Life isn’t perfect. Everyone should know that. It’s not easy falling for your best friend, especially when you know they will never feel the same way. But what makes it harder is knowing that no one lives forever. The life I was living was perfect but when I found out the news it was hard to take. It really was. I guess this is how the whole thing went…
Her stark black leather jacket fell over her white shirt and hung loosely from her shoulders. I had never seen someone so alluring. Her blonde hair was cascading down her back in loose waves. Her blue eyes were full of life and rested behind her black rimmed glasses that were perched on her freckled nose. Ripped black jeans covered her legs and black converse were on her feet. She was bobbing her head slightly to the soft music that echoed around the room as she sat, her legs crossed, on the windowsill.
She was impeccable and her name was Kara.
Her outfit was completely opposite to my own. I sat in denim jeans and a red and black flannel. My pale skin held no freckles and my dark brown hair was neither as long or as wavy as Kara’s. Compared to her blue eyes full of life, I had simple green eyes with slight specks of blue and brown here and there.
I roll the sleeves of my flannel up. Hastily, I wipe my brow and run a hand through my unkempt hair. Heaving my textbook from the floor I let out a grunt. I hear a thump come from the windowsill and I wonder what Kara could have possibly managed to do. Looking to my right, what I saw wasn’t what I thought I would ever have to behold.
Hospital waiting rooms are miserable. It doesn’t help when you are sitting in one because your best friend collapsed right beside you. My cheeks were smeared with dried tears and my nose feels jammed. I let out a long, shallow breath and try to calm myself down.
Everything feels hazy and vague. People walk past rather quickly and I let out a sigh. What had happened? Was there something I missed? Will she be okay?
The same questions ran through my head like someone had set them on fire. I don’t know how long I sat there for but it felt like forever but it also felt like only seconds had passed since Kara had collapsed. I noticed a presence in front of me and could only hope that it was her. But I knew better. Looking up I saw a nurse standing there. Offering a small smile, she mentioned for me to come forward and follow her.
Rising from the uncomfortable seat I sat in I took small steps towards the room Kara was in. The corridors seemed to be getting longer and longer. My breathing pattern became uneven. I had never been this terrified for myself or someone in my life before.
The nurse came to a halt outside the room I could only assume held her. What I heard when I walked into the room made me wish I could go back in time and change everything.
It’s been two months since I found out Kara had cancer. I sit in the same tree house with the same best friend beside me. This time I know it’s different, this time I know she only has six months to live. Placing my arm around her fragile shoulders we rock side to side to the beat of the soft music playing in the background. Anxiety overcomes my brain and ricochets around my skull. What will I do without her? Why her? Why? Why? Why?! I feel a tear slip down my check. I soft hand wipes it away. I glance to Kara. She has a soft smile on her face but I know she is only trying her best to comfort me.
Her once vibrant blonde hair was no more. The life in her blue orbs had dimmed. I know it was getting harder for her each day but I also know she will persist. She always does.
“I don’t want to leave either, but I have no choice. Just know I’ll miss you Lena.” Those words dug at my heart. Those words broke me. Nuzzling my head into the crook of her neck I cried. There was no point holding it in any longer. She was going to die and part of me was going to die with her.
The coolness and audacity of the solid white wall behind me brings a sense of heartache. She was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. My insides are like debris and my heart is in utter mayhem. The same thoughts run around my head as they did when we sat together in my treehouse only months ago.
What will I do without her? Why her? Why? Why? Why?!
I place my hand over my mouth and let out a muffled scream. I feel the tears roll down my face. I never got to tell her how I felt.
She’s gone and will never know.
I place my head on top of my knees and sob. I don’t care for the sympathetic looks that are thrown my way by various people. I try to stop the water works but with no luck I stand up and sway slightly. I’ll miss her but there is nothing I can do now.
The funeral was hard to witness. As they lowered the coffin I couldn’t watch. I turned my back and cried. Many arms tried to comfort me but none did anything to make me feel even slightly better. As soon as they started to bury her, I had to leave. I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I still had university to finish and I had to make it through the rest of my life knowing that part of me was gone. My best friend. Someone I loved. She was dead.
And she was never coming back…
It’s been a year since I lost Kara. I’m starting to come to turns with the fact I will never see her blonde hair ever again. Never see her youthful blue eyes that were always so full of life. Never see the dimples that appeared when she smiled. Never hear her laugh and never ever will I be able to hug her, make her feel better when she felt down and joke around with her like we did when we were kids.
I know, I’ll never get to see my Kara again.