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Other Words for Desperation

Summary:

They say a love borne out of desperation would never amount to true love. Seungkwan is about to prove them wrong.

Seungkwan, 26, virgin, never been touched and never been dated, turns to online dating sites as ill-advised by Chan; there he meets the ultimate daddy, Chwe Hansol, 45.

 

Spotify playlist for the fic is linked in the Author's Notes.

Notes:

Oh hey, another fwb-turned-lovers fic only now it’s a lot angstier and a lot more mature coz it’s sugar baby Kwannie and sugar daddy Sol. Before you read this, please understand that while there is a huge age gap between Seungkwan and Vernon in this fic, SEUNGKWAN IS A FULLY CONSENTING ADULT. Vernon here as an older person did not coerce Seungkwan nor groomed him. They just met at a time where their biggest roadblock is the age between them. And considering that Seungkwan here is already an adult, that is fully within his choice if he wanted to pursue anything.

For the minors who stumble upon this fic, me writing this fic does not mean I encourage this kind of relationship. My main goal here is to portray a kind of relationship that is typically frowned upon in society and shed some light on the more human aspects of it. I REPEAT, I DO NOT WANT ANY OF YOU TO MODEL YOUR FUTURE LOVE LIVES OR RELATIONSHIP ON A GAY FF ON AO3. This is just for illustrative purposes.

Also, here's a mood playlist for the fic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78eW6VJFlv0k5y1fxDVuO4?si=81fb0502aa9a437a

The sections were all written with these songs in mind so it'd be quite the experience.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

drowning. - Eden Project

Seungkwan hated Justin Bieber. 

Or maybe not Justin Bieber, maybe this is Shawn Mendez. Whatever, fuck you JBiebz. You just lost a belieber. 

Justin Bieber, because of course, it was Justin Bieber and not Shawn Mendez, continued to belt out his plea of “That Should Be Me” and Seungkwan could barely refrain himself from crushing the cup in his hands. Straight across him was the vilest sight his eyes ever laid on.

Kim Mingyu, in all his 6 ft and 2 inches glory, had his large, solid hands softly caressing Xu Minghao's hair while he whispered what Seungkwan hoped were inane photography tips. His long legs were obnoxiously spread open, almost crowding the painter's space but Minghao looked like he didn't mind. The photographer's entire presence could fill up a room so Seungkwan can forgive him for manspreading that way. He gulped, that son of a bitch was just so damn beautiful and he knew it so well too. 

He hastily threw back his cup of vodka cranberry and greedily emptied it out. Mingyu was still whispering into Minghao's ears and instead of being brushed away like he had hoped, the artist had closed his eyes, smiled impishly and turned to face the lead photographer. And now they were so close to each other; if Seungkwan only had the courage to approach them, he was pretty sure he would have seen an imprint of Mingyu on Minghao's face - and woah.

Fuck Justin Bieber, indeed.

Because now Mingyu's lips were a breath away from Minghao's and Seungkwan prayed so hard that the inevitable would not happen but alas. Minghao, for all his quiet posturing, was a man of determination; because he saw the opportunity and took it. 

Radio static filled Seungkwan's ears as Minghao surged forward and captured the lips that Seungkwan has coveted for years. In the middle of Jeon Wonwoo's lame ass promotion party, the two began to taste and try the waters, before fully inhaling each other as if oxygen could not be found anywhere else and ignored the fact that their entire department including their bosses were present. 

The static receded only to turn into underwater echoes of the loud playlist that Seokmin has been blasting out as the cup fell from Seungkwan's hold. The hollow sound perfectly hidden by the horrible mixing of Seokmin's voluntary DJ-ing. Somewhere in his mind was a yelp of indignation at the unconscionable littering but all he could focus on was how he had stopped breathing and how long he could hold his breath like this.

And then thoughts came rushing at him, all while the scene in front of him played out like a poor excuse for softcore porn. How did he look? Did he look like he was still breathing? Was his face twitching? Why couldn't he take his eyes off them?  How can Mingyu and Minghao be so shameless? Has Mingyu ever thought of Seungkwan that way? Had he ever, in his times of boredom, ever thought of holding Seungkwan close, and fitting themselves like a nut and bolt? Was he having a breakdown?

He swallowed thickly, squeezed his eyes shut and took a long, and deep inhale. When he opened them, he felt his heart stumble because Mingyu had his unreadable eyes on him. 

But that was all the confirmation Seungkwan needed; he was, indeed, having a breakdown.

 

 

There was a rough grip on his elbow that was too strong to fight against so Seungkwan let himself be pulled out of the room and the vacuum that he seemed to be in. The image of his heartbreak was indelible in his mind as he trudged through the packed duplex yet he was still grateful to the heavens that someone was sent to distract him from the very bad trip he was in. He has never taken drugs in his life, but he was sure that if ever he had one of those mythical bad trips, Mingyu making out with another person in front of him would unquestionably make the shortlist of the urbandictionary definitions.

Still reeling from the sucker punch that was Mingyu being irrevocably unattracted to him, Seungkwan never realised that he was now at the farthest point away from the fantastic couple. It was only when he felt the sticky vinyl of the mobile bar against his forearms that he disassociated just enough to figure out who his God-given saviour was. 

"Hyung! Order an old fashioned for me will you?"

It was Lee Chan. His office hubby, his favourite rival at work, and he was loath to admit it but Lee Chan was also the closest person to him in the past six years. The younger one was someone he met and hated during their initial introduction as interns in the same company, but throughout time, they grew closer. After sharing the same workload and finding commonalities in their work ethos and life philosophies, Chan has burrowed himself into Seungkwan's life enough to know when to treat Seungkwan with kid gloves or not. 

"Order it yourself, I don't make money for your alcohol consumption," Seungkwan bit back. He hoped that his retort would shake off the intense look in Chan's eyes but he was pretty sure that it lacked real heat.

Chan, predictably, just rolled his eyes at him. The account manager tsked and none too gently, shoved Seungkwan away from the bar. "This is the last time hyung," he said with a rakish grin before turning to wave down the college-looking kid tending to the poor excuse of a bar. "One old fashioned and a vodka cran."

The bartender kid smiled tightly at them before turning back to make their drinks. It only took a few minutes to get their drinks ready and Chan made a huge show of paying for both. Seungkwan pouted, but accepted both Chan's tirade of this being the only time that Seungkwan would be able to scam him of his money, and the vodka cran. They didn't stick around the bar for too long and Chan forcefully dragged Seungkwan outside the house and into Wonwoo's surprisingly deserted yard.

The yard was poorly lit and even more poorly maintained. There were bald patches of green everywhere and a small shed-esque structure standing in the far corner. In the middle of the sorry place was a round metal table with two matching metal chairs that looked very uncomfortable. Out here, the sounds from the house were muffled and though Justin Bieber has been replaced by some unknown edm, all Seungkwan could hear in his head was the tiny, little, pre-teen voice of melodramatic longing accompanying the zoetrope of Mingyu and Minghao.

He sniffed soundlessly.  No wonder, people didn't want to hang out back here, it was just so sad .

Chan went to the table set and sat himself down on one of the chairs. He turned to look at Seungkwan expectantly and raised a brow. "Well?"

Seungkwan sighed, but lugged himself nonetheless to the non-ergonomic chair and then started complaining. "I can't believe Jun hyung wasn't able to trick Wonwoo into making this thing open bar."

Chan only hummed in between his sips of the old fashioned. "Well, the hyungs got a priority now," he said. "You didn't hear it from me, but I heard hyung’s proposing soon."

"Wow," Seungkwan offered blankly, for some reason, he couldn't muster up excitement for this particular tea. "That sucks."

Chan widened his eyes in affront and Seungkwan belatedly realised just how it sounded like. 

"No, no, no I didn't –"

Seungkwan wanted to explain himself, not entirely sure about how he would get out of this, but Chan was already waving his hands dismissively. 

"No, you know what sucks hyung? It's finding the love of your life exchanging saliva with someone else in public," Chan shot back callously, with insulting air quotes around “Love of your life.”

Seungkwan frowned heavily. Well, I guess tonight the kid gloves come off. "Tell me what you really think, Channie-yah, I don't think I've quite gotten it yet."

Chan shifted to make himself more comfortable on the hideous, cold chair only to fail hilariously and sigh with exasperation. Seungkwan found a small joy in the younger's failure, but it soon dissipated into anxiety when Chan turned and pointed a finger at him. "Hyung do you truly believe you love Mingyu? Isn't it just a really powerful like that you have for him?" 

Seungkwan almost choked on his drink; swallowing roughly he huffed and puffed himself up to his full seated height. Edging closer to Chan, he vehemently hissed. 

