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Fez dates Jackie

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“That is the saddest sound in the world” Fez said, and Hyde rolled his eyes. He should’ve known better than to do his homework at The Hub, with no one other than Fez as a company.

Hell, he still couldn’t believe he was doing his freaking homework! In public!

Living with the Formans made him develop that habit and he was having a hard time breaking it. But he actually really digged Sociology and studying it was kind of cool.

Or it would be kind of cool, if Fez would stop doing this absurdly annoying noise by his side!

“No more soda for Fez” Fez sighed dramatically, and Hyde glared at him “And no more money for...”

“Fez, if I buy you another damn soda will you shut the hell up?!” Hyde exploded

“Oh Hyde... You do not buy soda” Fez said with a playful smile “You only rent it”

Hyde kept glaring at the foreigner little freak, who apparently can’t take a freaking hint.

“If you know what I mean” Fez continued, oblivious to Hyde’s annoyance “I mean you pee it out” He explained

“Yeah I got it” Hyde said and pointed at the bathroom door with his pencil “Now go”

Fez smiled and went to the bathroom, and Hyde breathed relieved. If he kept talking, Hyde would’ve probably stuck his pencil on Fez’s eye. And he wouldn’t be sorry about it.

He started to work on his paper again, but his peace and quiet didn’t last long.

“Oh Hyde, I’m afraid” Fez said, sitting back on the table

“Did you go to the girls bathroom and someone caught you again?” Hyde asked “Because you’re on your own man, last time that happened the chick threw rocks at my car while I drove your candy stained ass away”

“No, I went to the right bathroom this time” Fez said “But Caroline didn’t, ai... When I broke up with crazy Caroline, I told her I was dating Jackie. But I’m not dating Jackie.”

“So?” Hyde asked “Neither am I”

“But you like her” Fez said, and Hyde widened his eyes. How the hell...? 

“No I don’t” Hyde lamely answered, and Fez rolled his eyes

“Yes you do!” He said “Now shut up! May I borrow Jackie?”

“What?” Hyde asked in disbelief “I just told you that Jackie and I are not dating! And even if we were, that wouldn’t make me her owner, dillhole. If you need something from Jackie then you ask Jackie for it!”

“Okay” Fez said with a small smile “But you like her”

“Shut up, Fez” Hyde said, throwing his pencil at him and picking up his stuff. He would be better off doing his homework at his and Bud’s trashed apartment.

“Jackie, I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to help me with Caroline” Fez said as she entered the basement

“Hey, anything for a friend” Jackie said “But if she tries to hurt me I am using you as a shield”

“What the hell?” Hyde asked, looking at Jackie in disbelief “You actually agreed to this?”

“Of course I did. I am a single woman and Fez is a friend that needed my help” Jackie said “I’m a hero, they should make a movie about me. Beautiful, loyal friend saves foreign creep from a psychopath...”

“What did you offer her?” Eric said “You can’t make a pact with the devil if you’re not offering anything to the devil”

“Your soul” Jackie answered, glaring at Eric, who let out a small shriek and hid behind Donna.

“All I have to do is behave like a proper boyfriend.” Fez said “It’s like a dream coming true”

“But you are not allowed to kiss me or grope me. You can hold my hand if you wash it at least three times first.” She said. Then she noticed how Hyde was staring at her and protested “Don’t give me that look, Steven. I know what Fez does with his hands when he’s alone”

“It’s not that, do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?” Hyde answered “That chick is insane, man! Don’t think I haven’t noticed the marks she left in your wrist when you and Donna touched Fez in front of her!”

Jackie stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds... He noticed that? She did her best to wear long sleeves and cover it with makeup, and he still noticed that! She knew he was observant, quiet people always are, she just never thought he would actually observe her. Not after what she did on Veteran’s day. She would never forgive herself for lying that day.

