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What Would Freud Say?

Summary:

Dani shows Malcolm some kindness and he thinks that she is the best person he knows...

The aftermath of his fall and confession to Dani about what really happened with Endicott

Notes:

So I'm sure we were all left with so many feels after 2x06, so I decided to break the scene from the precinct down and this is going where we will see haha I might leave it as a one-shot or continue it not sure it. This is also my first PS post here though not my first story, so please comment and let me know what you think. <3

This was not beta-read!

The title is of course from their theme song on the show and the start of their friendship...

Chapter Text


The sharp pain blinded him slightly as he slowly walked off balance towards JT and Dani

He raised his eyes to her face, so familiar, and yet he felt like something was missing, her eyes full of concern, the lightness in her approach, that intimacy that was there in his dream was gone, because that Dani stayed locked away in his subconscious, yet here she was solid and in front of him. His chest tightened as he swallowed and asked softly, “When was the last time I spoke to you?”

Dani knit her brows together, of course, this was to be expected after he had fallen 4 stories down an elevator shaft, she wasn’t sure how he was still standing so of course he was probably a bit disoriented but this subdued Bright felt off, “uh, like, 20 minutes ago.” She saw the almost ghost of an expression pass through his eyes as he nodded, as her eyes drifted to get a look at him she noticed something in his hand. “Is that a human skull?”

“I know who the killer is.” He said, there are just too many things going through his head and he had to put his angst on the back burner for now. There was a job that had to be done, the only thing he can do. Even in his wildest dreams, he was a detective…

The rest of it moved quickly as they arrested Rupert Swann the Bowery Ripper, the confusion riddled questions from Greta his daughter flooding Malcolm’s head, he remembered what it was like to be in her shoes, at least she was old enough to truly understand the gravity of what was happening, at least she had time to be with her father. He now knew what his life would be like if he never knew about The Surgeon if he had gone on living in a dream-like state. He chanced a glance at Dani who was driving them back to the precinct. He would be someone she could be with.

“Hey, you ok?” she asked turning her head to look at him. Her mantra when it came to him, constantly trying because she was the best person he knew. “How do you feel?”

He lifted a hand to his head and flinched, it was damp with his blood, this is who he was, someone who was bloody and grimy, literally and metaphorically. “Like I fell down an elevator shaft.”

“Next time, I recommend the stairs.” She teased to lighten the mood, as she usually did when he got in his head too deep.

Malcolm chuckled softly, “yea…” giving his subconscious some credit for being able to recreate Dani perfectly. The rest of the drive was quiet and that feeling that something was off with him wouldn’t stop nagging her.

II

Of course, he would figure out a murder in a dream, they had booked Rupert Swann, Bright gave his statement to them explaining how he figured it out and the wild dream he had where Gil was the one in Claremont instead of his father, now she could tell that something was definitely off, more than the concussion he was probably suffering from, more than the fatigue of his body slamming into concrete and the remains of a body and god knows what else.

She couldn’t help but watch him a bit closer, there was a blanket of melancholy that sat around his shoulders always, that he wore almost like a cape of retribution but it never slowed him down. But today he seemed to be crushed by the weight of it and she wondered what it was that added to that. Was it the way Greta Swann seemed destroyed by her father like he was? She also noticed that his eyes mostly avoided hers, or would linger on her ever so slightly when he thought she wasn't looking. She chewed the inside of her cheek, there was an anxiousness that has been growing lately regarding the man sat across from her. Something was definitely wrong, she just had to decide if she wanted to cross that threshold to push him and demand answers as if she had the right to them.

Gil sat back in his chair arms folded across his chest, letting a sigh escape, he looked at Malcolm, “get yourself checked out for that nasty gash, go home, clean up and get some rest. You look like hell.” All said with a teasing affection behind the words.

He felt like hell, and honestly to some extent been through it only to walk right back into the real one. He nodded from where he sat, it was as if this was the dream state.

“Nice work man, get some rest,” JT said as he stood to exit the room mumbling, “You must be the luckiest man alive to avoid dying so much…”

The warmth was there, but it was missing just that little bit of familiarity that his subconscious JT had. The familiarity of close partners, or people who shared time outside of work, that spend weekends and shared families to form a bigger bond. His lips curved a little and he found himself softly say, “Thanks.”

