Bones is pressing him against the wall of their dorm, his breath hot against his neck and his hands seemingly all over his body and God, Jim wants this – he needs this. Not to think. Just to feel. It’s easy with Bones, to loose himself and just shut out everything else. And that’s what Jim wants more than anything else right now.
He doesn’t want to think about all the funerals he’s attended in the last week, not being able to drown his sorrow in some of the Scotch of this new engineer, because that would mean a fierce hangover and no way Jim is going to dishonour his comrades by attending their memorial services half-drunk. He’s also been to a dozen different meetings concerning his role in saving the earth and shook more hands than he can count. He just wishes they’d fuck off and leave him alone for a second. Alone with Bones, whose warm hands have sneaked under his shirt and now seem to ignite sparks in his belly wherever they touch his skin.
“Missed you,” Kirk breathes, eyes half-closed, and Bones just growls in response, his hands tightening over Jim’s bruised hip, which elicits a moan from Jim.
Suddenly Bones hands are no longer holding his hip, but before Jim can complain he’s silenced by the hands set on either side of his face and Bones’ mouth crushes against his, while Jim feels the day-old stubble scrapping his lips. Bones deepens the kiss, forcing his tongue into Jim’s mouth, not letting him move an inch.
”The mighty Captain Kirk – not so mighty now, aren’t you?”
Jim nearly bangs his head into the wall, his eyes wide open, but Bones doesn’t seem to notice and one of his hands has moved on to run through Jim’s hair.
“Want you,” Bones rasps and Jim’s breath catches in his throat.
”Want you. Want you on all fours.”
Jim looks at Bones and it’s his Bones, god damnit, not anyone else, and he wants Bones to touch him, wants Bones to want him. What he doesn’t want are these memories invading his every waking thought. Nothing had happened. Nothing. He just needs his subconscious to catch up with this truth.
“Turn around.” Bones voice is all deep and sexy and Jim shudders all of the sudden. That’s exactly what he wants. Bones making him forget, overloading all his senses until all that’s left is this fuzzy relaxed feeling he gets everytime he spends his pastime with Bones like this.
He nevertheless hesitates for a second, since he’d rather see Bones when they do it, but the thing is, although people seem to believe that he’s the only manipulative one in their relationship, with his puppy eyes and pouty lips, he can never say No to Bones either. Eventually he turns around, shedding his shirt in the same movement with Bones’ help, and relaxes the moment he feels Bones’ hand caressing his back, before it sneaks around to his front and unfastens his pants. They slide to the floor and Bones cups his cock through his briefs in a firm grip. Jim can’t help but thrust into the contact he so desperately missed during the last week when they had no time for anything but fleeting glances and some stolen kisses.
But now they have the time, and he wants Bones and Bones wants him, and according to the Campus gossip Jim is as good as Captain of the Enterprise, and he is going to pick Bones as his CMO, and as soon as they leave the orbit Nero will be nothing but a distant memory.
”You can’t escape, Jim.”
Fuck you, Jim thinks, and presses harder against Bones behind him. He feels the other man’s erection and Bones is busy getting rid of the clothes, the last one to fall are Jim’s briefs.
Bones murmurs something unintelligible, all the while he strokes Jim’s hard cock with one hand. With the other he slowly begins to open Jim for him.
Jim feels good, he feels relaxed and there are only a few things he loves more than having sex with Bones, who’s lubricating himself and then pushing slightly inside Jim. It all feels fucking perfect.
Of course everything goes downhill from there.
“God, you’re so gorgeous,” Bones says, bites his neck, and Jim freezes.
”Such a pretty boy.” Nero’s voice is loaded with lust and he caresses Jim’s cheek in a sick imitation of affection. “So gorgeous,” he says before bending down and biting him just above the collarbone.
“No, stop.” Jim pushes against Bones, trying to break the connection they have. “Stop.” Everything in him screams to get away, just to run and never to stop. Finally, Bones realizes that something’s wrong. He takes a step back, his expression a mixture of confusion and worry, and Jim nearly sobs with relief that he can move freely again.
“What … Jim?” Bones voice is hoarse from lust and Jim can’t help but back further away from him. Bones vanishes from his sight and he’s on the Narada again, on his back and praying that something, anything, will spare him this fate. And then he sees Bones again, looking freaked out, and Jim can’t fucking breathe and he’s so going to kick Nero’s ass should that bastard ever reappear out of that black hole. But that has to wait until later, until he can breathe again and doesn’t ruin the whole sexy mood by wheezing like he’s having an asthma attack.