"How dare you? I could literally-- No. I literally felt my heart crack at their display. How could you even," he paused, the hissing was hurting his throat and he was quickly losing the steam. He wanted to keep going but the indignation has given way to a hot, rolling shame at the sudden realization of his irrational anger at Chan. His voice became just a tad softer as he continued on. "I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing."

Chan sank back on his chair and raised his hands up in apology but he didn't look too contrite. Placing down his own drink on the edge of the table, he took a deep breath and sighed. "Hyung, I don't want to invalidate what you've been feeling for Mingyu. I just want to nudge you into re-evaluating what you're feeling. Are you sure you've fallen in love with someone you barely talked to and only got glimpses on in brief management and progress meetings?"

Seungkwan didn't answer. He refused to let Chan minimize what he was feeling for the past few months. Sure he didn't know Mingyu that well, but was it so bad to love someone in bits and pieces? That was still love isn't it? 

"You and I don't have the same definitions of love and that's ok. I don't need to subscribe to your thinking the same way you don't have the right to question me on mine."

"Look hyung, I'm just getting you to see it from another perspective," Chan tried again.

Seungkwan could tell that Chan was considering softening the blow but he couldn't care less. Right now, he was torn between wishing he had gotten a straw from the bar so he could noisily slurp out his drink or wishing he would black out so he wouldn't have to hear Chan speak again. 

"I get that you're hurting and everything sucks right now, but if you're this torn over Mingyu, a complete stranger to you, then maybe you should think hard on love."

"What?!" Seungkwan goggled, confused. This was what he has always hated with Chan; Chan strung his sentences along like a kid expecting to be followed by a nanny and he talks about all the corners and turns and sometimes the guy just talked too much nonsense. "It's so weird how you first told me to rethink love then say in the same breath that I should think hard about it. So, what do you really want me to do?"

Chan picked up his cup again and took a big sip before continuing undeterred. "I know you hyung. Tonight’s just gonna be the start of your spiral. You always have those spirals when things don't go your way. So I'm here with a suggestion for you."

"What are you suggesting?" Seungkwan asked as he munched on the ice of his drink, already tired of this conversation and a bit chagrined at Chan’s call-out. The younger account manager had a point; historically, Seungkwan had gotten into deep and shitty but functional funks after being disappointed at life. He couldn't help it, that was his nature, but he liked to believe that even when he was down in the dumps, he was still able to function normally. Sometimes, he even did better at work.

"I'm suggesting you rethink the idea of love for now. Don't make it about how the next crush you will have would definitely have to spend the rest of their lives with you. Take it easy, hyung. Whatever's disappointed you before, you always would get into these obsessive corrective little actions, and you may be functional on the outside, but I know you're completely freaking out over every little thing."

Caught red handed, Seungkwan thought. Huh, Chan really does know me.

"So what do you actually suggest I do?" Seungkwan returned impatiently. 

“You don't want me to mope around, and I sure as hell know you wouldn't like it if I suddenly schedule back to back pilates sessions right after work so what do you suggest I do so I can deal with this?" he asked shrilly. He sat back on his seat in a disappointed slump and looked out to the brick wall in front of them. 

For a whole minute, Chan was thankfully quiet. They continued sipping on their drinks; marinating in some sort of a tense silence. It went on until Chan finished his whiskey with a noisy slurp and determinedly placed his empty cup on the table. Seungkwan didn’t pay him any mind.

"You're a virgin, right, hyung?" 

Seungkwan took his eyes off the wall and narrowed them at him. 

Yes Chan, he thought derisively, tell the entire world how much of a loser virgin I am at 26. As if Mingyu needed anymore reasons to find me unattractive.

He threw his hands up in the air. "What does that have to do with anything?" 

"Well, you know what they say," Chan wiggled his brows. "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

When We Were Young - Lost KingS, Norma Jean Martine 

See, Seungkwan never really intended to save himself for marriage. Since same-sex marriage was out of the table for Korea right now, saving himself would only be for naught.  He wanted the sex, and he was curious about the sex, but the sex had never visited his household. Nope, in the years since he has discovered gay porn, gay sex had claimed itself elusive.

Apart from the inability for the sexy times, Seungkwan also had the misfortune of being a complete fool in love. He has always fallen so easily in love and he blamed his sisters for that personality defect. All those years of growing up surrounded by romantic notions of true love and affection taught him one thing; and that was the belief that it was not a shame to be in love with something or someone else. He watched his parents fall in love everyday, and his sisters fall for suitors both bad and good. Despite the fact that not all the romantic relationships that his sisters partook in ended sweetly, he has also seen his sisters pick themselves back up and continue to love on like they've never experienced heartbreak. 

Surely enough, he followed the same path; only he hasn't completely had the courage of dating any of his prospective paramours openly. It was what fear of being outed does to a person. He loved greatly, but loved only from afar. It was difficult for him to show affection when majority of his brain space was taken up by a daily issue of how not to be bullied for being gay. 

Given all of the above, it was only natural that Seungkwan was kind of a dud at love. An idealistic romantic who was too afraid to actually be in a relationship. He was always in want, but he never actively pursued anyone out of fear. He wasn’t even sure what he actually feared.

So, when Chan suggested online dating for the fun of it, Seungkwan was confused. How could he even try and get any pleasure from online dating if he knew it wouldn't amount to anything long-term? Had he not just experienced the sadness of the reality that he might just end up alone? But no, Chan said it will be fine. And it will make him rethink love in a new way. 

And yet, Seungkwan knew that deep inside him, he would never change his mind about loving.

Be Fine - Ekali ft Wafia

Three weeks after Seungkwan's freshest and latest heartbreak, he found himself stripping all the sheets and covers from his bed, furniture, and even his curtains. With the patience of a kindergarten teacher, he spent the morning loading them into the wash and cleaning his measly apartment while he waited for each cycle to finish. It left his apartment bare of any clothing material and every surface waxy and shiny. It was tough work, but it took his mind off his loneliness. 

It was already three in the afternoon when his last cycle of laundry finished and as a reward for himself, he had ordered 2 huge boxes of pizza. He sat himself down in the center of the small laundry pile circle that he made. Surrounded by the warm, dry clothes that smelled of his favorite detergent, Seungkwan couldn't help but wonder if this was what true bliss was like.  When the doorbell rang, he thought that nothing else could be better than this.

Ah, domesticity and a greasy feast. It is the freaking weekend and if I choose to gorge myself on pizza then no one can stop me.

Standing up, he rushed to the door to open it. It wasn't the pizza guy though, and he couldn't catch himself in time to hide his disappointment; he was just so hungry.

The person at the door was none other than Chan, and another guy who had far too squinty eyes. 

"Hi hyung!" Chan greeted him brightly while shoving a huge box of chicken wings onto his unsuspecting arms. His officemate pointed to the stranger with a huge smile. "That's Soonyoung. He's our hyung. I met him on the app I told you about and we were bored so I figured why not hang out together!"

"Hi, I'm Soonyoung!" The other guy chirped from behind Chan holding up a black plastic bag. "Nice to meet you! I brought soju and beer." 

From there on, the initial disappointment was replaced with delight at the sight of food and drinks. Seungkwan, being the good host that he was, quickly welcomed the two into his humble apartment.

"What is up with the laundry ritual circle?" Chan commented as he eyed up the perfectly arranged circle.

"It's called doing chores, try it sometime," Seungkwan snarked as he wheeled out  his tiny, service trolley which was also one of his priciest properties despite its grungier style. 

“It’s pretty cute,” Soonyoung chimed in with a thumbs up. “Where did you get it?”

“West Elm,” Seungkwan answered proudly. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but it was really expensive. It’s one of my treasures. Come, Chan’s gonna be on his lazy ass and he expects to be served by hyungs. Just put the food here. I have pizza coming too.”

“Really?” Chan rejoiced from his seat on Seungkwan’s beanbag. “What flavours did you get?”

“Creamy spinach, and meat lovers extreme,” Seungkwan replied as he made his way to his kitchen to get them some paper plates.

“Oh no…,” Chan said softly, straightening up before quickly following the older into the other room. “Oh no, no, no. You are not fine.”

“What?” Seungkwan asked as he forced the paper plates, plastic cutlery, and paper cups on to Chan. “I’m fine! I’m completely fine.”

“No, you’re not!” Chan argued. “I should have seen the signs. The spring cleaning, and the laundry pentagram?”

“I, 100% am not moping around, Chan, don’t worry.” Seungkwan pushed the younger out of the kitchen. “You just caught me in my big chores weekend.”

