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Lotus in Bloom

Summary:

Azula needed a redemption arc so I wrote one!
It's a long journey for Aang and Azula to go save about 3/4 of the Gaang who got kidnapped by the Dai Li.
There are a lot of fun times with Azula and Aang, and a lot of Azula thinking about killing Aang.
Basically, if you decided to pretend the comics didn't exist and thought Azula should be given a redemption arc instead, this is something that could happen for that storyline. Azula is alone and extremely traumatized, and Aang realizes that she needs help.

Notes:

Hello, and welcome to my first attempt at fan fiction! Please forgive me if it sucks!
the plot starts about a year after the war ends, so it doesn't follow with the comics.
trigger warnings for (clears throat): abuse, past abuse, past emotional abuse, verbal abuse, perhaps some gaslighting, in short very bad parenting, trauma, PTSD, neglect, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, paranoia, hallucinations, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, suicide (I'm not sure that I would call it a suicide attempt, it's more like an accident that she accepts), the list goes on in a similar manner you get the idea...
In later chapters there is also some parental/cultural homophobia, mention of physical abuse, and minor injuries, the worst of which is severe dehydration. Also I do talk about Lu Ten's death and the affect it had on Azula.
All that being said, Azula DOES get better, and this has become my emotional support writing because Aang and Azula are cute sometimes
there are also some swear words I think, but there's only like 3 total throughout the entire work.
Also warning that I tend to ramble and write stuff that is really unnecessary to the plot but then I like it and I can't bring myself to delete it so it stays. And I hate writing really action heavy scenes so there aren't a lot of those, it's just super dialogue heavy and more about relationships than anything else.
Now I'm done rambling. Enjoy.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Azula's Escape

Chapter Text

After her downfall to that Water Tribe peasant, Azula had been locked in a fire nation prison. She hated it, she hated the plain walls and the metal bars and the darkness and the bad food and the straw mat on the floor. But more than the actual surroundings, she hated being alone. Azula had never really feared being alone before -- in fact, she relished it. All that time to spend without having to worry about other people messing things up. Now, however, she found the silence oppressive, the time alone reminding her of all the people she’d lost. She’d started having daymares of her mother, of Ty Lee and Mai, of Lo and Li. She’d even had one hallucination of that servant girl she’d banished the day of her coronation.

Only after the visions were over did she realize she’d been dreaming. Even once she’d realized this, she’d still feel trapped and confused, and she’d sit curled up in the corner for hours, staring into empty space, unsure of what was real. Her mother would fade in and out in front of her, scolding her, and she’d shy away from the figure, body shaking.

Now, in one of her few moments of clarity, she was laying on the straw mat in her cell, gazing up at the moonlight streaming in from the window in the ceiling, reminiscing on her coronation. Stupid Zuko, always having to come in and ruin everything. And the Avatar’s girlfriend, what was her name… Kanna or something, always messing things up. And the look on her father’s face when he’d seen her failure…

She squeezed her eyes shut against the image, trying to shield herself with her eyelids. When that didn’t work, she rolled over onto her side and curled up slightly, tucking her arms protectively around her waist. Her father danced across her closed eyelids, giving her a look of such utter disappointment she was sure she’d be ripped in half. He was looking at her with that expression he always reserved for Zuko. She couldn’t bear being on Zuko’s level. She had to be better. She had to.

You have a visitor, Princess Azula.” A guard’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She rolled onto her back.

“I don’t want to see anyone,” she responded flatly, hating the sound of her voice as it came out, grating and harsh in her ears. “Tell them I’ll see them some other time.”

“Um…” the guard hesitated, and she imagined him throwing a questioning look at whoever it was who had come to throw dirt on her pride. “Sorry, Miss,” he said firmly. “You don’t have a choice with this one.”

Azula sighed and propped herself up on her elbows, expecting her stupid brother to be the one to enter, because who else had that kind of authority over her wishes? Her eyes widened in shock and then narrowed suspiciously when someone entirely different stepped into the room.

The Avatar.

He looked older since she’d last seen him, much more mature. He was wearing typical Airbender clothes, still desperately hanging on to the traditions of his destroyed culture. He had orange and yellow cloth draped over his left shoulder and tied together by a deep red sash around his waist. His big grey eyes, turned a deep brown in the light coming from the door, looked more penetrating and philosophical than they had before, and his ears no longer looked like they had been stolen from a monkeydog and stuck haphazardly on the sides of his head. He seemed to have grown into them. A blue arrow was still tattooed on his bald head, pointing down to his upturned nose. And he looked worried. Very, very worried. So worried he seemed on the brink of despair.

The door closed behind him and he blinked in surprise at the light change. It was dark in Azula’s prison cell. He lit a fire in his hand and held it up to look at Azula, thin eyebrows lifting up concernedly.

“Hello, Avatar,” she said, tone bristling with hostility. The last time she’d seen this child he’d been with Zuko, and he’d stood by while Zuko ordered her to be “put away.” And he’d given her a pitying look. Azula could stand many indignities, but pity was one she couldn’t bear.

“Princess Azula,” he responded respectfully, dropping the fire for a moment to give her a deep Fire Nation bow.

Her eyebrow lifted at the sign of respect. He picked up the fire again, looking around the room for a place to put it. After a minute of fruitless searching, he sighed and sat down cross legged on the ground, cradling the fire in his lap. Azula sat up all the way, facing him and crossing her legs in a mimicry of his position. Her expression remained impassive, although in reality she was dying to know what the Avatar was doing here. “How kind of you to pay me a visit in my lowly prison cell,” she said, almost mockingly.

The Avatar gave her a sad look, eyes flickering over her face as though he was reading her. “I should have come sooner,” he said finally, dropping his eyes to the fire in his lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want people to see it as a challenge to Zuko’s authority.” He sighed. “Which, actually, is precisely what this is.”

Azula had to force herself to not have a visible reaction to this statement. She managed to restrain herself to a mere eyebrow lift.

“I didn’t want him to put you in here at all,” the Avatar said, waving an arm around to demonstrate the room. “But it was his first or second act as Firelord, and I didn’t want to invalidate his decisions.” He shook his head. “Sorry.”

Azula felt a flash of annoyance. Why was he apologizing? He was trying to manipulate her! She knew it, and she wasn’t going to let it happen.

He shook his head again, with another sigh. “This isn’t going how I thought it would.” He lifted his head and made eye contact with her, worried expression returning full force. “I came here because…” he took a deep, stabilizing breath and Azula leaned forward in anticipation of the great reveal. “Because I need your help.”

Azula’s eyebrow shot up even further. “My help?”

The Avatar nodded, looking miserable.

“Why would I help you?” Azula asked scornfully. She had no intention of helping the Avatar with anything. Not unless there was something in it for her.

He gave her a small smile, as though he’d anticipated the question. “Well, a couple reasons,” he said. “First, because it would mean you’d get to temporarily leave this place. Second, because Zuko doesn’t know about it and we’ll be running around the world without his consent, which should feel like a small form of revenge. And third, because what I need your help getting is something I think you want too.”

Azula’s eyes skated calculatingly over his hopeful face, trying to discern if this was a trick or not. After a long silence, she spat, “I will never help you. Not as long as I am living and breathing. I will work to make your life a living--”

The Avatar threw his hands up in exasperation and the fire went out. “You haven’t even heard what I need your help with yet! How can you say no without even knowing what you’re saying no to?” The fire flickered back on in his hand and he returned it to his lap, scowling at her. “Look, just hear me out.”

Azula frowned at him, her silence giving him permission to continue.

“I wouldn’t even be coming to you at all if I wasn’t at my wits end here,” he started. “Katara, and Sokka, and Mai, and all the Kyoshi warriors have been kidnapped, and I don’t know where they are, but I do know that they’re in trouble.”

“Then get my idiot brother to help you,” Azula suggested bitterly.

“No, I can’t do that. He’s too busy with… Fire Lord stuff.

“Then get Uncle Fatso. He’s a talented Firebender, and he’ll be more than willing to help you go save your worthless friends.”

“No, no, I can’t do that!” he protested, waving his head violently from side to side.

“Why not?”

The Avatar gave her a helpless look and suddenly she understood.

“Oh…” she said, a smirk crossing her face. “You haven’t told little Zuzu that anything’s wrong, have you? And you know I’m the only person just spiteful enough to not tell him, and good enough to get your friends back.”

He buried his face in one of his hands, still gently carrying the fire in the other. “Don’t say it like that, you’re making me feel like a terrible person.” He lifted his head again and gave her a sharp look. “Which I’m not.”

“Of course not,” she said smoothly. “But you still haven’t told me why I would want to help you on your little… rescue mission. Why would I want to get these people out of this unfortunate yet hilarious situation?”

“It’s not hilarious,” he snapped. “It’s really bad. And I thought you liked Ty Lee and Mai?” he continued, sounding as though he was questioning his thoughts now. “They were your friends?”

Azula felt her blood run cold. He’d mentioned Mai, and that had hurt a little, but he hadn’t said anything about Ty Lee. If whoever the Avatar had made an enemy of had kidnapped Ty Lee, it was unacceptable and demanded immediate retribution. “You didn’t say anything about Ty Lee,” she said, trying to keep the anxiety out of her voice. If anything happened to Ty Lee, she’d never forgive herself.

“Oh, sorry.” The Avatar’s eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully. “I just lumped her in with the Kyoshi Warriors, I think. My bad, sorry.”

Azula closed her eyes to consider for a moment, shutting out the Avatar’s expression of a boy who has come completely to the brink of despair so she could think. She’d be out of the prison cell. That was clearly an excellent reason to go with him. She wouldn’t have to stay in here a minute longer, and on the way back she could make an escape, fight her way out from the Avatar’s clutches, maybe kill that insipid girlfriend of his on the way out. And if she went with him, she could ensure Ty Lee’s release from whatever horrible situation she’d gotten herself into. And maybe while she was doing that, she’d be able to get Ty Lee to worship her again, and tuck Ty Lee back under her wing. And the entire time she was doing all of this, she would be going directly against Zuko’s wishes, an excellent way to show her sibling she didn’t give two shits about him or his stupid orders.

On the other hand, helping the Avatar was still helping the Avatar, something that felt completely heinous to her entire being. And there was still a good chance that he’d continue giving her those looks of sympathy and pity, which, as was mentioned, she couldn’t stand.

But when she weighed that against Ty Lee’s safety, it paled in comparison.

She opened her eyes again and saw the Avatar still looking at her despairingly, as though he truly needed her help, and knew he couldn’t do it without her. She grew suspicious again.

“You’re the Avatar. Why can’t you do it yourself?”

His shoulders slumped and he dropped his gaze again. “I’m a lot of raw power and natural talent and that’s about it. I need someone with a brain. I also haven’t finished my firebending training yet, so I was kind of hoping I could have a Firebender with me to fill the missing part.”

Azula looked him up and down, trying to decide if he was telling the truth. He gave her a look that was so completely helpless and desperate that she immediately believed him.

“Fine,” she said airily, as though she didn’t really care one way or the other. “But I have a couple requests to make.”

It was his turn to look suspicious. “What are your requests?”

“I need new clothes.”

He smiled. “Done.”

“I want the guard outside fired.”

The smile dropped. “No. Sorry, that’s not my decision to make.”

Azula nodded, smirking. “Yes, I know, I was testing you.”

He shot her an annoyed look.

“And I want my father to never find out about this. Ever.”

His forehead cleared and the look of pity suddenly returned full force. Azula had to refrain from making a disgusted sound in the back of her throat. “Of course,” he said softly. “I’ll make sure no one tells him. I don’t know who would, to be honest. No one ever goes to see him except Zuko, and he usually comes back looking about ready to become a combustion bender out of pure rage.”

“Well, then, yes, I will come with you.” She briefly considered requesting that he set her free for her efforts helping him, and then realized he’d probably refuse that, and would keep a close eye on her for the rest of the trip to make sure she didn’t try to escape, so she decided it was a bad idea to even bring it up.

The Avatar gave her a relieved smile, and he stood up, dropping the fire again. “Thank you,” he said, bowing again. “Give me just a second and I’ll get the guard to let you out.” He turned toward the door and then he stopped and turned back. “This probably seems unnecessary to say, but please don’t try firebending at me. It won’t go well for either of us.”

Azula’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. “Isn’t the whole point of a team-up that we’ll be temporarily on each other’s side? Why on earth would I firebend at you if we’re trying to help each other?”

The Avatar shrugged and laughed. His laugh was unlike anything Azula had heard before, and she had to stop herself from staring. It reminded her of cool summer mornings, just before dawn, when a light breeze is drifting lazily along through the trees and the grass. Listening to it was listening to the sound of leaves swirling on the cobblestones in autumn, the sound of a grass field bending its stalks in waves like a vast ocean. “I don’t know,” he said in answer to her question. “That’s why I said it probably seemed unnecessary to say. But I thought I should probably throw the warning out there, just in case.” He laughed again and Azula’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. He must have been laughing on purpose to throw her off her guard. “I’ll get the guard,” he said happily.

He opened the door, and warm firelight streamed into the cell, sending a long shadow on the floor behind him. Azula stood up and leaned against the wall to her cell, trying to not look too excited about being let out. After a hushed conversation with the guard outside, the Avatar stepped back in with the key and started to unlock Azula’s cell. “I already have everything packed,” he said brightly. “So all we need to do is sneak out of here and we’ll be all good.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “I may have convinced several of the guards to not tell anyone what we’re doing. You’d be surprised at what they’d agree to when it’s the Avatar telling them to do it.”

The corners of Azula’s lips quirked up, and she forced them back down into a passive expression. She refused to be entertained by this boy. She would not enjoy his presence. Not after her mother had turned him against her.

The door to her cage swung open and she had to refrain from sprinting out. She walked casually to the door, looked the Avatar’s short frame up and down once and then stepped out, smirking. The Avatar looked nervous now that he’d actually let her out, terrified of his own decision. He sent her a timid smile and went for the door to her cell, leading her out. They stepped outside and he handed a letter to the guard outside. “If Zuko comes looking for her, would you give him this and tell him it’s from me?”

The guard took the letter and gave the Avatar a deep bow. “Yes, Avatar Aang. It would be my pleasure.”

The Avatar gave the guard a short bow back, saying, “Thank you. I can’t imagine why he would come down here, but… you know.”

“Of course.”

Azula frowned at the guard, reading him. After a moment, she decided that the guard really was on the Avatar’s side, and wasn’t going to immediately go rat them out to Zuko. She twisted up her lips in a mimicry of a smile and nodded to the guard.

“Shoot,” the Avatar muttered, suddenly sounding worried. “Someone’s coming.”

Azula pricked her ears, but she couldn’t hear anything. “Who?”

“No one I know,” he answered, tipping his ear to the side. He suddenly dropped into a wide horse stance, picked up his left foot, and slammed it back into the ground, eyes closed in concentration. Azula felt a tremor go through the ground beneath her and she stared. The Avatar straightened up again, grabbed Azula’s hand and ran down the hallway, giving the guard a parting wave.

“Who was it?”

He shrugged. “No clue. But I figured it wasn’t a good idea to stay and find out.”

Azula had to admit that was good reasoning. He dragged her around two corners and down a long hallway to a dead end. She almost rolled her eyes in annoyance. The kid clearly had no idea what he was doing. But then he thrust out the backs of his hands and shoved a round patch of the wall back, making a long tunnel into the wall. He picked up her hand again and ran down into the tunnel. It closed again behind them, sending their surroundings into darkness. Azula couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black.

The Avatar didn’t stop to make a light. He continued running down the tunnel, every once in a while shoving more rock aside. As they ran, the tunnel closed behind them, preventing them from going back even a few feet.

Azula didn’t like not being able to see. She felt oppressed by the darkness, unsure of what terrors would surface while she didn’t have her vision. The Avatar’s hand in hers was like an anchor, and she clung to it desperately. It and the floor beneath her feet were the only things she felt sure of at the current moment, and she wanted to hang onto reality as much as possible in an attempt to fend off the darkness.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity in blackness, the Avatar’s tunnel started heading up. With a final thrust of his free arm, he cleared away the last bits of dirt and moonlight flooded into the tunnel. Azula released his hand and ran ahead of him. Once she was fully out of the tunnel, she sat on the ground and curled up in a ball, letting the night breezes wash over her back, trying to fend off the images of her mother floating in front of her.

“Azula!” the Avatar gasped, emerging from the tunnel. “Don’t--” he caught sight of her and she saw his facial expression quickly make the transition from angry and scared to concerned. “Azula? Are you okay?”

The tunnel sealed up behind him without a mark, completely erasing all evidence that there had ever been a hole there. Azula stood up again, ignoring her mother who was standing behind the Avatar, a constant reminder to Azula that there was no one she could really trust. “Fine,” she said, tone bristling. She considered lighting the Avatar’s head on fire, ending this stupid mission right here, finally getting back at her mother for manipulating everyone around her into hating her. It was the thought of Ty Lee that prevented her from doing it. She still needed the Avatar alive. “Where to next?”

The Avatar gave her a searching look, eyes gazing into hers, piercing into her deepest secrets. Azula set her mouth into a firm line and crossed her arms defensively. The Avatar turned and started off. “Appa’s over here, come on.” He led her around a rocky outcropping and she saw his giant sky bison. At the sight of her, the sky bison immediately started growling and she smiled. At least there were some things her mother couldn’t touch.

“Appa,” the Avatar said, reaching up and rubbing the bison’s fluffy forehead. “Come on, we talked about this. It’s just for a little while.” The animal gave a grunt, sounding almost exasperated, and then flattened itself out on the ground to make it easier for Azula and the Avatar to ascend. The Avatar gave him a little pat and hopped up to his head. “Good boy.”

Azula glared up at the bison. “I don’t want to ride on that… thing.”

The Avatar frowned at her. “Well, we don’t really have another choice. Appa’s the fastest thing we can fly on and he’s strong enough to carry both of us and all our stuff. Is there something I can do to make it more… comfortable? For you?” He looked uncertain of the sound of the words falling out of his mouth.

Azula gave a short sigh. “I suppose this will have to do.” She wrinkled up her nose at the thought of climbing up the beast’s side and getting into the saddle, probably getting his disgusting white hair all over her. With another annoyed sigh, she walked over and grabbed a tuft of his hair with one hand, nimbly scaling up its side. She dropped into the saddle and looked around, surprised at how much room there was. The Avatar smiled back at her from the sky bison’s head. “Ready?” He turned back and flicked the reins. “Appa, yip yip.”

With a disgruntled sounding roar, the sky bison took off. They flew right over the fire nation palace, and then made a wide loop in the sky and started to head south. Azula climbed up to the front of the saddle and leaned over the side to talk to the Avatar. He dropped the reins and turned around on the bison’s head to look up at her.

“Where are we going?” she asked shortly.

“Well, like I said, I don’t know where they are, so we’re going to go to Katara and Sokka’s house to look for clues.”

“How do you know they were taken?”

The Avatar frowned. He stood on the bison’s head and hopped up into the saddle. “I got this note,” he said, eyebrows knitted together. He pulled a piece of paper out from his waistband and handed it to her. “It’s from the Dai Li.”

Azula’s eyebrows shot up. “The Dai Li? Making enemies, are we?”

“I’m not making them. People just seem to hate me without me doing anything.”

Azula unfolded the letter. “True.” She dropped her eyes from his insulted expression to the letter in her hands, and began to read it by the light of the moon.

Avatar
Give yourself up to us or you’ll never see your friends again. Don’t tell the Fire Lord or the Metalbender about this.
-- Long Feng and the Dai Li

Folding the letter up again, Azula handed it back to the Avatar. So Long Feng was in charge of the Dai Li again. Impressive that he’d managed to get back in a position of power so quickly. “Seems pretty simple. We give you to the Dai Li, and then we get Ty Lee and your stupid friends back.”

The Avatar’s mouth twisted in an uncertain look. “I don’t know if they’d actually let them go. I think they’d keep them, don’t you? I don’t know… my mind doesn’t work in the same way theirs do.”

Azula considered. “You’re right,” she said after a moment. “They would know your friends would do anything to get you back, so they’d either keep them locked up or kill them. That’s what I would do, at least.”

The Avatar gave her a disgusted look, and she saw her mother putting a hand on her shoulder. “You didn’t tell me she’d be here,” Azula said with a sneer. The Avatar looked over his shoulder at Azula’s mother. “Who?” He turned back to Azula, squinting curiously at her. She shrank back from her mother’s gaze, feeling it burning her insides. “Azula, are you okay?”

“I love you Azula,” her mother said, stretching her arms out to Azula. “I do.”

“Azula?” the Avatar said again, looking worriedly at her face.

“Get away from me!” she gasped, fending her mothers embrace off with her arms. She crawled backwards away from her mother and the Avatar, who now looked very anxious.

“Okay, okay!” he stood up and put his hands up over his head to show he had no bad intentions. “I’m away!”

“Not you,” she growled. “Her.”

The Avatar shook his head, evidently not understanding. “Who? Azula, there’s no one there!”

Her mother took another step forward and tried to cup Azula’s chin in her hand. “I love you, Azula.”

“No!” Azula screamed, backing up further until she was on the edge of the saddle. “You fear me! You do, admit it, you do!”

“Azula, get away from the edge of the saddle,” the Avatar said. His voice was low and he was clearly making an attempt to sound calm and soothing, but his voice was trembling underneath that. He was freaking out. And rightly so. Azula's mother was in the saddle with them, and there was no one more worthy of fear.

Azula’s mother took another step towards her and Azula backed up again. Her hand hit the empty air and she toppled backwards out of the saddle. Her mother vanished, and Azula sighed, letting the air embrace her. Finally, she was done with this earth.

Azula!” she heard the Avatar scream. He launched himself out of the saddle, straightening out his body to make himself more aerodynamic. He shot down until he was level with her and then scooped an arm around her waist. Twisting in midair, he got his feet out underneath both of them and tucked them up until he was in a tight ball with her in his arms. Suddenly their bodies made impact with something hard and brown. The sky bison’s saddle. The Avatar reached out and clutched at the side of the saddle, holding them both down as the bison flattened itself out again.

When the bison was stable again, the Avatar stood up and looked down at Azula, hands balled up on his hips. “Why would you do that?” he shouted, looking angry. “You could have died! I can’t heal broken bones yet!”

“I had to get away from her,” Azula said, feeling dazed. She sprawled out on her back on the bison’s saddle, looking up at the crescent moon above her.

“From who?” the Avatar asked, starting to sound worried again. “Azula, there’s no one up here but you and me and Appa. We’re alone.”

“My mother was here,” she whispered.

The Avatar’s eyes widened as he stared at her in shock. “Azula, your mother… is dead. Or missing. No one’s seen her in years.”

“She was here!” Azula insisted. She pointed an accusing finger at the Avatar. “And I know she’s been telling you what to do. She’s trying to get you to manipulate me and it won’t work! I know about her plans to weaken me and take away all my power!”

Suddenly seeming to understand, the Avatar sat down again next to her. “Okay,” he said softly. “Okay, let’s talk about this.”

“I’m not going to talk about anything with you,” Azula spat. “You’re on her side.”

The Avatar shook his head. “Azula, I’ve never met your mother in my life. I’m not ‘on her side.’ I’m not really on anyone’s side. But if you want her to go away, you’re going to need to talk to me. I’m the Avatar, right? It’s my job to deal with stuff like this.” He gave her a moment to process this, looking searchingly up into her face. “So tell me what’s going on,” he said finally.

Azula shook her head and backed away from him, curling up against the luggage in the saddle. He pursed his lips and twisted up his eyebrows resignedly. “Okay,” he said quietly. “Just tell me if you ever want to talk about it, okay? You can trust me.”

“Trust is for fools,” Azula muttered.

“No,” the Avatar said, shaking his head. “Trust is for those who have been broken and put back together piece by piece. It takes bravery to trust, and it takes strength to adapt and recover from it when it’s broken. Trust is for those strong enough to open up and be hurt over and over without feeling a single wound.”

Azula squinted over at him, unsure of what he meant.

“Just let me know if you want to talk,” he said, jumping over the front of the saddle onto his bison’s head. “We’ll land in a couple hours to get some sleep.”

Azula settled back into the luggage, watching the blue stripe on the back of his head thoughtfully. Maybe her mother hadn’t manipulated him. Maybe he really hadn’t met Ursa before. He seemed to have no idea of what Azula was talking about, and he hadn’t been able to see her mother, so maybe she’d never shown herself to him before. Maybe the Avatar wasn’t someone who her mother was in control of.

Logically, it made sense. The Avatar was someone who didn’t need to listen to anyone. He made the rules. Her mother had no chance of convincing the Avatar to destroy Azula, because the Avatar was too powerful, too independent. But the Avatar’s power made him a target, made him someone her mother would want to be in control of. So if he really wasn’t on her mother’s side, then Azula had to work extra hard to get him on her own side.

But how? He didn’t seem to be someone she could control with fear. He was too confident, too balanced, too strong for her to do that. But he believed in trust, so maybe, just maybe, she could get him to act on his foolish beliefs and begin to trust her. That was the only way she could see to keep him from her mother’s clutches. Azula sighed. She’d never really worked for someone’s trust before, only their fear. She didn’t know how to get trust, but now she had to try. Maybe the best way to do it was to talk to him, and be as good as possible. Not try to escape, not threaten to firebend at him, not give him looks of utter contempt every few seconds. She sighed. The idea of trying to get him to like her seemed like such a chore. She remembered what Ty Lee said about getting guys to like her. She’d said to smile a lot and laugh at everything they said even if it wasn’t funny. Maybe that would work on the Avatar too. Azula crawled up to the front of the saddle and leaned over.

“Avatar,” she said, forcing her lips into a smile.

He looked up at her over his shoulder. When he saw her face, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Hi?”

Azula giggled. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “I was just wondering,” she said, shifting so she was on her stomach in the saddle, legs swinging in the air, “where you got this bison?”

“Oh,” he said, turning around on the bison’s head to look up at her easier. “Well, when I lived with the Air Nomads, they had a sort of… well, I guess you could call it a ceremony, but it’s not exactly that. It’s like a day where all the eight year olds go out and get chosen by a bison.”

“That sounds fascinating,” Azula said, giving him an encouraging smile.

The Avatar blinked, surprised by her apparent interest. “Yeah, I mean, it was pretty cool, I guess. The nuns gave us all apples and we just held them out. And whichever bison came to each of us to eat the apple was our bison for life. And Appa came to me, so he’s my bison now. And we’ll never be separated, ever,” he cooed to the bison, rolling over and hugging its fluffy head. “Not if I can help it.”

The bison roared and the Avatar giggled. “Not if Appa can help it either.”

Azula laughed and the Avatar twisted around to look at her again, eyes darting up and down her face searchingly. “Are you okay?” he asked finally.

So maybe Ty Lee’s tactics wouldn’t work on the Avatar. “I’m fine,” Azula growled, retreating back into the saddle to brainstorm again.

Hours later, she still hadn’t come up with anything, and the sun was fully up. The Avatar pulled down to a tiny island and landed his bison with a little thump in the sand. “We’ve been up all night,” he explained after touchdown. “We should probably try to get some sleep.”

“Is this island safe?” she asked, leaning over the edge of the saddle to look down at the sand below them.

“No idea,” the Avatar said brightly, hopping off his bison’s back into the sand and looking around. “But we should be fine as long as we stay on the beach. Besides,” he added walking around to the back of the bison and looking up at Azula. “I’m the Avatar and you’re the only person that’s ever managed to kill the Avatar. I think the two of us can take whatever comes up.”

Azula pursed her lips and vanished into the saddle again. She hadn’t factored in past trauma in her attempts at making trust. It would be even harder than she thought to get the Avatar to like her, since she had already destroyed her relationship with him before she’d even tried making one. She jumped down from the saddle, landing lightly into the sand next to the Avatar. He gave her a tense smile and then nodded at the luggage in his bison’s saddle. “If you want a sleeping bag, there’s one up there. Oh, and--” he walked up his bison’s tail and started rummaging around in the piles of stuff. “You requested clothes,” he said, arms emerging from the luggage full of Earth Kingdom green clothes. He used the bison’s tail as a slide to get back down and handed them to Azula.

“Is there a hair tie in this pile by any chance?” she asked, pulling out the plain dark green tunic he’d given her and wrinkling up her nose.

“Not in there,” he said, ignoring her look of disgust. “Why don’t you put those on and I’ll find you one?”

Azula sighed and walked off to the thin strip of trees on the beach. She changed quickly, surprised by how well the clothes fit her, and how oddly comfortable they were, considering they’d probably been taken from some Earth Kingdom peasant somewhere. Maybe they just felt more comfortable since her old clothes were from prison. She was a little disgusted with herself for wearing them at all, since her position in society had once been one that would frown down on her wearing clothes like this.

When she returned to the Avatar, he wordlessly held out a hair tie for her to use. She pulled her hair into a simple ponytail over her back, avoiding the top knot since she was no longer in a position of honor. The Avatar seemed to notice this as he pursed his lips sadly, laying down on the bison’s tail and looking up at the clear blue sky. Azula curled up on the sand, using the bison to shade her from the sun, and began brainstorming again. How to get the Avatar to trust her. How to do it. She’d barely been thinking about it for a few minutes when she drifted asleep, fading softly into a land where her mother couldn’t hurt her.

Chapter 2: Aang Seeks Solutions

Notes:

This chapter is more focused on Aang, and his reactions to Azula, so I switched from third person Azula voice to third person Aang voice, if that makes sense. I'm thinking I might switch every other chapter or so.
tw for hallucinations, paranoia, panic attack, past abuse

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Aang couldn’t sleep. He’d been trying for the last two hours, but falling asleep with Azula right behind him was pretty much impossible. He couldn’t help but question his decision making process. Had he done the right thing by getting her instead of Iroh? Did he really value his friends immediate safety over their long term safety?

He shook his head. He had to stop thinking about it like that. Letting Azula out was a calculated risk, one that he’d taken knowing that she’d probably try to escape, that she might try to kill him again, that she might purposefully turn him over to the Dai Li, or that she might do any other undesirable thing. He’d known all these things, and still he’d decided to go to her for help. 

Stupid Dai Li. He didn’t even know what they wanted . Well, yes he did. They wanted the Avatar out of play, so they could pull a massive power grab. And they knew that Aang would never let that happen willingly, so they’d taken the people he valued the most in the world to force him into it. 

When it happened, he’d wondered why they hadn’t gone for Toph or Zuko. Then he’d realized that obviously taking Zuko would be nearly impossible, as he was the Fire Lord and had the best guards in the world. Plus, that could be construed as an act of war against the Fire Nation, a muddle he was sure the Dai Li wouldn’t get into. And taking Toph was asking to get crushed. Playing with death by earthbending. But in their ridiculously short and unhelpful note, they’d told him not to tell Toph or Zuko what was going on, instructions which he planned to follow, in lieu of how good the Dai Li were at spying on people. He hoped having Azula with him would give him an edge over them, but in all honesty it was hard to tell what would work in this situation. He hadn’t told Iroh, because… well, again, he didn’t really have an excuse for that, but it was mostly because he was worried getting Iroh would be too predictable, that the Dai Li would see that coming a mile away and prepare for it. Then he’d realized that whoever else he went to for help would also be painfully predictable, and he was really on his own. He’d been close to despair when he thought of Azula and went to get her. Maybe that was the biggest mistake of his existence, maybe not. 

But Aang hadn’t realized how troubled Azula was. There was something going on in her mind that he’d missed, and he was feeling increasingly sorry for not coming to talk to her sooner. It had been more than a year since she’d been put in prison, and he hadn’t come to see her. To be fair, he hadn’t been to see Ozai either, but Ozai was an irredeemable butthead and Azula… Azula still had a chance. Even though she’d tried to kill him many times, and actually killed him once. He felt that he’d missed something with her, that somewhere in her heart there was a chance for good. And he felt sorry for not seeing it before, for not making the effort to give her another chance. He’d given Zuko another chance, why not her? If anyone had an opportunity to be made good again, it was her. She was still young, maybe still fixable.

Aang shook his head again, scolding himself for thinking about her like a broken object. She wasn’t an object, she was a person. He couldn’t take her apart, replace the broken pieces and put her back together good as new. People didn’t work like that. For her to have a chance at redemption, she needed to want redemption. And looking at her now, she didn’t. She was still trying to manipulate, still trying to do… Well, he didn’t know what exactly she was trying to do, but whatever it was, it probably wasn’t good.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, tracing a hand through Appa’s soft fur. Redemption aside, he needed Azula for this. As much as he hated to admit it, she was really good at tracking people, and manipulating people into doing what she wanted, and sneaking into places she wasn’t supposed to be. On top of that, she was an excellent Firebender, and he’d spoken the truth when he said that he hadn’t mastered fire bending yet. Zuko probably would have said that was a huge understatement. He actually had been shirking off his firebending training to completely master waterbending and earthbending. Then, once he’d done that, he’d put off finishing his firebending training in favor of doing… well, nothing. He had no acceptable excuse. And now he was paying the price for it.

He sat up, giving up with his attempts at falling asleep, and looked at the sun. It was about an hour after midday. Time to get moving again. Hopping lightly to his feet, he crossed around Appa to Azula. She was fast asleep, so he took this opportunity to look at her face without seeing hate written all over it. She looked almost exactly the same as she had when he’d last seen her, except the dark shadows under her eyes and the gauntness of her face. She still had the amber eyes, but they looked… crazier, almost. More desperate and hopeless. They certainly weren't as intense as they had been before. Before it felt like when she looked at him she was piercing him with a thousand knives, and now it felt more scattered. Her hair was much longer, reaching all the way down her back. Now, of course, all this was tucked back in the low ponytail she’d put it in (Low ponytail! Not even a braid! A low ponytail was like one tiny step up from just wearing it completely down!), except her long bangs which had fallen out already. These bangs were still cut jaggedly across her face, although now the cut was lower and instead of falling just down to her eyes like it had before, it was a steep diagonal from one cheek to her jaw on the other side. 

But beyond all that, she looked troubled somehow. Yes, he’d definitely missed something with her. The weird hallucination of her mother… it was her spirit trying to clean itself out, trying to get her back in balance. He guessed it was probably caused by her slow downfall from power, by a feeling of failure and uselessness. The purple bags under her eyes showed that she hadn’t been sleeping well for a while now, so this hallucination thing had to be something that had been happening for quite some time. Aang nearly banged the heel of his hand into his forehead. He should have come to see her sooner. Zuko had had Iroh to help him through the toughest period of his life, and Azula had no one. Aang was determined now to be her someone.

He leaned over her and shook her shoulder gently to wake her up. She jerked awake with a gasp and shrunk away from him. When she saw it was him, her face settled into its usual impassive expression, although she now looked faintly put out with herself for showing any emotion at all. 

“We should get moving again,” he said lightly, climbing up Appa’s side to the saddle. “We have kind of a far way to go.”

“If it’s really the Dai Li who took your friends,” Azula said, her cold, clear voice sending a chill down Aang’s spine, “wouldn’t they have returned to Ba Sing Se?”

“I don’t know,” Aang said truthfully, dropping down from the saddle to Appa’s head. “They’re not exactly on the best terms with the Earth King right now, and they lost all their secret headquarters in Ba Sing Se, I think.” He counted off on his fingers. “They don’t have access to the palace any more, they don’t have Lake Laogai, and they don’t have the crystal catacombs. Am I missing anything?” If anyone would know the answer to that, it was Azula.

She scowled and climbed agilely up Appa’s side. “No.”

“It’s really unfortunate that they didn’t leave instructions about where I was supposed to go to give myself up,” Aang said. “I mean, what did they expect, for me to hang around in Sokka’s house until they turned up again to kidnap me?”

“Probably.”

Aang laughed. “Yeah, actually, you’re right.” He was forcing his tone to stay light in the hopes that she’d start to warm up to him a little. “Yip yip,” he told Appa. Appa gave him an annoyed sounding grunt and Aang gave his head a little pat, silently agreeing with him. This trip was going to be less than pleasant, and that was putting it nicely. “So…” he said after a long silence, leaning over the front of the saddle to look at Azula, who had pulled her crooked bangs out of her eyes and tucked them back into her ponytail. “Um… how was your… um… nap?”

She quirked an eyebrow, looking at him with crossed arms. “Fine,” she said shortly.

“Um…” Aang searched desperately for a new topic when she made no move to continue the conversation. “Weather’s nice.”

Azula’s eyes narrowed and she looked him over analytically. He gulped and started to sink back onto Appa’s head, giving up with trying to make small talk. 

“It is nice,” she said before he could fully disappear from her view. “Very sunny out. A good day for firebending.”

“Oh, yeah!” Relieved, Aang grabbed onto what she’d said, turning it around into a question. “I didn’t think about that. Does your firebending get a… uh… an energy burst when it’s sunny out?”

Her head jerked to the side a little and a piece of hair fell out of the ponytail. “Mine doesn’t,” she said, trying to tuck it back up again.

“Really? Why not?”

