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Three B's

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Wei Wuxian: guys. i have a plan

Wei Wuxian: an amazing plan

Nie Huaisang: ??

Jiang Cheng: don’t encourage him

Wei Wuxian: too late! I feel extremely encouraged

Wei Wuxian: the plan is this

Wei Wuxian: i’m going to seduce lan zhan

Nie Huaisang: lmao

Jiang Cheng: the fuck’s wrong with you

Wen Qing: Wow. Just wow

Nie Huaisang: please don’t tell him!!! I want to see how this plays out

Wei Wuxian: tell me what

Nie Huaisang: nothing. tell us about the plan

Wei Wuxian: right! the plan!

Wei Wuxian: I call it Three B’s. Three B’s as in BOTTOMS UP, BOTTOMS OFF, BOTTOM DOWN

Wei Wuxian: you want to know why?

Jiang Cheng: no

Wei Wuxian: it’s simple! first i ask lan zhan to come hang out, and we drink, thus: bottoms up! then, after I’ve gotten a little liquid courage, i will make a move and lan zhan will be seduced and we take off our clothes, thus: bottoms off! which will lead to me getting absolutely railed, wailing for mercy, thus: bottom down!

Nie Huaisang: so it’s like ‘man down’ but about a bottom?

Wei Wuxian: precisely

Jiang Cheng: i hate you

Wen Qing: Wei Wuxian, you are a trainwreck. I want no part in this.

Wen Ning: Good luck! :)


Wei Wuxian put the group chat away, ignoring his terrible friends (except for Wen Ning, who was an angel) in order to start crafting a message to Lan Zhan.

It was a good plan! Really! He’d been devising it for a while now. Three months, to be exact. Ever since he’d realized he was in love with his best friend and wanted to do something about it.

It had happened sort of out of nowhere, too. They’d been hanging out at Lan Zhan’s apartment, Lan Zhan doing some sort of an analysis of a musical piece while Wei Wuxian had ignored his own assignments in order to play with Lan Zhan’s phone.

The guy had a few pre-installed games there that he had never once opened, so all the records were set by bored Wei Wuxian. He’d made a habit of stealing Lan Zhan’s phone during their shared lectures. And when they studied together. And when they ate. So basically whenever Lan Zhan ignored him.

In any case, Wei Wuxian had been playing there on Lan Zhan’s bed, and then he’d gotten hungry, and he’d turned to Lan Zhan to whine about it, but the man just tilted his head towards the closet and said, without lifting his gaze from the screen: “Third drawer. Popped lotus seeds.”

And Wei Wuxian had gotten stuck just staring at him then. His best friend, who he’d worn out into a reluctant friendship during high school, who started at the same college as him afterwards because they were close by then, and who apparently kept snacks in the closet just for Wei Ying.

The warm feeling he’d felt at that was not unfamiliar in the slightest, but it was the first time he’d stopped to think about it.

Because there had been these things he’d known the whole time, of course. Like that Lan Zhan was insanely hot. And so smart. And the best person Wei Wuxian knew. And that out of all people, his attention and his company were the ones Wei Wuxian craved the most.

But he’d never really managed to connect those things together into the picture they made. The clear, obvious realization that he was in love with his best friend.

Anyway, he’d eaten the snacks then, and played his game, all the while resisting the temptation to just scream his love at Lan Zhan’s face. He hadn’t wanted to terrify the man!

He needed to be wise about it!

So it took him three months to figure out how to optimize his chances. Firstly, they’d need safe, loosened up atmosphere where it would be easy for Wei Wuxian to make a move and easy for Lan Zhan to say no. Lan Zhan totally wouldn’t drink with him, but he did seem to be fine with keeping company whenever Wei Wuxian did.

So he would drink, and they would either fuck or Wei Wuxian’s heart would be shattered. But he knew Lan Zhan would be gentle about letting him down! So it was fine!

And the risk/reward balance was great, because Lan Zhan wouldn’t stop being his friend just because Wei Wuxian was in love with him. He was pretty sure of that. Like, ninety-eight percent sure. Good numbers.

So he quickly typed out a casual sounding message, rewriting it over only a few times. He knew Lan Zhan had nothing tonight, and it was Saturday tomorrow, so there was no need to get back home quick.


