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teyvat’s gay club

Chapter Text

barbatos take the wheel

 

11:48 AM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: hey

 

batman: no

 

gay gay homosexual gay: WHAT

 

anime protagonist: hi venti

 

gay gay homosexual gay: hi you sweet sweet man

 

main character: what’s up venti

 

gay gay homosexual gay: aether and lumine are my only real friends

 

batman: good

 

gay gay homosexual gay: WHAT DID INDO TO YOU

 

batman: .

 

gay gay homosexual gay: ok fair

 

broke bitch: HAHAHDHD POOR VENTI

 

team mom: ok but did you need something venti?

 

gay gay homosexual gay: oh right

 

gay gay homosexual gay: so basically

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m broke

 

batman: we know get on with it

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i don’t have any lunch can someone get me lunch please i will love you forever

 

batman: no

 

gay gay homosexual gay: PLEASE DILUC

 

batman: u literally still owe me from last time

 

broke bitch: refer to the username

 

anime protagonist: you can share with me venti!

 

main character: i packed extra today!!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i literally would die for the two of you

 

main character: :(

 

anime protagonist: :(

 

batman: good

 

gay gay homosexual gay: DILUC PLEASE,,,

 

cOoL iT: i smell an opportunity to berate diluc

 

batman: literally go home

 

cOoL iT: i am home? WE LIVE TOGETHER???

 

batman: don’t fucking remind me

 

cOoL iT: you literally. invited me to live here what

 

batman: yeah so shut it before you’re homeless

 

cOoL iT: :(

 

team mom: alright kids break it up

 

team mom: diluc be nicer please

 

team mom: kaeya shut up

 

cOoL iT: WHAT

 

cOoL iT: WHAT THE FUCK???

 

batman: that is the opposite of shutting up

 

anime protagonist: venti lumine and i are gonna go to the caf and have lunch in a half hour!!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: ok you beloved angels i will see you there

 

main character: :)

 

batman: smh he doesn’t deserve your kindness

 

gay gay homosexual gay: I JUST WANT TO EAT FOOD DILUC

Chapter Text

immortals gc

 

1:13PM

 

gremlin child: the heavens have blessed me today

 

gremlin child: with free food

 

peepaw: glad to hear you found a proper meal

 

feral: please tell me you didn’t go dumpster diving for it

 

gremlin child: NO

 

gremlin child: aether and lumine are simply put: angelic

 

feral: strongly agree

 

peepaw: they are quite generous and kind

 

gremlin child: there was a reason i was telling this chat tho and it was gay

 

gremlin child: give me a moment

 

feral: is anything not gay with you

 

gremlin child: oh yeah! xiao aether is wearing a crop top

 

feral:

 

peepaw: he dropped his phone

 

gremlin child: ehe~~

 

feral: ahahahahaahhahahahAHHHAAAAAAAAAA

 

feral: i have to go!!!!!

 

peepaw: why is he running

 

gremlin child: he’s gotta go find aether

 

peepaw: i do not understand

 

gremlin child: ohhhh zhongli it will all make sense in time

 

 

zhonglis ass appreciation

 

1:16PM

 

rex lapis stan: hey where the fuck is xiao running to

 

ceo of dumbassery: well in our group chat with venti, venti said aether was wearing a crop top

 

rasputin: oh?~~

 

rex lapis stan: shut up you horny fuck

 

ceo of dumbassery: so anyway

 

ceo of dumbassery: after that he ran off all flustered

 

ccocogoat: wait aether would look so good in a crop top

 

rex lapis stan: you are correct

 

rex lapis stan: those twins r so pretty and for wHAT

 

gordon ramsey: they’re both literally so attractive,,,, i think my first tru bi panic was when i first met them

 

cherry bomb: IM SO GLAD SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS

 

lesbian mom: yes very true, but where’s xiao now

 

waterboy: oh aether n i are in the library and xiao ran up and now they’re just cuddling

 

waterboy: xiao is very flustered

 

gordon ramsey: PICS OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

 

waterboy sent an image

 

cherry bomb: i’m gonna throw up that’s so cute

 

gordon ramsey: OH TO BE IN LOVE

 

ceo of dumbassery: oh are they a couple??

 

lesbian mom: ,,,,,,

 

rex lapis stan:,,,,,

 

gordon ramsey: zhongli,,,,,

 

rasputin: dear, we really need to work on your social skills

 

ceo of dumbassery: i’m confused

 

lesbian mom: to my knowledge, they aren’t officially a couple but they are both so smitten for one another

 

rex lapis stan: yeah like we can tell they’re gonna get together any day now

 

ceo of dumbassery: oh! i see

 

pirate mom: oh so like how xingqiu and chongyun are?

 

frozone: WHAT

 

waterboy: excuse me we’ve been actually dating for like a month now

 

waterboy: smh

 

frozone: were we really like that

 

frozone: if so i feel the need to apologize for being a dense motherfucker

 

lesbian mon: oh you weren’t nearly as bad

 

lesbian mom: xiao just doesn’t understand human emotion

 

frothing at the mouth: IM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE

Chapter Text

direct message lumine->venti

 

9:37 PM

 

lumine: hey venti ur friends with xiao right?