“Jim?” It’s Bones again, touching his shoulder, and Jim actually flinches this time. He can’t do this, can’t talk to Bones about it. At least not now – preferably never. He puts on his jeans, doesn’t bother with his shirt and tries to ignore that Bones, standing naked and with an obvious erection in the room, looks at him like he’s turned green all of the sudden.
“I … “ He tries to find words, tries to explain, but his cocky mouth fails him this time. “I can’t … sorry. I’m so sorry.” He stumbles over his words the same way he’s stumbling to the door. Bones moves to follow him, but Jim raises his hands to stop him. “Please, no … just - God.” He runs a hand through his hair and thinks about how he fucked this up big time. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”
He walks through the door, hears it closing behind him. He doesn’t look back.
McCoy feels like somebody has just ripped out some important part of his body and for the life of him he can’t figure out which one.
“What the hell?” He mutters to no one in particular, because there’s noone left in the room apart from him. Which brings him back to what the hell.
James Tiberius Kirk just freaked out on him during sex. James Tiberius Kirk said No to sex.
McCoy needs a moment to get a grip on that concept, then his stomach does a somersault, and it’s not one of the good kind. He’d seen a flash of something on Jim’s face, a flash of some nameless terror. It reminds McCoy of something he’s seen too much for the supposedly decent times they live in, and he tries his best to fight the dawning realization, because it can’t be, no, there’s no way, Jim had promised. Yet McCoy has known the kid for three years, has called him more than just his best friends for two, and he just knows.
Suddenly he hits the floor, any thoughts about sex having fled his mind, and he swallows hard.
James fucking Tiberius Kirk has lied to him. Has lied to his face and about something as important as this, and he can’t decide if wants to kick the kid from here to next week or travel back in time to kill Nero a second time before he never lets go of Jim again.
Jim, he thinks and his heart breaks a little. He needs to find him, he needs to try to fix this, although he hasn’t got the slightest clue how to if Jim couldn’t even admit something’s wrong in the first place and probably never would have told him.
McCoy gets off the floor, slides into his clothes, and ignores the dull ache that comes with this thought.
Jim has no idea where he’s right now. It’s cold and dark. He’s shivering from the harsh wind – at least that’s what he tells himself – and he can’t keep his mind from replaying the events on the Narada over and over again.
”Not so mighty now, aren’t you?” Nero tightens the grip on his throat and Jim thinks that he’s really sick of people trying to crash his trachea all the while he tries to clutch at the hands holding him down. Judging by the dark spots clouding his visions he needs to breathe, preferably now, but Nero’s grip is unrelenting and Jim is starting to lose the feeling in his fingers.
Jim thinks of Bones, of how the other man is going to yell at him if he doesn’t come back, and then he decides he really needs to do something about the situation he’s in, because his last thought didn’t even make sense in his own mind.
“Did anybody ever tell you how beautiful you are, Jim?” The pressure on his throat lessens a bit, but Jim doesn’t even realize it, instead his eyes snap to look at Nero and he sees the leering on the Romulan’s face. Jim would have recoiled if possible. “Want you. Want you on all fours,” Nero whispers.
Jim stumbles a few feet until his hand find a wall and he slides down. The gravel bites into his palms and it’s wet, but he just pinches his eyes shut and tries his best to block out the memory. It’s not real, it’s not real, he chants in his mind. Nothing happened.
“You can’t escape,” Nero whispers into his ear when Jim struggles against him. “How is that, Jim? To know that no one will save you? To know that nothing is going to prevent your life from being ruined forever?”
It has started to rain, it must have, because no way Jim is crying over something that didn’t even happen, and he feels drops of water running down his cheeks.
”Such a pretty boy.” Jim tries to block out the voice, “So gorgeous,” but he can’t ignore the searing pain from where Nero touches his skin.
“No, please … no.”
“Jim?” The voice is tentative and quiet, but Jim raises to his feet in an instant, trying not to sway too much by the sudden change in altitude. He raises his head and sees Bones standing in front of him, hands raised in a placating gesture. “It’s just me, Jim,” he says in a soft tone and Jim wants to laugh, because he knows that, he can see Bones standing in front of him. And then Jim is laughing and he can’t seem to stop, the same way he can’t stop the rain that’s apparently still falling on his cheeks, and suddenly Bones’ arms are around him and he’s murmuring sweet nonsense that Jim has neither the energy nor the urge to make out.
