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Storm & Sea

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John would still never get used to waking up with two sets of legs entwined with his.

After a lifetime of ducking committed relationships and only waking up with regret, loneliness or whatever stranger he’d picked up the night before, now he had two constant bodies to keep him warm. True that Sweeney didn’t always stop by but John was rather used to having that ginger beard tickling the back of his neck while he slept now.

You were still curled facing him and he could feel the steady breaths against his chest as you were deep in sleep. He watched your peaceful face for a while before turning a little as Sweeney nestled in further into the crook of his neck.

John stretched out, relishing the ache in his abdomen from another wild night with you two. He was seriously getting some great core workouts with all the shagging and he was nearly on his way to being as lean as the warrior leprechaun right next to him.

Your phone started ringing and broke the quiet moment as you blearily reached over to grab it.

“Tell ‘em to fuck off,” Sweeney grumbles. “Too early.”

“It’s 1pm,” you look at the screen.

“Too early,” Sweeney grunts again.

“We had a late one to be fair,” John laughs. “Answer it, luv.”

“Hello?” you answer the call. “Oh hey, Papa. What’s up?”

John rolls his eyes. Papa Midnite had been calling a lot on your services lately and by extension, John’s. He sometimes wondered just how much money the Voodoo priest had to keep throwing it at you for investigative help.

“Yeah….uh huh…..well why would you care? You’re an ocean away? Oh, oh right I see. Potion ingredients. So I’m just a glorified errand girl?” you huff as you turn back into the threeway cuddle. “I’m going to need hazard pay, Papa. I don’t like getting cold…..yes I’ll be taking the other two….oh fine. John, Midnite wants to talk.”

John takes the phone, holding it to his ear, “What’s this about getting cold?”

“It’s a job in the Outer Hebrides,” Midnite seems very shirty. “I just need some Storm Kelpie glands for my work. I can’t imagine you’re all flushed with jobs right now, Hell has been relatively quiet.”

“Lucky that,” John quips and he feels Sweeney start laughing silently next to him.

“I forgot how much I hate talking to you, Constantine. Get it done. You know my word is good and my coin helps bankroll your time off with her and the god.”

“Can you not send some interesting jobs our way? I feel like a bloody alchemist with all this ingredient collecting.”

“Do you want to eat or not? Sounds like you’re working up quite the appetite.”

“And you sound mighty jealous, Midnite.”

“Oh please. Your hedonistic lifestyle doesn’t interest me.”

“Doesn’t it now? Think I don’t know you’d love to shag me missus given the chance?”

“She’s not yours, Constantine. She belongs to the god. You just….borrow her.”

Sweeney plucks the phone from John’s hand, “He does more than that. I’ve seen it……yeah……alright Voodoo master, we’ll get you your ingredients.”

John starts nuzzling into you, hand diving between your legs that are welcomely warm and still slick from the early morning activities. You give him a wide eyed look for a moment but he just whispers.

“If Midnite wants to be a prick about it, he can hear you and try to deny he wouldn’t love to have you under him.”

“You are terrible!” you hiss but you’re grinning.

“Don’t get getting shy on me now, lass. That won’t do. I love that you’re a deviant like me.”

His fingers started crooking into you whilst the pad of his thumb brushed lightly over that little sweet spot that made you whimper. It wasn’t long before you were making louder noises, bucking against his hand for more friction.

“That’s it,” John encourages.

“Midnite says you’re both childish,” Sweeney leans over to get a good look. “But he’s not hung up….oh really? Well if you’re that offended, why are you still on the line?”

John watches you bite your lip to keep the laugh at bay. It’s frankly adorable.

Sweeney keeps talking to Midnite as he gets up, coming to the other side of you and John leaves him the task of stuffing you to the brim with his thick fingers as John turns himself upside against your body and begins to use his tongue on you in tandem.

The moans are getting even more blatant, coupled with the wet sounds gradually get noisier. John was sure Midnite could hear them by now.

“Oh he’s gone very quiet,” Sweeney laughs. “I hope ya give the poor girl a tip for this free porn, Midnite. Come on now, lasslin’, dedicate this one to me so we got a healthy start on this next mission.”

“Suibhne!” you cum with a shout that has you bucking off the bed but John’s bodyweight is mostly pinning you down. “John!”

It was sweet you always remembered to say his name, even when you were dedicating your pleasure to your patron god. Means he never felt left out if Sweeney was in town.

