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Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 5: Diagnosis

Summary:

Adolin goes to Kaladin for a diagnosis. No big CWs here.

Notes:

Note: “Throat's gemheart” = Adam’s apple

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

The smell of antiseptic wafted through the room as Kaladin worked. There was a certain calm that usually came from wiping down the examination table in between patients, but it didn't seem to be coming to him today. He was having trouble concentrating. Avoiding Adolin was getting more difficult - he had been actively trying to avoid everyone except Shallan, actually, since he had first been teased by Lopen and Skar - and Shallan was right that he couldn't avoid it forever. Still, he felt that he needed to make a decision before he saw him again. 

“You’re thinking about Adolin again, aren’t you?” Syl asked, sitting on a package of bandages, her blue skirt drifting in an imaginary breeze. 

“It’s just so difficult, Syl,” he moaned, splashing more antiseptic on a cloth and wiping down the counter. 

“It’s not difficult!” she exclaimed, standing up. “You like him, and he likes you. Even you can’t deny that anymore.” She smiled proudly, as though she had created Shallan’s storming drawing herself. 

There's no denying that Adolin likes me. But do I really like Adolin? And is it worth it to take such a huge risk?

“What's left to decide?" Syl asked. "Shallan, lovely Shallan, has given you her consent to figure out what kind of like you have. You deserve to spend time with someone who cares about you.”

Kaladin sat down, still holding the bottle of antiseptic, wishing he could crawl out of his own skin rather than think about this. He turned to her. “It's more complicated than that, Syl. It's about more than Shallan and Adolin's marriage. It's a huge risk. If I can’t give Adolin what he wants, not only do I lose two friendships, which is frightening enough, but I could be strung out in a highstorm. The clinic--my family--could be at risk. He’s the storming Kholin Highprince! Even if he doesn’t go after me, what about Dalinar? Or Renarin? Or Queen Jasnah? If I can't meet his expectations, my family could get thrown out of Urithiru! It would kill my father to be separated from Hearthstone’s people. And Oroden would have no place to grow up…” he sighed, turning the bottle in his hands. “My mother would be so excited if I had a relationship, it’s all she talks about these days. And if it broke up, I think it might even be worse than the eviction.” He stood and started pacing, leaving the bottle on the counter absentmindedly. "And besides that, Shallan gave consent to figure out what our relationship is, but what if she doesn't like what we decide on? She is married to him and I'm, I'm nothing." He gritted his teeth, wishing he could harden his heart. "No matter what I do, I'll always be on the outside looking in. He would never, could never, be mine. Not truly. Don't you see, Syl? I'm bargaining with clearmarks." 

“But Kal, Adolin and Shallan would never hurt you! I know it! Maybe the way isn't clear, but you'll figure it out. He likes you! Journey before destination, remember?” Syl responded enthusiastically, almost pleading.  

“Well, he might not like me anymore if he got to know me better…” Kaladin muttered hopelessly. “Being a Radiant isn't exactly rare anymore. I'm not a Highmarshal. I'm not even a soldier. I'm broken. What do either of them even see in me that they think there's a chance it could work?" What are they after? he thought. "Syl, I can’t talk about this right now. I need to get to my next patient.” He leaned out the door to signal to Hesina that he was ready for the next person in line. She was smiling and laughing at someone around the corner. Kaladin smiled, trying to relax. It was nice to see her settled in and helping the other residents feel more comfortable too. She waved the patient around the corner, revealing none other than Adolin Storming Kholin, Highprince of Kholinar, striding confidently towards him. 

He was wearing an immaculate uniform of Kholin blue. His boots had been polished bright and they clicked against the stone floor as he walked. His pants were neatly pressed, tucked into the boots with military precision. The jacket itself was simply ornamented, just outside the limits of the Codes, with silver stripes on the cuffs and along the bottom, silver buttons along the sides, and the Kholin glyph embroidered on the chest and sleeves, also in silver. The jacket was open, without a vest underneath, only a starched white shirt, which practically shone against the blue. The white shirt revealed the dark circles of his nipples underneath. And his friendly open face, his perfectly messy hair… I am not ready for this , Kaladin thought wildly. His brain froze as Adolin smiled and said hello. Automatically, he waved this new patient in. In his daze, he missed seeing his mother peeking back around the corner as they stepped into the examination room. 

