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It starts, as so many things in Tommy’s life have, with the Minecraft Championships.

 

He’s been playing up Exile Arc for a full week now - streaming nothing but roleplay every night is really really weird, but fun, but at the same time he is So So Ready for a break. When Saturday rolls around he tries very hard to remember all the training he’s been doing with Finn and Callum and Toby (no! Tubbo on stream! Just because you’ve not streamed together for ages doesn’t mean you can start calling him that on camera as well as off!) and he gives his keyboard and mouse and monitor an antibacterial wipe and he puts on The White And Red Shirt that’s become his entire brand, just because he knows a hundred thousand people will be tuning in to see him finally interact with Toby (Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo) again and he needs it to be thoroughly clippable. Besides, they’re going to win! He genuinely thinks they have a chance at this! Minigames willing, of course. Here’s hoping no Build Mart.

 

And it goes off without a hitch until it goes off with many many hitches and they place fifth overall - but it’s fine because they had a great time and his fans have been screaming over Clingy Reunion for hours and the night ends out with a little taste of roleplay for the stans before he leaves the call to close the stream and go back to Being Sad for views tomorrow.

 

But.

 

There is one nagging thought that hasn’t left him all day.

 

And it’s the whole thing with F1NN5TER’s cosplay. Girl Tubbo. Tubbina, even. Because Tubbo was the only one who’d agreed to let Finn dress as him, because Callum had politely declined, and Tommy had…

 

He’d rather not think about that one.

 

But seeing it live on stream? He’d screamed for the bit, made some jokes about needing new eyes, complained about having a second Tubbo in his life… He’d almost been unable to take his eyes off of Finn just sitting there so comfortably in the wig and the dress and the makeup. He’d told Tubbo not to look, because he wished he never had. Because.

 

Because?

 

And he’d made a joke about STDs and asked everyone if they could please move on and nobody mentioned it again after that and everything was normal and fine and not weird and not even a little bit uncomfortable in a new way that Tommy couldn’t name.

 

So why is something sticking in his throat and all the way up his intestines even now, hours later?

 

He scrolls through Twitter. Stans to mute. Friends to reply to stupidly - he can drag out the exile bit with Tubbo in replies all day and watch his followers Cry, which he finds maybe a bit too funny. Philza Minecraft to laugh at for being a boomer. It’s all normal.

 

Pictures of F1NN5TER in the dress and the wig and the makeup.

 

To?

 

He’s frozen over the like button for at least thirty seconds, totally unsure of his next move.

 

Because it should be so easy just to click it and scroll.

 

Just a click and it’s off your feed forever next time you refresh.

 

One click and it’s gone.

 

Tommy, what are you doing?

 

Just click it.

 

Tommy?

 

And he sits there, not moving, staring at the image, staring at the like button, staring at the username (maddie | can’t believe tommy’s a lesbian) for FAR too long. The screen actually dims from inactivity and it’s all he can do to jiggle the mouse and bring it back to life.

 

In the end, he saves the image to his downloads and mutes the user.

 

That’s not what you were supposed to do, Tommy.

 

He knows. He’s confused right now, is all.

 

Is this a crush? Has he developed a crush on Finn’s drag persona? Obviously Rose is pretty or Finn wouldn’t make such massive amounts of money off of dressing up the way he does. But Tommy knows Finn, knows him well enough to know that Rose is exactly the same as Finn, and he’s not attracted to him. He likes women. He dates women. Or he would date women given the chance. Finn’s not a woman, as he’s stated many times before, he’s just a man who likes to wear girls’ clothing, he’s not transgender, he -

 

Tommy gets stuck again.

 

Finn’s not a woman, he is a man in women’s clothing. Although you don’t have to be a girl to wear skirts and dresses. But men don’t usually, and Finn does, but he’s not a woman. And Tommy’s not a.

 

Tommy’s not.

 

Tommy’s.

 

Let’s think about this one, shall we?

 

Let’s not think about this one, calls the part of his brain that’s hurting, desperate to settle down and go to bed and wake up normal in the morning and forget this ever happened and be Big Man Tommy Innit on stream tomorrow same as always, he’s going to put the third stage skin on when he wakes up and it’s going to be Really Sad and all his viewers are gonna awww and Dream will be there for Tommy to pretend they hate and love each other just like they always do and it will be Normal and Not Weird and Fine if he can just ignore it, just push down the Weirdness rising up his throat like thick honey, just get out of his chair and go to bed.

 

It won’t be ignored, though.

 

Tommy's… not a girl. Is he?

 

He's not, because if Tommy was a girl he would know. He would have noticed by now. He talks about hating men enough that he would have allied himself against them BEFORE he got three million subscribers watching his every move.

 

He's not a girl.

 

He's going to be sick.