Wei Wuxian: lan zhan!!!

Wei Wuxian: wanna hang out tonight? watch a movie or something? i’m feeling very lonely and in the need of my er-gege’s company :(


He waited impatiently for the reply. Usually Lan Zhan sent a message back pretty swiftly, the moment he noticed it. Lan Zhan never got distracted while typing a message, either, which Wei Wuxian could not relate to.

He turned back to the group chat after a moment.


Wei Wuxian: lan zhan is not replying ughhh

Jiang Cheng: good

Wei Wuxian: shidi you are heartless

Nie Huaisang: hmm

Nie Huaisang: remind me, why do you want to seduce him again

Wei Wuxian: you know why!!!!!

Nie Huaisang: can’t remember

Wen Qing: why are you doing this

Wei Wuxian: you too, wen qing?? obviously because i’m in love with lan zhan!!!!

Wen Qing: not you. huaisang, why are you doing this?

Nie Huaisang: because i love love


Wei Wuxian’s attention was turned from the group chat as Lan Zhan finally seemed to be typing a response. It took a while for Lan Zhan to answer, though, but when the message popped up, it wasn’t very long.


Lan Zhan: Yes. What time would be appropriate?

Wei Wuxian: around six? you could stay the night!!

Wei Wuxian: let’s have a sleepover!! we’ve had those before, right? it’s fun

Wei Wuxian: it’s fun, right, lan zhan?

Lan Zhan: Yes.

Wei Wuxian: !!!!!!!!! :D


A little jittery with excitement, Wei Wuxian put the phone away. He’d have to make a quick trip to the store. He needed something to drink. Breath mints. Lube. Only good stuff. And maybe some comfort food, should the whole thing turn into a disaster.




Wei Wuxian had showered, cleaned the apartment, changed the sheets, cleaned again because he kind of made a new mess in a small moment of boredom, and turnedthe tv on by the time Lan Zhan knocked the door, six o’clock precisely. He opened the door with nervousness and excitement both trying to take over, which probably made him seem a bit manic.

Lan Zhan looked just as handsome as always in his pale blues and whites. His long hair was in a ponytail, much sleeker and shinier than Wei Wuxian’s. There was an overnight bag on his other hand, while the other held a bag that smelled like take-away food.

“Lan Zhan! You didn’t have to,” Wei Wuxian said, but his grin was already getting wider.

He grabbed the bag from the other, peeking inside. Something spicy, he could tell. Lan Zhan was too good!

Of course, this was nothing new. Lan Zhan usually brought food with him whenever they hung out at Wei Wuxian’s, mostly because the man was hell-bent on making sure Wei Wuxian ate something other than instant noodles every now and then.

Also, Lan Zhan was, like, super rich. Wei Wuxian had been to their family mansion a few times, and if he himself hadn’t been brought up with the Jiangs, who were almost as wealthy, Wei Wuxian probably couldn’t have stopped gawking.

Anyway, he’d dropped chili oil on Lan Zhan’s uncle’s fancy tablecloth and earned himself a lifelong ban from visiting again.

“Has Wei Ying eaten already?”

“I have, but I’m not going to tell you what,” he replied. “We’re not going to have that ‘snacks are not a meal’ conversation again, because that always leads to the ‘healthy habits’ conversation and then that leads to the ‘you slept how many hours last night, Wei Ying?’ conversation, and that’ll give both of us a headache.”

Lan Zhan huffed.

“You can put your bag in my room,” he said offhandedly while taking the food to the kitchen. “I’ll put the dishes on real plates, don’t worry.”

Lan Zhan made a noise that meant he’d heard, and then only after he’d disappeared into Wei Wuxian’s room did he remember that, uh, that usually Lan Zhan slept on the couch. So he put the bag under the window of the living room.

But Lan Zhan hadn’t said anything about it, so he mustn’t have thought anything of it.

Soon they were both sitting on the couch, Wei Wuxian with his healthy red dish and Lan Zhan with his bland, sad-looking vegetables, scrolling through tv shows to watch. Lan Zhan never had opinion on that, content with whatever Wei Wuxian wanted to watch.

