. He hates this, the parting. He hates going back to his apartment, having nothing to do but miss Lan Zhan or paint and miss Lan Zhan or do anything and miss Lan Zhan. Before he can say something more, Lan Zhan’s phone starts ringing. It’s a number Wei Wuxian doesn’t recognise. 

 

Lan Zhan looks at him apologetically, “I have to take this,” he says, “I’ll see you soon.” And with a chaste kiss on Wei Wuxian’s forehead, he walks to the driver’s side and gets in the car. He gives Wei Wuxian a small smile before driving away, leaving Wei Wuxian back stunned for many reasons. 

 

First, Lan Wangji never picks up a call from a number he has not saved or a number he doesn’t recognise. Wei Wuxian can recognise every non saved number that calls Lan Zhan and this was not one of them. So why… Why would Lan Zhan pick up? Why was the number not saved?

 

Second, he has never left in such a hurry. He always offers to drive Wei Wuxian back to his apartment. Or if he can’t do that, he always makes sure Wei Wuxian has caught a taxi, before he himself leaves.

 

Third, he always bids farewell with long deep kisses on the lips, that leaves Wei Wuxian breathless. It's his way of saying love you, see you soon. It’s never a chaste forehead kiss like the one he just received.

 

Wei Wuxian stands at the same place, too surprised by the events that had just transpired. He just couldn’t bring himself to wrap his head around Lan Zhan’s behaviour. He has never acted this way with Wei Wuxian, like he wants to be somewhere Wei Wuxian is not present. Like he wants to avoid Wei Wuxian. 

 

Except for when they were teenagers. 

 

Something akin to fear grips Wei Wuxian’s heart and he tries not to panic. Lan Zhan has only ever avoided Wei Wuxian when they were in high school, a period in which Wei Wuxian is sure, Lan Zhan hated him.

 


 

At 17, Wei Wuxian was a rather wild and arrogant kid. He liked causing trouble and mischief. Anything that would keep him from being bored would do, to be honest.  And he was bored of pranking his uptight professors and fooling around with his friends. He needed new entertainment.

 

Just as he was trying to come up with new fun things to do, his eyes fell on the student sitting on the desk besides him. He was Lan Wangji, the smartest, most obedient and the star kid of the school. His record was impeccable and he was what one would call a teacher’s pet. Everyone admired him, students and teachers alike. But the boy hardly ever smiled, a stoic expression a permanent on his handsome face. Anyone hardly even approached the boy, scared of him. 

 

But Wei Wuxian felt drawn rather than scared. He remembered his heart fluttering when Lan Wangji had first caught his eyes. The boy was so beautiful it was blinding. Even with an expression as cold as ice, he was easily the most handsome guy in the whole school.

 

Naturally, drawn towards the beauty like a moth is drawn towards fire, Wei Wuxian had tried everything in his power to get the other’s attention. But except for a few glares, cold shoulders and annoyed looks he didn’t get any other response. And that made him want to talk to and befriend the boy even more. Strange. It isn’t like Wei Wuxian lacks friends. Whatever. If he wants to befriend Lan Wangji, he will. 

 

“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian whispered with a grin, “Lan Wangji!”

 

The other ignored him and continued to actually pay attention to what the teacher was teaching. But Wei Wuxian was never the one to give up easily. “Lan Zhan!” He whispered a bit louder. 

 

Annoyed, Lan Wangji threw him a warning look. “Lan Zhan, help me with this question pleaseee!” Wei Wuxian whispered his request, trying to hide the mischievous glint in his eyes, and giving him his best puppy dog eyes. 

 

The golden eyed boy just sighed, before taking the book held out to him to look at the question. When he looked down, an audible gasp left his mouth and heat rushed to his face. Wei Wuxian had to cover his mouth so that he didn’t laugh out loud like a maniac. Inside the math book was a very adult magazine with two males in a very compromising position. The expression on Lan Wangji’s face was priceless. His ears were tinted red, and his hands were clutching the book hard enough to crumple it at the edges. 

 

“Wei Ying!” Lan Zhan growled, his voice a whisper.

 

Wei Wuxian giggled lowly behind his hands, “Lan Zhan don’t tell me you’ve never seen such things before!” he teased.

 

“Shameless!” 

 

“What is going on over there?” Professor Lan Qiren, also Lan Wangji’s uncle, asked from the front. He looked at Lan Wangji, expecting an answer, but the other just turned to look at his uncle, expressionless.

 

Lan Qiren made his way towards the two, a stern look on his face. Snatching the book from Lan Wangji, he stared down to see what had gotten his favorite student talking so much during a lecture. Both the students stood from their seats, fully awaiting the wrath of Lan Qiren that was soon to come. If Lan Wangji’s expression had made Wei Wuxian want to laugh, Lan Qiren’s actually had him a little scared. With a thunderous expression he glared at Wei Wuxian, knowing full well it was his doing. 

 

“Wei Wuxian! How dare you!” Lan Qiren seethed, his eyebrows twitching. Not expecting a response, he turned towards his nephew, his glare hardening with a look of disappointment. “Lan Wangji even if this kid here is shameless and has no sense whatsoever you should know the rules! No talking during the lessons! No letting your emotions get the best of you! Even anger and disgust!” 

 

Lan Wangji remained silent, looking down in shame as if he had committed a heinous crime while Wei Wuxian let out a scoff. 

 

“Detention, both of you!” Lan Qiren declared, causing Lan Wangji to snap his head up and look at his uncle in a shock and a little bit of… betrayal? However the expression was gone as soon as it came and remained behind the perfectly schooled expressionless face. Wei Wuxian just shrugged, used to the punishment. “Each of you will write the school rules for 20 times before leaving.”

 

“What?! Is that even poss-” Wei Wuxian shut his mouth at the hateful glare he received and just nodded. 

 

Lan Wangji nodded, “I am sorry,” he said with a bow. 

 

Lan Qiren didn’t deem the apology with a response and walked away, to continue with his lecture. The two students sat down and Wei Wuxian could feel the air around him become cold. Even though Lan Wangi had a look of indifference on his face, Wei Wuxian knew he was extremely angry. His perfect record was broken after all. Lan Wangji was known for following all the freaking uncountable rules of their school, never breaking even the smallest of rules (honestly how Lan Wangji managed to do that, was beyond Wei Wuxian), but it was all down the drains now. 

 

All because of Wei Wuxian. 

 

After the school, in the detention room, Lan Wangji sat as far as he could from Wei Wuxian, copying the school rules diligently in his book purely from memory. How he remembered all the rules by heart, Wei Wuxian would never know. His uncle probably made him recite them every morning. The thought made Wei Wuxian shiver with dread and pity for the boy. 

 

Wei Wuxian on the other hand didn’t bother to remember them even after writing them for probably a 1000 times. He took out the book of rules, that was ridiculously thick for a rule book, and started copying.

 

After copying for 2 times, Wei Wuxian couldn’t do it anymore. This was just so much waste of time and boring. I mean who even made these ridiculous rules! Half of these are broken everyday, for sure! 

 

Lan Qiren was not there to monitor them, probably because Lan Wangji was already here. He probably trusted his perfect nephew to not break any more rules and to also make sure that Wei Wuxian completed his punishment. Afterall he had to submit the punishment to Lan Wangji. 

 

If it had been any other student, they might have already been out, lying through their teeth but not Lan Wangji. The ever diligent and sincere Lan Wangji, would complete his punishment even if the thought of having the punishment was bothering him. His face was still devoid of any expression. But his eyes, in his beautiful golden eyes Wei Wuxian could read every bit of annoyance Lan Wangi felt about the punishment. 

 

That’s probably what attracted Wei Wuxian to the other so much. He just wanted to tease Lan Wangji and see some emotions on his face, like how he saw a flicker of it today. He wanted to bring the emotions that he saw in Lan Wangji’s eyes to his face. Wanted to see all of his precious emotions expressed on his face. 

 

It was ridiculous, because generally this was not the type of person he would hang out with, but in the end Wei Wuxian just wanted to befriend the golden eyed boy. Something about Lan Wangji was so pure and sacred, so amazingly beautiful and attractive, that Wei Wuxian found him drawn to the boy in more ways than he could name.

 

Lan Wangji, however, paid Wei Wuxian no mind, always avoiding him or glaring subtly at him. No matter how much the other teased, the golden eyed boy remained as stoic as ever, rarely ever giving any reaction. Today was one of the rare days he had shown what he was feeling which only encouraged Wei Wuxian even more. It was not all going to waste!

 

Dropping his pen and closing the book he was copying the rules in, Wei Wuxian walked over to where Lan Wangji sat. With a bright sunny smile directed towards the stoic boy he called for him. “Lan Wangji!” 

 

The boy paid him no attention continuing to write the rules in his neat perfect beautiful handwriting. 

 

“Lan Zhan!”

 

No response.

 

“Lan-er-gege!”

 

Lan Wangji’s hands froze as he looked up at Wei Wuxian blankly. But his pinky twitched and Wei Wuxian could tell that the other was irked.

 

Still smiling excitedly, Wei Wuxian continued, “Lan Zhan, let’s ditch this boring detention! Let’s go out and have fun, I know this perfect place where we can dance and enjoy and even have some drinks!”

 

Seeing that he was only going to spout nonsense, Lan Wangji went back to his punishment, paying the other no further heed. Wei Wuxian kept talking though, suggesting ridiculous things for them to do, instead of writing their punishment. 

 

If only Lan Wangji could silence the loud boy besides him for sometime, one way or another, it would be a blessing. The boy kept talking unimaginable things and for a brief traitorous second, Lan Wangji wanted to do them with him. Wei Wuxian had shifted next to Lan Wangji, still spouting his nonsense but also starting to copy the rules for the rest of 18 times. 

 

After a painful amount of time and cramping hands, Wei Wuxian was done copying his rules 20 times. He looked besides him to see that Lan Wangji was already done with his punishment and was reading a book on art and music instead, waiting for Wei Wuxian to finish.

 

He was waiting for Wei Wuxian!

 

He was waiting!

 

He didn’t leave as soon as he was finished!

 

Despite the insufferable things Wei Wuxian had spouted! 

 

Lan Wanji was still here, waiting.

 

Wei Wuxian felt something flutter up his heart, a ridiculously big smile painting his face.  

 

“Were you waiting for me, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian mused, delighted.

 

“Ridiculous.” Lan Wangji extended his hand towards Wei Wuxian causing him to look at the hand, questioning. “Your punishment.”

 

“Oh!” Wei Wuxian nodded, handing in his notes containing the rules in a very messy handwriting. “So are you going to join me at the pub?” Looking at Lan Wangji’s expression the silver eyed boy grinned, satisfied for today, “Okay, okay, I know what you'll say, ‘Ridiculous’ or ‘Shameless’.” Wei Wuxian laughed as he grabbed his bags and turned to leave, “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Lan-er-gege!” And with that the boy left, oblivious to the emotions be left swirling inside Lan Wangji. 

 

After that day Wei Wuxian started to hang around Lan Wangji even more, coming up with new reasons to stick close to the other. Lan Wangji seemed annoyed and irritated but never really drove him away or told him to stop following him or to leave him alone. So Wei Wuxian stuck around, Lan Wangji’s standoffish  attitude attracted him more to the other.

 

And it was perhaps because of Wei Wuxian’s persistence that later Lan Wangji ended up becoming friends with him, to the point where they ended up going to the same college even. Their majors were different but Wei Wuxian always found time to meet and hang out with Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji also seemed like he had started accepting Wei Wuxian’s presence more readily and didn’t look like he was forced to hang out with Wei Wuxian. 

