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Nothing But Stardust

Summary:

Lance hasn't seen Keith since he left for the Blade. For all he knows, Keith might be dead. Things haven't been easy while he's been away. But things weren't easy when Keith was here before either. But when Keith suddenly shows up after several months, Lance is conflicted about his feelings for him, and what that might mean about himself. As he struggles to deal with homesickness, crippling isolation, past trauma, religious abuse, a new festering feeling for his teammate and more, Lance wonders if he can manage to survive another day--or if he even wants to.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1

Summary:

Lance talks to Shiro and underestimates the crippling loneliness of space

Chapter Text

When I was little I used to think that if I took a flying leap from my bedroom window I could hurl myself onto the nearest satellite and take a lap around the galaxy. Every night I would sneak out of bed and tear out the window screen to crawl up on the rooftop in hopes that if I stood on my tip toes I might just be able to reach out and grasp one of those dancing lights in my tiny little hands.

Sooner or later I fell, of course; lost balance after I let go of the shingles and fell a solid 15 feet into our vegetable garden, breaking my shoulder. I spent 12 weeks in a sling. But I was proud of my injury. In a strange way, it seemed to prove just how badly I wanted to get myself up there. I didn’t care how hard I would have to work or how much I would have to hurt, just so long as I could thrust my insignificant human morsel of dignity into that beautiful vaccum of chaos. A single moment up there would make it all worth it.

~ ~ ~

The fragile buzz of fluorescent lights out in the halls, the heavy rumble of the ship, the feeling of being enclosed in something hurtling through an endless void. It feels hollow.

I am drifting; hovering; floating in the midst of trillions of galaxies and solar systems.

I feel so far away. I close my eyes and ease time to a hum.

I am falling, dissolving into those trillions of galaxies. I am the fabric of space held together by the fine weave of gravity. I am a meteor tumbling into the craters of forgotten worlds. I am an utterly captivating constellation. I am—

“Lance.”

My eyelids flutter open.

I’m on the ship, sitting with space spread out in all its glory before me and my forehead pressed up against an expanse of glass. I turn around, greeted by warm brown eyes and a head of matted silvery hair. Their owner stifles a yawn and speaks again.

“Lance, why are you still up?” I hear the tiredness of their voice. “You should try to get some sleep. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. We’re scheduled to send Allura and Lotor out to investigate the Quintessence field we found.”

I turn back to face the glass. Those galaxies with their arms outstretched provide a more tempting offer than my bed. Nevertheless...

“Yeah, sure. Night Shiro,” I murmur.

We stand there silent for quite a while. The quiet is tense under the drol of the ship.

“Alright cadet, what’s on your mind?” Shiro finally brings himself to ask, taking a seat on the floor next to me.

“Nothing, it's fine.” I cast a sideways glance at him. “And cadet? really?”

“Aw, come on,” he smiles and gives me a nudge while letting his expression soften. “There’s clearly something bothering you. It’s okay.” He leans in against the glass to see me better. “You know I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Or, if you don’t want to talk but you still want someone to be there with you, that’s okay too.”

“If I talk will you leave me alone?” I know how things like this with Shiro go.

“Yes.”

I take a deep breath in and hold it. I sigh. “Look, I just...I miss--home.”

“Ah,” he nods. “Space getting to you already, cadet?”

I continue staring off blankly. “Sure, something like that.”

“Is—” he starts, but he cuts himself off.

I bring my attention to him again. “Is what?”

“Oh, just… Is there anything else bothering you?”

Yes. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m fucking sure,” I retort a little too sharply.

Shiro backs off, raising his hands in surrender, his eyes filled with concern. “Woah, okay. Sorry.”

I redden slightly, feeling guilty. “Sorry, I just…” I lock my eyes intently on a small blue moon circling a tiny red planet. “I just miss something else, too.”

Shiro casts me a knowing look. I roll my eyes.

“What”, I groan.

“It’s Keith, isn’t it.” He speaks slowly, delivering his next phrase delicately. “You miss him.”

God damn it. “Shut up.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with missing Keith. He’s our teammate and our friend. It’s only natural that you miss him,” Shiro elaborates.

“Okay, fine. But it’s not just that… I…” I consider what I should say. I don't know what I want to say. Nothing feels right. I shouldn't feel like this. “I just… Keith and I had a special bond. We were rivals. But we became friends too. And I know we give each other a lot of shit, but he’s honestly one of my favorite people.” I say it sincerely, but then I laugh under my breath.

“What?” Shiro gives me a confused look.

“Oh, nothing, just… He was one of the only people who didn’t treat me like I was stupid.”

“Well, yeah.” Shiro smiles, then frowns. “Wait, Lance, do people really treat you like you’re stupid?”

“Well, maybe poor choice of words but, I don’t know. Kind of.”

“Who?” There’s hurt in his eyes. I can tell he actually cares. It’s nice to remember what it feels like to be cared for.

“Well, I guess I feel like ever since Pidge and Hunk started getting to know each other better, they’re always around each other. The both of them are really smart and I guess I feel like they think I’m not as useful because I’m not smart like them. Or at least, I’m not an expert with tech or engineering or anything. And like, I’ve noticed that Pidge sometimes talks to me in a really condescending tone and it just makes me feel bad, you know? Because, don’t get me wrong, I love Pidge, but they can be really harsh and overcritical sometimes, and I just…” Deep breath. “And Hunk too. Hunk and I used to be best buds at the Garrison and we’d do everything together, but ever since he met Pidge I feel like I’ve been missing out on quality time with him. He and Pidge make a really good team, but I just feel left out when I’m with them now.”