It was a funny quirk of Lan Zhan’s. The guy never once complained about Wei Wuxian’s choice of a movie or show, no matter how ridiculous, but when it came to eating straight out of the take out box, he could look at Wei Wuxian disapprovingly for ages until he relented and went to get a real bowl for the food.

He’d once said it was about the principle. Wei Wuxian thought he was just too well raised.

“Lan Zhan, what are we feeling like tonight? Do we want action? Horror?” Wei Wuxian clicked through increasingly uninteresting shows. He was too nervous to care about any of them. “Comedy? Romance?”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan replied.

Wei Wuxian might’ve choked a little. “U-uh, romance? Is that right? Haha, let’s see what we have!”

His hands felt weirdly sweaty then. Was that supposed to happen? There was no rule book for how your body should feel when you’re having a chill night in with your best friend who you were attempting to seduce.

But this was a good thing, right? Lan Zhan wanted to watch romance! That could set the mood.

He picked a cute looking flick at random, something about a shy librarian girl and a hot bad boy who had a heart of gold or something. Wei Wuxian was only interested in taking quick glances of Lan Zhan’s reactions while stuffing his face with the food.

Ugh, Lan Zhan was so handsome! Especially when the light of the tv hit his face like that. All serious, like he was actually making an attempt to take the movie as something worthwhile instead of a forgettable flick from last year’s Valentine’s day.

But the expression was completely neutral watching it, not getting any flustered or more visibly open to romantic advances or anything, and at some point Wei Wuxian realized he himself had missed most of the start of it. He then tried to turn his attention wholly to whatever was happening in the movie.

“Oh, oh no, is he going to use a pick-up line? That’s so bad! Why would anyone do that? Those don’t work in real life!” Wei Wuxian groaned when the romantic lead cornered the girl at the library and spouted some nonsense to her.

“How does Wei Ying know?” Lan Zhan asked, and Wei Wuxian bit his own tongue, because fine, maybe he didn’t know! But it was obvious, wasn’t it?

“Well, well, you know,” he said, waving his hands. “I mean, I haven’t personally used a pick-up line, and it’s not like people line up to use one on me, but I have a feeling about it.”

“A feeling,” said Lan Zhan.

“Okay, fine, I would need some personal experience to verify that,” Wei Wuxian admitted. “But it’s not that hard to imagine, right?”

“Mn,” the other replied, noncommittal.

Wei Wuxian squinted, glancing at the screen again where the girl was looking reluctantly charmed. “Maybe I’d be open to it. For research purposes.”

Lan Zhan blinked at him, gaze unreadable. Then –

“Touch my shirt,” the man said, like it was a normal thing to demand.

And because Wei Wuxian was weak and embarrassing and kind of liked it when Lan Zhan bossed him around, he didn’t even ask before placing his hand squarely on Lan Zhan’s rock hard chest.

“Um,” Wei Wuxian said. “That’s – that’s a nice chest, Lan Zhan.”

“The shirt.”

“The shirt?”

“It is made out of boyfriend material,” Lan Zhan said with a complete poker face.

Wei Wuxian, a hand on his titty, just stared. And then let out a burst of laughter.

“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, it doesn’t work with you!” he wheezed. “You’re so hot you could just straight up tell someone you were their boyfriend, and they’d be delighted!”

A line appeared between Lan Zhan’s eyebrows.

“Hahaha, besides, you sound so serious people might actually think your shirt was made of something called boyfriend material! I’m halfway convinced myself, haha!”

Lan Zhan stared at him for long enough that the laughter had died completely. Then the guy shook his head, turning back to the television with a frown. Wei Wuxian felt just the tiniest bit confused over it.

Then again, they didn’t really talk about romance and dating a lot. Maybe the topic made Lan Zhan uncomfortable.

That didn’t bode well for Wei Wuxian’s plans for the rest of the evening. He grimaced internally. They had to get back to a flirty mood. Or arrive to a flirty mood. He didn’t know if there had been one before.

Lan Zhan had tried a pick-up line, so that was, uh, something! But Lan Zhan was otherworldly in his beauty so Wei Wuxian was really pretty sure he didn’t even have to open his mouth to attract a line of people to fight for his hand.