 

As the time passed, Wei Wuxian had learnt to read the expressions that were only fleeting or miniscule on Lan Wangji’s face. And he was so glad and proud that his friendship with Lan Wangji had reached this point. He loved it when he could say from just a twitch of his lips what Lan Wangji was feeling exactly. He loved that he was one of those who was often subjected to that small pretty smile Lan Wangji offers when he is amused or happy. 

 

And each day they spent together as friends, Wei Wuxian only found himself more and more drawn to the other, wanting to spend everyday with Lan Wangji, talk to him like they always do, and maybe kiss him on the lips and -- oh! He was in love, Wei Wuxian had realised that one day when his heart was beating abnormally loud just cause Lan Wangji had leaned towards him, to grab something, getting in his space. 

 

But with the fluttering of his heart came dread. They were still students, and didn’t Lan Wangji hate him just some time back? The other was just starting to open up, and the last thing Wei Wuxian wanted was to drive Lan Wangji away with these feelings of his. There’s no way Lan Wangji liked him back. No way. He had to let go.

 

But time passed and it had already been a year since they graduated and were now working, Lan Wangji at his family company as a composer and Wei Wuxian as a Kindergarten art teacher. And Wei Wuxian still found himself staring longingly at the golden eyed male. He had dreamt many times of the dates they could go on, holding hands, talking, laughing, kissing, snuggling and the list could go on. He just wished he could be with Lan Zhan, cause the man was amazing and he just wanted to shower love on the other and just be by his side through his whole life.

 

And his wish did come true, in the corniest way possible. 

 

The day had been particularly bad for Wei Wuxian. The morning had started fine, he got up on time, had his lesson planned and was just ready to breeze through the day perfectly. But then two kids started fighting during his class, getting paint on eachother and on Wei Wuxian when he tried to break them up. And then he had to deal with two cranky toddlers and annoyed parents, and clean the mess in his classroom. 

 

By the time it was lunch, Wei Wuxian was exhausted, messy and covered in paint. He just wanted to go home and have a nice long shower, and relax. But nothing ever worked perfectly for Wei Wuxian, did it? It had to be that day that he had to go have lunch with the Jiang household. And while he was eternally grateful to the family for adopting him, he always felt uncomfortable when Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang started fighting over him. 

 

He had to hear them fight almost everyday when he lived with them and now they fought whenever he visited on Uncle Jiang’s invitation. He knew the woman hated him, probably because Uncle Jiang showed more affection towards him than his son, but was it really Wei Wuxian’s fault?     

 

He knew it made Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli sad to see their parents fight like this. He hated to be next to them, as the two adults fought over him. All he could feel was uncomfortable and scared. Scared that Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli would come to hate him for being the cause of their parents’ fight. He could feel the anger roll off Jiang Cheng everytime Madam Yu said that Uncle Jiang loved Wei Wuxian more than he ever loved Jiang Cheng. 

 

In the end all he could think was that they were all just bearing with him, now that he was already in the family and Uncle Jiang would never give him up. He couldn’t help but feel like a burden, like someone unwanted. It didn’t help that he was mischievous and caused trouble in school. He was scared that in the end everybody was just tolerating him and his antics having no other choice. 

 

The lunch, as predicted, was like every other lunch with Madam Yu taunting him about his shabby appearance he had arrived late in, having no time to go and change out of his paint smeared clothes. How he was eating too fast and inappropriately. There were some fights and arguments too, but it was not as bad as the month earlier and Wei Wuxian was okay with that. At least it was not worse. 

 

And, Wei Wuxian was used to this to some extent and was actually able to enjoy the lunch as he joked with Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli. It should have been a pretty good day after a surprisingly relatively better lunch had his car not broken down in the middle of the street when he was driving home.

 

It was raining outside and his car had decided the perfect time to break down was in the middle of nowhere on a freeway. And now he was sticky, messy and extremely irritated with a pounding headache. Why couldn’t everything go his way for once?! If he stepped out now he would definitely be drenched in seconds and would probably catch a cold at the end of the day. 

 

He sighed, looking at his phone. He could probably call Jiang Cheng but the other would be grumbling about how he had already told Wei Wuxian to service his car which he had promptly ignored. And Wei Wuxian was not in the mood for anymore taunts or insults.

 

In retrospect Wei Wuxian could have called anyone else if not Jiang Cheng but he found his finger dialing the familiar number of Lan Wangji.

 

“Wei Ying,” Came the ever calm voice of Lan Wangji as he picked up the call.

 

“Lan Zhannn!” Wei Wuxian whined with a sigh, “My car broke down, and I am in the middle of nowhere and I don’t know what to do ‘cause it’s raining so much!”

 

“Share your location,” Lan Wangji said, “I’ll come.” Wei Wuxian could hear some shuffling from the other side.

 

“You will?” Wei Wuxian smiled smally, feeling his eyes water with relief that Lan Zhan was coming for him. 

 

“Mn.”

 

“Thank you Lan Zhan! You are the best!” Wei Wuxian was grinning fully now, feeling himself relax a bit. 

 

“Mn. I’ll see you in a bit,” Lan Wangji said, “Also I’ll call a tow truck for your car.”

 

“Okay, see you.” Ending the call, Wei Wuxian quickly sent his location to Lan Wangji and waited for the other to arrive. 

 

After 20 minutes Lan Wangji was already walking towards his car with an umbrella. Wei Wuxian immediately opened his door and got out of the cold car and under his friend’s umbrella.

 

A few drops of rain splattered on his messy shirt as he stuck closer to Lan Wangji to avoid getting wet and also to draw some warmth from his body. It was too cold in his car, the heater had stopped working when the car broke down. After his car is towed away, the duo walk towards Lan Wangji’s car.

 

Once inside the safety of a running car with a proper working heater, Wei Wuxian finally relaxed, feeling the whole day of tiredness come crashing down as he slumped in the leather seat “Lan Zhan, do you want to have some take out before dropping me home?” he asked, his eyes feeling a bit heavy. He wanted to get clean, take a bath, change into cleaner clothes, go to sleep in his bed, yes he wanted that, but more than that he wanted to be with Lan Zhan. He wanted to spend this horrible day with Lan Zhan for a little bit more to make it a little bit better. 

 

He also didn’t want to be alone in his apartment, and food was the best excuse he could use to hang around Lan Wangji a bit longer. He couldn’t possibly say that he wanted to freshen up first and then have dinner could he? Lan Wangji wouldn’t want to waste so much time with him. So he offered a less time consuming option, just so he could be in the presence of the other for just a little more time. Even if it meant he had to spend a few more hours in his sticky dirty clothes. 

 

“Mn,'' Lan Zhan hummed, making him smile as closed his eyes in contempt and leaned his head back on the headrest. It feels right like this, sitting beside Lan Wangji in his warm comfortable car, going to have takeout food and being driven home. 

 

“Wei Ying,” He hears a faint voice call out to him and Wei Wuxian hums in his sleep. “Wake up, we’re here.”

 

Wei Wuxian slowly opened his eyes to see that they were in front of Lan Wangji’s apartment building instead of going to their regular takeout place. “Hm Lan Zhan why are we here? What about food?”

 

“I thought you might want to clean up first,” Lan Zhan said, “Besides I have some food leftover at home.”

 

“Oh my god, Lan Zhan! You are literally an angel!” Wei Wuxian grinned stepping out of the car. Lan Wangji smiled smally at him, and Wei Wuxian’s heart fluttered. “But is it really okay?”

 

“Mn. I don’t mind.” They start walking towards the building in silence after that, Wei Wuxian’s heart jumping in his chest and a bounce in his step. He was so happy! So so so happy. Even thinking about his horrible day didn’t make him that upset right now. Just being with Lan Zhan made him so happy, and he never wanted to leave his side. He wanted to stay there, forever. 

 

Once they were inside Lan Wangji’s beautiful neat apartment, Wei Wuxian went straight to the shower in the guest bedroom. The shower was clean and big, equipped with expensive toiletries. 

 

Wei Wuxian quickly stripped and started the shower of warm water, which instantly relaxed some of his stiff muscles. Once he was clean and dressed up in the spare clothes Lan Zhan had given him, he walked out of the bathroom to join Lan Wangji who was in the kitchen.

 

The clothes were a little loose on him, the sleeves reaching till the tips of his fingers but they were the most comfortable piece of clothing he had been in. Plus, the clothes smelled like Lan Zhan and now even he smelt like Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian was in love and he couldn’t ask for anything more. 

 

“Thank you,” Wei Wuxian said, as he took a seat on the kitchen counter, “Your clothes are so comfortable and clean. I love wearing them!”

 

Lan Zhan smiled, his eyes lighting up, and Wei Wuxian felt his heart summersalt. “I’m glad.” Lan Zhan then placed a steaming bowl of udon in front of Wei Wuxian and some chilli oil and Wei Wuxian fell all over again. How can someone be so perfect?

 

Adding a generous amount of chilli oil, Wei Wuxian slurped the noodles and they taste better than anything he has had in days. Dammit! Now, he wanted Lan Zhan to cook for him everyday! Wei Wuxian continued eating, fast and messy, afraid that the food would disappear if he stopped. “They are so amazing, Lan Zhan! It tastes so good!!” 

 

“Slow down,” Lan Zhan said, reaching up with a tissue to wipe some of the food stuck on Wei Wuxian’s cheek. His eyes widened, as he looked at Lan Zhan, who was looking at him with the softest look in the world. There was a small fond smile on his face. His eyes were shining and there was an emotion in his eyes, Wei Wuxian couldn’t read or was afraid to read too much into. He looked beautiful with his smooth pale skin and soft hair cascading down to his shoulder. His white shirt was clean and pristine without a single spot of dirt.

 

And all Wei Wuxian could think about was how beautiful and kind this man was. How gorgeous. With eyes like gold and heart so pure and big that Wei Wuxian just wanted to protect him with all he had. And all he wanted to say was, “I love you.”

 

The hand on his cheek froze. Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened as he realised that he had spoken the words out loud. And he had not said it in the platonic way he always managed to say it to Lan Zhan, these words had heavy emotions behind them. It had everything Wei Wuxian had been feeling for the other for years.

 

Panic rose in Wei Wuxian’s chest as he looked at Lan Zhan who was still frozen with his hands on his cheek with the tissue. He looked visibly shook, his eyes a little wider, not blinking, and his lips parted. His ears were tinged slightly red as he continued to look at Wei Wuxian with an unreadable expression.

 

“Lan Zhan, I am sorry, I--”

 

For the first time in his life he had Lan Zhan interrupt him, “Do you really mean it?” He asked, cautiously.

 

“What?” Wei Wuxian blinked. Was Lan Zhan seriously considering his accidental confession? His expression now sure does look like he is. Oh God! OH GOD! “Yes! Yes I do!” Wei Wuxian confessed, trying to not sound too excited at the prospect of Lan Zhan feeling even remotely the same way for him, “I have been in love with you for as long as I remember.” He felt light, admitting this out loud. He felt light and excited. Sure he was nervous and was dreading the possibility that Lan Zhan might run for the hills hearing his words, but he was excited at the tiny possibility of Lan Zhan loving him back. 

 

The tissue dropped from Lan Wangji’s finger onto the table between them, and the bare skin of his fingers touched Wei Wuxian’s cheek directly. Wei Wuxian leaned into the touch, his eyes fluttering close at the feeling of the rough-soft skin. His heart bloomed with hope, as Lan Wangji’s moved his fingers, caressing his cheek. 

 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian spoke, opening his silver eyes and looking at the pair of golden ones. They were glassy and there was a light to them, Wei Wuxian had never seen before. 

