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Patrick had two chairs set up facing the front cashwrap, and a chair and table for Stevie and the laptop to the side. David was fretting around behind him, carefully curating the background (i.e. the store’s usual displays). “David, everything looks perfect.”

“This’ll be the first time your fans are seeing your store,” David said. “Our store. I just want to make a good impression.”

“They already think you’re some kind of fae prince, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

Fae prince?” David said, rearing back with a grin. “What is this, ‘Midsummer Nights’ Dream?’”

Stevie was booting up the laptop while Patrick checked the positioning on his phone, set on a tripod on top of the front desk. David was still...flitting, his hands and arms in restless motion. Patrick finally went up to him, seized his elbows, and made them be still. “You don’t have to be nervous. You’re used to public events like this, aren’t you?”

“Only on my own! I only had to worry about making a fool of myself, and I didn’t even mind that much if I did.” He ducked his chin down. “I just don’t want to embarrass you. This is your thing, and your fans. I want to make a good impression.”

“Well, you look amazing,” he said, and he did. David was wearing tight leather pants (Patrick’s favorite pair, in fact) and that one drapey body-skimming black top that fell past his hips. Patrick leaned in and kissed him below the ear, his favorite spot. “I can’t wait to show you off,” he murmured. “They’ve all been wondering for so long, now they get to see the kind of man I landed.”

“Oh, so this is an ego trip for you, then?” David said, but he was barely holding back a grin.

“Damn right.”

“And I'm just, what… just your arm candy, is that it?”

“You love it.”

David sighed theatrically. “Yeah, I do. Okay, how are we going to do this?”

 


 

[livestream opens on Patrick, sitting on a chair near the front of the Apothecary. Another chair, empty, is at his side. Just visible on the right is Stevie, on a laptop]

Patrick: Hello, everyone! I’m Patrick! Welcome to my first livestream…[low] is it doing it?

Stevie: Yep. Online. Oh wow, we’ve got...uh...1238 people watching already. They say “hello” in a variety of ways, some of them...kinda inappropriate, actually.

P: Inappropriate?

Stevie: [leans in and glares at the camera] You people are filthy!

P: Everyone, this is our friend Stevie. She’s going to be monitoring the chat and pulling questions and also, apparently, getting scandalized, and we have a few other questions from the comments on the last video. So hello!

S: You said that already.

P: Oh right. I’m not used to working without a script. [laughs nervously]

S: Move it along, Patrick.

P: Right. Well, I guess...let’s get to the main event. I promised you guys a special guest, and here...uh, here he is. [looks to his right]

[David moves into frame, then sits down next to Patrick and crosses one leg over the other. He looks into the camera, a little bashfully, and smiles]

P: [reaches down and intertwines their fingers.] Everyone, this is...this is my David. David, this is everyone.

D: [with a wave] Hello, fans of Patrick! I feel like we must already have a connection because I, too, am a fan of Patrick. In fact I think I should get to be your king, or something. King of the Fans of Patrick.

S: Oh, holy...fuck.

P: What? What are they saying?

S: Um...many, many things. I don’t think I should repeat them. David’s ego is healthy enough as it is.

 

  • I’m sobbing. “My David.” YES HE IS THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR DAVID CAN HE PLEASE BE OUR DAVID TOO
  • i can’t believe we’re finally seeing The Mysterious David and he really exists and he’s wearing leather pants goodbye friends i am dead
  • oh no he’s hot
  • this is...not what i expected, i thought he’d be like a slightly remixed version of patrick or maybe a small town academic but definitely not this east village anna wintour vampire man
  • they look like a set of salt and pepper shakers
    • ...oh my god that’s what it is
  • MY CROPS ARE WATERED, MY SKIN IS CLEAR, THE MYSTERIOUS DAVID IS A SNACK
  • holy shitballs what the fuck town do they live in where everyone is so fucking attractive, their laptop friend is gorgeous too
  • apparently another one of Patrick’s many skills is Extreme Heart-Eyes
    • “Hi, I’m Patrick, in this video I will show you how to gaze adoringly at your husband.”
  • why did I think he’d be smaller than patrick. he is not.
    • I mean, patrick did describe him as “tall, dark and handsome” in the marriage video
      • actual facts are no match for my headcanons, peasant
  • is that a rick owens tunic?? TMD is #fashiongoals
    • those are rick owens high-tops he’s wearing, too.
      • so patrick married a runway model is what we’re learning today
  • help i’m in love with him already. i for one welcome our new David overlord.

