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Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Summary:

Set post-RoW

Shallan creates a drawing that reveals a powerful truth - Adolin and Kaladin are in love with each other. Kaladin finds comfort and healing in Adolin's embrace. Shallan discovers truths about herself and reveals them to Kaladin and Adolin. They fight to stay together. Oh, and Adolin designs a custom ensemble for Kaladin.

Updated 2 Aug 2022 to add fanart to chapters 5, 23, 28, and 45!

Notes:

Each chapter will have warnings at the beginning, if necessary, for common triggers such as mental illness symptoms and types of sex.

Maybe you saw a tag and you're only interested in that theme or character. I've put together a list to make it easy for you to find what you're looking for! Check out the last chapter - here's the link - https://archiveofourown.org/works/29727975/chapters/81446017

Credit to Sarah McLachlan and her wonderful song Fumbling Towards Ecstasy for the title of this fic.

Chapter 1: The Embrace

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

It was a sunny and chilly day, and Kaladin could feel his nose and cheeks burning with cold as he walked towards the Oathgate of Narak. A cool, stiff breeze blew through the banners of Urithiru’s platforms, and he rubbed his hands together, wishing he had grabbed some warmer clothes before leaving the clinic. Since Urithiru was retaken, the stream of people with injuries had dwindled, so Kaladin felt he could afford to take a few hours off to greet his friends. He skirted a cluster of important people - Dalinar, Navani, Renarin, some scattered brightlords of Urithiru, and of course the Kholins’ guards, choosing to put some distance as he was no longer Highmarshal. It felt strange to be so near the retinue but not to be part of it. Renarin turned, seeing him, and waved him up front to stand beside him. 

Renarin, who was standing in parade rest, leaned slightly towards Kaladin, speaking softly. “I'm glad you made it today, Kaladin. I’m sure Adolin and Shallan will be excited to see you,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

Kaladin grunted, crossing his arms against the chill, fingers tapping his elbows. “I didn’t miss anything, did I?” he asked. “They’re still ok? I heard the trip back from Lasting Integrity was uneventful.”

Renarin nodded, placidly watching the gate. Kaladin rocked back and forth on his feet, then let out a long sigh. Lirin practically kicked me out of the clinic for pacing, he thought. I can’t stay still today. Syl flew in as a ribbon of light, alighting on an invisible chair in front of Kaladin’s face. She was in her girlish skirt today, and it stubbornly ignored the wind. 

“What are we all looking at?” she asked curiously. 

“Get out of my view, you’re blocking me,“ Kal muttered as he attempted to brush her aside and out of his face. Storms, you really ARE nervous, he thought to himself. He felt like he was filled with the energy of Stormlight, but lacking the strength. With the crisis at Urithiru, he was still feeling tired. He had heard that the delegation to Shadesmar was successful, but he didn’t know what it may have cost Adolin and Shallan. His stomach clenched at the thought, and he frowned. He fumbled in his pocket for the coin that Adolin had given him. He found it comforting to keep it on him.

“Suits you if you want to look at nothing - OH!” Syl gasped as the Oathgate opened. She flew in to take a closer look, excited. 

Adolin emerged first, Gallant close behind, followed by the Radiants, and finally Shallan, who had worked the Oathgate from the Shattered Plains. Adolin walked proudly and seriously, his head held high and his posture stiff, as he took in the group welcoming them. Then his eyes met Kaladin’s, and suddenly he was running, dignity forgotten, grinning ear to ear, and Kaladin was surrounded - no, struck - by a huge hug that momentarily lifted him off the ground. Kaladin’s eyes popped open and he grunted as Adolin’s strong arms squeezed the air out of his lungs, and Adolin’s booming laugh assaulted his left ear. In that moment, Kaladin forgot he was in public - in front of Dalinar Kholin even - and he squeezed Adolin around the top of his broad shoulders, burying his head in the crook of his neck and laughing with joy that he was ok. Adolin was ok . Relief pouring through his body, Kaladin finally realized the full extent of his earlier anxiety. 

“Storms, Kal, what happened to your forehead?” Kaladin felt Adolin’s hand as he brushed the hair off his forehead, revealing smoothness instead of scarring. The trace left by his hand felt warm, and Kaladin felt dizzy all of a sudden, a warmth glowing in his diaphragm. He stepped back slightly, and his hands slid from Adolin’s shoulders down his arms, grasping his forearms and squeezing, steadying himself. Adolin held his forearms in return, squeezing back and smiling. For a brief moment they gazed at each other, each taking in the other’s smile. Kaladin forced himself to focus. 

“I’ll tell you later. You're ok?" Kaladin asked. Adolin nodded mutely, still smiling. There were tears shining in his blue eyes. Kaladin realized he had his own tears of relief, and wiped his face on his shirt cuff. He heard the shuffle of feet nearby and stiffened, remembering there were others present. 

Adolin appeared to sense his embarrassment and he disengaged, grasping Kaladin’s cold right hand between his two warm hands, turning the embrace into a handshake. Kaladin could feel the warmth spread to his face and chest. 

“Yeah I'm ok. Are you?” Adolin’s face fell, his eyebrows knitting with the question. He let go of Kaladin's hand and wiped the back of his arm across his eyes. “Storms, I was worried. I’m sorry I wasn’t there...” he murmured.

By that time, the others had caught up, and congratulations were being given. Kaladin looked around and muttered, “Maybe now isn’t the best time…” He looked back at Adolin, who seemed to entreat Kaladin with his eyes, and Kaladin felt like he wanted to say more. 

“Let’s talk later. I want to catch up with you,” Adolin said instead, loudly, slapping Kaladin’s back. He turned to Renarin, pulling him into a big, brotherly hug. 

“Come on,” Renarin said, rolling his eyes, and Adolin laughed, responding, “It’s either big hugs or no hugs, and no hugs isn’t an option after a death-defying mission!” Kaladin smiled wanly and turned away, shivering from the loss of Adolin's warm body against his. He spotted Shallan, her red hair already tossed hopelessly out of place by the wind, her cheeks rosy. She made a straight line towards Kaladin, pulled him by the arm, and started walking directly to the doors of Urithiru. Her arm and side felt warm against him, and he leaned into her gratefully.

"Thanks," he grunted.

“It’s wonderful to see you again Kaladin, but clearly you’re not holding enough Stormlight to keep you warm. No one has any sense around here." She leaned in, whispering conspiratorially. "We must get you inside, and then you have to tell me everything .” Kaladin nodded vaguely, briefly looking back to see Adolin at the centre of a circle of well wishers, shaking hands, looking as though his smile alone were a heating fabrial capable of keeping everyone warm. 

 

 

Notes:

Chapter one! We're just getting started with these lovelies. Thank you for reading! This is my first fanfic and I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 2: The Hug Talk

Summary:

Adolin is confronted by his father about his PDA. Renarin helps him understand.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

A couple days later, Adolin stood up and stretched after a long and boring planning meeting to reorganize the management of Urithiru. With the help of the Sibling, Navani had been able to get the water running and the heat blowing through the air vents, but storms, the mechanics of heating vents were not as interesting as she thought it was. Renarin was lingering at the table, fidgeting with his cube, waiting for others to leave first as usual. As scribes shuffled out the door, Adolin paused, noting Kaladin’s absence. He missed seeing Kaladin’s gloomy face as he leaned against the wall, taking everything in, and butting in with new perspectives. What did we miss today because Kaladin wasn’t here? he wondered. He didn’t notice his father weaving around the chairs towards him. Only Adolin, Renarin, and Dalinar were left in the room. Dalinar coughed, standing stiffly, not quite making eye contact with Adolin. Adolin shook himself out of his reverie and turned to his father, an eyebrow raised.

“It’s not my place to question your love life, Adolin,” Dalinar finally said, “But you just got married not too long ago. I know that your mother didn’t raise you very...Alethi…with her displays of public affection, but at least try to be more…discreet in your, ah...interactions. You're a Highprince now, and your behaviour will have an impact on the people who serve you.” 

Adolin’s mouth hung open. He and Shallan were publicly demonstrative sometimes, but they had gotten better at maintaining decorum. “What on Roshar are you talking about?” he demanded. 

Dalinar coughed, then fixed Adolin in a steely glare. “Adolin, just be careful with the former Highmarshal. He’s been through enough ,” anger slipped out through gritted teeth, “and he doesn’t need a broken heart too.” Dalinar squinted at him, jaw set, then stalked out of the room.

Heart racing, Adolin couldn’t decide if he was more enraged or confused. His stomach twisted. He started to summon Maya reflexively, then shook his head and clenched his hands into fists instead. “Unbelievable!” he said hotly, a blade of shame slicing through him. He turned to Renarin and waved his arm in the general direction of the doorway. “Did you hear that?” 

Renarin nodded sadly. “I would go to the Nightwatcher myself if she could make him that considerate of me.” He sighed.

Adolin sat down beside Renarin. He forced his hands to relax, placing them on the table, palms down. “No, besides him being a cremling ,” he said, gritting his teeth, “I mean, why does he think that I’m romantically involved with Kaladin?”

Renarin looked up, surprised. “You’re not?” Adolin blushed and shook his head. Renarin furrowed his brow. “Well, everyone else seems to think so.”

Adolin’s mouth went dry. “Everyone?” he croaked. Kaladin’s not going to like that, he thought, and then shook his head. “No. Why? Why do they think that?”

“Easy,” Renarin smiled. “Hug placement. You taught me this, I can’t believe you don’t remember. Here, stand up.”

They both stood up and Renarin put his arms out. “Ok, hug me.” Adolin obliged. “Now take a look, each of us has one arm on top and around one shoulder, and the other arm behind the midback, on or near the shoulder blade. That’s a hug that one would use with good friends and family.” Adolin could feel his brother’s chest against his, Renarin’s hands putting a friendly pressure against his back. It felt comfortable. He hugged back, cherishing the fact he got two hugs from Renarin in a week. Renarin patted him and ended the hug, stepping back. 

Adolin gestured, shrugging. “Ok, so what? That’s a hug.”

“Well, here’s how you hugged Kaladin.” Renarin bumped into Adolin, belly to belly. “Your arms were much lower, they were around his waist, like this.” Renarin leaned his upper body back, and wrapped his arms tight around Adolin’s waist, lifting him slightly. Adolin could feel the difference in the quality of the closeness, and it felt very awkward. Renarin hoisted him and said, “And, you know, he was kind of hugging you around the neck, but let’s not do that.” He stepped back and sat down. “That was uncomfortable.”

Adolin sat down hard in his chair, wiping his belly as if to get the sensation off him. “Yeah, let’s never do that again,” he agreed enthusiastically. “Stormfather, I did that to Kaladin?” What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem. 

“Plus, you ran straight to him as though he was the most important person on the platform.”

Adolin winced. “I missed him. I needed to know he was okay.”

“Plus, you were crying.”

Adolin reeled. “You saw?

“Yeah, everyone did. Plus…”

PLUS? ” Adolin’s stomach twisted even further and he felt nauseous. Red and white petals floated around him. Was it possible to feel more embarrassed? 

“Plus,” Renarin patted his back reassuringly, “Kaladin hugged you back. He smiled. He laughed . His eyes were teary too. I could see it, I was standing right beside him...you...two. And he was nervous, before he saw you. He took time off work just to see you arrive. He never takes time off work. What I’m trying to say is, it wasn’t just you.”

The knot in Adolin’s stomach twisted in a new way. “So if he doesn’t murder me for ruining his reputation, mine, and Shallan’s, then he might actually… like me?”

“No, it’s more than that,” Renarin said earnestly. “He trusts you. You’re very important to him. Maybe he loves you. I think you should talk to him about it.” 

“Thank you Renarin,” Adolin said, half to himself, as he stood. “I will.”

Notes:

I always read Dalinar as being tough with Adolin, forgetting about Renarin, and then thinking of Kaladin as the dear dear son he never had.

Chapter 3: A Truth

Summary:

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ROW AHEAD - turn back all ye who wish to remain unspoiled!

Shallan confronts her boys with a truth they can't ignore.

Notes:

CWs - We're starting to get into polyamory negotiation and a touch of NSFW.

***Did I mention major spoilers for RoW?***

Many thanks to the amazing @rspixart on Tumblr for making the beautiful art. Check out her other Cosmere art!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

The sitting room was quiet this afternoon. The sunshine streaming in, combined with the warmth of Urithiru's renewed ventilation system, created the perfect atmosphere for a nap. She sighed wistfully and looked over to see her brother Jushu napping heavily on the other couch, snoring softly into a sunbeam. She smiled. 

She felt glad that someone else could take advantage of it - she still had important decisions to make and drawing to do, and then she needed to make a copy. The act of drawing was calming, helping her to think more clearly, and the light was perfect. Creationspren popped up around the page, crowding it. She shooed them away. This sketch was going to be particularly good.

A few hours later, decisions made, copies tucked away safely, Shallan lounged, sketching idly. Adolin strode forcefully into the sitting room, trailing anxietyspren like so many tiny black twisty side swords. Ah, so he’s heard, she thought. Pattern buzzed with excitement and slid across her skirt to the back of the couch. 

Will there be mating?, he asked excitedly in her mind. 

“No, Pattern, just talking,” she mumbled in response. She realized she was attracting a couple anticipationspren of her own. Adolin took off his coat, hanging it carefully. He paced the room once, grabbed a bite of Shallan’s leftover lunch, and then sat down heavily on the couch beside her. He glanced down at her sketchbook, then over to the other couch, and startled. 

“I didn’t realize Jushu was here!” he whispered, a little loudly.

“Yes, he was supposed to keep me company during what little time off I have, but he rudely fell asleep on me,” she whispered back. “He will make a good addition to my sketchbook,” she smiled, tapping the page. “Other than being an accidental model, he’s been an absolute bore. There’s no replacement for you,” she purred, putting her sketchbook down, turning to Adolin and patting him on the nose with her finger. 

Adolin looked visibly pained as he wiped the charcoal off his nose. Shallan made a pouty face. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty for going to a mandatory meeting.” She paused. “So, what’s got you dragging around anxietyspren? Did something happen at the meeting?” Adolin’s face reddened and his mouth turned down. Pattern softly buzzed, expectantly.

“It was more like what happened after the meeting.” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, finally settling on sitting with one leg crossed under him, leaning against the back of the couch, facing Shallan. His head was right beside Pattern. His blush hadn’t receded; in fact, it may have spread to his neck. “Shallan,” Adolin started, “I’m so, so, sorry.” 

Her stomach dropped, but she looked at him innocently. She turned and draped a leg over his. “For what, love?” she smiled. I'm going to have some fun with this. Pattern hummed at her. But not at his expense, of course Pattern!

Adolin grimaced. He glanced at Jushu’s sleeping form and then back at Shallan, leaning in. “Ok, so you remember a couple of days ago, when we returned through the Oathgate. I hugged Kaladin,” he whispered.

Shallan continued looking extremely innocent. She tapped her charcoal to the page. “Hm, I don’t seem to remember that. Could you describe it to me?” 

Adolin cocked his head at her. Storms, she was teasing him too hard. Veil would've been better at this. Be honest, but also keep it light . She put her freehand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “I mean, Adolin, you ran into him like a stormwall. No one could have missed it. The way people were reacting to that embrace, it was like someone had shown her safehand.” She smiled expectantly, hoping for one of Adolin’s easy laughs. 

He turned away instead. He must be really feeling bad about this. Better change tactics entirely. Drop the comedy. Pattern undulated with excitement. 

Shallan brushed Adolin's face with her safehand. “It was a beautiful moment, Adolin. I didn’t realize how much you cared for him until I saw it. Then everything kind of snapped together in my mind. No wonder you were so understanding of my crush on him way back when.” She chuckled, reaching for her satchel. She pulled out the drawing she had been working on that afternoon and showed it to Adolin. “Here, I made this for you, so you can remember it.”

In the drawing, Adolin was holding Kaladin tightly by the waist, hoisting the taller man up and almost over his shoulder, spinning, laughing with relief. Kaladin was grabbing Adolin around the shoulders, nuzzling his face into Adolin’s neck. Shallan thought she had done an excellent job capturing their pure delight at seeing each other again. It was, of course, a Memory from the day they had returned from Shadesmar.

A charcoal style digital illustration by rspixart that depicts Kaladin jumping into Adolin's arms. Adolin has light skin and blond hair and wears Shardplate. Kaladin has light tan skin and medium length brown hair pulled back in a tail, most of which has fallen out and covers his face. Kaladin wears a white shirt, grey pants and black boots. Kaladin wraps his arms around Adolin's shoulders, his jump shoving Adolin backwards. Adolin throws his head back and laughs.

“I…” Adolin stammered. "Storms, that's a good drawing. We have to get this framed." He held it out in front of him, examining different angles. He smiled fondly. “WIth everything happening, I think I didn’t realize until today how I really feel about him.” 

“And how is that?” Shallan asked. She felt a fluttering sensation in her stomach, sensing the coming change. Another anticipationspren wafted up. Pattern positively buzzed with excitement.

“I...I love him,” Adolin murmured, catching her gaze and regarding her with a pained expression. “But I love you . How can I love two people? It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair to you.” He frowned. “I must be a terrible person. There must be something wrong with me. You should be enough.”

Shallan sighed. She had already been through something like this. With the help of Pattern and her personas, she was learning to understand how they all related to each other and the world. Not to mention the confusion of realizing she had bonded with two spren, and still felt responsible for Testament. “There is nothing wrong with you, Adolin. You already love more than one person. Everyone does. Let me see if I can explain. Adolin, dear, I love you.”

“Thank Honor for that, after what I just told you.”

Shallan gestured towards the couch. “I also love Jushu.”

“You...what?”

“Hush. I also love my other brothers.”

“Well, yes…”

“The way I love each of them is different. Obviously Jushu, Balat, and Wikim are different people, with different ways of accepting love and giving love, and they help me in different ways. And Helaran has passed on, but I still love him, and that love is also unique.” She shifted fully into Adolin's lap and enveloped his warm hand with both of hers, holding it to her breast. “I don’t think two people are meant to fit together exactly, with all of our needs being perfectly met by each other. That’s why we need friends, and family, and taverns.” She smiled. “You can’t help me learn how to do Lightweaving. That’s why I have my team of Radiants. You can’t help me figure out fabrials or discover new forms of life. I have Jasnah, and other scholars, for that.” She examined Adolin’s face, which appeared thoughtful. 

“Wow, point out all the things I can’t do, why don’t you,” Adolin said under his breath, half joking. 

“Well how about I point out the things I can’t do, if that makes you feel better,” Shallan said. She took a deep breath, exhaling a bit more raggedly than she was hoping. She was planning on being more calm, more collected, to really be there for Adolin the way he’d been there for her. She considered Radiant. Don’t you dare make me say dirty words. I’m staying out of this, she stated matter-of-factly before retreating. Pattern buzzed encouragingly. Say your truth, Shallan!

Shallan squeezed Adolin’s hand. “As much as Radiant might wish she could, she can’t help you improve your skill in combat.” She met his soft, earnest eyes. “That’s what Zahel is for. And pretty much only Zahel at this point, you’re so storming good at it.”

Adolin blushed, and nodded. “I wouldn’t expect her to.”

Shallan continued, “I can’t understand what it’s like to have Dalinar as a father like Renarin does. Renarin has a special role in your life that no one could replace.”

Adolin rolled his eyes dramatically and nodded. She’d have to ask about that reaction later. 

“And Adolin, as much as I am broken and need help sometimes, I’m getting better mentally and maybe don't need as much of your attention anymore." Pattern hummed but didn't say anything. "You lost a lot of friends and allies during the duels and battles. You need to be around others. And you need to help others. I think you see an opportunity to give love to someone who really needs it.” 

Adolin looked away, considering. His mouth twisted in a half-smile, half-frown. “I really want him to be happy. I just want to hug him forever,” he murmured. Don’t we all, she thought, amused.

Pattern buzzed. 

Shallan tickled Adolin’s neck. “And if he happens to be tall, and handsome, and strong, and broody, well, that doesn’t hurt either,” she said in a sing-song voice. 

Adolin giggled and hugged her. He smiled apologetically. “He is my only bridgeboy. Surgeonboy?” he laughed, then shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, but I really want to know what’s under that surgeon’s uniform. I...I want to try...with him. But I don’t want to hurt you. It seems I’ve already ruined my reputation, and by extension yours, with that storming hug. I’m mortified at what Kaladin must think of me. Apparently the rumours have already spread around the tower that he and I are courting outside my marriage. I’ve already hurt you. I’m so sorry for that,” he said, searching deep in her eyes.

She had already heard the rumours through her spy network, so that wasn’t a surprise, but hearing the confirmation of his desire felt like someone had pulled a rug from under her at the same time that she’d jumped. So different, and yet still the same. She stifled her emotions.

“I could not have predicted that my reputation would get ruined in this particular way,” she began, “although it’s not for lack of reputation-ruining acts I’ve committed.” She winked. “It’s ok. I don’t feel bad about it. Maybe this will allow me new opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I were a squeaky-clean lighteyes.” 

The thought of her reputation didn't matter so much now that she was married to a Kholin. Kholins didn't seem to be affected by heresy, or even murder. A scandal like this hardly tipped the scale. Nevertheless, Adolin winced. She added, “Adolin, I want to show you trust like you’ve shown me. You have been so good to me. I think you need this, and I want to support you. I love you.”

Adolin’s eyes sparkled with tears. “I love you too,” he whispered. “I really didn’t expect this conversation to turn out this way.” He chuckled gently, wiping an eye with his finger. “I thought you were going to leave me like everyone else has.” He took a deep breath, running his hands through his black-and-blond hair and then said softly, “Shallan, even if you don’t need me so much anymore, I storming need you . I don’t want to lose you. How do we do this so I don’t hurt you again?” 

Shallan sat up straight, embodying a more serious attitude, but maintaining her Shallan-ness. “I would feel the best if you stayed with me on nights that I’m not out doing work,” she said, trying to remember her thoughts when she was drawing earlier today. “I will let you know ahead of time so you can plan with Kaladin.” She frowned. “There are a lot of Kholin financial statements that need approving, and that will take a bunch of my evenings in the next few weeks. I think it would be best if you and Kaladin stayed here to court. He has half a closet for a room and no privacy, and there's nowhere else you two can go without prying eyes.” She grabbed his hand again. “I want to respect your privacy, and I know you're a gentleman, so I'm not expecting details of your meetings with him. But if you’re struggling with something, I want to be able to help you through it. I’m not sure how to do that though.” 

Adolin leaned back, considering. “I could just tell you what I’m feeling, and what I need from you, and try to avoid the details,” he said.

Shallan nodded. Then she leaned towards him, pointing her finger into his chest. “And let’s face it, Kaladin hasn’t been with anyone else in...ever, maybe? But if you get a rash on your cock you tell me right away, and -” she looked back at Jushu’s sleeping form and then back at Adolin, “- we cannot see Lirin to get treated.” Adolin’s mouth fell open.

“See?” Shallan said. “Just say the word ‘cock’ and your mouth opens up. That’s something I can’t offer you!” 

“Shallan!” Adolin exclaimed. He looked down comically at his own mouth, and closed it with an exaggerated motion of his hand. They giggled together, releasing their tension, swatting at each other. 

Jushu rolled over. “What are you laughing about? Stop it,” he groaned, his voice slurred by sleep.

They ignored him, giggling. 

********

The next day, Shallan went to a certain surgeon’s clinic, looking for Kaladin. He was with a patient, so she asked Hesina to pass along a message to him to meet her for lunch at one of the restaurants in the marketplace. Walking away, she felt cremlings crawling in her stomach. Adolin and Kaladin were the two men she trusted the most in the world, even including her brothers. And she cared about both of them. The fact that they had fallen in love with each other was an incredible, beautiful thing. Yet, the cremlings were forcing her to admit that she was worried. This arrangement had seemed like a perfect idea when she was lounging in her private sitting room, or whispering with Adolin in the dark. 

That was fun. She smiled, remembering how hard he got, how intense his eyes were. Their kisses had gotten deeper, and she had felt like she was touching him for the first time, appreciating and noticing his scarred skin, his strong thighs, his gorgeous ass. 

But out here in the bright light of day, with the press of people around her, it was another matter entirely. She felt her resolve shriveling up like a rockbud in the wind. Pattern, undulating on the hem of her skirt, buzzed softly. 

Are you thinking that you're making a mistake? He asked softly, in her mind. The proper rituals have not been performed. That's supposed to be important.

Somehow it didn't feel as important as it used to. “I'm just becoming extremely aware that I'm probably missing an important piece of this,” she muttered under her breath. “I miss Veil. She would know what to do.” Her integration with Veil had been really good for her, but Shallan missed how easy it was to ignore her emotions by handing them over to Veil. Radiant took it in stride. I miss her too , she said. I don't know anything about matters of the heart. I only know honour and valour.

I guess that means you don't really approve of this idea , Shallan thought to Radiant.

I...I don't know. Generally when people break marriage vows, they try to keep it a secret from their spouse. The vow was to be true to each other. It didn't specify what ‘true’ means. 

Spoken like an Honorspren , Shallan thought. What does ‘true’ mean? 

Her instincts told her that as a wife, she wanted what was best for her husband and would actively pursue it. She'd already thrown some pretty unconventional and difficult things at Adolin, and he hadn’t even blinked. He just accepted her as she was. Damnation take her if she wouldn't do the same for him. 

She remembered how she had essentially declared war on the Ghostbloods while Adolin watched. He worried about her, but if she gave that up, she might as well give up Lightweaving. Searching for those secrets was a part of her, her family history, not to mention important for Roshar’s safety. 

Adolin supported me in that. He doesn't want me to give up a part of myself, even if he doesn't fully understand it or know what's happening, and even if it's difficult for him , she thought, remembering their conversations in Shadesmar. Being true to him means being willing to do the same for him. 

Pattern hummed. And yet you’re still holding onto something you won’t admit to yourself.

Shallan bristled. “No I‘m not.”

“If you want to be true to him, don’t you have to be true to yourself too?”

Shallan ignored him.

Pattern hummed.

A while later, Shallan waited for Kaladin at the restaurant she had chosen. She sat by a window overlooking the promenade on the first level of Urithiru, sipping a glass of sapphire to calm her nerves. She looked around furtively. She had purposefully chosen a place that was frequented by darkeyes to help Kaladin feel more comfortable, but now she realized just how much she stood out. She gazed down, hoping not to be noticed. She didn't want gawkers on top of everything else today. Shallan felt a stab of loss at not being able to turn into Veil - not being able to disappear in a darkeyes establishment, not being able to relax enough to have this conversation casually, the way she wished she could. She considered Lightweaving her eyes and hair, but decided against it. 

Glancing outside the restaurant, she could see a head of wavy, dark hair popping up above the crowd, and the cremlings crawled right back into her stomach, writhing around. A few red anticipationspren streamed up from the ground, whipping in the air. Kaladin entered, and Shallan waved him over, hoping he didn't see them. As he leaned forward to sit down, she was struck again by the lack of scars on his forehead. His hair was pulled back for his work as a surgeon, and a few strands had broken free of their tie to cascade across his face, which served to highlight his long eyelashes and frame his cheekbones. 

She felt her heart skip a beat. No, that is definitely not what I need right now. This is not about me. 

Pattern hummed.

They chatted for a while, catching up on the things they had missed while Shallan and Adolin were in Shadesmar. Shallan noticed that although Kaladin seemed to smile more easily, it still didn't stay long – his lips quickly pulled into a tight line, eyebrows drawing together in his usual frown.

“I still can't believe Adolin sacrificed himself like that... actually, no, I can believe it,” he mused, taking a sip of orange.

Shallan smiled. “I felt mad about it for a while.” She draped her freehand over her head dramatically. “Sure, just throw me to the side, just because the fate of Roshar is at stake,” she whinged.

Kaladin leaned in. “Shallan, he would never leave you, unless the stakes were that high. You're part of Roshar too,” he said seriously. Shallan bit her lip and looked down. His intensity cut to her heart.

“I know that now... I never thought I would believe it but now I do,” she said into her food. Just say it! She thought to herself. Pattern buzzed and reminded her, You are strong. You can do this.

Shallan cleared her throat and tried to lean back casually like Veil would, but she couldn’t find a comfortable position, and her voice came out softer than she'd intended. “Actually, that's something I wanted to talk to you about,” she said, giving up on appearing casual and simply placing her hands in her lap. Kaladin scanned her movements closely, worry on his face. Heralds, I'm already scaring him, she thought. She instinctively reached out for Veil, and a stab of sadness hit her instead. She would have to do this on her own. 

Well, earnestness went a long way with Adolin, Shallan thought, even if it's way outside my comfort zone. Pattern hummed comfortingly. 

Kaladin had put down his food. He tensed and stared at her, shoulders tight, arms locked into his body, as if preparing to be hit. Shallan knew that feeling. She put out her freehand to comfort him, then withdrew, sensing the busy restaurant around her. Kaladin probably wouldn't want to be touched by a married woman in public, especially with the added risk of idle gossips about.

Instead, she turned and reached in her bag, pulling out a neatly folded page. She placed it on the table, carefully ensuring there wasn't any food there, and slid it towards Kaladin. She leaned on her elbow, trying to stay calm. She looked at him. His eyes were curious, his mouth expressionless.

“I want you to know that I know that Adolin loves me deeply and wouldn't leave me unless the fate of Roshar was at stake,” she started. “And at the same time I can't deny what I saw the other day.” Kaladin froze, staring at the folded paper. She continued, “I want you to know that you are a dear friend to me, and I support you...” she looked around furtively, checking to see whether anyone was listening. Everyone seemed to be paying attention to their own conversations. She leaned in and lowered her voice, “...and him.”

Kaladin ducked his head, running his hands through his hair, accidentally yanking out the hair tie. He looked to the side, murmured something inaudible, then looked back at her, confusion and anxiety in his eyes. He sat for a moment longer, staring at the folded page on the table. Shallan felt a fluttering inside, knowing that once he opened it, the truth would be out, and there would be no going back. Anticipationspren whipped around the page. She took a bite of food to quell her uneasiness but regretted it immediately.

Kaladin finally looked up. “I'm not going to like what I see here, will I?” His voice sounded hollow. Shallan returned his haunted gaze with an encouraging smile. He let out a long breath and picked up the page. 

He opened it. 

Of course, it was a drawing - an exact copy of the Memory she had taken the day they returned from Shadesmar.

The same image again. A charcoal style digital illustration by rspixart that depicts Kaladin jumping into Adolin's arms. Adolin has light skin and blond hair and wears Shardplate. Kaladin has light tan skin and medium length brown hair pulled back in a tail, most of which has fallen out and covers his face. Kaladin wears a white shirt, grey pants and black boots. Kaladin wraps his arms around Adolin's shoulders, his jump shoving Adolin backwards. Adolin throws his head back and laughs.

Kaladin's face twisted as his eyes roved over the page. 

Pattern hummed. I think he likes it, but he doesn't like that he likes it. Hmmmmmm...

Kaladin met Shallan’s eyes. “Shallan, you know I would never want to hurt you.” His hands fidgeted with the page, closing it and opening it again. “I...I haven't even seen Adolin since then. I wouldn't want to dishonour you or him. I respect your marriage...” he trailed off, looking guilty. He closed the page and slid it back to her.

Shallan sighed, smiling. That might as well have been a confession of his love. Both these men were so honourable , it made her laugh a little inside. Why should honour come before love? “No, this is your copy, Kaladin,” she said. “I made another one for Adolin.”

Kaladin's eyes widened. “Adolin saw this?” he asked softly. 

Shallan grinned. "He's seen it, and he liked it. "

Stormfather .” He opened the page and looked at it again, his mouth turning to a frown. “Oh hush,” he said to the side, likely to his spren Syl. He looked at the image more closely, eyes searching the page.

Pattern buzzed excitedly. This truth is tastier than lies, it tastes like violet wine! Can I follow him? Can I see them mate? 

“No Pattern,” she muttered under her breath. “They need privacy.” Although she missed Veil, she felt grateful she didn't have to fight against her trying to sneak peeks. Although it would be easy to send Pattern to - NO.

She finished her wine in one gulp, gathering her courage and her words as Kaladin pulled his attention from the image. He folded it again neatly, placing it back where Shallan had put it on the table. His face was inscrutable.

“You can't avoid Adolin forever, Kaladin,” Shallan finally said. She smiled at him in a way that she hoped was reassuring. “And for what it's worth, whatever your relationship ends up being, I support it with all my heart.” She swallowed.

Kaladin's dark brown eyes searched hers from behind his tousled hair. “Shallan, you can't possibly mean -”

“You both mean a great deal to me,” she interrupted, waving away his denial. “I want you and Adolin to be happy, and if you're happy together , I want to help you do that. I'm a big part of Adolin's life, but you are too. So please Kaladin, follow your heart.” She heard a tiny whoop from somewhere. That was probably also Syl. Shallan grinned, and Kaladin softened into a weak smile and rubbed his face with one hand.

“Look, Kaladin, I want us to have a good relationship too, so let's make this lunch a regular thing. Hesina said you don't usually have lunch otherwise, so it'll be good for you to get out of the clinic sometimes. And I don't want to lose any of my precious Kaladin time.” Shallan winked. Inside, she was shaking. I definitely don't want to lose out on Kaladin time. I hope I'm not pressuring him.

Kaladin stared out the window into the street, letting out a long sigh. He tapped his fingers on the folded paper. “I can't believe I'm saying this, but if everyone in Urithiru thinks this is happening anyway, we can't lose more of our reputations, and if you are supportive… You're really ok with this?” He shifted in his seat, pulling in closer, and assessed her face with the intensity of an interrogation. Shallan felt heat rise inside as he took in every subtlety of her facial expression. She maintained her smile, embodying the hope she had for him and Adolin. Finally, Kaladin appeared satisfied as he leaned back again, nodding. “Syl will kill me if I don't at least try, but I still don't know if I can do this. I'll have to think about it more. Are you sure ?”

“Of course Kaladin,” Shallan admonished. “If I wasn't, I wouldn't have made this drawing, and I wouldn't be encouraging you. And there's no pressure that it needs to be anything in particular. Like I said, whatever your relationship with Adolin is, I'm supportive. It can be whatever you want.” She laughed encouragingly, again reaching for his hand and withdrawing, placing her hand back in her lap instead. “Let's talk again sometime soon. I don't want to keep you from the clinic too long. Remember, this is for you. It’s a gift.” She gestured towards the paper.

Kaladin grunted, touching a corner of the drawing and pulling it towards him absently, staring outside again, his face tight. With a nod, Shallan got up and left, showing no trace of how much she was shaking inside. 

"I can't believe how well that went!" She whispered to Pattern as she made her way through the market. "Adolin will be so happy!"

"You were very sincere," Pattern said. "Very encouraging when he was doubtful. You can do that for yourself too!" He buzzed, his symmetry shifting quickly. 

"One thing at a time," Shallan said dismissively. "Let's take care of Adolin and Kaladin. They need all the help they can get."

Notes:

This was a long one! Poly negotiation is tough and I don't think they even got to everything they should have talked about... Props to Shallan being a boss at making other people confront their own truths!

Chapter 4: Marriage Bed

Summary:

Adolin and Shallan have sex. They start to think more about Adolin's sexual interests.

Notes:

Shadolin married sex!

CWs: We are going right into the smut now. So consider yourself warned - this chapter is smut.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

Adolin had undressed for the night and was laying naked, sprawled out on top of the bed, his mind already drifting to what it might feel like to kiss Kaladin, to hold him. Shallan entered the room and smiled when she saw him. 

Adolin was awestruck. The dim blue light of their sphere lamps cast her red hair and deep green robe in a supernatural glow. She twirled in her robe, the thin fabric reflecting the light but also allowing glimpses into what was underneath. Adolin put his arms behind his head, leaning back in an exaggerated fashion, and wiggled his eyebrows. She grinned and saucily removed a shoulder of her robe, then slowly drew her safehand out, dropping the sleeve and revealing a breast in the process. He grinned as he took in the show and shifted his hips in bed, his hand supporting his hardening member to show his appreciation of this vision of a woman in front of him. 

Since they had gotten married, Adolin had been so grateful to just *be* there, to be with her, that he had focused almost entirely on her needs. They had learned a lot, and he was proud of his improvement in skill, but both of them had neglected to investigate his interests until recently. He wondered if perhaps he had put some of his interests to the side because he was afraid of what she might think of him. Women had left him for lesser reasons, after all. But this was Shallan, his wife - she was very open minded, and she had committed to him. So when she brought it up, he was honest with her about his feelings. He had worried that his disclosure about Kaladin might make Shallan disgusted with him, or that she might distance herself from him. To his great surprise, not only had she been understanding, but she seemed even more enthusiastic and attentive, and he was enjoying her attention very much.

She walked over to his side of the bed and leaned over him, her breasts dangerously close to his face. “I can’t seem to figure out how to remove this robe. Can you help me?”

Adolin laughed and got up onto his knees. He pulled the tie loose, then touched her bare shoulder and spun her slowly, pulling the robe off her as she turned, revealing her naked body. She is more beautiful every day, he thought, his heart swelling along with his cock. He dropped the robe on the floor and picked her up, throwing her onto the bed as she giggled. He loved that sound. 

He ran a hand across her body, from her calf, up her thigh, around her hip, over her soft belly, slowing to linger on her breasts, before enthusiastically jumping on her, straddling her and beating her down with kisses on her neck and breasts. A kiss for every freckle

“I yield, I yield!” she yelled. “That tickles!” 

She pushed him, and he pretended to take a hit, falling back onto the bed. She glanced at his cock as though she was just seeing it for the first time, and mocked surprise. 

“Is that what I think it is?” Shallan asked with a playful tone.

“You should taste it to know for sure,” Adolin drawled, propping himself up on his side. He wiggled himself for her amusement.

Shallan laughed, and bent down to taste it. The sensation was pure silky pleasure. Adolin groaned involuntarily, his head falling back to the bed. Inwardly he imagined what it might be like for Kaladin to do that, and he swelled harder. Is it wrong to think of that?

At least it seemed he wasn’t the only one thinking about Kaladin. Shallan released his cock from her mouth and glided her hand around it, holding it securely, then slowly stroked it. “How long do you think until you can get under Kaladin’s surgeon clothes?” Her smile was wicked as she slid him back between her lips again. 

Adolin stared up at the ceiling and grinned, moving his hips slightly in time with her mouth. He imagined taking Kaladin’s clothes off, and what he might find underneath. “However long it takes, but no matter when it happens it won’t be soon enough.” He was a bit worried that Kaladin wouldn’t be interested in this kind of relationship, but he was also excited by the challenge of it. 

“I could Lightweave you a guess if you like,” Shallan intoned. She had occasionally created Lightweavings around or above them to enhance the mood, but she'd never made an image of a specific person for him before. He knew it wasn't very different from a drawing, and he knew that Shallan definitely had a special sketchbook she kept for such inspirations, but somehow it felt strange to him. Maybe it was because he wasn't a Lightweaver himself, or maybe it was because she would be doing it for him to see - like a secret between them. I'm not very good with secrets.

“No, I want the real thing,” he said. “Besides, I have a feeling he would be mortified if he ever found out we did that.” 

Shallan shrugged and nodded, satisfied with his answer. Adolin wondered whether she ever did that on her own. If she did, that was her own private business. If she was alone, it wasn’t any different than what he pictured inside his mind, and the pictures he wove inside his mind could also make Kaladin mortified. Or he might like it...

Her mouth smoothly enveloped his shaft and out again, rolling her tongue across the head. She was getting *very* good at that. Almost too good. The warmth, the wetness, and his imagination were bringing him closer to orgasm than he wanted to be so soon. Adolin gestured to her to get up, then followed suit. He wrapped his arms around her, laying her on her back. “As much as I might accidentally think about Kaladin, you’re the one here with me tonight," Adolin said. "I want to focus on you.” He crawled on top of her, covering her breasts with licks and kisses, and she arched her back into his touch. His infatuation was spilling over into excitement about Shallan’s body. The contrast in his desires was bringing out his attention to the details of her form - her ears, her freckles, her hip bones. He explored her with his mouth, revelling in how alive he felt, his senses keen with the thrill of her body against his. 

Shallan kissed his mouth, her lips soft and warm against his own, her nose cold against his face. She pulled herself closer to him, skin to skin, and ran her hands across his shoulders and back. Adolin soaked up her pleased murmurs about his muscles, smiling into their kiss. Having sex with Shallan was comfortable and so very pleasurable. He melted into her, feeling grateful again. 

She reached over and grabbed a towel that was conveniently beside the bed, and placed it under her hips. That was a sign that she was expecting to come a lot tonight. His excitement growing, he traced kisses back down her body, and nuzzled between her legs.

"You ready?" she asked mischievously. 

He grinned back, quoting a metaphor she often used. "Once the storm hits, I'll bunker in until the riddens." 

She was already wet, and he licked her eagerly, running his tongue across her clit. She relaxed into him and hummed pleasantly. He held his tongue flat against her clit, feeling it pulse against him, then licked broad, firm strokes over it. Shallan moaned. She held his head between her hands, running her fingers through his hair, as he licked the vague shape of the Kholin glyph into her. He sucked her, then changed his pattern of licking, and soon she came, spilling hot and wet over his face. He pushed a little harder, flicking up and down like she liked, and she came again, bucking her hips against him. He held his breath and continued until she moaned and settled again. Adolin nibbled her outer lips gently and she hummed pleasantly. Suddenly he realized he didn’t feel the hum going through her body. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, and she looked back with a question on her face. She wasn’t humming.

“Pattern, wherever you are, get out!” he said sternly.

“Sorry!” The pleasant humming exited the room. Shallan laughed. 

“He didn't sound sorry. You need to get a handle on him,” Adolin said, shaking his head.

“It’s more difficult than it sounds,” Shallan responded, chuckling. “He’s determined to figure out humans.” 

“Guess I’ll just have to get a handle on you then,” Adolin smiled, grabbing her hips and pulling her towards his face again. Instead, Shallan sat up, moving him into a seated position, then straddled him and lowered her body. She slid Adolin’s cock into her and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her breasts pressing against his chest. Adolin forgot all about spying spren, focusing on kissing her neck instead. 

The slick wetness and heat of her body made him groan against her skin as she moved against him, rocking her hips. Adolin closed his eyes and let himself drift into sensation. He ran his hands along her back, her smooth, soft skin almost flowing beneath his fingertips. He lost himself in her. Moving on instinct, he grabbed her ass with his hands and helped lift her up and down. As she kissed him, he grasped her ass over and over, spreading her cheeks apart. He thought about putting a finger in her asshole, imagining how it might feel. Suddenly it wasn't her asshole, but Kaladin's. The need was starting to get overwhelming. 

“You’re thinking about Kaladin, aren’t you? What do you want to do to him?” she whispered into his ear.

He pulled himself out of his reverie. “Is it that obvious?” 

She kissed him deeply, then got up off of him. “You’ve never touched my ass like that before. Do you want to practice for him?” On her hands and knees, she turned her body around so her ass was facing him. She looked back, tossing her hair dramatically. “I don’t have all his parts but I can help with this…” She wiggled her ass.

Adolin didn’t need to be offered twice. He dived in, burying his face between her cheeks, and licking her asshole eagerly. Why haven’t we done this before?   he thought. This is so good. Her moans were encouraging. She lowered her head onto her forearms. “I had no idea this would feel so good…” she said into the sheets. 

He touched her cheeks and thighs as he licked, grabbing what he wanted. He was throbbing, aching with desire. He wanted to be inside her. “How...how do I do this?” he asked. 

“Put your cock in my ass, Adolin,” she breathed. She started to touch herself, and she leaned down more, exposing more of her ass to him. His breath hitched when he saw her eagerness, and he leaned in again, kissing and licking with renewed vigour.

“But what if I hurt you?” he panted.

She laughed. “I’m a Radiant, love. If I can walk away from being run through with a sword, I can take your spear. I want you inside me,” she said, more urgently. “This feels really good...I want more.”

Adolin was persuaded. His cock was coated with her come, and he added his saliva for good measure. He lined himself up with her slicked asshole and pushed gently against it. Shallan moaned, “Oh, that feels good. Push harder.” He did, and started to ride her rhythm to press his tip against her. After a moment or two suddenly the head of his cock popped inside. Two things happened - Adolin felt an intense pressure and heat around his cock, and Shallan yelped. “Oh, Almighty!” she cried. 

Adolin stopped. “Are you ok?”

She stopped too. “Yeah...just...hold it there for a second.” Adolin rubbed her back slowly, helping her to relax, and he felt the tension of her body around him release a bit. It felt like her ass was gripping him, and he started to feel intoxicated. “Mmmm…” they hummed in unison. 

Shallan shifted slightly. “Ok, you hold still for now and I'll do the pushing.” 

“I can do that,” Adolin said. A part of him didn't want to wait, but he restrained himself. Instead he braced his body as she started a light rhythm again, pushing his cock very slightly further into her with each movement. Her moans intensified, and she started touching herself again. On every beat, her hips sheathed more of him in her ass, and the sense of being so completely gripped almost overwhelmed his senses. His breath was becoming ragged, and he clung to her hips, trying hard to stay still. Soon her ass was bumping against his balls and hips, and her movements were getting more energetic.

"Run me through, Adolin," Shallan said in a deep, throaty voice. He'd never heard her use that tone before, and the sound of it brought on a thrill unmatched by battle. He joined her rhythm, pulling her ass towards him as she pushed into him, and they both cried out. He slapped his hips against her ass, abandoning his restraint. She was rubbing herself energetically, and he heard her come again. He touched her thighs to feel the wetness dripping down her legs, and thrust into her as deeply as he could. He reached underneath her to touch her breasts, then ran his hands around her shoulders and across her back, finding purchase on her hips again. From inside and outside her, he felt her body shuddering with pleasure as she came again. He lost sense of anything except the waves of pressure tightening around his cock, the warmth building deep in his balls, the pleasure begging to be released. His muscles tensed, and he came into her with a gasp, grabbing her shoulders with his wet hands for support. For a moment the world was still and clear, his mind completely at peace, a vision of an eternity of passionspren in front of his eyes. Then the room returned to him, and he realized he was still gripping Shallan’s body as though he was a fearful rider. He laughed, remembering Kaladin trying to ride for the first time, and let go of Shallan, rubbing her shoulders and slowly, gently pulling out of her. 

He flopped to the bed on his back beside Shallan, who had collapsed on her belly. They both lay there for a moment, catching their breaths. They gazed dreamily into each other's eyes, smiling at each other, and taking in what had just happened.

“Let’s definitely do that again sometime,” Shallan breathed, her voice still deeply relaxed. 

“Yes, let’s,” Adolin agreed, dazed. “You really enjoyed that, huh?”

“Yeah,” she said, reaching out to him. “There was definitely a little pain at the beginning but I think when I was able to control the movement it was easier to relax and it felt a lot better. Once we got going though, Adolin, it only felt good. Smooth. I felt like I had no choice but to relax. It was like you knew exactly what to do and when to do it. It was incredible.”

Adolin smiled at the compliment, and memorized what they'd learned so he could use it again later. He propped his head up, rolling to his side. “Which do you like better, front or back?” he asked, curious.

“Can’t a lady have both?” Shallan smiled. “They definitely both have their merits. I think we’ll have to do more experiments. You know, do some repeat testing to make sure we’ve gotten all the factors. What about you? Which do you like better?”

Adolin was already yawning. “Wow, that took a lot out of me. Sorry, dear. I'd say the novelty of the ass has a hold on me right now, but I wouldn't want to give up any part of you. Let’s get cleaned up before I fall asleep here.”

Shallan nodded, slowly rolling off the bed and grabbing her robe. “Pattern is going to be insufferable. He's got a thousand questions about...the back entrance.” 

Adolin guffawed. “Well I’m not going to tell him. I feel lucky I don’t have to try to describe sex to a spren. No thank you.”

“It’s a strange bond," Shallan replied seriously. "In some ways, it’s closer than a romantic relationship because they’re literally inside your head. They know things that you don’t want to know yourself sometimes. Then on top of that they are so foreign and curious, and it’s hard to set boundaries." She laughed as she shrugged on her robe. "Don’t be so glib about it, Adolin - you might have to teach Maya to keep out of our room someday.” She laughed.

As he got out of bed, Adolin noticed that none of the spheres had gone dun, and he smiled with relief and a bit of pride.

Notes:

I have very much enjoyed thinking about the words each character uses for various sex related concepts. I think Shallan uses a lot of euphemisms and pet names, Adolin uses words he learned as a soldier, and Kaladin prefers medical terms.

Chapter 5: Diagnosis

Summary:

Adolin goes to Kaladin for a diagnosis. No big CWs here.

Notes:

Note: “Throat's gemheart” = Adam’s apple

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

The smell of antiseptic wafted through the room as Kaladin worked. There was a certain calm that usually came from wiping down the examination table in between patients, but it didn't seem to be coming to him today. He was having trouble concentrating. Avoiding Adolin was getting more difficult - he had been actively trying to avoid everyone except Shallan, actually, since he had first been teased by Lopen and Skar - and Shallan was right that he couldn't avoid it forever. Still, he felt that he needed to make a decision before he saw him again. 

“You’re thinking about Adolin again, aren’t you?” Syl asked, sitting on a package of bandages, her blue skirt drifting in an imaginary breeze. 

“It’s just so difficult, Syl,” he moaned, splashing more antiseptic on a cloth and wiping down the counter. 

“It’s not difficult!” she exclaimed, standing up. “You like him, and he likes you. Even you can’t deny that anymore.” She smiled proudly, as though she had created Shallan’s storming drawing herself. 

There's no denying that Adolin likes me. But do I really like Adolin? And is it worth it to take such a huge risk?

“What's left to decide?" Syl asked. "Shallan, lovely Shallan, has given you her consent to figure out what kind of like you have. You deserve to spend time with someone who cares about you.”

Kaladin sat down, still holding the bottle of antiseptic, wishing he could crawl out of his own skin rather than think about this. He turned to her. “It's more complicated than that, Syl. It's about more than Shallan and Adolin's marriage. It's a huge risk. If I can’t give Adolin what he wants, not only do I lose two friendships, which is frightening enough, but I could be strung out in a highstorm. The clinic--my family--could be at risk. He’s the storming Kholin Highprince! Even if he doesn’t go after me, what about Dalinar? Or Renarin? Or Queen Jasnah? If I can't meet his expectations, my family could get thrown out of Urithiru! It would kill my father to be separated from Hearthstone’s people. And Oroden would have no place to grow up…” he sighed, turning the bottle in his hands. “My mother would be so excited if I had a relationship, it’s all she talks about these days. And if it broke up, I think it might even be worse than the eviction.” He stood and started pacing, leaving the bottle on the counter absentmindedly. "And besides that, Shallan gave consent to figure out what our relationship is, but what if she doesn't like what we decide on? She is married to him and I'm, I'm nothing." He gritted his teeth, wishing he could harden his heart. "No matter what I do, I'll always be on the outside looking in. He would never, could never, be mine. Not truly. Don't you see, Syl? I'm bargaining with clearmarks." 

“But Kal, Adolin and Shallan would never hurt you! I know it! Maybe the way isn't clear, but you'll figure it out. He likes you! Journey before destination, remember?” Syl responded enthusiastically, almost pleading.  

“Well, he might not like me anymore if he got to know me better…” Kaladin muttered hopelessly. “Being a Radiant isn't exactly rare anymore. I'm not a Highmarshal. I'm not even a soldier. I'm broken. What do either of them even see in me that they think there's a chance it could work?" What are they after? he thought. "Syl, I can’t talk about this right now. I need to get to my next patient.” He leaned out the door to signal to Hesina that he was ready for the next person in line. She was smiling and laughing at someone around the corner. Kaladin smiled, trying to relax. It was nice to see her settled in and helping the other residents feel more comfortable too. She waved the patient around the corner, revealing none other than Adolin Storming Kholin, Highprince of Kholinar, striding confidently towards him. 

He was wearing an immaculate uniform of Kholin blue. His boots had been polished bright and they clicked against the stone floor as he walked. His pants were neatly pressed, tucked into the boots with military precision. The jacket itself was simply ornamented, just outside the limits of the Codes, with silver stripes on the cuffs and along the bottom, silver buttons along the sides, and the Kholin glyph embroidered on the chest and sleeves, also in silver. The jacket was open, without a vest underneath, only a starched white shirt, which practically shone against the blue. The white shirt revealed the dark circles of his nipples underneath. And his friendly open face, his perfectly messy hair… I am not ready for this , Kaladin thought wildly. His brain froze as Adolin smiled and said hello. Automatically, he waved this new patient in. In his daze, he missed seeing his mother peeking back around the corner as they stepped into the examination room. 

Kaladin closed the door and faced him, realizing in a panic just how small the room was. He could smell a hint of Adolin’s cologne in the air and suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He turned away, fumbling with the antiseptic which he’d forgotten to put away, buying some time to retrieve his brain from wherever he’d left it. 

Adolin hopped on the table, pretending as though he were just another patient. “Surgeon Stormblessed,” he said formally, “I have a problem I need help with.” Kaladin heard the warmth and humour in his voice, and his breath hitched. So much for avoiding him. No, I can't do this right now! 

Kaladin’s surgeon brain finally emerged. If there’s a problem, I will fix it, even if the patient makes me feel…things. He turned towards Adolin, straightening his back and assuming his most professional demeanour. He met Adolin’s beautiful blue eyes, and his knees immediately threatened to collapse under him. He leaned against the far end of the table to muster his strength. “What can I do for you today?” he managed.

“Well,” Adolin smiled, his legs kicking idly off the edge of the examination table, “there seems to be something wrong with my heart.” He looked down, patting his chest, then glanced up at Kaladin through gorgeous blond-and-black lashes, a shy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Kaladin caught his breath. It felt like the world had gone still. Storms , I’m in real trouble. I have to get him out of here! Think!

“That sounds serious,” Kaladin said, frowning. “What are your symptoms?” 

Adolin took a long, slow intentional breath, his hand over his heart, making eye contact with Kaladin in an extremely personal and upsetting way. “Well, Surgeon Stormblessed, my heart is beating quite quickly. Sometimes I can feel it in my throat as though it’s trying to jump out. My stomach flips around like a skyeel, and I’ve lost my appetite. I’m very distracted. I almost forgot to put the protector on my Shardblade when I was sparring today.” He looked at Kaladin sheepishly.

As Adolin was speaking, Kaladin tried desperately to observe him like a surgeon. Hands fidgeting. Breathing shallow , he noted. 

Kaladin stepped forward, lifting Adolin‘s arm and feeling the pulse in his wrist. Hands cold and sweaty . “Do you feel any numbness or tingling in your left arm? Are you experiencing any chest pain?”

“Um, no,” Adolin replied. His body perceptibly leaned into Kaladin's touch. 

Pulse is a bit high for someone so athletic, but not anywhere near dangerous levels, he thought. I can rule out a heart attack . Face flushed. Is he feverish? Kaladin put his hand to Adolin’s forehead. Adolin's eyes closed and he pressed his face against Kaladin’s hand. Warm but not feverish, he concluded. He removed his hand and began to pace the room, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.  

“Are you overly thirsty? Is your urination more frequent than usual?”

Adolin smirked. “You could say I'm more thirsty than usual." He blinked. "…Urination? Um, normal I guess?”

“Are you fatigued?”

“No, if anything I have more energy than usual.” Adolin's smile wavered. 

Kaladin stepped right into Adolin’s personal space, noses almost touching. Kaladin pointedly looked away from his soft eyes and full lips. 

“Could you please exhale slowly?” he asked. Adolin complied, and Kaladin smelled his breath. It doesn’t smell fruity. I can rule out diabetic ketoacidosis , he thought, ignoring his own heart racing from being so close to the man. His breath smells good, everything about him is so good...Stop it! Stop it! Focus!

His face still inches away from Adolin's, Kaladin reached out with both hands and gently palpated Adolin’s lymph nodes. He placed his fingers at the back of Adolin's jaw, close to his ears, and slowly, pressing gently, traced symmetrical lines towards his chin and then down his neck, ending at the opposite sides of his throat's gemheart. Adolin swallowed. Kaladin’s fingers lingered briefly, tracing lightly one last time before removing them reluctanly. He realized his hands were shaking. Kaladin shook his head, angry at himself for slipping even slightly. This is a professional setting. I should have more control . He stepped away, standing stiffly with his traitorous, lingering hands clasped firmly behind his back.

“Well, the good news is that you don’t seem to have any major or urgent issues. However, I am concerned that you might be developing an infection. You have recently travelled to a foreign location and we don't know what kind of illnesses exist in Shadesmar. I'd like you to stay home and rest this afternoon, and I will come by after I'm done here to check in on you." 

Adolin's eyes widened and his mouth tightened. "Um, yes, of course Surgeon." He buttoned up his jacket, face flushing again, and stepped off the table. Kaladin turned away, searching his cupboards. Adolin opened the door to leave.

"Oh, Adolin, take this." Kaladin proffered a small pouch. "It's powdered knobweed root. Dissolve it in a glass of water, gargle, and swallow. It can help stave off infection." Adolin's hand brushed against Kaladin's as he took it, and Kaladin's fingers tingled at the touch. Adolin turned to leave again. 

"Adolin?" Kaladin suddenly asked, surprising himself.

"Yes Surgeon?" Adolin responded from the doorway, his face still turned away.

"I should thank you." Kaladin scrambled for a reason to have called him back. What are you doing, Kaladin? He was almost gone, he thought angrily, but he knew a part of him wanted Adolin to stay.

"For what?" Adolin turned back towards Kaladin, his face scrunched up, infuriatingly adorable. There's no way this can end well for you, Kaladin, he warned himself.

Kaladin cleared his throat. Can I say something light and funny, like Shallan? "Well, since those rumours started going around, the number of young women coming to my clinic with vague ailments has dropped to zero. Now I can focus on people who actually need my help." He tried to smile encouragingly, but it came out more like a grimace.

"Oh," Adolin said in a strangled voice. He ran his hand through his beautiful hair, leaving a clump standing up. It was everything Kaladin could do not to reach out and place it back. 

Adolin nearly ran from the clinic, clutching the pouch. 

Kaladin turned and ensconced himself in the examination room. " Stupid, stupid, stupid ," he said to himself. He grabbed the antiseptic and started scrubbing furiously. " Stupid joke. And unprofessional. You've wasted perfectly good knobweed root. You allowed yourself to touch a patient unnecessarily. You know his diagnosis and you didn't have the courage to say anything. And now you're going to meet him in his rooms tonight. What happened to buying some time to think?" He thought of how muscular Adolin's neck was, how gorgeous his hair, the look in his eyes when he said it was his heart. He melted at the thought. He thought about how his body reacted to touching Adolin's, his fingers trembling, his desire to not let him leave. He let out a noise somewhere between a groan and a squeak. The memory of his talk with Shallan lingered. Whatever it ends up being, I support it with all my heart , she had said. 

Syl appeared, quickly climbing her invisible steps and settling on her belly in midair, intently watching Kaladin. "You mean he doesn't have an infection? What's his real diagnosis?"

Kaladin gritted his teeth. "He doesn't just like me, Syl. He's in love. And...so am I."

Stormfather!

Notes:

This is one of the first ideas I had for this fic. I loved it SO MUCH when Adolin came by the surgery clinic in RoW before he left for Shadesmar and this is what I wanted to happen.

Lamaery made fanart for this chapter! Enjoy :)

A digital illustration of Adolin and Kaladin by Lamaery. Adolin sits on an examination table in the Hearthstone clinic. He is wearing a Kholin uniform with extra embellishments on the cuffs and boots. He is leaning forward, looking upwards with a longing expression. Kaladin stands in front of him. He is touching the sides of Adolin’s neck and leaning forward, looking intently at what he’s doing. Kaladin’s hair is pulled back in a tail, and he is wearing an apron over a white shirt, vest, and brown pants that end at the calves.


Chapter 6: Eyes of Red and Blue

Summary:

Kaladin makes a house call.

Notes:

I know that in the text, “eyes of red and blue” means refusing to admit the truth, but idk maybe Kaladin is remembering it wrong. He heard that story a long time ago when he was super stressed. Don’t @ me ;)

CW mention of suicidality/honour chasm

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Adolin laid on his couch, stewing. He and Shallan had spent a lot of time coming up with a way to talk to Kaladin without scaring him, and it had failed miserably. They'd thought that if Adolin surprised him, Kaladin wouldn't be anxious beforehand, and if he met him on his own territory he would feel more confident. But they hadn't taken into consideration that Kaladin would be so storming professional. Before he'd even had a chance to make it playful, Surgeon Stormblessed had diagnosed him and sent him on his way. 

Then Adolin had to cancel his meeting with Sebarial so he could rest all afternoon with nothing to distract him from his thoughts. The drink had been disgusting. And laying here was making him irritated. When he needed to clear his mind, he needed to move - put a sword in his hand and an opponent in front of him. A duel could put him in a place where he was so focused that the rest of the world fell away. That's what I need right now, not to stew in my failure with a literal bitter taste in my mouth. 

He didn't even know he could get sick from anything in Shadesmar. A sword in the stomach? Sure. But a common throat infection? It seemed farfetched. 

...in fact, thinking about it, it did seem suspicious. He went over the event again in his mind. Storms, I'm lucky I decided to use a breath freshener . He knew he couldn't predict the future, but Kaladin smelling his breath was not in any of his plans... 

The bridgeboy had been so thorough. Kaladin was a well trained surgeon, one of the best in Roshar, probably. There's no way he could have missed that Adolin was describing his feeling of falling in love with him. That was supposed to be sweet and clever but it had no effect on him whatsoever , he thought, unnerved. Maybe I’m just imagining that he likes me ... He looked over to the desk where Shallan’s drawing was sitting. No, it’s real , he reassured himself. The truth that had been revealed was unmistakable. He shook his head. Then where did I go wrong? Kaladin must have known that Adolin was faking it and was punishing him for wasting his time. Now I can focus on people who actually need my help , he recited, groaning. What a mess. He threw an arm over his eyes.

...but there was more to it, too. He had gotten no emotion off Kaladin. It was as though he was playing the role of surgeon. It felt familiar. It was like...it was like interacting with Radiant, actually. 

Adolin sat up, throwing the blanket off. Shallan had said that Radiant was there to protect her from her emotions and memories. Kaladin's demeanor in the surgery clinic may not be a persona, but it was enough to protect him from whatever he was feeling. Wait a minute , he thought. He didn't call me Highprince Kholin. He called me Adolin.

Adolin smiled. "So much for hiding your feelings, bridgeboy.” He smirked and looked over at the drawing. “Well, no point in 'resting' anymore, is there Maya?" he said, standing. "Might as well start getting an outfit ready for this house call." 

 

**************

 

A few hours later, he was back on the couch, underneath the blanket again, when he heard a knock on the door. His senses felt acutely alive, like the moments before a duel. Adolin started wondering if he had eaten chicken today, and idly wished he’d had Shallan paint a glyph for him. No, I don’t need those anymore. I have Maya, he thought, comforted by her presence. 

"Come," he called, and Kaladin entered. 

To Adolin's surprise, Kaladin wasn't wearing his surgeon's uniform. Instead, he wore a simple white shirt and brown trousers, like what the darkeyes from his town wore. The shirt was too tight across the shoulders, but hung loosely from his armpits; his pants were a few sizes too small. Judging by the tightness of the crotch, he could tell the trouser cuffs likely didn't even reach his ankles. Still, he would look handsome in anything. Adolin stretched and sat up slowly. 

Kaladin stood awkwardly, not approaching. "Did you take the knobweed root?"

"Yes," Adolin answered. "If my surgeon tells me to do something, I do it. I also cancelled my appointments and rested all afternoon. In fact, I was feeling fine, until you entered. Now my heart is racing again. Will you listen to it?” He threw the blanket off and stood, revealing that he was wearing the soft silk layers preferred by the elite. It was, of course, tailored to highlight his best features. 

Kaladin blushed. He took a step towards Adolin, his hands in fists, arms rigid at his sides. He looked down. "I... I need to apologize about that. I breached professional conduct by being dishonest. I misled you. You're not in danger of infection, as far as I'm aware. I'm sorry."

Adolin closed the distance between them slowly, at an angle, as though he were approaching a wild horse. Give him some room , he thought. Let him know he's free to escape.

"Well, I can't say I was looking forward to meeting with Sebarial," he said soothingly, with warmth in his voice. He smiled and lifted his eyebrows. "If you misled me, then, what's my actual diagnosis?"

"Adolin," Kaladin warned, his brow furrowed, "You know already, better than I do." He crossed his arms over his chest. A heartbeat later, he lifted his head and looked into Adolin’s eyes, searching. Storms, his eyes were intense. He didn’t have his surgeon role to protect him now - his emotions were right on the surface, like the storm inside a sphere. 

"At ease, bridgeboy, you don't have to say it." Adolin tried to lighten the mood. As much as he desperately wanted to hear it, he didn't want his closest friend to bolt either. 

"No, Adolin, you deserve to know the truth." Kaladin stood stiffly, elbows locked, twisting awkwardly in silence. Adolin backed off and gestured towards the couch. Kaladin sat on one end of the couch, and Adolin brought two glasses of orange wine and handed one over. He sat at the opposite end, leaning back, one slippered foot up on the couch, knee up like a barrier, giving Kaladin lots of room. He took a sip and waited, trying to exude calm.

Kaladin sat stiff and straight, feet on the floor. He wiggled a bit and then leaned forward, elbows on his knees, holding the cup of orange in both hands as though it could warm him. He stared forward sightlessly as he began speaking. 

"When I was a slave on Bridge Four, Sigzil told me a story about prisoners who had the choice between a quick easy death, or a long, slow, painful death - with only a glimmer of a hope to survive. The prisoners would always choose the long painful death for the promise of a small chance of survival. When you take a fool's hope, you have 'eyes of red and blue' - red for the cuts you bled into the sea, blue for the water you would die in when the greatshell inevitably ate you. At the time, I had realized that the bridgemen were bait in Sadeas’ plans - that no amount of skill or strength training would get us out alive. We had essentially been handed a death sentence." He turned to Adolin, a sad softness in his eyes, and Adolin brought down his leg instinctively. He shuffled closer to Kaladin, matching his posture beside him. 

Kaladin continued. "Even though I had just survived a highstorm, something impossible by any measure, I still didn't believe there was any hope. I started to eye the Honour Chasm again. I was a miserable wretch." 

He sighed, staring into his wine. "It was not too long after that I learned the phrase ‘journey before destination’, and saw some wisdom in having eyes of red and blue. If I gave up, I would be at my destination, but there was still life to be lived - I just didn‘t know it. Bridge Four, some of us at least,” he paused, “ended up surviving multiple times against immeasurable odds. We survived the greatshell, so to speak. When I think back on it now, I can see that I kept choosing the journey, and that’s what got me here today.” 

Kaladin looked up then, his dark brown eyes shining, his lips frowning slightly. He swallowed. "Adolin, I'm a broken man. I almost...lost myself again, recently . I’m still exhausted from what happened here. I'm not a Highmarshal. I'm not even a soldier anymore. I’m confused about who I am, where I belong. I feel like I’m drowning, and here are you and Shallan, offering me a hand. Everything inside me is screaming that you will pull me up just to consume me, and a part of me is eager to see it happen so I can finally just die.”

Adolin’s heart wrenched. No wonder a fun and light approach didn’t work.. . “Kaladin, I...” he was at a loss for words. He hung his head, and some stray hair fell into his eye. Kaladin reached over and brushed it back gently, his lips trembling slightly. Adolin shivered at the touch and met his eyes again.

“Adolin, I’m telling you this so you get an idea how hopeless this seems to me. But...I'm also starting to believe that it's worth it to try, even if the prospect of failure is overwhelming." Kaladin gave him a weak, watery smile. “Despite what seems like insurmountable odds, I have to accept the fact that you love me, that you want to be closer to me for reasons I do not understand. You haven’t let me down before. You remind me to live by the Words.”

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination. Adolin's heart grew warm.

Then his stomach flipped. Wait, is this really happening? "Yes! Kaladin, I do love you,” he said earnestly. He put down his cup of wine. “I care about you so much my heart hurts just thinking about it. I want to be closer to you." He reached towards Kaladin, tentatively, not knowing where to touch, his hand hovering between them. 

"Adolin..." Kaladin put down his cup and turned to him, grasping Adolin's hand. He turned it palm upwards, and massaged the meat of his palm with both thumbs. "I don't think you understand just how difficult this will be. It's probably impossible. Are you willing to do this even if I scare you? Even though you know it’s dangerous?” Kaladin bit his lip. “Do you have eyes of red and blue?”

Stormfather, he thinks he’s going to hurt me . He remembered his father’s words, and the warning suddenly made sense. Damnation, I will not hurt him . Adolin nodded seriously. “I would brave the greatshell myself.”  

Kaladin searched his eyes intently for a moment. Adolin sat up straight under his gaze, not breaking the eye contact, jaw out, defiant. After a moment, Kaladin brought Adolin’s hand towards his mouth and kissed his palm, then placed the hand around his waist. Adolin's heart leaped as he felt the heat and smoothness of Kaladin's waist through his rough spun shirt. By Shalash herself, this is happening! He grinned. 

Kaladin's eyes were alight with energy, and he was looking at Adolin's lips. Instinctively, Adolin drew his hand down Kaladin's waist, under his ass, and grasped him under the thighs in a move he had learned in wrestling. Instead of flipping him off balance, though, he smoothly pulled his friend's whole body around and into his lap, other hand sliding behind his back to steady him. Kaladin’s arms were already wrapping around his shoulders. Adolin tilted his head up, and their lips met. Adolin opened his mouth, preparing to meet tongue with tongue as he did with Shallan, whereas Kaladin had pressed his lips in a tight purse, and Adolin ended up licking his mouth. 

Kaladin pulled back, wiping his mouth, smiling and looking around. "Did Syl put you up to that?” He smirked at Adolin. “Is that what you want for our first kiss? A trick?" Adolin laughed, hugging Kal close and then pulling back again. 

"Like you said, making this work is going to be difficult,” Adolin grinned. He couldn’t stop grinning. “Nearly impossible, in fact.” He pulled him in tight again, kissing under his chin. “So it’s going to take a lot of practice to get it right.” 

Their lips came together again, and this time he met Kaladin on his own terms, lips softly grazing against lips, bodies pressed against each other. Storms, he feels so good

Adolin relished the sensations, smelling a hint of antiseptic and natural sweat, feeling the ripple of muscle across his broad shoulders through the rough shirt, the warmth and weight of Kaladin’s body on his thighs. He’s so masculine , he thought, enjoying the rough stubble on his cheeks, the breadth of his muscular back. 

He felt a warmth flow through him. He shifted his weight underneath Kaladin and heard him gasp. The sound aroused him. He moved his hands around Kaladin’s front and upward, languorously brushing across his chest as he did so. He grasped the sides of Kaladin’s face to kiss him deeper, thumbs brushing across his cheekbones. He felt wetness, and suddenly Adolin pulled away.

“Are you crying?”

Kaladin’s eyes were closed, tears streaming down. “I’m so sorry Adolin. I didn’t mean to.” He sniffled loudly and placed his hands over his face, shaking his head.

“No, you don’t have to - I mean -” Adolin was at a loss. It seemed to be going so well . “What’s wrong Kal? Hold on,” Adolin set him back on the couch and yanked off his silk cravat, handing it to Kaladin, and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

Kaladin accepted the cravat and blew his nose unceremoniously into it. Adolin winced internally, but mercifully his face remained impassive.

“I...I don’t know what happened,” Kaladin finally said, looking down. “I felt like...I was just starting to relax, and the tears just came out all of a sudden. I felt a glimmer of, of happiness for a second. It felt...good...but also...overwhelming. I can’t remember the last time I felt good, besides flying.” He sniffled. 

“Whatever it is, you know you always have me to help. We can figure it out together,” was all Adolin could think to say. He squeezed Kaladin’s shoulder. Kaladin turned to him, eyes watering again, and clutched Adolin’s clothing, crumpling it in his fists. “I feel good, but I'm crying...I don’t know what’s happening to me,” he whispered, and buried his face in Adolin’s chest, weeping profusely onto Adolin’s sexiest shirt. 

Pulling him in close, Adolin felt a deep sadness, and he rested his head on Kaladin's heaving shoulder. The room felt darker, as though the lamp's spheres had dimmed. Being with Kaladin wasn’t going to be as lighthearted and fun as he had hoped, but it felt incredible to have his trust. All my plans have crumbled, and yet this still feels right somehow , Adolin thought as he held Kaladin tight.

Notes:

You know how when you've been holding back emotions they all just come out at the same time once you start to relax?? Thank goodness our emotional support himbo is here <3

Chapter 7: A Lie

Summary:

Shallan has a lot of worries and some complicated feelings that she's not ready to deal with. Jasnah winks at her.

Notes:

Internal poly negotiation. Turns out feelings aren't predictable, convenient, or easy to deal with! Who knew?

Updated 2021-Jul-9 to be more accurate to canon

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

Shallan sat at a desk in a small room in the basement of Urithiru, a wing reserved for finances, reviewing reports submitted by Kholin scribes for approval. Her stomach had been hurting all afternoon and into the evening. Being the wife of a Highprince came with significant responsibilities, on top of her current worries about tracking down the Ghostbloods, leading the Lightweavers during wartime, healing herself, and figuring out how to swear the Fourth Ideal. It was starting to feel overwhelming. An anxietyspren popped up on the table, looking like a black sword. Testament. I can’t forget about Testament. I need to help her too, somehow. She rested her head in her hands for a moment, then rubbed her face. 

Speaking of swords ... I wonder what Adolin and Kaladin are doing. Adolin had sent a messenger to her earlier this afternoon asking if she could keep working until Nomon rose. 

Kaladin was going to come over!

Shallan smiled, excited for Adolin, but then a sensation like a burning hot fabrial appeared in her belly. I thought I was okay with this . "Pattern, what's wrong with me?" she asked, irritated. "When I planned this, I imagined that it would be fun, and so sweet, and it’s arousing to imagine them...you know, duelling. But I can’t shake this weird feeling." 

"Jealousy?" Pattern emerged from her skirt, sliding across the financial records. 

Shallan retreated at the word, and Radiant popped up. "No, it couldn't possibly be. She was happy when she came up with the plan. She showed them the truth. They would never have pursued their feelings on their own. Shallan thought it out carefully and weighed the pros and cons justly. She knows Adolin wouldn't leave us for him. Logically, it couldn't be jealousy." Radiant relaxed and Shallan emerged again, relieved to have Radiant's support. Adolin couldn't leave me, she thought. Kaladin can't approve his financial records

She tried to imagine what they might be doing right now. She leaned on her elbow, smiling. Their tongues tasting each other, revelling in each other’s masculine forms, Adolin touching Kaladin, without her -

That burning feeling ate away at her insides. She was glad she had skipped dinner. 

Pattern hummed. " You should be mating with Adolin, not Kaladin. The proper rituals have not been performed. I think I understand the importance of the rituals now. I did not understand them before. I can smell your fear, you know."

Shallan frowned in a skeptical laugh. "That's ridiculous. I'm not afraid. Why should I be afraid of love? I must just be missing Veil - she would have loved this." Her heart ached in multiple different ways. She felt excited and anxious and tired and sad. Pattern hummed, delighted at the complexity.

Just then the door opened and Jasnah entered. "Shallan? I wasn't expecting to see you here. Not this late, anyway. Don't you usually go to the tavern with Adolin on nights there's a highstorm?"

Shallan's head shot up, reacting instinctively to her queen-and-mentor's commanding presence. She started shuffling her papers nervously, then stilled her hands, composing herself. I cannot do anything to confirm the rumours , she thought. She turned to Jasnah. "Well, since we returned from Shadesmar, Adolin's been getting more serious about his role as Highprince and he wanted me to check out the finances." She looked Jasnah in the eye, showing no weakness. Pattern slid back onto the hem of her skirt, humming lightly. 

"He's showing some interest in the role, finally," Jasnah sounded pleasantly surprised. "I wouldn't have guessed that, the way he seems so distracted in meetings." She leaned forward, looking over the pages briefly, then turned to face Shallan. 

Jasnah tapped the stack of paper, displaying uncharacteristic unease. "I hope you won't forget some of the more...pleasant aspects of being a Highprince's wife. The Kholins do need more heirs." She smiled encouragingly and winked. 

Shallan stared blankly. Did Jasnah just wink?!  

Jasnah continued, frowning. "I know I'm not getting anywhere with it, and it seems neither is Renarin." 

"...Why, uh, sure, we've been thinking about an heir..." Shallan stuttered, putting the pages away and getting up. Just throw it on the pile of worries...

