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Shadows of the Past

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Inside the observation room you see Carly still raging against her cuffs, but surely they won't budge. Emily is sporting a very satisfied grin right now, leaning onto the table addressing Carly again.




Carly stops every movement like she was hit by a thunderbolt and then spits Emily in the face. You feel rage coursing through your whole system and if glances could kill Carly would drop dead this second. How could she dare tainting Emily like that!


Carly starts speaking again, her eyes gleaming insanely.


“You'll pay for that Emily. I'll kill you, or I'll have you killed. Or even better, what do you think: will your precious JJ still love you when you're a little disfigured? Scars all over your face and body. Burn marks, where your skin is the most soft right now. No nerves to feel her caressing you. You'll never be safe again. You'll always have to look over your shoulder, my shadow will haunt you and hunt you down.”


And then she starts laughing and it's the most insane sound you've ever heard, salvia dripping from her mouth and her eyes are those of a maniac. And you swear to God that you'll protect Emily with all you've got; even if she won't be your friend anymore, even if she never talked to you again. You will not let her suffer in your place.


Emily's phone is ringing; seemingly untouched she uses a handkerchief to wipe the salvia off her face and answers the call, leaving the room in the process.




The door to the interrogation room closes behind Emily and cuts off the sounds of her conversation effectively. You turn off the microphone; you're not able to listen to Carly's ranting any longer. You got what you needed; hopefully you'll never have to see her again.


Emily's still not reappeared and you start to wonder if she'll even bother coming back here. But then you remember her ready bag, still resting in the corner of the room; she'll at least come back to get that.


You sit down in your chair again, not able to do anything else. For the first time at the BAU you're at a total loss what to do next. Sure, you could go back to your office and start on the paperwork, but if you're honest with yourself then it doesn't matter to you. Nothing seems to be important right now. Maybe you should simply get up, leave your badge and gun on the table and disappear. But you can't even muster the strength to simply get up right now. Does it really matter?


You take your badge out of your jacket and look at it thoughtfully. You still remember the day you finally got it; you thought you managed to leave your past behind completely. You really believed that you were able to start over, forget your mistakes and be a better person, or a different person at least. You look at the picture and see your younger self look back at you; and you realize that you were wrong. Your past is an undeniable part of you, the darkness will always be there, inside of you, lurking in the shadows, threatening to come out and devour everyone who happens to be near you.


And now you managed to endanger Emily; you know better than to take Carly's threat lightly. It's really all your fault. It really might be better if you just got up and left right now.


You remember the first time you saw Emily. She came out of Hotch's office and you were at once taken by her beauty, by the aura of confidence radiating from her. The thought scared you a bit. It had been a long time since someone managed to catch your interest at first sight. You remember that you were torn between wishing she would join the team so would get a chance to get to know her better, and running the other way so you wouldn't be tempted.


It had taken a while, due to your difficulties with trusting new people in your life, but eventually you became friends. Emily really snuck her way past the barricades you erected after Carly. Penelope being the only other friend you had at the time. Sure you had co-workers, buddies, associates and the occasional fuck, but you let nobody really come close.


But Emily earned your trust, never pushing, never asking. She was always just there in the right moment. By being your friend she became yours. And soon after you realized that you felt more than just friendship towards her. But the thoughts, the fantasies, the dreams that came with it totally freaked you out and it had taken you the better part of a year and some lame, boring and unsatisfying trysts with Will to come to terms with your feelings. You finally were able to admit to yourself that you were gay. You hadn't been with a woman since high school; your occasional one-night-stands being men. But Emily got under your skin and you weren't able to pretend any longer.


Things really started to work out nicely between the two of you. And then: BAM! Carly was back and everything you had built up crumpled to pieces.


What should you do now?


Suddenly Emily is beside you; you never heard her enter, but she's there. She puts a hand on your arm and you tense under her touch.