He looked up to watch Sweeney’s skin glitter again for a moment before he hung up on Midnite, booming with laughter. John just righted himself before coming up to kiss you briefly.

“And?” John prompts. “What did he say?”

“Not what he said but what he accidentally did,” Sweeney languishes back. “Just after the girl came, I heard something say 'recordin’ complete’ and then a lot of panicking.”

“Oh I bet. Told ya he had a thing for ya,” John nudges you.

“I knew that the second he got weird about me saying Papa,” you wink before getting up and going to the bathroom. “Anyway boys, thanks for the morning wake up call.”

“And what about us, you cheeky mare?” John protests.

“You have each other,” you point between him and Sweeney. “A girl needs to get ready. It’s going to be a long journey and I need to find warm waterproof clothes.”

You disappeared next door as John and Sweeney just looked at each other.

“We’ll get her back for that later,” Sweeney shrugs. “I know yer good at denying her. I’m always shite at it. I cave with the begging too easy.”

“You’re much better at the manhandling though,” John concedes. “Speaking a’ which. Help a guy out? Watching her cum like that doesn’t half get me worked up.”

“Come on then, pretty boy. Let’s do some worshipping ourselves,” Sweeney pulls him into his side, hand roaming down to John’s hard cock.

Taking control was never an option with the giant leprechaun but John was gradually getting used to it. The more it happened, the more the bond solidified between the two and the more irresistible John found Sweeney, a by-product of inadvertently becoming his priest.

He knew the exact moment you’d come back because there was a little purr and he opened his eyes to see you watching from the vanity table as you got ready.

“Oh no, boy-o. Don’t look at her, look at me,” Sweeney chuckles, gripping John’s chin and forcing his gaze back. “Just you and me here.”

“Oh fuck,” John moans as he gets closer to the peak, staring into those intense golden eyes.

“Give it to me, your pleasure,” Sweeney growls in his ear, biting at the lobe.

And so he does, with a stuttered groan and a lot of mess.

“I’m surprised you’ve got anything left in the tank after last night,” you remark, fully dressed now.

“I’m just that good,” Sweeney grins before lumbering off to shower.

“He is, you know,” you shrug before sitting down on the bed next to John.

“Oi, you’re doing nothing for me ego here, lass,” he frowns.

“You’re good too.”

“I’m better than good. I’m bloody brilliant. Midnite even immortalised it in a recording.”

“Speaking of which,” you turn your phone so he can see your banking app.

There, along with your usual fee, was an extra bonus with the comment:

For my sweet voiced investigator. I’d prefer a private encore sometime.


The journey to the tip of Scotland was miserably cold.

Even in the heated car, the gloom from outside just seemed to penetrate and wash everything in a cold grey light. I was in the backseat furthest away from the heaters because Sweeney needed the leg room more than I did. John was driving, muttering swear words every time he had to change the windscreen wiper speed to see in the rain.

“I’m only going to accept warm jobs from Midnite next time,” I cuddle myself, trying to keep  warm.

“Also stipulate dry,” Sweeney glances over his shoulder. “Storm Kelpies are not really famous for being on land.”

“You mean I’m getting soaked me to kecks soon?” John grimaces. “Fantastic…”

“Keep your talismans from me close to hand. They’ll help retain your body heat.”

I clutch the torc around my neck that John jokingly keeps calling a godly fetish collar and notice I feel a lot toastier when I do. In turn, John pats the necklace with one of Sweeney’s coins melted onto a chain.

When we got to the docks to go across the strait of Minch, I was already wet through. The rain was coming down harder than ever and the harbourmaster just looked at us as if we were demented to be going out at a time like this.

“Wait until mornin’!” he desperately tries to stop John going in the boat he’d rented. “Ya cannae be that mental, ya mad cunt?!”

“Look, I got places to be. You’ve got me credit card to charge to if this thing capsizes and I’ll sign any document you want about extra compo for the emotional stress a’ watching me drown. Now can you just let me go, mate?”

“The English, I swear,” the harbourmaster shakes his head. “I’ll nae get over how fucked in the heed y'all are.”

To be honest, even though I was there with a magus and a god of luck, even I was wondering whether this was such a good idea. The sea looked vicious as the choppy waves battered over each other and the rumble in the distance illuminated the clouds with flickering light.