 

venti: yea! why?

 

lumine: can i have his number it’s for science

 

venti: i’m curious but i won’t question it

 

direct message unknown contact->xiao

 

9:40PM

 

unknown: hello angry man

 

xiao: um hi who the fuck are you

 

unknown: oh right

 

unknown: it’s lumine

 

xiao: WAIT WHY DIDNT WE HAVE EACH OTHER’s CONTACTS???

 

unknown: idk

 

xiao added lumine to contacts list

 

lumine: ANYWAY

 

xiao: r u gonna give me the sibling talk

 

lumine: no i assumed u already know what i’d say

 

lumine: i am simply here to help

 

lumine: i am offering my services as a wingman, so to speak

 

xiao: uh why

 

lumine: basically i want u to introduce me to keqing,,,,

 

xiao: i thought y’all were already friends??

 

lumine: we know each other bc we have the same group of friends

 

lumine: but we don’t

 

lumine: k n o w each other?

 

xiao: ahhhhh gotcha

 

xiao: well. i for one am in on this deal

 

lumine: perfECT operation homosexuals is a go

 

xiao: oh lord

 

direct message xiao->keqing

 

10:03 PM

 

xiao: :)

 

keqing: what the fuck

 

keqing: i’m scared

 

xiao: so lumine

 

keqing: yes what about her

 

xiao: what r ur thoughts on her

 

keqing: well i’m not very close with her,

 

keqing: i wish we were closer she seems really nice

 

keqing: not to mention she’s beautiful

 

keqing: wait what

 

xiao: oh?

 

keqing: shut up i didn’t say that

 

xiao: right :)

 

xiao: so do u want me to give u her number

 

keqing: U HAVE HER NUMBER???

 

xiao: dude

 

xiao: i have the fattest crush on her twin brother

 

xiao: so yeah?

 

keqing: ,,,,,, i would not mind having her number

 

immortals gc

 

10:10 PM

 

gremlin child: so xiao why’d lumine want ur number

 

peepaw: you’re attempting to date aether and you didn’t have his sisters number?

 

feral: SHUT UP ZHONGLI

 

feral: also she wanted to make a deal

 

gremlin child: OH???

 

feral: she helps me get with aether i help her get closer to keqing

 

peepaw: interesting

 

gremlin child: this took a VERY gay twist and i’m very ok with that

 

 

direct message unknown->lumine

 

10:10 PM

 

unknown: is this lumine??

 

lumine: um yes! who are u?

 

unknown: oh hi! it’s keqing, i’m friends with ur brothers uh

 

unknown: almost boyfriend

 

lumine: OH hi!! i’m glad i finally got your number!

 

lumine added keqing to contact list

 

keqing: likewise

 

lumine: so is there any reason why you needed to contact me?

 

lumine: that sounded rude i think,

 

keqing: shdhfhsha no it’s ok

 

keqing: and i just thought it would be nice to get to know you better ;)

 

-

 

Lumine dropped her phone on her face in stunned silence. After a beat, she turned and shoved her face into her pillow, before promptly screaming. She turned back to her ceiling and brought her phone up in front of her face again, her cheeks turned bright red.

 

-

 

keqing: hello? you okay?

 

lumine: yes! yes, i was just grabbing something to drink is all

 

lumine: and i’m glad to hear that! i’ve been meaning to ask for your number for a while now!

 

-

 

Keqing’s face reddened quickly at that. The pen she was using to finish her homework clattered to her desk as she set her phone down and muffled a squeak into the palms of her hands. After regaining her composure, she lifted her phone from the desk to type a reply to Lumine.

 

-

 

immortals gc

 

10:27PM

 

gremlin child: i can feel the gay panic in the air

 

gremlin child: with my god-like powers

 

feral: shut up

Chapter Text

barbatos take the wheel

 

8:18AM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: fell asleep in my car in a mcdonald’s parking lot last night :/

 

gay gay homosexual gay: and i’m late for my first class

 

batman: ok normally i’d make fun of you

 

batman: but i’m genuinely concerned?

 

team mom: venti what the hell?

 

team mom: you’re always welcome to stay at my place if you need to

 

gay gay homosexual gay: I KNOW i literally went there to get dinner and passed out mid-sausage mcmuffin

 

chalk man: ok i literally don’t know how to respond to that

 

cOoL iT: ayo what the fuck

 

batman: okay the concern is gone how the hell did you pass out while eating

 

gay gay homosexual gay: probably cause i haven’t taken my antidepressants in like a month :)

 

team mom: jfc

 

church girl: venti please,,,,,,,,

 

anime protagonist: venti i am outside your apartment let me in

 

gay gay homosexual gay: WHAT?