 

“Wei Ying,” His voice was smooth, but laid with the same emotion Wei Ying spoke in, “I feel the same way.”

 

Wei Wuxian released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Lan Zhan,” He smiled, his face lighting up, his heart beating wildly, as he leaned forward, halting midway to look at Lan Zhan for permission. The golden eyed boy covered the distance in silent approval, touching his lips to Wei Wuxian’s.  

 

The kiss was soft. Lan Zhan’s lips were unbelievably soft. The fingers on his cheeks were replaced by Lan Zhan’s whole palm which angled his face closer to Lan Zhan, slotting their lips perfectly. It was a slow kiss, exploring the newness of kissing each other. When they pulled apart, Wei Wuxian sighed contentedly. Lan Zhan smiled at him, his eyes turning into creascents and oh Wei Wuxian was in love all over again. 

 

“Lan Zhan, your smile is so beautiful,” Wei Wuxian spoke in wonder, his fingers moving his fingers to trace the smile on the other’s lips. 

 

Lan Zhan’s ears turned red and Wei Wuxian felt his heart grow so fond that he felt like bursting. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Wei Wuxian stood up from his seat and walked towards Lan Zhan’s side, pulled him flush towards him and kissed him once again.

 


 

By the time Wei Wuxian is finished reminiscing about his past, he has reached his apartment. He walked the whole way without even realising. His apartment was a good 45 minutes walk from where they had their lunch and he had walked the whole way lost in memories. 

 

He is not really tired but his heart is heavy and filled with dread. It has been so long since they have even kissed properly. And Wei Wuxian misses it so much. He feels like he is back to those days in school when he was pining after Lan Zhan while the other only ignored him. 

 

What if he hates me again? What if I have finally annoyed him? What if he is sick of me and doesn’t want me anymore? What if he has realised that he actually deserves someone better than me?


Wei Wuxian forces the fear and anxiety inducing thoughts to the back of his mind. No! That’s not possible right? Lan Zhan loves him. He has shown that in many ways.

 

He can feel the love in the soft kisses he gives Wei Wuxian in the morning whenever they stay over at each others’. In the way he looks at Wei Wuxian like he is his whole world. In his soft touches and even softer hugs. In the way he gets everything Wei Wuxian wants, never says no to him. In the way he makes love to him, always making sure Wei Wuxian is pleased and satisfied. Lan Zhan shows in his actions how much he loves Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian knows this of course, that Lan Wangji is a man of actions and not words. 

 

But sometimes, just sometimes , a very selfish part of him wishes that Lan Zhan could be more vocal. Lan Zhan does tell him I love you from time to time but sometimes Wei Wuxian wants more. He feels selfish for expecting so much and he hates that he still does. He wants Lan Zhan to make love declarations to him sometimes, speak monologues of love to him like he does to Lan Zhan. 

 

Mainly because he is scared that he might be misinterpreting Lan Zhan’s actions as love. As stupid as it sounds, what if Wei Wuxian was assuming that Lan Zhan loves him just because of his actions? What if Lan Zhan doesn’t want to hurt him and is just acting like this for him, cause Lan Zhan is amazing and kind and beautiful in a way that he would never ever intentionally hurt another person. He knows how much Wei Wuxian loves him and maybe to just not hurt him, he is pretending to show his love with his actions. 

 

The thoughts sting Wei Wuxian and he groans in frustration as he flops down on his back in the bed. He looks at the clock on his bedside and his eyes widen. It's 4:30 Pm already. Has he really been lost in his thoughts for so long? He is going to go crazy like this. In a few hours, he knows his thoughts are going to eat him up and he can’t let that happen.

 

So he quickly sits up on his bed and unlocks his phone to message three people who are probably  free to come hang out with him. 

 

Wei Wuxian

4:32 PM

you guys up for drinks at my place? 

 

Jiang Cheng

4:33 PM

what? you don’t have your boyfriend to go to today?

 

Wei Wuxian

4:33 PM

ugh he is busy with work and i am bored

 

Nie Huaisang

4:34 PM

you only ever remember us when lan wangji is not there to entertain you :/

 

Jiang Cheng

4:34 PM

nie huaisang dropping truth bombs 

 

Wei Wuxian

4:34 PM

what? that's so not true!!! 

i truly missed you guys! 

let’s catch up on a drink huh? Please! >.<

 

Wen Ning

4:35 PM

we’ll be there wei-xiong

 

Wei Wuxian

4:35 PM

Yay! 

i knew i could count on you guys! 

i’ll make sure we have emperor's smile

and beer 

and soju 

all our favorites!!

 

Jiang Cheng

4:36 PM

you mean your favorites  

 

Wei Wuxian

4:36 PM

we all know you enjoy them just as much

 

Wen Ning

4:37 PM

he does

 

Nie Huaisang

4:37 PM

he does

 

Jiang Cheng

4:38 PM

you! just wait, you three. i’m gonna break your legs!

 

Nie Huaisang

4:38 PM

😂😂😂

 

Wei Wuxian

4:38 PM

you can try that tonight jiang cheng.

😂😂😂

see you guys soon!

 

Wen Ning

4:38

See you!



The guys arrive at around 7, which gave Wei Wuxian to make his messy apartment at least presentable. It is a small one bedroom apartment, enough to accommodate one person comfortably. 

 

In his living room he has pushed his sofa to the back and placed a low table in the center, and the four guys sit around the table. Wen Ning dumps the snacks and sweets he got in the center making everyone’s eyes sparkle. Wei Wuxian goes and brings his alcohol stash from the fridge and places it next to the snacks. 

 

Wei Wuxian is going to have fun, drink and eat lots of junk and probably regret it the next morning. But today he is only going to think of having a blast and not over think about Lan Zhan being weird. 

 

He pops open the jar of emperor’s smile and quickly pours each one of them a glass. It's a liquor from ancient times, still sold in jars like how it used to be sold, and it tastes exotic. It’s Wei Wuxian’s favorite kind. 

 

They take the first gulp and Wei Wuxian relishes the burn the liquor leaves behind in his throat. The taste of the alcohol itself is sweet with a hint of bitterness. Wei Wuxian loves it. He takes another quick gulp, downing the whole glass in one go. 

 

“Woah dude, slow down,” Nie Huaisang says, as he eyes Wei Wuxian pouring himself another glass. Wei Wuxian just ignores him with a roll of his eyes and downs the liquid. 

 

Jiang Cheng snickers before ripping open a bag of hot chips and grabbing a handful of them, shoving the food in his mouth. “You’ll be dead drunk before the night even ends at this rate,” he comments, his mouth full. Wei Wuxian ignores him too, as he pours himself yet another glass. 

 

“Do you want to get drunk?” Wen Ning asks as he drinks his first glass and takes a chip from the packet Jiang Cheng ripped open. 

 

Wei Wuxian only hums as he looks down at his empty glass, his lips pulling down in a sad frown. Wei Wuxian hardly ever got drunk. His alcohol tolerance was very high and he drank more to enjoy the taste of various liquor than to get drunk. But tonight he wants to be drunk. He wants to be wasted. Cause, maybe if he is drunk, Lan Zhan won’t be on his mind anymore. Maybe if he is drunk he will actually enjoy with his friends, instead of wanting to break down in front of them. Maybe if he is drunk, the ache in his heart will be soothed. God, is he overreacting? 

 

The three boys look at the silver eyed boy cautiously. They know something is wrong just by looking at him. Wei Wuxian has always been a happy drinker, chatting their ears off. By this point he should have told them so many random things about Lan Wangji that they could write a whole book on just how amazing Lan Wangji is according to Wei Wuxian. 

 

But Wei Wuxian hasn’t even mentioned his boyfriend today and that means there is something really wrong. Jiang Cheng looks at his brother with slight worry and he wants to ask him what’s wrong but he has never been good in gently conversing with Wei Wuxian. It is always Jian Yanli who can do that. So instead he says, “What’s wrong with you today? Have you finally decided to spare us from yapping on about your stupid Lan Zhan.”

 

“Lan Zhan is not stupid,” Wei Wuxian huffs, glaring at Jiang Cheng, before sighing, “And I thought you’d be glad about me not talking much for once.”

 

Jian Cheng narrows his eyes. Even though he is not particularly good at having a heart to heart with his brother, he knows how to read him by now. He knows different moods of Wei Wuxian and how he acts in each of them. 

 

He knows that when Wei Wuxian is speaking a mile per minute he is so excited about something that he would rather speak in incoherent sentences just to get all the feelings out. He knows when Wei Wuxian’s silver eyes light up with a particular starry glint it's because he has found an embarrassing secret of Jiang Cheng’s and he is going to be subjected to endless teasing. He knows that Wei Wuxian is angry when his voice is playful but strained at the edges, his words sticks and knives in a playful tone. And he knows that when Wei Wuxian is so uncharacteristically quiet, it's because he has gone back in the past, hanging onto the memories that only bring him pain and guilt.

 

Jiang Cheng frowns, cause he knows how to read Wei Wuxian’s moods, but doesn’t know what to do with them. Doesn’t know how to soothe the wounds that seem to have opened up. He wants to comfort Wei Wuxian but they only ever talk in a language of brotherly insults and squabbles. Soft talk and comforting hugs are Jiang Yanli’s department. 

 

Thankfully Wen Ning, being the softie of the group, takes over, “What’s wrong, Wei-xiong? You can tell us, you know right?” 

 

Wei Wuxian shakes his head, shrinking further into himself and looking down at the glass he just emptied. 

 

“Does it have something to do with Lan Wangji?” Nie Huaisang guesses and Wei Wuxian tenses, his fingers curling around the glass tightly.

 

Wei Wuxian wills himself to calm his heart as he looks at the worried faces of his friends and brother. He can’t let them know that he is so worried about a small matter like Lan Zhan not being around for a few days. They would probably make fun of him. Call him overbearing and tell him that he is overreacting. “It’s nothing,” He says instead, forcing himself to not pour another drink. If he drinks one more glass, his resolve will break and he is going to end up speaking his stupid feelings while crying. 

 

“You don’t look like it’s nothing,” Jiang Cheng points out as his face clouds with anger and his fists clench, “Did the asshole do something to you?” 

 

Wei Wuxian smiles slightly at Jiang Cheng. His brother was just too cute. “No no,” he denies trying to quell his brother’s anger, “It’s just that… I miss him. He’s been busy lately. And we hardly get time to spend together. It feels like he isn’t even making time. It almost feels like he is using being busy as an excuse to avoid me.”

 

“Are you sure you’re not just overthinking?” Wen Ning suggests with a soft smile.

 

Wei Wuxian shakes his head with a frown. Yes, he does tend to overthink many times and spin stories in his head, but he is sure Lan Zhan lied today when he said he was busy with work. And that mysterious phone call. “My gut tells me there is something suspicious, Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian says, “And my gut is never wrong!” 

 

“Yeah right,” Jian Cheng scoffs with a roll of his eyes.

 

“I am saying the truth! He even picked up a call from an unknown number today!” Wei Wuxian protests, his eyes going wide as a ridiculously painful thought somes to his mind, “Do you think he is cheating on me?!”

 

The other three males choke and sputter as they look at their dumb friend with wide unbelieving eyes. Is he really clueless to how much Lan Zhan loves him? “Do you seriously think that’s true? That Lan Zhan could cheat on you ?” Nie Huaisang asks Wei Wuxian with an are-you-kidding-me look.

 

Wei Wuxian looks like he is thinking about the question for a moment when Jiang Cheng speaks, “You dumbass! What are you thinking about?! It was a fucking rethorical question! Even a blind person can see how much that idiot Lan loves you.”