Chan spun around and planted himself firmly in the space between Seungkwan’s kitchen and living room. “Hyung, you are going to talk out all your thoughts tonight and it’s gonna happen.”

“Fine, fine,” Seungkwan waved at him dismissively. “Just please let me get the door because I’m pretty sure my pizza’s about to come.”

Overthinker - INZO

Two boxes of pizza, one box of chicken, a six pack of beer, and 3 bottles of soju were already decimated by the time Seungkwan came to himself that evening. He didn’t lose consciousness, he knew what was happening around him; he just didn’t feel present.

He’s watched and heard Chan argue about the benefits of casual dating, online dating, non-committal dating, and premarital sex for the past few hours now and all Seungkwan could do was nod at the right moments. In between those moments, he folded the smaller, rougher items of his laundry and kept the softer, larger ones so he was able to turn his laundry circle into a cocoon. 

This cocoon is pretty nice, I don’t wanna get out of it,  so he wrapped one of the curtains around himself.

"No, no, no hyung! You're overthinking this way too much! He doesn't have to be a boyfriend!"  Chan yelled for the third time today, interrupting Seungkwan's senseless musing, he forgot what he was even thinking about. 

Seungkwan looked at him balefully and Chan just let out a brief gargled scream. Soonyoung, Chan's - well Seungkwan wasn't sure what Soonyoung was to Chan but to be quite fair, it was Seungkwan's first time meeting this guy. 

Soonyoung chortled from his comfortable position in Seungkwan's beat up couch.

"Relax, Seungkwan-ssi," the near stranger called out. “Dating is not a graded thing! You can’t fail at it. You don’t get fired after bad dates!”

Chan let himself fall dramatically on top of the guy and Soonyoung just opened up his arms wide to receive him. Seungkwan rolled his eyes at their antics.

"All I'm saying, hyung," Chan interjected again, "Is that all the expectation is gonna ruin it for you. Just play it cool. Don't chase the guy and you sure as hell have to forget about getting a boyfriend out of this whole exercise. In fact it would be better for you if you get to the sex part so you can let loose a little."

"I'm not going to the sex part, I assure you,” Seungkwan snorted. 

“Hyung, you're saying that now, but I promise I won't hold it against you if you will. I have Soonie as my witness. It’s just human nature. Sparks fly, you have sex, end of story. Besides, you wouldn’t choose to date or match someone who you weren’t even remotely interested in having sex with.”

Soonyoung flashed him a genial smile. “Plus, if my word means anything to you at all, then I promise I'll remind Chan not to say I told you so.”

“Right…”

“Have you even checked your matches hyung? You're already thinking about what would happen if you met a guy off the app when you haven't even been messaging any yet? You’re getting ahead of yourself again!”

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. He has heard this from Chan a lot of times already. “Has anyone ever told you that you have an unhealthy obsession over my love and non sex life?”

“I'm your best friend,” Chan claimed indignantly. “That's part of the job description.”

“I'd never even try to pry this deep into your life!” Seungkwan confessed. “Like I'd help you with all your issues but I prefer not to know about your bed habits unless of course there was anything wrong with him,” this he directed his heated gaze at Soonyoung.

“I'm not above sharing bed stories though” Soonyoung quipped unhelpfully from under Chan.

Seungkwan stilled and threw the shirt he was about to fold at the younger. “You brat! What is the meaning of this? Are you two dating now or what?”

Chan sat up straight and took Soonyoung's hand in his. “Well, we are taking it slow. It's actually why we came here, I wanted to introduce you both but I didn't expect to find you buried under a pile of dried laundry.”

Seungkwan sniffed as he gripped the pile of freshly laundered clothes tighter. “They're warm and smell nice.”

“For what it's worth, there's really no harm in taking it easy Seungkwan-ssi,” Soonyoung offered with a slight smile. “I don't know much about what you've gone through, but if I hadn't considered that app and if I took myself too seriously, I wouldn't have met Chan.”

Seungkwan paused in his folding and looked at Soonyoung evenly. “Do you love Chan?”

“Hyung!” Chan protested. “You can't ask--”

“No,” Soonyoung immediately answered, cutting off Chan’s protest. Seungkwan felt angry, and he was fit to throw this Soonyoung character out.

“Not yet,” Soonyoung easily continued as if he didn’t just shock the two friends with his earlier answer. He grabbed Chan’s hand and stared at Seungkwan unflinchingly.  “But I'm open to the idea of loving him. He's fun and he's exactly what I need right now, who's to say he won't be what I need in the future too?”

Seungkwan looked away and returned to his folding. He cleared his throat before awkwardly mumbling out. “Wow, that's sweet but seeing you two is still freaking me out.”

“I will never understand how you can remain so judgey even in the middle of your funks,” Chan commented with a fond shake of his head.

Seungkwan shrugged and returned to converting his laundry into his personal hugging place. “I don't know, maybe the sadness just makes me give less fucks.”

“Aww, hyung,” Chan whispered, a first in the night full of his frustrated takes and indignant scowls. Then the younger knelt next to him and over Seungkwan’s make-shift curtain blanket, Chan gave him a hug that just about broke the dam of his reservoir of tears.

Seungkwan sniffled loudly, and the next thing he knew, he was full-out bawling into the shoulders of both Chan and Soonyoung. And he should feel so sad, and upset, but somehow he still felt light because he just came to a startlingly life-changing realization.

Maybe I am lonely. 

 

 

 

That night, after bidding his friends goodbye and making sure that he didn’t skip his gua sha massage, Seungkwan opened the app that Chan installed for the first time in weeks. The teal and white P seemed so ominous despite looking right at home next to Naver. The app was called Palette, and as far as he could remember, it was a pretty new app. If dating apps were cafes then OkCupid was the Starbucks of the field, and Palette was one of those hole-in-the-walls. 

 

Seungkwan has heard all about dating apps, gay dating apps in particular.

Gay dating apps were meat markets. It was a no-brainer for him to forget about trying his luck there. As much as he found guys attractive, that didn’t mean he wanted to see bodies on display, and he sure as hell didn’t want to display his body either. He didn’t like the fact that some guys seemed to treat these online dating apps as date generation machines. It was easy to tell who was just trying to get their dicks wet when said prospects started sending nonsensical things that were purely based on a superficial attraction. All these he has gleaned from Chan and Junhui’s experiences in gay dating. 

The Palette app was, in one word, curated. He was thankful that he wasn’t greeted with a carousel of half-naked bodies, but instead, it was an endless roll of photos that he was certain were meant to evoke a specific mood, but he couldn’t identify it yet.  A quick scroll through his homepage showed the white background color of the app slowly changing to that of a mellow, warmer, yellow color. Underneath his first name was the word dandelion, and he wondered if Chan put it there himself or if it was something the app did on its own. All in all, the app was beautiful and very promising.

Seungkwan didn’t really know how Chan had set up his account, but he remembered being asked for his instagram password. And now he knew why. As he switched to his profile page, he saw familiar posts bordered by that same yellow color as his home page. His profile could pass for a brand moodboard similar to the pitches they would do at work. 

Chan didn’t use a lot of photos that showed a clear view of him, but selected those shots taken with friends that were cropped to partially hide his identity or those pictures that were frozen in action. The only identifying picture on his entire profile palette was a blurry shot of him smiling at the camera in a plain tee under an old flannel shirt against a warm sunset. He remembered that photo, that was their USA trip where they had to film a happiness-inspired video in various locations for a client. Seungkwan was impressed, his younger friend did a good job of choosing that picture; that meant he would have to treat the account manager to a coffee one of these days if ever he was successful in getting a date.

After admiring the nuances and details of his dynamic profile palette, the time for actually getting a date finally came. On the bottom right corner of the screen was a white icon of a painter’s palette and a career-focused Seungkwan would have noted how clever and put-together the app was, but he was just too nervous to see the palettes of the people who thought him attractive.

Seungkwan knew he was lonely. It was a hard pill to swallow. Never had he imagined that he would ever feel this way. He saw himself as strong and completely independent. To realize that he was longing for someone all along was a frightening realization, and he has cried over that just a few hours ago. But now, the possibility of being validated for both his positive and  negative thoughts were making him wish he had opened the app earlier in the presence of Chan and Soonyoung.

But Chan and Soonyoung are gone now, plus you’ve already spent a good three weeks belatedly realizing shit, and a perfectly good night snot-filled and tearing up! Don’t you dare back out now, Boo Seungkwan!

Different colours fanned out on his palette page. There were profiles of pink, orange, blue and labels like pumpkin, seafoam, and lilac; he felt the huge stone in his stomach slowly dissolve with every shade of the rainbow that shuffled through his feed. All the other guys had similar, fun, cheeky vibes as him and the bright colours didn’t lie as he perused through random palette mood boards. A lot of them seemed cute, and friendly and he swore that if one of them messaged him, he would answer in a heartbeat.