Shiro nods. “I see.”

“And for a while it really sucked, because they would run off with each other and Keith would be… well, Keith, so I wasn’t sure what to do. He’d be off training or being a hotheaded ass, and everyone else would be busy, so I’d just sit here and look into the void. For a while it was kind of lonely.”

“I’m sorry Lance. I didn’t realize you felt like this. Why didn’t you talk to me or the others about this sooner?”

“I don’t know…I felt bad. I guess, maybe because I come from a big family and my parents and older siblings are always so stressed out taking care of the little ones and staying on top of the bills and cooking and work… I never wanted to be a burden to any of them, or to any of you.”

“Lance, if it makes you feel better, there’s no bills in space—at least as far as I know. Maybe I should ask Allura about that.”

“That wasn’t really my point, but… I guess I just figured that, like, you guys are Paladins of Voltron. You have so much work to do as it is and after missions everyone is usually really tired. And as someone who knows how much responsibility it is to be a Paladin, I just figured that it would be easier for you guys if you stayed focused on the missions instead of focusing on my problems. I don’t want to be a burden to my friends.”

“Lance, paladin to paladin, you can always talk to me. Doesn’t matter if we’ve got a mission or if we’re coming back from one, or if we fail one or succeed in one. I’m always here if you need to talk.” He puts his nonmetal hand on my shoulder. It’s warm. “Lance, we all care about you a lot, and I’m sure that if you talked to Hunk or Pidge or any of the others they would all say the same thing. You’re important to us Lance. We want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Thanks, Shiro…”

We sit together in silence, staring into the shimmering void. Shiro shifts and stretches a leg out. I still feel bad. I fight the urge to pick at my nails. It’s only been a week since I last tore them apart and now they’re finally starting to heal. I start counting the stars as we pass instead. One red, one blue.

“How long has it been since he left?” he asks. Another red.

“7 months, as of yesterday.”

Shiro studies me for a moment, then turns to face the glass. “You don’t have to count, you know.”

“I know.”

We stare at the void together for a long time. I want to feel lost again, but I can’t make my eyes unfocus. Soon once again, everything is blurry, blurred by something wet. My eyes burn. Another blue. Another red.

I stand up abruptly and start to make my way down the starkly lit hallway, but I feel a hand move lightly up to my shoulder, stopping me mid-step. He’s caught me before I could escape. My head snaps up to look at him with an expression I pray is convincing.

“Hey. Lance. His voice is smooth, sympathetic, kind. “He will come back.”

“I know,” I repeat, but my voice breaks. I try to play it off by shaking free of Shiro’s grasp but it’s too late. I can already feel the corners of my eyes pooling. Then They’re overflowing, sliding down my cheeks and onto my chapped lips, and I know he can see me. I grit my teeth. I don’t need his sympathy. I don’t want it. I don’t want him to see me.

“Woah, hey there, Lance. It’s okay, it’s okay. Come here.” Shiro says, suddenly pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arms around me. The warmth of his body should be comforting but I can’t help but feel trapped by his touch. As the cool metal of his right hand makes contact with my bare arms, it triggers something in me and I flinch, shoving him away from me.

“Don’t touch me.” I hold everything close, every limb, every breath.

Shiro immediately pulls away, eyes widened in apology. “Sorry—I should’ve asked first. I forget that you don’t like to be touched during these sorts of things.” He backs up a few steps, giving me some space. My stomach drops a little. I feel kind of nauseous but not enough to throw up. I feel shitty for making him apologize. He didn't do anything wrong. I just feel wrong. Everything feels wrong.

“No, no. Sorry, I don’t know why I said that. It—it’s fine, really.” I fold my arms and pinch the bridge of my nose between my eyes as if a migraine were setting in. “I just—I think I need to be alone right now.”

I feel like I need to contort my body and break every bone. It’s like the emptiness got to empty and now something worse has filled it up. I need to move. I need to get this feeling--this thing--out. My head is a torrent. Everything is spiraling. I feel dizzy. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.

Why do I even feel like this? This is stupid. Stop crying. Fuck, stop crying. You’re pathetic. This isn’t something to cry over. He’s not dead. Fuck, he’s not dead. If he was dead they would’ve sent a notice. Fuck, I wish I was dead. No I don’t what the fuck. Lance shut up. Stop shaking god damn it.

“Yeah, of course.” He nods. “Maybe sleep soon though, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“And let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay, thanks Shiro.”

He nods at me as if to say goodnight, and then heads back towards his room. I want to beg him to stay with me. I don’t. I am left standing in the hall, alone in the dark, space laid out in all its emptiness before me. I gaze out of the large window, my stomach full of a bitter, sickly feeling. My head hurts. Everything is blurry. I can’t focus my eyes. Another red. Another blue. The fragile buzz of fluorescent lights out in the halls, the heavy rumble of the ship, the feeling of being enclosed in something hurtling through space. It feels worse than hollow.