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Language:
English
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Published:
2021-07-17
Updated:
2023-01-31
Words:
1,987
Chapters:
7/?
Comments:
22
Kudos:
111
Bookmarks:
8
Hits:
1,756

Homunculi and Friends

Summary:

pipsqueak:
STOP CALLING ME SHORT

hohohoe:
i’ll stop calling you short the day gluttony ties his
hair back

alelric:
but he’s bald

hohohoe:
exactly

or, a fma/fmab chat fic

Notes:

um yeah i have no idea what i’m doing :D i wrote this like a year-ish ago in my notes when i was bored

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Chapter Text

greed added lust, envy, gluttony, and +3 others to Homunculi

lust:
greed, what is this

greed:
idk man

greed:
father wanted us to have a way to communicate
so i made this gc

sloth:
such a bother

greed:
stfu you lazy troll

envy:
both of you shut up

greed:
how about no

envy:
fuck you

greed:
i bet you want to

envy:
KEIRFJFNFJ

lust left the chat

gluttony:
oh are we leaving

gluttony left the chat

greed added gluttony to the chat

envy added lust to the chat

envy:
oh hell no

envy:
if i have to suffer you have to suffer too

greed:
ya

lust:
i want to kms

greed:
no hunty, mustang already did that

lust:
i wish father never remade you

greed:
thanks luv

greed:
n e wAys

greed:
where are wrath and pride

envy:
wrath is doing fuhrer stuff and pride is probably
in school or sum shit

greed:
how very informative

envy:
ur welcome

envy changed greed’s name to dumbass

dumbass changed envy’s name to hohohoe

hohohoe:
damn you

dumbass:
k

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Chapter Text

gluttony:
this gc is boring

gluttony:
we should add our friends

dumbass:
sure

hohohoe:
who would be friends with you losers

gluttony added alelric to Homunculi

dumbass added scar and fullmetal to Homunculi

dumbass changed scar’s name to bestie😹💖🤧🤪

dumbass changed the chat name to Homunculi and Friends

bestie😹💖🤧🤪:
no

bestie😹💖🤧🤪 left the chat

dumbass:
rude

fullmetal:
what the hell is this

hohohoe:
a gc duh

alelric:
who are you

hohohoe:
envy, that’s who

dumbass:
i’m greed

fullmetal:
LING

dumbass:
uh no

dumbass:
i just told you my name is greed

dumbass:
are you illiterate

fullmetal:
sometimes

hohohoe changed fullmetal’s name to pipsqueak

pipsqueak:
who gave you the right

pipsqueak:
W H O

pride:
stfu i’m in class

dumbass:
just turn your notifications off 🙄

pride:
you don’t tell me what to do

alelric:
why are you in school??

alelric:
aren’t you a homunculus

pride:
i’m the first homunculus

hohohoe:
k but no one asked

pride:
...

pride:
i’m fuhrer bradley’s son

alelric:
yOU MEAN SELIM

alelric:
I THOUGHT HE WAS A HUMAN

pipsqueak:
JHDJSFHYNA

hohohoe:
wot the actual fock

dumbass:
i think you broke them lmao

pride:
who even are you two

hohohoe:
they’re the elric brothers

pride:
oh the sacrifices

dumbass:
ya

pride:
i must return to my classes

pipsqueak:
let’s leave, al

alelric:
but we can use this chance to spy and learn their
plan

pipsqueak:
DON’T TELL THEM YOU WANT TO SPY YOU
IDIOT

alelric:
iM SORRY

dumbass:
lmao ur the actual dumbass

hohohoe:
no that’s still you

dumbass:
when did this become bully greed day

alelric:
we would never bully you ling!

dumbass:
i ain’t ling you metal buffoon

dumbass:
for the last time, the name’s greed

alelric:
but-

hohohoe:
#wrecked

pipsqueak:
#no

hohohoe:
#fitemeushortassbitch

pipsqueak:
BRUH iM NOT SHORT

hohohoe:
sure, and i’m ugly

dumbass:
but you are

hohohoe:
◼️⬆️

pipsqueak:
i’ll fight you any day!