It felt overwhelmingly amazing to be so well-liked.

But then, the span of light colours suddenly stopped. Like a lightning bolt in reverse colour, a dark palette cut a jagged line through his matches of palettes that were taken from a calm sky. This palette that was called mulberry purple was a bruise on a pinked cheek. It was such an inauspicious sight, but against all the warning bells in his head, he opened it.

The mulberry purple boy was called Vernon.

Vernon was a shadow in a suit against a room of clear, vinyl curtains. Seungkwan couldn’t make out the features of Vernon’s face, the only source of light in the otherwise bleak photo was the coiffed, silver hair that seemed to float like a halo around him. The primary profile photo was in complete disunity with the rest of Vernon’s palette. But then again, the whole palette seemed like a hot mess. The purple boxes were the very thin threads that connected shots of neon lighting, wine and cheese plates, vinyl records, a fierce and unkempt looking cat, and a huge stuffed toy of Stitch. There were no other pictures of the Vernon person in the mood board; just fragmented shots of what Seungkwan assumed was the man’s life.

It was more than intriguing. It was intoxicating.

It is a mistake. Seungkwan thought that there was no way a guy like Vernon would even think of gravitating to him. As the only dark profile in the sea of his light profiles, Vernon’s felt like a taunt; a reminder that it was an impossibility.

But Seungkwan was not all-knowing. He had no idea of what was impossible or not. Improbable was a safer assumption, but even the improbable was unpredictable because no one, not even Seungkwan, would have ever thought that Vernon would be the first one to message him.

Mind - Jack Ü ft Kai  

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Hey, I couldn’t forgive myself if I let the chance slip me by. 

Saw that you were online and I just wanted to ask how you are this fine evening.

...

So, how are you?

Seungkwan bit his lip. What were the odds that the only profile he got interested in and also lost hope about would be the first person he talked to on this app?

He took a deep breath and jumped on his bed, prepared to make himself comfortable, after all it was already quite late. He thought about how he should respond. This part, he wasn’t familiar with at all. Chan, and even Soonyoung, has warned him of nasty messages and demanding guys and the reminder to not take things seriously rang clearly in his mind. But here was a guy who seemed so out of place and for that they had no advice.

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Hey! I’m good, you?

That is pathetic, Boo Seungkwan, where has your personality gone? There’s no way this guy would want to talk to you again, his brain helpfully supplied as he pressed the damning send button, it sounded a lot like Chan. He sank into his bed and buried himself under the blanket and considered throwing his phone. 

Couldn’t read unreceived messages if my phone’s dead.

His phone vibrated with an oncoming message before he could even toss it away in frustration. 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Whew. That’s good to hear.

I’m good too, I suppose.

But your response made my night better.

 Seungkwan could not help but snort. Suddenly, the ball of nerves he has knotted in his chest has started to slowly unravel.

 What a complete flirt, but he knew he couldn’t allow himself to be outdone, or to be flustered, or to be both. 

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

It’s 1:27 am, hardly considered as night.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

You’re right. It is morning. So good morning, Seungkwan.

What are you up to? 

Up to talking?

 Was he? Was he up to opening his heart to a complete stranger? 

 Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

I noticed you have a lot of pics on your palette about Jeju.

You know what’s funny?

I’ve never stayed too long in Jeju.

Just a few odd days here and there

Shame coz it really seems like a nice place.

 Boo Seungkwan has never really done anything in halves, talking wouldn’t just be talking; not when Jeju’s pride is at stake.

 Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Well if you wanted to know more about Jeju…

Then you’ve come to the right person. 

I am, after all, the pride of Jeju.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

:)

You deserve to be called their pride.

:)

 

How was it possible that a total stranger could get under his skin so quickly? His resolve to not become flustered was evaporating at an unbelievable rate. 


Seungkwan (Dandelion)

You’re a sweet talker, Vernon-ssi

But that won’t get you out of such a huge criminal offence.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

And what, Mr.Boo, have I done so wrong, and so early in this relationship too?

 

 That certainly did not send a chill up my spine,  Seungkwan thought defiantly. No, it was not titillating in any way.

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

The beauty of Jeju which you haven't fully recognised nor appreciated, for one.

And relationship? 

Someone’s a bit confident huh...

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

My apologies to the great nation of Jeju, I do hope to be schooled

As the kids call it.

And, I’m not confident at all, just 

Intentional

 

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Intentional huh?

Well, you will get schooled here, Vernon-ssi, as for the other parts

We will have to see…

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Great.

That’s great.

I’m looking forward to knowing about Jeju

And you too.

 

And like he hasn’t been forewarned at all, Seungkwan allowed himself to anticipate. Vernon wasn’t the only one who was looking forward to more.

 

Double Bubble Trouble - M.I.A || Vroom Vroom - Charli XCX

It was a surprisingly slow day at work. Chan was out taking care of his clients and part of Seungkwan pitied the younger for running around so much, but he welcomed the reprieve after coming from such a busy and stressful month. Today, he could fully slack off and not be guilty of it. So, despite it being against his work ethic, he opened Palette and now he was back to his favorite hobby, figuring Vernon out.

Vernon’s personality was perfectly captured in his palette, Seungkwan thought as he scrolled through the man’s profile again. It was the right mix of mysterious and revealing. There was no way that a robot could hide behind a collection of random Stitch merch artfully displayed in a mess of  drawers, and yet, the fact that Seungkwan has never had any identifying information about the man made Vernon all the more like a figure shrouded in myth. 

There was a quirkiness and a hidden depth to Vernon that Seungkwan could tell was genuine. In all their daily conversations, Vernon has kept a respectful but offbeat approach. He was very forward, often stumping Seungkwan into surprise with his flirtatious comments. And when he wasn’t trying to send Seungkwan into an early grave with his sincere (?) and sudden confessions of how much he liked Seungkwan, he transformed into someone who  was fit to be completely off his rockers.

Seungkwan didn’t know what Vernon does for a living, but he guessed that the man could be one of three things:  a freelancer, an heir, or an out-of-school delinquent who had so much time in his hands. In the past five days that he has known the man, he has received an inordinate amount of memes that were past their height of popularity, links to various articles of places Seungkwan’s never heard of, and some pictures of a cat named Leo. At this point, the only thing that Seungkwan could gather was that Vernon was somehow deeply involved with the cat Leo. He wasn’t even sure if Vernon owned Leo, only that Leo often visited Vernon enough for Seungkwan to get updates of Leo’s whereabouts.

I do miss Bookeu , he thought as a motion-blurred photo of Leo and Vernon rose up to the surface of the palette. But speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

I know I haven’t seen you, Seungkwan-ssi

But I passed by a beauty this morning while I was on my walk

I had to take a picture

[Camera Attachment : 3 photos]

 

That’s new.  

Seungkwan has never exchanged “Personally-taken” photos with Vernon before. He was the type of person to take selfies, that was true, but he wasn’t at a stage comfortable enough to share those photos with Vernon, and he was pretty sure that Vernon wasn’t either because they’ve talked about it on their second night of dawn conversations. 

Still, he opened it, and prayed that Vernon didn’t suddenly do a 180 and decided to send a half-naked picture, at least, not during work hours.

And oh, he should have never doubted the guy. 

The three photos that Vernon sent were horrible. 

Taken from a grainy worm’s eye perspective were different angles of a tiny, white kitten sat on a windowsill. Even through the lack of clarity, Seungkwan could see the judgmental stare of the cat.

 

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

I think they look like you.

Beautiful.

;)

 

Seungkwan scoffed. He looked like a disgruntled kitten?!? He didn’t know which one he should take more offense to, the kitten comparison, or the fact that Vernon has chosen a kitten that looked beyond stressed. For the time being, he has ignored the word beauty and the implications that a stressed kitten was beautiful for Vernon and by transitivity, Seungkwan was also beautiful (?); he wasn't too confident of the messaging. 

 Seungkwan (Dandelion)

A kitten?

A disgruntled kitten?

A stressed kitten?

A kitten who seems angry at you is right though.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Aww. No you're just that cute and pure…. The indignation is a bonus look 

:))) :))) :))))

 

He switched back to the photos and tried to find something good in the photos that he could praise Vernon for. He zoomed in and firstly, attempted to figure out the kitten’s breed.

“Oh, whose precious kitty is that?”