She looked very uncomfortable suddenly, and he realized that all his questions were making her feel like he was trying to get the edge over her. Like some really obvious information probing. Which was making her feel insecure and closed off. He decided to switch tactics. If he couldn’t get her to open up to him, maybe he could open up to her, let her learn to trust him. “Mine usually gets just a little stronger when it’s sunny out,” he said before she felt compelled to answer, climbing up onto the saddle and perching on the edge of it just above Appa’s head. “Which is kind of weird since fire bending isn't my natural element. But I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s my natural element or not, right? I also get better at waterbending during the full moon.”

Azula leaned forward, looking interested, ignoring her bangs as they started to fall out of the ponytail. “What about airbending? I always wondered what environment would give Airbenders enhanced abilities.”

Aang opened his mouth to answer, ignoring the twinge in his heart that told him she was asking in order to learn what environment would be best to defeat him in. “I guess just when it’s windy out we get much better. Since the air currents are already there And in places close to the Spirit World. Also, for whatever reason, the higher the elevation is, the better our airbending gets. Which is the opposite of earthbending, because earthbending gets stronger the further down you get.”

“Is that why all the air temples are in the mountains?” Azula asked, again looking genuinely interested in his answer.

Aang nodded. “I think so.” He considered telling her something else about it that he thought she’d take interest in, only hesitating because it was information she could use against him. But, he decided, if talking to her would help her open up and learn to be more balanced, he’d reveal all the dangerous information in the world. “Remember when we were in the Crystal Catacombs in Ba Sing Se?”

Azula nodded, pursing her lips together tightly.

“I felt like there was almost no airbending I could do down there. The air felt… oppressive, almost. I had to make my own air currents, and even those were pretty weak. My earthbending was really strong then, and came much more naturally, but since I’d just started learning earthbending, I wasn’t good enough to use it to actually win a fight. But I was good enough to do crystal bending!” he added, eyes lighting up excitedly. When he allowed himself to think about the fight in the Crystal Catacombs without spiraling into a pit of shame, he always felt really proud of himself for learning to crystal bend on the fly. “I’d never done crystal bending before then, but I guess being under ground in all that rock helped me learn to do it really fast while we were… fighting…” he trailed off, not wanting to trigger anything by talking about this.

“So if we’d been above ground during that fight…” Azula began, raising an eyebrow and letting the question float unfinished into space.

Aang gave her a short nod. “It would have gone a lot differently, let’s just say that.”

“Interesting.” Arms crossed, Azula leaned back against the luggage in the back of Appa’s saddle, looking at Aang thoughtfully. “Why are you telling me this?” she asked after a long pause.

He shrugged. “I figure if we’re going to be stuck with each other for a while, we might as well learn something about each other.” Partial truth. Aang knew he had a bad lying habit (Katara had told him on countless occasions), but lying was so easy . And Katara had also said that she thought it was funny when he lied to people, which hadn’t really given him any inspiration to fix the habit.

“So… Can I ask you a question, then?” Azula asked hesitantly, sounding unsure of herself.

“Sure!” Aang said, dropping into the saddle and sitting cross legged on the front of it. He was trying so hard to sound peppy, and he really wasn’t sure that it was working.

“You said…” Azula paused, looking vulnerable with her jagged hair falling in her face again. But it was more than that-- she looked like she was legitimately lowering her walls to talk to him, opening up. It made her look almost uncomfortable. Actually, Aang wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her look more vulnerable or genuine than she did now. For once, she actually looked like she cared, and had real feelings. It was a rare sight, and Aang clung to it. “You said you’d never met my mother before,” she said slowly. “Is that… was that true? You really haven’t?”

Aang tipped his head to the side. All this about her mom was something he needed to handle lightly, and he knew it. One misstep here could cause him to lose Azula’s trust permanently. She appeared to be paranoid that her mother was behind the scenes manipulating all the people around Azula into hating her. It was actually becoming kind of a block on Azula’s trust, one that he’d have to work through to start getting her to open up to him. “Azula, I don’t know anything about your mom,” he said softly. “I’ve never seen her before, I’ve never talked to her, I’ve never met her in my life. All I know about her is from what Zuko’s told me, and he rarely talks about her.”

“Do you know what she looks like?” Azula asked, sitting up abruptly and seeming to realize something.

“Yeah,” Aang said, nodding a few times more than was strictly necessary. He suspected that she was now thinking that her mother had been manipulating him without him even knowing it was Ursa, and he needed to debunk that theory as soon as possible. “There was a picture that Zuko showed me once. I’d never seen anyone like her before, and I haven’t since.”

Azula settled back into the luggage again, watching him sharply. “So she hasn’t gotten to you yet, then.”

Aang didn’t understand what Azula meant by that. Gotten to him ? Who had she gotten to? Zuko? And what did Azula think her mother was doing to the people she had been getting to ? Turning them against her? He gave her a confused look, really feeling very perplexed. He didn’t know much about how to stop people from imagining that their close relatives were out to get them. 

At his bewildered expression, her face cleared and went back to its usual emotionless, analytical expression. Her hands absentmindedly went up to pull her bangs out of her eyes again.

Aang sighed. “Mind if I ask you a question now?” He was worried that if he continued talking about this thing with Azula’s mother, she’d close off again and become more difficult to talk to, so he started to search desperately for a change of subject.

Her eyes narrowed, but she nodded.

“Has your fire always been blue?” 

“No.”

Aang waited for her to elaborate, but when she didn’t, he prompted, “When did it turn blue? Why is it blue? Can you make regular fire if you want?”

“It turned blue when I was around eleven years old. It’s blue because it’s more powerful than regular fire. It’s much hotter. And I haven’t tried.”

Aang pursed his lips together. She had answered the questions, he could give her that. But she had done it with such lack of feeling or care that he felt his heart start to despair inside him. He nodded and jumped back over the saddle edge to Appa’s head, giving up with her for the moment. She watched him go without a single change of expression, just a flat face. As Aang settled down on Appa’s head, he had to admit to himself that if it ever came down to a battle between Azula and Koh, Azula would win, and by a lot.

Laughing at himself for thinking it, he nestled down into Appa’s fur and watched the fluffy white clouds go by. He remembered that one time he’d jumped off Appa to see what clouds felt like, and had come back soaked. Katara, he was pretty sure, had found that funny. Or maybe not. It was hard to tell sometimes.

He debated doing it again right now, just for fun, and then realized that was probably a bad idea with Azula on board. Sighing miserably, he spread his arms wide, feeling the cool air wash over him. As much as he wanted to help Azula find herself again, he knew it was going to be really difficult -- and maybe impossible. Just thinking about how much work it was going to be made him want to jump off Appa with his glider and never come back. 

Azula’s head stuck out over the front of the saddle and he blinked up at her wearily. 

“What are you doing?” she asked suspiciously. 

“I’m sitting here on Appa and lamenting to myself about all my life decisions,” he said flatly.

Azula’s lips puckered up and she disappeared into the saddle again. Groaning, Aang rolled over and plunged his face into Appa’s fur, wanting to scream into it for no apparent reason, like he did with that koala sheep back before the invasion. It had been strangely cathartic, though he’d never admit it to Sokka. Appa gave an understanding rumble and Aang flopped his arm out to pat him sympathetically. This was not fun. This was, quite frankly, the worst.

A wave of exhaustion swept over Aang, overwhelming him. He hadn’t slept for… more than twenty-four hours. He was really tired, and all the stressing out about Azula wasn’t helping. 

Before Aang even was consciously aware of what he was doing, he fell asleep, face buried in Appa’s fur, one arm still splayed out over Appa’s head.

 

When Aang woke up again, face feeling itchy from Appa’s fur, it took him a moment to remember the events of the day before. When he did, he nearly started scolding himself for falling asleep with a dangerous killer in the back. He had to remind himself that it was perfectly natural to be tired, and that he needed the sleep, and that there was minimal damage Azula could do while flying on Appa. Still feeling a little disgruntled with himself for giving into his tiredness, he sat up, blinking blearily at the sun. It was well on its way back down the sky, signalling it to be about five in the evening. Sighing to himself, Aang stood up on Appa’s head and climbed over the front of the saddle.

In the saddle, Azula was sitting in the exact same position as before, leaned up against the luggage, arms crossed tightly around herself, glaring at Aang. He had to keep himself from sighing again as he crossed over the saddle to her and plunged one hand into the luggage. Only by reminding himself over and over that this was merely a stage on the path towards redemption did he manage to contain his annoyance. He pulled out a bag of lychee nuts and sat next to Azula with them. 

“I don’t suppose you ate while I was asleep,” he said tonelessly, holding out the bag for her to take some lychee nuts. 

She sniffed and turned away. “No, I didn’t. And I don’t want any of your food.”

Aang blinked tiredly at her, not understanding how she could possibly be this spiteful. He briefly considered what the best reaction to this was. Sokka would shrug and shove all the lychee nuts he could into his mouth, and then promptly start choking on them. Toph would probably say something along the lines of, “Have fun starving, loser” and start casually throwing them individually into her mouth until Azula cracked. Katara would sit quietly and eat half of the lychee nuts and then leave the rest of them in an easily accessible position for Azula to grab later, with a gentle reminder that it was important to eat three meals a day when possible. Zuko would probably thrust the bag angrily in her face, taking her refusal to eat them as a personal insult, and then, when she still wouldn’t take any, he’d sit grumbling about it for the rest of the afternoon.

“It’s not really my food,” Aang said slowly, opening the bag carefully and plucking out a singular lychee nut for examination. “I mean, I brought it, but only after I stole it from the kitchens in the fire nation. You have no idea how much food I can take from them before they start to get annoyed.” He held the nut up to his eye, looking it over. “Actually, I don’t really know what the limit is. That would be fun to find out some time.”

In his peripheral vision, he saw the corner of Azula’s mouth twitch in amusement. Feeling pleased with himself for his success, he continued, “But that’s beside the point. The point is that I need you to eat so that I can continue to have you on my side for this mission.” Azula turned her head and looked at him, squinting one eye at him. “We can’t have you starving to death here, no, no, that would not be good.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of lychee nuts. Popping a few into his mouth, he pushed the bag closer to Azula.

A pained expression flitted across her face and she turned away again. Aang felt his heart drop. “Okay,” he said, taking the bag back. “I see what this is.” And indeed, he did see what it was. Azula didn’t want to feel like she was sharing with her mortal enemy. Eating food together creates community, and she didn’t want to be part of a community with the Avatar. He reached into the pile of stuff on the back of the saddle and pulled out the entire food sack, putting it on the floor of the saddle. “Let’s divy up the food so that you have your portion and I have my portion, and we don’t have to worry about sharing.”

Azula looked down at the food sack, and then up at Aang, and then back down at the food.

“I won’t touch your portion of the food and you don’t have to touch my portion,” he elaborated.

“Okay,” Azula said, face set-- almost as if she were trying to keep it from showing pain. Clearly making an effort to keep her face completely expressionless, she sat up and opened the bag of food.

The corner of Aang’s mouth curved up triumphantly and he forced it back down. He didn’t want Azula to feel like he was manipulating her (which he kind of was, now that he was thinking about it).

They went through the food bag together. It actually went much more smoothly than Aang anticipated, but he supposed he was used to the squabbling that usually took place between Katara and Sokka. Azula wasn’t greedy, and she didn’t take all of one type of food. She actually took exactly half of everything, evidently valuing the logical organization of the matter, or maybe just trying to avoid an argument (although Aang probably wouldn’t have argued even if she’d taken three-quarters of the bag). Aang gave her the now empty food sack and went to go find another bag. She wordlessly put her share into the bag before pulling out another small pouch of lychee nuts and beginning to eat them, shooting him an angry look as if daring him to comment on her behavior. 

A faint smile playing around his lips now, Aang grabbed a free bag from the luggage and started scooping his half into it. He had been successful. More than successful -- he had prevented this from becoming a future issue. He was living up to his role as the Avatar. Katara would have been proud.

Thinking about Katara wiped the smile from his face. He couldn’t imagine what the Dai Li were doing to her. His only hope lay in that the Dai Li weren’t overly cruel, and that they most likely knew that he would go Avatar State crazy if they hurt or touched Katara in any way. When he first found out she’d been taken, he’d been so angry he’d almost gone into the Avatar State without control for the first time in a full year. The Dai Li probably knew something similar would happen if they hurt Katara, and they knew the risk involved in that. They weren’t about to take that risk, at least not until he was well secured.

But he was still worried. It had been about six days since he’d found the note. After about an hour of debating with himself about Azula, he’d bee-lined up to the Fire Nation palace, only stopping Appa once for rest. He was going as fast as he could. But six days was a long time, and the more he thought about Katara being stuck who-knew-where, with those awful brainwashers, for six whole days, the more stressed he got.

Aang set his lychee nuts aside, appetite gone. Azula watched him sharply. 

“If you were the Dai Li,” Aang said slowly, “where would you bring someone you kidnapped?”

Azula closed up her bag of lychee nuts, expressionless. “It would have to be somewhere relatively non-descript. Probably somewhere with low crime rates, somewhere no one would expect them to be. Like the middle of a desert.”

“Not a desert,” Aang groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“The Dai Li wouldn’t go to a desert,” Azula said dismissively. “They’re Earthbenders, not Sandbenders.”

“Sandbenders are Earthbenders,” Aang mumbled into his hands.

“The Dai Li consider themselves above the branches of earthbending. They prefer to stick with rock, and rock alone.” She shrugged. “It works well for them. It means they can be specialized.”

Well, when she put it like that, it made sense. The desert was too dirty for the Dai Li. They wouldn’t want to go there, even if it did meet all the criteria for a good hideout. “So, not the desert then,” Aang agreed, lifting his face from his hands.

“Most likely somewhere underground,” Azula said, reaching up to tuck back a stray piece of hair. “And somewhere away from water, since they took your waterbending friend.”

Aang sighed. “That could be anywhere in the Earth Kingdom.”

Azula shot him a scornful look. “Well, yes. That’s why this is going to be difficult.”

With another angry groan, Aang turned and dropped his forehead down onto the side of the saddle. “They could have just told me where they were, and then we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

“But then you would have just gone over there in the Avatar State and killed them all.”

“I would not!” Aang said, lifting his head and giving her an offended look. She lifted an eyebrow and, sighing, he put his forehead back down on the side of the saddle. “Okay, maybe I would have. But how else do they expect me to go turn myself over if I don’t know where they are? They should have at least given me a meeting place!”

“Maybe they did and you didn’t see it. Isn’t that why we’re going to whatever sty the water peasants live in?”

Aang stared sullenly at the bottom of the saddle, ignoring her word choice. “Yeah.” They’d go to Sokka’s house and they’d have a look around. His eyes brightened up hopefully and he looked over at Azula. “Yeah! You’re right, we’ll find everything we need and we’ll be able to get them. We can do this.” He hopped to his feet and launched himself over the front of the saddle, landing lightly on Appa’s head. “Right, Appa?”

Appa roared approvingly. Aang turned around on his head to look at Azula again. She hadn’t moved, and was still just looking at him with an unimpressed expression. “Even Appa agrees,” Aang said happily. “It’s going to all be okay.”

Azula rolled her eyes and looked out over the clouds.

Refusing to let his good mood be tarnished by her apathy, Aang fell backwards and landed with a soft thump between Appa’s horns. He smiled up at the blue sky above him and rubbed Appa’s head lovingly. “Everything’s fine, Appa,” he murmured. “We’ll get them back soon.”

The day waned. Aang finished his lychee nuts and lay on his back on Appa’s head, taking comfort in his soft fluff. Slowly, the day faded into night, and he faded with it, drifting into a quiet, peaceful sleep, away from the concerns of the world, wrapped in the night air’s cool embrace.

Several hours later, he was jerked awake by the sound of a high pitched scream. He sprang to his feet, looking wildly around for Azula. She was in the saddle still (thank the spirits), huddled up against the luggage, staring terrified through her jagged bangs at the empty air in front of her. She screamed again and pressed back further against their stuff. 

Cursing himself again for not going to see her in prison sooner, Aang jumped into the saddle and went to her side. “Get her away from me!” Azula shrieked, feet scrabbling on the saddle for purchase to help her get further back.

“Azula, I can’t see her,” Aang said, kneeling down beside her. He’d caught himself just before saying instead, “Azula, there’s no one there.” He’d been told once that invalidating someone’s fears can make them worse, so he avoided telling her she was wrong. 

“I’m sorry,” he continued. “I can’t help you with this one.”

“She’s right there!” Azula screamed, pointing a shaky finger at nothing.

“Azula, look at me,” Aang said firmly.

She met his eyes from behind her bangs, breathing heavily.

“I can’t see her, okay? I can’t make her go away because I can’t see her. Here, breathe with me and maybe she’ll leave.” He grabbed her hand and put it on his chest. Her hand trembled in his and he took a deep breath, forcing his chest to rise an exaggerated amount. “In…” He exhaled slowly. “Out.”

Azula took a shaky breath, keeping her eyes on his.

“Good, do it again. In… out.”

“She won’t go,” Azula whispered, looking pained. “I told her to leave me alone, but she won’t--”

“Shhh, just breathe. In… out.”

“I can’t--” Azula protested weakly.

“You have to,” Aang said unforgivingly. “Breathe. In. Out.”

She took another breath. On the exhale, her body slowly started to relax, one muscle at a time. 

“In,” Aang reminded her when it took her a long time to inhale again. “Out.”

She kept breathing with him, wide, frightened eyes held by his. Slowly, ever so slowly, she relaxed more and more until she fell asleep, leaning against all the luggage. Aang set her hand gently down on the saddle and stood up, wincing as pins and needles shot up his legs. His feet had fallen asleep after sitting on them for so long. He waddled over to the piles of stuff on the back of Appa’s luggage, stifling little gasps of pain as the feeling returned to his legs, and pulled out a large, heavy blanket he’d stolen from Zuko’s room. He tucked it around Azula and hopped down to Appa’s head again, sighing to himself. That was it, then. No more sleep for him. He had to stop drifting off like that, just leaving Azula to fend for herself against her own mind, so he would. Maybe he’d try to get an hour of sleep every once in a while, but he planned to stay awake as much as possible, so he could be the barrier between Azula and her hallucinations.

Sighing again, he nestled down into Appa’s fur and started to consider what to do about Azula. He’d never had to deal with someone with her type of illness before, and he didn’t know how to even begin the healing process. If only there was someone he could talk to that might have some clue how to help him help her. If only there was someone with experience that he could…. He almost slammed his palm into his forehead in exasperation with himself. Of course there was someone he could talk to. He was the Avatar , there was always someone he could talk to. Silently berating himself, he pulled himself up into a meditation pose on Appa’s head, legs tucked closely up in the full lotus position, hands nestling easily into the Dhyana mudra. He focused on his breathing, letting go of his problems for the moment so he could access his past lives. After a few failed attempts, he felt one of his past lives calling to him and he opened up his chest. The past life soared out of his body and floated in the air in front of Aang, legs crossed in a position similar to Aang’s.

The woman sitting in front of him was tall, wearing Earthbender green, and covered in red and white makeup. Her dark hair was pulled back by a big golden headpiece, and if it weren’t for her size and the length of her hair, she could have been easily mistaken for Suki. But it wasn’t Suki, it was Kyoshi. 

Aang almost purposefully fell out of meditation to get rid of her. Only by reminding himself that he needed help, and that Kyoshi, quite honestly, had given him the second-most helpful advice last time (second to Yangchen), did he convince himself to hold on to his meditative state.

“Avatar Kyoshi,” he said. “I need your wisdom.”

“Yes, Avatar Aang,” she said in her deep, thoughtful voice. “What is your need?”

“So, long story short, my friends were taken and I’m traveling with Azula, the girl that killed us that one time, to go save them.” If Kyoshi was surprised by any of this, she didn’t show it, but maybe that was the make-up. “And originally I was set on pretty much keeping close watch on Azula the entire time and being kind of mean to get her to do what I wanted but now… something’s wrong with her, and I don’t know how to fix it. She’s having weird hallucinations of her mother, she thinks her mother is trying to kill her, she’s paranoid all the time, she still wants to kill me I think…. She just seems really off-balance, and I don’t know what to do. Do you have any idea how I can…?” he trailed off, letting the question finish itself.

“Did you try healing her with waterbending?” Kyoshi asked.

Aang blinked. He had expected a more formal answer. “Um… no. I think Katara did something like that to Jet once… do I just…” he held his hands out to demonstrate. “Do I just hold the water over her temples and… wait for it to work?”

“It’s something you could try,” Kyoshi answered thoughtfully, shifting out of her meditative stance into something a little more casual, one leg bent up so she could rest an elbow on it. “Mental illnesses are very difficult to cure, maybe impossible even. But if you're really set on this, with proper care and time, you may be able to change her for the better. If you have a moment now, we can brainstorm.” 

Shoulders relaxing, Aang smiled and nodded. “Yes, Avatar Kyoshi. Let’s figure this out.”

Notes:

I do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender, or The Last Airbender, or any of the comics, or any of these characters. None of this is canon, and I didn't plagiarize or copy any of it.
Thanks for reading!

Chapter 3: Azula Plays a Game

Notes:

time for chapter 3!
We get some Tyzula in this one :)
tw for past abuse, past physical abuse, panic attack/hallucinations/paranoia, self-hatred, mentions of violence, mentions of homophobia

Chapter Text

When Azula woke up with the rising sun the next morning, she had a blanket wrapped tightly around her. She threw it off her, throwing an angry look towards the front of the bison. The stupid monk was trying to get on her good side! He was trying to get her to like him so he could manipulate her! She got to her feet on the saddle, running a hand through her bangs to get them out of her eyes, and marched right up to the front to maybe throw some fire at the Avatar’s head, end this right then and there. But when she got up there, she found him sitting straight-backed between the bison’s horns, legs knotted up, eyes closed, arrows glowing, breathing deeply, and looking utterly at peace with the world. The sight stopped her short in her tracks. He looked so peaceful, so balanced and happy, that all her murderous thoughts dropped from her mind at once and she was suddenly overcome with a powerful urge to become balanced like him, to be at one with her surroundings and learn to be at peace with herself. 

As soon as she realized what she was thinking, her thoughts about killing him returned full force and she prepared to force whatever fire she could make out of her hand right at him and end all these weird emotions rising in her chest. Just as she started to bring up her hand for a fire blast, the light in his arrows went out. He slumped backwards and looked up at her. “Morning, Azula,” he said, sounding exhausted but happy. Well, maybe not happy exactly, but… understanding. As though he had just had a major breakthrough after being up all night working on a difficult project. 

Azula frowned suspiciously at him, dropping out of her firebending stance so he wouldn’t suspect her. “Avatar,” she addressed him shortly, before retreating back into the saddle. She couldn’t kill him while he was conscious.

“You know,” the Avatar said, poking his head up over the edge of the saddle, “you can call me Aang. You don’t have to call me Avatar all the time.”

Azula sniffed and settled back down into the saddle.

“So,” the Avatar said, climbing over the front of the saddle and dropping lightly down into it. “I was just talking to one of my past lives, and she said there’s something we can do to maybe make your mom go away. I don’t know if it would work, but, if you wanted to, we could try it.”

Azula had to force herself to pretend like the idea of losing the weird hallucinations of her mother wasn’t super appealing to her, although in reality she was dying to know what this idea of his was. She managed to restrain herself to a mere eyebrow raise, doing her best to appear above it all. “What is it?”

“Well, I’m not sure if you knew this,” he said, blushing slightly, “but I have… um… healing abilities. It’s something that some of the water benders can do, you know, but, um, the Avatar can do it too.”

Azula remained expressionless. She was unsure of where this was leading to.

“So, my past life said we could try… healing… your head.”

“That won’t work,” Azula said dismissively, feeling her heart sink in her chest. “This isn't like Dai Li brainwashing. It wasn’t caused by an outside source.”

“That’s what I said!” the Avatar said, pointing at her triumphantly. “But my past life insisted that it was something that could work, with enough repetitions.” His head drooped a little. “The only problem with it is that it isn’t permanent. We’d have to have a… a healing session every week for years.” He shook his head. “And it can only do so much. A lot of the work will have to come from inside you.”

Azula grew suspicious again. Why was he helping her? What did he want in return? “And what do you get out of this?”

The Avatar’s eyebrows furrowed a little and he gave her a confused look.

“Why would you help me?” Azula clarified sharply. “What’s in it for you?”

He drew back from her a little, looking a little offended. “There’s nothing in it for me, I’m doing it because…” he trailed off and sat quietly for a moment, lost in thought. “Well, I don’t know exactly why I’m doing it,” he said after a long silence. “I guess it’s just because I don’t like seeing people in pain.” He shrugged. “Avatar thing, maybe.”

Azula considered for a moment. Would she be willing to let the Avatar heal her head? She’d be in his debt, that wasn’t something she appreciated. And she wasn’t sure that she deserved his help or attention. But, if it was going to get her mother to leave, so she’d never have to think about her again… 

“I love you, Azula,” she heard her mother’s voice from behind her. She slammed her hands over her ears, scrunching up her face in an attempt to get rid of the voice. 

“Fine!” Azula gasped. “Just do it! Now!”

The Avatar looked surprised at her decisiveness, but he grabbed a water pouch from the back and sat behind Azula on the saddle. “Okay, I’ve never done this kind of healing before so I’m going to temporarily go into the Avatar State. Don’t freak out, and don’t kill me.”

“Get it over with,” Azula growled, hands still clenched tightly over her ears.

“I love you, Azula. I do.”

Azula screamed in frustration and pain. The love hurt, not just because it was a lie, but also because she didn’t deserve it, she wasn’t good enough and she never had been. She didn’t want her mother’s love, and that made its presence painful, like a thousand tiny knives tearing her apart from the inside.

“You need to take your hands away from your head,” the Avatar said calmly, drawing out the water.

Forcing her hands away from her temples, Azula began twisting her fingers in her lap, biting her lip to keep herself from crying out in pain. A moment later she felt cool water make contact with the sides of her forehead, and saw a blue-white glow out of her peripheral vision. A peculiar sensation came over her head, as though it was being doused in cool water after a hot shower, and all the pain in her body immediately disappeared, leaving her feeling weak and exposed.

“Okay,” the Avatar said, and with him spoke a hundred voices of all ages. Azula had to force herself not to twist around to see what he looked like. “I need you to talk to me. Tell me something from your past. Anything.”

Something about the water by her temples made Azula drop all her barriers and be completely open, almost completely unaware of what she was saying. “When I was five my mother hit me,” Azula babbled senselessly. She felt the Avatar recoil slightly behind her, but his hands were steady and the glow stayed by her eyes. “She’d never done it before. I probably deserved it, I was being a jerk to Zuko, and then I was being a jerk to Lu Ten, and then I was being a jerk to her, and really, all I am is a jerk who’s undeserving of any attention and I’m such a failure--”

“Try again,” the Avatar said, and a hundred voices backed him up. “Start with something lighter, something that doesn’t make you hate yourself.”

Azula’s eyebrows furrowed and her mind started to pull away from the healing attempt. Something that didn’t make her hate herself. A good memory. What had she done that was good?

“Something done out of love,” the Avatar suggested.

“Love is for fools,” Azula said immediately as a twinge of pain went through her forehead.

“Is there no one you love?”

She struggled against the haze, trying to protect herself from the truth. It came out unbidden, pulled forth by the Avatar’s healing capabilities. “Ty Lee.”

A flood of memories swept through her head and she gasped, eyes darting around as she tried to process them all. Ty Lee, performing a perfect flip. Ty Lee, dancing under the light of the moon. Ty Lee, giggling with Azula as they pulled an elaborate prank on Zuko. Ty Lee, while they were still in school, having a midnight picnic with Azula  just for the sake of breaking some rules. Ty Lee, riding by her side as they pursued the Avatar.

Three short jabs and Ty Lee looking horrified at what she’d done as Azula’s body fell to the ground.

“No!” Azula shrieked, wrenching herself from the Avatar’s grip. She fell across the saddle, bangs falling into her eyes, and pulled herself away from him with only her arms, shivering. The light left his arrow and he passed out with an exhausted sigh. Azula pressed her hands into her temples, trying to force the images of Ty Lee out of her head. Ty Lee, who’d betrayed her. Ty Lee, who’d taught her the final truth-- that no one, no one , could be trusted.

Aang started to work himself up to a sitting position again, holding his head. “Why’d you pull away?” he asked wearily, a tremor going through his entire body. “I felt like we were getting to something.” He shook his head. “Or maybe that was just Avatar State cloudiness. It’s hard to tell sometimes.” His eyebrows lifted concernedly as he looked at Azula, who was now hunched up, shaking from head to toe, jagged bangs obscuring her view of the world. “Here.” he pulled the blanket up from where Azula had thrown it before and laid it gently over her. Azula was too stuck in the past to resist. “Talk to me,” he said, sitting on his feet in front of her and dipping his head down to look her in the eyes.

“Ty Lee and I were such great friends, but it took me a while to realize that I… that she was… more than that. To me,” Azula started slowly, not even fully aware of what she was saying. The remnants of the healing water on her head were clouding her thoughts still. “And when I did… I was terrified. Sozin banned any form of love that wasn't heterosexuality, and I hate myself for loving her, for loving a girl , for failing to comply fully and completely with Fire Nation expectations, for not living up to the flawless princess I’m supposed to be. But when I’m with her, she makes me feel…” She trailed off, searching for the word through the haze of her consciousness.

“Happy?” Aang suggested after she’d been silent for a while.

Azula shook her head, eyes staring blankly into space. “More like, full. Complete.”

Aang nodded, expression filling with understanding. “Like you wouldn’t be the same without her. Like every second you’re alone with her is the most important second in the world. Like if she were to leave, you’d be missing a part of yourself. She fills in your gaps, makes up for your flaws. You’d do anything for her happiness.”

Azula nodded, dully. “Then, at the Boiling Rock, she betrayed me.”

His eyebrows twitched together. “Betrayed you?” 

“She used her chi blocking against me. I was going to lightning bend at Mai as retribution for her betrayal, and Ty Lee chi blocked me and made me feel helpless and alone.”

Aang’s expression cleared with the light of realization. “Azula, I don’t think she betrayed you.”

“Yes, she did,” Azula insisted plaintively.

“No,” Aang said, shaking his head. “She was trying to save you.”

Azula’s head snapped up and she started to return to clarity, to her old personality. “Save me?” she asked sharply, running a hand through her hair to push the bangs away. “Save me from what ?”

Aang-- no, no-- the Avatar gave her a look of pure compassion and understanding that felt like poison to Azula’s core. “Save you from yourself. She wanted to keep you from making a decision you’d regret later. ” He reached out to take Azula’s hand and she snatched it away, glowering at him. “You were about to kill Mai without thinking,” he continued, without the slightest hurt in his tone, “and you would never have been able to forgive yourself if you’d done that. Revenge is like a two-headed rat viper.”

“I would have killed Mai!” Azula yelled aggressively, hair falling back into her eyes. “And she would have deserved it!”

The Avatar shrugged. “Maybe. But you would have been hurt in the process.”

“I’m hurt now!” Azula shouted, shoving him hard in the chest. He swayed back. “Everything hurts! I feel alone and worthless and--” she burst into tears, burying her face in her arms. “No one wants to be around me! Everyone hates me! I wasn’t good enough for Mother, I was barely good enough for Father, and even that was just because I’m a good firebender! I’m not good enough for Ty Lee, and Mai, or Zuko, or anyone else in this stupid place! I can’t even firebend properly any more!” She lifted a hand and a splutter of orange fire erupted out of it before dying into a weak, tiny flame. This whole time she’d been concealing her firebending from him, and now he knew. Luckily, her head was buried in her arms and she didn’t have to see his expression, which she was sure was a look of horror and shock. “I’m a failure, and no one cares about me, and it’s terrifying.” And it was terrifying. Her biggest fear, though she’d never admit it to anyone, was not being good enough. Was failing, and being seen as weak and incapable, and being deemed as having less value than her brother. She didn’t want to be a failure. And she felt like one constantly.

“You’re not a failure, Azula,” Aang said, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.  She flinched away from it and he drew it back without the slightest change in expression. “You have some… problems, but everyone does. Even I do. I lie all the time, and I’m attention-seeking, and I procrastinate on important things, and I goof off instead of doing important stuff, and I run away from my problems instead of facing them, and I’m super self-critical. I fail all the time. But, Azula, there’s a difference between failing and being a failure. You can fail over and over again, but you’ll never be a complete failure until you give up. And I’m not going to let you give up. We’re going to work through all this together.”

“But--” Azula started frantically, drawing her head out of her arms and meeting his calm, grey eyes. “But what if I’m really, truly broken? What if I can’t be fixed?” Her heart was pounding in her chest as she considered the possibility that she was unfixable. That she would be a failure for the rest of her miserable existence.

He shook his head, smiling a little. “We’re not aiming for fixed. We’re aiming for better. Everyone has something to learn. And all anyone can strive for is better . Not fixed, not perfect -- that’s impossible. But better.” 

Breathing heavily, Azula stared at him, tears still streaming out of her eyes. What he was suggesting was so beautiful, and yet so unfamiliar. Relief flooded through her body as she looked at the boy in front of her. Here was a boy who was willing to drop aside all preconceived notions of her character and hand her a clean slate. Someone who would view her not as she ought to be, but as she was, without burdening her with constant expectations. Here was someone who didn’t need perfection from her, just for her to be herself. She didn’t have to worry about failing around him, because he didn’t care if she failed or not. He would accept her no matter what. Azula suddenly felt a strong feeling of release and without warning, she dived forward and wrapped her arms around Aang, sobbing. Obviously a little taken aback, Aang tentatively put his arms over her back and gave her a few reassuring pats.

Pulling away, Azula ran her hands over her cheeks, wiping away the old tear stains even as new tears dripped out. “Sorry,” she said, voice wobbling. “I’m sorry.” Sorry for chasing him all over the world, sorry for hurting him over and over again, sorry for killing him in Ba Sing Se, sorry for destroying part of the Western Air Temple, sorry for being so weak and falling apart all over him. He didn’t deserve any of that, he was too nice. And she was really, truly sorry.

“Don’t be,” he said, smiling nervously. “The breakdown is part of step one.”


They flew all day. Azula felt raw and unprotected in the back of the saddle, huddled under the giant blanket she recognized as the one from Zuko’s room. She was sitting in a state of self-loathing, hating herself for breaking down on the Avatar, for having a giant meltdown right on top of him. She was supposed to be above all that. He was giving her ample amounts of space, sitting up on the bison’s head and playing around with his airbending. Azula tried to be mad at him instead of herself, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He was too nice for her to hold a grudge against him, and he really did seem to be trying to help her as much as he could, even if it wasn’t really working. On the other hand, her mother hadn’t revisited since the Airbender’s healing session, so maybe it had worked, a little.

The bison was swooping around mountains, over the clouds. The Airbender had told Azula where they were going, something about the bison needing rest, but she’d been lost in thought and horror at her lapse in self-control, and hadn’t been paying attention. The mountain tips were like white teeth jutting out of the clouds, reaching out to bite her, wipe her from existence. Even nature was against her. Azula sighed miserably and pulled the blanket more tightly around herself.

The bison grunted and the Airbender yelled back, “You might want to hold onto something-- we’re about to go straight up!”

Without a change in expression, Azula wrapped her arms through one of the loops on the saddle. She doubted that she actually needed the support, but she didn’t want to seem-- the bison suddenly turned and they started going straight upwards, parallel to a sheer mountain face and nearly perpendicular to the ground. Eyes widening in shock, Azula tightened her arms around the side of the saddle.

After a full minute of nerve-racking vertical flight, the bison flattened out again and Azula caught her first glimpse of where they were going. It was a white temple, bursting out of the top of a mountain peak like an elegant crown. The roofs on all the buildings were blue with golden trim, and there were huge trees growing up all over the place, looking almost like they were allowed to just crop up wherever they wanted. Azula’s breath was taken away by the beauty and peacefulness of the sight. She crawled up to the front of the saddle and looked out over the temple, over the Airbender’s bald head. “Is this… is this the Southern Air Temple?” she asked as the bison moved into land.

The Airbender beamed up at her. “That it is! I picked it because there’s sure to be not many people up here, except maybe, maybe a few air acolytes, and they know how to keep a secret. Also, there are beds. As much as I love sleeping on Appa’s tail--” The bison grunted, sounding displeased-- “which, of course,” the Airbender added hastily, “I always really do love doing, because there’s nothing as sweet or as fluffy as Appa...” The bison rumbled deeply and the Airbender laughed, rubbing his head. “But as much as I love all that, it’s nice to have a real bed sometimes,” he finished, looking back up at Azula. 

The bison landed on a flat section of the air temple. It was, in fact, the only portion of the air temple that was flat, the rest of it was just buildings built into the mountain at such a steep angle they looked like they were almost stacked on top of each other. Long ramps and stairs curled around the buildings, creating a maze of pathways that made Azula’s legs hurt just thinking about climbing up them. 

The Airbender jumped up off his bison’s head and did a triple back-flip over the saddle, landing lightly on the luggage piles in the back. He sifted through them and pulled out a blue and white bundle. “Come on!” he shouted, jumping off the saddle and starting towards the temple as though he hadn’t just performed a mind-boggling display of acrobatics. Shaking her head, Azula slid down the bison’s side and ran after him.