He’s exhausted, his head feels like he’s gone three rounds with Cupcake and lost them all, but what really troubles him is that he can’t seem to catch his breath and isn’t that just great.
“Jim? Jim, you need to … ” Bones grabs his face and Jim actually manages a small smile, because, God, he’s so ridiculously relieved that Bones is here and it all would be okay if he could hear him, since it seems like Bone’s talking a mile a minute, judging by the way his mouth moves. Jim wants to say something as well, to tell Bones that everything is okay and that nothing really happened, but then he’s distracted by the jab in his neck and the white clouds moving into his vision.
He spends his last waking thoughts being thankful that Bones is there to catch him when he falls.
McCoy isn’t easily scared. Hell, he’s a doctor, not a little kid afraid of monsters under his bed. So, it’s kind of hard to admit he’s scared witless with Jim lying unconscious on their bed in their dorm. It’s just that he didn’t know what else to do and knocking Jim out with one of the few sedatives he isn’t allergic to seemed like the gentlest option at that moment.
He ran another scan with his tricorder the moment he had Jim deposited on the bed and it didn’t yield any new results apart from all the abrasions, broken bones and whatever else Jim had managed to accumulate during their short time on the Enterprise – which doesn’t mean Jim isn’t hiding important stuff from him nonetheless, because he is, damnit, but apparently Jim and his definition of nothing happend differ greatly. And who’s going to care for Jim and all the Nothings that will inevitably happen to him once Jim gets to be Captain of the flagship of Starfleet?
It took McCoy three months to realize that James Tiberius Kirk would use him without a second thought as a “no questions/free supply”-doctor for a split lip or torn knuckles and whine endlessly about his suffering, but would silently bear anything major like a broken rib or a nasty concussion. McCoy can only pray that the new CMO won’t be so slow on the uptake as he’s been, because it will probably mean all the difference between a Captain who’s alive and in command and one who falls to the floor bleeding to death from a punctured lung. And McCoy won’t be there to catch him, because Jim will probably become the youngest Captain to date, but no way Starfleet is going to make McCoy CMO of their flagship. Not when he ignored their rules by smuggling Jim on the ship, not when he hasn’t even finished his training. McCoy sighs. No point in thinking about something that hasn’t happened yet. Jim needs him now.
He sighs again and runs his hands along Jim’s cheek, who leans into his touch, which in turn makes McCoy lips form a small smile and his heart break a little. He has missed Jim over the last week, has missed his touch and smile and he had wanted to show him that earlier in the evening. Bang-up job he did with it, since it seemed he has missed more than Jim’s usual cheerful self.
“Come on … don’t make me beg like a love-stricken fool. Wake up so – “
“Bones?” Jim’s voice is slightly slurry and he fights for a second to open his eyes. When he finally does he looks confused up to McCoy, sitting next to him on the bed, who suddenly longs for Jim to sleep on. He has no idea how to breach the subject he knows they need to talk about, but if he has learned one thing from the best friend he’s ever had than to jump headfirst.
“What … Bones, why … “ Slowly, Jim takes in his surroundings and McCoy can literally see the puzzle pieces falling into their places. “Oh,” he whispers and blinks. Regarding the circumstances McCoy thinks that Oh is an understatement.
“Jim,” he slowly begins, “we need to ta – “ He doesn’t even get to finish the sentence, Jim is so fast to scramble out of their bed. “What the hell? Jim!” McCoy gets to his feet as well and blocks Jim’s way to the door. “You don’t get to run away again, don’t you dare!” He growls.
“Bones,” Jim breath hitches and if he says I’m fine McCoy swears he’s going to forget his Hippocratic Oath and the do no harm-part. Instead Jim says “Nothing happened” and even though it’s not I’m fine, McCoy seriously reconsiders his vow.
“You lied to me,” he says instead in his best no-bullshit-voice.
“Jim.” His voice gets deeper, a clear sign that he’s getting angry and he doesn’t want to show that, but, damnit, this is Jim and denial in its primest form and he can’t let it go, because then Jim will get a flashback during some important mission of the Enterprise and he will fuck up and get hurt and won’t ever make it back to Earth, back to McCoy.
“Nothing happened,” Kirk insists anyway and McCoy has had enough.
“You fucking lied to me, Jim! And worse, you’re still lying!” He can barely hold on to himself not to grab Jim and push him against the wall, because been there, done that, no thanks, but he’s really tempted.