“Aissh-”

Seungkwan jumped out of his seat, immediately hiding the phone to his chest. He turned around and found the culprit to be none other than the newly promoted Wonwoo standing behind his cubicle wall. He tried to school his face into a calm image but he wasn’t sure if it would work on the senior accountant.

Wonwoo just looked unimpressed. “So, is that your cat?” 

Truly, if there is an inch of a cat anywhere, Wonwoo is on it like a shark in wounded waters.

Seungkwan shook his head; standing up, he beckoned Wonwoo closer to him and showed the guy a zoomed in version of the clearest photo of the bunch. “Actually, can you tell me what this cat is?”

Wonwoo grabbed onto Seungkwan’s hands and pulled the phone closer to him. The man squinted through his glasses before pursing his lips in thought. “Hmmm.”

“So?” Seungkwan prodded. Maybe if he knew what the breed was he’d be able to successfully counter Vernon’s false claims.

“I don’t know, it’s too blurred to tell,” Wonwoo said with a shake of his head as he held the phone even closer to his face.

Seungkwan sighed. There goes my hope for a well-formed rebuttal.

“Palette, Seungkwan, really?” Wonwoo asked with a hint of teasing in his voice. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Seungkwan cooly said as he swiped his phone from Wonwoo’s suspicious eyes. The photo of the cat was now replaced by a display of his conversation with Vernon. It wasn’t incriminating, it just showed the part where the cat photos came in. 

Wonwoo laughed out loud. "Don't worry Seungkwan," he said conspiratorially. "I got you. And it's a good app anyway, that's how I met Jun."

Seungkwan didn't mean to let a squeak out, but he quickly hid it by forcefully sitting his butt down which made his chair groan in complaint.  And Wonwoo, the absolute rascal, only laughed louder at his flustered condition. He was just thankful that Chan was absent and that no one else seemed to bother with the two of them because it would have been rather difficult to field questions of why he has almost broken office property.

"Is that all then, hyung?" Seungkwan asked, trying to regain composure in the face of the senior accountant's mischievous eyes. 

"That's all!" Wonwoo said with a cheeky wink before going on his way to the finance department. 

Seungkwan watched, all aflutter, as Wonwoo reached the door. For some reason, Seungkwan felt Wonwoo was going to try something. 

He was right.

Wonwoo spun around before completely getting out of the marketing department and with a roguish grin, called out loudly. "Good luck, Seungkwan-ssi! And don't forget to have fun!" 

Seungkwan groaned, sinking deeper into his cubicle. If there was one thing he could take from this episode, it was that Junhui-hyung was really rubbing off Wonwoo. It may seem like a good thing but he was sure that it was just the beginning of something fearsome.

But back to the issue at hand, what to make of Vernon's image of him as an indignant kitten. That must be the least sexiest view of a person. 

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Do you seriously view me as an indignant kitten?!??!?

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

:))

Maybe if we met I wouldn't.

Seungkwan stilled. Meeting Vernon without even knowing how he looked like? That seemed like something Chan would definitely advise against. And yet there's an unholy thrill of desire that shot up in his veins. This was a man who clearly wanted more and was not afraid to chase after it.

Feeling a lot more confident than he usually felt, he sent the reply that first came to his mind without regrets.

Seungkwan (Dandelion)

I'll prove you wrong then.

Just you wait.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Great.

How about a dinner at at.mosphere this Saturday evening?

I'll have reservations if you only say yes.

 

There's no backing out now.


Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Call.

See you on Saturday Vernon-ssi.

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Can’t wait.

See you <3

Favorite Song - Chance the Rapper

Thursday nights were bar nights for Seungkwan, Chan, and Junhui. It used to be like that for the past four years until recently. Because now, instead of three single people commiserating over their singleness, it was now two couples and a single man commiserating over life in general. 

Since Chan was out of the office the whole day plus it was going to be Soonyoung's first time in The Bucket, and Junhui was coming from his night classes; Seungkwan found himself sitting with Wonwoo in their self-proclaimed booth. Wonwoo took the liberty of ordering food, already used to what the others liked and also familiar with the offerings, while Seungkwan sat restlessly waiting for the first round of drinks.

"Spit it out," Wonwoo said as he wrapped up with the waiter of their orders. "You've been antsy since I saw you earlier."

Seungkwan pouted, drumming his fingers on the table top, before deciding that there was no harm in telling Wonwoo this. "So, uh, I didn't actually know you met Jun on an app…"

Wonwoo raised a brow at him. "He didn't tell you guys?"

Seungkwan shrugged. "Chan must have asked since he met this Soonyoung guy through this app too."

"Ah," Wonwoo nodded but didn't explain any further. "So what's up?"

Seungkwan felt nervous. Did he start by telling he's got a date? Or should he ask first how Palette even worked and how he even found Jun to date of all people. "Well, I guess, I just wanted to ask how it was. How was your experience from it?"

Wonwoo smirked knowingly. It seemed like a question he was used to getting.  "I take it you meant to ask how everything was before I actually met Jun?" 

Seungkwan nodded; he leant in and wanted to clarify, but he was stopped with the arrival of the food and of the three missing people. Jun and Soonyoung helped the waiter unload the various dishes that Wonwoo had ordered, handing over the plates while Chan urged Seungkwan to scoot further into the booth for more space. 

"Hey guys, hey handsome!" Jun crowed as soon as all the dishes were settled. Climbing in next to his partner, he gave Wonwoo a resounding smooch on the cheek which the man only smiled fondly at. "Saw these two guppies outside and thought I'd bring them in!"

“Introductions!” Chan cut off with a clap. “This is Soonyoung!” He said with a tight side hug to the older. Then he turned to Seungkwan, "Seungkwan, you met last weekend; Jun, you know him outside. And well the glasses guy is Wonwoo."

"He's the same age as us!" Jun helpfully quipped, then pointing to Wonwoo he said adoringly. "This is the love of my life and the dick of my butt."

Seungkwan nearly choked on nothing while Wonwoo seemed unfazed. They truly are a match, Seungkwan thought. He has been friends with Junhui for so long but he still gets shocked at the guy's boldness, yet here Wonwoo was, completely unbothered.

"Hi I'm Soonyoung! Nice to meet you Wonwoo!" He said eagerly as he quickly offered a hand up for a shake. Wonwoo took it with a tight smile and that was the best they could hope for.

"So what were you two talking about?" Jun prodded as he started on the calamari. "You guys looked serious."

"It's nothing," Seungkwan dismissed at the same time he saw Wonwoo start opening his mouth. He quickly shoved the truffle fries to Wonwoo and added a kick towards the accountant for good measure.

"Aww shit, what was that?" Jun exclaimed in the middle of spearing his third calamari.

"What was what?" Chan's eyes widened in alarm. "Is there something wrong with the food?"

Wonwoo, who was watching all the chaos go down, guffawed at the ridiculousness of it all. He shot Seungkwan a look to which the account manager responded with a plea of mercy written in his eyes. But Wonwoo felt it was necessary to avenge Junhui's hurt leg; the truffle fries were not enough of a bribe, besides they'd be splitting the bill later.

"Seungkwan here was asking about how we met," Wonwoo answered without any sense of remorse and even the sharp kick he rightfully received from Seungkwan (he was successful this time) didn't stop him.

 Junhui's face crumpled in confusion. "Didn't you already know?"

 "No, he was asking about Palette in particular."

 "Oh hyung really?!" Chan finally joined in. "You opened the app? And talked to people?"

 "Yes…" Seungkwan replied with his nose upturned. "I got a few matches."

 "Can we see?" Chan pleaded, using puppy eyes and a deep pout in an attempt to move Seungkwan. 

Seungkwan sighed, there was no use hiding it since it was in the open already, thanks Wonwoo. He got his phone out of his pocket and passed it onto Soonyoung who was sitting between him and Chan. Chan giddily took the phone and unlocked it quickly.

Seungkwan thought of how many more kicks he could deliver to Wonwoo's legs as he watched the accountant smile innocently behind his vodka Sprite. He tried to swing under the table but alas, Wonwoo was smart enough not to keep his legs in kicking distance. He frowned and tried his best to ignore his two best friends and Soonyoung who were fawning over the app.  

Soonyoung broke away from the huddle to face Seungkwan. "Dandelion suits you, you know," he said brightly. 

"Ooh, dandelion," Wonwoo echoed; Seungkwan just glared at him.

"Oh hyung you have a lot of pastel matches!!!" Chan shrieked out while he shoved the phone under Seungkwan's nose. "Why didn't you chat with any of them? See, this Moonbin guy looks promising."

Seungkwan's eyes flickered to look down at the lilac profile of a bubbly guy. "Oh I haven't had the chance. I mean Vernon was the first one to message me and I guess I didn't try others?"