Thinking about it won’t keep our family line going,” Jasnah insisted. “Gavinor doesn’t have siblings, so he will need cousins. We can’t let him grow up alone.” She looked into the distance. “It will be important for him to have family, Shallan. Now that you are both back from Shadesmar, now is the perfect time to secure your own children. I will ensure Adolin isn't assigned to any distant missions, and I will assign you one of my trusted scribes to handle the finances, to free up your time." She pulled out a small notepad. "I know your education in Jah Keved was quite lacking. Do you need assistance in your sexual education? I can recommend a number of books that are very illuminating."

Shallan blanched. "No, thanks, I think I understand the basics, thank you Jasnah, your Majesty," She ducked out of the room. That was awkward. 

Shallan stopped. She couldn't keep working on those records, and she didn’t want to deal with any of her other troubles either. She looked up and down the hallway, trembling slightly, feeling cold and sweaty. Now what do I do? 

Seeking comfort in Veil's memory, she went to a tavern, got entirely too drunk, and lost many rounds of breakneck to a group of delighted darkeyed soldiers. 

Notes:

It's called FOMO Shallan!
In case anyone was wondering, there's a difference between jealousy and envy, and Shallan isn't feeling jealous. ;)

Jealousy - fear of losing something you have that's currently meeting your needs
Envy - wanting your needs met and seeing someone else with those same needs being met

Chapter 8: Two Duels

Summary:

Kaladin warms up to the idea of being with Adolin (aka the hot tub scene).

Notes:

CW nakedness and a bit of touching.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Kaladin may be the best spearman in Roshar, Adolin thought, but he’s still got a lot to learn about holding a sword. Adolin parried Kaladin’s Windstance attack, angling his thrust so that Kaladin's wrist turned awkwardly, forcing him to step exactly where Adolin wanted him to go. He followed up with a quick turn in Vinestance, spinning to the right and sliding his foot, kicking Kaladin’s foot out as he spun his sword. 

“And there we have it,” Adolin said, panting slightly, his sword near Kaladin’s neck as the dark-haired man fell out from under his foot. The sun had just risen, and Adolin could see beams of light bursting through the clouds. 

“By the Ideals, you best me a different way every time!” Kaladin smiled from the ground, squinting into the dawn with a challenge still in his eye. 

“It's getting harder to win. You know how painful it is for me to admit that?” Adolin laughed, pulling him up. 

Adolin was in an excellent mood. Getting back into the duelling arena helped him feel alive again, in control. Duelling was a contest in which men fought with honour - a place where he faced an enemy that was real, his weapon wielded in front of him plainly. He was also very pleased that Kaladin had taken him up on his offer to train. 

When they were done, they walked together off the grounds. Kaladin started to head in a different direction.

“Hey, where are you going?” Adolin asked.

“To the public baths to clean up,” Kaladin said. “I don’t have an ocean of time before the clinic opens.”

“Why not join me in the Kholin private bath?” Adolin asked spontaneously. “It's close, and I would love to hear what you think about duelling.”

Kaladin shrugged as though his invitation was the kind he’d extend to anyone. In reality, only Renarin or his father ever joined him. Well, maybe Jakamov, sometimes, but that was different.

Kaladin fell into step with him. Adolin paused, then asked, “What have you noticed about the differences between war and duelling?”

“War is about survival. Duelling is a game that lighteyes play. No offense,” Kaladin added quickly. “The rules make duelling more honourable. I don’t mind duelling with you, because I trust that you won’t break the rules. But I don’t know if I would trust anyone else not to. Especially not since that duel.”

“That was a mockery,” Adolin remembered grimly. “But war is more of a game than even I'd like to admit sometimes, and the contest of duelling is more importnat than you might think. There are things you can learn about your opponent from duelling - Does he think through his moves or does he rely on passion? Is he defensive or aggressive? Does he forget or hold grudges?”

Kaladin considered. “So today, you shared with your enemy that you always take your chance to attack, even if the window of opportunity is extremely small, sometimes to the point of recklessness. You are willing to take the risk of heavy wounds in order to fell your opponent. I saw you twist your knee to take me down. I can use that against you later.”

“To use that information later is exactly the point,” Adolin replied. “Maybe I’m not understanding this from your perspective. I don’t know if there’s a darkeyes version of this kind of contest. In lighteyes society, it’s important to understand the minds of the other highprinces and their families. No one can trust each other fully. We find information however we can. Duelling helps to maintain a truce, a trust of some kind. It's important to know if your rival is bold or cowardly, honourable or dishonourable, skilled or useless. This knowledge pays off on the battlefield. Should this man be my enemy or my ally? It could mean the lives of hundreds or even thousands of men. That’s one of the reasons it’s important to me.” He scowled. “You would have seen what it reveals if I had been able to duel Sadeas.”

They walked in a tense silence until they arrived at the baths. Adolin’s guards, who had been following behind, stood watch at the doors. Adolin and Kaladin entered together. 

The room was small, only able to accommodate four people at most. The walls were lined with wood, creating a sense of warmth. Adolin had insisted his old baths be recovered from the Shattered Plains and reassembled here in Urithiru. It looked just the same. Wooden benches were set against the walls, and fresh towels and a new set of clothes for Adolin were stacked in the corner. Dominating the centre of the room was a round, sunken bath filled with water that had already been heated for him. The bath had a step along the interior, to make it easier to get in and out, and to enable one to sit slightly outside the water so as not to get too hot. He sighed gratefully. He always felt soothed here. Whether he won or lost, at the bath he was able to come down from the high of the contest and transition back into everyday life. 

“Kaladin, you can get undressed over there. I’ll look away if you like. Grab a towel. Be careful - there’s a heating fabrial in the centre at the bottom.”

Kaladin grunted absently as looked around the room. His eyes were wide, and Adolin thought he looked impressed. Kaladin glanced back and pulled a corner of his mouth into a tight half smile. “You don’t have to look away. I’ll change over there. Thanks.”

As Adolin undressed, he accepted Kaladin's implied offer, eyeing him eagerly. Kaladin removed his sweaty shirt with ease, revealing his well muscled chest and back. It was strange to see him with smooth skin, lacking the scars that used to poke out from under his clothing. Not to mention the lack of scars on his face, he thought. He looks almost like a different man without them. Kaladin stood for a moment, apparently considering, before hunching over away from Adolin to take off his pants and underwear. Despite being a soldier, he still seemed to be embarrassed about that. No matter how he hunched over, though, he couldn’t help but give Adolin a view. 

Adolin unlaced his duelling boots, his eyes still on the other man. Kaladin turned and met his eyes. Adolin immediately broke Kaladin’s eye contact, pointedly roaming across his dark wavy hair brushing broad shoulders, his defined chest and abs, his dark tangle of pubic hair, and his soft yet excitingly plump dick. Kaladin ducked his head and quickly stepped into the water. 

“Storms!” Kaladin exclaimed at the water. “That’s hotter than I thought.” I could say the same about you too, Bridgeboy, although I didn’t think it was possible. 

Settling in, Kaladin raised his head. Adolin had just finished taking off his own underwear, and Kaladin’s eyes explored in turn, his face unreadable. Adolin blushed but stepped into the water with confidence, perhaps leaning back a little bit to show off his own manhood as he eased himself in.  

“How does it feel?” Adolin asked as sank in up to his chest, the heat already soothing his tired muscles. 

“It feels incredible,” Kaladin replied. His arms outstretched, he sank into the water and closed his eyes. “If you had told me this was a part of duelling, I would have agreed sooner.”

Adolin considered his options. How relaxed is he, and how relaxed is he likely to get? Do I not touch him at all? Do I kiss him? More? He imagined how good it would feel to glide his fingers over his skin in this heated water… he almost groaned out loud thinking about where he wanted to touch him, but ran his hand over his mouth to stop himself. My thoughts are going wild. Don't be reckless. I have to wait for the right opportunity to strike. I can’t afford to be wrong. More importantly, he can’t afford for me to be wrong. 

He considered today’s duel while Kaladin sunk in a little deeper, his eyes remaining closed. Kaladin is a man of impressive talent, and he relies on instinct. He’s still a novice about katas and fighting stances. He fights for survival, not for his pride, yet he always fights with honour. He remembered Kaladin’s smile as he pulled him up off the ground. He maintains his curiosity even after losing, willing to learn from failure. He learns quickly. As Kaladin rested, Adolin grabbed a bar of soap, turning it idly in his hands.

Kaladin sat up suddenly. “Oh Talenel , I forgot I have the first shift at the clinic. Where’s the soap?”

I’ve got you now. Adolin smirked. “I’ll tell you where it is if you give me a kiss,” he said mildly, holding the soap in clear view of Kaladin, up and away from him. 

Kal grinned and jumped for it, splashing Adolin and all of his clean clothes. He’s being playful! He grinned back, moving his arm so that Kaladin missed.

Underwater, Kaladin hooked Adolin’s legs with his own for leverage, forcing Adolin to lose purchase on the floor of the bath. Adolin sank, just able to keep his chin above the water. Kaladin pressed his chest against Adolin’s face, and with his long reach he wrested the soap from him easily. As Kaladin slid back into the water, he shifted position, releasing Adolin’s legs. Adolin scrambled to sit up. Kaladin straddled his lap, knees on the bench, and helped him to sit up again. He regarded Adolin with a fond expression, then their lips met briefly, once, then twice. Adolin sighed. Storms, he’s so close… and naked. He looked in Kaladin's eyes and saw a fire kindling. Adolin carefully wrapped his hands around his ass and pulled him slightly closer, all while maintaining eye contact. He could feel Kaladin’s balls come to rest on his thighs. Kaladin closed his eyes and gave Adolin a longer, deeper third kiss, and a moment of passion passed between them, Adolin caressing Kaladin's ass. 

Kaladin hummed and pulled out of the kiss. “You’re going to make me late, princeling,” he smirked, and started lathering his armpits quickly. “The least you could do is help me out. Get my back.” He handed the soap back to Adolin and turned around on Adolin's lap, exposing his back. He could feel Kaladin’s ass slide against his thighs. Kelek preserve me. 

“Yes sir,” Adolin said enthusiastically. Better follow orders, he thought and happily got to work, lathering his hands and running them across Kaladin’s back, quickly and efficiently. When he was done, he gave the soap back, then gave Kaladin a scritching with his nails for good measure, watching red lines develop where he had raked his smooth skin. 

“Mmmm…” Kaladin’s baritone voice echoed as he cleaned his front and legs, rubbing himself underwater. “That’s nice. I can’t help but feel you’ve cut my feet out from under me again.” He ducked under the water and emerged from the bath quickly, ignoring the towels. Facing away from Adolin, he awkwardly shook himself, then pulled on the spare clothes he’d brought. Adolin noticed the fabric of his pants was quite thin, sticking to his legs. They’re going to get an eyeful at the surgery clinic , he thought, amused.  

“If I felled you, you’d never make it to the clinic in time,” Adolin admonished, “and I wouldn’t impugn your honour.” He grinned. 

Pulling his hair into a tail, Kaladin frowned. “Don’t tempt me.” He twisted the extra water out of his hair, looking up and to the side with a small smile. “Syl, I couldn’t ,” he chuckled. He winked at Adolin. “She's almost a worse influence than you. I’ll see you later. And thanks for the bath.” He waved and left.

Stormfather, that smile.

Adolin sank deeper into the bath and let out the long groan he'd been holding in. For a spontaneous decision, that had gone way better than expected. Taking risky opportunities, indeed, he thought to Maya. But this time I wasn’t reckless.

Notes:

The Alethi must have weird violent euphemisms for sex. Everything about them is competitive and battle focused, so I tried to reflect that here.

Chapter 9: Windstance

Summary:

Radiant reassures Adolin that she and Shallan are supportive of Adolin's relationship with Kaladin.

Updated 2021-Jul-9 to be more accurate to canon

Notes:

Poly negotiation gets complicated when personas are involved. Luckily, Radiant is very open minded.

No major CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Radiant

“Stonestance legs,” Adolin corrected. “Your upper body is in Stonestance, but your lower body is still in Windstance.” Radiant was doing well enough that she could teach beginner lessons to the Lightweavers, so in their training sessions, Adolin had moved on to prepare her to teach advanced katas.

“Thank you,” Radiant replied, widening her stance and lowering her centre. “Yes, this feels more...grounded.” She smiled, pleased to be corrected on such a small detail after completing the kata.

They were at their rooms, furniture moved aside, for some impromptu training. They had just a little bit of time between the end of Adolin’s meetings and the start of Radiant’s training session for Lightweavers. She found it helpful to warm up with Adolin when she could.

Shallan got to take regular, much-needed retreats while Radiant took over running the Lightweavers’ training every week. Since Shadesmar, it had just been Radiant and Shallan in Shallan’s head. Without a third persona, the balance of power had shifted. Before, Radiant had often been a deciding vote when Shallan and Veil disagreed. Now, Radiant was much less important in matters of decision making. Shallan had taken most of the control, and was shouldering most of the responsibility for her decisions. Radiant missed Veil the most when she knew Shallan was struggling with the stress. Veil had always been able to help Shallan relax and not take things so seriously. Since the integration, though, it seemed like that piece had been lost. In fact, there were a few issues left over from Veil’s integration that Shallan was choosing to ignore. Radiant felt vastly underqualified to help Shallan with her emotions, but at least she could give her the break.

“Over...under...over...under…” she whispered to herself as she completed the full kata, this time without any mistakes. The exercise was good, and she was sweating. She called for a break, and Adolin passed her some water. They sat down on the floor, side by side. 

“Radiant,” Adolin asked tentatively, “Could I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s that?” Radiant responded immediately, happy to be of service.

“Shallan has been extremely supportive and excited about the prospect of me and Kaladin, you know, courting. But I haven’t had the chance to ask how you feel about it.”

Radiant considered briefly, taking another swig of water. “Well, like I told Shallan, I don’t really understand it. I thought that we had all considered and decided on you. I thought that the marriage contract meant that it would just be the two of you. The three of us? You and Shallan, I mean,” she smiled. “Shallan has been pretty persuasive. She convinced me that people, and relationships, don’t grow well under strict rules, and she has assured me that we will all grow from this experience.” She shifted, stretching. “I’m all for personal growth, and living our personal truths, but Shallan is making that philosophy real in a way I couldn’t even imagine. Sometimes I feel she understands being Radiant better than I do at this point. I wonder if she sees a truth that I can’t see.” She pursed her lips. 

Adolin looked down, thinking. “I feel bad about having Kaladin here the other night and basically asking her not to come home. I know she said that was okay, but was she actually okay with it?” He looked at her, pleadingly. “She told me she was okay, but she was out way later than she needed to be, and came home pretty drunk.” 

Radiant took a moment to think. She knew that Shallan was having...complicated feelings, but she didn’t know what it actually meant. She wondered if Shallan's decision to encourage Adolin and Kaladin had something to do with her integration with Veil, but she didn't think Veil would be as thoughtful about it as Shallan had been. Was Shallan supportive? Definitely. Was she okay? ...well, Radiant wasn’t as sure about that. She had reported on Shallan’s mental state to Adolin before, but this wasn’t as dire a situation, and she was learning to trust Shallan more as she took on more responsibility. She decided not to mention her concern, trusting that Shallan would figure out her emotions on her own.

“She got surprised by Queen Jasnah that night. She had been working on the finances, but Jasnah interrupted her and told her to go, well, make a cousin for Gavinor.” She coughed.

Adolin spat out his water. “What?”

“Oh yes. It was exactly as excruciating as you are imagining.” Radiant smiled at Adolin, and he laughed. “It took a few drinks to get it out of her mind.” She looked at Adolin more seriously. “I think she’s...adjusting. She’s supportive of you both. That hasn’t changed.”

Adolin considered. “But something else has changed?”

Does realizing a truth count as changing? It’s been true the whole time, but she hasn't started to accept it…

Shallan didn’t answer, but Pattern piped in. “To say nothing has changed would be true, because it’s not yet a lie!”

Radiant nodded, satisfied with the validity of the statement. “No, nothing has changed. But going out drinking alone isn’t such a great idea, and we wouldn’t want to make it a habit. Shallan understands that Kaladin lives in a tiny room with his parents, and that leaves your rooms. She doesn’t mind being out, and she has many responsibilities to attend to. Maybe we can think of something better to do on nights you’re with Kaladin, and she doesn’t want to work. She could create more sketches of everyday people, perhaps. She finds that soothing, and needs to be mostly sober for it. We could get Beryl, or some of the Lightweavers in training, to join in for practice so she won’t be alone.” 

I could do that, Shallan said from the back of her mind. That sounds like a good idea, Radiant. A good distraction. Thank you.

Adolin looked relieved. “Shallan has been really supportive, but sometimes I worry that she’s putting it on. It’s good to know that you are confident in how she feels. And it’s great to know that you are supportive, too.” He patted her on the shoulder and smiled. Radiant sat up proudly and smiled back. She could still be useful after all. 

Notes:

Poor Radiant getting pulled into an emotional landscape that is totally outside her knowledge base... she's a real trooper though ;)

I'm trying to balance the ideas that Shallan's history of hiding the truth has left scars on her loved ones, she's still not perfect at it, and she is working really hard on being more honest with herself and others. I hope that's coming through here.

Chapter 10: Undressing

Summary:

Adolin finally convinces Kaladin to get a new outfit, and is surprised to learn it's even harder to get him out of it.

Notes:

CW for PTSD symptoms, description of slavery

Just so you know, it seems like it's gonna be really bad for a second but I promise you it's going to be okay.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

"I still think this looks ridiculous," Kaladin said, eyeing himself in a full length mirror in Adolin's dressing room. "I'm definitely changing before I go home tonight." He wriggled under the unfamiliar textures.

This...closet?...was bigger than his bedroom at home, clothes hanging from three metal rods which had been brought from the warcamps of the Shattered Plains, spanning the full length of three walls of the room. A large soft piece of furniture, looking like a comfy bed that no one is allowed to sleep in, or perhaps an oversized stuffed bench, took up the centre of the room. He had never seen so many clothes in one place in his life, besides a tailor's shop, which he and Adolin had just visited. Thinking of the value of the contents of the room made Kaladin slightly nauseous, so he tried to stop thinking about it, focusing on his new outfit instead. 

"The only thing that's ridiculous is that you chose brown pants to go with a black shirt," Adolin tsked , walking up from behind and wrapping his arms around his chest, running his hands along Kaladin's pectoralis muscles. "Other than that, you look extremely handsome. I think they did a particularly good job with the collar." He kissed Kaladin's neck, making him blush. Kaladin wasn't used to getting this much attention, and it was uncomfortable, but also...not bad? 

Syl appeared in a gust of wind, revealing herself to Adolin. "I think he looks very handsome!" she declared. She booped Kaladin's nose with her finger. "Be happy now like we talked about. I won't be too far away but I'll give you privacy like you asked." She winked at Adolin and flew away in a streak of blue light.

In the mirror, Kaladin could see Adolin smiling as his eyes traced the air where Syl had been. Kaladin knew that Adolin had taken great care, time, and expense planning their trip to the tailor, knowing that Kaladin would want to spend as little time there as possible. The outfit, no, ensemble , that Adolin had designed integrated elements from the culture of Hearthstone with the current trends of lighteyes fashion. He wore a short black jacket with amethyst coloured stripes around the collar and sleeves. It didn't even close, and ended at the bottom of his ribcage. It felt like he had been cut in half by a Shardblade. He shivered, feeling strangely bare. Underneath the jacket was a silky, black shirt with black lace at the cuffs. The fabric made him uncomfortably aware of his body as it slid across his skin. The pants had been a compromise - sturdy, dark brown, and extremely comfortable. I'm going to wear these pants every day, Kaladin thought . He couldn't argue with the fact that everything fit perfectly, a rare pleasure for an unusually tall darkeyed man. 

Looking in the mirror, Kaladin took in his form and was pleasantly surprised. He hadn't seen much of himself without his slave brands - his shaving mirror was only big enough to see half of his chin at a time - and it gave him pause to consider this new stage of his life. 

I'm a new man , he thought, tucking loose strands of hair behind his ears. Syl certainly seems to like this change. He frowned. I wonder what new failures this man will commit? He thought of Dunny, Cenn, Tien, and all the others he'd failed. I don't deserve to have nice things , he thought grimly. I'm a traitor to their memories

Adolin started kissing the other side of his neck, holding him close from behind, and the corner of Kaladin's mouth involuntarily pulled towards a smile. He closed his eyes, trying to let go of those thoughts, and tried to focus on Adolin’s touch as his hands explored his chest and shoulders. I don't want to let Adolin down. I won't fail him too, he thought, throwing his shoulders back with the intensity of his conviction.

Adolin moved around in front of Kaladin, at arm’s length but his hands never leaving Kaladin's body, his eyes hungrily taking in every angle. He shook his head at the pants, then pulled Kaladin close again, nuzzling his ear. 

"I wish I could get you to dress like this every day," Adolin whispered as he pressed his body against Kaladin's, his hands exploring his back, underneath the jacket. 

Kaladin rolled his eyes, yet still felt nervous about letting his friend down. He tried to ignore his emotions and focus on the pressure and warmth of Adolin's firm chest and torso against him, his warm breath as Adolin placed small kisses along the left side of his neck and jaw. 

Kaladin instinctively lifted his chin, exposing his neck further, and Adolin obliged, kissing, licking him slightly. Kaladin gasped with… pleasure?, as a new sensation zipped through his gut from the spot on his neck where Adolin had licked him. Adolin hungrily moved to meet Kaladin's lips. This isn't uncomfortable anymore , Kaladin realized. Inspired, he tried to do an open mouthed kiss, pulling his lips back, and their teeth clacked together.

"Ow!" Adolin said. "I could feel that impact all the way up my skull."

"Yeah, let's not do that again," Kaladin chuckled, rubbing his teeth. "I'll have to keep practicing."

They resumed their practice, lips against lips this time, and as they developed a rhythm, Adolin let slip a touch of his tongue. Kaladin smiled into the kiss, copying the movement. Adolin grasped the sides of his face, thumbs brushing against his cheekbones, fingers digging into the hair behind his ears, deepening the kiss. Kaladin melted. This is strange, weirdly wet, but it's...nice. Really nice. Is this even possible? 

Feeling a bit overwhelmed and unsure what to do with his hands, Kaladin wrapped his arms around Adolin’s shoulders. He slid his fingers up the nape of Adolin’s neck, earning a small groan that Kaladin eagerly soaked up with his lips. Adolin let go of Kaladin's face without breaking the kiss. He ran his hands down his chest, then around his sides, sliding down his lower back, then down further , rubbing and grasping Kaladin's gluteal muscles. This doesn't just feel not bad. This feels...good. Is this what good feels like? 

"If you touch my gluteals like this every time I wear this clothing, I won't be able to wear it in public," Kaladin gasped between kisses, feeling lightheaded. 

Adolin pulled back and pecked him on the corners of his mouth. "Just say ass, Kaladin, this isn't a surgeon's clinic." He smiled and started working the other side of Kaladin's neck. "I don't think you'll be able to wear these pants for much longer here, either..."

Adolin stepped back, smiling. Catching his own reflection in the mirror, Kaladin could see his lips were swollen and wet, his eyes half-lidded. He felt embarrassed but soaked up the clear look of admiration on Adolin's face. 

Adolin tilted his head with a smirk and looked at Kaladin appraisingly from top to bottom. Something about the way he tilted his head felt suddenly wrong . Adolin stepped forward again, sliding his hands across Kaladin's shoulders to remove his jacket. No...no… Kaladin thought, horror seeping through his body. He tried to step backwards, but his body felt frozen.

It felt like the jacket was being ripped off him. Kaladin felt a sudden, cold sweat shock his body. Adolin turned away, carefully folding the jacket and putting it down on the edge of the stuffed bench in the middle of the room. Kaladin suddenly felt nightmarishly exposed . His thoughts started to race. I'm alone in here with a lighteyes….I’m in danger...what does he want with me...what if I don't please him...don’t sell me again!

Heedless of Kaladin's thoughts, Adolin approached and touched Kaladin's sides, untucking his shirt. Any good sensation in Kaladin’s body had vanished as though he had just exhaled all his Stormlight, leaving him hollow and cold. He vanished into memories. "Arms up," Adolin said, "Let's see what's underneath." Kaladin's arms went up automatically, his mind numb.

 

*************

 

Adolin

 

As Adolin started lifting Kaladin's shirt, Syl flew in. "KALADIN!" She screamed. She looked around, confused. "Where's the danger?"

Surprised, Adolin dropped his hold on Kaladin's shirt, allowing it to fall back into place. He stepped back. "What's going on?" He discovered Kaladin's vacant eyes. 

A shock of energy struck Adolin like a stormwall. "Oh storms , Kaladin, are you ok? Kaladin?" Adolin shook him slightly. He didn't respond. 

He turned to Syl. "Danger? But everything was going so -" ... well . Oh storms I've broken him. Oh Almighty, I promised I wouldn't hurt him! 

He wrapped an arm carefully around Kaladin and led him to the lounge, encouraging him to sit. Making a pillow out of Kaladin's jacket, he gently rested Kaladin's head on it and pulled his legs onto the lounge. He sat beside him, unsure what to do next. Kaladin's face was expressionless, his lips moving soundlessly. Agonyspren spun beside his head, like upside down faces carved in stone. Adolin turned to Syl. "What is happening?"

Syl flew in a flurry around Kaladin as a leaf caught in a gust of wind, then took her girlish form, standing protectively on Kaladin's chest. He stared at him accusingly. "I don't know. It felt like he was feeling happy like he should, and then suddenly I felt danger. I thought someone was attacking him. What did you do? " She crossed her arms and glared at him.

Adolin felt a stab of guilt. "I...I don't know. We were, um, kissing, and then I took off his jacket, and then I started taking off his shirt, and then this happened." He moved to touch Kaladin but Syl flew in front of his hand, stopping him. 

"Hold on Adolin. I need answers. You started taking off his clothes? But you spent so much time getting him into them! Why would you take off his clothes? I've only ever seen slave masters do that to him."

In an instant, Adolin understood. Only slave masters have undressed him ... he'd somehow activated Kaladin's battle shock. Could someone get battle shock from being undressed? It wasn't like he was under threat of a sword...

You fool, to a slave the sword is implied, even if it’s not there , he thought to himself. Think for once! 

"You're right, Syl," he said slowly. "I didn’t know. I never would have thought that getting undressed was related to his battle shock." He imagined himself in that position, being shunted around from person to person - no, from lighteyes to lighteyes - he realized with a shudder. He imagined being stripped of his clothing, his dignity, and slavers without mercy, looking him up and down like an object, haggling over a price. He had seen this scene a dozen times in his life, and had found it distasteful, but the horror seeping into his heart was brand new. 

He slouched, his head in his hands. "I really understand now. Why Kaladin hated lighteyes - couldn't trust my father, or me. Why he was so bitter when we first met. Storms, I've been ten out of the ten fools." 

He fought back nausea at how arrogant and cavalier he'd been. “Oh storms, what have I done?” He looked at Syl, tears in his eyes. "I'm as bad as any of them. I walked around, living my life, letting this -" he gestured towards Kaladin “- happen. I walked across Sadeas' bridges. How do I make this right, Syl? Is it even possible?"

Syl flew in closely, scrutinizing his face, then nodded. "Ok, I might have flown in on a hot breeze, but now I can see that you're not trying to harm him. This often happens at night. Sometimes he sees or feels or thinks of something that sets this off. He usually comes out of it within a few minutes, but he'll need to talk about it. He won't want to, but I think he needs to." 

She looked over Kaladin and sighed. "I'll let you try to help him, but I'll be nearby to make sure you don't hurt him." She turned and gestured at Adolin, pointing two fingers at her eyes and then his, then disappeared into a blue ribbon of light. 

Adolin gazed down at Kaladin laying on the lounge. Kaladin's eyes stared vacantly, leaking silent tears, streaming down the sides of his face. Adolin leaned across him. He wiped the tears awkwardly, wiped his hand on the furniture, and started to stroke his forehead. He tried to think of something calming to say to banish the agonyspren. 

"Kaladin, Kaladin, come back," he started, and his voice trembled. He patted his hair, getting a finger caught in the tangles and accidentally pulling out the tie. Storms

"You're here with me - Adolin." Carefully, he stroked Kaladin’s forehead with his thumb. Not his forehead, you’ll only make it worse.

"I'm here for you." He moved his hand to the side of his face and rubbed it gently with his palm. 

"Kaladin, you're not a slave anymore, you're here with me..."

Slowly but deliberately, Kaladin lifted his hand to Adolin's hand, holding it there against his cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his face into Adolin's hand. Almighty, thank you , Adolin prayed, breathing a sigh of relief. Kaladin shifted onto his side facing Adolin, pulling his legs up tight against his chest. His other hand joined the first, cradling Adolin's hand against his face. Adolin leaned over awkwardly but maintained the posture. 

Kaladin cried quietly for a while. Adolin wasn't sure how much time had passed. The agonyspren slowly faded away.

"I hate this," Kaladin eventually croaked, his voice dry. His eyes were still closed. 

"Kaladin, I'm so sorry -" Adolin started, but Kaladin suddenly sat up, whirling on him, releasing his hand. Adolin backed up, alarmed.

" You're sorry? You can't even begin -" he spat, then stopped abruptly. He stayed in a sitting position but wrapped his arms around his knees, burying his head. "Adolin, I've done it again. I've ruined our night," he murmured. "This is all my fault.”

How could he possibly think that? Adolin wondered. I’m the one who ruined it . "No, Kaladin," he entreated, "No one asks to be a slave.” 

Kaladin looked up suddenly, surprised. He didn’t say anything though, so Adolin continued. “No one asks to be stripped of their dignity. No one asks for mental scars. You can't be blamed for things you couldn't control." Kaladin snorted. 

I have to get him to understand. Adolin got up, straddled the lounge, and sat down again, opening up his arms and waving Kaladin forward. Kaladin looked, sniffling, then reluctantly shuffled forward. 

"I promise I won't try to take your clothes off." Adolin slowly, deliberately placed his hands at Kaladin's sides, then slid around to his back, pulling him in until Kaladin lifted his legs across Adolin's and scooched his hips closer, their stomachs almost touching. Kaladin wrapped his arms loosely around Adolin's waist and leaned his head against his shoulder. Adolin held him there, slowly rubbing his back. 

"Kaladin, what you're going through now isn't your fault. If one of your bridgemen got injured carrying a bridge, you wouldn't blame him for the injury. He was forced to carry it." He could feel Kaladin tighten his grip around his waist, and then release again. He whimpered softly and began to cry again. Adolin rocked him slightly, continuing to rub his back. He leaned his face against Kaladin's neck. 

Adolin thought carefully, then continued. "You were forced to do things in order to survive," he whispered to his friend. "You're still carrying that bridge in your mind, and you've been carrying it alone for so long. You don't have to do it alone. Let me help you carry it, until you can put it down." 

Kaladin clung to him for a long time, then let out a ragged sigh. To Adolin’s amazement, he started speaking. 

"After Amaram branded me, I was locked in a small Soulcast room with no windows, with about a dozen other slaves. My wounds hurt so badly... people were moaning, crying. I don't know how long I was in there. I just felt...numb after losing my men." He paused, clutching him tight again, and Adolin knew he was naming them in his mind. 

Kaladin continued. "They pulled me into the blinding sun and stripped me bare. I don't remember their faces but I remember their posture, the tilt of their heads. I don't know how many people were there, but we were all lined up. I heard voices. I screamed and screamed but no one listened. Then I was pulled away. The nightmare of my life just went on from there...but being stripped...that was the beginning. That's when I really knew any possibility for hope, or comfort, or justice for me was gone."

Adolin had never heard Kaladin talk about himself before - just how his actions had impacted others. He hugged him close, willing all the love and safety he could muster into Kaladin. "Kal, I can't imagine what that was like. All I can do is hold you now."

Kaladin shifted, pulling closer still, his body flush against Adolin's. Adolin hugged back, wishing he could pull the pain out of Kaladin, or at least share it with him. He brushed his lips against Kaladin’s neck. The sphere lamps in the room dimmed again, but Adolin couldn’t see Kaladin breathing it in. Kaladin wrapped his legs tight around Adolin, hugging with them too. They stayed there a few more minutes, Adolin slowly rocking Kaladin, holding his head tight to his body, until Kal's breathing eventually evened out. 

"Adolin, thank you ," Kaladin said into the crook of Adolin’s neck. He slowly pulled out of the hug, leaning back just enough to rest his hands on Adolin’s shoulders, his thumbs brushing his collarbones. Adolin saw that despite Kaladin's red, puffy eyes and his wet face, his jaw and eyebrows were more relaxed. 

"I feel...lighter," Kaladin said, reflective. He looked deeply into Adolin’s eyes. "Like there still could be hope for me. I'm sorry I ruined our night again. I do...want to...do more with you. Maybe it'll take more time."

"I said I would face a greatshell for you Kaladin, and I meant it,” Adolin replied. “I really, really want to do other things too, but only if you're ready. Don't worry about me, ok? I love our time together, no matter what we're doing. It's just great to be with you." He kissed him lightly on the lips.

Kaladin smiled softly, and Adolin's heart soared. Somehow I managed not to ruin him. I'll have to burn a glyphward for this. 

Adolin got up and left the room, grabbing Kaladin's regular clothes. He brought them back. "Here Kal," he said, tossing them on the lounge. "It's late and I can see the exhaustionspren around you. Let's get you home. I'll wait out here while you change."

Later, after Kaladin was home, Adolin felt strange. His body was alight with energy, but his mind was run down. He felt relieved, but also troubled, cold, and tired. It was too late to go to the sparring grounds, and he wouldn't be able to think well enough to spar safely anyway. Instead, he walked from his dim rooms onto the balcony, where there was enough room to do some katas. He summoned Maya and performed some basic katas with her, smoothly and automatically. He started to feel himself relax a bit. 

Adolin ...

"Maya?" Adolin stopped. 

You...did good...healing…

Adolin stood, stunned, holding his sword in front of him. Confused but grateful, he smiled. "Thank you Maya," he bowed lightly to her, warmth suffusing him again.

Notes:

PTSD is a hell of a thing, and it's so unfair that even seemingly small things can set off symptoms. Kaladin's going into it knowing that it's going to be difficult, but I think Adolin is just realizing for the first time the depth of how bad it is for him.

Chapter 11: Secrecy

Summary:

Shallan has lunch with Kaladin. She doesn't deal with her feelings again, but they’re getting harder to ignore.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

A few days later, Shallan entered the surgery clinic. "Well, hello Brightlady Shallan!" Hesina exclaimed warmly. Kaladin's mother seemed unusually friendly today, getting up and walking over to Shallan with her arms extended. 

"Hi, Hesina. Is Kaladin ready for lunch?" Shallan asked. 

"He has someone in the room right now but he'll be out any minute I'm sure, Brightlady," Hesina responded. She enveloped Shallan in a hug, her head fully extended over Shallan’s shoulder. 

That's unusual, Shallan thought. Wait, is she...smelling my hair? Shallan felt like an exotic oddity. Sometimes strangers came up to her, touching her red hair or asking if it was real. I thought she would have more tact, but there's no way to fully understand the Alethi. Shallan extricated herself politely. 

Kaladin emerged, wiping the wrinkles from his shirt. "Ah, you're ready."

"Come on, let's get some lunch," Shallan said. "Just don't walk too fast, Kaladin Longlegs."

People had started to notice Kaladin and Shallan's weekly lunches, and the restaurants had started populating with lighteyed gossips peeking and giggling. They were forced to abandon their usual spot, and decided to go for street food and a walk instead. Normally that would be ok for Shallan, but last night she had been out late drinking again. This time it wasn’t even because Adolin was with Kaladin - Adolin had been free - but she had told him she was going to do some work for Navani. She had told herself she was just trying to relax, but in the shockingly bright light of the morning she had recognized how much that had sounded like Jushu’s excuses for gambling. Now, for her much anticipated weekly lunch date with Kaladin, she had a nasty hangover that was precisely her own fault. She had Lightweaved away the bags under her eyes, but had difficulty mustering up any enthusiasm for her food, or for paying attention to Kaladin's description of Kharbranthian methods of wound care. 

She gazed at him quietly as he gestured in an animated fashion, explaining some new technological development, almost losing a meatball from his chouta as he swung it around. His hair was pulled back in a tie, and as usual, a couple strands of wavy black hair were coming loose, bouncing against his cheekbone as he walked. 

He looked over at her and she looked away, embarrassed. He stopped. "Shallan, what's going on?"

"Nothing," she said defensively. Pattern hummed.

He looked at her pointedly. "You haven't eaten any of your chouta and you haven't made fun of my new pants. Not once. There's something wrong."

She looked down and saw he was wearing pants in a deep brown colour that was extremely unfashionable but somehow matched the depths of his eyes. Storms, I'm more off my game than I thought. Storming hangover. She put her fingers to her forehead. Her head was pounding.

It’s not just the hangover. There’s more you haven’t calculated, Pattern piped in.

Shut your math hole, Pattern. I don’t need this right now, she thought, suddenly angry. 

"I'm sorry your talk of a new kind of sticky binding isn't holding my attention," she replied in an irritated tone. That wasn’t fair , she thought. What is going on? Again, she missed Veil. 

With a concerned expression, Kaladin gestured her to a bench and they sat. "Shallan, are you and Adolin ok?" He asked earnestly. Directly. Ugh, why is lying still my first line of defence? I do not deserve to be friends with him. Shallan’s former association with slavery had been difficult to talk about, but they’d done it, and it had been incredibly worth it for the trust he showed her now. She sighed, trapped between not wanting to ruin Kaladin's trust in her and not wanting to talk about her feelings. She thought quickly, trying to change the topic from herself without lying. Pattern hummed with interest. 

"Oh we're fine. Actually, I was about to ask you the same thing," she evaded. "I just couldn't think how to ask. I didn't want to pry." 

Kaladin looked surprised. And guilty? "Did Adolin say anything to you?" he asked, examining her eyes.

"No, no," she said, waving her hand. "He said that things have been going very well. He has never given me any details. Always the gentleman." He looked relieved. "But something seems a little off with him. I'm wondering if there's anything I need to know." She pursed her lips and waited, hoping there was something, anything, that would get the attention off her.

Kaladin sighed and looked away. "Shallan, I don't know. I think there's something deeply wrong with me. Since I started courting Adolin, I just keep uncovering more wounds. I feel like there's no part of my life that hasn't been damaged from trying to survive it." He absently pulled the tie out of his hair and ran his fingers through his messy black waves. "You know how you might see something, or feel something, and it pulls you into a terrible memory? One you have a hard time getting out of?"

This should take the heat off me, Shallan thought, her headache momentarily forgotten as she focused on him. "Of course Kaladin. That's why I have personas - so that I don't have to go back there." 

Kaladin nodded. "But how do they work? Not that I want to develop one, but - why do they work?"

Shallan threw her arms behind the backrest of the bench and stretched her legs as she considered. "Well, I think they allow me to feel and think from a different perspective. My personas are able to hold certain memories for me, too, so that obviously helps a lot. But even now that Veil is gone - did I tell you Veil is gone?"

Kaladin looked shocked. I guess I didn't. Huh.

She explained. "Veil and I, we came back together...we integrated...back in Shadesmar. She gave me the dark memories back, but I was able to handle it this time. I've grown and changed, and I'm not the same person I was when it happened. I think that growing into a different person has helped."

Not that different apparently. Shallan ignored her thought and continued. "Before Veil, anything could bring up my worst memory - a certain colour of carpet, holding a chain, seeing spilled wine - I would try to avoid those things if possible but I couldn't avoid them all the time. Veil gave me a fighting chance to get that distance, for it to feel different enough that it didn’t put me back there. Once I was able to feel different enough, I didn't need Veil anymore."

Kaladin considered. "So, avoiding the reminders helped, but when you couldn't do that, your personas helped you to get a different perspective or to feel like things were different now."

She nodded. "And I mean, hugs from Adolin made a big difference, too."

He smiled shyly. "Yeah, they do. He does make me feel different." 

Shallan smiled back and they locked eyes, enjoying each other's enjoyment of Adolin. She elbowed him lightly, since her freehand was still holding her untouched chouta. "Yeah, he’s great." If he's so great, why are you avoiding him?  she thought angrily.

That’s a great question, Pattern agreed. See, you’re curious too! Don’t deny it! 

Shallan stiffened at Pattern’s remark, and her headache returned in full force. She winced.

Kaladin’s mouth turned to a concerned frown again. "You're not seeing him enough, are you?" His words were like a hammer. Storms, he’s persistent. She turned and saw Kaladin's worried face searching her eyes for the truth. "Hold on," he said. He looked closer and squinted. "Did you... Lightweave your face?"

"Kaladin, that's a rude question to ask a lady," she said, trying to look away. But before she could, he grabbed her chin and started poking at her. 

"You did Lightweave your face! Are you hungover?" He demanded, more of an accusation than a question.

"Nooooo!" Shallan whined, slapping his hands away, but the lie was over. She broke the Lightweaving. Kaladin leaned back and whistled, and she stuck out her tongue at him.

"I've just had a few undercover missions lately," she lied. Pattern hummed from her skirt. Storms. "It's true that I haven't seen Adolin quite so often, but it's important business for the Queen." Storms, Highstorms, and Everstorms, what are you doing, Shallan? 

"You know you're supposed to burn off the alcohol in dangerous situations," Kaladin said seriously. "I thought Veil was the drinker." He took the last bite of his food, wiping his hands on his pants, and started to tie his hair up again.

"That's the thing, Veil is part of me now," Shallan said sadly, watching him fiddle with his hair. "Well, she always has been. She is me... Oops, we’d better go," Shallan got up quickly. "Let's get you back to the clinic. Don't want to keep those runny-nosed children waiting."

Storms, I hope he doesn't think about that too closely, she thought. I hope I don't think about that too closely. Maybe it's too late. 

Pattern buzzed, excited. I think it is!

Notes:

Poor Shallan is in over her head! It's a good thing she has Pattern to wear her down into admitting she's got feelings to deal with.

Chapter 12: Privacy

Summary:

Hesina suspects something is up with Kaladin. She is a good mom who respects her son's privacy.

Notes:

No big CWs for this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Hesina

 

No matter how late Kaladin got home, no matter how carefully he opened the door, Hesina always heard him and whispered a prayer of gratitude that he was safe. Tonight it was easy to catch him. It had been a long evening of making vegetable preserves, the first crop from the public garden, and she was finally getting to cleaning. She had been using her safehand to avoid attracting rotspren to a cut on her freehand. She switched when she saw the door open, throwing on her safehand glove. I’ll just be careful, she thought, holding her hand at an angle as she cleared off the table.

"Welcome home, Kaladin," she ventured. He had been coming home late a few times in the last few weeks, and had stubbornly declined to tell her what it was about. It must have something to do with those rumours of him and Highprince Adolin, she thought, but Kaladin refuses to acknowledge them. She had never known Kaladin to be interested in men. Are they on a secret mission together? Is it a cover for something else? Or is it as simple as it seems?

Her current hypothesis was that Highprince Adolin had been covering for his wife, preferring a ridiculous scandalous rumour over a more damaging one. The Kholin Highprince and his wife had already been married for over a year and had not had any children yet. Adolin came to the clinic a few weeks ago and left looking devastated, she mused. Judging by how nice Kaladin smelled when he came home on his late nights, she had guessed that he was spending time with Brightlady Shallan, perhaps doing discreet house calls to address her fertility; however, she had ruled her out by her smell. If the Highprince comes back to the clinic again, I’m going to sniff out the truth like an axehound. Maybe he is the one with the infertility problem...but even so, why would Kaladin need to spend so much time with him? It still didn’t make sense. 

Whatever it was that he did when he was out, he sometimes came home troubled, and sometimes relaxed. Tonight looked like it had been an easy visit. The frown he always seemed to wear didn't reach his eyebrows, and his posture was less tense. In fact, Kaladin had been generally more relaxed and open lately. He was less reactive with Lirin and he had been more creative with Oroden, inventing games with him. The only exception was that he refused any discussion about the Highprince. In some ways, Kaladin could be remarkably subtle, and in other ways he was as obvious as a chull in a kitchen. One would almost think my boy was in love and trying to hide it. She shook her head, smiling. Sometimes the obvious answer is the true one. Of course Lirin’s son would reach higher than his station. And my son would sacrifice a lot, if the one he loved had a good heart. 

"You’re up late,” Kaladin said as he sat at the table. “Is this for me?" He eyed a leftover flatbread on the table, grabbing it and shoving it in his mouth. "Thanks so much, I'm famished."

"Your Highprince didn't feed you?" Hesina asked casually, picking a stray vegetable off the table. 

"No, he did, but -" Kaladin blushed, but cocked his head at her defiantly. "How do you always do that to me?" He smiled ruefully, shaking his head, and took another bite of flatbread. He waved the rest in her direction. "You win this round, but I'll have you know I'm not going to say anything more about it."

I guess my nose is no longer necessary, she thought in triumph. Outwardly, she nodded sagely and lifted her chin. "I win every round. It's very wise of you to not engage further."

Kaladin finished off the food and saw her awkwardly holding the cloth. "What's wrong with your hand?"

"Oh, I just cut it earlier. It'll be fine."

"Let me see." Kaladin got up and inspected it playfully. "Looks like a grade-A boo boo!" he quipped. "I know the cure for that." He kissed her hand gently. "All bettew, mama!” He said in an imitation of Oroden’s voice.  

He patted her hand and smiled, then sighed and looked at the table and floor. "Here, let me finish this for you so you can keep your hand clean. I don’t want to see any rotspren tomorrow."

She sat down, feeling stunned, as Kaladin took up the cleaning. Surgeon games were a big part of Oroden’s play lately, as he grew more aware of what was happening in the clinic, and Hesina and Kaladin were his two favourite playmates. Unfortunately they usually took turns with Oroden, so Hesina often missed seeing how Kaladin and Oroden spent their time. 

Something is different, she thought in amazement. Kaladin, giving boo boo kisses? Kaladin used to console Tien with boo boo kisses when they were children. This was a glimpse of her caring, sensitive little Kal, who she thought she'd lost. Her eyes filled with tears, and she quickly wiped them away, hoping he didn't catch her. 

He didn't. He finished the work, wished her good night, and went to his room. Kaladin pulled a large piece of paper out of his drawer, looked at it fondly, then put it back. Hesina watched him, still feeling confounded, hopeful, and nostalgic. 

The Almighty is testing my honour, she thought, but by all the Heralds I will respect his privacy. Hesina went to her own room and closed the door. 

Heralds send that she could be strong enough. 

Notes:

Hesina is such a wonderful character and she is fun to write. I think she would take it all in stride, and like many moms, she'd be super excited that her son has someone who is making him feel happier or at least more at ease (it can be hard to tell with depression mixed in there!). Also I think she's done a better job than Lirin at having an emotional boundary between herself and Kaladin, so that she can watch his ups and downs without getting caught up in them. Can you tell I like her? :)

Chapter 13: Taking Control

Summary:

Like a sex educator, Syl encourages Kaladin to experiment with his body.

Notes:

CW: PTSD symptoms of past sexual assault, Syl talking to Kaladin about sex ed.

(This had been one chapter but it got way too large and now it's four chapters. Thematically they really belong together so I'll post as much as I can of it today)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

Shallan's drawing became less terrifying and more sentimental every time he looked at it. It still felt incredibly embarrassing to own it, but there was something almost romantic about knowing that Adolin had the other copy, and it made him want to keep it. Kaladin reverently placed it back in his drawer, closed his door, changed into his underclothes, and sat down on his bed. He had seen Adolin again tonight, and he already missed him. They had laid together on Adolin's bed, kissing and touching each other over their clothes, gazing into each other’s eyes, breathing each other’s breath. Kaladin laid back and sighed. Adolin's lips were perfect for kissing, firm and soft, wet and dry, full and reserved, all that mixed sensation culminating in a bizarre desire to lay bare his body for him. It felt intoxicating and terrifying. It reminded him of a time Rock had joked that Kaladin should jump off a cliff to test whether he could fly with Radiant powers. It felt just as dangerous.

"How does Adolin know what to do to me?" he asked Syl. "It feels like he knows me better than I know myself." 

Syl flew in as a leaf and then took her blue, human-like shape, wearing a stylish ankle length havah and no safehand sleeve. She sat on Kaladin’s dresser, kneeling with her hips on her heels, hands primly resting in her lap. "Well, he has been studying you," she said. "I've been watching him more closely since the incident in his changing room. I saw when he kissed your neck the first time, and you responded well, so he's done it every opportunity he's gotten. He does that with a lot of things."

"But he -" Kaladin started. He put a finger up. "But I remember -" He looked at Syl in amazement. "That storming man! He's been duelling me this whole time! How can he have learned so much, and I've learned so little? No wonder people say he’s the best duellist in Roshar. Maybe it’s more worthwhile than I thought. I have to pay more attention..."

Syl leaned forward. "There is a way you can get ahead of him..." she said with a cheeky smile. 

Kaladin tilted his head skeptically and raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't like the look on your face. What are you talking about?"

"Well, I've been around a lot of barracks, and I know what soldiers do under their sheets at night. They learn what feels good and what doesn't. You can do it too, Kal. That might give you the edge you need for your next duel” - she drew out the word so it sounded like duuuuueeeeeel - “with Adolin." She batted her eyelashes. 

Kaladin looked away, aghast. " Syl !" he groaned, rolling away from her and then back again. Talking about sexuality with Syl was always overwhelmingly weird for him, but she was always trying to help, and recently they’d had a talk about how he always seemed to shoot down her ideas. He was trying to be more open, so to calm his embarrassment he covered his eyes with both hands. “You might be right, but..."

"But what, Kaladin! You're always making things more difficult for yourself. Just find what feels good!"  

"Stop being so pushy, Syl. It's not that easy. Let me think. What do I know about myself already?" Kaladin asked himself. He brought his hands down and sat up.

He thought. "Shallan had said that it can help to avoid what feels bad. It seems obvious now, but one thing I’ve learned is that I can't let Adolin undress me. I get uncomfortable when he looks at me like he wants to devour me, but it's not necessarily a bad kind of uncomfortable. I don't like it when he gets on top of me or pushes me against a wall. And I...I can't let him touch my penis." He felt pained, conflicted, even as he said it. "Even though a part of me really wants him to."

"Just say cock, Kaladin, this isn't a surgery clinic," Syl teased. Kaladin rolled his eyes, then looked at her suspiciously. "Hey, you said you were giving me privacy."

"I was just popping in to see if you were ok," she sniffed. "As it turns out, it was a good thing I was nearby." Still, she looked a little guilty. "So, you want him to touch your cock and you can't let him," she encouraged.

"Yeah." Kaladin got under his covers and stared at the ceiling, feeling hopeless. 

You can't always avoid bringing up the memories , he thought, remembering Shallan's words of wisdom. When you can't do that, get a different perspective or find a way to feel different about it. To grow. 

Adolin's hug helps me feel different.

"Ok Syl," Kaladin conceded, "I'll try it. I'll try to touch myself and figure out what feels good, and if - when - it feels bad I'll try to get a different perspective, or feel different. But if I vanish, come back and watch over me, ok?" He felt shaky, uncertain. Weak.  

"I swear," Syl said seriously. She flew over and patted his chest. "I won't be here, but I won’t be far." She flew out of the room.

He laid there for a moment, feeling distressed and lonely. I don't even know where to start , he thought uncomfortably. Strength before weakness, he reminded himself.

Where would Adolin start?

Adolin would start by stepping in close to him and wrapping his arms around Kaladin's waist. They would kiss, tentatively at first, and then Adolin would deepen it, softening his lips more and slipping his tongue against Kaladin's. Maybe nibbling his lip.

Yes, that's a good start , Kaladin thought, smiling in the dark. He moved his hands, slowly rubbing up and down his chest, running his fingers over his nipples. Curious, he squeezed a nipple and it didn't feel pleasure or discomfort. He squeezed harder. Ouch, why would people do that? Ok, so not that...

He was enjoying the broad strokes of touch he was giving himself, so he expanded from his chest, moving down across his abs, his fingers tracing their outlines, imagining that Adolin was doing it. He pulled down his underwear, then ran his hands up his legs, lifting his knees a little. He felt up and down the inside of his thighs, then the outside. He rounded his gluteals. This is good. I think I like my...ass...being touched. When Adolin grabbed me there in the hot tub it felt really good . He rolled onto his side and ran his fingertips across his cheeks, enjoying the fluttering sensation that travelled around his hips to his lower abdomen. I wonder...

He traced a finger along the crack of his ass, feeling the skin tingling. Following his curiosity, he deepened it, sliding between his cheeks, starting to create a rhythm between his hand and his hips, occasionally sweeping his palm across his cheeks, grasping them. His ass felt a desire for more. He traced a finger up his ass crack and along his coccyx to his sacrum, lighting an electric sensation up his spine. What was that? That was great. Suddenly he felt a sensation in his penis - a pulsing warmth. 

It startled him. 

I haven't felt that since... 

He grimaced in disgust and stopped touching himself. He felt contaminated. I need to feel different before I lose myself, he thought with a rising nausea and panic. He got up, got dressed, and washed his hands, splashing cold water on his face and neck for good measure. He went to the main room and made a cup of tea, and soon he was sitting at the table with a hot cup between his hands, watching the steam rise slowly. It was lit from behind by a nearby bowl of sapphire chips, casting the steam in a dim, blue glow. It reminded him of Nomon, and the thought soothed him. He idly thought of going out flying, but decided against it. 

Ok, feeling different. I’m a different man now. I’m living at Urithiru. I’m courting Adolin Kholin. He tried to think of something else completely to take his mind off that memory. He held his tea in his hands and took a sip, focusing on the warmth. He remembered back to his conversation with Shallan yesterday. He had been so busy he had forgotten about it until just now. She had been evasive about getting enough time with Adolin. And doing undercover missions for the Queen? That stinks like the bottom of a chasm. What's going on with her? 

Kaladin considered, sipping his tea. Veil is gone . He shook his head, incredulous. Maybe Shallan feels lonely. Can you miss someone that’s a part of you? He took another sip of tea and thought some more, his guilt rising as he considered Shallan’s position. Veil was the one that handled Shallan’s dark memories, so she must be stressed, and she relies on Adolin for support. I’m taking Adolin’s time away from her. Not just her time, I’m using her space, too. Storms, I was kissing Adolin in the bed he shares with her, he thought, his guilt coiling around him. It must feel strange to her, to know that I’ve been there. If it’s bothering her, why doesn’t she tell one of us? 

Kaladin rolled his eyes at himself this time, lifting a palm to the Stormfather in a dismissive gesture. Ok, so she’s probably been avoiding Adolin. She is avoiding the fact that she feels bad about us in some way. His stomach churned at the thought that she might call it off. His body felt heavy all of a sudden, and he could feel a bit of darkness start to creep in from the edges. This was hopeless from the start. At the same time, he was dedicated to putting Adolin and Shallan’s relationship first. He frowned grimly. I have to deal with this before it harms anyone. 

He considered. I’ve already asked Shallan directly, and she refused to talk to me about it. Since I don’t have any conclusive information, and this is about her relationship with Adolin, I guess I will talk to Adolin, and go with what he decides. 

Kaladin yawned. It was very late. Untangling this problem did help me feel different, he thought sadly. He hoped he’d be able to avoid the nightmares tonight. 

Notes:

Syl's natural curiosity, and her deep concern for Kaladin, might get her a bit too involved in his love life at first, until she learns that privacy is a better policy.

Kal gets triggered by sensation in certain areas so he does some grounding to bring himself back to the present and it helps!

Shallan is a real mix of helpful and unhelpful in Kaladin's life right now. ;)

Chapter 14: Losing Control

Summary:

Kaladin confronts Adolin about Shallan's lie.

Notes:

CW: Lies make for bad poly negotiation.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

All Kaladin could think about the next day was his anxiety about Shallan, and needing to talk to Adolin about it. He didn’t want to wait until their next date. Once his shift at the clinic was done, he went to Adolin and Shallan’s rooms, and once he saw the guards, he knew at least one of them was there. 

Kaladin was greeted by Adolin’s voice, and he found him at the couch with one of Jasnah’s scribes. She was poring over papers sprawled across a low table, and her reading was cut short by Kaladin’s entrance. Adolin stood and smiled, welcoming Kaladin with a hug. It felt improper in front of someone else, but Adolin didn’t seem to care as much about propriety anymore. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked warmly. 

“Well, I don’t want to interrupt you,” Kaladin said, pulling out of the hug and nodding towards the scribe. 

“This is Perrel, one of Queen Jasnah’s most trusted scribes,” Adolin gestured to her in an introduction. Oh perfect, someone to report my personal life to the Queen, Kaladin thought, irritated. Adolin continued. “And this is -”

“Kaladin Stormblessed, it’s an honour to meet you.” She stood and curtsied low, ducking her head as she blushed. She quickly started gathering her papers. “Please don’t worry about me. Highprince Kholin, can we meet again in a few days to finish up?”

“Yes, two days, and you bring the wine this time,” Adolin smiled, clearing away their cups. “Then you’ll be off to the royal accounts again and I’ll only ever see you in passing. Good luck with your husband’s foot, by the way.” He turned to Kaladin. “Actually, Kaladin, do you know anything about gout?”

I know it primarily affects lazy lighteyes who overstuff themselves. Kaladin tried to keep his impatience from showing. “You’d be more than welcome to bring your husband to our clinic if he needs help, Brightness,” he said politely to the scribe, inclining his head slightly.

Her eyes lit up. “Why, thank you Highmarshal! I mean, Surgeon. Surgeon Stormblessed,” she smiled broadly and took her leave.

“I can thank you twice, Surgeon,” Adolin said, wrapping his hands around Kaladin’s waist and pulling himself closer. "You just bought me some points with a very important scribe, and you freed up a couple hours for me tonight." He tried to give Kaladin two kisses, but he turned his head away from Adolin’s lips, and pulled out of the embrace. 

Adolin looked hurt, but stepped away. “Is something wrong, Kaladin?”

Kaladin nodded brusquely. It was hard to watch Adolin’s face fall. Kaladin felt incredibly tense and anxious, but he knew that Adolin needed to know. 

Adolin gestured him to the couch, and Kaladin sat down with a leg under him, facing Adolin at knee’s distance. Adolin leaned with one arm draping over the back of the couch, his other hand on Kaladin’s leg. “What’s going on?” he asked, concerned. 

“I was having lunch with Shallan the other day,” Kaladin said, “and she told me that she doesn’t get to spend enough time with you because she is going on secret missions for the Queen. Missions that end with her getting hungover.” 

Adolin started, and Kaladin knew she had lied to one or both of them. Damnation take the woman, he thought, his anger rising. 

“I...she told me that she’s been spending her time on research with Mother,” Adolin replied slowly. “And Radiant had plans to make sure Shallan wasn’t drinking too much.” They stared at each other, anxietyspren emerging, twisting around them. 

“She can’t be telling the truth about all of these things, can she?” Kaladin asked warily.

“No, I don’t think so,” Adolin said, his posture slowly deflating. “She said the calculations were quite complex. She’s supposed to be there right now. I hardly see her at all anymore, actually, unless we’re having dinner with family.” 

Kaladin sat up straight. “She’s out even when I’m not here?” He considered. “Do you think she’s feeling bad about this in some way? Has she changed her mind about this arrangement and she’s avoiding you because she doesn’t want to tell you?”

Adolin looked to the door, running his hands through his hair. “Storms, I don’t know.” He looked back at Kaladin. “I should know. I should have been talking to her about this the whole time. We had planned that if I was having problems I could talk to her, but I don’t think either of us thought that her feelings might change...oh, Vev , what a mistake.” He brushed his hand over his face.

Kaladin sighed inwardly. Adolin should have been talking to her this whole time. Kaladin had assumed they would, and that they would tell him if anything changed. They’ll never hurt you, he remembered Syl saying. He clenched his jaw. 

“We don’t know which story is true.” If any. He squeezed in closer and started to rub Adolin’s arm. “Perhaps she’s been training her Radiants. Maybe she’s been taking midnight horseback riding lessons to surprise you…” 

“Maybe she’s courting someone else,” Adolin moaned into his hands. “Kelek’s breath, I’ve failed her. I have no idea what’s going on. I feel so guilty.”

“Me too,” Kaladin agreed. The knot in his intestines tightened. “I wish I had thought of it earlier. But the most important step is the next one, right? So what do you want to do next?”

Adolin frowned at the saying, but considered. “Whatever reason she has for lying, I know there is always a reason. Often an important one. She’s probably lying to cover up something she doesn’t want to deal with. But like you said, we can’t know what.” 

Adolin got up and started pacing the room. “Knowing Shallan, she will not respond well to accusations. She uses her personas to get a sense of control, so without Veil it’s doubly important that she is in charge of when and how she feels.” He duels with her, too, Kaladin realized.

Adolin picked up a bottle of violet, waving a cup at Kaladin, who pinched his fingers. Adolin poured one full glass and one quarter glass, handing the second to Kaladin, and sat down again. “I’ll have to tell that I know she’s lying, but in a way that doesn’t pressure her to talk.” He looked into his cup, swirling it absently. “It could be days, weeks, even months before I know what’s going on. The key with her seems to be patience.”  

Kaladin nodded. Storms, Adolin looks so sad. It must be difficult to have to support her all the time. 

“She...I don’t know if she told you this, but she had hidden some pretty serious things from me from the day we met, until we were in Shadesmar.” Adolin grimaced and took a swig of his wine. 

Kaladin’s anger flared again. How dare she betray Adolin’s trust. “Adolin, that’s...terrible. How have I never heard of this before now?” He took a sip of the wine. It was delicious on his tongue, but much too strong for his stomach. He put it down again.

Adolin regarded him with sad, soft eyes. “I don’t want you to think less of her. Like I said, there were important reasons why she hid things from me. It’s...understandable. It’s just hard.”

Kaladin nodded and relaxed, accepting Adolin’s perspective. It’s still not right that she lied, but it’s between him and her, not me. Adolin is right that she’s had good reasons for holding back information. Kaladin leaned in and enveloped Adolin in a hug. 

“So. We wait?” Kaladin asked softly, his head leaning into Adolin’s.

“We wait.”

Kaladin braced himself. “And...until then?”

“Let’s keep seeing each other, I suppose. Like you said, we don’t have any information to go on. But maybe let’s assume she doesn’t want us to be courting, and keep it friendly, just in case.” 

Kaladin let out a breath. That’s the honourable thing to do, he thought, feeling sadness squeeze his heart . He let go and looked in Adolin’s eyes, seeing a hardened, determined look. Kaladin nodded and grabbed Adolin’s arm. “Hey, do you want to go midnight horseback riding?”

Adolin guffawed. “I must be in a sorry state if you’re offering that,” he laughed, wiping the corner of his eye.

Kaladin smiled encouragingly. “Well you don’t look so sorry now so I guess I rescind my offer. Besides, there’s hours until midnight. How about we go down to the training yard and you show me that advanced sword kata you keep talking about?”

Adolin nodded and finished his glass. “I’d be delighted.” 

Notes:

Ooooo Shallan was not intending on harming these boys and yet... and yet... luckily they do the right thing even though it hurts. That's what makes them so good.

Chapter 15: Finding Control

Summary:

Kaladin tells Adolin how he got his shash brand.

Notes:

CW: story of past sexual assault

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

The next day, a messenger came to the clinic, asking Kaladin to attend Adolin’s rooms that night. Kaladin agreed, avoiding his mother’s curious gaze. That had been his second messenger for the day. 

That evening, he presented himself to Adolin in his new brown pants and black shirt. He still couldn’t bring himself to wear the jacket. 

“Kal, you’re wearing the shirt! Did you do that for me?” he beamed.

“Of course I wore it for you. There’s no one else I could bear to wear it in front of,” Kaladin smiled, half joking. The door closed, and he pulled Adolin into a tight hug. Adolin’s touch feels extra good through this fabric, he thought. I have to take every chance I get to feel good before it’s taken from me. 

“I talked to Shallan,” Adolin confirmed into Kaladin’s shoulder. “Nothing bad,” he smiled and pulled out of the hug, grabbing Kaladin’s hands in his. “Like we talked about, I just told her that I know that I don’t know where she goes or what she does. I didn’t pressure her. She confirmed that she wants for our relationship to continue, and for our relationship to continue. She apologized for scaring me, and promised to spend more time with me. It was a good conversation. Actually, she told me more than I was expecting.” He looked longingly into the distance. “She hasn’t changed completely overnight, but she’s still giving me a lot more than she used to. I can accept that progress.” He smiled, hope shining in his eyes. 

He turned his hopeful eyes to Kaladin. “So you can imagine that I was excited to let you know that, and I’m hoping we can continue where we left off.” He grabbed Kaladin’s hands. “Knowing all that, where do you stand? Do you need time to think about it?”

Shallan had sent Beryl with a message to reassure him that she was okay, she still approved, and she would tell him the truth, and soon. Even so, Syl had only narrowly convinced him to go tonight. After a long discussion about trusting her instincts, he had built up his conviction by looking at Shallan’s drawing, and then putting on the clothes Adolin liked. He frowned. I must have eyes of red and blue to keep coming back.  

Nevertheless, meeting Adolin’s shining eyes, Kaladin’s frown melted. “She sent me a message today. It was reassuring. Plus, I trust you too. If you think it’s ok, then I have some exciting developments for you.” 

Adolin smushed his fists against his cheeks, his eyes sparkling. 

“Ok, maybe not that exciting,” Kaladin qualified. “But there’s something important I want to tell you, and then I’m hoping that will translate into actually being able to…you know.” His face reddened. Almighty, I hope this works. He gestured Adolin to the couch.

“That sounds pretty exciting to me. What’s the plan?” Adolin asked, following eagerly. 

“Well, the trouble is that we keep accidentally coming across things that bring up bad memories, and I react because I wasn’t ready for them,” Kaladin said. “So I’ve been...experimenting...on my own. I figure out what provokes bad memories, and then deal with them before they get overwhelming.”

“You sound like a woman,” Adolin laughed. “ Experimenting. I should tell Aunt Navani. Mother, I mean.”

“You’d better not!” Kaladin blushed. “Not with my safehand out.” He winked salaciously, flopping his left hand around. 

Adolin feigned surprise, fanning his face. “Oh my!” he tittered. “You know I can’t resist a naked safehand!”

Kaladin smiled as Adolin giggled, showering Kaladin’s ‘safehand’ with kisses. It felt surprisingly good to be given attention that way. I should add that to my list.  

“Ok,” Adolin said finally, “You have to tell me what happened with these experiments.”

Kaladin grew serious. Ok, you can do this. Cauterize the wound before it bleeds out. “There’s a reason I’ve been avoiding touching your penis or having my penis touched.”

Adolin settled down. “Tell me.”

Kaladin reached an arm around Adolin. “I’ll tell you if you hug me.” Adolin obliged, sliding Kaladin into his lap again, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Actually, no, you sit in my lap this time. It’ll help make up the height difference.” Adolin laughed, and they rearranged themselves. 

“Mmmm, ok.” Kaladin felt a little better, a little different already, wearing his uncomfortably comfortable shirt, holding Adolin around the waist. He bit his lip. Even with Shallan’s advice, this is still difficult. It would probably be impossible without it. Despite her confusing behaviour, she was still one of the best friends he’d ever had. Without her help, all this would be impossible. He thought to burn a glyphward later in thanks for her friendship, and in hope that everything will turn out okay. 

“This is the story of how I got my shash brand. The full story.” Adolin seemed to sense his tension, and started running his fingers through Kaladin’s hair. He took a breath. Strength before weakness. “I was a house slave for a few lighteyed slavemasters in Sadeas province. I had been beaten, yelled at, and blamed before, but this new slavemaster was something I had never seen before. He was quiet. I could hardly hear his footsteps as he moved around the house. He would almost totally ignore me during the day, but at night…” he shivered. “He would send someone to get me at night. I was sent to the back of the house by the last light of Salas and stripped, backed against a wall, and left alone. The slavemaster would come around just as Salas started to set. He had a ritual where he placed broams at my feet and then watched me shiver. Then he would…” Kaladin faltered, “take...me...into his mouth until I had an orgasm.” He looked down. “I didn’t want to, but I did anyway.” Shamespren fell around him. “He was always gone before Nomon rose,” he finished in a whisper. 

Adolin’s body tensed but he said nothing. He continued carding Kaladin’s hair without missing a beat. Kaladin pulled himself out of the memory and just focused on the soothing sensation on his head. The silky shirt. The hum of Urithiru’s ventilation. He realized his eyes were closed, and opened them, meeting Adolin’s caring eyes for a moment before looking away again in shame.

“Anyway, that went on for a few weeks. During the day, it was like it had all been a bad dream. Because he left me alone during the day, I had freedom to find weapons and plan an escape with about 20 other slaves. We tried to run, but we were caught, and everyone but me was killed.” Goshel...I can’t remember the others… “Instead of being killed with the rest, I watched them die, and then I was branded with shash  and sold again. The slavemaster said he couldn’t kill me because I was ‘intriguing’. Adolin, I’m only alive because some pervert lighteyes liked my penis,” Kaladin said bitterly. 

They sat in silence for a bit, Adolin running his hands through Kaladin’s hair, Kaladin feeling sick and trying to fight the thoughts. He’s going to be disgusted with you. He’s going to hate what you really are.  

Strength before weakness.

Kaladin forced himself to look up at Adolin again. He was staring off into the distance with a frown. Adolin glanced over and smiled briefly, only for it to fade again. He squeezed Kaladin around the shoulders. “That’s horrifying. That slavemaster belongs in Damnation. No wonder you don’t tell many people about it. It must be hard to think about, let alone talk about.”

Kaladin regarded him seriously. “This is the first time I’ve ever said it out loud, actually. Still want to carry that bridge with me?”

Adolin smiled. “Absolutely.”

They sat thoughtfully for a while, Adolin combing his fingers through Kaladin’s hair, Kaladin rubbing Adolin’s lower back. Kaladin’s body settled down again, the nausea fading, as he felt the pressure of Adolin’s body against his. 

Eventually Kaladin spoke. “I was hoping that if I told the story first, then the touching would go better. I didn’t consider the impact of the story. It’s a bit of a rough transition.” 

Adolin nuzzled Kaladin’s neck gently, giving him a small kiss. “What do you need?”

Kaladin looked inward. Adolin hadn’t rejected him . He hadn’t accused him of being ruined. He hadn’t even wavered. He held, cared, listened, loved. Kaladin gazed deeply into Adolin’s eyes and found acceptance there. Instinctively, Kaladin kissed Adolin on the lips, and felt a warmth that started at his lips but spread into him, through him, filling him up so completely that the memory had no space left in his body. He felt like he was being inflated with a delicious warmth. In a moment, the nausea and disgust had faded until it felt like all that was left was the story. The warmth pulsed inside him. My body is mine, he realized suddenly. I am whole. My pleasure is mine. He has no power anymore. I define what my erections and orgasms mean. The thoughts struck him as profound truths that, now, he knew down to the core of his being . Kaladin felt like a huge weight had suddenly lifted. He felt free. He pulled out of the kiss and looked at Adolin in awe.  

“How did you do that?”

“Do what?” Apparently Adolin was unaware that he had somehow given Kaladin exactly what he’d needed. “Was that part of your experiment? What do you want to do next?”

Kaladin felt alive, eager, with a new budding feeling that things would be okay. “Yes, there's another part! Ok, let’s go to the bedroom - no - your dressing room. I’ll show you.” He grabbed Adolin’s hand and pulled him up. That...was incredible. He looked around and saw that the spheres lighting the room had dimmed. He didn’t recall using Stormlight. He shook his head, too excited to follow that train of thought. Now that I’ve told him my story, Adolin will understand better when I give him directions. I feel...powerful. I actually feel excited! A stab of anxiety hit him in the stomach. I don’t know what Shallan’s secret is, but if she does change her mind, this might be my last time with him. I want it to count.

Notes:

Boy oh boy do I wish that everyone could be healed of traumatic memories so easily! Please do keep in mind that this is a fantasy story and do not compare your struggles to this. This is magical escapism.

Chapter 16: Giving Control

Summary:

Kaladin and Adolin finally get off on each other.

Notes:

CW: oral sex, masturbation

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Kaladin was excitedly pulling him into his dressing room. Is this happening? He felt tired. Kaladin’s story had been heavy, and had disquieting implications that were beginning to weigh on his soul. But seeing Kaladin’s face - the way it was lighting up, the way he looked alive - reinvigorated him. They left behind the couch, and the story, and entered a brand new space, made for transformation and play. 

Kaladin drew him in, holding his shoulders, and had him stand beside the lounge. “Allow me please,” he smiled, and took off his own shirt in a smooth motion. He gestured to Adolin’s shirt. “May I?” 

Adolin smiled and nodded. He lifted his arms, and Kaladin removed his shirt, running his cool hands along Adolin’s warm sides as he did so. Adolin shivered pleasantly. 

Kaladin stepped back and took off his own pants and underwear, watching Adolin watch him as he revealed his nakedness. He folded their clothes carefully and placed them on the floor. He walked back up to Adolin, so much more confidently than just a few days ago, and stood close enough for him to feel the warmth of his naked body, his breath. Adolin smiled and undid his belt, then allowed Kaladin to remove the rest himself, bending down. Adolin stepped out of one leg, then another, feeling the increased intensity that came from nakedness, the shock of cool air, the intimacy of being fully seen. 

Kaladin stood back up, taking Adolin by his shoulders again. “Ok, here is what I’ve found out,” he said. “I like when you touch my chest, and abs, and back, and neck, and probably legs too. And my hand, I guess? I would really like you to touch my ass more. I really enjoy it when you grab my hips. I’m still a little wary about my, uh, cock, so please don’t touch it unless I ask you to. And I don’t really like my nipples being pinched.”

“Yes, sir!” Adolin said, giving a crisp salute. “I happen to have a special interest in your ass, sir. I think this could work out well.” He was getting more excited with every word that passed Kaladin’s beautiful lips.

Kaladin gazed at Adolin’s body with a hunger he hadn’t seen before. “Is there anything I should know about you?” Kaladin asked. He ran his fingers across Adolin’s chest, down his upper arms and back up again, then around his neck, caressing and massaging his shoulder muscles. 

Adolin smiled. “Well, I love to be touched. I hope you want to touch my cock. I actually did hurt my knee a bit doing that manoeuver in sword training a couple weeks ago, and it’s almost healed but it still twinges a bit. As long as I’m not standing and lifting you though, I should be fine. I’ll let you know if I think of anything else.” 

Kaladin pulled closer, wrapping his arms around Adolin’s shoulders, and pressing his soft cock against Adolin’s quickly hardening one. Their lips touched, immediately passionate, wet, and yielding, sending a shock of energy to Adolin’s centre. He was incredibly turned on, his senses alive, but he maintained a respectful awareness of his body’s position in relation to Kaladin’s cock, allowing him to control the touch. 

Lips and tongues still in rhythm, Kaladin turned Adolin’s body and moved him until he fell back on the lounge. What's he going to do? Adolin thought curiously. He sat up slightly on his elbows, watching through half-lidded eyes as Kaladin bent down in front of him. He knelt on the floor, rubbing Adolin’s thighs and eyeing his cock and balls with a hungry gaze, as if looking for a starting point to strike. Yes!

Adolin was about to give him direction when Kaladin pounced, grabbing the base of his shaft with his right hand and cupping his balls in the other. Holding the base of his cock firmly, Kaladin planted kisses along the rest of the shaft, leaving trails of fire. When he reached the tip, Kaladin’s kiss turned deep and wet, wrapping his lips around the head and licking a circle. 

Adolin moaned. He laid down fully, arching his back. Kaladin swallowed his dick, taking it in deeply, then released it from his mouth again, using his saliva as lubricant for his hand, starting to pump it slowly. He used his other hand to encourage Adolin to spread his legs further, and his head dipped down. Adolin gasped as Kaladin's hot, wet tongue slid against the skin between his asshole and his balls, licking upwards. Then Kaladin took Adolin's balls into his mouth, and a wave of pleasure spread through Adolin's core. I knew he was talented with the spear, but this is unfair . How does he know exactly what to do? he thought.

"Oooooh…" was all he managed to say.

"I'll take that to mean you like it," Kaladin said in a husky voice, lifting his head. Their eyes met and Kaladin smiled. His face was wet from the nose down, his hair totally fallen out of its tie, some of it sticking to his face. His eyes were lit up with desire, making Adolin swell even harder. 

Adolin lifted his feet up onto the lounge, spreading his legs further and revealing his asshole. He looked at the ceiling, feeling a mixture of embarrassment and desire. The embarrassment was soon forgotten as Kaladin swallowed him again and coated him with wetness. His lips slid up and down, tight and wet and hungry. He released him from his mouth again and resumed his expert grip, twisting slightly. The change in sensation made Adolin moan again.

