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Published:
2021-03-03
Updated:
2023-09-24
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23,861
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7/?
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Fallacies and Certainties

Summary:

Andréa Martel is avoidable and predictable chaos.
A Tax and Talent Agent are a terrible idea.
The cheap flamingo pool incident proves that.
Colette Brancillon falls in love again anyway.
CW: Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Notes:

I am obsessed with this show and couple in lockdown.
It was my birthday yesterday this is the present to myself.
If anybody reads tiny fandom, please be gentle I am dyslexic.

Chapter Text

 

"There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. 

If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. 

What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognised. What we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. what we can't understand we call nonsense. What we can't read we call gibberish.

There is no free will. 

There are no variables." 

― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 

Andréa Martel is avoidable and predictable chaos. 

 

Colette Brancillon is somebody who adores order and routine. Her earliest childhood memories involve creating sequences and systems for her toys; there was enough uncertainty in her home life that numbers become a refuge. Colette was a dream student largely because she found the routine of classes, homework and exams. Something is soothing about applying knowledge and nervous energy to a problem that will always have a predictable result. There is little doubt that her professional career will involve structuring analytics in some way. Colette didn't need the mandatory career days, but she went anyway. 

 

Tax and auditing work is far from Paris's most glamorous; people using give her a wide berth and non-official parties. However, that was never going to be a realistic lifestyle for her anyway. Colette knows that companies dread her interventions and reviews, but there are rules to follow, and you can't exempt just because of weather investors or charming staff. Colette hears about every excuse in the book and every possible charm offence to deflect her ultimate findings. Even though she is still comparatively young, her reputation is solid, and her bosses are happy with her work. 

 

Discovering that she is a lesbian is not a big deal or a problem in her daily life. Being an introverted gay woman in Paris's business districts is more of a sticking point for Colette. Colette is open about her desire to settle down and start a family. This fact is not an attractive opening gambit on the internet dating sites that her friends make her sign up. She doesn't have stamina's temperament for casual hook-ups or one night stands; a few embarrassing attempts prove that beyond any doubt. Andréa Martel and her blatant desires are the rules rather than the exception. To give Andrea her due, she doesn't pretend to be anything other than what she is, glamorous and everything orbits her universe. 

 

Andrea Martel well and truly broke her heart, as she promised to do from that first online chat when insults about 'little girls' were flying around. Colette's checks still burn at the memory, and she still can't log on to the dating site. 

 

It is not like she is completely without opportunity for a social life. Her friends always offer to set her up with lawyers, doctors or bankers; they all encourage her to get back to it.' Colette is done pretending that her heart wasn't broken by the failure with the glamorous woman on the top floor. Colette is determined to heal in her own way, with lots of running and few spreadsheets for fun. 

****

 

Andrea surprises her by repairing in her life at all. 

 

Their breakup was as brutal as it was efficient, if sad and emotional. Colette didn't trust this glamorous woman who treats seduction and boundaries like a personal challenge, not to break her heart. The tax agent tries to ignore the fact she sheds tears over Andrea Martel whether they are in a relationship or not. It isn't surprising to see her at the bar picking up a woman so casually. Running out of there like a broken-hearted teenager is not Colette's finest hour, but they shouldn't stand to watch the aftermath. The gay and lesbian community is large enough that they might manage to avoid enough with any luck. 

 

"Why are you telling me this? I don't understand?" Colette starts to jog in place as if she outrun the pain. 

 

"Come and have coffee with me, let me try and explain everything, please?" Andrea sounds as close to begging as anybody like her can. 

 

In all her vague scenarios about reunions with this woman, none of them involves her being sweaty after a more annoying run than challenging. One of the plus sides of being a lesbian is that your odds of walking into pregnant ex are significantly less. Colette still feels that jealousy and rage think that somebody like Andrea can accidentally fall into a situation like this when having children has been Collette's dearest dream for years. 

 

"I don't know...Andrea. We weren't very good at talking."

 

Andrea looks so close to the verge of tears that Colette stops whatever she is about to say, not that it would make sense anyway. She never got leave a beautiful woman in distress. 

***

 

Andrea attracts her by being humble and kind. 