hohohoe:
i wasn’t talking to you but okay shortie

pipsqueak:
STOP CALLING ME SHORT

hohohoe:
i’ll stop calling you short the day gluttony ties his
hair back

alelric:
but he’s bald

hohohoe:
exactly

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Notes:

sorry for being so late guys 😭 i got lazy 🤡

Chapter Text

pipsqueak:
i thought you guys hated scar

lust:
we do

dumbass:
!! wow !! you’re actually online !! and texting us !!

lust:
i’m already starting to regret this

pipsqueak:
if you guys hate him so much why haven’t you
killed him yet!

hohohoe:
why do you care

pipsqueak:
bECAUSE HE DESTROYED MY ARM

mechanicwinry hacked the chat

mechanicwinry:
YOU BROKE MY AUTOMAIL AGAIN?!

pipsqueak:
uh

pipsqueak:
no?

mechanicwinry:
count your days edward

pipsqueak:
help-

mechanicwinry left the chat

dumbass:
how did she get in?

hohohoe:
no idea

pipsqueak:
i’m shaking

hohohoe:
ha, pussy

pipsqueak:
what did i ever do to you

hohohoe:
exist

pipsqueak:
fair enough

pride:
you guys are so annoying

dumbass:
i looked in drachma, i looked in amestris, I
looked in xing, but i couldn’t find where tf i asked

pride:
i swear i’m going to actually eat you

dumbass:
ew, that’s cannibalism

pride:
that’s the whole point

lust:
ugh, i just finished my date with the lt. havoc

lust:
he wouldn’t stop staring at my chest

dumbass:
what chest

lust:
are you blind

dumbass:
no, u just have no chest

lust:
i’m literally double d’s

dumbass changed lust’s name to flat

flat:
i hate you

dumbass:
the feeling is mutual luv 🥰

hohohoe:
what is that

dumbass:
what is what

hohohoe:
that ugly yellow thing

dumbass:
omg u don’t know what an emoji is

dumbass:
what a boomer

hohohoe:
no

dumbass:
yes❤️

hohohoe:
tell me how to do it

dumbass:
tell you how to do what

hohohoe:
hOW TO USE THE ENCHILADAS

dumbass:
did you even try

dumbass:
but fine, to use the EMOJIS *ehem*, you
need to click the little circle world globe
thing next to the mic

hohohoe:
okay

dumbass:
wow, you’re not even going to say thanks 😒

dumbass:
i just love being appreciated 🤩

hohohoe:
you don’t deserve my thanks 😎

dumbass:
ew, never do that again

hohohoe:
u can’t stop me 😜

dumbass:
i regret this already

flat:
as do i

hohohoe:
hi 👋 lust 💃

Chapter 4

Notes:

double update 😩

Chapter Text

dumbass:
when envy used that emoji it actually
reminded me of lust for some reason

hohohoe:
which emoji

dumbass:
💃

flat:
i don’t look anything like that

hohohoe:
if you changed the hair color it would

dumbass:
💃🏻

flat:
no

gluttony:
if you wore a red dress you would look exactly
like it :D

dumbass:
see, even the fatass agrees

hohohoe:
that’s a perfect name for gluttony

dumbass:
shit, u rite

dumbass changed gluttony’s name to fatass

dumbass:
perfect

fatass:
that’s mean

hohohoe:
shut up fatty

dumbass:
👹

alelric:
isn’t he your brother, why are you being mean
to him?

dumbass:
because i can

alelric:
i-

hohohoe:
you what?

hohohoe:
finish your sentence you tin can

alelric:
this is bullying

hohohoe:
yes i know

dumbass:
that’s the whole point metal bimbo

alelric:
🥲

hohohoe:
crybaby 😒

pipsqueak:
don’t bully my brother u ugly porcupine

hohohoe:
stfu no one even likes your short ass

pipsqueak:
...