 

anime protagonist: lumine and i are here with soup open up

 

gay gay homosexual gay: hOWD YOU GET HERE SO FAST

 

anime protagonist: irrelevant now open your door your soup is getting cold

 

cOoL iT: can you bring me soup

 

anime protagonist: are you a depressed homosexual

 

cOoL iT: yeah i thought that was a requirement to be in this chat

 

chalk man: it’s not i’m homophobic

 

cOoL iT: we’re literally dating

 

chalk man: yeah and i still hate the gays

 

drama club president: fools, i’m too god-like to be depressed

 

batman: i’m telling my therapist that

 

team mom: please don’t

 

travel gods

 

9:23AM

 

emergency food: ok why’d you two leave in the middle of class

 

aether: oh venti was being depressed

 

lumine: yea

 

emergency food: oh did this take place in that group chat you rEFUSE TO ADD ME TO??

 

lumine: oh shit ur not in that chat???

 

emergency food: NO.

 

aether oh damn we’ll add u

 

barbatos take the wheel:

 

9:25AM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: so basically i’m saying that i am god

 

church girl: p sure ur gonna go to hell for saying that

 

main character: i’m adding paimon

 

main character added paimon(^-^)/

 

main character changed paimon(^-^)/ ‘s name to emergency food

 

emergency food: CAN I EVER EXCAPE THIS GOD FORSAKEN NICK NAME

 

cOoL iT: what the fuck is a paimon

 

anime protagonist: emergency food

 

emergency food: NO IM NOT

 

emergency food: i am just a small creachur

 

gay gay homosexual gay: immaculate mood

 

batman: shut up u twink

 

gay gay homosexual gay: diluc please i slept at a goddamned mcdonald’s can i get a break

 

batman: no that just makes things worse for u

 

emergency food: you fell asleep at a mcdonalds?

 

gay gay homosexual gay: yeah and what about it

 

emergency food: paimon is confused

 

chalk man: we all are

 

gay gay homosexual gay: ur literally the smartest one here

 

chalk man: yet my head is so empty

Chapter Text

zhonglis ass appreciation

 

4:52PM

 

frothing at the mouth: who’s this half naked man running around campus

 

rex lapis stan: h u h

 

frothing at the mouth: also when i say half naked i don’t mean shirtless

 

rex lapis stan: ,,,,, a pantless man is running around campus?

 

frothing at the mouth: yeah?

 

frozone: that’s probably razor

 

frothing at the mouth: who

 

rex lapis stan: who

 

brainless twinks

 

5:08 PM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: razor please put on some pants

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m getting embarrassed by association

 

definitely not a furry: what the fuck are pants

 

anime protagonist: please,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

definitely not a furry: maybe i will put on “pants”

 

waterboy: why are their quotations around pants

 

definitely not a furry: pants aren’t real

 

frozone: okay!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: please. i’m begging you

 

gods least favorite: razor where did your pants go you had some this morning

 

definitely not a furry: traded em

 

gods least favorite: WHAT??

 

definitely not a furry: i wanted this kid’s sandwich

 

chalk man: why do we let you outside

 

waterboy: we shouldn’t

 

definitely not a furry: I WANTED A SANDWICH CAN YOU BLAME ME

 

anime protagonist: yeah

 

chalk man: yeah

 

gay gay homosexual gay: yeah

 

waterboy: yeah

 

definitely not a furry: smh i’m never appreciated here

 

chalk man: maybe if u wore pants?

 

definitely not a furry: PANTS DONT DEFINE MY WORTH

 

barbatos take the wheel

 

5:23PM

 

church girl: razor where are your pants

 

definitely not a furry: WHY DOES EVERYONE CARE SO MUCH ABOUT MY PANTS

 

cOoL iT: smh get out of razors pants guys

 

chalk man: hey! can you literally shut up for like ten minutes

 

cOoL iT: BULLIED BY MY OWN BOYFRIEND

 

maid-sama: please put pants on i’m begging u,,,

 

definitely not a furry: can a guy just get a sandwich around here

 

glucose: yeah but preferably while ur wearing pants

 

definitely not a furry: i’m gonna bark at u

 

chalk man: hey!! don’t

 

definitely not a furry: i hate u all smh

Chapter Text

zhonglis ass appreciation

 

12:16 AM

 

rasputin: number one victory royale yeah fortnite we bout to get down

 

waterboy: GET DOWN!!

 

rasputin: tEN KILLS ON THE BOARD RIGHT NOW JUST WIPED OUT TOMATO TOWN

 

frothing at the mouth: shut your whore mouth

 

rasputin: :(

 

ceo of dumbassery: xiao don’t call people whores

 

frothing at the mouth: ok dad.

 

ceo of dumbassery: childe what even were you saying

 

rasputin: somg

 

frothing at the mouth: somg??

 

ceo of dumbassery: somg

 

rasputin: SOMG!!

 

lesbian mom: please go to bed

 

lesbian mom: fukin. lgbts i swear

 

rasputin: is anyone here NOT lgbt

 

frothing at the mouth: ur literally most likely to be the straight friend

 

rasputin: ouch :(

 

cocogoat: i’m literally straight??