“Best time for it,” Sweeney pats me on the shoulder. “Means the Kelpies are kicking off n’ on the surface. No one will have to dive in.”

“Can’t they sink us though?” I climb aboard the boat and already feel unstable with how it’s bobbing up and down. “Oh no, no I’m not good with this.”

“Don’t chunder on me, lass,” John helps me sit down, gingerly keeping me at arm’s length. “If you need to puke, do it over the side.”

It was very hard to keep my motorway services breakfast down when just when I’d adjusted to the rise and fall of the boat, a rogue wave would send it slightly horizontal. I’m sure I looked extremely ill to the other two.

“Do you have any bloody clue how to sail?” John asks Sweeney, the hair that was poking out of his hood already plastered to his face.

“Fuck me,” Sweeney barges him out of the way with a disappointed sigh. “Modern men really have lost a’ lotta skills.”

“Oi! Just because I were learnin’ magic rather than nautical knots doesn’t mean it weren’t useful,” John grumbles.

“Stick to what yer best at Johnny,” Sweeney pats him on the backside. “The occult n’ sex. Let Ol’ Sweeney do most of the practical stuff.”

So John joins me, hugging my body to his for warmth as he mutters pissed off words about feeling embarrassed by his lack of talents. I just squeeze his thigh sympathetically.

“That’s why this works so well. It’s a tandem relationship,” I remind him. “He can’t do things you can with magic and quick wit and I boost his power whilst sharing his own.”

“Oh I know, luv but he can be a condescending ginger fuckface sometimes. I’m allowed to be narked off occasionally with some I love. We’ve had some grand bust ups in our time after all.”

“Love, is it?” I tease.

He gives me a weird look before kissing my cold forehead, “Yes, you stupid bint. Love. I’ve loved you for years and even though he’s a disaster, I love that big'un n’ all.”

You’re one to talk about disasters.”

“Then I don’t know why you put up with us both.”

“Love,” I sass him back and he just jabs me playfully in the side.

We’re further out now, right into the Minch and the storm is even more vicious here. John and I have long since half lashed ourselves to the mast as Sweeney sails on, russet hair a dark red mess as the salt spray hits him but bellowing out into the thunder all the same.

“There!” John shouts, pointing and I see something blue against the grey of the sea quickly dip from sight. “They know we’re here now.”

“Y'what?!” I hear Sweeney shouting as he’s looking at something. “Hey! Stop that!”

There’s a bang as something hits the boat hard and it rolls on the keel for a moment. I cling onto the rope to stop myself from falling into the water and John flattens himself against the mast.

Another bang that judders throughout the whole vessel and it’s so forceful that my hand slips off the wet rope and I go flying backwards, straight into the icy sea. All the breath is stolen from me as not even the torc can stop the needle like cold from penetrating my body.

I flounder in the water, trying to figure out which way is up, before desperately kicking and just before my burning lungs give out, before my vision starts blackening, I break the surface and manage to take in a shaky breath whilst half inhaling sea water.

“LASS!” John’s swimming over to me and I start trying to close the gap but he suddenly vanishes under the waves, arms flailing in surprise.

“JOHN!” I cry, reaching the spot where he’d disappeared and diving down.

It’s hard to see in the gloom with the salt stinging my eyes but I make out John fighting with a blue looking humanoid as it tries to drag him further down. I can’t use any magic that has verbal spells so I have to resort to tapping into Sweeney’s luck and trying to wrench the Storm Kelpie from John.

I manage to thrust my hand into what I think is a gill and it bares its teeth at me before backing off. I grab John by the wrist and swim hard for the surface as I can feeling him weakening in my grip.

“Breathe!” I grab his face as we breach once more. “John! Breathe!”

Sweeney’s alongside us, the boat having broken into useless pieces of timber as he treads water, “Is he alright?!”

“I think he swallowed a lungful!” I panic that John’s still not opened his eyes yet. “Brace on his chest like a Heimlich and I’ll get some air into him.”

I pinch John’s nose, creating a seal over his mouth and gently blow air there before Sweeney balls his fists around John’s torso and presses over his heart in a rhythm. I could feel the amount of luck I was pouring into this, enough to drain most of the golden aura that surrounded my god.

“Oh come on, this is not how the great John Constantine goes out!” I’m getting beside myself as I can feel something stalking us below and know it’s only a matter of time before the Kelpies try to attack us again. “Breathe, you fucking imbecile!”