He took a deep breath, spreading his arms wide, bundle still held tightly by his right hand. “Can’t you feel the air up here?” he asked, arching his back to expose as much of himself to the air as possible. “It’s so light and… and airy.” He exhaled slowly, dropping his hands back to his side. Azula watched him curiously. It was interesting seeing him completely in his natural element. He flashed her a giant smile and grabbed her hand. “Come on, I want to show you where I grew up!”

Feeling a little taken aback, Azula allowed herself to be dragged past towers and white-walled buildings, up staircase after staircase, around courtyards and gardens, as the Airbender babbled on about all the different parts of the temple, acting as a very enthusiastic tour guide. The Airbender had seemed to completely erase all fear of her, and had replaced it with complete and total trust. Although his trust was something Azula had been aiming for, it felt off-putting to have it so entirely, and so suddenly. Having someone’s full trust was unfamiliar to her, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. It was simultaneously comforting and painful. It was different, that was for sure. 

“And here,” the Airbender said excitedly, pointing towards a low garden plot, which seemed to be the only thing in the entire temple that wasn’t covered in weeds, and instead was overflowing with beautiful flowers, “is where Gyatso and I used to plant flower seeds!” He stopped to kneel down next to the flowers and check them over. “I came back last spring to plant flowers here again,” he explained to Azula, voice shaking a little. “It wasn’t the same without him, but I wanted to feel close to them again.” Azula felt a strange feeling go through her chest and stood in silence trying to understand what it meant as the boy looked over the variety of flowers, a silent tear streaking down his cheek. 

“But anyway!” the Airbender said brightly, standing up straight again, and wiping off the tear without even seeming to notice what it was. “Come with me and I’ll show you my old room!” He reached out for Azula’s hand, eyes raised questioningly for her permission. She set her hand gently in his, looking inquisitively at him. He’d been crying just a second ago-- how had he bounced back so fast? She was starting to feel confused by him again. 

He didn’t give her any time to reflect on this new-found aspect of his personality. Talking fast, he ran off again, pulling him behind her. “That’s where some of the older monks used to meditate, there! And Monk Gyatso and I used to throw fruit pies at them from that balcony up there, see?” Azula smirked as her gaze followed his pointing finger up to the balcony.

“You threw fruit pies at them while they were meditating?” she snickered. 

“Uh-huh,” the Airbender said affirmatively, sounding happier than Azula had heard him since she’d met him, which wasn’t saying much, but still. “And that’s where I used to train in airbending, there. I invented the airscooter right over there, in that courtyard, and right up here is where I got my tattoos… yep! Right there.”

As the boy went on explaining the tattooing process, a destroyed area of the temple caught Azula’s attention. Anything that had been there had been wiped clean, except what looked like a bundle of yellow cloth on a wooden table, though it was unclear from where Azula was standing. She tugged on the Airbender’s sleeve to get him to shut up for a second and pointed. “What’s over there?”

He followed her finger with bright eyes, excited to be able to share information about something she was interested in, and then suddenly his expression went dark. Azula nearly took a step back in surprise. She hadn’t seen the Airbender look this angry and sad in a long, long time, maybe not since Ba Sing Se, and seeing it again was terrifying. This was the look that was generally accompanied by glowing eyes and short, sharp movements coupled with even sharper bending movements that could end her life in an instant. She felt a strong urge to cover her head with her arms and hide.

“That,” he said tersely, “is the site of my biggest failure as the Avatar.”

And without further explanation, he took Azula’s hand up again and started pulling her away. In a few minutes, he was talking as happily as before, seeming to have forgotten all about the destroyed part of the temple. Azula had to admire his resilience, his insistence on staying cheerful even through all the trouble he’d had. 

“And in here,” he said after what felt like hours of leg-burning torture, pushing open a door and leading Azula up yet another steep, spiraling set of stairs. “Is where I used to live. My really old room is further down the temple, but when the monks told me I was the Avatar they moved me in here. It’s bigger than all the other rooms, and warmer, and cleaner, so I thought it would be a good place to stay?” He ended it in a question, looking at her almost for approval.

She gave him a nervous smile, which seemed to pull at her face in ways her smiles didn’t usually. “Yeah, sure.”

“Great!” he said, thrusting the blue and white bundle into her hands. “That’s for you.” Before Azula could stop to examine it, he pushed open another door off the stairs. “This is the room that Gyatso and I used to study and play Pai Sho in.”

Azula’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “You play Pai Sho?”

“Oh, yeah,” the Airbender said, almost dismissively, moving on up the stairs. “Gyatso said it’s supposed to help me learn problem solving and how to think flexibly, but I think he only said that so the monks wouldn’t take away my game time. And also so that he could keep kicking my butt at it,” the Airbender added, disappearing around the next curve in the staircase. “But only because he kept cheating!” he yelled over his shoulder.

With a disbelieving laugh, Azula hurried up the stairs after him.

“And voila !” he exclaimed when she’d caught up, dramatically throwing the door at the top of the many stairs open. “My room.”

Azula stepped in before him, and he poked his head out around her arm so he could see her facial expression, which she purposefully kept stoic. The room was very big compared to the other rooms he’d shown her, but it still wasn’t huge. She supposed in a temple that had to be confined to the space of one singular mountain top, size constraints would make sense. It had two mats for beds on opposite sides of the wide, ovascular room. There were several places in the room that were arranged in a way that Azula thought was probably meant to assist meditation. Other than that, the room was drab and plain. There was only one window, and it was so small that she was pretty sure the most she would be able to stick out of it was her head-- her shoulders would never fit. In fact, without all the sparse furnishings, the room could easily be misconstrued as a prison cell. She turned back to the Airbender, who was looking at her with a hopeful expression on his face. 

“Well?” he said, almost impatiently, when he couldn’t find any sign of emotion in her expression. “What do you think?”

“It’s cleaner than the rest of the temple,” Azula said truthfully. It was cleaner than the rest of the temple, probably because the Avatar had been living in it whenever he came to visit.

The Airbender rolled his eyes. “Well, duh. But what do you think about staying here?”

Azula swept her eyes over the room again. “It’s fine.” She shivered as a draft of mountain air swept in from the window. “Is it always this cold?”

He nodded, looking worried. “Yeah, sorry. This is actually the warmest place in the whole temple, because it’s closest to the spirit world. But that’s why I gave you that!” he said, eyes brightening up. He pointed at the blue and white bundle in Azula’s hand. She sat down on the floor and slowly started to untie the knot holding it together. When she’d gotten it undone, she pulled the string off and the blue-and white bundle rolled out to reveal a long, very warm looking sleeping bag.

“Oh,” she said, lifting it up to see its full length. “A Water Tribe sleeping bag.”

“Yes,” the Airbender said, nodding and looking pleased with himself. “The very best sleeping bag in the entire world, if you ask me, because Katara made it.” He grinned, reaching out and feeling over the fabric. “I love her so much. She’s so nice and smart and--”

“I don’t want your sleeping bag,” Azula said, holding it out for him to take it away from her. 

“Oh, it’s not mine,” he said with laughing eyes. “I don’t need one. Airbenders can keep themselves warm with only their breathing.”

“Then why… oh.” Azula had been about to ask why he had it with him in the first place, until she realized he’d probably brought it just for her. The little turd. She didn’t need him looking over her like a baby turtle duckling. “Did the Water Tribe peasant sleep in this?” she asked, holding it as far away from her as possible and scrutinizing it for dirt. 

The Airbender’s eyes narrowed protectively. “Her name is Katara. And yes, but unless you’d like to freeze to death, you’re going to have to deal with it.”

Azula sighed and bundled it up in her arms, resigning herself to accept that, in fact, the Airbender was right. She didn’t have the breath control to heat herself with firebending anymore. “Fine,” she sighed. “Which bed is mine?” 

The Airbender pointed to the one further from the window and Azula chucked the sleeping bag across the room. It landed in a crumpled heap on the bed. Satisfied, she turned to see the Airbender looking thoughtfully out the window at the sunset. “Do you play Pai Sho?” he asked after a moment.

Azula shook her head, no.

“Do you want to learn?”

Sniffing, Azula replied, “Not really.”

“Why not?” the Airbender asked, looking confused. 

In truth, it was because Azula didn’t want to lose. As she came to this realization, she felt her cheeks start to burn with shame. She knew that if she played against this… this child she would lose, and it was killing her. She was a beginner, and he’d played many times in his childhood. He’d crush her in an instant, and she wasn’t interested in being defeated by him. She didn’t even want to think about the possibility that she wasn’t superior to him in every way, it hurt her too much. “I just don’t want to,” she snapped.

“It’s because you don’t want to lose,” the Airbender said wryly, reading something off her expression. “Don’t worry, I’m not any good at it either. And we can take it slow. And I won’t cheat.” A mischievous grin spread across his face. “Mostly.”

That did it. “Prepare to be burned,” Azula said, marching out of the room and heading straight to the room with the Pai Sho board, flexing her fingers nervously. She heard the Airbender’s laughter follow her down the stairs and she had to force herself not to smile. His laugh was strangely contagious.

She stepped into the room with the Pai Sho table and frowned down at it. It was a circular board with white and red triangles pressing against each other in a square in a middle. There were four red triangles pointing to the corners of this square, and the rest of the board was a light brown. Looking at it reminded her of her stupid, fat Uncle and she didn’t like thinking about him. Pushing these thoughts aside, she settled down on one side of the table. The Airbender came in a second later and took a spot on the other side.

“Okay, so Pai Sho’s kind of complicated,” he said, sounding almost apologetic. “There are a lot of rules.”

“I’m a quick learner,” Azula said in response to that, analyzing the board. 

“Good!” the Airbender responded energetically. “So, I’ll just go over the rules then, and then we can try a practice round, okay?” 

Azula nodded, picking up one of the stone pieces next to the board and looking it over. It was a crude depiction of a wheel, painted white on a dark brown tile. 

“So, the goal of the game is to take the center points before your opponent,” the Airbender said, pointing to several spots on the board where the white wood and the red wood intersected, “and make a chain of harmonies around the center of the board.” He picked up a handful of tiles and looked them over. “All of the tiles mean something different, and usually there’s 54 of them but sometimes people play with more or less, depending on their skill level. Since you’re a beginner, we’ll start small. Pull out three sets of white flowers and three sets of red flowers.” He held them up to show her as he pulled his tiles out, and she matched them with her own. 

“So,” he said, holding up the first of the white tiles. “This is the Jasmine tile. It has to start at Home, which is the point closest to you. It can move 3 spaces in a straight line. And this one--” he held up another white tile-- “is the Lily. It has to start at the East or West port.” He pointed to each side of the board. “It has to move in an L shape and can only…” And on and on he went until Azula’s head was spinning. When he had finished, the Airbender looked up, eyebrows raising concernedly. “Got it?” 

Azula nodded. The rules were a little complicated, but she thought she understood.

“I know it’s kind of hard when you’re first starting out,” the Airbender said slowly, fidgeting with his Lily tile, “so just know it’s okay if you make some mistakes.”

“So how do you take out someone else’s tile?” Azula asked, leaning over the board and looking at his White Jade tile.

The Airbender perked up at her interest, sweeping his flower tiles off the board with his forearm as he continued explaining the rules for her.

“How long can it go?” Azula asked when he was done.

He frowned, eyebrows creasing. “The average game with all the tiles in play usually takes about an hour or two, I think. It can depend on the version of the game you’re playing, but it really just depends on who’s playing. Some people like going really fast, valuing snap-second decisions. And some people like to take it slow, valuing strategy.”

“Have you ever played longer than an hour?”

The corners of his lips lifted slightly. “Yeah, when I played with Uncle I-- um, I mean, with Iroh…” he corrected himself, looking a little abashed at having started to call him Uncle Iroh, “um, we went for three hours once. It was intense. But when I was younger, no. Gyatso usually would start cheating at around three-quarters of an hour of play.”

“Okay.” Azula picked up her white jade tile. “Let’s play.”

The Airbender nodded, smiling, and gestured for her to start. “Why don’t you go first? This is really just a practice round anyway. It’s been a while since I last played.”

Azula placed her white jade tile in the middle of the board. After a moment of thought, looking over his tiles, the Airbender placed his jasmine tile at Home port. The game continued in complete silence. Only occasionally did the Airbender make a negative sound and explain that Azula had broken a rule. When he did this, he did it with grace and a certain amount of apologeticness that made Azula forget all self-blame and instead just adjust the piece to a different spot, in accordance with game rules. Azula played aggressively, knocking out his tiles as soon as she could get to them. She figured that if she could knock out his tiles, he wouldn’t be able to make a harmony at all, and then she’d have won. But he seemed to be capable of anticipating her moves before she made them, and he moved the pieces delicately around the board, avoiding Azula’s attempts to defeat his tiles easily.

Unsurprisingly, the Airbender won, creating a harmony around the center within ten minutes of play. Frustrated with herself for getting beaten so easily, Azula leaned back, crossing her arms. “Whew!” the Airbender said, separating out the tiles in the Pot and handing Azula’s back. “That was really fun-- good job!” She took her tiles back begrudgingly. “Do you want to play again?” the Airbender asked. “I think it will be better this time. Just remember the point isn’t to knock out all my pieces, it’s to make a harmony before me.”

Azula turned her head to the side, scowling. He’d already reprimanded her several times for just focusing on taking his pieces instead of thinking about how to make a harmony. And she wasn’t about to play him again just to have her butt kicked. Again. 

“Azula,” he said softly, voice coaxing her back to looking at him. “It’s okay to lose. It means you’re learning.”

“No,” Azula said through gritted teeth, looking away again. “Losing means I’m failing. I’m not good enough.”

The Airbender sighed, setting his tiles down on his side of the board. “Azula, it’s a game. No one’s ‘good enough,’ because no one needs to be ‘good enough.’ The point of it is to have fun. There’s no judgement, there’s no failure, because every messed up game is an opportunity to play a better one later.”

Biting her lip, Azula looked up at him through her eyelashes. 

“Let’s play again,” he said, smiling warmly. 

And they started again. Azula tried to stop trying to smash out all his tiles and started to instead play more defensively, working around his tiles. The game lasted a full twenty minutes, and the Airbender won again.

“Wow,” he said leaning back and stretching out his arms. “That was way better. You had me going there for a second.”

Azula’s eyes lit up. “Really?” Catching herself, she said off-handedly, “I mean, yeah, it was fine.” She glanced over at him to see him holding in a smirk, sweeping the tiles off the board.

“We should probably go to sleep soon, yeah?” he asked, organizing the tiles in front of him.

Azula sniffed and stood up. “I guess,” she said haughtily. She glanced out the window to see that, indeed, it was dark out. From their spot above the clouds, she could see a glimpse of tiny stars in the sky. She started to head for the door, hoping to be able to look out the bedroom window unsupervised for a bit. “I’m going up,” she called over her shoulder.

The Airbender started putting the tiles away. “‘K, I’ll be there in a second.”

Azula took the stairs two at a time, ignoring the protests of her tired legs. She flew into the Airbender’s room and sprinted to the window. Twisting around uncomfortably, she poked her head through the window and looked straight up at the night sky. It had a tapestry of stars spread all across it, dappling the sky with their celestial light. She sighed contentedly, ignoring the crick that was starting to form in her neck from her twisted up position. The sky was beautiful. She’d rarely ever been able to see the stars so well in her life (and even if she had, she never would have appreciated it like she did now). They twinkled down at her, piercing the walls around her heart with their cold, calming light. Hearing the Avatar on the stairs, Azula pulled her head out of the window and stepped lightly over to her temporary bed, the sleeping bag still laying in a haphazard heap on top of it.

“Well,” he said, entering the room and looking around. “Do you need anything, or are we good?”

Azula pulled her hair out of the ponytail and started to flatten out the sleeping bag. “I’m fine.”

He nodded. “Okay, cool. Just let me know if there’s anything you need.” Launching himself across the room, he floated down onto his bed mat. He landed perfectly on it and he wriggled around for a moment before closing his eyes and appearing to fall asleep. Sighing a little, Azula climbed into the Water Tribe peasant’s sleeping bag. She found it to be much more comfortable than she anticipated, and she snuggled deeper into it, closing her eyes. It quickly warmed up to her body temperature, and after adjusting her hair over her exposed ear, Azula drifted quietly off to sleep.

Chapter 4: Azula Is Good Enough

Notes:

ok! Trigger warnings for shame, loss, past abuse (as usual), hallucinations, feelings of inadequacy or self-hatred, that sort of thing
Warning for swearing (from Azula)
Okay, that's it, enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Azula woke up the next morning feeling exceptionally refreshed, considering she’d been sleeping in a bag on a mat only slightly softer than the floor. Stifling a yawn, she sat up, sleeping bag slipping off around her, and then gave an undignified squeal and burrowed into it again. The cold morning air stood in stark contrast to the warmth inside the sleeping bag. She looked across the room for the Avatar, expecting to see him smirking at the noise that had just escaped her, but he wasn’t there. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, Azula started to work her way out of the sleeping bag again, wincing as the freezing air swept over her. She grabbed her hair tie and pulled her hair into a quick ponytail, not wanting to mess with it too much right now, seeing as her teeth were chattering and every movement exposed another part of her body to the cold. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself, she walked down the stairs. She checked the Pai Sho room, but the Avatar wasn’t in there. Stepping outside, she found him meditating on a rock which sat almost directly above the ruined part of the temple. 

Shivering, she walked up next to him and looked down. His arrows and eyes weren’t lit, so presumably he wasn’t trying to get into the spirit world. He cracked an eye open and looked up at her. “Hi!” He gave his body a violent shake and then started rubbing his hands up and down his thighs. “Sorry if I scared you when I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Azula sat down next to him, barely stifling a gasp as her backside made contact with the cold rock he was sitting on. “It’s fine. I figured you hadn’t gone too far. Not after you took all the trouble to let me out of prison.”

The muscles in his forehead twitched and he pursed his lips. “Right,” he said.

“So what are you doing?”

His eyes brightened up at her interest. “I’m meditating. Do you want to try? It’s much easier for me to do when there’s someone doing it with me.”

She frowned. “I don’t know how.”

“That’s okay!” he said energetically. “That means you have an opportunity to learn!”

“Hurray!” Azula said sarcastically. He gave her a disgruntled look and her expression softened. “Sure,” she said quietly, “let’s try it.”

“Really?” he said, sounding excited again.

She shrugged. “Sure. If I mess up, we’ll just try again, right?”

The corner of his mouth lifted up and then he forced it back down, like he was trying really hard not to smile. “Right, exactly. No such thing as failure.”

“No such thing,” she repeated, taking comfort in the words. Failure, in all reality, was an illogical fear, she realized suddenly. Because the Airbender was right. Failure was just an opportunity for her to begin again. Feeling relieved of a great burden, she smiled and felt her back relax just the tiniest bit. 

“Okay. Sit like this, like I am.” He gestured to his legs, which were tightly woven in front of him. Azula tried to get her legs in that position, and after a few tries and a lot of barely suppressed grunts, she managed to do it. “This is called the full lotus position,” he explained as soon as she’d gotten into it. “Now just put your hands wherever they feel comfortable. We don’t have to do mudras right now, since you’re just beginning.”

Azula hesitantly laid her hands palms down on her knees. The Airbender nodded and mimicked her position. “Now all you have to do is match your breath to mine. Just focus on how it feels to have air rushing in and out of your body. Think of it like a circle of air. It comes in, and then it goes through your body, and then it comes back out. And then it comes in… You get it?” 

She gave him a tiny nod.

“Keep your back straight. And breathe with me.”

He closed his eyes and started to breathe, taking slow, deep breaths, and releasing them. Azula closed her eyes too and tried to match his rhythm, listening carefully to every breath he took and taking one with him, until they were breathing together, like one big lung letting air in and out, in and out, in and out. Azula started to feel herself relax and then--

“I love you, Azula,” her mother whispered in her ear.

Azula screamed, slamming her palms over her ears. Aang was up and in a defensive stance in an instant, not even pausing to see what the matter was. He looked wildly around for the threat, and then he looked down at Azula, who was hunched over her crossed legs, shaking from head to toe, bangs slipping out of her ponytail and into her face.

“Yeah,” he sighed, crouching down next to her. “I should have seen this coming.”

“She’s here again!” Azula shrieked, tugging at her ears, trying to pull them off, screaming. The Airbender grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away from her face. 

“Azula,” he said calmly. “Tell me why you’re afraid of her.”

Azula burst into tears, wrenching her arms out of the Airbender’s grip and wrapping them around her waist. “I’m not-- I’m not afraid of her,” she gasped. 

“Then what is it?” he asked softly, putting his hands back down in his lap. “What’s wrong?”

Azula shook her head, tears pouring down her cheeks. Her breath was coming in gasps and she was barely exhaling, chest heaving in little hiccups as she tried to keep herself from sobbing. The Airbender was looking at her with compassion and care, and it was painful to her, because she knew she didn’t deserve his empathy. And with that came the fear that if he could fully see who she truly was, he wouldn’t be looking at her like that-- like she was someone who could be loved. Someone who could be saved.

“Azula…” he said, slowly reaching up again and hesitatingly putting just the tips of his fingers on her back, ready to pull away. But she didn’t push him off this time, and he held still, fingers brushing against her back like an anchor to the real world. “What is it?”

“She makes me feel… bad,” Azula answered between gasps. She didn’t know how to explain the feeling, it just wasn’t right.

“Bad how? Afraid? Insecure? Uncomfortable?” 

Azula shook her head, no, no, no.

“Alone? Unwanted? Wrong? Useless? Stupid? Like you disappointed her? Guilty?” 

Azula cocked her head to the side at the last two. “Not g-g-guilty,” she said. “But kind-- kind of like-- that.”

His expression cleared in understanding. “Ashamed?” he asked quietly.

It was like someone lifting a candle in a dark room. Azula nodded slowly, amazed that he’d managed to hit the right word, the word for the feeling she wouldn’t have been able to place. “Yes,” she gasped. “I feel so ashamed.”

His eyebrows knitted themselves together and he frowned at her in apparent confusion. “But why?” he asked. “What do you have to be ashamed of?”

“Everything,” she said, calming down a little and wiping away her tears, running a hand through her hair to push the bangs out of her face. “Everything I am and everything I have ever been is worth being ashamed of.” 

He shook his head. “Why?”

Burying her head in her arms, she said quietly, “Because I’m not good enough.”

He drew back a little, looking really confused now. “What? That’s not true, Azula you--”

“It is true!” Azula yelled, head jerking up out of her arms so fast her neck popped. “I’ve never been good enough, never, ever, and it’s shameful . It hurts .” And it did hurt. She hadn’t given it much thought before, but now that she was thinking about it, and expressing her feelings out loud, she realized how much it really, truly hurt. It hurt like a blade wedged in one of her joints so every time she moved, burning pain shot up her limb into her body. It felt like a thousand bleeding papercuts. It felt like a loud and horrible ringing in her ears, and a constricted chest, and a lump in her throat and sweaty hands and short breaths and weak knees. And there was nothing, nothing , that made the pain go away except closing it off and hiding it from the world. So now, putting it out in the open, was the most painful and terrifying thing in the world.

“Azula, you are enough. You--”

You don’t get it, Aang!” she screamed angrily at him, jumping to her feet. He fell over and landed on his bottom, looking up at her with something akin to fear in his eyes. He was seeing her as she truly was now, a girl who had lost control over her own mind. A girl who was broken. Azula knew what the proper reaction was to that sight. Fear. “You don’t get it!” she yelled at him again, voice coming out hoarse and loud, shaking in her anger. “I wasn’t good enough for my father-- I’m still not--I’m a constant failure to him. I’m not good enough for him and the only reason he gives two shits about me is because I’m a better firebender than Zuko. He hates me, and I couldn’t kill you, and I couldn’t get Zuko, and I couldn’t beat that stupid waterbender or my own stupid, dumbass brother! And I wasn’t good enough for Uncle , spirits forbid we were even in the same room as each other. I wasn’t ever feminine enough for him. He wanted me to like dolls and playing princess with all my ‘little friends’ and that’s not who I am! And because I’m not some insipid tea-party loving little girl who needs to be protected, he thinks I’m insane! And because I wanted to learn firebending and how to fight with swords, I’m diabolical!” She was screaming out the words, bangs forming a jagged diagonal across her cheeks, entire body shaking in anger as she paced in front of Aang, who hadn’t moved and was staring up at her in shock. “He wants me put in a madhouse! And don’t even get me started on Zuko! And I’m not good enough for Mai and Ty Lee, that much is clear-- but I don’t even know what I did wrong there, so it must be me, it has to be me, because what else is there? I’m not good enough !” she screamed, blue fire erupting from her hands. The Airbender inched a little away from her, watching the fire warily.

“I wasn’t even good enough for my own mother,” she said quietly, looking at the fire in her hands. A tear slid out of the corner of her eye and the blue fire flickered and went out. “She hated me. The way she looked at me sometimes…” Azula squatted down, resting her arms on her knees and her head on her arms. “It was like she couldn't even begin to fathom how she ended up with me for a daughter. She always liked Zuko more than me, she was always comparing the two of us, and it hurt. I never said anything about it, but it hurt so, so bad. I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t good enough for my father, my mother, my uncle, my brother, my two best friends, and anyone else whose opinions mattered to me. Everyone hates me.”

“I don’t hate you,” the Airbender said quietly from somewhere over her left shoulder.

“Sure you do,” Azula said, casting him a dubious look. He looked more concerned than anything else, thin eyebrows lifted up. “I killed you in Ba Sing Se. There’s no way you wouldn’t hate me after that. Plus the fact that I’m a terrible person.”

“Azula, I’ve long forgiven you for Ba Sing Se, and all the other stuff you did to me during the war. If you needed to hear it out loud, here: I forgive you.”

Shaking her head, Azula turned away. “I don’t deserve forgiveness. I’m not good enough.”

“No, Azula,” he said and she felt his hand return to her shoulder blade. “Everyone is good enough for forgiveness.”

She sighed. Stupid, happy monk, living in his stupid, happy world where everything was rainbows and butterflies. Well, this was the real world now, and he was going to have to learn that--

“Can you tell me something?” the Airbender asked, interrupting her thoughts. He moved around so he was in front of her.

Her eyes flickered up and met his. He looked open and genuine, if a little worried. She nodded slowly,

“Who is a person who makes you feel… not ashamed? A person who… makes you feel comfortable with yourself. Can you think of anyone like that?”

Azula’s eyebrows furrowed as she thought back through all the people she’d ever met, searching for someone who’d made her feel like she could be who she was and not have to pretend with, or hold back her true feelings around. “I guess… you, sort of,” she said slowly. He blinked in surprise.

“Anyone else?” he asked. “I’m flattered,” he added hastily, “and really happy that you thought of me, but I was wondering if there was anyone else.”

She nodded slowly. “Lu Ten,” she managed to choke out, tears flooding her eyes again. She wiped them away, trying not to cry. It had been ages since she’d allowed herself to say his name out loud. She still cried on the anniversary of his death, even after all these years, though no one knew about it. They’d see her as weak if they knew. 

If the Airbender had looked surprised to hear his own name, that was nothing to how he looked now. His eyes were wide in shock and he was looking at her as though unsure if she was lying or not. “Your cousin?” he asked incredulously.

“Yes,” she snapped defensively.

The Airbender put his hands over his head again. “Sorry, sorry,” he said, sounding truly apologetic. “I just wasn’t expecting that.” He shifted around until he was sitting cross-legged in front of her. “Okay, tell me about him. What did he do that made you feel so comfortable with yourself?”

Azula frowned, pursing her lips. “It wasn’t really what he did so much as what he didn’t do.”

One of the Airbender’s eyebrows popped up. “What didn’t he do?”

Oh, so many things. Azula could have listed them for hours. Lu Ten didn’t look at her like she was dirt on the palace floor, he didn’t criticize her for every little thing she did wrong. He didn’t try to enroll her in dance lessons, or get her toy doll sets for her birthday. He didn’t turn his back on her when she needed him most, he didn’t steal her mother away from her, he didn’t team up with the Avatar just to annoy her. He didn’t act like every second around her was a chore. He didn’t hate her unconditionally.

“He didn’t see me for only my flaws,” Azula said finally. “He saw my good parts and bad parts and valued them equally.”

“Very good,” the Airbender said, bobbing his head up and down. “And do you think you have good parts as well as bad parts?”

Azula hesitated. The Airbender was quick to pick up on this and adjusted the question.

“Do you think everyone else does?”

She nodded a little.

“So do you?”

After a brief pause, she nodded again.

“And if Lu Ten saw your good parts and your bad parts and valued them equally, then don’t you think you should do the same for yourself?”

Azula’s eyebrows twitched together.

“Don’t you think,” the Airbender prompted, “that you are worthy of love and attention just like everyone else? Because you, like everyone else, have virtues and flaws?”

“But it’s different for me,” Azula protested as she caught on to his meaning.

“Why?” he asked.

Azula struggled with the question. Why was it different for her? Why didn’t she get to have anyone care for her? And the more she thought about it, the less it made sense. Maybe she was a little like everyone else. Just a little. A smile started across her lips and she nodded in understanding.

The Airbender returned her smile. “Tell me about it,” he said, relaxing a little in his position by putting his hands on the ground behind him and leaning back on them. “Tell me what you just learned.”

Azula felt herself start to close off again, putting up her walls to keep him out of the vulnerable parts of her heart. “But what if--”

“Just tell me,” he interrupted, seeming to understand her hesitation. “If you get it ‘wrong,’ I’ll help you.”

Azula started to relax again. She felt safe with the Airbender. Safer than she had felt in a long time. Safe enough to tell him the deepest secrets of her heart. Safe enough to be vulnerable, because in all reality, he was almost always open and vulnerable with her. He seemed to purposefully put himself in a position of vulnerability to make her feel safe. And he was too good, too peaceful to actually harm her, or use her secrets against her. So, relaxing, she relayed back the point he’d been trying to get her to see. “I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself,” she told him slowly, “because I have some worth.”

He smiled and nodded. “Try to steer away from negatives,” he warned her. “Instead of, ‘I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself,’ say, ‘I’m proud of myself.’”

She nodded, taking this in stride. “I have… problems, but I also have… talents. And strengths.” She started to speed up, feeling relief wash over her as she took in what she was saying. “My weaknesses are balanced off by my strengths. I have bad qualities and good qualities, just like everyone else. I don’t need to feel like I’m not good enough for people, because I am good enough. I'm fine.”

She smiled triumphantly at the Airbender in front of her, and he gave her a quiet smile in return, looking almost proud. “Well done,” he said warmly, standing up and stretching his legs by pacing around a little. Azula stared up at him in wonder. Every time she felt like she was falling apart at the edges, this boy took the desolation and slowly guided her hand as she put it back together. She felt more relaxed now than she had in a long time, more open and accepting.

“We should probably go now, yeah?” the Airbender asked, pointing out over the clouds at the sun, which was peeking its rays just over them, casting an orange-yellow glow over everything. “We have a full day's flight ahead of us.”

Azula nodded and stood up, impulsively pulling her bangs out of her eyes. “I’ll go get the peasa- the Water Tribe sleeping bag.”

The Airbender nodded and watched after her as she reentered the building. She walked past the Pai Sho room, considering him. He had such a quiet strength. It was easily overlooked, and she regretted not seeing it before. His balance, his complete acceptance of himself, made him stable and strong, like a rock, but also peaceful and free, like the air. He was serious and cheerful, quiet and loud, stubborn and forgiving. And, Azula realized suddenly, he was someone she trusted.

As she rolled up her sleeping bag, she looked out the window at him. He was standing stock still, looking out over the demolished part of the temple. Shaking her head in confusion, she stepped away from the window and walked quietly down the stairs.

As she exited the staircase, he turned and walked over to her, biting his lip. “Ready?” he asked, holding out his hands for the sleeping bag. Azula handed it to him unquestioningly. He wrapped his arms around it, squeezing it close to his body. Azula started back down the mountain side and he followed after her.

As they passed the spot where she had first seen the destroyed part of the temple, the boy put out a hand to stop her. “Wait,” he said, voice thick with emotion. He pointed out to the destroyed part of the temple. “You asked what that was.”

Azula nodded, watching his face carefully. He looked sad now-- the anger was all gone.

“I told you that’s the site of my biggest failure as the Avatar. It’s actually the site of two of my biggest failures as the Avatar.” He looked down at it, sighing heavily.

“When they told me I was the Avatar, I ran away,” he told her. “I’m not sure if you knew that.”

Azula shook her head, she didn’t.

“And then there was a big storm and, long story short, I got frozen in an iceberg for a hundred years with Appa.”

Azula nodded. She did know that.

“When I came back here for the first time,” the boy said, picking his words carefully, “I didn’t realize fully that the Airbenders were really, truly gone. Until….” He pointed at the spot again. “That’s where I found Gyatso’s body,” he said, voice cracking.

Azula recoiled visibly. She didn’t know much about this Gyatso person, but he clearly mattered a lot to the boy, so much that all the Airbender had been talking about their entire stay was Gyatso. Azula assumed the boy regarded Gyatso as family. And she’d had trouble with her mother leaving in the middle of the night, and hearing about Lu Ten’s death from a letter, so she couldn’t imagine what it would feel like for this boy, for this little kid, to find out about his only family’s death by stumbling across his skeleton. It must have been… horrible, just horrible.

Suddenly she understood. His first failing as the Avatar was running away, leaving Gyatso and all the Air Nomads to die without him. And judging by the state of that portion of the temple, when he found Gyatso’s body, he’d entered the Avatar State and had wreaked havoc on the temple. So his second failing as the Avatar was losing control and wiping one part of his temple, of his heritage, of his home, clean off the mountain.

“It’s okay,” she murmured, suddenly feeling a strong, inexplicable urge to hug him as he struggled to keep talking around his tears. “I understand.”

“Sometimes,” the boy said darkly, turning away from the demolition, “I think if I was given the opportunity to go back and convince myself to not run away I would do it. Leave Katara and all my friends, just to get the Air Nomads back, just to be with them for one more day. Even if I died when the Fire Nation attacked, it would have been worth it. Just for one more conversation, one more look at all their faces. For the longest time after I woke up, I’d keep bringing up things they’d find funny, things Katara and Sokka never understood, or turning to tell someone something and then realize I’d never be able to tell them anything ever again. I...” He shook his head and started down the temple again, leaving Azula to stand and process his words alone.

A weird, unfamiliar feeling was rising in her chest and throat. She shook her entire body out to try to get rid of it and then raced down the stairs after him. 

“You should be able to firebend again now,” the boy told her as soon as she’d caught up with him.

Azula almost-- almost laughed him off. “Wait, really?” she asked, eyes widening. She was trying to force herself to not get hopeful that he was telling the truth, but she couldn’t think of any reason he would lie. Unless he was just wrong. Which was always a possibility as well.

He nodded. “Try it,” he suggested.

She held her hand out in front of her and then hesitated. What if he was wrong? Then she’d look stupid and feel terrible about herself all over again. “I don’t want to do it right now,” she said. “Not here,” she said as an excuse, waving around at all the white buildings.

His lips curved up into a smile. “That’s very considerate,” he said, beaming happily at her. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Azula muttered, now feeling sorry for lying.

They made it to the bison very quickly, seeing how the entire walk was downhill, and the boy gave his bison a loving pat before jumping lightly up into the saddle with one bound and strapping the sleeping bag back in. He pulled out a bag of food from his portion and dropped down to the bison’s head.

On the ground, Azula was staring at her hand, feeling inexplicable fear wash over her. If she tried firebending and it didn’t work…. But then she remembered what the boy said, about failure just being an opportunity to start again, and she found courage. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she flicked her wrist. A bundle of orange flames burst out in her hand and she smiled a little. It wasn’t her usual blue fire, which she was quite proud of, but it was good enough. She could firebend again. And now that she could… she looked up at the boy, lounging on his bison and talking happily to it. No, she couldn’t kill him, she realized suddenly. And not because she needed him to get Ty Lee. She couldn’t kill him because, as much as she hated to admit it, he was helping her, in more ways than one. She was starting to feel… normal again. Well, not normal, because everything about how she felt was new and different. But he was helping her feel less insecure, and she valued that more than she let on. And the visions she was getting of her mother were becoming… less clear, almost, as though her mother was just a passing shadow instead of a living terror. And, she felt that he wasn’t going to turn his back on her, and he wasn’t going to make her feel badly for all her actions or shame her for who she was. She could fail him over, and over, and over again, and he would still give her another chance, lend her a hand to get back up on her feet again.

Even if she could win her father’s love back by killing the Avatar-- and she was starting to doubt that she could-- she was no longer sure that it would be a good trade. The Avatar was someone she could rely on, and her father… wasn’t. He was too fickle, too hard to please.

She made up her mind and crossed over to the side of the bison, pointing the handful of flames at the Avatar.

“Look,” she said. 

He turned and looked, a grin blooming across his face as he saw the orange fire in her hand. 