Kaladin closed the door and faced him, realizing in a panic just how small the room was. He could smell a hint of Adolin’s cologne in the air and suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He turned away, fumbling with the antiseptic which he’d forgotten to put away, buying some time to retrieve his brain from wherever he’d left it. 

Adolin hopped on the table, pretending as though he were just another patient. “Surgeon Stormblessed,” he said formally, “I have a problem I need help with.” Kaladin heard the warmth and humour in his voice, and his breath hitched. So much for avoiding him. No, I can't do this right now! 

Kaladin’s surgeon brain finally emerged. If there’s a problem, I will fix it, even if the patient makes me feel…things. He turned towards Adolin, straightening his back and assuming his most professional demeanour. He met Adolin’s beautiful blue eyes, and his knees immediately threatened to collapse under him. He leaned against the far end of the table to muster his strength. “What can I do for you today?” he managed.

“Well,” Adolin smiled, his legs kicking idly off the edge of the examination table, “there seems to be something wrong with my heart.” He looked down, patting his chest, then glanced up at Kaladin through gorgeous blond-and-black lashes, a shy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Kaladin caught his breath. It felt like the world had gone still. Storms , I’m in real trouble. I have to get him out of here! Think!

“That sounds serious,” Kaladin said, frowning. “What are your symptoms?” 

Adolin took a long, slow intentional breath, his hand over his heart, making eye contact with Kaladin in an extremely personal and upsetting way. “Well, Surgeon Stormblessed, my heart is beating quite quickly. Sometimes I can feel it in my throat as though it’s trying to jump out. My stomach flips around like a skyeel, and I’ve lost my appetite. I’m very distracted. I almost forgot to put the protector on my Shardblade when I was sparring today.” He looked at Kaladin sheepishly.

As Adolin was speaking, Kaladin tried desperately to observe him like a surgeon. Hands fidgeting. Breathing shallow , he noted. 

Kaladin stepped forward, lifting Adolin‘s arm and feeling the pulse in his wrist. Hands cold and sweaty . “Do you feel any numbness or tingling in your left arm? Are you experiencing any chest pain?”

“Um, no,” Adolin replied. His body perceptibly leaned into Kaladin's touch. 

Pulse is a bit high for someone so athletic, but not anywhere near dangerous levels, he thought. I can rule out a heart attack . Face flushed. Is he feverish? Kaladin put his hand to Adolin’s forehead. Adolin's eyes closed and he pressed his face against Kaladin’s hand. Warm but not feverish, he concluded. He removed his hand and began to pace the room, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.  

“Are you overly thirsty? Is your urination more frequent than usual?”

Adolin smirked. “You could say I'm more thirsty than usual." He blinked. "…Urination? Um, normal I guess?”

“Are you fatigued?”

“No, if anything I have more energy than usual.” Adolin's smile wavered. 

Kaladin stepped right into Adolin’s personal space, noses almost touching. Kaladin pointedly looked away from his soft eyes and full lips. 

“Could you please exhale slowly?” he asked. Adolin complied, and Kaladin smelled his breath. It doesn’t smell fruity. I can rule out diabetic ketoacidosis , he thought, ignoring his own heart racing from being so close to the man. His breath smells good, everything about him is so good...Stop it! Stop it! Focus!