 

D: It’s ok, I’ll read the chat transcript later. [to the camera] So, everyone in town loves Patrick...well, almost everyone…but I was amazed to find out he had so many fans all over the world!

P: I think at least half of the appeal was you and your mysteriousness.

D: I’m not mysterious, I’m a goddamned parade.

P: That is...one way to put it.

D: Before we answer questions, Patrick suggested I tell you all how I found the channel. Well, my sister spilled the beans…

P: She found it by accident and was sworn to secrecy. I really should have known better.

D: So I just started watching all the videos from the beginning. Those first few are my favorite. You shot them before we met, so it was like getting a little glimpse of you before I knew you. Bonus Patrick content.

P: Aww, that’s sweet.

[They lean in and kiss quickly]

 

  • that’s it. i’m dead and my corpse is grinning widely and typing this from the afterlife.
  • A GODDAMNED PARADE
  • we’re 0.5 seconds into this livestream and they’ve kissed once already none of us will make it out of here alive
  • is this their store that they’re in? it looks awesome. why did I assume patrick would own like, a jock store
    • patrick is not a jock, i protest
      • i maintain that he is a jock.

 

P: Stevie, what’s our first question from the pile?

S: Okay, so this one’s from the comments on the last video. AngelusBae wants to know how you met.

[they look at each other]

P: You should tell it. They’ve been listening to me talk for a hundred videos.

D: Well, I leased this space when the old store went out of business. I had to apply for a business license, and at the time, Patrick was doing paperwork like that for one of our local...uh, moguls.

P: I’m gonna tell Ray you called him a mogul.

D: [swats at his arm] So I came into the office and there he was.

P: I was a goner pretty much from the first minute.

D: I thought you were snarky and judgey. Which, to be fair, you are.

P: You weren’t swept off your feet by my business acumen?

D: Ew! No! Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take positive note of your whole....forearm situation [making circular motions in the vicinity of Patrick’s arms].

P: I ended up investing in his business, because I liked the idea.

D: And me.

P: Yeah, that may have been a slight factor.

D: So you purchased my affections with startup money and Excel expertise.

P: [shrugs] You seemed willing to sell them. [he cocks his head and squints, the metaphor having gone in a place he didn’t mean]

D: See, now you made it weird. Anyway, I did think he was very cute and possibly too good to be true, and my sister said he was into me, but I just couldn’t believe that this whole vibe [he gestures to Patrick’s everything] could possibly be interested in this one [similar gesture to himself]. I mean, he wore a button down over a white t-shirt every single day.

P: And see, I thought I was being painfully obvious that uh, my vibe was interested.

S: He was. Super obvious. Like, you could see the heart-eyes from SPACE. David’s just an oblivious hedgehog.

D: A hedgehog?

P: Cute but also prickly.

D: [softens, considers] I’ll allow it.

 

  • I cannot. Literally cannot.
  • and they were BUSINESS PARTNERS
    • oh my god they were business partners
      • we knew that already.
        • bitch don’t step on my meme callback
  • oBliViOuS heDgEHoG
  • when I find myself in times of trouble/david and patrick come to me/pining for each other, over tea
    • david strikes me as a coffee drinker
      • yeah but that doesn’t rhyme
        • fair
  • these two are super non-obvious together but also somehow extremely obvious together like how are they doing that
    • [frollowitchcraft.gif]
  • this man obviously has patrick wrapped around his little finger and I am LIVING

 

P: Stevie, what’s our next question?

S: Okay, um...okay. Darius42 asks, why haven’t you ever monetized the channel?

P: Oh, that’s a really good question. Well, I just…

D: [hands fly up] Whoa. Wait just a minute. Are you telling me we could have been making money off this channel all this time?

P: You didn’t know it existed until two weeks ago.