“I can firebend again,” Azula said, giving him a happy smile, pulling at odd muscles in her face.

And she was happy, she realized as she climbed into the bison’s saddle. Happier than she had been in a long time. Happier, and more secure.

She could firebend again.

Notes:

AZULA HAS LEARNED EMPATHY PEOPLE WOOT WOOT!!!!!
this is my comfort chapter, I love almost every second of it, and I hope you love it too!
I'll post more sometime next week byeeee

Chapter 5: Aang Visits the Water Tribe

Notes:

tw for mentions of violence and maybe implied abuse/neglect? it's all very minor
also, a note for people who don't use the metric system, a kilometer is about 6/10 of a mile.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Aang didn’t know what to think of Azula anymore. There were moments when she acted like a totally normal teenager, one that wasn’t thinking about plunging her hand into his chest and ripping out his still beating heart. And then there were moments when she looked at him like that was still an option. But in the moments that she was stable, she was actually really nice. Unsure of herself, but nice. He’d counted how many genuine smiles he’d seen from her and it came up to the stunning number of six. Six smiles. And after she’d given them, her face would falter and she’d wiggle her jaw around, as though the smile had felt weird to her muscles. 

He sighed and leaned back on Appa. When she would have a decent conversation with him (which wasn’t often-- most of the time she just brooded in the saddle), he had to be so careful not to say anything that might bring up her walls again. And then eventually he’d say something wrong and she’d close off and he’d feel like slamming the palm of his hand into his forehead, peeved with himself for messing up the progress. But he had to be careful not to do even that, because he was trying to be a good role model, and that would not be a good habit to pass on. He knew where he’d gotten the habit -- Sokka was always doing stuff like that, and so he knew how contagious it was. He had to be so careful.

But she was making progress, he reminded himself. Three chakras open and flowing. The guilt chakra had been the easiest-- maybe she just didn’t have that much guilt, or maybe it was just pure coincidence. Or maybe it was how easily and quickly he’d forgiven her. And shame had been the hardest. In fact, he still wasn’t sure that the shame chakra was open. He’d tried, but even the slightest misstep now could close it right back up again. Actually, it was good that they were going on this one on one field trip right now, because contact with any other members of Team Avatar at the current moment could mess everything up. As much as Aang loved Katara, she could be a little unforgiving and stubborn sometimes-- well, it wasn’t that she was unforgiving, more that she wasn’t nearly as quick to trust as Aang was. She’d be horrified if she knew how much Aang had (intentionally) let down his guard around Azula. And she definitely would be super suspicious and very closed off around Azula, which would be unhealthy for both of them at the current moment.

Sokka on the other hand, would be making a whole ton of terrible jokes and sarcastic comments that Azula most likely wouldn’t get and would be very offended or hurt by, which again, would be a bad idea.

Zuko… just no. Contact with Zuko would be probably the worst thing for Azula right now. And Iroh wouldn’t be any better, because although Iroh would handle the situation better than Zuko, Azula clearly didn’t trust him at all. Too many bad memories.

Toph… actually, Toph would be the only one of the whole group, except maybe Suki, who would be fine around Azula. Meaning, she’d be a total jerk, but since she was like that with everyone, it would be fine. And Toph would probably be the fastest to forgive Azula as well.

Suki would be hard. She was good at acting, so she had that going for her, but Suki was a suspicious person in general, and held everyone at a distance until she really knew she could trust them. And seeing as Azula had already earned Suki’s hate a hundred times over… not good.

Aang sighed again. Thinking about his friends was painful. He didn’t know where they were, or what was going on with them, and it was a constant source of stress for him even in normal circumstances, so now… Shaking his head to keep his imagination at bay (he’d gotten into the habit lately of imagining all the horrible things the Dai Li could be doing to his friends, and the last one had nearly sent him into the Avatar State, thus the early morning meditation), he popped his head up over the saddle edge. Azula was awake, but she was slumped over, head resting on her arms, looking exceptionally bored. 

“You look bored,” he observed.

She shot him a look that clearly said that she was, indeed, very bored, and didn’t appreciate him pointing it out.

“I’m bored too,” he added.

Not the slightest change in expression from Azula.

“I wish we had a portable Pai Sho set so I could be crushing you at it right now,” he tried again, a smile playing around his lips.

The corner of Azula’s lip twitched and she forced it back down, looking annoyed. “I’m not so sure you’d be crushing me,” she said haughtily.

“True, true,” he conceded, holding up his hands, palms out to show his defeat. “By some miracle you might beat me.” He grinned wickedly. “But only if I didn’t cheat first.”

Azula took a deep breath and looked up at the sky, clearly trying not to smile. She artfully changed the subject. “What did you do up here when you were traveling around the world with the Water Tribe peasants?”

Aang’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. She kept calling them that. He suspected it was a force of habit now, although at the beginning she had clearly meant it. Choosing to pretend he didn’t hear it, he answered, “Oh, it was boring then too. It’s always pretty boring.” He folded his arms on the edge of the saddle and rested his head on them. “But we would talk and Sokka would make bad jokes and Katara would mock him for it. And when Toph came, things got really fun because she doesn’t care who she’s making fun of, so she just made fun of all of us the whole time. We got to know each other really well up here. Most of our bonding time happened on Appa. And we had Momo up here with us too, and he’s just a furry bundle of chaos with two really big ears, so that was always exciting. And we had you and Zhao and Zuko chasing us around so that was always cause for some excitement. Whenever things got boring, there would be an unexpected fireball flying at us and things would get really crazy really quickly. And I guess there was always more training to do. I did a lot of my waterbending training up here.”

“So…” Azula’s eyebrows furrowed. “You just talked?”

Aang shrugged. “Yep.” 

“Well then.” She straightened up and crossed her legs out in front of her, looking at him expectantly. “What would you like to talk about?”

Aang smiled. She must have been really bored to be actually starting a conversation with him. “You know to have a conversation I’m going to have to ask you questions  and you’re going to have to answer them,” he warned her.

She gave him an annoyed look. “Yes, of course I know that.”

“Okay.” He shifted so his head was propped up by one hand, one elbow resting on the edge of the saddle. “What do you like to do for fun?” Passions. Always a good starting point.

Azula’s eyebrows creased together. “Firebending?” she said, stating it like a question and giving him an uncertain look. “I don’t know. There wasn’t a lot of… fun. Growing up.” She looked nervous all of a sudden, as though she thought Aang was going to judge her. He forced his expression to stay completely open, although he was dying to get more information on this. 

“Did you play any games with--” he cut himself off before saying Zuko, and quickly changed to-- “Mai and Ty Lee?”

Azula frowned. “Tag. And Ty Lee liked to show us how to do weird acrobatics things. And whatever board games we could find laying around.” Her frown deepened. “But there wasn’t a lot of time for that, and it was… frowned upon.”

Aang couldn’t imagine growing up without a steady stream of fun and messing around. He still liked messing around, and he wasn’t even a little kid anymore. A lot about Azula suddenly made sense to him. She took everything seriously because she didn’t know any better. She didn’t play games or laugh openly because her entire life that wasn’t something she was allowed to do. He had to stop himself from looking sad for her, because he was starting to realize that Azula didn’t like that either.

“Now you ask me a question,” he said, deciding a subject change was a good idea. “That’s fair.”

Azula pursed her lips together, hesitating. “What do I ask you about?”

He shrugged. “Anything. And I’ll answer it truthfully. What do you want to know about me?”

She shifted a little, clearly trying to think of what she wanted to ask him. Finally, she asked, “Which… which element is your favorite? To bend.”

Aang drew back a little in surprise. He’d been expecting something a little more manipulative, something that she’d want to know about Zuko, or her dad, or palace life or something political, not his personal preferences on bending. “Air,” he answered quickly. “Birth elements are usually the favorite of the Avatar. Then after that…” he thought about it for a second. It was between Earth and Water after that-- Fire was too destructive, too dangerous. He liked Earth because it was reliable and straightforward. He told it what to do, and it did it, no questions asked. But he liked Water because it was calm, and soothing. It healed and was slow and thoughtful. He looked back at Azula and saw her giving him an inquisitive look, head tipped to the side. 

“Sorry,” he breathed out in a laugh. “I’m trying to decide between earthbending and waterbending. I think…” he considered for one more second. “I think Earth,” he said finally. “But it’s hard.” He laughed again, shaking his head. “Then Water, then Fire.”

“Fire last?” she asked, looking confused and somewhat affronted.

Aang nodded. “I don’t like how easy it is to burn people with fire. It’s too easy to hurt them.”

Azula brushed this off. “Proper breath control will fix that.”

Aang’s eyebrow popped up. He hadn’t expected Azula to understand where he was coming from with this-- in fact he’d expected her to argue. And he certainly hadn’t expected her to come back with advice. “Wait, what do you mean proper breath control?” he asked, launching himself into the saddle and sitting cross legged in the front of it. “Am I doing it wrong?”

She sighed, obviously a little put out by the amateur in front of her. “Well, if you have proper breath control, you’ll be able to control it better. You’ll be able to control it to the point that you could have fire snaking all the way up your body, and you wouldn’t be burned.”

His eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yes.” She clearly didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Well, good to know, thanks,” Aang said, picking up on this. “My turn?”

Azula nodded shortly.

Aang was trying to keep his questions light and easy, trying not to hit on anything that might trigger a manic spell. But it was hard, harder than he expected it to be. Everything could be a potential trigger. Eventually he gave up and just asked, “Do you have a favorite food?”

Her eyebrows came together again, and Aang started to regret the question. Favorite food was hard, because there were so many foods to choose from. “Well, let’s narrow it down,” he said, trying to help out. “Favorite thing to eat for breakfast.”

She looked out at the clouds to her right, thinking. “I like having fish for breakfast,” she said slowly after a long time of thought. “And rice.”

Aang jumped on this, relieved to have an answer. “I love rice so much. I think rice might be my favorite food.”

Azula looked startled by this answer, startled to have something in common with him. “Rice is… good,” she said. Then she winced. Aang suddenly felt reminded of Zuko and he had to force himself not to smile. The two of them, Azula and Zuko, were so awkward when their anger was stripped away. When they weren’t angry, they just looked lost and it was… cute. There was no other word for it.

“Rice is good,” Aang agreed, head bobbing up and down. “Okay, your turn.”

Azula paused, pursing her lips together. Aang could tell she had a question in mind, but she wasn’t sure of how to phrase it, so he sat still and patiently waited for her to figure it out. Finally she said hesitantly, “Tell me about this… Gyatso person.”

Both of Aang's eyebrows shot straight up. Another unexpected question from Azula. Very unexpected. She was curious about him on a more personal level now, rather than just on the acquaintance/enemy level, and it was new, and interesting. “Gyatso…” Aang said slowly. “Well, he taught me airbending. He taught me pretty much everything I knew before I got frozen in the iceberg. He was like a mentor to me.” Aang’s eyebrows furrowed together again. “I guess you could say he was like family. I guess… Air Nomads didn’t really have parents, but Gyatso was the closest thing to a father I ever had.” His eyebrows creased further. “I’m not really sure how that works.” He laughed a little. “I’ll probably be a terrible dad when Katara and I have kids because I have no idea how that’s supposed to work.”

It took him a second to realize what he said and then he immediately turned beet red. “I mean if!” he exclaimed, trying to backtrack, waving his hands defensively out in front of him. “ If Katara and I have kids. Because we’re definitely not-- we haven’t-- we haven’t even had… I mean, we’re not even married yet-- I mean, if we’re even going to be married-- which, I mean, I want to get married with her, don’t get me wrong but-- we haven’t talked about kids or-- oh spirits.” He buried his head in his arms, face burning. He was digging a hole for himself to die in at breakneck speed. “I’m just going to stop talking,” he mumbled, head still buried in his arms.

He kept his head hidden behind his arms, miserably wishing he could just disappear off the face of the earth, when he heard a strange sound coming from Azula. He lifted his head just a little to see what was happening, and then drew it slowly out further, staring at her in awe.

Because she was laughing. It wasn’t full, clear laughter-- she was definitely trying to contain it, but it wasn’t maniacal ‘I can’t wait to get my hands around your throat’ laughter either. And it was actually… nice. It was almost completely silent, all shaking shoulders, but every once in a while a little giggling sound would come out, only to be stifled quickly, making it sound kind of like she was humming at a high pitch at weird intervals. Her lips were twisted up but tightly pursed closed, and the corners of her eyes were all crinkled up. She was actually, genuinely laughing.

When she saw him looking curiously at her, she tried to cover her face, and her laughter, with her hand. But Aang had seen it, and there was no going back now. He gave a little chuckle, still amazed that Azula even had the capacity to laugh, even if she was clearly doing it at him. 

“Sorry,” she gasped. She took a deep, steadying breath. “I’m sorry,” she said, composed again. “I shouldn’t have laughed.”

Aang shook his head, still staring. “No, no, it’s okay. I mean, I wasn’t trying to be funny but I’m glad you found it… funny. And laughed.” He shook his head again, a small smile drifting across his lips. The Azula he had just seen, the one who laughed and smiled and was able to see the humor in a situation… that was the Azula that Aang wanted to save. That was the reason he was doing this.

“My turn?” he asked, smiling welcomingly at her.

She nodded, back to being completely stoic. But Aang knew now that there was a happy, playful Azula somewhere in there still, and he wasn’t going to forget anytime soon. He was going to bring that Azula to light over and over until she embraced the happier side of her personality, the side she’d managed to keep untainted by her crazy family. And then Azula would be better. Easier to talk to, at the very least.

And Aang was determined.

 

It took them all day to get to the Southern Water Tribe.

When they did get to the South Pole, it was dusk, and Azula and Aang were both in a torpor. They’d talked for nearly four hours that morning, then they’d eaten lunch, and then they’d talked for another hour, and then Aang, exhausted from his attempts to get Azula to smile, had collapsed back down onto Appa’s head and had lain there in a state of mindless consciousness for a good two hours. 

He’d gotten a total of eleven real smiles out of Azula. Five hours of work, for eleven smiles. He wasn’t really sure if that was a fair trade. 

When he saw the ice caps of the South Pole approaching, he perked right back up again. There was about to be excitement again. Sneaking around was fun. Sneaking around places he knew like the back of his hand was the most fun, because it came with a certain amount of confidence. It removed the terror of being caught and replaced it with sheer excitement over the fact that he was breaking rules and no one would ever know. 

He landed Appa about a mile away from the village, which was more like a town now, with all the renovations they were doing. It was a huge source of pride for Sokka, the progress of the Southern Water Tribe. And, even more amazing was the fact that the Southern Water Tribe had progressed and reformed itself almost single handedly. The Northern Water Tribe had helped a little, but mostly the Southern Water Tribe had handled itself. 

Katara, on the other hand, was a little unsure. She shared Aang’s view that too much progress too quickly could cause more harm than good, destroying old, important traditions in the process of making new things. Which was fine when done in moderation. But sometimes Katara (and Aang) worried that the people of this world, this new world beyond the war, were forgetting the important parts of their culture in order to have the newest, fanciest item installed.

But that was beside the point for the moment. Aang brushed these thoughts out of his mind and hopped down from Appa, landing lightly in the snow.

“This is not a village,” Azula told him, poking her head out over the edge of the saddle and looking out at the expanse of snowy flatness around them.

Aang laughed. “No, it’s not. We’re about two kilometers away. We’re going to walk into the village so we can hopefully be incognito.”

Azula blinked at him, looking at him like she’d never seen someone so stupid. “ You can’t be incognito,” she said finally. “You have a literal arrow pointing out who you are. It’s like a giant target.”

“Ahh,” Aang said sagely. “You underestimate my skill here. Don’t worry, we’ll be in and out and no one will even notice.”

Azula gave him an incredulous look, then shrugged and slid down Appa’s side to the ground. “I’m just going to enjoy watching all your hopes and dreams get crushed here, Airbender.”

Aang grinned, feeling pretty sure that she was joking. “You will be sorely disappointed,” he informed her, turning and looking for a good patch of ice to waterbend away. He found one in a moment and pulled out a long stream of water, making a tunnel into the ice.

“You can’t be serious,” Azula said flatly.

“Better grab a cloak from the back,” Aang said, still grinning. “It’s about to get really cold, really fast.”

Azula ran back to Appa and pulled out a long green cloak. She followed Aang into the tunnel, pulling it over herself. “I hate you so much,” she said as Aang closed the tunnel behind them, plunging them into darkness. 

“I could use a light,” he said in response.

There was a heavy sigh from behind him and a moment later the ice tunnel filled with orange light. 

“Thanks!” Aang said brightly, waterbending away the ice in front of them.

He’d snuck into the Southern Water Tribe enough times that he actually had a tunnel pre-built somewhere around here. He held up a hand for Azula to stop, and performed an earthbending move to jam his fingers into the ice, eyes closed. He could feel a vacancy a little to the right, and he pulled away the ice in that direction. Sure enough, the tunnel opened up into a wider, longer tunnel that led straight to the Southern Water Tribe, and ended directly under Sokka’s house.

“Why,” Azula said, sounding annoyed, “is there a tunnel already here?”

“Well, being the Avatar has some perks,” Aang said, walking down into the tunnel, followed by Azula, “and it also has some… less happy things. Like all the publicity. So if I want to visit Katara or Sokka without all the… hullabaloo… I use this tunnel. Katara made it.” Aang felt his heart warm as he thought about Katara. She was so thoughtful and such a good bender.

Azula was silent. Aang imagined that she understood, being royalty, the necessity of secret passages. 

“And how long is this tunnel?” she asked when they’d been walking for about four minutes.

“A kilometer and a half,” Aang said, ignoring the displeasure in her tone. “We’ll be there in like fifteen minutes.”

He was pretty sure he heard Azula swear under her breath, and he smiled quietly to himself. Not because she was so obviously chagrined-- not like some vindictive pleasure, but because her anger seemed to make her more… human. She was acting like an actual person. And he appreciated that.

It took them all of fifteen minutes to make it to the end of the tunnel. Aang paused under the trapdoor that led up to Katara’s house and motioned up to it for Azula. “So, here’s the deal,” he whispered. “No one should be home, but I’m not sure where exactly Hakoda is so we might run into him. We’re just making a quick pit stop for some changes of clothes and to look to see if the Dai Li left us any little gifts. But be really quiet and try to stay away from the front door, okay?”

“Are we staying the night?”

Aang shook his head. As much as he wanted to stay in the house, he knew it wasn’t a good idea. It would be too easy for them to be caught. Going to the house with Azula was in and of itself a huge risk, not only because it was Azula, but also because the Dai Li were probably keeping careful watch over the house and people’s comings and goings from it. And also he was hoping to not be seen by anyone from the Water Tribe and he wasn’t sure how often people visited the house. “Hopefully we’ll be back on Appa before nightfall.”

Azula gave him a determined nod. “In and out.”

He gave her a grim nod back, completely serious for once. “In and out,” he agreed, reaching up and pushing open the trapdoor. He hopped up through the trapdoor, using his airbending to give him a boost, and then leaned over and offered Azula a hand up. After a moment of suspicious hesitation, Azula gave her his hand and he pulled her up through the door. As Azula climbed to her feet again, Aang heard a flurry of movement and a couple chirps. He turned just in time to see Momo, right before the little lemur barreled into him, and he grinned. Momo climbed up his arm, around his neck and then sat, purring a little, on Aang’s right shoulder. “Hi, Momo!” Aang whispered, reaching up with his free arm to scratch Momo under the chin. He’d almost forgotten that he’d left Momo to watch over the house in his absence. “Did the Dai Li come at all? Did they leave anything?”

Momo gave him a little chirp and took off, leading Aang across the room. Aang obediently followed the lemur, feeling fairly certain that the little fuzzball was trying to lead him to something. Momo landed on a little cabinet near the front door and bounced up and down on it, pawing at its wooden surface.

“Oh, thank you, Momo,” Aang said, opening the cabinet to find a letter, neatly rolled up and tied with a string. “You’re the best lemur an Avatar could ask for.”

Momo chirped loudly, and flew around in circles over Aang’s head while Aang tried to quiet him, without avail. Finally giving up, Aang turned to the letter. He untied it and opened it carefully.

 

Avatar,

Meet us at Whaletail Island. We will wait five days. Don’t try any bending-- We have a hostage.

 

Cursing silently in his head, Aang handed the letter off to Azula, who had come up behind him. Five days from when? And who was the hostage? Surely not Katara, they wouldn’t be so thoughtless as to bring Katara to an island surrounded by water to a meeting with her boyfriend who happened to be the Avatar .  That would be stupid on so many levels. But the time the letter had come was so important, because he needed to know how much time he had to get to Whaletail island. And right now he was starting to panic. What if it had come the day after he left? Then he would already be too late. “When did this come, Momo?” he asked the lemur, not expecting an answer but needing one so desperately.

Momo chirped and flew around a couple more times.

“Two days ago,” Azula said with such certainty that Aang almost instantly believed her.

“Really?” he asked, looking over her shoulder at the letter again. “How can you tell?”

“The paper,” she said, sounding as though she was bored with his stupidity. “You can tell by the cracks in the paper.” She pointed out a couple shallow cracks in the letter, cracks which were so inconspicuous that Aang hadn’t noticed them at all. “They’re from the cold down here, but they aren’t deep enough and there aren’t enough of them to be more than a couple days old. I’d say two days, maybe-- maybe -- three.”

“Well,” Aang said, smiling gratefully at her, “I’m really glad you're here to tell me that.”

Azula rolled her eyes and handed the paper back to Aang. He reread it, frustrated yet again by the lack of information given. “It’s like they’re purposefully trying to keep me in the dark!” he whisper-yelled at Azula angrily. “How hard is it to give a precise location?”

Azula gave him her signature you can’t possibly be this stupid look. “That’s the point, you idiot,” she said (Aang pretended not to hear the derogatory word choice). “They want you in the dark so you don’t try anything.”

“Okay, okay,” he conceded, rolling up the letter again. “But they could at least give me something solid to go off of. I mean, a location isn’t much to work with.”

“Well, what do you want them to say?” Azula said, slipping into sarcasm. “‘Dear Avatar, please come to Whaletail Island unaccompanied. We have fifty Dai Li agents waiting to ambush you on arrival, and we’ll have a Kyoshi Warrior here so we can kill her in front of you if you try going into the Avatar State.’” Azula gave him another you’re a stupid kid look, and then walked off and started looking around Sokka’s house.

Aang might have been offended if he wasn’t so proud of Azula at this moment. She’d used sarcasm effectively . Improvement! That was an improvement right there!

But what she’d said, though, that was interesting. Azula knew the Dai Li better than anybody, except maybe Long Feng. She knew their ups and downs, ins and outs (which was the main reason Aang had brought her -- though he had yet to tell her). And because she knew all this about them, she was in a really good position to predict their movements. Which was a huge advantage for Aang, because it meant he wouldn’t be totally in the dark. He had someone with him who knew the Dai Li’s probable movements before they even made them. A tactical genius.

“So, Azula,” he said tentatively. “You don’t suppose they have all my friends on Whaletail Island?”

“No,” she said in her haughty tone. “Your waterbending friend would destroy them immediately if they were on an island.”

“Well, I’m a waterbender,” Aang said, feeling almost offended that the Dai Li would underestimate him so much. “Aren’t they afraid I’ll waterbend at them on the island too?”

Azula hummed in thought. “Well, probably,” she said after a moment. “But you could pretty much destroy them no matter where they decided to meet up. I’d guess they want you to make you feel powerless, even though you’re surrounded by things you could bend. They want to appear confident that you won’t be able to beat them. The idea is to intimidate you and force you to lose all hope of winning.”

“Great,” Aang said sarcastically, tucking the letter away and holding out his arm for Momo to land.

“It is great,” Azula said, sounding almost enthusiastic. “We can use their confidence against them.”

Aang gave her a confused look as Momo scampered up his arm and curled up around his head. “How?”

“Well, I’m not sure,” she said, frowning. “We’ll have to get the lay of the land before we can make a good plan.”

The lay of the land. Flying over on Appa was asking to get shot down, so they had to think of some way to get on the island and have a look around before confronting the Dai Li. Luckily for Aang, he and Katara had been sneaking around places for almost two years now. They had an abundance of disguises in this house, ones that would probably even fool the Dai Li. And unless Aang was remembering incorrectly, there was a village on Whaletail Island that they could hide out in for a few days. They could wait for the Dai Li to give up on the Avatar ever coming, and then follow the Dai Li back to their secret hideout or whatever, and then storm the place and get everyone out. It would be quiet and would have minimal fighting and minimal injuries. It also, Aang considered for a moment, would be extremely predictable. But whatever.

“Well, I have a plan,” Aang said, raising his hand.

“What is it,” Azula said, pronouncing it more like a statement than a question and frowning at him almost suspiciously.

Aang put his hand down. “We go there in disguise and then wait--”

Faster than he could even react to, Azula darted across the room and slammed a hand across his mouth, toppling him backwards to the ground. Momo dived off of Aang’s head, screeching in alarm. Aang’s eyes glared at Azula over the top of her hand. Her eyes were darting around the room as though reading it. She slowly took her hand away from his mouth and took a few steps back. He opened his mouth to scold her, but before he could, she whisper-yelled, “Shut up! The Dai Li are probably watching the house, remember?”

Aang nodded and closed his mouth again, eyes wide in understanding. She had thought of the same plan he did, but she didn’t want to disclose it currently because if the Dai Li found out their idea, it would be quickly ruined. Climbing back to his feet, he beckoned her over to the corner of the room where the closet with disguises was. He pulled it open and raised his eyebrows, gesturing to the many outfits inside. They were a good mixture of Fire Nation red and Earth Kingdom green. There were also a few yellow items (Katara had pretended to be an Airbender once-- long story) and a select few of Northern Water Tribe style clothing. A grin started across Azula’s face. 

“You’re probably the same size as Katara,” Aang whispered, pointing to the left side of the closet, where Katara’s disguises were. “And you could probably fit in Sokka’s Kyoshi Warrior uniform if you wanted.” He pointed at that.

“I can’t believe you have a closet full of clothes to use undercover,” Azula whispered, looking close to laughing again. She pulled out Katara’s old fire nation outfit and looked it up and down before returning it gently into the closet. Aang pulled out one of his many wigs (this one was a horrendous bright green-- he’d accidentally dyed it in an incident in a weaver’s house) and started putting it on while Azula was distracted.

“You never know when you might need a disguise,” he said when the wig was on, and gestured to his head.

Azula looked up and then snorted in amusement. Aang burst out laughing immediately, tears coming to his eyes as he tried to keep it quiet, abs burning with the effort of silence. Azula was laughing too, although yet again she was clearly trying to stop.

“Why do you even have that?” she gasped, reaching up to yank it off his head.

“I told you,” he giggled, batting her hand away and pulling the green wig off himself. “You never know when you--”

“Oh, shut up,” Azula whispered, managing at last to stop laughing and returning her gaze to Katara’s clothes.

Aang allowed himself a small moment of triumph for getting a second laugh from Azula and then pulled out a few of his old Earth Kingdom disguises and looked them over. “So, why don’t we do a mom-son thing--”

“No,” Azula said immediately, pulling out one of Katara’s nicer Earth Kingdom outfits. “You might be able to pull that off with the lower classes, but the Dai Li are elite. They’ll see right through it.”

“But Katara and I--”

“When you were younger and you still looked like you could pass for a four year old we could have done it,” Azula said dismissively. “The most we can hope for now is passing as siblings.”

Aang nodded. Siblings. They could both be orphans looking out for each other. This was something they could easily pull off. “Good enough,” he agreed, pulling out an acceptable green shirt and brown pants. He walked away from Azula as she continued going through Katara’s clothes and started stuffing his new outfit into the bag Sokka had gotten by the Beifong Estate.

The door opened and Aang’s head snapped up. He almost started crying in relief when he saw who it was. Hakoda was framed in the door, looking a little angrier than Aang would have liked, but Hakoda nonetheless. Not Long Feng. Not the Dai Li. Azula was all tensed up behind Aang, evidently very suspicious of the newcomer. Aang ran up to Hakoda and gave him a huge hug because one, he had never been so grateful to see anyone in his life (except Katara after Sozin’s comet), and two, he needed Azula to see that she shouldn’t start lightning bending at Hakoda’s head. 

“Chief Hakoda,” he breathed, using his free arm to reach around Hakoda and shut the door gently behind him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Azula shut the trapdoor with her foot. He grinned into Hadoda’s coat. Azula’s situational awareness was incredible.

“Aang, what’s going on?” Hakoda asked immediately, pulling away from Aang and gripping him by the shoulders, looking disapprovingly into his eyes. “Where are Katara and Sokka? I haven’t seen them for a week and they didn’t tell me they were leaving.”

Aang opened his mouth to give Hakoda an excuse (and it would have been a good one-- Toph was teaching the group how to lie without anyone noticing), but Hakoda stopped him before he could. “Don’t lie to me, Aang, I know something’s up.”

Sighing, Aang shut his mouth and led Hakoda away from the door, giving Azula a helpless look. She gave him a this is your fault look and he sighed again. 

When they were away from the door, Hakoda pulled a rolled up letter from his pocket and Aang felt his heart die inside of him.

“Avatar,” Hakoda read aloud, giving Aang a significant look. “That’s you, right?”

Aang sat helplessly down on Katara’s bed.

“Avatar,” Hakoda repeated, continuing on. “If you fail to comply with our conditions, as you are nearing doing by leaving the Southern Water Tribe, your friends will pay for your mistakes. We will be watching. Signed Long Feng and the Dai Li. I would assume,” Hakoda said, lifting his eyes from the letter to glare at Aang, “the friends mentioned are Katara and Sokka.”

Swearing silently in his head, Aang nodded miserably. “And the Kyoshi Warriors and Mai.”

“Spirits, Aang,” Hakoda said, crumpling up the letter in his fist. “What kind of a mess have you gotten yourself into this time?”

“A big one,” Aang muttered. 

“How big?” Hakoda insisted, sitting down next to Aang on the bed. “What are these conditions you almost violated? Where are my kids?”

“Really big, not telling anyone, and I don’t know,” Aang answered in order, sure Azula would be impressed by his factual responses.

“Who did you tell?”

Aang nodded at Azula who was frowning suspiciously at Hakoda from across the room. “Her.”

Azula straightened up and gave Hakoda the biggest fake smile Aang had ever seen. “Hi, I’m Jin. I’m one of the Kyoshi Warriors -- the only one to not have been taken, actually.” She held up Sokka’s uniform and Aang almost cried again in relief. Azula knew what she was doing when it came to lying and manipulating.

“Jin?” Hakoda said, frowning at her confusedly. Aang felt his heart plummet. Zuko had gone through another break-up with Mai and was now dating a girl named Jin. Which, of course, Azula didn’t know-- so this was just an unhappy coincidence. “Isn’t that who Zuko’s--”

“Different Jin,” Aang said hastily, bringing Hakoda’s attention back to him. “It’s a common name, you know?”

“What can I do to help you get Katara and Sokka back?” Hakoda asked, abruptly returning to the subject at hand.

“I don’t know -- nothing. The best thing you can do is stay out of it.” He shook his head. “They didn’t say anything about you specifically, but it was implied that telling anyone who had a chance against them was asking to get Katara and Sokka killed.”

“But you told her,” Hakoda said, thrusting his chin out at Azula, who gave him a smug look.

“Yeah, I did. But they won’t have expected that.”

Azula gave a sarcastic laugh from the other side of the room. “That’s an understatement,” she said shortly.

“So, what,” Hakoda said, looking helpless and desperate. “I’m just supposed to sit here and wait for you to bring them back to me? Those are my kids, Aang! I’m not going to sit by and watch while the Dai Li do who knows what to--”

“I know, I know, I know!” Aang said, standing up in frustration. “But you can’t get involved or everything’s going to get all messed up! Look, I know what I’m doing, okay? You’re just going to have to trust me.”

Hakoda buried his face in his hands and thought for a moment. Finally, his head emerged from behind his hands and he stood up to face Aang. “I will trust you with this because you’re the Avatar, and I think you might have a better chance than anyone to get them back out,” he said decisively. “But, Aang, you have a week. One week, and then I’m getting involved.”

Aang gave him a grim nod. “One week. Thank you, Hakoda.”

He turned away, checking to see that Azula had finished grabbing the clothes she needed. As he turned, though, Hakoda caught his wrist. Aang looked back to see an expression of desperation in Hakoda’s eyes. “Bring them back to me Aang,” he pleaded. “Whatever it takes.”

Aang turned around more fully, facing Hakoda and looking levelly into his eyes. “I will,” he said, voice low and dangerous. “I will do whatever it takes to bring them back. And if I fail…” Aang’s expression darkened, hardened into something foreign, showing a side of him he didn’t usually let people see, the side of him that was ruthless and terrifying. “If I fail, I will spend every day of the rest of my life hunting down every last Dai Li agent until I have personally wiped the light out of their eyes.” He held Hakoda’s gaze for a full ten seconds. Hakoda gave him a grim nod and Aang turned away again. Azula was looking at him, completely shocked. Aang couldn’t blame her. He didn’t usually say things like that. But he had said it, and he had meant it. He would have said it again. It was true.

That was the scary part. It was true.

Notes:

Do I ship Jinko?
Yes.
But not because I have anything against Maiko, I just think Jin and Zuko are really cute.

Chapter 6: Aang Finds a Friend

Notes:

For those who do not use the metric system-- one meter is about 3 feet.
tw// discussions of loss, mentions of past abuse, past loneliness, implied nearly drowning, multiple people get knocked unconscious, minor injuries, minor violence, mentioned/implied major burns, claustrophobic space, panic attack
Heads up, the next update might come out a little slower because I haven't started writing it yet. The next chapter is kind of sad so... yeah... so I've been putting it off in favor of writing all the other chapters. I'm going to try to have it done by next Sunday but we'll see. But then after that the chapters should be rapid fire because they're all almost done! I'm really excited about where this is going.

Chapter Text

With Hakoda now well-informed of the situation, Aang led Azula back through the tunnels. They were both silent the entire way back, and the silence continued well into the night, neither of them saying anything as they climbed back on Appa and fell asleep, Aang purposefully waking himself up every couple hours to check that Azula was okay. In the morning, before the sun had even fully risen, he was fully awake and watching for Whaletail Island. It had to be coming up soon, Aang knew that, and so he was watching and waiting, steeling himself for the events to come. As he was starting to slip into another dark imaginative spiral about Katara, Azula poked her head over the front of the saddle.

“It’s not Long Feng,” she said abruptly, breaking their long silence. It took Aang a moment to register what she was talking about.

He looked up at her, blinking tiredly. “But it’s signed--”

“Never mind how it’s signed,” Azula said, waving her hand in annoyance, as though trying to brush away Aang’s protests. “It’s not him.” She shook her head, dropping into deep thought. “I was thinking about the Dai Li and Long Feng, because it was surprising to me that the Dai Li would let Long Feng be back in charge, especially after I humiliated him in Ba Sing Se,” she said, with a tone that implied she didn’t think of Long Feng’s shaming as that big of a deal. “Plus, he’s a top priority prisoner at this point. Did you even think to check with the Earth King before you left?” she asked sharply.

Aang shook his head. He hadn’t trusted himself enough to talk to anyone at the time, let alone the Earth King. Without being sure of which of his steps were being tracked, he’d felt that it would be too dangerous to go seeking for details.

To his surprise, Azula just nodded knowingly, dropping her condescension. “I figured you wouldn’t have.” She shoved the two notes in front of Aang's face. “Look,” she said, pointing at the notes. “Long Feng is, first and foremost, a politician. And arguably the most important part of politics is being able to speak and write well.” Azula jabbed her finger almost accusatorily into the words. “This isn’t a politician's handwriting, and it certainly isn’t the speech pattern of any self-respecting dictator.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Aang twisted around to get a better look at Azula. “Okay, so it isn’t Long Feng. Why does that matter?”

“Why does it matter?” Azula repeated, eyebrows lifting up in surprise. “It matters because it means the Dai Li are significantly less of a threat at the current moment.” She swatted the back of his head with her free hand. “So you can stop worrying so much.” With that, she disappeared into the saddle again.

Aang stared at the empty air Auzla had just occupied in shock. Had she seriously… done all that… just to make him feel better? He started to tear up and dragged his arm across his eyes with a small sniffle. She’d come so far! She actually cared about his--

“Are you seriously crying ?” she screeched, head suddenly appearing over the saddle again. “I just told you to stop moping around!”

“Uh-- sorry?” he said as she retreated again. Releasing a breathy laugh, he buried his face into Appa’s fur. No matter how harsh Azula’s phrasing was, she had actually managed to calm him down a bit. Some of the tension in his shoulders released and he sighed, relaxing into Appa’s head. They were going to be fine. Azula was right, he didn’t need to get overly stressed out over this part of the mission. This was arguably the easiest part. He could save his worrying for later.

Emerging from Appa’s fur, he stuck his head up to look at Azula. She was huddled up at the back of the saddle as usual, looking annoyed. She caught sight of Aang and her scowl deepened. Aang gave her a bright smile. “Thanks!” he said, before ducking down out of sight again. Just before he lost sight of her, he saw her expression soften just a bit. Smiling to himself, Aang settled himself between Appa’s horns and waited for the island to come into view.