Gil was next to leave the room, giving his shoulder a squeeze in that affectionate way he has always done. You lose things but you gain others, the world was working with balancing weights, and to tip the scale just back a little it gave him things like Gil and her. He noticed that Dani hadn’t moved from where she leaned against the windows, the street lights illuminating her in a yellowish glow.

She looked nervous like she wanted to ask him more. They were always in this constant battle it seems, he tried not to profile her but he also knew things worked closer to black and white for Dani, his shades of gray, his secrets, and reasoning wouldn’t make sense to her convictions and integrity. So he broke the rules again and tried to read her. But his mind wouldn’t stop showing him the flashes of her that he wanted, the comfort and ease she brought him and felt with him. The way he imagined her lips felt and tasted.

He sighed, his ever trembling hand going to his head and instantly feeling the sore skin of his temple, his body jerked ever so slightly, but she caught it. She wordlessly stood up straight and walked out of the room, he scoffed a bit at himself. His father wasn’t wrong he did create the misery he lived in, he made the wrong decisions over and over and the biggest one he had to sort out now was Ainsley. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t hear her come back in or that she was pulling up a chair until he felt her hand tentatively touch his wrist that rested against his temple.

His eyes went to her instantly, her warmth assaulted him and comforted him, her scent a combination of jasmine and ylang-ylang which was subtle hit him fully. She had a packet of what looked like wet wipes in her hand, “I always keep these cause you know the hassle of the job, never know when you’re gonna get dirty or bloody.”

He couldn’t say a word as she pulled one free and proceeded to wipe at the dried grime and blood around his face. The gentleness of this Dani matching that of the one that lived in his mind. She continued to talk softly, “I mean it’s not a shower, which you will need but I know there is some paperwork to be done and it’s not a nice feeling when you’re already feeling like shit to be covered in it as well.”

She won’t be there not like she is here…

There was an intimacy in what she was doing, she knew that, but she couldn’t deal with this air of defeat that seems to surround him tonight, kindness is kindness she decided, she would do it for anyone she decided, no questions asked for Gil or JT, so why not him? They were friends, and friends showed each other kindness even when one of them was always pushing away. She took her right hand and turned his face to her as she worked, she was grateful that the precinct was mostly dead tonight. Under the guise of cleaning his face, she let her thumb brush his cheekbone ever so slightly, let her fingers feel the hair at his nape while covered in dirt and blood still soft. Learning the plains of his face that she’s looked at for a while now, her heart pounded in her chest as she pushed some of his hair back into place.

She heard his intake of breath at her action, and finally, she chanced a glance into his eyes. They were so blue, so fragile, and yet there was such appreciation that it hurt her heart a bit that he was in this state of never-ending chaos and pain. Malcolm’s mind flashed to a moment when she was this close to him, how her fingers cupped his face in such adoration and love, only that wasn’t real, but this was. The feel of her hands on his skin, the feeling was indescribable at the moment. It both made him feel whole and want to fall apart.

He didn’t deserve her warmth and kindness, his eyes searched hers and saw care and questions that clouded her mind that she wouldn’t ask cause she didn’t want to push and want him to be better, he had promised her he’d do better. He promised she could trust him, that he would be the kind of friend that didn’t break her trust and hurt her, but the first sign of distress he broke it and continued until he ended up here. He swallowed the lump in his throat and opened his mouth to say something, anything, to tell her everything but nothing came. And he saw her shut up again, retreating behind the wall she lived to survive.

Dani cleared her throat, dropping her hands from his face. “That should tie you over until you’re done with the basic paperwork.” Pulling away and missing the warmth of his skin. This is why it was dangerous because the line was getting blurry and her heart weaker. She balled up the used wipes and stood to leave.

“Dani,” He called as she turned her back to him, he eyed the way her body held the breath as if he would tell her now, and she could trust him to be her friend. When all he could muster was a “thank you.” she nodded without turning to look at him and walked out.

She won’t be there…

No, she wouldn’t, not if he kept this up. But the fear of how she would look at him kept him silent, the fear of what will happen to Ainsley kept him silent, the circus that would come back to life again once the media got hold of this and what it would do to his mother kept him silent. His head continued to hurt. Secrets from Ainsley, secrets from Dani, he couldn’t control this not without it causing more harm than good.

On any given day he felt like he was barely afloat, today he was definitely drowning. Sighing he started on the necessary paperwork even though he wanted to run to her and sweep her into his arms and beg her to forgive and to give him a chance. He didn’t hope for much, but he didn’t know when it happened but he started to hope for her.

