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this is what a broken heart feels like

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you gave it all away

we said we'd tell each other everything. vent to each other, care for each other, be there for each other. trust each other. i hadn't known what was going on with you and you didn't tell me anything. as if the oath we made was nothing. as if my trust was nothing.

didn't even let me in

i wanted you to confide in me. trust me like how i trusted you. you've always been there for me like we promised, so why didn't you let me do the same for you?

i shouldn't have yelled. i shouldn't have pressured you. i shouldn't have started that argument. i just wanted to know so bad. i let my emotions take over me and i'm sorry. i said things i shouldn't have. i made everything worse.

my anger and frustration dissipated when you slammed the front door. when i heard the nearby bus screech on the road outside and i realized you left.

you gave the worst goodbye

it had been 6 hours since you left. we've never gotten into a fight this bad, i wasn't sure when you were coming back. but i waited. i waited so i could properly apologize and things could go back to the way it was before. that way you could take your time in telling me and i would be patient for you.

i was in the kitchen, making onigiri for you to eat when you return. the silence of 6 hours died when i heard my phone ringing and immediately picked it up, thinking or maybe hoping it was you.

"is this miya atsumu?" i heard an unfamiliar woman ask from the other line.

it wasn't you. i felt myself deflate before realizing the woman was asking for me.

"yeah, what do ya need?"

"your brother, miya osamu, was in a fatal bus crash. there were many deaths and unfortunately, that includes your brother. i'm... sorry for your loss. you may come to xxx hospital if you'd like to see him and contact a funeral home to plan a funeral."

i remember feeling paralyzed. in shock. i couldn't move. i couldn't believe her. she said you were dead. dead.

i yelled at her through the phone, mostly out of grief and despair, but i refused to believe her words. you couldn't be dead. you couldn't. we had a fight, you needed time alone, and you were going to come back. you had to come back. it was impossible for miya osamu to be dead.

the unfinished onigiri ended up in the trash 10 minutes later, forgotten and broken.

and people ask me how i've been

"i'm sorry for your loss."

"i'm here for you if you ever need me."

"i can't imagine what you're feeling, but i'm here to help."

"are you okay?"

"are you feeling alright?"

"i heard what happened. how are you doing?"

i heard these words over and over again.

so let me tell them

i never knew what to say. i wanted to tell them how i'd been but i couldn't. something stopped me. so i responded with the same thing over and over again.

"it's okay, i'm fine."

but it wasn't okay. i wasn't fine. i was the opposite. it had been a month since his death and i had accepted it. i accepted the fact that he's gone and not coming back. i remember crying my heart out every night, praying for all of this to be a dream. but it wasn't. it still isn't.

some people came over to check on me frequently, but that only reminded me of him. and how the last interaction i had with him was an argument. a cruel argument that i shouldn't have caused. everyday i get reminded of how his death is my fault. people tell me it isn't, but how do they know? he only left the house in the first place because of me.

sunarin found out the same day i did. i had to tell him. i didn't want to at all, but i knew it would be best. he cried. at first he was just like me, in denial and shock. but when i saw a tear fall down his face, i realized it was the first time i'd ever seen suna cry. he'd always been stoic, almost as much as kita so it never really occurred to me if he could cry. yet he did. he was a silent crier but watching his tears fall down his face triggered me to start as well. i couldn't take it. we cried together for the rest of the night as osamu's brother and boyfriend.

friday nights got me feeling lonely

every friday we used to have our family nights; us with our parents. i remember we would watch movies, play board games and family games alike. i loved fridays. even after our parents died, you and me would still have our twin time on fridays. i still loved fridays.

but now that you're gone too... i don't even know what do with myself. i felt like i lost half of myself, half of my identity. as if there was a piece of me missing, which there was. it's almost as if i died as well. as if my heart had gotten pulled out.

i walked around our house and i saw vague memories of us together in every room i walked in. i walked into the kitchen and all i saw was us cooking together, making onigiri and fatty tuna. i walked into the living room and i saw us doing our homework together as well as millions of friday nights with our parents.

i always ended up in my bed, thinking about how quiet the house has become and how much i missed you. every friday, i would sob my soul out in my pillow, wishing to fill the silence of the miya household.

saturdays are when the bottles empty

after crying to sleep on fridays, i would wake up on saturdays in need of a way to subdue the guilt and pain. i was so tired of feeling this emptiness inside my chest that could never be filled again.

i knew i was three years too young to drink, but i didn't care. i just wanted...needed something to stop myself from feeling numb and empty. i wasn't sure how, but i found the alcohol cabinet our parents would use in the past. they didn't drink that often and i didn't know how old the liquor was, but that didn't matter to me at the time.

the first saturday after i lost you, i drank five bottles of vodka and emptied all of them. the oldness of the drinks only made it lose a bit of its taste, so it still helped with the hollow feeling temporarily. i smiled naturally for the first time in days that night, falling asleep to the feeling of drunkenness.