 

Tommy rushes down the hall, lands skidding on the tiles by the toilet, leans into the bowl in terrible anticipation. Tommy's not a girl, he's not, he can't be. It's too late to be a girl. He's nearly fucking seventeen, he can't tap out now. He has a reputation. His brand is literally being a big MAN. He can't be.

 

Nothing comes out. He just feels Bad and Sick and Weird.

 

Maybe he can just be like Finn.

 

Finn.

 

He needs to talk to Finn.

 

Lucky he brought his phone - Tommy fumbles the passcode four times, taps with shaking hands into Discord, scrolls down the MCC server looking for his friend. He stops on Eret's profile, just for a second - but Eret will be busy celebrating their win and he doesn't want to disturb their happiness with his Weird feelings, so he scrolls on. F1NN5TER#1234 flits up on screen. Green dot. Active. Icon is another fucking picture in the wig and the dress and the makeup. Tommy grips the side of the toilet with his other hand.

 

Direct messages.

 

hello finster my friend

 

It takes Finn FAR too long to answer for Tommy's comfort. Nearly two minutes. He's still shaking.

 

hey tommy what's up!

 

i have got Big Important Questions are you ok wirh qnswerinf some stuff for me

 

okay?

 

well

one bit important question teally

 

yeah?

 

er how can you tell youre still a man even rhough you wear dresses all the tome

 

i don't know

actually living as a woman just doesn't sound comfortable to me

it's fun to wear the outfits and all but not a reflection of my actual self

is there a reason you're asking?

 

yes but i dont knownif i want to say yet

 

that's okay

i'm not an expert in the field of gender questioning given that i've never felt the need to do it

but i'm here for you as a friend

 

waitnhow did you know

 

oh sorry was i not supposed to clock that

 

no icam supposed to be Being Secretive

you skipped ahed in the script my friend

 

where are we meant to be along the line tjen

*then

 

at the bit where im not ecen asking any questions because nothing is actuallu happening and jt will all be fine in the morninh

 

okay i can work with that

you're gonna be okay mate

and if you do end up wanting to talk to me about it more i'm not going anywhere this weekend

or rather i can be not going anywhere

shops can wait

 

rhank you finn you are geeat

 

no problem mate

 


 

Of course it's not fine in the morning. It's worse.

 

Tommy wakes up flat on his stomach, pillow still under him from pressurising the persistent lower torso ache he's had since he stood up yesterday, and feels implacably Bad about it. Of course he’s not going to get better overnight. Why would he? Life’s decided to become suffering all of a sudden.

 

He gets up and he’s too tall, legs too long, feet too flat and weighted on the floor. He gets dressed and it’s too tight, clothes too constrictive - but he can’t go naked, so he switches the jeans for joggers and it’s a little bit more comfortable. They kind of swish on his way down the stairs. Every time the fabric hits his legs on the inside he’s shaken just a little. No touching today, he reckons. Not a feeling he’s had to put into words before, but in the moment he’s sure if someone touches him he’ll break down. The floor’s too cold and his feet are heavy.

 

He eats half a banana before it threatens to make him sick again and he bins it.

 

He passes his mum in the hallway and she says nothing. He hears the vacuum start up when he’s back upstairs. Of course. No recordings this morning then.

 

DM from Tubbo#5678.

 

hey do you still want to play cs go?

 

sure giv eme a minute

 

He messes with his hair which he hasn’t washed and looks in the webcam to see how he’s doing. The moment his eyes meet his reflection he closes the webcam. Pure reflex.

 

Whatever the fuck that was about, it was Not Fun. The air in his room is stale, so he cracks the window. Fucking hell, December’s cold. He forgot. Not like he’s been outside since Wednesday.

 

And, ring ring, incoming call from Tubbo.

 

Click.

 

"Hello, Tommy!"

 

"Hi," he says, oddly choked. His throat's a bit tight for no reason.

 

"Do you have it loaded yet, or -?"

 

"Give me a minute."

 

"You sound a bit sick." Shut up. Stop being so perceptive.

 

"I'm alright."

 

"Good."

 

"Yeah."

 

Tommy loads the game, eventually, and logs in with Tubbo - they join the same public server with minor difficulty to coordinate themselves and start shooting randoms at will.

 

"Oh, I'm down!" Tubbo calls from across the map as Tommy throws a grenade.

 

"Ha," he laughs like he's supposed to, heart not really in it.

 

"They snoped me, Tommy."

 

"What?"

 

"Like, past tense of snipe. I got snoped."

 

"Right," he mutters. That's not what he was focusing on.

 

And the errant pronoun pops again a couple more times -

 

"I got 'em!"

 

"Take them out, Tommy!"

 

"Where are they going?"

 

- until he's barely hitting shots with his distraction.

 

Because he's remembered something, and it's a little bit scary and a little bit hopeful all at once.