 

“Then why is he ignoring me?” Wei Wuxian whines, his frown deepening. 

 

“Why don't you talk to him about this?” Wen Ning suggests. 

 

“No!” Nie Huaisang shouts, abruptly.

 

Three heads snap towards Nie Huaisang looking at him in confusion as he shrinks back a little from all the eyes on him. “What do you mean no?” Wei Wuxian asks, his eyes narrowing.

 

“I-I don’t know I was just saying… uh… that you don’t want to come off as too clingy…” Nie Hauisang trails. Wei Wuxian’s expression dims, and Nie Huaisang feels horrible. But the thing is, Nie Huaisang knows why Lan Wangji has been ignoring Wei Wuxian and keeping his distance. But if Wei Wuxian were to ask the other directly why he was doing so, especially with all the insecurity lacing his voice, Lan Wangji is most likely to say the truth. The man can’t lie to save his life! And if Lan Wangji speaks the truth his own surprise will be ruined! And Nie Huaisang can’t let that happen! He has to make sure Wei Wuxian doesn’t confront Lan Wangji about this for his own sake. Wei Wuxian is going to love the surprise so much (he loves surprises) and this one is supposed to be the best one in his life. 

 

So even if Wei Wuxian looked like a kicked puppy, and even if it was so heartbreaking to see his always cheerful smiling face so depressed, Nie Huaisang stuck to his goal of convincing Wei Wuxian to not ask Lan Wangji anything or confront him. 

 

Clingy. 

 

Wei Wuxian was not a stranger to that word. Many of his friends had told him that he tended to cling a lot, especially to people he cares about and likes. And sometimes it can be a bit suffocating. But he thought Lan Zhan would come and talk to him if that was the case and not just distance himself. His heart suddenly feets too heavy and all he can do is have another shot of his drink to focus on the burn of the alcohol in his throat instead of the burn of heartbreak in his chest.

 

“What the fuck, Nie Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng scoffs looking annoyed, “Having a conversation in relationship is not being clingy!” He gives Wei Wuxian, who has shrunk into himself even more, suddenly looking too small, a worried glance. No matter how many times he denies, everyone could see that Jiang Cheng loves Wei Wuxian just as much as Jiang Yanli does. Just the way of expressing that love is very very different from Jiang Yanli’s.

 

“Jiang Cheng is right!” Wen Ning quickly agrees, nodding aggressively. 

 

“Well…” Nie Huaisang chuckles nervously giving a helpless shrug, “I was just saying… Wei-xiong already spends so much time with Lan Wangji, maybe he needs a bit of time and space? But that doesn’t mean he hates you or wants to break up with you or cheating on you!”

 

“Maybe…” Wei Wuxian sighs, “You’re right, I should just give him the space and time.” Even though he said these words, he looks so disheartened and sad, that Wen Ning goes around the table and pulls the silver eyed man in a hug. The hug seems to snap something in Wei Wuxian as tears start running down his cheeks and quiet sob fills the silent tense room. “I just… i just hope he still loves me, cause I love him so much it hurts. I just hope he stays. I just hope I don’t drive him away too. I just hope I am not too much for him now, and he just wants to get away from me.” 

 

Wen Ning continues rubbing the other back in comfort as Jiang Cheng scowls and Nie Huaisang feels overridden with guilt. 

 

“Wei Wuxian! That man loves you more than anyone else ever can!” Jiang Cheng says as if frustrated. But honestly he just didn’t want his brother to cry like this. He can’t bear that. “Dare I say, that he loves you as much as Jijie.” And me, he adds in his mind but doesn’t say it out loud. “Just looking at his expression when he looks at you makes me want to puke rainbows.”

 

Wei Wuxian looks up, his eyes red and face tear stricken, but there is hope on his face. “You guys really think so? That he really is just busy and not avoiding me?” 

 

All the three heads nodded eagerly at him, making his heart and body relax a little. “He really might just be busy, Wei-xiong. Give him some time! He is definitely not avoiding you on purpose,” Nie Hauisang reassures, with a soft smile.

 

“Okay…” Wei Wuxian hums, relaxing a lot more, wiping his tears and his usual playful expression slipping back on his face. 

 

The night after that passes smoothly, with no more crying and panic and just the three friends enjoying their time together with drinks and games and also gossip from none other than Nie Hausiang. But once the guys leave, the horrifying thought comes back to his mind, in full force. 

 

Wei Wuxian is still scared, still feeling insecure. And he knows that ideally he should talk about this to Lan Zhan, but he fears that Nie Huaisang may be right. What if he really is clingy? He doesn’t mind giving Lan Zhan space if he needs it, but Lan Zhan has never been like this. He has always liked having Wei Wuxian around him, clinging to him (Except maybe in highschool when he hated Wei Wuxian). If only Lan Zhan could tell him what he wants, tell him if he needs space, but Lan Zhan being like this, like his is almost avoiding Wei Wuxian, is just too hurtful. It makes Wei Wuxian question everything and he hates to feel like this. 

 

Sighing, Wei Wuxian moves to his bed and lays down on his back, his eyes watering a bit. Fuck. He doesn't want to cry over something like this. The tears trail down and he cusses. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. His breath hitches and he blinks his eyes trying to will the tears away. He shouldn’t be crying! It isn’t even a big deal right? It's just been a few days of not being able to spend time with Lan Zhan! Why is he even reacting like this? No wonder no one wants him. He is too emotionally damaged, with nothing to offer. Who would want him? Maybe Lan Zhan has figured out just how useless Wei Wuxian actually is. Madam Yu’s voice echoes in his head as the thoughts in his mind escalate.

 

You ruin everything! What kind of shameless person are you to cling to our family and suck out our happiness? You don’t deserve this! You don’t deserve the love my son should be getting! Get lost! 

 

Maybe she was right. Maybe Wei Wuxian didn’t deserve happiness. All he does is take after all, with nothing to offer but his love. And that’s just selfish. Not enough to give. His thoughts continue to drown him and Wei Wuxian realises belatedly that he is sobbing now, his chest hurting and his mind racing. He wants to let go, wants his mind to be blank, but all he can do is think of possibilities, of situations where he is all alone and there is no one who wants him anymore. Wei Wuxian squeezes his eyes shut, trying to calm his hitching breath and sobs. Sleep comes to him late, with tears still burning in the back of his closed eyes and chest hurting so much he is not sure if he is going to wake up alive. 

 



It doesn’t get better. He talks with Lan Zhan less and less, even on texts, the other being busy most of the days. Wei Wuxian hasn’t met with him since the last time, which was 7 days ago. Yes it is Friday again and it has been a goddamn week. Everyday his apprehension increases, his heart growing heavier with every denial he gets from Lan Zhan for meeting him. Lan Zhan never denies him anything, especially meeting up. 

 

A kid comes up to him with his art, holding it out for Wei Wuxian to see. And normally he loves to look at the precious pieces his kids draw, but today he can’t bring himself to focus. He glances at the child’s art, stick figures of him and his parents in a garden of some sort, and forces a smile at the child.

 

“Is something wrong, Teacher Wei?” The child asks with a small frown. Wei Wuxian is normally very vocal in his appreciation, no wonder the child noticed.

 

Wei Wuxian gulps, his throat dry before lying, “Yes, yes, kiddo, Teacher Wei is absolutely fine. This is a very beautiful drawing you have here. Your parents seem so lovely!”

 

The child brightens up at that and nods enthusiastically. “Yes! They are amazing! They always tell me they love me very much, and I love them very much too!”

 

Wei Wuxian’s heart fills and a genuine smile breaks onto his face. The child walks back to his seat contended with the compliment and the smile. Wei Wuxian hopes he can raise a child of his own with Lan Zhan some day. If Lan Zhan still wants him that is. His heart squeezes at the thought.  

 

As he is heading back home he gets a text from Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian brightens up as he reads the text.

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

1:35 PM

Wei Ying, should we meet tomorrow for dinner?

 

Wei Ying

1:35 PM

laaaannnnn zhaaaannnnnn! 

you are finally asking! 

YES YES OF COURSE WE CAN MEET

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

1:35 PM

Mn good. I will pick you at 7.

 

Wei Ying

1:36 PM

okay i will be ready! 

i am so excited to finally see you after so long, lan zhan!

are you excited too?!

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

1:37 PM

I am rather nervous.

 

Wei Ying

1:37 PM

nervous? 

why are you nervous?! 

we are just meeting up, right?

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

1:38 PM

Yes, you are right. Forget what I said. 

I will see you tomorrow. 

 

Wei Ying

1:38 PM

lann zhann!! 

you know you can tell me whatever it is! 

 

Lan Zhan 💜😍

1:38 PM

It’s okay, Wei Ying. 

My break is almost over and I need to get back to work. 

I will talk to you tomorrow. 

 

Wei Ying

1:39 PM

oh okay… see you tomorrow! 

love you 💜  

 

There was no response after that and Wei Wuxian’s heart sank. He was really happy to see the text from Lan Zhan at first but now all he felt was dread. Why was Lan Zhan nervous? What did he mean by ‘we’ll talk tomorrow’? Are his fears coming true? Is Lan Zhan finally going to break up with him tomorrow? Is that why he suddenly asked him to meet up? Is that why Lan Zhan’s nervous? 

 

Wei Wuxian toys with the idea of Lan Zhan breaking up with him, and he immediately feels nauseous. He can’t -- he just can not. Just thinking about it hurts so much, like someone is carving his heart out of him. He loves Lan Zhan too much. Has loved him for such a long time that he doesn’t even remember when he his feelings even started. He doesn't think he can live without his Lan Zhan. Life would be too empty and dull and just not worth living, cause Lan Zhan won’t be there. 

 

And people will say that he will move on. That they can still be friends, but he knows he can’t. He can never see Lan Zhan as friends. He probably never had, not even in school. But then that would mean not having Lan Zhan in his life at all. And he doesn’t want to think what a life like that will ever be. 

 

Once he is back home, his eyes are moist again and he feels so drained that he just wants to curl up in his bed. But his bed feels cold, too much time has passed since Lan Zhan was with him in it, and the covers no longer smells like Lan Zhan. And Wei Wuxian misses Lan Zhan’s sandalwood scent. He misses Lan Zhan’s warm arms around his waist, his lips, his subtle smiles, his hums, his love that he shows through actions rather than words. Wei Wuxian misses Lan Zhan so terribly that it physically hurts him. This is how it will be for him when Lan Zhan breaks up with him!

 

The thought courses panic through Wei Wuxian’s veins and his breathing hitches. His heart beat rises, and he finds it difficult to breathe. His eyes are watering and his chest burns. Everything burns. All he can do is fall onto his knees and bend, trying to get a mouthful of air into his lungs but it's like he has lost the ability to breathe. He struggles breathlessly as he tries to count backwards from 100, something he used to do after a particular harsh scold from Madam Yu. 

 

It somewhat works, but he is still crying and everything still hurts. Still on his knees he crawls towards his bed, not finding the energy to stand on his legs. Once he is inside his covers, he fishes his phone out of his pocket and speed dials the number of the person he knows will instantly calm him down.

 

“A-Xian?” The sweet voice of his sister, Jiang Yanli, instantly calms him down a little.

 

“Jijie,” Wei Wuxian sobs, drawing his legs to his chest, curling further into himself, “I think Lan Zhan doesn’t love me anymore. I think he wants to break up with me.”

 

“What?!” He could hear the shock in his sister’s voice, “Where is this coming from?”