His face still inches away from Adolin's, Kaladin reached out with both hands and gently palpated Adolin’s lymph nodes. He placed his fingers at the back of Adolin's jaw, close to his ears, and slowly, pressing gently, traced symmetrical lines towards his chin and then down his neck, ending at the opposite sides of his throat's gemheart. Adolin swallowed. Kaladin’s fingers lingered briefly, tracing lightly one last time before removing them reluctanly. He realized his hands were shaking. Kaladin shook his head, angry at himself for slipping even slightly. This is a professional setting. I should have more control . He stepped away, standing stiffly with his traitorous, lingering hands clasped firmly behind his back.

“Well, the good news is that you don’t seem to have any major or urgent issues. However, I am concerned that you might be developing an infection. You have recently travelled to a foreign location and we don't know what kind of illnesses exist in Shadesmar. I'd like you to stay home and rest this afternoon, and I will come by after I'm done here to check in on you." 

Adolin's eyes widened and his mouth tightened. "Um, yes, of course Surgeon." He buttoned up his jacket, face flushing again, and stepped off the table. Kaladin turned away, searching his cupboards. Adolin opened the door to leave.

"Oh, Adolin, take this." Kaladin proffered a small pouch. "It's powdered knobweed root. Dissolve it in a glass of water, gargle, and swallow. It can help stave off infection." Adolin's hand brushed against Kaladin's as he took it, and Kaladin's fingers tingled at the touch. Adolin turned to leave again. 

"Adolin?" Kaladin suddenly asked, surprising himself.

"Yes Surgeon?" Adolin responded from the doorway, his face still turned away.

"I should thank you." Kaladin scrambled for a reason to have called him back. What are you doing, Kaladin? He was almost gone, he thought angrily, but he knew a part of him wanted Adolin to stay.

"For what?" Adolin turned back towards Kaladin, his face scrunched up, infuriatingly adorable. There's no way this can end well for you, Kaladin, he warned himself.

Kaladin cleared his throat. Can I say something light and funny, like Shallan? "Well, since those rumours started going around, the number of young women coming to my clinic with vague ailments has dropped to zero. Now I can focus on people who actually need my help." He tried to smile encouragingly, but it came out more like a grimace.

"Oh," Adolin said in a strangled voice. He ran his hand through his beautiful hair, leaving a clump standing up. It was everything Kaladin could do not to reach out and place it back. 

Adolin nearly ran from the clinic, clutching the pouch. 

Kaladin turned and ensconced himself in the examination room. " Stupid, stupid, stupid ," he said to himself. He grabbed the antiseptic and started scrubbing furiously. " Stupid joke. And unprofessional. You've wasted perfectly good knobweed root. You allowed yourself to touch a patient unnecessarily. You know his diagnosis and you didn't have the courage to say anything. And now you're going to meet him in his rooms tonight. What happened to buying some time to think?" He thought of how muscular Adolin's neck was, how gorgeous his hair, the look in his eyes when he said it was his heart. He melted at the thought. He thought about how his body reacted to touching Adolin's, his fingers trembling, his desire to not let him leave. He let out a noise somewhere between a groan and a squeak. The memory of his talk with Shallan lingered. Whatever it ends up being, I support it with all my heart , she had said. 

Syl appeared, quickly climbing her invisible steps and settling on her belly in midair, intently watching Kaladin. "You mean he doesn't have an infection? What's his real diagnosis?"

Kaladin gritted his teeth. "He doesn't just like me, Syl. He's in love. And...so am I."

Stormfather!

Notes:

This is one of the first ideas I had for this fic. I loved it SO MUCH when Adolin came by the surgery clinic in RoW before he left for Shadesmar and this is what I wanted to happen.

Lamaery made fanart for this chapter! Enjoy :)

A digital illustration of Adolin and Kaladin by Lamaery. Adolin sits on an examination table in the Hearthstone clinic. He is wearing a Kholin uniform with extra embellishments on the cuffs and boots. He is leaning forward, looking upwards with a longing expression. Kaladin stands in front of him. He is touching the sides of Adolin’s neck and leaning forward, looking intently at what he’s doing. Kaladin’s hair is pulled back in a tail, and he is wearing an apron over a white shirt, vest, and brown pants that end at the calves.