 

When they're back in the lobby, he cuts Tubbo off in the middle of a tangent about his time at college the other day. "Tubbo, I was thinking."

 

"As you so rarely do," he quips.

 

"Shut up. I was thinking."

 

"What were you thinking, Tommy?"

 

And it's hard, harder than he wants it to be, to choke the words out - but as long as he clings on to the best ending he can get them into the air.

 

"I heard. Somewhere."

 

A pause.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Do you really use he and they?"

 

Another pause, shorter, just long enough for comprehension -

 

"Oh! No, I don't, actually."

 

"Oh."

 

Then why -?

 

"It was actually a conversation I had with Niki, I think, and I said the wrong thing, and I didn't realise I had accidentally given everyone the wrong information. I'm just a he."

 

"Oh," he says again, heart sinking as he slowly realises that this was the bad ending and it's the one he got. "Okay."

 

"What's wrong?" Stop it, stop perceiving, stop knowing me so well. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up.

 

"Nothing, Tubbo, I'm fine." He's not fine. There's a great big dangling discomfort like a set of giant spider legs crawling over and across every word, every sentence he says, and his voice is too hard and scratchy and it borderline hurts even though there's nothing wrong with him, right, there's nothing wrong, is there?

 

"Alright," Tubbo says, unconvinced. "You know I love you."

 

"Yes."

 

"And you know you can talk to me."

 

"Yes."

 

"Tommy."

 

And it's that, the single utterance of his name, the word he's answered to since he knew what words even were, the simple term of address that suddenly sets his skin crawling and his heart racing and his palms dampening with cold disgust and discomfort and -

 

Dysphoria?

 

Is that what this is?

 

Is that even the word?

 

"I've got to go, Tubbo. I love you too."

 

"Okay… Bye."

 

He closes the call without another word and he's googling 'disphoria' in the next second, the little Did You Mean correcting his spelling as if he cares what the right vowel is in the face of a label for the big huge large massive problem he's been dealing with, the problem he could only previously contextualise in terms of feeling Bad and Wrong, but now there's a Google definition and a Wikipedia page and WebMD and the NHS official website for gender d-

 

Still not quite ready to call it like it is. That's fine. He has a name, a single label, a word to box him in when he's been feeling so small in such a large and lanky body for… Yeah, no, for a very long time. Couple of years, if he thinks back far enough. And if he shines a new light on enough old memories.

 

This thought is chilling - but there's only one person he's told, one person he can share it with.

 

update

 

hello what's the update!

 

do not want to be tom.y any more

 

okay that's a step

 

dont know what i want to be but tubbo called me.tommy and i did not feel good and i did not like it

 

take your time mate

 

also i googled disphoria and i dont know but

yes

 

right, that's also progress

 

im sorry finn you already told me you dont know about any of this i shouldnt be dropping these things on you

 

it's fine it's fine!

sorry almost said the t word lmao

 

i just i dont want to tell tibbo because we had this whole convetsation about pronouns and now i feel weird and i lnow he knows somethings up but i dont want him to

 

im glad you felt comfortable coming to me again at least

 

yeah your the one person who knows anythinh

 

it's an honour

 

what do i do finn

 

um

i'm really sorry i can't help as much as someone else here

go name hunting? just so when you tell people you want the old name gone then they have something new to use instead

 

that is a good idea but also i am not ready yet

 

that's okay

i'll be here if you need someone to talk to

bounce off, you know

 

yeah

thank you

im sorry for bei g a burden i know i am i didnt tell tubbo because i didnt want to burden him too so im sorry for dumping all my dhit on you

 

you're not a burden!

don't let anyone tell you you are

least of all yourself

 

im sorry

 

it's okay

i'm here for you

and so are all your other friends if you feel comfortable sharing this with them too

 

yeah but i dont

i would be anywhere else trust me mate

sorry we just arent that close

 

i understand!

sometimes it's not logical the people you turn to in times of crisis

 

is this a xrisis

 

i would say so

one on the edge of being alright

but currently a crisis

 

maybe yeah

 

you're gonna be okay mate

 

you know i had a bit of a think and ive been feelimg like this for a while

 

well i'm glad you finally worked it out

it doesn't sound fun

 

i might come back

going downt google

 

lol

 

He usually makes those jokes with Wilbur, and in a moment of extreme vulnerability he'd forgotten that it wasn't Wilbur he was trusting with this secret, so it's comforting that Finn responds appropriately.

 

"Down" Google is absolutely the appropriate preposition for the rabbit hole he delves down that day. Terms and flags and definitions blur past his slowly tiring eyes as he skips lunch and only looks up when he realises the open blinds display only the stupid night sky of 4pm that goes dark FAR too early for anyone's comfort. None of it is certain, but… it's nice to look at all the words and think they're not necessarily out of reach.