He didn’t have to wait long.

As the island’s distinct shape slowly became visible against the horizon, Azula climbed over the front of Appa’s saddle and stepped lightly across his head to Aang. Appa gave a displeased-sounding grunt, but didn’t protest otherwise, so Aang moved over to make room. Azula stayed standing, glaring out over the island. 

“Can this thing swim?” she asked bluntly after a moment.

Aang nodded. “Yes, Appa swims.”

She was silent for another minute. “We need to figure out how to get onto the island without getting seen,” she explained, frowning slightly. “I’d assume they have scouts looking for this--” she cut herself off, struggling with words. “Appa,” she finished after a short pause. “They’re looking for Appa.”

Nodding appreciatively at her use of Appa's name, Aang said, “Okay, let’s go past the island and land on the next one over. Then you and I can swim back.”

After considering for a bit, Azula nodded. She stood looking over the horizon while Aang changed Appa’s course slightly, and then she turned to go back to the saddle.

“You can stay up here, if you want,” Aang told her.

She stopped, looking at Aang, and then the saddle, and then Aang again. Then, very hesitantly, she sat down on Appa’s head by Aang, pressing her back into one of Appa’s horns to distance herself.

Some time passed in silence as Appa flew around the island. Aang glanced at Azula. He had something he wanted to ask, but he was worried, worried that she might freeze up, worried that she might slip back down her hill of progress, worried that one question could mess everything up. Finally, he let his interest get the better of him, deciding to trust in Azula’s capability to hold herself together.

“Azula…” he said slowly.

She looked over at him, expression fighting between curiosity and suspicion. 

“Earlier, you said something about Lu Ten?” Aang sighed, shaking his head a little as he tried to figure out how best to phrase this. “I was just wondering… about that. If you could tell me about it.”

Azula, who had tensed up significantly at Lu Ten’s name, took a shaky breath and released it slowly. Aang watched as the tension flooded out of her body and smiled a little. She was learning so fast.

“Lu Ten,” Azula began, looking shaky still, but not like she was about to shut down, "was always… really nice. To me.” She shook her head a little, taking another breath.

Worried, Aang leaned towards her. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t--”

Azula shot an angry look at him and he cut himself off, blushing fiercely. Apparently she did want to keep talking, or maybe she just didn’t want him telling her what she could and couldn’t do. As soon as he fell silent, her scowl dropped and she returned to looking sadly out over the water.

“Not very many people were actually nice to me, I guess,” she said slowly. “They were all very polite, of course, but that was more out of fear than actual care, and, anyway, as soon as I was out of earshot they’d say how they really felt, which usually was…” she paused, searching for the word she wanted. Aang could guess it was probably “hurtful” but out of respect for her need to find the word for herself, he stayed quiet and let her think. “... not particularly kind,” she said haltingly after a minute. Shaking her head, she moved on. “That left my family, and with Zuko and M-mother being so close, I was left out a lot. Father liked me, but he never spent any time with me and Uncle…” Azula frowned. “Uncle and I never got along. So Lu Ten was really all I had left. And it wasn’t really a big deal with him, I mean…” Her eyebrows furrowed together as she tried to figure out her words. “With him, I never really had to think about whether or not he liked me. It just felt like he did. So, we used to spend a lot of time together. But then,” her expression darkened considerably, “he joined the war.” She sighed. “He  didn’t even really want to go, but with Uncle there and all the other Firebenders around us going, I guess he felt obligated. He would send us letters sometimes, and they were nice. I saved them all, but they’re gone now. And then… he died.” Her voice cracked on the last word and she scowled, swallowing hard. “And I suppose for me being a kid it was hard to wrap my mind around him just dying like that. It felt like he left me. Part of me was angry with him for leaving, but mostly I was mad at Uncle for just giving up like that. What would it have taken for him to keep fighting and avenge Lu Ten’s death by conquering Ba Sing Se?” She shook her head, shaking a little.

“Was that why you were so motivated to get control over Ba Sing Se yourself?” Aang asked curiously. He’d never really considered Azula’s motivations in the war, just assumed she was doing it for her father or the Fire Nation.

Glaring at him, she nodded. “Part of it, yes.” She looked on guard, as if expecting him to judge her or mock her for having real, genuine feelings. 

Instead, he gave her a warm smile. “That all makes sense,” he said empathetically. “And do you still… think about him?”

If Azula looked tense before, that was nothing to how she looked now. Her walls had shot straight back up, blocking Aang from access to her mind or feelings. He blinked in surprise and then relaxed. He probably should have expected this, with the personal quality of the question, even more personal than the other ones now, because it was closer to the present.

Azula gave him a very tight nod. “Sometimes,” she answered in a low, wary voice.

Aang paused, trying to remember how Guru Pathik had handled this particular chakra. There was a fine line between being encouraging and being preachy, and Aang knew he was already dangerously close to crossing that line. Trying to figure out how to respond to this was like battling against a tide.

“But then…” Azula started again as Aang opened his mouth to speak. “I remember that Lu Ten… that he wouldn’t want me to be upset,” she said slowly. “And also that the…” She hesitated for a moment. “The love, I guess, that I felt for him can come back in other ways. And… in other people.”

Impressed by how much she was opening up, Aang nodded. “Losing him makes room in your heart for loving others?” he said, trying to clarify that that was what she meant.

“Right,” Azula said. It did seem as though it was taking a huge amount of effort for her to keep talking, but she was doing it, and Aang deeply appreciated her attempt. She was opening the fourth chakra on her own. 

“That’s why… losing my mom was so hard,” she forced out through gritted teeth.

Aang had to physically force himself to keep from tensing up. Azula didn’t talk about her mother often, and when she did it wasn’t in this rational tone. Discussing her mother was hard for her, and Aang wanted to protect her, to get her to breathe and forget, but that’s not how this worked. People didn’t just forget their trauma, they held onto it until it was such an ingrained part of their being that they wouldn’t be the same without it. So Aang held still, and let Azula talk.

“I didn’t really need her before Lu Ten left,” Azula said, looking at her hands. “I wanted her to be there for me, but I had him, so it was okay without her. But then, I didn’t have him anymore. And I was really alone. I played with Ty Lee and Mai, but they always seemed to only want to be around me because I was smart and they had to anyway because their parents were trying to cozy up to the Firelord.”

Aang could understand. Azula had lost Lu Ten, and then she hadn’t had any other friends to fall back on. She had been completely alone, and anyone that could have been her support system felt fake. And then her mother…

“Then when my mother left, there was nothing else. I always felt like I had a chance with her, like if I tried just a little harder she might like me more than Zuko. And then she left and she didn’t even say goodbye,” Azula’s chin was wobbling a little bit and Aang watched her make a concerted effort to still it. “So, I cut it out.”

“Cut what out?”

“Love,” Azula said, lifting a shoulder as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I couldn’t love Lu Ten, I couldn’t love Ty Lee, and I couldn’t love Mother. So that was it, then.” She sighed. “Love only ends up hurting you in the end.”

Aang thought about that for a long time, and was still thinking about it as Appa landed on a nearby island. He changed into his green clothes, and Azula tied back her hair in Earth Kingdom style. Aang stood on the bank of the island, looking at the island poking out of the horizon. Finally, he spoke. “I don’t think love only ends up hurting you in the end,” he said softly.

Azula gave him a sharp look at the emphasis.

“I mean…” Aang said slowly, giving her a small smile. “It does hurt, a lot. But also…” He sighed, thinking about Katara, and Gyatso, and Appa. “It gives you a reason to keep living. It makes you brave.”

Azula thought about that for a full minute and then suddenly Aang felt her fourth chakra open. It opened like a flood, emotions spinning out of control. Aang hadn’t been able to actually physically feel the other ones open, but he could feel this , this admission to love and loss. He turned and looked at Azula, who was looking out over the water, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

“Okay,” she said, voice choked up.

Aang looked away again as Azula reached up and wiped the tear away.

He’d loved and he’d lost before. He knew what it felt like. And he also knew that he wouldn’t be the same person he was now if he hadn’t lost those people, if he hadn’t gotten to know them and care about them, and learn with them. Aang would break his heart for love over and over again, because without it he couldn’t grow, and he couldn't be compassionate or determined to give his heart to everyone he could. Looking at Azula, he could only hope that she could learn to love and lose freely, because he knew that only through happiness and pain can one grow.

“How are you planning on getting over the water?” Azula asked him, voice back to its usual impassivity. Aang didn’t know how she did that, turned emotion on and off. He sighed a little, looking over the water.

“Well, I am a master Waterbender,” he said flatly.

Azula smirked.

 

An hour and a half later, she was not smirking anymore.

Aang had made a little bubble of air and was walking them across the bottom of the ocean. They’d been walking underwater for a full hour, only stopping every once in a while so Aang could refill their air supply, and Azula did not look happy.

“This is a terrible plan,” she told him bluntly.

“It’s not a plan, it’s just a way to get on the island,” Aang pointed out, trying to push against a water current.

“It’s still terrible.”

Aang sighed. “We’re almost there.”

“We’re going to drown,” she said, poking a finger through the water bubble at some fish, which all swam away. 

Aang batted her hand away from the walls of water. “Well, yeah we are, if you keep doing that.”

They were almost there anyway, he reminded himself. The ocean floor had started to slope up again and they didn’t have much further to go. Maybe five minutes. Swimming would take half as long, but he wasn’t really completely sure that Azula even could swim, and he didn’t want to ask. If he asked and it turned out she couldn’t, she might completely shut down. And if he asked and she could , she’d probably get offended that he even had to ask.

Sighing a little, Azula returned the conversation to the bigger problem at hand. “So what’s the plan when we get--”

She got cut off as a huge rock came hurtling in out of nowhere and hit Aang square in the chest, blowing him into the wall of water. He heard a muffled shriek of “Aang!” and then the world went black.

 

Aang regained consciousness to find Azula kneeling over him, preparing to firebend at him and kill him, just like she had before, just like she always did. Panic washed over him and forced him into an immediate and effective knee-jerk reaction. His arm came up and hit her squarely in the solar plexus, making a solid sound on impact. Gasping in pain and surprise, she fell backwards, arms wrapped around her stomach as she tried to catch her breath. 

Almost immediately Aang realized what was going on. She hadn’t been trying to firebend at him, she’d been trying to help him awake. And instead of seeing this for the thoughtful thing it was, Aang had seen it as a threat. Somehow, his mind had transported him back to Ba Sing Se, waking up with Azula about to blast his face off on the drill. And then he’d punched her. His eyes widened as he realized that. He’d punched her.

“Oh, spirits, I am so sorry,” he said, sitting up too fast and nearly passing out again. The only way he prevented this was by flopping backwards on the rocky ground again and squeezing his eyes shut as the world tilted around him.

“You’re afraid of me!” she gasped. She said it more like a revelation than something she was hurt by. “I thought-- but I don’t know why…”

“No, no,” Aang protested weakly, coming out of his dizzy spell and struggling up again. “I don’t-- I’m not afraid of you… anymore.” He winced and decided to stop trying to address that subject. It was lying, anyway. He was afraid of her. It was hard not to be, seeing how she’d killed him, and seeing that she was the only person he knew of to successfully kill the Avatar while the Avatar was in the Avatar State, which was supposed to be nearly impossible, and seeing that she’d tried to kill him many times other than that one time she’d actually succeeded, and seeing that… well, the list went on, but, needless to say, he still held some remnants of his old fear. Of course now, most of the old fear had been replaced with care and compassion, but there were still some traces of it, traces that must have come loose when he’d been knocked out. So that he’d punched her. Oh, spirits, he’d punched her. “I’m so, so sorry,” he said again, really feeling quite badly about it. “I didn’t mean to hit you. Are you okay?”

He reached out a hand towards her extremely wet figure, eyebrows twisted up in concern, not sure what she needed, but more than willing to give whatever it was to her. She shoved his hand away. “You are afraid of me,” she said again, now looking more calculating and thoughtful than she had before.

If Aang had ever been closer to hitting himself in the forehead than he was in this moment, he couldn’t remember it. He might have just messed everything up. Good for him. “No,” he tried again. “I’m not afraid of you, I just panicked. I thought…” Maybe honesty was the best option here. “I thought we were on the drill again, you remember, when you knocked me out… and then you… and…” he trailed off, struggling with words for a second. He didn’t know how best to get himself out of the mess he’d just made for himself. “And I… panicked. I’m really sorry.” 

He looked around, trying to get his bearings. Both he and Azula were soaking wet, and they appeared to be in a sort of small cave. He could see the beach outside but they were well tucked away, and the chances of anyone finding them in here were relatively slim. “How long was I out?” he asked Azula, who was watching him analytically. 

“Fifteen minutes, about,” she answered. “You almost drowned, but I pulled you out of the water and swam to shore. This cave looked safe enough.”

“Thank you,” Aang said, trying to open his heart against the coldness in her voice. She didn’t respond to it, just shrugged. “So, I take it we just got attacked by the Dai Li?” he asked, pulling the water off his clothes and using it to heal the quickly bruising spot on his chest.

“They must have a Waterbender with them,” Azula said, by way of answer. “Otherwise there’s no way they would have known we were under there.”

Aang wasn’t sure about that. Toph could sense vibrations, after all, and it wouldn't take much for the Dai Li to just hunker down under the ocean and wait for the sound of them coming. But then again, Katara was a master Waterbender, and it might take more than a bunch of Earthbenders, even extremely skilled ones, to kidnap her. So maybe Azula was right, and the Dai Li were teaming up with other types of benders.

“Weird that they’re branching out,” Aang said.

Azula shrugged again. “They don’t have any other options. Your waterbending friend is too talented for them to just take without help.”

Aang suddenly felt some vibrations under the rock. With a sharp intake of breath, he grabbed Azula’s arm and pulled her back against the far wall, hiding them both in the shadows. He made it just in time, as five silent Dai Li agents emerged from the far wall. It appeared that they all had a hidden tunnel leading down into the island, which they were concealing with a combination of masterful earthbending and stealth. It had been pure coincidence that Azula and Aang had found this place, otherwise the Dai Li would have been well hidden and probably would have ended up beating Aang. The Dai Li agents bent the earth up behind them to hide the tunnel again, and walked off, probably to stand guard for Aang’s arrival.

Shooting a glance at Azula, he found her expressionless as usual, although a tiny hint of anticipation was now showing in her eyes. There was a good chance that the Dai Li were holding one of the Kyoshi Warriors down that tunnel.

“Do you think they’re keeping the…” Aang trailed off, trying to figure out phrasing. Hostage sounded dramatic, but that is what he was talking about. 

Luckily, Azula didn’t need him to finish. “Definitely. We can get a lot of information from down there too.”

Aang quirked up an eyebrow. “Information like what?”

“Like where they’re holding everyone else,” Azula said, watching the door with sharp eyes. “Can you bend the door down?”

“Just give me a second.” Aang crouched down on his hands and knees and shoved his hands into the rock floor below them, feeling for other vibrations. He could feel a large vacancy behind the wall over there, much larger than he would have expected, with a maze of criss-crossing tunnels underneath it. It wasn’t exactly full of people, but there were enough footsteps to make Aang anxious. “That’s a lot of Dai Li,” he murmured, eyes closed.

Azula sighed. “Obviously. They would have to come prepared if they wanted to beat you.”

Aang zoned her out as she started saying something else, something about how the Dai Li weren’t stupid enough to think Aang was just going to come willingly. He was feeling for the pulse of a Kyoshi Warrior, and that needed a lot of focus. Azula fell silent as she realized he wasn’t paying attention. Finally, Aang felt a familiar heartbeat. A moment later, the person moved their feet and Aang sighed in relief as he recognized Suki’s gentle, quiet footsteps. “Found her,” he breathed, eyes opening again. “Suki's about two floors down. I count about ten people we’ll have to pass to get to her, and that’s not counting the people in the rooms off the hallways.”

Nodding, Azula got quietly to her feet. “We’ll have to plan it as we go, then.”

Aang stood up with her and walked to the door. He hadn’t felt anyone for a good hundred meters, so he figured it was pretty safe to just walk in. Bending the wall down carefully, he led Azula in and then closed up the hole behind him.

“So, directionally speaking I’m not the best,” he whispered to Azula as they treaded carefully down the dark hallway. “If I jam my fingers in the wall I can figure it out, but I can’t really do that if we’re running for our lives, so--”

Azula nodded. “I’ll pay attention.”

He threw her a relieved look, suddenly very glad he’d decided to get her for this mission.

They made their way down the hallway slowly, pausing every once in a while so Aang could use the rock to feel for people coming. Through a combination of some serious luck and Aang’s ability to hide them both just before anyone came up, they made it a decent way, almost three quarters of the way to Suki, when a Dai Li agent spotted them.

Aang had actually been about to stick his fingers in the wall, and the Dai Li agent caught both him and Azula off guard. A rock cube came flying down the hallway at them both, Aang just barely managing to react in time to slice it in half, both sides falling harmlessly to the side. Of course, Azula’s firebending skill, even if it was dampened, was nothing to laugh at, and the Dai Li agent was fully unconscious in a matter of seconds. 

As they started off again, Aang was getting increasingly worried about Azula. She’d just completely fried someone, probably giving them some serious burns, without even blinking. It was starting to feel like her old unstable self was resurfacing, and that was the last thing Aang needed right now. He was considering benching her when two more Dai Li agents came around the corner.

Purposefully stepping directly in front of Azula to stop her from being violent, Aang sent a gust of wind down the hallway. The Dai Li agents got caught in it and both of them flew down the hallway and slammed into the wall. Neither of them were moving.

“Did you just kill them?” Azula asked, sounding intrigued. 

Aang shook his head. He could feel their heartbeats through the ground, they were both fine. Probably going into shock, but fine. Casting her a wary glance, he led her down the hallway, wishing he’d thought to bring some water down here. Air was fine for throwing people away and running, but it was hard to control. Aang didn’t trust his firebending skills enough to use that without hurting anyone, and Earth was going to be pretty much useless against the Dai Li. Water would be the best element to use here, and he’d stupidly left it all up in the cave.

“Azula,” he whispered the next time they paused to listen for people. “Can I borrow the water off your clothes?”

She was still dripping wet, something Aang had completely forgotten about until this moment, when he was starting to need water desperately.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, “Just take it, I don’t want it back.”

“R-right, sorry,” Aang said hesitantly, pulling the water off her and holding it in a bubble right in front of him. Another Dai Li agent came sprinting down the hall to their left and Aang whipped the water out, knocking the agent out. “We’re almost there,” Aang said, stepping around the agent’s body. 

They made it to Suki’s door uninterrupted, and Aang managed to wipe out all four of the Dai Li agents standing outside of it with his earthbending before they even had a full grasp of what was going on.

He forced his way through the wall, giving up trying to figure out how to open the door. Suki was just sitting in a corner of the room, looking bored and fully aware of how stuck she was. She looked up in surprise at his entrance, scrambling to her feet.

“Hi,” Aang said breathlessly.

“You are an idiot,” she said with some force, before running forward and giving him the biggest hug he’d yet gotten from her. “And thank you,” she whispered.

“Don’t thank me yet,” he said gravely. She nodded, seeming to understand what he meant. They weren’t in the clear yet. They did still have to get back out after all, and, unbeknownst to Suki, they’d have to fully rely on Azula for that. “Do you know where the Dai Li are keeping everyone else?”

Suki’s eyes widened and she nodded. “The Great Divide, actually,” she told him. “I’ve been eavesdropping and it sounds like along with the other Kyoshi Warriors, they have Sokka and Katara, and Katara is really not in good shape, last I heard.”

Aang swallowed uncomfortably, trying to pretend like that last fact didn’t bother him. “We can handle that.” He looked over his shoulder at Azula, who was standing outside the hole he’d just made in the wall. Feeling Suki stiffen next to him, Aang turned back around, waving his hands in front of him defensively. “Oh, sorry, I should have warned you. Azula’s helping us out with this.”

“Hello,” Azula said warily from the entrance. 

Suki gave her a tense nod.

“Also, I think someone’s coming,” Azula said, shifting her cold gaze away from Suki to meet Aang's eyes.

Aang poked one of his fingers into the wall, getting ready to pull it out again at a second’s notice. Sure enough, he could feel the light footsteps of many, many Dai Li agents coming to attack. “Yep, time to go,” he said, ripping his finger out of the wall. “Are you okay to run?” he asked Suki, doing a quick scan for injuries.

“I’ll be fine,” she said, setting her mouth in a determined line. “You didn’t happen to bring extra fans, did you?”

He gave her an apologetic look, starting out the door. “Sorry.”

She just shook her head, taking off in a run with them. 

All three of them sprinted down the hallways, Aang closing empty hallways with his bending as they passed, trying to limit the speed at which people could follow them. Azula was in front, weaving effortlessly through the hallways as though she knew the way perfectly. It wasn’t all that surprising to Aang. Azula was one of the most directionally talented people he knew.

“Lots of people coming from straight ahead,” Azula muttered, stopping abruptly. 

Without the slightest hesitation, Aang turned and bent a new hallway a few meters long into the wall, pulling Azula and Suki in with him. As soon as everyone was in, he bent it closed, so they were standing in an earthen box with pretty much no way out.

He could hear Azula starting to panic in the dark and grabbed her hand. “Azula, I can’t light a fire right now or we’ll run out of oxygen. Just hold on, okay?” He took his free hand and stuck it into the wall. There were a bunch of Dai Li agents right outside, and Azula was on the verge of a panic attack. 

She took a few gasping breaths. “Get me out of here,” she hissed, hand shaking hard in his.

“Just a minute,” Aang said desperately. “Please just hold on one minue.”

“Azula--” Suki tried, but Azula wasn’t having it.

“Not you,” she snarled in the dark, and Aang could imagine her expression wasn’t pretty.

“Azula, talk to me, okay?” Aang said, trying to keep his voice soothing.

Her voice bit through the air in response. “Absolutely not.”

This was… this was not good, Aang realized. Azula was starting to completely shut down, and the Dai Li were taking their sweet time to regroup right outside. They needed a way out of here, and they needed it fast. “Azula,” he said, starting to feel for where the ocean was. Soon enough he found it, it’s rhythmic vibrations washing over his hand. “I’m going to make this tunnel longer and we’re going to run for the ocean, okay?”

“Fine,” she snarled.

Aang pulled his hand out of the rock and slammed it towards the back wall of the hallway, grimacing as he felt the rush of air that meant the rock was moving. After a few seconds, they all could see a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel, and cool air started rushing in. Azula breathed a sigh of relief, and they all started heading toward it, Aang blocking the path behind them.

They made it out without a problem, and Aang, abandoning all semblance of stealth, grabbed Azula and Suki by the back of their shirts and jumped into the ocean. Making a raft of ice underneath them, he used his waterbending to send them flying away from the Dai Li base, skimming lightly over the waves. 

They made it to the other shore without a hitch and all of them climbed up on Appa immediately, making their way for the Great Divide.

Chapter 7: Azula Alone

Notes:

Okay. Hi again, sorry this chapter is late, it was just… so hard to write. I’m still not entirely sure that I did my headcanon justice, but well. Here it is.
Some things you should know! I did this chapter in sort of snap-shot like scenes because it was too hard for me to write out extended thought processes for Azula. I’m just warning you because the writing style is different here than the other chapters. It’s a little bit less flowy than the other chapters, but it got my point across better so I’m sticking with it.
One kilometer is about 6/10 of a mile.
Tw for self-esteem issues, trust issues, betrayal, violence, some injuries including severe dehydration, implied/mentioned torture, parental manipulation, verbal abuse, hallucination, attempted self harm, um. I think that’s it?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Azula was having a bit of a crisis.

Aang was afraid of her. Aang. Afraid. Of her.

She should have seen this coming, in hindsight. She’d known that trust was for fools, and yet she’d still let herself get wrapped around the boy’s little finger. She had known that feeling safe around someone was just asking to get hurt.

That didn’t make it hurt any less.

She’d trusted the Airbender. What kind of a fool was she? Sure, he’d made her mom go away a few times, but that was just to further his own plans, not to actually help her . No one in their right mind wanted to help Azula unless there was something in it for them too. And of course the Airbender wanted her mom out of her head, because he needed her to be able to help out and she wasn’t going to be able to do that unless she felt safe, and she definitely didn’t feel safe around her mother. The Airbender was just using her as a tool to get to his goals, and Azula was so tired of people doing that to her.

She’d trusted the Avatar . And she wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

 

She returned to the far corner of the saddle as soon as they got onto Appa. The girl Aang had just saved, whatever her name was, was up at the front of the saddle, facing Azula and watching her with narrowed eyes. Of course she was watching Azula suspiciously. Azula had probably taken something from her, or destroyed her village or something. That’s all Azula was good for, anyway. Being a person who took and took and took from people. She couldn’t remember exactly what she’d done to this girl specifically, but it was probably something that hurt and broke trust that was never even there in the first place. Then again, Azula didn’t really care what she’d done. The girl clearly hated her, so why in the world would she try to fix something that was already destroyed?

The Avatar kept glancing worriedly into the back of the saddle, at the girl, at Azula, at the girl again. Then the worry was replaced with pity as he looked at Azula which she just couldn’t stand . She glared at him and he winced, turning back to the front.

Her glare had hurt him. Good.

 

They landed about two kilometers away from the Great Divide. Azula was close to telling the Avatar that it would be better to put Appa further away to avoid detection for as long as possible, but then she realized that he probably wouldn’t believe her anyway, since he so clearly thought she was going to betray him.

The Avatar and the girl, who was looking more and more familiar as Azula continued watching her, though she couldn't place from where exactly, were talking quietly to themselves by Appa’s head. Azula slipped out of the saddle and walked a few paces away, glaring at them. Neither of them trusted her. She hadn’t even done anything wrong on this mission, and it still wasn’t good enough.

Her head turned toward the Great Divide. If the Dai Li were really in there, they’d trust her. They already thought she was a good enough leader for them. Honestly, besides the Dai Li, Azula couldn’t think of anyone in the world who would actually want her around. Ty Lee didn’t really want her around. This girl they’d just saved clearly didn’t. The Avatar only wanted her around for his own benefit, which didn’t count. The Dai Li were more accepting than any of them.

Plus, there was most likely a power gap right now with Long Feng gone. It wouldn’t be difficult at all for the ex-princess of the Fire Nation to just slip into that gap, especially if she had the Avatar as a bargaining chip.

And if the Avatar already expected her to betray them, then she didn’t have to worry about his disappointment. People weren’t ever disappointed about things they were expecting. 

So, while the Avatar and the girl started planning how to break into the Great Divide, Azula started planning how to trap them inside. 

 

Azula shifted her weight from foot to foot over the Dai Li’s entrance to the Great Divide. She had kind of a shaky plan in mind, but it relied a lot on the Dai Li’s willingness to listen, and also on the Avatar’s trust in Azula staying at least partially intact. She knew she still had some of his trust, because he had asked for her advice on breaking in (advice which she was happy to twist in her favor), so she just needed to maintain that for a little while longer.

The girl he brought with him-- Suki, her name was, and Azula could remember the way she’d broken out of the Boiling Rock because it was one of the most impressive escapes she’d ever witnessed-- still didn’t seem to trust Azula at all, but that was fine. It wasn’t going to inhibit Azula’s capability to manipulate both of them.

She’d gotten the Avatar to think that going in alone with Azula for recon before they decided to go full blast was the best option, so they left Suki outside as they dropped into an extensive tunnel system that could only have been made by the Dai Li.

The tunnels were long and dark, and Azula was actually really glad she had the Avatar with her for this part because otherwise she would have no idea where they were going.

“So,” she hissed when they were deep enough that she felt hissed, “where are the most agents?”

The Avatar frowned, jabbing his fingers into the rock. “Um, the most of them are two hallways over that way,” he whispered, waving his free hand vaguely to their left. “So we should--”

He didn’t get to finish that statement, because Azula hit him really hard on the back of the neck and he slumped to the floor, knocked out.

She hated herself for the strange urge she got to apologize to his unconscious body.

Instead, she grabbed him by the back of his shirt and started dragging him through the hallways, directly to where the most people were, forcing herself not to think about how much she really hated dragging the Avatar on the ground. There was a little voice in her head telling her to pick him up and run away.

She chose to shut that voice out, but it was still there.

When she reached the room with all the Dai Li agents, they stared at her in shock and, for some, recognition. It did look like they had a waterbender with them, but she didn’t look that impressive to Azula, and she was wearing a Dai Li uniform, but in blue. Azula felt it safe to assume that the waterbender had just wanted a taste of the Dai Li’s power, and so had convinced them to let her join them. Impressive, but inconsequential to Azula at the moment.

She dropped the Avatar on the ground, trying to hold back an involuntary wince as his head hit the ground. Seriously, why was she feeling so compassionate toward him right now? She didn’t care! He didn’t care about her, so she didn’t care about him. That’s how that worked. Right?

Shutting out the annoying ‘you should be a good person’ voice again, she shifted her weight to one hip and crossed her arm. “I got you the Avatar, and I want in on this operation. The Kyoshi Warrior is just above ground.” She considered telling them about Appa, but decided against it, because she didn’t think there was much he could do from where he was, and they were bound to find him on their own eventually anyway. “Who’s in charge here?” 

One of the Dai Li agents, one who Azula vaguely recognized from Ba Sing Se, raised his hand, frowning. “I am, but you can take the lead, Princess.”

Not a princess.

Azula forced a smile.

This shouldn’t have felt so painful. Everything about this felt wrong and it shouldn’t . She’d done a lot of things like this before. This was normal, this was who she was . So why did her body feel like she’d just ingested something poisonous? 

Some of the Dai Li agents ran out of the room at a nod from their previous commander, and the Avatar was taken by others. Azula couldn’t help but want to know where he was going. Forcing herself to calm down, she met eyes with the previous commander. “That went smoothly,” she said, smirking. “I think I’ll keep you around.”

It felt wrong. It all felt wrong.

 

Azula took a few minutes to get the lay of the land, refamiliarizing herself with the Dai Li hierarchy. When she thought she had it figured out, she asked for someone to show her around the premises, as the Dai Li were making no show of wanting to move. This seemed to be a permanent establishment, and Azula honestly didn’t mind. It was a safe place for them to be, with no one around to attack them and plenty of earth around. When people inevitably realized that the Avatar was missing, this was the best place for the Dai Li to hide, use the Avatar as a hostage, and hold their ground against any enemies.

Azula was actually impressed with the Dai Li’s foresight. Maybe they didn’t need Long Feng to be competent.

She followed the ex-commander around the premises, mentally memorizing all the important parts. She was shown where the Avatar was, although he was still unconscious and there was no need for her to do anything with that information for now. Then she was led to where the Kyoshi Warriors were. They told her she could go in, but she didn’t want to deal with the angry look she’d get from Suki, or whatever she’d get from Ty Lee. 

The next stop was Katara. The ex-commander pushed her door open with no fear, explaining that she wasn’t going anywhere .

Azula fought against the weird feeling she got in her stomach, like a warning that she really didn’t want to see what was in there, and forced herself to look.

Katara was slumped up against the back wall, lips cracked and eyes closed. Her hair was a ragged mess, her skin was an odd ashen color, and she was clearly exhausted. Her breaths were coming in short gasps. She looked like she wasn’t going to make it another day.

Azula hadn’t really wanted to look, but now she couldn’t turn away. She felt a little sick, and once again she had to wonder what was wrong with her. She was in power again. This is what she wanted . She’d seen severely dehydrated people before-- she’d been in charge of intentionally dehydrating people before. So what was different now? What poison had the Avatar put in her brain that made looking at this painful?

She arranged her facial features into something that wasn’t horror, and physically made herself turn away. “Interesting,” she forced out, before moving on down the hallway. She heard the door clang shut and a shudder ran through her body.

“Sorry,” she said politely to the ex-commander. “But I’m weary from my travels. Is there a place I could rest for the day?”

“Of course, Princess,” the ex-commander said, turning down a side hallway. “One of our finest rooms is right down here.”

Azula followed him down the hallway, giving him an encouraging smile as he pointed out a room she could use. She turned into the room, still smiling, and closed the door in his face.

Dragging her fingers through her hair, she bit hard on her lip. This was normal. This was who she was . So she needed to pull herself together and deal with it.

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and she collapsed into the bed in the room, pressing her face into the pillow in an attempt to shut out reality. She’d never felt so alone in her life, surrounded by all these people. When she was with Aang--no, the Avatar, she felt like she was welcome and at home. But here, with all these people, she felt so shut out. It’s not like they were doing anything different from normal, either. They’d managed to accept her as their leader again, even after she’d banished them last time. They recognized that she had power, and she could use it to their advantage. That’s what she was used to, people using her power to her advantage. This was normal.

So then why did it feel like it was tearing her body apart?

As her mind tried to sort out what it wanted her to do with all this, she slipped into a restless sleep, battered back and forth by confusing dreams.

In Azula’s dream, she was standing in front of her father, who looked strong and healthy, and was being crowned the Phoenix King again. Out of habit, she immediately sank into a low bow, kneeling down and lowering her head.

“Now is your chance, Azula,” he said in his cold, low voice. Azula felt herself crumpling in on herself under his gaze and she forced herself to look up at him. “Kill the Avatar and join me, and together we will rule the world!” He leaned in closer to her face, eyes penetrating her heart, and she shivered. “Or have you gone soft like Zuko?” he asked, detest written clearly on his face.

“I’m not like Zuko,” she spat, hearing the cold, clear quality of her voice and hating herself for it.

“Good,” he said, turning away. “I couldn’t stand having both of my children be failures.”

“You’re not a failure, Azula,” Aang’s voice said from behind her. She felt relief wash over her like a wave as she turned back to see Aang. He was standing in the Water Tribe hut they had visited, looking sweet and hopeful, like always. “You already have worth. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”

“I feel like a failure,” she said weakly. It was true. She felt so lost, like she didn’t know who she was anymore.

“You are a failure,” Ozai said. She turned and looked up into his emotionless eyes. No, not emotionless. Hateful. All she ever saw in them was hate. “But you have a chance to redeem yourself. Join me, and together we will be something great! We will rule the world and you will be my most beloved child.”

“You don’t have to redeem yourself,” Aang said. Azula’s head whipped back to look at him. “You are not a failure, and you never will be. Just as perfection is impossible, so is complete failure.”

“You were born lucky,” Ozai hissed in her ear. Azula froze up, fearing that voice with all her soul. “And that luck can be taken away.”

“You have fought and struggled to get where you are now,” Aang argued. “And you’ll never lose the experience you’ve gained. No one can take it away from you. You’ve grown strong because of everything you’ve been through.”

The ground under Azula’s feet began to shake and she looked down to see she was sitting on the line between the two environments. The blue floor of the Water Tribe hut was pressed up against the red brick of the ceremonial stage. And they were fighting underneath her, each one trying to force the other back. The floor was rumbling hard and she knew she had to choose a side. But which one? They both offered something she feared, her father or the unknown. And they both offered something she wanted. Power or peace? Which did she want?

“You’re nothing without me!” Ozai hissed. “Nothing!”

“Nobody can determine your worth,” Aang said.

The floor started to crack on the edges under her feet, but she still hesitated, looking back and forth between the two sides, blue and red, peace and power.

“Come with me and we’ll rule the world!” Ozai exclaimed, gesturing to the flags and armies behind him.

Aang held out his hand for her to take. “Come with me and we’ll save it.”

The floor gave a huge shake and she staggered to keep her balance, still looking at Aang. His hand was still out and he was giving her an encouraging, hopeful look. She tentatively stretched out her hand to take his.

“Don’t be stupid, Azula!” Ozai shrieked.

She yelled in confusion and fell to her knees on the ground, pressing her hands against the sides of her head. The floor rumbled again and opened up into a cavernous pit. Azula slipped, hands scrabbling at the red brick of the Fire Nation side. No one moved to help her. They watched her struggle to climb out of the blackness and watched as she fell.

She landed in the Pai Sho room across from Aang.

“Your move,” he told her, gesturing at the board. She looked down and moved her Jasmine tile to take his Rose and create a perfect harmony. 

Expecting him to be angry at his loss, she looked up nervously. Instead he gave her a warm smile and held out his hand for her to shake. “Good game,” he told her.

She started to reach out to take his hand but then--

“Don’t shake his hand,” she heard Ozai’s voice in her head and she slammed her hands into her ears. His voice echoed in her head anyway, sounding almost amplified. “Don’t fraternize with the enemy .”

The seat she was sitting on slid back and she hit the metal wall of her old prison cell. Ozai was standing on the other side of the bars, looking down at her with an expression of deep loathing on his face.

“This is what happens to those who betray me,” he told her. “They get nothing but cold metal walls and darkness.”

Laughing maniacally, he flew from the room. The door slammed shut, leaving Azula in total darkness. She backed up on the floor, searching for a wall to lean against, anything to keep her grounded. But there wasn’t one. She stood up and tried to see through the black void, but there was nothing. She was alone. There was nowhere for her to go. She was lost in her own mind.