 

"For an agent to the stars, you are horrible at marketing yourself; why is that? If you were actively trying to prove that we were incompatible, the list couldn't be any longer." Collette muses she is more curious than angry. 

 

Collette is nervously twirling her pasta around her fork. They are having dinner at Andrea's apartment, their second in the week. Colette doesn't imagine that the talent agent's schedule has gotten any less hectic. Yet, her former lover seems ready and available to text or have a quick coffee or lunch. Their conversations are light and breezy, but the spectre of their previous relationship hangs in the air. 

 

"I seem to lose all my game around you, all my swerve sophistication, it took me years to build up after leaving my home town." Andrea complains before reaching for another fry. 

 

"I don't like your games, even when you were pretending to be a rock climber." Collette says quietly, struggling to keep her voice even.  

 

Collette knows she isn't doing a particularly good job of selling herself either. Her friends are strident in their advice that she next to take command of the situation, be forceful and adamant about not giving an inch. The problem is that conflict in her personal life is something that the tax agent tries desperately to avoid, especially in the Parisian lesbian dating scene. It always takes her days to fill out those dating profiles because its hard to put a positive spin on being a shy numbers geek with little experience. 

 

"Do you want to know why I am so upfront on those dating profiles, about wanting to settle down, even people response the way you do?" Colette asks, her voice quiet and a little reflective. 

 

"Because you have more emotional maturity in your little pinkie than I will in a lifetime, a tax agent who likes things to exist within definite boundaries?" Andrea asks gently, trying to encourage a smile. 

 

"I can't have children of my own; endless tests and medical appointments couldn't make that reality any different from me; even if I were to try 100 times, there would be no 'miracle baby' beating of the odds for me. This fact is fitting, considering I spend my life rallying against anomalies, right?" Colette sounds brittle, and the smile doesn't reach her eyes. 

 

"Oh, Colette, come here."  

 

In way it is a relief to start telling the whole story, Andrea is tactful enough not to make any comforting suggestions or try and make things better, there is no magic wand for the great agent to wave. Colette talks until her voice goes try and then she lies down with her head in Andrea’s lap, the story is emotionally draining and Colette feels herself start to fall asleep.

***

 

Andrea charms her by opening up about the reality of the situation. 

 

"I will be a terrible mother, surely you above all, can agree to that? I can barely keep a relationship alive outside the people who receive salaries to be around me." Andrea reaches over and steals another chip. 

 

"I don't accept your premise on such weak evidence. You didn't put any real effect into being in a relationship with me once you had proven our sexual compatibility beyond any doubt; being a mother by default necessitates effort. You manage to keep a revolving door of actors alive and ASK afloat." Colette points out logically. 

 

Strangely Andrea reels as if the words have struck her; nothing is particularly new in the statement. Their relationship was on fire practically since that first night together and the litany of ex-girlfriends. Still, Andrea's eyes start to fill with tears, but she doesn't say a word in protest or try to spin a different narrative. She merely stares into her coffee cup for a long moment before gesturing to the waiter for the cheque. 

 

"Maybe it's the rush of pregnancy hormones or the stress of my new boss, but somehow my priorities are starting to shift. The endless parties with nameless actress start to feel hollow." Andrea muses quietly. 

 

"The poor little rich girl cliche, like Coco Chanel?" Colette tries to tease gently. 

 

"She did a lot more than wow the world with her wit, charm and beauty as did Audrey Hepburn, for that matter. " Andrea challenges something steely in her gaze. 

 

"I knew that, though I can say so for noble reasons, my crush on Audrey was borderline embarrassing; my parents knew where my inclinations lay long before I had the language to express desire." Colette confesses the blush was creeping up her checks. 

 

"Oh, that is adorable." 

 

"Don't you have an industry party or some premiere date to chase? Award session is a particular type of busy for ASK, Judging from the items on your expense sheets? Seeing you twice in three consecutive weeks is a rarity." Colette asks, trying to keep the accusation from her voice. 

 

"Am I wearing out my welcome?" Andrea asks cautiously before taking a snip on non-alcoholic wine. 

 

"No, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop before my pride takes another bantering at any overgrown pool party with fake flamingos." Colette cannot help but shudder at the memory. 