 

He's forced to attend the dinner table, and his parents call him Tom a total of fourteen times before he washes his plate up and vanishes back upstairs. He knows they have no idea, he's not spoken a word of it, they're not wrong to do it, but… Dysphoria dysphoria dysphoria.

 

Having a word.

 

Feels big and spiky in his mouth, hard to get his tongue around, but satisfying as hell to think instead of saying Bad.

 


 

So at 8pm, when streaming time rolls around, and this time Quackity sticks it in the general channel on Discord that he's coming online too, it's a little difficult to jump headfirst into that dysphoria and become Tommy again for the cameras.

 

Music makes it better, though - trilling out a little chunk of Jingle Bells to get in the jolly mood and setting the classic starting-stream music going are perfect pick-me-ups.

 

"Oh, it's classic," he smiles for the viewers, as they yell BYE OFFLINERS and LETS GOOOOOOOO. Tries to ignore the weight of his adam's apple under his fingers. Remembers they're going to point out that spot he's developed from too much contact with a dirty pillowcase. More singing - "We've got the song going! I reckon soon we're gonna start playing Christmas songs in a Starting Soon." Makes another comment about the tragedy that is his character's current arc - that's Tommy. That's who he has to be. Depressed and alone with only one person to turn to.

 

Ironic.

 

Cracking the Diet Coke right before the beat drop never fails to put a smile on his face, though, and he vibes his way through the rest of the pre-stream playlist, making some jokes about the terrible nature of Americans and extolling the value of a good Prime, until it's time to log in.

 

Someone in chat says "Tommy you need to get a gender chest". The typo would normally be hilarious, but it catches his smile, and definitely helps him fall into the sad persona he needs to fulfil. Skin stage three's on today. Last stand before he dies of depression or… Well, he's been thinking of a Technoblade arc, but that's a few days off in the future for sure. In the meantime, it's easy to pretend he's desperate for company and angry at HBomb for not messaging - it's easy to act scared of Dream as if he's the voice inside his head that's always by his side and never acting nice. The voice he's been tuning out for a very long time.

 

Acting is familiar and Tommy is familiar and Quackity is -

 

standing in the Nether with the Mexican Dream skin on?

 

"Eyyy, man, this ain't the path to Tijuana, man!"

 

"Mexican Dream? I was about to go stare into lava ominously, but -"

 

Guess this won't be a lore stream after all.

 

They banter back and forth, the stupid stereotypical persona instantly accessible to both their senses of humour. Quackity calls Dream “Mamacita” and tries to mug him. He tries as hard as possible in the face of such unapologetic comedy to keep up the Tommy Lore. Something about Moe that the two older players understand. American tingz, probably.

 

Dream leaves the game and they chatter about making MD a house and then he comes -

 

“Hi.”

 

They both scream, because what the fuck is Dream doing with that voice changer?

 

“This is Mamacita - eyy, Mamacita, it’s been so long!”

 

“Yeah, it’s been a long time!”

 

“You look as fine as ever. You got those Levi jeans 2-for-1?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“They make you look gooood!”

 

“What?” he croaks out, incredulous. This bit is ridiculous.

 

And it goes on for, like, half an hour.

 

Fucking ironic, innit, the way all of his friends are pretending to be women recently.

 

“Protect me, protect me, I’m weak, I’m weak, women are stronger!”

 

It’s a meaningless platitude that slips out before he can really think about the meaning behind it. True, though - he’s been nothing if not weak the past few days. Still, it’s easy to hide, especially if Dream insists on bringing up How to Sex and Quackity asks about his “old memories” that were, if you’re gonna get all technical about it, intended for Serious Lore, but while they’re there it’ll be really funny to play one of the Ludwig Christmas songs and turn on Funny Mic and cry over the pictures of Tubbo he converted into in-game maps a few nights ago for Lore purposes. They run around together talking about drugs and sex and crime until Dream (once he’s finally, relievingly, quit the Mamacita bit) stabs Quackity one too many times and the latter decides it’s time to canonically die.

 

Tragic.

 

“I never thought I’d see the day when Mexican Dream canonically died,” Dream muses.

 

“I never thought I’d see the day when he was canonically alive,” he can only laugh in response.

 

After the stream, the whole room goes quiet. The Wii Shop theme fades out, and he’s left with nothing but the silence of loneliness.

 

He’s pulled up Discord on his phone before he has a chance to really think about it.

 

did you see that stream

 

no i was editing

something interesting happen?

 

dream turned into girl dream

 

what a… weird coincidence

 

i know right?????

 

hey i mean

at least it gives you some wiggle room if you wanted to do something similar

test the waters, you know

 

god it was weird

 

what was the context even?

 

quackity was being mexican dream

i think theyve done it before some other time on the server

 

i see i see

are you just telling me cause i’m the only person who knows why that’s weird

 

suppose

 

well thanks for sharing

 

you dont have to pity me you know

 

i’m not

literally

i just didnt know what to say

 

sorry

storys leaking into real life or some shit

 

what even is the story?