D: I could have had an espresso machine in the back room anytime I wanted. I won’t forget this betrayal. [he crosses his arms and sniffs, but there’s a smirk hiding around his mouth]

P: I have thought about it. I never loved the idea. I’m trying to provide a public service with the channel, and help people. It felt kind of skeevy to make money off it.

D: [rubbing his forehead] Patrick, darling, light of my life, it is not skeevy for you to be fairly compensated for your labor. That’s kinda the whole basis of our economy. Didn’t they teach you that in business school? Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but it would still be free for the viewers, right? They’d just see a few ads?

P: Yeah, that’s right, but...I don’t know. I felt weird about it.

D: You felt weird about it because you have a white knight fixation and were brought up to believe that your value as a person was connected to how you were able to be of service to others.

P: This is not a new discussion, as you can probably tell.

D: His parents are wonderful people and I adore them, but the whole family is like this. Believing they’re loved because they do stuff for people, instead of for who they are. This one is like the poster boy for the Acts of Service love language with a martyr complex on the side.

 

  • PATRICK IS A SERVICE TOP I FUCKING CALLED IT
  • Damn. He just came for Patrick’s whole LIFE.
  • brb firing my therapist and hiring The Mysterious David to take one look at me, raise an eyebrow, and dissect my existence.
  • TMD is that friend who shows up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks and then lowers the boom on your coping mechanisms and your fashion choices but does it in a way that makes you wanna thank him for it.
  • patrick if you’re seeing this your hubs is right, you should be compensated for the work you put in making these videos for us. i’m happy to hit “skip ad” for you.
    • you know if you hit “skip ad” he doesn’t get paid, right?
  • so are we just pretending we don’t notice that patrick is married to DAVID ROSE or what
    • who?
    • oh holy fucking SHIT I THOUGHT HE LOOKED FAMILIAR
    • i’m lost
      • the Rose family, like Rose Video?
        • oh SNAP the ones that went broke and ended up in Siberia or something?
          • Yep. David is the son. I used to follow him on Insta. Had kind of a crush, actually. Went to his gallery in Tribeca one time, even got to talk to him. He smells amazing, in case anyone was wondering, and is even more gorgeous in person.

 

S: Soooo, guys? Um...you’ve been made, David.

D: What?

S: Some of the viewers have recognized you.

P: Yeah, we thought that would probably happen. [they look at each other]

D: [takes a breath, turns to camera] My name is David Rose, which might be familiar to some of you. My family owned Rose Video, then we lost everything and had to move to a small town in the country. It was the subject of several snarky thinkpieces, a week’s worth of late-night talk show host jokes and at least one mildly funny Buzzfeed listicle. My parents and my sister have moved on, but I’m still here.

S: They’re asking how the rest of your family is doing?

D: Oh! That’s unexpectedly nice of them. My sister Alexis lives in New York, she works as a publicist. My parents live in Los Angeles. My mother is acting again, on the reboot of her show Sunrise Bay. My dad, along with our friend Stevie here, owns a group of motels.

S: Why didn’t you move, too?

D: Are they asking that?

S: I think we’d all like to hear the answer.

D: [slips his hand into Patrick’s again, thinks for a minute] I wanted to, at one point. Move back to New York. It took me some time to realize it, because it’s not something I’d ever experienced, but...I’m happy here. I have my own business, I have friends and a community, and…[he hesitates, his throat works a little]...I have this man at my side. If happiness is a place, it’s here. And anywhere else that I am with him.

P: [looking at him, emotional] David. [he leans in and kisses his cheek]

D: [waves it all off, impatient] Stop, stop. I didn’t mean to get all...smushy. Nobody wants to see that.

S: Uhh...they definitely, one hundred percent, want to see that.

D: [gets a mischievous look on his face] Well, far be it from me to deny the subscribers.

[he reaches out, grasps Patrick’s face and plants a long kiss on his mouth. when they part, Patrick looks a little dazed]

D: Next question!

 

  • #relationshipgoals
  • David: *exists* --> Patrick: {{{softé}}}
  • damn onion-cutting ninjas snuck in here again…
  • i’m not crying it’s just raining on my face
  • where is my patrick. i demand that they step forward and identify themselves.
  • I’m curious about his rings, they’re so pretty, do they mean anything?