“JJ?” Her voice sounds deeply troubled and your eyes are drawn to her. “JJ, what are you still doing here?”


You look at her questioningly, “What?”


“What are you doing here? You've been sitting here for almost two hours just staring holes into thin air. I thought you went to your office when Garcia called me. She's really worried.”


“Why would she be worried?” You don't understand what Emily's saying. The case is almost closed; why would Garcia be worried.


Emily sighs and you wonder why she even bothers checking in on you. She surely has a lot of paperwork to do.


“Hotch just called a few minutes ago. They got her and are coming back tomorrow. He told me to take you home.”


Her voice is calm, almost like she's talking to a child. You sense that she's holding back something, that something's bothering her deeply.


“Should I give you my badge and my gun?” You want to save her the trouble of breaking it to you gently; you really want to make this easy for her.


“What? Why would I want your badge?” Confusion is clearly written all over her face for a moment. She looks at you more closely. It seems she's searching for something in your eyes. Finally she gets up.


“Enough with this shit. Come on. I'll take you home. You need to rest. Clear your mind a bit.”


When you don't move, she takes your hand and drags you behind her, grabbing her ready bag on the way out. You really don't care what happens to you right now so you simply follow her, looking forward to being home. Alone. Quiet. With the nice bottle of Tequila you bought the other day.


To your surprise Emily stops at her own condo and foreseeing your question she starts to speak.


“There's no way I will let you be by yourself tonight. You're in no condition to be on your own right now. Come on. We need to talk.”


“What's there to talk about? I screwed up big time. End of story.”


Emily sighs again. “Look JJ. I really don't want to discuss this here in the car. Can we please get inside?”


“Fine. I guess I have no other choice anyway.”


You get out of the car and slam the door a little too loudly. You really don't know what Emily possibly would want to talk about. You are over, there is no sugar coating it.


Emily opens the door and you follow her inside, heading straight for the big windows facing the Capitol. You love the sight. Was it really only just two days ago that you stood here with Emily watching the sunset? Feeling all giddy inside like some high school girl because Emily's arms would sometimes brush against yours. Thinking about her lips and how it would feel to kiss her, to touch her. Was it really just yesterday that you finally took that step and did kiss her and made love to her?


You hear Emily busy in the kitchen, getting some coffee ready probably. Suddenly she's standing right behind you, her hand softly squeezing your shoulder.


“Jennifer, let's sit down and talk about this, please.”


“Fine. Whatever.” You walk over to the couch and sit down, Emily just one step behind you. She sits down beside you, one leg folded beneath her in order to be able to face you.


Once again you can't bring yourself to look at her, but she takes your chin and turns your head towards her.


“I'm here JJ. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you.”


You look at her in utter disbelieve. “What's bothering me? You really have the nerve to ask me what's wrong? Fine. I'll tell you. I AM WRONG. Okay? Everything about me is twisted and sick and just wrong. I'm gay and yet I enjoy dick. I like to be punished and I like to be tied up. I like to be fucked up my ass. The harder the better. And you are always kind and caring and gentle. How could I do that to you? There's no way we could possibly work out. That's what’s wrong with me.”


You worked yourself up during your little speech, nearly yelling at Emily in the end. Tears are streaming down your face freely. After your outburst you have no strength left and just collapse into Emily's arms.


She's just holding you, rocking you gently back and forth until you calm down and stop crying. You can't believe she's still able to even touch you; you feel so dirty and tainted; but being here in Emily's arms feels so good, so right.


You can't imagine why Emily still cares so much. Hearing your story must have repulsed her, there's no way she would still want to be friends with you. You sigh. There's really just one thing left she probably wants from you. The only thing everyone ever wanted from you since high school. Carly had warned you and she had been right. Everyone just wants to fuck you. Even if they didn't admit it at once. And if that's what Emily wants from you, you certainly are willing to give it to her.


When you start speaking again your voice sounds defeated, tired.