 

lmao do you have ninety minutes

 


 

So it’s going okay. And he’s thinking about it, which is better than two days ago when he was Not Thinking About It. And he’s got a word. And he’s managing. And it’s going okay.

 

This involves, when his parents offer to take him out on a drive to the nearby National Trust location for a day out in nature, turning the offer down in favour of taking, like, a thousand online quizzes.

 

And…

 

Yeah, he’s -

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Pronouns.

 

Fuck. She is trans? Can she say that? Is that right?

 

Nobody else is gonna say that. Obviously. They don’t know. They’re not in on the whole thing. The whole conspiracy. The big secret. The big deal. That shit’s locked the fuck down under wraps to everyone, everyone , even the most important people.

 

Except Finn, obviously.

 

Which… No shade on Finn, but was Finn really the best person to go to about this? The first person in reach, sure, but maybe not the best choice. Eret would have been a much better person to go to. Eret - Eret was busy, celebrating, winning the Minecraft Championships, Eret was busy, he couldn’t have helped.

 

And sure, the rest of SBI would be supportive, but they had no experience… subverting gender roles or whatever the fuck. And Tubbo had admitted to being cis. And nobody else really… got it.

 

Although Finn probably doesn’t really get it either.

 

But Finn would get the pronouns thing, maybe. That’s basic knowledge, probably.

 

Hopefully.

 

good morning

 

No response. Finn’s probably asleep.

 

What do you do when your only source of gender dysphoria based help is out of reach?

 

You go watch YouTube mindlessly for an hour and a half until he does text you back.

 

hello did you need something?

 

wow cant a

fuck

i was gonna say cant a man text his good friend finnster just because he wants to but. thats sort of the whole deal isnt it

 

it is indeed

 

anyway i did actually need something

or want something more precisely

 

yeah?

 

i wanted to give different pronouns a go

sorry if you find that weird or something idk

 

no no that’s not weird at all! that makes sense if you’re having these issues that you’d want to try new terms of address out

 

ok good i just feel really weird about it

i took a lot of quizzes this morning and im definitely

you know

i scored high on a lot of them

its just weird its so weird that this is happening

 

well there always was that clip of you wondering if you were a lesbian

 

i laughed so loud at that thank you finnster

 

no problem lol

what pronouns are you thinking about then?

 

i guess just girl ones

 

so she/her?

 

yeah

 

do you want me to like turn them into a sentence or something?

 

i suppose

 

right

so i have this friend who runs the tommyinnit youtube channel. and she was on an mcc team with me the other day, and i had a lot of fun playing with her. she was really nice to me and callum the whole time, it was great. i’ve been helping her with her problems recently and i really hope she gets to a point where she’s comfortable with herself soon!

how’s that

mate?

 

sorry

just

yeah

thank you so much finn

 

it’s literally no problem mate did it feel like the right thing?

 

yeah oh my god

like not to ovreplay it but i am shakign lmao

 

is that good?

 

yeag

im. gonna go sit on tht for a while thanks

 

She’s trans.

 

She’s a girl.

 

She’s a fucking woman.

 

And she’s never been this overwhelmed in her Life.

 

God, she wants to tell Wilbur. She wants to talk to Wilbur so badly. She wants to tell Wilbur everything and she wants to tell Tubbo, too, and Phil, and Techno and Jack and Freddie and Eryn and oh, shit, the Streamer Men are down one, fuck, goddammit.

 

That makes her laugh, after a second, shaky like the rest of her but a real, genuine laugh like she hasn’t had in days. God damn it, she’s a streamer woman.

 

She’s a woman.

 

Hand to mouth in a moment of impulsive movement - she’s laughing so hard again, body curling in on itself and the whole thing still feels Wrong but she knows why, now, she knows the name of the beast and she’s taking it and claiming it for herself, she’s dysphoric, she’s a girl, she’s going to be able to live like it as soon as…

 

Soon.

 

She’ll tell people soon.

 

Maybe she’ll get Finn to help.

 

(Her parents get home from the park tired and a little bit rained-on, and she smiles and puts the kettle on for them like any good daughter.)

 


 

Telling people.

 

Well, it’s not going to be the easiest topic to broach, but she’s nothing if not one for reaching out and starting conversations. The trouble is that she’s got to decide on a First Victim, if you will. A Patient Zero. Someone who’s gonna be the first to find out and the first to give her a reaction that tells her how the rest of her friends (and the world, oh fuck, she’s gonna have to come out to the world eventually) will take it too if that person is an accurate sample.

 

There’s just… so many people she’d like to tell, and so little possibility of telling them All first. Unless she sent a massive group DM, or copied and pasted it into everybody’s inbox. But that would take away the personability of it all, and she wants to tell Someone, not the whole bloody SMP and folks besides.