 

"I like our party of two, soon to be three. Come, let's find an Audrey Hepburn marathon. All my expensive or free subscription service must be good for me something." Andrea struggles to find the remote. 

 

Colette wants to protest and get some clarity about the situation. Instead, she snuggles down into space beside Andrea. It feels comforting to rest her head on Andrea's shoulder, waiting for the movie to start. It takes a second to realise Andrea is stroking her hair and humming softly, either to Collette or the baby. 

****

 

Andrea frustrates her by ignoring both their history and her expanding belly. 

 

That's not entirely true; Andrea Martel is infinitely respectful and cautious when they spend time together, lunch, coffee and dinner. She is still charming, confident and intelligent but doesn't use these characteristics and tools for seduction. The conversation ranges from work to weather to their contrasting childhoods. The type of dates that Colette dreams about and never thought would be an option with this glamorous creature. However, these lovely interludes are not sustainable, not with the baby growing every day. Colette tries not to mark each week, but there is a colour coding in her diary. 

 

"Are you going to start getting the nursey ready?" Colette asks cautiously. 

 

"I am far too busy at work to consider remodelling. He/She is perfectly happy sitting on my bladder for now." Andrea dismisses. 

 

Somehow they end up going to buy Andrea new maternity clothes during the weekend. Naturally, the senior agent wants to look glamorous even when she can no longer fit her normal outfits. Colette intends to look for budget items, reasoning that babies are expensive. Her companion will not hear of it; they move from Paris high street to the exclusive stores. Collette feels nervous about the evening being there in her jeans. 

 

"Still, your gorgeous minimalist apartment isn't going to hold up to one week when the baby arrives. You can't drag this out like a contract negotiation; there are deadlines and expectations." Colette points out, smiling at a particularly cute outfit. 

 

"Does it bring up bad memories being here? with crowds of mothers to be?" Andrea asks, placing a gentle on her shoulder, her voice sounding tight. 

 

"Not any more, I like supporting you and watching things happen. There are different ways for me to still have my dreams." Collette leans into the touch affectionately. 

 

"Well, the baby owes you a debt for making me a better pregnant woman." Andrea confirms gratefully, hesitating to place a gentle kiss on her cheek. 

 

They still haven't built up to a genuine conversation about the state of their relationship, Andrea is the centre of Colette's social life, but that fact isn't saying much. The pregnant agent is making an effort to remember important things to her, even attending a few social gatherings. She doesn't appear to have one eye constantly on her phone or moving restlessly whenever it rings. 

 

Collette does not have the slightest desire for anyone else and is fiercely protective of both mother and daughter. At the same time, she doesn't dare to articulate that fact to any meaningful degree. For once, Colette doesn't want to disrupt the illusion with any painful truths. 

***

 

Andrea haunts her even when she promises to stay away and Collette space before jetting off to the Caines Film Festival. 

 

"Maman, do you think I am foolish?" Investing my heart in such a person? We couldn't be more different." Collette asks, pacing around the living room. 

 

"Yes, Darling, but you wouldn't be the first to make a risky gamble for love. It seems this time around, your talent agent recognised what she threw away, yes? You wouldn't be tangling yourself up in knots if it was the same pattern. But I can't make the risk assessment for you, I'll be here either way." her mother pulls her into a fierce hug. 

 

"That baby already has my heart. I don't have enough evidence to know that she won't break my heart again, complete with publicity and glitter," Colette whispers against her mother's shoulder. 

 

"The pain of knowing the truth for sure is more sustainable than putting your life on hold for this state of limbo. You are only going to love this woman and her baby more as the weeks pass. It's better to be honest with her now and see where things lay." her mother whispers soothingly. 

 

"I am not brave or brush. I hate those movies were people chase others down and pour their hearts."

 

"You were always braver than you believe; besides, there is no law that says you can't talk to her quality and privately. There is no need to do anything public." her mother says confidently. 

 

 

Collette feels more than a little childish, collapsing into her mother's arms again, confessing to being lovesick over the same woman who broke her heart last time. At the same time, her Maman is the strongest point in her life foundation; not confiding in her wasn't an option. The older Brancillon trusts her daughter implicitly in adulthood and doesn't offer her own opinions beyond a natural protectiveness. Their bond is unshakable, even though the many highs and lows of Colette's anxiety and unsettling teenage years. Her mother was with her for every fertility appointment and disappointment. 

