Han nearly has a stroke when he opens the door to his and Leia’s apartment to find a heavily armed Mandalorian sitting on his kriffing living room couch. The only thing keeping Han from pulling out his blaster is the fact said Mando had some sort of small green creature(?) in his lap cooing at Han with huge eyes and the fact Luke had obviously been engaged in a rather animated conversation (at least on Luke’s part) with the Mandalorian before his arrival.
Both Luke and Mando turn towards Han at the sound of his entrance and foot half in the door, and Han wonders if he should make a break for it. But the kid waves Han inside, and he finds himself slumped in an armchair face to face with his brother in law’s shit-eating grin, some sort of green elf baby, and what was likely a bounty hunter who looked very similar to the guy who froze him in carbonite for six months that he accidentally killed when he blindly pushed them into a Sarlacc pit.
“Han, this is Din. He’s the father of the student I was telling you about!” Said Mando- or Din as Luke called him- nodded to Han in greeting, shifting the small creature ( green baby? elf? he had no kriffing clue) as the kid squirmed babbling gibberish.
“Uh..the names Han Solo...you don’t happen to be a bounty hunter, do you?” He grinned nervously, internally kicking himself for the asking. Why did he ask that why did he do that oh, kriff Solo, you absolute dumbass. Luke gives Han a withering look, and he holds up his hands in surrender.
Ok, there is a bounty hunter in his house. Din was quite obviously a man of few words, his blunt, honest answer not relieving Han’s stress in the slightest. Luke sighs like he’s the one who should be annoyed in this situation (there’s a bounty hunter in his house! can you blame him for being a little freaked out?)
“Din isn’t going to arrest you, Han; you don’t even have a bounty out on you anymore,” Luke says, rolling his eyes at Han’s (very reasonable, thank you very much) paranoia. Han gives a helpless shrug.
“Don’t exactly have the best record with Mandos, now do I? No offense,” he quickly adds, not wanting to offend the heavily armed Mandalorian in his kriffing living room. “You’ve met other Mandalorians?” Din asks curiously. "Oh, kriff, oh maker, he’s asking questions. What is he supposed to say? I accidentally killed one of your buddies by blindly pushing them into a Sarlacc pit? Do all Mandalorians know each other? Kriff."
“Boba Fett went after his bounty a couple of years ago.” Luke interrupts, snapping Han out of his nervous spiral.
“Oh?” Mando’s voice remains as calm as ever. “You guys know Boba?”
Deafening silence fills the room Han gawks at the Mando's question, and even Luke looks mildly surprised.
“Yeah, uh, sorry?” Han winced, stumbling over his words, “where you like friends or something? To be fair, he was trying to kill me. But uh, sorry for your loss?”
“...what do you mean?” Oh, kriff, oh kriff, did this guy not know about Fett? How can this dude not know about Fetts’s death? Literally, everyone knows about the damned Sarlacc pit incident.
“Like the whole,” Han waved his hands helplessly, “accidentally pushing him into a Sarlacc pit?” Han braced himself for his inevitable doom hoping Luke would step in with some Jedi bullshit to prevent Mando from ripping his head off.
“Oh, no wonder he’s so pissed at you.” What... WHAT??? Han’s brain feels his brain short circuit, and even Luke, with his serene Jedi facade, looks a little surprised at DIn's response.
“Din...” Luke asks frowning, “when did you last see Boba Fett?” The Mando shrugged (SHRUGGED???) casually oblivious tension in the room distracted by the small child in his lap.
“Haven’t seen him since he gave me a ride back to Coruscant from Mott’s ship, but he commed me last week about a new job.”
At this point, Han was seriously pondering faking his own death.
“So uh, on a scale of lightly stab to eject into the nearest sun, how mad do you think he is at me?” Han asks, resorting to humor to cope with the fact that the very deadly bounty hunter who he pushed into a Sarlacc pits somehow survived. Din pauses for a second as if he’s seriously contemplating an answer.
“Just don’t go to Tatooine any time soon, and you’ll be fine... probably,” Mando says after a moment before being distracted by the babbling child patting his armor insistently to get his attention. Han had no idea what that was supposed to mean but Din didn't elaborate on his answer to focused on the fussing child in his lap.
Han really needed a drink. Or five. Luke frowns, at least looking a little concerned about the news of Fett’s survival. “What about me? Should I be worried?” Luke asks (more jokingly than Han would have liked), leaning towards Mando, and shifting to face him on the couch apparently completely at ease being in the Mandalorian’s personal space. Luke leans over and hands the kid some sort of toy (a metal ball?), successfully calming the squirming child down.
“I wouldn’t let him hurt you. You're Grogu’s teacher.” Mando states completely serious in his answer pausing for a moment, “and you are...a friend... Fett won't bother you.” Luke, quite clearly thrilled at the idea of Mando thinking of him as a friend, gladly excepts the answer without a fuss leaving Han to his own internal freakout. Luke and Mando continue talking to each other, with the green kid babbling along, leaving Han to contemplate all his life decisions and how much he wanted to get blackout drunk. His musings were interrupted by the click of the front door opening. Leia, as poised as ever, is unfazed by the strange entourage in their living room.
“Luke! You didn’t say you would be visiting!” Ok, so this visit wasn’t just a surprise for him; good to know.
