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Lessons in Dining Etiquette

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“Seriously dude, there’s gotta be some kind of competition. This is boring. Test my genius mind or something.”

Sollux snickered, his head lulling back to look up at the human behind him, “Pleathe Thrider, your ‘geniuth mind’ can barely comprehend our quadrantth. You might underthtand temporal mechanicth jutht fine, but when it cometh to the life or death shit that should be /inthtinctual/, you’re about ath bright ath a black 5 watt.”

Dave rolled his eyes, hidden behind the cheap aviators. Sollux couldn’t help another snicker. It had been a nice serve, no reply from the peanut gallery. And was that a bit of pouting?

“Captor, you’re about as bright as a Windows 95 with a busted backlight.” The blonde retorted, lips pressed into a thin line.

The troll sputtered, almost falling out of his chair. No snickers this time, full out laughter instead. “DV, DV, dude! 95 is an application, not a model. That’s human tech and I know better.”

Dave groaned, “Fine, fine. Fucking computers suck anyway. Still hasn’t solve the issue.”

“We could alwayth thee who’th got the thicketht beatth. Winner getth eaten out?” He offered, hands behind his head, a big smile from his earlier burns.

The human shifted his position, his expression almost impossible to see from behind the glasses. His body language and an undeniable hitch in hormone suddenly didn’t help the smile across Sollux’s face. Dave leaned over Sollux’s chair, looming down over him,

“How about we just cut to chase and see who’s better at the consumption of alien genitals? Been craving some calamari something terrible. With some nice golden duck sauce? Mmm, mmm, mmm.” A smirk to mirror Sollux’s.

“Thauthage and mayonnaithe thoundth pretty good, won’t lie.” Sol chuckled.

Dave made a strange noise in the back of his throat, his face contorting into obvious displeasure, “Dude, you just took this down a dark and scary road of /wrong/. And never say ‘thauthage’ again.” He shuddered, maybe a little too dramatically.

Sollux rolled his eyes, difficult to tell. Dave caught it though and smirked, “Who’s going first? Think I should just lay it out, school you and then sit back and watch you flounder in an attempt to top the impossible to top?”

“If I recall correctly Thtrider, you don’t do a hell of a lot of topping. And if you do, I’m uthually thtill topping in a lateral thenthe. Uke ath fuck, like in one of your brother’th animeth if you athk me.”

“No one’s asking you lithpy wonder. Now shut up and kiss me…” Dave said, descending from his looming position just kiss the troll roughly.

What the two had was difficult to define. Sollux said it was red, but only for the sake of the fact that it wasn’t black. And if it wasn’t black, it was red. Of course, it wasn’t red in any other aspect, but he liked keeping things in their places, and even if the Knight didn’t understand the Mage in all of his quirks, he gave very few fucks, if any at all. He didn’t pity Sollux. At least, not that he’d admit. And Sollux didn’t pity Dave, in the same retrospects. Kind of a rocky relationship with very little admittance to feelings. But hey, the banter was good, the sex was better and no one protested.

The familiar click of glasses and teeth. A couple hitches in breathing at the sudden rush of hormones and adrenaline. Dave was the first to pull back, not surprising as he’d had Sollux’s head pinned back against the chair. He took a small breath, clearing his throat before pocketing his shades, tossing Sol’s up onto the desk.

“Gee, thankth fuckthtai-” Sol grumbled before being cut off by a deeper kiss. Less teeth, more tongue.

The human had to admit, with what little practice with kissing he’d had, macking on an alien wasn’t so bad. The split in Sollux’s tongue was pretty fun to play with and he knew from experience that a well place flick of the tongue to the very center of the split brought-

“Hngh!”

The moan. A sweet shiver ran down Dave’s spine slowly, collecting at his tailbone only to shoot back up lighting quick and coat his brain in multiple layers of, ‘Fuck yes.’

A fist wound in Sollux’s shirt and he was then being lifted, or more guided up out of his chair and down onto the floor. They stood on their knees, consumed by feverish sloppy makeouts. Sollux was the first to break away with a gasp, “Th-tho…” he took a moment to catch his breath, “Tho Profethor Thtrider, when do the lethonth begin?”

A hand gliding up through the crotch of his jeans told him all he needed. Dave cocked an eyebrow, looking up at the slightly taller troll with red eyes, “Lessons started five minutes ago Captor. Where have you been? You need after class tutoring too?”

“Oh no, don’t you dare turn thith into NP’th roleplaying shit. I’ll cathtrate you.” Sollux warned. A hollow threat, but the message still hit home.

A small mock whine, “Aw, that makes things a hell of a lot less fun. The castration bit, not the roleplay. Fuck the playing, let’s get down to it. You have much to learn young padawan.”