 

"I'll talk to her when she gets back from the festival, presuming she hasn't run away with Juliet Binoche or something equally dramatic." Collette resolves with a sigh. 

 

"Your father and I will be here for you, either way, Darling Girl. You are a wonderful daughter, and we are both so proud of you and the life in Paris. Now go and get cleaned up; doing anything on an empty stomach isn't sensible." the advice turns particularly motherly. 

***

 

"I want to take this journey with you." 

 

Colette Brancillon is not a brave person. She always prefers the saver option if given a choice; that's the main reason she walks away after the first romantic gesture outside ASK Headquarters. What Collette wants from life is a solid foundation. It was impossible to understand all those movies where people lay everything on the line, often in a public place. The thought of such a prospect usually makes Collette break out in a cold sweat, yet here she is, Andrea Martel's doorstep taking a massive risk. 

 

"What do you mean?" Andrea asks, her voice sounding bone tired. 

 

Her former lover looks nothing like the glamorous agent who counts Juliet Binoche as a confidante. She looks pale, tired and more than a little nauseous. Naturally, fair skin is looking sickly, and there are dark circles under the remnants of expensive makeup. Collette resists the urge to reach out and ask her if she is eating properly and when was the last time she got a full night sleep. 

 

"I love you, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I want to raise the baby you aren't so sure about, taking care of you and being here when you get home after a long night at work. Taking risks is something I hate, but missing this chance would haunt me for the risk of my life." Collette sucks in a frantic breath. 

 

Andrea stares at her as if frozen on the spot; Collette wonders if the Cains parties were particularly wild or Andrea was figuring out a way to let her down gently. Collette has terrible visions of Andrea swanning off with some charming director who speaks seven languages. For all, she knew the father might want to be in the picture with this latent bisexuality thing. Collette wills herself not start panicking and remember the first girl she ever asked out on a date. 

 

"Whatever nightmare scenario about me and models from Brazil you are thinking about, please stop. Come here and kiss me." Andrea, her voice sounding hoarse as if she smokes 20 packs a day. 

 

Collette rushes forward, feeling slightly unsteady on her feet. Andrea cradles her face and brings their lips together for a gentle, almost chaste kiss. It is impractical for a whole host of reasons for them to tumble into bed together for a wild night of passion. Andrea looks like a stiff breeze will knock her over, and her eyes are glittering with unshed tears and indefinable emotions. 

 

"This is by far the most surreal moment of my life, and I spent most of Saturday helping Juliet with a wardrobe and bladder malfunction. I genuinely did try routine business as usual, complete with a random woman from various sources." Andrea starts to chatter as if trying to fill up the silence.  

 

Collette gently leans her companion towards the coach, moving around the still comforting space with confidence and ease. Andrea tumbles rather gracelessly down; Collette sits down and rearranges their limbs. There is always comfort in catching a hint of that expensive perfume or the sweep of Andrea's impressive and theatrical eyebrows. Her body is going under the profound change of pregnancy, shape and presence. Collette resists the urge to touch her stomach as if that is the final line to cross. 

 

"My favourite date of the last few was with Fabrice Luchini, a man in his 60s as we compare heartbreaks. We said on the balcony watching the streets. He was a little spellbound as I waxed lyrical about your every feature, from your hair to the exact colour of your eyes. It was a little mortifying but lovely." Andrea confesses tenderly, running a hand through the locks in question. 

 

"It's a little bit daunting to know that my attributes, physical or otherwise, were the subject of conversation between two such connoisseur of the topic." Collette says drily as she snugs closer. 

 

"I love you, and I want the chance to prove that there can be more than just dramatic gestures, breakups and makeups. The way I was doing things before, at least with relationships, wasn't sustainable for me or especially the baby. The little moments are just as important as the breath taking ones that feel like a rollercoaster; that's what you taught me." Andrea whispers, her voice now think with an impossible and improbable mix of emotion. 

 

"I think we can be strong enough for that together." 

 

Colette resists the urge to offer a romantic proposal or find a ring, they have enough time for both the little and big moments.