"I… Kaladin, I…" Adolin panted, feeling the heat building deep inside. He was sweating, grasping at the edge of the furniture. I’ve waited so long for this, I have to make this last. Despite Shallan’s reassurances, he couldn’t help but worry. What if this is our last time together? 

Speeding up his tempo on Adolin's cock, Kaladin dived down again, biting Adolin's ass cheeks, then licking around his asshole. This is so...storming...good...

"Oh, Kelek, oh Stormfather, Kaladin!" Adolin exclaimed, losing control over his mouth. 

The rhythm of Kaladin's hand slowed down. Adolin felt like he had melted into the lounge. He was writhing with intensity, his hips grinding blindly into Kaladin’s face. Kaladin’s tongue was licking lightly, then pressing against his asshole. Again, he licked that secret place between his asshole and balls. Suddenly, Kaladin’s lips were on his cock again. The pressure of his pleasure was building quickly. Kaladin licked the full length from hilt to tip, then swallowed him deeply. Adolin tried to turn his mind away from how good it felt, but couldn’t. Kaladin placed a finger against his asshole as his wet mouth enveloped him again and Adolin came hard, crying out, grabbing the sides of Kaladin's head as he shook through his spasms. He could feel Kaladin's throat move as he swallowed. Adolin fell back, regretfully spent.

"Oh, Storms Kal. That was incredible," he panted, his skin still glowing with sweat. He could feel his heartbeat in his toes and fingers, the pounding beat starting to slow. "All the Heralds, better than life, living better, heralding all." He shook his head to get his mind back. 

"Was that a ketek?" Kaladin laughed, leaning back to stand up. 

"I don't know," Adolin said, "but what just happened here was storming holy ."

"My intention was not to turn you into an ardent." Kaladin smiled as he looked down at Adolin on the bed, holding his own erect cock, stroking it slowly. 

"What do you want to do, bridgeboy?" Adolin pulled himself out of his post-orgasmic reverie and focused on Kaladin. "Can I return the favour? I don't know if I can do what you did, but…"

"No, I have another idea. I don't know if you can understand this, but seeing a storming Highprince splayed out in front of me like this, it’s incredibly hot. I want to...I want to come on you. I want to claim my victory." Kaladin's grip on his cock tightened slightly. His eyes were dark, smouldering.

Adolin flushed. He's been planning this… He's been wanting this… and he's knocked my feet out from under me. He smiled wickedly. "I submit, Knight Radiant. Claim your victory." 

The look on Kaladin's face intensified, if that was possible. Adolin left his arms above his head where he had been grasping at the edge of the lounge, and allowed his legs to relax to the sides, leaving him open and vulnerable. Kaladin breathed in sharply, drawing Stormlight from somewhere in his pile of clothes, and floated up and forward, hovering over Adolin's body. With one hand he continued stroking himself, and with the other he ran his fingertips across Adolin's abs, his chest. Adolin arched his back slightly, reaching towards the touch with his body, but not moving his hands. 

Adolin was transfixed. Kaladin’s eyes glowed with Stormlight, his knees straddling Adolin’s hips but floating just off the bed. His pace was becoming frantic, his breathing heavy, his face reddening. He’s let go completely. This is pure desire. I don’t know if he even knows he’s using Stormlight. By the Heralds, a Radiant from the ancient stories is about to come on me. It’s practically a blessing… he closed his eyes, still basking in his own afterglow, feeling Kaladin’s gentle touch against his skin. 

He heard Kaladin’s breathing change, and felt him drop down with about half his weight onto Adolin’s body. Adolin opened his eyes again. The Windrunner straddled his hips, his cock aimed down, his hand twisting expertly around it. His other hand rested on Adolin’s chest, supporting his weight. He was breathing heavily, his Stormlight escaping quickly. Adolin looked up and met his wild eyes.

Kaladin grunted as he came, staring into Adolin, his lips parted, his face sweaty, his body trembling. Adolin could feel Kaladin’s hot come land on his abs and chest. The last of Kaladin’s Stormlight left his body and he dropped the rest of the way onto Adolin’s hips and chest.

“Huh!” Adolin grunted as Kaladin’s weight fell on him. “Storms, man, I’m already defeated! Mercy!” he joked.

Kaladin dropped his head down and sat for a breath. Stormlight wafted gently off the come on Adolin’s belly and chest, dimly lighting Kaladin’s face from underneath. His breathing slowed. Then he carefully stepped back off of Adolin and stood, looking away, his messy hair covering his face. 

"Where can I find water and a cloth?" Kaladin asked, his voice small. 

Adolin told him, then rested his arms underneath his head to wait. After a couple of minutes, Adolin got up and went to find him. It shouldn’t have taken more than a minute to get what he needed, and he was starting to worry. 

Sure enough, Kaladin was sitting with his back against the wall, a damp towel in one hand and a dry one in the other, staring into the distance. He got up quickly when he saw Adolin, however, as though Kaladin was a new recruit that had been caught lounging.

“I’m so sorry!” Kaladin said. He looked panicked. Oh, poor bridgeboy, Adolin sighed inwardly. You couldn’t enjoy your afterglow.

“Here,” Adolin said kindly, grabbing the wet towel. He started wiping himself off with one hand and guided him back to the dressing room with the other. 

He sat Kal down. “What happened?” he asked as he switched towels to dry himself off. 

“I...uh, well…” Kaladin looked at his hands, then up at Adolin through his messy hair. “I feel pretty embarrassed. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“Why not?” Adolin asked. “It was really hot. I’ll be thinking about that look in your eyes later.” He grinned rakishly.

Kaladin chuckled. “Well I feel better knowing you enjoyed it.” He sighed and his face grew serious. “It’s...It’s hard to describe what it’s like to have sex with a lighteyes, after everything I’ve been through. It felt powerful, but it was also, I don’t know, what I did almost felt like revenge, and I’m not sure I’m ok with that, even if it was just for fun. Are you sure you were ok with that?” He touched Adolin’s thigh and looked deep into his eyes, his concern evident. 

Oh, Kaladin, Adolin sighed inwardly, the things I would give for you to just be able to have fun without all these complications. It had been hot. He would be thinking about it for days. Maybe years. 

“Yeah, it was great for me,” Adolin said. He threw his arm around Kaladin’s shoulder. “Especially after you took me down like that. That was something special. You are a talent with the spear, did you know that?” he winked.

Kaladin blushed and leaned into Adolin.  

“I loved holding your spear,” he murmured into Adolin’s ear. “Yeah...something about it just felt right.” 

Adolin beamed.

Notes:

Don't worry Kaladin, it was hot.

Chapter 17: Coming to the Truth

Summary:

Shallan comes to a realization about Kaladin.

Notes:

CW porn, masturbation

Yes Pattern is there, no he is not supposed to be looking. They have a deal.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

She had promised Kaladin and Adolin that she would tell them the truth, but two days later she still didn't know, and still wasn’t inclined to find out. Earlier when she was having lunch with Kaladin, he had asked about her secret. Instead of making up another lie, she had just said she wasn’t ready but would tell him soon. That was a step forward at least, but he deserved better.

Now it was late in the evening. Shallan was on the couch, her sketchbook out, but her heart wasn’t in it. Since Adolin had confronted her she had stopped going out drinking, but she still felt ashamed, and more and more stressed. There was lots to do to trace the Ghostbloods, but most of it was being handled by other Lightweavers. She was organizing, not on any active missions. How is it that I feel so overwhelmed when I’m doing so much delegating?

Doing sketches for people helped her cope, but she knew deep down that she should be facing the truth instead of running from her feelings. I should be getting connected to Adolin. He was good at helping her figure things out. Tonight, he had said he was exhausted from meetings all day and went to bed early, so she was alone except for the guards outside the main door. Come to think of it, he went to bed early last night, too. They hadn’t actually managed to spend much time together yet. 

She got up and poured herself a glass of violet. “What should I do tonight, Pattern?” she asked out loud, since no one else was around. 

“You could try summoning Testament -”

“No, not tonight.” The last thing I need right now is a flashback. 

“You didn’t mate with Adolin tonight. You could wake him up and try making an heir...”

A stab twisted her guts. “No, he looked pretty beaten down. I don’t want to wake him.” He’s seemed a bit evasive lately. I hope he’s not actually mad at me...

She started to pace. 

“Shallan, what about - mmm - dealing with the truth tonight?” Pattern asked hopefully.

“UGH Pattern!” Her anger flared up again, and she recognized it as defensiveness. She sighed and took a sip of wine. It tasted warm and invigorating. “...Storms, I’m sorry, you’re right, of course. I’m already awake and already in trouble so I might as well own up to it. But if I’m going to deal with the truth I’m going to need a second cup,” she said, downing her glass and pouring another. Yes, it’s way past time to deal with this. The warmth in her stomach felt a bit false, but it was better than nothing.

You’ve got this Shallan, Radiant encouraged.

Shallan put the cup down again and fell onto the couch, pulling a pillow to her chest, which Pattern glided onto. 

“Ok, so what am I not facing, Pattern?” She asked. The warmth of the alcohol was already dissolving into a bit of lightheadedness, helping her feel more open. 

“Shallan, you know it’s so much more delicious when you figure it out yourself,” Pattern buzzed slyly.

“You’re no help,” Shallan smacked the edge of his image gently. She bit her lip, then Lightweaved an image of Veil. She knew that this Lightweaving wasn’t really her, and it felt both comforting and painful to see her again. She still missed her, still felt a bit incomplete without her. There was no one else who could ‘tell it like it is’ in a way that Shallan would actually listen on the first try. “What am I hiding, Veil?” she asked.

The image of Veil looked her up and down and smiled smugly. “Still can’t hold your alcohol, eh?” she laughed and shook her head at Shallan in mock judgment. “When we integrated, you got back all the problems you had pushed onto me. Some of them were big - which you dealt with, so proud of you, by the way!” She clapped an invisible, incorporeal hand on Shallan’s shoulder and grinned.

Shallan smiled, pleased, and waved her hand in a coy gesture.

Veil knelt down to bring herself to eye level with Shallan. “Some of them are less big, but still important. Like how you feel about the bridgeboy. You put all that feeling into me, so now all of it is back on you to deal with. So yeah, enjoy thinking about those tailored pants.” She winked.

Shallan pursed her lips, remembering how well they fit his butt as he walked ahead of her on his long, muscular Alethi legs. “That’s...going to complicate things. But yeah, I guess you’re right.” She had always cared about Kaladin, but she hadn’t admitted that her crush had never really ended. How long does a crush have to last before you have to admit you’re in love? And is it love, or is it a nice beard and long wavy hair? She took another sip of wine. She could figure out the details later. Somehow she knew there was more she was avoiding. “Well, what else? Why have I been avoiding Adolin?” She looked over hesitantly. 

Veil shifted uncomfortably. “Shallan, you know that when we were separate, you were always the lighteyed lady, the one who schemes in politics, and scribes as a scholar, and raises the standards of the feminine arts. I was the freedom-loving adventurer, and the spy. Over time, it shifted. You started bringing Adolin along on your missions, you revealed my identity to the Lightweavers. You can’t be me anymore, not just because I’m gone, but because there are too many other things tying you down. Jasnah won’t let you forget that you are a Brightlady with a Brightlady’s responsibilities. Not to mention you’re the leader of the Lightweavers, and responsible for training and organizing them. It’s becoming harder, maybe impossible, to keep all these dreams and goals separate and alive. You have to stop pretending you can live more than one life. Now are you going to try to do everything badly, or one thing really well?” 

Shallan sunk down, down, as deep as she could into the couch. The pillow fell to the floor. Pattern slid off the pillow and up again, onto the back of the couch. “Can’t I do everything and do it perfectly?” she asked in a small whine, biting a fingernail. 

“You can do fractions,” Pattern said encouragingly. “You can do one fifth of five things! Or one third of three things...Problem solved! Just make sure you never divide by zero or you’ll die!”

“That’s not as helpful as you think it is, Pattern,” Shallan groaned. Locking eyes with the image of Veil in a silent thank you, she dismissed the image.

Thinking about it, her current trajectory was to do everything badly. I’ve already ruined my reputation as a Brightlady by allowing Adolin to court Captain Stormface. The Lighteyes court was a group of caged axehounds, always tearing each other apart, and she had never really been able to get in with them anyway. I’ve abandoned my study of biology...unless Adolin’s nudes count. And besides those, I’m only ever drawing for the purpose of Lightweaving these days. Even then, she was hardly ever sober for it. Fabrial mechanics are desperately needed for scholarship but I’m no good at it. She was letting down Navani and Jasnah. The Lightweavers were doing well, but that was mostly due to Radiant’s efforts. Her life was a mess, and she hadn’t even counted all her problems yet.

Without the ability to hide from her stress, she felt the urge to run. Run away, abandon Urithiru, go off on her own to avenge Helaran and take down the Ghostbloods on her own. She would still have Pattern and Testament, and could work on reviving her.  

She imagined the life she could have if she ran. “If I left...Adolin would still have Kaladin. Maybe if I find out the secrets of the Ghostbloods I could turn the winds of the war. Maybe even travel to a different planet! Imagine the plants I would find. No more financial records, no more worrying about Adolin dying in battle, no more disappointing everyone...” 

Pattern undulated on the back of the couch. “Yes, certainly. That logic follows.”

Radiant jumped in. I don’t like that idea at all. You said an oath to Adolin, and you are responsible for the Lightweavers. It would be dishonourable to abandon them.

Shallan’s stomach twisted at the thought of leaving Adolin. He would be devastated. All his previous relationships had ended in disaster, and this would be another one, a worse one because it was a marriage. She would have to break her vows, and she had been trying hard to be true to him. He didn’t deserve broken vows. He was so good

Looking inward, she realized just how much of a bond they had built. How angry she had felt when he had offered himself up to the Honorspren. How terrified she had felt when he had been gutted in Shadesmar. 

The terror found her now. It gripped her, clutching at her chest, strangling her breath. Instinctively, she drew in Stormlight, but it just fed the anxiety. The urge to run grew stronger. 

I’m trapped, she thought, panicked. She got up and started to pace. I’m trapped by my love for Adolin. She took an absentminded sip of wine and tried to settle back on the couch again, fighting the energy building up inside.

“Yes, yes, you’re bonded to him, but it’s not always forever, right?” Pattern said. “You have broken bonds before, hmmmm…”

Shallan whirled on him and fought the urge to scream. Suddenly she remembered something Kaladin had said at lunch the day before. He had been thinking about what she’d said about feeling different and taking things from a new perspective, and had tried out a few things to see what works. He had said that without personas, it helped him to move his body around, to do something different, to think about something else for a bit, and then come back to it when his body was calm again. She took a breath and let out a long, shaky sigh. Ok, think about something else then.

Experimenting. She had laughed at how much he sounded like a scholar. Surgeons lived in a strange place almost between genders, and she liked how he lived there comfortably, as though it fit him perfectly, and yet in other ways he was still so caught up in the rules. She shook her head. She took another deep breath. Thinking about something else was helping. But her throat still felt dry.

“Speaking of fitting perfectly, how about those pants of Kaladin’s?” Pattern tried.

“It’s quite incredible how they were able to order in enough fabric for his long legs,” Shallan replied instantly. “They must have flown it in on the Fourth Bridge .” She smiled. The pants were laughable for being brown - incredibly out of fashion - but they did match his eyes and hair. Adolin had described the full outfit, and had lamented that Kaladin had said he’d never wear the jacket in public. Too bad. She would be able to torture him for years if she could see him in it. 

“Thanks, Pattern. Ok, move around.” Shallan got up and poured another cup of wine. She slowly paced the room, taking deliberate steps, adopting a posture that Queen Jasnah would almost approve of. The terror was receding, and she was feeling more herself again. “Time to solve this puzzle." Kaladin deserves to know the truth, so I will face it. For him and for me. 

Shallan took a sip of wine, holding her safehand against her lower back to keep it straight and proud as she measured her steps. “I am very attached to Adolin, so running off completely will never be an option.” She nodded sagely, Lightweaving an Adolin and a Shallan smiling at each other. “It seems I have also been attracted to Kaladin for a few years, and that doesn’t seem to be going away.” She lifted her cup and made a toast to a Lightwoven image of Kaladin, looking extremely grumpy and handsome in his Bridge Four uniform, standing off to the side a bit. He had a short, neat beard. 

She bit her lip. “Maybe adventuring and claiming my responsibilities doesn’t have to be an either/or...I could enjoy sticking around Urithiru, if I had this kind of adventure to look forward to.” The image of Kaladin looked shyly at the image of Shallan, and they extended their arms to each other, Shallan pulling Kaladin towards her and Adolin. The image of Shallan started taking the clothes off Kaladin…

Shallan shivered as her image tore his shirt open, exposing his broad shoulders and well muscled chest. He was smiling, eager. The image of Adolin started removing the Shallan’s havah as the image of Kaladin started to kiss her. Shallan realized that she was throbbing with desire.  

She blinked suddenly, and the images disappeared. That got very private very quickly. Probably better to keep that inside my head...

She moved back to the couch and reclined, taking another sip of wine. Actually, why not? I have the room to myself. She breathed in Stormlight from the lamps nearby, recreating the scene in vivid colour and detail. Shallan reached underneath her skirts and drew them up, pulling her underwear off and placing it under her just in case. The exposed skin of her thighs became chill from the cold, and as she slowly started rubbing her outer lips, she could feel the heat rising against her fingertips. 

The three images were all naked now, Shallan in the middle, as the men kissed each other over her shoulder, running their hands across her body. The image of Kaladin knelt down between her legs and licked Shallan deeply, running his tongue up from her entrance to her gemheart of womanhood. He sucked on it, biting her lips and thighs lightly. The image of Adolin was fully hard, pressing his shaft against her lower back as he leaned down and kissed her from behind, grasping her breasts firmly with both hands and exploring her body. 

Shallan herself began to press her fingers into the flesh of her outer lips, starting a circling motion just beneath her gem. Her safehand moved on its own accord to her breast, squeezing it through her havah, copying the motion of Adolin’s image. Her body squirmed as she watched, transfixed.

The image of Kaladin had started licking faster, focusing on her gemheart and sucking and flicking it with his tongue. Shallan imagined that he moaned into it, telling her all the things he was going to do to her, but she kept the images themselves silent. 

As Kaladin’s image licked Shallan’s, Shallan herself intensified the rhythm of her own touch. As her hand became slick with wetness, her fingers deepened into her inner lips, tracing a line up, gathering the wetness and sliding it across her gemheart. With her fingertips, she traced quick circles around the base, easing herself into the increased intensity. She could feel a pool of pleasure spreading from her tailbone, around her back, all the way up to her swelling gem. 

The images wasted no time. Adolin’s image grabbed Shallan’s and lifted her off the ground. Kaladin stood, erect, his shaft looking remarkably similar to Adolin's, but a deeper tan. Kaladin’s image stood and kissed Shallan’s image on the mouth, deeply and sloppily, grasping her ass. He grabbed Shallan’s thighs and helped to lift her, lining up his shaft with her wet entrance. He plunged in deep, causing the image of Shallan to shout voicelessly, throwing her head back over Adolin’s shoulder. Shallan herself almost moaned watching it. Adolin’s image was in the midst of putting his shaft into Shallan’s back entrance. Shallan’s image seemed to enjoy it very much, writhing and bucking as the two men thrust into her at the same time, their bodies wrapping around her completely, writhing together, coming together, dripping out of her holes...

The intensity residing deep inside her grew, swelling until it felt like she was about to burst. She moved her fingers slightly upwards and she exploded with pleasure from her gem to her butt, wetness surging from her. The Lightweaving dissolved as her vision exploded with starspren. Her head fell back to the couch.

“Spicy,” Pattern said from the far side of the couch. “But the appropriate rituals have not been completed.”

“There are no rituals for that,” Shallan said dreamily. She sat up with a new resolve. "If I'm wrong for wanting that, then I'll be wrong...But I'm going to try anyway."

“This will be very interesting,” Pattern said, undulating with excitement. “The possibilities have just increased exponentially!”

She stared at the ceiling for a bit, then sat up. She hadn’t figured everything out, but she had the beginnings of an answer for Kaladin and Adolin. Gaining momentum, she threw her wet underwear aside and stood, fixing her skirts. 

The orgasm, and the acceptance of what she wanted, energized her rather than making her sleepy, so she put on a cloak and shoes and headed out to the halls of Urithiru for a walk.

Notes:

Storms, those tailored pants. Shallan cannot get her mind off them.

Chapter 18: Mother Daughter Talk

Summary:

Shallan and Navani have a heart to heart.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

Some time later, Shallan was standing on a large upper balcony overlooking the Oathgate platforms, leaning against the railing, enjoying the breeze. No one else was around. Nomon was gently casting a bluish tinge on the world, making the mountains look cold and dreamlike, like a reflection in a hazy mirror. 

“I saw the opportunity to push my two most favourite people together, and somehow I didn’t realize that I wanted to be part of it,” Shallan said to Pattern, shaking her head.

“The lack of awareness on your part was rather delightful,” Pattern buzzed. “Not quite a lie, but not quite a truth, either.”

“More like pathetic,” Shallan sighed, covering her face. “How could I let this happen? Loving somebody shouldn’t be a difficult thing to recognize. I chastised both of them for it! Ugh, they’re never going to let me live this down when I tell them…” She laughed. “I deserve it though.”

Loving someone is hard enough. Telling them is harder. Getting them to respond ? Almost impossible sometimes,” said a deep, feminine voice from behind her. Shallan spun around. 

Navani.

Storms!

“I hope I didn’t interrupt your thoughts,” Navani intoned in a low voice as she stooped beside Shallan, leaning against the railing with her hands resting in the crooks of her elbows. She was wearing a red havah, but the blue light of Nomon cast it into the shade of a deep violet wine. Her painrial, normally red, glinted like an amethyst in the light. Shallan assumed that Navani had heard the rumours about Adolin and Kaladin, and her careless balcony confession would just confirm it. She glanced over to see Navani’s expression was kindly rather than judgmental. 

“I hope you can pardon a mother for being curious. Can I help, Shallan?”

Pardon a...mother. Shallan froze, stuck between running away and melting into her. My husband’s mother should definitely not know about this...

But she definitely already knows at least some of it. 

Oh storms, I’m trapped again! She felt the urge to run.

Radiant jumped in to help. Face it, then find a way to feel different. Kaladin can do it, and it’s been working for you so far.

She thanked Radiant silently and took a breath. She recognized this particular fear. You are quite unlikely to stab this mother, and even if you did, Navani has the Sibling to heal her. It’s going to be okay. 

A second breath told her that she missed her own mother terribly, and desperately wanted some guidance. 

Shallan straightened her posture and laid her hands on the cold railing, trying to embody Jasnah’s strength of character. She forced herself to look at Navani, and found she was looking away into the distance, perhaps nostalgically. 

“Have you...uh...have you ever been in love?” Shallan asked. Stupid question.

“Of course.” Navani turned and smiled fondly at Shallan. 

“With, uh, with two men? At the same time? For years?” Shallan blurted out, embarrassed but determined not to let the opportunity pass.

“Of course,” Navani said, much to Shallan’s surprise. “You know, sometimes I forget that you are from Jah Keved and don’t know much about my history. It’s quite refreshing, actually. I can tell you my story on my own terms.”

Shallan blushed at Navani’s admission. She had been in love with two men at once?

“Shallan, I’m sure you’ll recall that I used to be married to Dalinar’s older brother, Gavilar. But my secret is that I had been in love with the Blackthorn for many years before Gavilar died. When I was young, I met them both at the same time. They each had their own qualities that drew me in, and yet they were each so different. I felt pressured to choose between them, but had I been allowed to pursue my true desires, I would have taken them both. I don’t think I would have even acknowledged it at the time, let alone tried to negotiate it.” She laughed. “It would have been impossible. One of them would have killed the other, I’m sure of it.”

Navani looked at Shallan then. “So, I played by the rules, thinking that was best, and allowed myself to yearn silently for years. Even after Gavilar died, I restrained myself for the sake of propriety.” Her expression grew dark. “After Sadeas betrayed us on the Shattered Plains, I thought I had lost Dalinar and any chance I’d had to be with him. Everything changed for me in that moment. The rules didn’t matter anymore.” She sighed. “Our lives are short, far too short.” Her hands became fists against her arms and she looked down for a moment, a tear glinting in Nomon’s soft light. 

Shallan thought she must be thinking of Elhokar, and reached to her shoulder, patting it softly. Navani started, then turned and held her hand to Shallan’s hand, squeezing it.

“Thank you, my new daughter,” she sighed, smiling. “May I?” She stood and reached out an arm.

Shallan responded immediately. She threw her arms around her new mother and hugged her tightly. Shallan hadn’t realized just how much she needed a hug from a mother. She’s been my mother for over a year, she thought, tears in her eyes. Why haven’t I come to her before? She sniffled, and Navani held her close. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Navani said, patting her hair. “I’m proud of your boldness. I’m proud of you for choosing your own path. You are a Lightweaver. A spren chose to bond you, and not for honour, or determination, but for truth. Your truth. I wish I could have been half as brave or as honest with myself when I was your age.”

“I don’t feel brave,” Shallan said, pulling out of the hug reluctantly. She looked up at Navani. “I feel...I don’t know what I feel.” 

Trapped.

“Vulnerable?” Navani asked.

Pattern buzzed from Shallan’s skirt.

“Yeah.” The word reverberated inside, highlighting how she felt small, and soft, and still. Powerless. In need. “I’ve spent so much time putting walls up that now that they’re coming down I feel unprotected.” Shallan rolled the word around in her mouth. “Vulnerable.”

“That’s why it’s so important to only speak your truths to those you can trust. And you can trust Adolin and Kaladin. They’re good men.” Shallan blushed, and Navani winked. “And you can trust me. Don’t worry, I’ll hold your secret, as long as it lasts. Which isn’t very long at all in this tower.”

Navani opened her mouth and then silenced herself, running her tongue across her teeth. 

Shallan grinned. “Now’s not the time to stop being bold, is it?”

Navani smiled ruefully and put her hands on Shallan’s shoulders. “I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but consider this practicality. Please. For the sake of the Kholin succession, I would implore you to ensure that your heirs take after my nephew. We’re not Azish. We Alethi simply don’t have the paperwork to process that.”

Getting supported and admonished within minutes, that’s a mother’s love all right. Shallan guffawed. “For you, Mother, I’ll see what I can do.”

Notes:

I can't help but feel that Shallan and Navani would have some good things to offer each other. Navani wanting so much to be appreciated, and to have hugs, and to have someone to listen to her wisdom, because Jasnah doesn't need/want any of it. And Shallan missing out on having a mother for so, so long, and desperately needing some guidance and support and hugs too. I really wanted this bonding moment for them both.

Chapter 19: Revelations

Summary:

Kaladin has a sad. He talks to Renarin, and his group of battle shocked soldiers. It helps.

Notes:

CW brief mentions of canon-typical levels of violence.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

The next day, Kaladin sat at the table in his home, eating alone. It was the fifth day of the week, so his father was working, and Kaladin had the day off from the clinic. His mother had invited him to go out for a walk with her and Oroden, but he hadn't wanted to go. His dark mood was creeping in again. He was pushing his food around his plate, his other hand propping up his head. Syl was sitting on the table in her feminine form, watching him.

“What’s wrong, Kaladin?” Syl asked.

“I’m just...” Kaladin sighed. “Everything seems so good when I’m around Adolin, but when I’m alone the darkness comes back. It feels like I just learned what the sun is, and now I have to go live in the shade.”

“Feeling good...is making you feel worse?” Syl considered.

“I know it sounds weird, but...maybe. It’s almost worse to have something good for a little bit and then have to let it go, rather than to never have had it at all.” Kaladin grimaced and forced himself to take a bite of food. 

“Let go? Do you mean leaving his rooms to come home, or are you talking about something else?” Syl asked, curious. 

Kaladin felt a heaviness descend onto his chest. “I mean both I guess. Whatever I have with Adolin, it can’t last,” he sighed. “It’s maybe the best thing that’s ever happened to me, besides you of course,” she nodded regally, “but it’s so secret and delicate. There’s no words for what this is. Other people don’t understand. I can’t go with him in public because I don’t want to shame him and Shallan by confirming the rumours. I can barely even spend any time with Shallan in public at this point.”

He sighed. “Adolin and I, we can’t enjoy a normal relationship. Where could it even go? We couldn't get married someday because he’s already married. And of course there’s Shallan. I don’t think she ever intended for this to last this long. I feel like I’m intruding on her space. And I’m intruding into her life in a very personal way. She has been incredibly gracious and generous, and very supportive of me, but I can’t shake the feeling that her secret is that she’s actually unhappy with this arrangement.”

He forced down the rest of his food and stood to wash his dish. “She puts on a brave face for the world. She can smile even when she is hurting. I want to feel good, Syl, but I will not do it at the expense of my friend. She has gone to a huge effort to make sure that I am feeling as comfortable as possible, and Syl, she helps me chase away my darkness. I can’t pay her back by increasing her darkness.”

Syl considered. “So you feel bad because she looks happy?”

“She looks happy but we caught her in a lie. So there’s something not right, which means I can’t trust her smile. I want to, but things just never go well for me, Syl. There’s no way this can go well. Everything I touch gets ruined somehow. This will too.” He put his dish away and slumped back down in the chair, staring at the wall.

“Kaladin, sitting here and stewing about it isn’t going to help. Why not talk to someone? There’s gotta be someone from old Bridge Four around. And you have your group later today. They keep encouraging you to talk - maybe you can talk about this. Come on, Kaladin, get up! You said yourself that moving around is helpful, and you already said no to Hesina.”

Unable to argue against his own wisdom, Kaladin got up and left his rooms. Walking nowhere in particular, he ended up at the Windrunners’ training grounds. He got a lot of smiles, waves, and astonished looks of awe. He felt uncomfortable. There were a lot of new people he didn’t recognize. He asked around and found that both Skar and Lopen were away on missions; however, Drehy was around somewhere. He finally found Drehy training some squires, high up in the air. The drills were impeccable. He was doing a great job. Kaladin sighed and slowly walked away, not wanting to interrupt the training, and Drehy didn’t see him. 

He didn’t see Renarin and almost bumped into him. 

“Hello Kaladin.” Renarin smiled, looking in the general direction of Kaladin’s chest. “Were you looking for someone?”

“No. Not anyone in particular. I just...I don’t know, I just didn’t want to be at home and I didn’t know where to go. My feet just kind of took me here. Uh, do you have a minute?” he asked, feeling awkward.

“Sure, let’s go down to the cookpit. Maybe it’ll feel more comfortable there.”

They sat down on the cut logs that Rock had made, what seemed so long ago. “This feels both more comfortable and more uncomfortable,” Kaladin said, looking across all the empty seats.

“Comfortable because of the setting, but uncomfortable because of the people missing?”

“Yeah...it’s hard to believe I’m feeling nostalgic about a time when I was so close to death every day. I’m so much better now, in some ways, but I miss the camaraderie. I wish things didn’t have to change.”

Renarin looked at the empty spaces, touching the rough edges of the stump he was sitting on. “The people might change, but if you need camaraderie, you can still find it.” He smiled. "I know Rlain has been really grateful for your friendship. Actually he wanted me to tell you he can't make it to the support group today." He blushed. "He, uh, he took mateform a few days ago and he hasn't quite adjusted to it. I think it might be a week or two before you see him again." 

Kaladin sat up. "Oh! Wow, okay. Is he ok?"

Renarin coughed lightly and smiled. "Yeah he's fine. Actually I should get back to him. I said I'd only be gone a couple hours."

As he stood, Kaladin realized the implications of what Renarin just said. "Congratulations Renarin!" He finally thought to say. "And tell Rlain congratulations too. I'll look forward to seeing him again when he's ready." 

"Thanks," Renarin replied. "And hey, congratulations about you and Adolin too. He seems really happy."

As Renarin jogged away, Kaladin felt an inexplicable knot in his stomach. Sadness? A softer feeling he couldn’t identify filled his chest. Good for them. Thank the Heralds that Renarin and Rlain are still here, and they will still talk to me. He felt embarrassed that these strange feelings were so close to the surface. He frowned. Rlain never told me that he was thinking about taking mateform. Then again, I never told him I was courting Adolin. Should I have told him? 

"You know what I think?" Syl said from his shoulder, more a statement than a question.

"Yeah," Kaladin replied softly. "I should open up more." 

"You should open up more."

He walked aimlessly, wandering through the marbled halls of Urithiru until it was time to get ready for his group. 

He got to the large meeting room overlooking the mountains where the group of battle shocked soldiers would meet, and started setting up the chairs. Soon the men gathered around. There were ten today. Over the last few months, they had all improved. One by one, they had talked, and they had made friends with each other. It was moving to witness. A few of them had even started relationships outside of the group, and had started integrating into one community or another in the Tower.

As the group started, Kaladin’s mind drifted. It’s happening here too, he thought with a growing sense of dread. This is going to end too. They're going to leave. Nothing stops changing, but I’m stuck and I’ll be alone forever. Despair soaked him like a highstorm, right through to the bone. His body sagged.

A man in the group looked at Kaladin. “Looks like you’ve got something to say today.” It was Cid, an older man with long curls covering the horrific scarring on his forehead. He had told his story. He had removed his slave brands the darkeyes way, managed to get back into the army as a spearman, and had gotten battle shock during the plateau attack when Sadeas had betrayed Dalinar. 

Kaladin met his gaze, but said nothing. I have to be strong. I am their leader. I can’t let them down...but what does that even mean here? These men have told their stories of battle shock and I haven’t said anything yet. Maybe I’m a coward.

“I know that look,” Cid said matter-of-factly. “That’s the look of a man whose squad is dying around him.”

The observation was astute. I guess letting them down would be not to talk. Strength before weakness. Syl gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Kaladin sighed and finally spoke. He told the story of the first time he lost his squad - Cenn, Dallet, all of them - and even included the part about the Shardbearer and his betrayal by Amaram, the murder of the survivors. The eyes of the men were glued to Kaladin and he could see their awe. It was uncomfortable but he pushed himself anyway.

“After I lost that squad, I got another squad,“ of slaves, he left unsaid, “and lost them. And then again. And again. Each time I was the only survivor. I feel like I’m fated to witness the deaths of everyone I care about. Everyone dies, or leaves, things change, and I am destined to always be alone.” He could feel how heavy that weight was on him. He leaned onto his elbows, head down.

A strong hand patted him gently on the back. “I was an only survivor too,” the man next to him, Hibbin, said. He had watched as a chasmfiend suddenly appeared in the wrong place, catching his whole unit off guard, and he had been the only survivor from his squad. “In the ardents’ cell, I felt like I got what I deserved. Like I should spend my life reliving that moment when they all died, because that’s all that was left of my squadmates. But since you let us out, I figured out a thing or two.” He wagged his finger. “When I saw the sun again, I realized that out of everyone, I was the only one that could still feel its warmth. And now, I know it’s my responsibility to live a good life on behalf of my squad. Like through me, they get a chance at another life. So I gotta make it good.”

“Hibs, that’s just because you met Alayna!” Another man joked.

“Well, she and I was grieving the same man, weren’t we,” Hibbin said, laughing. “We have so much in common!”

Everyone laughed, even Kaladin. Telling his story had been unpleasant but not as bad as he’d expected. The change of perspective was interesting. Maybe I can do that too - honour the others by living, instead of constantly thinking about how they died. 

Maybe that’s what life before death means .

The weight didn’t lift entirely, but he did feel a bit lighter. He looked around and realized that these men were here now, and he could lean on them now while he had them, instead of worrying about them being gone later.

Maybe I’ve been so focused on the past and future, I haven't had my eyes open to what’s possible in the present, he wondered. That’s probably what went wrong with Lyn...No, I’m doing it again! Just...pay more attention to what’s possible for me now. 

Syl nodded from atop Cid's curly hair.

Journey before destination. 

It started to make sense in a way it hadn’t before. 

Kaladin kept listening. The men had been telling each other their stories for months. As time went on, the stories became less about what had happened in the past, and more about who they were, and what their dreams were. They started remembering fond memories that had been obscured by the battle shock. They got to know each other outside of the battles they’d fought. Kaladin realized that he was lagging behind them, probably because he hadn’t shared anything of his own. He didn’t feel completely comfortable opening up to them because to them, he was the famous Windrunner that had saved them. But there were two people he was starting to feel comfortable to tell his stories to - Adolin and Shallan. They were a very different kind of squad, but he was learning to trust them with himself in ways he’d never been able to in Bridge Four, or anywhere. 

He smiled faintly. I never saw this opportunity with Adolin coming, he thought. Maybe...maybe there can be other good things too. A warmth filled him, and he thought of burning a glyphward in gratitude. Maybe I’ll ask Shallan to write it for me, he thought. She makes the most beautiful glyphs, and this one is special. Even if things do change, maybe I can still count on their friendship. 

At the end of the group, Kaladin offered hugs to anyone who wanted one.

Notes:

Kaladin is exactly the kind of helper who would start a peer support group and then never actually do the "mutual" part of "mutual support".

Oh and hey, Kaladin? You have friends you can trust. Please use them. They're great.

Also Rlain is in horny jail 😂😂😂 I picture Mateform as being super horny at first with no refractory period, and then it slowly calms down over time until all you wanna do is cuddle and raise kids.

Chapter 20: Declaration

Summary:

Shallan declares her love to Kaladin. She gives a priceless gift.

Notes:

No major CWs here, just a chaste hug

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

Walking home from the group, Kaladin felt...surprisingly okay. 

“I’m so glad you decided to take your own advice and be with people,” Syl said, swirling happily around him. 

“Yeah, me too,” Kaladin said. “ I wouldn’t have done it without your prompting, so thank you. You truly are a little piece of a god.” He smiled at her, still marvelling at the generous, warm feeling welling inside him. It felt less uncomfortable now. Maybe it could even become familiar. 

As he approached his home, he saw Shallan standing outside the door, her fist up to knock, two guards behind her. 

“Looking for me?” Kaladin called. “It’s a little early to go out for a drink, isn’t it?”

She turned to Kaladin and grinned. “That’s why we’re having it in.” She held up a bottle of orange. As he approached, she held the bottle in front of her with both hands, an anxious expression on her face. Her hair was done up in more elaborate braids than usual, and her havah was sleek, almost reflective, and quite form fitting. 

“Are you going out after this?” Kaladin asked curiously. “You look really nice.” 

Shallan blushed. “No, I’m not going out after this.” That’s odd. “Do you mind if we talk in your rooms? It’s kind of personal,” she said, wringing her hands on the neck of the bottle. She’s going to tell me whatever she’s been lying about. She’s dressed up nice to let me down easy. Kaladin felt an icy jolt rush through his core, but let her in with a small bow. 

Shallan took two large strides into the room and almost hit her hip against the table. Clearly it was a smaller space than she was expecting. Kaladin’s mood improved again immediately, and he smirked as he closed the door behind them. 

Shallan recovered and looked around, taking in the bare walls, kitchen counters, the open seating area, a small hallway leading to three rooms, the bathroom, and she finally turned to the last corner of the main room, where Oroden was sitting on the floor among a scattering of toys. He looked up at her, smiling, and she waved awkwardly. He walked up to her and grabbed the skirt of her havah, pointing. “Youwa haiw wed!” He couldn’t pronounce ‘r’ or ‘l’ yet, but she seemed to understand him well enough. “What youwa favouwite cowwa? Wed?” He tugged insistently, and Shallan looked to Kaladin with a mild panic in her eyes. Oh, this will be fun, Kaladin thought, crossing his arms.

“Hi, Oroden,” he said, smiling.

“KAGADIN!” Oroden pointed at Shallan’s hair. “Hew haiw wed!!”

Hesina had been watching Shallan’s entrance from the table. Kaladin could tell she was curious, because her demeanour immediately became indifferent but her eyes took in every detail. With a mild expression, she stood, curtsying. “Ah, Brightlady Shallan!” she said smoothly. “It’s an honour to have you here in our humble home. I see you’ve met Oroden. Oroden, please meet Brightlady Shallan.” 

“Bwywady Shawan!” Oroden copied. “Bue? Bue dwess!” He investigated her skirt further, bunching and pulling at it. Shallan appeared frozen. Kaladin wished he could take a Memory the way Shallan could, to preserve this moment forever so he could torture her with it later.

Hesina smiled politely, then turned to Kaladin and clapped her hands together. “Perfect timing! He’s just finished eating and he’s ready to play.” She put on her shoes as she talked. “Have fun! I’ll see you later Kaladin. Brightlady.” Then she was gone.

That’s strange, I was expecting more questions from her. He shook his head. Sometimes she waited until he was at ease before she struck. Another storming duellist. He would have to be careful.

Shallan looked at the door, then at Oroden. “She’s leaving him here?” 

Oroden frowned and yanked at her skirt again. “Bwyness, my favouwite cowwa gweeeeeeeen!” 

Kaladin grabbed his brother’s hand and pulled him away from Shallan’s dress, offering him his favourite toy, a large wooden spoon. Oroden grabbed it, then immediately dropped it. “Leaving him at home in my care? Don’t sound so surprised,” Kaladin deadpanned, and she blushed. “She’s going to convince Lirin to stop working for the day, and then they’ll go out for dinner together. Sometimes they walk around the marketplace afterwards. They do that a couple times a week. It’s good for them to get a break from this little larkin.” He ruffled Oroden’s hair. 

Shallan paused, then looked at Oroden. “What do you do with him? Sorry, I don’t have much experience with children.”

Kaladin smiled internally but said seriously, “We’re going to have to spend a lot of time making sure he doesn’t accidentally harm himself. As you can see, he’s not particularly careful, and there are dangers everywhere.” 

“There are?” Shallan asked, looking around carefully. 

She’s gullible tonight. Is that her being surprised by Oroden? Is she that distracted by whatever she wants to tell me? Or is she hungover? “Actually, not by this point,” Kaladin grunted. He hoisted the toddler up by his armpits and deposited him unceremoniously into Shallan’s arms, exchanging his brother for the wine. “He’s three now. He’s already run into and broken almost everything he can in this place. He’s actually quite unbreakable.”

Oroden squealed in Shallan’s ear and started babbling at her. “Can I dis button? Can I DIS button? Buttons!”

Shallan grabbed him awkwardly, letting him slide down her havah sideways to the ground, grasping him by her sleeved safehand out of necessity. For a moment, Kaladin forgot his worries, and he chuckled as he put the wine on the table out of Oroden’s reach. Oh yes, it’ll be too easy to torture her. 

He picked up the boy by an arm, then swung him upside down. Oroden screamed in delight. Shallan’s eyes went wide and she clutched her safehand to her chest. “Are...are you sure that’s ok?”

“It’s safer when you’re a Windrunner,” he said as he held Oroden’s ankle, performing a half Lash and letting him spin slowly through the air. Oroden clapped his hands and oriented himself expertly. Kaladin was proud of him. I wonder if he will end up a Windrunner someday.

“Oh, I hope so!” Syl said from the table. “He’s got great potential!”

He grabbed Oroden, pulling him back in, and then let him float down to the ground as Kaladin slowly pulled the Stormlight from him. Oroden screamed and started running circles around the table.

Kaladin gestured to Shallan to sit down at the table, and he sat down across from her. 

“That usually gets him running around for a bit. So, what’s the occasion?” His body tensed again. “I don’t think you’ve ever come here before.” No quips about my home? No jokes? What’s going on? Is this how she tells me that I can’t see Adolin anymore? ...No, it couldn’t be. Could it? His anxiety swelled up, freezing him in place.

“Well,” Shallan squirmed a bit in her seat, looking uncomfortable. “I want to give you something.” 

Kaladin cocked his head. “Give me something? Don’t you mean you want to tell me why you lied to me?” It came out harsher than he’d intended. The anticipation was getting to him.

Shallan blinked. “Yes, I mean - sorry - I’m going to do that too. It’s not bad, I promise, but I shouldn’t have hidden anything from you, Kaladin. I’m not used to being open and trusting, but I’ve been reminded that I can trust you, and I want to. I’m going to try harder to do that. So I want to tell you what I was hiding, and give you a gift. To try to make up for the anxiety I caused you.”

Kaladin looked at Shallan. She was rambling and her voice sounded tight. She was avoiding his eyes. He ducked to get her eye contact, and she blushed. Well, she didn’t Lightweave her face this time . He relaxed a bit, then took in what she said. A gift? He neither needed nor deserved one. “Shallan, that’s not necessary,” he said more softly. The corner of his mouth pulled towards a smile, and he could still feel a glimmer of that warm feeling in his chest that had been building all day. “I think you’ve been giving me enough gifts already. First you give me Adolin, and time, and space to spend with him. It’s the most personal gift you could give. You gave me that drawing so I can always remember him. You gave me words of wisdom that have really helped me. I was actually thinking about that today with my group…” 

As he spoke, he could feel the swell of gratitude rising to the surface. She’s lied, but she’s also been so kind to me. And I was going to ask her to write me a glyphward…maybe I’m overstepping. Taking advantage of her. She's Adolin’s wife, not mine. It’s not appropriate for me to ask.

He steadied his own voice. “I guess, before you give me anything else, I want to say thank you for the gifts you’ve given me already. Because of you, I’ve been feeling better, not all the time, but more often, and knowing that you’re trying too makes it easier to talk to you about these things. I haven’t really had anyone I could talk to like this before. It’s really made a difference to me.” He found himself leaning towards her, his hands outstretched. 

She smiled broadly, and he saw tears in her eyes. She looked down at his hands and looked up again, and Kaladin realized he had reached out both his hands. She winked at him and he chortled at his mistake, but before he could react Oroden walked up to him and handed him his wooden spoon.

“Spoon!” Oroden said. 

“Thank you, Oroden,” Kaladin said, grabbing the spoon from him and placing it on the table. Oroden walked away to grab another toy.

Shallan watched Oroden walk away, then turned her smile back to Kaladin. “Your gratitude means everything to me, Kaladin,” she said. “I meant it when I said I want you to be happy in whatever way that means for you and Adolin.” She reached out towards him with both of her hands. “And...I want to say that about you and me, too.”

Kaladin’s stomach dropped as he looked down at her outstretched hands - one free, one covered. On purpose. “What are you saying?” She couldn’t possibly mean... He looked to Syl, and she grinned, then gestured him back to Shallan. Syl saw Oroden approaching with another toy and flew to him, revealing herself, and started playing tag to distract him. Thank you Syl, Kaladin thought. 

“Well, this is what I had lied about,” Shallan said. “I haven’t been entirely honest with you about how I feel.” Guilt was on her face. No, there’s no way this is the thing she’s been hiding. Anxious, he stood, not knowing where to look. To hide his apprehension, he went to the cupboard to get two cups. 

She turned and kept talking to him as he moved around the room. “Kaladin, you know that at first I was not exactly the most kind and generous person to you, and you must have thought pretty poorly of me. I didn’t make a good first impression, or second, or probably third either.” 

Kaladin snorted, remembering, but the churning emotions inside prevented him from speaking. Back at the table, he opened the bottle with shaking hands, then poured the two cups. 

She pulled her hands back towards herself and settled them on the table in a ladylike posture. She twisted her lips, then relaxed them. “I think I first started to realize how special you were back when you saved me in the chasm.”

He sat down and pushed a cup of wine across the table to her. He picked up his cup with both hands as if it were tea. He took a sip and it was, of course, delicious, with a mild tingling spice. “You know, you saved me in that chasm,” he smirked. “You just told Dalinar that I saved you.”

“Oh yeah!” She chuckled, tapping her chin. “Fancy that! Well, some time after that, I developed a crush on you.” This isn’t real...is it? Now it was his turn to avoid her eyes.

Shallan sighed and took a sip of the orange. “The time we spent together in Kholinar and Shadesmar got me in even deeper,” she remembered. “After Thaylen City, I felt I needed to choose between you and Adolin, and because Adolin and I were already causally engaged, and I had spent more time with him, and well, he’s Adolin, how can you say no to that?” She laughed, and Kaladin smiled. 

“No, you couldn’t. It would be like saying no to Syl. Just wrong.” Their eyes met again, and he could see a sparkle of mirth. 

Her face grew serious again. “Here’s the thing though,” she said. “Choosing him didn’t change how I felt about you. I was afraid of it and so I put it into Veil. I thought that it would fade, but over time, my crush on you grew into something deeper.”

So Veil did have a crush on me, Kaladin thought, taking another sip of the orange. That does make a lot of sense. As his mind started accepting the implication, his anxiety returned, then started to turn to panic. She’s going to want something from me! No, slow down. Focus on the taste of the wine. This isn’t bad. This is good

“...But now Veil is gone and it’s forced me to face my feelings about you. You said that us talking has helped you. It’s really helped me too. I feel like I’ve learned a lot from you how to be more brave in facing reality.” She took a sip of wine and gazed at him with caring blue eyes. Oh, storms, here it comes... his body tensed as if for combat.

“So here’s my reality Kaladin. I love you more every day. I...” she heaved a breath, “I want to be with you, but in a way that makes sense to you and how you feel about me. I treasure our friendship, and if what we have right now works for you best, then I’m happy and grateful to still have it. I just want you to know that I hope that we could be even closer.” 

Kaladin opened his mouth, but Shallan raised a finger. “This in no way affects your relationship with Adolin. I was serious when I said I support whatever you two work out, and it seems to be working out really well. I’m very happy for you. Too happy, maybe.” She smiled sweetly.

Kaladin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How is this possible? Why would she love me? He was shocked. I’m safe with Adolin? She’s still supportive? This can’t be real. He felt like he was floating away. He pressed his hands on the tabletop to steady himself. 

Shallan reached to her side and pulled an item out of her satchel. She unwrapped it, revealing a glowing fabrial. “This is for you.” She placed it on the table between them. It was a sapphire, intricately cut and infused with Stormlight, in a housing of woven metal formed into a small stand with a dial on the side. This is beautiful. What does this have to do with me?  

“I got the gem in Lasting Integrity, the Honorspren city. It is a perfect gemstone that holds Stormlight without leaking. As long as you don’t pull Stormlight from it, it will never fade.”

Kaladin looked at it in awe. Storms, how did she get that? It was a priceless gift for a Radiant. Why would she give this to me ? The Windrunners or Lightweavers would need it more. 

“I had my mother...Navani...help me with it. And before you go trying to give it away, she gave me permission to let you keep it,” she said firmly. “We’ve done all our research on it, so it’s yours, okay? Now look - this dial activates a Lightweaving that I created for you.” As she turned the dial, an image appeared, hovering above the fabrial. There were three figures - Kaladin in his surgeon’s uniform, with Adolin on one side and Shallan on the other, holding his shoulders and smiling at him. The image glowed with a pure blue light. Navani saw this? I’m allowed to have it? He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He reached out and touched the edge of the illusion with his finger, temporarily fuzzing it. 

“Adolin chose the colour,” Shallan said. “He thought it would help at night.”

That put him over the edge. His throat became thick with tears. Night was his darkest time, and to have a reminder that his dearest friends loved him...it was too much to comprehend. The warmth and emotion he had been holding back all day threatened to overwhelm him. 

“This...this is too much,” he stammered. “I don’t deserve this.” Tears fell. “Shallan...” he said hopelessly, wiping his eyes. 

“Look, I’m not doing this to try to get you to love me back,” she said, then shrugged and smiled. “Well, maybe a little bit, but I’m not expecting anything in return. You deserve the truth, and I’ve been too long in giving it to you. So consider this my apology. I just want you to know I love you, Kaladin, and if you are interested then let’s talk about it sometime.”

Adolin loves me and Shallan loves me too? Impossible. Yet as he stared at the image, it was impossible to deny the love in those faces. Her art, her Lightweavings, increasingly seemed to reveal truth more than obscure it. He was baffled by her talent. How was it possible to see their love in an image, to know it was there by looking at this small bit of light?

His life had been full of apparently impossible things. Most had been bad, but some had been very good. He swallowed. He tried to stop the flow of tears as best he could. 

He realized that while he had been thinking, Syl had flown over to look at the fabrial. Oroden had climbed into Shallan’s lap and was showing her one of Lirin’s shoes. Her face glowed with a smile as she confirmed it was indeed a shoe. She put him down again and he ran to grab another household item to show her. 

“He’s so happy,” she said, putting the shoe on the floor. “I can see the appeal of having one of these running around.”

“Stick around longer and you’ll see how much he screams, cries, and poops,” Kaladin chuckled, wiping a tear as he recovered. “But he looks like a flower blooming in the riddens when he sleeps...which actually shouldn’t be too long from now. We have special quiet time games that we play before bed.” 

Shallan took her cue and got up. “Thank you for letting me visit,” she said. 

“Shallan, thank you for, for...well, for everything.” He stood, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “Look, I’m not sure how I feel...except to say I’m really grateful to have you in my life. I think I need some time to think about it. I was planning on chastising you for lying but now it seems much lower on the list of priorities...” 

“I understand,” she said seriously. “I’m not trying to get out of any consequences.”

“Well, maybe you can start by helping me with Oroden sometimes. Three year olds have a lot to teach about honesty. I have him every third and fifth pass. But we can still have our lunches, right? It’s pretty much the only time I take my break, and I hear that it’s good for me.” He smiled shyly.

She grinned. “I’d love that.”

“And -”

Shallan looked up expectantly.

“- do you think you would make a glyphward for me? You make them better than any artisan, and this one is special.”

She nodded vigorously, grinning again. On instinct he opened up his arms, and Shallan ran into him, hugging him tightly around the bottom of his ribs. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and one around her head, patting the top of her head gently. 

“I’ve always wanted to touch your hair,” he said as he brushed his hand across her braids, feeling the softness of the texture. “Hm. I thought red hair would feel different.”

“Storming Alethi,” she replied into his chest. “You have too much propriety when you shouldn’t, and no sense of propriety when you should.” She pulled away to look at him and pointed. “Those brown pants are a perfect example. When will you let Adolin buy you some proper ones? These ones are more ugly than that face I Lightweaved for you.” 

There she is. “That was because you liked me, wasn’t it?” Kaladin smirked. “You are incorrigable.”

“I finally told you, didn’t I? Surely I’m at least somewhat corrigable.” She grinned, hugged him tight one more time, then said her goodbyes to Oroden. 

After Shallan left, Kaladin sat heavily in a chair, still feeling the echoes of her hug around his chest, mixing with gratitude, warmth, hope, relief, and anxiety. He stared at the fabrial, not daring to touch it lest it actually become his. Syl was inspecting it. 

“Kaladin, this is really special,” she said with awe in her voice. “I think she really likes you.”

“Seems like that’s an understatement, Syl.” A knot tied in his throat, threatening tears again. Suddenly, he sat up straight as an arrow, and a stab of anxiety thrust through his gut. “Oh, stormwinds! Adolin! I have to talk to Adolin!”

He grabbed Oroden and ran. 

Notes:

Navani the wingwoman is the best I swear, and Shallan is finally getting her shit together with fabrial research behind the scenes. She just needed the right motivation I guess ;)

It was hard to write Kaladin's reaction because he had so many feelings going on! I hope it didn't feel too jerked around emotionally.

I would love to hear what you think of this chapter, and everything up to now!

Chapter 21: Hollow

Summary:

Adolin talks to Renarin, and explores his doubts about his Calling. Kaladin brings good news. He accepts his gift.

Notes:

No big CWs for this chapter. Brief mention of slavery.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

“You’re really improving out there,” Adolin said to Renarin as they soaked, sitting in the Kholin private bath after their sparring match. “You’re already mastering the philosophy and strategy of duelling. It’s just a matter of getting your strength up and your reflexes tight. And that’s just practice.” Adolin smiled, proud of his brother. As he looked around the room, he couldn’t help but remember when he had been here with Kaladin, and had seen a playful side to him. He looked down and sighed.

“If I’m improving so well, why do you feel sad about it?” Renarin asked. He had sunk into the bath up to his neck, and was rolling his shoulders lightly to loosen them. 

Adolin looked back to Renarin, pulling himself out of his reverie. “Huh?”

“When you look down when you sigh, you’re unhappy.” It was simply a statement of fact, one that Adolin wouldn’t dismiss in front of his brother.

“You’re right, Renarin,” Adolin said, “But I’m not sad about your progress. I’m actually really proud of what you’ve been able to accomplish. I’m sad about something else.”

“Is it about Kaladin and Shallan?” Renarin asked directly. 

“Well, yes and no,” Adolin mused. “When I was worried that Shallan was holding something back, it turned out it was the best possible scenario for a secret. And now that she’s told me, it feels like a cloud has been lifted off my relationship with Kaladin. That’s a really good thing.”

“So what are you sad about?”

Adolin shifted in the bath. He leaned back and stretched out his legs, spreading his toes, making sure he didn’t accidentally touch the heating fabrial at the bottom. “I still feel like there’s something off. I had been upset that she was avoiding me, but now that she’s more available I’ve started going to bed early. It’s not fair to her but…” he sighed again. “Maybe I’m just exhausted. I miss my old life. I miss Jakamov and my other friends, back when I thought they were my friends. The other families are all interested in me for political reasons. They’re jostling for position in the new court, playing all their games...but it’s like the stakes got way higher just as I realized that I don’t want to play anymore. Interacting with them is draining. I know Jasnah warned us many times against making friends with them, but now I really know it and feel it and...I don’t know, it’s incredibly lonely.” He looked up and smiled tightly. “And before you say anything, yes I’m aware that I have you, and the family, and two of the greatest friends in the world.”

Renarin’s mouth twitched into a half smile. He grabbed the soap and started cleaning. “I understand what that’s like.”

“If you’re relating to my loneliness, then why are you smiling?” Adolin asked jokingly.

“Because you sound like our father. Can’t stand the palace intrigue anymore.” 

Adolin grunted. “Heh. Yeah. It goes beyond the palace intrigue though. I’ve been feeling this way since the Radiants returned...I don’t know my place anymore. I’m just a duellist, not a Radiant. I thought my Calling would be duelling, but now,” he gestured dismissively, “now it doesn’t mean anything. I want my Calling to mean something.” 

Renarin threw the soap to Adolin. As Adolin started soaping up, Renarin rinsed his body in his usual order - arms first, then head, neck, and torso. He splashed his face, then rubbed down his legs as he stood on the inner step. “Adolin, as much as you might feel powerless, you actually have more power than most of the population of Urithiru, including the Radiants. I believe you can find a way to use it wisely.”

“Shouldn’t I have already been using it wisely? All I’m doing is interrupting squabbling princes while they fight over import prices. Kaladin is a surgeon, and in his spare time he’s out there making a difference for those battle scarred men. Shallan leads an entire order of Radiants. Rlain is making a difference for everyone in Urithiru by teaching us how to increase our crop yields.” Adolin snuck a glance at Renarin as he said it. “You’re learning to tell the storming future, and translating the Radiant gems. Jasnah is changing what it means to be Alethi. I can’t help but feel I should be doing more.” 

He sighed, dejected. Since he’d returned from Shadesmar, he’d been so distracted with Kaladin that he hadn’t paid attention to the hollow feeling that had been tugging at his heart more and more insistently since they had moved to Urithiru. Since Kal had broken down in the dressing room, somehow it had grown again. 

Renarin grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist, and brought two for Adolin as he got out of the bath. “You did something pretty incredible in Shadesmar. The work you did will allow new spren to bond with Windrunners.” 

“Yes, that’s true. Thank you Renarin.” I’m not totally useless, at least… Adolin wrapped one towel around his waist and used another to dry his hair. He let out a breath as he sat down on a bench beside Renarin. “Oh, did I mention that Maya spoke to me since I returned?” 

Renarin shook his head, surprised. “What did she say?”

“She said I did ‘good healing’.”

Renarin cocked his head. “Did you heal someone? Are you using Radiant powers?” He sounded excited.

“No, I was just helping Kaladin. He was having a rough time that day.”

Renarin looked away, his face thoughtful. “That’s interesting. Hm. Let me know if Maya speaks again.” 

“Sure, I will. It must mean something, right?”

“Yes, I believe it does.”

They sat in a companionable silence. Sitting with his brother, Adolin felt comfortable to face the hollow feeling - with curiosity rather than fear, as he’d seen Renarin do. Adolin sighed again. “Don’t get me wrong - I love Kaladin. I love being with him. But, I think I might have been thinking that he could fill a hole in my heart, and being with him hasn’t helped that particular feeling. In fact, it might be making it worse. My heart hurts, Ren. I don’t know what to do.”

Renarin put a hand on Adolin’s shoulder. “How is being with Kaladin making it worse?” he asked with genuine curiosity.

Adolin leaned his head on Renarin’s shoulder, and Renarin pulled him into a side hug. “It’s not him, it’s his history. I’m sure you’ve heard some of it, being in Bridge Four with him, but...what he’s been through is so much more... horrifying ...than I had ever imagined. And the ways it’s affected him are horrifying too. It’s so painful to see him hurting now because of something that happened so long ago. It’s worse than scars. It’s like it’s still bleeding . I can’t help but think that all the slaves who have been freed are having similar problems. Jasnah treats it as though freeing them will be the end of the political injustice, but I can see that it’s not going to end the personal injustice. Freeing them won’t end their pain, and no one will be paying attention to it. Who will help? They’ll just be...forgotten.” Adolin sighed again.

“Sounds like you already know how you want to make a difference,” Renarin said soothingly, squeezing him and letting go. He got up to get dressed. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Adolin said, matching Renarin’s half smile. “How do you do that?”

“I don’t think I did anything,” Renarin said matter-of-factly. “I just listened.”

 

****************

 

A short time later, Renarin walked Adolin back to his rooms. They made plans to practice duelling again next week. 

“What’s your plan for tonight?” Renarin asked as they walked. 

“Shallan went out to talk to Kaladin, but she’ll be back soon,” Adolin said, “so I’ll get to spend the evening enjoying her company. I have a feeling she’ll have good news.” He grinned. “How about you? Back down to the scribing rooms, hanging out with the ladies? It’s a great angle, learning to read, you know,” Adolin winked and elbowed him.

Renarin blushed. “Um, no actually, I’m going to go down to the Bridge Four barracks and spend some time with them. Sigzil is practicing his storytelling.”

“Oh really? Is everyone going to be there?” Adolin asked casually.

“I think Skar won’t be there, but everyone else will.” Renarin held his arms behind his back as he walked, tapping his fingers against his palm behind him.

“How about Drehy?”

“Yes, he’ll be there.”

“Lopen?”

“Yes, everyone.” Renarin looked at Adolin curiously.

“Rlain?”

Renarin blushed.

“I knew it!” Adolin crowed. “You have a crush!”

But before he could lord it over his brother, Kaladin came tearing through the hall, practically flying, an oversized baby tucked under one arm. He stopped short when he saw Adolin and Renarin. 

I knew it, Adolin thought, feeling vindicated. I bet on him trusting me, and I won. His chest glowed, but he kept a straight face.

“Is there something wrong?” Renarin asked, concerned. 

Kaladin looked panicked but shook his head. “I just need to talk to Adolin for a minute.”

Adolin winked at Renarin and leaned in. “This is how he takes good news. He’ll be fine.” He patted Renarin firmly on the back.

“Well, looks like your evening is off to a great start,” Renarin said, already starting to move away. “I’ve, uh, I’m gonna go now.” He waved and turned. 

“Don’t be late for your date!” Adolin called after him as he ran.

“Adolin, I need to talk to you before Shallan gets back,” Kaladin said urgently, pulling him by his shirt into his rooms and closing the door behind the guards. 

“There’s no danger, bridgeboy,” Adolin laughed. “How about you come sit down?”

Kaladin put down the baby, but remained standing. Oroden immediately started wandering, drawn by the bright colours in the room, and Adolin’s eyes were drawn to his toddling. 

“You don’t understand,” Kaladin replied, having tensed up more, if anything. He grabbed the front of Adolin’s shirt with both hands and leaned in desperately, pulling his attention back. “It’s Shallan. She...she...gave me a priceless gift, and she said she wants to court me. I don’t know what to do!” 

Adolin frowned. “What do you mean, you don’t know what to do? Don’t you love her? I’ve seen the way you look at her, how you talk about her.”

Kaladin trembled, biting his lip. “You...You know I respect your marriage…” he croaked. His face was pale; he looked like he was going to be sick.

Adolin laughed, hugging him close, and slapped him on the back. “Yes love, you can be honourable and respectful and be with my wife if you want to,” he said into Kaladin’s ear. He pulled away, holding his shoulders firmly and looking him in his tearful brown eyes. “You’ve already got eyes of red and blue, why not jump in with both feet and drown in love?” He smiled his best, most dazzling smile to encourage him.

Tears poured down Kaladin’s face. He threw his arms around Adolin and cried, letting go completely, wracked with sobs. He clutched Adolin, his arms wrapped around his neck. “I...I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to lose you both. I can’t…” he whispered into the crook of Adolin’s neck.

Adolin just held him. 

Eventually, Kaladin pulled back, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I’m sorry Adolin. I guess I just really needed to hear it from you that this is okay. It’s been a very long day.” He got up and found his baby brother, who had found a stray charcoal under the couch and was drawing on the carpet. “Oh, sorry about that too,” Kaladin said, grimacing.

“That’s the least of your worries, Kal,” Adolin replied smoothly. “We’ve got someone in charge of cleaning that up.” He grinned.

Kaladin rolled his eyes. Looks like he’s feeling better already, Adolin thought happily.

Adolin got the door for Kaladin and his baby brother. He reached out to touch Oroden’s little hand, but Kaladin was already out the door, looking warily in both directions before running down the hall to the right. As he disappeared around the corner, Shallan came crashing down the hall from the left. “Adolin!” she exclaimed, running on her tiny little legs. She rushed past the guards and jumped into his arms. Adolin pulled her in easily and, taking a step back, used her momentum to swing her around a couple times before setting her down. 

“Good news!” she exclaimed happily, then touched her face, which had been dampened by Adolin’s wet shirt. Then she saw the mess on the carpet. “Oh, I guess you know already,” she smiled, hugging him tight. 

“You know what that means.” He stepped out of the hug and put out his hand. “This is what happens when you try to tell the future.”

She dug out three emerald broams and slapped them down. “We’re all going to Damnation anyway. I could have sworn he would freak out in his own rooms…”

 

********************

 

Kaladin

 

Back at his rooms, Kaladin sat at the table, staring at the fabrial. He still hadn’t touched it.  

“Kaladin?” Syl asked. “I know that sometimes feeling good makes you feel bad. Is this one of those times? ‘Cause it seems like it should feel really good!”

“Yeah, it should, shouldn’t it?” he replied, touching his fingers to the table. 

“Well come on, dummy, what do you feel? Didn’t we just learn today that it’s better to talk about it?” Her hands were on her hips, and her expression was severe. Kaladin smiled.

“Of course, you’re right Syl,” he said. “Today has been a very long day and I think I’m feeling a hundred different things.” He sighed. “Yeah, I’m exhausted. Maybe I’ll just sleep on it tonight.” 

Oroden climbed into his lap and started grabbing for the fabrial.

“Whoops, can’t have that,” Kaladin said, scooping it up. “Let’s put this away for safekeeping.” He stood, putting Oroden down again, and quickly went to his room. He put the fabrial in a drawer, then took it out again, placing it on top of the dresser instead. I might actually look forward to going to sleep tonight. I wonder if it will help. A complicated feeling settled into his chest, uncomfortable but not unwelcome.

He turned back and closed the door behind him. He slapped his knees in front of his little brother. “Time to play rockbud!” he said, getting down to the floor. 

“Hewe come the wains!” Oroden sang, tickling him.

I could buy my parents tickets to one of those star watching mountain tours, he thought as he stretched open like a vine. That would get me more time with Shallan after Oroden goes to sleep…

Wait, what happened to taking time to think about it?

Syl giggled.

Notes:

Renarin you are the best brother ever, and you sly boy you've been macking on Rlain!

I hope you can see what I'm setting up here for Adolin... 👀

And Adolin and Shallan making a bet on where Kaladin would have a breakdown made me cackle as I wrote it, I hope you enjoyed it!

Chapter 22: Stormblessed

Summary:

Shallan and Kaladin start figuring out their relationship. Kaladin blesses her safehand.

Notes:

CW safehand kink, oral sex

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

Three days after their first meeting at Kaladin’s rooms, Shallan returned. She had been insufferably happy and excited, unable to concentrate on anything, and couldn’t wait to see him again. This time, Kaladin’s parents had already left for the evening when she arrived. She and Kaladin had spent time playing with Oroden again, and Kaladin’s little brother had been a delight. She remembered what Wit had told her a couple years ago - 'You will have to see the truth before you can expand upon it, just as a man should know the law before he breaks it.’  Was it really just a couple years? It felt like it had been a lifetime ago.

Shallan couldn’t understand how it could be so simple. It might seem strange to admire a baby, but he’s so good at being happy when he’s happy and angry when he doesn’t get his way. Kaladin was right - I can learn about honesty from Oroden. Looking at Oroden, she couldn’t imagine it ever having been like that for her, and when she brought it up to Kaladin, he agreed for himself. 

“My parents say that I was a bit more serious than Oroden, but overall I loved to play and explore. I remember exploring with, with Tien, but I don’t remember ever being so happy and carefree,” he frowned.

Later, in Kaladin’s bedroom, with the light of the fabrial glowing gently, she thought there might be a second chance for both of them - for honesty and for play. 

They sat side by side on his bed, neither one speaking, both nervous. I really want this to go well, but I’m not sure what kind of relationship he even wants.

Shallan thought of Oroden’s straightforward nature. “Kaladin, what kind of relationship do you want?” Her stomach tightened but she held on.

Kaladin’s looked down. “I’m glad you didn’t ask what you can do to make me happy.” He sighed. “I don’t really know. I really don’t want to mess this up. I don’t seem to have much luck with women.”

“You don’t have to tell me that - I’ve seen it.” Shallan laughed. “But your bad luck is my good luck.” 

“Hm,” Kaladin mused. “I suppose I haven’t seen it that way before.” He looked at her slyly. “One thing I’ve learned lately is if I don’t know, I should try out different things to find out what I like and don’t like.” That sounds like fun, she thought. 

“Oooh, experimentation!” she joked out loud. “And without a safehand glove? So risque! It might just make me blush!” She fanned her face with her freehand. Kaladin rolled his eyes and put out his left hand for her to kiss. She looked at it for a moment, stunned, and Kaladin laughed. 

“You’re seeing a lady’s safehand and you’re not going to help her save her modesty?” he said, mocking an air of astonishment. 

“Oh, goodness!” Shallan exclaimed. “Better hide it!” Well, I know he likes my hair... She pulled his hand and plunged it into the hair at the back of her head, burying it in her loose curls. He held his hand there for a moment, then carefully ran his fingers through it. It felt delightful to have him so close.

“So what do you know so far? What do you like, besides my hair?” She asked, leaning closer now that they were entangled. She batted her eyelashes coyly.

“I do like your hair, and I like the way you dress. Even if you dress like a lighteyes,” he said, smirking. “I like the way you smile. It always makes me feel better. I like your jokes. It pushes back the darkness.” She closed her eyes, soaking in the compliments. His touch felt so good, even if it was just her hair. 

She opened her eyes again, making eye contact. “Do you like the way I kiss?” It was a calculated risk. She tilted her head and smiled her most dazzling Shallan smile. Kaladin tilted his head too, smiling back knowingly. Stoooorms.

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried it. I’ve heard good things though,” Kaladin joked. This is it!, she thought triumphantly. He leaned in and touched his lips to hers. Kaladin’s lips were dry and warm, and she reached her arms around his sides to pull their bodies closer. 

Kaladin pulled her up onto his lap. “You need all the height you can get. Look at you, you can barely reach me,” he murmured. He wrapped an arm around her and grasped the base of her skull, supporting her neck as he tilted her head back. Her lips opened of their own accord as he leaned down to meet them. Oh Heralds, this is better than I thought it would be, she thought, feeling a heat developing deep down inside. She put her hands on his chest, feeling his solid warmth, the calm rise and fall of his breath.

Kaladin used his other hand to explore her shape, feeling the curve of her back and waist. Shallan arched her back to bring her body closer to his and moaned lightly. She slid her hands around his back, then shifted her body’s weight back out of Kaladin’s lap, and suddenly he was laying her down on the bed, her knees laying across his lap, his body twisting and leaning to maintain the kiss. Kaladin’s hand moved around to her front, caressing her belly and breasts through her havah. She explored his shoulders, his muscular back. After a few moments of enjoying each other, Kaladin pulled back. He had a crooked smile.

“Your mouth is so small,” he said, sounding confused. “You feel so...delicate.” 

Shallan got up on her elbows. “ I’m normal sized. You’re practically a chasmfiend. It’s not my fault I can’t reach your ass.” She grinned.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kaladin said. “Do you need some help?” He lifted her legs off him, got onto the bed, and bent his ass over her face.

“Ugh, those storming pants!” She joked. “I just wanted to feel what’s underneath, I didn’t want to have to see those ugly things!” Nevertheless, she grabbed at his ass with both hands, and gave him a slap for good measure.

He fell down on the bed beside her, chuckling. “Shallan,” he said seriously, “You’re good for me.”

“I’m really glad you said yes,” she replied happily. “I’d like to do you more good if I can…” she looked pointedly at his pants.

Kaladin blushed. The pants were bulging, but she resisted the urge to touch because she could sense he was hesitant. 

“I’m starting to guess what you want out of this relationship,” he said, looking down and then back at her again. 

“I want to explore every part of you Kaladin. I want to be as close to you as you’ll allow.” Shallan whispered, feeling a little desperate. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” He smiled, but she could sense his worry. Interesting answer, I wonder what that means? Maybe he truly doesn’t know what he wants. Adolin said I should be careful how I touch him. I wonder...

They were laying on their sides, facing each other. She leaned in and kissed him again, this time their mouths opening a little more, kissing more deeply. Kaladin grabbed her face with both hands, then touched her hair. She ran her freehand down his side, his hip. She couldn’t quite reach his ass. Instead, she snuggled in close, feeling the pressure of his cock against her havah. 

Kaladin pulled back. “Shallan, you should know before we do anything...more...that there are some things I can’t do. I know I’ve said this before, but I respect your marriage. I would never want to compromise you in any way, and that includes pregnancy. So I will never penetrate your vagina with my penis.” 

Shallan nodded. See Navani, you didn’t have to worry. “Yes, I agree…” for now. The two words were left unspoken in her mind, words that surprised her. What is that about? Don’t get ahead of yourself Shallan. 

“Is there anything else I need to know?” she asked.

Kaladin looked at her a long time, apparently considering. “If anything were to come up, I’d tell you, and it would be really important to stop right away. But right now I’m feeling pretty good. Huh.” He looked into the distance, grinned and shook his head. “How about you?”

Shallan met his grin. “Just don’t mess up my hair or my havah. I still have to get home after this.”

Their kissing grew more serious, more intense. Kaladin wrapped a leg over hers. They strained and pressed against each other, each trying to maximize how much of their bodies were touching. 

It feels like he’s interested but he’s also holding back, she thought. Does he want me to lead, or is he hesitating for another reason?

Eventually Kaladin pulled out of the kiss. His face looked breathless, flushed. I couldn’t believe that I could love him more, but here it is. She blinked, taking a Memory. He smiled shyly and said, “I don’t have much experience, so how about you tell me what you want, and I’ll do that.” His hands ran along the buttons of her havah, and she shivered. 

“Would you like a tour then?” she laughed. He leaned away from her to give her room, watching. Shallan sat up and began undressing, starting with her safehand sleeve, undoing the buttons and buttoning the sleeve back, then exposing her safehand, revealing her soft skin and manicured nails. She laughed as Kaladin’s eyes almost popped out.

“Can I…?” he asked reverently. She nodded, smiling. He touched her naked safehand, bringing her palm up to his lips. He kissed it gently, then grinned. “Shallan, I have an idea.” He jumped off the bed and ran out of the room. What could he be getting? He came back a moment later with his mother’s pen. 

“Can I write a glyph on your safehand? You have to tell me the look on Adolin’s face when he sees it.” He smiled wickedly.

“He will go crazy for it,” she laughed. “And I would love proof that what we did today wasn’t just a dream.” Shallan put out her safehand, palm up. 

“I claim this hand for Kaladin Stormblessed. I was here -” he kissed her index finger. “And I was here, and here -” he kissed her other fingers in turn, looking in her eyes and smiling. “I was here.” He kissed her wrist, sending a shock through her body, straight to her woman’s gemheart.

“Oh, Vev,” she moaned, “Kaladin, do that again!”

He kissed and licked her wrist, making Shallan swell with lust. “Forget the glyph, I need you to do something else first.”