With one last jolt from Sweeney, John starts coughing up sea water but it’s tinged with blood and I know we have to get out of this situation very soon so he can heal.

“To the shore, lasslin’!” Sweeney points at the little beach on an island close by. “I’ll take him. Go first.”

I check to make sure John is cognisant enough to hold onto Sweeney’s back first before setting off. I don’t like the sensation though that I’m being hunted, that something is matching my movements a few feet underneath me.

I was exposed, horizontal and soft parts bared, easy to rip open if a Kelpie decided to strike but instead I saw blue streaks pop up from the water, torsos above the storming surface as they blocked the path.

“You’re ours. You belong to us. You’re in our waters,” the chieftain says in a ragged and husked voice. “You will go no further.”

“You haven’t even done the poem thing yet!” I yell.

I had no idea if the myths about Kelpies doing pseudo poetry battles were true or not but it was the only thing I could think of to try and delay whatever horrible fate they had in store for us.

The chieftain’s mouth twitches into a close lipped smirk, “Very good, child of land. You speak for your people?”

“Yes I speak for them,” I say quickly before Sweeney can protest.

He has enough on his plate bearing John safely at the minute.

“Children of the land, what do you say as your ship lies tattered in brine?” the Chieftain starts.

Sweeney’s hand comes on my shoulder, pouring the last of his luck reserves into me just before I answer, “We’re seeking a way, o’ great Kelpie chief, to look for something that’s thine.”

“Thine?” Sweeney mutters. “Good shout.”

“And what is this thing that belongs to me, that you risk life and limb to attain?” the Chieftain swims closer.

“Something that’s only found in the sea, in fact it is found in your brain.”

“A threat is it now that you wish to make, do you think I shall die for your needs?”

“That is not how we wish to partake, to fulfil our contracted deeds.”

“Child of the land, if I offer my dead, will you never come back to my sea?”

“I swear on my head, if I break this deal hence, you can do what you want to with me.”

“Then take our dear fallen, but leave us the corpse on the beach you see right behind, gather your needs and leave this place soon, we’ve no great big love for your kind.”

The Chieftain bows before escorting us to the beach before switching to more normal conversation as his warriors bring a body onto the shore, “We know we are useful to magic users. You are not the first to come here. You are the first to be so quick witted, though. We shall allow this only once. Do not take more than is necessary.”

“I understand,” I nod.

“How you get back to the mainland is your issue henceforth,” the Chieftain walks backwards into the water. “But our end of the bargain is done.”

The storm seems to recede as he sinks back into the grey gloom and I bolt away from the dead Kelpie to find Sweeney sticking his fingers down John’s throat to help him vomit up more sea water. At least he’s more conscious now.

“Fantastic job, mo mhuirnín,” Sweeney kisses my cheek. “Sorry I couldn’t be of more use. Underestimated how much luck I’d need today. Should’ve fucked ya both properly before we came out.”

“It’s fine, just keep John alive over there. He’ll need to portal us back off this island,” I take the sheathed knife out of my zipped jacket pocket and begin cutting into the skull of the Kelpie. “Midnite can fuck off if he thinks I’m ever doing this again.”

I manage to cut out the gland, stuffing it into a ziploc bag before pushing the body out into the water and watching it be reclaimed by its brothers and sisters from the deep.

John was still dazed but he managed to drop us back at the original harbour through a portal that snapped shut the second his other foot was free of it. He was tired, I could see that but we needed to press on.

“Sweeney, you drive,” I take John’s weight and put him in the back seat so he can stretch out before getting in the passenger seat.

We’re all tired though and my leprechaun is nearly passing out on the steering wheel. Feasibly we could all sleep here for a while but I needed to get the gland to Midnite quickly.

I had to dive my hand down my skin tight trousers that were stuck to me and start playing with myself, dedicating it to Sweeney. I was so exhausted, bone deep exhausted but I could at least do this for my god.

“Suibhne,” I make soft little noises, the best I could force out of my ravaged throat as I worked myself towards a climax.

There was nothing fancy about this, nothing grandiose. It was just quick and dirty but quick and dirty, as I found out when I came a few minutes later, was what Sweeney needed to shake his head and start glowing a little again.

“Rest, my girl,” he brushes my hair back. “You’ve done beautifully. I’ll get us the rest a’ the way home.”

I passed out against the window for the rest of the journey.


