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Crazy Is Most Definitely Genetic

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“ChimChim!”

An impatient sigh.

“Jiminie!”

The kitchen knife drops onto the counter with a clatter, carrots left forgotten. Footsteps near the stairway to the second floor.

“Jimin, if you don’t answer me right this instant, so help me…!”

Jin mentally counts down from five, his patience wearing thinner as he goes.

5…

4…

3…

Still no answer.

2…

Deafening silence throughout the house.

1-

“Coming, coming! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” Jimin repeats breathlessly as he hops down the stairs two at a time to land in front of his mom. “What’s up?”

Jin purses his lips at the beaming smile on his son’s face and resists the urge to affectionately ruffle his hair under the ridiculous snapback he’s taken to wearing for the past few months (“Jiminie, I can hardly see your handsome face under that thing,” “Mom, all the cool guys at school wear them!” “If all the cool guys at your school jumped off a bridge, would you?” “Ugh, you’re so lame, Mom!”).

Jin doesn’t answer Jimin’s question, just drags the boy to the living room where it looks like a tornado tore through. Jimin is very clearly Namjoon’s son if this mess is any indication.

Jimin chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact with his mom. “Sorry, Mom. I’ll clean it up now.”

“That’s my good boy,” Jin finally grins, patting Jimin on the back. “Make sure this is clean before dinner, yeah?”

Jimin nods, running back upstairs, shouting over his shoulder, “Just let me say bye to Suga!”

Jin sighs and shakes his head. He swears that boy spends more time on Skype talking to his boyfriend than he does talking to his own family. He returns to the kitchen, picking up his knife and continues to chop vegetables for tonight’s dinner, scowling when the front door opens and slams shut-

“Taehyung, what have I told you about slamming doors?”

“My name is V!”

“I’ll start calling you that when you stop slamming the front door!” Jin calls back with an eye roll. Taehyung’s been insisting on being called V for weeks now. What’s wrong with the name Taehyung, Jin can’t even begin to fathom.

“TaeTae!”

“ChimChim!”

Jin groans at the telltale sounds of Jimin running down the stairs and tackling Taehyung to the ground, one of the two knocking over the coatrack if the sound of wood cracking against the hardwood flooring is any indication. “What have I said about roughhousing inside? If either one of your breaks another coatrack, I’m taking it out of your allowances!”

All sounds stop and Jimin pokes his head into the kitchen, “We didn’t break-”

“-the whole thing.” Taehyung finishes, smiling guiltily. “Just an arm busted off.”

Jin levels the two with an unimpressed stare.

“I’ll get Suga to try and fix it the next time he comes over,” Jimin offers, snatching a mushroom from the cutting board.

“Jimin, go clean up the living room.” Jin tells him, ignoring his suggestion for the time being; though he’ll probably take him up on it during Yoongi’s next visit to the Kim household if Namjoon isn’t able to fix the coatrack himself by then (which, Jin knows with 100% certainty, he won’t be able to). “Taehyung-”

“V.”

“Whatever your name is,” Jin says in exasperation, “I know you’ve got a science project due tomorrow. I don’t wanna see you down here until it’s finished, young man.”

Taehyung leaves the room with a huff, stomping his way upstairs. “I know, I know, life’s so tough, kiddo.” Jin unsympathetically calls after him, watching Jimin steal another handful of veggies out of the corner of his eye before disappearing into the living room.

Jin goes back to trying to get dinner ready, the only sounds to be heard are the occasional nonsensical babbles coming from Jungkook in his high chair, the vacuum cleaner, and dinner simmering on the stove behind him.

All is calm.

It’s nice.

And it lasts four minutes.

“Mom!”

“Mom!”

Jin startles at the two shouts of his name, rushing to the living room first to find Jimin with his head stuck underneath the coffee table, attached to the underside by a large glob of gum.

“Mom!”

Jin ignores Taehyung panicky screams for a moment to pull at Jimin, apologizing profusely when his son cries in pain and clutches at his head.

“Ah, Jimin!” Jin frets, kneeling down beside the boy and inspecting his hair: the gum is tangled in at the roots. “What were you thinking? Silly boy,” he mutters.

“This is Tae’s fault!” Jimin nearly wails, fingers scrabbling at his scalp that Jin bats away. “You know he sticks his gum under here!”

“Let’s not blame anyone yet,” Jin says, more focused on scraping at the gum attached to the table with his nails until it falls from the coffee table, Jimin flopping onto the carpet in relief. “Go into the kitchen and keep an eye on Kookie, Jimin. I’ll be back in a minute and we’ll get that gum out, okay?”

Jimin scowls as his fingertips brush against the thick clump of hair fused with gum. “I’m gonna kill Tae!”

“No threatening to kill your brother, Jimin; you know how I feel about that.” Jin absently scolds before running upstairs and into his middle son’s room, stopping abruptly when he sees Taehyung whimpering on his bed.

“Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!”

Jin stares at Taehyung. “Uh…”

“Hurry before it kills us all and takes over the world!”

Jin blinks rapidly, scanning the room for a murderer or… something. Anything, really.

“The spider! It’s right there!” Taehyung points to a large, black spider lazily crawling over his keyboard across the room. Jin stifles the laugh that threatens to burst from his mouth and grabs a leaflet of paper from Taehyung’s desk, coaxing the spider onto it before flicking it out of the open window.

Ewwww! It touched my paper!”

Jin chuckles, then remembers Jimin’s predicament and runs back downstairs, surprised to see his son as calm as ever, making sure dinner doesn’t burn while simultaneously making silly faces at Jungkook to keep him entertained. He walks up to Jimin and reaches above him, grabbing a container of peanut butter from the cupboard. “This should get the gum out.”

Jimin pulls a face as his mom lathers peanut butter throughout his hair. “What if it doesn’t?”

Jin sighs dramatically, working his fingers through Jimin’s hair, “Then we’ll just have to shave your entire head, I suppose.” He laughs loudly when Jimin shoots out of his reach and clasps his hands over his head, bottom lip wobbling adorably. “I’m kidding, Jimin, now come back here. I promise your hair will be fine.”

*

Namjoon’s learnt to expect the unexpected in his own house. Living with his family, as insane as they all are, has prepared him for all life has to offer.

Still…

When he comes home from work he doesn’t expect to see Jin rubbing peanut butter all over Jimin’s head while Taehyung and Jungkook, who’s secure in his older brother’s arms, take turns stealing said peanut butter off Jimin’s head to eat, giggling all the while.

Namjoon feels like the odd one out in this scenario so he steps into the kitchen and sticks his finger in, too, pulling it out to lick at the peanut butter.

“Namjoon! You’re as bad as them!” Jin scolds, though he leans in for a kiss that Namjoon happily gives.

“Do I want to know why we’re eating off Jiminie’s head?”

Jungkook giggles and makes grabby hands at his dad, peanut butter stuck to his chubby fingers. Jin just shakes his head at Namjoon’s question, “Probably not, no.”

*

“It’ll grow back, Jimin,”

Jimin glowers at his dad, tugging his snapback further down onto his head.

“At least now you have a reason to wear those hats,” Jin attempts to joke, smiling sadly when Jimin still looks like he’s going to burst into tears at any second. “Your dad’s right, ChimChim; it’ll grow back before you know it.”

“Easy for you to say,” Jimin grouses, lifting his hat and showing the large jaggedly cut patch on the top of his head, “you don’t look like a freak!” Taehyung bursts into uncontrollable giggles at the sight of Jimin’s hair and the boy slams his hat back onto his head. “I hate everything.”