“I love you, Azula. I do.”

Azula screamed and jerked awake as her mother’s voice filled her head, deep and smooth.

“No!” she shrieked, falling out of bed and pressing her hands to her ears. “Shut up!”

“I love you, no matter what,” her mother’s voice said, dancing in Azlua’s head.

Azula screamed again and started frantically looking for something to bang her head against, to banish her mother from her mind.

“I do love you, Azula.”

“You love Zuko ,” Azula told the voice, finding a clean patch of wall and preparing to slam her head into it. “You always loved him more than me. You thought I was a monster.”

“No, Azula. I love you.”

“Say something useful !” Azula yelled at the wall.

The door to her room opened and a Dai Li agent poked his head in, looking worried.

“I love you, Azula.”

“Get out !” she shrieked, swinging her head violently at the bare patch of wall. Instead of making the hard impact she was aiming for, the wall went soft under her head, like a pillow. She turned to glower through her bangs at the Dai Li agent standing in her door frame. He had bent the wall into soft granules of sand so she didn’t hurt herself on it.

“I need to see the Avatar,” she growled, walking rabidly towards the Dai Li agent.

“Of course, Princess,” he said, bowing to her before leading her out of the room. Azula, had she been perfectly sane at the moment, would have been impressed with the man. He was handling her manic attack excpetionally well. He led her down hallway after hallway. She kept her hands pressed to her temples, forcing herself to focus on her breathing instead of the sound of her mother’s voice, incessantly telling Azula how much she loved her.

The Dai Li guard stopped in front of a metal door which was guarded by not one, but six Dai Li agents. 

“I need to talk to him alone,” Azula said through gritted teeth.

“Yes, princess,” one of the guards said, opening the door for her.

She staggered in.

Notes:

HOOO okay writing that chapter felt a little bit like ripping my soul out of my body, but it’s done now! The next chapters just need editing and I’m going to post the next one in a few days to make up for how late this one is.
Um. I feel like this one was a little lower quality than the older ones, so I'm really sorry! But I just had a lot of trouble motivating myself to write it, so this is as good as it's going to get.

Chapter 8: Azula's Regrets

Notes:

A CHAPTER I ENJOYED WRITING !
Tw for a character in pain! Severe dehydration! Self-esteem issues! Minor violence!

Chapter Text

The Avatar was standing in the middle of a completely metal cell, arms strung to the ceiling by two long chains and feet chained in a similar manner to the floor. He looked exhausted and was slumped down, held up only by his arms, head drooping to his chest. As Azula came in, he looked up, frowning confusedly. The door slammed shut behind Azula, leaving them in complete darkness.

A moment later, a light flickered on from the Avatar’s side of the cell. He was holding a flame in one of his hands, somehow managing to bend it downwards, away from the metal chains around his wrists.

“How did you do it?” Azula demanded, storming across the room. How did you get her inside my head?” she hissed, eyes flashing wildly from behind her crooked bangs.

The Avatar sighed tiredly, slowly working his body into a fully standing position, wincing as he put his full weight on his feet. “You’re going to have to be more specific,” he said, sounding exhausted. 

“My mother!” Azula yelled in his face. He didn’t even blink. “How did you get her inside my head?”

“Azula,” he said flatly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Azula had to admit to herself that he probably didn’t have any idea what was going on. There was no way her mother had gotten to him in here , and there hadn’t been an opportunity before now either. He most likely had nothing to do with her mother’s new ability to haunt her from inside. But at the very least, he would be able to get her mother out of her head, just like he’d done before.

He pointed to the floor with the hand he wasn’t using to firebend. “If you light a fire and sit down, then we can talk about this in a more civilized way.”

Grumbling to herself, Azula made a handful of orange fire and held it up. The Avatar dropped his and blinked wearily at her. “Tell me what’s going on,” he said.

“I was having this dream about my father and--”

“Sounds like a real winner,” he muttered bitterly.

She gave him an annoyed glare.

“Sorry,” he said, not really sounding sorry at all. He flopped a hand weakly for her to continue.

“And my mother came back and she’s in my head and she won’t leave.”

The Avatar made a noncommittal noise, looking unimpressed.

“Well?” Azula demanded angrily.

“‘Well,’ what?” the Avatar retorted, emotions flaring. Azula felt the heat of the room increase by several degrees and she stared at him in shock. It was rare for Aang-- the Avatar to lose control of his emotions like that. “What do you want me to say? ‘Oh, I’m sorry Azula, let me heal your head from this impossible and incredibly painful position.’ ‘Oh, Azula, please let me fall all over myself to help you after you turned on me and put me in prison .’” He shot her the angriest look she’d seen since Ba Sing Se, lips pursed tightly together, eyebrows set in furious diagonals.

“Yes!” Azula told him hotly. “That’s exactly what I want you to say!”

“Well I’m not going to!” he yelled back. “I’m really mad about what you just did!”

“I thought forgiveness was your thing!” she shouted, feeling the temperature of the room increase even more as her emotions flared with his.

“Yeah, after the fact! Not during it! Right now I’m really, really angry!”

Azula yelled incoherently and punched her fire into the wall. It turned blue just before it hit the wall and then everything went dark. She relit the orange fire in her hand, forcing herself to relax. She looked over at him, at the angry light in his eyes. His cheeks were flushed from the heat of the room. Getting two Firebenders angry was asking to be baked. The room slowly started to cool down as they glared at each other, each of them calming down.

“Look, I need help,” she said softly, making a split second decision to open up to him. He seemed to respond well to that kind of thing.

“If it’s anything related to bending, I can’t help you,” he said saltily. “Not while my arms feel like they’re about to fall out of their sockets.”

“No, it’s not that,” Azula said, shaking her head.

His expression softened into something more curious and apologetic than the bitterness he’d been wearing before. “What is it?” he asked quietly.

“I feel really… lost,” Azula told him, chin wobbling a little. “I don’t know if I made the right decision. What I just did… my dad would approve wholly, but you obviously don’t and I don’t-- I can’t-- what do I do, Aang?” she asked desperately, eyes flitting up to meet his. “I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t know right from wrong anymore!”

“I see,” he said with genuine sympathy. “Well, Azula, there’s not much I can do to help you with this. You made a decision and now you have to figure out if that decision was the best thing for you. And the choice you make now will change the course of your life forever.”

“Yes, I know all that,” Azula snapped, annoyed. “What I need is help deciding.”

His lips pursed together thoughtfully and he frowned at the floor.

When the silence had gone on for a full minute, Azula demanded, “Well?” 

Clearly choosing his words carefully, Aang said, “You need to figure out… what you want. And then act on that.”

She stared at him, utterly baffled, using her spare hand to pull her bangs out of her face. “What do you mean ‘what I want’?”

His eyebrows twitched together. “What is your goal here? What is it you want to accomplish? What do you want and what will you do to get it?” He looked up, eyebrows raised, to see if she understood. She didn’t.

“But how do I know what I want?”

It was Aang’s turn to look confused. “I don’t know, just think about it? What is it you want?”

“I don’t know ,” she said, scowling at him. She’d made that fact very clear several times already in this conversation. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

He drew back, squinting at her as though unsure if she was joking. “Well, I don’t know,” he said finally. “It’s not my life.”

“Just tell me what I should do!” she said, getting frustrated.

“It’s not as simple as that!” Aang snapped. The temperature of the room fluctuated again and Azula watched as he took a deep breath to calm himself down. “It’s not as simple as that,” he repeated softly. “I can’t make this decision for you or the rest of your life will be filled with what-ifs. You’ll never be satisfied with your decisions, because it wouldn’t have been your decision.” He lifted his eyebrows questioningly. “Does that make sense?”

It didn’t, but Azula was tired of feeling like a stupid school kid who needed a patient teacher to explain everything ten times to her. “Well, what do you want?” she asked, thinking that that was a fast way for her to figure out what she should do.

Aang blinked dully at her for a full ten seconds until she started to feel like an idiot again. “I think it’s pretty obvious what I want,” he said snarkily. “I mean, I’m literally chained up in a Dai Li base yelling at you. What I want at this moment couldn’t get much clearer.” He shook his head, expression softening again. “But I don’t want you to do what I want.”

Azula gave him a bewildered look and he amended, “I mean, I do want you to but I don’t want you to do it because I want you to.” He pursed his lips, looking embarrassed at how confusing that sentence had been and how many times he had used the words “do” and “want” inside it. He tried again, speaking slowly. “I want you to come to terms with yourself and do what you want. And if that doesn’t align with what I want, then that’s fine.” He shrugged. “You’re your own person. I understand.” He gave her another questioning look. “Does that make sense?”

“So you don’t care what I do as long as it's fully my decision?” Azula asked, not fully understanding.

Aang’s eyebrows knitted themselves together. “No… I still care, and I still would like you to… What I mean is I care what you decide but I want you to decide it on your own.”

“So you’re not going to help me,” she said flatly, bangs falling back across her cheeks.

He flopped his hands demonstratively in the chains. “There’s not much I can do to help you at the current moment.”

“I hate you,” Azula said decisively, turning to leave.

“Well, I’m glad you care about my life then,” Aang said.

She didn’t look back to see if he was being genuine or sarcastic. She just left the room and the Avatar, bringing her firelight with her. In the hall, she let it go out before walking like a dead person back to her room and collapsing in the bed.

Azula couldn’t sleep. She felt overwhelmingly guilty, and the feeling was so foreign to her that she thought her body was going to reject it and barf it all up. She felt like her body was caving in on itself, her head hurt in her temples and between her eyebrows, she felt this sickening sensation in her stomach and throat, like her entire body was squeezing itself together to try to reject the guiltiness. Squinching up her eyes, she tried to ward off the pain of her own decision. It quickly proved impossible.

Rolling out of bed, she staggered to her feet and paced in circles around the room, dragging her hands through her hair. What did she want? She shook her head. What did that even mean ? She didn’t know what she wanted. She wanted something , that was for sure. Aang had seemed so sure that there was something she wanted. But what was it? No one had ever really stopped to ask her what she wanted before. It was always about what was best for the Fire Nation or her father, never about her. It had always been about pleasing someone else. But what did she want when she wasn’t trying to please people?

Well for one thing, she wanted to get rid of the weird guilty feelings pressing into her chest. 

Had she done the right thing? She’d chosen a sense of normalcy over the Avatar, and she’d felt at the time like that was a good decision. Her entire life she’d been told to get in control quickly, get people to bow down to you, and then hold onto power as long as possible. She’d followed that to the letter, and most of the time it was great.

But now every muscle in her body was screaming at her that what she’d done was wrong. She’d left Aang , the one person that had been nice to her without being forced. But on the other hand, he was the Avatar, and leaving him was the best thing she could have done for herself. She had him in a position of great weakness right about now. She could do whatever she wanted to him. Force him into the Avatar state and kill--

With a frustrated yell, Azula punched the wall, bangs falling back into her eyes. Kill Aang? Could she even do that? He was nice ! Really nice! Almost painfully nice sometimes. So nice it made her feel guilty. Which hurt . So maybe it was a good idea to kill him? Was that right? Or would it make her feel even more guilty since she’d killed the one person that actually seemed to care about her as she was, not as she should be?

Her father wouldn’t have hesitated. Ozai would already be plotting out ways to get Aang into the Avatar State. But did she really want to live up to her father’s image? Was that who she wanted to be?

She screamed again and kicked the wall. There was a soft knock at the door and she opened it, glaring rabidly at whoever was outside. It was just one of the Dai Li. He bowed. “Is everything all right, Pri--”

“I’m fine,” Azula snapped, slamming the door in his face.

She turned around, dragging her hands through her jagged hair and sliding slowly down the door to sit on the floor. Aang. Ozai. Happiness and forgiveness or power and control. Which did she want? Which person did she want on her side? Which person did she want to impress?

But Aang didn’t even want to be impressed. That was what was so bewildering about him. He just wanted her to be happy , and the entire concept of that was so wild and strange to Azula that she couldn’t even process it fully. It seemed he didn’t care what she did as long as it felt right to her . With her father, it was always so obvious what he wanted because he would say it flat out, with a little threat on the side. But with Aang… he didn’t seem to want anything, except for his friends to be safe. For the world to be safe. For her to be safe. And that was something Azula didn’t know if she could give to him. Didn’t know if she wanted to give to him.

But of course you want to give it to him, a little voice said in her head. He’d do it for you.

So what? A colder voice said back. That’s his choice.

So just leave him to die?

He’s the Avatar, he deserves to die.

Azula got up from the floor to sprawl out on the bed again, burying her face in her pillow. What was wrong with her? This was a simple decision and she was letting her feelings get in the way.

She sighed miserably. Her emotions were tearing her up from the inside. Rolling onto her back, she took a deep breath. 

Breathe with me. She heard Aang’s voice in her head. In… Out. Feel your emotions, accept their presence, and then let them go. In… Out. They can’t hurt you, because they aren’t solid. In… Out. Let your emotions go. Accept and release. In… Out... In… Out.

Azula let her emotions wash over her, she let them war with her insides, she let them turn her body into a battlefield. She took one breath after the other, in, out, and accepted her strange conflicting emotions one by one. She addressed each one individually, looked it in the face, told it, “You can’t hurt me,” and let it go. She stared her guilt, her compassion, her fear, her love, her shame, her longing right in the eyes and released them.

And then she felt liberated.

Clarity returned full force, stronger than it had ever been before. She got to her feet, finding strength in the hard rock floor, and walked steadily across the room to the door. There was something else she needed to do.

There were two guards outside her door now. Protection. Unneeded, of course, and currently a potential hindrance.

“I’m going for a walk,” she said levelly, voice sounding perfectly smooth and decisive for once. It was true. She was going for a walk. “I don’t need help.” She didn’t. “And I don’t want you following me.” She definitely didn’t want that. “I need to figure some things out.” Also true, but maybe not with the same immediacy as her “walk.”

The Dai Li agents shared a look and then nodded, allowing her to stalk calmly down the hallway.

She didn’t falter or doubt herself once as she went down to the Avatar’s cell. She’d viewed her emotions objectively, and decided this was what needed to be done to end the raging. She’d found the source of her discomfort, and she was going to end it. Now.

She didn’t hesitate when she dismissed all the Dai Li agents guarding the door to the Avatar, ignoring their baffled looks.

Only when she'd opened the door and was looking the Avatar in the eyes did her heartbeat speed up again. But it wasn’t him. He looked curious and surprised, but open, as always. Inviting. Calming. Maybe a little angry still, but ready to trust, and to forgive. No, it wasn’t him. He made her feel more sure of her decision.

But Azula’s father would heartily disapprove of what she was about to do. And that terrified her.

“I’m not doing this because I like you,” she said, drawing out the key to his chains. She had some experience in picking pockets, and the Dai Li agents outside hadn’t been watching for it. Aang visibly relaxed at the sight. Clearly he was just as convinced as she’d been that she was going to kill him. “I’m doing it because not doing it is making me feel… in a bad way.”

He nodded. “Understandable.”

“I’m paying back a debt,” she said, feeling the need to justify her actions as she unchained his right wrist.

His eyebrows twitched together. “What debt?”

“You let me out of prison, I let you out of prison. We’re even.”

Aang’s expression cleared and he gave her a look bordering on sadness. Compassion, maybe. “Azula, you don’t owe me any debts.” She got his left arm unchained and he started to rub out his shoulder. “I don’t think like that. You don’t owe me anything, and we don’t have to be ‘even.’”

“I don’t care what you think,” Azula said flatly, helping him unchain his feet. “I’m doing this for my own mental well-being. You don’t get a say in it.” She stood up, having finished with his chains.

The corners of Aang’s lips curved upward slightly, like he was trying not to smile. “Okay,” he said. “You do what you need to do.”

Azula gave him a grim nod and turned away, satisfied with her decision to get him out of here. He did it for her. She was returning the favor. Everything would be nice and fair, and she could live her life without guilt eating out her insides.

“Azula,” he said softly from behind her. She looked back at him over her shoulder. He looked so open and genuine that she paused and turned fully back to him.

“Do you want to come with me?” he asked, eyebrows raised with sincerity and concern.

It was a question. Not a, “Come with me,” which, even said with the kindest expression, was still a command. Not a, “You should come with me,” which was an order thinly disguised as a suggestion. But a “Do you want to come with me?” What did she want? Did she want to go with him? Did she? Leave this life of ruling and power for a life of saving and humility? Was that a fair trade?

As she looked at him, she felt her heart open. He looked so concerned and humble that she couldn’t help but want to go with him. He was filled with freedom, and strength, and patience, and laughter, and confidence, and passion, and sincerity, and kindness. He was someone she would spend every day of the rest of her life trying to be better for. Not perfect. Better.

And even if she failed again and again, he would be right by her side to remind her that she was enough, that she could get back up and try again. He wouldn’t care that she messed up, only that she tried. He’d teach her to laugh at herself and view the world as something beautiful, instead of a cage. He’d teach her to be fully at peace with herself and the world around her.

And as Azula looked deep into his big gray eyes, she realized she would do anything to keep this boy’s trust. Because she needed his trust. She’d come to rely on it. And she trusted him more than anyone in the world.

Trust wasn’t for fools, she realized suddenly. Trust and love were for people who learned to understand and empathize with other people. Those who learned to trust were those who opened their hearts everyday and let the storm rage right through them without a moment’s hesitation. They were the wisest of them all, because they knew how to be with people without hurting anyone. Trust wasn’t for fools. It was for the brave, the strong, and the loving. And Azula wanted to be one of them.

Did she want to go with Aang? To freedom and peace and laughter?

Absolutely.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the door. “Yes,” she whispered. “Please let me come.”

His eyes lit up. 

Azula wrapped his hand in both of hers, trying to get him to understand the urgency of what she was about to say. He seemed to get the message and he leaned in, looking serious again.

“I know where your friends are,” Azula told him. “But we have to be very careful. I can talk away a lot of things, but running around a Dai Li base with the Avatar is not something easily overlooked.” She raised her eyebrows. “Got it?”

Aang nodded, face set, although Azula could see the hope still burning behind his eyes.

Azula pushed the door open, did a quick sweep of the entire hallway (including the ceiling) with her eyes, and then led Aang out. She took him through the maze of hallways, hiding him around the corner several times while she talked Dai Li agents out of the way. Finally, they reached the door to the room all the Kyoshi Warriors, Sokka, and Mai were in. And Ty Lee , she reminded herself, feeling a little nervous. She wanted to see Ty Lee more than anything, but she was afraid of her judgement. She was afraid of being hurt.

Azula unlocked the door and opened it for Aang to go first, not really interested in being the first face the Kyoshi Warriors saw. That was just asking to get punched.

Azula handed Aang the key and he walked right past her into the room, a spring in his step. Azula heard a rustle of excitement and relief (including Sokka exclaiming, “It’s my favorite Avatar!” which made Azula smile a little in the hallway), and then everything quieted down again as Aang gave everyone a hushed rundown of what was going on. There was a murmur of confusion and anger from the room and then some frustration and exasperation from Aang, and then reluctant acceptance from the room. Azula assumed Aang had just explained why the lunatic Fire Nation princess was standing outside the door, and then had had to defend her. If Azula hadn’t been annoyed at how long this was taking, she might have been grateful. 

After a minute more of hushed explanation, Aang stepped back out of the room and offered her the key again. She shook her head and pushed it away, not wanting to be in charge of it any more. Or associated with it.

Sokka poked his head out of the room and looked her up and down suspiciously. He looked more mature, just like Aang did. Older. And his voice had dropped to a lower, more stable tone. “Where’s my sister?” he asked.

Aang gave Azula an inquisitive look. She hesitated, shifting her weight to one leg and then the other. Biting her lip, she whispered, “Aang, you have to promise me something.”

Aang’s eyebrows twitched together. “What is it?”

“When you see her…” Azula said slowly, feeling her heart speed up in her chest. “When you see her, don’t go into the Avatar State.”

Aang's head jerked back and he gave her the first fully worried and panicked look she’d seen from him. The others paled in comparison. “Why?” he asked frantically, looking like he was close to strangling someone out of sheer worry. “What did they… what’s wrong with her?”

Azula’s eyebrows furrowed together. How to explain the dead look of Katara, like she was being held together by nothing but her skin. Her dry lips, the exhausted way she held herself, like someone who had been fully broken. How to explain that she’d been given just enough water to keep her alive and that was it. “Just promise, Aang,” Azula said, feeling a little panicked now about what Aang’s reaction to seeing her would be.

Aang and Sokka shared a long look and then Aang turned back to Azula. “I promise I will try as hard as I can to stay out of an uncontrolled Avatar State. But I reserve the right to go into a fully controlled Avatar State.” He raised his eyebrows at her, asking if that was good enough. She nodded.

“Follow me.” 

Azula led everyone down three more hallways, successfully evading the Dai Li, and stopped in front of Katara’s door. She used her chin to point at it. Aang took a deep breath, bouncing on his toes, and then opened the door. Azula winced in anticipation of Aang’s pain. With a horrified gasp, Aang ran into the room, Sokka following in a split second. Azula squinched up her face, feeling guilty again.

They came back out of the room a minute later, Sokka holding Katara in his arms like a baby. She was awake and looking at him, but her entire body was limp and she didn’t look like she could live another day. Her eyes slowly drifted shut. Azula chanced a look at Aang and noticed he was watching Katara carefully, face pinched tightly up, like he was trying to wake up from a bad dream. She caught sight of Ty Lee’s horrified face in the crowd and she quickly turned away, heart speeding up in her chest.

Aang looked up from Katara’s exhausted face to give Azula a helpless look.

“This way,” Azula said. She looked down the hallway, planning out the best possible escape route. Shaking her head, she told them, “There’s going to have to be a fight.”

Aang shook out his hands. “Tell me which direction the canyon is and I’ll get us out without one.”

Azula pointed just to the right of Katara’s door. Aang nodded and shifted into a deep horse stance. He gave Azula a steady look. “Avatar State,” he warned her. Her breath caught in throat and she took a nervous step back. Aang in the Avatar State was a variable she didn’t feel safe with. She’d been the target of his Avatar State once, and she didn't want to be there again. Aang was powerful enough without the Avatar State, and in it… in it, he was terrifying.

Aang closed his eyes and took a deep breath. On the exhale, his arrow lit up. His eyes flew open, glowing, and Azula suddenly understood what he meant when he said he was fully in control of the Avatar State. It meant nothing was getting hurt without his say-so. It meant he was simply using the power of the Avatar spirit to enhance his bending, and nothing more. The glow left his arrow and he turned and thrust both hands at the rock wall. A perfect rectangle shot back, creating a long dark tunnel with a tiny pinprick of light at the end. He started down it and everyone followed him in, Azula right behind him. The tunnel closed up behind them.

Azula had to be impressed by the kid’s skill as they ran. He’d simultaneously created a tunnel to the exit and had blocked off all external access to the tunnel at the same time. She wasn’t absolutely certain, but she felt that as they ran he was putting the Dai Li compound back as it had been, leaving all the original tunnels intact and usable. And he was doing this all by himself. 

In front of them, Dai Li agents broke through the rock and ran for them. Without the slightest change in expression, Aang swept a breath of wind down the tunnel, the force of which blew all the Dai Li agents right out the end of the tunnel. Still running, Aang twisted a hand upward and closed up the holes in the wall.

They reached the end of the tunnel and Aang entered the Avatar State again as he ran right off the edge of the tunnel into the canyon. Azula didn’t hesitate to follow him. Her feet hit solid rock and she looked down to see that Aang was bending up huge pillars of rock to make a ramp down to the ground. The Dai Li agents Aang had just pushed out were all frozen twenty feet off the ground in ice from the river and, yet again, Azula found herself feeling very impressed with Aang’s abilities. He’d just bent air, earth, and water, all in rapid succession, and it didn’t even look difficult. She looked back to see that behind the last Kyoshi Warrior, the earth pillars were dropping back into the ground, making it look as though the ramp hadn't ever been there. Aang left the Avatar State for the last few pillars and pulled out a white bison-shaped whistle. He began blowing on it as hard as he could, but no sound escaped.

“All right,” Aang said, tucking the whistle away and facing everyone. “I’m not sure how many of us Appa can carry. We took off his saddle, so he should be able to take quite a few of us. I’m going to go on my glider. Sokka, you and Katara take the front seat on Appa’s head. And Azula, Suki, and…” his eyes scanned the Kyoshi warriors, lingering on Ty Lee before moving on. “Kazumi,” he said finally. “You’re with me.”

Suki and another Kyoshi Warrior Azula didn’t recognize stepped out of the crowd and walked over to Aang. Suki was watching Azula carefully, but seemed to trust Aang enough to let Azula stay around. “Are you sure about this, Aang?” she asked. “Appa’s never carried this many people before.” 

Aang bit his lip. “I don’t know that we have another choice right now. My arms are hurt after…” He shook his head, apparently not wanting to talk about it. “We’re not going very far, so… hopefully?” He gave Azula a nervous look.

“I don’t think we have another option,” Azula said quietly. They had to get out of here as soon as possible, so taking two trips wouldn’t work. Aang could maybe make some sort of rig with his earthbending, but that was easily trackable and would take too long to figure out. And if his arms were injured… there wasn’t much more they could do.

Aang nodded at her and then turned to shrug helplessly at Suki. “I could maybe take one more person?” he suggested hesitantly. His face constricted in pain as his right arm inched up to rub his left shoulder. “Ty Lee,” he called. “Could you come over here?”

Azula recoiled as Ty Lee started hesitantly towards them. It was her first full look at Ty Lee, and Azula was almost surprised by how little had changed. She was just a little bit taller and her face had evened out a little, reducing the roundness of her cheeks and making her look more mature. Her big eyes were the same, and her hair was still in a long braid. And she looked nervous, which in turn was making Azula nervous. Unfortunately, Aang noticed.

“Actually, never mind. Moriko, could you…” A different Kyoshi Warrior separated herself from the group and walked lightly over as Ty Lee went back. Azula thought Ty Lee’s shoulders slumped in relief, but she wasn’t sure if she’d just imagined it or if she was paranoid.

“Okay…” Aang said as a saddleless Appa landed next to them. He ran up and hugged the bison’s fluffy face before untying his glider from Appa’s horn. He dropped down to the ground, spinning the blue wings open. Behind him, the Kyoshi Warriors started climbing onto Appa. 

“This is going to take some doing,” Aang said thoughtfully. He started arranging people until he was fairly certain the weight distribution added up. After a few seconds of directing people around, he held out the glider and helped them on. Azula saw several flashes of pain cross his face during the process as he moved his arms, but he was careful to conceal them and they were barely noticeable. 

A loud cracking sound boomed through the canyon from behind them, a sign that the Dai Li were coming and that they were really, really angry. Aang didn't wait around for them to show up. The moment everyone was secure, he bunched up his muscles and took off, with a little gasp of pain and surprise as he adjusted to everyone’s weight. Appa took off behind them, looking similarly uncomfortable with so many people on his back.

Azula felt she had never been more grateful for anything in her life as they landed by the river about a mile away. She was so glad Aang had decided to set up camp so close to the Dai Li base, against her wishes. Mostly because she didn’t think he could have made it any further. He had been stifling little gasps of pain the entire time, and Azula was pretty sure the only reason he’d managed to stay up was that during the entire flight Suki had been reminding him that Katara needed him to get them to safety.

They came in for a crash landing, Aang barely managing to stagger on his feet a little before toppling over. Appa landed next to Aang and immediately sprawled out on the ground, looking exhausted. But, thank the spirits, everyone was safe.

Chapter 9: Aang Makes a Decision

Notes:

tw for minor injuries, feelings of separation and loneliness
Uh there's a lot more Kataang in this chapter than the others, so sorry Zutara people. You can just pretend they break up later or something.

Chapter Text

Barely even allowing himself any time for recovery, Aang ran to Sokka and took Katara from his arms. He carried Katara over to the river, looking worriedly down into her face. He didn’t think anything was really very wrong with her except severe dehydration, but that was dangerous, especially since he was about to heal her with water. Hopefully her body wouldn’t reject it.

He waded straight into the river, not bothering to take off his shoes, and placed Katara in it, holding her head over the water with one very sore arm. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled weakly at him. “Aang,” she croaked. 

“Shh, shh,” he told her, cocooning her in the water. “Don’t talk yet.”

He entered the Avatar State for just a moment, feeling its white power rushing through him, and then began to heal. The river water in his immediate area began to glow, but he focused it all in on Katara, easing out her muscles, slowly and carefully giving her fragile body the water it needed. 

Luckily, her body soaked up the water like a sponge, not rejecting it at all. About twenty minutes later, Aang deemed it safe to carry her out of the water. He put an arm gently around her waist and lifted her up.

“Aang,” she murmured, voice sounding much smoother than before. “Let me walk.”

He shook his head. “Not this time, forever girl.”

Katara laughed weakly and allowed him to scoop an arm under her knees and carry her out of the water. Ignoring the twinges of pain in his arms, he laid her gently down in the grass under a big tree and looked worried into her face.

“Thank you, Aang,” she murmured. Her eyes slid shut and she fell asleep. Momo landed next to her and reached out to prod her shoulder, until Aang nudged him away, telling him to go bother Sokka, which he was happy to oblige. Aang got back up to his feet, yet again ignoring his exhaustion and hurt arms, and headed back to the river.

“Anyone need healing?” he asked, wincing as he pulled off his soaking wet shoes and dropped them on the shore. He wiggled his toes in the sand, forcing his mind away from the pain in his shoulders.

They all shook their heads.

“You do,” Suki pointed out. Some of the girls laughed in agreement. 

Aang gave her an exasperated look and then dived into the water. He healed his arms quickly, using the Avatar State to speed up the process. Then he waded back out of the river, bending the excess water off himself and his shoes. Pulling out his food bag from Appa’s saddle on the ground, he began to look for something they could all eat. They'd have to move as soon as they could, in case the Dai Li started searching, but they couldn't go anywhere without getting everyone healthy first.

Sokka was by his side in an instant, Momo fluttering in a wild circle around his head. “Meat?” Sokka asked, diving into the bag. 

Aang rolled his eyes, but he was laughing. “Why do you even ask that? Of course there’s no meat.”

Sokka gave him a disgruntled look and pulled out some dried rice. “You make this. I’m finding some meat.”

Laughing, Aang pulled out Katara’s cooking pot from Appa’s saddle. He was pulling water from the river and bending it into the pot when Azula came up, holding her portion of the rice. “Here,” she said, giving it to him without looking at his eyes. “We’ll make more this way.”

Aang smiled gratefully at her. She seemed to be feeling more stable now, if a little unsure of where she stood with him right now. While he was struggling with the idea of extending trust again, he was more worried about what would happen if he didn't trust her again than if he did. Without his trust back, she'd probably feel estranged and vulnerable, which would be bad as of the moment. So he opened his heart up to her yet again, hoping against all hopes that she wouldn't break it. “Thank you. Would you help me heat up the water?”

Azula nodded and began firebending steadily at the pot. Aang went to the other side and started to help. Within minutes, the water was boiling. Aang added the rice and they continued cooking it, sending a steady stream of gentle fire at the pot, being very careful not to do anything too hot. 

A minute later, Sokka returned and plopped down next to them empty handed. “I just realized I don’t have my boomerang.”

“Oh,” Aang laughed, getting to his feet. “I brought it. Hold on.”

Sokka was on his feet in an instant, following Aang excitedly like a turtleduck. “You brought it? Aang, you’re the best! You’re literally my favorite person ever!”

“Literally?” Aang asked as he started digging through everything in the saddle, giving Sokka an incredulous look.

“Yes,” Sokka said without a second’s hesitation. 

“What about me?” Katara asked from across the clearing, sounding amused. Aang glanced over to see that Momo was sitting on her chest. The naughty lemur had woken her up.

“You should be sleeping!” Sokka scolded her, leaving Aang’s side to try to force Katara to fall asleep. 

“Here, Sokka,” Aang said, pulling out the boomerang. Katara threw him a grateful look as Sokka turned right back around to get the boomerang. “But Sokka, I’m having nothing to do with this meat. If you want someone to cook it, you have to ask Azula.”

Katara’s head jerked up and Momo flew off her chest with an alarmed chirp. “Azula?” She caught sight of Azula and her entire face screwed up into a furious expression. “What is she doing here?”

“Katara,” Aang said, running to her side before she hurt herself and suddenly regretting mentioning Azula. “I’ll explain everything after you’ve slept, okay? Sleep.”

“No!” Katara protested, struggling to get to her feet as Momo inched further away from them. “I’m not sleeping while she’s anywhere near you!”

“Katara, please,” Aang pleaded. “Please trust me on this one.”

Katara met his eyes, tired glare meeting his pleading look. “Fine,” she grumbled finally, settling back down. “I trust you. But I’m expecting a full explanation later.”

“Deal.”

She turned to smile gratefully up at him, as though putting aside any thoughts she had about Azula for the moment. “Thank you for coming to get us,” she said quietly, reaching up to touch his cheek, “and for healing me.”

“Of course, Katara. Any time,” he said, catching her fingers as she started to pull them away and pressing them to his lips. They felt cold. Not a bad cold, more like a relaxing, calming cool temperature.

“I was worried about you,'' she whispered.

Aang shook his head. “I was worried about you .”

“Yeah, well, you had a good reason for that.”

Aang laughed and butted foreheads with her as she started giggling. “I love you so much,” he told her as she smiled up at him. “And I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”

She shrugged. “As long as we get to kick some Dai Li butt later, I'll recover.”

“Sure. It’s a plan.” He stood up and put his hands on his hips. “Now, sleep,” he ordered, pointing at the ground. “Sokka’s right for once.”

“For once?” Sokka spluttered from behind him. 

Katara started laughing immediately as Aang turned and strung an arm over Sokka’s shoulders, leading him away and patting him sympathetically. 

“Yeah, for once,” Katara called after them. “ Two fish hooks, remember?”

Sokka made an indignant noise and turned to make a retort, but Aang steered him away, yelling, “Sleep!” over his shoulder.

Grumbling, Katara settled down again. Almost immediately, her breath evened out and she dropped off to sleep. She really did need it, Aang reminded himself. He didn’t like feeling like he was telling her what to do, but she needed sleep. She’d been through an ordeal, and it was his fault. And now she needed a lot of rest. As much rest as she could get. Sokka, apparently giving up with his quest for meat, settled down on the ground next to the river and started chatting with Suki. Momo continued abusing Sokka, jumping up and down on Sokka’s head with irregular screeches. Aang returned to Azula’s side and took over the firebending duties. She sat next to him, curled up, head tucked behind her knees.

“Everyone hates me,” she muttered.

“Only a little bit,” Aang answered.

She gave him an offended look. 

“Well, what do you want me to say?” he said defensively. “No, you’re everyone’s favorite? Everyone loves you? Chasing people around the world and trying to kill them makes them want to be your friend?”

She grumbled out some answer that Aang didn’t quite catch and hid her head again.

“Look,” he said, feeling a little sorry now. “It’s not that they all hate you. They just don’t trust you. And it might take awhile for you to regain their trust.”

She sighed and leaned back, looking up at the sky. “Why does everything have to be so hard ?”

He shrugged, shifting so he could use waterbending to stir the water around a little. He did this while continuing to firebend and when he was done, he settled back, feeling very proud of himself.

“That was impressive,” Azula said flatly.

“Thank you,” he responded, grinning at her. “That’s the first time I’ve ever bent water and fire at the same time without the Avatar State.”

Azula made a noncommittal noise and sprawled out in the grass. Aang pursed her lips, looking at her. He was worried about her now. She’d just realized that everything she’d ever wanted wasn’t what she wanted any more, and so she was going through big emotional changes. Ordinarily, Aang would want her to have as much alone time as possible while she came to terms with her decision, but now that wasn’t possible. She was surrounded by people that didn’t like her or want anything to do with her, and that was dangerous. It could be very bad for her mental health.

Luckily for her, Aang was on her side. And he was going to be as careful as he could to make sure she didn’t slip. He felt that she was much better than she had been when he first broke her out of prison, but it was still fragile. And he was going to be right there by her if she needed help. 

And then there was the dilemma about Zuko. Thinking about it made him really stressed out, so he’d been trying not to, but there was no way Aang was going to return Azula to prison, and there was no way Zuko would be happy about that. Aang was exceptionally concerned about it, although he hadn’t mentioned it to Azula. Or anyone else, for that matter. He glanced back at Katara, who was sleeping peacefully, hair splayed out in beautiful tangles on the ground. Katara, of course, would be the first person he’d talk to about it, as soon as he got the chance. She was really good at helping him think through these things.

“Sometimes…” he said slowly to Azula, who turned her head on the ground to look up at him, “I really hate being the Avatar.”

She gave him a look bordering on sympathy. “Well, sometimes I hate being the princess of the Fire Nation,” she said, sitting up halfway by leaning on her elbows. “Life sucks sometimes.”

Aang smiled a little at that. “Yeah, it does.”

“That’s what makes it so fun,” Azula said drily, tipping her head back to look at the clouds.