“What do you want? Do you want me to finish what I started earlier? Fine.”

You turn towards her, push her onto her back, open the fly on her pants and get one of your hands inside before she has any time to react. But after her first moment of shock she slaps you across the face, pulls your hand out and holds both of them firmly in a death-grip.


“Jennifer Ann Jareau! Stop acting like a whore!” She practically shouts at you, leaving you stunned. “What do you think you're doing?”


You try to break free from her hold on you, but she's determined and you are really tired. You can't get free and it starts to turn you on. You bite your lower lip to stop from moaning, trying to control yourself.


“JJ, please.” She continues more softly. “Please stop fighting me. Listen to me. Please!”


When you see tears in her eyes you sober up. You stop fighting against her grip on your wrists and she loosens her hold a little but doesn't let go completely.


“Okay. I'm listening.”


She seems relieved that you finally start to come back to your senses.


“I want you to listen to me closely okay? I will not leave you! Not ever. I don't know what you think about me, but I can assure you. I'm no angel either. What you told me didn't disgust me and wouldn't be near enough to drive me away. So you like dick. Guess what: me too. And you like it rough. Nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with you. You only made one mistake. You trusted Carly. And she told you that you were sick and twisted. I’m sure East Allegheny played its part, too. JJ what do I have to do to make you believe me? I love you. And I don't want to lose you.”


You can't believe what you're hearing. She can't be serious. Surely she misunderstood something.


“Emily. You don't get it. I am gay and I like dick. So much, in fact, I pick up random guys to be fucked sometimes. Maybe you don't think it's wrong and disgusting. But I do. I don't wanna feel that way. I've managed to keep it under control for so long now.”


“So basically you say I'm wrong and twisted, too?”


“No! You're the most compassionate and gentle person I know.”


“But JJ you are caring, too. You're gentle and sensitive and kind. You are a wonderful person. There's nothing wrong with your desires. Everyone has the right to unwind and to let loose and give into their wild side. It's what makes us human.”


“But ...” You can't bring yourself to believe in Emily's words. She couldn't possibly have a dark streak to her.


She sees the doubt in your eyes and takes a deep breath. Inwards you prepare for the next speech, but all she says is: “Do you trust me?”


Your answer comes quick and without hesitation. “Of course. With my life.”


“Good. Come.”


She pulls you up from the couch and leads you upstairs. You actually suspect that she's leading you to her bedroom but she turns left, opens another door and leads you into some kind of study with a big, old desk, and bookshelves covering nearly all of the walls.


She then leads you to the front of the desk and tells you to close your eyes. You're getting a little nervous but you do what you're told and close them. You hear Emily opening some drawer and rummaging through it. You lean heavily on the desk, exhaustion finally catching up with you.


Suddenly she's standing behind you again, very close; you can feel her breath on your neck and it makes you shiver.


“Trust me!” She whispers into your ear.


But you don't have the time to process what she's saying when you feel yourself being pressed face down onto the desk. She's taken you by surprise and manages to cuff your arms spread-eagle to the table before you're able to react.


“Emily… what the heck? What are you doing?” You try to fight the restraints but you can't move because she leans above you, adding to the weight pressing you down onto the hard surface of the desk. Her hair tickles your cheek and she whispers again: “You need to trust me. Please!”


You feel yourself nod. And then she's shoving your shirt up above your breasts unceremoniously and unclasps your bra pushing it up also. The desk is cold against your now bare breasts and you feel your nipples harden instantly.


She presses up against you from behind, the desk crushing your hipbones and you know you'll have bruises there tomorrow but you feel yourself getting wet with arousal.


And then there's her voice again, while she's busy opening your pants and slipping them and your panties down to your ankles, forcing them over your shoes so you're standing practically naked bent over that antique and probably expensive as hell desk.