"Vernon, the mulberry guy? The only dark palette you have?" Jun asked and then he was back at Wonwoo's side. 

“I don't know, Vernon seems a little too dark and intense for you," Chan assessed. "I have to say though, he's very much different from Mingyu."

 "Wait Mingyu? Mingyu the photography director?" Wonwoo cut in and Seungkwan realised that his other officemate did not know. "What's that gotta do with this?"

 Chan and Jun both looked at Seungkwan, their two significant others obviously in the dark while Seungkwan tried to put a serious threat in his gaze. Jun smiled, and Chan just copied the elder with far more mischief in his eyes. 

 Oh no, Chan, please don't.

 “Seungkwan's got a massive crush on him,” Jun supplied.

 “Oh but didn't he get together with Minghao?” Wonwoo helpfully added. 

 It was always the quiet ones. Seungkwan swore that those two were not a match made in heaven but a match made in hell. He was ready to thump his head on the table.

 “Hence the app,” Chan said with a flourish of his hands. “Mingyu would probably be one of those pastels too, maybe on the sunnier side.”

 “Wait, you're the ones who met off Palette too right?” Soonyoung seemed to have just connected the dots. “What were your palettes? Mine's Vivacious and Chan's Chilli Pepper.”

 Seungkwan could kiss Soonyoung for the redirection. The memories of their weekend came rushing back to him and he now saw the two in the bright colors that best described them.

“Oh wow, I could actually see that for you, for both of you even,” he pointed out excitedly. 

"Rose quartz," Jun followed, allowing the redirection. "Something about me being moonrise, cakes, and jumpers."

“Serenity,” Wonwoo said with a raised hand. “Books, calculators and vodka. Don’t ask me why, but I’m just thankful the algorithm thought that Jun and I would match.”

“Wait, wait,” Seungkwan looked at the two couples in bewilderment. “How did you even get matched? What does Palette actually do? I mean, Chan and Soonyoung’s match up pretty well.”

Jun arched a brow at him challengingly. “And rose quartz and serenity don’t match?”

“Well now that you put it that way,” Seungkwan mumbled, perhaps that was the reason why he had a lot of pastel matches, maybe the app worked on grouping together similarly hued people.

“I got vibrant, deep and pastel matches too,” Soonyoung volunteered. “But, ultimately, who you interact with wasn’t kept within the suggested palettes. I think the similar hue groups are just the app grouping like-minded people together.”

“And there’s a benefit to that!” Chan added. “What more would you want from someone to hang out with but similarities? You have got to share something in common at the very least.”

Wonwoo snorted.“I honestly think it’s just on the user’s preference in the end. I mean, who’s to say that pastel and deep colours don’t go together. The pantone is just a gimmick to get people into it. After all, who doesn’t want to know what an AI thinks of them as a classification.”

Seungkwan mulled over Wonwoo’s point. “That actually sounds reasonable.”

“So you and this Vernon Mulberry,” Chan hastily pulled back the conversation to center back around Seungkwan. “Do you know what he looks like?”

Seungkwan sighed and stirred his mojito.”He’s just so mysterious.”

“This day and age?” Jun scoffed. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

“Have you tried asking for pictures?” Soonyoung asked. “And have you sent him yours?”

“Well, no on both fronts.”

“There you go,” Wonwoo said with finality. “That contributes to the mystery vibe.”

“Hyung! In what world has mystery ever been fun?” Chan was quick to chide to them. “We told you to keep it easy, hyung, it’s not easy if you’re consumed with figuring out who he is.” 

“I’m sure, Seungkwan’s equally mysterious for Mr. Mulberry,” Wonwoo politely countered. “If they don’t know how each other looks, then they’re on equal footing. Still plenty of fun to be had.”

“But I’m gonna know soon anyway, because I agreed to meeting him this weekend.” Three faces of surprise and bewilderment welcomed Seungkwan’s revelation.

Junhui leant in, mouth open wide. “Really?”

“You’re going on a date with someone you don’t know an inch about?” Chan exclaimed in disbelief, even going as far as pushing Soonyoung back to goggle at Seungkwan.

“Yey! Our little Seungkwannie is growing up,” Wonwoo clapped stiffly before he showed him a big thumbs up. 

“Yeah, I’m going on a date,” Seungkwan shrank back at all the attention. “It’s not a big deal!”

“Where is your date going to be, and who asked who?” Soonyoung piped up.

“The at.mosphere,” Seungkwan replied. “And he asked me. He said he can get reservations; he just needed my yes.”

Jun whistled lowly, Chan almost spat back his drink, and Wonwoo just grinned.

“Wow,” Soonyoung muttered. “Get me a sugar daddy like that.”

That broke the tension. In between Chan’s playful cries of “Hyung! How dare you!” and Jun’s and Wonwoo’s laughter; Seungkwan felt his breath escape him much easier than before. “So, I shouldn’t flake off right?”

“Of course not! It’s the at.mosphere!” Wonwoo encouraged him with a clink of their mismatched glasses.

“All I can say is go for it,” Junhui said after a mouthful of beer. “He's meeting you at at.mosphere, that's the least sketchiest place ever. Plus the fact he even got a reservation on such a short notice is already amazing. The way I see it, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

“Besides,” Soonyoung chimed in. “Haven't we told you to just take it easy and have fun? Chan's being just overprotective.”

“I am not,” Chan uselessly grumbled. “But they're right, hyung. Just be careful ok.”

“It's at.mosphere Chan,” Wonwoo chived. “Highly doubt something shady would go down in such a place.”

“Well, you never know what people with money and power and influence can do,” Chan argued. “But then again, I've never been a fan of the mysterious and brooding types, so suit yourself.”

“Oh Channie, you're always so sweet, never change my beautiful didi ,” Jun commented, reaching over to ruffle the youngest hair which Chan just batted away. “But for you, Seungkwan, all you need to do is to find out if the steak in at.mosphere is worth the 200,000 won price tag.”

And to that, Seungkwan laughed. They were right, he just had to take it easy. “Got it, order the 200,00 won steak!”

Water off a duck's back and whatnot.

Capricious - Crooked Colours

Saturday morning dawned late for Seungkwan; he was welcomed by cold appendages despite the cloying, hot weather, and a picture of Leo looking entirely too displeased at Seoul’s summer heat.

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

[Camera Attachment : BitchyLeopawz.jpg]

Leo’s date with my sister is planned for tonight

I’m hoping nothing’s going to ruin his plans

Pretty sure he longs to be with his mom and his bros

:)

 Seungkwan chuckled sleepily. The photo was sent at 6:38 in the morning and it was now 10:42. 

 Shit, that’s a four hour difference.

 Seungkwan (Dandelion)

Anybody ever told you that pre-7am is too early for emotional manipulation?

And Leo shouldn’t worry, that family reunion is not gonna be missed.

He finally mustered the energy to get up and for the moment, he left his phone on the bed so he could make a human out of himself. His reflection on the mirror told him he was cut out for some work. There was the ever present puffiness that he has wrestled with for years but now it was compounded by the fact that he has made an absolutely shitty decision of going out for Friday drinks.

“Fuck.”

He slapped himself thrice, ready to double up on his facial massage, but before he could take out his rollers, his phone rang. He raced out of the bathroom, jumping on the bed to answer the call. “Hey, this is Seungkwan.”

“Kwannie!” 

It was Jun. 

“Hyung! Why are you calling?”

“Uh hello, did you forget?”

Seungkwan stood frozen on the spot. Forget what? “Uh...happy birthday?”

“It’s not June, Kwannie! Oh my god you did forget! It’s my first class at a new studio? You said you were coming last night?”

“Oh shit, hyung, I just woke up…”

“It’s fine! Get your ass over here! I know you still have a big date later, but trust me, my session’s gonna make you feel less shitty.” 

“But hyung, I don’t think I’m sober--”

“Tut, tut. No excuses. I’ll book you a kakao taxi right now, you can’t refuse. Plus, I promised I’d help you out with your date later, so let’s just make it easier, I’ll go home with you as soon as OUR class ends. Okay? Love you, bye, hanging up. Sending you the kakao driver details after.”

And Jun left him with an echoing dial tone. Seungkwan groaned. He totally didn’t need this kind of wake up call, but he has nothing to do until 5 in the evening, so he might as well attend one of Jun’s hot yoga classes. Besides, he couldn’t sit around and mope and wait for 7pm to come around. Vernon was not likely to be sitting around doing nothing…

Right Vernon!

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Good morning :)

I wasn’t able to take a video earlier but Leo was pretty happy when I shared the news that his dream date wouldn’t be crushed

Anyways, enough about Leo, I’m excited about later, Seungkwan

I really wanted to meet you.