 

S: Someone’s curious about your rings, David.

D: Oh! [holds out his right hand] Yeah. Well, I used to have this set of silver Maison Margiela rings, four of them. They were one of the first things I bought with my own money. I wore them every day in different combinations, it was just...I dunno, one of my things. [he sighs, tipping his head back] Actually...I wore them every day because the first time my mom saw them, she told me how great they looked on me. It was the first time she’d complimented me on something I’d picked out for myself.

P: I used to try and figure out if there was a pattern to how you wore them. Sometimes they’d all be on the right hand, sometimes the left, sometimes both, sometimes two on one finger.

D: Why didn’t you just ask?

P: It was more fun. Like a little puzzle.

D: I hate to disappoint you but there wasn’t a pattern. Just how I felt like putting them on any given day. Anyway, we’re getting off the topic. You may notice that these rings are gold, not silver. That’s because when Patrick proposed to me, he did it with four gold rings identical to the silver ones. [he smiles]

P: You never wear them on your left hand anymore, either.

D: Nope. This ring is a solo artist. [he holds up his left hand with his wedding ring on it]

S: The chat wants to know where you got the gold ones, Patrick.

P: I had them made. One day while David was in the shower I took pictures of them on graph paper, and traced the shapes, too.

D: So resourceful. And me being myself, the first question I asked after he proposed was if they were 24 carat. [rolls his eyes]

P: No, it wasn’t. The first question you asked was, “Are you sure?” [he smiles] I was, and I still am.

[they smile at each other and have a brief, soft moment.]

D: What’s our next question, Stevie?

 

  • patrick. bro. my dude. you gotta dial it back. you’re setting an impossible standard for us mere mortal guys here.
  • he had his SPECIAL RINGS DUPLICATED??
  • i may vomit.
  • okay but i’m feeling some type of way about david wearing the rings because his mom said they looked nice like how was that the first time she’d said something like that to him he must have been a grown-ass man when he bought them
    • have you seen his mom on interviews? she’s a trip. let’s just say he is definitely her son.
  • it’s the image of patrick smuggling in a sheet of graph paper and making meticulous tracings and measurements of the rings that sends me
  • --emotional sobbing has entered the chat--

 

S: Okay, question from the comments. SugarBabaloo wants to know if you really didn’t know how to do all the things in Patrick’s videos, David.

D: [straightens up with a haughty look] Oh ho, I see how it is. I’ll have you know that not one but TWO of those videos were demonstrations of a skill that I taught to Patrick myself.

P: Yep. The button reattachment video and the lint-removal video. Oh, and don’t forget that coffee-table water rings video!

D: Oh yes! [deflates a little] But the rest of them...kinda, yeah. Here’s the thing. I grew up rich. We had a lot of staff to do things for me, for all of us. I never had to learn to change a tire or balance a budget. I have an MFA degree, I never took a class in how the stock market works.

P: To be fair to David, I am not as capable as it may seem. Some of the things I demonstrated in my videos I intentionally learned how to do for that purpose. I didn’t know how to install a doorknob before I made the video. Sometimes I’d just use David as a...jumping off point. He commented that the doorknob on the front hall closet door was a little loose and dinged up, so I looked up how to replace it, did it, then made a video about it.

D: Maybe I could do some how-to videos for things I know how to do.

P: That’d be amazing! You could do art appreciation, or clothing maintenance. Hemming pants, or mending a tear. [to camera] He’s a neat freak, too, he can clean anything.

D: I am your man for getting stains out of things. Also scuff marks, water marks, lime deposits...give me a steamer and a microfiber towel, you’ll be gagging.

P: Grooming techniques. We sell a lot of skincare products in our store, David’s practically the town dermatologist at this point.

D: Eww. I am not lancing anyone’s cysts, thank you very much.

P: You know...I’m just now realizing how many of the things I demonstrated in the videos are things I know how to do because of you. The wine tasting, the shoe polishing, several of the cooking ones.

D: Here we were, collaborating on this project all this time and I didn’t even know about it.

