"My name is Rainn Balintrophy." Santana lied, lowering her lenseless glasses over the bridge of her nose to peer over the frames. "I am a very famous art collector with an incredibly good eye for potential and current talent. I am here with my beautiful bride, Lady Belinda Tubbington."
"Howdy, mon cheri." Brittany greeted in an accent nobody could describe as she stepped next to Santana, tipping her large, hot pink top hat. "My name is Lady Belinda Tubbington, and I too am a collector of the arts. I specialise in sculptures and pasta necklaces, though I do like to think of myself as a master of finger painting as well."
"Oh my darling, you most certainly are a master. We are both masters in our individual creative fields and, let me tell you this much, we will not be leaving this museum without something in hand." Santana gestured to the room they stood in within the Metropolitan Museum of Art. "I was thinking something... Particularly gory."
"I, personally, have always been a fan of art drawn by cats for cats."
"Or by homosexuals for homosexuals."
"Mayhaps... By cats for homosexuals?"
"By homosexuals for cats?"
"Oh my dear that sure does sound lovely."
"What do you think?"
The girls turned to the woman they'd been conversing with, who looked very average and very scared of the bombardment of information just thrown at her. She was just trying to look at the artwork, only to have two eccentrically dressed girls run over to her and start talking about their careers... And cats?
Santana and Brittany watched the woman struggle to find words for reply with. Perfect. They were doing pretty well, this would be the third person they tricked into believing in this artificial life they'd created. Rainn Belintrophy was a fancy, extravagant woman with an intelligent elegant aura. Lady Belinda Tubbington was a hot pink clad woman with nothing but madness and ambition in her eyes.
They were going to take the art world by storm. How? Well one thing was for sure, they definitely wouldn't be trying rob paintings in these very impressive disguises. That would be crazy.
Not that crazy wasn't a huge part of this entire thing. The woman they were talking to was staring at them like they were crazy, and they were staring back like they were expecting an answer. Mayhaps... They were.
"Uhh, I... It sounds... Interesting."
"Interesting. The lady says she finds our ideas interesting!" Santana exclaimed.
"That's marvellous my darling Rainn!"
"It really is, my love Belinda!"
"I need to... Move on to another piece." The woman excused as she walked away from the girls.
"Would you like us to accompany you?" Brittany called after.
"No!" The woman shouted over her shoulder, and her pace picked up rather immediately.
Santana and Brittany high fived as the lady rushed away and turned their attention to the painting they stood before. It looked confusing and colourful, so it must be expensive, right? Pushing her glasses back up her nose, Santana snaked an arm around Brittany's waist and Brittany returned the favour.
Then they continued on to the next art piece with potential witnesses by it, to further clear out the room before they made their move. The couple kept their arms entangled when they faced off with the people admiring the sculpture.
"Lady Belinda Tubbington, my one true love, wouldn't you agree that these people have remarkably poor taste in art?" Santana started. "I mean, the work you are admiring would make a fine duvet but it is a pathetic excuse for what it claims to be."
"Oh I must say, you speak only the truth and nothing but it. This an awful art piece, right down to the... molding and..."
"Colour palette! That is too right Rainn Belintrophy, awful colour palette." Brittany nodded. "It may just be rock but that is no excuse for it to be grey and have not one splash of colour."
"You aren't actually doing this."
"I do believe there is a much more impressive structural masterpiece in the other room, should you wish to see one." Santana suggested.
"You're really doing this?"
"You can trust our eye, you see. We are famous art collectors from France or Spain or something and we believe you will much prefer the sculptures in the other room. There's one of a beautiful cat with a large man carrying it, rather awakening." Brittany agreed.
"Oh my God they're actually doing this."
"This is brilliant."
"I can't believe they think this will work."
"Art... Oh for God sake will you guys just take the hint and leave?" Santana broke.
Puck and Kurt did not move from the sculpture they were admiring, they just stared in amusement at their friends. Sorry, not their friends, the girls they'd never met before who were art collectors for some reason. It was entertainment at it's best.
Kurt scanned the hot pink jumpsuit, hot pink boots, hot pink hat and hot pink makeup that Brittany was currently adorned in. Then the turned to the black glasses, red cloak, black gown and red lipstick Santana had chosen. Impressively put together, really helped their characters.
Puck was just amazed that they were actually doing it. Were they really doing it? They were actually doing it. That was brilliant. He couldn't believe they thought it would work. He'd joked about it with them but there they were, actually doing it.
When Sue had seen them like that in the morning at the hotel she'd even been a bit shocked. Well, not shocked. More impressed, actually. Impressed that they'd gone with such bold choices and, somehow, she'd immediately connected dots nobody had presented to her.
"I can not believe this is happening. Am I really seeing this?" Puck gawked. "You're clearing the room, that's just insane."