“Since when do you care?” Eric asked, looking at Hyde suspiciously

“I don’t...” Hyde answered, but he did not convince anyone. “Look man, if Donna was doing this for Fez, I would’ve been cool with it, because Donna knows how to defend herself. She would probably beat that psycho into a bloody pulp if she dared to touch her. But Caroline would break Jackie in half”

“That’s true” Donna said “I could’ve been your fake girlfriend if you asked me to, Fez. But now I already got plans”

“We do?” Eric asked Donna, who chuckled before answering him

“You don’t” She said “I’m leaving town with my mom tonight, we’ll be back on Sunday. We’re visiting her sister in Milwaukee”

“Oh....” Eric said “But we’re spending every night together for like, a really long time”

“Consider this your break” Donna said “Like, now that I’m leaving town with my mom, you don’t have to take me to see that ballerina movie tonight”

“So, I get to be a bachelor for the weekend?” Eric smiled, and Donna glared at him

“A bachelor that doesn’t flirt, or interact in any forms with other girls” Donna said

“Oh my God, I’ll finally be able to let my lazy nature come free for a whole weekend...” Eric said

“Okay...” Donna said, rolling her eyes “But if you’re really desperate Fez, I can see if my mom can reschedule our trip”

“But I already told Caroline that I’m dating Jackie...” Fez said

“Hey! I can defend myself!” Jackie said, and everyone in the basement raised an eyebrow at her “I can! I kicked Laurie’s ass right here, behind this couch, not that long ago!”

“Oh yes...” Eric said, smiling at himself “I will always hate myself for losing that fight. Laurie had a black eye for a week”

“Laurie is all words, she can’t beat up a fly” Hyde said “Now Caroline... That crazy bitch probably carries a knife with her”

“Oh please, I’m too pretty to be stabbed” Jackie said “And in case she does have a knife with her, I’ll just throw Fez at her and run away”

“So you’ll still be my fake girlfriend, right?” Fez asked hopefully

“Yes, Fez” Jackie answered “But now that I know that my life is in danger, I want presents”

“If I give you a really good present, will you kiss me?” Fez asked hopefully

“No” Jackie answered, disgusted

“I still don’t think this is a good idea, man” Hyde said honestly

“Yeah, me too Jackie” Donna said “I mean… You are very tiny”

“I am not tiny. I am petite and delicate” Jackie answered, looking annoyed

“Whatever” Donna replied, rolling her eyes “It’s still dangerous”

Donna and Steven actually looked worried, and it made Jackie’s heart swell. Still, she’s not going to let Fez be stalked by that psycho the rest of his life.

“Look guys, it’ll be fine” She said “Fez and I are only going to very public places, where Caroline can be restrained in seconds if she tries to do something to me”

“Yes, tonight we’re going to The Hub” Fez answered “Everybody is at The Hub at a friday night”

“Okay then” Donna said “But please be careful”

“I will” Jackie smiled “Promise”

Hyde sent Jackie a look. He’s not going to lie to her and say he’s okay with it. Because he’s not, in fact, he’s pretty pissed off. He just doesn’t know what’s been pissing him off: if it’s the fact that Jackie’s been willingly putting herself into danger or the fact that she’ll be fake dating Fez.

He better keep his pervert hands off her.

“So...” Fez started “Our first date. I guess we’re really a couple now. A couple of knuckleheads” He said, laughing at his own joke

Jackie raised an eyebrow at Fez, she was about to say something when she saw a blonde woman entering The Hub.

“Oh, there she is!” She said, looking at Caroline

“Okay, showtime!” Fez said, inserting a coin on the jukebox and selecting a song for them to dance. He grabbed her hand and she laughed at his goofy moves, Caroline sending them a death glare the whole time.

The rest of the night wasn’t as unpleasant as Jackie thought it would be. Fez is actually really good company when he’s not being a creep. They shared a soda, she tried to teach him how to play “rock, paper scissors” for the hundredth time, they fed each other some fries... She couldn’t believe it, she was actually having fun with Fez!

And when their date was almost over, she let him give her one small peck on the lips, just one, before they started to dance again.

Fez’s lips are soft. But there’s no spark. Not like when she kissed Steven

Is she going to compare all the boys she kisses with Steven from now on?

Fez finished their routine by dipping her, and Caroline unplugged the jukebox before storming out of The Hub.