II

He picked up his phone and texted Ainsley that they needed to talk and that it was urgent. He couldn’t undo what he did, but he could at least start here. Sighing he looked down at the notepad and started jotting things down for the prosecutors’ office. When he rechecked his watch again, 45 minutes had gone by, and he needed to head back to his place. His head was pounding but he stood and pulled the notepads and his folders together.

She watched him from her desk as he worked on his report, her own almost done. When she saw him twist his neck to release the tension then stand, she followed suit pulling her coat on and throwing the messenger bag across her body. She stood watching him for a second wondering if she should try again to reach him.

Walking around to the door of the conference room, she leaned against the frame and said, “that place really was haunted.”

He turned to her and chuckled, finally finding his voice again and she thought for a second that there was hope. “In my experience, people are always scarier than ghosts.” She chuckled and turned away, yeah, they were and she saw it every day. She smiled and stepped up a bit closer.

“I still can’t believe you solved a murder in a dream,” she was always impressed with his abilities, but she also knew that getting him to talk about the work is what would give her clues to what was going on in his head.

His lips turned up, “The subconscious mind is a powerful thing.” And was it, every bit of her face perfect and aligned in his head to the point of actually thinking he could taste her lips.

She looked at him and smiled, “mmhmm,” with a teasing yet heartfelt tone she followed with “Sherlock Freud cracks another one.” There were affection and admiration and something else in her eyes but he couldn’t put it together.

He just chuckled and looked down at his shoes, she was always trying and he was always letting her down. She inhaled and said, “Gil didn’t seem too pleased you said he was at Claremont.” There was a twinkle of humor but he knew what she was doing.

So countered back, “not sure why. He really pulled off a cardigan.”

She scrunched her face in that adorable way when she was about to tease him or counter his banter, and stated: “that man will be buried in a turtleneck.”

Malcolm grinned and said “right.”

These moments with her, where she let him be this way, were some of his favorite moments. Watching her trying to keep from smiling. But after tonight he felt like a fraud, who was he kidding he'd been feeling this way for some time now. He watched as she turned to leave, letting it rest there he also turned back to the task of getting his things together. "what about me?" she asked tentatively biting her lower lip, he turned to look at her as she then continuing "was I, I don't know, different in your dream?" She was curious and unsure.

Malcolme looked at her then looked away, his mind wandering to the moments etched into his brain, and softly said "Yes." the flash of her long bare legs draped across his lap, the way she kissed him, the way she made him feel like the luckiest man alive all flashed through his mind. When his eyes met hers, she had that same look she did when she asked him what he wanted to say to her while he was holding a live bomb. "and no." he found himself saying with a ghost of a smile as he thought about the softness, her ability to make him feel like he was a worthy human being, someone who deserved to be loved and realized that Dani was exactly the same in both worlds, his mind wandering right back to her in his arms looking at him with nothing but love in her eyes.

She gave him a confused smile, "what does that mean?" There was more, she knew there was. Especially now as she watched his body language the way he looked almost haunted by the memory.

Drawing himself back to the present, he took a breath and looked at her, "dream stuff, it's complicated." quickly hoping that his humble condescension would ease her away from it, to make sure she understood that he did mean it to be humble quickly added, "I wouldn't want to bore you with it."

But Dani saw that his eyes didn't agree with the words that left his mouth, he wanted to tell her everything, or at least his eyes did. She pursed her lips and smiled her defeat and told him what was always true, "The one thing you never do is bore me."

Malcolm's mind ran back to that fantasy the bit he kept to himself for himself selfishly. She had said the same there, and his heart thud just a bit harder. He looked at her and smiled and tried to hold it together, to not take the few steps parting them and cross that threshold. Instead, he watched her look at him pointedly, and say softly "goodnight Malcolm" as she turned to leave not waiting for his reply. He looked after her, the longing now unclouded because there was no one to see it, and wondered if he imagined it, she always called him Bright. Maybe his mind was playing tricks or his concussion was gearing up for another round, but he nodded his head and softly whispered back to the ghost of her scent, "goodnight," but it felt more like a goodbye.

A partner he can actually be honest with...

Malcolm scoffed and added another weight to the cape he wore...maybe someday he could tell her just how much she means to him and that she is the best person he knows. He recalled reading Murakami's words "if you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person." Dani was his salvation and in order to be hers, he needed to be honest and let her walk away from him he decided.

After all, Freud said "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways."