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A Randomized Sorting of a Dark Lord

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A Randomized Sorting Of A Dark Lord
By: vmiller who owns nothing and claims to own nothing despite an unhealthy amount of pouting, where there may or may not have been puppy dog eyes presented to those whom the pouting was focused one. Oh well enjoy!
'thinking'
"talking"

 

Stormageddon Dark Lord of All
Aka Alfie O.


One day, coincidently 15 years after the battle of Hogwarts (which as a muggle I have no idea about), a young Alfie Owens aka Stormageddon Dark Lord of All was turning 11 years old. And as such the Doctor, a time traveling alien, who pops in at random times and always brings fun (i.e. trouble at least that’s what Mum says well and Not Mum Dad), came and decided to bring me to the Planet of Sajua, where apparently everybody only grows as old as 11 and has waterfalls that taste suspiciously like chocolate milk and the plants taste like candy, it sort of reminded me of the candy factory in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, possibly because the people were short and orangeish.
Anyway random wonderings and planets aside, I Stormageddon Dark Lord of All, also called Alfie by the Peasant population, have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, hah someone recognized my sheer bloody awesomeness, you know despite me just recently *coughcough*today*coughcough* turning 11! So as not to overwhelm you with my sheer awesomeness of my day to day life let us do a time skip to my sorting (Alfie: Your just a lazy writer aren’t you? Me: Who me??? Nahhhhhhhh, okay Yeah but I have a legitimate-ish excurse! Which I will put at the end so Shh! Alfie so I can finish)

*Above mentioned time skip :P :P :P*

Owens, Alfie yells out the Deputy Headmaster(Peasant) Neville Longbottom. At this a few of the teachers whisper a bit. Wonder why? Oh yeah I forgot I totally met them when I was a baby, time travel gotta love it 10 years ago for me 15 for them.
'Hello young Alfie' said the sorting hat
'Awesome a talking hat.' thought Alfie. 'Did you know I once went to a planet who communicated telepathically with hats. Hat phones are cool, like bow ties, and aliens with two hearts, and pineapples. I know completely random but I did learn from the best at random, the Doctor.'
'What an interesting mind. So many places, so many times. WHAT YOU’RE A DARK LORD!' yelled the Hat
That last part must have been yelled out loud because there was a loud gasp and lots of whispering.
“You do know I got that, totally awesome, nickname when I was a baby right? You know right before I, okay mostly my Not Mum, I mean Dad, and the Doctor, saved the world from an alien invasion right? I don’t remember it but there was this thing I was a baby there was a cybermouse and possibly no time travel involved, Mum was livid at Dad when she found out, said that no adventures until I could walk. And then, like a month later for us, we went on a small trip and well let’s just say I’ve totally been here before, not that I remember it. So to the point not a Dark Lord, at least not the way you mean, it’s just a nickname, more or less, given to me by a 2,000 year old alien who at the time may or may not have been dying or planning on dying. Seriously never try to get personal info out of a Time Lord.” I said then realized I had been rambling. "You may precede."
"Oh yeah… Umm interesting…Brave…Resourceful…cleaver…loyal…ummm…difficult….I’ll have to say…Hufflpuff!" yelled the Hat.
Strangely enough there seemed to be a sigh of relief. I wonder why? With all the loyalty in the house its like a ready made to order, untrained, army. What with everybody being loyal and hardworking.
'Silly peasants, Dark Lords are for Hufflepuffs. Note to self: eat less Trix.'

~ people’s names might be spelled wrong but whateves. Thanks for reading, got to get back to the homework I’m procrastinating on! Ja ne!