“Sorry about not telling you sooner. We were doing some research, and I wanted to see what I could find in the cities archives.” Luke explains before sheepishly adding, “also, I missed you guys.” Oof, kid right in the heart.
“And your friend?” Leia questions gesturing to the heavily armed bounty hunter. How Leia remained completely unfazed was a gift Han would forever envy.
“Din Djarin, it is an honor to meet you, senator.” The Mando dipped his head respectively in greeting and Leia returns the gesture.
“And this little guy,” Luke continues, “is the force-sensitive child I was telling you about! His name is Grogu.” Said kid coos at Leia curiously, and her passive, polite smile turns into something softer at the sight of the child.
“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Luke has told me a lot about you both.” Did he now? So Han really is the only one flying blind here.
“All good things,” Luke quickly interjects, and Han can’t help but notice the slight flush across his face at Leia’s seemingly innocent comment. Han suppresses a sigh resigning himself to the fact that ever since he met Luke, the kid could never do anything halfway. He should have expected his taste in partners would be just as insane as the rest of him.
“You know,” Leia continues, the small smile, her faux casual tone sending shivers up Han’s spine. “I just had the most interesting conversation with the new leader of Tatooine...”
“You mean Fett?” The Mando asks as if that question didn’t inflict severe psychic damage on Han’s brain.
“Fett took over Jabba’s palace?” Once again, Han is filled with the overwhelming desire to get blackout drunk. He was getting too old for this shit. Unaware of Han's internal panic the conversation continues
“Mhmm,” Leia confirms, sitting on a chair across from Din and Luke adjacent to Han. “Apparently, Mandalorians are working on taking back their home planet since a new king has come into leadership. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you Din?” It was moments like this when Han remembered that his wife one of the most intimidating people he had ever met. Mando shifted uncomfortably, and even with the helmet on, it was obvious he was avoiding making eye contact with Leia.
“Even with his entire face covered,” Han thinks incredulously, “this man has the worst poker face he had ever seen. And I can’t even see his kriffing face.”
“Good God, this man cannot lie for shit,” Han thinks, staring as Din continued to shift nervously under Leia’s gaze. Luke heaves an exasperated sigh and shoots Mando a look unimpressed but fond, calling out the man’s obvious lie. The combined pressure of the Skywalker twin's stare was unrelenting, and Han couldn’t help but feel a little bad for the guy. Even individually, the twins were very convincing, and with their combined expectant stare, no secret was safe. Finally, Mando gave a full-body sigh tilting his head back against the couch, looking at the ceiling as if he was asking why the gods had put him into this situation.
“Traditionally..” Din explains reluctantly, avoiding looking directly at anyone in the room, “whoever wields the dark saber or wins the dark saber via ritual combat is the rightful ruler of Mandalore.”
“Dark saber?” Han thinks to himself, “like a lightsaber?”
“And who has the dark saber now?” Luke asks despite the fact he obviously already knew the answer. Han could tell when the kid was purposely being a little shit.
“....Me,” the answer was so quiet that Han almost didn’t catch it, but he had no doubt that the bounty hunter sitting on his living room couch had just admitted to being the kriffing king of Mandalore.
“Ok, so my brother-in-law/best friend has the hots for the king of Mandalore, who is also sitting on my couch in my apartment, and Boba Fett is alive and is In contact with my wife as well as ruling over Tatooine,” Han lists in his mind, before shifting his eyes to the green child still in Mando’s lap, content snuggling up against his father. “And also Luke has a green baby who is apparently magic. Things just keep on happening, huh?”
“Well.” Leia claps her hands together, startling Han out of his stupor. “It’s wonderful to meet you, Mand'alor! Any assistance you or your people might need to reclaim your planet, the Republic will be happy to help!”
Mando practically shrunk into the couch at Leia's enthusiastic reply, and Han was sure that if he weren’t holding his child, the man would have been holding his head in his hands. At least Han wasn’t the only one suffering in what was essentially the weirdest sort of boyfriend meets the family situation ever. (because no matter what Chewie says, Han wasn’t that stupid. Luke isn’t the best at hiding his feelings despite his whole Jedi schtick, and he’s no better at hiding his planet-sized crush on Mando and judging on how close they are sitting together Han had a strong feeling that Luke’s crush wasn't entirely one-sided.)
“Wait....” Han thinks, abruptly cutting off his previous trail of thought. “Am I suppose to give Mando the shovel talk? Isn’t that a thing people do? Friends do that, right? And Lukes, my brother-in-law...” Han had no idea, having only ever been on the receiving end of said talks but the idea of vaguely threatening a Mandalorian on behalf of Luke’s... honor or whatever was giving him heart palpitations.
“Yeah, no, let’s not do that. Leia can totally handle that without my input”, Han decides in a rare moment of self-preservation. ‘Maybe I should just retire and be Leia’s trophy husband so I don't have to deal with this shit,’ he wonders, seriously considering the idea.
“Ah, Grogu! No, put that down!” Han startles at Lukes sudden outburst. Looking up Han notices the blaster he kept on the nearby bookshelf (it's not paranoia if there are people actually out to get you) was floating in the middle of the living room and was greeted with the sight of Luke and Din attempting to coax the cackling child into putting down the deadly weapon.
“Yeah,” Han decides, watching the chaos unfold for a moment before getting up to make himself a drink, “retirement sounds like a really good idea.”