Aang burst out laughing, dropping the firebending for a moment. Several of the Kyoshi Warrior sent curious looks their way as Aang tried to stifle his laughter. “That is what makes it so fun,” he snickered as Azula stared at him. “Oh, spirits.” He was actually tearing up now, and clutching his abs as he tried to stop laughing. “I’m dying.”

Azula snorted and they both laughed together, wheezing in an attempt to keep it quiet. “It wasn’t funny until you started laughing,” Azula said accusatorily, jabbing a finger at him.

“False!” Aang exclaimed, pointing right back. “I wouldn’t have started laughing if--”

“You’re ruining the rice,” Azula told him, poking her finger closer to his chest.

“Shit, you’re right.” Aang turned and started firebending again, snickering to himself as Azula cracked up about him swearing.

“Is everything all right over there?” Suki asked from the river, looking over at the two of them, and especially at Azula who was making a huge effort to breathe normally.

“Everything’s great, how are you?” Aang called back, completely deadpan. He could hear Azula’s labored breathing speed up next to him as she tried to not laugh again.

“I’m fine.” Suki sounded amused now.

“Good, good.” Aang pointed at the rice as Azula recovered herself. “Rice is almost done.”

“Sorry,” Azula said to Aang, sitting up again and wiping the remnants of her happy tears out of her eyes.

He looked curiously at her. “For what?”

Azula waved her hands enigmatically through the air in front of her. “Oh, I don’t know. Everything. Nothing. Anything. I just felt like it needed to be said.”

Aang smiled at her. “Okay. Well, whatever it is, it’s no problem and it’s perfectly all right.”

She smiled back, shoulders relaxing as she met his eyes. “Thank you.” 

They settled into a comfortable silence as the rice finished cooking, switching off firebending duties one more time before Aang felt it with his waterbending and decided it was done. They separated it out into the bowls Aang had brought in Appa’s saddle. Sokka resigned himself to eating it with the greens the Kyoshi Warriors found in the forest, since he hadn’t succeeded in finding any meat.

“Oh, spirits,” Suki groaned as they started eating it. The Kyoshi Warriors had come in and were sitting in a circle around the pot. Katara had been woken up and moved in. Azula had moved off to sit alone under one of the big trees, apparently not wanting to commingle just yet. 

“This is the best food I’ve ever tasted,” Suki mumbled, mouth full, “and it’s not even good.”

“Well, I think it’s good,” Katara said, abandoning manners and scooping it out with her fingers. She leaned over and kissed Aang on the cheek. “You’re the best cook ever.”

“Oogies,” Sokka muttered from across the pot. 

“You and Suki have been kissing all afternoon!” Katara shot back, getting all riled up. 

“We have not!” Sokka yelled defensively.

“Yes we have, Sokka,” Suki said, patting him gently on the knee. Several of the Kyoshi warriors laughed as Sokka spluttered defensively. Momo tried to discreetly sneak a bite of food from Sokka’s bowl, but Sokka swatted his paw away before he got any.

Ty Lee kept sending glances towards Azula. She was right to be worried. Azula probably needed help right now. Aang got up to go check on her, muttering an explanation to Katara, who nodded, accepting it, but watched him carefully all the same.

“Hey,” he said, sitting next to Azula under her tree. “You doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, sounding a little snippy. Aang raised his eyebrows at her incredulously. She sighed. “I just… feel really alone.”

Aang settled his back into the trunk of the tree, understanding. “Oh.” The Light Chakra. The greatest illusion was that of separation. They’d reached it, which meant that she must have opened the Sound Chakra by herself. Impressive. He paused for a moment to decide to figure out how to handle this. 

Before he could say anything, Azula continued quietly, “Do you ever feel like you’re just… too different from everyone else? Like you’ll always be alone and separate because you won’t ever fit in?”

“I feel like that all the time,” Aang said, nodding. “Being the Avatar and all… I mean, I am literally the most different person from everyone else. I’m the last Air Nomad, I’m supposed to be better than everyone around me, I can bend four elements instead of just one, I’m over a hundred years old, I can’t go anywhere without people screaming and chasing after me. Right after I came out of the iceberg, I felt like no one would ever truly understand me. It’s hard to not feel alone and separate.”

Azula looked up to meet his eyes, eyebrows twisted upwards. “How do you… get to a point where… you don’t… feel like that?” she asked, picking her words carefully. “It’s not a good feeling.” She rested her chin on her knees.

“Well, think about this.” Aang paused, searching for words. “People who are exactly like each other, do you think they’d get along well?”

Azula’s eyebrows knitted together as she considered. “No,” she said finally. “Well, sometimes they’d get along great, but I think for people to get along really well they have to… fill in each other’s gaps.” She demonstrated by clasping her hands together, fitting each finger into the groove of the opposite fingers. “Like this. Because when two people who are exactly the same have an argument… it’s never-ending.”

Aang nodded, feeling a little bit like a school teacher. “Right.”

Azula sighed. “So I guess what you’re trying to get me to see is being different from other people isn’t really a bad thing.”

“True,” Aang agreed, “but also I’d like you to understand that you’re not really all that different at all.”

Her eyebrows furrowed even further. “Not really different?”

“Here, let me explain.” He picked up a small white stone from the ground next to him and held it out. “What’s this?”

She gave him her signature how can you be this stupid look. “It’s a rock,” she said, with an unimpressed expression.

“Right.” He picked up another one, this one a speckled gray, and said, “And what’s this?”

“A rock.”

“Yes.” He held them out, side by side. “Look at them next to each other.” She looked. “They’re different, right?”

She nodded, and Aang saw an understanding light come on in her eyes.

“They’re not the same at all,” Aang continued. “This one is gray and speckly and this one is white. They’re probably made of different materials, and they look different. If we licked them right now they might even taste different. They probably had very different paths they took to get to this spot right now. But…” He put them in one hand so they were touching. “They’re both rocks.”

Azula took them from his hand and looked over them closely.

“People…” Aang said slowly, “are kind of like rocks.” He laughed. “I mean that in the best way possible.” Azula smiled. “We all look different on the outside, and we all have different history and cultures and thoughts and ideas and experiences. We’re all made up of different stuff. I’ve never tried licking anyone, but we probably all taste different. We all smell different. We have different ways of thinking, and different personalities. But we’re all just people. I’m a person, you’re a person. We’re different people, but we’re still people. Those rocks are different rocks, but they are both rocks. They share… their rockiness.

“You really think you’re that much different from me? From Mai? From Katara?” he asked, gesturing over to the circle of Kyoshi Warriors and company. Her eyes followed his hand and she looked thoughtfully at them all. “Or, thinking even broader, do you really think you're that much different from that tree?” 

Azula’s head whipped around to give him a bewildered look. “Yes, I think I’m very different from that tree. I have a brain .”

He nodded. “Yes, you do. But you know what you share with the tree?” He gestured around the clearing. “You need water and earth to survive. You need the air around you, and you need the sunlight above you, just like the tree. You, just like the tree, are alive. You depend on the environment as much as it does. You depend on it and it depends on you. We’re all just one bunch of living things, trying to stay alive on this earth. We’re not different, really. We’re all here, living and breathing together. Everything is connected.”

Azula looked around thoughtfully and Aang felt a wave of triumph rush through him as he silently thanked the swamp guy for helping him. (He knew his name was Huu, but Katara and Sokka had gotten Aang into the habit of calling him “the swamp guy.”)

“So, what do you think?” he asked Azula hopefully, after a long silence.

“I think you’re crazy,” Azula said bluntly. Aang felt his heart plummet in his chest. “And also…” Azula added, “I think you’re right. Maybe. I don’t know. I need to think about it.”

“But what do you think about being alone?” Aang prompted.

She smiled at him. “I guess I'm not alone. I’m just one person in a large group of many, many people. I’m not alone because I’m just a part of everything around me.”

She frowned slightly, looking around. “The world is kind of like a big machine,” she continued, and Aang slumped back in relief as he realized she understood. “It’s full of little parts. Some parts are so similar to others they almost look exactly the same. And some parts are so different it’s hard to understand how they both fit into the mix. But they all work together in harmony, each part fitting into the next easily and perfectly. Sometimes the parts fall out of place, but they always find a way back together. Sometimes the parts get old and get replaced with new parts, but the machine keeps going, everything working together. No individual part is different, no individual part is unimportant. They’re all needed to make the machine work. So, I understand that now. I’m not alone, I’m just one part of a big whole.” Aang allowed himself another moment of triumph. Light Chakra opened. Victory.

Her eyebrows furrowed together and she shook her head. “What I don’t understand is what the point is. What’s the point to the machine? What’s the common goal?”

Aang pursed his lips together thoughtfully. “I’m not sure that it really matters,” he said, shrugging. “I think all that matters is that we keep the machine working. That we all work to not break the world.”

Azula nodded. “I can accept that.”

Aang’s face broke into a smile and he stood up. “Good. Now, would you like to come over there, or would you like to stay here by yourself?”

Azula looked over at the group, biting her lip. “I want to stay here,” she said finally. “Because if I’m going to be the topic of conversation, I don’t want to be there for it.”

“That’s understandable,” Aang said. “Well, if you want to come over, just come over and I’ll get them to lay off you.”

She nodded, giving him a grateful smile. “Thank you, Aang.”

How far she’d come! She’d gone from looks of hatred and spite to grateful smiles and laughs. Aang beamed at her and then skipped off to rejoin the Kyoshi Warriors, feeling perfectly safe to leave her behind, absolutely certain that they’d passed the slipping point, that Azula was fine now and he didn’t have to worry about her dropping back into her own ways. He felt as though the time when it would be dangerous to leave her alone had passed, and he could sleep peacefully again. She was going to be okay. 

He nudged Katara’s back with his hand. Now it was time for him to face a potentially much more painful conversation about Azula. She looked up over her shoulder at him, immediately saw that he needed to talk, and excused herself from the circle. They waded into the river and pretended to be practicing waterbending while they talked.

“So… Azula,” she said, pulling up a stream of water and throwing it at him. He caught it easily, and threw it back, putting in a little healing power as it left his fingers so he’d be helping her while making her angry.

“Azula,” he agreed.

She raised her eyebrows and he sighed. 

“I don’t want to put her back in prison.”

Katara dropped the water in surprise. “What?” she hissed, marching across the river so she was right in front of him. “That’s the most stupid thing you’ve ever said! Of course she needs to go back to prison!”

Aang gave her an annoyed look and she backed up again, letting him explain. “I thought that at first too. I was going to literally tackle her to the ground and drag her back in chains if she tried to escape. But then…” he looked over at her, “she changed. “And now she’s different. She’s nice, actually. She’s made a lot of progress.”

“But, Aang, she killed you.”

“Sokka banished me from your village,” Aang pointed out. “Zuko tried to kill me like fifteen different times.”

Katara nodded slowly, picking up the water again and passing it to him. “Aang, I’m not going to stop you from doing this. I’m not sure that it’s a good idea, but… I trust you. If you think she’s changed, I’m fine with it.” She suddenly seemed to realize something and asked, “But what are you going to do-- just let her go?”

Aang shook his head, passing the water back. “No, I was maybe thinking I could take her to the Southern Air Temple? It’s kind of quiet and peaceful. And there are air acolytes up there so she wouldn’t be alone, but she wouldn’t feel baby sat, you know?”

“Is that too isolated? Will she feel alone?”

“I don’t think so. The Southern Air Temple is also a good spot because it’s easy for me to visit, so I could come over any time I'm passing by.”

“And then what?” she asked, wiggling the water like a snake over to him. “Leave her there until she dies?”

“Good point.”

There was a long silence while they thought about it, passing the water back and forth between themselves. 

“You could reintroduce her to society,” Katara suggested slowly. “Bring each of us up there to talk to her, get to know her a little until she feels comfortable with us, and then move her back up to the Fire Nation palace. You know what I mean? Like, slowly bring her back.”

“That’s a great idea!” Aang nodded, sending the water flying at Katara a little more aggressively than usual. “Then we could catch her if she seems like she’s slipping, and it won’t feel like we don’t trust her, and she’ll be happy for all her days!” He grinned, caught the water as she passed it back, and threw it into the air so it fell in little droplets down on both of them. “I love you so much!”

She rolled her eyes, even though she was grinning at his excitement. “It’s only because I let you do what you want.”

“No, it’s because you’re really nice and smart and thoughtful and you make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Can we get married and have kids?”

Katara burst out laughing. Aang felt his cheeks start to burn and he sank down into the river in embarrassment, until the water was covering everything from his nose down. “Did you seriously just propose to me?” she asked him, still giggling.

“No!” he protested, emerging from the river. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

She snorted and splashed some water onto his head. “We can get married when we’re much, much older, okay?”

“Yes, I know ,” Aang said, rolling his eyes and splashing her back. “I wasn’t planning on getting married at fourteen. And I hope you weren’t planning on getting married at just barely sixteen.”

“Just barely sixteen, going on seventeen,” she teased, pulling a bubble of water out of the river and throwing it at him. He managed to catch it just in time and threw it back at her. She dived under the water to avoid getting splashed and came out perfectly dry, bringing up an arm to bend a huge wave at him. He cut his way through it and rolled the water at her. She dived over it and tackled him, kissing him underwater as he fell. Then she popped back up and helped him to his feet.

“You’re so cute,” she said as they waded out of the water.

“I wasn’t trying to be cute,” he muttered.

“I know,” she giggled, threading her fingers through his. “That’s why it was cute.” 

“Wait,” he said, stopping and pulling on her arm so she was facing him. “So you think it’s an okay idea to not send Azula back to prison? You don’t think I’m crazy?”

“Oh, I think you’re crazy,” she said. “But I love you and I trust you and I think this might actually work.”

He relaxed, smiling at her, and allowed himself to be led back to the Kyoshi Warrior circle. Katara plopped down in her old spot. “Aang just proposed ,” she informed the group, smirking.

“I did not!” Aang yelled, feeling himself blushing again as everyone laughed.

Aang shot a look over at Azula as everyone started talking again, most of the conversation centered on teasing him. She was watching them quietly over from her tree, and Appa was asleep right next to her, perfectly at peace. Aang relaxed as he turned back to the circle. Appa trusted Azula. Everything was going to be fine.

Chapter 10: Azula Finds Freedom

Notes:

DID YOU ASK FOR SOME HAIR SYMBOLISM???
no one asked for hair symbolism, actually, but you're all getting some anyway.
TW// implied past abuse, hallucinations, beginnings of a panic attack, very very minor self harm, low self-esteem
but that's it! it's a pg chapter haha

Chapter Text

Quietly enjoying herself under the tree next to Appa, Azula had peacefully watched as Aang and Katara left their seats to go play in the water and then had come back and started a group “let’s all laugh at Aang” session. She wasn’t entirely sure what they were all laughing about, but it sounded as though Aang had accidentally proposed to Katara and was now getting mocked for it. 

Azula was surprised by Aang. She’d expected him to be harboring his bitterness towards her, to still be holding something against her. But he hadn’t done that at all. He was acting almost as though nothing had happened, as though she was still the same person she had been before she betrayed him to the Dai Li. Again, Azula was amazed by his incredible capacity for forgiveness. He gave it in the blink of an eye, without hesitation, almost as though it took zero thought and was second nature. But it wasn’t easy for him, it couldn’t be easy for him, because he, of all people, had lost the most to Azula, since she had taken the most away from him. Well, maybe not-- her great-grandfather Sozin would probably win the competition of who’d taken the most from him, but she was a close second. And Aang had forgiven her. Again.

As she watched him laughing with his friends, her mother walked out of the woods behind her and sat on the grass next to her. Azula looked at her stonily, refusing to lose herself. 

“I love you, Azula,” her mother said earnestly.

“Okay,” Azula said flatly. She wasn’t okay with it, she felt she’d never be okay with it, but she didn't feel like an argument.

Her mother didn’t move, didn’t leave, just stayed looking at Azula with warmth and love until finally Azula couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t stand one more second of sitting within ten feet from her mother. She got smoothly to her feet and walked cautiously up to Aang. Everyone was talking about something or other, and no one seemed to notice her except Katara. Ignoring the Waterbender’s glare, Azula tapped gently on Aang’s shoulder, eyebrows furrowing as she saw her mom watching out of her peripheral vision. He glanced back, noticed her expression and twisted around to face her more fully.

“What’s up?” he asked concernedly.

Several of the Kyoshi Warriors were watching them now, Ty Lee included, and Azula was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“I need help,” she told him, leaning down next to him and lowering her voice. “She’s back,” she said, by way of explanation, hoping that would be enough. She didn’t know if she had enough focus left in her to keep herself calm and explain any more.

Aang’s eyebrows went up in sudden understanding and he smacked himself in the forehead. Azula jerked back in surprise. She hadn’t ever seen him do that before. 

“Oh spirits, I’m so sorry, I forgot.” He shook his head, looking really apologetic. “I should have done that right away when we came back. I’m so sorry.”

Azula shook her head a little, blinking in surprise at his reaction. She hadn’t expected him to feel so upset with himself over this. “It’s fine, I just… need help. Please.”

Aang nodded, starting to his feet. “Sure, sure, sorry.” He turned to look at the assembled circle of Kyoshi Warriors, all of whom were staring openly at them now. “I’ll be right back,” he told them. 

“Do you need help?” Katara asked, looking suspiciously at Azula.

“I love you, Azula.” A flash of pain crossed Azula’s face at the sound of her mother’s voice and she forced her expression back into passivity, refusing to seem weak in front of everyone.

Aang shook his head. “No, this will only take a second, we’re fine. Be right back.” He walked off with Azula, looking her face up and down carefully. 

“You’re handling this really well,” he said in an undertone as they walked towards the river together. “You’re not screaming or trying to tear out your hair.”

Azula, who was focusing on taking deep, calming breaths, just shook her head. “Trying to stay calm,” she managed to say softly. 

“You’re doing a great job,” he told her, stopping on the river bank and pulling out a long stream of water. He held it up as it formed little water gloves over his hands. “Ready?”

She nodded and forced her muscles to relax as he placed his hands over the sides of her head. A moment later she saw the glow out of her peripheral vision and she relaxed further as his healing hands took over her head, easing it out, pulling her mother away and locking her away in the far recesses of Azula’s mind. It was only a matter of time before her mother appeared again, but for now, Aang was doing an excellent job of keeping her at bay.

“Want to talk?” Aang asked. His voice sounded normal, and Azula realized suddenly that he wasn’t in the Avatar State. Maybe he didn’t want to frighten her, or maybe he’d mastered the skill necessary to heal her head, or maybe any other reason, but Azula felt safer when he was fully himself.

“Sure,” she said.

“Tell me something. Anything.” 

“When we were in the Dai Li compound…” she waited for Aang to say something in the negative, to tell her to talk about something else, but he didn't, so she tuckered on. “I felt like myself again. But it wasn’t good. It wasn’t a good feeling. I didn’t like feeling like myself.”

“Why?” he asked.

“So much pressure. I always feel like I have to be better than everyone else.”

“You don’t.”

“I know.”

A silence fell between them as Azula considered what to say next. 

“The thing is…” she said slowly. “I don’t think I want to be a Firelord any more. I don’t want power any more. And I don’t want to please my father any more.” She sighed. “I don’t know what I want.”

After a long pause, Aang said, “That’s okay. It can take a while to figure that sort of thing out.”

“I wish I just knew what I wanted. I wish I just knew what my destiny is and who I’m going to be and what I’m going to do.” Azula was talking faster as the healing started to put a haze over her mind. “Everything would be so much easier if it was all planned out.”

“Easier,” he agreed, “but not as exciting.”

Azula sighed, settling into silence again. Finally, she asked miserably, “Who am I?” 

“You’re Azula,” Aang said.

She snorted. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Azula felt the water pull away from her head and watched it splash back into the river. 

“I think that should be good,” Aang said, coming around to look her in the eyes. “Your mom’s not still here, right?”

After a brief moment of scrutinizing everything in view, Azula shook her head. “No.” She caught Aang’s hand as he turned away. He looked back, eyebrows raised quizzically. “I know she’s not real,” she told him, feeling a sudden urge to explain herself, “and I’m sorry that I keep asking you to fix my… brain. To stop the… ” Azula trailed off, looking for the word. “Hallucination,” she settled on finally, looking up worriedly into his eyes. She wanted him to see how earnest she was, how much she genuinely was sorry to keep bothering him with this.

Aang smiled and shook his head. “Azula, she’s real to you, and that’s all that matters. If you need help, I will help you. Always. Got it?”

“Always,” she repeated, searching his eyes to make sure he was serious. He held her gaze and she smiled. “Thank you, Aang.” And she really was grateful. She’d never met anyone who cared so much as Aang. Who wanted her to get better and would throw everything aside at a moment's notice to help her. She would never be out of his debt. And she didn’t mind. Aang gave her a warm smile and walked off to rejoin his friends, who were all now watching Sokka give an animated telling of something or other. 

Her bangs slipped out of her low ponytail to fall into her eyes. She gave an exasperated sigh, grabbing them and shoving them back again. Growling to herself as they fell down again to obscure her eyes, she went to Appa’s saddle and started looking for a pair of scissors. After a moment she found them (was there nothing Aang didn’t bring?). Taking them up, she went to the river, using it as a mirror, and pulled her hair back into a low ponytail. Holding her hair in one hand, she slid the scissors across the ponytail, feeling an intense satisfaction as the long tendrils of her hair detached from her head to hang loosely in her hand. She took the scissors around to the front and cut off her bangs in a straight line above her eyebrows, done with them falling in her face. The little pieces flew away in the breeze, some of them disappearing in the river.  She was done with all of it, done with trying to keep her hair perfect, done with hiding behind it, done with it being a symbol for her insanity. Head feeling considerably lighter, she closed the scissors and looked openly at herself in the river. Her silky black hair was now just below chin length, the bottom of it a jagged line. The line didn’t bother Azula any more. It’s wildness was a sign of her freedom from herself. Her bangs fell in a flat line over her eyebrows, no longer the jagged diagonal it had been before. She held her hand, full of her black hair, out over the river, hesitated just a moment, and then let it go. The pieces fluttered out of her hand into the water and flowed swiftly down the river and out of sight.

Satisfied, Azula turned away. She went back over to Appa’s saddle and replaced the scissors. And then she settled back in her spot next to Appa, running her hand through her short hair. She liked it. It was out of the way. It was clean and wild and beautiful.

It took her precisely six minutes to start to feel insecure about it. She began to worry that she’d made the decision rashly and that maybe she should have waited to talk to Aang about it first? Her head felt so light and she probably looked like a completely different person now with her hair short and her bangs not in a sharp diagonal across her face. In the Fire Nation, it was almost unheard of to cut hair short. Hair was a symbol of beauty and dignity and honor, and she’d just chopped all hers off. Why did she do that? And what would Aang think? What would Ty Lee think?

She curled up, pulling her hands over her head and trying desperately to stop existing. Appa grunted and shifted around a little, exposing her more to the group. She tried to shift to hide behind him again, and then gave up when she realized it was fruitless and she couldn’t move without revealing her hair. Moments later, Aang came up. He paused just in front of her, blinking at her as she tried to cover up her hair. Finally she gave up, dropped her arms and stared defiantly at him, daring him to comment on it.

His face split into a huge smile. “I love your hair like that!” he exclaimed. He reached out, eyebrows raised in permission to touch it. She gave him a short nod and he took up a piece of her hair, marvelling at how short it was. “It’s so nice!” He nodded several times, dropping her hair again. “It looks really good.” He shook his head, laughing. “Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you to cut it all off like that.”

“I regret every decision I’ve ever made,” she groaned, burying her head in her arms again.

“Hey…” he set a hand on her shoulder. “It looks good, I promise. It… I don’t know what the word is… suits you? It matches your face nicely.” He tousled his hand through it affectionately, messing it all up. It felt like something Sokka would do to Katara. As much as Azula hated to admit it to herself, the brotherly affection was nice. Aang was better at being a brother than Zuko was. “I like it,” he told her kindly, stepping away to face her again.

“I hate you,” she grumbled, emerging from behind her hands.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, brushing this off like it was old news. Which it was, when Azula really thought about it. “So, listen, we think it’s probably not a good idea to stay here with the Dai Li around.”

“Probably true,” Azula agreed.

“I’m going to have Katara go ahead on Appa with some of the Kyoshi Warriors, including Ty Lee and Mai,” he added, giving her a significant look, “and then come back for us. I’m keeping the stronger people behind-- that’s me, you, Sokka, Suki and about a quarter of the Kyoshi Warriors. We’re going to have to sort of shimmy around because Appa can’t carry all of us at the same time, and I don’t know that I can carry four people on my glider again. At least I can’t for very long. And neither can Appa.”

“So we’re going to keep taking two trips?” Azula asked, trying to clarify.

“Yes. Problem?” He asked it genuinely, as though he sincerely wanted to know if she saw anything wrong with that plan.

She pursed her lips, thinking. “Easily trackable,” she told him. “But probably faster. I think you’re right.”

He smiled and nodded, looking glad that she agreed. “The sooner the better, right?”

“Right.”

“Oh, also--” he said suddenly, seeming to remember something. “I need to tell you something… about going back to the Fire Nation.”

Azula sighed and nodded. She’d been thinking about this, and she’d decided that as much as she hated the idea of going back to that dreaded place, she had to do it. She couldn’t be allowed to roam around, she was too dangerous and unstable. Aang probably wanted her to go back where he could keep a close eye on her and keep helping her through all the hallucination stuff. She recognized this and she was ready to go back. Reluctantly, but still.

“I’m okay with going back to prison,” she said, at the same time Aang said, “I’m not sending you back to prison.”

They stared at each other for a solid minute, Aang looking amused and surprised, and Azula falling into straight-up shock.

You’re not sending me back to prison? ” she shrieked, unable to even comprehend how this could be possible. 

Several of the Kyoshi Warriors sent questioning looks their way. Aang gave them a cheery wave and they all turned their attention to Katara, who was simultaneously glaring at Aang and talking, probably explaining what the heck was going on, an explanation that Azula would have appreciated at this moment. Azula continued staring at Aang in utter shock, feeling so confused and so relieved. 

“You’re not sending me back to prison?” she hissed in a tone more conducive to the environment.

“Nope.”

“What? But-- how-- why-- but I thought that was your plan all along?”

He gave a noncommittal shrug. “It was. Now it’s not.”

“But, Aang,” she protested, still not sure how he’d come to the conclusion that she shouldn’t go back to prison, “I’m dangerous .”

He cocked an eyebrow, still looking amused. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

She shook her head violently. “No, no.” She didn’t want to go back to prison, but she was willing to do it a hundred times over to make Aang happy. And now he didn’t want her to? What even was that? “No, I don’t want to go back.” She shook her head again, trying to make sense of all this. “But I thought you would want me to,” she said, eyebrows twisting up in her confusion. Her mouth stumbled around for the words she needed next. “What-- what-- I don’t-- why? Why don’t you…” she trailed off, totally bewildered.

“Because, Azula,” he said, evidently not needing the rest of the question, “I don’t think it would be healthy for you.”

She almost burst into tears. Aang was so nice

“But Aang,” she said, unable to ignore the one huge, painful flaw in this idea, “I… I might hurt someone.” As much as she hated to admit it to him, and to herself, she was dangerous. She was someone who had killed the Avatar, someone who might not be in full control of her own mind and actions. Letting her loose… not putting her in prison, could do much more harm than good.

“Yeah, I know,” Aang said, surprising Azula again as he nodded. “That’s why I thought you could go to the Southern Air Temple. It’s quiet and secluded, but big enough it won’t feel like a prison and super easy for me to get to. There are like three Air Acolytes up there too, so you won’t be completely alone if you need anything. Alone enough not to hurt anyone, but also not in prison.” He raised his eyebrows. “How does that sound?”

The Southern Air Temple. Warmth flooded Azula’s chest as she remembered the place. It had been so peaceful, so open and wild and free, but calm all at the same time. And she could live there. All the time. Azula’s throat felt closed off, like she was about to cry, so she just nodded, smiling at Aang through pursed lips.

He looked relieved. “Great. Now, let’s go!”

Aang hustled around for the next ten minutes, prompting people to move quickly, until about three-quarters of them all were on Appa. Then Katara, who was on Appa’s head, nudged the bison forward and they took off. 

It was a stressful couple minutes until Katara returned. Aang was clearly on edge and worried about being ambushed. Azula wasn’t nearly as stressed. The Dai Li were obviously falling apart. They had no clue what they were doing. It would have been much more effective to give Aang a ridiculously short time limit right away and make him solve a series of puzzles or riddles to find the Dai Li’s base. That way, by the time Aang actually managed to find them, he would be sleep deprived, desperate, and completely unprepared for a fight. In that weakened state, he’d be completely vulnerable to any attacks! The Avatar would be rendered--

Azula froze as she realized what she was doing, glancing nervously over at Aang, who didn’t seem to think anything was wrong. Maybe nothing was wrong. It wasn’t like Azula was going to act on this very usable plan. It was okay to fantasize about it. Right?

Just then, Appa reappeared, giving Azula a welcome distraction from her thoughts as Aang ushered everyone onto the saddle. She sat near the front of the saddle this time, as close to Aang as she could reasonably get without making Katara overprotective. They took off and flew for a few minutes, going several miles, before landing. 

The process continued until they were far enough away that Aang relaxed and let them shift into longer stretches of flight. On one of the transition periods between these stretches, Ty Lee and Mai peeled away from the group, looking determinedly at Azula. Mai looked like there was no place she would hate being more than this, but then again, she always looked like that. Azula felt herself shrinking into herself a little as they approached. Aang was distracted with Sokka, who had just face planted and broken his nose across the clearing, so she had to deal with this by herself.

“Hi, Azula!” Ty Lee said brightly, the tiniest bit of strain audible in her voice. She elbowed Mai in the ribs. 

Mai sighed. “Hello.”

“We thought we’d come say hi and, um, catch up?” Ty Lee said, looking worried and nervous. Azula supposed that was expected, especially considering how their last conversation had ended.

“Hello,” she said guardedly, crossing her arms around her waist. “Mmm... how are you?” Aang seemed to think that was a good way to start conversations, so she figured that she’d try it.

Ty Lee relaxed visibility, grinning widely. “We’re really great! I joined the Kyoshi Warriors, and Mai has a new boyfriend ,” she said, drawing out the last word like it was a huge piece of gossip and then elbowing Mai in the ribs again.

“I thought you…” Azula frowned, trying to remember what Ty Lee had said once before, on the beach. “I thought you said you didn't like being part of a matched set?” 

Looking marginally surprised that Azula had remembered, Ty Lee nodded. “Yeah, but the Kyoshi Warriors aren’t like that! They’re actually super cool! We sometimes spar with each other, and everyone’s unique in their own way but works as a team and stuff. It’s like we put on a mask of all being the same, but underneath that, we’re all super different.” She did a spin on her toe, flinging her arms up. “It’s great!”

Azula nodded, giving Ty Lee a tight smile. “And, um, new boyfriend?” she asked, turning to Mai. This whole “caring about other people’s feelings” thing was hard.

Mai shrugged, but she looked just as surprised as Ty Lee did at Azula’s interest, to the extent that Mai ever showed surprise. “Having a boyfriend who doesn’t have random periods of intense insecurity is nice, I guess,” she said. “I love Zuko, but there are only so many times I can handle him pushing me away because he ‘doesn’t want me to get hurt’ before I get fed up with it.”

“I think trust issues run in the family,” Azula said, grinning a little, before she realized that this wasn’t Aang, and she’d just joked with Ty Lee and Mai and holy shit what was she doing, were they going to hate her from here on out and push her away because she’d gotten too relaxed and different? She hadn’t gotten to know them well enough again to make self-deprecating humor! They were going to hate her, spirits, they hated her already and it was two minutes into a simple conversation. What did she just do?

Mai and Ty Lee were looking at her like she was a complete stranger, but then Ty Lee burst into peals of laughter and the tension was broken.

“Did you just make a joke?” Mai asked incredulously.

“Ummm, sorry,” Azula said, wincing and rubbing the back of her head with one hand. “I guess I sort of got in the habit of joking around Aang and didn’t snap out of it, sorry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a bad thing!” Ty Lee reassured her, laughing light still hanging around her eyes and great spirits, she was pretty. When was the last time Azula had seen her genuinely laugh like that? It had been a long time. She suddenly felt a strange urge to kiss Ty Lee, and she pushed it down, guilt pressing against her chest. “We just haven’t ever heard you joke like that before! It was funny,” she said, pulling her braid over her shoulder and running her hands down it, grinning.

“You aren’t… you aren’t mad?” Azula asked, eyebrows twisting nervously.

“Why on earth would we be mad about a joke?” Ty Lee asked, looking confused.

Mai sighed again. “Wow, your father really messed with your head, Azula. It’s just a joke, no one’s dying .”

Ty Lee nodded in agreement. “Don’t worry, Azula! Everything’s fine!”

Azula stared at the two of them. Mai had just… and Ty Lee… “What?” Her breath sped up and she could feel a panic attack coming but why didn’t they hate her? After everything she’d done, they were acting like she was still their friend? If she’d ever been their friend. How could these people give their trust so easily? How could they give it to her without an ounce of fear that she’d break it? She couldn’t understand it. They were both stronger than she’d ever be. “Aren’t you-- aren’t you mad at me?” she asked, words falling haltingly out of her mouth. “For what I did… for everything I did?”

Ty Lee and Mai shared a look. “Nope!” Ty Lee said decisively. “Well... a little bit," she conceded, shifting her feet slightly and looking nervous again. "I mean. You did throw us in prison. But then, I guess it was kind of our fault too? But also like... all the intimidation stuff wasn't great, because we were supposed to be friends. But you've always been a little hard to be around, Azula. We sort of always expected you to do stuff like that.”

“Besides, you seem better now,” Mai drawled, giving off the feeling that she didn’t care. However, Azula had been around her enough by now to know that when Mai acted like she didn’t care about something, chances were that she really did.

Ty Lee nodded enthusiastically. “We can be tentative friends again, if you want!”

Azula felt like she was reeling backwards, but her feet were still planted on the ground. They still wanted to be friends with her? 'Tentative friends,' but still! Were they completely stupid? Being friends with Azula was a bad idea ! People around her always got hurt, and she’d already hurt Ty Lee and Mai enough. How on earth could they want to be friends with her again? How could they put so much on the line to stay friends with such a damaging person?

“Um, are you sure?” she settled on asking, voice quavering. 

Ty Lee laughed, and Azula hated that laugh because it made her feel so relaxed and unguarded. But, no, she loved that laugh because it was beautiful, and it was Ty Lee, and it was safe. “Of course we’re sure!” Ty Lee said, like it was obvious. Mai nodded emphatically. “We like you most of the time, Azula! We wouldn’t have stuck around for so long if we didn’t.”

“You’re a little awkward,” Mai said, “and you can be kind of scary sometimes, but it’s fun to be around you nine times out of ten.”

“I’m so sorry for what I did to you, both of you,” Azula whispered. Across the clearing, she saw Aang catch sight of what was going on and take a few nervous steps towards her, clearly worried. She caught his eye and gave him a tiny, almost imperceptible shake of her head. She needed to clear all this up by herself . Aang probably would make the process go faster, but this was something she wanted to be able to take care of alone. He narrowed his eyes a little, but stopped, watching from a distance. “I was… I wasn’t very kind, and I assumed that you were too afraid of me to ever leave. So when you tried to, or when I thought you were leaving, I panicked and I… lashed out, I guess. I’m so sorry,” she repeated, lowering her eyes to look at their feet.

Ty Lee and Mai shared a look.

“I wouldn’t have done what I did if I didn’t have to save my stupid boyfriend,” Mai said, shrugging. “And then I was angry because you were attacking him, so I guess I said some hurtful things. Hurtful things which I meant,” she added sharply, "but maybe didn't need to be said," she finished with a resigned tone.

“And I only hit you because I didn’t want you to hurt Mai,” Ty Lee said, looking worried. “I didn’t want you to hurt her, or hurt yourself psychologically in the process.”

“I think it’s safe to say that we’re both sorry too,” Mai told her.

Azula felt her chin wobble and she forced her tears down. “I don’t think you have anything to be sorry for, but thank you, anyway.”

“Tentative friends again, then?” Ty Lee said, bobbing slightly on the balls of her toes.

Azula gave her a tight smile. “Sure, tentative friends,” she agreed. “But you have to tell me if I’m being a jerk again, because I don’t think I have the self-awareness to notice.”

“Deal,” Mai said immediately. “That seems fair.”

Ty Lee danced off, laughing happily. Azula watched her go. She didn’t have the courage to tell Ty Lee how she really felt, not yet. Eventually she would, maybe. Hopefully.

“You know,” Mai said, nudging Azula’s arm, “this might be out of line, but she’s not going anywhere. You can wait to get yourself together before telling her how you feel.”

Surprised, Azula took a step away, looking at Mai. “How could you tell?”

Mai gave her a thin-lipped smile. “I have some experience with hiding my feelings. That means I’m also pretty good at reading them. You like her a lot, and she likes you too. Don’t worry so much. Everything’s fine.”

“And you know so much about love, with your two boyfriends,” Azula said, rolling her eyes, and hoping desperately that Mai would know she was joking.