 

 

Vernon (Mulberry Purple)

Seungkwan?

Have you gone back to sleep?

You must have been tired last night, I’ll let you nap more.

See you later

:)

God help me . Seungkwan sank into his bed and stared listlessly at Vernon’s message. He hasn’t even met the guy yet, and it’s only been a week but he was already way in too deep.

 

 

If there was one thing that the at.mosphere was known for, it was serious commitment. Among the non-one-percenter, at.mosphere was a place of promise. This was where the elite celebrated their successful deals, and brought out the big guns to impress.  Dinner at the at.mosphere was most coveted; reservations took months and no one had a sure place unless one was a member of The Round Brilliant. It wasn’t the kind of place that people brought silly dates in, at.mosphere was the big leagues.

Seungkwan, in his best Topman ensemble felt so much like a kid fresh off the little leagues. He breathed out a shaky exhale as he stood in the middle of the lavish lobby of La Marquise. He has never even set foot in La Marquise, this being his first time to ever be in a building he hasn't given enough thought about. Oh he knew about the hotel; it was the most exclusive hotel in the district, and he never had reason to even desire to come to this place but here he was, a complete alien in this strange land.

The at.mosphere was located at the 57th floor of the hotel and as Vernon had instructed in his earlier message, he had to go to a separate lobby for access to the lounge. But the problem was, he didn't know which lobby Vernon was referring to. 

There were three rows of black marble desks outfitted in gold that had equally bored-looking staff who seemed to know just how out-of-place he was. The lady in the middle even looked like she had a permanent scowl on her face, and Seungkwan briefly wondered just how awful the service was in such an expensive hotel. 

He looked at his worn Tissot, and sighed. It was 6:55. He didn't want to be late, but he was ready to piss himself. He thought that Jun's double hot yoga class and the pep talk from both Wonwoo and Chan were enough to chase the nerves away, but that was evidently false. Suddenly, he was deluged with thoughts of how the hell did he even land a date so high up in the social pyramid.  It kept him glued to his spot until someone bumped into him.

"Sorry, sorry," the guy profusely apologised, even going as far as placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Seungkwan, despite being a bundle of nerves, was fit to give the man a piece of his mind but when he turned around, all he could think was wow. The guy who bumped into him was a lot older, but he had a James Dean quality to him that made Seungkwan want to melt into a puddle. The only thing that stopped him from doing so was the guy's dark sunglasses.  

A complete douche marker, who even wore sunglasses inside a building at night time? Rich assholes, that's right.

Seungkwan smiled pleasantly at the stranger nonetheless and nodded that he was fine. He couldn't find it in himself to answer lest he squeaked out a reply instead.

Once satisfied that Seungkwan was not at all harmed, the stranger gave him a dashing smile. "See you around," he whispered and hurriedly turned.

Seungkwan didn't want to watch the man leave, but he couldn't help himself. When the older guy disappeared into a corner where his eyes couldn't follow, he released the breath he didn't realise he had been holding. 

You're Boo Seungkwan, not Boo Seung-kwan't. Pull it together, Boo.

Then he marched to the middle concierge lady and like he has always belonged in this crowd, bravely asked to be led to at.mosphere.

You & Me – Disclosure, Eliza Doolittle, Flume

It took three security calls that verified his identity and reservation under a Mr. VERNON; a black, mirrored lift that was lit in a golden glow which only contained him and the attendant; and a long, dark, hallway lit by neon lights that made it seem like he was in Tron, to finally reach at.mosphere. Inside, the restaurant was richly decorated in soft leather, luxurious chairs that seemed to follow the curve of the human body, and solid, dark wood.  There were lamps placed everywhere which bathed the restaurant in a warm, autumnal light and it made for a magical ambience. From where he stood, he could see the entirety of the Seoul skyline behind the heads of the numerous diners decked in the finest clothing. 

 "Mr. Seungkwan, if it's alright, I could lead you to Mr. Vernon's private room," the maitre d'hotel broke through his admiration. 

 "Private room?" he echoed unsurely.

 The person nodded amiably. "If I may?"

 "Sure, sure, please lead the way."

Past the crowded dinner floor, the carvery, and the powder room was a hall with two opposing doors. The maitre d'hotel opened the door to his left and Seungkwan felt gut-punched at the scene in front of him.

The room was small, fitting only a round, dark-polished oak table, two emerald wingbacks and a pair of standing lamps. But what the room lacked in size it made up through its grandeur. The walls facing the Seoul City skyline were not walls, but floor-to-ceiling windows that afforded such a breathtaking view. And when Seungkwan looked up, he was greeted by the sight of an intricate chandelier. 

"Mr. Seungkwan, I apologise but I have to leave you for a while. Mr. Vernon will be with you shortly. For the meantime, is there anything I can get for you from our cellar?"

Seungkwan shook his head. "I'll be waiting for Vernon, thank you."

 The guy nodded once and then left him to his own devices. 

 What did I fucking get into? Seungkwan thought as he made his way to one of the windows. He didn't want to sit, those chairs looked like they were more expensive than his own suit. He looked at the dark night and felt around his suit for his phone. 

 7:05 pm.

Vernon's last message was regarding his instruction. It was sent 30 minutes ago. The man didn't say anything about running late but Seungkwan wasn't too worried. If the staff said he was coming, then there was nothing to be scared of. Besides, this whole thing seemed too much to be an elaborate prank. So instead of worrying about his date's whereabouts, he just took pictures of the room, the view, and the skies to show his friends later on.

Two knocks took him away from his selfie taking spree and had him walking towards the door. 

Should I open it? What if it's Vernon? Or maybe it's just the wait staff? Should I actually be seated --

And the door slid open to reveal a man, taller than Seungkwan and just a bit wider, in head-to-toe Balmain. Seungkwan would have admired the man more, but the first thing that came into his mind was a string of curses.

Shit. Shit. Shit. It's him. What was he doing here?

"You look better in person than your blurred pics," the man said in such a deep voice, it made Seungkwan's toes curl uncomfortably in his loafers. "You weren't lying when you said you were the pride of Jeju."

"You're Vernon?" Seungkwan half-whispered. Up close and sans dark glasses, Seungkwan was able to take a long look at the guy. It was the same guy who bumped into him at the lobby; that felt like ages ago.

The older guy nodded and grinned widely, showing off his gums and perfect teeth. He brought a sheepish hand to his nape and looked at Seungkwan shyly before nodding. "Yeah, that's me," he said, voice rough and it definitely didn't send shocks up Seungkwan's spine. "Should we sit down?"

Seungkwan felt like he had swallowed his whole tongue. He gulped, then looked up briefly and prayed. 

God, a little warning would have been nice? How could you give me the hottest man alive?

Vernon must have noticed his stiffness because the man immediately took his hand and led him to the table. Then, like a complete gentleman, Vernon pulled out the chair for him.

 

"Sit, Seungkwan," he commanded softly. "I don't think we would be served standing up," he added with a slight chuckle.

Seungkwan watched Vernon's face erupt into lines with the man's laughter. Vernon definitely was an older guy, there was a definition and a distinguished look on his face that can only be earned through age. His long, silver hair was styled in a messy coif and though it looked like a halo in the photos, oddly enough, it only made the man look younger. All in all, Seungkwan couldn't quite believe the person in front of him. He bit his lip and shook his head while looking down. "Sorry, sorry, you must think I'm weird."

"No, no," Vernon quickly interrupted. "It's me who has made this weird huh, I mean. You must be wondering what a 45 year old man is doing?"

"Forty-five?" Seungkwan couldn't help but repeat as he took his gaze off his lap and straight back into Vernon's eyes. Watching Vernon's face fall minisculely; he wondered just how much of his outburst sounded so much like horror and not of amazement.

"I'm sorry," the dapper swagger that was present earlier disappeared in a blink. Vernon sat hunched in his seat and for a moment, it seemed like he was the younger of the two.

"Wow," Seungkwan marveled at the embarrassment that cloaked Vernon so quickly.

"If you're uncomfortable, I won't stop you from leaving. We haven't ordered anything anyway, it won't be a waste."

"No, I'm not leaving," Seungkwan said, hurrying to make amends. "I just --it's a lot to take in, you know."

"I know," Vernon conceded slowly; he looked so down and had he been smaller, he would have looked like a guilty Bookeu. "And, I'm sorry for springing this up on you. I just really wanted to meet you before I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin anything!" Seungkwan countered strongly. Sure this was weird, but it wasn't that bad. "This was just--surprising."

Vernon smiled in a self-deprecating manner. "Bet you didn't expect to find an older man?"