Come to think of it, Lan Zhan really didn’t talk that much anyway. Maybe he knew?

“Hey, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said then. “Do you think it would work if I used a pick-up line? Something other than ‘be my boyfriend’”

The frown smoothed out on Lan Zhan’s perfect face as the man turned to him, nodding. “Mn.”

Wei Wuxian grinned, perking up. So Lan Zhan thought it would work! Though Lan Zhan probably wouldn’t say that if he knew who the target was.

Oh, oh god. Wei Wuxian was starting to feel even more sweaty just thinking about it. Would Lan Zhan even get that Wei Wuxian was hitting on him? It wasn’t like Wei Wuxian didn’t compliment him all the time anyway.

And what about the worse possibility: Lan Zhan hearing him say the pick-up line and then awkwardly excusing himself and then sending a message tomorrow to him saying that he thought they were better as friends, but the pick-up line would totally work on somebody else who wasn’t him. And maybe was someone gross, like Su She.

Lan Zhan was still staring him, almost expectant, but the thought spiral Wei Wuxian was pulled in wasn’t going to let him go anytime soon, so Wei Wuxian just let out a nervous burst of laughter before turning back to the tv.

Lan Zhan’s eyes stayed on his profile for a long moment before dropping away. Wei Wuxian's heart was in his throat.

Ugh, this was why he’d wanted alcohol in the mix! Just some liquid courage! He obviously had none to spare from himself!

He would’ve absolutely done it already, were the object of his affections anyone but Lan Zhan. But it was Lan Zhan! His best friend! The guy he had almost obsessively teased and poked and bothered for any ounce of attention he could get until they were something to each other!

Was it so wrong to be just a little bit scared of the changing dynamic?

These were excuses, of course. Lan Zhan was too good to let anything come between their friendship. Lan Zhan did care for him, Wei Wuxian knew that. It was clear from the way the guy made sure he slept enough, and always waited for him by the cafeteria so they could have lunch together even when he was busy.

And Wei Wuxian always made sure to have a spare teabag or two in his backpack so that whenever he dragged Lan Zhan into social situations, the man would have something to drink other than whatever alcohol was served. They did things like that for each other.

So, yes, they obviously cared about each other! And now Wei Wuxian had the great idea to add sex to that, which never complicated things at all and never ruined friendships!

Oh god, he was going to hyperventilate. The movie just continued on before his eyes and he didn’t internalize any of it.

He skipped the panic and went mentally back to that moment minutes ago when his hand had been on Lan Zhan (Built! Muscly! What the hell!) chest. His happy place.

“Well that was great!” Wei Wuxian jumped up the moment the film was over. “Didn’t you just love the scene where they made out and confessed their love? Very sweet! We should do that sometime!”

He realized what he’d said just the moment Lan Zhan stiffened next to him, and hastily continued: “Haha! I mean, with the people we’re in love with! I should make out and confess my love to the person I like, and you should to the one you like, and then we should make out with our separate people!”

Lan Zhan mouthed the word ‘separate’. Wei Wuxian laughed a little more, heart stuttering in his chest, hands still weirdly sweaty.

Fuck! “Let’s drink!”

Lan Zhan, pulled out of his momentary daze, just nodded.

So they got the bottle of hard liquor Wei Wuxian had bought, and settled at the table because Lan Zhan probably wanted tea and they had to have somewhere to settle the hot mug whenever Lan Zhan wasn’t sipping it.

Wei Wuxian took himself four shot glasses. He allowed himself that many tries. If he hadn’t confessed by the fourth, he’d just give up and disappear in disgrace. Embarrassing, the whole ordeal! Who wanted to confess their love anyway?

“What kind of tea do you want, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked.

“No need,” Lan Zhan said. “I will not drink.”

“Oh. Okay. Is it bad that I do?” Wei Wuxian licked his lips, unsure.

But Lan Zhan, too good, just shook his head insistently. “No. Wei Ying should do what is the most comfortable for him.”

Something warm settled in his chest at the words. Lan Zhan really was too nice in thinking of his comfort like that. And Wei Wuxian just wanted to get drunk enough to confess and maybe have some sex.