Midnite was waiting for us when we returned and I don’t know how he could stand being in such summery clothes in this weather but he looked a bit startled upon seeing us half limping, half carrying each other to the threshold of the door.

“I take it things didn’t go according to plan?” he tsks.

John takes a swing for him but he’s too tired to make it connect and I have to yank him away.

“No they fucking did not, you great fucking pillock!” John snarls. “I nearly drowned!”

“But you didn’t though,” Midnite is plainly amused. “Well done. I did forget to mention I’d already sent two parties after that gland before you three. None of them came back.”

“Would’ve been nice to know,” even I’m annoyed and Midnite looks a little hurt that he’s upset me. “I’ve got a fear of drowning.”

“Oh, my poor little one,” Midnite gathers my barely dry body to him. “I wouldn’t call you unless I had to for something that dangerous. Monsters on land is one thing, monsters in the ocean is another entirely but you are the best I know.”

“Oi, remove yer hands from my priestess,” Sweeney points, slinging every bag of ours into the corner of the house. “Perverted cunt.”

“I could hardly be accused of being perverted when you so blatantly wanted me to hear,” Midnite shoots back. “Let me have the ingredient now, little one and I’ll leave you to your men.”

I put the ziploc bag in his hand and he smiles before kissing my forehead.

“I’ll give you an extra bonus. My coffers have gotten unexpectedly larger since my expansion in Illinois. Look for it in your bank account.”

“Thanks Papa.”

He stiffens in the embrace before moving away, “You should really stop that, child. One day I might make good on your teasing.”

“And on that day you’ll belong to me,” Sweeney tips his head. “Fancy that, voodoo master?”

“Being part of a temple with John Constantine?” Midnite sneers, looking at the bedraggled Scouser who’s crashed out on the sofa. “I’d rather make a doll of myself and stick pins in it.”

“Can happily do that for you, mate,” John calls, his voice half muffled by cushions. “Now stop sniffing around me bird and sod off so I can sleep some more.”

“Non pleasure as always, John, Sweeney” Midnite rolls his eyes before stroking my cheek. “Somewhere warmer next time, little one. I promise.”

And he steps back into the alleyway which has become foggy out of nowhere and his footsteps just cease to echo any more.

I get into the house, stripping my cold, salt encrusted clothing off and shivering. Sweeney has to pick John up and carry him into the bedroom where we all climb into the bed naked, clinging to each other to try and warm our frozen bodies.

“I would suggest fucking for heat but I’m so cold I think me cock’s missing now,” John’s teeth are chattering.

“Let me help,” Sweeney rolls into the middle, pulling us both in.

He always radiated warmth like the sun and gradually I stopped shaking as he cradled me into his chest.

“Thank you,” I lean up to kiss him and he accepts with ready happiness.

“Not about to let my worshippers suffer. Kinda addicted to the prayer by now too,” he jokes before turning to look at John who’s reached up to kiss him too.

“You two were brilliant,” John sighs. “I were a bloody mess. I’m supposed to be the sharp one and here I was leaving you to do all the poetry on the fly, lass.”

“You were half dead,” I reason. “Scared me, you know.”

“I’m just fine, luv. You know me. More lives than an army a’ cats,” he gives a lopsided smile. “Healed meself before I passed out in the car. Did manage to catch your nice little display though in the front seat.”

“Oh shut up, it needed to be done,” I nuzzle into Sweeney’s shoulder more as the leprechaun rests his head on mine, soft beard against my skin.

“I tell ya what needs to be done if you’re up for it, now we’re not gonna get frostbite,” John’s eyes are glittering in that mischievous way.


“Our god hasn’t had any fun today and since he drained himself trying to save our sorry arses, let’s make sure he’s healthy…if you get my drift.”

“Yer both fucked. Don’t expend energy on…..oh fuckin’ hell,” Sweeney moans as I bite gently at his neck and John dives under the covers and from the stuttered gasp that Sweeney makes, I imagine John’s using his mouth right now.  “Yer know what? Do what you want with me.”

And when I slipped down to join John as we both used our lips and tongue to give our god his proper libation, when he came with a loud groan and we cleaned up his offering between us, when we all fell over each other in a final exhaustion, I was really glad Midnite had called me about the Dullahan all those months ago.

“I love you,” I drowsily say to them both.

“We love you too,” John murmurs, because Sweeney’s already fallen asleep. “Sleep well, darlin’.”