"And what is with those preposterous names? Belintrophy? And Lady? What on Earth is happening?" Kurt asked.
"Well I'd like to see you try this without fake identities." Brittany challenged, and Kurt just scoffed with disbelief.
"I would rather not try to steal priceless art, I'd be trying to convince you not to do it if I genuinely believed you could pull it off." Kurt smirked.
"Babe, have you not seen the cloak?" Puck teased. "What about these outfits makes you think they don't know exactly what they're doing?"
"Shut up, are you gonna leave so we can get on with this and prove you wrong?" Santana said.
"This is incredible." Kurt laughed as he and Puck walked away with their fingers intertwined.
"Goodbye Lady Belinda Tubbington!" Puck shouted over his shoulder.
"Toodaloo Prince Rodriguez!" Brittany shouted back.
"Prince Rodriguez, huh?" Santana grinned.
"Yes. Prince Rodriguez and his gay lover Caspian Arabella." Brittany removed her top hat and pulled a small pocket knife from inside it - to cut paintings from their frames - before putting it back on. Inconspicuous.
"I like it." Santana unbuttoned one of the large pockets on the inside of her cloak, preparing it to hold anything they take. "Now, what first?"
"I liked the first one we saw, it was pretty."
"Agreed, but what one will make us the most money with the least effort?"
"I don't know. Or do I?" Brittany faced her girlfriend. "Are we really art collectors?"
"One day babe, one day." Santana promised, pointing in the direction of a painting. "Let's start with this one."
Mercedes and Artie were staring at a painting in deep confusion. They tilted their heads and shook them, ignoring everyone passing them by. A few people just gave the same painting a quick glance and smiled or nodded. Like they knew... Just knew what it was supposed to represent.
They totally didn't though, everyone was faking it. They had to be, right? Who actually understands art? Art was just weird and messy and bright. Especially this picture, which was just a blurr of blue and pink and shapes and sizes. There might be an eye in there. Or was it a warzone? Holy shit what was going on?
"What is going on?" Mercedes asked as she continued to try and figure it out.
"There..." Artie pointed to a splotch of aqua. "That's a river."
Mercedes squinted, then hummed in understanding as the picture started to come together. For like a moment, then it was just a blur again and as infuriating as it was before. Soon, Sam walked up behind them and made the same bewildered face.
"Dude." He whispered. "That's so weird."
"What are you guys..." Mike started, joining them. "What the hell is going on in that?"
"War and rainbows, obviously. It's a tribute to all the gay soldiers in the military who were mistreated because of their sexuality." Quinn informed, earning herself a few odd looks as she walked up to them with her girlfriend.
"Her dad used to study art." Tina clarified.
"I don't like this painting, I can feel it watching me." Lauren said when she joined them too, Finn at her side with equal levels of perplexity. "It's judging me."
"It's weirder than the one Kurt and Puck are looking at." Finn stated. He pointed towards the mentioned boyfriends, who stood on the other side of the hall staring at a portrait of a couple. The boys were trying to pose like the couple, and looked like proper morons doing so.
"I swear if they get in trouble for that I'm not bailing them out." Sue said as she snuck up behind the main group, who then turned to look away from Kurt and Puck and towards their supervisor. "There's only so much money I can spend on crime and I've already blown through it."
"Excuse me?" A security guard approached Sue, tapping her on the shoulder gently. "Are you Sue Sylvester?"
"Only if you aren't FBI." Sue replied.
"Yes she is." Mercedes confirmed. "Why?"
"We've taken two girls into custody who say they're under your care." The guard explained. "You'll need to come with me."
After such a reasoning, Sue understandably followed the guard towards the custody room in the museum. The rest of the group joined her with Kurt and Puck noticing and quickly running after them too. Sure enough, when Sue reached the room in which Santana and Brittany sat, she scoffed in recognition. She knew this would happen.
"They were caught trying-"
"To cut out a painting from a frame and smuggle it out with the pocketted cloak. I know." Sue smirked. "Kids, you know, it's always steal this and con that, you remember when you were their age, don't you?"
"Because when I first turned 17, I remember having an axe in one hand and a sled in the other and taking everything I could find from a nearby restaurant." Sue reminisced. "So maybe you should just let them off the hook for now."
"They tried to rob-"
"I know, I'll pay the fine."
"The fine for attempted art theft?"
"No, the fine for attempted murder if you don't release these children immediately. Trust me, blondie." Sue threatened. "I have connections, and you don't wanna see just how much blood I could legally spill."
Somehow, Sue got Santana and Brittany out. Maybe she paid bail, maybe she blackmailed someone, maybe she killed people, nobody could know for sure. The only thing they could be 100% on was the fact that the girls were released and the group was kicked out. No refund.
They went to their hired vehicle and round their places in it as discussions of art continued. Not sophisticated discussion, of course, just debates over whether or not any of it is worth the money. The resounding answer tender to be no, which explained why Santana and Brittany tried to take sale art without paying a penny.