 

Wei Wuxian sobs a little before he mutters his explanation to his sister, “He texted me today that he wants to meet tomorrow. And I was so excited and happy, you know, cause I felt like he had been avoiding me for a few days, everytime I texted him he replied hours later and we had not met for almost a week,” Wei Wuxian cries, “But he wants to meet tomorrow and that would have been great and exciting but then he goes and says that he is nervous. And he didn’t even tell me why?! He said we will talk tomorrow!! Now tell me, is it not a sign that he wants to break up?! He never even replies to my ‘I love yous’ anymore! He says he is busy but he has always had time for me! The last time we met he just rushed off after our lunch, without even giving me a proper goodbye kiss. Jijie, he is going to leave me, right? He is done with me. He hates me now, doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me.” Wei Wuxian can feel the familiar burn of breathlessness return and he gasps for air as he continues sobbing and babbling out his thoughts incoherently. 

 

“A-Xian, calm down,” His jiejie soothes, her voice like honey, “Breathe with me, okay, i need you to calm down first.” Jian Yanli breathes in, deep, and Wei Wuxian tries to follow, counting in his head as he tries to take deep breaths with his sister. They do this for a few minutes, inhaling and exhaling, letting the much needed air into his lungs. His nerves calm a little and he can feel the panic in him quell much more, his sister's sound of breathing calming him just as he expected. 

 

“What do I do, Jijie?” Wei Wuxian speaks again when he finds his voice, “I don't think I can bear it if he leaves me. He is my everything. And I know it shouldn’t be like that, i know, but I love him so much, so much that it physically hurts to think that he might not be with me.”

 

“Xianxian,” Jiang Yanli sighs, “My sweet Xianxian, Lan Wangji is not going to break up with you. He is never going to do that, okay?”

 

“How can you be so sure, Jiejie,” Wei Wuxian questions, confused and somewhat relieved from the surety his sister speaks with.

 

“I am your Jijie, and that’s how I can be sure. I wouldn’t let someone who doesn’t love you like you deserve, near you. And Lan Wangji loves you, A-Xian. I know it.”

 

The awfully sweet words warm his heart and reassure him, but not enough to make his doubts go away. “But what if he fell out of love with me? What if he realised that I am not worth it. That I have nothing to give him and am just an insufferable man with self esteem issues.”

 

“A-Xian,” His sister’s voice sounds pained, “You know that’s not true. You deserve his love, Xianxian. You’re worth the world. You’re much more than what your mind tells you.”

 

But it’s like her words fall on deaf ears. “What if he was just tolerating me till now? And he can’t anymore? What if he just dated me out of pity, cause Lan Zhan is awfully kind like that and can’t break hearts. So what if, he was just tolerating me, just like everyone else in my life, but can’t anymore?”  

 

Jiang Yanli gasps at his words and her voice is pained as she speaks, “Xianxian, oh A-Xian, do you really think everyone is just tolerating your presence? That even A-Cheng and I feel like that?” The lack of response from Wei Wuxian, breaks Jiang Yanli’s heart and she wants to rush to him and gather him up in his arms and just hold him. “A-Xian, we love you. We love you a lot. You’re our family, and there is no one who can change that. Not even mother. And Lan Zhan, too, loves you, A-Xian. Trust me.”

 

“Why doesn’t he say so then?” Wei Wuxian asks, voice so broken that it brings tears to Jiang Yanli’s eyes. “I know he is more of an action kinda guy, but, sometimes I wish he said the words, you know. I just… the words would just reassure me that I am interpreting his actions rightly. That he really does love me as much as I think he does.”

 

“Xianxian, you know you have to communicate this to him. He doesn’t know you need this until you tell him. “

 

“What if he finds it troublesome and annoying?”

 

Jiang Yanli wanted to groan at her brother’s stupidity. “Of course he won’t! He loves you, A-Xian! He might be a little busy lately, but that doesn’t mean he is sick of you. Have you ever thought of the possibility that he is actually really busy doing something and that’s why he is unavailable for you?”

 

“But--”

 

Jiang Yanli sighs, already knowing what her brother is going to say next, “A-Xian, stop with what ifs and assumptions, you will never know until he says what he wants to tomorrow, so stop torturing yourself by assuming the worst. Maybe he wants to say something good! He can be nervous because of that too, right?”

 

Wei Wuxian considers that and silently, reluctantly agrees. Even though he still largely believes that Lan Zhan is going to break it off, there is a small part of him that wants to consider the other possibility. “Right,” He answers to his waiting sister with a small sigh.

 

“I am bringing A-ling and Lotus root and pork soup over to your place, how does that sound?”

 

Wei Wuxian perks up like a child on christmas and smiles brightly for the first time in 5 days. “Yes, yes please!” He will never pass on an opportunity to play with his adorably bratty little nephew and to have his jijie’s delicious soup. 

 

They hang up after Jian Yanli says that she will be at Wei Wuxian’s place in an hour or so. The day goes much smoother, playing with Jin Ling, having the best soup in the world and talking to his sister about anything and everything. With the two people Wei Wuxian loves the most (apart from Lan Zhan and Jiang Chang) it was like his worries and thoughts had drowned somewhere far. It is only when they are gone around 9 in the night that the voices in his head start to resurface. But before they can get too loud and eat him up like they did in the afternoon, he heads to the bed deciding to turn in early. 

 

Lan Zhan must be going to sleep too, right now.

 

With that thought in mind, Wei Wuxian closes his eyes shut, imagining Lan Zhan’s arms around his waist, pulling Wei Wuxian close to his chest, letting him curl, as  he lightly kisses him on the crown of his head. This is how they slept most of the nights when they stayed over at each other. Wei Wuxian misses this too, misses Lan Zhan’s protective arms over him, pulling him close till their bodies were flush against each other, his warmth, his voice, his Lan Zhan. And with the longing swirling in his heart and mind, Wei Wuxian falls asleep.

 


 

Wei Wuxian wakes up too early for a Saturday Morning. On a normal Saturday, his earliest would have been noon, but today he was up and awake by 8 AM, which is too early. He groans into his pillow remembering that today is the day Lan Zhan is probably going to break up with him. Tears gather at the corner of his eyes, but he stops from spilling them, remembering Jiang Yanli’s words from yesterday. Don’t go on assuming things, A-Xian, you never know what he wants to actually say. 

 

Before his thoughts could trouble him further, Wei Wuxian gets up from his bed and goes about his normal morning routine in a haze. There are times he almost breaks down from fear and anxiety but he pulls through, trying to play all the comforting words his sister had to offer in his mind. It helps a little. 

 

The time moves too slow yet too fast, and Wei Wuxian finds himself dressed and standing in front of his mirror sooner than he expected. He had brushed his teeth and had a long hot shower before wearing a black round necked t-shirt tucked loosely inside black ripped jeans, with a red jacket Lan Zhan gifted him a few months ago. His hair is pulled back in a loose bun, letting a few wild strands frame his face and curl around his neck. He opted out of applying any eye liner like he usually does, in case he has to cry tonight over his broken heart. He would rather not have black smears across his face as he ugly cries in front of Lan Zhan as the other breaks his heart. 

 

He is only just putting on his shoes when the doorbell rings. Is it 7 already? So early? He looks over his appearance one last time before, making his way towards his door, with his heart beating loudly in his ears. He is nervous and scared, but this is not the time to ponder those emotions. Lan Zhan is finally at his door after making him wait a whole week! With a deep, shuddering breath, he opens the door to the love of his life. Wei Wuxian feels his breath hitch as he looks at Lan Zhan standing in all his glory. 

 

He is wearing a soft blue turtleneck tucked neatly inside white dress pants and white belt with golden buckles. On his turtleneck Lan Zhan is wearing a white suit jacket, and Wei Wuxian would have found so much white ridiculous on some other person, but his Lan Zhan, his precious Lan Zhan looks so beautiful and godly, Wei Wuxian is not sure if he will be able to return home alive. 

 

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan’s voice breaks Wei Wuxian out of his stupor. 

 

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian grins, so bright, so big, his cheeks hurt. He is so so happy to see Lan Zhan again. “I missed you.” He moves towards Lan Zhan and drapes his arms across the other’s shoulders, pulling him in a tight hug. But Lan Zhan’s body against him is stiff and doesn’t relax. Wei Wuxian frowns, finding this odd, even as Lan Zhan’s hand wraps around his waist. This is not how they hug. This is too stiff, too nervous, too alien. Lan Zhan is tucking Wei Wuxian’s head under his chin or not pushing his own face in the crook of Wei Wuxian’s neck, breathing him in, like he usually does when they hug. He is not hugging like he does, like Wei Wuxian is all he needs to hold, like he is something precious and needs to be held close all the time, like he never wants to let go. 

 

Wei Wuxian leans back, trying to look in the golden eyes he loves so much. Even though Lan Zhan almost always has a blank face, his eyes speak volumes, Wei Wuxian is able to hear. Today when he looks, though he can see the soft fondness Lan Zhan always has when he looks at Wei Wuxian, there is also something else Wei Wuxian can’t quite understand. Fear? Nervousness? Anxiety? Why are these emotions swirling in Lan Zhan? Why? Is Lan Zhan hiding something from him? Why is this emotion hiding the love that shines in his golden eyes? The fear which had managed to go back to the back of Wei Wuxian’s mind, comes back in full force. 

 

He tries to hide it. Tries to conceal it, cause he doesn’t want Lan Zhan to see him so anxious. Doesn’t want him to see how pathetic he becomes just by the thought of Lan Zhan leaving. “Missed Wei Ying too.” And it sounds genuine, it does. But Lan Zhan’s eyes are blank now, too blank. Like he’s made them blank on purpose, and Wei Wuxian doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like Lan Zhan hiding things from him. 

 

What’s wrong Lan Zhan? What happened? Why are you being like this? Why have your eyes lost the shine they have when you’re around me? Tell me? Why-- why are you being so blank, so stiff, so distant?

 

Wei Wuxian wants to shout these words at him, scream them in his face. Demand answers to them until he is satisfied. The questions claw at his throat to jump out but he swallows them hard and smiles, saying instead, “Should we go? I am ready.”

 

Lan Zhan gives a small nod, relaxing a bit and holding his palm out for Wei Wuxian to take. Wei Wuxian relaxes a bit too, his heart calming albeit, as he slides his own palm in Lan Zhan’s and lets their fingers enterwine. It’s like an anchor for Wei Wuxian, grounding him, stopping him from floating farther away with his trail of thoughts. 

 

“Where are we going?” Wei Wuxian asks as they walk down the stairs. His apartment is only on the second floor, so they don’t bother with taking the elevator. 

 

“You’ll see,” Lan Zhan replies simply and Wei Wuxian hums. This was not abnormal of Lan Zhan, he always likes to keep the place they are going on a date for a secret, even if it is a casual one, to a place Wei Wuxian has already been to. What Lan Zhan achieved from this, was beyond Wei Wuxian’s understanding.

 

They walk in small silence till they reach Lan Zhan’s car. Lan Zhan opens the door for him causing a smile to light up Wei Wuxian’s face as he slides into the seat. These small gestures, why do they still make his heart flutter like some teenager in love?

 

Once Lan Zhan is seated in his own seat and backing up from the parking, Wei Wuxian slightly turns towards him, as much as his seatbelt allows him to, planning to fill the silence with talks he wanted to have but couldn’t because of not seeing each other for so damn long. 

 

“You know Lan Zhan, I had so much fun with the kids in the forest park!” Wei Wuxian starts with the things he wants to say the most, “I think it’s the first time many kids went there. They were so adorable playing around and exploring the new environment.”

 

“What did you plan for them, this time?” Lan Zhan asks, and Wei Wuxian is delighted that Lan Zhan is paying attention this time. 