Forgetting the rest of her havah, Shallan reached under her skirts and pulled off her underwear, swinging them off a finger of her safehand before throwing them behind her. She smiled salaciously and lifted her skirts, inviting Kaladin down. He turned onto his hands and knees and started kissing her legs, starting at her knees and moving up the inside of her thighs. She grasped his hair, pulling it back out of his face and holding it. He kissed her outer lips, and she moaned. He looked up at her. 

“What would you like me to do next, my Horneater Princess?” he winked. 

“Bite here - just little bite - then lick here,” she replied, getting into the accent. “Move tongue in many circle. You suck this - little first, then big.” She pointed regally. 

Kaladin laughed and followed orders. Oh he takes direction well, she thought, grasping his gorgeous tousled hair, pulling his face towards the right spot. 

They moved together until they were one rhythm. His licks and kisses felt strangely chaste, considering the situation, and she sighed into them, feeling totally relaxed. Pressure started to build from her core, pleasure spreading like a river from her belly down between her legs, swirling in a pool, expanding from where Kaladin’s tongue circled. She moaned with the sensation. 

“Quieter, Princess,” he said, his mouth muffled. “If you wake Oroden, I have to stop.” 

She bit her hand. 

The pleasure built up, causing her hips to move of their own volition. Kaladin started to hum, and suddenly the river of pleasure became a waterfall. Her orgasm thrummed from deep inside, clenching muscles she didn’t know she had. She lost the ability to think - she drowned in her expanded consciousness.

Kaladin hummed harder, and she came harder, riding another wave of pleasure. 

He switched to sucking and licking and she came again, digging even deeper, and exploded onto Kaladin, putting the last of her control into not shouting.

He held her through her spasms, gently placing his warm tongue flat against her. She sighed deeply, then realized she had been holding his head in place. She let go and he lifted his head. It dawned on her what she’d just done. Oh Almighty. His face was drenched and...his eyes were glowing. He’d drawn Stormlight to hold his breath. Whoops. His head free, he stretched the muscles in his face, looking up at her seriously.

“Was that okay? I wasn’t sure about whether to keep going or not but -”

She laughed and let her head fall back onto the bed. “Kaladin, I’m sorry I trapped your face there. That was amazing. It’s exactly what I wanted.” Her mind was drunk from pleasure, her body riding the afterglow of her orgasms. She was relieved and deeply relaxed, and she felt a little bit like crying. I made this happen for me. She was proud of herself.

Kaladin got up and left the room. Shallan laid in a gentle daze, then suddenly remembered what she’d done to his face, and presumably, her havah. Storms and Everstorms. She flushed with embarrassment. She sat up and took a look - sure enough, she’d soaked her havah and probably the bed underneath too. Talenel give me strength.  

Kaladin returned with a clean, dry face and a large towel. He got to work quickly, wiping Shallan from gem to ass, towelling her legs, and blotted her havah to absorb as much as he could. Then he sat back and looked at her with a curious expression. 

“Thanks,” Shallan said softly. Her embarrassment shifted into gratitude. She felt cared for, and it was almost as sweet a feeling as her afterglow. She got up on her knees and leaned in towards him as he put the towel down on top of the wet spot. She kissed him lightly. 

“And what can this Princess do for her Knight?” she asked.

“Well,” Kaladin said. He looked down and to the side, considering. “No,” he murmured, then shook his head. She sat and watched him. He looks like he’s really conflicted about something. Is he doing this just to please me? Does he not want me to please him? A knot formed in her stomach. 

“Did I make you feel like you owe me something?” Shallan asked, putting a hand on his knee. “You know I was joking before, right? I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do…”

He looked at her, shaken. “No, no, Shallan, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said, leaning in to kiss her lightly. “Kelek, this is more difficult to ask for than I thought. Um, I want you to kiss my cock...but I don’t want to orgasm in your mouth.” He adopted a far-off look. “It’s just a preference. Just aim my cock at my stomach when I tell you. And if I ask you to stop, you need to stop right away.” He looked at her with concern. “Is that too weird?”

“Not at all,” Shallan said, tying up her hair. “It’s only weird if you make it weird, you weirdo. I’m most excited about getting those pants off you…”

“Wait!” Kaladin said, alarmed. “Actually...” he relaxed again, laying on his back and unbuckling his belt. “Actually, yeah, go for it. You’ve earned it, having to look at them all this time.” He smiled nervously, pulling them down a little bit to get her started.

There’s something he’s not telling me. I’d better be extra careful. 

Encouraged nevertheless, Shallan took direction and gently removed his pants, kissing his legs as she went. Throwing the pants aside with feigned disgust, she turned her attention to his hardening length. Delighted, Shallan placed herself between Kaladin’s legs and double checked that her safehand sleeve was tucked away securely. She leaned over and gave herself a tour of Kaladin’s body, kissing his thighs, feeling their heat emanating against her face. Kaladin shifted slightly, then stilled.

She kissed his spheres gently and nuzzled in his pubic hair. She placed her hands on his thighs, rubbing them, as she licked him from hilt to tip with a wide, wet tongue. He gasped and she checked his face quickly. His eyes were closed, his mouth open, his damp hair stuck to his face. He looks relaxed. Good. She used her freehand to grasp the base of his shaft, and her safehand to reach underneath his spheres, rolling them in her fingers. He looked down at her, knowing she was using both hands, and his head hit the bed again. 

He didn’t moan. She didn’t expect him to. Listening carefully, she could hear variations in the way he breathed. As she placed her mouth over the head of his spear, she could hear his breath hitch, then release slowly. She slowly and gently lowered her mouth further onto him, quickly hitting the back of her throat, and used her hand to make up the difference, gathering saliva to enhance the sensation. 

Kaladin’s voice rumbled deep from above. “I still can’t get over how small your mouth is. It’s so...different.” 

Shallan popped her head up, continuing the motion with her freehand. “Bad different?” she asked. “Because I don’t think you want my mouth any bigger...” she quipped.

Kaladin chuckled. “No, it’s good different. I like it.” 

“I thought so,” she smiled. “Now let’s see how many spheres I can fit in there.” She licked Kaladin’s spheres and his hips shifted with the motion as she continued stroking him. She moved her mouth back to his shaft and she could feel it swelling with heat and pressure. She increased her tempo, and Kaladin moaned lightly. He touched the sides of her face gently. That’s how I should have done it, she thought. 

Suddenly he motioned to lift her head, and he said, “Now.” She lifted her head up to see if he was asking her to stop, but he was leaning back, his breathing heavy, his face reddening, his hands still touching her face. So, still stroking him, she aimed his spear at his belly. Impulsively, she put her safehand in front of it to catch his come. She watched him as he came into her safehand, his eyes closed, his face tight, then relaxed. He looked up as she grabbed the towel and he laughed out loud. 

“Did you just -” 

“Yeah, sure, why not? You’ve already seen it, I might as well use it.” She wiped her hand on the towel, smiling.

He laughed again, long and hard, covering his mouth so he didn’t wake his brother. His head dropped back to the bed and he wiped his eyes, sighing. “My life has been full of impossible things, but that might just be the best one.” He sat up. “Now drawing a glyph on it seems less salacious.”

“Oh, we still need to do that!” Shallan squealed as quietly as she could, jumping a little on the bed. “What glyph will you do?”

“Storm, of course,” Kaladin chuckled, holding her hand steadily and starting to mark the back of it. It was a gentle, tickling sensation. He pursed his lips as he concentrated, and his eyes sparkled with mischief. 

“There, now your hand has been Stormblessed.” He winked, and she melted.

Notes:

Oh Kaladin yes you can have fun and yes you can benefit from all the hard work you've been doing lately!

Note that if you like, you can pop out and read If We Have Each Other at this point. The fic takes place between this chapter and the next one. However, you don't have to read that fic to continue enjoying from here! :)

Chapter 23: Stormstressed

Summary:

Lirin and Hesina learn what Kaladin's been up to these last few weeks.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lirin

 

It was late afternoon, almost dinner time. Lirin set the table while Hesina put some flatbreads on a plate. Oroden was getting underfoot, trying to help. Kaladin was mysteriously not home yet after taking the afternoon off.

"Have you seen Rlain since he came by the other night?" Lirin said. "I wonder how he's doing. Did I miss him the last time he came by?"

“Oh, didn’t I mention?” Hesina said. “He stopped by the clinic yesterday to say he’s doing much better now. He said that Kaladin, Highprince Adolin, and Highprincess Shallan have been helping him with his cuddling issue, and things are much better with Prince Renarin.”

Lirin nodded. "I'm proud of Rlain for asking for help. It couldn't have been easy."

Hesina smiled. "I have a feeling Rlain would do anything for Prince Renarin."

Lirin raised an eyebrow. “The man's a fool to look so high above his station, but I can’t blame a fool in love, I suppose,” he said, smiling fondly at his wife. Can’t blame a man for making the same fool decisions I did. “Besides, the man spends enough time working. And the looks he still gets from the public! Maybe he’ll look more human without the carapace, and he’ll blend in better. He deserves some happiness after everything he’s been through.”

Hesina nodded, pausing her task. “Have you noticed Kaladin has been looking happier lately?”

He had. Now that Kaladin was back in the surgery clinic, doing his real life’s work and not fighting anymore, things had settled down and he was relaxing. He had been less oppositional, too. Ever since Kaladin rescued him from his fall off Urithiru, they were starting to find a new rhythm together that worked. It felt good to have him back, and also terrifying. Anything that was given, no matter how hard earned, could be taken away at a moment’s notice, and peace was particularly delicate. 

The thought unnerved him. “Yes, happy enough that he’s started losing track of time,” he said, anxiety seeping into his voice as frustration. He put down a feminine placemat for Hesina on her side of the table, a masculine placemat for the rest of them, then cutlery for three, plus a small spoon for Oroden. “What’s gotten into him lately? Despite all the ways he’s changed, at least he’s always been either early or on time.”

Hesina shrugged, placing the curry pot on the table. “If anything, he’s starting to act more like a normal young man. If it means we get to see him smile more, it’s a trade I’m willing to make.” 

Lirin frowned. Normal young men get themselves in trouble. He poured clean water from their tap, an invention of Urithiru which had started working a few months ago. It had saved them a lot of time in getting and storing water for the clinic. “And what has he been up to? I thought he was done with the missions, the fighting. I need to know about this secret project he’s been working on. It’s been weeks and he still hasn’t told us. It had better not involve fighting.” I can’t lose my son again. In the back of his mind, it was only a matter of time before King Dalinar took Kaladin from him again.

Hesina didn’t seem to share that same fear, or at least she seemed to handle it better. “Whatever project he’s working on, I don’t think it has to do with fighting,” she smirked, putting a small bowl of mashed kuma on the masculine side of the table.

Lirin watched his wife as he grabbed Oroden and set him in his lap. Hesina took the chair closest to him and scooped some kuma on a spoon, then gave it to Oroden to spoon into his own mouth. “Oh, we forgot the bib! Hold on.” She jumped up and went to grab it.

She’s hiding something from me, he thought as he took the spoon away from Oroden. It's got to be bad if she’s not telling me. He scowled absentmindedly.

Hesina brought a long towel with two thick ribbons. She tied the ribbons behind Oroden’s neck, and laid the other end of the towel across Oroden and over Lirin’s lap to protect his pants. He glanced at her with an eyebrow raised. “Do you know something about this?” he asked softly. She often had a knack for figuring out the truth of things. Certainly she could read people like a book. Unfortunately for Lirin, people were like books for him, too. 

“Well,” Hesina responded in a conspiratorial tone, sitting down again, “I have no solid evidence but I do have clues.” She gave Oroden another spoonful, and Lirin wiped the extra. “I first noticed something odd when Highprince Adolin came to the surgery to see Kaladin. The Highprince has his own surgeon, so why wouldn’t he visit him instead? I thought he might have a concern so private that he could only tell a trusted friend.” Lirin watched Oroden drop food onto the bib, then wiped his son’s chin. 

“Tankoo mama,” Oroden said. Typical, Lirin thought. 

Oroden got the next spoonful in his mouth easily. “Kuma!” he exclaimed.

“Yum,” Lirin agreed. “Hm. Something that private is usually either feces or sex related.” 

“Yes, my thoughts exactly,” Hesina responded. “And given that the Highprincess hasn’t become pregnant yet, I wondered if he had a concern about fertility.”

“Of course,” Lirin said. “Yes, that would make sense...either his or Brightlady Shallan’s. It seemed odd that she would come here to visit, but if she is wishing for a child, it would make sense for her to come visit this one and get some experience with the cutest baby in Urithiru!” He squeezed Oroden’s chin, and his son giggled.

“I cute!” Oroden agreed, taking another bite, then spitting it out. “Play now?”

Lirin grabbed his squirming son and sat him still. “Three more bites and then you can play.”

He turned back to his wife. “But you said before that you suspected Kaladin was visiting Highprince Adolin every week. Why would he need to do that? Fertility treatments don’t need to be supervised.”

“I wondered about that too,” Hesina said. “Two more bites, Oroden! It doesn’t quite add up, does it? But Kal has been doing work with the battle shocked soldiers and I wondered if they might be working together to help cure Kal’s battle shock. He has been increasingly, well, pleasant, in the past few weeks. He’s starting to look comfortable in his own skin. Case in point, he was willing to hug us and Rlain the other evening.”

“Good point. He’s been laughing more as well,” Lirin said thoughtfully, then frowned. “Although I have heard him crying at night, too.”

“I’ll take crying over the dead silence that used to hang over his head,” Hesina said emphatically. “One more bite please, love. Just oooone more.”

“Very true,” Lirin agreed. If he can figure out how to cure battle shock, he could become the most illustrious surgeon in Roshar! Finally, he could live up to his potential. I knew he had it in him.

Just then, Kaladin arrived, humming a tune as he removed his boots by the door. 

“Ah, you made it. Just in time for adult dinner,” Hesina said, taking off Oroden’s bib. Lirin set him down and checked to make sure his whole face was clean, then let him go.

“Kagadin!” Oroden squealed, running to Kal. “Kagadin, fwy me!!” Kaladin picked him up and gave him a big hug, then put him down again. 

“You just ate, Oroden, we don’t want another messy incident,” he said, tickling his tummy. Kal sat down next to Lirin, and Oroden insisted on climbing onto a chair on Kaladin's other side to stand, hands on table, watching Kaladin intently. Lirin rolled his eyes. Hesina moved the bowls out of Oroden’s reach, and Kaladin put a toy on the table with which his brother could occupy himself.

Lirin took a closer look at his eldest child. Kaladin’s face had cleared up greatly - not just that the horrible slave brands were gone, but his face seemed more open, relaxed. He wasn't holding his shoulders as tight. Hesina is right, he thought. Maybe his battle shock is clearing up. What has he been doing?

Kaladin put some food out for himself, grabbed a flatbread and got to eating. Even his eating is more enthusiastic these days. “Thank you for making dinner,” Kaladin said. “How was the clinic after I left? Did Yon come back for his salve?”

“Yes he did,” Lirin responded, serving himself. “And Talba finally brought her child in. The injury turned out to be quite infected, but we cleared out the rotspren. She should bring him back tomorrow to change the bandages.”

“Your father wasn’t even that judgmental this time,” Hesina said preeningly. “I think she might actually return!” She winked at Lirin and he huffed. 

“That’s good,” Kaladin said, smiling. There’d be no question that she would come back for Captain Kaladin, but everything comes easy to him, Lirin thought, irritated. He looked back and forth between Kaladin and Hesina, who were chewing in a thoughtful silence. What do they know that I don't? Oroden reached for Kaladin’s food, so he broke off a small piece of flatbread and offered it to him. “Yum,” Kaladin said encouragingly. 

“He’s already eaten,” Lirin said stiffly. Why must he take everything I do and throw it back in my face, like I’m not good enough? He has no respect for anyone. 

“Another bite won’t hurt him,” Kaladin responded coolly, a familiar tension returning to his voice.

Hesina stared at Lirin with a look that meant, Do not aggravate him if you want answers from him. After so many years, he understood her facial expressions perfectly. He cleared his throat. 

“Ah - hm. Maybe you’re right. Ah - how was your afternoon, Kal?” Lirin ventured.

“Fine,” Kal responded flatly. He continued eating in silence.

Lirin looked at Hesina hopelessly, and she took the lead. “Kal, we’re curious about how you’re spending your time. Are you working on some kind of project with Highprince Adolin? Are you doing a mission for King Dalinar?”

Kal stared at his food. “No. I’m not doing a mission for Dalinar.” He looked uncomfortable.

Lirin leaned forward. He didn't deny a special project with the Highprince. “Does this have to do with your work on battle shock?”

Hesina chimed in. “You’ve been looking so much happier lately, more effusive and relaxed. It makes us happy to think that you might be making headway with your mental disease.”

“Happy?” Lirin said, his curiosity about battle shock taking over. “Why, we’re impressed! Kaladin, the change in you has been notable. What are you doing with the Highprince that’s got you smiling and laughing again? Are you documenting the treatments? Is Adolin treating you or are you just using his rooms to treat yourself?”

“Is anyone else participating?” Hesina added. “Is Brightlady Shallan involved in your treatments?” 

Kal blushed profusely. He stammered, looking from Hesina to Lirin and back to his food. Lirin and Hesina looked at each other - Oh this is something different! - the look said. Kal glanced at the door, then his spren Sylphrena appeared, standing on the table, wearing a fancy looking havah with no safehand sleeve. 

Oroden clapped. “Syw!” he exclaimed. 

“Okay, you knew this was going to happen at some point.” Syl was facing Kal, apparently coaching him. “You can do this. Just be honest - it’s okay!”

“It’s not okay Syl,” Kaladin murmured, just within hearing range of Lirin. Oh no, what has he done? He looked to Hesina, worried, and she gave him a silent warning to keep calm. 

“It’s okay Kal,” Hesina assured him. “You can tell us. Whatever it is. Surgeon-patient confidentiality.” She cut a look at Lirin that said don’t mess this up. Lirin gulped and tried to put on his surgeon’s mask. Dispassionate yet compassionate.

Kal closed his eyes and let out a long breath. “Father, Mother, I - I have been spending time with Adolin because…” he opened his eyes and looked at Lirin. “Because I’m courting him.”

“You’re WHAT?” Lirin’s voice cracked with intensity, his mask immediately broken. He leaned in and hissed at Kal. “You’re committing adultery with a Highprince ? I thought you wanted to stay out of the business of Lighteyes! Isn’t this the opposite? And isn’t the Highprincess your friend ?”

Lirin pinched the bridge of his nose at the same time as Kaladin. Hesina snorted and picked up Oroden, who looked from Kal to Lirin, wide-eyed and quiet. 

Kal slowly sat up straight, pushing his plate away and crossing his arms. He glanced at Syl, then looked Lirin in the eyes. “Closer than friends. Actually, I’m courting her too. I’m courting both of them. They each know the other is courting me. They are supportive of it. In fact, it was Shallan’s idea that Adolin and I should...”

Kal’s words were drowned out by the thoughts rushing through Lirin’s head like highstorm winds. He is not just courting a high ranking lighteyes, he’s courting the storming son of King Dalinar? AND his daughter? We’re all going to die. There’s no way this can go well. It will end, and we will all be punished. Maybe Kal will be executed and we’ll all be forced to watch. We’ll be exiled at best. Oh storms...

Kal and Hesina had continued talking, Hesina bringing out more of the story. How could she possibly stay so calm? “So the night that Brightlady Shallan came over, she brought you a fabrial? That sounds expensive.”

“Mother, you have no idea. It’s actually been helping me get back to sleep when I have nightmares. I’ll show you, if you like.” Hesina nodded encouragingly.

Kal got up and went to his room. Hesina raised her eyebrows as though to say, Are you sufficiently recovered from your panic to rejoin us and support your son? Lirin scowled back, There is no amount of time that will let me recover from this. He felt like his heart had stopped.

Kal returned with a device that contained a small, intricately cut emerald. “This gem came from Lasting Integrity, an Honorspren city in Shadesmar. Shallan and Queen Navani created the fabrial housing.” He placed it gently on the table and kept his hands near it in a protective gesture. 

Lirin was drawn in by the flowing design and the subdued, glowing blue that infused it. He looked closer. “What’s that?” he pointed, curious despite himself.

“That is a dial that turns the Lightweaving on and off. Shallan created it. It’s an image of the three of us together.” He turned the dial, and above it, three small people appeared, hanging in the air above the fabrial, casting a soft blue glow. Sure enough, there was the Highprince, the Highprincess, and Kal in the middle. They were touching Kal’s shoulder and smiling at him. 

Lirin surprised himself by saying, “That is...beautiful.” In the abstract, the prospect was terrifying. But looking at these faces, he couldn’t argue the truth that there was love there, and caring. The way they held each side of him looked comforting, secure. Maybe if the Highprince loves him, he could keep Dalinar from sending him off. Maybe they could protect him...

Lirin removed his glasses and rubbed his face, looking down. “And this is why you’ve been so much more relaxed, happier...” he said thickly, not looking at either of them. Nevertheless, he could feel Hesina’s quizzical gaze.

“Yes,” Kal acknowledged. 

And I thought he was getting comfortable in the surgery, feeling happier because he was doing what he was meant to be doing. I am one of the ten fools. He felt sick.

“Does this have anything to do with your battle shock? Is it a coincidence, or is something about the relationship helping you?” Lirin asked, shaking himself out of his sadness with his methodical curiosity. 

Kal looked irritated, then thoughtful. “I think it’s both,” he said finally. “The conversations we’ve had have fed into how I relate to them, and I have learned things and used them to improve my relationship with them. Plus, there’s something about Adolin...” he trailed off.

Lirin was curious. “What kind of things are you learning? How does improving your relationship ease your battle shock?”

Kal blushed. “I- uh- well…” he ran his fingers through his hair. Unhygienic. He had never gotten Kal free from that nervous habit. He must not have much information yet.

Hesina jumped in. “I’m sure Kal is working with a scribe to write down his findings,” she said. “Maybe with Brightlady Shallan?” 

Kal nodded slowly. “Yeees. My findings are pretty preliminary and they haven’t been replicated in other people, so I don’t want to give you any false information.”

Lirin nodded back. “Ok. I guess I’ll just have to hold onto my curiosity. I’ll look forward to having Hesina read me the report when it is ready. This could be the beginning of a very important project. If you can find a way to cure battle shock - it could transform Roshar into a peaceful place!”

Kal’s mouth pulled into a tight line. “Sure, Father,” he nodded.

Hesina gave Kaladin a wry look. "Rlain told me that you and the Highprince and Highprincess have been helping him with his cuddling issue...That was just cuddling, right?"

Kal blushed and covered his face. "Almighty, Mother, yes. It was family getting together to help family, just like you said."

Kaladin's spren appeared and gave a thumbs up. "Yep, Pattern and I were there! It looked like it was a lot of fun."

Hesina put her elbows on the table, resting her beautiful smile on her hands. How is she taking this so well? She wiggled in her seat. “So, when are we going to have the Highprince and Highprincess over for dinner?”

Kal and Lirin snapped their heads to her.

“Oh Lirin, we’re going to need more chairs!” There was no room for argument when she was that eager. 

Not that he would want to argue. If we have them over, I can make sure they will protect him, he thought. 

They have to protect him. Stormfather knew he had already failed.

Notes:

I love writing Lirin. He's where Kaladin inherited his depressed and anxious thoughts (not that he'd ever admit that). What a goober.

Also three year olds learn fast, so Oroden has graduated from Gagadin to Kagadin!

Lamaery made fanart for this chapter! Enjoy :)

A digital illustration of the Stormblesseds by Lamaery. Kaladin and Lirin sit at opposite ends of a small table, and Hesina sits facing the viewer, with baby Oroden in her lap. Kaladin and Lirin mirror each other, both leaning their heads down with a frown and pinching the bridge of their noses. Hesina looks towards Kaladin with a knowing smirk. Oroden looks at Lirin with wide, concerned eyes.

Chapter 24: Abrasion

Summary:

Adolin and Kaladin have anal sex. Adolin feels worn out and insecure. Kaladin wears a safehand glove. They talk about Adolin’s plan to improve the lives of former slaves.

Notes:

This was a tough chapter to write! I hope you didn't feel like you were waiting too long.

CW anal sex, safehand kink, discussion of slavery, discussion of social justice from oppressor perspective

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Adolin stood in front of the mirror in his dressing room, examining whether there were bags developing under his eyes. He was tired. It had been two weeks since Kaladin and Shallan started courting, and Adolin was warmed by being around so much happiness. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be improving his sleep at all. He'd been having nightmares about Kaladin's glowing eyes and his stories of suffering at the hands of lighteyes. Whenever he awoke, stubborn questions lingered. The first time we were together, did he think he had to become Radiant to be my equal? Does he see me as any different than the lighteyes who abused him? Am I? I didn't do anything to stop it. There are thousands just like him still out there. It was as though he could feel the weight of their need. A nameless, haunted, hollow feeling lingered in his stomach beneath his already swirling emotions about tonight. 

Adolin was determined that he wouldn't let his personal insecurity get in the way of his time with Kaladin. Instead, he focused on his clothes, turning this way and that in the mirror. He had decided to avoid a military style tonight and opted for a more flowy and layered, almost Azish style. Maroon was becoming a favoured colour for men; however, Adolin had decided he’d had enough of drab and dark. He’d seen brighter colours on men in Kholinar and even the Shattered Plains. Not Thanadal’s horrible burnt orange, of course; instead, he had taken the inspiration of maroon and elevated it to a brighter amethyst colour which he believed would make him shine, even amongst other Highprinces and other high ranking Lighteyes. Plus, it would have matched Kaladin’s jacket . He wore a simple brown belt with a pattern of vines etched into it, to feel closer to Maya. Since Shadesmar, he could feel her presence growing stronger - a gentle yet stable part of him, anchoring him. After the nightmares started, though, she seemed to be more anxious, urging him to do something, but he didn't know what.

As he stood thinking, Shallan stepped in from behind and wrapped her arms around him. “Wow! That looks different...in a good way,” she said. “You know there are creationspren popping up around you. You truly are an artist with your clothes. Ooo, it feels nice, too.” She ran her hands across his chest, obviously enjoying the sensation.

“I hope I didn’t overdo it. I wouldn’t want him to think the clothes are nicer than the man,” Adolin joked, still feeling a bit insecure. He turned and gave her a long kiss, allowing her to fully appreciate the softness of the fabric across his body. He felt her smile against his lips and he relaxed into it, letting go a bit of his anxiety. 

Tonight was going to be special. He could feel it building up the last few times they'd been together. Kaladin seemed more confident and relaxed. He was still serious in the bedroom, and still broke down sometimes. But increasingly, he could feel a change. Different, but also more Kaladin than ever. His pain is receding, and his personality is showing through more . He joked easily with Shallan and Adolin, and he kept up conversations longer. Others had noticed it too - when they went to the tavern together, he was more social, although he still stuck to yellows and oranges.

Adolin had something he’d been wanting to try for a while, and he hoped that tonight would be the night he could broach the subject. A little thrill of excitement ran through him. 

“Oh, I think he’s here,” Shallan said, hearing a noise. “I’ll go say hello.”

Adolin looked at himself one last time. I hope he doesn’t fall apart again. I really need this to be an easy night. He sighed. He'd agreed to go flying with Kaladin, and the possibility of fighting nausea and consoling him felt like a lot. He frowned briefly, feeling guilty, then covered it up with a smile again. No, tonight will be special no matter what happens. He nodded to himself. 

He heard giggling and kissing in the other room. It was odd to hear, but it made him smile. He had worried that he might feel jealous, but he didn’t. 

Then again, he was envious . When he had seen the storm glyph on Shallan’s safehand, she had mentioned that he had come onto her hand when she was kissing his cock. She had thought he would find it arousing - and he did - but it also confused him. He said he couldn’t let me kiss him there. He told me that horrible story from his time as a slave. Was that an excuse? 

He shook his head, chasing out the thoughts. That’s not for tonight , he thought. Tonight will be great.

He stepped into the main room and gasped. Kaladin was there, holding a small medical bag. He was wearing his full outfit - brown pants, black shirt, and his black-and-amethyst jacket. He was also wearing a sheepish smile while Shallan tortured him with jibes. 

“The brown and black clashes so terribly. Imagine all the headaches your outfit will cause the ladies!” she teased.

“The only headache here is you, Shallan,” Kaladin drawled, crossing his arms. Adolin could see a tug at the corner of his mouth, hinting at a smile. "Besides, no one has complained about my brown eyes and black hair." He sniffed and stuck his nose in the air playfully.

“Stop threatening him with scores of desperate women,” Adolin said, approaching them. “If you keep teasing him, he’ll never look this fashionable again.”

He pretended to chase Shallan away with his flailing hands, then he turned to admire Kaladin. I’m glad I chose the amethyst today, he thought, smiling as he stepped in close to wrap his arms around him. They kissed, and a couple passionspren popped up. 

“Well, that’s my cue,” Shallan said, smiling. She blinked and Adolin knew she had taken a Memory of them. 

“Where are you going tonight?” Kaladin asked.

“Tonight, I’m headed to the gardens with some of the Lightweavers in training,” she said. “I’m getting back into biology drawings. It feels good to be drawing plants again.” She had started doing sketches of Urithiru’s plant life, and giving the trainees practice in making light sources. She said it created opportunities for interesting collaborations, and certainly produced strange and beautiful drawings. She left with her sketchbook, blowing them kisses.

“That sounds good,” Kaladin said, looking at the closing door. “She’s getting back to her roots.” He turned to Adolin and smiled.

Adolin rolled his eyes at the pun and switched topics. “I’m so happy you wore this again. What changed your mind?” he asked, straightening the jacket.

“Well, we’ve been going out in public more, and I ended up telling my parents about us, and…I don’t know. It doesn't feel quite as embarrassing anymore,” Kaladin shrugged. If that’s what was holding him back, maybe I can take him to the tailor again, Adolin thought. I pressured him the first time. I want to know what he would choose for himself...

“That must have been an interesting conversation. What did old Lirin say?” Adolin asked instead. I’ll ask him about the tailor later. I don’t want to seem too eager.

“Actually, after his first reaction, he took it surprisingly well,” Kaladin said thoughtfully. “I was shocked. I think the fabrial Lightweaving helped.” Adolin smiled. I swear Shallan is getting better at Lightweaving, he thought, remembering when she showed it to him. 

Kaladin continued. “I’m pretty sure my mother knew already. It’s hard to hide anything from her. Oh, by the way, you’re both invited for dinner sometime soon. My mother is very excited to meet you as my...uh...” he was lost for words. “I don’t know what to call our relationship, actually.”

What are we, anyway? They couldn't be betrothed. Lovers? Really good friends? Partners in sexy crimes? 

“You and I? We're boyfriends, I think?” Adolin said, uncertain. “I guess I’ve never thought about it before.” That was probably the wrong thing to say. He felt anxiety slice through his belly. You know how to get them but you don't know how to keep them... 

A worried look swept across Kaladin’s face as their eyes met, then it passed, and he shrugged. “Well anyway, you two might have to bring your own chairs. And no, Hesina won’t accept an invitation here as a replacement. We'll all have to squeeze in together.”

“I’m sure we’ll make do,” Adolin cooed, trying to cover his rising insecurity. He spun towards the wine shelf, looking for a particular vintage, his frustration at his mistake lending him a frantic energy. “Oh I have the perfect wine to bring! I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.” He looked, his fingers touching the bottles almost at random, trying to remember what colour it was. Then he froze, realizing the wine he was thinking of would probably cost much more than Kaladin’s family would be comfortable with. 

Kaladin walked up behind him and put a soothing hand on his back. "We're not going right now, Adolin. You can find the wine some other time.” Adolin turned and Kaladin looked deep in his eyes. "Are you nervous about going to dinner with my family? You know you're a Highprince, right? You're pretty impressive." Kaladin smiled and pulled him into a hug, arms around his waist. 

How can I explain that being a Highprince is part of the problem? Adolin thought . He couldn't find the right words. He'd never felt like this before. It felt selfish to describe having power as a problem, but it also felt like a barrier between them. He tried to put his half formed thoughts aside and hugged him back.

"I guess I've never had to try to impress the parents before," Adolin said lamely. 

Concern crossed Kaladin's face. "Is it too much? I just assumed that since we were going out places together now that things were public and maybe I shouldn't have -"

Adolin broke in. "No! No, it's nothing like that. The opposite, really. I can't wait to be introduced as your boyfriend. I want the world to know that we're courting. I just - I want to know that you want it too. That you really, actually want it. I'm not pressuring you, am I? Sometimes people can't tell the difference between a request and an order, and -" 

This time Kaladin cut him off. He grabbed the back of Adolin's head and pulled him in close, whispering in his ear. "You want me to show you how much I want it?" The tone of his voice made the hairs on the back of Adolin’s neck stand on end. 

“You, ah...you don’t want to go flying anymore?” Adolin asked.

Kaladin pulled back. “It was a very generous offer, but I wouldn’t want you to stain your lovely ensemble with vomit,” he said fondly. He squinted his eyes and tilted his head. "Besides, this seems more important." 

Their bodies shifted in tandem. As Kaladin caressed the back of his neck, Adolin leaned his head back into the touch. Kaladin took the opening as an invitation to kiss his jaw, then his neck. Kaladin’s hand supported his head and his other hand took him by the lower back, pulling him in close. Adolin relaxed. Why was I worried that he didn’t want this relationship? Kaladin was showing him with his kisses, the way he held him. Storms, he seems confident tonight. If Adolin wasn't in charge then he wouldn't have to worry about pressuring Kaladin or accidentally bringing up a bad memory. He didn't have to make his request tonight. He let himself go, just enjoying being held by his lovely, tall, strong boyfriend. Boyfriend. Why didn't I think about it before? It felt more solid to think of him that way. He wanted to know what our relationship is. He wants me to spend time with his family. Having him here with him was dissolving his insecurities. 

Kaladin drew him into the bedroom, bringing his medical bag with him. He started removing Adolin’s clothes, starting with his shirt. They kissed again, deeply, then Kaladin removed his own shirt. He moved to Adolin’s pants, unbuckling the belt and bending down as Adolin smiled down at him, admiring his beautiful black hair as Adolin freed his feet from his pants. With Adolin’s pants and underwear gone, Kaladin stood and faced him, shirtless, energized, looking like he was ready for a duel.

“Go on, then,” he said, gesturing to his pants. “Help me out.” He smiled encouragingly and a bit nervously. Ash's eyes! He’s going to let me undress him? 

“How can I make this more different for you?” Adolin asked cautiously, stepping forward. 

“Well, you can always kiss me there, grab my ass, I’d like that,” Kaladin gestured to his hip bone, then placed his hands at his sides, looking almost like his spren. “Just be your usual enthusiastic self and I think it’ll be fine.” He jumped backwards onto the bed, and Adolin followed him hungrily, crawling on top of him. They kissed again, bare chest to bare chest, and Kaladin grabbed Adolin’s bare ass. 

Adolin got off Kaladin and unbuckled his belt, placing kisses just above the pant line. He pulled slowly and deliberately, pausing to kiss the uncovered skin, then looking up to check Kal’s face. He was leaning back on his elbows, grinning in triumph. Is that a gloryspren behind him? 

Excited, Adolin got back to pulling Kaladin's pants off, pausing to provide needed attention to his thighs and calves. Soon the pants were off and forgotten.

Kaladin was hard, rising majestically, as though he were reaching for the sky. Adolin climbed back on top of him and they pressed their bodies together, heat against heat. Kaladin used a wrestling move to flip Adolin over on the bed. Oh I like this. 

“Adolin, I want to experiment with something new tonight,” Kaladin said breathlessly in between kisses. He has an experiment? I can’t wait to find out what it is. 

“Tell me,” Adolin said. “No wait, don’t tell me. Show me.” He was excited by the idea of not knowing, not needing to figure it out, just sitting back and letting Kaladin take control.

Kaladin nodded. He got up and positioned Adolin onto his hands and knees on the bed, facing away from Kaladin. He pulled Adolin back to the edge of the bed. “If you want to be surprised, don’t look,” he said, and Adolin practically burst with excitement, facing the wall. His ass and balls felt exposed. While Kaladin fiddled in his bag, Adolin looked at the drawing that Shallan had made those weeks ago, Kaladin embracing him after his return from Shadesmar. He'd had it framed and hung here as a reminder that what they had was real, and it helped when he was feeling insecure. Now it seemed -

Suddenly there was a warm, wet towel against his ass. Is he cleaning me? Kaladin was wiping down his ass crack and around his asshole. 

Adolin huffed. “Do you think I don’t bathe before we spend time together?” Storming bridgeboy.

“I just wanted to be careful,” Kaladin said evenly. He dried him off, stepped away, and returned. Adolin’s ass felt cool in the open air. He shivered.

As though Kaladin could sense that, suddenly his body heat was against Adolin's ass. Kaladin lined his cock up against the crack of Adolin’s ass, the tip pressing against his balls. He could feel the heat of it warming his delicate skin. Kaladin’s warm hands were rubbing his back in long, slow strokes. He could feel fabric against his skin, and he looked back. Kaladin was wearing a...safehand glove?

He laughed. “Kaladin, what are you wearing that for?”

“I don’t want to get my hand dirty,” he responded mildly. Is he joking? “Oh don’t be so modest Adolin. You and Shallan are always joking about me wearing one. I might as well do it at this point.” As Kaladin said it, he slapped Adolin’s ass with his 'safehand'. 

The slap knocked the thoughts out of Adolin’s head. Kaladin spread his cheeks and gave him a long, hot, wet lick from his asshole to his tailbone, sending a shock up his spine, then blew cold onto him. Is he blowing Stormlight on my ass? It didn’t matter. It felt really good. Adolin arched his back involuntarily, dropping from his hands onto his elbows, exposing more of his ass. Kaladin’s hot tongue returned to his entrance, slowly circling it. Adolin made a long, deep, inarticulate sound. 

He tried again. “Ah, storming...bridgeboy...” he moaned. “That feels so good .”

Kaladin lingered there for a moment, kissing and licking, and Adolin savoured the sensation as it tingled through him. He could feel fingers caressing his cock, stroking it slowly as Kaladin nibbled at his ass cheeks. His balls were engulfed in wet heat as Kaladin took them into his mouth. Then Kaladin returned his attention back to circling Adolin's asshole. Storms, did he have the same idea as me? He hoped so. Kaladin hummed, then moved away for a moment. When he returned, Adolin was touched by an oiled, gloved finger, circling, then pressing gently. Heralds, he wants to run me through! 

He had heard about it as something that soldiers did to relieve tension on long campaigns. He and Jakamov had joked about it being for men who couldn’t find a woman. But that was a lifetime ago. Since he’d been with Kaladin, he’d thought about it often but didn’t want to scare him off by talking about it. He was going to ask about it tonight, but here was Kaladin doing it. Am I in the Tranquilline Halls? No, this is better...

“Oh, Kaladin ,” was all Adolin managed to say. His voice had gotten deeper and more breathy. He relaxed and leaned his body backwards, increasing the pressure against his asshole. It felt wonderful. 

Kaladin stood and leaned over him, his breath against Adolin’s neck. “How far do you want to go with this? Is this enough?” He ran his gloved finger up his ass crack, causing Adolin’s cock to jump. 

“Don’t make me beg, bridgeboy,” Adolin moaned. “I want you inside me.” 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Kaladin breathed, and Adolin could hear the smile in his voice. Adolin wasn’t sure how long he could last, with that breath on his neck and that finger on him.

In him. Kaladin sensed the rhythm that Adolin had started unconsciously, leaning back against his finger and forward again, and held his finger still, until Adolin had used his own momentum to push Kaladin’s finger into him. 

The change he felt was immediate. Kaladin’s finger glided in effortlessly. Is that the oil? Adolin was surprised. His finger hadn't gone into Shallan that easily, but he didn’t get a chance to think about it further because all his attention was drawn to the immediate feeling of fulness. He gasped. Kaladin started to pull his finger out again but Adolin said quickly, “Don’t you dare move. Just...just hold it there for a minute.” Kaladin obliged. Adolin remembered Shallan’s instructions to him, then how deeply she had thrust her body against him, how breathless she got...Adolin closed his eyes. Soon he started moving his body again, and Kaladin held his finger still again, allowing Adolin to control the speed. 

“Okay, I’m ready for another finger,” Adolin said. He looked back at Kaladin, who nodded, then slowly pulled his finger out. The movement lit up his whole pelvic area and the skin practically vibrated with desire. He lost his breath. He could feel his face flushing, and he started to sweat.

Kaladin ran his fingers around his asshole again, eliciting another moan, then slowly guided two fingers in, gliding his other hand around his cock. Adolin moaned as he and Kaladin moved in synchrony. This is so good, how much better will it be with his cock? 

“Can we try it with my cock?” Kaladin asked. 

Adolin looked back and saw Kaladin’s own face flushed with lust. Adolin threw his head back and moaned. “ Please ."

As Kaladin slowly withdrew his fingers, he licked Adolin’s spine, causing him to arch his back again and jut his hips out in a wanton display of his desperation for pleasure. He moaned again, feeling his empty hole twitching. Kaladin chuckled, then removed his glove inside out, throwing it to the floor, and took a moment to put oil on his cock. Adolin suddenly felt Kaladin's hot tip against his entrance. Kaladin slid it around a bit, teasing him. Then Adolin felt the pressure and consciously relaxed himself, allowing Kaladin to glide in easily.

It felt bigger than he had thought, and he gasped again, adjusting. He was sweating in earnest now, and breathing heavily. He spread his legs more in a submissive posture. He let go of all dignity and thought - all he knew is that he wanted this badly. 

“Ho, Kaladin, spear me,” he moaned, and Kaladin responded, slowly inserting himself to the hilt. Adolin was as close to Kaladin as he could possibly get, and it felt incredible. He heard Kaladin’s breath hitch as he bumped his hips against Adolin’s ass. From his vantage point, Adolin couldn’t see much but he could feel how tightly Kaladin grasped his hips as he was pulled in. The slap of his balls against his skin, the heat of Kaladin’s breath on his back as he leaned over him - Adolin felt like he was in another world. His whole focus was taken up by the intensity of Kal’s cock inside him, their movement.

“You’re so...tight,” Kaladin murmured, resting his cheek against Adolin’s shoulder. “This is...” he didn’t finish his thought out loud. He just continued moving, slowly at first, then more intensely. As Adolin was bounced forward, he could feel how much his own cock wanted to be touched right now, and gave in to the temptation.

“Let me,” Kaladin said, and grabbed his cock in a firm, silken grip, enveloping him with his large hand, moving expertly across his shaft. As he did, Kaladin whimpered, and his thrusts became more rapid and powerful. The pleasure building inside Adolin was ready to explode, and he lost control of his mouth again.

“Oh, yes, spear me Kaladin, run me right through, you’re going to make me -”

Kaladin hit a new angle, and starspren exploded behind Adolin’s eyes. A surge of pleasure filled his body from his tailbone to the top of his head.

Adolin called out as he came, his muscles tensed, squeezing Kaladin from the inside. Kaladin grunted, trying with his last strokes to hit that same spot, until he came inside him. 

For a moment they hung there together, as though Lashed in time, hovering. Then they collapsed on the bed in a heap, panting. 

After his eyes cleared, Adolin let go a long sigh. “By all the Heralds Kaladin, you surprise me at every turn. That was incredible.” 

Kaladin rolled off him and got up to grab a towel. He gently washed himself and Adolin. This time, it felt like an incredibly tender and caring act, almost more intimate than what they had just done. He followed Kaladin's eyes as he lavished attention on Adolin's cock and ass. They made eye contact and Kaladin smiled a kind, shy smile.

“Thank you,” Adolin said softly. Kaladin simply nodded.

Kaladin fell back to the bed beside him, laying on his back with his arms behind his head. He threw a leg over Adolin’s and sighed. Adolin nuzzled up into his side, resting his head on Kaladin’s shoulder and his arm across his chest.

“That felt...very natural,” Kaladin said thoughtfully. “And easy. I didn’t even need to go back for more oil after I started, although I didn’t think that anuses were self-lubricating...” 

“You sure know how to take a beautiful moment and ruin it with medical terms,” Adolin joked, squeezing Kaladin’s cheek so he couldn’t frown. 

Kaladin grunted. They lay there for a few moments, enjoying their afterglow. He didn’t break down! He’s so calm, and...maybe happy? Content at least. Kaladin used his feet to toy aimlessly with Adolin’s feet, and Adolin reached up and played with Kaladin’s hair. 

“Would you consider a braid, to keep it out of your face?” Adolin asked.

“No.” They lay in a comfortable silence a while longer.

Eventually Kaladin sat up slightly, leaning on one elbow, his other hand resting on Adolin’s hip. “I don’t want to be accused of ruining the moment, but I wanted to ask you something,” he said. “You don’t seem as cheerful lately. It’s not bad, it’s just different. Is there something wrong?”

Adolin sighed and turned onto his back, staring at the ceiling. “No. Or, yes, but it’s not me. Or, maybe I’m changing. I don’t know." He thought for a moment. "Kaladin, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve heard a lot about your life in the last few weeks, and it’s affected me. I knew that slavery happened, but I thought it was just an unfortunate thing that happened to other people. People who deserved it. But now I know you, and Skar, and Drehy, and none of you deserved it. And you’ve shown me what it’s done to you, and how much you’ve struggled with battle shock because of it.”

Kaladin frowned. Adolin turned towards Kaladin again and started rubbing his shoulder. “I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I had thought that Jasnah freeing the slaves was good enough, but now I think it’s not nearly enough. Maybe it’s just the beginning of a long struggle for them. They have nothing. They might not have quarters to live in, or an income, or a family...and even if they do have those things they could end up lost and in pain. Like you. I don’t know how to fix it, but I can’t forget them. I won’t forget them. ” His voice shook slightly as he said it. Suddenly he knew this is what the nightmares were about.

He could feel Maya’s approval.

Kaladin raised his eyebrows. “What do you plan to do about it?” he asked.

Adolin sat up, and Kaladin followed suit. “I’m going to start by ensuring all former slaves get their own private quarters. If they’re anything like you they will need a safe place to be alone. I'm a Highprince, it should be easy enough to requisition rooms here. And then, I don’t know, I might employ a corps of former slaves to...do something...it would have to be different, right, different enough from their slave labour that it wouldn’t harm them.” As he talked, he realized just how feasible it was, and he became more animated. “I’m not sure, but I could talk to Father and Mother about employment within Urithiru. Maybe Jasnah.” He looked at Kaladin again. “One of them might be able to run a group like you do, but for former slaves instead of soldiers. They may not all be in need of the Ardentia but they’ve got to be suffering like you have.”

Kaladin looked shocked. “You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?”

“Not soon enough,” Adolin replied thickly, feeling guilty. I just thought of it now . “I’ve been one of the ten Fools for so long. You were right to dismiss me when we first met. I was so blissfully unaware.”

Kaladin put his hand on Adolin’s leg, looking down. “Now you’re no longer blissful because of me.”

Adolin put his guilt aside and held Kaladin’s cheek in his hand, meeting his gaze. “It’s like that story in The Way of Kings. I want to be the kind of ruler who helps that poor shirtless wretch to carry the large stone. My bliss has come at a terrible cost to others. I mean to make that right, at least, as right as I can make it.” He looked away. Maya, I hope I can make it better, even if I can’t make it right.

I want to be a good lighteyes, a good Highprince, someone worthy of being with Kaladin, the storming embodiment of Honor. 

Adolin looked back at Kaladin. “And if anyone has taught me that they don’t have to be happy to be a good person, it’s you.” He kissed him softly. “Maybe I'd rather be good than happy. Or maybe we can make each other happy. You, me, and Shallan. As happy as possible, anyway.” He smiled. “If I could trade my happiness to ease your burdens, I would do it gladly.”

“If you do it gladly, you can’t be losing all your happiness, then,” Kaladin smirked.

“See? Nothing can stop my natural cheerfulness,” Adolin grinned back. He sighed, feeling like a weight had been lifted. His earlier worries seemed distant now that he was in Kaladin's arms, knowing that he had made a decision that might help turn his shame into pride. See, tonight has been great so far, and it's not over yet. 

He looked over at Kaladin, his usually serious face relaxed as he stared into the distance. "Thanks for this, Kaladin. I don't know how you knew, but I really needed to relax tonight. You're a great boyfriend." 

Kaladin smiled.

Notes:

I'm...starting to think that Kaladin might have a service kink...and Adolin is giving off sub vibes tonight.

Also complicated Adolin feelings. Trying to see this from his perspective and not from my perspective has been difficult, and I might have given him too much insight. He's definitely going to go into the situation with the former slaves in a bit of a Polyanna-ish fashion. I don't want to focus too much on it though, because this was supposed to be just a smut fic ;)

Chapter 25: Death and Rebirth

Summary:

Shallan and Kaladin both hit low moods, and Syl insists they don't wallow. Adolin makes a discovery.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter. Very brief mention of sex.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

Kaladin clung to her, his body fully tense, and Shallan clung to him right back. They were lying in Kaladin’s bed, clothes askew, Shallan lying on her side and hugging Kaladin’s chest as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Both of them stared silently into the distance.

It had been a rough evening. She had sent another Lightweaver to do a job in her place, and it had not gone well. Shallan was blaming herself. It didn't help that Radiant had done everything she could to convince Shallan do that job. With Veil integrated, they had agreed that Shallan would have two votes and essentially full power, but Radiant had become less happy with that arrangement as time had passed. They had been arguing about it tonight, and Shallan’s mood had turned extremely sour.

When she arrived, Kaladin had been in one of his moods, and hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Oroden had been a nightmare to get to sleep. Then neither of them had been able to please the other. Sometimes they were really good together, lifting each other up. But at times like this, when they were both caught up in difficult emotions, they ended up alone together, each lost in a personal darkness. 

Shallan shifted against him to try to feel his body against hers, and he turned away from her, pulling his arms and legs in tight. She ran her fingers along his side, but he grabbed her hand, stilling it. He rubbed his thumb across her hand in a way she interpreted as apologetic, and curled into himself tighter, trembling.

Staring at his back, unable to help, Shallan got lost in her own thoughts. What am I doing with my life? I have three or four lives I could be living and I’m not committed to any of them. Kaladin's back felt like a wall in front of her. The trapped feeling hadn’t left her, and she wished she could scream . No one else can make this decision for me, and I wouldn’t want them to, but...I need help. She reached inside, but she already knew what Radiant wanted. Give up her personal vendetta against the Ghostbloods, abandon the search for her family’s secrets, leave behind the tantalizing clues to other worlds. Stay in Urithiru and be a good Highprincess and lead the Lightweavers as a moral compass for every Radiant.

Would that be so bad?  Radiant asked in her mind. You wouldn’t be trapped, you’d be surrounded by loved ones. You're already using the Lightweavers to investigate the Ghostbloods. You don’t have to give up everything you want…

Being surrounded is the definition of trapped, Shallan responded. Loved ones can turn on each other with time . You don’t understand how it feels to be crushed by a family home, by the anger and violence that starts off rare but becomes more and more common until it’s the air you breathe. She feared it could happen here, too, even with Adolin and Kaladin. We’re murderers. Violence is part of our nature. I wish I could talk to Wit…

... then again, he’d probably tell her to look inside herself.

She sighed deeply, and a tear escaped her eye, running down her cheek silently. She didn’t want to bother Kaladin, who seemed to be deep in his own thoughts.

She almost missed it when he spoke.

“You’re growing tired of me, aren’t you?” he said in a calm, low voice, facing the wall.

She sat up, wiping her eyes, and turned him on his back. He had been weeping. 

“Of course not, Kaladin. Why would you think that?” she asked, surprised, her own thoughts forgotten for a moment.

“I couldn’t get you to orgasm. I couldn’t give you what you want.” He sounded flat, dead. 

A pit opened inside and her heart fell in. “Kaladin...that’s...no...” She shook her head, patted his chest. “I disappointed you too. I couldn’t even get you hard. I couldn’t give you what you want either. I don’t even know what you want.” A different, unspoken fear came to the surface. “You’ve never said...” Tears filled her eyes again. “You’ve never said you love me. I worry that I’ve pressured you into this relationship and you're only with me because you think I'll make you and Adolin break up if you don't. I've told you a hundred times I wouldn't but you don't believe me.” I’ve trapped both of us. I only have myself to blame for this. “Are you sure you want to be with me?”

Kaladin cringed. He reached out and pulled her close. “I’m so sorry Shallan. Of course...I...uh...” he held her, squeezing out more tears. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Shallan interrupted, not wanting to hear him try to force out a declaration of love for her presumed amusement. “Now’s not the time anyway.”

“No,” said Kaladin, “I can say it. I do...ah,” His throat let out a strangled creak. She leaned into his chest, indescribably hurting. “I’m just, I’m afraid because everyone I love has gone away, or changed, or been killed. I think it’s making me afraid to be close." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I - I want to be close to you, Shallan. Maybe that’s the best I can say for now.” He sighed. “Even though I'm a mess. You deserve better. I don’t even know why you wanted to be with me in the first place. I don’t know what I want here, I don’t know what I want with you. It’s been weeks and I feel like I don’t understand myself. You deserve to know but I can’t tell you. I don’t know!” Frustration edged his voice.

Shallan felt strangled, but tried to breathe, listening along to his breathing. I’ve hurt him by wanting to be close. He doesn’t want me and he is just too kind to tell me. Despite him being so close physically, she yearned for him. “I understand,” she said softly. “It took me weeks of avoidance just to get to the point where I realized I liked you that way. Even so, what I want from you is about the only thing in my life I do understand.” More tears fell onto his chest. “Tonight I’m just, I’m off. I’m sorry. You deserve better than what I can give tonight, maybe ever. I wish - I wish things could be different.”

They lay there in silence for a while, each holding the other, each trying desperately to clamp down on their emotions for the other’s sake.

Shallan spoke. “I miss Adolin.”

Kaladin nodded. “Me too.” They hugged, and she was so distracted by her thoughts and feelings that she couldn't feel it.

Syl appeared in front of them, wearing a formal havah with her hair up in a severe and complex set of braids. She wagged her finger at them, reminding Shallan of Jasnah’s style of admonishing scribes. “You know, instead of feeding each other spoonfuls of moping around, you could just go out with Adolin. He’s just been laying around and staring at the ceiling.”

I’m making Adolin unhappy, too. Her stomach lurched.

“Syl!” Kaladin said angrily. “You’re not supposed to spy on people, and you’re definitely not supposed to tell others what you see!” He sat up, forcing Shallan to get off his chest, and she also sat up, wiping her eyes.

“I’m on a mission,” Syl huffed, her nose in the air. “You’re all sad and you need each other. The honourable thing to do is to make you talk it out. Now get moving,” she ordered. 

“Well, we’re not doing very well on our own,” Shallan admitted. 

“Fine,” Kaladin said. “But we’re not leaving Oroden alone. Syl, can you go ask Adolin to join us here?”

“Yes sir!” She said, her form melting into a Bridge Four uniform. She gave a crisp salute before flying away.

 

****************

 

Adolin

 

“Maya, what’s happening to me?” he asked into the air. He was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was nice to not be scheduled somewhere, and he’d wanted some time to think. The weird happenings were getting to him. The dimmed spheres, Maya's increasing presence in in his mind, Kaladin and Shallan insisting that he kept doing something to them when they had difficult conversations...

“You...heal…” Maya said, audible outside his head. Her voice has been getting stronger and louder, too.

“How am I healing? I haven’t healed any wounds.” Adolin felt confused. Even though Maya had said he had done healing after caring for Kaladin, he still didn’t understand. Kaladin hadn’t had any wounds. Not physical ones, anyway...

He sat up suddenly. “Maya, am I healing mental wounds?”

“Yes,” Maya said slowly but deliberately. “I’ve watched you a long time. You have been healing me...and others...”

“What do you mean, healing you, Maya? I thought your injury was, well, maybe not physical , but...you’re dead. Were dead? Maya, are you alive ?” He looked around, almost expecting something, but nothing happened. He tsk ed to himself and summoned Maya as a blade. It only took one heartbeat. 

Adolin, you warmed my heart from death and pain... Maya said in his mind, her voice getting stronger. You made me believe...I can trust again. 

Adolin’s eyes welled with tears. “What?” He couldn’t believe it.

You don’t know what it feels like to be shattered, dead...trapped...unable to trust another to bond... She paused for a moment, almost as though she needed to take a breath. To have had everything taken from you...to only know pain...and yet...and yet...your respect...your trust...your patience...your love...it is enough.

Adolin’s heart raced. He had never heard so many words from her before. And so loud. Something was happening. 

“Enough for what?” he asked tentatively.

I will never be the same as I once was, but you accept me as I am. Say the words, and I will make a bond again, such as it can be.

Cradling Maya in his hands, Adolin drew a breath and recalled the First Oath. “Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.” The sword disappeared, and in its place, a small, shrivelled vine, blossoming a dried flower, appeared in his hand. 

“Maya?” He looked down at his precious friend. A tear dropped on her by accident. “Oh, Maya!” He wiped his eyes and held the bit of vine to his heart. His chest felt full, full to the brim with joy. “I’ve got to tell someone!” He laughed. Renarin had probably seen this coming already. 

Maya was already growing, exploring up and around his arm and across his shoulders. It seemed like she might be feeling joyful, too. “Maya, do you want to stay on me?” She could be a necklace. Or trim on my sleeves! He considered, tapping his chin. Or a bracer, or around my belt... 

“I like the belt,” Maya said, wrapping herself around him like a hug. 

Just then, Syl flew in, appearing in her Bridge Four uniform. “Adolin, Kal and Shallan need you right away! They are very sad and mopey today. It’s not a good look for them.” She flew closer. “I figured since you weren’t doing anythi-” She paused and cocked her head. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“You’ll see,” Adolin grinned. “Okay, let’s choose an ensembl-...okay okay, let’s just go,” he said, watching Syl impatiently tapping her foot on the air below her.

Notes:

Holy crap Adolin is kind of Radiant?? This is the headcanon I have for him - that a revived deadeyes is not quite an alive deadeyes, and the powers manifest to the left of the expected Surges. Of course Adolin would be the one to be the trendsetter, exploring new territory.

I hope you can see in this that the things Maya went through are similar to experiences that Shallan and Kaladin went through, and the things Adolin did to support them over time have also helped Maya.

Chapter 26: Progression

Summary:

Adolin comes to the rescue of moody Shallan and Kaladin. He reveals part of his power.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter. Canon-compliant anxiety and depression.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

Pull it together! Kaladin berated himself. You’re bringing down Shallan, and soon Adolin’s going to come in and you’ll bring them both down more if you’re not careful. He rubbed his face to try to motivate himself.

“Come on, Shallan,” Kaladin said, trying to smile. “Get up, let’s wash our faces and see if we can make ourselves look like a bit less of a mess for our...Adolin.” She took his hand and they got up, taking in each other’s bedraggled appearance. They hugged, long and gentle. As he held her, Kaladin tried to put all the love he had into his arms to show her he loved her, even if he couldn’t say it. “You look worse than when we were stuck in that chasm,” he said instead, giving her hair a kiss. 

“And you smell worse.” She pushed him away playfully and stuck out her tongue, although he noticed the tension in her eyes returned immediately after.

They washed their faces, fixed their clothes, and then went out to the main room. Kaladin started making some tea, and checked on Oroden in his room. Thank the Heralds.

“Still sleeping,” he said softly as he sat down again. He watched Shallan in silence as they waited for the water to heat. She was at the table, resting her head on her arms. 

“Kaladin, I’m so sorry for tonight,” she started.

“No, please,” Kaladin replied. “I’m sorry. I guess we’re just not doing so great. It’ll be good to see Adolin. Maybe he can help shake us out of this.” Maybe he can shake you out of this. I’ll always be like this. I just want you to be happy again.

He slowly grabbed three cups, placed them on the table, then grabbed the teapot. “Grassleaf ok?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s fine,” Shallan replied. “I probably won’t be able to taste it anyway.”

As Kaladin put the small bundle in the teapot, a knock came at the door, and Kaladin opened it. Adolin smiled a dazzling, warm, joyful smile that brightened the room and made Kaladin gasp a stuttering breath. Adolin’s smile faded quickly, however, as he took in Kaladin’s face, the sombre silence, and Shallan still resting her head on the table. 

“Wow, Syl wasn’t kidding,” Adolin said seriously. He clapped his hands together and took a chair. 

“Careful, Adolin,” Kaladin said quietly, gesturing to the hall. “Oroden is sleeping and you do not want him to wake up. Keep your voice low.”

Adolin nodded. Kaladin offered him a cup of tea and he accepted. Kaladin poured one for Shallan and finally one for himself, the last of the pot which had bits of the leaf floating in it. Perfect.

“It’s just...been a bad couple of days,” Kaladin said quietly. “For both of us, I guess.” For him, it just seemed to be a combination of the weather below and his constantly churning anxieties. If it’s good it won’t last. Shallan will break up with me, and that will be the end with Adolin, too. They’ll leave and I’ll be alone again. It didn't matter how many times she reassured him, the thought always returned. He sighed. It felt pointless to be alive, in a dark, soft, foggy kind of way. It was almost comforting in its familiarity, even as it smothered him. 

Shallan looked up. “For me, it hasn’t been just a few days,” she said softly. “It’s been building for months now. Ever since we returned from Shadesmar.”

Ever since... Kaladin’s throat tightened and he shot a concerned look towards Adolin. This is it.

“It’s not what you think, Kaladin,” Shallan sighed in an irritated tone. “It’s just me.” She looked up, resting her chin in her hands. “Some things have been bothering me for a while about how I’m living my life. I thought I could figure it out on my own but I can’t.” She sighed, and Kaladin sighed with her. He could relate. 

“I clearly haven’t accepted my responsibilities as a Radiant or leader of the Lightweavers, given that Radiant is still here to do it for me. I’ve never taken it seriously enough.” She pulled her cup towards her, warming her hands. “When I married Adolin, I committed to the role of Highprincess with everything that entails - scribing, accounting, producing children - and I haven’t fully committed to that either. Why haven’t I gotten pregnant yet?” She looked to Adolin. “Am I stopping it somehow?” Her eyes shone with guilty tears. That was a series of worries Kaladin had never had to think about. He took a sip of tea and kept listening.

She shook her head and continued. “Testament is a deadeyes in Shadesmar, and it’s my fault. I’ve basically declared war on the Ghostbloods and I never learned my family’s secrets - why I had a bonded spren so early - but I haven’t committed to that either. That problem is potentially life-threatening not just to me but my loved ones too. I'm so sorry for bringing you into this, Kaladin.” She paused for a moment, looking at Kaladin with red-rimmed eyes. “I upended Alethi traditions - and our reputations - to pursue this relationship, and now,” she grimaced, “I don’t seem to be very good at that either.” She sighed raggedly, a tear trickling down her face. “I feel trapped. I’m afraid. I can’t take a step without disappointing or possibly harming someone. Possibly permanently.” 

“That’s great!” Pattern said, spinning underneath the teapot. He startled Kaladin. Adolin and Shallan ignored him.

Kaladin leaned back and took another sip. He hadn’t been aware of these concerns - she hadn’t said much of anything about her worries to him, or it seems, Adolin, judging by his face. He felt relieved that it didn’t have to do with him and Adolin, but...it did seem like a lot, and what affected her affected him. He could feel the familiar weight of responsibility settle on him as he took on her troubles. He put his cup down and placed his hands over hers. He squeezed, giving her an reassuring smile. “Thanks for telling us, Shallan. It really helps to explain where your head has been these last few months. Don't worry about me, you know I can protect myself.” Inside he strengthened his resolve. I will do what I can to protect her, no matter what trouble she's in. Syl nodded from the table, although she looked distracted by Adolin. She kept looking at his stomach for some reason. 

Adolin pulled his chair towards Shallan and leaned over, wrapping an arm around her. “My love, you are perfect just the way you are. Veil always loved complications, so I’m sure there’s a part of you that’s enjoying how complicated your life is right now.” She pulled the corners of her mouth up slightly, even as she kept looking down. 

“Yeah, that’s another thing. I miss Veil,” she said. “I’m sad that she’s gone. Is it weird to miss someone that was always a part of you?” 

“I miss her too,” Adolin said. “I can’t believe you didn’t absorb her skill at breakneck.”

“Or her alcohol tolerance. And somehow,” Kaladin couldn’t believe he was saying this, “I miss her lewd winks, and how uncomfortable she made me feel.” Shallan chortled. New tears started to fall. Kaladin’s heart ached for her. He wanted to be part of the solution, not part of her problems. What can I do to help? I just want her to be happy. Strangely, he felt closer to her now, holding her hand across the table, than he had felt while lying in bed with her.

Adolin turned her face to his, holding her chin up with a gentle finger. Kaladin had seen them kissy faced before and it had weirded him out, but now it felt right. He wondered if he had been uncomfortable with their intimacy because he hadn’t been part of it. Maybe this is what he wanted with Shallan, to just have her here with him? To share their confidences and trust? To know that he was loved, too? Maybe with her it wasn't as much about sex as it was about being able to share moments of closeness like this.

Adolin asked her, “What do you need?” As Adolin’s head tilted down towards her, Kaladin spotted something. Movement - Light - being pulled from the bowl of spheres on the table, breathed into Adolin. 

“I...I don’t know,” she murmured, and they kissed, softly. Kaladin watched as the Light passed between Adolin and Shallan’s lips, as though he were breathing the Light into her. He had seen something like this before with Renarin, willing Light from his body into others to heal wounds. But Adolin?  

The Light disappeared into Shallan. She put her hand over her heart and took a deep breath. “Adolin...” she said after a moment.

“What happened?” asked Kaladin, leaning forward.

Shallan looked to him, surprised. “Sometimes he has this effect on me. Like his kiss is extra warm, and all of a sudden I realize that things aren’t as bad as I thought. Like just now I realized that I don’t have to choose this or that. I can just go with what I can do right now because most of it is outside my control anyway. I can let it go and...just be myself.” She looked in amazement at Adolin. “The past doesn’t dictate the future. I know I can feel safe with you. I’m not just saying that either. I...I can feel it in my bones. Kelek’s breath, Adolin, your kisses are truly powerful sometimes.”

Kaladin ogled at him. “Adolin, do you realize...?”

Adolin smirked and grabbed Kaladin’s chair, pulling him around the corner of the table towards him with a scraping noise that made Kaladin worry they’d woken Oroden. He held Kaladin’s face, looked at him with smouldering eyes, and asked, “And what do you need, Kal?” 

Kaladin gulped. I need to not be so morose all the time. I need to not be so worried. I need to be able to feel close to people. I need to tell Shallan and Adolin that I... Then Adolin’s lips were on him, and he melted. His lips were so very soft. The way he pulled him in and held him felt secure. The same warmth he had felt before filled him, and he breathed in love. As they kissed, Kaladin’s body relaxed and the fear clenched around his heart fled. He was perfectly in this moment. Of course things change, he thought suddenly. Without change how could Oroden grow up? How could I have new love? How could I build new things in the empty spaces of my loss? I’ve been so focused on the endings I forgot about the growth, the new things. In his heart, he knew his vision of Tien had wanted him to understand that. 

The kiss ended, but the moment lingered in Kaladin’s heart. He held his hand over his chest. “Wow, Adolin,” he said. “That was powerful.” 

He looked from Adolin’s proud face to Shallan’s, and knew from her shocked expression that she had seen what Kaladin had seen when Adolin had kissed her. 

“Adolin, you -” Kaladin faltered. “Are you a Truthwatcher? Like Renarin? Did you give up Maya? No, you would never...”

“No, never,” Shallan agreed. “Did... Maya come back to life?” she asked, open curiosity on her face. Maya being completely revived seemed almost as impossible a notion. 

Adolin finished the last of his tea, then stretched, leaning his arms back, which pulled his shirt out of his belt. Both of them stared at his abs.

Apparently expecting a different response, Adolin leaned forward again and shook his head, tucking his shirt back in. “What are you two, in mateform? I wasn’t asking you to look at my abs, you horny fools,” he said, laughing. “Look at my belt. It’s Maya!”

Maya slid off his belt and onto his arm. She looked similar in shape to Lift’s cultivationspren, but her vines and leaves looked dried out. Despite looking like a bundle of tea leaves, she was moving around just fine. 

“Hello,” Maya said, slowly, yet cheerfully. Syl squealed and clapped her hands, then flew to her.

Kaladin and Shallan took one awed look at each other and jumped onto Adolin, laughing, hugging him, and congratulating him and Maya. Syl and Pattern joined in, giving congratulations in their own ways. Syl flew in close circles around them, joining the joyspren, and Pattern buzzed contentedly from the table. Adolin stood and pulled them all in closer. Kaladin slapped his back and tousled his hair. He couldn’t have been happier for Adolin in that moment. Shallan jumped as she hugged them. Maya climbed over everyone, rustling and giggling.

Just then, two things happened. Hesina and Lirin came through the front door, standing stock still at the six of them hugging and jumping and buzzing and flying. At the same time, Oroden opened his door, bleary eyed. 

“Can I has watew?”

Kaladin turned to his parents. “I hope you had a good night. Could you take over Oroden? I need to go out with these two to celebrate.”

As they walked, Kaladin ignored the familiar dark fog that had already started descending on his heart again. If anything can change, maybe the darkness can change too, he thought stubbornly, and followed Adolin and Shallan to find Renarin for an emergency celebration at Jez’s Duty.

Notes:

Adolin's healing is more powerful than ever, and he's doing it on purpose! Maya's going public! Exciting times :)

Chapter 27: A Formal Celebration

Summary:

Dalinar celebrates Adolin with a fancy party. He approves of Adolin's relationship. Jasnah offers her support of Adolin's plans. Shallan and Kaladin let loose a little.

Updated 2021-Jul-9 to be more accurate to canon

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Despite Adolin’s insistence that he had already celebrated his newfound Radiance, his father had announced that there would be a formal celebration. So, because Dalinar always got what he wanted, two weeks later Adolin found himself in the greatroom, with its vaulted ceilings and large windows overlooking the mountains. The gathering was mostly populated by the Highprinces and high ranking scribes that Adolin had grown to loathe, but he had managed to obtain invitations for some valuable Radiants and former Bridge Four celebrities so that some friendly faces would also be in attendance. There would be more friendly faces later, at the winehouse where Adolin would actually prefer to be, rather than sitting among these caged whitespines. But Dalinar had called this party, so of course, everyone of note would have to be here to celebrate Adolin finally becoming worthy. He leaned slightly against Renarin’s shoulder for support. Shallan and Kaladin were nearby, but hugging the walls. They knew how difficult it was, of course, but no one besides his brother truly understood what this speech, and this party, meant to him in this moment. Coercion. Display. I’m finally his good little Radiant. A single angerspren bubbled up, and Adolin worked to smooth his emotions over. Renarin squeezed the back of his arm in a comforting gesture. Dalinar stepped forward and coughed, immediately commanding everyone’s attention. 

“We are here to celebrate a man who may have singlehandedly saved us in this fight,” Dalinar said. “His envoy to the Honorspren has gained us many more Windrunners, which will be a key asset in this war.” He smiled. “And on top of that accomplishment, I would like to announce that a spren has finally deemed Highprince Kholin worthy of a bond - just as we knew one would. Welcome to our newest Edgedancer!” A gloryspren appeared above Dalinar’s head. 

The crowd turned to Adolin and cheered. For once, Adolin couldn’t bring himself to soak up the attention. Nevertheless, he smiled and played his part as best he could. He got the sense that they were looking for a display of power, but Adolin wouldn’t even know where to start with that. “Thank you everyone,” he announced. “Words cannot express what your support, and your unity, means on a day such as this. May we all become Radiant for the war to come.” He held his glass aloft.

With another cheers, the group turned to mingling, and Adolin started to relax a bit. 

“I can’t handle Father’s smug superiority about Radiants, and now that I’ve bonded Maya it’s going to be even more difficult to argue with him about it,” Adolin said to Renarin in a low voice. “It’s breathtaking how he still sees everyone as a potential weapon of war.”

“He’s not so far away from being the Blackthorn as he thinks,” Renarin agreed into his glass. “As much as he talks about unity, it’s always unity on his terms. He still thinks he can control everyone.” He paused. “He won’t. He can’t.” He patted Adolin on the shoulder. “He will face the fact that he can’t control us.” That wasn’t the sort of thing that Adolin should disagree with, given Renarin’s power to see the future, but still he hummed skeptically to himself. 

“You did...great!” Maya said enthusiastically in her slow, crinkly voice. 

“Thank you Maya,” he replied softly. It was such a comfort to have her with him, and to hear what she had to say. Tonight she had wrapped herself around his collar and down the sides of his jacket as though she were embroidered there, providing an interesting brown counterpoint against the Kholin blue. She had provided two small, dried flowers which she grew through each side of his front collar like delicate buttons. He could tell the other lighteyes were curious about his use of brown, as it was currently out of fashion, but Adolin was confident that he could lead a change. Who knew my bridgeboy would be at the cutting edge of fashion? he joked to himself. 

He had no lack of admirers who wished to come meet him and his spren, so Renarin vanished into the crowd. He was surprised to see Lift at the front of the group. She seemed particularly interested in Maya.

“She’s...dry,” she said quizzically, touching the vines gently. “Is that because she was a dead blade first?”

“I think so,” Adolin said. “Also, I don’t know, it seems like my powers don’t work the same as other Edgedancers. I’m not really sure if I can call myself that, actually.” He frowned.

“Well I think you shouldn’t worry about what a bunch of stuffy idiots tell you,” she replied casually, grabbing his cup of wine and taking a gulp, then handing it back. She pointed at him. “If you have a cultivationspren you’re an Edgedancer. Maybe I can teach you how to be slick. And if you can’t, maybe you can do something else that we don’t even know about yet! Maybe you have your very own awesomeness!” She grinned at him, and he grinned back, a lump forming in his throat. It meant a lot to him to feel included and understood by another Edgedancer - he hadn’t realized he’d been anxious about it. He swallowed the emotion down and smiled as he watched her slide away, threading between Sebarial and Aladar and picking food off their plates without them noticing.

“Maybe...I can talk to her spren...sometime. Wyndle?” Maya asked.

“Yeah. Yes, I think we could arrange that.” 

After shaking some more hands and fielding some more congratulations, Adolin spotted Shallan and Kaladin. They were over by the wines - it looked like they were doing taste testing, but they were swallowing the wine instead of spitting. They were giggling at each other, and the attendant looked patient but unimpressed. I want part of whatever it is they’re doing, he thought to himself. He hadn’t expected Kaladin to agree to attend at all, let alone for him to agree to attend with them. And on top of it all? He wore his black, brown, and amethyst ensemble. That last healing kiss he’d given had done something dramatic. Kaladin had let go a lot of his worries, and Shallan had too. And now they got to enjoy themselves while he was put on parade by his -

Father.

The King of Urithiru strode up beside him and clapped him on the back. “Well done, son,” he said. “I knew that you would be found worthy.”

Adolin cringed inwardly but showed no sign. There’s no point in letting him know how I feel. I shouldn’t care what he thinks anyway. Just get through this. His eyes darted back towards his loves.

“Adolin, this happened at just the right time. We needed something to celebrate.” Dalinar paused a moment, looking over to where Adolin had been looking, and he seemed to see Kaladin and Shallan continuing to giggle at each other. Renarin had joined them, and was no doubt trying to teach them how to do wine tastings properly. 

“Son, I, uh…” Dalinar coughed awkwardly, and Adolin turned back to him, bracing for the storm. “Son, perhaps I was too, ah, worried about Kaladin before. It looks like you have done a splendid job in making him happy.”

Adolin tried to keep calm. Of all the moves he could have made to hurt me, I didn’t expect him to put out his hand instead. He turned towards his father, allowing his confusion to show.

Dalinar continued, shuffling awkwardly, but maintaining eye contact. “You know, if he had been a lighteyes, and I’d had a daughter, I would have tried to marry him into the family. As things are, I would have thought it impossible. There are rules, you know, and propriety to consider, but I would be a terrible hypocrite if I were to try to enforce them on you without good reason. And Navani has convinced me that there are none. No good reasons, that is.” Adolin was shocked. Was this his actual father, or was this some Lightweaver’s illusion?

Dalinar straightened his posture, putting his hands behind his back in a proper military stance. “Son, you have surprised me twice - bonding with a dead spren, which I had thought was impossible, and bringing Stormblessed into the Kholin family, which I had also thought would be impossible. I know you cannot be betrothed, but if you want to invite him to join us at family dinners, please know he’ll be welcome. Uh, keep up the good work.” He patted him on the shoulder, looking slightly confused, as though he had surprised himself with his own words. Then he walked away, leaving Adolin stunned. What just happened? Did he just...make Kaladin part of the family? He looked around, searching for anyone who might confirm that what just happened was actually real. His eyes landed on his mother Navani. She winked and waved. He waved back, his hand shaking slightly.