 

lesbian mom: oh honey

 

pirate mom: oh honey

 

frothing at the mouth: PFFHSNDDNDNS

 

cocogoat: eye,,,,

 

rasputin: ganyu hetties don’t say “eye” in replace of i

 

frothing at the mouth: u also talk in all lowercase letters so

 

frothing at the mouth: case closed u homo

 

rasputin: also i have seen u ogle at SEVERAL women before

 

frothing agh the mouth: who the fuck says ogle

 

cocogoat: ,,,,i need time to process this information

 

cocogoat: i am starting to realize you are probably right

 

lesbian mom: yes u go sweetie overcome that internalized homophobia

 

lesbian mom: i am always here to talk with you

 

cocogoat: thank you mom i would do anything for u

 

ceo of dumbassery: i am very proud of you for coming to this realization, ganyu

 

rex lapis stan: i feel like i should let you all know that she is blushing

 

cocogoat: STOP NO IM NOT AHHHH

 

cocogoat: thank u zhongli i really appreciate u as a friend :)

 

ceo of dumbassery: of course, and i appreciate you, ganyu

 

rasputin: do u appreciate me zhongli

 

ceo of dumbassery: i appreciate your wallet

 

lesbian mom: AHAHHAHSHSDN

 

frothing at the mouth: YHSHDJAMASM

 

rasputin: i don’t even know how to respond to that

 

ceo of dumbassery: i apologize, venti took my phone

 

ceo of dumbassery: luckily i caught him before he added himself to the chat

 

frothing at the mouth: thank gOD u caught him

 

rasputin added gay gay homosexual gay

 

gay gay homosexual gay: you called?

 

frothing at the mouth: LEAVE

 

lesbian mom: how’d you even know what he said???

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m god

 

frothing at the mouth: leave before i come beat ur twink ass up!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: ahaha i feel threatened

 

gay gay homosexual gay has left the chat

Chapter Text

barbatos take the wheel

 

9:55PM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: *kicks down the door* if i don’t have a boyfriend in approximately fifteen minutes i will burn down this apartment complex

 

cOoL iT: imagine being single

 

gay gay homosexual gay: WHO LET THE DUMB BITCH GET A BOYFRIEND BEFORE ME

 

gay gay homosexual gay: dear universe please bestow upon me a boyfriend

 

chalk man: i though u were god

 

chalk man: just make ur own??

 

anime protagonist: aww venti i’m sure you’ll find someone to love soon!!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: if i weren’t scared of xiao i would kiss you

 

batman: why tf r u yelling

 

gay gay homosexual gay: I WANT A BOYFRIEND DAMN IT

 

church girl: is this because xiao officially asked aether out

 

anime protagonist: actually i asked him

 

church girl: OH??,,

 

gay gay homosexual gay: iS tHiS bEcAuSe XiAo AnD aEtHeR

 

gay gay homosexual gay: YES ITS BECAUSE OF THEM

 

anime protagonist: did we do something wrong

 

gay gay homosexual gay: NO ur both literally so cute and it makes me want a boYFRIEND.... DAMN IT

 

main character: oh sorry i was on a date with keqing

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i will be passing away now!

 

batman: venti can you shut the fuck up

 

gay gay homosexual gay: no you homos are the only ones i’m able to rant to about this

 

anime protagonist: what about xiao and zhongli??

 

gay gay homosexual gay: THEYRE BOTH DATING SOMEONE AT LEAST SOME OF U ARE SINGLE

 

gods least favorite: ahaha i can change that baby

 

gay gay homosexual gay: literally anyone else??

 

gods least favorite: damn it

 

definitely not a furry: bennett what about me

 

gods least favorite: i’m sorry i love u

 

definitely not a furry: :)

 

gay gay homosexual gay: NOT YOU TWO TOO,,,,,,,,

 

gay gay homosexual gay: is anyone out there,,,, not in a relationship,,,, please,,,,, help me

 

batman: god i hate you!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: dilUC UR SINGLE

 

batman: aND?? WHAT ABOUT IT PIPSQUEAK

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m not aloNE IN MY PAIN

 

batman: yes you are! fuck you!!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: (._.)

 

batman: ok i’m sorry

 

batman: u can rant to me when u want to i guess

 

gay gay homosexual gay: YAY

 

direct message venti->diluc

 

10:02PM

 

venti: i haven’t felt the sensation of

 

venti: wait imagine i’m swirling wine in a wine glass rn

 

diluc: no

 

venti: i haven’t felt the sensation of love since my ex husband left me for that BITCH in barcelona

 

diluc: i thought we were here to talk about your lack of a boyfriend

 

venti: are you paYING ATTENTION

 

diluc: _

 

venti: fINE FINE

 

venti: i just want to be loved is that so bad

 

diluc: no that’s understandable

 

venti: sO UR SAYING U UNDERSTAND

 

diluc: i mean i guess

 

diluc: then again i’ve never really fallen in love with anyone

 

diluc: i just know most people enjoy being in love

 

venti: yes and i am most people

 

venti: *screams* just leT ME BE HAPPY

 

diluc: y do you do the thing with the asterisks

 

venti: idk it adds flare

 

venti: but anyways thanks diluc talking to u strangely made me feel better

 

diluc: of course, u do annoy me occasionally but we’re friends and you’re allowed to talk to me