 

“Oh I am so glad you asked!” Wei Wuxian grins bouncing in his seat in excitement, “I asked them to roam around and make best out of waste. I thought it would be a little too much for children so young, but Lan Zhan, oh man, they were so creative! I never knew my children were so creative!”

 

“Mn, just like Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan smiles the way he always does with Wei Wuxian, lips lifting up a little, almost unnoticeable, and Wei Wuxian forgets how to breathe. How did Wei Wuxian even survive without seeing this smile for so long?

 

“Lan Zhan, don’t say things like that! Do you want to kill me?!” Wei Wuxian teases, laughing lightly as Lan Zhan just shakes his head in amusement. He continues to babble on about his week, having drinks with his friends, playing with Jin Ling and having Jiang Yanli’s delicious soup. Ofcourse, he leaves out the parts where he had mental breakdowns about Lan Zhan leaving him. 

 

He knows that, ideally, he should discuss these things with Lan Zhan, tell him his fears, his insecurities but this is going so well so far. Lan Zhan’s attention is back on him, the mood is light and it’s like the last week of ignorance didn’t even happen. And Wei Wuxian didn’t want to break this by bringing up his insecurities and ruining it all. Also what if Lan Zhan is actually going to break up with him at the end of the night and uses this opportunity to break up istead? Even if their relationship is doomed, Wei Wuxian wants to enjoy these last few moments of Lan Zhan. 

 

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan asks, frowning slightly in Wei Wuxian’s direction, wondering why Wei Wuxian fell uncharacteristically quiet. 

 

“Ah Lan Zhan enough about me,” Wei Wuxian says, snapping back from his thoughts, “How was your week? How is your project going? Did you find any new inspiration?” He shoots his question, excited to hear what Lan Zhan had been up to the whole week, and also to divert the conversation away from him before he says something that he is not ready to say. 

 

“It was… hectic. I will be proposing my idea soon, hopefully it will get accepted,” Lan Zhan answers, suddenly tensed, his fingers tightening against the steering wheel.

 

“Are you nervous that you’ll be rejected?” Wei Wuxian questions, confused. Lan Zhan has always been confident in his work, so why is he nervous this time? 

 

Lan Zhan doesn’t answer but the air around him goes cold and his eyes look distant. Gone is the Lan Zhan who was smiling smally at him, listening to him talk, instead Lan Zhan looks tense, nervous and like he would rather not have this conversation.

 

Their conversation dies, the silence suddenly suffocating. Lan Zhan keeps his focus on driving not sparing Wei Wuxian a glance. Wei Wuxian sighs and turns to look out of the window, his mind racing. 

 

Why does Lan Zhan become like this whenever Wei Wuxian brings up his work? Why does he get so tense and why does it look like he is lying ? Lan Zhan never lies, never, unless the situation demands it, and if he is lying to Wei Wuxian then it must be something grave, something even Wei Wuxian can’t know. And that breaks his heart. 

 

Even though Lan Zhan is not much of a speaker he shares everything with Wei Wuxian. And that is something Wei Wuxian revels in. He craves for when Lan Zhan speaks about himself, but today… today is different. Today Lan Zhan is lying, not speaking, today, he is suddenly silent in a way he is only with strangers or people he wants to avoid. 

 

Wei Wuxian wishes Lan Zhan would speak and not be silent for the rest of the date. He needs it. It’s after so long that he has seen Lan Zhan, had the opportunity to actually spend time with him, and he wants to hear Lan Zhan. Hear his smooth deep voice speak to him. Yes, Lan Zhan is not much of a talker but he does talk when prompted, he does talk when he knows Wei Ying wants him to, so why isn’t he doing so today? The fear that has become all too well known to Wei Wuxian in the past week, grips his heart again and he has to breathe through his nose to not start hyperventilating. He can’t break down here, in front of Lan Zhan. He just can not. 

 

To his relief, Lan Zhan is soon pulling into a parking lot. Wei Wuxian looks around to see that they were at the place he never thought they would visit again. It was a small cozy eating place, a little farther from where they lived in the city. It was set out in the open, surrounded by greenery. The trees and the bushes were decorated with fairy lights. Wooden tables and chairs were scattered in the area, with a fairly good amount of distance between them, giving nice privacy to the people occupying the tables. It wasn’t that much special, but a nice place to eat at on an autumn evening like today. 

 

However, no matter how good the aesthetics of the place, Wei Wuxian never thought he would come here again, let alone with Lan Zhan. The thing is, this was the first place Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan had come to eat to. Not when they were dating, but when Wei Wuxian was hopelessly trying to befriend Lan Zhan who was obviously very annoyed with him. Wei Wuxian had brought him here to eat when they were assigned partners for an assignment. And it would have been a cute friendly study date if not for the fact that the restaurant served mostly spicy and non vegetarian food, both of which Lan Zhan tends to avoid. 

 

Even the blandest of their food was spicy for Lan Zhan and finding a dish without any meat in it was definitely a task. In all it was a horrible meal for the other who was already annoyed with Wei Wuxian making fun of him for his red ears and disgusted face. Not to mention everyone around looked like they were judging him for being a picky eater. It was fun for Wei Wuxian but Lan Zhan looked like he never wanted to come to this place ever again and never see Wei Wuxian. Lan Zhan had avoided him for two weeks after that! 

 

“Why are we here, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asks in confusion as he steps out of the car when Lan Zhan opens the door for him. 

 

“You like the food here,” Lan Zhan says as if that's an answer enough. It’s true that Wei Wuxian loved the place and it’s food, but had stopped visiting after he started dating Lan Zhan. 

 

“But you don’t,” Wei Wuxian points out. Lan Zhan shrugs a little before leading Wei Wuxian, who is still very confused, to their table. 

 

“I don’t mind,” Lan Zhan assures when Wei Wuxian still doesn’t loosen up, “I wanted to have food here for a reason.”

 

“Reason? What reason?”

 

“You’ll know soon,” Lan Zhan answers, avoiding Wei Wuxian’s eyes and looking down at the menu. Wei Wuxian looks down at his own menu and frowns. Why is Lan Zhan behaving so strangely? Why take Wei Wuxian to this restaurant out of all their favorite places? The menu itself showed how little of an option Lan Zhan has. 

 

Before Wei Wuxian can probe any further, the waiter arrives, “I will have tofu fried rice and pumpkin soup,” Lan Zhan decides, the only vegetarian option in the menu. 

 

“I will have sichuan pork extra spicy and hot and sour soup,” Wei Wuxian orders, choosing his favorite dishes at this place. It has been a long time since he has had it, and he is kinda excited to eat it again. “Also red wine for me and sparkling water for my partner.”

 

The waiter nods, noting down their orders before walking away leaving the couple alone once again. The two then fall into a small conversation talking about anything and everything. It is really Wei Wuxian who is doing all the talking and Lan Zhan is humming and adding small bits in between. But it’s different. He looks distracted, like he is not really listening, like he is thinking something else. His Lan Zhan was never like this. Even with limited things to say and hums, Lan Zhan always listened to every word Wei Ying had to say. 

 

A sense of déjà vu washes over Wei Wuxian as he thinks back to how Lan Zhan was like this the last time they met, distracted, lost, here but not really here. The food arrives before Wei Wuxian can confront him. They fall into a deep silence as each eat their food lost in thoughts.Time passes by in a very loud silence that drums in Wei Wuxian’s ears and soon the waiter is taking away their plates and Lan Zhan is paying for the meal. 

 

It has only been an hour and a half and Lan Zhan is already leading him back to his car. Why is this date ending so soon? Why does it feel so quiet, so empty? This would have been a perfect date, if only Lan Zhan stopped acting so weird, so lost in thoughts and so detached. He is hardly making any eye contact with Wei Wuxian, even when they were eating he was looking mostly at his food, and Wei Wuxian was annoyed and anxious at the same time. Their meals mostly were relatively silent with Lan Zhan’s ‘no speaking while eating’ rule, but they had always shared smiles and had conversation with their eyes during meals like this. Today nothing like that happened! Even now, Lan Zhan is walking two steps ahead of him. 

 

Where are those loving smiles and loving eyes? Why aren't they aimed at him anymore? Is Wei Wuxian really right? Is Lan Zhan really going to break up with him? Is this going to be their last meal together? Is that why he chose a place only Wei Wuxian likes, like a parting gift? Lan Zhan probably wouldn’t totally cut him off, still wanting to be friends, cause Lan Zhan is good and kind and he would never abandon a person even if he no longer loves him. But when Wei Wuxian thinks of being anything other than Lan Zhan’s partner, the thought makes him so sick he feels bile rising up his throat. 

 

He should speak up. This is too much! Wei Wuxian wants to keep quiet, doesn't want to appear clingy, doesn’t want to state his fears in case they are wrong, but he can’t hold it in anymore. He has to ask, or his thoughts might as well just kill him. He stops in the middle of their walk, just a few steps away from Lan Zhan. “Lan Zhan, do you want to break up?” In retrospect, he could have framed that better, could have asked what is wrong, but his anxiety had taken away his brain to mouth filter.

 

Lan Zhan stops dead in his steps, his shoulders going tense. His fists are clenching and Wei Wuxian feels like he can’t breathe. Lan Zhan turns slowly and finally looks at Wei Wuxian with wide eyes. “What?” Hurt flashes on his face and Lan Zhan looks… Wei Wuxian has never seen this look on his face so he doesn’t know how to read it. “Yo-u want to b-break up?” This is the first time Wei Wuxian has heard Lan Zhan stutter.

 

“No, not me,” Wei Wuxian answers quickly, “But you want to, right?”

 

“Wh-what what the fuck?” Lan Zhan breathes harshly as he looks at Wei Wuxian as if he has grown a second head.

 

“I know I can be clingy and overbearing and too much sometimes, and it must be hard to tolerate me too, but dont leave me Lan Zhan, please,” He begs, ready to fall on his knees. It’s pathetic maybe, but losing Lan Zhan is not something he would ever be able to bear. “I love you, Lan Zhan, I love you so so so much, I think I will die if you ever leave me, so please, please stay.” His voice quivers and the tears gathered in his eyes fall down big and fat. It hurts so much, just the thought of Lan Zhan leaving. 

 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, now infront of him and looking at him in dreaded confusion. “W-why? Why would you t-think I am b-breaking up with you?”

 

“I-I...” Wei Wuxian’s breath hitches and he feels fresh panic run through his blood. He is going to say them out loud, all his insecurities, all his doubts, all the reasons for why Lan Zhan should probably break up with him. And its scaring the fuck out of him, cause what if Lan Zhan finally realises how awful Wei Wuxian actually is through this. He can choose not to say them, choose to keep quiet, but he needs to say it. He needs to get it out, get all the torturing thoughts out before he goes crazy. He is just not sure if he is ready for the consequences of laying himself so bare. 

 

“Wei Ying, breathe,” Lan Zhan’s voice brings him back to his senses, his breathing still too laboured to get a word out. Wei Wuxian tries to breathe, inhaling and exhaling shakily. 

 

“Y-you’ve been so distant lately, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian finally speaks, his voice small and hoarse, “We didn’t meet for like almost a week and that has never happened before, you know. Even when we weren’t dating, we would meet at least once in 2 days, even in the time when you used to hate me,” Lan Zhan frowns at that but Wei Wuxian continues to speak, afraid that if he stops he will lose the courage to finally let it all out, “A-and and last time we met you were so quiet and we hardly talked and you didn’t even kiss me goodbye, didn’t even catch me a taxi before leaving. And you’ve never been like this, never! We hardly texted after that, hardly even talked and even today you are behaving so distant, you weren’t even looking at me! I mean I know you talk less but these days, it’s like you never say anything, you don't even say I love you back anymore.”