Seungkwan snorted. "Well, now I know that the internet is definitely a scary place."

"Am I scary?" Vernon asked in a small voice unbefitting of his stature. 

And for the first time since they met, Seungkwan looked at Vernon beyond his appearance and age and saw only the guy he had fun talking to. "No you're not. Not when I know how much of a slave you are to Leo."

Finally, Vernon broke out in a smile again. 

And what a beautiful smile it is.

Feeling a little bit at a loss and yet wanting to put the awkwardness behind them, Seungkwan decided to gather up his courage and place his hand on the table in what he hoped was a welcoming gesture. "So, Vernon, have you had dinner yet?"

As soon as it came out of his mouth, he wanted to swallow a dehydrated towel. Really, asking about dinner when it's obvious that it's just dinner time? 

Vernon just giggled at him. Seungkwan wondered how this man was 45. "Err, you know what I mean."

 

"Are you nervous, Seungkwan?" 

Seungkwan's eyes widened at Vernon's comment, but he calmed himself and shot back. "Aren't you nervous, Vernon?"

"Not anymore," Vernon revealed. "You're not as different as you are in our messages."

"Really? How can you tell?"

Vernon leant on his elbows and smiled conspiratorially. "Experience. I can tell when people are genuine or not."

Seungkwan was absolutely not going to lose this. He also leant forward and eyed Vernon curiously. "Now, that's just plain scary."

"You said I wasn't scary?" Vernon asked with feigned affront. 

Seungkwan shook his head. "How about we just order food? What would you recommend?"

Vernon smirked. "The steak is to die for, and paired with their Cabernet, or since you have a sweet tooth, you can go for their Zinfandel. You won't regret it."

"I'll put the fate of my stomach in your hands, then" Seungkwan said sweetly, putting full trust and hope that this date would go on smoothly.

"That's all I've ever wanted, Seungkwan. That's all I ever wanted."

Magnets - Disclosure , Lorde

Vernon was right, the steak was indeed to die for. Seungkwan had no idea if that was the 200,000 won that Jun asked for a review on, but it definitely felt like it was worth that kind of money. He took another sip of his wine and scrunched his face as soon as the liquid hit his tongue. It was sweet, yes, but it was still far too sour for his taste. 

Vernon sniggered at him and tried to take the wine glass off his hands. "You don't have to finish the bottle, Seungkwan."

Seungkwan turned his whole body in his seat and pouted at Vernon. They were a lot closer now than when their dinner date started, both physically, and mentally. 

Halfway through the desert course of the burning chocolate dome, Vernon had requested their chairs to be moved closer to each other. And now the chocolate dome was long melted and gone; they were sat right next to each other facing the windows. The chandelier has been dimmed and only the lamps and the never-sleeping skyline of Seoul were their source of light. Seungkwan knew he was definitely just a little bit tipsy because he just thought that they could definitely afford to lose a chair in this room.

"Oh no, Vernon-hyung! You're so mean to me!" Seungkwan said, fingers poking Vernon's face lightly. 

Vernon caught his finger and held on to it tightly. "You're so red, Seungkwan-ah, sure you should be drinking at all?"

Seungkwan pulled his finger away and bleated at him. "I'm old enough to drink!"

Vernon smirked, and leant back on his own chair. "I didn't say you weren't."

Seungkwan was finished with his terrible wine. He didn't know how much it cost but he didn't like it at all, so he placed it on the table. It was teetering over the edge and it would have fallen if Vernon hadn't caught it.

"Careful," Vernon whispered. He had almost half his body lying on Seungkwan as a consequence of catching the wayward glass. Seungkwan was not used to such proximity, but this he didn't mind.

And when Vernon looked up at him with that roguish grin, Seungkwan was hard-pressed to believe that this man had a huge number of years on him. He held onto the older guy and refused to let him up. "Or what? What will you do if I'm not careful, Vernon?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" Vernon volleyed back, but didn't fight against Seungkwan's hold. 

"I'm going to be real honest here, Vernon," Seungkwan started, sobering a bit. "I think, I like you just fine. And I want to get to know you."

 "Even if I'm all this?" Vernon breathed out. "Even if people would look at you like you're crazy?"

 Seungkwan shrugged. "Those are all conditionals? I'm absolute."

 Vernon closed his eyes and shook his head. "You should have come with a warning, Seungkwan."

 "And what's the warning?"

Seungkwan stared at Vernon. There was a trace of exhaustion on the older's face and part of him wanted to kiss it away. His lips were tingling with the want to just smooch it away. 

"Can't fucking handle your alcohol," Vernon growled playfully as he tried to free himself from Seungkwan's grasp. "That's your warning sign."

Seungkwan resisted; he scoffed and pulled at Vernon's grossly expensive sweatshirt. (He knew it was worth half of his month's rent, he checked it online when Vernon had to talk to the manager). 

"No, this is your warning."

To Ü - Jack Ü, Aluna George

There were times when Seungkwan believed he had two personalities. One was his anxious, and perfectionist Seungkwan and the other one was his go-getter, all-be-damned Boo. It was mostly Seungkwan in his day to day life, until Boo gets prodded to come out. And he swore he didn't know what came over him, only that Boo felt ruffled enough and that he certainly wasn't thinking when he kissed Vernon. 

Although it wasn't Seungkwan's first kiss, it was only supposed to be a timid peck. A simple little something to reassure Vernon that he truly did not care about their differences and that he was willing to give it a try. The part that was Seungkwan completely balked at this.  It felt so much like desperation; jumping on the first guy he saw since his heartbreak. But Boo was a taker. Boo saw both the hesitation and the desire in Vernon and he knew what he wanted to win in the end. Desperation may look ugly on others, but not on Boo. 

So he kissed Vernon like the older guy was the primary source of life. He grappled at Vernon's sweatshirt as he breathed in what the other exhaled. He was pretty sure the shirt would be ruined with how tight he was holding it, but he tried to bury that in his mind. 

He let his tongue dart out to plead with Vernon. From the start, the older seemed lost, shocked still at the kiss, but soon enough Vernon allowed him in. He could taste the bitterness of the whiskey that Vernon drank and smell a hint of spice and peppermint and it only made him want more. 

He pressed himself further, ignoring the digging of the chair in between them, and took a hold of Vernon's face. Vernon's face looked smooth to the touch but as he held it in his hands, he felt every stubble and smile line. It made Vernon so real and so much like a furnace, despite the huge waves of nervousness coming off the older guy. For a moment, Seungkwan was confused if he was doing the right thing, but he pushed through the reluctance . He dragged his hand down to Vernon's neck and held it lightly. He could feel Vernon's gulp and each pulse underneath the fired up skin; he couldn't stop himself from pressing just a little bit more.

Then Vernon mewled, inviting more of Seungkwan into him. He grabbed the chance, feverish hands digging deeper into Vernon's flesh. With grace he didn't know he possessed, he deposited himself on the lap of the older man and broke off the kiss.

Vernon was gaping at Seungkwan with lust-blown pupils. Lips bitten red and hair faintly mussed, Vernon looked a lot more youthful and Seungkwan prayed to all the gods he knew. 

"Warning received," Vernon spoke, dazed. 

Seungkwan ran his fingers through Vernon's grey (or was it silver) hair and pressed their foreheads together. "I don't usually do this."

Vernon laughed, low and deep in his belly. "You do know how much that sounds like a line right?"

Seungkwan smiled in response before dipping to kiss Vernon tenderly again. "Does it? You've heard it a lot of times then?"

Vernon smirked against his lips, then pulled him away for a bit to presumably search his eyes. "And yet, from you, I completely believe it."

Seungkwan collapsed on him, and Vernon took the chance to wrap his arms around the younger. The older played with the hair at the back of his neck and all Seungkwan can hear in his head is the fast beating of his heart and sirens going off in the rational part of his brain.

 "Thank you for believing little old me," Seungkwan confessed. "You're the first guy I ever talked to on Palette. And I feel like I'm scaring you away like this. But this is scary for me too."

Vernon rubbed at his neck comfortingly. "I'm going to be honest, you're not the first guy I've ever met on there. But I never brought them here. You scare me."

Seungkwan moved and nuzzled into Vernon's neck. "I know, you're far too hot to not have been around the circuit. But I scare you? Even if you can probably do anything to ruin me? If you can afford all this, then you can definitely buy my ruin."

 Seungkwan could feel Vernon shrug in response. 

 "You scare me and I don't know why."

 "Funny," Seungkwan retorted unamused.It was fascinating, just how much it made him want to tell the older guy that they're one and the same.  "You do the same for me." 

KARMA - bear bear & friends, Gill Chang