A thought crossed his mind. Would Lan Zhan give him pity sex if he wasn’t in love with Wei Wuxian?

“Lan Zhan! Am I hot?” he asked then, sitting down next to the man.

Lan Zhan swallowed. “Mn.”

Wei Wuxian heaved a sigh of relief. “Oh, good. That’s good.”

So, maybe pity sex?

Then he realized what he’d just said. “I mean, it’s good for normal reasons! General reasons! Right? Friends fish for compliments all the time, right?”

Lan Zhan might’ve thought he was insane. Still, the man nodded. Like he’d heard something reasonable instead of Wei Wuxian doing a whole body slam on an ‘abort mission’ button.

“Let’s drink!” Wei Wuxian yelped then, desperately trying to move on.

He took the liquor and poured the four shot glasses full. Normally, he’d just have a few glasses of wine. Sometimes a bottle, when Lan Zhan wasn’t there frowning at him. That hadn’t happened in a while, though, so his tolerance might’ve gotten a little weaker.

“Bottoms up!” Wei Wuxian raised a glass, and from the corner of his eye could spot Lan Zhan’s ears darkening just a little bit.

He downed the shot, making a face right after. Oh, gross! He really should’ve asked Lan Zhan to bring him something good and expensive instead of buying the cheapest bottle with the highest percentage with his own money.

Both him and his bank account were weeping for this decision.

And Lan Zhan was still staring at him, like he was expecting something!

“Wow, that’s potent though,” Wei Wuxian said, because the drink definitely went straight to his head.

Didn’t do anything for his nerves, though! What a lie, ‘liquid courage’! Now he was tipsy and cowardly instead of just cowardly.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said anyway. Swallowed.

Lan Zhan nodded, gaze intense. “Mn.”

“Um, uh, do you – have you ever considered dating?” he asked, avoiding those pale eyes. The ceiling looked kinda weird. He never looked at the ceiling. Was it weird that he was looking at the ceiling?

It probably was. No, it definitely was. He turned to look at the wall behind Lan Zhan’s broad, beautiful shoulders.

“Yes,” Lan Zhan said then, with a meaningful emphasis.

Wei Wuxian’s heart dropped before he realized that wait, wasn’t this what he’d wanted? That meant Lan Zhan wasn’t against dating! Now he’d only need to eliminate the seductive harlot of Lan Zhan’s daydreams.The one Lan Zhan had thought about dating.

Oh, what a thought. Lan Zhan dating someone other than him.

“Wow, that’s crazy,” he said, and then glanced at Lan Zhan. Whose gaze was still on him, searching. “So. How was your day?”

The man blinked. Then exhaled softly. “It was adequate.”

“Oh, adequate! Wait, I know what this means. Su She bothered you again, didn’t he?” Wei Wuxian guessed.

It had been bit of a problem at one point, Su She’s constant attempts to dominate Lan Zhan’s attention. With frankly sad success rate. Wei Wuxian would’ve been more forgiving to the guy had he not treated all the rest of the people around him so badly.

It was like only Lan Zhan’s company was good enough for him. Which was fair, absolutely, but why did he have to look at Wei Wuxian like dirt as well? It made Lan Zhan really pissed when people did that, and Lan Zhan being annoyed was only funny when Wei Wuxian was the cause.

“Mn. He wanted to show a piece he’d composed,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Wuxian hurried to cut in: “No, don’t tell me – he’d plagiarized that as well from one of your old pieces? Like, note for note?”

Lan Zhan nodded. “Some parts.”

“Unforgivable.” Wei Wuxian shook his head, and it felt a little wobbly because the alcohol had gone straight to his head, apparently.

“Mn. I do not care to discuss him,” Lan Zhan said then. “How was Wei Ying’s day?”

He squinted, trying to remember. He’d woken up excited about his seduction plan, then he’d shared said seduction plan with his friends in the group chat, then he’d cleaned every place in the house and also himself – hah – and then Lan Zhan had showed up.

Voicing any of that was not a good way to seduce/confess to his best friend.

“Good. Great. Amazing, actually,” Wei Wuxian stated. “I, um, I was really productive today. With, you know, household stuff.”

