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A Simple Man with Simple Needs

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Steve was very surprised at how much people still underestimated him after he became Captain America. It seemed their assumptions about his physical and mental strength completely flipped; when he was weak and scrawny, most people (correctly) assumed he was a star pupil and very smart, just incredibly weak physically. When he became a “super soldier”, it seemed everyone from Colonel Phillips on down thought he was pure dumb muscle.

The only constant was that everyone thought he was a virgin.

Except Bucky, because they had been out whoring together since they turned fifteen.

The fact was that Steve was very inexperienced with ladies, but not with whores. He knew his way around a brothel, both in New York City and, before he fell into the ice, most of Europe. Like a gentleman, he kept that part of his life hidden from Peggy, but it was a great bonding experience with the Howling Commandos. There really wasn’t anything like sharing a whore to bring men together, outside of battle.

Steve also had other tastes and interests, which he kept squarely under wraps, because there really was such a thing as “too gay” and Steve did not want to bring that kind of reputation down on the uniform.

He had expected things to change when he woke up seventy years in the future, but everyone still thought he was pure dumb muscle at first and still assumed he was a virgin. He wasn’t even going to start in on what he had found out on “tumblr” about queer civil rights.


Tony was very different from Howard, despite appearances, so when he reopened his big ugly skyscraper as “Avengers Tower” and gave Steve a large suite of rooms to live in, Steve felt pretty comfortable talking to him as one man to another. What he knew of Tony Stark was that this was one area Tony could help him with.

“A hooker?” Tony looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head. Steve patted the air between them, trying to get Tony to lower his voice because Steve would either die of embarrassment or die by having his testicles ripped off his body if Natasha heard them.

“Shhh! Yes! You know a few, don’t you?”

Tony pulled out his phone automatically but then stalled. “I have several on speed dial. But that’s beside the point! You’re Captain America!”

“Oh come on! I’m just a guy!”

“Go on a date!” Tony shook his phone at him, looking genuinely upset.

“I tried! I stood her up 70 years ago!” Steve hissed back, hoping no one walked into the communal kitchen.

Tony looked stricken for a second before rallying. “Okay, that sucks. Arguably.”

“Look, a guy has needs, okay? I can’t date, we’re ‘international superstars’ according to Agent Hill and who would I date? You?”

Tony looked surprisingly interested for a second, which completely derailed Steve before Tony barreled on. “We cannot have the bastion of American heartland values ordering up a hooker like Chinese take out!”

“I know a Chinese hooker. Why? You interested?” Clint walked in, Coulson hobbling in after him in a house robe and looking beat as Clint steered him to a chair.

“No! No one in this room is interested in a hooker!” Tony said loudly. Clint and Steve and Coulson stared at him until Tony shrugged. “Not right this second, anyway.”

“Yes, actually, right this second!” Steve glared at him.

Clint, who had opened up a juice box and taken a long sip (he was very territorial about his juice boxes, Steve had discovered), nearly spit it out. “No shit. You? Really?” His grin was wide and scary. Steve did not flinch.

Coulson’s mouth was open, but no sound was coming out. He look pole axed, which was an image Steve tried to smother given the circumstances. Nonetheless, Coulson was in shock.

“Why is this such an issue? Don’t guys still do this?” He pointed at Stark’s phone. “You said you had several on speed dial.”

“Heyyyy, really?” Clint shuffled closer to Tony, who pulled his phone in close to his chest.

“Not for you.”

 “Clint.” Coulson spoke up, and Clint actually did flinch as he retreated from Stark’s phone.

 “Spoilsport.” Clint gave Tony a predator’s grin then turned to Steve. “If he won’t help you out, I can. Or Nat.”

“What? No! Not Natasha!” Steve hissed. “Why would you bring a lady into this?”

Clint blinked, and it was the first time Steve could remember seeing the agent at a loss for words.

Tony spoke very slowly. “You have a very interesting worldview, Cap. We should study that.”

“I’m just…look, fine, I’ll go find something on google.” Steve turned around to leave but felt two sets of hands on him.

“No! Anything but google!” Tony’s voice had a bizarre edge of desperation to it.

“Look, Cap, stay away from that shit,” Clint echoed. Steve turned around, crossing his arms over his chest.

Coulson sighed, his eyes tight. “Tony, find him a reputable hooker. Someone with security clearance.”

“I love how you assume the hookers I know have security clearance.”

“They do now,” Natasha walked in. “I thought we were starting a movie?” She mimicked Steve’s stance, folding her arms over her chest, although that had a much different effect than on Steve. He always tried not to look.

“Cap needs a hooker.” Clint went for a second juice box.

“Oh, God.” Steve dropped his head into his hands.

“Male or female? Tall or short? I have a Thai girl that does excellent massage.” Natasha flipped through contacts on her phone.

“You do?” Tony perked up.

“Mmm. I just sent you her info. She’s very cute.”

“Wow, oh wow. Uh. Thanks. She just might be Pepper’s type.”

Steve’s brain stalled, but Natasha was staring at him with her phone poised in the air. “Cap?”

“Really, never mind.”

She shrugged. “If you don’t feel comfortable with my recommendations, you should ask Pepper. She’ll find you whatever you want, she knows every madam in the city.”

“No, no, I don’t…well, fuck.” Steve ran a hand through his hair.

Everyone was staring at him with their jaws flapping. Tony pointed at him.

“You used the word ‘fuck’.”

Clint’s eyes narrowed. “After asking for a hooker.”

Steve only had a moment to register what they might be implying before Natasha knocked him out cold with a frying pan.


Steve woke up on the couch, his head still hurting but feeling himself coming back to consciousness slowly. Tony, of course, was talking.

“That was quick. I’d say you were out for less than fifteen minutes after being brained by an assassin. You should be dead. But hey, that was long enough for me to do some research, and whoa, you Howling Commandos were serious studs. Just fucked your way across Europe, huh?” Tony was staring at his StarkPad.

“I’m really starting to regret not being born earlier,” Clint said, standing next to Coulson who was sitting down again but still looking pinched and disappointed.

Natasha was behind the couch, frying pan at the ready.

Steve glared at her. “I’m really myself.”

Coulson nodded. “Yes, Banner ran a quick blood sample and you’re fine. No alien possession, no cyborg impersonators.”

“I knew that! Ow!” Steve sat up slowly. “I know I’m fine. I just wanted some company for the evening.” He touched the back of his head, which was healing up but still tender.

Tony stopped and looked at him for a long moment. “I can help you with that.”

“Stark, I swear to God, I will taze your balls,” Coulson snapped. Clint looked at him in surprise.

“Am I not allowed to associate with prostitutes, sir?” Steve asked Coulson formally.

Coulson sighed for a long time. “No no, please, by all means, hire all the hookers in Manhattan.”

“An orgy? I must send for Lady Jane!” Thor boomed from the doorway. “This is auspicious, Steve, and I admire you leadership in these matters, I had feared humans were too prudish. I must insist that you fuck me, though, before we share of the whores. A bonding of brothers! Son of Coul, will your stamina hold?” Thor asked, genuinely concerned, as he pulled out his phone.

Natasha almost banged Steve’s head with the frying pan again, she was laughing so hard.