 

Lan Zhan’s eyes are wide and he looks at loss of words. He looks guilty and something in Wei Wuxian’s heart tugs. Guilty? Why does he have to feel guilty? Oh no! Is Wei Wuxian right? Is Lan Zhan really going to break up now? Before Lan Zhan can even speak again, Wei Wuxian speaks again.

 

“I am sorry. I am sorry for being like this. I know I can be a little too teasing sometimes and you must be just tolerating me like others, but, I love you. I have loved you since high school. I have loved you even when you hated me. And I don’t think I can live without you in my life. Life without you will never be worth living. So please, I--” 

 

Wei Wuxian is cut off from his rant, that was really not going anywhere, when he gets pulled in a hug. Strong arms wrap around his shoulders and Lan Zhan tucks Wei Wuxian’s head under his, pressing his face to his chest. The cold comforting scent of sandalwood envelopes him and he relaxes, his tears soaking the turtleneck beneath him. This hug he knows, and it relieves him a little. His Lan Zhan is not totally gone, this hug is their hug. 

 

“Sorry,” The voice above him quivers as Wei Wuxian sniffles in confusion. Sorry? Why is Lan Zhan sorry? “I-its not what you think,” Lan Zhan says, sensing the confusion, “I would never want to break up with you.” 

 

Wei Wuxian pulls back from the hug a little and looks up towards his lover with a small frown. “Then, why have you been avoiding me for like a week?!”

 

“Uhh…” Lan Zhan hesitates and Wei Wuxian’s face falls. 

 

“You don’t need to lie for my sake, Lan Zhan, I mean I understand why you wouldn’t wanna be with me,” Wei Wuxian speaks, his expression once again flashing with pain.

 

“No!”

 

Lan Wangji’s heart aches. It hurts like someone has stabbed it with a double edged knife and left it in his heart. This was never his intention. He never wanted Wei Ying to doubt himself like this. God, he never wanted Wei Ying to feel that Lan Wangji could ever stop loving him!

 

How could he stop loving Wei Wuxian? His sun, his moon, his star, his everything. Sometimes he is the only source of light in his life and Lan Wangji cannot, does not, want to imagine how dark his life would get without Wei Ying. His Wei Ying. 

 

All he wants is for Wei Ying to be his and be Wei Ying’s. All he wants to do is ask Wei Ying to marry him. Instead, he ended up creating a mess. He ended up hurting the person he loves, watering the plant of doubt that should have been long dead. He never wanted Wei Ying to feel like he was unwanted. 

 

“I was never going to break up with you, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan speaks before he causes even more distress to the one he loves. “I don’t hate you, never have and never will.” Lan Zhan has been annoyed with Wei Ying during their high school days, but he has never hated him. Could never hate him. His annoyance was mostly due to the confusion he felt when he saw the bright boy who he was supposed to be repulsed by but instead could only feel immense attraction towards. 

 

“Really?” Wei Wuxian brightens up a little as Lan Wangji wipes the tears running down his face. 

 

“Wei Ying, I-I…” Words have always been hard for Lan Wangji. That is why he spent the last few weeks trying to prepare the perfect proposal. A proposal Wei Ying truly deserves. But he never realised that in his frenzy of having everything in place and in time he forgot about the one he was supposed to do all this for. Part of the reason why he didn’t talk to Wei Yong much was because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep it from Wei Ying and would probably end up proposing then and there without any preparation. And that’s the last thing he wants, cause Wei Ying deserves the best ever proposal. 

 

But this wasn’t the best. Lan Wangji has fucked up and Wei Ying is hurt and last minute preparations and nervousness be damned, he can’t, won’t wait any longer. Lan Wangji is not a man of words but he has things somewhat prepared and maybe he can still fix this. “Wei Ying, come with me?” He asks, taking hold of the other’s hand, “I will explain to you why I have been like this if you come with me, I promise. Give me a chance, please?”

 

Wei Wuxian nods, without a second thought. He will give Lan Zhan as many chances he needs. Lan Zhan, still holding his hand, walks him the rest of the way to the car and opens the door for him. Wei Wuxian slips in with a small smile and Lan Zhan makes sure Wei Wuxian looks comfortable enough before moving to get into the driver’s seat. 

 

They set off and Wei Wuxian can sense Lan Zhan’s apprehension. Wei Wuxian himself feels nervous. What could Lan Zhan want to show and tell him? They drive for about 20 minutes in a tense silence that is slightly soothed when Wei Wuxian plays some music, but it’s not enough to calm them down fully. They are still high on emotions, Wei Wuxian scared and nervous, Lan Wangji guilty and nervous. 

 

The nervousness only seems to grow as Lan Zhan drives through a gate of Jingshi Apartments. Wei Ying’s eyes widens and he turns to look at Lan Zhan in confusion. What the hell is going on? Why is Lan Zhan driving through a newly developed, beautiful, and a little expensive apartment building? Lan Zhan ignores his look and continues to drive towards the parking lot and park his car in one of the plots assigned to a resident. 

 

What the fuck?! What the fuck was Lan Zhan upto?! Wei Wuxian is still in his dazed thoughts when Lan Zhan pulls open his door and offers his hand to him. Wei Wuxian takes the offered hand with a confused smile, deciding to stop thinking and just see what Lan Zhan wants to show him. 

 

They walk towards the elevator and Lan Wangji can feel his heart beating in his ears. He goes over the lines he has practiced for the last few days over and over and over but something is always missing. Wei Ying will say yes, right? He did say that he wants to stay with him forever, right? So he will say yes! He would! 

 

Despiste trying to reassure himself, Lan Wangji can feel his confidence dwindling and he almost backs out, plans to not do it yet. 

 

Almost. 

 

But he has to. He can’t back out like this, not with Wei Ying doubting his beautiful self. No, if this is something that will reassure Wei Ying, something that will show Wei Ying how much Lan Wangji loves him, then Lan Wangji will do it even if he is not fully ready with his speech and his ridiculous thoughts are driving him mad. Even if Wei Ying ends up rejecting him, he will do it, for Wei Ying.

 

Wei Wuxian’s hand is still in Lan Zhan’s warm ones as they travel up to the 20th floor of the building. The last floor. The elevator dings open and the couple walk out, both anxious for different reasons. The time seems slowed and every step feels heavier than the last. When Lan Zhan finally opens the door to one of the two apartments on the floor, Wei Wuxian’s eyes widen in amazement.   

 

The entryway is lined with two small potted rose plants. And beyond that entryway lies one of the most beautiful and cozy spaces Wei Wuxian has ever seen. The living room is themed in soft colours of light blue and white, with white polished marble flooring that was covered with a soft carpet. It is spacious, definitely bigger than Wei Wuxian’s, and probably even bigger than Lan Zhan’s. And that’s saying something, cause Lan Zhan’s home is pretty big. 

 

It looks like the living room is still getting furnished, having only a soft blue sofa and a mahogany coffee table sitting in the middle of the room. The television is sitting on the ground near a wall, still unpacked. To his right was an open kitchen and a small glass dining table of four, creating a small dining area. The kitchen was also still getting furnished, only having a microwave and a stove sitting on its marbled top. 

 

On the left was a wall to ceiling window that looked out into the city and it looked so so so beautiful. Wei Wuxian’s breath kept hitching as he looked around. “Lan Zhan, what, what is this? Why are we here?” Wei Wuxian asks, finally coming to his senses and looking at his lover for answers. 

 

Lan Zhan swallows audibly and takes Wei Wuxian, whose hand is still wrapped around his, further into the room, after they remove their shoes. He opens a door that was in the further right of the living room. It opens to a bedroom in a darker shade of blue. It still has the same white marbled floor and is covered with a beige carpet which feels so soft under Wei Wuxian’s feet that he feels like he is walking on clouds. The room is a little smaller than the living room, but still bigger than Wei Wuxian’s any room, and is furnished only with a big king sized bed in the middle, yet. Ah the bed looks so soft, and Wei Wuxian has to kill the urge to go and roll on it. There is a door to the wall on the left of the bed, that probably leads to a bathroom. On the right, instead of a wall there is a floor to ceiling sliding, leading out in a fairly big balcony. 

 

The balcony overlooked the other side of the city beyond which laid mountains and Wei Wuxian could see those mountains illuminated by city lights. He was so mesmerised that he couldn’t look away from it. 

 

Clearing of a throat grabs his attention away from the scenery in front of him and directs towards the love of his life. The love of his life who is currently on both his knees looking down with what could only be guilt. And suddenly Wei Wuxian cannot breathe. It's like his brain has short circuited and all his functions have stopped. All he can do is stare at Lan Zhan with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan breathes out and Wei Wuxian can hear his heart in his mouth, “I am sorry. I am sorry I ever made you think I don’t love, that I would ever want to break up with you. I am so sorry cause that's one thing I wouldn't even think of doing and to make you think that I would leave you. That I hate you or that I am bearing you. I-I,” Lan Zhan’s breath stutters as he looks up at Wei Wuxian whose eyes are stinging, turning glassy, “I have never hated you. I have loved you since high school. I have loved you before I even understood what love means. Today… today was not supposed to be like this,” Lan Zhan’s eyes are filled with guilt and Wei Wuxian can see tears shining in them too, and his heart squeezes. “It was supposed to be perfect. I was going to take you to the restaurant where I first realised that I actually loved and liked spending time with you even though the food there was terrible, and then I was going to bring you here, and ask you to… I was going to propose to you...”

 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian gasps and Lan Zhan looks at him with eyes that are filled with hope, love and nervousness.

 

“But I-I, I r-ruined it. I didn’t even realise that I was hurting you and ignoring you while trying to plan this proposal. I never intended to hurt you like that, Wei Ying, trust me. I love you, with my everything. You are the most precious person to me in the world. The only person who will ever have my heart and my soul. I can never think of anyone else. I always want to be with you. I want to go to sleep with you everyday and wake up next to you everyday. I want to live all the dreams you have dreamed along with you,” Wei Wuxian’s eyes widens as something suddenly hits the back of his mind. This apartment! 

 

Oh my, God. Wei Wuxian had told Lan Zhan when they were just friends that he wanted to live with his partner in a cozy aesthetic apartment that’s probably near their work and then maybe when they finally were older with a kid and all they could move to a bigger house more towards the outskirts with a backyard and all. And Lan Zhan remembered. He rememebers Wei Ying’s stupid corny life dreams and he wants to live them with him, he is freaking making one of them come true!!! Tears of love and happiness instead of sorrow are now streaming down his cheeks, and Wei Wuxian has to cover his mouth with his fist so he is not gasping and sobbing too loud. 

 

Lan Zhan has already pulled out a small blue velvet box in which sat a simple platinum band with intricate designs that looked like clouds carved into it. He has also shifted do that he is only on one knee now. “So will you marry me, Wei Ying? Even… even if I have seem to mess this proposal up, will you let me be a part of your life. Let me love you and hold you and stand by you?”

 

Oh God. Wei Wuxian is going to die. He is. In fact he thinks he has already ascended cause this can’t be true. He must be dreaming. Lan Zhan wants to marry him. He is proposing Wei Wixian!!! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Seeing the lack of response from Wei Wuxian Lan Zhan face starts to fall. Wei Wuxian’s crying face half covered with his hands doesn’t make anything much clear either. So he shouts the words that have been bubbling in his throat since Lan Zhan proposed, “YES! YES! YES! YES LAN ZHAN! OMG YES! I WILL MARRY YOU AND I WILL LOVE YOU AND WE WILL LIVE OUR DREAM TOGETHER FOREVER!” 