Now Adolin needed a drink, and time to figure out what in Talenel’s holy name just happened.

He looked across the room again. Kaladin, Shallan, and Renarin had been joined by Rlain, Skar, and Drehy, who were laughing at Renarin for spitting out wine. Rlain was strikingly handsome in mateform, and Adolin was confused and a bit hurt that Renarin had only told him about their relationship recently. He sighed. Now wasn’t the time for those particular feelings. He could tell Renarin was explaining again how wine tastings work. The attendant was nodding vigorously, and Shallan was pretending to look confused. Adolin smiled and took a step towards them, and instead found Jasnah blocking the path. The Queen of Alethkar stood straight as always, immaculately dressed and made up, not a hair out of place for the occasion. 

“Adolin, I need to speak to you about your work with former slaves,” she said curtly, not looking up from her notebook. A scribe stood a step behind her, looking extremely alert.

“Queen Jasnah, a pleasure as always.” Adolin bowed to hide his frustration and lingering confusion. “Thank you for gracing my celebration with your royal presence.” 

She stepped back a bit and inclined her head. “Sorry, Highprince Kholin. You’re right, this is a formal celebration.” She looked around, seeming to take in the whole gathering at once for the first time. “This is something people need right now - all of us. We need a chance to relax - although, maybe not quite that much.” She sighed, spotting Shallan. “You know, there was a time that I thought she stood a chance to become a proper highlady.” She shook her head, then turned back to Adolin. “Nevertheless, I have been following your work with the former slaves and I can see that you were right - freeing them was not enough. I would like to formally support your plan. That should take some of the pressure off you from the other Highprinces. I can offer the financial support of the Crown. Would you also like additional administrative support? One of my spies reported that your scribes were having difficulties in allocating space to established couples and families, which is slowing down the program, and distribution of spheres also seems to be straggling. Having the operation run smoothly, especially the finances, will be essential in building trust. I'll send you four of my best administrators starting next week."

Adolin knew he had been having trouble figuring out the details, and the scribes he had originally hired had either been unenthusiastic about the position or had quit outright. It just wasn't Alethi to be offering things to former slaves. He swallowed his frustrations - at the mention of spying on him, and the presumptions she was making - and simply hoped Perrel would be among the administrators. He could use her enthusiasm and friendliness.  

"Thank you," Adolin said, "That would be a big help." He sighed again and noticed that overall, he felt relieved. *Maybe this plan won't be a total disaster now.* 

Jasnah leaned in, examining Maya on his collar. She tapped one of the flowers with her finger and a petal fell off, like a shamespren, but drier. “Sorry about that, Mayalaran,” she said, her lips pursed. 

"It's okay...I have more," Maya answered slowly.

Jasnah stood tall again. “Adolin, I would like to hear more details about your Edgedancing powers. Your spren looks somewhat unusual. Given she was resurrected from the dead, I would know exactly how it happened, so we may work towards resurrecting other spren if possible.” She looked deep into his eyes, as if she could reach into his mind and pluck the information out herself. "I would like to do some interviews with you to get the full details as to how this came about.” 

Adolin’s heart almost stopped. He blushed. Oh no. I should have seen this coming. 

“I...I’m not going to do that,” he finally said. He couldn’t meet her eyes. 

Jasnah raised an eyebrow. “Very well then. If you are uncomfortable talking with me, I’ll have Dalinah do the interviews.”

Absolutely not. “I courted Dalinah. I can’t -”

She sighed. “Very well, have Shallan do it then. Although I would prefer a less biased interviewer.” 

Adolin moved to step away, but Jasnah caught his arm. “Adolin, one more thing.”

He turned again gracefully. Jasnah had just offered him help that he had desperately needed. He wasn’t going to ruin it with a sour face. “Yes?”

“Although I’m sure your dalliance with Stormblessed has been diverting,” she said, her firey gaze transfixing Adolin, “please do not forget your responsibility to propagate the Kholin family into the future. I want this new government, this new legacy to last, and the best chance for that is a well educated new generation of leaders. Our family will have important work for many years to come, if this is to be successful.” Her eyes blazed as if to say, Stop playing around and do what I ask.

What do I say? Frozen, Adolin was again hammered by his emotions. I don’t even know how I feel about having children, he thought. He had only heard Shallan’s opinion about it recently. In theory it seemed great. But in the middle of a Desolation? That thought brought up a new fear he hadn’t considered. He realized he hadn’t answered, so he just nodded mutely. He could see now why Shallan had gotten so drunk after her last conversation with her. Radiant was right, this has been a particularly excruciating conversation, even for Jasnah.

Finally excusing himself, he turned away, and after a few more congratulatory comments and asides, he was able to wend his way through the room to the wine tasting table. Shallan greeted him with a dazzling smile, and he leaned in for a small chaste kiss, just at the edge of Alethi propriety. She was holding a small glass of wine, which she passed to him. “Taste this, I think it’ll be your favourite!” she said enthusiastically.

“Yes, it looks like you’ve had lots of opportunities to figure out which one is best, although why you would waste it on my uncultured tongue is beyond me.” Adolin took a sip, then shrugged and drank the full cup down. I have some catching up to do anyway, he thought. 

The group yelled in unison, drawing the attention of the other guests. Renarin shook his head. The attendant’s eye twitched.

Skar poked him in the chest. “Ok now, Highprince Radiant Uncultured Tongue,” he said with amusement, “tell us your guess - which one of us spit in it?”

Adolin choked, laughing. Kaladin was the only one who wasn’t looking at him. And he was blushing.

He didn’t know whether to kiss him or kill him. I shouldn’t complain about getting what I wanted - Kaladin having fun. He settled for putting him in a headlock and messing up his hair.

 

Notes:

Wow, what an emotional roller coaster for poor Adolin.

Chapter 28: An Informal Celebration

Summary:

After the formal event, Adolin joins the gang at Jez's Duty. Shallan and Kaladin get sloppy drunk. Adolin reprimands Kaladin.

Notes:

CW drunkenness, oral sex

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Finally the formal event was over, and Adolin could relax at Jez’s Duty. The whole tavern had been set aside for Adolin’s celebration, and many people were there to help celebrate his new Radiant status. Bridge Four had saved them three seats at a large group of tables put together in the centre of the room. Adolin was still feeling emotionally drained and confused from earlier, but he didn’t want to let that storm up his night. Not everyone gets to celebrate when they get their Radiant powers, let alone twice in one day, Adolin thought as he sat to cheers. He could feel the positivity in the room, and saw laughterspren zipping around like tiny silver skyeels. He had Shallan on his left and Kaladin on his right. It felt wonderful to be in public with them both. For now, he could let go of his worries and just enjoy himself. 

“I like the people here. They sound...more open to growth,” Maya said, listening from his collar.

Adolin nuzzled his chin into her and smiled. “The only direction these people will be growing in is louder,” he chuckled back softly.

“Whazzat?” Shallan slurred from beside him. The wine “tasting” from earlier had turned into much larger cups of much darker wine, and she was making no effort to burn it off. At least Veil could ride the edge between tipsy and drunk, he thought. I guess Shallan needs more practice to get it right. As he leaned over to remind her to burn it, Kaladin leaned across him in a very un-Alethi manner. 

“Hey. Hey! Shallan. He wants to tell you that he loves you,” Kaladin whisper-yelled. He had much less experience with drinking, and when he did drink he usually got quieter, not louder. It was nice not to watch him descend into a depressed silence, but he wasn’t sure what to make of this. Adolin sat still, confused, as Kaladin reached over and pulled her sleeve. “Shallan! Shallan!...Shallan!” He whisper-yelled again, increasingly obnoxiously.

She leaned very close to Kaladin’s face, directly over Adolin’s lap. “What?”

“I have a secret,” Kaladin said, loud enough that everyone could hear, even if they hadn’t already stopped talking and started staring at them. Kaladin put his hand up to Shallan’s ear. “Guess what? I love you too Shallan!” 

Skar, Drehy, and Dabbid made “awwww” noises as Kaladin giggled, just realizing that everyone was listening. Joyspren flew like little blue leaves caught in an upwind above Kaladin’s head. That's the first time he's said 'I love you', and he's doing it drunk, Adolin thought, his sentimentality mixed with a vague sense of disappointment. Outwardly he shrugged, giving a look of befuddled amusement to the Bridge Four men, who were laughing into their cups. 

“I have never seen Kaladin this relaxed,” Skar said.

“Or this, uh, demonstrative,” Sigzil added.

“Or this drunk,” Drehy grinned.

“Or this obnoxious,” Adolin said, trying to decide whether he was more amused or embarrassed. Sober Kal would die of embarrassment if he saw himself like this...right? He wasn’t so sure anymore.

Renarin and Rlain, having their own conversation further down the table, didn’t seem to notice the scene.

Drehy winked at Dabbid. “We could have some serious fun tonight. Eh Dabbid?”

Dabbid was already beaming with pride. “It’s good to see him happy,” he said in his slow, careful manner. “It makes me happy too. Hopeful.”

A gloryspren emerged near Dabbid, and Kaladin tried to poke at it with a finger. “These looked really weird in Shadesmar,” he mused loudly. “Like...gross...things.” He turned to Adolin as though just seeing him for the first time. “Adolin. Adolin!” Kaladin yelled, grabbing Adolin’s face. They touched noses, and Kaladin’s eyes welled with tears. “You were so brave in Shadesmar... did I ever tell you that? You’re the bravest people I know. Adolin!”

“I’m right here, Kaladin.” He chuckled, pushing him back a bit. This is pretty amazing to see.

“Adolin. I love you.” He kissed Adolin on the cheek, and Adolin and half the table blushed. 

“Oh, uh, thanks Kal, I love you too, but burn off the alcohol, okay?” he smiled, rubbing his unexpectedly wet cheek. Now he's embarrassing the whole table. He sighed. I’m going to have to do something about this, aren’t I?

“That’s soooo cuuute!” Shallan sang from his other side. She was squishing her cheeks together, and there were starspren in her eyes. “Kaladin! KALADIN!”

“What?”

Her face got very serious. “Don’t join any dangerous cults.” She leaned in across Adolin again and wagged her finger. “You should practice safe sects!” she yelled. The whole table groaned, and Dabbid looked uncomfortable. 

Adolin rolled his eyes, his embarrassment growing. Shallan and Kaladin were being foolishly drunk, but he also knew this was his Nightwatcher’s curse for getting exactly what he wanted. Given how much both of them had had to drink, he had decided not to have much at all. Plus, he wanted to remember this night - it was special, and he definitely wanted to remember what these two said so he could make fun of them later. 

“Burn it off, you two,” he repeated, pushing them apart again. It seemed neither of them did, so when the server came around, Adolin informed her that Shallan and Kaladin were both switching to water for the time being. “Until you can behave,” he admonished them, smiling but increasingly irritated inside. I wanted to relax, not babysit.

Kaladin had turned his attention to the men of Bridge Four. “Skar. Skar. Drehy. Everybody! Look at Shallan. And look at Adolin. Aren’t they great? They’re great,” he gushed, grinning. He grabbed Adolin’s hand with one hand, and reached over and grabbed Shallan’s freehand with the other. “They are so special. You can’t let anything happen to them. Nothing. Well nothing bad. They can have good things. They should get aaaall the good things. And you should too. All of you!” With excellent reflexes, the men picked up their drinks just in time for Kaladin to gesture wildly across the table. 

“We’re very happy for you, Kaladin,” Drehy smiled. “Cheers to Kaladin for finding two wonderfully good things! And of course, to you too Adolin and Shallan!”

They all cheersed again. Adolin laughed as Shallan drank - she hadn’t noticed he’d switched her to water. 

“There’s a cheers for this in Azir,” Sigzil said. “Let’s see if I can remember it. To the bride and the bride...no wait, that’s wrong...hold on.” He frowned in thought.

Kaladin was still holding their hands. “Lookit how beautiful Shallan’s hand is. She’s so beautiful.” The others looked away. Kaladin was getting too intimate, even for this setting. Shallan gazed at him lovingly. “Go on,” she invited, smiling. 

“Yes, okay, don’t lay it on too thick now Kaladin,” Drehy rolled his eyes at Skar, and he laughed. Is Kaladin actually going too far? He’s never like this. Adolin’s irritation grew. Kaladin leaned in. “You should see what I did to her OTHER -”

“Okay bridgeboy,” Adolin interrupted, jumping up and yanking Kaladin out of his chair by his collar. “That’s enough!” He leaned in. “Burn it off now or we’re going outside,” he growled, shaking him a little. 

Kaladin crossed his arms and made a sour grumpy face, which caused Shallan to make more cutesy noises. Kaladin’s mouth quirked into a half smile. “You know, you’re cute when you’re angry,” he said loudly. 

“Looks like you’ve got double trouble, sir,” Skar laughed. 

“We can watch this one if you need to discipline your recruit there,” Drehy added, gesturing to Shallan. 

Adolin took them up on their offer, thanking them. He grabbed the scruff of Kaladin’s jacket more securely, then pushed him outside. 

“What are you doing?” Kaladin exclaimed. “It’s a really funny story!”

“It’s funny for us ,” Adolin growled again, “Not for everyone else. Not even for Bridge Four,” he put a finger in Kaladin’s face before he could say anything else. “What’s gotten into you tonight? You’ve been drinking way more than you normally do. Don’t you go by the Codes still?”

“What, I can’t have fun?” Kaladin slurred.

Adolin could feel the eyes of onlookers as he scolded the storming saviour of Urithiru for having too much fun. He flushed furiously, shaking with anger. I’m so used to Kaladin being the protector, I guess I assumed he always would be. It was good for Kaladin to let loose. Still, he was mad he had decided to let loose tonight, of all nights. I’m more angry than I should be. It’s not his fault.  

Frustrated, he looked around for a more private place to talk. He pushed Kaladin into a narrow, dark space between the buildings to get some privacy. Kaladin squirmed in Adolin’s grasp. For all that he was drunk, Kaladin was still able to wriggle himself out of his jacket to free himself. He took a few steps deeper into the alley, then turned to Adolin and grinned wickedly. “Are you challenging me to a duel?” he demanded.

“Kaladin, this isn’t a joke!” Adolin was tired of playing games. “That comment was over the line! Burn it off and come to your senses!” He grasped the front of Kaladin’s shirt, but he ducked out of it, too, stumbling a bit, then turned to face Adolin, hunching down in preparation.

“Make me,” Kaladin said, running his tongue along his teeth, a challenge in his eyes. 

Adolin sighed and took off his own jacket, placing their clothing carefully on the ground. If he ruins my clothes I will be so mad!  

As he suspected, Kaladin was hard to catch. Even this drunk he’s still so storming strong! After some scuffling, twisting, and wrestling, Adolin grabbed one of his wrists and yanked him up and back, the wrist up over Kaladin’s head against the wall, forcing him backwards and throwing him off balance. With his other hand, Adolin grabbed Kaladin’s other wrist and forced it up too, crossing his wrists above his head and grabbing them both with one wrenching grasp to keep him still. I might give him bruises, but he will not...stop...squirming! He pushed Kaladin’s back up against the wall, using all his own weight to hold him there, and set his knee up against Kaladin’s crotch to stabilize his legs. Kaladin continued to wriggle, unsuccessfully.

“Storming... stay...still!” Adolin growled as he fumbled in his pocket with his free hand. He pulled out an infused sphere and shoved it in his face. “Now yield and burn it off already!” 

His face was close to Kaladin’s, and he could smell the wine on his breath, the sweat from the contest. Kaladin’s panting slowed. 

“Fine...I yield,” he said, still squirming a bit. Then he breathed in some Stormlight. 

A light blinked on behind Kaladin’s eyes. “Oh, Adolin, I’m so sorry! I almost - storms! ” he said, apparently sober and instantly contrite. Adolin didn’t release, maintaining his iron hold on Kaladin against the wall. 

“Swear an oath not to do that again!” Adolin said. 

“I swear it on Syl, I’ll never do that again,” Kaladin responded honestly, giving Adolin an earnest, pleading look. Those storming eyes, Adolin thought, feeling their emotion. He still felt angry, but he couldn't direct it at him anymore. Adolin relaxed a bit. 

The corner of Kaladin’s mouth pulled towards a smile as he sensed the position he was in. “Wow, this is what you do to me when you’re mad at me? This is hardly any kind of punishment. I should be bad more often...” He shifted his body slightly against Adolin’s, and his eyes turned smouldering. Suddenly Adolin’s anger ignited into desire. 

“Storm you,” Adolin said, and kissed him. His mouth was yielding and warm, inviting forgetfulness. He kept his hold on Kaladin’s arms at first, dropping the dun sphere and running a hand along his sweaty, bare chest, keeping away from his cock just in case. Kaladin didn’t try to release his hands, but pressed his body against Adolin’s and writhed teasingly. 

Feeling himself getting hard, Adolin freed Kaladin’s hands to let him roam his body. Kaladin immediately got under Adolin’s shirt and ran his hands up and down his back as they kissed. Adolin had stopped thinking about Kaladin’s drunken annoyances and was only focused on how deeply he could kiss him. Kaladin pressed against him, and a storm of energy spread from his stomach up into his chest until he felt like he might burst. Kaladin ran his finger up Adolin’s spine, and he gasped with pleasure. 

Kaladin pushed Adolin away and turned so they switched places, Kaladin pushing Adolin against the wall instead. Kaladin reached into Adolin’s pants and freed his cock, which was fully erect and throbbing. Kaladin hadn’t wetted it, but somehow his hand moved smoothly across it as though it was perfectly lubricated. Adolin pressed his face into Kaladin’s shoulder to cover the sound of his moans. He bit Kaladin’s shoulder as he started to lose control of his legs and hips, moving with Kaladin’s hand. The sounds of their heavy breathing mingled around them.

Kaladin turned Adolin around to face the wall, and Adolin rested his forehead against the cold stone as he pressed back into Kaladin’s body, his ass against Kaladin’s bulge as Kaladin continued to stroke his cock. Kaladin is an amazing spearman, Adolin thought dimly as the pleasure ran underneath his balls and up past his asshole. Kaladin was handling him perfectly. Up and down with the right rhythm, around and across the tip with his thumb. Adolin lost himself entirely to pleasure, and didn’t notice when he pulled down Adolin’s pants and squatted to bite at Adolin’s ass and thighs, even as he maintained his rhythm. This man is perfect, he thought, the bites shooting pleasure up his spine. Passionspren fell around them. Kaladin licked his lower back, and Adolin came suddenly, splattering the wall like a layer of crem. After Adolin had taken a few long breaths, Kaladin turned him around again and cleaned his cock with his mouth. Suddenly, all the tension of the day was gone, and Adolin heaved a huge sigh of relief. 

Kaladin helped Adolin pull his pants up in the dim light, then stood. Kaladin pulled him in by the waist and hugged him close, his head resting on Adolin’s shoulder. Adolin held him, the warmth of his body bringing him back to the present. “Thank you for saving me from a death of embarrassment back there,” Kaladin said softly into his ear. “And maybe this isn’t the best place to say it, but it’s been too long and I don’t want to wait anymore. I love you, Adolin. I’ve loved you for a long time.”

He loves me sober! Adolin’s heart sang, and he squeezed him. “I love you too, Kaladin.” He kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you for telling me. I know it’s not easy for you.” They stayed there for a perfect moment, then Adolin pulled back. “And thank you for what you just did. I feel a thousand times better," he smiled and put a finger in Kaladin’s chest, "but that’s not going to get you out of keeping an eye on Shallan tonight. Make her burn off the alcohol. I have to mingle.” 

They did their best to get their clothes back on straight by the light of another sphere, and put their jackets back on. Adolin noticed a string sticking out from Kaladin’s jacket, and he discovered that a seam was torn. Oh storms, I bet that was me when I yanked him out the door. Now I have to take him back to the tailor.

They stepped out of the alley just as Shallan and some of the Bridge Four men stepped out of the tavern. The two groups froze and stared at each other for a moment, and then the group from the tavern started laughing. Adolin grinned and Kaladin blushed. 

“Have you been properly reprimanded for your drunkenness?” Sigzil joked.

“Huh - yeah. Sorry, guys, and sorry Shallan,” Kaladin said sheepishly, looking down and rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sober now. I’ll try to keep shorter reins on my excitement.”

“Oh don’t do that, gancho,” Lopen said, standing on the door of the building, perpendicular to everyone. “That’s all wrong. I missed it, sure, on account of getting here late. You gotta do it again!” They laughed, and Kaladin joined in. Adolin’s heart leaped to see him laughing instead of shutting down. He smiled at Kaladin and patted his back in a friendly gesture.

“We’re getting CHOUTA!” Shallan exclaimed, hugging Kaladin. Adolin winced internally. Kaladin immediately pulled Shallan off him and held her freehand instead. The men laughed and teased her, and Adolin relaxed. That’s what I love about these guys. Kaladin turned to Adolin as he steadied her. “I guess I’m heading out with them. You want one?”

“Nah, I don’t want to get my clothes dirty,” Adolin said. He headed back into Jez’s Duty to find Renarin, or dance, or sing, or maybe all of those things at once. It had been a long day with many emotions, but now that his head was clear, and Shallan was being cared for by Kaladin, he felt like he could actually relax. 

"You...had fun!" a small crinkly voice said from his collar. Adolin froze. 

"Were you...were you watching us?" he asked, already dreading the answer.

"Of course!...I like it when...you're happy!" Maya answered cheerily.

"We're going to have to talk about privacy," Adolin said. How do I explain this to her?  "Later." He made a mental note to ask Shallan for help. 

Notes:

It's been a long day for Adolin. He deserved a treat didn't he?

Also Kaladin drunk whisper screaming like a 20-something at a bar made me laugh very very hard! Finally all his hard work at letting go is finally starting to pay off... XD

MadxMellon (@mellonmellonmellon on Tumblr, @madxmellonart on Instagram) made some fanart for this chapter!

A digital illustration of Shallan, Adolin, and Kaladin by MadxMellon art. Shallan and Kaladin heavily lean on either side of Adolin’s shoulders. Shallan’s hair is curly, red, and a little frazzled with two braids coming up beside her ears. She wears a faintly purple dress with loose sleeves, and lighter pink accents including beads across her shoulder. Her expression is wide open, as she gazes across Adolin towards Kaladin with an open-mouthed grin on her face. Adolin wears a Kholin blue uniform, with some flowers and leaves pressed into the collar and sides of his jacket. His expression is stern, and he looks down at Kaladin with a frown on his face. Kaladin’s eyes are slightly closed, and he smiles back at Shallan with an arm around Adolin’s shoulders, stooping heavily. He wears a mostly black outfit, with a cropped jacket with amethyst accents, including an inner lining that is revealed through his slouching.

Chapter 29: Plans

Summary:

The next morning, our intrepid OT3 snuggle and fuck and cuddle and chat and make plans.

Notes:

CW oral sex

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shallan

 

The next morning, Shallan woke up slowly and groggily. Am I still in my clothes? Why am I on top of the covers? She was vaguely aware of her arm draped over Adolin’s side as she spooned him. She cuddled up to him and pulled him in tight, and long hair tickled her face. That’s not right… She opened her eyes and discovered that it was Kaladin she was snuggling, and Adolin was on his other side. She grinned. He and Adolin were also still in their clothes. We must have stayed out so late that we were too tired to even change. Kaladin responded to her squeeze and turned onto his back, slowly opening his eyes. 

Orienting himself to the room, Kaladin sat up with a start. 

“Good morning, Kaladin,” Shallan whispered in a soft tone. He relaxed when he saw her smiling at him. 

“Well, that’s a first,” he said quietly, rubbing his face. “Good morning Shallan,” he added, sinking slowly down into the pillows again. He gestured with his chin. “Looks like he’s still asleep.” 

Shallan looked over to Adolin, who was snoring softly, facing away from them. “He’s a heavy sleeper,” Shallan whispered. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not hungover, if that’s what you’re asking.” He stared at the ceiling for a moment, then looked over at her. “I have to say I haven’t slept this well in a long time. I actually feel rested for once. You?” He smiled. Oh, it’s so good to see him smile. She reached out and squeezed him again.

“I feel great, and I believe I owe that to you, my dear, because I don’t think anyone else would have convinced me to burn off the alcohol. I was pretty obnoxious. Sorry about that,” she conceded. The chouta had gotten her stability started, and then Kaladin had convinced her to burn the rest off somehow. Usually even Adolin couldn’t do that. 

“You were worse than Veil. You know you told Sigzil to practice safe sex about eleven times?” Kaladin smirked. 

Shallan snorted and blushed. "Doesn't sound like something I'd say. Not to Sigzil anyway."

They lay in silence for a while, Kaladin’s eyes tracing the air, and his mouth moving slightly. He’s probably talking to Syl.  

Shallan thought back to Adolin’s formal celebration. Jasnah had immediately found her and pulled her aside to try to order her to have a baby again, heavily implying that because Shallan was Radiant, she was in control of her reproduction and was being belligerent about not following orders. Shallan had been done with that - she’d said that yes, she is in control of her reproduction, thank you very much, and the Queen would do well to remember that. She smiled. That had felt very good. She still didn’t know whether she wanted a baby, and she was still confused by the thought that if she did, she might want one with Kaladin, but now she felt more comfortable with not knowing, thanks to Adolin’s healing kiss. It was funny how it didn’t solve the problem, but rather the problem kind of stopped being a problem. Or, put another way, that Jasnah had been the problem, not Shallan. 

She looked over at Kaladin again and smiled joyfully. Kaladin had been in such a good mood, and he looked so handsome in his ensemble, and he'd wanted to come to the celebration with them. It had made her heart sing to think that he wanted to be with her in that way. He does love me. Even if he can’t say it, I can feel it. They’d had so much fun teasing the wine attendant, and then Renarin, pretending they didn’t know how to spit out wine. 

Then at Jez’s Duty, when she had been at her most belligerent, Kaladin had convinced her to burn off some of the alcohol. She thought about it. She had been nervous about going out together, about what it might cost Kal to be out as being with them. Maybe she had been drinking to take the attention away from him? I guess once he told me he didn’t want that, it was easier to stop?

She caught his eyes and rolled towards him, and he turned onto his side facing her. They found each other’s hands and stayed like that for a few moments, simply enjoying each other’s presence. A single joyspren flew up into the air and disappeared. She wasn’t sure if it was his or hers. Maybe both. As she touched his large, calloused hands, she gazed into his beautiful brown eyes, deep as a chasm, and as full of life. She would be happy to be lost in them forever. 

“Last night. You remember how you said you loved me?" she whispered, running her fingertips over his neatly trimmed nails. 

He grimaced. “I remember being pretty drunk at the time. Let me try again.” Shallan's heart skipped a beat as he searched her face. He removed a hand and started petting her hair gently. “Shallan, I’ve been really confused with you.” I’ve been confused too - what do you really feel about me? “I don’t feel the same, uh, sexual urges that I feel with Adolin. They’re there some of the time, but it’s inconsistent, and I still don't know what it means.” She knit her brow thoughtfully. I didn’t know it could be like that. Her own urges had always been very clear to her. “But Shallan, what’s consistent is that I really want to be with you, talk to you, learn from you, be close to you, make you happy.” She closed her eyes and felt his fingers in her hair, just listening.

He lifted himself up on his elbow and leaned over her. “Remember a couple weeks ago at my place, when you were talking about what you learned when you kissed Adolin, you said that most of it is outside your control? It’s like that with how I feel about you. It's out of my control, but maybe it can be okay anyway. You told me that whatever I feel for you, it’s okay. Do you still feel that way, even if it's not what either of us expected?”

Shallan opened her eyes and nodded. She had suspected he might not be as interested in her as she was in him, and this explanation helped her understand better. She felt reassured that he wasn't trying to push through just to please her. She smiled. He wants to be with me . “Yes Kaladin. I still feel that way.”

Kaladin’s face relaxed more. “Good. I don’t know why I thought that my love for you and Adolin should be exactly the same. But I think I can let that go now.” He looked back and forth in her eyes, and held the side of her head, running his thumb from her temple, above her ear towards the back of her head. It felt very soothing, to be held by him. “I love you Shallan. In some way or another since the chasms. I admire you. You confuse me too, but in a way that forces me to learn more about myself. I want to keep getting closer to you. I hope you feel that way too.” He examined her face nervously.

She pulled him in closer, their noses touching, and she brushed his hair out of his face. “I absolutely want to be closer to you. I love you too. I want you to be happy," she whispered, and even though she'd said it tens of times, she could feel him relax into her. He might actually believe me this time . "Let’s make this work for both of us. Like a wise woman said, if it’s outside my control I can let it go.” She winked. “Besides, you still like kissing, right?”

He smiled and nodded, already looking at her lips. His mouth parted for her, soft and yielding, and they wrapped their arms around each other, pulling their bodies even closer, their legs entwining, trying not to wake up Adolin. Her body warmed in his embrace, the echo of his I love you reverberating across her skin. She squeezed him as close as she could, and a tear escaped her eye. It had been a delight to wake up with Kaladin beside her, and to be able to start the day with a kiss, to be able to cuddle with him...it was perfection. To hear those lovely words from him, to know for sure he loved her, was as precious as all of Roshar. She gasped, emotion overwhelming her. She moved her hips closer, and she could feel him responding to her touches. As she started to wonder whether he was interested, she heard him breathe in sharply. She stopped. 

“Are you okay?” she murmured. 

“Well you know what I just said about not wanting to do sexual things that often…”

“Yes?”

“Well, um, can today be an exception?”

She grinned. “Absolutely.” 

Kaladin carefully wiggled out of his pants, still back to back with Adolin, who was snoring softly. 

Shallan unsleeved her safehand. She ran her hands along Kaladin’s exposed skin, along his hip and down his thighs before sliding her hand up again to cup his spheres. Kaladin simultaneously lifted up her havah skirts to touch between her legs. They kissed and touched each other, their breaths becoming more difficult to keep quiet. The smack of their lips and their hums of pleasure got louder. Shallan licked her hand and reached down again to grasp his cock, wrapping her hand around it and sliding it to the rhythm of his hips. He, in turn, maintained an increasing rhythm and pressure on her gem, sliding down to gather more lubrication. Shallan lost her focus on the kissing as he touched her, and felt a tension growing inside. She panted as the warmth spread deep into her, piercing her core, opening her up until she came, bucking her hips into him in a spasm of release. Kaladin rode her wave of pleasure with her and kept up his rhythm until she came again, and then rode it through a third time. She tried to cover up her moans with Kaladin’s mouth, calling into him. 

As her body settled, Kaladin whispered, “Quiet, Shallan, Adolin is sleeping.”

“Actually, Adolin’s awake,” Adolin said, rolling over and peeking his head over Kaladin’s shoulder. “You two are particularly hot to listen to. Judging by how enthusiastic you sound, Shallan, I can’t believe you didn’t realize how much you wanted Kaladin before.” He clucked his tongue teasingly, and she grinned. Adolin stretched. “Also, Shallan was telling everyone to practice safe sects , not safe sex. Don’t join a dangerous cult. Practice safe sects.” They both groaned. 

“That does sound like you, Shallan,” Kaladin said.

She stuck her tongue out at him then looked to her husband. “Adolin, dear, since you’re awake anyway, would you mind ensuring Kaladin is quite cuddled while I kiss his cock?” She shared a smile with Kaladin, but saw Adolin’s face fall a bit. What is that about? She raised a quizzical eyebrow at Adolin. 

Adolin nodded, quickly recovering his smile. “Yeah, I can do that,” he said pleasantly. He wrapped his arms around Kaladin from behind and snuggled in. "What a pleasant task for a wife to assign her husband, to kiss their boyfriend..." He started gently kissing the back of Kaladin’s neck. Well, he seems fine...I’ll have to ask him about that later. Kaladin was already reaching back to touch Adolin’s hair. 

Shallan shuffled down the bed and wrapped her mouth around Kaladin’s cock, wetting it and eliciting a strangled moan from Kaladin. 

“You don’t have to be quiet anymore, Kaladin,” Adolin said into his neck, still planting kisses. 

Shallan leaned back and added, “Everyone knows we’re all together now. There’s no reason to hide it or hold back.”

She resumed her attention on him, licking his spheres, enjoying the way he opened his legs up. Adolin held his knee up for him, allowing her to get in deeper, underneath his spheres in that secret place of pleasure. Kaladin moaned louder. She could feel his body responding to Adolin’s touches and kisses, and her licking. She had never heard him make these noises before - they were surprisingly high pitched. She liked it, and wanted to hear more. She resumed with his spear, her unsleeved safehand at the base, helping set the pace for her mouth. With her other hand she helped herself to another orgasm. It helped her relax the back of her throat, and she was able to fit in more of Kaladin. 

He was full and hard, and she could feel him throbbing at the back of her throat. She loved that she could do that to him, even if it didn’t happen quite as often as she had wanted at first. I can adjust, she thought as she smiled around it, sliding it between her lips, feeling the shape of the head, the upward curve. She could hear him moan, and heard Adolin whispering something into his ear. She brought her wet free hand back up and cupped his spheres. Kaladin was rocking his hips back and forth, into each of them in turn. His breaths got shallower, and his voice sounded needier. His hands found her head but he came before he could move her, and he held her there instead. She swallowed him with enthusiasm, and followed his lead in slowly removing her mouth from him.

When she scooted back up the bed, she saw Adolin had lifted Kaladin’s shirt up and had been touching his chest and stomach. Kaladin’s face was flushed and there was a sloppy smile on his face. “I thought I was in trouble with one of you at a time,” he said, slurring his words slightly. Her eyes met Adolin’s, and they shared a moment of pride. 

“How about you?” Shallan asked Adolin.

Adolin smiled and pushed open the collar of Kaladin’s shirt, revealing bite marks on his shoulder. “I had a taste last night. How are your wrists, Kal?”

“Oh. Uh, a little sore but okay,” Kaladin said, apparently noticing the bruises on his wrists for the first time. 

“Didn’t you burn off the alcohol with Stormlight? How much were you drinking that you didn’t clear those bruises too?” Shallan asked incredulously. “You must’ve been worse off than me!”

He was so drunk he almost told the story of your Stormblessed safehand at the tavern,” Adolin said chidingly, rolling off the bed. He slapped his thighs. “Well, I’m going to go make sure there’s breakfast put out for three. You two sit tight.”

Shallan pinched his cheek. “Bad boy!”

“Yes, I know. I won’t do it again,” he drawled. “It’s a good thing we had Adolin to watch out for us last night.” Shallan sighed and nuzzled into the crook of Kaladin’s arm, and he idly watched a sunbeam as it ever so slowly stretched across the room. “I hope my parents aren’t too worried about me. I always either come home or tell them where I’ll be.” 

“They knew you were out with us, so I’m sure they won’t worry too much,” Shallan said. “Well, your mother at least. I get the feeling your father needs things to worry about, so really you’re doing him a favour.” She grinned. “Remember at dinner when he said, ‘ You have to protect him ’? I can see where you get it from.” Lirin is a very intense man. He might actually break his oath to protect if I don’t keep Kaladin safe...not that I needed to be persuaded...

Kaladin flushed but said nothing.

“You got the day off at the clinic like you said you would, right?” Shallan asked.

“Well, the morning anyway,” Klaadin shrugged. “We have inventory coming up and it’s a lot of work to leave to my parents. I can’t laze about if they have lots to do.”

Adolin reentered the room and jumped on the bed between them. “You darkeyes are all the same, always working. You should relax sometimes.” Kaladin rolled his eyes, and Adolin grabbed him and messed up his hair. He sat back to look at his handiwork, his head cocked to the side, then traced the bite marks with his finger. “Although last night you were the most relaxed I’ve ever seen you,” he admitted, and started fixing Kaladin’s hair with his fingers. “We’ll have to make you presentable before you go. Actually, speaking of presentable, I should probably tell you that Dalinar invited you to family dinners. Open invitation.”

Kaladin’s mouth dropped open, and Shallan thought, it’s about time, Navani. How long were you working on that? “Well that’s not surprising,” she said. “He’s practically wanted to adopt Kaladin since the day they met.” She winked at Kaladin. 

Kaladin was still staring at Adolin. “Does that mean he - approves? Of me? Of us?”

Adolin nodded. “I think Navani put him up to it, but yeah. He said he’d be a hypocrite if he tried to enforce arbitrary rules about how people live their lives. It’s Queen Jasnah that I’m more worried about."

Shallan agreed. "I had to tell her off yesterday for the baby thing again.”

Adolin turned to her. “You told her off? I was so intimidated I couldn’t say anything!” 

She raised her head proudly. “We can’t all be as brave as me.”

Adolin's smile fell. "Oh, I also promised her I would have you record my experiences with bonding Maya. She wants to know all the details ." He grimaced. "How do I talk about it without talking about sex? I don’t really know how I’m healing mental wounds. And I can't even use Abrasion…"

Kaladin smirked. "Tell that to your cock and asshole. I haven't needed to use any lubrication for a couple weeks." Adolin looked to Shallan, and she shrugged. 

"I didn't put it together until just now, but yeah. He's got a point."

Adolin flushed dramatically and they all laughed. How will we possibly explain this to Jasnah, or any other scholar? Shallan wiped her eyes from the tears of laughter, and Kaladin put his hand to his chest and took a deep breath to calm himself. He turned to Shallan.

“What about your brothers, Shallan? Do they know? About us, I mean, not about Adolin's Radiant cock.” 

Shallan smiled, then felt chagrined. “Actually, they don’t. I should fix that today.” She had been working with them on tracking Mraize, and somehow it hadn’t come up.

“Oh, that reminds me, “ Adolin snapped his fingers, “Kaladin, I wrecked your jacket last night and I’ll need to take it to the tailor's to fix it. Actually, I was wondering…” He batted his eyes at Kaladin. “Would I be able to convince you to go out again to create a new ensemble? I mean, you've already been seen in this one. I promise to not interfere too much this time.”

Kaladin rolled his eyes. “I would never hold you to that promise,” he said, and Shallan laughed. 

“Actually, now that you mention it, I do have a couple of ideas,” Kaladin said. Adolin’s eyes lit up with delight.

I love these men. “Let’s get changed, and then get some breakfast. I’m starving,” Shallan said. “Then I’ll let you use one of my sketchbooks for your designs.”

“Ok, but I can’t stay too long,” Kaladin and Adolin said at the same time. 

“I have some scribes to orient today,” Adolin explained. 

“And I need to get back to the clinic this afternoon,” Kaladin added.

“And I have to talk to my brothers,” Shallan said. 

“In that case, let’s not waste any time lazing about,” Kaladin drawled mockingly, already getting off the bed. He grabbed a random shirt from Adolin’s drawer and threw it at him. “Unless you can’t bear to do any work, Highprince Lighteyes.”

I want this moment to last forever, Shallan thought as her men bickered lightly at each other. I've never felt so secure. This is perfect.

Notes:

Who doesn't love an accidental domestic soft and sexy morning? And a declaration of love?

You'll notice I never specified a sexual orientation for Kaladin and that's because I don't know what it is. He's still figuring it out himself, so how am I, the lowly author, supposed to know? ;)

Chapter 30: A Family Affair

Summary:

Dalinar hosts a family dinner with Kaladin in attendance. He announces a plan.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

Updated 2022-Feb 19 to be more accurate to canon (ie they have dinner like proper Vorins)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Dalinar

A week after Dalinar’s invitation, Kaladin joined the family for dinner. Dalinar, Adolin, and Kaladin had eaten in the men’s dining room, a silent and only mildly awkward affair, which Dalinar considered a win. Navani, Jasnah, and Shallan had eaten in the women’s, and it seemed they had enjoyed their time as usual. As was tradition, after they had eaten they all met up again in the conversation room for a digestif of sapphire wine. Of course, Dalinar had switched to orange over the years, and Kaladin joined him. “It’s good to have you here, son,” Dalinar said pleasantly, raising his glass to the young man. “I’m glad you took me up on my invitation.”

“Hear, hear,” Navani said, raising her glass with a smile. Jasnah inclined her head slightly, her glass up, and took a sip.

Despite the comfortable seat he was in, Kaladin was sitting extremely stiffly. His head was facing forward, but he was staring intensely at Jasnah out of the corner of his eye. An anxietyspren was wiggling on the arm of the chair, by the boy’s elbow. “It’s an honour to be here, sir,” Kaladin replied, forgetting to lift his glass. He looks like he’s expecting to be hit. Dalinar hoped the evening wouldn’t turn to blows, especially not against Jasnah. A little insubordination from the boy was to be expected, but there was a reason why Dalinar was the one that would be speaking tonight.

Navani sat to his left, all smiles as she chatted with Shallan beside her, who was sitting in Renarin’s usual place. Renarin was off again with the men of Bridge Four as he often was for dinners these days. He seems to really like that Horneater stew. Dalinar shook his head, incredulous. It had been good, but it hadn't been that good.

To Dalinar’s right sat Adolin, speaking to Kaladin, who was sitting in Shallan’s usual place beside him. It appeared Adolin was trying to reassure the boy. Kaladin has handled much worse than a family dinner, Dalinar thought, confused. Perhaps he’s like me, and can’t get used to the vagaries of politics.

Trying to take the pressure off Kaladin, Dalinar looked to Navani. She and Shallan were talking about some new species of plant that had been discovered in the bowels of Urithiru, and he got lost quickly. Biology was not an interest of his. Jasnah, at the far end of the circle, met his eyes with an amused expression. He ignored her mockery and turned back to Adolin, who seemed to be asking Kaladin about clothing design. No, wing design? Jasnah sat quietly, taking in both conversations, then joined with Adolin and Kaladin. Dalinar gave up and decided to simply sip quietly and think.

His gaze landed on some empty chairs at the side of the room. They used to keep an empty place for Elhokar in his memory, but that had ended after their year of mourning. Perhaps it’s past time Gavinor ate with us instead of with the nursemaid. Dalinar wished for his family to grow, to have bigger tables, to see his children having children of their own. Perhaps then I’ll find someone to talk to on my level, he chuckled to himself. So much of what his family did was outside of his comprehension.

He had been convinced by Navani that this strange relationship between Adolin, Shallan, and Kaladin should be allowed, but he still had concerns. How would this be seen by Alethi brightlords and darkeyes? He didn't want to fuel rumours of another Heart of the Revel developing in Urithiru. Would others try to emulate this example, and what effect would that have on an already destabilized Alethi culture and Vorin tradition? He had to admit, though, that a part of him was quite pleased to imagine Kaladin as part of his family. Indeed, in his opinion, Kaladin’s deep connection to Honor was the most compelling argument for their relationship. If his spren agreed with it, then there must be something honourable in it. He glanced over at Kaladin and saw he was looking more relaxed, deep in conversation with Jasnah and Adolin.

Dalinar sighed. The lack of a pool of successors to the throne was an issue. He had asked Jasnah if she would have children as part of her responsibilities as Queen, and she had laughed in his face. Apparently, that was a line his niece wouldn’t go near, but would be happy to shove others across. That didn’t sit well with Dalinar, but there was little he could do about it. As for Renarin - well, he didn’t even bother talking to Renarin. Women still seemed to scare him. He had hoped that spending more time with scribes would help him find a bride, but if anything he was becoming more reclusive, working alone on his Truthwatching abilities, and spending his free time with the men formerly from Bridge Four.

Dalinar agreed with Jasnah that Adolin was their best hope for a stable succession plan for future generations. At first Jasnah hadn’t been worried. She had said that, scientifically, it is propitious for fertility if a man has a competitor. Unfortunately, the natural experiment had not yet borne fruit. Certainly, any child born of Shallan would be a Kholin at least in name; however, in Dalinar’s mind the risk of a darkeyed child increased as time went on, and it didn’t seem worth it to him. At the very least the firstborn should be Adolin’s.

Unfortunately, the Kholin line was not the most pressing concern. The war for Alethkar continued, and it seemed there was a connection between Odium and the Ghostbloods that went beyond Alethkar, beyond Roshar even. In private strategy meetings with Jasnah and Wit, Dalinar had agreed to a plan that he believed was the best one for the protection of Roshar, and it also happened to allow Adolin the best chance to consummate his marriage with legitimate children for the family. Even Navani had eventually relented.

Nearing the end of the evening, though, Dalinar found he still hadn’t brought it up. Jasnah gave him a look, and he knew he would have to do it soon. It’s best to talk about it with everyone here, he thought. Less chance of miscommunication. He knew it would be hard for Adolin to hear. He had his mother’s heart - she had always wanted the family to be together. She was so un-Alethi. And so is Adolin.

He coughed. “Adolin, son, and Shallan, daughter, I need to inform you of an update to our war strategy. Uh, Kaladin,” Dalinar nodded belatedly in Kaladin’s direction. Adolin’s head snapped to attention. Shallan regarded him coolly. Kaladin’s eyes widened.

The others already knew what was coming.

“The Mink has brought us intelligence that points to the strategic importance of Cultivation’s Perpendicularity for the Fused. More recently, Shallan’s Lightweavers have brought other intelligence linking that location with plans that the Ghostbloods are formulating. We need to send a team to the Horneater Peaks to investigate and, if possible, stop them both.”

He braced himself. “In addition, we are in desperate need of intelligence from Shinovar, and Szeth has been itching to go for months. He has only stayed due to my insistence. I had hoped that his mental wellbeing would improve with time in an ardent’s cell; however, it has not. I will need to send Szeth to Shinovar, but someone skilled and knowledgeable in mental healing must supervise him.”

Dalinar saw their faces harden. “This is war, children. You are all needed.”

Adolin broke in. “You promised Kaladin he wouldn’t have to fight -”

Dalinar put out a hand, interrupting him. “That’s why I’m sending him as a surgeon. He is the best mental surgeon we have - the only one we have - and he will be needed in Shinovar to ensure that Szeth maintains a semblance of mental stability. Shallan, I am sending you with a team of your choosing to the Horneater Peaks. Adolin, you will go with the team in case an envoy is needed. Since you did such good work at Lasting Integrity, your reputation may precede you. Oh, and Lift will go with you, to train you in Edgedancing.”

Kaladin’s face had gone ashen. He nodded mutely. Good soldier. Shallan looked impassive. Adolin, on the other hand -

“Father, this is preposterous! You cannot possibly expect me to think that you aren’t doing this on purpose - to - to keep us apart,” he blustered, stammering.

“This is my decision as King of Urithiru.”

Adolin turned to Jasnah. “And this is your decision as well, Jasnah?”

She nodded, her lips pulled to a line. “You are subject to me in this, perhaps even more so than King Dalinar.” She looked at Shallan pointedly.

Shallan wasn’t looking at her. She had turned to Kaladin, who appeared to be breathing in a rapid and shallow fashion. Adolin touched his back, and Kaladin sprang from his seat.

“I...I will do as commanded,” he said. “Please excuse me.” He saluted crisply and ran from the room.

Shallan rushed out of the room after him. Dalinar sighed. The man is still battle shocked. He knew this, but he had hoped that time had healed him some, and that the assignment would be a welcome change from his usual surgeon’s duties. Perhaps he had underestimated how much it might seem like a combat mission. Or, he thought with some trepidation, perhaps I've underestimated how difficult it would be for him to be separated from Adolin and Shallan. He seemed to handle it fine when they went to Shadesmar, he thought idly, rubbing his chin. I thought Adolin was the emotional one.

Adolin’s face was a mask of fury. “This is not okay,” he finally said, standing slowly. “I am going to fix this. We leave together, or not at all.”

“You would choose open rebellion against your Queen rather than let Kaladin complete a non-combat mission for the good of Roshar?” Jasnah asked curiously.

Adolin put down his drink and paced the room with slow, deliberate steps. “I believe there may still be a way to solve this puzzle without resorting to sending Kaladin away alone with Szeth.” He turned stiffly to Dalinar. “How much time before we leave, sir?”

“Ten days,” Dalinar replied. He could see the angerspren by Adolin's feet.

“Very well, you can expect my proposal in five, and I expect both of you to treat it fairly. Mother,” he nodded at Navani. “Your majesties.” Adolin glared at Jasnah and stalked out.

Once he was gone, Navani released a sigh, rubbing her temples.

Jasnah regarded Navani thoughtfully. "You were right," she said, gesturing with her glass. "Adolin might actually be coming into his own as Highprince. I had thought the way he seemed so bored in meetings, he was going to try to breeze through his duties the way he used to. But despite spending a lot of time on this new relationship with the Windrunner, he has also managed his duties and in addition, taken on new projects. Tonight he was able to negotiate a proposal instead of just making a scene. I'm impressed. His work in Shadesmar must have served him well."

"And he immediately saw through your little scheme," Navani mused, pointing at Jasnah and Dalinar. "He knows that you’re splitting them up, although he may not know to what end."

"If they didn't understand our concerns by now I would be very surprised," Jasnah said, taking another sip of wine. "I just worry they might not care. My former ward is strong willed, and she can be completely impervious to propriety at times. I’ve never fully understood her."

"Kaladin is bound by Honor," Dalinar said. "I don't know why I never thought to talk to him directly. I may no longer be his superior officer but I am his king," he smiled indulgently, "and somewhat of a father figure."

Navani and Jasnah shared a look.

"If Adolin is able to come up with a better idea, I'll listen," Jasnah said, "But this plan isn't just about what's good for them - it's about what's good for Roshar. There is no one better than Kaladin to accompany Szeth…unless Adolin has information I'm not privy to, curse him." She swirled the last of her wine in the glass, thinking.

Navani smiled. “I have a feeling he might surprise us again. He’s been quite surprising so far.”

Dalinar slapped his thighs, preparing to stand. "Very well. Let's see what Adolin can come up with. If he can think of a better way, I'll listen to it. But if not, I will send them apart.”

“Agreed,” Jasnah said with finality.

Notes:

I love writing from Dalinar's perspective. He really isn't a good politician.

Get ready for some whump in the next chapter!

Chapter 31: The Mountain Climber

Summary:

Kaladin deals with his feelings and gets unexpected help.

Notes:

CW thoughts of suicide (nothing specific)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Kaladin’s heart was pounding. The sound of his blood rushing through his ears prevented him from thinking anything other than I knew it as he ran down the hallways of Urithiru. Syl flew beside him, still in the form of a formal havah she’d worked on with Adolin for tonight’s special occasion.

“What are you doing, Kaladin?” she asked nervously.

He didn’t answer. Instead, he checked his pouch of infused spheres, found the nearest balcony, and fell towards the horizon.

Windspren cleaved to him as he flew, creating the transparent Shardplate he had gained after saying his Fourth Ideal. Should I accept that I can’t save myself? he thought desperately. Flying usually helped clear his head, but his body was still raging against Dalinar’s words, even after he had left the sight of Urithiru behind. I knew I couldn’t trust lighteyes. I knew I shouldn’t open up. I knew everything would be taken from me. I knew I didn’t have any power. I can’t trust anyone. I’m a fool. Tears fell into the open air. 

“It’s too much, Syl. I can’t handle betrayal after betrayal. I thought I would hurt Adolin, or Shallan would get tired of me. But Dalinar? ” More tears fell, and he curled in on himself as he fell sideways across the landscape. “I never thought...”

Syl interrupted. “Kaladin, he’s a good man! You know that! Maybe he’s just confused. Or maybe it really is the best choice in a bad situation. This is war, after all…” She fiddled with her fingers in front of her, flying backwards in front of Kaladin.

“No.” Kaladin dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. He eyed an open area in the distance, on the foothills of a nearby mountain, and Lashed himself towards it. “No. He is sending me with a man who is unstable. A man I’ve fought multiple times. A man I’ve killed . He wants me dead and out of the way. There’s no other explanation.” He clenched his jaw against the pain, but the tears flowed anyway. He cried out in agony.

It made the most sense in light of his past. Every lighteyes he had trusted had eventually hurt him, betrayed him…it was just a matter of time.

“Come on, Kaladin, Dalinar doesn’t want you dead,” Syl said, tilting her head in exasperation. She pointed at him. “You’re jumping to conclusions. There’s obviously other explanations, and many of them are more realistic than what you’re saying. You’re just getting down on yourself again.”

The farther away he got from Urithiru, the better he could breathe. Eventually, Kaladin settled down on the place he had spotted - a gentle, moss-covered slope on some foothills overlooking a green valley, the landscape lit by the sun. He collapsed into the soft moss, laying on his stomach, and cried insensibly for a long time. 

Eventually he sat up and tried to think it through. It wasn’t about being sent away with Szeth, it was about being sent away from Shallan and Adolin. The realization wrenched his heart as though it were being torn from his body. He racked heaving, ragged sobs, interspersed with soft, piteous whines, feeling like the separation had already happened. He curled up, bringing his knees to his chest, and hugged himself tight, rocking slightly. They all know I’m not good enough for them. His guts lurched as waves of hot shame washed through him. Dalinar knows it. I'm not capable of protecting them. I could only ever be in their way. It’s better to get rid of me… Petals of shamespren floated around him, and painspren grasped at his feet. He pressed his eyes with the heels of his hands . I might as well do it myself and save them the trouble.  

The thought of ending his life surprised him. He looked up again and rubbed his face. He wasn’t surprised that it was there - the thought came up whenever he was exhausted or feeling hopeless - but he realized it had been a long time since it had come up. The reason for that brought an ache to his chest, but it wasn't as debilitating as it had been when he’d started crying. The thought passed, and Kaladin held his hands tight to his chest and cried again for a while, feeling the ache of emotion burn from flame to warm coals. He sighed, wiped his face with his sleeve, and stood, looking for Syl. She probably sensed that thought, I should talk to her, make her feel better. 

He looked around. Syl was nowhere in sight. In front of him was a large valley, green with moss and rockbud vines. A river ran through it, wriggling among the hills like a skyeel. The water sparkled, the reflections of the sun and the mountains mingling together. Lifespren bobbed lazily everywhere, creating a thin rippling layer of green mist that stretched across the valley like a cape. Beyond the valley he could see the opposing mountain range to the one he was sitting on, peaks upon peaks until they were lost to the haze of distance. It was beautiful. He even imagined distant music, haunting and beautiful. Syl’s absence tugged at him. She must be exploring, he thought, uncertain. She didn’t usually leave him when he was like this.  

He couldn’t do anything about it, though, so to distract himself from his unease he sat down again and looked at the moss he was sitting on, brushing it gently with his fingertips. It was strange that it was so soft and still. Shallan would really like this moss, he thought, and then regretted it, feeling the ache in his chest clutch him again with a strangling hold. He squeezed his eyes shut and gasped, holding his hand to his heart. Why does this have to hurt so much? You’re just going on a mission like you’ve done a hundred times before. Kaladin wanted to lie to himself, but couldn’t. He knew it was different this time. This time he was in love, and he couldn’t protect. He wouldn’t be allowed. If one of them died he would have to live with that agony somehow. If both of them died…he felt a cold claw tear into his core. “Syl, I can’t do this,” he said in a dry voice, rocking himself again. “I never should have tried.” He squeezed his eyes shut, but he had run out of tears.

“That’s not very Radiant of you to say,” an amused voice called out. Kaladin whipped around and found that Wit, of all people, was sitting atop a boulder not too far from him. Of course . He was wearing his usual black uniform with the silver sword at his side. The man hopped lightly down from the rock and approached with a smile. “Isn’t it supposed to be ‘life before death’ with you people?” 

“You’re one of them now,” his spren, Design, reminded him from his jacket. “You have to ‘life before death’ too!”

Wit rolled his eyes. “Well that shouldn’t be too hard, should it?”

“What are you doing here?” Kaladin asked, his curiosity quickly overcoming his embarrassment at having been caught crying. After all, it wasn’t the first time Wit had seen him cry.

“Trying to escape this monster,” Wit replied, gesturing to his spren. “She steps on all my stories. They’ve become as flat as she is.”

“That must be why you’ve come to sit on a mountainside,” Kaladin quipped despite himself. “Inspiration.” The slight lift in his mouth faded quickly though, as he looked out across the valley. Still no sign of Syl

“As a matter of fact, you are exactly right.” Wit bowed politely and sat beside Kaladin, moving his side sword out of the way. He wore the same outfit he always wore - a slim black uniform of a style Kaladin guessed was vintage rather than outdated. Wit gestured across the vista before them. “Mountains are a great source of inspiration for artists and philosophers alike. Why was the man climbing the mountain? Because it’s there? Because he wants to make love to it? Who knows,” he said, dismissing his own question with a wave. “The important thing is that the mountain is there, and it’s in the way.” 

Wit turned his body around, still seated, and gestured upwards to the mountain above them. Kaladin followed his gesture and turned, leaning back and craning his neck to take in the towering peak. The mountain was so massive it dominated his vision entirely. The staggering size of it caused him to feel like he was falling for a moment, and he sucked in Stormlight reactively. The rock was jagged and unforgiving; large boulders, slick moss, and narrow ledges would make it a difficult climb. 

“Imagine, if you will, a man climbing this mountain that we’re on - look,” Wit said smoothly, pointing, and Kaladin thought he could see a man wearing a light shirt and riding trousers and boots, lifting himself up onto a large boulder. He thought he could tell the man was shivering, even in the sun. 

“He looks like he’s badly dressed for it,” Kaladin remarked, breathing out the Stormlight he’d pulled in.

“Good of you to notice,” Wit replied. “He didn’t know he’d have to climb a mountain. He just had to do it. He’s never done it before, so he wasn’t well equipped to start. But if he were like you, he would have had some experience in climbing already, and he wouldn’t have to needlessly suffer due to his ignorance...”

The man’s clothes changed to what Kaladin probably would have chosen - a short but warm jacket, a hat and gloves, thick pants, and heavier boots. He held a couple of climbing tools, yet he still struggled hard getting up a steep, rocky incline. Suddenly he slipped, sliding and falling about 30 feet before catching himself.  

“Even with better equipment he can still fall,” Wit sighed and glanced at Kaladin. “Does he give up when he falls?”

“Depends on why he’s climbing, I guess,” Kaladin said, tilting his head to get a different angle on the climb. 

“Is he trying to get to the top, or escape the bottom?” Wit asked with curiosity.

Kaladin frowned. “Neither seems like a reason to give up if he falls.” He pointed. “The incline there is quite steep - it would have been better for him to back up and go around.”

Wit nodded. “I’m sure he would have if he could have seen it from here. But then again, if he was standing where we are, he wouldn’t be climbing, would he?”

“No, I suppose not,” Kaladin conceded. The climber looked at the outcropping again and decided to take a different route around it instead. 

“He may not have the benefit of perspective, but he does have the benefit of experience now that he’s tried it,” Wit observed. “He won’t fall there, in that same way, again.”

Kaladin grunted. “He’ll fall in newer, better ways, I suppose,” he said. He gave Wit a sidelong glance and frowned, suspicious that the man was trying to teach him something again. I’m falling in newer, better ways, he thought. He clenched his jaw but continued watching, his arms anchored behind him as he leaned back to look up. The climber retraced his steps, but didn’t see the path that Kaladin had seen. He tried another way with slick rocks that wore down his stamina quickly. Without getting any further, he eventually collapsed. 

A bit of hope he didn’t know he had escaped and flew from Kaladin. “He was brave to try, but his failure was inevitable,” Kaladin said hollowly, feeling the ache in his heart return.

Wit turned to Kaladin and met his eyes. “Do you think he would have made it further if he had listened to his belayers?”

“Belayers?” Kaladin looked again, and sure enough, he saw other people - some further up the mountain, some below the man. They looked like they were anchored in safely with ropes. They had tossed down some rope and were calling out advice and encouragement. The climber seemed to notice them for the first time.

The climber grabbed a rope, tested it, and slowly but surely half-walked, half-pulled himself up to a shelf, similar to what Kaladin and Wit were sitting on. The man rested, and Kaladin thought he could faintly hear the belayers cheering. 

“What do you think he sees from up there?” Wit asked.

“More mountains!” Design announced gleefully.

“Design,” Wit said with poorly disguised irritation, “You’re stepping on my story again.”

Kaladin stuck his thumb behind him, gesturing to the valley. “The same thing we see - the river, the valley, the mountains.”

Wit smiled at him. “Turn around. Look more closely. Really take it in.” Kaladin obliged him and turned around again to face the valley fully. After having filled his vision with the towering, jagged colossus of the mountain above him, the open valley was a welcome relief. The sun was slowly lowering, and the mighty shadows of the mountains were beginning to cover the valley like a cloak. Kaladin noticed he was starting to feel a bit calmer about everything. There was still an ache in his heart, but he could breathe again. 

Wit nodded. “Now, fly us up to where the man was.” Kaladin stood and looked up. The images from the story were gone, but the shelf was there. He shrugged and touched Wit’s shoulder, allowing them both to fall up to the shelf. It only took a minute or two to fly there. 

Wit lurched upon landing, and Kaladin steadied him. There was no moss here, just sharp chips of rock, so they stood. Kaladin looked out, and the view took his breath away. From this angle, he saw beams of light cascading across the mountains nearby, lighting up parts of the valley he hadn’t seen from lower down. The peaks shone pink and orange as the sun started to set. He saw the whole valley now, not just the foothills and the river, but where the river came from, and how the foothills were part of the mountain range. It was, quite literally, a whole new perspective. 

Wit held Kaladin’s shoulder firmly. “He may not have made it to the top of the mountain, but it certainly seems like it’s nicer to be up here than it was down there.”

“This view would be reason enough to climb,” Kaladin said, awe in his voice. “It’s surprising. I can see so much more of the valley than I thought I would be able to see. And there’s more light.”

“Yes, good,” Wit said. He put his hand on Kal’s shoulder. 

“After what Dalinar said...it felt like I had slid all the way down the mountain, and I was lost in the dark again.” Kaladin reflected. “But I guess that wasn’t true. Maybe it was just a shadow that passed over me.” 

“I told you that you would be warm again, Kaladin,” Wit said. “Although I have to admit I didn’t expect you to be warmed on both sides. Congratulations, by the way. In my long life I can say with confidence that what you have with Shallan and Adolin is rare indeed. They are excellent belayers for you. As long as you let them.” 

Just then, Kaladin saw a blue streak of light flying in from far away - Syl! Wit’s words forgotten, Kaladin focused on his spren as she landed on Wit’s shoulder, leaning against his neck as though she were catching her breath. “You know, Kaladin,” she huffed and puffed, “those loves of your life that you’ve been afraid about losing didn’t take this news well, either.” 

Kaladin’s stomach dropped. “What did they -” 

Syl interrupted, putting up a finger and drawing deep breaths, even though she didn’t need to breathe. She sat down on Wit’s shoulder, legs dangling. Wit twisted his neck to see her. 

Kaladin gestured to her urgently, and Syl continued. “Adolin and Shallan went looking for you and they were worried because they couldn’t find you. I found them and told them that you’re ok and I would bring you back. I thought you might just want some time alone to think. But I guess you didn’t?” She eyed Wit warily, and he met her gaze placidly and shrugged mysteriously.

“He was at the planning meeting with Dalinar and Jasnah!” Design said helpfully. “He knew that Kaladin would probably want to have a fly after getting that news, and then it took for ever to -”

“Design, what have I said about making me look less mysterious?” Wit exclaimed. He threw his hands in the air in exasperation.

Ignoring Wit, Kaladin burned with shame and gratitude as he realized he had only been thinking about himself and his own pain. He hadn’t thought about what it might be like for them if he flew away. Maybe they had been afraid for him. Storms and Everstorms. “Syl -” Tears burned his eyes again. He took a breath. “I’m sorry Syl. I should have thought about what it was like for them, and you too. Thank you. I’m glad you told them. I don’t want them to worry about me. You did the right thing.”

“That’s good.” Syl looked relieved. “I didn’t know whether you needed me to be with you or whether I should go back and tell them. You didn’t seem to want to talk, but you were crying instead of staring, and I don’t know, somehow it felt safer to leave you for a while.” Her brow furrowed and she pulled her mouth into a tight, worried bundle. “Whenever you’re sad I just want to cheer you up, but I’ve learned that doesn’t help sometimes. I’ve watched Shallan and Adolin and they seem to be able to just let you feel sad with them, and then it goes away on its own. I want to be able to do that more, even though it’s hard.” Jumping off Wit’s shoulder, she grew to human size and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

Kaladin hugged back, noticing he could slightly feel the weight of her body. He smiled in gratitude. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Sure you do,” she said. “I chose you, didn’t I, silly?” She took his hand in both of hers and shook it slightly, grinning.

The four of them stood silent for a moment, watching the sun cast a Lightweaving of its own, oranges and purples lighting the sky while shadows slowly overtook the valley. Wit brought out a small, strange instrument and played softly, a slow, plaintive melody that evoked in Kaladin the idea that neither light nor dark ever last.

“What am I going to do?” Kaladin asked eventually. “I can’t disobey a direct order. But the thought of being apart from them tears me up inside.”

Wit regarded him slyly. “Well it’s a good thing you’re not climbing this particular mountain alone. It’s easier to climb with belayers, and even easier when your belayers are Radiant.” He winked. “Didn’t you listen to the story? Look, I happen to have some spheres riding on the three of you weaseling your way out of this somehow, and I’d best not be disappointed.”

Kaladin tilted his head, confused. 

Minking your way out of it, then,” Wit said, and rolled his eyes. “Look, Kaladin, this Desolation’s first Lightweaver and the man who brought a dead spren back to life are not inexperienced in impossible situations, and quite frankly neither are you.” He put away the instrument. 

Syl nodded sagely, and Kaladin took the words to heart. As he realized what he’d done, he put his hands to his face and groaned. I should have stayed. I should have talked to them. “You’re right, of course.” He drew his hands down, pulling his face, then looked up to the sky, wishing he’d had the strength to stay. Strength before weakness, Kaladin. An unnameable fear started to gnaw at him as he thought about returning.

“Come on.” Wit took Kaladin’s hands from his face and fixed his jacket. “Let’s get you back to your belayers, it’s getting cold out.” Syl became a ribbon of blue light to lead the way home.

Kaladin put his hand on Wit’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he murmured. “Thanks for being a belayer for me too.” He infused Stormlight into him, Lashing them both into the sky. 

Wit grinned at Kaladin. “I’ve got a soft spot for you, Kaladin - even though you did lose my flute. But thank the Pure Tones I actually found you. If I’d had to get back on my own, Jasnah would’ve killed me.” 

Notes:

It's so hard for Kaladin to trust people, even with the healing he's done so far, and I think that's okay. My opinion is that Kaladin would never blindly trust lighteyes again like he did before he was betrayed by Amaram, and that is a healthy thing because lighteyes are part of an oppressive group that is more likely to harm him. He shouldn't trust easily. Hopefully this chapter gets across the idea that he has realized that Adolin and Shallan have earned some of his trust, even if he can't trust Dalinar like he had hoped. Figuring out who to open up to and how much is hard, independent of mental health stuff.

Chapter 32: Tears

Summary:

Adolin and Shallan search for Kaladin. Maya and Shallan help Adolin cope.

Notes:

CW grief, worries about a loved one with a history of suicide

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

“Which way did they go?” Adolin asked urgently, and the guard pointed. Adolin ran to catch up, but soon realized there wasn’t a trail to follow in these stone hallways. Urithiru is a storming maze , Adolin thought angrily as he ran. You won’t find him by running down every hall. Adolin, stop running and start thinking . He stopped at a crossroads with three options, cursing himself as he stood in indecision. 

It'll be okay Adolin, Maya assured him. We'll figure it out and it'll be fine.

You're right, I just need to calm down, Adolin thought. He hung his head, catching up on his breathing. 

He heard something. Weeping . He knew that sound. He ran towards it and found Shallan alone in a hallway. She was curled up in a seated position, her back to the wall and her forearms across her knees. Painspren appeared in front of her, grasping at her toes. It looked eerily familiar.

“Shallan!” he called and ran to her. She looked up. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks were wet with tears. "Shallan, are you ok?" Adolin asked urgently, checking her for blood or wounds. No, she’s fine. She’s not hurt.  He breathed out slowly to try to stay calm.

“I couldn’t find him,” Shallan cried. “Storming Alethi legs!” She cursed again, her head dropping back to her forearms, and she resumed weeping. She’s not hurt physically, he thought, his eyebrows knitting. His heart broke for his wife. Adolin slid down the wall beside her, and drew her head to his chest, patting her curly hair with his hand.  

He’s gone , Adolin realized with a different sense of dread. 

I need to fix this. This is all my fault. I should've reacted faster, should've known Father had another motive for inviting him. He had let this happen somehow. “It’ll be ok, Shallan,” he said soothingly, even though he didn’t know. "We'll find him."

She sniffled. “What if - What if he…” 

Adolin’s stomach twisted at the thought but he shook his head. “He didn’t. He won’t . He's been doing so much better lately.” He said it with conviction, as though Kaladin might hear him and turn his hand. “Even if we can’t find him, Syl will be with him. She’ll keep him safe.” He had to believe that. 

Shallan nodded and took a deep breath. “I can’t help but feel this is my fault. If we hadn’t found that intelligence about the Perpendicularity…"

“No,” Adolin said firmly, squeezing her in a tight hug. “This isn’t your fault."

It's not your fault either, Adolin, Maya whispered.

Adolin nodded, though he didn't quite believe it. "This is the storming King and Queen's fault, throwing their weight around without any consideration for how it might affect us. Storming lighteyes,” he said, and Shallan choked out a laugh. There, feel better Shallan. Please.

They sat for a moment, trying to decide where he might have gone. They decided he wasn’t likely to go home because he wouldn’t want to interrupt his family’s routine, and he wouldn’t want to talk to his family about it anyway. They considered his old barracks but again, there would be people there who would want to help. Oh Kaladin, why couldn’t you trust us? The thought hurt him more than he could say. He willed his tears to stay in his eyes. 

“Chances are he’s gone flying somewhere,” Shallan concluded. “If I hadn’t been so upset I probably would have thought of that right away.” She wiped her eyes and sniffed.

“You’re right,” Adolin agreed. “No one around that he could worry, who could’ve talked some sense into him. That sounds like our Kaladin. Here,” he stood and offered his hands to help her up. “Let’s go find a balcony and see if we can see him.” It wasn’t likely, but maybe they would catch him coming back. If he comes back. He dismissed the thought as quick as it appeared, but the anxiety lingered, hampering his breathing. 

They did a tour of multiple balconies, but they couldn’t pick him out no matter how hard they peered into the sky. They went to their rooms just in case he was there, but he wasn’t. Adolin briefly thought about checking the chasms at the base of Urithiru’s mountainous side, but pushed the thought aside. I’m not looking for his body. He’s alive.  

After searching less likely places for a while, they ended up back at a balcony. Adolin leaned against the railing, watching as the shadow of Urithiru became longer than it was tall, casting itself as a black sword that was cutting the land apart. 

“Wait, what’s that?” He pointed at a streak of blue, hoping. Yes, it must be Syl. He didn’t see Kaladin, and his heart sank. She wouldn’t leave him alone unless something was horribly wrong. He looked at Shallan and knew she was thinking the same thing. They reached for each other, holding hands. 

Syl landed on the balcony railing, still wearing her sleeveless havah. “Kelek’s breath, am I happy to find you!” she said. “It took me a while, but I can feel kind of where you are these days, and that helps. Look, I figured you might be worried about our resident grump, and I just wanted to tell you that he’s ok, I think. Or, he was ok.” Nevertheless, she looked worried, as she usually did when she came to Adolin and Shallan for ideas with helping Kaladin.   

He’s alive! Adolin thought, feeling a bit of tension release. 

“What happened?” Shallan asked urgently. “Where is he?”

“Well, he got freaked out, and he couldn’t fight, so he ran,” she shrugged. “He’s off in those mountains over there.” Syl gestured vaguely, then brought her hands together in a contrite posture. “I am so sorry that he ran away without telling you where he was going. I feel like he should know better, but there’s a lot of things that he should know that he doesn’t seem to.” 

He should know better, Adolin thought, a spark of anger rising. “Did Kaladin send you here, or did you come on your own?” he asked. He needed to know whether Kal had even thought of them at all.

Syl shook her head. “I...I had to decide. He was, well, not in a great state, but he seemed to be working it out on his own…” She drew her lips to a tense line, like Kaladin did when he didn’t want to share something painful. 

“Did he push you away?” Adolin asked. 

She shook her head again. “No. Not really. He just seemed to be in his own world, and I didn’t know how to help him, so I thought I could help you.” She looked into the distance, fiddling with a little box like Renarin’s. “I should probably head back.”

Fear shot through his body from gut to sternum. If Syl was worried, Kaladin could still be in trouble. He was all alone. Don’t think about it. Adolin felt helpless.

His anger grew. Kaladin should know better. He should know to trust them. Adolin had worked so hard , and never given Kaladin a reason not to trust him, and so many reasons to trust him. Deep down, he knew that it didn’t really work like that, that it takes time. But in this moment, when he was hurting, it didn’t matter. 

“Thank you Syl,” he said, his throat strained with tension. “You are a big help. Thank you for telling us. Go ahead and bring him back to us.” ... so I can kill him for leaving me. Leaving us. 

Syl flew off, and Shallan turned to him, putting her hand over his white-knuckled grip on the balcony railing. “Let’s head home,” she said simply. Her eyes were dry now, and full of concern for Adolin. She glanced down, and he knew she could see the red, bubbling pools of angerspren around him.

They walked back to their rooms in a tense silence. Adolin’s thoughts spiralled around Kaladin’s absence. An empty feeling, familiar yet nightmarish, hollowed him out with every step. It threatened to stop his movement, but rage kept him going. Kaladin ran from me. He could be anywhere. Kaladin had removed himself from Adolin's influence, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

By the time they got home, Adolin was lost in his thoughts. With shaking hands, he carefully took off his boots and jacket, and automatically poured a glass of wine for Shallan and himself. Shallan took her usual seat on the couch and gestured to him. 

“Come here,” Shallan said, and he sat down beside her on the couch, handing her a glass. She put it down, then took his glass and put it aside too. “No, come here ,” she repeated, and drew him into her. “You look like you're in a waking nightmare.” She pressed his head against her breast and leaned back until he was laying on top of her. His arms slid around her and squeezed, his eyes closed.

“Hey, Adolin, I already cried on you today, how about you cry on me now? Seems only fair,” Shallan said, half joking. “I’m ok now. I promise.” She started running her fingers through his hair, her nails lightly raking his scalp with a soothing sensation. 

I can’t let her see me like this. I’m supposed to be taking care of her.

Maya rustled in his mind. You need to be taken care of too, sometimes. 

There’s no one left to care for me, he thought, and the hollow pain swelled to a crescendo. 

Adolin recognized the pain. He hadn’t missed his mother this viscerally for a long time. She was the one person he could run to no matter what happened. No matter how he felt, she always knew how to make it better. After his mother’s death, there had been no one to help him with the worst pain he’d ever felt. Outside his rooms, he had always been presentable and ready to help Renarin avoid stress, or tiptoe around Dalinar, or impress friends and influential people, but inside his room, late at night when he couldn’t sleep, he’d curl up and cry as quietly as he could so no one would know that his mother had made him weak. 

He had to be better than this. He had to be stronger than this. Isn’t that what strength before weakness means? To be able to hold firm and keep control?

Would you rather a sword made of stone? It will be very firm, Maya asked in his mind.

Of course not, a sword needs flexibility. It needs enough movement to absorb hits, so it doesn’t break during combat…

Does a sword stay strong without tending? she asked.

No, of course not. If they weren’t living Shardblades, swords needed oiling and sharpening on a regular basis or they would start to tarnish and become ineffective.

Even Shardblades need tending, Adolin, as you well know. No matter how strong I was on my own, I would not exist as I am now without your tending. Adolin, you continue to strengthen me by tending me with your oaths. He could feel Maya’s comforting presence inside him, as he felt Shallan’s comforting presence outside him. He started to relax.

So strength means allowing others to tend to me, and weakness is to go untended? It was hard to take in, but he knew she was right. He was growing to love Kaladin deeply, and starting to trust more of himself to him and Shallan. To know that he might lose Kaladin wasn’t just devastating for Adolin’s public self, it was threatening to stomp out a softer, private part of him that had been tentatively starting to regrow without him knowing.  

That means - that means my mother was right. She was right to teach us to go to someone when we’re hurt. Adolin’s stomach twisted. He felt raw grief all over again. Maya, I need someone to tend to me.  

Your mother, she’s gone now.

Yes. It was incredible how much it could still hurt.

Shallan can help you now.  

Adolin sighed. Thank you, Maya. He lifted his head and found Shallan’s eyes - sad, but calm, compassionate and loving. His lip quivered, and a mist clouded his vision.

“You’re always holding it together for everyone else, but someone needs to hold it together for you sometimes, too,” Shallan said softly. “I’m here for you. Don’t forget that.” 