 

  • oh dear lordt he’s the Jonathan Van Ness of rural Canada.
    • please, may the universe find some way for TMD and JVN to meet.
      • i don’t think the universe is ready for that critical mass, a singularity would form.
  • I need “How, David?” videos like breathing. I will literally die if this does not happen.
  • please, David, save my oily t-zone, my family is starving
  • can he show me how to fit a fucking blouse because these tits are not my friends in that area
  • a video how-to on general fabulousness would also be appreciated. also getting olive oil out of t-shirts.
  • i just want like a 12 hour livestream of David going through his day and commenting on stuff, can this be a thing?

 

S: Question from the comments: when did each of you come out as gay?

[they look at each other]

P: Well, that’d just be a question for me, because in fact, David is not gay.

D: I’m pansexual. I came out to my parents in college, but it was more a matter of telling them that I also like people who aren’t men. They’d been assuming I was gay since childhood, and I can’t say they didn’t have reason for that given my...everything. I was fortunate in that it was a non-issue for them. They love Patrick. More than they love me, I think sometimes.

P: You’ve heard most of my story in the How to Get Married video. I came out to my parents not long before David and I got engaged, actually.

D: So yes, we are a same-sex couple, but we are not a gay couple. Technicalities.

P: I’m a simple man. I like dudes.

[David bursts out laughing, one hand over his mouth. Patrick looks at him, bemused]

P: What?

D: Nothing, I just...I’ve never heard you put it so bluntly before.

P: I’m getting more frank in my old age.

D: You’re only 36, honey.

 

  • David Rose says Pansexual Representation. Amazing.
    • ummm it’s not representation, this is reality, not a scripted show making decisions, it’s this man’s actual life, stop being gross.
      • you know what? valid. I apologize. Revised statement: David Rose Being Pansexual. Amazing.
        • [youredoingamazingsweetie.gif]
  • “I like dudes.” Iconic.
  • we stan queer legends only
  • okay this is like an advertisement for David’s skincare expertise because Patrick’s 36 and he looks about 24, so
  • I wonder how old David is

 

S: [mischievously] The chat is wondering how old YOU are, David.

[Patrick and Stevie laugh; David looks chagrined]

P: You guys have no way of knowing this, but it’s kind of a town joke that nobody knows how old David is because he refuses to tell anyone. I mean, I know. He’s my husband. But literally nobody else.

S: I don’t even know and he’s my best friend.

P: What, you never snuck his ID out of his wallet when he wasn’t looking?

S: I have respect for people’s boundaries.

P: You have zero respect for people’s boundaries

D: This is dumb. I’m 39, all right?

P: Wow, did that hurt? Did you sprain something? Do you need an ice pack?

D: This is what my life is, being married to this troll. You all think he’s soooo sweet and nice, but he is a demon in a mild-mannered business major disguise. Don’t let those big pretty eyes fool you. He’s a MONSTER.

P: [grinning, delighted] You think I have big, pretty eyes?

D: Stop fishing for compliments, it’s tragic.

S: [giving David a narrow-eyed look] You asshole, you’ve known this entire time, haven’t you?

[David looks around airily, mock-innocent, a smug little smile on his face]

P: Known what?

S: That he’s YOUNGER than me! I’m 41!

D: I mean, if that sort of thing matters to you, I don’t know why anyone would have any feelings about that one way or another.

S: I’m going to get you for this, Rose.

D: Wait, does this mean that this whole time, you’ve been assuming that I was OLDER than you?? That’s it, I’m wearing a bag over my head from now on.

P: Come on, David, you know you’re the prettiest boy in school.

D: That’s a matter of opinion. I know a prettier one. [another of those fond looks]

 

  • diabetic coma, here I come
  • I am very into this bickery buddy triad these three have going on.
  • not to get all tinhatty but is anybody else picking up a vibe between Laptop Friend and David? am I imagining this
    • nope
    • same
    • hey laptop friend i know you’re reading this sorry we’ve forgotten your name but what’s that about

 

S: Stevie. My name is Stevie.

D: Uh, thanks for the update.

S: The chat is talking to me and they forgot my name. They also, uh...there’s some interest in a “vibe” they’re seeing which I think is entirely a figment of their imaginations.

P: You mean this vibe? [motioning between Stevie and David] Yeah they used to be a thing. Before David and I met.