“One boyfriend, one ex-boyfriend with serious trust issues,” Mai corrected, grinning.

“Well, I’ve never dated anyone, so I can’t say I relate.”

Mai laughed softly, but the sound was strange. Azula considered, and came to the conclusion that she had never heard Mai laugh before. She was glad Mai was starting to relax and show how she felt. Maybe they were all growing. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, Azula,” Mai said, eyes shining with sincerity. “You’re fun to be around when you're like this. I kind of missed it.”

Azula ducked her head. “I’m glad too,” she said softly.

Mai smiled at her a little and then walked away to rejoin Ty Lee and the Kyoshi Warriors.

Turning and meeting Aang’s eyes, Azula smiled. He visibly relaxed, grinning back. 

Azula was going to the Southern Air Temple, she had a really bad haircut, and she had her friends back. Her life was finally starting to take its own shape, away from the influence of her father. And she couldn’t be happier.

Chapter 11: Aang Can Breathe Again

Notes:

Don't hate me for this but I've decided to add another chapter. A little short one.
AND I'M SO SORRY THIS ONE TOOK SO LONG!!! Really, really sorry. I hate it when people take forever to post new chapters and I feel SO BAD. But college started and I got distracted and then ooof. But it's okay because I'm here now with a new chapter for you!
tw for a tiny panic attack, implied hallucination

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“So how did Zuko take it?” Azula asked, by way of greeting. They were on one of the balconies of the Air Temple, Azula leaning against the banister and facing Aang, who was just exiting the building beyond.  It had been two weeks since the last time they’d seen each other, when Aang had dropped Azula off with promises to be back as soon as he could. She looked fine now-- great, even. Her short hair was half-up in a tiny bun, and she looked happy enough. Her improvement was definitely visible.

He gave her a crooked smile. “Really want to know?”

She considered for a moment before smiling and shaking her head. “No. I really don’t.”

Aang laughed, walking forward to lean on the banister next to her and look out over the temple. “We’ll just say the temperature of the room spiked significantly,” he said, smirking.

That was an understatement, actually. Zuko had completely lost control of his flames for a moment, and every fire in the room burst into a roaring torrent before going out. Then he had yelled at Aang for a solid ten minutes, while Aang stood there and bore it. Katara kept trying to interrupt, but Zuko was mid-rant and could not be stopped. When Aang finally managed to get a word in to explain his reasoning, Zuko calmed down enough to just glare at him. He continued silently glaring until Aang reminded him that the Dai Li still needed to be taken care of, and he stormed off to organize countermeasures. Still, Aang and Katara had both agreed that Zuko probably shouldn’t be informed where Azula was, just in case. They didn’t know what he would do if he had that information, and didn’t particularly want to find out.

“I’m sure it did,” Azula responded, turning around to look out over the temple with him.

He looked over at her, at her peaceful expression, and smiled a little. She’d come so far, and at last she was in balance. It was beautiful.

“Spirits, it’s amazing up here,” she murmured, looking out over the grounds. His smile widened. Gratitude was a color Azula hadn't ever worn before. But she was wearing it now, and proudly. It suited her. Just like it suited everyone else.

“Want to get crushed at Pai Sho?” he asked, pushing off from the banister and walking backwards a few steps.

She turned around, grinning. “What makes you so sure I’ll be the one getting crushed?”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation, following him into the building. “You will burn in the ashes of your own shame and humiliation.”

He snorted. “Sounds fun.”

And, laughing together, they went deep into the temple, and caught up with each other. Aaang had never seen Azula so natural and open, and for the first time since he’d broken her out of prison, he felt fully confident in his decision to help her. She was growing and budding into someone with potential for great good, and Aang couldn’t have been more proud.



Aang left the next day to find Toph, repeatedly promising Azula that he’d be back within five days-- and that if something came up to keep him from coming in that time frame, he’d send a messenger hawk. The contingency plan proved unnecessary, however, as he returned just in time, with Toph in tow. She’d been a little reluctant to leave her metalbending students, but had agreed to come along when he emphasized the urgency of the situation. The situation wasn’t, of course, actually urgent, but with a little use of imprecise language, Aang convinced her of how imperative it was that she come visit Azula as soon as humanly possible.

As Aang flew up on Appa, he saw Azula standing on the top balcony of the tower, hair and orange skirts whipping in the wind, clearly waiting for him. When she saw him flying up, she disappeared into the tower. Aang could imagine her sprinting down the spiral steps, maybe taking them two at a time, trying to beat him to the landing platform.

Grinning, Aang urged Aapa to go faster (much to Toph’s chagrin in the back of the saddle). Azula was not going to win this race.

Sure enough, Aang made it to the flat stone courtyard before Azula, although, to her credit, she appeared on the edge of it moments later, hair tangled, eyes shining, and completely out of breath.

“Dammit Aang!” she yelled, bending over to catch her breath.

Laughing, he jumped off Appa to greet Azula. She stood up straight as he approached, clutching at her side (Aang assumed she had a stitch).

“I hate you,” she gasped, reaching out to clasp his arm as a greeting. 

“Because my flying bison is faster than you?” he asked, smirking.

She laughed weakly and then groaned, clasping her hands around her side.  “One day,” she threatened between gasps, “I will beat you.”

“Okay,” Aang said, not believing her for a second. He gestured back to Toph, who had just finished climbing down Appa’s side and was standing a few feet behind Aang, almost hesitantly. Aang felt a little nervous about this, as it was rare for Toph to ever hesitate. Maybe she wouldn’t be as forgiving as he’d originally thought.

“Ready?” he asked Azula.

She nodded, straightening her hair compulsively.

“She can’t see your hair,” Aang reminded her, gently catching her hand as she tried to tuck her hair back. He started to pull her towards Toph, walking backwards.

She nodded and dropped her other hand from her hair, cheeks flushing a little. “Right. I knew that.”

“Everyone knows it,” Toph said in her usual bold tone from behind Aang. “But I guess it’s easy to forget I’m blind and couldn’t care less what you look like.”

“I’m sorry,” Azula said, shooting a questioning look at Aang. He grinned and nodded enthusiastically. This was going well. If Toph was making blind jokes, things were going fine. As soon as she started making fun of Azula, Aang would be able to fully relax.

“So you’re the jerk that chased us across the Earth Kingdom,” Toph said, digging a pinkie into her nose. Aang sighed in relief and gave Azula a happy look.

“Um…” Azula said, reading Aang’s face. “Yeah, sorry about… everything.”

Toph shrugged and removed her pinkie from her nose to sniff at it. “It’s fine. It was kind of fun. I mean, not really when you were trying to kill us, but kicking your butt was fun.”

“I’m… glad you enjoyed it?” Azula said, throwing a helpless look at Aang. He shrugged. Azula turned back to Toph, fidgeting a little. “So… what do you want to do?”

“Well, I’ve actually never been here before,” Toph said, feeling the ground with her  bare feet. “From what I can feel , this place is pretty big. Wanna show me around?”

Azula nodded, looking relieved.

“She just nodded,” Aang told Toph, smiling at Azula, who bushed again.

“Right,” Azula said, nodding again. She stopped nodding abruptly as  she realized what she was doing. “Well, um,” she threw another worried look at Aang. “Why don’t you follow me?” She started off, shaking her head.

Toph walked past Aang, punching him hard in the arm as she passed. “You made this seem like an emergency,” she muttered.

“Well, you fell for it,” he defended himself, rubbing his arm..

She flipped him off over her shoulder and then the two of them left, walking off in awkward, near perfect silence. Aang sat down on the ground next to Appa, making a split-second decision to not hover over Toph and Azula as they passed a few hours in awkwardness. He didn’t want either of them feeling babysat.

About three hours later, Azula returned with Toph. She still looked a little shy and unsure of herself, but she was listening to Toph talking wildly about her earthbending tournament days. When she saw Aang sitting on the ground next to Appa, her eyes lit up and she waved. He grinned and returned it, happy to see her happy, and glad that Toph had done no apparent damage to Azula in his absence.

“Hey Aang, watch this!” Toph yelled from across the platform, and she punched Azula in the shoulder with such force that Azula staggered a few feet to the side. Aang burst out laughing immediately, half relieved that Toph actually liked Azula and half amused at the bewildered expression on Azula’s face.

“Ow?” Azula said in confusion.

“That’s how I show affection,” Toph explained, shoving past Aang by jabbing an elbow into his stomach. Wheezing, he lifted his eyebrows at Azula to show that this was perfectly normal, and was actually a good thing. Azula laughed openly at his pain, rubbing at her shoulder. 

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Toph,” she said politely as Toph used her earthbending to launch herself into Appa’s saddle.

“Yeah, yeah,” Toph said dismissively, but she had a smirk on her face that showed how much she enjoyed meeting Azula too. “Now, get up here Aang, I’ve gotta get back to my school.”

Aang looked curiously at Azula, checking to see if she was all right. Catching the look, she gave him a small smile and a nod. Relieved, he twisted the air around him to give himself a boost as he jumped onto Appa’s head. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he said to Azula from Appa’s head. “Definitely sometime within two weeks, okay?”

She nodded. “Don’t worry about me. I have a lot of books to read.”

He laughed. “Okay! Bye, then.” He flicked Appa’s reins. “Yip yip!”

Azula waved them off as Toph wrapped her arms securely through one of the loops of the saddle. Appa took off and within minutes the temple was gone from view, hidden behind a mass of clouds.

“Aang,” Toph called from the back. “You’re an idiot, but she seems better, so, uh. I guess you’re not a total dunderhead.”

The corners of Aang’s lips twisted up into a smile. “She did all the work. I just guided her a little.”

“Hmm. She’s nice now. She was a monster before but now she’s like a… like a turtleduck. I guess what I’m trying to say is-- good job.”

“Thanks.” Aang settled back on Appa’s head with a happy smile. So Toph was persuaded. One person down. Everyone else to go.



Suki, to Aang’s surprise, handled the visit even better than Toph had. Right out of the gate, she told Azula her feelings about Azula, how angry she was. And then (just as Aang was starting to regret doing Suki before Sokka), she pulled Azula into a hug and forgave her for everything.

It was so beautiful Aang almost started crying.

But then Azula shot him a don’t you dare look and Suki shot him a are you seriously crying again look, and Aang pushed down his tears and sat back as Azula and Suki started trying to get to know each other, making tentative conversation. 

And they actually had a lot in common, more in common than Aang would have guessed. They were both generally suspicious people, and both badass female warriors. They shared similar taste in make-up. They talked a lot about the Kyoshi Warriors in general, as Azula had spent time in uniform.

And Azula seemed almost sad when Suki had to go. She certainly seemed more balanced and at peace after her conversation with Suki, and Aang couldn’t help but feel proud of himself for choosing to do Suki before Sokka.



Aang was in a hurry. Somehow Zuko had figured out where Azula was and then he’d actually gone there, which was super stressful. Aang had managed to get wind of it fast enough to follow after, but Zuko still managed to get to the Air Temple before him and Aang now found himself sprinting up the temple, trying to stop Zuko from getting to Azula. She was better now, sure, but seeing Zuko right now could still be really damaging for her, and he didn’t want to risk it.

He burst into the hallway just as Zuko was reaching out for the door and gasped, “Zuko, what are you doing?”

He barely glanced over his shoulder. “I’m coming to see her.”

“No, Zuko.” Aang ran and planted himself right in front of the door, blocking his royal shortness. It was rare to see Aang ever truly put his foot down, and if Zuko hadn’t been so set on getting past Aang he might have paused and stepped back. “You can’t see her,” Aang said firmly.

“She’s my sister,” Zuko insisted, trying to push past Aang.

Aang was having none of it. “I don’t care. You can’t see her.”

Flabbergasted, Zuko threw up his hands, giving up on getting past Aang for the moment. “Why not?”

“Because it’s not safe for Azula to be around you right now, and she doesn’t want to see you,” Aang said, forcing his voice to remain low and calm, instead of yelling in frustration.

“Doesn’t want to-- I’m the Firelord!” Zuko yelled.

Unflinching, Aang responded, “I don’t care.”

“I can see whoever I want!”

“You can’t see Azula.”

“Toph got to see her!” Zuko protested, back to trying to shove Aang out of the way.

“Toph didn’t scream at me in the middle of the hallway,” Aang retorted, voice rising in anger. “Zuko, Toph has ten times the emotional maturity you do, and she’s thirteen! Let Azula alone!” He punctuated the last word by shoving Zuko off of him into the opposite wall.

“She’s my sister!” Zuko spluttered, regaining his footing and reapproaching Aang.

“Then you should respect her space and let her heal,” Aang snapped.

“I am the Firelord ,” Zuko growled, poking his index finger into Aang’s chest. “You can’t--”

“Well, I’m the Avatar,” Aang replied shortly. He rarely played this card, but it was a dire circumstance. Plus, Zuko had flaunted his power first, so Aang figured he was justified in doing it right back. “My authority trumps yours. You can’t see her. I don’t know how in the world you got up here, but it’s time for you to leave. Now.”

The hallway went dead silent as Zuko glared at Aang. The whole world seemed to be holding its breath, waiting to see what he would do.

“Fine,” he said shortly, bowing to Aang. “I’m sorry if I crossed a line, Avatar.”

Aang forced himself to hold still, chin high, hands clenched into tight fists as Zuko stormed back down the stairs. Finally, he heard the door at the bottom of the stairs slam shut and he slumped back into Azula’s door, gasping for air. That had been one of the most difficult things he’d ever done. Hoping he’d made the right choice to protect Azula, and hadn’t just ruined one of his best friendships, he turned around and tentatively opened Azula’s door.

Azula was standing just inside the door, looking sad and frightened and vulnerable. As soon as she saw Aang, she buried her face in her hands and turned right around, facing her back to him, shoulders shaking as she was clearly trying to suppress tears, and hide them. 

“Hey,” Aang said quietly, tentatively reaching out a hand toward her back, but not touching it, fingers hovering just over her shoulder blade. He wasn't entirely sure what to do right now, especially since in the past, Azula had never really seemed to react to touch well. He settled on just saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

A huge shudder ran through her body and Aang made a split second decision to drop his hand onto her back. She probably needed the grounding point.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered when Azula didn't jerk away from his palm, now completely certain that he’d made the right choice to kick Zuko out, even if it was at the cost of their friendship. 

“Th-thanks,” Azula gasped into her hands, entire body shaking under his palm. “Thank--thank you.”

Aang didn’t know what to do with this. He didn’t know how to help someone stop crying-- and she was definitely crying now, he could see the tears dripping to the floor. He didn’t know what she needed right now. Not for the first time since he’d broken Azula out of prison, he wished Sokka was here. Sokka was really good at this kind of thing. He knew just what to say, when to joke around and when to sit still and listen. Aang didn’t know what Sokka would do here, so he just held still, keeping one hand rested on Azula's back while she cried.

“It’s okay,” he murmured quietly after a long silence in which he felt increasingly uncomfortable. Azula was clearly trying to stop crying now, taking short breaths and barely exhaling as she tried to calm down. “Just breathe,” he said softly.

She pulled away from his hand, wiping her hands under her eyes a few time before he could see the remaining tears. “Sorry,” she gasped, taking a few shuddering breaths and releasing them slowly.

“It’s okay,” Aang said again, uncertain of what to say. “I’m here for you,” he finished finally. She turned around, giving him an unsure look. Her face was blotchy and red, and her dark eyelashes were heavy and wet, but she met his eyes and held them, searching for something. Maybe looking for a lie behind his words. But there wasn't one to find. If she needed him, he would try to find a way to get to her. Whenever. He didn’t really know how to tell her that, but he hoped beyond hope that she knew.



Aang decided to do Sokka and Katara together. The two of them were a natural pair, and their banter would probably put Azula at ease. Plus, it was a good idea to have Sokka around as a way to balance out Katara’s rage and stubbornness, and Katara there to balance out Sokka’s protectiveness and lack of focus. 

When they landed, Azula was standing considerably further back than she had been for Toph, looking very nervous. Aang waved energetically as Katara slipped off Appa, looking very suspicious. Sokka wasn’t looking any better.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Aang?” he asked, watching Azula warily.

“Yep!”

“She tried to kill me! And you! And Katara! And literally everyone we know !”

“When did she try to kill you ?” Katara asked snarkily, putting her hands on her hips. “I don’t remember that.”

“You weren’t there,” he said, crossing his arms.

“Oh, really? Does this happen to be when you and Zuko decided to go off on your own and break into a high security prison ?”

Aang bit back a grin as Sokka started shuffling his feet, looking guilty. Katara still hadn’t let this go.

“But it worked, though,” Sokka tried to defend himself.

“That doesn’t excuse--”

“Guys!” Aang interrupted, bouncing on his toes. “Azula…”

“Oh, right,” Sokka said, turning and looking at Azula again through narrowed eyes. “Okay, let’s approach slowly and make sure--”

“Oh, for spirit’s sake,” Katara said with an eye roll, grabbing Sokka’s arm. She dragged him all the way to Azula, Aang bounding over beside her. “Hi,” Katara said tersely, releasing Sokka’s arm. He shot her a dirty look, rubbing it.

“Hello,” Azula said, glancing nervously at Aang. He shrugged a little, shooting her a tiny smile. Things were fine as of the moment, but he had no idea how this conversation was going to go. His hopes were that it would go very well.

“So,” Sokka said, putting a hand on his chin like he was deep in thought. “You.” He didn’t seem like he had anywhere else to go with that, so Katara took over.

“We’re a little angry with you,” she said honestly, clasping her hands in front of her. “For obvious reasons, but, um, we’re willing to try to work towards forgiveness, if you’re willing to let us try.”

“Don’t speak for me!” Sokka said, glaring at his sister.

Katara sighed. “Sure, okay, what would you like to say, Sokka?”

Sokka pointed at Azula angrily. “You took Suki.”

“I did,” she admitted, expression stony. It softened a moment later. “I’m sorry.”

Sokka blinked in surprise, glancing over at Aang, who nodded. This was who Azula was now. Someone who apologized for her past, and worked to correct her future.

Returning his gaze back to Azula, Sokka frowned at her for a long moment, clearly lost in thought. Then he shrugged. “Okay. What Katara said, then.”

And Aang beamed.



When Aang came back from dropping off Katara and Sokka in the Southern Water Tribe, Azula was waiting for him on the landing platform, standing in front of what looked like a baby bison. Heart speeding up considerably, Aang pulled Appa into land. It couldn’t be possible. All the flying bison had died-- it wasn’t possible for Azula to be with one now. He hopped off Appa’s head before the bison had even fully landed, coming lightly to the ground twenty feet in front of Azula. She smiled and waved.

“Look what I found!” she called, gesturing to what was unmistakably a baby flying bison. The little thing gave her a huge lick and she laughed, pushing its head away.

Aang couldn’t speak. Tears flooded his eyes as he looked at the little bison, another remnant of his culture that had survived the war.

“How…” he choked out, reaching up and clinging to Appa's fur for support.

“I found a whole herd of them,” Azula said enthusiastically. “They must have just been hiding out here in the mountains, and now that the war’s over they feel safe to fly around again.” Aang gave a tight, happy sob as he looked at the baby.

“The little bison started licking Azula again. She put both hands on its tongue, trying to get it to stop slobbering all over her. Aang’s eyes widened in surprise. 

“This one is strangely attached,” she explained as it gave her such a big lick that she staggered a few feet to the side, chuckling.

Aang stared. He’d seen bison behave like this before, and it could only mean one thing. “Azula… that bison is more than just attached, it--” he didn’t understand how this could be possible, but, “it’s chosen you.”

She gave him a bewildered look, laughter dying in her eyes. “What?”

He didn’t know how to put it any more clearly. “It’s yours and you’re its. Like me and Appa.”

Azula’s smile dropped completely and she stared at him in shock as the bison started butting its head against her waist. “ What? ” she repeated. “But I’m not an Airbender-- how is that-- how…”

Aang didn’t know, and quite frankly, he didn’t care. He laughed and shrugged. “I have no idea. What are you going to name her?” he asked, checking the back of the bison’s tail for the gender markings.

“Her?” Azula repeated weakly, still looking like she was in shock.

“I can’t believe you have a bison now!” Aang exclaimed, wiping the remnants of his happy tears off his cheeks as he went to look the bison up and down. “She’s so cute!”

Azula didn’t respond to this. She was standing stockstill next to the bison, eyes frozen wide. Aang gave the fluffy bison a little rub, laughing as he felt the soft hairs. Baby bison hair was really soft and as they got older it grew longer and thicker to provide warmth. It had been over a hundred years since Aang had petted a baby bison (although to him it just felt like two years) and his eyes started to tear up again. He’d thought he’d never see a baby bison again.

“Wait--” Azula said jerkily. “So this bison is mine now?”

Aang nodded and the bison licked him. He laughed and hugged her furry head.

“What does that even mean?” she asked, looking straight-up horrified now.

Aang frowned, pulling away from her bison. “Well it means you have a new soulmate for life. It means you need to feed her and treat her as well as you would your own child.”

“My own child?” Azula repeated. “But I don’t have a child!”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, neither do I. Just love on her and pet her and make sure she doesn’t die.” It seemed pretty straight forward to him.

“But, Aang, I--” she froze, staring at something over Aang’s left shoulder. He glanced over to see what the matter was, but there was nothing there. Suddenly understanding, he took a few steps toward Azula, looking around for a water source.

Before he made it to Azula’s side, the little bison turned and licked Azula fully across the torso. She snapped out of her daze and met eyes with her bison. The baby made a little yipping sound and jumped for her, knocking her to the ground and licking her repeatedly until she finally gave up resisting and just let it happen, laughing a little.

Aang relaxed. The bison had somehow managed to protect Azula, to snap her out of her thoughts. And that meant Azula was no longer dependent on Aang to help her out of those phases. She had something else watching over her now too.

Smiling contentedly, Aang took a step back, watching Azula try to fend off her bison’s tongue. She was okay.

Finally, Azula was okay.

Notes:

Any bison name suggestions? I can always come up with one myself but I figured I'd ask. I'm thinking something like... Kazane or Asuga which I think are Japanese names that are related to wind. Or Makaira? Tomomi?
Edit: Ayane has now been suggested, so that is also a contender.

Chapter 12: Azula, Lotus in Bloom

Notes:

Last chapter! I loved writing this and I am so glad to be done now haha.
So it seems to me that people like Ayane as a bison name so we’re going to go with that one! It means colorful sound, which I think is pretty perfect for her. I’m a little concerned that it will be confusing because Aang Azula Appa Ayane (see the pattern?) but it’s a different enough sound to work I think.
I totally support the headcanon that Azula’s the old lady in Legend of Korra btw. You can kind of tell when you read this chapter that it’s all set up for that.
credits to glitchgamer1459 for being some of the inspiration for a part of this chapter :)
and credits to balsa_margarita for Azula's bison's name :)
Tw// mentioned panic attacks, mentioned hallucinations, implied domestic abuse

Chapter Text

Wind swept through Azula’s long hair as she stood on the balcony of the top tower at the Southern Air Temple. It tangled her skirts and danced around her before darting off to join the small herd of bison hovering in the sky several meters away. But Azula wasn’t watching the bison. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning against the breeze, letting its cool, wild energy wash over her. Sometimes, when she stood up here, she wished she was an Airbender. The way Aang could just launch himself off the balcony and bend his way to the ground without a thought was incredible. She’d been reading whatever Airbender texts she could get her hands on, learning all about the culture and the people and the bending, and she’d found that they were nothing like she’d been taught. They were so much better. And if she was an Airbender, if she’d been born into this life of peace and freedom, she never would have made half the mistakes she had. She would have had a happy childhood, where she grew up with the other kids and learned to play and laugh easily. She would only rarely feel burdened by expectation.

She sighed heavily, opening her eyes and glancing at the bison playing in the air. Ayane met her eyes and flew over, hovering in front of Azula with a worried-sounding yip. Smiling warmly, Azula stretched out a hand to her bison, chuckling quietly when Ayane aggressively pressed her head into Azula’s palm.

Ayane had grown so much since Azula had first met her. Aang said that she wasn’t a baby anymore, and Azula could start expecting signs of attempted mating. Aang had also started purposefully hiding Appa whenever he came over so Ayane didn’t start “getting ideas.” 

Azula felt old.

She wasn’t really that old, of course, but today she was feeling it. Tomorrow was her nineteenth birthday. Katara would be twenty in a month and Aang had turned eighteen last week. They had also started dating seriously recently, and were probably well on their way to getting married, making Azula feel really old. It seemed like just yesterday that Aang would blush whenever Katara was within five feet of him. And now he was carving an engagement necklace. Life moved too quickly.

Sokka had turned twenty-two a couple months ago and Suki was now just barely twenty-three, which she liked to flaunt in everyone’s face. Toph was still seventeen, and would pout whenever this was brought up. Mai was twenty-one along with Zuko, who was well on his way to dying early in life. Iroh was apparently still alive and kicking, but Azula didn’t know how old he was, nor did she have any desire to see him. 

Ty Lee was still eighteen, but would turn nineteen in about three months. A year ago, Azula had gotten up the courage to tell her how she felt and Ty Lee had fortunately told her the feelings were reciprocated. They hadn’t started dating yet, mostly because Azula refused to come down from the temple for longer than a couple days once a month, but it was nice, knowing that Azula could love Ty Lee from afar without worry.

Azula stayed in the temple as a personal choice now. Aang had told her a couple years ago that she didn’t need to stay up there any more, that she could come back whenever she wanted. Zuko had begrudgingly agreed and with some prompting from Aang, awkwardly offered her a space in the palace. She’d refused. She liked the Air Temple. It was quiet and peaceful, and no one ever looked at her or expected anything from her. She had Ayane and her entire herd, she had a few air acolytes, she had a lot of books, and she had Aang and his friends sometimes. That was all she needed. All she wanted, really. She certainly didn’t want to live in the Fire Nation palace with her brother.

Of course, after so many years, most of Aang’s friends were becoming Azula’s friends. Suki and Azula were particularly close, to everyone’s surprise, but she also got along well with Sokka and Toph. It was hard for her to be around Katara, with their history, but the Waterbender was surprisingly kind and willing to give Azula space when she needed it, or a helping hand. Azula had even started to like Zuko’s now-ex-girlfriend, Jin. She suspected that they’d be back together soon, but Zuko seemed to have trouble with long-term relationships because he worried that he’d be abandoned, so he proactively pushed people away. Luckily, Jin seemed to be the forgiving type. Azula would know.

Aang and Zuko had cleaned up all the trouble with the Dai Li, rounding up the vast majority of them and returning them to the Earth King to do with as he saw fit.

And Azula had met her mother.

It happened about a year after Aang broke her out of prison. Aang came to the temple, fidgeting on his feet and looking incredibly nervous.

“Azula, I have something to tell you but you have to promise me-- well, I guess it’s not like it’s something you can… look, Azula…” His worried gray eyes met hers and he said quietly. “Zuko found your mom.”

Azula froze, every fiber of her body tensing up as she registered the information. Her mother. Her mother was… 

“She’s alive?” Azula whispered, arms inching up to wrap around her waist.

Aang nodded, eyebrows twisting up. “I was wondering if you wanted to see her. But you can totally say no! It’s completely your decision. I was just… I was wondering.”

Azula squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the last picture she had of her mother out of her head. When the woman had scolded her for scaring Zuko, demanded information, and then disappeared without a trace. She didn’t like that image. It made her feel sick and twisted and sad in a way she rarely ever felt. 

Ayane nudged her back with her head and made a soft rumbling sound, jerking Azula out of her spiral. Unraveling her arms, Azula wrapped one around Ayane’s head, holding her bison as closely as possible.

“Not yet,” she murmured. Her small voice got swept away by the wind and she cleared her throat before saying. “I’m not ready for that yet. Soon, I think. But…” she turned and looked over the Air Temple, her home. “Not yet.”

Aang nodded, taking that in stride. “Okay. Tell me when.”

Azula smiled tightly. “I will.”

The actual meeting with her mother went better than Azula expected it to. Her mother had a new little girl now, and after getting jerked out of a “I’ve been replaced” spiral by Ayane, Azula was able to open up, just a little, to her mother.

She truly was happy to see how much her mother seemed to have improved. Until this moment, Azula really hadn’t realized how much her mother had suffered under Ozai too. Azula and Zuko clearly weren’t the only ones hurt by their father. But now that her mother had a new life, a new family, and one of her choosing, she seemed much more relaxed and happy. Although, she too, like Azula, seemed to occasionally have hallucinations or moments of panic. Her mother assured her she was working on it, and getting much better.

After meeting her mother again, Azula stopped having hallucinations.

Since that meeting, Azula and her mother had been meeting whenever Azula came down from the Air Temple, slowly mending their relationship. Funnily enough, by this time, Azula was closer to her mother than she was with Zuko. She blamed that completely on Zuko, although Aang was always quick to remind her that work for relationships went both ways, each member dependent on the other, blah blah, something like that. 

Her relationship with Zuko was… strained. It was much better than it had been in the past, but it was awkward being around him, and since neither of them were particularly good at forgiveness or friendship, it was hard trying to work their relationship to a point where they could relax around each other. Azula hadn’t realized how easy Aang made conversations until she had to deal with having stilted conversations with all his friends. He’d been making a huge effort into opening himself up for her, and she hadn’t even noticed.

Azula frowned at a speck in the distance. That was either a really big bird or… She suddenly realized it was Appa, speeding in for landing.

“Ayane!” she gasped, reaching out for her bison. “Ayane, it’s an emergency, I need to get on your back, hold still.”

She clambered over the railing and onto Ayane’s back, heart beating faster as Appa got closer and closer to the landing platform. Without even waiting to get settled, she pressed Ayane into motion, pressing her body close to the bison’s back. “Hurry, we have to beat them!” she shrieked as Ayane hurtled towards the platform. “Go faster, go faster, go faster--”

Ayane hit the landing deck seconds before Appa and Azula crowed triumphantly. “I beat you, Aang, admit it!”

Aang slid off Appa, grinning. “I wasn’t looking, so it doesn’t count.”

Azula glared at him, storming over. “You jerk!”

“Okay, okay!” he laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. “You beat me. This once.”

“Yes!” Azula did a tiny fist pump, beaming. Aang always won. It was super annoying.

“Azula one, Aang two hundred,” Aang said drily.

“Toph three thousand,” Toph said, climbing out of Appa’s saddle. Azula blinked in surprise. She’d honestly thought it was just Aang, but more company was always better.

Sokka’s head poked out of the saddle, looking like he wanted to join in. “Sokka--”

“Sokka zero,” Katara said from somewhere on Appa. Azula couldn’t see her. “Sokka negative four.”

Sokka spluttered indignantly, looking back into the saddle with an affronted expression. “No! Negatives aren’t real!”

“I thought we were supposed to wait to say anything until Aang told us to come down?” Suki said, head poking up next to Sokka’s.

“That was the plan, yes,” Aang agreed. “But it’s fine.”

“Oh, good!” Ty Lee said, suddenly appearing and flipping out of the saddle. “I can’t hold still for that long!” She danced over to Azula, smiling widely as she wrapped her in a hug. “Happy birthday, Azula!”

“My birthday’s tomorrow,” Azula said automatically.

“Mmhmm! And we’re giving you a surprise birthday dinner today!”

“Thanks.”

“And then I’m going to stay the night and spend all day with you tomorrow!” Ty Lee said enthusiastically.

Azula started a little in surprise and then let a faint smile play around her eyes. “Really?”

“Yes! If that’s okay, of course,” she added, worry tracing her forehead.

“No, no! I mean, yes, that’s fine!” Azula agreed, maybe a little too quickly. She started to blush, turning her head away a little.

She shouldn’t have turned her head, because now she could see Toph’s expression, which was set in an evil smile. “Azula, your heart rate just--”

“We don’t need to know!” Azula protested, waving her hands frantically in front of her to try and get Toph to stop.

“I want to know,” Aang interjected unhelpfully. Azula shot him a dirty look and he had the audacity to smile innocently at her. 

“I’m so hungry, I’m going to die,” Sokka moaned, walking over. He, Katara, Mai, and Suki had all emerged from Appa’s saddle, Katara carefully holding Momo, who looked about ready to burst into an explosive chatter storm. “Tell me we’re going to eat soon.”

“Sokka, you just ate an hour ago,” Katara reminded him.

“Which means now it’s time to eat again!” Sokka said.

After giving Sokka a long unimpressed look, Katara released Momo. The lemur instantly flew to Sokka and started attacking his ponytail.

Azula turned to Aang. “So… surprise birthday dinner?” she asked over Sokka’s shrieks.

“Well, it was a surprise,” he defended himself. “Our friends just can’t keep a secret to save their lives.” His expression brightened up considerably as he started backing toward the temple. “Anyway, food won’t cook itself! Have fun catching up with everybody!” He cast a glance over at Ty Lee, who was trying to wave Mai over, before mouthing at Azula “ ask her out .”

Azula scowled and, cackling, he took off into the temple, leaving Azula with his-- her friends. 

“No Jin today?” she asked as Mai joined her and Ty Lee.

“Zuko’s giving her his famous apology speech,” Mai said dryly. “Explaining how it was a mistake and he misses her and he won’t push her away again.”

“I take it he’s done that often?”

“At least three times to me, probably more to her. I honestly do not understand how she can take it, but whatever.”

“She seems to be very patient.”

“And super in love!” Ty Lee piped up, grinning.

“Eh.”

“Well, Zuko’s awkward. Did I ever tell you how he came up here in one of the first weeks of me being here and pretty much demanded to see me?”

Ty Lee suddenly went very still, clearly imagining (correctly) how that scenario had played out. It took her a moment before her expression darkened completely. “He did not,” she said, voice dropping to a dangerous level.

Azula was starting to regret bringing this up, because Ty Lee was looking close to murder. “Um… it was fine? I only cried for like ten minutes so--”

“He did not!”

“He… um… he did, yes.”

“I’m going to punch him.”

“Please don’t.”

“I’m going to.”

“I’ll watch,” Mai jumped in. “I want to see it.”

“Two against one, Azula, I’m doing it.”

“That’s not how that works!”

“I have a day and a half to convince you! By the end of tomorrow you’ll be begging me to punch him in the nuts.”

“Oh, spirits, no.”

“Oh, spirits, yes, you mean,” Mai corrected her.

Friendship came more easily to Azula now, and she could feel it. Her conversations with Ty Lee and Mai felt more relaxed than they ever had, each of them free to say whatever they felt, instead of constantly worried about offending someone in the group.

It would seem that everyone had learned from their past, Azula most of all. And all of them were willing to move on, toward a better future.

Katara, Sokka, Suki, and Toph joined them and they expanded their group into a large circle, all of them talking over each other and swapping stories. Katara spent five minutes telling an embarrassing Sokka story. It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if Sokka hadn’t kept interjecting  and actually adding to his own embarrassment by trying to edit the story in a very animated voice.

And as Azula laughed with her friends, and ate dinner with her friends, and talked with her friends, she knew that she had come a long way from the lost girl in prison, or from the crazy Fire Nation princess. She was her own person now, and she wasn’t perfect but she was good, and she was getting better, and that was enough.

It was enough for her friends, who all had forgiven her, even after all she’d done.

It was enough for Ty Lee, who had loved her even when she closed herself off.

It was enough for Aang, who had helped her find herself for the first time.

And most importantly, it was enough for herself.

That was really the most valuable lesson she’d learned, through all the crazy years she’d spent in this world. Nothing comes from nothing, and everything has to start from within. 

And since she’d learned to be comfortable with herself, she was ready to keep growing, keep branching out, and keep sharing herself with everyone around her, opening up like a lotus in bloom.

Notes:

Oh my god I’m so tired I just wrote “peels of lafter” and didn’t even realize it was wrong until two sentences later.

HEADS UP! In two days I’m going to change the title of this work to “Lotus in Bloom,” so if you’re confused and can’t find it, that’s why! I’ll write “a slow recovery” in the tags so you’ll be able to find it again through search, just in case you lose it. I just… I realized the recovery wasn’t really all that slow, and Lotus in Bloom is nicer, so.

Anyway, we made it!!! Thank you so much for reading it all the way through, and for all the comments and kudos. I really hope you liked it!
<3 sabertoothhousecat
P.S. okay, but consider this: <3 OR! Or or or: E>
!!! Isn’t that great?!
Okay I’m sorry. I’ll go now haha
P.P.S. But wait okay so this thing ?! is called an interrobang when it’s connected, look it up.
Okay now I’m leaving for real byeeee

I will always accept constructive criticism, just please be nice!
Also if you find typos please tell me and I will fix them!
If I make any culturally incorrect errors, please, PLEASE, tell me!!! I'm trying very hard, but it's hard to research everything.
I do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender, or these characters, or The Last Airbender (embarrassed to even be writing its title here). None of this is canon and I didn't plagiarize any of it.
My username and profile picture come from this delightful video, which I also do not own, but used to be obsessed with as a child: The Extinction of the Saber-Toothed House-Cat

I now have a tumblr. As of the moment, it has nothing on it, but feel free to come say hi!