"why'd you have to leave me?"

i asked that everyday, every night. all the damn time. i would stare at the family photos on the walls, asking the question to not only you, but our parents as well. in my drunken state on saturdays, i would stop asking it. i would finally stop asking it and give someone the time to answer.

i know that your intentions weren't to break me

i knew you didn't mean for this to happen. i knew you didn't mean to hurt me.

but it cuts so deep, i'm dripping slowly

yet you still did. it hurt and i hated it. i hated it so damn much. i knew how much you loved and cared for me which only made it so much worse.

these nights are getting lonely

i knew i should've told someone how i'd been. i knew i should've asked someone to keep my company. i knew i should've asked for help. i just couldn't. i didn't want to burden someone else. to pass my problems onto someone else. to trust someone else.

"why'd you have to leave me?"

why?

...

i'm a mess in the making

sundays were the worst days. not only did i wake up to the need to vomit and a sick feeling, but i dwelled on the fact that school would begin again and i would walk to school without you. i dwelled on the new start of a week without you and how fast time flies.

i would barf into the toilet at 5 am then look into the mirror at myself to see what i had become. untamed greasy hair, dark eyebags, sunken cheekbones, chapped lips, pale skin. my eyes were constantly red and puffy from crying and i wasn't sure how to smile anymore. it seemed impossible.

school was even worse. i would constantly wear a hoodie over my head to hide my appearance. people in the hallways kept looking at me in pity and some would even want to tell me how sorry they are. that only makes me feel worse. i wanted to socialize again, to laugh and make others laugh again. it seemed impossible.

i couldn't focus in class. the teachers didn't do anything for the first week but later on they would ask me if i need anything and tell me how bad my grade have gotten. i remember feeling so guilty and trapped in school, wanting to go home. i tried my best to do my homework but my mind kept getting distracted to the point of crying myself to sleep. it seemed impossible.

i tried going to volleyball practices, but i would only get reassurances from my teammates and reminders of you everywhere. my passion and motivation for volleyball was overcome by guilt and grief about the loss of my only family left. i joined a practice match but my mind wasn't into it. i kept looking around for you so i could set for you only to remind myself it was impossible. everything seemed impossible.

hours become days, and days become months without you

time really does fly. a month after your death passed quickly and i barely noticed. sunarin didn't seem to be doing any better than i was. he stopped going to volleyball practice for a bit, but he visited me frequently so we could relish our memories of you and mourn together.

i finally started to think about planning a funeral. we had never really talked about it before and our parents' funeral was one of the worst days in my life. i never really thought of the fact that i had to ever plan a funeral and especially never yours. i guess i always had the impression we'd live together and die together, which evidently wasn't true.

and i've been self-medicating

with bottles and blades, glasses of champagne without you

drinking soon wasn't enough to ease the still existing emptiness. it didn't subdue it enough, so i wanted to find other methods to get rid of it, even if it would just be temporary. i found other options than alcohol and some worked even better. it became addicting.

i knew younger me never thought i'd be doing this, but younger me had never felt this feeling before. younger atsumu and osamu had made a promise to never do anything like this, but fate happened. death happened. it's okay. promises were made to be broken anyway.

friday nights got me feeling lonely

saturdays are when the bottles empty

i felt like i was on a loop. doing the same thing every week, making it a routine. things never got better or worse and i never made any effort to change that.

i soon realized i was scared of change. i was scared of the consequences of change and was perfectly "fine" with whatever life i was living. the...empty feeling never got better or worse, and i was okay with that. change was terrifying, so i ran away from it instead of charging toward it like the old atsumu would have.

the old atsumu....i wasn't even sure who that was. who i was. my life had just been going like a movie and i felt like i was just watching it. i felt like i had no control over my life anymore and i decided to roll with it. nothing mattered anymore anyway.

why'd you have to leave me?

that question wasn't frequently thought that much anymore. i was still waiting for an answer even though no one would have a response. no one could respond anyway.

i wanted someone to. i wanted the answer so much that my life soon felt dependent on the question and when the answer would arrive. i thought that maybe when there would finally be an answer, i could rest. i could know how to smile once more and feel the whole emptiness leave my body. maybe i could stop breaking promises, and maybe i could see my family again.

"i know that your intentions weren't to break me

it cuts so deep, i'm dripping slowly

t hese nights are getting lonely

why'd you have to leave me?"

those were the sentences i said to you when i first visited your grave after the funeral. i finally told someone how i'd been, how i'd been feeling, and it was you. just like it had always been ever since we were kids. i decided to trust you again and tell you. i slept beside your gravestone in the rain, not caring about myself and just wanting to be as close to you as possible.

don't leave me

"i graduated, 'samu. are ya proud of me?" miya atsumu touched the cold white stone of the grave.

don't leave me

"congrats on finally dating again, rin. 'samu would be glad yer movin' on," atsumu grinned at his best friend, who only smiled softly back.

don't leave me

"i love ya, omi," atsumu whispered.

"i love you too, 'tsumu," kiyoomi smiled at his fiancé, running his fingers through atsumu's golden hair.

these nights are getting lonely

"i'm proud of ya, 'tsumu. i think ya finally know the answer to yer question as well."

and miya atsumu does.