D: A “thing” is a charitable description for what that was.

P: It was a thing, no matter how much they deny it.

S: Fine, it was a thing, it was fun while it lasted, but we were better off as friends, as you can see by how warm and loving our friendship is now. [glaring daggers at David, who glares right back]

P: This is just how they show their love. It’s normal. She was actually his maid of honor at our wedding and cried the whole ceremony.

S: Let’s get another question from the comments. JennyBenny43 wants to know if living in a small town has been hard for a queer couple.

D: Well, I have to mail-order a lot of things. The nearest Nordstrom’s is a six hour drive.

P: I don’t think that’s what she means, babe.

D: I know. But really, that’s the biggest hardship.

P: The town where we live values and accepts us. Along with all the other queer residents here, one of whom is on the town council. Sometimes it feels like a haven, other times it just feels like normal life. Because shouldn’t that feel normal?

S: Okay, someone in the chat is curious about the store and how your business is going.

P: Honestly, it’s going great.

D: So the store that used to be here was a convenience store, like, everything and anything. A few years before my family moved here, a supermarket went in just outside of town and had better selection and was cheaper, so the general store went bust. My idea was to put in a store that provided a way for local craftspeople to sell their stuff, year round. I could not believe how many people around here made things. Cheese, wine, sweaters, ceramics, body products. So they bring their stuff to us, we sell it under our brand.

P: Your brand, really.

D: We’re in a tiny town but there are half a dozen larger towns within an hour’s drive. People come from all over to buy our vendors’ products. Last summer we started doing a farmer’s market on Saturdays. One of our vendors has been so successful they’re opening a winery tasting room in town. There’s a deli going in up the street from us, our friend’s cafe across the street is undergoing an upgrade, and we’re hearing there’s a microbrewery looking at some property in town. You watch, in five years this town will be a destination.

P: He’s always had this vision. I’m just the numbers guy.

D: Well, without you, I’d be having my visions in a motel room and being Alexis’s PA or some other fate worse than death.

 

  • subscriber road trip to whateverthefuck town this is? who’s in?
    • meeeeeee
      • i’ll bring snacks
        • i’ll bring booze
  • guys it’s in schitt’s creek, ontario, which i obtained through the genius detective work of googling “david rose + store.” it’s called the rose apothecary.
    • that...cannot be the actual name of the town.
      • [screengrab.jpg]
  • i’m having an out of body experience. i refuse to believe that these two beautiful amazing men live in a town called schitt’s creek.
  • guyssssssss roseapothecary.ca. and there’s an “about us” page there’s a picture of them i’m cry

 

S: Question from the chat: did either of you think of taking the other’s last name?

D: No.

P: [at the same time] Yes.

[they look at each other]

D: You did?

P: I’m still thinking about it.

D: [mouth agape] Patrick, I’m...you’ve never said anything about that!

P: I didn’t want you to talk me either into or out of it. I wanted it to be just because I decided.

D: You’d really take my last name?

P: Why not?

D: [spluttering a bit] Because...you’re...it’s...you’re an only child!

P: Yes, but I’m far from the last of my line or whatever. I have like ten male cousins with the last name Brewer.

D: I just...I’m speechless.

P: [to camera] You are all witnessing a truly historic moment.

D: You know we’re not any less married if we keep our names. I won’t think you’re any more committed if you change yours.

P: I know that. I just…[thinks for a second] I like your name. It’s the name of our business. And honestly, I think “Brewer” sounds kind of mealy to say. I just think it might be nice. To be Patrick Rose.

D: [looks overwhelmed] I...can I just take a minute...I’ll be right back, okay? [he smiles, leans in and kisses Patrick’s cheek, then gets up and moves out of frame, swiping at his eyes]

P: [watching him go with a tender expression]

 

  • hey stevie we are not okay over here
  • they’re so open and free with each other and with us like can they give lessons on how to purge toxic masculinity from your soul
  • not to be all dramatic on main, but i would die for these two
  • oh...wait...hold up, fam.
  • what is thaaaaaaaaaaaat
  • god fucking damn it you are kidding me
  • i cannot. i am rendered incapable. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS
  • HE PLAYS THE GUITAR WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS

 

[while David is off-camera, Patrick has leaned to the side and retrieved his guitar from offscreen. he settles it over his shoulder and strums a casual tuneup chord]

S: Uh...the chat seems infuriated that you play the guitar. [she leans in] He plays the piano, too.