She ran her fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes. Shallan really was here for him. He didn’t know why he hadn’t believed that until now. 

When he was upset as a child, he’d climbed onto his mother’s lap and buried his face against her breast to cry. She’d held him tight and run her fingers through his hair. Shallan didn’t know it, but she was doing the same for him. 

Let her be your strength, Maya said softly in her crinkly, kind voice. 

Adolin nodded. He could survive this, no matter what happened. He’d done it before, and if he had to, he would do it again. At least this time he wasn’t alone. Finally, his face buried against Shallan’s breast, he allowed himself to cry. 



Notes:

Poor Adolin has to grow the hard way - no one else can magically kiss it better for him.

Chapter 33: Sticking the Landing

Summary:

Kaladin returns. Feelings are had but everyone handles it very maturely because this is fiction 😂

Notes:

CW discussion of past suicide attempt/past incitement to suicide

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin

 

The soft taps of boots on stone announced Kaladin and Wit's return as they landed on a public balcony of Urithiru, Syl trailing as a leafy gust of wind. Wit took his leave, but Kaladin hesitated. 

Syl flew in front of him and frowned. “Don’t even think about not going straight to Adolin and Shallan to apologize.” 

Kaladin flushed. For a moment on the mountain he had felt elated, knowing that they loved him. During the flight, he’d started to realize what the gnawing fear was about. Now that he was back, he had to admit that he was trying to avoid the responsibility of loving them back, trying to come up with an excuse to not have to face them. Wiggling, violet fearspren appeared. 

“I thought I was in trouble with one of them,” he grumbled, forcing himself to walk towards their rooms. He imagined two disappointed faces and sighed, sensing the shamespren floating among the fearspren. 

"Syl, what if- what if they agree with Dalinar? What if they think it's the best choice and it doesn't matter what it might do to me?" Kaladin’s worries about lighteyes were real - Adolin and Dalinar were the only lighteyes who had put themselves on the line to protect him, and now Dalinar was sending him away. Was it possible Adolin felt the same way? How well did he know the man, anyway? Wasn’t every lighteyes just one decision away from betraying him? Not just lighteyes, he thought darkly as a memory emerged. He shook his head to try to dispel it.

Syl gave him a concerned look. "Of course they won't, Kaladin. You know them."

Could he think that way about Adolin? Adolin, who locked himself in prison for him before he barely knew him? Adolin, who hugged him so tightly he needed to draw Stormlight? Adolin, who wanted them to match when they went out? 

And Shallan, who had said she loved him more every day. Was that a lie, or could he trust it? Shallan, who wanted Oroden to call her Mashala? Shallan, who told him he was helping her be more brave and honest with herself? Shallan, who respected his boundaries in bed even though they constantly changed? 

Kaladin took some breaths as he walked, and tried to hold in his mind the image from the Lightweaving Shallan had made him. They’re my belayers, they won’t let me fall, he thought, but failed to convince himself. Someone he had trusted more had betrayed him harder. A darker image appeared in his imagination, and he shook his head again.

Syl changed forms into a Bridge Four uniform. “Arm yourself, soldier! I’ll gather some recon,” she said, and zipped off. When she returned, she saluted. “Kaladin, here’s your report. Your targets are laying on the couch in their rooms. It looks like they’ve been crying. I think they miss you a lot and they’re going to want you to stay by them when they go.”

Kaladin frowned, the shame and fear growing. He had put himself in a situation where he needed them to say they wanted to be with him, but he had run away and hurt them. It felt unscalable. “Ok, thanks Syl,” he said, still not convinced. As he walked, he watched the floor intently. “Syl,” he murmured, “What do I do? I don’t know how to help them. I’m the one that hurt them.” 

Syl considered. “Well, what would Shallan do?”

Kaladin thought. “She’s been working really hard to face her problems. So she would at least make the effort to show up and try to talk about it. She’s been getting much better at being honest about how she feels, even if she’s not sure how it’ll be taken.” He remembered her confession of love, and realized how difficult it must have been for her. He set his shoulders straight.

“And what about Adolin? What would he do in this situation?”

Kaladin grunted. “He wouldn’t get into this situation. But, I suppose he would listen and learn, just like a duel, ready to change his tactics for the future.” He reached into his pocket and found the coin Adolin had given him so long ago. He held it tight as he walked and clenched his jaw.

Syl nodded. “You’ve lost fights before, Kal. You learn from it and you come back to the battle. You don’t run away from conflict. You won’t run away from this one, either.”

Kaladin smiled grimly. “I don’t see how I have much of a choice.” Nevertheless, he approached the door where two guards were standing at attention, trying very hard not to look at Kaladin and his fancy, but damp and crumpled clothes. He stood there for a moment, ostensibly to gather himself together, but Syl tapped her foot like she knew he was stalling. His heart was racing as if it were the moment before a battle. He put his hand over his heart and let out a deep sigh, trying to calm himself. Then he nodded at Syl and opened the door. 

Upon entering, he saw them sitting on the couch as Syl had reported. Adolin was laying down on top of Shallan, and she was combing through his hair. Both of them jumped up when they saw him and yelled, “Kaladin!” They ran to envelop him in a double embrace. 

Kaladin had expected anger and yelling, but this crushing embrace felt worse somehow. He deserved to be yelled at. Shamespren popped up again. The feeling of Shallan’s arms around his waist and Adolin’s head on his shoulder brought back the fearspren. He stood rigidly, briefly looking around for an escape, then forced himself to put his arms around them instead. Trying to escape is what got you into this mess in the first place . This is not about you right now, Kaladin, this is about them. Face them. Listen to them. Do this for them. He tried to relax into it, squeezing them back as best he could, and the cloud of petals and purple blobs swirling around him thinned out slightly. A tear escaped his eye. 

When they finally pulled away, he saw their faces -- skin drawn and streaked with dried tears, their eyes red-lidded. He felt sick. He had done that to them. He hadn't just failed to protect them, he had hurt them. Petals swirled thicker around him again.

Accept that sometimes you can’t always protect, Syl reminded him in his mind. You’re just a person and you make mistakes sometimes. Stay.

Okay, Kaladin thought. Face them. Listen. He fought his instinct to run. I didn’t realize how much courage this would take.  

They touched his face, grabbed his shoulders, patted him, as if to reassure themselves that he was really there and really not hurt. “I’m okay,” Kaladin said. Adolin looked at the spren still crowding him, frowning, but said nothing.

Shallan pulled him to the couch and they sat on either side of him. “What happened?” she asked. Kaladin turned and forced himself to look at Shallan’s tear-stained face and her sad frown, and reached for her freehand. He could feel Adolin’s leg pressed against his on his other side, and the warmth suffused his body, strengthening him. 

“I was a coward,” Kaladin admitted. “I heard Dalinar say that we would be sent to different places, and I just ran.” I’m a terrible person. “I spent some time on my own to think, and then I came back,” he finished. “I shouldn’t have run. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” He hung his head.

“When you disappeared out the door...We were really afraid for you,” Shallan said, her voice barely a whisper. The tone of her voice reminded him that he couldn’t wallow in his own feelings. He needed to be there for her. Agonizingly, he lifted his head and met her eyes.

“Tell me,” he said, keeping his voice even.

Tears welled in her eyes. “We thought you might try to kill yourself again. I ran after you and tried to find you, but there was nothing we could do.” She looked down, squeezing his hand. “You cut us out.” She paused, and Kaladin patted her hand, unsure of what to do. Each word was an accusation, a blistering wind in a highstorm, threatening to tear him apart. Somehow he managed to sit there and endure it. Listen, he reminded himself. Shamespren fluttered around him.

After a moment, she looked up again, her beautiful blue eyes shining with pain. “You’re a part of me now, Kaladin. You’re a part of us. If you cut me out, you cut out a part of me too. It hurts ,” she whispered. I’ve hurt her, she won’t want to be with me after this, Kaladin thought, but looking in her eyes he knew it wasn’t true. There was love in that pained expression. Kaladin ignored the part of himself that wanted to shrink away, curl up and die alone, and instead he forced himself to hold his arms out to her. She swept into him, holding him close and crying against his chest. He held her close and rocked her gently, like he would with Oroden. The shamespren started to disperse, revealing a few painspren. 

Kaladin heard a sniffle behind him, and Adolin’s arms wrapped around both of them. Adolin nestled his face into Kaladin’s shoulder. Adolin's body was tense. Kaladin felt the heat of his breath as he sighed against his neck.

“Why did you run?" he asked, his voice carefully guarded.

Kaladin swallowed. This was painful . He didn’t want to even think about this, but he knew just like with the group, that the only way he could get better was if he talked about it. "I had told you that during the attack on the Tower I fell. Well, I didn’t fall. I jumped. I jumped because Moash found me and he told me it would be for the best.” He could feel Adolin’s body tighten. He had talked about Moash before. “He caught me in a bad moment. I was exhausted and just...wrung out. Hopeless." He took a shaky breath. "I think he thought he was trying to help me. I’d trusted him with my life. He was Bridge Four. He cared about me. Do you understand what that did to me? In that moment, I believed him, and I...I did it." He felt horrible remembering it. "That moment still haunts me.”

Kaladin wiped a tear from his eye. “I thought I couldn’t trust lighteyes, but now I can’t trust anyone, and especially not someone I care about. I ran because I trusted Dalinar and because I trust you two, and I was afraid that you would agree with him, and tell me to go. The closer to you I get, the more scary it gets. What if I can’t tell who to trust?” he said mournfully. "I just kind of reacted. I’m messed up inside. I'm so, so sorry." 

"Oh, Kaladin, no, of course we want you to come with us," Shallan breathed. “We need you.” The word need burrowed inside him, and he clung to it as much as he feared it. He could feel Adolin’s hand clench into a fist, then relax again. Adolin leaned back and started to rub Kaladin’s back. Shallan wrapped her arms around him again for a long hug. 

Adolin shifted his body forward so that Kal could see his face - hurt, concerned. “Kal, we would never send you away from us. We're in this together. You know that, right?" he asked, and as Kaladin took in the words, the warmth of Adolin’s hand on his back filled his body, and he was finally able to relax into Shallan’s hug. The shamespren and fearspren disappeared. 

“I know,” Kaladin said, and deep down, he could finally feel what he’d been trying to convince himself - that they loved him, he could trust them, they would protect him. He turned, still holding Shallan to his chest, and wrapped an arm around Adolin’s waist. He gently kissed his chin. “We’re in this together,” he repeated. They held each other for a long moment.

Kaladin sighed. "I need to tell you, I am safe. I mean, I was safe. When I ran. I...did have a couple thoughts, but…" he was lost for words. How to talk about this? "They weren’t compelling. I realized it's been a really long time since I had those thoughts. And it’s because of you. I used to think that pain just meant suffering, and having to live with it forever. But you’ve taught me that pain doesn’t have to last forever, if I have the right people to help." He squeezed them again. “I have to learn to trust you better. I have a responsibility to earn your trust back…I’m going to try harder. I swear I won’t run away like that again. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

He kissed the top of Shallan's hair, then pulled Adolin's head closer to kiss his cheek. Shallan sat up slowly and reached towards him, giving him a soft kiss on the lips, as if to seal his oath. “Thank you,” she said seriously. “Run if you have to, just don’t run where we can’t find you, okay?” She patted his face.

Adolin reached out and wrapped Kaladin in a hug, letting out a relieved sigh. “I’m going to hold you to that oath,” Adolin growled, kissing his neck.

“Hold me any way you like,” Kaladin murmured.

They sat there for a long moment, just holding each other, breathing together. Kaladin felt calm, exhausted, but warm. I am loved , he thought with amazement. They'll love me as long as I keep trying. I don't have to be perfect. 

Syl appeared to him and nodded with an expression that clearly said I told you so! 

Kaladin smiled just for her. Thank you, he mouthed.

Adolin grabbed Kaladin by the cheeks, squeezing his lips open, and turned his head to him. Adolin looked at him with an amused expression, raising his eyebrows. "You know, when you said you should be bad more often, this was not what I pictured," he said wryly, shaking Kaladin’s face. 

"I'll have to try something different next time," Kaladin joked between his squeezed lips. "Spilling wine on your shirt maybe?"

Adolin pulled back in mock horror. "You wouldn't dare! I was thinking more along the lines of stealing Shallan's secret stash of nude drawings." 

Kaladin chuckled. Shallan sat up smiling, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "This man is no thief. But he will definitely start a fight with the cute waiter at the winehouse who keeps eyeing Adolin."

Kaladin swung his head around jokingly with his fists up. "Jamal?! Where is he? I'll show him who's cute!" 

Adolin burst out laughing, and Shallan and Kaladin joined him, escalating their mirth until they were holding their bellies and crying. Eventually they settled down.

"Oh, I needed that," Shallan sighed, still giggling a bit. 

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted," Kaladin said, yawning. "It's time for me to go home."

A disappointed look flashed across Adolin’s face for a brief second, and he covered it with a funny smirk. He replied haughtily, "I'll allow it this once." More seriously, he added, "just make sure you get a good sleep and get back here in the morning. We have plans to make." 

"Adolin told Dalinar that we're leaving with you or not at all," Shallan said with determination. “We’re in this together. If anything happens overnight, you can come to us, okay?”

Kaladin nodded seriously. He kissed them both, then stood. They each reached out a hand, and Kaladin took them in his, squeezing one last time. "This situation seems impossible to me, but it was brought to my attention that this Desolation's first Radiant and the man who brought a deadeye back to life have some experience with impossible situations. So maybe I'll try putting my trust in you. Good night," he smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow. I promise."

Notes:

I imagine Kal would have a very hard time trusting by the end of RoW. One of the things I like about this fic is that Kal gets a chance to really work hard on developing trust again. I really want that for him.

Also there's a lot of complex feelings flying about and I hope I was able to make it make some sort of sense. If it didn't let me know, maybe it needs reworking?

Chapter 34: Ideal

Summary:

Adolin makes a plan. Shallan accepts a hard truth.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Adolin

 

Adolin flopped into bed, exhausted. What a day. He was relieved that Kaladin was okay, and wondered briefly if he had overreacted. Either way, it was done. He sighed in the dark, spreading out his body and stretching his limbs like rockbud vines in every direction. Beside him, Maya did the same, making soothing little crackling noises.

He was still angry that his father didn’t know that Kaladin wasn’t the only mental healer, even though he knew he had been hiding the information. If he did know, then he would know how it happened too. He wondered how long he could put off getting his experiences into written form. 

I need to figure out how I can do this without kissing someone, he thought. If I can heal Szeth before we leave, King Dalinar won’t need Kaladin to go with Szeth. He could go with any of the other Windrunners. Who would be a good fit? Maybe Lopen. That man was all kinds of resilient to weirdness, and would probably enjoy seeing Shinovar too. 

Ultimately, all that mattered is that the three of them stayed together. There was already too much uncertainty in the world. Not to mention Adolin had promised Lirin that he would keep Kaladin safe, and he didn’t intend to break that oath. Adolin decided that would be his plan - heal Szeth in five days, then report to Dalinar. How hard could it be? Maybe he could say he learned his powers from practicing on him. It wouldn’t be totally untrue, after all…



********************



Shallan

 

Kaladin had gone home, and Adolin was asleep, but Shallan was still wide awake. She had moved back into the main room and sat on her favourite couch. Lit by the dim glow of spheres, and the soft light of Nomon, she sat with her knees tucked up, propping up a blank sketchpad. Pattern slowly rotated on it, pulsing a slow, steady rhythm. It soothed her, but not enough to yawn. Her hand hovered over the page, but no images came to mind.

Instead, she reviewed the evening's conversation. She was a bit worried about how Adolin’s heart had handled Kaladin’s flight. Adolin had been so proud when Kal had run to him before, and that had given him a sense of security, but now he might have lost that trust, and a fearful Adolin was tense and irritable, underneath an iron mask of cheerfulness. Shallan was saddened by Kaladin running from them, but not hurt like Adolin. She couldn't blame him. Storms, I thought about running not too long ago . It was frustrating and scary, but also understandable to her in a way that Adolin didn’t seem to get. She wondered about warning Kaladin about Adolin's feelings about it, then decided not to. I don’t want to manage their relationship, she thought. They can figure it out on their own. 

Will they have a chance to figure it out? Shallan frowned at the thought. The mission was coming up quickly, and a troubling thought itched at her brain. The more people she brought, the more likely it was that one or more of them would die. She compared her stoic acceptance of Kaladin disappearing into the sea of beads in Shadesmar a couple years ago to her panic after he’d disappeared earlier today. She had plumbed the new depths to which her despair could sink. What if she lost Adolin or Kaladin? She had essentially doubled her chances of a disastrous loss. She remembered Kholinar and shuddered. She had to learn from these experiences, but what was the lesson? Just that she didn’t have control over who lives and who dies? She took a moment to breathe and let it go, and miraculously, it worked. We need all the people we can get, especially those who know something about Shadesmar, she thought. That was why she had chosen the Stump. Another Lightweaver would be good, too. I need to give more people experience. Vathah, maybe? She sighed. She knew that, as the leader of this mission, she had the most power. She just hoped she could use it wisely and avoid any deadly mistakes.

Shallan shifted to face forward somewhat, kicking a leg over the armrest to try to get more comfortable, but it didn't seem to work. She put down her sketchpad, laid back and sighed, draping an arm off the edge of the couch. She reminded herself that no one had died when they went to Lasting Integrity. It had been close a couple of times, but they had made it. That was a group of six or seven, plus their spren. Syl would have been invaluable on that mission. Could they afford to keep her out of this one?

With shame, she remembered Testament - left behind at Lasting Integrity, to stay with the other deadeyes so she didn’t wander into trouble. 

Adolin used to talk to Maya when she was a Shardblade, before he brought her back to life. She had told herself in Lasting Integrity that she would work on doing the same for Testament, but with everything happening she had put it off. Testament deserves better . At the very least, she should work on her fear of summoning the sword that killed her mother. She owed it to her first spren to face the problem. 

Shallan sat up and squared her shoulders, feet firmly on the floor. Holding out her hands, she took a deep breath and summoned Testament. She recognized the blade immediately, and it sent a shock of fear through her. For a moment she thought she would drop her, but she managed to keep a secure hold. Shallan thought she could see blood on her, but looking again, it was just a thick line the colour of garnet, striped diagonally across the blade. Pattern hummed contentedly from the skirt of her havah. She tried to see Testament for what she was right now, rather than what she’d done.

“Hi, Testament,” Shallan said to the sword, feeling awkward. “I hope I didn’t bother you.” She thought she felt a sadness from the sword. “I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you, and I’m thinking about my responsibilities.” The pain of killing her mother had caused her to break her oaths and reject Testament, severing the bond with her. “I want you to know that I’m choosing love again, and I accept the consequences that might come with that. Pattern, I want you to hear this too, although I know you’re already listening.”

Pattern moved onto Testament and stretched along her length, making it look like the sword was etched. She had never seen them together like that, and it was different enough that she felt more comfortable. She could face her shame, and she would try to make things right with Testament, just like Kaladin was making things right with her and Adolin. They were both trying their best. 

“Death will always loom over us,” she said. “I can’t fix that. All I can do is lead the best I know how. I’ll make mistakes but I’ll find a way to accept them.” She recalled Wit’s words in Kholinar - failure is the mark of a life well lived . She felt she could believe those words now.

If you’ll allow yourself to make mistakes, can you accept that you don’t need me anymore? a voice emerged from inside Shallan. 

“Radiant!” Shallan laid Testament on her lap and listened.

This has been coming for a while now, Shallan. You created me because you were afraid of what it meant to be a Radiant. You were afraid to make the mistakes your parents made, and afraid of the judgment you would rain down upon yourself if you did. You were afraid that you wouldn’t fulfill your potential, that you would betray your oaths again. You were afraid of not living up to a lofty Ideal, of not being good enough. You created me to be that Ideal, but you’ve outgrown it. Shallan, I think it’s time that you accept that you are enough to own your self as Radiant.

Shallan listened, perturbed and softened, because she knew Radiant’s words were true. The last time she’d needed Radiant was when Pattern had accused her of being jealous, and that was weeks and weeks ago now - almost a month, probably. She’d only really used her to lead training sessions or spar with Adolin, and that was more out of habit than need. 

She knew she could never reach her own Ideal, in part because her version of what is Ideal had already changed significantly over time. She used to think it meant being stuffy and rigid, a determined fighter, and serious as death, like how she used to picture Kaladin. As she got to know him and understand his strengths and weaknesses, she realized that he wasn’t an Ideal - he was just a person like her, working towards bettering himself. He was broken, and he was capable of greatness. Just being near him inspired her, and listening to him tonight, facing his own weakness head on and accepting it, warmed and strengthened her in a way she couldn’t explain. 

It’s ok to not be perfect. It’s not even expected,  she thought, finally believing it.

She let out a deep breath. Pattern buzzed excitedly, spinning wildly up and down Testament’s blade. 

“I will never be my ideal person,” she said. And that's okay.

Then you don’t need me anymore . Radiant faded, and she felt a pang of pride and loss. 

Shallan felt a hug envelop her, and she looked around in surprise. It was Pattern as he had appeared in Shadesmar, in his robe, with his spindly arms and legs, wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m so proud of you Shallan!” he said gleefully. “Look - we can make your Lightweavings have mass! Can you feel it?” He squeezed her.

Shallan chortled. “Was that really my next Ideal? That I’m not ideal?” she laughed, squeezing Pattern back. “I may never become the person I want me to be, but at least I can work to approach the limit of my idealness.”

“Just like calculus,” Pattern nodded, then returned to two dimensions again, spinning happily. “You can still get very close!”

Despite having lost Radiant, Shallan felt like a large weight had been lifted. There was still much to be done, but she no longer felt like she was going to be letting everyone down no matter what she did. She knew that she would find a way to get Kaladin to come with them, and she would do her very best to find out what they needed to know and keep everyone safe. She leaned back and relaxed, thinking she might actually be able to get to sleep soon. 

Later, as she wrapped an arm around Adolin’s sleeping form in the darkness, she wondered about some of the other potential applications of Lightweavings that have mass...

 

Notes:

Shallan my girl said her fourth Truth! Good for her, I knew she could do it!

Chapter 35: Glyphwards

Summary:

The next morning, Kaladin returns to Shallan and Adolin. They make a plan so they can go together on the mission. They talk about what they want to do before they leave.

Notes:

No big CWs for this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Nine days until the mission

 

Kaladin

 

Kaladin had slept surprisingly well, considering the news he’d gotten yesterday. Normally I’d be a bundle of nerves, and wouldn't sleep at all. I guess talking about it does help. His heart was still heavy, but the sleep had cleared his mind enough to know he was feeling defensive. 

“That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time,” Syl said from his shoulder, with a hint of exasperation. “You’ve got to open up to people.” My mood must be affecting Syl’s mood, too.

“It’s been easier said than done,” Kaladin said evenly, “but I think I’m getting better at it.” As he walked, though, he could feel himself slow down again, and then his feet took him towards the marketplace instead of Adolin and Shallan’s rooms. 

Syl flew in front of him. “What are you doing, Kaladin? You just said you were getting better at this.” Kaladin could sense that she was annoyed with him. He knew she didn’t like having to tell him the same things over and over, and that’s all she’d been doing lately. It was annoying for Kaladin, too, but it wasn’t going to change until he did something different. It was just one more way he let others down. 

He sighed, trying to chase away the thought with action. “Syl, I know it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, but how do I make up for them? With Shallan I just feel, well, we both make mistakes, so it doesn't feel as bad if I mess up. But with Adolin it’s different. He's practically perfect, besides being a lighteyes and a Highprince. I saw his face when I said I was going home last night - he’s still hurt. I need to do something that’ll make him not hurt anymore.”

“I don’t think that’s the right way of looking at it,” Syl said cautiously. “but it doesn’t hurt to try, I guess.”

“I want to bring them something,” Kaladin said as he walked, looking around for inspiration. “I owe him. I’ve got to do better for both of them anyway. Ah! This might work.” He picked up some Azish steamed buns from a stand, hoping Adolin and Shallan hadn’t had anything to eat yet. 

“So now you’re going straight there?” Syl asked pointedly. 

"Yes, Syl, don't worry," he said, and picked up his pace to please her. He probably owed her something too, even more than the others. Syl said nothing, but he could sense her irritation fading. 

When he arrived, Shallan and Adolin were seated at a table in a whole other room reserved for eating, although they didn't even usually eat there. He was relieved to see there wasn't any food put out. Instead, there were papers strewn about, and Shallan was clearing the area. He entered hesitantly, and they both looked up and smiled. Kaladin thought they looked tired, but neither of them seemed to be mad at him. Adolin stood to greet him, and Kaladin breathed a little easier after getting a reassuring hug and kiss from him. Kaladin sat down beside Shallan and gave her a kiss, lingering as if it was a reminder of last night's oath. He saw their spren - Pattern was hiding among the pages on the table, and Maya was adorned proudly on Adolin’s jacket, a dried flower above his heart. Syl walked across the table, examining the pages. 

“Here, I got us some breakfast from the Azish bakery that just opened. Remember seeing it on our lunch the other day, Shallan?” Kaladin opened a bag and put down a steamed bun in front of each of them. “Careful, they’ve got a filling. Adolin, ours are called Clema buns. I don’t know what it is, but they assured me it’s men’s food. Shallan, yours is called Truthberry.”

Shallan looked at hers uncertainly. 

“Oh no, Shallan, do you not like Azish food?” Kaladin asked with concern. Giving a gift that makes her unhappy is exactly what I need right now, he thought sarcastically.

“No, no,” Shallan said. “It’s just...hm...no, it’s okay. It looks great.” She smiled and hugged Kaladin closely. She took a bite and then put it down again. “Nope, this isn’t for me,” she said, frowning. She looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry Kaladin, it’s the memory of the taste that’s bad, not the actual taste.”

Kaladin understood. He sighed inwardly, frustrated he had brought up a bad memory for her, and relieved that she didn’t blame him. He nodded and held out his bun to her. “In that case let’s trade. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” He winked, trying to make the best of it, and she giggled. 

“I’m right here,” Adolin said cheerfully. He took his own last bite. “It’s delicious, by the way,” he said with his mouth full. “Thank you.”

“It’ll probably be too spicy for me,” Shallan said, but took a bite anyway. “Actually, this isn’t too bad! You sure you don’t mind sweet?”

“He’ll eat anything that’s put in front of him,” Adolin said, already wiping his fingers carefully on a special cloth, put on the table for just that purpose. “He didn’t even complain about prison food.”

Kaladin rolled his eyes and took a bite. It was cloyingly sweet, but not bad for a breakfast. Adolin looked over hungrily, wiggling his eyebrows, and Kaladin split it with him. At least he likes it , he thought, relieved.

It seemed that Adolin and Shallan had already come up with a plan, and they told Kaladin. If Szeth was healed, they wouldn’t need Kaladin to go with him, so Adolin was going to try to use his mental healing on Szeth, and Kaladin would join him. Adolin still wasn’t sure if his ability would work on someone other than Kaladin and Shallan, or whether he wanted it to be known that he had some kind of mental healing Surge. If it did work, they could use that as part of a cover as he figured out how to tell the story of his strange power to the public and the scribes, how history would want him known. If it didn't work, no one would blame Kaladin, the best mental healing surgeon in Urithiru, if he couldn't help the Assassin in White. Kaladin agreed readily, eager to show his support to Adolin.

Adolin wanted to ensure his work with the former slaves would continue while he was away. Kaladin would need to do the same with his support group of battle shocked soldiers. He wondered if old Cid would be interested in taking over the leadership. He was certainly dedicated, patient, and wise.

Shallan would be leading the mission, so she had work to do to put the team together and prepare. She planned to ensure that Kaladin and Syl would be made an essential part of it, as a surgeon and a spren knowledgeable about Shadesmar. Syl expressed her interest and agreement.

“Well then, that seems to be it,” Adolin said, slapping his hands on the table. “Let’s get to work.”

“Not yet,” Shallan said quietly, and the men were drawn like spren to the emotion in her voice. Kaladin watched carefully as she brought out paper and ink for making glyphwards. “That’s all the things we have to do," she said. "We’re about to go on a dangerous mission, and also something amazing has happened in our lives. We need to celebrate that, too, and remember that the nine days we have left are precious. What’s something each of you wants to do, more than anything, that you don’t want left undone before you leave?”

They sat and thought for a moment. Eventually Adolin spoke. “I want to spend time with family. I want to play at least one more time with Gavinor, and I didn't mention it before, but I'd like to spend some time with Oroden, too, if that's okay with you Kaladin." He looked to Kaladin hopefully.

"Of course," Kaladin said. "I'm sure he'd love to see you again."

Adolin nodded and continued. "I want for us all to be together, Maya and us and the kids, and Renarin. And Rlain,” he added. “I know they’ve started courting but I haven’t had much time to get to know him. I want him to know he’s family too now.” Kaladin smiled. Rlain hasn't spent much time in public since changing to mateform. The invitation would mean a lot to him. 

Shallan nodded thoughtfully. “Which glyph do you think?" she asked. 

Adolin considered. “How about 'life'? Yes, I like that,” he said, looking into the distance with a determined expression. “Like you said, let’s live before we leave. I want us all to survive this, but if we don’t, it'll be even more important that we spent that time together while we could.” He clenched his hand, then released it, and his lips tightened to a line.

Shallan started drawing the glyph, to be burned in a ceremonial fire. “How about you, Kaladin?” Shallan asked as she painted. “What do you want to do?”

Kaladin watched Shallan's even, steady strokes with the brush. It was mesmerizing to watch. “Well,” he mused, “I already have time set aside for my family. I’ll be transitioning the battle shocked soldiers group to Cid, or maybe Rlain...”

“Stop thinking about your duties!” Adolin waved him on. “What do you want to do one last time before you leave?”

Kaladin shrugged, at a loss for ideas. “I don’t know.” I don’t know what I need. He looked to Syl, and she shrugged.

Shallan nodded matter-of-factly. “Ok, we’ll get back to you.” She sighed and put down her brush. “I need to tell you both something. I said goodbye to Radiant last night.”

Kaladin and Adolin stared at Shallan. Radiant is gone?

“And I spoke my next Truth.” 

Kaladin and Adolin looked at each other, then back at Shallan. 

“What...I mean, congratulations Shallan! I...can I ask what it was?” Adolin asked.

“I will never be my Ideal,” she said begrudgingly, then smiled. “It seems pretty obvious now, but I think these last few months have proven that I’ve still been denying certain things, and I’ve been constantly worried about trying to perform a certain way. I wasn’t really being true to myself.” Shallan looked at Kaladin and smiled warmly. “But you both have been very encouraging.”

She turned to Adolin and grabbed his hand. “Love, you’ve given me unprecedented freedom and safety so I could grow. You’re like open plains and good solid rock I can dig my roots into.” She turned to Kaladin and grabbed his hand. “And Kaladin, dear, you are like deep rains that feed me, and clear skies to grow towards."

Kaladin laughed at that description of him, and still her words melted his heart. She knows some beautiful words.

"You know, I used to think you were the perfect Radiant, but then you gave me the most wonderful opportunity to actually get to know you better," Shallan said, and winked. Kaladin rolled his eyes. And then she goes and says that. 

Shallan grabbed both his hands. "Seriously though, Kaladin, the more I get to know you, the more I can trust that you’re just a person, too. It’s helped to take the pressure off me. It’s made me so much happier, and hopefully a better person. Even if I can’t be perfect, I can keep growing.”

“Yes, keep growing!” Maya rustled happily.

As much as people said they were inspired by him, Kaladin never really believed that it was because of him . It was always because of what he could do for them, or what he represented to them. It meant so much more to be told that he was inspiring by trying and failing and getting up again. That was who he was more than anything else - someone who failed and tried again. To have Shallan tell him that made her a better person…it touched him deeply. He felt a warmth grow in his chest, and his vision blurred momentarily. 

He leaned forward, trying to get the attention off him. “So how do you want to grow now?” he asked. “What do you want to do before you leave?” If there’s anything I can do to give that to her, I’ll do it.

She blushed. “I want to have sex with both of you at once.” Kaladin gasped - he was glad he was done eating because otherwise he might have choked. That sounded...overwhelming. Shallan coughed and glanced at Adolin. “I've thought about it a lot, actually.” Her eyes widened as she saw the near panic in Kaladin’s eyes. “But Kaladin, if you don’t want to do that, it’s fine!” Kaladin looked at Adolin and saw he was practically drooling. He laughed at that. I don't have to worry about performing a certain way. Shallan and Adolin already accept me as I am. Why should I be scared of these silly minks?  

He smiled as he remembered their gentle, generous touch. “The other morning when you were both on me it felt really good. I’d love to do that for you,” he said affirmatively, putting some confidence into his voice to combat his inexplicable nervousness. “How do you want to do it?”

Adolin shifted in his seat. “Maybe now’s not the time for that - as much as that’s all I want to think about now,” he said, adjusting himself. “We have lots to do still, but just for the record, I’m in.”

“I know you’re in,” Kaladin and Shallan said at the same time, then laughed. 

“Seriously though, you don't have to if you don’t want to, and you can change your mind anytime, ok?” Shallan said to Kaladin. Kaladin nodded, still feeling a bit nervous but also excited at the same time. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more exciting it felt. 

“Ok, so that’s settled,” Shallan said, grinning. “I should do my glyph. I’m thinking I’ll need strength.”

“What, to take us both on at once?” Adolin asked with a grin.

“No,” Shallan said teasingly, “To go on without Radiant. To lead without trying to make everything perfect and to not worry so much about failing. And of course, to take you both on at once.” She grinned back at her husband. 

As she put the brush in the inkwell, Kaladin reached out. “Let me do it for you,” he said. 

They both turned to him, confused.

“I used to do glyphs for Bridge Four all the time, before we got scribes,” Kaladin said defensively. “And besides, it’s better when someone else does your glyphward for you. And Shallan, you've done a couple of glyphwards for me already and I’ll feel bad until I can repay your excellent work.”

Shallan leaned back, then got up. She kissed Kaladin and gestured to her seat. “That sounds very sweet, Kaladin,” she said. “I’d be honoured.”

Kaladin used to be more strict with gender codes, but since everything went up in the air after Dalinar wrote a book, he’d been trying to be a bit more flexible. He found himself enjoying the playfulness of making a glyphward for his girlfriend. Syl flew to his shoulder. “Great idea!” she exclaimed.

Adolin leaned forward, watching with interest as Kaladin carefully wrote katef in his own angular style. “Does this make you Shallan’s wife now, Kal?” he asked innocently.

Kaladin frowned thoughtfully as he dipped the brush again. “Maybe,” he said. “If she’ll have me.”

“Let’s see...Shallan is my wife, and you’re her wife...does that make me your wife?” Adolin asked.

Kaladin maintained his focus on the glyphward, but a small smirk appeared on his lips. “If that's the case, I’m going to have trouble sending spanreeds.” 

“And the Stormblessed finances will end up in ruin,” Shallan laughed. “At least you’ll be able to count on him to eat your sweet food.”

Finally Kaladin stood. It obviously wasn’t as artistic as Shallan’s, but it looked pretty good. He felt better for having done that for her. 

They switched seats again and Shallan set a new page in front of her. “Okay Surgeon Stormblessed,” she said. “You’ve put it off long enough. What do you want to do more than anything?”

Kaladin shrugged. 

“You’re not getting off that easy,” Shallan said teasingly. “What makes you feel alive?”

Adolin leaned over and held his hand. “Try something for me. Close your eyes and let yourself drift. Feel that sense of aliveness. Where are you? What are you doing?” he asked.

Kaladin followed his direction only slightly begrudgingly. He sat for a moment, leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed, trying to connect to feeling alive. It was surprisingly difficult - it wasn’t something he’d ever tried to feel. After a few breaths, the drifting sensation turned into a sense of flying high over the mountains, across all of Roshar with Syl and the Stormfather. He sighed, wondering if wanting to do something on his own made him a bad person. If saying he wanted to fly away would be painful for them to hear. Nevertheless, inspired by Shallan, he said his truth. “I want to be back in the skies,” he said. “I work so much I hardly ever just go up. I miss it.” He looked at them, feeling guilty. “I swear I’ll come back,” he added, and Shallan huffed a laugh. 

“You’d better,” she said, smiling.  

Adolin smiled. “Okay, flying it is. It should be easy enough to arrange.”

Kaladin looked in his eyes and saw encouragement. He looked to Shallan and she put her hand on his. No judgment or disappointment. He became more eager. “Actually, I’m wondering if there’s still time to go to the tailor -”

Adolin perked up. “I thought you’d never ask!” he said, louder than he’d probably intended. “Do you want to make that flying suit you've been talking about?”

Kaladin nodded, feeling excited. Syl squealed and flew around in circles as a blue ribbon of light. “Kaladin, this is going to be great!” she said.

Adolin got up. “Well then there’s no time to lose! They’re going to need time to create it, and that’s if they have the right fabrics on hand…” He ran to another room. 

Kaladin looked back at Shallan. “Is he...putting on a different outfit just to go to the tailor?”

Shallan nodded gravely, and Kaladin laughed.

When Adolin didn't return right away, Shallan smiled at Kaladin. “Whatever amount of time you're imagining, it'll take longer. So what’s your prayer, Kal?” she asked seriously, her brush hovering over the page. 

“Oh!” Kaladin thought for a moment. “My lesson from the mountain was that I have to keep choosing the journey, and it’s definitely going to be hard to not think about the mission coming up. So how about 'journey', like 'journey before destination'. To help me actually live the next two weeks, instead of just worrying about how it might turn out in the end." 

Shallan laughed. “Makes sense! Javani, Katef, Mehlak . Life, Strength, Journey. Perfect for a trio of Radiants.”

With Adolin finally dressed properly, the three lovers burned their glyphs and said their prayers, then got to work in earnest.

Notes:

The whole "who's the wife" question will always be hilarious to me. I love the idea of Kaladin starting to be more flexible with various roles as he starts to relax generally.

Chapter 36: Gathering Storm

Summary:

Adolin and Kaladin go to the tailor. Adolin begins his work with Szeth.

Notes:

No major CWs in this chapter, just canon typical violence.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Nine days until the mission

 

Adolin

 

Out of nowhere, intense pain. A man plunges a knife into my heart. I look up in shock, into the dark brown eyes of the man who stabbed me, and see that they belong to Kaladin. I look deeper, and Kaladin’s eyes turn glowing blue and accusatory as he floats above me. As I bleed out onto the platform in Shadesmar, Kaladin drops the knife and flies away. I call out for my mother, but no one hears me. I am abandoned, dying. 

Adolin woke suddenly, covered in sweat, and sat up in his darkened room. He saw Shallan sleeping peacefully beside him. It was just a nightmare . He shook his head, trying to get rid of the image, and rubbed his chest, feeling a phantom pain. He hadn’t told anyone yet about the attempt on his life. His work with the former slaves had been a difficult road - he was met with as much disdain as gratitude, which he had tried to take in stride, but the assassination attempt had been another matter entirely. He had been lucky that his bond with Maya had been able to heal him, but it had been slow, agonizingly slow, laying in his own blood in an empty corridor. 

The man had loomed above Adolin, telling him through gritted teeth that he had been condemned to a life of crime he couldn't escape - needlessly, simply because the opportunity for a place to live had come too slowly. Now the man’s life was ruined because of the Highprince’s incompetence. The man had run as Adolin slid down the wall.

Adolin hadn't brought his guards because they made people nervous, so no one else had even witnessed it, let alone helped. He didn’t bother to pursue a punishment. After everything Kaladin had told him about lighteyes, after what he'd done to Sadeas and gotten away with, after failing in his efforts to make people's lives better, why would he say anything? Isn’t it what I deserve? Wasn’t it my turn?

Besides, he was fine now. No harm done. He got up and put on a robe, and Maya wrapped herself around him like a scarf. He nuzzled his cheek into her and said good morning, and she squeezed him back, putting a gentle pressure on his collarbones, helping him to stretch his tense neck a bit. 

You’re not fine, Adolin, she rustled in his mind. You have been harmed.

I know, he admitted just to her, but I can’t focus on that now. 

Soon Shallan joined him at the table. They had put off this conversation long enough. If he was going to lose a significant portion of the Kholin incomes to war and invest in the employment and housing of the former slaves, they had to make some financial decisions that could impact their grandchildren's generation. It made him nervous. The sudden lack of financial stability for his family had thrown him off, and he'd desperately needed Shallan's guidance. She saw the problem differently, of course, not coming from a family of wealth, but after some bickering about the definition of security, her insight had been reassuring. What seemed to him to be too much to just give away, she had put into the perspective of investment. He'd needed to hear that the property they had claimed at Urithiru was turning a profit now that the Sibling was running the major utilities. He’d needed to know that he wasn't potentially trading his family's future for nothing and that the family line would still be safe. After a while, they had it mostly figured out, but by that point they'd just stared at each other, each one seemingly exhausted and not wanting to talk about it. 

Then, thankfully, Kaladin joined them, which gave them an excuse to put away the finances. He’d brought some food too. It was thoughtful and delicious, and he could see that Kaladin was making an effort to lighten things up. He felt grateful that Kaladin could make Shallan smile, because Adolin couldn’t seem to do that for her this morning. There was still an ache in him, though, to see Kaladin, one he couldn’t quite understand. He touched his chest absently.

I can help you understand that, Adolin, Maya rustled to him. 

Is it because of my nightmare? Adolin asked silently.

The nightmare is trying to tell you how you feel. You’re not strong right now, Adolin. You need to lean on someone, she replied. The words stung, but she was right. He wasn’t doing well. He didn't normally bicker with Shallan over anything, let alone money. Usually he didn't care about that. He could feel that he was on the edge of something scary, but Shallan and Kaladin both relied on him to help them. He’d been trying to lean on Shallan more, but he'd already cried on her recently, and she looked as exhausted as he was.

Kaladin mentioned the tailor and it perked him up a bit. That would be a fun distraction before the hard work with the Assassin in White started. Maybe it would help him relax. He went to the dressing room to grab the most recent ensemble that the tailor had made to show her how good it looked with his other jacket, but after he got it on, he just sat on the chaise, face in his hands. He looked up and realized he wasn’t sure how much time had passed. 

That’s not a good sign, he thought.

You’re feeling depressed, Maya urged him compassionately. You need to connect with someone. You’re not okay.  

I don’t have time to not be okay, Adolin thought, and a knot formed in his throat. He did a few stretches and pushed himself to leave and be there for Kaladin. Kaladin was in a delicate position too, he knew, and Adolin had to be there for him. 

As they walked to the tailor, Adolin did his best to leave space for Kaladin to talk. He apologized again for running yesterday, but he seemed to be a bit more reserved than he had been last night when he had talked. Kaladin was stealing glances at him, and despite them being in public, Kaladin seemed to brush against his hand an awful lot. Adolin wasn’t sure if he liked the attention or not. He was feeling irritated, afraid, and angry, and every touch reminded him that he didn’t know where he stood with Kaladin if something difficult happened. Could he trust him to stay? Would Adolin be able to handle it if he left? The ache in his heart grew as the memories of previous abandonments hit him. He was too raw. He should have gone to ride Gallant instead of going with Kaladin to the tailor. He was too on edge to focus.

“Hm?” he said, realizing Kaladin had asked him a question. 

“Are you okay?” Kaladin repeated. “You seem off this morning.” He saw concern in Kaladin’s eyes.

Adolin ran his fingers through his hair and smiled, the automatic movement a mask. “What, a ten day countdown to a dangerous mission, with time sensitive deadlines and a runaway bridgeboy? What is there to be off about?” He tried to laugh it off, but the comment about being a runaway seemed to strike Kaladin. Kaladin nodded seriously and backed off. Adolin wasn’t sure if that’s what he actually wanted.

What you wanted, Maya said in his mind, and gave him an image of Kaladin consoling him as he wept. 

I can’t, there’s no time for that right now, he thought to her. I don’t even know if he can do that for me. Maybe I’ll talk to him in a few days.  

I don’t know if you’ll make it until then, Maya warned him. He bit his lip, unable to decide what to do.

At the tailor’s, Adolin automatically put on his Highprince mask, showing off the combination of clothes to one of the assistants while Kaladin talked to the owner about his flying suit. He heard him finishing up and sidled over, sliding in beside him as he leaned against the counter. 

“Kaladin, I think you should order three suits, not one,” he said.

“Do you and Shallan want to fly too?” Kaladin asked, surprised.

“No,” Adolin laughed, “I have never gotten the hang of it. Too vomity. No, why not try it with some of your other friends? Skar and Drehy tell me they never see you anymore. This would be a fun thing to do with them.”

Kaladin frowned his adorable thinking frown, and finally agreed. “You’re right Adolin, I should be spending more time with people I trust. It can’t be you all the time. The more belayers, the better, right Syl?” He looked away briefly, then smiled at Adolin. “She’s been on a mission to get me to open up more.” Syl must have a hard time with this sometimes too, Adolin thought. I wonder how she deals with the constant memories and sad thoughts.

 “I’m glad you know it can’t be me all the time,” Adolin sighed, relieved. I’m so tired.

Kaladin cocked his head and touched Adolin’s shoulder in a sign of public friendship. “Sometimes you need someone too, you know,” he said cautiously. Adolin could feel a surge of emotion rise inside him, and he patted Kaladin’s hand, looking at it as an excuse to look away. 

“I know,” he whispered.

Kaladin pulled him aside, allowing the owner to look over some folios Adolin had brought. “Adolin, something is wrong. Maybe we can’t talk about it right now, but how about right after this, before we go to Szeth?”

The only thing that sounds more exhausting than talking about my feelings is the idea of doing a healing session for the first time with a crazy man immediately afterwards. 

“I don’t think I have the energy for both, Kal,” Adolin said wearily. “Maybe after Szeth, or even tomorrow. It’s not important.” He set his shoulders again and stood straight, giving him a Highprince’s charming smile. There, I’m going to talk to him, Maya.

Yes, she replied. This is good.

Kaladin looked unconvinced, but accepted Adolin’s words. 

They returned to the counter and rejoined the owner. They leaned forward together over the folio, their heads touching. 

“Okay, Kal, what do you think of these?” This was the part Adolin had actually been looking forward to. Kaladin had asked him to put together some options for more formal and evening wear, and Adolin had lots of ideas. He’d gotten Shallan’s help to draw them up for the tailor.

“All of these look incredible!” the tailor said, beaming. “Could I make a copy for my other customers? We could make a whole line of clothing and call it the Kholin line…”

“Let’s start with what Kaladin wants. I’ll think about it, though,” Adolin replied, unmoved by the tailor’s flattery for once. He just wasn’t in the mood.

“Hmm,” Kaladin said, squinting and wrinkling his nose. “I know you said that the short jackets are in fashion but it just feels weird to me. What about one of those?” He pointed to a takama.

“A takama?” Adolin asked, surprised. It was the clothing he most wanted to see Kaladin wearing, but he had figured Kaladin wouldn’t be interested in something silky, even if it was a traditional warrior’s garb. He’d included some just because the man liked being able to say no to things. This time, though, Kaladin seemed to be on the same page, so to speak.

Adolin flipped a couple pages to the takamas he was thinking would look best on Kaladin. He suspected that Kaladin would choose something incredibly plain and boring at first, but thought he might be able to convince him to -

“How about this one?” Kaladin asked, pointing to a multilayered dark blue takama with embroidered vines, in a traditional Alethi style, with a deep V that showed off a lot of chest. Adolin glanced at Kaladin in surprise - that drawing had basically been a daydream. He didn’t think he’d get him in anything that sexy. He saw Kaladin smile, though, and he couldn’t help but smile back. Something was actually going well today. 

He realized he was just gazing into Kaladin’s warm brown eyes and hadn’t answered. He blushed. “Oh! Ah, yes, well, if you want that one I’m not going to stand in your way. I think it would look great on you. I think mine is in blue, though - I think maybe a lighter blue or an amethyst would look great and still match me without being twins. You do look great in amethyst.” Kaladin nodded, and Adolin blinked. Kaladin confirmed the order in amethyst as Adolin gaped at him. 

Emboldened, Adolin lifted a hand to tuck some errant hair behind Kaladin’s ear. Why not take another chance? “That’s a gorgeous outfit and it deserves the best grooming, too. What would you say to getting a bit of a haircut? I think you haven’t cut your hair since I met you, and you have split ends everywhere.” Adolin couldn’t resist the urge to ask for this - he had been thinking about it for months, but had the feeling that Kaladin would never ever go for it. But if he was offering to wear a takama, maybe? He touched the ends of Kaladin’s hair, and demonstrated how long and damaged it was by holding it in front of his face.

Kaladin rolled his eyes and sighed, but nodded. “Fine. But it still has to be able to go up in a tail.”

Adolin grinned. He couldn’t believe his luck. “Kaladin, it’s going to feel so much better. You won’t regret this!”

“I already regret this,” Kaladin said, not sounding regretful at all. 

By the end of their visit to the tailor, Adolin was starting to feel a bit happier again. He had been thinking a lot about the terrible, horrible what ifs - like what if Kaladin leaves me - but it was great to be able to balance it with the positive what ifs - what if we get to come back and look great at a party? What if Kaladin lets me show him off more? What if he stays?   These thoughts warmed him as they left the shop together.

After Emul, Szeth had chosen to live in a cell at the Devotary of Mercy, much to Navani’s relief. As they walked through the hallways towards the 'Vorin quarter', Adolin suddenly felt a cold dread. “Let’s not go that way,” he said, realizing that was the hallway he had been stabbed in. He didn’t want to remember that feeling, the slick blood, the look of betrayal in the man’s eyes, the way he was left alone.

They grabbed a fabrial lift, and they were the only ones in it. Adolin looked at Kaladin, who was leaning back in the corner with his usual scowl, arms crossed. He could almost see the space where Kaladin would tuck a spear in his elbow when he was guarding him. 

“I could almost feel like you were my guard again,” Adolin said with a smile, reminiscing. 

Kaladin grunted. “I bet you’d like that, Princeling,” he said gruffly. 

A lump formed in Adolin’s throat. How much would he like for Kaladin to guard him again...Kaladin wouldn’t have intimidated the former slaves. He would have refused to leave him alone. He would have protected him from that assassin...“Yeah, I would,” he said, coughing to cover the strain in his voice. 

Kaladin looked over sharply, apparently alerted to Adolin’s emotion. “What is it?” he asked. “Is it because of what I did yesterday?” he asked, stepping closer. Adolin shook his head, then shrugged, not trusting himself to speak. 

“It’s not like you to not say anything,” Kaladin said with concern. “Take a hug, at least.”

Kaladin pulled him into a warm embrace and Adolin strained against it, wishing he could let himself go, but not trusting himself to pull himself together after. He patted Kaladin stiffly and said, “Not now, not now. Please.” Almighty but his throat was tight. “I have to focus on the healing.” Kaladin stepped away, the concerned frown still plain on his face.

Soon enough they were at the cell of the Assassin in White, although he wasn’t wearing white today. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his strange sword beside him, and a heavy silence surrounded him. He looked up as Adolin and Kaladin approached, and Adolin could see a faint shadow where he had turned his head. He shuddered internally. Here it is, the moment in which I prove that I can heal mental wounds on the most unstable man in Alethkar.  

“I’m here to prepare you for your mission to Shinovar,” Adolin said formally. “Do you know who I am?”

Szeth nodded serenely. “Yes, I think I tried to kill you once or twice.” He nodded to Kaladin, a hopeful look on his face. “And he killed me. Are you here to kill me again?”

Adolin’s skin crawled at the way he sounded eager for it. “No, we’re here on King Dalinar’s orders. We want to talk to you about some of the things you’ve been through.” 

Szeth nodded. “If Dalinar has ordered it, then I will submit to any torture you have in mind for me. I deserve it.” 

This is not going to be easy, Adolin thought. He walked in anyway. 

Notes:

Poor Adolin, the guy is trying to hold it together for everyone else, but he needs people too. In fact, he might need people even more, since others get mentally healed by him, but he can't mentally heal himself.

Chapter 37: Stormwall

Summary:

Adolin begins healing Szeth. There is an unexpected problem. Kaladin helps.

Notes:

CW Discussion of classism; RoW spoilers, Warbreaker spoilers; brief mention of sex at the end of the chapter

I don't remember Szeth's character as well so there's probably some mistakes in here. I drew some things from OB, some from RoW, and made up some stuff. I hope it all makes sense!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Kaladin 

 

The cell of the Assassin in White, in the Devotary of Mercy, was just as windowless and spare as any of the other rooms that Kaladin remembered of the Ardents. The only difference was that Szeth had requested the room stay as bright as possible, so it was lit by multiple sphere lamps. The light kept the shadows at bay, but cast everything in an eerie glow that made Kaladin feel vaguely nauseous. Szeth's preference was to sit on the floor, so Kaladin sat cross-legged, behind Adolin and to the side, simply observing without interfering. Adolin leaned forward, touching Szeth’s knee with his hand but otherwise keeping a respectful distance. 

“Being excommunicated after you told them the truth, was that your fault?” Adolin asked. Szeth let out a long sigh, and as he started to breathe in again, Adolin breathed out, sending Stormlight into Szeth. 

Szeth stared unnervingly at Adolin for a heart-stopping moment of silence, then relaxed and started to cry, his head in his hands. “It wasn’t my fault. I did everything I could. I couldn’t make them listen, but...it wasn’t my fault…” he cried. He sat there for a moment, staring into the distance, then heaved a long, shuddering breath.

“Being called Truthless wasn’t my fault, but believing them was. Giving up all my control like I was still helpless, that was my fault. I...I have to forgive myself for that. All the murders…” he swallowed. “All the chaos I caused, all because I gave up my control.” His tearful eyes met Kaladin’s, and Kaladin returned his gaze seriously. Szeth continued. “You were right, Windrunner - I was a coward. Now, I must choose to be courageous. My power to choose my destiny. I have to take it back.” 

He looked back to Adolin. “But my oath to follow Dalinar...were the others right? Was I always beholden to authority - first my father, then Shin law, an oathstone, and now a king? I’ve never been able to trust myself. Nin-son-God, and my spren, they want me to discover my own law. What is my law? What is true justice? Was it right or wrong to have killed Taravangian?” He reached out his arms to Adolin in supplication. “By choosing to cleanse Shinovar of their false leaders, am I just continuing the chaos I’ve grown accustomed to? Were they just doing their best with the knowledge they had, and following their law? How could I fault that, if it is true?” The man grabbed Adolin’s forearms, shaking him, and drew close enough to him that Kaladin’s guard instincts kicked in, but he forced himself to stay seated. Szeth searched Adolin’s eyes pleadingly, then drew back again and shook his head. “Dare I believe in redemption?” he whispered to himself. “But I cannot follow my heart, for I have no heart to follow. Who am I? ” he choked. He looked terrified.

Adolin turned to Kaladin briefly, and Kaladin gave a barely visible shrug in return. It looks like some healing took place, but something is wrong. There’s no kernel of truth for him to hang on to. He’s empty. Adolin gestured towards Szeth with his chin, a look of hopeless panic in his eyes. Kaladin nodded and drew closer to take over. It would be safer for Adolin if he stayed close anyway. 

Kaladin touched Szeth’s hand where it was still gripping Adolin’s arm. “Maybe you find that out by trying out different things, and you learn what feels right. Maybe there are already things you know about justice, but it’s just hard to see right now.” Kaladin removed his hand from Szeth’s. “Is there anyone you can lean on to help you figure it out?” 

Justice? Does that mean destroying evil? I can help destroy evil! A voice called out helpfully in Kaladin’s mind. Adolin started, and Kaladin figured he’d heard it, too. It must be his strange sword. Dalinar had mentioned that it could speak in people's minds. 

“No sword-nimi,” Szeth sighed, leaning back and resting his hands on his knees. “If there’s anything I’ve learned from you, it’s that destroying evil comes at a great cost. Often, too great a cost.”

Are you sure? That sounds like something Vivenna would say. I think destroying evil is pretty easy if you ask me. Come on, it’s boring here. We should go destroy evil , the sword replied with what felt like a sullen tone to Kaladin’s ears.

Szeth’s face fell again as he thought, and when he looked up, his eyes were shining with tears. “Dalinar Kholin,” he said reverently. “I come back again to King Dalinar. He is a man of morals, good judgment. He understands what it’s like to change for the better. Yes. Dalinar is honourable. Maybe he won’t be my law forever, but he can guide my law for now. That can be enough until I find my own.” He nodded and sighed, a hand over his heart. “Maybe I’ll talk to him -”

Adolin got up abruptly. “I think we’re done for today,” he said curtly and stalked out of the room. 

“Was it something I said?” Szeth asked Kaladin, surprised. 

“No, you’re okay,” Kaladin said reassuringly. He stood calmly and patted his former enemy’s shoulder. “You did great today. We’ll be back tomorrow.” He left the cell, looking up and down the hall as a guard looked on. He disappeared. This is not like Adolin at all. “Which way did he go?” he asked the guard, who gestured deeper down the hall. 

Kaladin straightened his spine and squared his shoulders at the guard. “Tell the other guards to take watch at the ends of the halls, and do not let anyone pass. I want this section clear for the next hour.” It didn’t matter that he wasn’t a Highmarshal anymore. His tone of voice, and his name, carried all the authority he needed in this moment. The guard saluted and rushed away to do his bidding. Kaladin worried as he jogged down the hall to find Adolin. I knew he was tense, but I didn’t realize...

Adolin was in a small, dark cell further down the hall, looking like a mess. He was sweating, pacing, and summoning and dismissing his Shardblade over and over. Fearspren and painspren bubbled and clawed around him. Kaladin walked in and closed the door behind him softly, trying not to startle him. There wasn’t much room for both Kaladin and the Shardblade. Adolin looked up with a frightened expression on his face and dismissed Maya. “What is happening to me?” he said, holding his empty hands in front of him. They were shaking. Adolin sat down, then stood up again. He summoned Maya and sliced the wall with a cry, then dismissed Maya and fell to the ground among the painspren. 

Kaladin had never seen Adolin in this state before. He felt anxious, but forced it down and focused on helping Adolin. I have to have learned something that could help. “Adolin, what’s going on?” he asked. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Adolin gave him a look of cold fury. No he does not. He remembered the wrestling that Adolin had taught him. “Okay, you want to fight me on this? Fight me then,” he said, and grabbed Adolin, trying to throw him to the ground. If he’s too worked up, maybe he needs to spend some of that energy first. Just like with Oroden... 

...except Adolin was a grown man, a strong man who was better than Kaladin at wrestling even when he wasn’t in his right mind. He fought with an brute ferocity that surprised and scared Kaladin. He grabbed around Kaladin’s waist with lightning fast arms, picking him up and lifting him against his shoulder to throw him, but Kaladin managed to wiggle partially out and found enough purchase against a nearby wall to stagger Adolin, causing him to weaken his grip. Kaladin twisted and fell to the ground, and had almost regained his footing when Adolin came at him again. This time he grabbed Kaladin’s thigh and he fell hard against the stone floor. He sucked in some Stormlight to heal himself, but found himself pinned, unable to move even with enhanced strength. Adolin’s body weighed heavy against him, and he could feel Adolin’s heart beating as fast as a galloping horse. 

Adolin slowly lifted himself up, and Kaladin took in his still-frightened eyes, his heaving chest. Suddenly Adolin was on him again, but this time he was kissing - frantic, sloppy kisses across Kaladin’s lips, chin, and neck. 

Kaladin froze for a moment, unsure what to make of it. “Adolin, I -” he started, but got interrupted by Adolin’s lips on his. “No, I don’t think this is -” he tried again, but Adolin yanked up his shirt and started kissing his chest with that same frantic sloppiness. Unpinned now, Kaladin wiggled back from beneath him and looked at his boyfriend with concern. “Adolin, this isn’t you. What -” 

For a moment, Adolin knelt with his hands on the ground. His face quivered in shame, and then he dropped his head and began to cry, shamespren falling around him like beautiful petals. Oh, Adolin, how long have you been holding all this in? Kaladin inwardly thanked himself for getting the guards out of earshot, and pulled him up to a low cot meant to be a bed. Kaladin sat facing forward, and Adolin crawled up and into his lap facing him, Adolin’s legs awkwardly wrapped around his waist. Adolin wrapped his arms around Kaladin’s chest, and Kaladin cradled him, rocking him slowly as he sobbed.

After a few minutes, Adolin spoke, words spilling out with his tears. “Everyone always says ‘Dalinar is so much better now’ as if that’s supposed to absolve him of all the horrible things he did. No one batted an eye at his admission of killing my mother. I’m still so angry at him and no one understands…” 

“I understand,” Kaladin said, although maybe he didn’t. He was remembering too many lighteyes who got away with too many things, but then again, he hadn't lost his mother to a lighteyes. The news had been harsh, but it had been easier for him to put it aside because of how Dalinar had treated him and his men. He’d never known the Blackthorn, let alone been the Blackthorn's son. Kaladin thought for a moment. “It’s hard to know what justice should be for someone who is trying to turn things around the best they can. It seems like punishment would be appropriate, but at the same time executing him seems like too much, especially when he’s demonstrating he understands what he did was wrong and is trying to atone for it.”

Adolin looked up with tearful eyes. “I’m one of them, Kaladin. I’m just like him. What punishment do I deserve for killing Sadeas? It still haunts me, you know. I know I did the right thing to protect my family, but...it still feels wrong. I feel tainted in my core because of it. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.”

Killing to protect...it was something that was still a point of tension between himself and his father. Perhaps his father understood more about mental scars than he’d let on. There was a price to pay to be a killer, no matter the reason. 

“I can’t help but think of what my mother would think of me, knowing what I’ve done,” Adolin said, and sobbed again. Kaladin hugged him tight and continued rocking him. He didn’t know what else to do. “I miss her so much,” Adolin cried. “She used to comfort me when I felt bad. After she died, there was no one. Even after being married to Shallan I avoid her when I’m stressed. I...I don’t know why I do that.”

Thanks to Wit, Kaladin knew. “You’re used to climbing the mountain alone,” he said. He held the sides of Adolin’s head and gently wiped his tears with his thumbs. “But you have belayers now. You have Shallan, and me, and Maya. You have Renarin, and Skar and Drehy are always there for you. There's Navani and Jasnah. You’re not alone anymore.”

“I know,” Adolin said thickly. “I should go to Shallan, but I feel afraid that if I start to rely on her then I’m going to lose her too. Or Renarin. Or you. Even though it doesn’t make sense…I…” he hiccuped. “I just don’t want to lose anyone else.”

Adolin hugged him tight and cried, Kaladin cradling the back of his head with one hand, and rubbing his back with the other. As Kaladin kissed the top of his head, he saw the door to the cell open. Kaladin’s heart stopped and he tensed. Who could have gotten past the guards? A familiar face peered through and Kaladin's stomach flipped. 

Oh, storms.

It was the last person Adolin would want to see right now. 

Dalinar

A rage rose in Kaladin as he saw the man from a different perspective. Kaladin hugged Adolin protectively and glared at Dalinar with a ferocity that went beyond insubordination. He gestured with his eyes as if to say “Storm off!” Normally it would have felt like a dreadful risk, but in this moment it didn’t matter. He had to keep Dalinar away from Adolin right now. 

Dalinar’s eyes widened as he took in the scene, then backed out slowly and quietly, closing the door. Thank the Almighty, Kaladin thought. Now what do I say if he asks me about this later?

He turned his attention back to Adolin, who thankfully hadn’t noticed the exchange. 

“Maybe I deserved it,” Adolin said sadly. 

“Deserved what?” Kaladin asked.

“Getting stabbed,” Adolin replied. Kaladin’s heart sank. He was attacked? Where were his guards?  

Adolin sighed. “I haven’t told this to anyone, but I haven’t been the most popular person after housing and employing former slaves. The Highprinces are angry at me for causing upheaval in the social classes. Some of the people we helped were really grateful, but others - I wasn’t expecting them to take my hand up only to make an attempt on my life. Or, I don’t know, maybe it was an assassin. But he didn’t act like one. It felt...personal.” Kaladin’s eyes widened. Oh, Adolin. I should have said something when he brought it up. He actually thought it was going to be easy. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to live at the whims of lighteyes. He thought about Moash, Graves, and Elhokar, and his stomach twisted. He wanted to explain from his perspective, but he couldn’t share what he had done. That was his shame to the end of his days. Adolin would never see him the same.

“Oh, Jezerezeh . Are you okay?” Kaladin asked instead, but the answer was obvious.

“I thought I was,” Adolin replied. “I mean, I healed. It took a while, but Maya healed me. Bleeding out in an abandoned hallway reminded me so much of killing Sadeas that it broke something inside me. Is that justice? Is that what I deserved because I was too slow to help? Will my family all just end up murdered by one assassin or another? Do we deserve it?” He looked to Kaladin for an answer.

“Adolin,” Kaladin said, his heart breaking, “of course not.” Deep down he wasn't sure if what he said was true. He'd been trying not to think about it. He tried to think of a way to explain it, but he barely understood it himself. “Look, there’s a greater injustice by lighteyes against darkeyes, and you’re a part of it, but one person can’t bear the responsibility on behalf of all lighteyes. I can’t even imagine what justice against all lighteyes would look like. I thought I knew, once, but I don’t anymore. I realized it’s too big and too complicated for an easy answer, but that doesn’t stop some people from seeing it like that.” Storms, I'm one of them too. I felt awkward about being Landed and put a scribe in charge of running things. What if I'm neglecting the people who live there?

Adolin searched his eyes, and Kaladin brought himself out of his thoughts. “Why are you with me?” Adolin whispered. “After everything lighteyes have done to you?” He shook his head, looking down. “No, you don’t have to answer that.”

Kaladin cupped his face and met his eyes. This was an easier question to answer. “Look, we both know I saw you as just another lighteyes at first, but you won me over. It took a lot of work, but eventually I looked past your eye colour, your wealth, your powerful family, and the way you were raised,” he said mildly and Adolin's lips twitched towards a smile, “and I saw a good heart and someone who actually tries to make things better. You can be oblivious at times, but once you know, you care. And you don’t forget. You’re thinking about what justice for darkeyes could look like, but you’re not just thinking. You listen, and then you act to try to make things better, and you’ll make sacrifices to do it. And, look, I’m not the king of darkeyes, okay? Other people are going to feel different about you. But I’m with you because your love makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. You make me feel safe. You’re endlessly patient with me. You accept me even though I’m broken and weird. You’re also healing me, Adolin. I’m becoming a better person because of you.” Adolin relaxed into him, and they sat in silence as Kaladin rubbed Adolin’s back. The fearspren and painspren were finally gone. 

Kaladin rested his head on Adolin’s shoulder, and his anxiety returned. Maybe Shallan and I have taken advantage of how strong he is and how much he’s willing to sacrifice to make sure we’re okay . “You’re making Shallan and me stronger. That means you should trust us more. Please. Tell us when there’s something wrong.”

Adolin nodded against Kaladin’s body. There was a long pause, and then Adolin shifted. “This may seem silly, but...there is something else,” he murmured into Kaladin’s shoulder.

Kaladin’s stomach flipped like a skyeel, but he calmly continued rubbing his back. “Anything, love.” The word made Kaladin more nervous, but the feeling of Adolin’s smile against his body made it worthwhile. I thought he would like that. He loves cute names.  

Adolin’s smile faded as he considered. “How come you let Shallan kiss your cock but not me?” he asked softly.

That was the last question Kaladin expected. He blinked, surprised. “Ah, well,” he said, trying to get his thoughts in order, “it’s about feeling different, right, and Shallan is so wildly different than...you know...that I was willing to experiment with it and it turned out alright. And I guess I just got used to you and me not doing that.” Actually, he hadn’t thought of it at all. “I didn’t realize you wanted it. Do you want to try it on the night the three of us are together?” It would probably be fine, and he would feel more comfortable trying it with Shallan there. He’s gotten three requests out of me today just so I could make him happy, he thought. I must really be in love.  

“Okay, that sounds great,” Adolin said, pulling back again. He dried his eyes and smiled. His face was swollen and tear-streaked, and his hair was a mess. Somehow, seeing him like this made Kaladin feel lucky. 

“Speaking of requests, Shallan and I were talking about it and we think we should have me in her front and you in her back. I don’t know how it’s going to work though. I don’t think our cocks are the same height.”

They stood and compared, figuring out the logistics. “Well, you do have shorter legs than me,” Kaladin said, “and Shallan definitely won’t reach, but we don’t have to be standing. One of us could lay down underneath her, or we could lay on our sides.” He considered. “I suppose I could Lash her up, if she really wants us standing?”

Adolin grinned. “I’ll find something to stand on. I think she would really like that.” He kissed Kaladin and leaned into him again for a hug. “Kaladin, thank you. I really needed that I guess. I’m not used to feeling like this.” He pulled back and smiled softly. “I think I have a new appreciation for how hard it is for you sometimes.”

Kaladin matched Adolin's smile with one of his own. “Hopefully you won't get that lesson too often.” He tried to play with Adolin’s hair, but he had no idea how to fix it to its usual controlled chaos.

They faced each other, holding hands. “Oh, and another thing,” Adolin added. “Thanks for helping me out with Szeth. I couldn't have done it without you. There’s a reason you’re Roshar’s best mental surgeon.”

Kaladin’s heart warmed and he smiled back. “I’m glad I could help.” 

Notes:

Adolin gets all the hugs!!

He's gonna get to fuck in the next chapter. As a treat.

Chapter 38: A Quick Break

Summary:

Shallan surprises Adolin with a good old fashioned quickie.

Notes:

CW sex, recording sex.

You'll notice I've started a countdown to the mission...the story ends when the mission begins.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Eight days until the mission  

 

Shallan

 

Shallan leaned against the edge of a table in a meeting space she’d reserved on the fourth floor. She had a sliver of time between two meetings - a planning meeting with some of her mission team, and an advanced training for the Lightweavers who would be taking over Radiant’s old role training while Shallan was away. As she waited, she remembered how tired Adolin had been at the end of the day yesterday, what he'd said about the stabbing, his nightmares, his breakdown in front of Kaladin. He seemed to sleep okay last night, and he was in a much better mood today, she thought. It must have helped him to talk about it.

She patted her bag - towels, a change of clothing just in case, her training binder, some food - then readjusted her shirt. She had gotten a new sturdy set of clothing for the Horneater Peaks, and although she didn’t love trousers, they would be most practical for climbing over rocks in cold weather.

This is Kaladin’s doing, she thought, looking down at her brown trousers and white shirt. I’m becoming more practical. She smirked. Not to mention how annoyed he'll be when he sees that we match

“Isn’t it good to match? Pairs are very even. It feels smooth,” Pattern said pleasantly. 

“Pairs are overrated,” Shallan retorted, smiling. “It’s more important to be symmetrical.” 

Just then, the door opened and Adolin entered, panting a bit from the jog over. “Are you all right?” he asked. “The guard said you needed to see me right away, and - is it about Kaladin? Did you talk to Dalinar? I’ve got to head down for a healing session with Szeth, but I suppose he is a captive audience with the ardents…” he trailed off, stopping in his tracks as he took in her ensemble, and the door closed softly behind him. “Why are you wearing trousers?” he asked curiously.

Shallan turned a bit to the side, undoing a button of her shirt. “Oh, this? Do you like my new clothing for our travels? I thought I'd break it in.”

“Uh, yeah , I do.” He squinted at her, tilting his head slightly, and put his hands on his hips. “You know I love a woman in trousers.” Adolin licked his lips, and storms, the way he smiled made it feel like her buttons would pop open by themselves.

“Does that mean you love me , then?” she asked coquettishly, undoing another button. She took a step closer. Even after being married all this time she couldn't believe she had gotten to marry him . He was so much fun to tease.

He glanced down, taking in the freckled space between her breasts, which was becoming more exposed as she undid her shirt buttons. He bit his lip and took another step closer, grabbing her hand and spinning her, all the while taking in every angle. “Yes. Yes I love you," he said in that voice that meant he very much liked how she looked. "But you didn’t call me here just to admire your clothes.”

"Well a critique would be in order as well, after all you are Adolin Kholin."

He pulled her in close to him, starting a little dance, and he leered down her shirt hungrily. "Well the brown is definitely a practical choice for climbing, although I hear the colour is getting more popular," he grinned. "It's pretty bold that I can see your nipples through your shirt,” he joked. 

"My Horneater Peaks? These are for you to climb today," Shallan replied, tapping his nose.  She kissed him as they rocked back and forth, stepping in time to an imperceptible rhythm.

"I can't help but notice that there is a certain resemblance to a handsome surgeon's preferred ensemble. Coincidence?" Adolin raised an eyebrow, leaning back to undo another button.

"Surgeon Stormface must be rubbing off on me," she said. 

"In more ways than one, from what I’ve heard," he retorted, grinning.

She laughed. He was very good at it. “Speaking of which, I know you don’t have much time, but I thought I could convince you to have a proper break with me. You did have a pretty tough day yesterday,” she said, sliding his jacket off and draping it over a nearby chair. 

“And now you're giving me surgical advice?” he asked with a twinkle in his eye. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her in. “Is there something you’d prescribe for me, dear?”

"My prescription is a hundred kisses and a good orgasm. Luckily I have your medicine right here," she said, untucking her shirt and shrugging it off. She tilted his head down and they kissed, starting with small pecks and then moving on to deeper, wetter kisses as he supported her head with his hand, his other arm still wrapped around her waist. She loved how firm and secure his grasp was when he held her close. She felt she would never get her fill of this feeling. He hummed, groaning a bit into her as she felt him start to get hard. Right , she thought. We don’t have all the time in the world. 

She reluctantly pulled out of the kiss and unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled and lowered his trousers as he leaned over to drape the shirt carefully on top of the jacket. He stepped out of his trousers easily, then pushed her backwards against the table again. She wiggled her trousers down to her thighs, and he lifted her up to sit on the edge of the table. He yanked the trousers down to her ankles, grinning, but they had been tucked into her boots, so he simply lifted her legs up above her head, and she laid back, laughing and totally exposed. 

“You look gorgeous, you know,” he said between kisses to her naked thighs. She thought she could hear him counting, and she giggled at his fastidiousness.

“Hold onto that thought,” Shallan said. “Do you mind if we share this with Kaladin?”

Adolin looked around. “Is he here? I thought he was working.”

“He is working,” Shallan said mischieviously, “but I can send Pattern with a copy of the noises we make so he doesn’t miss out.”

Adolin paused. "Okay," she heard him say slowly. "We can give it a try. See if he likes it." He resumed his kissing. 

“Can I help?” a crinkly voice asked. 

“Ah, Maya!" Adolin jumped. "Uh, you can watch outside and make sure no one gets in." After Maya left, he peeked at Shallan from behind her legs. “You’re not setting a good example for the spren, you know,” he chided toothlessly. 

Shallan just grinned. “How about you set a good example for Kaladin instead,” she preened. "Keep telling me how gorgeous I am."

Adolin smiled. “You’re lucky you're so gorgeous or you wouldn't get away with half the things you do. I'm a slave to your beauty.” He disappeared behind her legs again and she could feel his hot breath on her, kissing, licking, sucking, in exactly the order she loved. This is why he’s the best duellist in Roshar , she thought for the thousandth time, her eyes rolling back into her head. She leaned back and enjoyed his ministrations, sighing and moaning so Kaladin could hear how much she liked it. She got lost in the world of warm, gentle pleasure that Adolin was creating with his tongue and lips, licking and humming and kissing. She sensed rolling hills and warm sunshine in his touch. She rolled her body along with it, moaning happily as Adolin brought her up and over into orgasm gracefully and easily. 

“Oh, Adolin, that was delightful,” she cooed. "Can I have some more?"

She felt the warm, round tip of his spear against her and she moaned again. “Not too loud, Shallan, the guards are right outside,” he said, but she could hear the smile in his voice. He didn’t seem to actually care that much. 

He sheathed himself inside her smoothly, him slicked and her wet and ready. He pushed into her, filling her up perfectly like he had been made just for her. There was a comfort and security in being so familiar with the feeling of Adolin inside her, and yet with her eyes closed it was fun to pretend she didn’t know whether it was Adolin or Kaladin. There was something exciting and dangerous about even imagining it. He slid in long and slow, teasing her, then stopped when he was fully sheathed. He took the time to yank off her boots and trousers, then spread her legs, holding her ankles. He pulled out slowly with a soft groan, and eyed her hungrily.

“I wanted to be able to see you,” he said, thrusting himself fully inside her again, then leaning in to kiss her. She came back into the moment and smiled.

“Kaladin, he’s got me up on a table in a meeting room, and he’s...mmm...he’s inside me, he’s holding my legs up,” she said. 