 

Lan Zhan’s face brightens and he stands on his feet before sliding the ring on his ring finger. Wei Wuxian is grinning as Lan Zhan pulls him in a tight hug that feels like home. “Ahhh Lan Zhan, if marrying you means staying like this forever, then let’s get married tomorrow!”

 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agrees, pulling back a little and looking at Wei Wuxian with his own eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I love you, Wei Ying. So much! And I will make sure you feel like that alway. Forgive me for last week, baby.”

 

Wei Wuxian laughs merrily at his fiancé’s words, his heart fluttering and beating wildly in his chest. Fiancé. My fiancé. Lan Zhan is my fiancé! Wow! “Oye Lan Zhan, don’t you remember? There is no need of sorry or thank you between us. I love you too, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian professes as he leans closer, brushing their lips together, “Always and forever.”

 

Lan Zhan smiles, a full smile, so beautiful and so ethereal, that it blinds Wei Ying as if he is directly looking at the Sun. He doesn’t get much time to process one of the rare wonders of the world as the next moment, Lan Zhan swoops in, grabs Wei Wuxian by the waist and kisses him on the lips. 

 

The kiss starts out slow and passionate, all the feelings of last week and today translating in the kiss, an apology, a thank you, a confession, a proposal, the acceptance. It's sweet and it feels like Wei Wuxian could do this forever. Honestly he could do anything with Lan Zhan forever.  

 

They pull away from the kiss for a breath, their foreheads against each other before Lan Zhan starts kissing Wei Wuxian’s forehead, and then his eyes and then his cheeks before going over and nibbling on his left ear like a rabbit. “I hope Wei Ying never thinks of himself as a burden to me or his family or friends, cause he is precious and amazing and beautiful.”

 

Wei Wuxian gasps as Lan Zhan captures his lips again, this time more urgent and passionate, biting his lips and grabbing his hips to pull him flush against his own chest. Lan Zhan bites his lips again, harder, causing him to moan and letting Lan Zhan’s tongue meet his. Their tongues dance together, fighting for dominance, but eventually Lan Zhan wins, kissing Wei Wuxian as if that’s the only thing he has left to do in this world. 

 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian gasps as Lan Zhan’s mouth leaves his own and travels down the side of his jaw down to his neck, leaving soft kisses and bites, “Bed, please, I need you. I-I--”

 

“Wei Ying, let me take care of you tonight,” Lan Zhan says, hushing him with another slow but sensual kiss and lifting him, causing Wei Wuxian to wrap his legs around his waist. Lan Zhan squeezes the ass under his palm softly as he carries Wei Wuxian out of the balcony and to the bed in the room. Lan Zhan sits on the bed, Wei Wuxian in his lap and continues kissing him, his hands embracing him by his waist. On any other day, they would have been much more aggressive, kissing each other with a lot more fervor with Wei Wuxian already being thrown in the bed as Lan Zhan undressed him. But today is all about slow, gentle kisses that only leaves Wei Wuxian breathless every time Lan Zhan pulls away to kiss some other part of him.

 

Finally listening to the little impatient whines and moans Wei Wuxian let out every once in a while as they made out for what felt like hours, Lan Zhan removes the red jacket that is still on Wei Wuxian and drops it on the floor besides the bed and then he turns them around and lays Wei Wuxian on his back before climbing over him and gazing at him with heated eyes that are so full of love, Wei Wuxian feels like crying in gratitude. “Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying whispers, his right palm stroking his lover’s cheek lovingly, before moving down to push Lan Zhan’s white jacket off, “Please, I love you so much, I’ve missed you so much.”

 

“Missed Wei Ying too,” Lan Zhan smiles, leaning down and kissing his forehead before letting Wei Wuxian remove and discard his jacket. To Wei Wuxian’s relief, Lan Zhan doesn’t waste time in pushing Wei Wuxian’s t-shirt over his head and throwing them away to join the piling clothes by the bed. “Beautiful,” Lan Zhan mumbles as he leans down to kiss Wei Wuxian collarbone, his tongue swiping at the skin as if he is tasting it. His kisses travel everywhere on the newly exposed skin and soon there is not an inch of skin left on Wei Wuxian’s upper body that Lan Zhan has not kissed or licked or bit, leaving Wei Wuxian to only close his eyes and enjoy the kisses. They are able to discard the other clothes between all their kissing and now lie on the bed in only their boxers. Their hair was also open, Wei Wuxian’s spread out on the bed, and Lan Zhan’s falling down his shoulders and brushing against Wei Wuxian’s bare skin.

 

Wei Wuxian feels Lan Zhan’s erection rub against his own as the other moves to settle comfortably between his legs. Wei Wuxian grinds against Lan Zhan, wanting some relief. Lan Zhan indulges him with a small smirk as he slides Wei Wuxian’s boxers down revealing his cock which was hard and already leaking a bit of precum. Lan Zhan slides his own boxers off, before going back to Wei Wuxian and kissing down his abdomen till he reaches his trail of hair leading to his cock. “So beautiful,” Lan Zhan sighs as he kisses the tip of his cock and swipes his tongue on the head licking the beads of precum he was leaking.

 

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian moans, his cock hardening even more and face flushing. Lan Zhan picks up the lube he had removed from the pocket of his pants and placed on the bed, and squeezes some of it on Wei Wuxian’s hole. Wei Wuxian hisses out a moan as a finger starts circling his rim, spreading the lube before pushing inside. It has been a while since they have had any sex, so he is tighter than usual, making the stretch all the more delicious. Wei Wuxian’s own hands are roaming on Lan Zhan’s body, feeling the muscles under them. 

 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan hums, adding another finger, “Love it so much when Wei Ying is so tight.”

 

Wei Wuxian can only blush as he bucks his hips up trying to get more friction to his hard cock and at the same time have the fingers inside him deeper. His hands on Lan Zhan’s biceps tighten and all he can think of is wanting more, more, more. Lan Zhan’s other hand comes to his hips to steady him before moving his hand towards Wei Wuxian’s cock and stroking it slowly. God, Wei Wuxian is going to die if this continues. A third finger is added, and all Wei Wuxian wants now is Lan Zhan’s cock instead of his fingers. “Lan Zhan, please, I-I, I can’t wait anymore, please!” 

 

“Anything for my Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, taking his finger out, leaving Wei Wuxian feeling empty. He picks the lube again and squeezes some into his palm before stroking his hard leaking cock, slicking it up with lube and his precum.

 

“Lan Zhan! You can’t just say such things!” Wei Wuxian whines, his breath hitching and heart fluttering too wildly for his own good both because of his words and because Lan Zhan’s cock looks so big, beautiful, hard and standing proudly between his legs, and damn it has been too damn long since Wei Wuxian has seen it. 

 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan smiles, before lacing his fingers with Wei Wuxian’s and pinning his hands above his head. Wei Wuxian smiles excitedly, lifting his legs and wrapping them around other’s waist as Lan Zhan curls over him, lightly pressing his cock to Wei Wuxian’s waiting hole. 

 

Wei Wuxian lifts his head, and kisses Lan Zhan, as Lan Zhan slowly presses his cock into him. On any other day, Lan Zhan would have gone right in, hard and fast, hardly giving Wei Wuxian anytime to adjust before setting an unbelievably fast pace. But today he was slow, taking his time to fully sheathe himself. The couple moan as Lan Zhan is finally inside him fully, his hips finally meeting Wei Wuxian’s ass. 

 

Lan Zhan smiles, leaning down, and placing a soft, too soft kiss on Wei Wuxian’s lips. “Beautiful… so beautiful… my Wei Ying… mine.”

 

Lan Zhan’s words are punctuated with shallow slow thrusts that only leaves Wei Wuxian begging and melting into the embrace of his lover. “Yours,” Wei Wuxian replies gasping as Lan Zhan’s hips met his ass, their fingers lacing tighter, “Just like how you’re mine, my amazing Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian was feeling too much. Having this amazing, amazing man, above him, treating him with so much care, it just makes him choke on emotions he never knew he could feel to this intensity. Love, love, love. It is so overwhelming, that it leaves Wei Wuxian a gasping, moaning mess as he chokes back the sob that almost rakes through him.

 

Lan Zhan untangles their fingers and withdraws his cock, making Wei Wuxian whine. Leaning forward, Lan Zhan wraps Wei Wuxian’s legs tighter and higher up his back, causing the other to grip his shoulder in support. His hands then trace Wei Wuxian’s abdomen, his arms, his face, before settling on the bed, besides his shoulders and caging him in and holding himself up so as to not crush Wei Wuxian. He kisses Wei Wuxian, before pushing his cock back in, harder, faster and deeper. His pace this time is much quicker and harder, making Wei Wuxian’s fingers dig into his strong shoulders. 

 

“Ahh!” Wei Wuxian moans in pleasure as Lan Zhan hits the spot over and over again, pushing Wei Wuxian closer and closer to his release. Wei Wuxian’s hold turns bruising on Lan Zhan’s shoulder as Lan Zhan’s hand finds Wei Wuxian’s cock and strokes it. Lan Zhan moans himself as Wei Wuxian clenches tighter around him. 

 

His lips find Wei Wuxian’s ear as he bites at the shell before whispering, “Come for me, Wei Ying.”

 

Wei Wuxian trembles, pleasure reaching its peak as his body tenses, vision going white, toes curling, and back arching as his orgasm sweeps through him. Lan Zhan thrusts a few more times, before he is coming, too, inside Wei Wuxian. 

 

Lan Zhan continues kissing him tenderly on his face as he pulls out his now soft cock. With a last kiss on Wei Wuxian’s forehead, he gets off the bed and goes into the bathroom. He returns not a minute later with a slightly damp towel and walks over to Wei Wuxian, who was not laying on the bed, covered in cum but glowing happily. 

 

“That was amazing, Lan Zhan! So beautiful!” Wei Wuxian grins as the other wipes their sticky spend off him. 

 

“It was,” Lan Zhan agrees and finishes cleaning Wei Wuxian up before getting into the bed besides Wei Ying. Wei Wuxian’s grin brightens as Lan Zhan pulls him into his embrace, tucking his head below his chin, his face pressed to Lan Zhan’s chest. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Zhanzhan,” Wei Wuxian snuggles closer, inhaling the musky scent mixed with the smell of sandalwood his lover was currently smelling like, “Can’t wait to start living in this beautiful place with you. It’s perfect!”

 

“I’m glad you like it. I like it too,” Lan Zhan smiles, feeling proud of himself. He was making Wei Ying happy! “I like it when wei Ying is happy,” He adds, wanting to make sure Wei Ying understood how much he meant to Lan Zhan! 

 

Wei Wuxian’s heart skips a beat at those words and something so warm spreads through his chest that he feels like he will never feel cold again. Not when Lan Zhan’s arms are around him like they are now. “Lan Zhan, you saying words like that will be the death of me seriously,” Wei Wuxian complains lightly, yawning, exhaustion of his worry of the week finally kicking in. 

 

“Won’t let Wei Ying die,” Lan Zhan promises, “Now, sleep.”

 

Wei Wuxian wants to say more, speak about when they are going to marry, and how are they going to split for the apartment (cause no way he is letting Lan Zhan pay for the whole thing! He wants to make this place home and home is when two people build it together, maybe he could decorate the apartment and buy all the furniture?) and so many more things. But right now, everything was too perfect, too amazing, to have a talk about the future. So Wei Wuxian hums in content and shuts his eyes, letting the warmth of his Lan Zhan surrounding him lull him to much needed sleep.