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Charlotte's Web

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Charlotte's Web
A masterpiece classic by Jordan, Natalie, and E.B. White

There was a knocking at the door. Hag rid stroked his beard curiously. "Harry? Harryyyy? Is that you?" The knocking continued in rhythmic puntameter. Persistent. As he stood, his chair groaned with pleasure. "I'm comin' I'm comin'" Hag rid bellowed at the door. Stumbling, as he'd already imbibed a pint of dragon milk stout, he reached for the rusty doorknob. He turned it slowly, and felt great resistance as if something were pressed against the other side of the old door. The lock disengaged, the door swung wide to the inside of the hut, knocking Hag rid on his phat ass. The hut shuddered. To his bewilderment, a familiar hairy appendage came into view. As he regained his feet, a dark, throbbing phallice filled the open door and slapped his ruddy face. "Bloody hell!" shouted Hag rid. In an act of desperation, he grabbed a steaming, enflamed poker from the dwindling fire. "Git back, Yap Chowking!" He brandished his hot poker with wild passion, thrusting and dodging his turgid opponent in turn. Their weapons made tudding contact as they exchanged blo after blow after blowe. Hag rid's swolle arms trembled under the tremendous weight of his intruder. Suddenly, in a moment of exhaustive clarity, the identity of the hut's apparent assailant revealed itself to Har gid. It was his arachnid friend from childhood, Aragog. "You silly git! Ar-" but just as he was about to call the spider's name, a figurative sea of sticky, thicky web goop flooded the shuddering shack. As Hag rid fought to the top of the heap and spilled out the open door, his domicile quivered with hutterly pleasure. Finally realizing that he had just witnessed the consummation of love between his old friend and his old hut, Hag rid beamed and walked over to a happily tired Aragog. "High five bro! High five bro! High five bro! High five bro! High five bro! High five bro! High five bro! High five bro!" Hag rid said jovially as he high fived the spider's Harry feet individually. After some more high fiving, Aragog bid the man and his slhut adieu and slowly pushed his way back into the forbidden forest. It was a day none of them would soon forget.

Four hours later, as Hag rid was combing the last bits of his friend's finest spinners from his bodacious beard, he heard a sudden commotion from the chimney. He tore open the shutter and threw up on the sash. A tiny spider-hut crawled from the chimney. It looked just like Hermione. The little spider-hut waved at him. Hag rid moved closer. Then more baby spiders-huts crawled from the soot and waved. Aragog's children were here at last! "Hello there!" said Hag rid, like a douche. "Hello", responded the weirdlings. "I am an old friend of your father. I'm so glad to see you. Are you all right? Is there anything I can do for you?" asked an overly emotional Hag rid. The young spider-huts just waved. For several days and several knights they crawled here and there, around and about, waving at Hag rid, exploring their home/mother. There were so many of them. Hagrid tried to count them, but they kept moving and there were so many. Then one morning, as a warm wind blew softly over Zuckerman's farm, one tiny spider-hut leaped away into the wind. "Goodbye!" she piped. "Wait!" shouted Hag rid. He watched in horror as the little spider-huts floated away on the wind. Then suddenly, another baby spider-hut leaped into the wind as well and floated away. Then another and another. "Goodbye, phatass!" they chirped as they took to the skies. "Stop! Come back, children!" wailed Hag rid. "We're leaving on the warm updraft. This is our moment for setting forth. We are aeronauts and we are going out into the world to make webs for ourselves", the wayward spider-huts responded. "But where?" asked Hag rid. "Wherever the wind takes us. High, low, near, far, east, west, north, south. We take to the breeze, we go as we please", one spider-hut explained in a rhyme like a pretentious spider-hut."No. Please don't go. I'll be all alone. Your mother wouldn't want that to happen, I'm sure. Please don't go," pleaded Hagrid with tears in his thighs. Soon the sky was filled with baby spider-huts, floating away on the wind. Wilbur sank to the ground, crying, his heart broken once more. Then suddenly he heard a voice.