“Household stuff.”

“Yes! Cleaning. I vacuumed, can you not tell? Aren’t I just the best homemaker, huh?” Wei Wuxian grinned. “Like, I’d make the perfect househusband. And a trophy husband. Both.”

Lan Zhan leaned in as he nodded, somehow turning a bit more intense again. “Mn.”

Wei Wuxian hadn’t expected such a clear, honest agreement. He felt himself redden a little. Dammit, Lan Zhan, you weren’t supposed to be smooth! How hard was it to be completely stoic and uncaring when your closest confidant tried to confess to you?

Wei Wuxian downed another shot to do something with his hands. Lan Zhan’s pretty eyes widened.

“Haha, wow, I should not drink these in so quick succession.”

“Mn. Slow down,” Lan Zhan said.

There was something weird about him tonight. Wei Wuxian had noticed his intense stares and almost anticipatory look, but he had no idea what Lan Zhan could be waiting for. Maybe it was just Wei Wuxian and his overactive imagination going crazy out of nervousness.

Though as he started talking about things that had nothing to do with confession or any such things concerning romance, Lan Zhan seemed to sort of grow a little bit unsure. Like, his gaze sometimes flickered from the shot glasses to Wei Wuxian’s face and back, and then somewhere over Wei Wuxian’s shoulder – to his room, maybe? – and back.

Did – did Lan Zhan want to go to bed? Was he too embarrassed to ask Wei Wuxian to shut up with his ramblings and let him sleep?

But usually when Lan Zhan stayed over he wouldn’t go to sleep at nine! He’d absolutely, without an exception, stay up with Wei Wuxian for the entirety of the time it took Wei Wuxian to drink himself tired.

Oh, god. Had he chosen the one night in a year Lan Zhan didn’t want to stay up with him?

“Lan Zhan!” he said then, cutting short his own story about an awful assignment. “Did you want to go to sleep?”

Lan Zhan blinked at him, opening his mouth. Then closed it, eyes narrowing, like thinking the words through. Like it was some kind of a trick question with a hidden meaning.

“You can tell me if you’re tired,” Wei Wuxian continued. “If you wanted to go to sleep, it would be fine! I wouldn’t force you to stay up with me!”

The confusion faded from Lan Zhan’s face, the guy letting out the softest of sighs. “I am not tired. I want to stay up with Wei Ying.”

“Oh. Okay. Good.” Wei Wuxian took the third shot glass and downed that too.

He was going to die. He was never going to manage confessing, and he was going to die. Why did it feel like that? It wasn’t like this was his only chance! Lan Zhan wasn’t going anywhere!

Except apparently Lan Zhan was open to dating, and what if when Lan Zhan left tomorrow, he’d run into some hot morning jogger with a bubble butt and beautiful laughter?

Wei Wuxian had a bubble butt, but Jiang Cheng said he sounded like a gremlin when he laughed and he could never drag himself out of the bed early enough for any running he did to be called ‘morning jog’!

Was Lan Zhan going to get snatched from him, just like that? And all because he hadn’t had the guts to confess in time!

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian said then, forcefully.

There was the familiar flash of intensity in Lan Zhan’s gaze again as the guy looked at him with an open expression.

Wei Wuxian opened his mouth. Why did it feel dry, all of a sudden? Had his salivary glands stopped working?

Did being in love cause slowly advancing brain damage?

“I – isn’t it boring to just watch me drink?” he asked, pointing at the final shot glass. “You should drink with me!”

Yes, that was a great idea! Wei Wuxian was so drunk already that even if they had the pity sex or the celebratory new relationship sex then Lan Zhan would probably find it sketchy to have Wei Wuxian drunk and himself sober.

It would be fine if they were both drunk, right? This seemed like a great solution to Wei Wuxian. He wasn’t sure what sober him would think of that, but drunk him was fully on board.

Lan Zhan was staring at the glass, then, and what were the odds? The guy nodded suddenly, firmly, before downing the shot.

Wei Wuxian was so shocked he could only stare, mouth agape like the drunkest goldfish in the world.