pipsqueak added lingyao to Homunculi and Friends

pipsqueak:
ling yao, tell them that people like me

lingyao:
i could, but i would be lying 😚✌️

dumbass:
damn i like him already

lingyao:
ew well i don’t like your ugly spatula looking ass 🧖♀️

dumbass:
i take it back, burn the little shit

hohohoe:
iM CRYINHFDA SPATULA

dumbass:
die

Chapter 5

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

pipsqueak changed lingyao’s name to traitor

traitor:
wow really

traitor:
petty much

pipsqueak:
shut up u traitor

dumbass:
that bitch is even worse than a traitor

traitor:
rude 😒

dumbass changed traitor’s name to eyeless

eyeless:
lan fan will hear of this!!1

dumbass:
bitch how are you gonna locate her

dumbass:
your eyelashes?

eyeless:
DAMN well who hurt you today

dumbass:
shut your bubblegum dumb dumb lookin
ass up

eyeless:
bro at least give me the chance to talk

dumbass:
your speaking privileges have been REVOKED
you snooty cross eyed mf

pipsqueak:
how can he be cross eyed if he has no eyes

dumbass:
touché my intelligent comrade

eyeless:
OH SO NOW YOU LIKE HIM

dumbass:
do you guys hear anything

dumbass:
cuz i sure don’t

pipsqueak:
nope

pipsqueak:
just a flea

eyeless:
did you just call me a flea...

eyeless added lanfan to Homunculi and Friends

eyeless:
i have had enough of this shameless slander

eyeless:
lan fan, i order you to cut off their tongues 🤬

lanfan:
ofr corse mty loirfd

hohohoe:
LMAO WHY DOES SHE TYPE LIKE THAT

alelric:
she can only use one hand remember 😭

dumbass:
sucks to suck

hohohoe:
u can suck deez nuts

dumbass:
i’ll shove these nuts up your ass

hohohoe:
i bet you want to

dumbass:
you can’t just use my own insults against me
u insult thief

lanfan:
apoilopgieds my lourd

lanfan:
i amn styrughgling

dumbass:
we’ve noticed

alelric:
guys don’t be so mean :((

alelric:
it was wrath who injured her so be mean to him

hohohoe:
true

hohohoe:
wrath sucks ass

dumbass:
fr he’s so lame

dumbass:
he’s not even fun to bully 🙄

hohohoe:
#wrathslander

dumbass:
@wrath

wrath:
what do you incels want

dumbass:
i hope pride eats you lmao

flat:
for once i must agree with these two
mistakes

dumbass:
omg 😳

hohohoe:
i can’t believe she complimented us 😩😩

dumbass:
wow i take it all back i love you lusty 😍🥰😘

dumbass:
#gaslight #gatekeep #girlboss

flat:
i hate my existence

sloth:
existing such a pai- dumbass kicked sloth from Homunculi and Friends

pipsqueak:
how did you kick him mid sentence 😭

dumbass:
a magician never reveals his secrets 😈😈

alelric:
shouldn’t we add him back

hohohoe:
lmao no

hohohoe:
why would we ever do that 😹

dumbass:
exactly

dumbass:
he’s built like a whole boulder

hohohoe:
mans sense of humor is non existent

dumbass:
even if he had one it would be “too much of a
pain 👹” for him to use it

hohohoe:
sloth and wrath worst homunculi 🙄🙄

dumbass:
all who agree say i

dumbass:
i

hohohoe:
i

pipsqueak:
i

alelric:
i

flat:
i

fatass:
i

eyeless:
i

lanfan:
e

dumbass:
close enough

Notes:

THIS IS SO LATE IM SO SORRY AINSIRH BUT ON ANOTHER NOTE merry early christmas and happy early new year!! also, what ships would you guys like to see (if any at all)?i want to know what you guys would like the most :) i think i made this chapter a little longer to make up for the vvv late update 😨😨