 

She should, honestly, be telling her parents, but that feels a bit much for now.

 

So she’s staring at her friends list on Discord and trying to pick the person she trusts Most.

 

Which would be Tubbo, but there’s the whole pronoun conversation from a few days ago sitting in the way, and they just did that whole thing with the lore where he thinks “Tommy’s” dead, so it might be a bit of an emotional whiplash moment to just suddenly spring this whole thing on him like that, and besides she’s just really not sure how he’s going to respond, or if it’s going to make things weird between them, or if he’ll try to tell her something fucked up like that she’s confused, or what. Tubbo’s never been knowledgeable on these things. He didn’t know what a pronoun was, for god’s sake.

 

And maybe she should go to Eret, just to cover that knowledgeable base, but are they really that close, and will Eret not just get suspicious and accuse her of faking, or wonder why she didn’t come to them earlier, and it’ll be a whole thing, and she’s honestly just not sure if she’s ready for that confrontation. So it’s got to be someone who she knows really well and who’ll believe her and all that.

 

But the person she ends up clicking, annoyingly enough, is Finn.

 

hello once again finnster minecraft

 

i’d like to think of myself as a variety streamer

 

sorry 

 

dw dw just a joke what’s up

 

i am trying to figure out who to inform of my womanhood

 

have you told wilbur yet?

 

no i have not told anyone

 

tell wilbur

he’s clearly your best mate

 

oh

ok

will do big man

 

good luck by the way! you’ll smash it i’m sure

 

thanks

 

no problem

 

He’s right. He’s so clearly right and she’s so clearly blind. It was always going to have to be Wilbur.

 

big dubs i have big news

 

hey tommy whats up

 

ah

you see

that

is exactly what is up

 

???

i didnt say anything yet

 

you did you said tommy

 

okay and? what big news about your name is there?

 

well

it

fuck i am experiencing difficulty

 

whats wrong

 

stressed, as the kids call it

 

its okay tommy you can tell me

 

i know i know i am simply

working up to it

 

im here

 

it is

no longer

my name

 

what, you rebranding to tom?

 

no quite the opposite

 

youre… abolishing it?

 

precisely

no more tom no more tommy no more of all that shit

out tje window gone

 

so instead you are?

 

well i have not got that far yet

 

not got that far

in what

 

in my journey of self discovery and shit

 

? what did you discover

 

i discovered

that

i

am

still having a really tough time spelling it out actually

 

would calling help?

 

no i think i might cry

i might cry anyway honestly

 

oh no is something going on do you need somebody

i will drive up there i dont care three hours is nothing man

 

aha there you have hit again upon the issue

 

i really need some clarity here im gonna be honest with you im not picking up what youre trying to put down

 

i

mmm.

do you know this flag actually

<image(13).png>

 

what, the trans flag?

oh my god

are you trying to tell me

 

hes got it in one

 

oh sweetheart

 

oh my god that was so hard why was that so hard

 

it’s really tough to come out love of course you were finding it difficult

so are you a girl?

 

yeah

big huge large massive woman thats me

 

lmao

the biggest

 

WHY did that make me tear up i am WEAK

 

youre not weak youre stressed out you literally just came out of the closet of course youre not on top of your emotions

 

big w you are the best brother i hav did you knwo that

 

stop it i will cry

 

that would be two of us

 

youre the best sister for the record

 

no shut up i am going to cry even more and then i will sue you for ruining my image

 

Then Sue Me

 

fuck. hes too powerful

 

i am beyond mortal limits of monetary threat

you cannot kill me in a way that matters

 

shut the fuck up man

 

i imagine a little <3 on the end of that message and so i smile

 

youre a complete wanker

 

i love you too

let me know when you make progress on the name front!

 

will do big man

 

have a good day big woman

 

Maybe she cries properly when she’s closed the tab. Maybe she holds her head in her hands and sobs out the feelings until there’s nothing but a weary sigh of satisfaction and hope and joy coating the inside of the the little space she’s created in front of her face, sighs that warm the skin of her hands where the tears have left them wet and cold. Maybe she cries out all the fear that had been building up for so long and lets it dry into her shirt when she wipes her palms on it, and maybe she opens a new tab to get started on some college work, and maybe she lets herself smile.

 


 

“Tina.”

 

“No.”

 

“Tangerine.”

 

“No.”

 

“Tomato.”

 

“That’s not even a name. Also it’s got Tom in it, we’re moving away from that if you hadn’t noticed.”

 

“Sorry, I’m just thinking of T-words.”

 

“Oh, yeah, shit, we’re gonna lose the whole double T thing, aren’t we?”

 

“I can always twin up with Thunder.”

 

“He doesn’t count, he’s Jack Manifold.”