“You know what I'm gonna do to you? What I wanted to do since I first lay my eyes on you, but never dared to hope for. You remember my first day? How you gave me the tour and told me everything about procedures? All I could do was imagine how your tits looked and how you would taste if I licked you and how I wanted to press you up against your desk and fuck you from behind.”


Emily's voice is raw with need and arousal and you can't stop the moan coming from deep down inside you. This is exactly what you dreamed about, what you wanted Emily to do to you since the very first day and what you never dared to hope for. All your doubts are gone, you can hear it in her voice; she's enjoying this as much as you do.


“You like that, don't you?” Her voice is teasing and sultry; and you're dripping already.


“Oh God yes. I need you to fuck me. Fuck me hard!”


You don't know when or how she took her clothes off, but you feel her skin now. Her breasts pressing into your back, her thighs against yours and something long and hard between your thighs.


“Oh I will.”


She presses your legs apart with her knees and enters you with three fingers without any warning.


You can't hold the scream and you hope that the walls aren't too thin, or that the neighbors are deep sleepers at least. But the thought that someone might actually hear youturnsyou on even more.


“Oh my God JJ! You're so wet.”


She starts pumping into you and you haven’t been this turned on and hot in a very long time. You moan and thrash about, not caring that the cuffs cut into your wrists and that the table crushes your hipbones even more.


You hear yourself begging for more, for harder, for faster.


And suddenly Emily's fingers are gone and you scream out in frustration; you're so close. But then you feel the strap-on sliding through your wetness, Emily coating it with your own juices. And you shiver in anticipation.


“Damn Emily. Don't tease. Fuck me already!”


And without any further notice Emily enters you with the phallic object and pinches your clit with one hand at the same time, while her other hand fists into your hair, pulling your head slightly towards her. And you scream again, because it's too much. She starts moving into you carefully and slowly, a little deeper with every thrust, to let you get accustomed to the size.


But it's too slow, you want hard and fast and you say so.


“Fuck Emily. Stop being careful and make me come already.”


And you hear her groan: “God JJ.” But she picks up speed and her thrusts become deep and hard and fast, just the way you like it and it's only a matter of minutes until you come; hard and fast like she fucks you, screaming her name until your voice gives out and you go limp beneath her, gasping for air.


You feel like your bones and muscles have turned into Jell-O and when Emily pulls out you groan, aftershocks rippling through your body.


You barely register that she's undoing the cuffs, freeing you from the desk and cuffing you again, your hands behind your back. You hear her hissing though when she becomes aware of the marks on your wrists.


By now, she's standing near your head and you don't care about your wrists, because you can smell her. The scent of her arousal a heavy perfume, mixed with the evidence of your own arousal, invading your senses.


She's standing right in front of you; you hear her breath coming in ragged gasps. And then she lifts your chin up with one hand, the big, black, fake cock nearly in your face.


“Clean it up!”


In the first moment you don't get what she means, but when she moves her pelvis forward, the cock nearly pushing into your mouth, you understand perfectly what she wants.


Just a second ago you thought you couldn't possibly move for at least a week but now you already feel yourself getting turned on again. You can't believe the boldness Emily is displaying, but you are absolutely ready to find out what else is to come.


You open your mouth eagerly and moan as you taste yourself on the fake cock. You feel Emily stare at you sucking and licking her fake dick and see her tremble in excitement, her abdominal muscles flexing and tensing in a rapid sequence. And you hear her moan out your name. You would love to touch her and make her come hard and fast, but you know this is her show and you are quite content with the part you're playing right now.


Suddenly she pulls back, panting heavily. She's fumbling with your cuffs again, this time fastening your hands together at some point above your head.

“Turn around. On your back.”

You see that she's opening the harness and stepping out of it, walking around the desktowards your feet.


You still feel like Jell-O. But somehow you manage to turn onto your back, your ass on the edge of the desk. You raise your head a little and see her kneeling between your legs. Her hands pushing your legs apart, wandering upwards on the insides of your thighs.