Speaking of which, everyone asked them for the details on their plan. They'd explained through chuckles and smiles, stating that they thought stealing art would make for a really interesting New York outing. They certainly weren't wrong. Turned out, they were more prepared than expected.
- Create convincing identities to drive other away from the potential crime scene.
- Smuggle knife in and have something to smuggle the art out in.
- Make sure no guards or security cameras are watching.
- If they are, use the knife to cut a few wires or threaten a bitch.
- Once it's all done, flee the scene as inconspicuously as possible, knowing Sue will stop too much questioning from happening.
That was their plan in full. They didn't get past step 4, since a guard had seen them and Brittany had, as planned 'threatened a bitch'. It wasn't as easy as that though, because the guard had a knife waved in his face and immediately responded by detaining the two.
What did they expect?
Probably more success.
As they relayed their attempt to the others on the bus, everyone laughed at the failures and applauded at the small successes. They also expressed pity for the people who had to experience Rainn Belintrophy and her hot pink wife in their prime. That did, of course, include the security guard:
"Can you tell me what you were planning to do with that art piece?"
"You see, I and my wife here were simply attempting to get a closer look."
"We're art collectors and wished to estimate the price before purchasing the item."
"You're clearly both teenagers here on some kinda school trip, who's caring for you?"
"Sue Sylvester is our guardian, though you shall need be warned she is a mighty strong warrior."
"She has defended our honours multiple times, for this is not the first time we have experienced trials and tribulations."
"Do you have any idea how serious this is?"
"As serious as this art is terrible, my darling wife, wouldn't you agree?"
"Indeed, my sweetheart, I have seen child's drawings with more effort put into them."
"I... You do know you will need to pay a lot of money? Maybe even go to prison?"
"We are sapphic queens with a passion for crime, an eye for art and a love for drama. We do not fear prison."
"Prison fears us."
And then Sue saved them. Again, they did not know how, but they were definitely thankful for it regardless. As they rested in their bus seats, arms around each other, they looked around at their friends and continued to talk about their experiences in the museum.
Once they'd reached the hotel again later in the evening, they all rehearsed in the girls room for a while before heading down for dinner at the hotel. Of course they ran into the one, the only, Rachel Berry, ladies and gentlemen! She and her male companion Jesse, that is.
"Hello, losers." Jesse greeted.
"What an original insult." Kurt returned.
"And what a ridiculous looking outfit." Rachel laughed as she scanned Brittany up and down. "What are you trying to be?"
Santana and Brittany looked at one another briefly and smiled knowingly. Then Brittany turned back to Rachel and held out a hand in greeting.
"The name is Lady Belinda Tubbington." She said. "And this is my wife, Rainn Belintrophy."
"Bonjour." Santana introduced.
"What?" Jesse spat.
"Are you on something?" Rachel mocked.
"We're on intelligence." Brittany answered with her bizarre fake accent back.
"I'm on something way more fun." Puck interjected. "Hi, I'm Prince Rodriguez."
"And I'm the Prince's gay lover, Caspian Arabella." Kurt winked.
"I'm Mr Arabella's carpenter, Sir Francis Gethsmane." Mike smiled.
"We're the Innsbruck family." Tina said as she placed an arm around Quinn's waist, drawing her closer. "This is our daughter."
"Charmed, I'm sure." Mercedes failed to contain her giggles.
"Oh, I'm Lotus Gustavio Boshwain." Artie interrupted. "You recognise that name because I'm a well known brothel owner."
"I work at said brothel, don't judge, life's been hard to me: Audrey Hickerlow." Lauren announced. "This is my bitch, Bez."
"Uh, hello." Finn chuckled.
"And I'm... Barry... Jen.. I... May... Barry Jenimay." Sam smiled.
"That's right." Santana nodded. "Do you enjoy our group?"
"We must stay together for we are being hunted." Brittany said.
"If the cops ask, we don't exist!" Artie shouted. "Viva la revolution!" He shouted even louder, and everyone cheered in response before walking right past the terrified Vocal Adrenaline couple.
They found their seats at a table right towards the back. All laughed at the still puzzled facial expressions Rachel and Jesse were wearing, preparing to order something. Then Sam felt something beneath his body and stood up more. He realised he was accidentally sitting on Santana's cloak, but he also realised something else.
"What is this?" Sam asked as he lifted the cloak up and pulled something from the pocket. It was a very small sculpture of a man with a sword in his hand and a leaf covering his privates. It looked weird but expensive.
"Oh." Santana smirked, removing the sculpture from Sam's hand and her cloak from his seat. She looked at Brittany, who looked back with a mischievous look on her face. "This... This is nothing."
And she tucked the stolen art work into her clothing, high fiving Brittany under the table.