She sat up to meet his lips, and flung her arms around his neck to hold herself as close to him as she could. As she changed position, he let go of her ankles in favour of her hips, and thrust into her harder and faster. She looked down with him to watch the place where their bodies met. “Almighty, Kaladin, she’s so beautiful,” Adolin added. “I’m holding her ass now, she wrapped her legs around me...” Their breath got shallower, faster, and Adolin looked at her body with both hunger and satisfaction in his eyes as he maintained his rhythm. “The sun is shining on her freckles…her hair is in her eyes...” Their eyes met, and Adolin fell silent. She fell into his eyes, like all she could see was open blue skies and all she could feel was the completeness of him inside her. She felt a tension building inside, and started to pant, knowing she was close again, this time from the inside. 

She closed her eyes and leaned back again. “Kaladin, he’s so good with his spear. He’s got just the right angle, he’s vanquishing me,” she moaned. She leaned her head back and touched herself quickly. Her muscles tensed in a deep orgasm, causing him to gasp and slow down his pace. Even trying to do it quickly, he can’t help but try to make it last, she thought as she prolonged her own pleasure with her touch. 

Soon she was fully relieved, and Adolin thrust slower and deeper until he came, locking eyes with her, his lips parted, his face relaxed. A tingle ran through her body as she felt him reach his limit, pressing up against her deepest parts as he throbbed inside her. She gasped and her hand automatically went to touch herself again, and she came one last time as he slowly pulled out of her. She let her head fall back to the table and she laughed giddily. She was still tingling all over.

“She’s so wet Kaladin, I’m going to have to clean her up,” Adolin said. Shallan reached and pulled a towel out of her bag, but Adolin was already bending down to lap her up.

“He’s trying to lick me clean,” she giggled. “There’s a towel right here, Adolin.” 

His head popped up, his tousled hair bouncing a little. “You thought of everything, didn’t you?” he smiled, taking the towel and wiping himself, then attending to her gently. “Wow, I have no idea how much time has passed, but I should probably get going...as much as I want to stay and kiss you all afternoon.” 

He got his boots back on as she found her underwear. She wrapped the binder in preparation for the training, then put her shirt on. “No nipples this time, right?” she said.

“Shallan, that ensemble looks even sexier on you now than it did before. I don’t know how.” He pulled her in for one last kiss. “One hundred. A prescription that would make our surgeon proud. And thank you. I’m the luckiest man in Roshar.” He smiled at her gently.

Shallan fixed her hair and put everything back in the bag. “I hope you enjoyed this, Kaladin. There could be more if you want it.” Adolin made kissy noises for Kaladin’s benefit. “Well Pattern, time to repeat that back to Kaladin,” she said. 

“Okay!” Pattern said, and started gliding away.

“Wait!” Shallan yelped. 

Pattern buzzed, spinning in place. 

“Pattern, this is very important. Do not repeat it until he is alone. Very alone. Okay?”

“Just one! Alone! By himself. One Kaladin. No one else,” Pattern confirmed.

Shallan breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, great, now go to Kaladin and stay with him until you’ve repeated the message.” 

“You can count on me!” Pattern said enthusiastically, and slid under the door.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but watching Pattern leave meant letting go of the outcome. She said a quick prayer that she hadn’t just made a horrible mistake, and let it go, focusing instead on getting her training boots on. Adolin watched her dress with a smile, then kissed her again and reluctantly made to leave. 

“Wait! I have some food for you before you go,” Shallan said. She handed over a steamed bun and took one herself. It was cold but still delicious. She was determined to train herself out of disliking the Truthberry flavour since Kaladin had offered it to her. As she ate it, she focused on the texture of the bun as well as the sweetness of the flavour, and saw Kaladin's hopeful eyes. Already, it felt a bit more pleasant, more like Kaladin and less like Kabsal. 

“Thanks darling! I’ll take mine on the run,” Adolin said. “Do I look ok?” He patted his shirt and ran a hand through his hair.

“You look marvellous,” she said, blowing him a kiss. “Now go heal that assassin.”

He smiled, relaxed and genuine, and winked at her. “Yeah, I think I found the strength somewhere.”

Notes:

Good for them. I love their married sex, it's so sweet and they know each other so well.

Chapter 39: Edgedancing

Summary:

Adolin trains in Edgedancing under Godeke. Adolin helps Lift. Godeke helps Adolin.

Notes:

CW power and politics

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Seven days until the mission

 

Adolin

 

Adolin’s first Edgedancing training had gone terribly. He and Godeke were working in the Edgedancers’ outdoor training yard, which provided various textures to practice slippiness - moss, mud, and stone, rather than the sand of a regular sword training arena. He had gotten his basic forms in place by sliding in the mud, but he couldn’t get himself to glide on moss or stone. His slippiness, which Godeke had called Abrasion, still seemed to be limited to certain parts of his body that he didn’t want to talk about publicly. After a while, Lift had joined them, watching from the side, and took great pleasure in laughing at Adolin’s attempts. 

“Don’t take it personally, she does this with all the new Edgedancers,” Godeke had said in an easy tone. “It’s a rite of passage around here.” Adolin had laughed and then thrown himself on purpose, and Lift had laughed so hard she’d almost fallen over. That part had been fun.

Then they tried physical healing, which was much less fun. His Surge of Progression seemed to be limited to himself, like any other order of Radiant. In the end, he appeared almost ordinary, besides Maya displaying herself proudly on his cuffs, offering him encouragement.

Eventually, Adolin sat heavily on the ground, and Lift joined him. Godeke paced on the moss, his expression befuddled as he stroked his squared beard.

“I really don’t understand it, Highprince, I’ve never even heard of anything like this,” Godeke said incredulously. “Then again, just a few years ago I would have said the same of Radiant powers, which we take for granted now.” He continued pacing, and Adolin grunted in agreement, watching Godeke’s face carefully.

Adolin desperately wanted someone to talk to about his mental healing, but he didn’t know how Godeke would handle it. He had spent some time with him in Shadesmar, and he had proven himself a good man in a tough situation, but could a former ardent handle talking about such private matters? Better wait and see how things are going with Szeth before I talk about it, he thought. He had done his third healing session with him today, and it seemed to have gone well. Szeth had cried more and talked about his father’s blistering requirements of obedience. Adolin was starting to understand how Szeth could have grown up to follow a rock.

He’d hoped that transitioning from healing someone he was having sex with to healing a stranger would help him transition his powers to physical healing and a broader use of his slippiness, but it looked like that hadn’t happened. Father will be disappointed once he learns I don’t have normal Radiant powers. It frustrated Adolin that he was different, but also he found satisfaction in defining himself outside his father’s expectations. Renarin was right - Father couldn’t stop him from being himself, whatever that ended up being, and there was a part of Adolin that took great pleasure in that fact. The only problem was - would he still be allowed on the mission once his father found out?

“You’ve been very patient with me, Godeke,” Adolin said. “Thank you for trying.”

Lift patted him on the arm. “Look, Princey, I’m different too,” she said. “I don’t use Stormlight like the others. I use food. Wyndle calls it Lifelight but I don’t know anything about that. I just do it, and it works.” She looked up at Adolin thoughtfully, squinting her eyes. “I think you do something special and you haven’t told us,” she said with a skeptical voice, wagging her finger. 

Adolin blinked in surprise, and Lift yelled “I knew it!” Storms, when will I learn to hide my feelings?

“See, Godeke, I told you!” she said proudly, then turned on Adolin fiercely. “The night of your party I drank your wine and then I grew two starvin’ inches overnight!” She pointed at him, but he could see she was being careful not to get too close. 

“Oh!” Adolin said. “Sorry?” He wasn’t sure how he had been responsible for that. Didn’t his mental healing require intent?

“What is it you can do, Highprince?” Godeke asked curiously. 

Trapped under the gaze of two people intent on figuring him out, Adolin found himself a bit relieved to admit it. Part of it, at least.

“I...I think I can do mental healing,” Adolin said finally. He felt more enthusiastic when he saw their interested faces. “I just figured it out recently. Actually, I’ve been practicing on Szeth, the Assassin in White, for a few days now.”

Lift smacked her hands on her knees. “I knew it was starvin’ special! Can you heal swords? His sword needs mental healing even more than he does, and that’s sayin’ a lot.” She shivered, rubbing her arms.

Godeke leaned forward. “How do you do it, Highprince? What effect does it have?”

“Well, sometimes it seems to happen through touch - maybe our hands touched when you grabbed my wine, Lift. With Szeth I touch his knee, and we breathe together, and I can sort of breathe Stormlight into him. Then he thinks, and he has a lot of feelings, and he talks about things that have happened to him,” Adolin said. “He’s been talking a lot about justice,” he added, then thought better of saying anything more. It was too private. 

“That sounds like what would happen sometimes when I used to talk to people about their Calling, Highprince,” Godeke said thoughtfully after a moment. “Minus the Stormlight of course. But it seems to happen a lot faster in your case, similar to physical healing ability in that respect. Interesting.”

Lift squinted at Adolin again, her mouth twisted. “Are you saying there’s something wrong with me?” she asked warily.

Adolin shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t hear your thoughts or anything. I didn’t even know I made you grow.” He paused, then smiled and poked her in the rib. “What makes you think that you growing was because of me? Do you think there’s something wrong with you?”

Lift’s eyes widened and Adolin thought he saw a tear. “Oh - no - Lift, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...” He reached out to pat her shoulder. When he did, he felt a warmth in his hand and a coldness in his body, and Lift threw her arms around him, squeezing him tight. She buried her face in his shoulder and stayed there for a moment. 

Godeke and Adolin shared a confused glance. Adolin patted her back. 

“I don’t wanna grow up,” she said finally. “I don’t wanna grow up into a woman.”

“Why not?” Adolin asked.

“Would you?” she said in a scathing tone. “I don’t wanna read, or sit at a desk all day. I don’t wanna spend hours on makeup or walk nice. I just wanna...be myself.” She sniffed. “If I grow up I won’t fit into vents, I won’t be able to slip in and out of places so easy. That’s who I am though. I don’t wanna be not myself.”

Godeke moved closer and patted her back. “Everyone changes, and they find new things to do with the skills they have. I’m sure when you grow you’ll find out there are new things you haven’t been able to do before.”

Adolin nodded. “Yeah, what about Wyndle? Once you’re bigger you’ll be able to wield him better.”

Lift sniffed. “Wyndle doesn’t like hurting people.”

Adolin tilted his head. “Oh. Well - okay, well how about this? The Mink is all grown up and he’s constantly slipping in and out of places. Maybe you’ll be like him when you grow up.”

Lift raised her head off Adolin’s shoulder, her eyes shining. “You mean it? I can grow up to be like him?”

“Sure,” Adolin said. He hugged her and let her go. “When you’re a grownup, you get to decide who you are and what you like to do. How to spend your life. What you look like. Getting out of the shadow of other people’s expectations is one of the best things about growing up,” he said, thinking of the conflict between himself and his father. 

“Wow, I do actually feel so much better,” Lift said, standing and brushing the moss off her clothes. “I’m gonna go find him!” She started to run off, but turned back briefly. “Thanks! You know, you’re not so bad for a Prince!”

Adolin shook his head as he watched her run. “Yeah, I hear that more and more…” he said to himself, somewhat sadly. 

Godeke eyed him nervously. “I’m so sorry, Highprince, she simply has no manners, and no amount of training seems to get it into her.”

Adolin looked back at him, surprised that a man who had left the Ardentia was so concerned about Lift not using proper titles. “It’s okay, it’s just me,” he said defensively. 

“Just you?” Godeke asked incredulously. “Just the Highprince of the Kholin family,” he added flatly, then looked away quickly. A fearspren appeared at his feet.

Adolin felt confused. He had spent a lot of time cultivating an air of approachability, and he was surprised that Godeke didn’t feel that, even after what they’d been through. “Go on, Godeke,” Adolin said. “You saved my life in Shadesmar. You can speak freely to me. What are you trying to say?” 

A single bubble of angerspren took the fearspren’s place, and a challenge flashed in Godeke’s eyes. “You should know what I’m trying to say. You’re a Kholin. You know, the Kholins who rose up and razed and pillaged the other Princedoms of Alethkar until they came under their heel?” He trailed off, shaking his head, then met Adolin’s eyes. “Are you aware that you’re the head of the wealthiest, most powerful family in Alethkar, won by right of conquest?” He levelled his dark brown eyes at Adolin, and Adolin could tell he was holding back. The older man ran his tongue across his teeth before speaking again. “ You have the freedom to choose how you would like people to call you, Highprince - we don’t. The sooner Lift learns that, the safer she’ll be. She’s been able to get away with a lot, but things will change as she grows up. No offense intended, Highprince, but if a darkeyes guesses incorrectly, it’s a darkeyes who will suffer for it.”

Adolin felt surprised and guilty. Godeke’s candour was challenging, but refreshing, too. He might not have another chance like this - after all, Godeke had just touched on a thought that had been swirling around his head since he’d started courting Kaladin, and he couldn't help but think that Kaladin wasn't saying everything on his mind. He knew that his role in his family meant that he had power, but a reassuring smile usually evened things out. 

“Godeke, you can be mad at lighteyes, but don’t be mad at me. I’m doing everything I can to make things better,” Adolin said reassuringly, and smiled. “I take my responsibility to rule seriously. I punish commanders and leaders who take advantage of their power. I’m helping the former slaves build new lives. I’m courting a darkeyed man, for Taln’s sake, I’m not harming darkeyes in any way! Why would you be angry at me?” His voice tipped towards defensiveness. I don’t deserve for them to be angry at me.

“I don’t think you understand just how much power you have, Highprince, and keeping a darkeyed Radiant as your bedmate isn’t going to cure you of it,” Godeke said bluntly. “You’re not a victim.”

I am a victim, Adolin thought, his anger rising. “Godeke, the former slaves, they took my spheres gladly, and then one of them tried to kill me, so excuse me if I’m feeling a bit like a victim lately,” Adolin spat. “And I’m not keeping Kaladin, I’m courting him. He’s my boyfriend.”

“You say they tried to kill you like it’s special, Highprince. Being close to death without your consent is the exception for you, not the rule. Ask your darkeyed boyfriend how often lighteyes tried to kill him outside of battle. Being in danger is nothing special for a darkeyes. We have to get used to living with fear, with not having control. I say again, you really don’t understand your power.”

I understand it perfectly, Adolin thought defensively, but kept his mouth shut. He’d asked Godeke to speak freely, and he would listen to him all the way through, no matter how wrong he was.

Godeke continued. “Your boyfriend. Stormblessed. He’ll never be safe, not fully safe, and he’ll always be more vulnerable as long as he’s with you. He’s connected to your family but without the rights and privileges of that family. His status, his land and incomes, whatever was given to him by the King can just as easily be taken from him by the Queen, and for any reason. It’s already happened to him at least once, and I wouldn’t be surprised if everything had been taken from him multiple times. Like any darkeyes, he knows this anxiety deeply.”

Godeke looked in his eyes, seeing it was safe to continue. “You should know that before he started courting you he probably considered the possibility that if the relationship went poorly it could end up with him being executed, or him and his family banished from Urithiru. Or that he could be sold into slavery again, although now I suppose he doesn’t have to worry as much about that. Thank goodness slavery is over, so now everything is better,” Godeke said, slightly sarcastically.

“No,” Adolin whispered, but even as he said it he knew it was true. Kaladin’s hopelessness at the beginning of their relationship made so much more sense now. His “eyes of red and blue” story. His tears. The way his hand had been shaking as he put Adolin’s hand around his waist. Adolin met Godeke’s widened eyes, and suddenly he could see that even the man in front of him had taken a similar risk by saying this much. 

“But...but I’m not like that,” Adolin pleaded. “I would never do that to him, he doesn’t have to worry. I’m...I’m trying to help. I’m trying to make things better. Why...” he trailed off. Why don’t they like me? Why don’t you like me? he thought, pathetically. Why didn’t he have a stronger argument?

Godeke seemed to know where he was going. “Well, and I hope you know I do respect you, Highprince, and I’ve heard about what you’ve been doing, trying to help the former slaves. What you’re doing is much more helpful than anything the other Highprinces have done, but giving you credit for being better than them is like congratulating you just for entering the duelling arena. Besides, if you’re doing it for gratitude, you’re going to be sorely disappointed, and you will have missed the point entirely.” Godeke stroked his beard thoughtfully. He appeared to be more relaxed. 

“Doesn’t it go both ways though?” Adolin asked. “Darkeyes have their burdens, but lighteyes have burdens too. We each have a responsibility within our roles, lighteyes to organize and rule, and darkeyes to work and live.” He had envied darkeyes for their lack of responsibility more than once. “Isn’t it enough to be a good lighteyes? Like the story of Nohadon carrying the stone for the old man. Doesn’t a good leader, you know, carry the load for the lowly man sometimes? Walk among the people? Try to relieve them?” Adolin asked, feeling somewhat childish and naive even as he asked it. 

“Is it better to carry the stone for the man for an hour, as Nohadon did, or to look into why the man had to carry the stone in the first place?” Godeke asked rhetorically. “Does he have to carry that stone every day, or do other people share the load? Who does he carry it for? Why must the stone be that size? These are harder questions, and they don’t give you the quick feel-good feelings that Nohadon got from carrying the stone for a while.”

Godeke stared past Adolin into the distance. “In the end, the king’s guards felt pity for the king, not the man carrying the stone. The story invites you to think that their burdens are equal, but they are not. It’s a dangerous story to tell to a darkeyes.” Godeke lifted an eyebrow at him, and he blushed. “I wonder what the story would have sounded like if the man carrying the stone had told it, and not the king. You should ask your boyfriend sometime, if you dare.”

The ardent leaned back again. “The purpose of the story is to make the listener pity the king for his invisible burden. And surely you feel that burden, as a Highprince. But why, Highprince, are things set up so that the man with power must carry such a heavy burden alone? Why is this burden of power not broken up into smaller pieces, such that many could share the load? Why is the power of the kingdom so concentrated, so that a handful of people rule under this heavy burden, so vulnerable to personal attacks, and the rest suffer for their lack of power? Do you understand that expecting them to be grateful for your succour suggests that your power was equal to start? In truth, you are trying to right a wrong that took place, and their gratitude should not be expected. They lost years they will never get back, and they still have lives to put together.” Adolin thought of Kaladin, struggling to feel any kind of positive feeling. He nodded.

Godeke sighed. “I am sorry that someone tried to kill you. I don’t mean to imply that it was okay. Assassination doesn’t work because it kills the man, not the power, and it’s the power that’s the problem. The power you wield, Highprince, is a blade many times beyond the power of a Shardblade. You were given the weapon by your father, who forged it by right of conquest, and it has the power to kill, torture, or maim thousands at will, for any reason. The problem isn’t what you’re doing with the weapon you wield, it’s the fact that the weapon exists. We got lucky to have you in this position, because we darkeyes have no control over who wields this power over us.”

Adolin nodded again. When I wanted to reject my potential appointment as king, maybe I was trying to reject something that was wrong about it, rather than shirking my responsibility . Like how Renarin had rejected the Shardblade because he could hear the dead spren screaming. Maybe he heard a different kind of screaming, wielding the power of a Highprince. 

Godeke continued. “You bemoan the weight of the weapon you carry, but the shadow of that weapon darkens our days like the shadow of Urithiru over the mountains. We never know when or how it will fall, but we know that it will. You do not know the weight of that shadow.”

He looked away, and Adolin tensed. He reached out to touch Godeke, willing to heal him, but nothing happened. Godeke looked down and chuckled. “Unfortunately, Highprince, the problem isn’t in my mind, and feeling differently about it won’t make me any safer in reality.” Adolin blushed, ashamed of the implication he’d just made. 

Godeke patted Adolin’s knee, and looked him in the eyes. “Just...before you jump into making changes, you might want to step back and think - should I be the person that makes this decision? That’s all.” Godeke looked away, and an anxietyspren showed beside his foot again. “I’m not trying to speak against the monarchy or anything, okay? I’m just trying to help you think about what it’s like for us.”

Adolin nodded. “Thank you Godeke,” he said. “I never thought about the story of the old man and stone that way before. You’re right, having power is one kind of burden, but lacking it is another burden. One that I obviously don’t understand well enough.” He thought of Kaladin saying he’d looked past his powerful family, as though it were a liability. He’d thought it was a joke at the time, but now he started to cringe. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.” He stood, then helped Godeke to his feet, noticing the anxietyspren. “I know maybe it doesn’t mean a lot from me, but I’m not planning on harming you or anyone you love because of this conversation.” 

Godeke nodded. 

“I mean, not because of any other reason either, storms!” Adolin added quickly, and Godeke laughed, the anxietyspren finally drifting away. 

“Yeah, you’re not so bad for a Highprince,” Godeke joked, and Adolin sighed in relief. 

“I’m starting to realize what a low standard that is,” Adolin smiled. “Maybe someday I’ll be good for an Edgedancer.”

Godeke patted him on the shoulder. “I think you will be,” he said. 

As he walked away, Adolin’s mind raced. Can I ask Kaladin if this is what he went through? Am I being a weakling about this assassination attempt? Perhaps Godeke would be a good match for Szeth on his mission. He certainly had some interesting thoughts about justice. He’s storming good with words, too. Some of his thoughts felt too raw to speak even in his mind, like he didn’t know the words. I’ll think about this more after the mission, he thought. He wouldn’t forget this conversation, and he would force himself to face his power as a Highprince. Could this weapon be reforged somehow? He desperately wanted to talk to Kaladin about this, but he didn’t want to upset him either, and perhaps he wasn’t actually the right person to talk to. After the mission.

Until then, he committed to keeping Kaladin safe from anyone who might harm him - even himself.

Notes:

Lift is on Radiant puberty blockers and no one can convince me otherwise. Yes I mean trans Lift!! 🥰

Did I need to include a chapter on Adolin just barely starting to come to terms with the fact that he is powerful? No. Does he need it? Yes. I'm doing it for Adolin. Who knows if Sanderson will ever address it...

Chapter 40: Punishment

Summary:

Kaladin and Shallan have their last lunch together. Shallan is punished for her crime.

Notes:

CW sex, light restraint bondage

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Six days until the mission

 

Shallan

 

Shallan and Kaladin walked amiably through the halls of Urithiru, arm in arm. It felt so right to be able to touch him in public like this. It had been their last lunch before the mission, and there had been lots to talk about. He had reassured her again that he wouldn’t run if things got bad for him, and she had reassured him that she was all right. He had talked a little bit about Adolin’s breakdown, and Kaladin had asked for advice about how to approach it with Dalinar. Poor Kaladin looks up to Dalinar so much, but knows that Adolin will not want anything shared with him, she thought. They had decided that Adolin should know what Dalinar had seen, and if Dalinar were to ask about it, Kaladin would tell him he could ask his son himself. 

Kaladin had seemed to relax after that. She was quite enjoying how much more relaxed he seemed today, despite all that was happening. Kaladin seemed to be trying harder since that disastrous evening a few nights ago. He had offered to walk her back to her rooms, and had charmingly extended his arm for her to take while they walked, something that would have been unthinkable a few weeks ago. She smiled and squeezed his arm, grateful for the gesture, and he squeezed back.

“You’re looking pretty happy, Shallan. What are your plans for the afternoon?” he asked.

“Well, I got my team finalized - well, almost, once we have you officially on board then we’ll be finalized,” she replied, “but yeah, I’m feeling good about it, so I’m taking the afternoon off with Adolin. He said he had a surprise for me.”

“That sounds very sweet. Do you have any ideas?” Kaladin asked mildly. Something in his tone reminded her of Hesina, and she instantly became suspicious. 

“Kaladin, do you know what the surprise is?” she asked, searching his face. “You have to tell me!”

“I don’t have to tell you anything,” Kaladin said slyly, “even if I did know.”

Pattern buzzed with excitement, sensing the lie. 

Shallan’s heart started to race as she realized that Kaladin knew about whatever Adolin was planning. Are they planning to have sex with me today? The thought was scintillating, and she tugged at his arm. “Kaladin, you have to tell me.” 

“We’re almost there,” Kaladin said, a small smirk playing on his lips. “I guess you’ll find out soon enough.”

He was right, of course - her rooms were just ahead. Unable to contain her excitement, Shallan ran to the door and rushed inside, but Adolin wasn’t in the main room. Kaladin entered the room too, lingering mysteriously as the door closed softly behind him. His smirk was blatant now, and his arms were crossed as he leaned back against the door.  

“Adolin? Where are you?” Shallan called out, putting down her bag and looking around. She looked at Kaladin, and he shrugged.

“In the bedroom,” Adolin called back.

Shallan ran to find Adolin, and she barged into the bedroom, expecting to find him on the bed, but he wasn’t there either. Just as she started to turn to look around, she was shoved face first onto the bed. She squealed in delight. Oh, they have something planned! This is going to be so much fun! A warm hand brushed a line from one elbow, across her upper back, and down the back of her other arm. Odd. Then a hand brushed a line from the back of one knee, up and across her buttocks, and down the other side. Suddenly, she was pulled off the bed, and Kaladin lifted her and stuck her to the wall. With a wicked grin, he touched her chest with his finger, and suddenly her weight shifted so that it felt like she was lying down on the wall rather than hanging from it. It was an odd, stomach-churning sensation. Kaladin brushed her hair away from her face, arranging it as it lay on the wall. 

“There, perfect,” Kaladin said, stepping back to take in the whole effect. He had lifted her so that her face was only slightly lower than Kaladin’s - still within easy reach for a kiss - if only he were closer. 

Adolin rounded the corner from the dressing room, wearing a light, silky robe. Shallan’s heart beat faster. Is this what I think it is? But his face looked serious. 

“Now love, you have asked for a precious gift from us,” he said slowly, closing the distance between them, and his lips hovered tantalizingly close to hers. She lifted her head and snuck a kiss.

Adolin pulled his head back with a surprised smile. “Oh, that won’t do at all,” he said, and turned to Kaladin. “I thought you were sticking her to the wall.”

“Oh, sorry Adolin,” Kaladin said, and wiped the back of her head, then allowed it to fall back naturally. “Does that feel ok Shallan?”

She tried to move and found she couldn’t lift her head. “Well, I can’t move, but I’m comfortable enough,” she said warily. “What is happening?”

Adolin laughed and stepped back, crossing his arms. “Tell her, Kaladin.”

Kaladin was back to rearranging her hair on the wall. “Well, Shallan, if you recall, you lied to us about what you were up to, and you hid from us that you loved me.” His voice was soft, and the sensation of his hand on her hair was extremely gentle and pleasant. “There.” He stepped back, admiring his handiwork. Adolin nodded. “Beautiful,” he said, patting Kaladin’s shoulder in approval. 

Kaladin continued. “You said you weren’t going to avoid any consequences. Adolin and I talked it over and decided that before you get your gift, you needed to be punished so you wouldn’t lie anymore about wanting us. The just punishment, of course, being that you have to watch what you missed out on while you avoided talking to us.”

“So I’m going to be stuck here while you get all the fun?” she asked, sputtering a laugh. “You two are vicious. However, I did promise I wouldn’t try to escape any consequences.” She tried to shift her body and confirmed she was quite stuck, though comfortable. “I didn’t think it would be quite so literal though.” 

Kaladin stepped close to her and held up an infused sphere. “The bonds are being maintained by this sphere.” He put it against her palm, and she closed her fingers around it. “If you need to, just breathe in the Stormlight and you’ll be released to the floor again.” He touched his nose to hers, chuckling as she strained to lift her head to steal a kiss and failed. She thought about releasing herself and decided not to. 

“Ahhh, fine! I submit!” she said testily, and the boys laughed

“It’s already difficult not to touch her,” Adolin said to Kaladin, his arm around his shoulder. 

“Touch me then,” Kaladin said, pulling her husband into his embrace. “Next time she’ll be able to join us. Remember, this is her just punishment.” Kaladin turned to her. “Just imagine what it’s like, Shallan, having to listen without being able to touch. At least this way you get to see. I’m not that cruel.” He winked. Storms, she had inspired him with the sounds she had sent him through Pattern. 

Shallan laughed. “Okay, fine, I get it. Punish me then.” She could feel she was already wet, and it was just going to get worse from here. At least I’ll be able to take care of myself afterwards. Or maybe I can convince Adolin to take care of me later tonight. It shouldn’t take too much convincing. She smiled, seeing that Adolin was still watching her even as Kaladin started kissing his neck. 

“Hey, we’re supposed to be punishing her, not me, Adolin,” Kaladin said teasingly as he grasped Adolin’s jaw and turned his face towards him. Shallan groaned, watching them touch each other. It really was a kind of poetic justice, but somehow she found herself enjoying it immensely. How many times have I imagined it, and now they’re going to show me what they do together!



***********

 

Kaladin

 

Kaladin was pushed back onto the bed, Adolin shoving with a ravenous energy that excited him. Kaladin sat up and started removing his shirt, while Adolin attacked his pants, yanking them off with one pull. Kaladin laughed, revelling in Adolin’s enthusiasm. After facing Adolin’s hurt and fear, and then witnessing his vulnerable state, Kaladin felt that much closer to him, that much more trusting, eager to be bared by him, to be with him. 

And with Shallan watching over him, he felt like nothing could go wrong. He was getting the best of the two of them - Adolin’s pure sexual energy and touch, and Shallan’s comforting presence and understanding. He smiled, thinking this probably wasn’t Shallan’s idea of the best time, but he would enjoy it anyway, just this once. She’ll be getting everything she wants soon enough.

Meanwhile, Adolin turned his back to Shallan and opened his robe in front of Kaladin, revealing what Kaladin had suspected - he was naked underneath. Adolin was already growing erect, and he flopped down on top of Kaladin, straddling his hips, the robe covering them both as Adolin kissed and nipped at Kaladin’s neck.

“Hey!” Shallan called from the wall. “I was told I was going to be watching!” 

Adolin giggled. After Kaladin had listened to Shallan’s strange gift, he had dismissed Pattern, masturbated thoroughly, and then started thinking of a way to get back at her. It had been Adolin’s idea to frame it as a punishment for her lie. It was perfect.  

Adolin pulled back just far enough to see Kaladin’s face, then pulled the robe over their heads so that their faces were covered, but Adolin’s ass was exposed.

“That’s better,” Shallan said, her words somewhat muffled by the robe.

Kaladin rubbed Adolin’s back slowly, enjoying the feeling of his smooth skin and rippling muscles under his hands. Adolin’s stomach was warm against his, and he could feel his boyfriend throbbing against him. Adolin smiled just for Kaladin, the two of them secreted under the robe, darkened like a tent, yet somehow Adolin’s eyes still sparkled. Storms, that smile is everything, Kaladin thought. This is what Kaladin loved about Adolin - he was warm, and present, and vitally alive, and he wanted to soak that in for himself. He smiled back.

“You still want to do what we talked about?” Adolin asked, slowly rubbing himself against Kaladin’s body. Kaladin was getting hard, and his hips started responding. 

“Yeah. I’m ready, Adolin.” 

Once he’d started giving in to Adolin’s desires, he found it was hard to stop. The takama, the promise of a haircut, and then for Adolin to kiss his cock. The abuse he’d experienced now felt like a distant memory, and even though he was still a bit nervous about it, he realized that he was only nervous because he’d always been nervous. Shallan had helped him feel different enough about it that he thought there wouldn’t be any more trouble, and he’d told Adolin what to avoid to make sure he didn’t accidentally activate the memory. Kaladin put his arms behind his head and smiled as Adolin started planting kisses down his chest and stomach. This will be the easiest of the three gifts I’m giving him. In fact, this is probably the easiest gift I’ve ever given. All I have to do is lie here.

“Aw, don’t leave me out in the storm, guys!” Shallan complained from the wall. “I can’t see anything!”

As Adolin had moved down Kaladin’s body, the robe had ridden down with him, and now it was covering them from Kaladin’s waist down to Adolin’s back. Kaladin glanced at Shallan and their eyes met. Shallan grinned, and Kaladin, watching her drool with anticipation, slowly pulled the robe up, revealing Adolin’s head as he started kissing Kaladin’s cock. 

The moment Adolin’s lips enveloped Kaladin’s cock, he forgot all about the robe. Adolin felt hot, wet, and eager for him, and Kaladin’s eyes closed of their own accord. He let out a groan of pleasure and rolled his hips slowly. Adolin smiled around him and tempered his eagerness, switching to long, slow licks that made Kaladin’s toes curl. 

Once he was well lubricated, Adolin held him in hand while he explored other areas - he was able to fit both his balls in his mouth at once, and the heat of it was surprisingly pleasurable. Adolin started a slow rhythm with his hand wrapped lightly around Kaladin’s cock. Kaladin’s breath hitched and he opened his eyes, suddenly aware again that Shallan was watching him. She was grinning lasciviously. 

“Adolin, you’re doing very well. I can’t wait to see Stormface’s O-face.” 

Adolin mumbled something inaudible in response, but the hum in his voice vibrated through Kaladin’s balls, which shot up through his body and made him whimper. His eyes closed again and he was lost to Adolin’s attentive touch. Adolin put his mouth on Kaladin’s cock again to keep it wet and warm, then his hand returned, and his lips travelled down further. 

“Grab me a pillow, Kal,” Adolin instructed, and Kaladin passed one over. Adolin tucked it under Kaladin’s hips, then pushed Kaladin’s knees up to his chest. “Thanks, this is a better angle,” he said, and suddenly Adolin’s hot tongue touched his asshole. 

“Oh, Almighty, Adolin,” Kaladin breathed. “I’m not going to last much longer if you keep this up.”

“What, like this?” Adolin asked sweetly, then lazily circled Kaladin’s entrance with his tongue. The heat spread through him, relaxing him further, and Adolin increased the pace on his cock. Kaladin matched the rhythm with his hips, and Adolin licked him from his asshole up to the tip of his cock, shooting lightning up through his body. Adolin enveloped him again and slowed his pace, and Kaladin rocked his hips into his face, finding the back of his throat. Kaladin grunted at the sensation of finding it. 

“You want to use my face as a sheath?” Adolin pulled back and asked him, his hand keeping the rhythm. 

“Yes,” Kaladin breathed, lifting his head to see Adolin’s face flushed with desire.

“Usually the sword does the thrusting, but this time we’ll see,” Adolin said, and swallowed Kaladin deeply, the tip of his cock entering his throat in a tight, wet embrace. Kaladin’s head fell back to the bed and he moaned, thrusting his hips into his boyfriend’s throat. The soft wetness enveloping him made Kaladin throb, and he stretched his arms out above his head, his eyes closed, his back arched, allowing himself a vulnerability he hadn’t known was possible until this moment. His only thought was to the pleasure pooling low in his abdomen, the pleasure that Adolin was drawing out of him and into his wonderful mouth. Of course he’s good at this. He’s good with kissing the rest of my body. Why wouldn’t he be good at this too? 

Kaladin had been afraid that it would feel like Adolin was trying to take from him, but if anything it felt like Adolin was giving . Kaladin was panting now, his hips dipping down into the bed and then up into Adolin, and he allowed the pleasure building inside to erupt. His body shook with the intensity, and he touched Adolin’s shoulders and ran his hands through his soft hair until his body stilled. 

Kaladin opened his eyes to watch Adolin slowly pull his mouth off Kaladin’s softening cock. He was smiling. “Watch this,” he said thickly. He got up and walked over to the wall where Kaladin saw that Shallan’s eyes had glazed over a little, a lopsided smile on her blushing face. Adolin stepped tantalizingly close to her and stuck out his tongue. “See? He’s mine,” he said proudly to her, then swallowed. She struggled to close the distance, but her head was still stuck to the wall. Kaladin chuckled to himself. He never thought he would see the day when two people fought over his seed. 

“There’s enough for both of you,” he drawled. “Not today though, of course,” he said to Shallan with a grin. He stretched his arms and legs langorously. He enjoyed the coolness of the air on his body and, incredibly, the way Shallan’s eyes roved across him.  

She squinted at him from the wall. “Oh, I’ll get mine,” she threatened. “One way or another. You know, you two have given me lots of material for drawings later. Don’t forget I know what your face looks like when you orgasm, Kaladin.”

Kaladin grinned. He knew she was joking - they had already talked about not making drawings of Kaladin that he didn’t approve beforehand. It was funny, in his post-orgasmic haze, to feel this comfortable with both of them, to be actually having fun, to feel like he belonged here with them. It had only been a few weeks, but so much had changed inside him. He sighed with content.

In the meantime, Adolin had climbed back onto the bed, a hungry, feral look in his eyes. “You look like you need to relax,” he said darkly, and ducked his head down between Kaladin’s legs, licking his asshole greedily. 

“You’re the one that needs to relax!” Kaladin gasped at the sensation and jumped up, throwing Adolin down on his side, and trying to spread Adolin’s legs apart so he could lick his cock. Adolin resisted, trapping Kaladin’s head between his thighs. Even with both ears covered, Kaladin could hear Shallan’s laughter. 

Adolin used his hold on Kaladin’s head to reach between his legs again, touching a wet finger against his asshole. “I win, Bridgeboy,” he said confidently. Kaladin reached desperately, finding Adolin’s cock, and rubbed his hand against it. Adolin wasn’t daunted though. “Looks like I win twice,” he gloated, and Kaladin huffed from his trapped position, finally relenting.

“I don’t know why I try to win against the best duellist in Roshar,” he said, extricating his head from Adolin’s muscular thighs. “You know, you only won because you cheat.”

“It’s not cheating if you never agreed to a specific set of rules,” Adolin said coyly. 

“Oooo, he’s right,” Shallan called out. “I have to side with Adolin on this one. By the way, I’m the judge. Incredibly impartial. I have no stake in the outcome, as you’ve made very clear.”

“Submit, Bridgeboy,” Adolin said proudly, then grinned wickedly. “I want to claim my victory.”

Kaladin rolled his eyes and chuckled. The two of them ganging up on him was exactly the kind of thing he was worried about when he thought about the three of them together at once. It was half the reason why he wanted Shallan Lashed to a wall. Somehow, though, he had forgotten just how soft and playful they were with him, and their jokes had no sting or force to them. He threw himself onto his back on the bed, his arms out, and exposed his neck to him.

“I submit, Princeling. Claim your victory. I won’t resist.”

Adolin slid beside him and obliged his exposed neck, kissing him, and ground his cock against his side. “I’m going to spear you so hard you’re going to forget your name, Bridgeboy,” he growled, and the low rumble in his voice caused Kaladin’s cock to twitch again. My cock is responding after an orgasm? That’s never happened before. Adolin grabbed the pillow again and shoved it back under Kaladin’s hips. Adolin bit his ass cheeks, then resumed his licking. Storms, that feels good, he thought. His thoughts drifted aimlessly as pleasure rolled through his body from whatever part of him was currently being blessed by Adolin’s tongue.  

Soon Adolin was towering above him victoriously, passionspren floating around him. Their eyes met again, and Kaladin could tell Adolin loved him, wanted him to be happy. Kaladin's heart melted. Adolin leaned over to kiss him, and Kaladin’s legs spread for his body, welcoming him. Suddenly, sex wasn’t an experiment anymore - he was connecting to this man he loved deeply. Kaladin wrapped his arms around Adolin, holding him close to hide the tears in his eyes.

As they kissed, they rocked in tandem, and Adolin slid one finger into him, then two. Their bodies touching, finding a rhythm together, with deep wet kisses, the world melted away around him. Soon Adolin’s cock was pressed against his entrance, and Kaladin welcomed him in easily. The sensation of fullness filled his awareness, and he moaned. His cock was still twitching to hardness, and Adolin took him in his hand as he let Kaladin adjust to him. 

“Adolin, your hand is gliding perfectly over Kaladin’s cock. I think you’re getting better at Abrasion,” Shallan observed. 

“I hope you’re taking notes, Shallan, because I’m not,” Adolin retorted breathlessly. 

Kaladin was only vaguely aware of their banter. He was busy losing himself to Adolin’s cock inside him. Shallan suggested something, and Adolin lifted Kaladin’s legs up and rested the backs of his knees on his shoulders, his feet dangling against Adolin’s back. Adolin grabbed the front of Kaladin’s thigh with one hand and pulled him in. The backs of Kaladin’s legs smacked lightly against Adolin’s bare abs and chest as Adolin thrust easily and deeply into him without any resistance. They both gasped as Adolin completely filled him. Their eyes met, Adolin’s half-lidded, his jaw relaxed and his hair somehow still perfectly messy. He pulled out and pushed into him again slowly until he found the spot that made Kaladin gasp with pleasure. Slowly increasing his pace, he found it again and again, and then Kaladin lost his mind in an explosion of starspren as Adolin started thrusting harder into that perfect spot. Kaladin’s body became limp, and his head lolled back on the bed as Adolin took him. His hips smashed against Kaladin’s body in a celebration of victory even as he was still crushing him in the duel. Somehow Adolin managed to continue touching his cock with one hand. Kaladin was overwhelmed with sensations. 

They were both sweating now, gliding against each other’s bodies as though they both had the Surge of Abrasion. Kaladin’s eyes closed and his mouth hung open as Adolin thrust his spear into him, impaling him into oblivion. 

Adolin leaned over and thrust harder, groaning and panting. “Kaladin,” He called as he thrust, running his hands along his thighs, grasping his hips, returning to his cock. “Kaladin, oh, Kaladin…”

Who’s Kaladin? Kaladin thought with his last dim awareness. Sounds like a lighteyes name.

“Ado...ay...Ado…” was all Kaladin could manage in response. Tears streamed down his face. He was a cock in a hand, a body being filled, and nothing else existed. An eternity or a moment passed in pure rapturous delight, until their bodies couldn’t possibly contain it anymore, and they came together.   



**************************************

 

Adolin

 

Later, after they had cleaned up and peeled Shallan off the wall, the three of them lay cuddling on the bed, Shallan in the middle facing Adolin. Kaladin, it seemed, had fallen asleep with his face tucked in against the nape of Shallan’s neck. His head was hidden, lost in a mess of black and red hair, but his arm drooped limply over Shallan’s waist, and he was snoring gently. 

Adolin felt thoughtful as he traced gentle touches across Shallan’s face. “How was that for you?” he asked his wife. “It sounded like you were having a good time, but I was pretty preoccupied.”

“It was a lesson I won’t soon forget,” Shallan replied. “It’ll make me think twice before hiding my feelings in the future.” Her voice dropped low, and her eyes smouldered. “That really was hot to watch though. After Kaladin leaves I’m going to need your help to cool down again. Surely my punishment can’t last forever,” she whispered. Adolin smiled and nodded, and she grasped his hand, smiling back. No matter what challenges were coming for them next, the biggest adventure was the act of sharing his life with her. As they got closer and trusted each other more, being there for each other more, his life got better and better. Either I’m the luckiest man on Roshar, or Mother’s daily glyphwards are actually doing something . He had truly been blessed. 

Shallan gazed at him lovingly. “I like the nickname Ado,” Shallan said softly. “I think it’s sweet.”

“It’s nicer than Shartbearer, that’s for sure,” Adolin laughed. He thought for a moment. “Although Princeling has its merits.” That had been his first experience of absolute disregard for his title, yet it had become sweet to his ears with time. 

“Do you think he’ll remember he called you Ado?”

“No idea,” he looked down at Kaladin’s relaxed arm, “but I won’t forget.” Kaladin sighed in his sleep, squeezing Shallan closer to him, and resumed his snoring. 

Adolin met Shallan’s smiling eyes. “How did you know to suggest that position?” he asked softly. “It was incredible.”

“I’ve been doing a bit of research,” she whispered back. “The Ancient Radiants kept vast storehouses of information, and I managed to find a scholar who had been tasked with finding some of the, let’s say more sensitive topics. She pointed me to a book or two that contained a treasure of knowledge on the subject. It’s given me some ideas of what to ask for, for my gift.”

She breathed in Stormlight, and when she breathed out, an object appeared in her hand, bigger than a finger, and tapered in shape. She passed it to Adolin, and he inspected it with curious interest. It was smooth to the touch. “This is called a dildo,” she said. “It’s supposed to be better than fingers. I can’t believe I never thought of the idea myself. It seems so obvious now.”

Adolin smiled deviously as he held it, glancing at Kaladin’s sleeping form. “Oh, we’re going to have fun with this,” he smiled.

Notes:

Kaladin finally relaxes!!!

Chapter 41: Father Son Talk

Summary:

Dalinar speaks to Kaladin, then Adolin, to make his final decision about the mission.

Notes:

I have caught up to my reserve chapters, so the last few will take longer to come out. I'm aiming for one chapter a week and we'll see how it goes! There's only a couple chapters left, including the three way we've all been waiting for :)

 

No big CWs this chapter, just big feelings

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Five days until the mission

 

Dalinar

 

Seated in a comfortable chair in his meeting room, pages put aside, Dalinar waved Kaladin in. The late afternoon sunlight shone in beams, casting Dalinar in a long shadow across the floor. Kaladin walked in proudly, yet he had lost some of the sharper movements that came with constant military discipline. In fact, he almost looked relaxed. As he sat down opposite Dalinar, Dalinar could see he no longer had bags under his eyes, and his eyebrows were knit in a softer expression. "You're looking well, Kaladin," Dalinar remarked as Kaladin took a seat. "Are you recovered from your issue the other day?"

Kaladin’s mouth tightened to a line. "Yes, sir," he replied. 

Dalinar observed Kaladin carefully. The young man was no longer the person he'd been when he’d been a soldier under Dalinar. When they had first met, Stormblessed had been hot-headed, almost suicidally confrontational. Eventually Dalinar had won him over, and Kaladin had fought for him with a dedication and ferocity unmatched in his generation. At the dinner though, Kaladin had looked withdrawn and even frightened, and that moment in the Ardent’s cells...his angry expression, that protective hold around Adolin, had reminded him uncomfortably of Evi. Kaladin had never looked at him like that before. It bothered Dalinar to think that the war had damaged this brave young man so much that his emotions may have gotten out of control. This recent behaviour left Dalinar worried. 

"Kaladin, I called you in to have a frank conversation. I hope you still feel you can trust me. You've always been honest with me," Dalinar started. “I invite you to please speak freely.”

"Yes, sir," Kaladin replied. He was sitting up straight, and his eyes were clear and focused on Dalinar. Good .

"I want to make sure that your relationship with, ah, with Adolin and Shallan is what you really want," Dalinar said carefully. "Adolin doesn’t have a strong history with courting, and this is an unusual circumstance. I don’t want you to get hurt. Adolin can sometimes go through life assuming he will get everything he wants.”

Kaladin shifted in his seat, but met Dalinar’s eyes. “If we’re being honest here, sir, so do you.” 

Dalinar coughed to cover the sting of the remark. There’s the blunt man I knew. I did ask him to speak freely. “Well, I suppose that is the case. Or has been. It’s something I’m working on changing. I just want to make sure you are well cared for.”

“I understand, sir.”

Dalinar tapped his thighs absently. This would be difficult to say, but necessary. “Relationships are tough, and courting doesn’t always work out, so please be careful about not getting Shallan pregnant. We don’t need any more scandals in this family.” 

Kaladin closed his eyes and sighed, then opened them again and nodded. “You have my word, sir.”

Dalinar paused. “This is not just about the family. This is about your protection. Do you understand that if your relationship...developed further, you would not have legal rights to inheritance or formal recognition of your relationship? You wouldn’t be the legal father of any children you had with Shallan. Kaladin,” he added, “don’t you deserve a relationship among equals?” This was the heart of his concern. 

Kaladin shifted uneasily. “Where I stand socially doesn’t matter, sir,” he said finally. He sat up straight again. “I’ve never been equal to lighteyes, and I didn’t expect that to change.” Nevertheless, an accusation flared in his eyes. After all the young man had been through, Dalinar supposed he understood, but the implication still hurt. 

Feeling irritated, he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “Son, we did our best to ensure you didn’t feel that way when you first became Radiant, but you didn’t follow through with your responsibility. I learned you delegated all of the administration of your lands and did not stay apprised of the situation there.”

Kaladin’s face fell. “I...I meant to…” He flushed. Dalinar hadn’t thought that Stormblessed would learn everything about land administration immediately, but it had been over a year.

“Well, you should know that land was lost to the Fused,” Dalinar said, “so it doesn’t matter anyway, but I have to tell you this. We, or rather, I, did not anticipate the sheer number of people who would become Radiant, and we could not parcel out so much land to everyone. There has been talk that the Windrunners were unfairly favoured due to so many of them becoming Landed early on, and we are pivoting to providing land to those Radiants with high military rank instead. That way we can justify maintaining the title for most of the Windrunners who already have it.”

Kaladin’s eyes lost focus. He never cared much for politicking .

“Look, son, I won’t read you the whole book,” he said with a dismissive gesture, “I’ll tell you the spanreed instead. Your former land will revert back to the Crown in name. I wanted to tell you myself.” Kaladin had crossed his arms and leaned back, giving him a flat stare. He looked almost back to normal, the man he’d first met. Perhaps he was relieved to no longer have that responsibility.   

“But,” Dalinar added, “should this relationship end up working for you, and you’re happy with it, I thought of some ideas that we could implement if you were interested. It wouldn’t be like a regular marriage, but it would provide a loophole to some of the challenges of inheritance, land ownership, and parentage.” 

Kaladin tilted his head. “Sir?”

“Should Adolin be blessed with a successful courtship twice in a row...I mean, if you ever wish to formalize your relationship with Adolin and Shallan, Navani and I could sign paperwork to formally adopt you into the Kholin house, at which point you could take the Kholin name, and you would have inheritance and land rights. It doesn’t solve every issue, but it would protect you better.” He smiled awkwardly, hoping Kaladin understood. 

Kaladin blinked, his arms relaxing out of their crossed format. “You’d do that for me?” he asked. 

“Of course, son,” Dalinar answered immediately. “You’ve saved my life on a number of occasions. The least I can do is try to make your life better if I can.” He nodded, and Kaladin nodded back, then stood. 

Dalinar stood, too, and put a hand on his shoulder. “You know I am concerned for your welfare. I want to ensure you are as protected as possible. These are trying times.”

Kaladin grunted in affirmation. His hand began to move, as if for a salute, then seemed to catch himself. He nodded instead, and turned to leave. 

Dalinar coughed and shuffled his feet. Why does this feel so awkward to ask about? he thought. “Ah, Kaladin? One more thing.”

Kaladin turned from a few paces away and settled into parade rest. “Yes, sir?” he asked. 

“I have heard that Adolin’s Radiant powers may not be working properly. Do you know anything about this?” 

Kaladin’s face flushed, but he didn’t break eye contact. He squared his shoulders and raised his chin. “Ask him yourself, sir.” He turned and left. 

Dalinar stared at the empty doorway in shock. He refused me. As he sat down again, he realized he’d forgotten to ask about Kaladin’s readiness for the mission. This strange relationship must really be getting to me, he thought. What’s wrong with me today?

Before he’d had time to recover, Adolin arrived. Dalinar’s eyes automatically scanned his clothing for irregularities, even though he had clearly lost that battle a long time ago. Sure enough, he was flaunting the Codes with embroidery on his cuffs and the addition of a scarf, and when their eyes met, Adolin’s issued a challenge. His relationship with his son seemed to only get more strained as time went on. How did this happen? He looked up to me when I didn’t want him to, and now that I’m making myself worthy it’s too late. I’ve lost him. His heart wrenched.

Adolin’s approach was decidedly more aggressive than Kaladin’s. “What were you talking to him about?” he asked, anger magnifying his voice as he gestured backwards. “I’m the one you should be talking to.”

“It was just some family matters, Adolin. Nothing to worry yourself about.” 

Dalinar could see Adolin’s jaw tighten. He crossed his arms. “Shouldn’t I be apprised then, considering I’m the head of this family, as appointed by you?”

“Well, ah, yes, I suppose,” Dalinar sighed. This is already starting poorly. I wish people would just let me do what needed to be done, without having to go through others all the time. Things would be so much more peaceful. “I was simply discussing legal options should Stormblessed wish to join this family.”

Adolin stared, then laughed. “Father, sometimes I can’t tell whether I want to slap you on the back, or across the face.” He chuckled, shaking his head, and sat down. “Don’t you think it might be a little early to talk about that? It’s only been a few weeks.”

Dalinar started. “I just wanted to ensure he was cared for.”

Adolin’s smile faded quickly. “Cared for by you, ” he said flatly. “And under your control.”

Dalinar raised an eyebrow. “I think you’ll find there is plenty outside my control. Speaking of which, I heard you have spoken to Jasnah already, and for her part she has approved Shallan’s addition of Kaladin to the team going to the Perpendicularity. I certainly couldn’t deny her, so it seems you win that battle.” He looked hard at his son. “I suppose that leaves only one last thing for us to discuss today.”

“And what’s that?” Adolin asked. 

“I have heard that you lack Radiant skills,” Dalinar said accusingly. “However, I visited Szeth and found him to be a very different man than when I had last visited him, and he spoke very highly of your acquaintance over the last few days.” Szeth had been attentive, thoughtful, and thought-provoking. He had also asked some very uncomfortable questions. 

Adolin attempted to lean casually on the arm of the chair. “Yes?” he asked. I’ve struck something. The boy is incapable of hiding his feelings.

“Jasnah suggested that you possess skills hitherto unknown among Radiants due to your unique Connection to your spren. Is this true?” Dalinar leaned in, his heart constricting. He needed to know.

“Yes, this is true,” Adolin conceded. “Shallan and I will write a full report upon our return from the mission.”

They looked at each other for a moment, each silently willing the other to speak.

“It seems Maya and I are a little bit to the left of Edgedancer,” Adolin finally said. “I can heal myself, like any Radiant. And...I can do mental healing.”

“What about Abrasion?” Dalinar asked. 

Adolin blushed. Odd. “I’m still working on that, sir, but it’s not very useful right now. It’ll be in the report.”

“Keep practicing, son. I’m sure you’ll get better at it.” Strangely, Adolin looked away and tightened his face, refusing to meet his eyes. That was curious, but Dalinar was more interested in Adolin’s healing powers. “Tell me more about your Progression abilities, son,” he said. “What does mental healing mean?”

Adolin looked relieved. “Well, Father, I’ve talked about it with Kaladin, and it seems like battle shock can happen in many more ways than we thought. I mean, people get battle shock outside of battles. They can get it from slavery, for example, or from being terrified as children. That’s what seemed to have happened with Szeth,” he added quickly. 

“You have been healing Kaladin?” Dalinar asked. 

“Yes,” Adolin replied. “He’s been doing much better.” 

But how? Dalinar was confused. Kaladin looked better, but he didn’t seem to be acting better. In fact, he had been more emotional and more defiant than ever. Unfortunately, he had a feeling Adolin wouldn’t tell him. He took a deep breath and moved on. “Adolin, son,” he started, “I could use your help.”

Adolin stared openly. 

Dalinar coughed. “My own powers as a Bondsmith are not coming to me as easily or naturally as I would like, let alone as quickly as Roshar needs from me,” he said bluntly. “I wonder if it has to do with my history, so I’m asking if you can heal me. I need to do everything I can to save Roshar.”

Adolin continued staring. “No,” he said finally.

“No?!” Dalinar stuttered, his voice rising. “How could you say that, when the fate of Roshar is at stake? Surely your selfish need to get back at me for what happened to your mother -”

“Oh, selfish, yeah, sure,” Adolin interrupted sarcastically. He crossed his arms again. “Let me tell you exactly why I won’t. Maybe it is selfish, but I don’t care. I plan to use my powers on the people who were harmed by you. Get it? You harmed thousands and thousands of people, beyond the ones who were killed outright. Ordinary families torn apart, ancient houses crushed, people enslaved due to poverty, and refugees - this all happened because you and Uncle Gavilar chose to “unite” Alethkar. Sure, I’ll heal you - I’ll heal you right after I finish healing all the people - our people - whose lives you destroyed in war and conquest. They deserve it first.”

Dalinar was astonished. Adolin was worse than ever, if anything. How dare he speak against the dream of uniting Alethkar? Dalinar had made some grievous errors along the way, but war and conquest was the way of the Alethi. Was he abandoning his own culture? This was what he’d feared from making Jasnah Queen - setting up conflicts between sons and fathers, tearing families apart. They should be uniting against Odium, not quarreling amongst themselves.

Adolin continued. “Consider this, Father. Maybe the reason your powers as a Bondsmith aren’t coming to you naturally is because you always insist that uniting happens on your timeline, to your specifications. There is no compromise, no joining of minds or hearts. Only conquest. Father, conquest didn’t unite Alethkar - it was the beginning of the end of Alethkar and you still can’t see it. Odium won our homeland because of your desire to unite by domination, and you’re still trying to unite by domination - bonding the Stormfather, trying to make me into your perfect image of a son, making yourself Highking, I could go on. You haven’t stopped. You haven’t changed. Not enough to truly, actually bring people together in a way that doesn’t harm them.”

Adolin stood and started walking out. “Wait!” Dalinar called. Adolin stopped, his face turned away.

Dalinar didn’t know what to say. He just didn’t want to leave it like this. “You are a strange man, Adolin, and every day you grow into someone I understand less and less,” he said slowly. “I don’t understand your choices, but...I respect them. I can’t do what you are doing. I know I’m not good with giving up power, but I know that naming you Highprince wasn’t enough. I should respect your authority as well.” Adolin’s shoulders dropped slightly, but he didn’t turn.

Dalinar sighed. “It seems that you will be an excellent choice to send to the Perpendicularity, particularly if you come across a Fused or even a Herald. If you are able to mentally heal one of them, it may teach us a lot, and put us in a better position in the war. And, if you cannot heal with your powers, then I suppose it will be good to send Kaladin along as a surgeon, especially if you end up in Shadesmar. I will never forget it was Kaladin who kept you alive long enough to get back to Thaylen City.” Adolin turned and faced Dalinar. His face was still tense, but he nodded. 

“If we send Kaladin with Shallan’s team, with you, who will go to Shinovar with Szeth?” Dalinar asked.

Adolin spoke immediately. “I am recommending Godeke. He has experience with diplomacy, he went on the mission with us to Lasting Integrity, and he was in contact with Navani during my trial. And,” he had a quizzical expression on his face, “I think he would be good for Szeth. The man used to be an Ardent, you know. He has his own mental healing skills.”

Dalinar nodded. “Thank you, son,” he said softly. “That sounds like a good choice.”

Dalinar paused, taking in his son’s tousled, mostly-blond hair and his handsome face, so different from his own. He seemed to have inherited his mother’s care for others, which Dalinar had sorely lacked for so many years. His son was a better man than him in ways he could sense but couldn’t put into words. “You’re my son, Adolin, somehow,” he said, feeling incredulous. “You’re not the Blackthorn’s son, for which I am grateful. You didn’t turn out the way you did because of me...perhaps you are more Evi’s son than mine, and perhaps that is a good thing. I never understood her, either.”

At the mention of his mother, Adolin’s body stiffened, and his hand extended and clenched in that nervous habit of his. I almost had him, and then I lost him again. Dalinar sighed, slumping slightly in shame. Navani is right, I am a chull. I barge into situations I don’t belong, and trample everything in my path . He wished he had her to guide him through this conversation with a couple of stiff whacks on the shell. He rubbed his temples as Adolin strode towards him until his face was inches from Dalinar’s. 

“You don’t get to talk about her to me,” Adolin said coldly, then stepped back. “And one more thing. When I ran into Kaladin outside, he told me about your little plans. He seemed to think that you, King of Urithiru, thought you were in charge of distributing lands on the Crown’s behalf, but guess what? You’re not. You’re not the ruler of Alethkar - Jasnah is. You’re not the Highprince - I am . We decide how lands are distributed, and we will keep you apprised of the outcome. And guess what else? Jasnah can change the law around inheritance and parentage too, so don’t worry about controlling Kaladin. We’ll take care of him, better than you can. You run Urithiru and mind your own storming business.”

He bowed without breaking eye contact with Dalinar, then turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. 

Dalinar sighed. I’m losing control. He felt like he was spiralling. Don’t they understand that everything I do is for their safety, for their own good? Every sliver of power that slipped through his fingers felt like a loss. Every compromise he made felt like a shameful failure. And yet...perhaps Adolin is right . He rested his head in his hands, feeling defeated.

IN MY EXPERIENCE, CHILDREN ARE WILFUL AND UNGRATEFUL. THEY CAUSE AS MUCH PAIN AS PRIDE. YOU WILL NEED TO WORK HARDER TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL.

“So you heard that, did you?” Dalinar said ruefully. The Stormfather wasn’t exactly the best model of fatherhood either, from what he’d heard from Sylphrena. Dalinar rubbed his head, perturbed by his thoughts. “Perhaps...perhaps we are both too caught up in our old ways.”

THE OLD WAYS ARE BEST. THEY MAY BE HARSH BUT THEY ARE EFFECTIVE.

Are they effective, though? Adolin is right, after all. Trying to take control of Alethkar ended up with us playing into Odium’s hands. Elhokar suffocated under my wing. Trying to bring Adolin to heel ended up with him like this ,” he said, gesturing towards the doorway. He imagined the family together again - what was he willing to give up in order to have everyone there? At least Adolin talked to him - he hadn’t seen his other son in weeks. I won’t feel complete until my family is complete. “I had to accept my pain to overcome the Thrill. Perhaps...perhaps I have to accept this pain too, in order to unite my family.” 

The Stormfather was silent.

The first pain he would have to accept is that he would probably never know why Adolin had been crying.

Notes:

Man, canon Dalinar just does not understand why there is no such thing as a benevolent dictator. I wanted to see him grow a little bit because I missed seeing him grow in RoW. Something like a new relationship is exactly the sort of thing that flushes out these power dynamics in families and it was interesting to see how they all might interact and feel about it.

ADOLIN WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU JERK!

Chapter 42: A Walk in the Park

Summary:

Adolin gets his wish - a day out with family.

Notes:

No big CWs, just canon typical stuff.

Note: Mashala means aunt, but there’s no canon word for uncle, so it’s Bagada.
Updated 28 Sep 2021 to give Rlain some rhythms to speak because it's fun.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Four days until the mission

 

Adolin

 

It was an overcast day, which didn’t happen too often at Urithiru, but it suited Adolin just fine. The clouds only served to diffuse the light, not obscure it, and the cooler air was an excuse to wear a heavier uniform jacket that he wouldn’t mind scuffing up in play. His only concern was Kaladin, who tended to suffer more when the clouds closed a roof over the open sky.  

Today was Adolin’s special family day, and their meeting place was Roshar’s Gardens, a large area on one of Urithiru’s balcony platforms, designed for residents and tourists alike to enjoy the various flora of Roshar in one place. Shallan and Rlain had both provided their expertise in choosing and growing the plants, so they had gotten special permission to see it before its unveiling. It seemed like the perfect place for all of them to gather.

Adolin looked around. A few months ago this had been a bare, open expanse off the edge of the Tower, the view of the mountains being the only impressive thing about it. Now, it was covered in green - plants, mosses, boulders, and flowers were everywhere, and there were open green spaces as well as clusters of plants growing together. It struck an interesting balance between chaos and order, and it smelled fresh and lovely. Adolin took a deep breath and sighed contentedly. 

“This is beautiful, Shallan,” he said with pride.

She smiled back. “It was an honour that they used my drawings to help design the place. Plus, it’s been fun bringing the other Lightweavers here. I got to teach them about the plants, and we all got to record its development for historical purposes.” 

Shallan was wearing one of Radiant's Veden vakamas with a safehand glove, and her hair was tied back in a braid. She looked prepared for anything, perfect for spending time with kids. Adolin hadn’t had much of a chance to interact with Oroden yet, so Shallan had been telling him all about him.

“He loves playing his spoons on the ground. You should hear Lirin and Hesina argue about how old he should be before he’s not allowed to make music anymore, and not to mention what counts as music...oh, there they are! Hi Oroden!” she yelled and waved, jumping a bit. 

Sure enough, there were Kaladin and Oroden in the distance, sitting on a boulder. Oroden jumped off and started running towards them, a bundle of enthusiasm. 

“Mashallan!” Oroden yelled, and jumped into her arms. Adolin smiled broadly and ruffled his hair. 

“Aylin!” Oroden said. 

“You can call me Bagada Aylin,” Adolin said, hoping Oroden would see him as an uncle just as much as he saw Shallan as an aunt. Babysitting Oroden was something Shallan did, but he wanted to be part of it, too. Adolin could see Kaladin leaning back against the boulder still, waiting for them to come to him. His arms were crossed, and there was a gentle scowl on his face. As they got closer, Adolin could see he looked tired, but a smile was playing at the corner of his mouth as he watched Oroden with Shallan. Kaladin was wearing his usual surgeon’s uniform minus the apron. Won’t he need a jacket? It’s not that warm out, Adolin worried. 

As they met, Adolin touched Kaladin’s shoulder in greeting, and he felt warm enough. He heard Gavinor calling for him, and he turned to look. The young boy was walking between Renarin and Rlain, wearing a little Kholin uniform. They must have gotten here even earlier than Kaladin, he thought. Gavinor had grown quite a bit since arriving at Urithiru, both physically and mentally. He was six now, and although he was still unusually quiet, especially around new people, he was starting to come out of his shell more. Jasnah was right - it would be good for him to have other children around. When Oroden ran from Shallan to demand a lift into Bagada Rlain’s arms, Gavinor flinched and drew back against Renarin. He tried to imagine what it would be like for his own child to join them, and he smiled. I'd like that, I think.

“Didn’t Mother give you a time fabrial?” Renarin teased as he patted Gavinor. 

“It didn’t match my uniform,” Adolin said with an air of mild disgust. “Some of us care about looking good.” He ruffled Renarin’s hair, then knelt down and touched Gavinor’s shoulder. “You ready to meet my friends?” he asked. 

“Yes, sir,” Gavinor said, and gave a salute. He’s really taken on the role of a good little soldier, Adolin thought. The uniform seemed to help him feel braver.

He stood and introduced Gavinor to Oroden, then Kaladin. Gavinor looked at Kaladin for a long moment, and Kaladin looked back seriously, almost challengingly, until Rlain broke the silence. 

“Oroden, my mate is here, his name Renarin is,” he said with a smile. Oroden and Renarin shook hands, much to Shallan's delight. The attention was off Kaladin and Gavinor, and the group started to mingle. 

Shallan squatted down and grabbed each boy by the hand. 

“Do you wanna see the man-eating vine?” she asked excitedly. 

“YEAH!!” both of them yelled, and the three of them were off running before anyone could say anything. 



***



Kaladin

 

Kaladin eyed Adolin, who was watching Shallan and the children go with a distant smile on his face. Maybe this will give him and Renarin a chance to catch up, he thought. As they slowly walked towards the area where Shallan and the children were running, Kaladin and Rlain stepped aside at the same time. It seemed Rlain had the same idea. 

Kaladin patted him on the back. “You’ve done an excellent job with the gardens, Rlain. This is going to be great for everyone. I don’t think I’ve seen this many plants in one place,” he said. He hoped he sounded as enthusiastic as Rlain deserved, but he was having a hard time mustering up any energy today. He couldn’t say he was feeling up for this kind of outing today, but it meant so much to Adolin that he had forced himself to go. He’d actually needed Syl’s help to get up, which hadn’t happened in a while. He forced himself to smile.

Rlain hummed excitedly. “Kaladin, I'm pleased with just how good it's turning out! The Ardents in the rockbud fields are learning quick and well. They're attracting lifespren with the songs I taught them, and--it's going to be sustainable without a single gem!” He looked at Kaladin with his intense black eyes, and hummed a softer tune. “I see your smile more and more, my friend,” he said to a slower beat. 

Kaladin huffed a sarcastic laugh. 

"Well, maybe not today, but overall," Rlain added. 

Kaladin looked at his feet as he walked. “Yeah, I guess I am,” he answered slowly. “As much as it’s possible, anyway.” It didn’t feel very possible today, but he was starting to trust that the warmth would return. 

Rlain nodded, and hummed a more lilting note. "You know, Lirin complains that he sees me for dinner more often than you! I tell him it's lies and he scowls with joy. He's glad there are others that love you as well."

Kaladin grunted. “Yeah, that sounds about as happy as he gets.” He looked back at Rlain. “I’m grateful you’re going to be around to keep an eye on them while I’m away.” He frowned. “I hope his complaints don't bother you. They're happy to have you around, too."

Rlain shook his head. "Lirin. Your father's heart beats to Anxiety so I am never surprised when his words are attuned to it. Caring is tough, with his carapace skin. He asked dozens of questions about my new change into Mateform, and that's how he cares," he said, humming with amusement.

“Oh, Kelek’s breath, of course he did.” Kaladin pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. 



***



Adolin

 

Adolin was grateful for Kaladin and Rlain stepping away to give him a chance to talk to his brother. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seen Renarin recently, it was just that with the talk with Father yesterday and the fact that this was probably their last time to spend time together before he left, Adolin was feeling a little...clingy. 

It seemed Renarin felt that way, too. He had taken Adolin’s hand, gazing at it intently and patting it. “Are you trying to heal me?” Adolin asked incredulously. “You know I can heal myself now, right?”

Renarin looked at his hand seriously. “If your Edgedancer powers aren’t the same as the others, it doesn’t hurt to double check to make sure you’re healed all the way before you leave.” 

Adolin snorted, but appreciated the attention. “Now are you convinced?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” Renarin said. He let go of Adolin’s hand. “How did it go with Father yesterday?”

Adolin grunted. “As usual I don’t know whether to feel sorry, proud, or furious. Probably all three. I think he wanted Kaladin to feel more comfortable with the family and ended up trying to take away his land and his legal connection to his own family. The man doesn’t know how to keep his heel off the people he loves.” He strode with his hands behind his back. “As much as Jasnah scares me sometimes, she does a really good job of keeping him from taking over. In that sense she’s a much better queen than I would ever be.” 

Renarin raised an eyebrow and chuckled. “You’re starting to find your stride as Highprince. This is.” 

Adolin looked at him seriously. “I’m going to need your help with that, brother. I think I could use a more...scholarly approach. I need to learn more about justice. Maybe when I return you can help me with that.”

Renarin nodded. “I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished already, Adolin. Of course I’d be glad to help.”

Adolin smiled.



***



Shallan

 

She was out of her depth within minutes. Shallan was used to Oroden’s level of chaos, but Gavinor was in a new situation without his nursemaid, and he was starting to let loose. He was much bigger than Oroden, too, so she couldn’t just pick him up and put him somewhere else. 

“Gavinor, get away from the man-eating vine!” she called, as Oroden attempted to climb her. Those vines are growing right out of the cage! If he gets eaten...

Gavinor obeyed her, running off in a new direction. “Gavinor, stop running where I can’t see you!” she yelled, panicking as she held Oroden’s hand. 

“I'm gonna kill the bad king!” Gavinor yelled from a distance, and she took off running after him. 



***



Adolin

 

“So Renarin, you still haven’t told me about how it went with Rlain, you know...changing forms.” Adolin had been curious for weeks.

Renarin looked down, fiddling with his cube. “I don’t think I can tell you that, Adolin. It’s private.” 

“Oh, come on!” Adolin wheedled. “What’s it like for your mate’s body to change? Does he act different with you now than when he was in other forms? Did he get all horny for you?” He elbowed him. “At least tell me if you liked it or not.”

Renarin’s ears flushed. 

“You did like it! Well that’s good enough,” Adolin laughed, clapping him on the back. “I know people are saying it's strange that you two are together, but they said the same about me and that weird Veden woman ." He made a sarcastic warding gesture.

The corner of Renarin’s mouth twitched towards a smile. “I like that we’re mates with traditional enemies of the Alethi. Just another way we can show Father what we think of his wars.” 

Adolin chuckled. “Except Kaladin, of course,” he said. “He’s Alethi.”

Renarin raised an eyebrow. “Traditionally, lighteyes don’t court darkeyes, Adolin. He may not be a traditional enemy, but courting a darkeyes is not proper, no matter what Jasnah has decreed. Do you need a history lesson on top of your philosophy?” 

“Heralds, no!” Adolin stuck out his tongue. “I just...I don’t think of him that way.”

Renarin hummed a few notes, looking thoughtfully at Rlain, a small smile growing on his face. “Something I learned from Rlain is that it won’t help him to forget his history or his heritage. It doesn’t belong to you, but you shouldn’t forget it either. It’s a part of him, so you need to love it like you love him.” Adolin’s heart warmed as he saw the way Renarin looked at Rlain. Renarin is going to be okay . He loves someone who is willing to change forms for him. He'll take care of him well. He’s Bridge Four, after all.

Rlain seemed to sense Renarin’s eyes on him, and he turned and jogged over, Kaladin following. “Did you get to say what you wanted to say?” Rlain asked in a friendly tone. 

"Yeah, I think so," Adolin said. "But trying to get information out of my brother is like trying to squeeze water out of a stone."

"You just have to know where to squeeze," Rlain said in a lilting tone, and tickled Renarin behind his ear.

"Ahhaha, stop it!" Renarin giggled, and Rlain turned his tickle into a quick rub, then let go, still humming that lilting song. Kaladin looked away awkwardly.

Rlain turned to Adolin and patted him on the back. He spoke with a different, slower rhythm. "I went to see Hope Quarter for myself. I saw the bustling streets and heard the laughter. Hope is growing," he said. "I saw the Singers, and I heard their songs. Thank you for remembering former Singer slaves."

Adolin had been thinking of naming the former slaves’ quarter after Vedel, but the new name had emerged naturally from the people living there, and he’d remembered Godeke’s instruction. Do I have to be the person to name it? No. So he’d given his official blessing for the name Hope Quarter. “You don’t have to thank me, Rlain, it was always meant to be former slaves, and Singers used to be slaves, and, well, that’s it,” he said, scratching the back of his head. 

“I’m glad you see it clearly, like I do,” Rlain said, then hummed thoughtfully to a faster rhythm. “Adolin, Teft taught me this, I pass it on to you. Strength won't make you capable of rule, you're far too tall. Strength will make you capable to bend yourself to serve. Other of the Highprinces should stop and take a look. Teft would be quite happy that you use your strength to serve."

Kaladin nodded too. “Yeah, he would.” 

“This is,” Renarin said softly.

Adolin tried to take in those words, to let them fill the hole in his chest where he felt like a failure. They're right, it’s working for many people, and it's helping. Maybe I couldn't help everyone, but I can still make a difference. Maya rustled in agreement. 

Renarin turned to Kaladin. "How did you fare yesterday with Father?"

Kaladin frowned. "He didn't even ask me about the mission. He insulted my honour, made a generous offer, and said a lot of confusing stuff about the law.” He looked at Adolin. "Is this what he means by 'treat you like a son'?" 

Adolin laughed. "Ah yes, the classic combination of enraged, touched, and confused. Renarin and I have felt that many times." 

Renarin nodded. "With the Blackthorn, you don't want to be far enough away to be his enemy, but you don't want to be too close, either. The closer you get, the stranger he is," he said. 

Kaladin shook his head. "Lirin gives harsh criticisms and has terrible opinions at times, but at least he doesn’t play me like a game piece. Or," he considered, "Dalinar always played his war games, using me as an officer, but that felt right. Now he's doing the same thing but with me as family. That's what feels wrong about it." 

Adolin smiled and poked him. "So you admit it, war is a game."

Kaladin rolled his eyes and took Adolin's arm. "You've shone your light on it, Adolin,” he admitted. “I've seen the seamy underside of war planning, and I'll concede to you that at that level there are certain similarities to duelling."

Adolin grinned and squeezed his arm. The group walked together in silence for a moment, then Rlain pointed and hummed in amusement. Gavinor was running towards them at full tilt, and Shallan was chasing him, far behind with Oroden in tow. “I think there’s an assassin coming right at you, my mate!” Rlain said in his amused tone.

“He’s got a knife! How did he get a knife?!” Shallan yelled from a distance. 

“I gave it to him!” Renarin called back, then leaned over to Adolin. “See, he’s got a belt sheath for it,” he said, pointing. Gavinor jumped at Renarin, and Renarin knocked the knife out of his hand and wrestled him to the ground. “You’ll have to be faster than that if you’re gonna get me, assassin!” he announced, tickling him. 

Gavinor screamed with delight, wriggling to reach the knife. Adolin picked it up and inspected it. “Good quality, nice weight for a child’s knife,” he said. “Are you training him for something in particular?”

Renarin sighed. “At first he was pretty obsessed with getting revenge for his father’s death,” he said. “Now his interest has broadened into more general assassin play.” Adolin saw Kaladin’s mouth tense to a line. 

Gavinor is going to be the first person I heal when I return, Adolin thought. I have to return for him. This family has seen too much violence already. Maybe I can get him interested in duelling...



***



Shallan

 

As Gavinor was tackled by Renarin, Shallan stopped running and panted to catch her breath. Oroden lay down on the ground, and Shallan flopped beside him. 

“Lots of running, huh?” Shallan said between breaths.