 

venti: (●´ω ●)

 

direct message diluc-> kaeya

 

10:06PM

 

diluc: hi why am i nervous

 

kaeya: what what happened

 

diluc: venti actually dmed me after his freak out in the group right

 

diluc: why am i nervous now

 

kaeya: BAHAHAHSHSAJJD

 

kaeya: DOES SOMEONE HAVE A C R U S H

 

diluc: SHUT UP WHY DID I COME TALK TO YOU

 

immortals gc

 

10:06PM

 

gremlin child: GOD DAMN IT I CANT TELL IF IM LONELY OR GENUINELY FORMING A CRUSH

 

feral: lord

 

peepaw: what’s the matter, venti?

 

gremlin child: so yknow how aether n xiao r like. official now?

 

gremlin child: yeah so like i complained abou t it to the group chat and diluc offered to talk and we did and now i’m flustered

 

feral: oh this is too funny

 

feral: screenshoting this and sending it to ganyu

 

gremlin child: NONO ONONO GET BACK HERE

 

peepaw: i too find this amusing

 

gremlin child: I KNEW I SHOULDNT HAVE TALKED TO YOU TWO

Chapter Text

zhonglis ass appreciation

 

1:15 PM

 

frothing at the mouth: yknow the amount of times this chat is brought up to my therapist is alarming

 

rex lapis stan: then leave

 

frothing at the mouth: no where else can i watch zhongli try and fail at flirting with childe

 

rex lapis stan: aren’t you neighbors?

 

frothing at the mouth: ahaha i don’t know what you mean

 

rasputin: he likes us too much to leave

 

frothing at the mouth: SHUT UR WHORE MOUTH

 

ceo of dumbassery: xiao we’ve discussed this

 

frothing at the mouth changed ceo of dumbassery’s name to peepaw

 

rasputin: BAHADHFHDH

 

peepaw: what

 

frothing at the mouth: u deserved it

 

peepaw changed frothing at the mouths name to catboy

 

catboy: o_o

 

rasputin: GAHAHAHSHSNSN

 

catboy: oH IS THIS FUNNY TO YOU

 

waterboy: oh my god xiao gives off such catboy energy

 

catboy: ahahaha on my way to therapy!

 

catboy: linda’s hearing about this one!

 

rasputin: omg my therapist is named linda too

 

catboy: wait don’t u go to therapy at that place on 5th ave

 

rasputin: ye

 

catboy: do

 

catboy: DO WE HAVE THE SAME THERAPIST

 

rasputin: whAT

 

rex lapis stan: OFKSMMAMSSM

 

rex lapis stan: do u think she knows u two r friends

 

catboy: don’t ever call him my friend again what the fuck

 

rasputin: :(

 

peepaw: xiao can you please be nicer to my boyfriend

 

rasputin: :)

 

catboy: u nAMED ME CATBOY I DONT HAVE TO BE NICE

 

peepaw: :(

 

catboy: ok fine maybe i’ll be nice

 

rasputin: anyways i’m gonna go text linda about this she’ll think it’s funny

 

catboy: DEAR GOD PLEASE DONT SHELL MAKE A GROUP CHAT

 

rasputin: the text is sent :)

 

catboy: i’m gonna k word you!

 

2:37 PM

 

catboy: ╹◡╹

 

rasputin: xiao was right kinda made a feelings group chat

 

rasputin: he also showed up at my dorm and tried to beat me up

 

catboy: i don’t think u can call it trying when u were seeking medical help when i was done

 

rasputin: details aren’t necessary

 

catboy: i think they are

 

peepaw: can you two please just try and get along

 

catboy: oh don’t worry linda’s trying to get us to get along

 

catboy: keyword trying

 

rasputin: y don’t u like me

 

catboy: U TRIED TO KILL AETHER AND LUMINE??? SEVERAL TIMES???

 

rasputin: I APOLOGIZED IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING

 

catboy: sure it was gayboy

 

rasputin: UR DATING A MAN

 

peepaw: please. just for ten minutes. please.

Chapter Text

barbatos take the wheel

 

3:43AM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m making a gc

 

batman: we already have one

 

gay gay homosexual gay: no another one but this one will have zhongli and xiao and all their friends

 

batman: no

 

gay gay homosexual gay: u don’t have a choice

 

anime protagonist: sounds fun and overwhelming count me in!

 

zhonglis ass appreciation

 

3:44 AM

 

peepaw: i feel the need to warn you all that venti is making a group chat that includes all of us and all of his friends

 

rex lapis stan: oh on god?

 

rasputin: i think you mean “oh on zhongli?”

 

catboy: we get it u like ur boyfriend

 

rasputin: ur one to talk

 

rex lapis stan: for the love of god please shut up

 

3:52 AM

 

gay gay homosexual gay created teyvats gay club

 

gay gay homosexual gay added anime protagonist, main character and 25 others

 

gay gay homosexual gay: what’s up fuckers!