Hyde entered the basement with a scowl on his face. He considered stopping by at The Hub earlier to see how Jackie and Fez were doing, but the thought of Jackie with Fez (even if it’s fake) made him want to throw up. The thought of Jackie with anyone other than himself made him want to throw up.

Veteran’s day ruined his life.

His scowl deepened when he saw a pantless Forman sitting on the couch. 

“You know... Without Donna, I’ve realized that I can revert to my natural state. I’m dirty, I’m lazy, and I don’t wear pants” He said, holding a half-eaten slice of pizza on his hands “I’m just like you”

“No, no” Hyde answered “See, I’m an original. A Warhol. You’re just a print”

“Those are some pretty strong words from a guy who’s wearing pants” Eric said, looking back at the TV and laughing “Wait, this is my favorite part”

Hyde adjusted himself on his chair to be more comfortable, when he felt a putrid smell.

“Oh yeah, that was me” Eric said “That’s right. That was me!”

Hyde scowled again while Eric laughed to himself and finished his pizza. He was already regretting his decision of coming to the basement. He would’ve been pissed watching Jackie and Fez at The Hub, but at least he wouldn’t need a fucking gas mask there.

He punched Eric's arm when he heard Eric chuckling to himself after letting out another massive fart. Screw that, he's going to steal some of Red's beers in the garage.

When he reached the kitchen, he heard a giggle. Her giggle, a giggle that was supposed to annoy him, but it makes him feel butterflies in his stomach instead.

"Oh, what a gentleman!" Mrs. Forman said as Jackie giggled happily "Maybe Fez could teach Red a thing or two about romance"

"Mrs. Forman, it was one of the best dates of my life. And it was fake!" Jackie said, and Hyde's ears perked up. One of the best dates of her life, not the best one. He wondered if their date on Veteran's day was better than her date with Fez.

"Red takes me to the same restaurant on the rare occasions we go out" Mrs. Forman complained "Same old Philly's, the food is not even that good!"

"You know what, Mrs. Forman? You deserve a nice date at the nicest restaurant in town! You go tell Mr. Forman that!" Jackie said

"I will!" Mrs. Forman answered "Thank you, Jackie!" 

Jackie smiled as Mrs. Forman left the kitchen through the sliding door, Mrs. Forman may be kind of old, and not stylish at all, but she deserves to go out on a nice date every once in a while, that poor woman has Eric for a son!

"You're a motivational speaker now?" Hyde said as he entered the kitchen, and Jackie smiled

"Hey, Steven! I haven't seen you all day!" She said

"Of course you didn't, you spent the whole day with Fez" He said, trying his hardest not to sound bitter.

"Oh yeah…" She answered

“How's that going, by the way? Pretending to be Fez’s girlfriend... That must be kind of a drag, right?” Hyde asked

“No, actually, it’s been really fun, Fez is great! Tonight, after our date at The Hub, he took me to play putt-putt. And tomorrow, he’s taking me to the movies! He wanted to take me to a hayride, but ewwww. So he’s taking me to the movies instead. Fez is so charming!” She said with a smile on her face, and Hyde tried really hard not to scowl. “You know, I can see why Caroline’s stalking him”

Hyde looked at Jackie again, baffled at the situation. She hadn’t complained about Fez once, and it looked like she was genuinely having fun. So why is he so angry about it?

Because you like her, moron! He thought

"That's… cool" He said, cursing himself for not being able to use his zen near her.

Jackie stared at him for a few seconds. Is she going nuts or does Steven sound… jealous? No, she's probably imagining things, she screwed up her chances with him on Veteran's day.

“I have to go and choose my outfit for my date with Fez tomorrow! I know it’s not a real date, but I still want to look cute!” Jackie composed herself and said with a small smile “See ya, Steven!”

And then she left through the sliding door. Hyde took a deep breath, he can't believe he's jealous of Fez, of all people. That's fucking depressing.

He grabbed a bottle of pop and decided that if he was going to sulk, he was going to sulk in the basement.

“Forman, would you please put on some pants?” Hyde said as he entered the basement. He's already pretty pissed off, and the sight of Eric's bony legs is disturbing.