“We wun the most!!” Oroden agreed.

“What did we win?” Kaladin appeared and lay down beside Shallan. 

“We wun the longest wun!” Oroden said. 

Shallan met Kaladin’s eyes, and saw a haunted look. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

“I’m fine,” he said unconvincingly.

“Is it...Gavinor?” she pushed.

Kaladin nodded, then looked up at the clouds. She watched his face carefully. He sometimes needed more time to put his thoughts together, and it seemed like today was one of those days. 

“It was...unnerving to see him rush at Renarin with a knife,” he said finally. “I mean, besides the obvious guard instinct, I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault he’s like that.”

“Kids play assassin all the time,” Shallan said. “I don’t think you have to take responsibility for that.” 

“That’s what Syl said,” Kaladin sighed. “I know, I know. But I still feel awful.”

“Come on, then,” Shallan said, getting up and putting out her hands to Kaladin. “Since there’s nothing we can do about it right now, there’s no sense staying here to feel awful. Let’s go see the Markel tree, and you can feel awful somewhere new and exciting.” She smiled, and Kaladin’s frown softened.

“Mawkel!” Oroden exclaimed. 

It didn’t take long to get there - a small grove of baby trees. Markel trees had thick trunks and large, shell-shaped leaves that closed tight during highstorms. The ones here weren’t quite impressive yet, of course - they had just been moved and planted a few months ago, so they were only 8 feet tall, not nearly at their peak. Kaladin was unamused, but Oroden looked up in wonder. 

“Look, Oroden, the leaves close when it gets wet,” she said. She leaned in and spat on one of the leaves, and it slowly snapped shut. 

“Up! Up!” Ororden begged, and Kaladin lifted him onto his shoulders. Oroden proceeded to spit at the tree, and half of it ended up on Kaladin’s face and neck.

“Thanks for that,” Kaladin said flatly. Shallan grimaced. That wasn’t how that was supposed to go . She reached for Oroden, and the toddler sprang forward, shoving Kaladin’s head down, then toppled onto Shallan, who fell backwards, pulling both of them on top of her with a thump. 

“Oh storms!” Shallan exclaimed. “Are you boys okay?” She looked up and saw Oroden floating above her. Kaladin pushed himself up onto one elbow so he could unhook his brother’s foot from his shirt, then took back the Lashing. 

“And thank you too, Oroden,” Kaladin said sarcastically. 

“Again!” Oroden said. He sat down beside them.

Kaladin started examining Shallan for injuries. “Are you okay, Shallan?” he asked. “I really landed on you, I’m so sorry.”

Shallan caught his worried eyes. “Looks like you’ve really fallen for me, Kaladin,” she grinned. 

“Oh. You’re fine then,” Kaladin sighed, sitting up. 

Shallan sat up too, and held his arm still. “Well don't look too disappointed. Did you want me to have a boo-boo to kiss better?" she joked. She looked deep in his eyes, willing him to join her. 

He did. He made a scoff of derision, and scooched closer to her. “Boo-boo kisses don’t work on lighteyes,” he said with a lecturing tone. “Only the most expensive creams and ointments will help you now.” He leaned in and  brushed her face with his finger. "Your face does look injured though, I can practically see your veins through your skin," he teased. Got him, Shallan thought, and smiled into his touch.

Kaladin looked around to make sure no one else could see, then kissed her, a quick peck on the cheek that felt like a victory. “You know, the more time I spend with you, the more lax I get,” he said with a small frown. “You’re intoxicating. No wonder I can only drink orange around you.” Shallan beamed.  

"Oh! Boo-boo! Kiss bettew!" Oroden said, squeezing himself in between them, and kissing Shallan on the same spot. She giggled.

"Look at you, setting a bad example for the children," she teased.  

“I guess you have bad taste in men,” Kaladin retorted. She slapped him lightly on the chest with her safehand. 

“You know, where I come from, a man treats a lady with dignity,” she said, smiling. “You’re making the Alethi look like a bunch of savages. I mean, look at you, your hair is a mess, you’re wearing brown, for Ash’s sake, and...and…” she pretended to look him over for flaws, pawing at his body. “Hold on, I’ll find something around here to insult.” 

Kaladin rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe for a second that you ran out of insults,” he said. “Are you trying to compliment me?”

She knew that complimenting him directly made him uncomfortable. She raised her eyebrows. “Depends. Is it working?” she asked. 

He gazed into her eyes, and she knew she had him. Ever so slowly, like the leaf of a Markel tree reopening, he gave her a crooked smile. “Yeah, it’s working,” he admitted.

Oroden pulled at Kaladin’s arm. “I wanna fwy! Fwow me to Gagada Wain!” 

“I think we can arrange that,” Kaladin said, and stood, brushing the dust off his pants. He held a hand to Shallan, and she did the same. 

It didn’t take long to find the others - they had set up a blanket on a hill nearby, in an open space, perfect for playing Oroden’s favourite game when Rlain was visiting - Catch Oroden. 



***



Adolin

 

Adolin leaned back on his hands as he sat on the blanket Renarin and Rlain had put out. Renarin passed him two small cups of sapphire, and Adolin passed one over to Shallan. 

“This has been exactly the day I was hoping for,” Adolin said, smiling. “To life! Javani!” he said happily, and they cheersed. 

“What about me?” Gavinor asked from the side. He was standing, watching Kaladin and Rlain toss Oroden back and forth. Kaladin had Lashed Oroden to be lighter, and the boy was twisting expertly in the air so that he landed feet first against the chest of the receiver. 

“Are you asking about the wine, or do you want to be thrown like Oroden?” Adolin asked. 

Gavinor fiddled with his hands. “Thrown, sir,” he said quietly. 

“I’m sure we can arrange that,” Adolin said. He drank the rest of his cup in one gulp, then stood, reaching out his hand for Gavinor’s. “I wanna try throwing you, too,” he smiled. 

They reached Kaladin, and Adolin asked on Gavinor’s behalf. Kaladin leaned down, but Gavinor withdrew against Adolin. “I can’t do it,” he said softly, burying his face in Adolin’s hand. Kaladin looked devastated. Adolin got down on his knees and brought Gavinor in for a hug. 

“You can trust us, we’re not trying to hurt you,” he said softly. “And if you do get hurt, your Bagada Renarin is here and he’ll heal you right up.” He pointed at Renarin, who waved from the blanket. Adolin could feel his hands grow cold, the warmth from them moving into his nephew. 

Gavinor looked up at Adolin, his eyes shining. “I wanna play! I wanna do it!” he said, still looking a bit anxious, but his eagerness had taken over. 

“Ok, Gavinor, Kaladin is going to touch you and then you’ll feel lighter. And then he’ll throw you to Bagada Rlain,” Adolin said. 

Gavinor agreed, and his face lit up as Kaladin Lashed him so he floated. He screamed with delight, and Kaladin looked relieved as Gavinor let him grab him for throwing. Kaladin threw him to Rlain, and Gavinor spun, then smashed into him, all knees and elbows. 

“Ow!” Rlain yelled, laughing. “This is more painful without carapace.” He then threw Gavinor over to Adolin, as Kaladin threw Oroden to Rlain. 

Gavinor elbowed Adolin in the face as he caught him, and everyone laughed. “I guess that’s what I get,” Adolin said. No amount of elbows could wipe the big grin off his face.

“Me next, Gagada Aylin!” Oroden yelled. This is the perfect day, Adolin thought, and his heart glowed.

Notes:

This was probably the hardest chapter to write so far.

Of course Renarin is the one who gave Gavinor the knife! lol

Chapter 43: Adhesion

Summary:

Shallan gets her wish.

Notes:

CW sex! Anal sex, PNV, oral sex, strap on sex

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Three days until the mission

 

Shallan

 

Shallan was reclining on the couch in the main room, lounging in a light, loose havah appropriate for summer. She was drinking a glass of sapphire while she waited for Adolin and Kaladin, who were in the dressing room. Kaladin had arrived with a bottle of wine in hand, looking nervous, so Adolin had opened the bottle for Shallan and taken Kaladin to the back, insisting he’ll feel more relaxed with the right ensemble. Shallan had thought he’d looked pretty cute in his black shirt and brown pants, but she wouldn’t argue with Adolin’s sense of style. Besides, he seemed a bit nervous too.

Finally, it’s my night for my wish, and I’m making it real! She saluted her wine in the general direction of Navani’s rooms. Shallan herself was mostly excited, but if she was being honest, she was a little nervous too. She knew Adolin would have a good time, but she was afraid that Kaladin might not. A part of her was still uncertain whether he really wanted to be with her, and that she was pressuring him into this, despite his reassurances. He said he wanted to be closer to me. We’re still experimenting with what works. I have to trust that. 

She took a sip of wine to calm herself and shooed away the little red streamer flapping away on the couch beside her. Soon, Adolin and Kaladin emerged from the dressing room, and Shallan beamed with admiration. Adolin was dressed impeccably, wearing her favourite takama, although in this iteration of the ensemble he was only wearing the silky outer robe, foregoing the skirt and undershirt. It was a deep blue that highlighted the colour of his eyes and brightened his hair, making him look exotic rather than Alethi. He was biting his lip with excitement as he presented Kaladin to her. “The takama was done early! Look at him!” he said, beaming. “Doesn’t he look wonderful?”

Kaladin stood awkwardly, hunched over a bit, and he kept pulling the silky fabric up his shoulders as though it would immediately fall off him without his constant supervision. He glanced at Shallan hopefully. “Well, what do you think?” he asked.

The amethyst takama he’d chosen was magnificent. It was the perfect colour for his skin tone, and the embroidery stood out, curling across the draped fabric. The front had a deep V to show off his chest, and he had also gone without the underclothes. She saw Syl flying at his side wearing a patterned havah and Shallan knew it matched him. Even more impressive was the fact that Adolin had somehow convinced him to let his hair be braided, and it hung down between his shoulderblades. Kaladin looked embarrassed, but pleased. He couldn’t hide his face behind his hair, but he tried anyway as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

Her heart swelled to see his bashful posture, the shimmer of hope in his eyes. “You look incredibly handsome, Kaladin,” she said with genuine admiration. “It looks both practical and stylish. Surely a blend of both your ideas.” He straightened his posture as she looked at him, his eyes facing forward. Is he expecting a military dressing down? she laughed to herself. 

She stood and slowly walked around him, taking in the way the fabric rippled across his body and caressed the curves of his skin in just the right places. “You can go now, Syl,” Kaladin murmured, and a blue ribbon of light left the room. His body stiffened. Oh, storms, he’s tense already. Is this going to be too much for him?  

She peeked around him and touched his upper arm in a steadying grip. “Are you feeling any better since yesterday?” she asked kindly. “It’s okay if you’re not up for it tonight. We can do other things.”

Kaladin shook his head vigorously. “No, I’m mostly better. The day out did help, and I want to do this. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you." Irritation tinged his voice, and then he softened it. "I’ll let you know if something’s not right, okay? I’m just...nervous I’m going to mess it up somehow, that’s all,” he said quietly, his eyes not quite meeting hers. 

She checked in with Pattern. Hardly any lies at all, mmmmm … Pattern said in her mind. He believes he’ll mess it up. Shallan, did you notice? He’s trying to tell the future! Tasty! Ha ha!

Shallan considered what might make Kaladin feel more comfortable. “Well, I know you’re good at taking orders, so I can be your officer and you two can be my soldiers. You can still take orders, can’t you, Captain Stormface?” she asked cheekily. Kaladin’s frown of concern softened, and Adolin grinned.

“At attention!” she barked. Both her men stood straight and proud, side by side, arms at their sides and eyes forward, their faces masks of dignity. 

“Are you ready for inspection, soldiers?”

“Aye, sir!” they said in unison, saluting. 

Mmm, I could get used to this, Shallan thought, pleased. Pattern hummed with delight. 

She walked around them, touching their bodies through the soft fabric of the takama robes. She ran her fingers through Adolin’s hair, and he didn’t even flinch. Oh, he’s good . She smelled him - her favourite woody fragrance, because of course he remembered - and wrapped her arms around him from behind, feeling his hardness growing through the thin fabric. She hummed her approval, then moved to Kaladin's hair, grasping his tail firmly and running her thumb along the silky smooth bumps of the braid. Adolin had done a good job with it. “Ah, nice tight braid, that’s good, soldier,” she said gruffly, then let go, her hand resting on his back briefly, tracing across his body as she moved around him. “You keep a tight ship.”

“That’s for sailors, not soldiers,” Kaladin corrected.

Shallan sputtered in mock indignity. “Do soldiers correct their superior officers?” 

“That one does,” Adolin said, gesturing with his chin. “This is just like real life.” He and Shallan giggled, and Kaladin ran his tongue across his teeth, shaking his head as he maintained his posture.

Shallan walked up to Kaladin, toe to toe. “I’m going to have to correct you, soldier,” she said. “That’s 3 tongue lashings.” She reached out and tugged down the V of his takama, then got on her tiptoes and licked his chest three times. With her body so close to his, she could feel the effect she was having on him.  

“If this is the punishment he gets,” Adolin said wryly, peeking out of the corner of his eye, “I’m going to have to be bad more often. Are you giving out rewards for good behaviour too?”

Shallan pulled away from Kaladin and patted the side of Adolin’s face. “Be good, then, and find out.” Storms, they’re hard to control. No wonder Dalinar looks so tired all the time.  

“Fall in,” she laughed, and led them to the bedroom, spreading her arms out. “This is a special night, so I wanted to make a special Lightweaving for you two.” She drew Stormlight, waving her arms in a way she hoped looked mysterious and sexy, and the floor dropped out beneath them. The room disappeared, except for the bed, which appeared to be floating in a vast, starry night sky with a dark, distant landscape below them. Starspren flickered in and out of existence, lighting them in an otherworldly light from every direction. She looked back to see the effect she’d had, and found Kaladin floating, holding a dizzy-looking Adolin in his arms. “Oh storms, I guess I should’ve told you what I was going to do! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Shallan exclaimed.

“Scared? Absolutely not,” Kaladin said, floating back down again, at the same time as Adolin said, “Can you give us a bit of floor? Maybe a railing?”

Shallan felt a bit bad for Adolin. She had been thinking more about what Kaladin might find soothing, forgetting that Adolin wasn’t a fan of heights. She quickly changed the Lightweaving to create a white marble floor with a railing around the edges of the room, and allowed some of the other furniture to show for good measure. “Is that better?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” Adolin said, relieved. He extricated himself from Kaladin and nodded. “This is good.” He looked down and took a couple experimental steps, regaining his confidence, Kaladin's arm still around him for support.

She stepped up to Adolin, wrapping her arms around him, and kissed his chest. “You know, I think that takama robe is throwing you off balance. Let me take it off you.” She undid the knot of the belt and slowly opened up the robe, then pushed it off his shoulders. She put it down gently. 

Kaladin was standing behind Adolin, kissing his neck. She took Adolin’s front, and they spent some time ensuring Adolin’s dizziness had nothing to do with the open skies surrounding them. Shallan then turned her attention to Kaladin, removing his takama with careful attention. It felt good to undress him - she had only seen him fully nude when she had been stuck to the wall, and hadn't been able to touch him. Now she got to linger, her fingertips free to roam his skin.

Meanwhile, Adolin started on her clothes, reaching around from behind and undoing the top buttons of her havah. 

Kaladin chewed the inside of his lip. “You know, I haven’t seen you completely naked before,” he said to Shallan uncertainly.

“What?” Adolin gasped in astonishment. “How is that possible?” He stopped unbuttoning Shallan’s havah. 

“Well,” Shallan said, “we’re always at Kaladin’s, and we have to be ready for Oroden to wake up at a moment’s notice. Kaladin is always so anxious about it ,” she whispered loudly to Adolin. 

Adolin chuckled. “I can help with Oroden too, you know. You’re not stuck in your tiny bedroom.” 

Kaladin blushed and looked down. “I know...I...uh, I don’t know.” Shallan and Adolin looked at each other. Oh, this should be good, she thought. She rested her hands on his bare chest. 

“What is it, Kaladin?” she asked.

A small white petal floated beside him and drifted away. “Women are...complicated,” Kaladin said finally. 

Women are what? Shallan crossed her arms. “Are women complicated, Kaladin? Or are your feelings about women complicated?” she challenged. 

He spread his arms out, palms up in supplication. “I don’t know!” he said. “I just...don’t know what to do. You know that.” She’d thought she’d instructed him adequately, but perhaps he still didn’t trust himself. If anyone here is complicated... she bit back her frustration. 

Adolin laughed. “Shallan is complicated in many ways, but the bedroom is not one of them,” he said. “Are you anxious about Oroden? Or is it Shallan’s complicated breasts?” 

Kaladin winced, and Shallan glared at Adolin, who raised his eyebrows, clearly not expecting his joke to land so heavily. “Here, Kaladin, this is a problem that’s easily solved. I’ll let you have the honour,” he said graciously, and backed away a step, dropping Shallan’s clothing back into place. Kaladin’s eyes were serious, and he was frowning. Mmmm, that’s a good point, Adolin, she thought.

“Is this about honour, Kaladin?” she asked. 

He nodded slowly. “Being with you, it’s different than being with Adolin because of the possible consequences,” he said. “I want to protect you from a lifetime of unhappiness if this goes wrong.” Shallan resisted rolling her eyes, and pulled him in for a hug instead. 

Adolin moved behind Kaladin and wrapped his arms around both of them. “ What does Syl say? Isn’t she a little piece of Honor?” he asked.

Kaladin snorted. “She just wants me to be happy,” he said dismissively. His fingers grasped the loose fabric of her havah as he held her.

“Are you sure you want to see me naked?” Shallan asked. Kaladin ran his hands up and down her back. “I want to,” he said. “Almighty, I want to.”

Why is Kaladin balking now? Shallan asked herself, confused. We've talking this through already. I t’s like he’s trying to sabotage himself.

“I’m allowed to be happy. Trust my belayers,” Kaladin said softly to himself, as though Syl had been coaching him. He sighed and turned to kiss Adolin, then looked down at Shallan and kissed her. They stood like that for a moment, enveloping Kaladin, swaying back and forth a little. "Okay, I'm ready," Kaladin said.

Together, he and Adolin lifted her havah up and over her head, and Shallan pulled him into their first naked hug. His skin was warm, and his arms wrapped around her, tentatively at first, then more securely. Adolin’s hands joined his, holding them in place reassuringly. She pressed her cheek against Kaladin’s chest, and heard his heart beating, strong and steady. 

“How does that feel?” she asked. 

“I still feel a bit like I’m doing something bad, but it feels really good, too,” Kaladin said. 

“Sounds like you need to relax more,” Shallan mused. Kaladin is so anxious about honour. I need to make him forget about it for a little while...

"Yeah, I'll try," he agreed. She directed Kaladin to lay down on the bed, face up, and he did as ordered, his hands behind his head. "Okay, I'm relaxing now," he said, forcing a smile. She and Adolin nodded at each other. 

“See, this kind of thing makes me relax less ,” Kaladin frowned, sitting up on his elbows and pointing from one to the other. “You’re conspiring against me.”

She and Adolin crawled onto the bed towards Kaladin. “We’re not conspiring against you, we’re conspiring for you,” she said smoothly. “There’s a big difference.” Kaladin stared at them as they each crawled along one of Kaladin’s long legs. They leaned down and started to kiss and lick Kaladin’s spear, taking turns kissing him and each other. She met Adolin's eager eyes and smiled as they harmonized their movements. Sharing Kaladin with him was something she had very much looked forward to. A joyspren flew up from Adolin’s feet as he watched her lick Kaladin.

Ahhh ,” Kaladin exhaled as she and Adolin licked him to fullness. “Two against one, it isn’t fair…”

“Two for one,” Shallan corrected, and she kissed Adolin. She was grateful for his soothing presence, reassuring Kaladin that this was okay. Together, they could help him forget himself enough to relax. She glanced up to Kaladin’s face and saw his expression had softened. She held his gaze as she licked his member.

“Are you feeling more relaxed now?” Adolin asked between kisses. 

“No, not nearly relaxed enough. Ahh, ” Kaladin said, and arched into their touch, his head falling back again.

“Mmmmmm, delicious lies,” a voice buzzed from the darkness. 

“PATTERN! OUT!” they all said at once, and Pattern slid away, humming pleasantly. 

“I swear, I keep talking to him about it, but he doesn’t leave until I tell him to, and I keep forgetting he’s there. You’re both very distracting,” Shallan grinned. 

“Oh, so it’s our fault, I see,” Kaladin drawled. He sat up, looking more confident. “Well now that he’s gone, let's try that sex kata you wanted to do.” He looked more determined than turned on, but she would take whatever he had to offer. 

“How do you want to do this? It looks like you have an idea,” she said. 

“Ok, I promise I won’t Lash you to the wall this time,” Kaladin smirked, and Shallan felt the rush of weightlessness as he floated her into the air. He stood, grabbed her around the waist with one arm, and pulled her in against him, her back to his front. He kissed her neck, and with his free hand he ran his fingers across her chest. He was gentle and tentative, and she guided his hand to show him how she liked her breasts to be touched. As usual, he was a quick learner, and the combination of weightlessness and his touch was heady. She leaned her head back against his shoulder, warming up quickly. 

“Kaladin…” she said, melting against him. She could feel the press of his spear between her thighs. 

Adolin admired them from the bed, his head adorably tilted, and another joyspren erupted beside him. He and Shallan shared a smile. Storms, I'm a lucky woman, she thought. “Come here, Adolin,” she said, and he got off the bed and knelt in front of her, his hands supporting her ass and lifting her so that her head was beside Kaladin’s. Being weightless makes this so much easier. She lifted her legs over Adolin’s shoulders and he began to lick her. His tongue was warm against her skin, and she arched her back, straining against Kaladin’s arm. The heat inside her blossomed, and Adolin licked with even more enthusiasm. He slid two fingers into her and curled them towards him, sliding up and down slowly as he licked her gem. Kaladin kissed her cheek, encouraging her to turn so she could taste his lips. Shallan’s pleasure escalated quickly with so much touch, the tension inside building to a crescendo. Sensing her peak approaching, Adolin increased his pace, and Kaladin pinched her nipples lightly. She succumbed to her orgasm, letting go completely, sensing her body expanding and falling at the same time. Double the men, double the pleasure , she thought, and laughed to herself, thinking she’d have to tell Pattern that joke later.

Adolin stood, wiping his mouth roughly with his forearm, and pressed his body against Shallan to kiss her passionately, his arms wrapping around Kaladin’s back to pull them in closer. Shallan put her arms around his neck and kissed back, lost in the glow of warmth within and around her. She was pressed between her two men, and couldn’t have been happier. Adolin ended her kiss so he could kiss Kaladin over her shoulder, and with dizzy wonder she realized her daydream had come to life. 

Kaladin reached down between her legs as he kissed Adolin, rubbing her gem with the enthusiasm she needed to come again. “Ah, Adolin, get inside me,” she moaned, and Adolin obliged as Kaladin continued to touch her. Adolin entered her slowly, teasing her, and she rode waves of pleasure, wrapping her legs around Adolin so she could bring him in deeper. 

Adolin leaned back and looked down to watch Kaladin’s style with his fingers. “Almighty, Kal, is this what you’ve been doing the whole time you haven’t been touching her breasts?” he asked, still thrusting into her.

“Kaladin has been, ahhhh , specializing, ahhh Kal , I’m - OH!” Shallan trembled as Adolin hit a spot inside at the same time Kaladin brought her off again, and she saw stars. Her eyes opened, and above their heads she saw more stars, sparkling into infinity. She didn’t have to look down to know her come was dripping down Adolin’s legs now, because she could see the excitement in his eyes. He grinned ferociously and kissed her again, thrusting harder. 

“Now you, Kaladin,” Shallan moaned, and Kaladin’s body tensed. Adolin stopped kissing her, then his rhythm slowed, and Shallan opened her eyes. She turned and saw Kaladin’s face, twisted with guilt. 

“I…” he said softly. Another shamespren fell. Adolin stopped, just holding Shallan, and she reluctantly got off him, turning to Kaladin. She was burning with desire, and she squeezed her thighs together and rubbed her chest roughly to try to shake the sensation. Adolin’s face was carefully neutral, but Shallan could see the conflict in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked Kaladin. 

“I want to do it, I really do. I just...I can’t explain it, it just feels wrong. I said I wouldn’t go anywhere near that area, and even though it doesn’t seem very risky, I promised there would be no risk. I promised you, Shallan. And I promised Dalinar. I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.” A flood of anger rose inside her, and she stifled it. Why wait until now to say you can’t do it, Kaladin? she thought. He must have known. He’s trying to sabotage himself again.

Adolin let out a deep breath. “Okay, if we’re talking about my father, I’m going to go sit down,” he said, and sat on the middle of the bed, patting it as an invitation for Shallan and Kaladin to join him. Shallan huffed and reached through the illusion to find her towels, passing one to Adolin so they could get more comfortable. 

I was so close. Shallan had wondered whether something like this might happen. I will not let him sabotage this. I will have him, she thought with determination. I just need to be smart about it.

Kaladin looked devastated, and it seemed he was trying to hold it back, because he met her eyes with a watery smile. “Kaladin, it’s okay,” she reassured him, and reached over to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m glad you said something. I would never want you to do anything that felt wrong.” I just wish you knew how you felt sooner.

He nodded and sighed shakily. Shallan looked over at Adolin and raised her eyebrows in a question, and Adolin nodded, smiling. He thinks it’s possible, she thought. I’m going to try it.

“Kaladin, let’s go back to the beginning and start over. You lay down here, and we’ll do it in a way we know you like.” She fluffed some pillows and pointed at them. “Come on, soldier, that’s an order.”

Kaladin obliged, but he still looked guilty. “I just ruined your night. I don’t deserve -”

“Nonsense,” Shallan said. “You absolutely deserve your pleasure. And you haven’t ruined the night because I won’t let you.” She touched his nose and smiled mysteriously. “After all, every good spy has a backup plan.” 

It was all worth it for the bug-eyed look he gave her. “Wait, what do you mean, plan ?” he said, then, “ Ahhhh …” as Adolin took him in his mouth again. Shallan laid beside Kaladin, a hand on his chest, and kissed his neck as Adolin kissed his cock. Kaladin’s face relaxed again, and he reached out a hand to her face, touching her hair and pulling her in for another kiss. He sighed into her, and seemed to let go of his objections.

She let go of her irritation at him, and focused on the bliss of that kiss as though she was taking a Memory of the whole experience, memorizing the softness of his lips, the smell of his sweat, the heat of his skin. The sound of Adolin sucking him broke the surface of her consciousness, and she pulled away for a moment to check on them. Adolin was fully focused on Kaladin’s spear, his hands exploring his skin. Kaladin’s dark brown eyes were half lidded. He was starting to drift again, out of his guilty thoughts and back into his body where she wished he could stay.

But this wasn’t the time for pity or even concern - she had a mission. She lifted herself up on an elbow and reached out to touch Adolin’s hair. He slowly slid Kaladin’s spear from between his lips, and he held the base to show it off to her. She looked at it carefully, considering a few angles, then blinked and let him resume.

Adolin served him thoroughly, licking his spheres and along his crack as Shallan kissed his face and neck, running her hands along his chest and abs. Kaladin turned a bit to press himself against her more, bringing her bare chest against his body. He’s not doing this on purpose. Look, he's trying. His kisses started to feel freer than they had before, and they grew more intense. Finally Kaladin moaned into her, and she watched Adolin swallow him out of the corner of her eye. When Kaladin relaxed again, his eyes closed, Shallan looked at Adolin and they shared another smile. She sat up, he leaned over, and they kissed. She could taste Kaladin on his lips. We’ve won this battle, now can we win the war?   She was already feeling excited again.

“Are you feeling better,” Shallan asked Kaladin, “now that you don’t have to worry about where your seed will end up?” 

He looked up at her through sleepy eyelids. “Yeah.” His eyes opened wide again, and he sat up. “What about your sex kata?” 

“You’ve been reassigned,” Adolin said, grinning. “You're not dismissed yet, soldier.”

“What’s my assignment?” Kaladin asked, looking from Adolin to Shallan. “You have a plan for me, Princess?” Oh yes, I do. I just hope you’ll be willing to try it. Shallan drew Stormlight and created a physical, Lightwoven dildo in his image. She held it, smiling encouragingly, and Kaladin’s eyes grew wide. “What is...what do you want me to do with that?” he asked. 

“I want you to spear me with it.” She watched his face carefully as he reacted to that information, looking confused, afraid, possibly angry…

“I don’t know how, Shallan,” he whined. “Don’t make me fail again,” he whispered. 

"Think of it as an experiment," Shallan implored him. "You can't fail an experiment, you just learn what works and what doesn't." Kaladin looked overwhelmed, though, so Shallan dismissed it.

Adolin pushed him to lay down again, and flopped beside him, kissing him on the cheek. “You’re okay, Kaladin,” he said. Kaladin looked him in the eyes for a moment, and breathed deeply. 

“You’re right,” Kaladin said, and he seemed to find his courage again.

“It feels weird because it is weird, but I think it could be what both of you need.” Adolin looked over at Shallan and grabbed her hand. “I didn’t know it was like this for you two, not even cuddling naked together. No wonder you feel like something’s missing. You’ve got someone else's ruling hanging over your heads.” He frowned in thought. “Having sex, cuddling together naked, those are things that help me feel close to both of you.” 

Shallan snuggled closer against Kaladin, tucking her head into his shoulder. “I have to say, this does feel really nice all on its own.” 

Adolin snuggled in on Kaladin’s other side. Touching Kaladin’s jaw, he turned Kaladin’s face towards him, his light blue eyes drawing attention even in the dim light. “It’s not you that’s failed, Kaladin, it’s the situation here that’s failed you. I didn’t realize. I thought it was just about convention, but this is a kind of oppression, too, to be forced to hold back until the ‘proper’ people get their baby first.” Adolin hummed in frustration. “It’s harming your relationship with Shallan. You’re not free to do what you want.”

They lay there for a bit, thinking. There has always been something strange between us, she thought. I thought it was him, I thought he was conflicted because he didn’t really want to be with me, but maybe it was because he was trying to protect me. He's audacious with his superiors when it matters, so he must really believe that holding back is the right thing to do. 

After a few moments, Kaladin spoke. “That makes sense. I just thought it was me, or her, but it’s not, is it? It’s all of this - the whole situation.” 

Adolin played with the end of Kaladin’s braid. “If no one was breathing down your neck, and you could do anything you wanted with Shallan, what would you want to do?” Shallan watched Kaladin’s thoughtful expression. He closed his eyes. We all know what I want, she thought, but he’s never told me what he really wants. It’s always been about what’s honourable, or how he can serve me. Adolin is so good at drawing him out. I’m so glad he’s here.

“Well, some of it would be the same,” Kaladin said. “I like pleasing her.” He met Shallan’s eyes. “I’m nervous about making you pregnant, Shallan. It’s too soon to know if I want to have a child with you, if this would work, and we’re in the middle of a Desolation, and everything is so risky. I wouldn’t want that for our child, or for us.” Shallan nodded. 

Kaladin continued. “Adolin’s right though. I didn’t even bother considering what I want. It didn’t feel like it mattered.” He rolled towards her fully, and touched her face. “There are times when you hold me when I wish we could be closer, but I never realized that it could mean this,” and he pulled her in, skin against skin. “This feels really good.”

They held each other, Shallan nuzzling into him. She felt some of the closeness, the warmth, she’d been missing. 

Kaladin sighed. “Ok, show me that thing again,” he smiled a half smile and kissed her. “You know you’re killing me with how weird you are. I might actually die from embarrassment.”

She fluttered her eyelids prettily. “Who, me? Never,” she replied, and with a flourish, she recreated the Lightwoven dildo. It was exactly his shape, but she made it the sky pink of the sunrise. “What do you think? Almost like the real thing, right?”

Kaladin’s eyes went wide again. “Besides the fact that it’s the brightest pink I’ve ever seen, yeah,” he said. 

“That’s so that Adolin can tell them apart,” Shallan joked. 

“Hey now,” Adolin said. “I can tell which one’s which, thank you very much. For one, this one isn’t attached.”

Shallan gave the dildo to Kaladin for inspection. He held it tentatively, turning it over in his hands. Anticipationspren fluttered as Adolin and Shallan watched him. 

Adolin tried to be encouraging. “It’s really nifty, Shallan. You’ve outdone yourself as always." 

“It’s incredible you can Lightweave things I can actually feel ,” Kaladin said with a hint of wonder. 

“That’s another reason for it to be as bright as the sunrise,” Shallan said. “It’s yours, but it’s not that one .” She grabbed it from him and bopped it on his head. “See? It doesn’t hurt.”

“Shallan!” Kaladin laughed in exasperation. He smiled and sighed. “Okay, Shallan, how do I spear you with this?” It wiggled a little in his hand, and she giggled.

She gently rolled him back onto his back, and she moved to straddle him, but he stopped her. He’s still uncomfortable with his spear touching me, even though it’s spent . “Would you like to put your underwear back on before we try this? It’ll still work, and you might feel more protected.”

He nodded, and Adolin jumped off the bed to find them. He threw them at Kaladin, and he put them on. “Yeah, that feels more comfortable,” he said, settling back again. 

“Okay! Now let’s attach it,” she said.

“How?” Kaladin asked. 

Shallan and Adolin looked at each other. “If only there was some kind of...power to help with that. Huh,” Adolin said with an exaggerated curiosity.

“A Surgebinding, perhaps?” Shallan suggested.

“The opposite of Edgedancers? The power of stickiness?” Adolin smiled. 

“Oh! Of course! I don’t know why I’m always forgetting about that,” Kaladin said. “Adhesion, yeah.” He drew Stormlight, touched the base, and then Shallan stuck it to Kaladin, just above the base of his spear, over his underwear. Adolin wrapped his hand around it, and it became slick. 

“Okay, now your spear is locked away, and you have a pink one that won’t get me pregnant,” Shallan said, satisfied. “How do you feel?”

Kaladin batted at it with increasing force, then twisted his body this way and that, testing out its sturdiness. It was quite well attached. “It definitely feels weird, but it doesn’t feel wrong,” he said cautiously. She looked at Adolin with excitement. This is going to work! she thought. Adolin grinned back at her and leaned forward to kiss her. He deepened the kiss, and the touch of his tongue sent shivers down her body. She was more than ready to continue. 

“Do you want to get speared, or was the purpose of this just to make me look stupid?” Kaladin asked with a lopsided grin, trying to hide a petal that had fallen beside him.

Adolin broke the kiss and gave Kaladin a look of mock outrage. “I would never make you look stupid, and you should know me better than that,” he chided warmly. “Kaladin, you have to have the proper sword for the fight,” he said in an imitation of Zahel, and Kaladin barked a laugh. Another petal fell, and Kaladin swatted it away, shaking his head and smiling. 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, princeling,” he said. He wiggled his hips and watched it sway with his body. “Why is fighting so much easier than what we’re doing?”

“You just need to train more,” Shallan said, impatient. “I wouldn’t have done all this research and practice if I didn’t want you to spear me. Can I get on top of you now?” 

“Yes, yes,” Kaladin said, still laughing a little. 

Shallan swung her leg over Kaladin, facing him, and slowly lowered herself onto the dildo. It felt good, especially knowing it was his shape touching her, filling her. For all intents and purposes, it was him. She sat upright, throwing her hair back and humming happily as her body welcomed his thickness. Kaladin gazed up at her with a curious expression, and his hands reached up to touch her breasts. She met his eyes, feeling his solidness inside her, his warm body under her thighs as she straddled him, his hands exploring her whole body for the first time. There was something about having him inside her that made her feel as though they were one now. Kaladin slid his hands up her back and pulled her forward, and she lay against him, her breasts against Kaladin’s chest, and her head tucked under his chin. It felt incredible to finally have him like this. They lay there for a moment, and she felt Kaladin take a shaky breath as he rubbed her back. Shallan felt emotional suddenly, and she clung to him, trying unsuccessfully to hold back tears. 

“I thought it wouldn’t feel like anything, but it’s the opposite - I can touch all of you now,” he said thickly, a note of wonder in his voice. She raised her head to look in Kaladin’s eyes, and there were tears there, too. 

“Yeah,” she murmured.

“I feel...I feel like I was away, and I missed you, and now I’m home again. But, it’s the first time we’ve done this,” he said, sounding perplexed. 

“I feel like I’ve been trying to welcome you home, but you couldn’t find the door,” she said, and kissed him. “I’m so happy right now.” She pressed her face against his chest and held him again. This wasn’t exactly what she’d pictured in her fantasy, but it was perfect anyway. 

“Can I join you?” Adolin asked. “I don’t want to interrupt a tender moment, but you two look really hot like this and I can’t just sit here and not touch you.”

He lay down beside Kaladin and kissed him, moaning a little into him. Slowly, Shallan started rocking her body against Kaladin’s, and he responded, moving with her, and laid his hands on the tops of her thighs. She pushed herself up, her hands propped on his chest. Adolin sat up and kissed her passionately, then wiped her tears. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered in her ear, and she shivered. They kissed again as she rode Kaladin, someone's hands on her breasts.

Shallan could feel Adolin’s need in his kiss. “Adolin, you have my back,” she ordered.

“Yes, sir,” Adolin said, and moved behind her.  

Kaladin looked up at her with a surprised expression, then smiled and started thrusting up into her. Their eyes locked, their hands exploring each other, their breath in sync for a moment. She pushed herself further onto Kaladin, feeling the limit of her depth, exploring it. She dropped her hands onto the bed and rolled her hips, finding the right angle. She moaned as she found it, the pressure creating a need to push harder. Kaladin sensed her urgency and touched his fingertips to her gem, rubbing her in just the right way. She came, squeezing the dildo, and wet Kaladin with her orgasm. Kaladin slowed, and Shallan resumed her rocking as Adolin pressed against her from behind. He brushed her hair off one shoulder and kissed her neck, and a fiery sensation shot down her back, arching it so she presented her ass to Adolin behind her. She leaned down farther, rubbing herself against Kaladin’s chest with wanton abandon. Adolin licked her spine, sending shockwaves through her body again, and she gasped and moaned. Oh, Heralds, this is good, she thought. 

Adolin spread his hand on her upper back and pushed her harder into Kaladin's chest. She writhed against him, and Kaladin grabbed her ass and spread her cheeks for Adolin. She could feel his hot tongue on her soft, tender skin, and she moaned again, long and low. His finger entered her ass, and he teased out another orgasm from her, her juices spilling between her and Kaladin, and her belly slid against his as she resumed her rocking on his bright pink member. She felt Adolin press himself against her ass, then spear her slowly, opening her up completely. They both gasped, and Adolin rested his forehead on her back for a moment. “I can feel you inside her, Kaladin,” he said. “Oh, stormwinds .”

Shallan was sweating now, her body aching with fullness. Adolin’s spear stretched her wide, and he was pushing against the swell of Kaladin’s spear already inside her, and her muscles were forced to relax to accommodate him. She exhaled, her cheek pressed against Kaladin’s chest. She wanted more. “Oh, Almighty,” she moaned, and started to rock again, slowly impaling herself on both of them. Adolin followed her movement like a dance, expertly pacing himself with her. She felt like her deepest parts were exposed, vulnerable, but in the best way possible, laying herself out and being rewarded with the pleasure she’d been chasing. It wasn’t just pleasure, either - it was trust, safety. She knew from within her depths that these men wouldn’t hurt or betray her. They had opened themselves to her, too.  

She looked up and saw that Kaladin was fixing Adolin with an intense gaze, frowning in concentration, matching their rhythm as he grasped her hips. Passionspren fell around them, mimicking the stars that surrounded them. They love each other. They love me, she thought. She touched herself, and lost herself in her orgasm, squeezing them tight inside her as she came. Kaladin met her eyes and said, “Adolin is ready,” and she had never heard anything so delicious. Adolin reached forward for Kaladin’s hand, and their fingers intertwined beside Kaladin’s head, Adolin supporting his weight on that arm. He grabbed Shallan by her breast and pulled her up and back against his chest as he started to thrust in earnest, pumping into her harder. She surrendered totally to him. She was surrounded by warmth, but she didn’t feel trapped. She felt supported, elevated, and incredibly free, free to feel her heart’s desires and be herself, whatever that ended up being.  

She was breathing heavily now. Kaladin touched her gem, and she came one last time, shoving her body back onto him and Adolin with a yell, her body quivering with the exertion of her orgasm. She watched Kaladin’s satisfied expression as she felt Adolin grasp at her, his hand sweat-slicked, slipping down to her hip, and he dug his fingers into her as he came. Shallan closed her eyes, savouring the sensations of warmth and wetness, fullness and closeness. 

She moaned, trying to hold onto the last moments of that sweet ache, as Adolin pulled out of her slowly, kissing her back as he went. She glided her wet body forward towards Kaladin's face, sliding herself off of his Lightwoven member, and she kissed him briefly, then fell to the side, dismissing the Lightweaving. 

Her breaths evened out, becoming deeper and smoother as she caught her breath. Adolin got off the bed to clean himself, and Kaladin turned to her and pulled her into a long, enveloping hug. 

“I know it wasn’t exactly what you’d pictured, but it was incredible. Thank you,” he said, and buried his face in her hair. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

She gazed out at the dim light of the stars. “You’re stuck with me,” she said softly, feeling fuzzy and a bit dizzy with love. She could still feel the echoes of their bodies inside her, throbbing lightly. Adolin rejoined them, laying on Shallan’s other side. He slid an arm under her neck to touch Kaladin’s face, and Kaladin nuzzled into it.  

“Before you say anything, Adolin, yes, you were right about the braid,” Kaladin said with a long-suffering tone, and Adolin smirked. 

“It stayed out of your face,” Adolin said triumphantly.

“Well I don’t need it anymore,” Kaladin said. He sat up and loosed the tie, letting his hair spill across his shoulders. He sat there for a moment, looking like he was regaining his bearings. He looked up at the stars surrounding them, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “You know, Shallan,” he said in a contemplative tone, “since I’ve met you, I don’t even know how many times I’ve said ‘this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever done’.” He shook his head incredulously. “Allowing me to be with Adolin, then you, the nighttime fabrial to help me sleep, experimenting , and now this frillbloom pink member...you’re unbelievable. And yet every time I do one of these weird things, I feel better and better. I don’t know how you do it.”

“That’s a compliment if I ever heard one,” Shallan slurred a bit, smiling at him. 

I’m going to take it as a compliment that you don’t think your amazing new ensembles are weird,” Adolin said. 

“That’s...good growth,” a crackly voice said from the corner of the bed. 

Shallan started to laugh. “Maya is still here? Adolin!” she said accusingly. 

Adolin stuttered. “I...uh...I forgot she was here?” he said, and grimaced apologetically.

“Now who’s setting a bad example for the spren?” Shallan asked.

“I’m never going to complain about Syl again,” Kaladin said, falling back to the bed. “Your spren are freaky. Oh no, it’s wet here.” He sat up again. “My underwear is soaked ,” he said to himself.

“She’s not a freak, she just doesn’t know any better yet!” Adolin said defensively. “She’s learning!”

“Oh, she’s learning. Well maybe she can remove the bedsheets while we bathe, as a punishment,” Shallan retorted. As much as she didn’t want to get up, the wet sheets were only getting colder. After we bathe, we can cuddle together, and then Kaladin will sleep with us, and I’ll get to wake up next to him again. She got up, brimming with happiness, and slowly dissolved the Lightweaving around them. The room was ordinary again, but she felt anything but ordinary. This was everything I wanted, and the night has just begun. She reached for Kaladin’s hand, and he took it, smiling. 

 

Notes:

There it is, they finally had their threesome! I hope it came across that Kaladin was working to overcome his own anxiety, and not that he was pressured into it. It's still early in their relationship, and he's trying to figure out why he's not hitting the same sexual beats that other people seem to. Certainly the circumstances of their relationship, and their different social statuses, are complicating things. There's also the fact that his feelings towards Shallan are different than his feelings towards Adolin, and it takes time and experimentation to figure out what he likes. I think in the future he would be more interested in the naked cuddling than the strap on sex, but it worth it to try, and maybe he'd still do that every once in a while. After all, he enjoys pleasing Shallan 🥰

(Just a note that everyone, including Kaladin, is entitled to try something and then say no at any time during that sexual activity. I think Shallan is generally supportive of that but in the moment it was just hard for her to stop 😅)

Chapter 44: Bonding

Summary:

Adolin picks up Kaladin for some errands. Kaladin sets a boundary. Adolin feels insecure and Kaladin helps him through it.

Notes:

No major CWs.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Two days until the mission

 

Adolin

 

The next day, Adolin arrived at the Hearthstone clinic to find Kaladin. His boyfriend - their boyfriend - had stayed the night, enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with them, and then he’d been off to wrap up some things at the clinic. Adolin was wearing his usual uniform - he wanted to give an air of crisp respect today to make up for the expression on his face whenever he indulged in memories of last night. Yes, that’s the one, he thought, biting his lip to hide his smirk. 

The sex had been incredible - hot and new and exciting - but it had quickly become even more than that. Something had happened between Shallan and Kaladin last night. It was as though they had formed a bond, and Adolin had been honoured to be there when it happened. He had been overwhelmed by the love in their eyes as they’d shared...something special he hadn’t seen before. They had given much of their attention to each other, but after learning all they had been dealing with, and seeing what they’d shared, Adolin didn’t begrudge it. 

The night had been Shallan’s idea, so she had slept in the middle. Maybe I’ll get to have the middle next time - if there is a next time. He hoped there would be. Waking up to discover Kaladin’s warm brown eyes on him was a memory that still caught his breath and trapped it in his chest. Even better, Kaladin had slept well again, which raised Adolin’s hopes that he might start to stay over more often. Even though it had only been a few hours, Adolin missed him already, and he looked around eagerly as he entered. 

Hesina was behind her desk, a pile of paperwork in front of her, and no one else was in the waiting area. “Good afternoon, Highprince, it’s good to see you again,” she said pleasantly as Adolin entered. 

“You can call me Adolin,” he responded with a charming smile, leaning on the desk with one fist on his hip. 

“Does that mean you should call me Mother?” Hesina asked disarmingly, one eyebrow raised. Adolin blushed, and Hesina laughed. “Kaladin just finished with his last patient. He’ll be done cleaning the room soon.” She stood and grasped Adolin’s hand, a surprisingly intimate gesture, even if it was from across the desk. Well I did ask her to drop the formalities, he thought, pleased. “He seems particularly happy today," she said. "You’ll keep taking good care of him on your mission, won’t you?”

Adolin nodded, thinking they probably wouldn’t get a chance to take care of him in that particular way until after they returned. Maybe Shallan could make a Lightweaving with sound to cover us up? No, that would be a waste of Stormlight…  

A door opened down the hallway, and Kaladin poked his head out. “Adolin! I thought I heard your voice,” he said, his eyes alight with a smile. The way Kaladin almost sang his name moved Adolin’s feet even before Kaladin could invite him with words. “Come here, I want to show you something.” 

Adolin entered the room, and Kaladin closed the door behind him, trapping him against it. The taller man captured Adolin’s lips in a long kiss, his hands sliding underneath Adolin’s jacket to caress his back and shoulders. Adolin hummed with pleasure, and he offered himself up to Kaladin until he’d had his fill. Adolin could smell a mix of bitter herbs and cleaning supplies. It was distinctly Kaladin, and Adolin breathed it in eagerly. So this is what it’s like to kiss in a surgeon’s office, he thought dizzily as Kaladin’s scent infiltrated his being .  

Kaladin pulled away with one last squeeze around his waist. “I couldn’t wait,” he said earnestly. “It would have been torture to walk beside you to the tailor and all the way back to your rooms without kissing you.” 

“Torturing you is the last thing on my mind,” Adolin said with a dazed smile. This went a lot easier than the last time I was here, he thought, remembering his disastrous attempt to seduce Kal. It seemed so long ago now. He sighed happily. “Did you finish everything you wanted to do?” he asked.

Kaladin absently pulled out his hair tie and smoothed the loose strands back into order, then tied it up again. “Yeah, I think so. Lirin has everything he needs to know, and my more urgent patients will be covered.” He kissed Adolin one more time before opening the door. 

As they left the clinic, Lirin came around the corner with a determined expression. “Kaladin!” he called. “Don’t forget this!” He held out a bag.

“Oh! Thanks, Father,” Kaladin said, grabbing it from him. “I needed that.” 

Lirin regarded Adolin with a stern expression. “Highprince, you remember your oath,” he said gruffly.

“We’ll protect him, sir,” Adolin said seriously, then laughed a little inside at Lirin’s reaction to being called sir

Kaladin waved goodbye to his parents and took Adolin’s hand as they walked away. Adolin laughed, feeling like Kaladin had Lashed him lighter. There was no way to hide his bare grin now.

Adolin tried to peek in the bag, but Kaladin pulled it closed. “What is it?” Adolin asked, curious. 

“You’ll see,” Kaladin replied with a carefully crafted smirk. 

“A surprise?” Adolin wanted to force him to reveal his secret under threat of kisses, but managed to restrain himself. “Well, I’ll share mine, and then maybe you’ll share yours. I saw Jasnah this morning and we have decided on some things that I think you’ll like -” Adolin started. 

“No, Adolin,” Kaladin interrupted, suddenly serious. He shook his head. “Title, being Landed, I don’t care about that stuff. I don’t even want to think about it. The idea of owning land creeps me out, and the little I’ve learned since I became Landed has just made it worse.”

Adolin frowned. It was a great privilege to be Landed, and he had fought Dalinar, and then gone to Jasnah, to get that privilege back for Kaladin. He bristled at how much work he had done just for Kaladin to reject it now. He steeled himself and continued. “Well, we also worked on the wording for some laws that I’d like to run by you -”

Kaladin stopped and turned to Adolin. He met Adolin’s quizzical expression evenly, and squeezed his hand. “I know you’re doing this for me, and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t want you passing laws just for my benefit. Do you understand why I feel that way? Just...just do what you set out to do. Make things better for all darkeyes, not just me.”

“But changing the inheritance laws will -” 

“I really don’t want to hear it. Look, Adolin, I just want to be with you. I don’t want to be the reason why darkeyes have it a certain way.” Kaladin frowned. “I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it.” 

Adolin nodded, chagrined. He doesn’t understand what I’m doing. 

You do not know the weight of the shadow that looms over him, Maya reminded him, echoing Godeke’s words. The blade could fall anytime.

Adolin wanted to explain, but he resisted the urge to keep talking. Maybe this is what Godeke was talking about. Kaladin doesn’t want it because he thinks he could lose it, but I’m fixing that, he thought. I’m making it safe for him. 

Maya rustled in warning, and Adolin paused. Did I do what Godeke told me not to do? Jasnah and I shouldn’t be the only ones present to make those decisions. Then I did what Renarin told me not to do - ignore Kaladin’s heritage. I didn't even think to ask if he wanted it. Dalinar didn’t ask him either, he just gave it to him and he took it because he was a subordinate. Adolin looked sidelong at Kaladin, and found an unreadable frown. I swore I’d protect him from this pain, but I’ve just thrust him into it again.

Adolin looked down to find shamespren. I’ve messed it up, he thought, and sighed. I’m not made for this. I’d rather face down a Shardbearer. 

Remember Zahel’s training, Maya rustled in his mind. 

Adolin took a deep breath and thought back. To start learning, I have to start by not freezing. Keep moving. Stay alive. Then build the skills. He sighed. It’s going to be a long road, isn’t it?

I’ll be here with you. We can walk it together, Maya said from his lapel. 

Thanks, Maya . Adolin relaxed a bit. 

You didn’t mess it up. He’s still holding your hand, she said with a creaky lilt.

Kaladin caught his eye and squeezed his hand, as if he were confirming Maya’s observation. “I know you want the best for me. It’s just that I’m starting to figure out what I want, and that’s not it, but you’re helping me figure it out. That’s good for me.” Adolin felt his warm reassurance and squeezed back. You’re right, Maya, I didn’t mess it up. I’m ok. Kaladin gave him a small smile, and Adolin smiled back weakly. They started moving again.

They arrived at the tailor hand in hand. Picking up Kaladin’s Windrunning suits greatly lifted both men's moods, and they talked about Kaladin’s plans to keep improving his falling skills. As they walked back towards Adolin’s rooms, Kaladin started humming a song to himself, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. He looked lighter, not bowed with responsibility or worry or sadness. 

“You sound positively happy, Kaladin,” Adolin said. “Are you thinking about last night?” 

“Yeah. It was amazing. I might actually have fun next time.” Kaladin fell into step with Adolin. “I’m going to take you up on that offer to watch Oroden, you know.”

“So there will be a next time? That’s good.” Adolin smiled, although his heart fell a bit. He’s not saying he doesn’t want to be with me. I offered him better circumstances for being with Shallan, and they need it. I said it myself. Plus, I wanted time with Oroden. He’s trusting me with his brother. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a bit insecure, now that Kaladin and Shallan had shared…whatever that special thing was they had shared. The way she looked at him...the way he looked at her...

Adolin chuckled to cover up his insecurity. “You’re the inspiration for all of Shallan’s sex creativity. She hadn’t thought of half of the stuff we’ve done before she started courting you.” Another pang struck Adolin. Wow, this is hitting me hard. He couldn’t afford to lose Shallan. No, he wouldn’t lose Shallan. He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts away.

“Really? But you’re the one who can actually, you know, have sex with her,” Kaladin said, leaning in and lowering his voice so no one else could hear.

“No, you don’t understand. She’s really into you,” Adolin insisted. "Maybe more than me." So much for hiding your feelings, Adolin.

“It’s hard to imagine I’d be anything but second best to her. She chose you, after all,” Kaladin said. Their walk had slowed, and they stopped and looked at each other. “You won that competition,” Kaladin said seriously. Storms, he believes it. Is he feeling like this too?

Adolin swallowed and leaned against the strata of the hallway wall. In this moment, it didn’t feel like he’d won. “Only barely, and that was with her locked into a causal betrothal and my family’s ability to financially save hers.” Had his privileged position given him the edge in this duel? He couldn’t meet Kaladin’s eyes. “Even when we were already betrothed, she had a hard time choosing. The whole time I’ve been with her, she’s been looking at you. Always.” He remembered back to Shadesmar, stepping onto the upper deck of the ship and seeing the look on Shallan’s face. The conversations he’d had with Veil and Radiant. He looked down, feeling a bit sick to his stomach. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked.

Kaladin pulled him aside, into a small unlit passageway. “What is it?” he asked.

“I still feel inferior to you. You’re a better man than me. You have a way of capturing Shallan’s attention even when you’re not there,” Adolin whispered. 

Kaladin grunted, then pulled him into a hug. “I’m not a better man than you, Adolin. You’ve saved my life more than once, and you’ve given me hope for a new life that’s better than anything I could have dreamed. You saved me . You saved both of us.” He held Adolin and combed his hair with his fingers. 

Adolin leaned into it, pressing his cheek against Kaladin’s. They stood there for a moment, swaying to some imperceptible music, and Adolin basked in Kaladin’s warm body against his. His moment of insecurity passed, and he kissed the man he loved, feeling reassured. 

“I love you, Adolin,” Kaladin said. He smiled and tweaked Adolin’s chin. “If this haircut doesn’t prove the lengths I’ll go to for you, I don’t know what will.” He winked, and Adolin grinned.

“I love you too, Kaladin,” he said, pulling him close by the waist, “and thank you for doing this. I know it’s not your style .” 

“You’ve cut all my defenses away,” Kaladin responded. “I have no choice now but to submit.”

“I hope you don’t come up short ,” Adolin smirked. 

“You promised you wouldn’t!” Kaladin said with an exaggerated concern, touching the ends of his hair in mock defensiveness.

“No, I won’t,” Adolin murmured into Kaladin’s ear, his worries forgotten in his touch. He held Kaladin’s sides, his thumbs caressing the curves of his core muscles. “You’re already pretty trim .” He lost himself in the touch as Kaladin returned his affections, the sounds of their kisses the only noise in the dim hallway.

“You know, the stylist is probably already at my rooms,” Adolin murmured into Kaladin’s mouth.

“You’re paying her by the hour, aren’t you?” Kaladin said in mock accusation, and grasped the back of Adolin’s head to hold him against his lips. “You’re not getting cheap on me, are you princeling?”

“Never,” Adolin chuckled, and they kissed again. "She can wait."

Notes:

Kaladin sets another boundary and I am so proud of him! And Adolin talks about his feelings and gets some support! Another win!

Adolin is wrong about why Kaladin doesn’t want to deal with being Landed. Kaladin has been trying not to think about it, so I’m not sure if he even knows the extent of why he feels that way. I do give Adolin credit for working with what he knows, and not ignoring the uncomfortable. I think in the future they would be capable of having some harder conversations as they learn how to talk about their class differences.

Chapter 45: Gravitation

Summary:

Kaladin gets his wish. He tests out his new flying suit and spends some quality time with Syl.

Notes:

No big CWs in this chapter

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

One day until the mission 

 

Kaladin

 

Wearing his new flying suit, Kaladin stepped onto Hearthstone’s community balcony, and a brisk wind tousled his shorter hair, then let it fall back into place. He felt lighter. The haircut had gone exactly as Adolin had promised - just enough off the ends so that it didn’t tangle so much, which also happened to make it smoother for running fingers through. Kaladin was starting to suspect that was the real reason for Adolin’s request, since the storming man couldn’t keep his hands out of Kaladin’s hair when it was done. Not that Kaladin was complaining, really - the more Adolin touched him, the better he liked it. Despite that pleasure, though, something disquieting fermented softly at the back of his mind, and he could feel his shoulders tighten. 

He distracted himself by examining the flying suit. He wanted to test it out before he left, in anticipation of teaching Skar and Drehy how to use it in the future. It was a falling suit, really, but the name seemed to have stuck, and Kaladin was just about ready to give up on correcting people about the distinction anyway. The suit was made of a thick material that would resist getting wet from condensation when flying up high, and it had a flap of fabric from his wrists connecting down his side to his ankles, which Jasnah had suggested for extra manoeuvrability. The extra fabric felt awkward, but he supposed that it would just take getting used to. He spread his arms out, and the fabric pulled taut between his wrists and ankles, which Jasnah had said would give him more surface area for directing his falling. He felt like a chicken, but he wouldn’t mind looking silly if he could save on Stormlight. Taking a quick look around to make sure he wouldn’t scare anyone, he Lashed himself to the wall and stepped around to the outer wall, standing perpendicular to the Tower like the Lopen. He wanted the walking practice - working as a surgeon didn’t lend itself to Lashing himself at odd angles, and he wanted to be as prepared as possible for the mission.

As he walked, almost unconsciously changing the Lashings as he traversed the curve of the building, Syl walked through the air beside him on invisible stone. She was in the form of the havah she preferred when Kaladin was spending time with Adolin and Shallan. “So, how was it for you?” she asked. 

“You noticed?” Kaladin asked. She must have felt his unease through their bond. He thought for a moment. “I think it’s that my hair is brushing my shoulders the way it used to when I ran bridges,” he said. “It's bringing back some memories of how it felt. I’m sure I’ll get used to it though.” He rolled his shoulders to loosen them and picked up his pace.

“You could do something new - grow it out long,” Syl suggested. She flew in front of Kaladin, copied Kaladin’s form, and then elongated his hair to an elaborate length. She gazed down at him imperiously, her Kaladin-waves flowing in an invisible breeze. “Shallan will have to help you take care of it though. I don’t know why you have to wash off your human hair oil just to put different oil on, but I don’t make the rules,” she said, combing her fingers through the long locks. She had to extend her arm so she could get all the way through the ends.

“That’s a bit too long, Syl,” Kaladin chuckled.

Syl grinned. “It’ll only be a problem if the wind changes,” she said, demonstrating Kaladin’s hair comically flapping in front of his face. She parted the hair like a curtain and winked. “I used to think it was weird that you keep your hairs, but the appeal is growing on me.” 

“Oh no, not you too,” Kaladin groaned. “ Cut it out. I’ve had enough hair puns to last me a lifetime.”

Shallan and Adolin had been incorrigible with their wordplay, and their smiles were infectious. Kaladin had told them that instead of worrying about what might become of them, he would celebrate what they had accomplished. With that focus, he'd found himself immensely grateful, and in that spirit, he’d given them gifts - pairs of leather riding gloves in eight colours for Adolin, each with the glyph for Storm embroidered on the left hand, and an admittedly terrible drawing of Veil for Shallan. Adolin had been excited by the possibilities the gloves offered, and ran to the dressing room. Shallan had teared up and hugged him, and promised to keep the art private so no one knew he’d done a drawing. Somehow he knew that even though it was a bad drawing, she’d still like it. Shallan had said Veil would have liked it, too.

In return, Shallan had brought out her first draft of a scholarly report about Adolin’s Edgedancing abilities. She had excitedly shared that she’d found a way to be honest without needing to mention Kaladin or the full extent of Adolin’s Radiant powers. Adolin insisted he had gifts for them, too, but it wasn’t time yet.

Closer to Kaladin’s heart, Shallan had shown Kaladin the original drawing she’d used for the fabrial light, assuring him that she could recreate the fabrial with a slightly less priceless gem when they returned. That had eased Kaladin’s mind greatly. He hadn’t wanted to offend Shallan, but there was no way he would go near the Perpendicularity without it. The team would need it. It was a relief to know she understood. 

Syl’s voice shook Kaladin from his wandering thoughts.

“You know, when I asked how it was for you, I didn’t mean the haircut,” Syl said. “I was there for that. I meant, how did it go the other night? You haven’t said anything about it. You went there so nervous, and you came back, well, I don’t even know if relaxed is the right word. It must have gone well. I’m guessing you didn’t mess it up!” He walked around a window, and she flew past it, peeking inside as she went.

“Yeah, Syl, it went well,” Kaladin said. “You were right, of course. I didn’t mess it up.”

She beamed. “I knew it!”

“I thought I couldn’t please Shallan unless I did...a certain thing...but then it turned out I didn’t have to, and I just...I didn’t realize how much pressure I was putting on myself to try to make sure she loved me, but then it turned out she loves me anyway.” His breath caught as he said it, and he gave a choked laugh. “Syl, she loves me anyway .” He remembered the attentive look in Shallan’s eyes when she was riding him, and Adolin’s hand holding his, grounding him. In that moment he realized he could trust both of them to take their pleasure without taking from him. Not just that, but they gave to him, and he needed them, and that could feel okay. 

“She loves you anyway ? Why shouldn’t she love you?” Syl asked. “You’re a catch!”

He felt so light he skipped a step, then turned, walking backwards in front of Syl for once, and grinned at her. She took up the challenge and flew around him, and then he jumped in front of her, until he was running across the tower, the wind rushing past him. Grinning, Kaladin leaped into the air, falling up into the sky, Syl expertly following.

He dived towards the clouds, laughing. “They love me anyway!” he called out into the sky. Syl whooped. He spread his arms out, the fabric caught the wind, and he spun wildly, whooping back at Syl.

He played around with the capabilities of the suit, testing out how it could slow him down or speed him up depending on his body’s positioning. This could be really useful, he thought, making a tight loop without needing Stormlight. But would it interfere with the Sylspear? He summoned Syl and ran through some in-air drills. 

“Shallan and Adolin, they’re helping me understand the Fourth Ideal better,” he said as he practiced thrusting, adjusting his stance so the spear slid smoothly against the fabric. “I can’t be everything for either of them, but they’re ok with that. They have each other, and they have their spren, and their family and friends to help them, too. I don’t have to always be there to protect them. I can...I can relax sometimes,” he said, a small smile fighting against his determined expression. 

Kaladin, I’m so happy for you! Syl exclaimed in his mind. I know I can’t be everything for you too. I think I wanted to be the one that made you feel better, but now I know I can’t do it on my own.

Kaladin sensed the shift in her mood, and he dismissed her so he could see her face. She appeared again, wearing a flying suit identical to Kaladin’s. “Is something wrong, Syl?” he asked. 

“Well, you haven’t fought for a long time, so you don’t need me as a spear, and you can’t use me as a scalpel because I don’t cut flesh. You don’t rely on me as much anymore because you have Adolin and Shallan…” she paused, fiddling with a small blue box, then perked up again. “I’m really excited about this mission, though! Maybe I can be useful to you then!” She flapped her arms. “And we’ll get to see the Horneater Peaks!”

“You haven’t had your fill of mountains yet?” Kaladin asked, gesturing at the mountains surrounding them. The sun shone on the river below, making it sparkle.

“But the Horneater Peaks are different mountains, and we’ll be around Rock’s people, and they’ll appreciate me the way I was intended to be appreciated,” she grinned. She needs support, too, Kaladin thought. She’s here for me, but I need to be here for her. I want her to be happy.  

“You deserve that, Syl,” he said seriously. “You know, I still need you, and you’re still a big help to me. You remind me that I’m entitled to be happy. You encourage me to trust my belayers. You’re patient with me. You give me privacy.” He looked up in a gesture of supplication. “Oh, thank Honor you give me privacy, Syl.” He shook his head, smiling. 

“I’m good at keeping my word, Kaladin!” she said eagerly. “Not like those other spren.” She winked and gestured dismissively, her thumb jerking towards Urithiru. 

“You are a little piece of a god, Syl,” Kaladin smiled. “I’ll make sure we spend more quality time together. You deserve a little more worship, I think.” 

She grinned, and he slowly matched her expression. I’m so lucky to have her, he thought. Syl whooped again and flew higher at a rapid pace, and Kaladin Lashed himself upward to catch her. Cold winds whipped his face and clothing, and he flew faster, higher, owning the skies, feeling freer than he ever had before. The mountains spread out below him in a vast expanse, seeming small and insignificant from this height. With a laugh, Kaladin and Syl slowed to a peak, then fell again in a graceful double arc. Kaladin tucked in his arms and zoomed down, his eyes watering from the speed. This time, he fell not to escape pain but to race home to the place where he belonged, where people loved him even when he failed, where the door was open to him.

A feeling, like a sharp intake of Stormlight, but warm, filled his lungs until he felt his heart might burst. Syl laughed beside him. He wasn’t sure yet what this feeling was, but it was something, perhaps, he could start to trust. 

Notes:

I am so proud of Kaladin and all he has accomplished in this fic. He deserved a fun time out flying.

There's a part of me that wishes I could have done the haircut as a separate chapter, but the pacing was killing me and I think it's better this way.

There's a passage that directly links to a fun @lamaery long-haired Kaladin comic which I enjoy. Then Lamaery spoiled me again by creating fanart that matches this chapter directly. Enjoy!

A digital illustration of Syl and Kaladin by Lamaery. Kaladin is shown from the chest up, wearing a blue uniform with a thick white collar. His curly black hair falls loose to his shoulders. He has tan skin and light blue eyes. He looks upwards towards Syl, who is hovering beside him, wearing a matching uniform. Syl has extended her arm about three times longer than usual, and her hair is waving around in the breeze, even longer than her elongated arm. Sparkles shine around her hair, and Syl smiles proudly. Kal looks up at her with a skeptically amused expression, with one eyebrow raised and a smile pulling at one corner of his mouth.

Chapter 46: Departure

Summary:

Kaladin gets ready to leave. He says goodbye to his family. Adolin gives his gifts.

Notes:

No big CWs.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The day of the mission

 

Kaladin

 

In the dim blue glow of the fabrial light, Kaladin stood quietly in his room, his gaze resting on the sentimental items on his dresser. As a soldier he hadn’t wanted to remember his past, and as a slave he'd been focused on surviving the next moment, but now, he was a new man with new opportunities. He picked up the fabrial light, which had helped ease him through his anxiety nightmares the night before, and clicked it off, leaving only an outline of spherelight around the door. He pocketed the precious fabrial safely in a breast pocket, then opened his door to let more light in. He paused, then picked up Tien’s horse carving, carefully turning it over in his hands. “You stay here for safekeeping,” he said softly, and placed it in a drawer. It was too delicate for Oroden to be trusted with it yet, and he didn't want to take the chance of losing it while he was gone. As he closed the drawer, he noticed Shallan's drawing of him and Adolin that he had hidden there. He pulled it out and opened it, as he'd done many times in the last few weeks. Syl flew over to inspect it with him. 

“You were really happy, weren’t you?” she asked. 

“At the time, I would have said relieved, but, yeah, I think so,” Kaladin replied. “I loved him even then, I just didn’t know it yet. I’m glad Shallan saw it.” He moved to put it back, then hesitated. Instead, he used Adhesion to stick the drawing to the wall, wondering how it would feel if it was up there instead. Kaladin stepped back, and Tarah’s words returned to his mind - Ma ybe someday you'll learn how to be there for the living , not just for the dead.

Maybe I am learning, he thought. It still felt dreadfully vulnerable, but it wasn’t as terrifying a prospect as it used to be. Besides, he had a feeling it would ease Adolin’s mind to see it hanging, to know that Kaladin wanted him here.

That was the moment Lirin chose to enter. “Good morning, Kaladin,” he said, exceedingly casually. He pointed at the drawing as a corner came loose, then fell as the bond ran out. Kaladin caught it. “You know, I have an adhesive you could use for that,” Lirin said. He left and returned a moment later, tossing it to Kaladin. 

“Medical supplies for hanging art?” Kaladin asked wryly, an eyebrow raised. “That sounds positively wasteful.”

“I can be flexible sometimes,” Lirin said defensively. Kaladin’s other eyebrow joined the first in a surprised expression, and Lirin chuckled. “Okay, I’m learning to be a little flexible sometimes,” he corrected himself. 

Kaladin tilted his head in an approximation of his father passing judgment. “Alright then, Father, I guess I’ll let you get away with it this time,” he said with an air of paternal authority. “But don’t make it a habit.” 

Lirin rolled his eyes, and together they got the drawing affixed to the wall. “There, it’ll be there for you when you return,” Lirin said. He turned to Kaladin with a worried look. “Son, I -” he started, but Kaladin had already started hugging him. 

“You don’t have to say it,” Kaladin said. “I’ll be as safe as possible.” 

He could feel Lirin tighten his hold on Kaladin. “I can’t lose you again,” he murmured. “You’re my son. I just want you to be safe and happy.” 

HIs words touched Kaladin’s heart. Lirin really was trying. “Thanks, Father. I want you to be safe and happy too,” he said. 

He packed the last of his things, said goodbye to Hesina and Oroden, and headed to the Oathgate.

He was early, as usual, and he put down his pack and sat on it as he waited, watching the last dim greys of night retreat as a bright, glowing band of yellow and orange slowly spread across the horizon. He could feel his anxiety fade to determination as he breathed in the cool air. Surprisingly soon, he caught a glimpse of two unmistakable silhouettes approaching, and his heart skipped a beat. 

“They’re here!” Syl called out, and flew to them, zipping back and forth between Kaladin and his loves. “Shallan is wearing your style!” she laughed. What? I don’t have a style.

Once he saw her, he understood. Shallan was wearing clothing that looked suspiciously like his - a roughspun white top with brown leather trousers and boots. The only thing she was missing was the short jacket Kaladin had chosen, remembering what the experienced mountain climber had been wearing. Kaladin frowned in judgment. She did this just to get on my nerves, he thought.

She clapped her hands. “Yes, all the trouble was worth it for that frown! Look at him, Adolin!” Shallan shouted exuberantly. She ran to Kaladin and grabbed his hands. “Nice to see you, twin,” she preened, clearly revelling in his annoyance. 

He rolled his eyes, but somehow, he was having trouble maintaining his frown. “I see you’re finally coming around on practical clothing,” he said, trying to cage his smile. “What will Adolin think?”

“Adolin thinks it’s hot,” Adolin said, sauntering up at a leisurely pace. He ran his fingers through Kaladin’s hair. “You’re not so bad looking yourself, bridgeboy,” he said with a smile that sprung Kaladin’s out of its cage. 

“You too, princeling,” Kaladin blushed, patting Adolin’s arm. He looked at his hand. “Or should I say wife?” The man was only wearing one glove, the left hand with the Storm glyph embroidered on it. That’s not how I intended it to be used, Kaladin thought incredulously, but that actually looks...really good.  

“The other glove is in my pocket in case I need it,” Adolin winked, “but I thought you might like it this way. Plus, I get to feel your hair.” He started touching Kaladin’s hair again with his ‘freehand’. With him this close, Kaladin got to see the genius of his ensemble.

Adolin was wearing a uniform cut like a Kholin officer’s, but in browns and greys, with a dark brown scarf, presumably to better blend in with the landscape for their covert mission. Maya was on Adolin’s collar, a dried flower attached like a corsage to his brown uniform coat. Kaladin snorted, amused at himself for knowing the proper word. 

“See? Brown isn’t so bad,” Kaladin said, fiddling with Adolin’s scarf.

“The more time I spend with you, the more beautiful a colour it is,” Adolin said fondly. “Here, I have something for you. For both of you,” he said. “I’m incredibly proud of you both, and I’m so happy with what we’ve been able to build in a few short weeks.”

Out of his pocket he pulled a small metal object and gave it to Shallan. She held it for a moment, and an adoring smile broke out across her face. “Adolin, it’s beautiful,” she cooed. She showed it to Kaladin. It looked like a pin for her hair, and embossed on it was a crossed Sylspear and Mayablade. “I want you to know I’m dedicated to your happiness,” Adolin said, and kissed her cheek. “You make it easy, you know.”

“I love it,” she said, smiling. She showed it to Syl and Maya, who ooed and ahhed at it, and then she let Adolin affix it in her hair.

“And for you,” Adolin said, presenting a strip of white cloth to Kaladin. He took it and found a shaky chach glyph written on it in black ink. 

“It’s a glyphward,” Kaladin said with soft incredulity. He didn’t necessarily believe anymore, but Kaladin felt honoured knowing Adolin wanted him safe, and had dedicated time towards learning how to draw the glyph.

Chach to protect your soul during this mission. I want you to return whole and well,” Adolin said softly. He tied it around Kaladin’s arm, and the feeling of it secured around him felt like a protection. Adolin kissed his cheek and stepped back. 

Kaladin eased a breath, and grasped Adolin’s hand, then Shallan’s. “If I have you two to protect me, maybe I will.” Looking in the eyes of the man and woman he loved, Kaladin believed it could be possible. 

Notes:

Words cannot express how excited and sad I am to finish this, my very first fanfic. It really got away from me and I've learned a lot. I do plan to write more, and I hope future fics will be shorter! 😂

This is the end of this story, but just the beginning for the OT3. I love them and want the best for them. Maybe their sexual relationship won't last forever, but I think if Kaladin decides later on that he wants something different, they would be able to stay close friends or even transition into a beautiful QPR (queer platonic relationship).

To everyone who read this all the way through - you are a trooper and I hope you took breaks ;) Please do leave a comment and let me know what you liked, what you'd want to see more of, any ideas for future fics, etc. I'm interested to know what you think!

To everyone who commented or left kudos as I was writing this - you have a special place in my heart, and you helped motivate me to finish. Thank you so much!

If you are interested in reading more within this storyline I made a Collection of all my FTE-"canon" fics (plus one fanfic of my fanfic!). If you liked this story, check em out!

Chapter 47: Chapter Navigation

Summary:

Help to navigate the chapters.

Chapter Text

If you're looking for a short read, here are my favourite chapters:
5 Diagnosis: light and funny Kadolin flirting
28 An Informal Celebration: fun and it gets NSFW at the end
31 The Mountain Climber: my attempt at a Wit story
45 Gravitation: the ultimate Kaladin & Happiness chapter

Smut chapters:
Adolin/Shallan: 4 Marriage Bed, 38 A Quick Break
Kaladin/Adolin: 16 Giving Control, 24 Abrasion, 28 An Informal Celebration
Shallan/Kaladin: 22 Stormblessed
Kaladin solo: 13 Taking Control
Shallan solo: 17 Coming to the Truth
OT3: 29 Plans, 40 Punishment, 43 Adhesion

Characters:
Renarin: 2 Perspective, 19 Revelations, 21 Hollow, 42 A Walk in the Park
Dalinar: 2 Perspective, 27 A Formal Celebration, 30 A Family Affair, 41 Father Son Talk
Jasnah: 7 A Lie, 27 A Formal Celebration, 30 A Family Affair
Wit: 31 The Mountain Climber
Navani: 18 Mother Daughter Talk, 30 A Family Affair
Hesina: 12 Privacy
Lirin: 23 Stormstressed, 45 Gravitation
Oroden: 20 Declaration, 42 A Walk in the Park
Gavinor Kholin: 42 A Walk in the Park
Rlain: 42 A Walk in the Park
Godeke: 39 Edgedancing
Lift: 39 Edgedancing
Szeth: 37 Stormwall

Chapters that include art:
5 Diagnosis
23 Stormstressed
28 An Informal Celebration
45 Gravitation