“Bones.” Jim sounds exhausted and worn thin, but right now McCoy doesn’t care, he’s not finished with him.
“Stop it! What did he do, huh? What the fuck did Nero do to you?” It’s the second time Jim flinches away from him this night and if that doesn’t hurt McCoy doesn’t know what does, but he has to go on because he wants Jim to get back to Earth alive. “Did he,” his voice breaks and he would prefer Andorian flu and a thousand deaths over what he has to ask next. “Did he rape you?”
Jim stares at him, blinks, once, twice, and sags down on the bed again, his head hanging. “No,” he says hoarsely, and when he looks at Bones again his eyes are shimmering. “But he wanted to. Got called away before, before he could and another of the crew … Spock had stolen the ship with the red matter and … “ He closes his eyes, rubs a hand over them and McCoy sits down next to him, offering silent support when their shoulders touch. “He said all these things, about how much he wanted me, about how gorgeous I’m … “ He laughs without humor. “I’m called that all the time, but when he said it, holding me down and biting me – “
McCoy’s stomach suddenly feels like it’s filled with acid. Gorgeous, he’d called Jim that right before biting him. He doesn’t think I’m sorry is going to cut it.
“I tried to fight him off, but Romulans are even stronger than Vulcans, I think, and we all saw how my fight with Spock turned out.” It’s a lame attempt at humor and McCoy can see right through it, but if that’s what Jim needs to get through this, he will allow him this refuge. “So, you see, nothing happened,” Kirk goes on. “Just another peachy day at the office.”
And that’s when Bones realizes the truth. Jim sits next to him, trying his hardest to surpress the shaking and is bathed in cold sweat, and he still thinks that attempted rape doesn’t count as a valid reason to freak out. That it’s nothing. God, Jim probably believes that he told McCoy the truth that night in the sickbay. Stupid, stupid, idiot.
“Jim,” he stops for a second, but he has to know, has to make Jim get everything out in the open. “Did anything else happened? The other guy, did he – “
“No, that’s all. The other one was distracted by the news of the stolen ship, I got his gun, shot him.” He turns his face to look at McCoy. “That’s all. I promise.”
And McCoy believes him. Now he has to make Jim believe him.
“Jim,” he breathes and takes Jim’s face into his hands. Jim exhales quietly and closes his eyes, some of the tension leaving his posture. “It’s okay to be scared, you know,” McCoy says quietly and of course Jim opens his eyes again and tries to move away from him. “Please,” McCoy whispers. “I know that you’re strong, but you don’t need to be. I can be the strong one for a while.” He sees uncertainty in Jim’s piercing blue eyes, that and fear, and he hopes Jim somehow finds it in him to believe McCoy. “It’s okay to be scared.” Jim opens his mouth and McCoy knows he wants to object to that, so he silences him with a finger on his lips. “It’s okay. Nero,” and he wants to infect that bastard with some of the universe’s most painful and gruesome viruses just to cure and infect him again because of the look Jim gets when he says his name, “threatened you with something horrible, and he’s dead and you’re alive, but it’s still okay to feel fear. You’re still human, Jim. You feel and you hurt, don’t let that son of a bitch take this away from you just because you’re too stubborn to admit you’re not made of steel all the time, okay?” McCoy is probably as exhausted as Jim when he’s finished his speech and he looks at Jim and tries to gauge the impact of what he just said.
“Bones … ,“ Jim whispers through the finger on his lips.
“Let me be the strong one for a change, please?” And McCoy knows that Jim never could refuse his pleading, as he could never say No to Jim.
Jim slowly nods and the first real smile of the day spreads over his face. He takes McCoy’s hand from his mouth and gives it a slight kiss, before he yawns.
“Let’s get you back to sleep,” McCoy orders, relieved that Jim seems to get what he wanted to drive home. He gets Jim to lie back and spreads out next to him, his arms surrounding Jim, pulling him as close as possible and Jim relaxes into him, his heartbeat slowing down under McCoy’s hand.
“You’re going to be an awesome CMO on my ship,” Jim murmurs and somehow manages to snuggle even closer.
McCoy takes his own advice to heart and allows himself to feel the joy upon hearing these words to the fullest. “Somebody will need to save your ass.”
“Wouldn’t want anyone else for the job … thanks – for all, for putting up with me.” The last words are nearly inaudible and McCoy knows how hard it had to be for Jim to speak them out aloud.
“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he replies. “Now sleep.”