 

pirate mom: dear god that’s a lot of new contacts

 

glucose: woah hi

 

gay gay homosexual gay: why are so many of you awake

 

rasputin: you literally.

 

rasputin: you literally put us here??

 

gay gay homosexual gay: and i was expecting everyone to be asleep

 

frozone: oh my god y’all

 

frozone: where’s hu tao

 

waterboy: ...

 

waterboy: HAS SHE NOT BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME

 

cocogoat: omg hu tao come home <3

 

gordon ramsey added basically a hitman

 

cocogoat: she’s home!

 

basically a hitman: owo what the fuck is this!

 

basically a hitman: dear lord there’s like thirty of you

 

batman: i have no idea who any of you are

 

gay gay homosexual gay: that is the point of this gc

 

gay gay homosexual gay: we all need more friends

 

batman: do we?

 

cOoL iT: says u

 

cOoL iT: mr had an all time low phase

 

batman: DEAR MARIA COUNT ME IN IS A GOOD SONG FUCK YOU

 

gay gay homosexual gay: they hated him cause he spoke the truth

 

batman: THANK YOU VENTI

 

batman: never thought id say that

 

cOoL iT: fukin emos. gay emos. when did i deserve this torment

 

batman: remember when u fought me after dad died

 

cOoL iT: AS I RECALL

 

cOoL iT: YOU STARTED THAT

 

catboy: i didn’t think venti was serious about this what the fuck

 

anime protagonist: xiao!!

 

catboy: :)

 

anime protagonist: go to bed,,,,,,

 

catboy: you’re awake tho?

 

anime protagonist: yea but i didn’t pull an all nighter yesterday

 

anime protagonist: if ur still online in five minutes i’m breaking up with you!

 

catboy: GOODNIGHT,,!

 

basically a hitman: oh to be in love

 

gay gay homosexual gay: hard agree

 

cOoL iT: diluc is literally right there smh

 

batman: SHUT UR WHIRE MOUTH

 

gay gay homosexual gay: what :D

 

batman: goodnight!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: no come back

 

cOoL iT: :)

Chapter Text

teyvats gay club

 

1:32 PM

 

cOoL iT: i want a church girl

 

cOoL iT: that go to church

 

chalk man: im atheist

 

cOoL iT: ANDREEDYERBIEBLEEE

 

church girl: i think i’m gonna convert to atheism now

 

cOoL iT: eye,,,

 

rex lapis stan: does anything useful ever go on in ur head

 

cOoL iT: no!

 

chalk man: i do his thinking for him

 

cocogoat: awwww that’s actually kinda cute

 

basically a hitman: i think ur kinda cute ( `・ ω ´)

 

cocogoat: SHHDSAKAM hu tao ily

 

basically a hitman: ily more <3

 

gordon ramsey: UGH homosexuals

 

basically a hitman: shut it ur literally dating xinyan

 

gordon ramsey: i am?

 

cherry bomb: we’re dating?

 

frozone: EYE,,,,,

 

waterboy: you two were literally kissing at our last party what,,,,,

 

cherry bomb: i thought that was platonic

 

gordon ramsey: yeah like a homie make out session

 

waterboy: literally what the fuck

 

catboy: please tell me ur not serious

 

cherry bomb: WHATS WRONG WITH KISSIN DA HOMIES

 

catboy: dear morax can i please get a break

 

peepaw: try again tomorrow :(

 

catboy: ZHONGLI.

 

rasputin: SHDHDHAHJSJD

 

gay gay homosexual gay: pretending to be god is my thing :(

 

peepaw: who said i’m pretending

 

gay gay homosexual gay: omg we’re both god????

 

rasputin: gasp

 

rasputin: i’m dating god

 

gay gay homosexual gay: ew

 

rasputin: i’m sorry who invited you?

 

gay gay homosexual gay: I LITERALLY MADE THE GROUP CHAT

 

batman: PFOSKSJSJ

 

cOoL iT: omg diluc knows how to keysmash??

 

chalk man: for some reason that was deeply disturbing

 

batman: eye,,,,

 

batman: i know what a keysmash is??

 

cOoL iT: AND HE SAYS EYE

 

cOoL iT: what haVE YOU DONE WITH MY BROTHER

 

gay gay homosexual gay: oops

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i may have taught him too much

 

cOoL iT: OHHOHOHOHOHOOO

 

batman: that’s never a good sign

 

cOoL iT: i feel like i’m the only one making developments in this relationship

 

cOoL iT: and i’m not even in it

 

gay gay homosexual gay: eye,,,,,,

 

batman: eye,,,,,,

 

gordon ramsey: omg true love <3

 

cherry bomb: what abt us babe

 

gordon ramsey: i’d never forget about u babe muah

 

catboy: i thought u we’re just homies

 

gordon ramsey: HOMIES THAT CALL EACH OTHER BABE

 

peepaw: personally

 

peepaw: and this might just be a me thing

 

peepaw: i don’t think “homies” call each other babe

 

catboy: oh it’s def not just a you thing

 

gay gay homosexual gay: yea definitely not

 

gordon ramsey: damn all three self proclaimed immortals have gone against me

 

gordon ramsey: i fear i have lost this argument

 

cherry bomb: it’s ok babe i’ll still kiss u

 

gordon ramsey: omg babe ily

 

cherry bomb: ily2 sweetheart <3

 

catboy: lgbts are useless

 

anime protagonist: :( xiao

 

catboy: certain lgbts are useless

 

gordon ramsey: my mans has a point

 

gordon ramsey: venti IS useless

 

batman: true

 

gay gay homosexual gay: AYO WHAT THE FUCK

 

gay gay homosexual gay: I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING

 

batman: but u exist

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i’m never appreciated in this household

 

team mom: y’all hear smthn

 

gay gay homosexual gay: JEAN

 

cOoL iT: SSFSFSGSHSHJDJD

 

chalk man: she’s silent for months just to come on to harass venti

 

gay gay homosexual gay: WHEN DID I DESERVE THIS

 

cOoL iT: tbh u don’t but it’s kinda funny

 

gay gay homosexual gay: heart been broke so many times i don’t know what to believe

 

 

Chapter Text

direct message kaeya->albedo

 

1:18pm

 

kaeya: albedo

 

kaeya: my one true love

 

kaeya: my star

 

albedo: what do u want

 

kaeya: i have caught my brother and that green twink on a date

 

albedo: wait on god?

 

kaeya: YES

 

albedo: thank fuck bennett owes me $12 now

 

kaeya: why $12 specifically

 

albedo: cause it’s all he had when we made the bet

 

direct message diluc->kaeya

 

1:21pm

 

diluc: DONT ACT LIKE WE DIDNT JUST MAKE EYE CONTACT

 

kaeya: i don’t know what u mean smh

 

diluc: why are u here i’m gonna k word you

 

kaeya: i’m here all the time why are YOU here

 

diluc: cause i like the food and venti wanted to try it

 

kaeya: WHIPPED

 

diluc: SHUT YOUR EHORE MOUTH

 

teyvats gay club

 

1:23pm

 

cOoL iT sent an image

 

rasputin: OHOHOHOOO

 

batman: i knew dad should have left u out of the will

 

cOoL iT: ouch :(

 

batman: delete that maybe i’ll apologize

 

gay gay homosexual gay: EYE

 

gay gay homosexual gay: can we have lunch in pEACE

 

cOoL iT: no everyone needs to know

 

gods least favorite: damn it i owe albedo $12 now

 

chalk man: THATS RIGHT PAY UP

 

main character: oh is diluven canon now??

 

batman: DILUVEN???

 

cOoL iT: BAHAHANSNSJDJD

 

cOoL iT: lumine i love you

 

gay gay homosexual gay: DILUVEN,,,,,,,,,, WHY DID U,,,,,

 

main character: aether and i have made one for practically every relationship in this chat

 

anime protagonist: my personal favorite is chili

 

cOoL iT: chili??

 

rex lapis stan: IS THAT CHILDE AND ZHONGLI.???

 

main character: DINDINGDING

 

rasputin: oh my god wait that’s amazing

 

peepaw: ,,,,,, chili?

 

cocogoat: chili power couple

 

cOoL iT: what’s mine and albedos

 

main character: kaebedo!

 

cOoL iT: GREAT i’m putting that on a shirt

 

chalk man: no you’re not!

 

cOoL iT: already ordered it

 

main character: anyways is diluven canon now

 

cOoL iT: idk i left before diluc could kill me

 

batman: WE’RE JUST GETTING LUNCH???

 

gods least favorite: sure u are gayboy

 

teyvats gay club

 

7:48pm

 

gay gay homosexual gay: update! diluven canon

 

cOoL iT: OMG REALLY

 

batman: yeah i guess

 

gay gay homosexual gay: YOU GUESS??

 

gay gay homosexual gay: blocking u

 

batman: no i’m sorry

 

batman: diluven canon

 

main character: GOOD finally

 

gods least favorite: “jUsT gEtTiNg LuNcH” headass

 

batman: smh i was trying to keep a low profile y’all fucked it up

 

gay gay homosexual gay: awww it was still sweet either way

 

batman: shut up!

 

gay gay homosexual gay: u literally just confessed ur love for me don’t tell me to shut up

 

batman: -_-

 

church girl: mom and dad are fighting again :(

 

batman: MOM AND DAD???

 

gay gay homosexual gay: HSHSHDHFHDHSHSJDJDH

 

gordon ramsey: omg maybe venti isn’t useless

 

catboy: debatable

 

gay gay homosexual gay: please can we go one chapter without me getting bullied

 

gordon ramsey: chapter???

 

batman: no bullying u is too fun

 

gay gay homosexual gay: even my own boyfriend:(

 

cOoL iT: u get used to it

 

 

Chapter Text

teyvats gay club

 

9:36 AM

 

anime protagonist: ok who’s screaming in the dorms it’s not even noon yet

 

definitely not a furry: bennett

 

chalk man: okay! why

 

gods least favorite: WHY IS THERE A SNAKE IN MY ROOM

 

definitely not a furry: oh that’s beatrice

 

definitely not a furry: she needed somewhere to sleep

 

gods least favorite: SO U CHOSE OUR DORM

 

definitely not a furry: i wanted to be a good host

 

rasputin: where the fuck did u get a snake?