 

“Yeah, but his Minecraft name’s Thunder!”

 

“It doesn’t -” she cuts herself off, shaking her head “- Tubbo, you’ve got to work with me here.”

 

“I’m trying!”

 

“Yeah, well, you’re clearly a bit shit at it, aren’t you?”

 

“I’ve never named anything before!”

 

“You named your channel.”

 

“I named it after myself, it’s just my nickname someone already gave me.”

 

“God, you are useless!”

 

“So you tell me some good girl names!”

 

“Fine!”

 

She pauses.

 

“Only thing that’s coming into my head is Sally.”

 

“You can’t be a salmon.”

 

“I fuckin’ know I can’t be a salmon, Tubbo -”

 

“What about Samantha?”

 

“It’s nice. Already got a Sam on this server, though, wouldn’t want to overlap.”

 

“Emily.”

 

“Emily’s good.”

 

“Rose.”

 

“Too short. Gotta be snappy. Like Tommy, it’s gotta be punchy. Goes with innit, if you can help it.”

 

“Ellie?”

 

“Now we’re getting somewhere.”

 

“Lily. Kelly. Oh my god, do you remember those adverts?”

 

“What?”

 

“We’re Lelly Kelly, the cutest shoes, oh yeah!”

 

“Wait - yeah, oh my god, I do. I always wanted that one with the pocket in the back of the shoe with the makeup in. Not for the makeup, really, for the secret pocket. You could put so much shit in there.”

 

“I had the Yotoy ones with the car in the heel.”

 

“Cars are bullshit. What did the girl ones have?”

 

“There was a doll in the girl ones. Teag and Lani had those ones. Wait, you could be called Teagan.”

 

“I’m not sharing a name with your fuckin’ sister, Tubbo.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Overlap, I’ve said this!”

 

“Fine. Rosemary.”

 

“That’s even fuckin’ less punchy -”

 

“Why don’t you give me some parameters, then, so I can work with something instead of just throwing random names out?”

 

She shifts in her chair, eyes flicking to look out of the window instead of at the screen, where her Minecraft character stands still while Tubbo jumps up and down a parkour course in front of her. “I don’t know. I guess it’s got to be good for Youtube - like I said, short and snappy. But… I want something pretty, too, you know? If it doesn’t sound girly there’s not much point in picking a girl name in the first place.”

 

“Did you already have any girl names you liked before?”

 

“Probably. I didn’t - you know, it’s all been a bit sudden, I never had any moments where I was thinking about it.”

 

“You have any pets or anything?”

 

“I can’t have the same name as my dog. Didn’t name her, anyway, they were Betty and Walter when I met them.”

 

“I didn’t mean real pets!”

 

“All my Minecraft pets are boys. I suppose I could turn Henry or Harvey into something, but it’s not… like, it’s not the right fit, is it?”

 

“You tell me.”

 

“Actually.” She’s thinking back to something stupid she said a week or two ago.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I could go with the name I was gonna call my pet moth.”

 

“You had a pet moth?”

 

“No. But if I did, she was gonna be Clementine.”

 

“How is that punchy?”

 

“Well, it’s not, but you could make it punchy. Clemmyinnit. Or Emmyinnit, if you really wanna chop the sounds off.”

 

“Clemmyinnit sounds good.”

 

“Can you - I mean, can you try it out?”

 

“What, just call you Clementine?”

 

“Yeah,” she grins sheepishly. Tubbo’s Minecraft character stops running around on the screen in front of her.

 

“Um,” he begins, uselessly.

 

“Go on, then.”

 

“I’m thinking about it!”

 

“Well, think harder.”

 

“You’re so annoying, Clem, you always do this. Don’t know why we’re best mates. Well, I do, it’s because you’re a great person, but still.”

 

“Hm.”

 

“You like it?”

 

“Yeah, I think so.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Thank you, Tubbo.”

 

“No problem, Clemmy.”

 

Yeah.

 

It’s nice.

 

And, of course, there’s one more person on her mind she’s got to inform of the new big change before she tells the rest of the world.

 

finnster my friend

 

hey mate have you got news for me?

 

oh i do i do

 

go on then lass

 

meet your old and extremely poggers friend clementine simons

 

that’s a lovely name

 

clemmyinnit if you will

or emmyinnit if you want to save space

 

i’m really proud of you clemmy

like that might be weird but it’s been nice to see you work all this out

 

thank you pal

really genuinely thank you for putting up with me

 

it’s no problem at all

 

cause i literally only went to you because you happened to be wearing a dress that one time and i knew you didnt know anything about being trans or anything i just

well eret was busy you know

 

that makes sense lol

 

but thanks for being there

was really helpful to have someone to go to

 

i’d do it again honestly mate

 

we should talk more

we should do a video or something

finnster makes womanhood 1000 per cent funnier

 

did i????????