He ran a hand down Sollux’s chest, biting the edge of his jeans, laying down to get a halfway decent angle at this. Propping himself up on his elbows, he had a comfortable angle, sliding the troll’s jeans, letting them pool against his knees. Above him Sollux looked down, a small pant hindering a proper pattern. “Really… a Thtar Warth referenthe?”

“Ain’t I classy?”

Dave shook it off, turning back to the task at hand. He knew what to expect, that didn’t make his instincts scream at him to get the hell away from it because genitals shouldn’t ooze sticky gunk or move on their own. Not like that anyway. But just the same as every other time, Dave fought the urge to turn tail and abscond the fuck out of there. When he pulled Sollux’s cute yellow boxers down, he was greeted with a familiar sight. The two yellow organs already half out of their sheath, writing against his lower stomach and upper thighs.

“Teacher’s pets.” Dave snickered.

A small spark of red and blue above him, “Shut up.” Sol growled in between breaths.

“Temper, temper.” the human tutted, one hand running over Sol’s razerbla- hip bones, the other tracing the outline of his nook.

“Getting a little off topic prof- hmph!”

A thumb ran over the split between the bulges already greedily weaving through his fingers and around his wrist, lazily guiding him to the nook. He pressed a finger inside, eternally grateful for the troll’s natural lubricant. It made a mess sometimes, but damn if it wasn’t helpful. Sol pulled his shirt up, looking down over it at the tangled mess.

Best not keep the students waiting Mr. Strider.

A hand with slick trails of opaque yellow slid up the psionic’s chest, pushing a bit against his sternum, hinting at him to lean back a bit. Just a little shift in his center of gravity and the human almost got a face full of, well, it didn’t need technical terms when it looked that good. With his hand still on the yellowblood’s chest Dave started with one flat tongued lick from end to end.

“Hhngh- D-DV.”



He repeated a few times, Sollux an obvious mess from this alone. Duly noted. This wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it might be either. Nook tasted a bit different than bulges, but then again he was sure dick and vag tasted different too. A clawed hand on his shoulder and Dave glanced up, lapping at the top edge to see his face through his own hair and the tangle of bulges that writhed against his stomach and curled in his hair. Fantastic little conditioner there.

A deep yellow blush that spread all the way to the end of his ears and a dim light from his eyes. A palette of primaries against his grey skin. A small spark after every couple licks was all Dave needed to see to know he was doing well. This alien stuff wasn’t as bad as people would think. Little different, but just like with humans, experimentation and a little bit of focus and you’ll know the ins and outs in no time. Metaphorically and literally.

Sollux’s hips bucked, a well measured lap of the tongue ended up with Dave with half of his tongue curled up in the trolls nook. Two harder sparks of the fireworks, ones strong enough that Dave felt the crackle in the air and a deep guttural moan. The human swallowed, trying not to dwell on what exactly he was ingesting, but no fucks given. Until the stomach ache later at least. He curled his tongue back, bushing a rougher patch of skin at the front, just inside the top lip.

“Ahh, do-don’t do that.”

That had been a barely contained plead for more. So Dave, being the reckless rebel he was, obviously did it again. Shame on him. Each time it brought a worse and worse, or rather better and better reaction. Deep, instinctual primal moans simply dripping with lust and want and /need/. An experimental suckle at it and the claws in his shoulders tightened with an incoherent jumble of sounds and panting.

“D-D-” he tried, too swept up in the euphoria to get much more than that out.

Dave sucked on that spot a bit more, flicking his tongue across it to the beat of one of his jams. At the bass drop Sollux lost it. “F-fuck Dave!”

He pulled back quickly, the warm troll crotch Dave had just been loving tenderly was gone and he shuddered through an orgasm, a splash of yellow across the dark floor. One hand still clasped to the human’s shoulder, claws digging in, breaking skin. Dave was pretty sure he’d live. A few arcs of electricity jumped from the edges of his eyes, enough to raise the hair on his arms and neck.

A deep, primal groan that Dave felt in his bones and Sollux’s whole body shook, tremors from the orgasm ripping through him. He panted, trying to hold himself upright. At least he’d been kind enough not to get the majority of the now half a bucket of liquid gold in his hair. How thoughtful.

When he’d finally caught his breath, Dave looked up, one hand propping his chin up, the other thumbing over a drip of yellow down his chin. He licked his thumb clean waiting for the troll to make the first move. Sol finally sat back on his haunches, looking at the mess. Lucky the floors were metal, should be easy enough to clean up.

“Th-tho?” He asked, his words shaky, coming down off the high, “When ith the tetht Profethor?”

Dave shifted back up onto his knees, unbuttoning his pants, “While the lesson is still fresh in your mind…”

Pulling his sword free the Knight smirked, “Pop quiz.”