“Lan Zhan?” he asked, as the man’s expression stayed neutral, not a spot of color on his face,

Was Lan Zhan’s alcohol tolerance so good it did absolutely nothing to him? This was way unfair! Lan Zhan was hot, intelligent, great at everything he did, and now this as well? Aiyah, such was the cruelty of the world!

And then Lan Zhan promptly passed out at the table.

“Well,” Wei Wuxian said, staring at the four empty shot glasses and one Lan Zhan, blackout drunk. “Fuck.”




Wei Wuxian woke up in his bed, a little bleary-eyed and a lot more nauseated. Oh, he hadn’t drunk water before going to sleep. Why hadn’t he drunk water? Lan Zhan always made him –

Oh. Last night came crashing back to him, a hammer straight into his frontal lobe. His unsuccessful attempts at confessing, getting increasingly more drunk and then having Lan Zhan pass out. Wei Wuxian had dragged him to the couch and tucked him in like a proper friend.

After which he had gone to sleep himself.

He throttled himself only a little with the pillow before dragging himself up, nothing if not courageous after a failed plan, ruined with absolute cowardice. His friends would roast him to hell and back in the group chat.

They would totally blame the great name of the plan, too.

He braved the embarrassment and left the room, only to smell the most heavenly scent hanging in the air. Lan Zhan was there, in front of the stove, clearly frying something in the pan. Making them breakfast? No way.

That had been his dream scenario. Lan Zhan and him staying up the whole night, trying out every available position on every surface of the apartment. Then in the morning Lan Zhan would cook him food and kiss him deeply and tell him he was good.

One out of four was pretty good in Wei Wuxian’s estimation.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian called. “Good morning! Are you making us hangover breakfast?”

Lan Zhan looked up from the vegetables he was stirring. “Mn. How are you feeling?”

“Bad! I need lots of water,” he said, walking past the man to the cabinet. In vain, it seemed – a full glass of water was already placed there on the table for him. He backtracked.

Lan Zhan had clearly already showered and changed clothes, and also probably gone out to get some ingredients for the breakfast because Wei Wuxian’s fridge definitely didn’t hold that many vegetables in it.

It had…chili oil? That was a type of vegetable, but sauced.

“Did you go buy stuff from downstairs?” Wei Wuxian asked after drinking his glass of perfectly cold water.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan replied. He took two plates out and put half of the vegetables and eggs on Wei Wuxian’s plate, and half of them on his own. Then he spiced the other one up, and left the other one alone.

“Did you happen to run into any good-looking joggers?” Wei Wuxian asked.

Lan Zhan turned to look at him, frown on his face. “No. Was that a possibility?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Wei Wuxian said. “I don’t go outside early enough.”

With a shake of his head, Lan Zhan took the plates and made to the table. He placed the deliciously red food before Wei Wuxian like a world-class waiter. Wei Wuxian beamed at him, and something in the hardened gaze of Lan Zhan softened.

“Thank you! Lan Zhan is the best cook I know,” he praised, and then wolfed down the entire meal in an unhealthy amount of time.

Lan Zhan ate very slowly, chewing every bite about a million years. Wei Wuxian snatched the phone placed next to him, ready to hit a new record while Lan Zhan ate.

Whenever they were at the table, Lan Zhan insisted on not talking while eating. It was apparently a habit in their household. In Wei Wuxian’s childhood the dinner table was the place of intricate psychological warfare, so he could not relate.

So Wei Wuxian attempted his best to honor his friend’s request, especially when he felt like he owed him an apology. Like right now, after having the poor guy drink a shot he definitely hadn’t been able to handle.

Wei Wuxian opened the game and started earning points, brain turned off as he went with learned motions. Tap, tap, tap, he touched the screen.

Then a message appeared from a group chat, and Wei Wuxian automatically clicked on it.


Nie Huaisang: so? did it work out? don’t keep us in suspense!!!!

Jiang Cheng: wei wuxian if you share any details I will strangle you

Lan Wangji: no!!!!! guys it was a catastrophe!!! I chickened out and kept drinking and then lan zhan took a shot and passed out!!

Nie Huaisang: omfg.