 

oh absolutely

without you id probably still be repressing it tbh

 

well i guess thats… good lmao

 

it is mate it really is

right if youll excuse me ive got to go make just ludicrous amounts of money with technoblade

 

you have fun lol

 

enjoy your evening man

 

will do

 


 

Of course, there’s some things Finn can’t help with. Namely, because he’s not whitelisted, Finn can’t be there as Clem comes out to the rest of the Dream SMP.

 

And she’s thinking of coming out to her parents over Christmas dinner (showoff, she knows, but what else are they gonna do, COVID means it’s gonna be just the three of them at the table this year, they’re gonna need something to spice up the roast), so, obviously, Finn can’t be there for that either, but…

 

Her employers come first.

 

So she’s dropped a fun little @everyone in #gen-personal and she’s watching the crowd go wild.

 

Tommyinnit — Today at 3:28 PM

@everyone just transitioned to a woman, feeling good (not a joke)

 

Tubbo — Today at 3:28 PM

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT IS SO EPIC

 

WilburSoot — Today at 3:28 PM

did you… forget to tell us your new name

 

Dream — Today at 3:28 PM

???????

 

Tommyinnit — Today at 3:28 PM

no i was Getting to it

 

Fundy — Today at 3:28 PM

youre trans?

 

Nihachu — Today at 3:28 PM

no way :o

 

Sapnap — Today at 3:28 PM

Huh really?

 

~Clementine~ — Today at 3:28 PM

there i changed my nickname are you happy will

 

GeorgeNotFound — Today at 3:28 PM

cool

 

WilburSoot — Today at 3:28 PM

yes actually it looks good

 

Fundy — Today at 3:28 PM

thats awesome

 

Tubbo — Today at 3:29 PM

you shoud put the sparkel emoji

 

Ranboo — Today at 3:29 PM

wow congrats!

 

Technoblade — Today at 3:29 PM

pog

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:29 PM

you are so right tubbo

 

HBomb94 — Today at 3:29 PM

that’s great, congratulations!

 

Thunder1408 — Today at 3:29 PM

Poggers

 

Sapnap — Today at 3:29 PM

Yeah congrats

 

Ph1LzA — Today at 3:29 PM

Congratulations Clementine!

 

Tubbo — Today at 3:29 PM

i know i am so smart

 

Dream — Today at 3:29 PM

awesome!

 

Thunder1408 — Today at 3:29 PM

That was a bit insensitive actually i do genuinely wish you well mate

 

Karl Jacobs — Today at 3:29 PM

niceee! congrats

 

BadBoyHalo — Today at 3:29 PM

Wow that’s amazing! Nice to re-meet you Clementine!! :D

 

Quackity — Today at 3:29 PM

yo thats awesome congrats

 

Awesamdude — Today at 3:29 PM

cool! all the best!

 

Punz — Today at 3:29 PM

oh nice good luck!

 

Ponk — Today at 3:29 PM

Wait what are we congratulating

 

Skeppy — Today at 3:29 PM

hell yeah trans rights

 

WilburSoot — Today at 3:29 PM

trans rights indeed

 

Ponk — Today at 3:30 PM

Oh i see

Nice

 

Tubbo — Today at 3:30 PM

OR YOU GET THE GLOCK

 

jschlatt — Today at 3:30 PM

idk why i was summoned but yeah gun violence

 

Dream — Today at 3:30 PM

do you want me to change anything for you server wise? @✨Clementine✨

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:30 PM

no thank you dream i am fine i think

 

The_Eret — Today at 3:31 PM

What??? That’s so awesome!!

Welcome to the club sister

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:31 PM

thanks eret

i was going to tell you when i first noticed but you were busy winning mcc

congratulations by the way

 

The_Eret — Today at 3:31 PM

Well thank you :)

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:31 PM

actually @Dream one request

 

Dream — Today at 3:31 PM

yeah whats up

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:31 PM

would you whitelist finnster

 

Dream — Today at 3:31 PM

sure

after doomsday you know the rules lol

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:31 PM

pogchamp

 

WilburSoot — Today at 3:31 PM

well there you go

if anyone had doubts, she has Not changed

 

✨Clementine✨ — Today at 3:31 PM

oi

i resemble that remark

 

She’s playing along. She’s in a good mood. She’s just been slammed with a unanimous wall of love and acceptance.

 

(Elsewhere, in a Discord DM, two streamers start compiling an Amazon order for dresses and wigs and makeup.)

 

(Elsewhere elsewhere, in a different Discord DM, two streamers start compiling an Amazon order for pride merch and skirts and a multipack of cokes, because they think she deserves it, okay?)

 

In a bedroom in the middle of England, Clementine thanks her lucky stars that she’s so loved, and turns on her chill vibes playlist.

 

She’s glad she thought about this one.