P: While we wait for David to return, he thought I should share one of my skills that I hadn’t included in any of the videos. It’s not like I can show you how to play the guitar in eight minutes. [he starts strumming a light, jazzy acoustic riff] I do write my own songs, but I also like arranging covers of some of the classics. If you can’t tell what song it is till the chorus, then I win. [he winks]

 

  • this man is a menace. a MENACE.
  • yes hello 911 i’d like to report a genocide
  • a serial killer could literally break into my house right now and i wouldn’t leave this stream

 

[patrick starts to play a vaguely familiar-sounding tune, arranged in an upbeat jazz tempo]

P: I’m gonna take a little time, a little time to think things over

I better read between the lines, in case I need it when I’m older…

 

  • okay who’s got it
  • no idea. sounds maybe vaguely familiar?
  • i googled the lyrics so i know but i’m not telling, that would be cheating.

 

P: [breaking into the chorus] I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me...

 

  • really, patrick? foreigner? next up, a remix of Cheap Trick’s greatest hits
  • see above, re menace and also genocide
  • wow this is a deep cut, patrick. well played, my good sir.

 

[david reappears on the screen and takes his seat. patrick smiles at him but doesn’t pause the song. David settles his arm around patrick’s back and listens, smiling, his foot swinging in time to the tempo]

D: [clapping as Patrick finishes the song] That one’s new, isn’t it?

P: Been playing around with it for awhile. You okay?

D: [sighs] Yeah. Just...hearing you call yourself Patrick Rose, even in a hypothetical, landed hard. I’m okay.

S: Well, the chat isn’t okay. They’re having full blown seizures over Patrick’s guitar and vocal skills and accusing him of high crimes and misdemeanors for subjecting them to it.

D: Ah, of course. Well, let me make it worse. [he leans forward like he’s speaking conspiratorially to the chat] Patrick also plays the piano. He does community theater. The year we got engaged, he played the Emcee in “Cabaret.” Yes, there’s video. Last year he played Captain Von Trapp. He also plays on the community baseball team and coaches Little League. And yes, it is constantly infuriating. [he winks]

P: And yet I can’t seem to get Monet and Manet straight for the life of me.

D: Nobody’s perfect, honey.

S: We should wrap this up, guys.

P: Okay, then I guess...thanks for tuning in! I’m glad all of you got to meet The Mysterious David. He’ll need a different nickname now that he’s not mysterious any more, I guess.

D: Just David will do nicely.

P: I have some new videos planned for this month, and now that David knows about this project of mine, I’m sure he’ll have some input. We might have some new kinds of content coming, so stay tuned.

D: And please don’t click “Skip Ad” so he can get paid and I can get my espresso machine.

------

[Twitter chat room HowPatFans]

BettyP: are we okay? is everyone okay?

Jezebel: I am not okay. I am not anywhere in the vicinity of okay.

Hannah: That’s going to be uploaded, right? We’re going to be able to watch it over and over again?

Gloria: Yeah, Stevie said that in the chat.

Jezebel: Like, I knew we were going to get to meet David, but this was...so much more than I ever imagined we’d get. So much more.

Hannah: I hope David gets to participate in the channel going forward.

BettyP: Oh, I think he will. He doesn’t seem like a guy who’s shy about advocating for himself.

Jezebel: So...I’m glad for all this, but...I will kind of miss the mystery.

Gloria: Yeah. I know what you mean. It’s like there was this unseen figure, and we could all imagine him however we wanted. Now he’s real. Not Mysterious anymore.

Hannah: Google searches for the Rose family are about to shoot up.

Jezebel: I’m just...I’m having complicated feelings. It’s like the end of an era for the channel. however it goes in the future, this is the end of the beginning.

BettyP: One thing’s for sure.

Hannah: What?

BettyP: The fanfic is about to EXPLODE.

Jezebel: Oh my God.