“Donna just called, and she told me she’s having a great time with her mom!” Eric said, and Hyde rolled his eyes 


“So? She should be having a terrible time! She’s supposed to be missing me!” Eric said

“Hey, shut up, maybe I don’t care!” Hyde said, crossing his arms and sitting on his chair

“What crawled up your butt?” Eric asked

Fez and Jackie . Hyde thought.

“Nothing” Hyde answered with all of his zen.

Then the basement door opened and Fez entered the basement, with a huge grin on his face.

“Oh Hyde, I cannot thank you enough for lending me Jackie! It feels so good to be in a normal, healthy relationship.” He said, and Eric stared confused at him while Hyde shot him daggers with his eyes.

“First things first, I did not lend you Jackie!” Hyde protested from his seat “And your relationship with her is fake!”

“You say tomato, I say tomato” Fez said, and Hyde rolled his eyes

“Fez” Eric said “It’s to-mah-to”

“What?” Fez asked

“You say to-mah-to” Eric explained

“Why would I say to-mah-to? That’s not even a word, you dummy” Fez said, laughing at his own joke. This time, Eric was the one that rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m sorry” Eric said, not wanting to spend the next hour explaining to Fez what he meant

“It’s okay Eric” Fez said “Different strokes for different strokes” 

Eric just stared at Fez in disbelief “Right. Now can you tell me what you meant by thanking Hyde for lending you Jackie?”

“He meant nothing” Hyde said, sending Fez a threatening look “Fez is insane”

“I am not insane!” Fez protested “Hyde likes Jackie!” 

“What?!” Eric shrieked, jumping off the couch

“He’s crazy, he doesn’t know what he’s saying!” Hyde said, but Eric had already connected the dots

“Oh my God, you do like her!” Eric said in awe and horror at the same time “How could you do that to Kelso, man?”

Hyde knew that there was no point in denying anymore, Forman can read him like a book, but the fact that he mentioned Kelso pissed him off.

“You mean the guy that cheated on Jackie with your sister and made sure to rub it in your face whenever he could?” Hyde said, and Eric sighed

“I get what you mean” He said after a few seconds “But why Jackie, man? She’s the devil!”

“It’s just a temporary thing, Foman!” Hyde tried to explain “It must be this freaking heat”

“It’s winter!” Eric said, and Hyde scoffed

“Whatever” He said, crossing his arms and redirectioning his focus to the TV

“Yes, it is temporary” Fez said “Because Jackie is going to fall in love with me now”

“Shut up, Fez!” Hyde almost yelled, for Eric’s surprise.

“Holy crap, I feel like I’ve just entered the twilight zone” He mumbled

“All I know is, if I was married to a woman like Jackie... It would be heavens” Fez said dreamingly “Oh, the high jinks we would get into!”

Then he proceeded to narrate a very weird fantasy where he and Jackie were Lucy and Ricky from the "I Love Lucy" TV show.

When Fez finished his fantasy, both Hyde and Eric were staring at him. Hyde looked like he wanted to kill him, and Eric just looked extremely confused and grossed out.

“Oh, Lucy” Fez laughed to himself, then he looked at Hyde “Well, I’m off to get ready to romance your almost lady tomorrow!”

“My almost lady?” Hyde asked 

“Yes you fool, you could’ve had her, but you didn’t do anything about it, so you lost your chance forever!” Fez said, annoyed “Now, good day!”

“But Fez...” Eric started "It's nighttime"

“I said good day!” Fez yelled and slammed the door on his way out.

Eric turned to look at Hyde, and it was clear that Hyde was fuming with rage.

“Y’know, if we shave your head and add a gross vain to your forehead, you’d look just like my dad did when I accidentally melted one of his war medals” Eric said, and Hyde turned to glare at him.

“Forman, shut up!” Hyde said, getting up from his chair and going to the basement door’s direction

“Aha! Where do you think you’re going, Mr.?” Eric yelled and stood in front of the basement door

“Forman, I won't hesitate on killing you” Hyde said, glaring at him “Get out!”

“No! I know you can kill me but I also know that you are not going to tackle a pantless guy!” Eric replied “You have some questions to answer, Hyde!”