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Summary:

written after having eaten broccoli

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

hohohoe:
bro who tf ate all my vegan carbon
monoxide cotton candy lettuce
double chocolate deluxe ice cream

dumbass:
that sounds nasty af

flat:
i pity whoever would eat such garbage

hohohoe:
WELL APPARENTLY SOMEONE
LIKED IT IF THEY ATE IT U WHORES

traitor:
it was me u porcupine 😩

traitor:
and i have no regrets

hohohoe:
this means war

traitor:
yeah sure

traitor:
whatever that means

-the next day-

traitor:
YO WTF

pipsqueak:
IM SHITTING MYSELF OMG

lanfan:
inm siorey my lorrrd (i’m sorry my lord)

lanfan:
i coiuldf nut finde thr culpruit
(i could not fund the culprit)

dumbass:
haha

dumbass:
you said nut

traitor:
shut your ugly pea brained ass the f up

traitor:
THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER

pipsqueak:
IM HOWLING SIHSUHUS

dumbass:
well fine bitch

dumbass:
are you at least gonna tell us what
happened

traitor:
MY BEAUTIFUL LUSCIOUS LOCKS

traitor:
THEY’RE GREEN

hohohoe:
damn

hohohoe:
pack it up broccoli

traitor:
YOU

traitor:
ALL THIS BC OF ICE CREAM

hohohoe:
THAT ICE CREAM WAS THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE

dumbass:
this is so entertaining

dumbass:
oi shorty

pipsqueak:
STOP CALLING ME SHORT

dumbass:
i never said your name specifically 🤔🤔

pipsqueak:
...

pipsqueak:
what do you want

dumbass:
send pics

pipsqueak:
*insert the ugliest broccoli pic ever*

traitor:
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE BROCCOLI

hohohoe changed traitor’s name to broccoli

broccoli:
say your prayers plebe

Notes:

have a short and unfunny chapter bc idk akeniendjdjd this is probably my last chapter before the new year BUT DW i will try to post more in 2022! i hope y’all had a wonderful christmas of you celebrate and i hope you guys have a wonderful new year! happy early new year! <33

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Summary:

dedicated to @mikasasfavwife bc their comments are what gave me the motivation to update ‼️ ily fr bbg 😘

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

traitor:
so we’re just gonna ignore that my
hair is now FCKING GREEN??

traitor:
you’re actually done for envy

traitor:
…once i found out wherever your
guys’ stupid little hideout is

traitor:
i bet you guys live in your mom’s basement

hohohoe:
how could you say that 😢😢

hohohoe:
you know i have mommy issues 🙁

dumbass:
WE DON’T HAVE A MOM U MORON

hohohoe:
mom should have swallowed you

dumbass:
this is why we don’t have a mom

traitor:
BRUH STFU IDC ABT YOUR GOOFY
AHH MOMMY PROBLEMS

traitor:
SOMEONE FIX MY HAIR RN

hohohoe:
right neow

traitor:
what if this was my 13th reason

dumbass:
sayori challenge go 😈😈

traitor:
that’s so rude 🥺 what would your mommy
say 💔

dumbass:
we are literally made from father’s emotions
or sins or wtvr

dumbass:
WE HAVE NO MOM

traitor:
THERES A REASON

traitor:
she didn’t want y’all fr

dumbass:
actually how abt you kys instead

pipsqueak:
how abt you guys shut up instead 😱

dumbass:
i don’t want to hear anything from you 🤨🤨

hohohoe:
the og motherless char ‼️

alelric:
😟

pipsqueak:
32.3182° N, 86.9023° W

traitor:
HELP ME IS THAT THEIR LOCATION

hohohoe:
jokes on you !

hohohoe:
that doesn’t scare me bc i don’t know
how to read 😈

alelric:
they’re numbers not words tho 😭

alelric:
and you do know how to read tho??

alelric:
you’re tying rn

hohohoe:
u stupid

pipsqueak:
i am at your house.

dumbass:
WE DONT’ LIVE IN A HOUSE ??

dumbass:
HOW TF DID YOU GET IN HERE WTF SHORTY

hohohoe:
HELP MEEDC@$67*fhb

traitor:
ED NO WTF

traitor:
i wanted to be the one to kill them 🙁

Notes:

IK ITS SO SHORT AND ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR IM SO SORRY 😭

Notes:

hope you enjoyed jhvgvvfgvvgyj (pls comment 😰😰 i’m desperate for reviews)