Jiang Cheng: are you really this dumb

Lan Wangji: wym

Lan Wangji: oh


Wei Wuxian’s eyes were stuck on the name before his message. Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji. He was using Lan Zhan’s phone, and Lan Zhan was part of the group chat, and –

And that meant that Lan Zhan had seen his messages yesterday.

Of course he hadn’t remembered Lan Zhan was part of the group chat. The man never sent any messages there! He never participated! In anything social! So he’d known – so he’d –

Wei Wuxian’s whole face was on fire as he kept staring at the screen, unable to look up at Lan Zhan who had stopped eating in order to stare at Wei Wuxian because he was absolutely frozen and that never happened.

Lan Zhan had known. The whole time. Lan Zhan had known the invite had been a thinly veiled excuse for Wei Wuxian to get a chance at seduction, and he’d known that Wei Wuxian was doing it because he was so embarrassingly in love with Lan Zhan.

Then again, Lan Zhan had known, and had come anyway. And then – watched a romantic movie with him? Suggested it, even? He’d brought Wei Wuxian food and kept him company while he drank and then looked at him very expectantly like he was waiting for Wei Wuxian to make a move.

He had come.

Suddenly emboldened, face the color of his breakfast, Wei Wuxian looked up from the phone. Lan Zhan really was staring at him, looking a little caught-out, just a tad embarrassed with the bright red tips of his ears.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said. “You’re in the group chat.”

Lan Zhan’s eyes widened just a bit more. Slightly terrified. “Mn.”

“You knew I was planning to seduce you,” Wei Wuxian continued. “With my – with my Three B’s plan.”

The guy’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Mn.”

“And you were just going to let that happen.”

Lan Zhan nodded. “Mn.”

The phone thudded as Wei Wuxian placed it on the table. His hands were sweaty again, something tingling on the bottom of his stomach.

“Why?” he asked, but he might’ve been audacious enough to guess.

His best friend looked a little speechless as he stared at Wei Wuxian then. A little bit embarrassed.

“You said you were in love with me,” Lan Zhan stated, and sounded strangely unsure. “That...was that true?”

Out of all the things to get uncertain over. This one, this obvious one. Lan Zhan looked so vulnerable just then, eyes wide and – was that hopeful? Wei Wuxian was feeling hopeful. He prayed to every god in existence that that was hopeful.

“Yes, Lan Zhan, that was the motive behind the seduction plan,” Wei Wuxian said very insistently. “Which I failed, by the way. Miserably. I wanted you to plow me into the mattress.”

“Yes,” said Lan Zhan, ears flaming. “I read the message.”

“Right. Haha, right, you did.”

Lan Zhan cleared his throat. “Wei Ying – I love you. As well.”

Wei Wuxian felt like his entire face would melt off, what with being so warm. His chest as well. The entirety of him. Lan Zhan loved him back. Lan Zhan loved him back.

“Oh. Okay. That’s – great. That’s amazing. What a coincidence, haha? The both of us. In love with each other.”

The corners of Lan Zhan’s mouth turned slightly upwards. “Mn.”

“We could make out,” Wei Wuxian said. “We could finish the plan. In the bedroom. If you were up for it.”

Lan Zhan cleared his throat again. “I am.”

This was enough incentive for Wei Wuxian to stumble out of his chair and take the few steps to Lan Zhan. And like he wasn’t feeling entirely too overwhelmed on the inside, he went and sat down on Lan Zhan’s lap.

There were strong hands immediately sliding around his waist and pulling him closer. Lan Zhan smelled like sandalwood, and maybe like comfort.

“Hey,” said Wei Wuxian. He pressed his hand on the chest, felt the madly beating heart of Lan Zhan. Underneath his fingers, the shirt that was made of boyfriend material.


“Be my boyfriend?”

Lan Zhan kissed him for an answer.




Nie Huaisang: wei-xiong!! what happened? please update

Jiang Cheng: why do you want to know? they’re going to be insufferable anyway

Nie Huaisang: you don’t understand love

Nie Huaisang: ANYWAY

Nie Huaisang: wei-xiong? lan wangji?

Lan Wangji: Bottom down.

Nie Huaisang: lmaooo

Wen Qing: unbelievable.

Wen Ning: Congrats! :)

Jiang Cheng left the group