“I do not!”

“You’re jealous of Jackie and Fez!” Eric affirmed “You like Jackie!”

“So what, man?” Hyde said “I already told you it’s temporary!”

“If it was temporary you wouldn’t have almost killed Fez a few minutes ago!” Eric answered “And now that I’m thinking about it... You haven’t burned Jackie since Veteran’s day! Oh my God! Everything is making sense now!”

Hyde just glared at Eric, waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t. They stood in silence for over a minute, while Eric tried to process the new information and Hyde tried to think of different ways to get out without actually having to touch a half-naked Forman.

“Man, if you like her you should tell her” Eric said, surprising him

“That’s it?” Hyde asked in disbelief “You’re not going to nag me into telling Kelso or say that Jackie and I are an abomination?”

“No, you were right about Kelso before” Eric said “And yes, you and Jackie are an abomination, but you never really liked someone before man, and no, I’m not counting Donna because we both know that wasn’t a real crush. I think you should tell her” He said honestly

"She said she didn't feel anything, man"

"Didn't feel anything about what?" Eric asked, confused

"On our date" Hyde confessed "We kissed and she said she didn't feel anything"

"Holy crap!" Eric said, shocked "And you did! And now you're in love with her!"

"Shut up Forman" Hyde answered "No one said anything about love"

"Man, this is…" Eric muttered "This is so weird"

"Yeah, I know that" Hyde said, annoyed "Whatever man, it's gonna pass"

"No it's not" Eric replied "Because you are going to tell her"

"What?! I'm not telling her!"

"Yes you are!" Eric protested "Because I'm pretty sure she likes you back! She keeps staring at you and sighing, and she refused all of Kelso's attempts to get her back"

"So? That doesn't mean anything" Hyde replied

"But it does! You went to jail for her, man! You need to give this a shot" Eric said "Wow, I can't believe I'm actually encouraging you to get Jackie"

"Yeah, it's pretty weird" Hyde said

"Just promise you'll think about it, man" Eric placed her hand on Hyde's shoulder "Fez is taking her to the movies tomorrow afternoon, they're going to see that ballerina movie Donna won't shut up about"

"Fine" Hyde agreed reluctantly. "But you keep your mouth shut, got it?" 

"Scouts honor, man" Eric said, raising his hands and sitting back on the couch

"See ya" Hyde said, leaving through the basement door. He had some serious thinking to do.

Jackie stared at the bucket of popcorn on her hands. She couldn't get Steven's words out of her mind since yesterday.

He sounded… Well, he sounded like he was jealous. But why would he be jealous of her fake dates with Fez?

Maybe he lied on Veteran's day too?

“Fez…” Jackie said “Am I crazy or… Is Steven jealous of us?”

“Jackie, when we’re in public. You are with me. Hyde is dead to you” Fez said sternly

“But if Steven is jealous…” Jackie answered “That means that…” 

She stopped talking when she’d heard crazy Caroline’s voice from behind them. 

“Oh boy… Here comes trouble” Fez said, smiling as Caroline took a seat behind them. Jackie rolled her eyes, Fez was enjoying this way too much. “Caroline! I was just offering my girlfriend Jackie a sip from my straw. We don’t care about germs because she has had her tongue in my mouth”

Then Fez laughed uncomfortably and Jackie just glared at him. She wanted to get this over with so she could confront Steven.

“You know what I think? I think this is all an act. I don’t think you’re really dating” Caroline said

“Oh yeah?” Fez answered “Well… Well, maybe… maybe this will convince you!”  

And before she could slap his foreigner face away Fez was trying to shove his tongue down her throat. Jackie successfully dodged him, but he buried his face on her neck.

“C’mon Jackie, put some leg into it!” He said, and Jackie slapped him away

“Give me a break. If you were really together you’d have at least gotten to second base by now” Caroline said

“You know, when you are right, you are right” Fez said with one of his signature pervert smiles, moving one of his hands to a place where she specifically told him NOT to move his hands. She slapped his hand away and glared at the two freaks near her.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Jackie blurted, looking more than just a little annoyed “Caroline, Fez doesn’t like you!”