 

rasputin: and can i get one too?

 

peepaw: absolutely not

 

definitely not a furry: she was just vibing in the hallway

 

definitely not a furry: so i took her

 

anime protagonist: why are you like this

 

definitely not a furry: like what

 

gods least favorite: razor my beloved

 

gods least favorite: please inform me beforehand if ur gonna bring a snake in here

 

definitely not a furry: i’m sorry ily

 

gods least favorite: ily2

 

rasputin: so like where did the snake come from tho

 

rasputin: was it just a wild one that got in or

 

peepaw: wait a minute

 

direct message zhongli->baizhu

 

zhongli: are you missing changsheng

 

baizhu: YES AND IM FREAKING OU

 

baizhu: HOWD U KNOW

 

teyvats gay club

 

9:42 AM

 

peepaw added baizhu

 

peepaw: razor i believe u may have stolen baizhu snake

 

baizhu: WHICH ONE IS RAZOR

 

definitely not a furry: oh that me

 

peepaw: razor found a snake in the hallway last night and took it home

 

baizhu: send me a picture of it rn

 

definitely not a furry sent a photo

 

baizhu: CHANGSHENG

 

baizhu: HAND HER OVER

 

gods least favorite: please do

 

definitely not a furry: but i like her :(

 

baizhu: i will let u visit her now pls give her back i miss her

 

definitely not a furry: ok fine i’m sorry i took her

 

baizhu: it’s ok at least she’s home again

 

rasputin: wtf

 

rasputin: just happened

 

baizhu: i lost my snake

 

rasputin: yeah but like. w h a t

 

peepaw: baizhu needed his snake back

 

rasputin: i think i need to go talk to linda

 

catboy: make it a group therapy session

 

peepaw: glad to see u two are getting along

 

 

Chapter Text

teyvats gay club

 

10:22 PM

 

gay gay homosexual gay: what the hell is in mayo

 

batman: DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK

 

peepaw: mayo is a high fat condiment made from egg yolks, vinegar or lemon juice, and various spices and flavorings

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i can always count on u grandpa

 

batman: ,

 

chalk man: WHAT

 

chalk man: HOWD HE JUST KNOW THAT

 

rasputin: zhongli is just the entirety of wikipedia shoved into one person

 

rasputin: watch this

 

rasputin: how many different dog breeds are there

 

peepaw: in the united states alone, the AKC's (american kennel club) dog breed list currently includes 190 dog breeds. worldwide, the FCI (fédération cynologique internationale) lists 360 officially recognized breeds.

 

cOoL iT: what the fuck???

 

chalk man: i can’t tell if that was cool or terrifying

 

rasputin: i’m just saying we’ve never lost trivia night

 

rasputin: team chili reigns superior

 

gay gay homosexual gay: i think u mean team zhongli

 

catboy: yeah i doubt u do anything

 

rasputin: shut up!!

 

peepaw: it is a very useful skill

 

batman: how do you

 

batman: do that??

 

gay gay homosexual gay: idk if he knows he’s been doing that since high school

 

peepaw: i do not know why i remember all this stuff

 

rasputin: yet u can’t remember ur wallet or ur damN KEYS

 

peepaw: i’m only allowed one relevant thought per month

 

chalk man: omg

 

chalk man: i’m a zhongli kinnie???

 

peepaw: what is a “kinnie”

 

catboy: oh lord

 

batman: i just heard venti cackle

 

gay gay homosexual gay: it means he admires u

 

peepaw: oh

 

peepaw: i appreciate it, albedo

 

peepaw: in that case i am an albedo kinnie

 

rasputin: oh my god

 

catboy: i don’t feel the need to correct this one

 

chalk man: ,,,,,,

 

chalk man: i appreciate it zhongli

 

cOoL iT: so zhongli who’s all on your kin list

 

peepaw: kin list?

 

gay gay homosexual gay: it’s a list of people you admire!

 

peepaw: i see

 

batman: dear god

 

gay gay homosexual gay: yes?

 

peepaw: i feel writing out my kin list would take too long

 

cOoL iT: i’m surprised childe hasn’t said anything

 

rasputin: i find i am enjoying this

 

peepaw: enjoying what?

 

anime protagonist: ok i feel bad

 

gay gay homosexual gay: shut it gayboy!!!

 

batman: veNTI. UR LITERALLY GAY.

 

gay gay homosexual gay: UR ONE TO TALK GAYBOY

 

anime protagonist: what has gotten into him today ,,,

 

gay gay homosexual gay: IM ASCENDING INTO MY GOD FORM

 

batman: i think he had a monster like ten minutes ago

 

gay gay homosexual gay: NO!!!!!!

 

chalk man: okay very cool!!!!

 

church girl: god i knew i was homophobic for a reason