“Is that true, Fez?” Caroline asked, and Fez gulped

“Yes” He answered 

“Wow” Caroline said “I guess we really are over. Okay! Enjoy your movie!”

Hyde observed the whole scene near him in horror. He still couldn't believe he snuck into the movie theater to spy on Jackie's date with Fez.

He almost got up to kill Fez when he threw himself at her, but Jackie can take care of herself. He smiled when he saw her slapping Fez's hand, and then she told the truth to Caroline, who promptly accepted it and backed off. That’s it? The crazy chick backed off easy like that? She felt her bumping into him when she was leaving.

“Sorry!” She exclaimed “Hey, Hyde! Looking good!” She then gave him a wink “Call me”

Hyde frowned and Jackie turned around to see what was going on. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Steven sitting alone next to them.

“Steven?” Jackie said, not being able to hide a smile “What are you doing here?”

Hyde laughed uncomfortably “Are you kidding me? This is the ballerina flick Forman wouldn’t shut up about, he said it makes you think” 

“Steven…” Jackie said with a small smile

“How did their feet get so pointy? That’s a mystery I’m determined to solve” He continued and Jackie giggled. He looks cute when he’s nervous. Hyde noticed how she was staring at him “What?”

“You like me!” Jackie said, smiling more and more at each second “You’re jealous of Fez!”

Hyde sighed “I’m not…” He started, but decided it was pointless to deny it when he saw her smiling again “Maybe I do”

“Maybe I like you too” Jackie answered, and Hyde moved to sit on the free seat next to her.

“You do?” He asked, removing his sunglasses so he could take a better look at her.

“I really, really do” She said, placing one of her hands on his cheek “I lied on Veteran’s day, I’m sorry”

“I lied too” Hyde said, cupping her face on his hands and gluing their lips together.

The kiss was slow at first, but within seconds Hyde tilted his head and tangled his hand on her hair, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss. 

He still couldn't believe how soft Jackie's lips were. It seemed impossible for someone who spoke so often and in such an annoying way sometimes to have such sweet and soft lips. And when his tongue met hers, he realized that he could stay like that forever.

Jackie couldn't believe how passionate the kiss was. She thought that their kiss on top of her daddy's Lincoln months ago was the best kiss of her life, but this one… Steven took his time tasting her tongue and actually enjoying the kiss, things weren't rushed, they weren't kissing like the world was about to end, because they knew this isn't their last kiss.

"Oooh, sexy!" Fez's voice interrupted their special moment, and Jackie and Hyde broke apart so they could glare at him.

Jackie used all of her self control not to squeal with happiness when she noticed that Steven didn't remove his hand from her face and was stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"Fez, leave" Hyde said sternly, and Fez pouted.

"This is not fair!" Fez complained "I brought you two together, Fez deserves a free show!"

"Fez, get out!" Jackie said when she felt Steven's hand moving to the back of her head and tangling itself in her hair again.

"Fine, you two sons of bitches" Fez said, standing up "When is Fez going to be appreciated?"

"If you don't leave now, I'm kicking your ass!" Hyde said, shooting daggers with his eyes at the foreigner.

"Fine!" Fez said, storming out.

When Fez was out of his sight, Hyde pressed his lips against Jackie's one more time, not being able to hide his smile when he felt her tiny hands cupping his face.

This is heaven, man.

"Wait… Steven" She said, breaking their kiss.

Yeah, he celebrated way too soon.

"What does this mean?" She asked, running her hands up and down his chest

"It means that…" He started "It means that… Crap, Jackie, I'm not good with words, so let's just… keep doing what we were doing, alright?"

Jackie answered him by raising an eyebrow and staring at him expectantly, and he sighed.

"It means that… You're my chick now, if you want to" He choked out and she smiled

"Is that your way of asking me to be your girlfriend, Steven?" She asked, still smiling

"Yeah" He answered

"I would love to be your girlfriend, Steven" She said, stroking the side of his face with her thumb "Now, kiss me again"

"As you wish" He said, pressing his lips against hers for the third time in the night.

The third of many, many kisses they'll share for the rest of their lives.