She throws you a smoldering look as she takes a deep breath, inhaling your scent deeply and all you can do is moan at the raw hunger in her eyes. You spread your legs further apart, lifting yourself up a little to meet her eager mouth halfway. You can't believe you're already that turned on again, but as soon as her tongue makes the first contact you're reduced to a moaning body again. You let out a frustrated groan because you would love to bury your hands in her hair and hold her head right there. Right there, with her tongue between your folds. And she's making humming noises sending vibrations through your clit into your whole system and all you can do is moan and scream and beg her for release.


“Oh God Em, please. Please. Yes there, right there.”


And then her tongue is on your clit and you feel like you're about to explode, because it's still too sensitive and a second orgasm is crashing over you.


You might have passed out, because the next thing you know is her adjusting the harness with the attached cock to your hips, its base resting firmly atop your too sensitive clit. And you whimper because the contact sends aftershocks through your drained body. But when she looks at you, hungry, predatory and sexy as hell, you feel re-energized. Your imagination is working overtime and the thought of Emily climbing atop of you and impaling herself on the black cock sets you aflame again.


And then she's doing exactly that. With feral grace she climbs atop the desk kneeling over you just above the fake cock. But then she leans down to you and kisses you sensually, slowly. The kiss completely different from all her previous actions, in stark contrast to her behavior. You can feel her wetness on your tummy and she's breathing heavily, trembling with excitement.


“I love you so much,” she whispers. “Never leave me. Please JJ. I need you.”


And then she's sprinkling little kisses all over your face and your throat, continuously whispering. “Please JJ, please. Don't leave. Please.”


And you can't believe she's the one begging you to stay and not the other way around. And you sense that she's holding back on your account. To show you that this is all about you and your dreams and not about her own needs. She wants to show you that it can be different, that your experiences aren't what really counts, and that with the right partner everything can be perfect.


You have to swallow before you're able to speak, your voice hoarse from overexertion.

“I won't. I promise, I won't leave.”


You hear her sob against your shoulder and you know she has to be tense all over, needing release as much as reassurance.


“Don't hold back Em. Please. I wanna see you riding that cock. For me?”


Her sobs turn into moans against your skin and when she sits up you can see the primal need reflected in her almost black eyes. You bite your lip and groan quietly, Emily's glance sending lightning bolts through your body.


She raises herself up on her knees and positions her center over the cock. You can't avert your eyes; your glance glued to the image before you as Emily lowers herself slowly but surely onto your fake dick. The pressure on your clit is sending tremors through your body and you fight to keep your head up, not wanting to miss a single moment.


As more and more of the dildo is disappearing inside Emily's core, she throws her head back and moans, and you know this won't take very long. It will be over too soon.


And then she's really riding you. Her movements becoming rapidly faster and erratic. Each thrust pushing onto your clit with tremendous force. You fight to keep your eyes open, moaning in unison with Emily who's moving frantically now, trying to find the much-needed release.


And then she's pinching her own clit and gets tense all over, screaming your name.


“Oh God Jennifer!”


And it takes your breath away how beautiful she looks in this moment, how uncontrolled. Finally she collapses atop of you, gasping desperately for air, and you never felt better in your whole life.


You want to hold her and caress her but your hands are still cuffed to somewhere on the damn desk and you can't move them; you're not sure you even feel your arms anymore. So you put tiny kisses on her head, make soothing sounds and wait for her to calm down again.


After some minutes, you can't really say how much time has passed, her breathing evens out and she starts to stir, pushing herself up carefully, to sit upright again. She groans a little, the cock still buried deep within her. She doesn't move any further but her eyes wander over your body longingly.


“You are the most beautiful person I've ever met, Jennifer Jareau. Inside and out. And don't you dare think otherwise.”


The emotion in her voice and the sincerity make you smile. “Right back at ya!” You whisper lovingly, not sure what else to say. You wriggle your arms a little and groan at the pain shooting towards your shoulders. “How about you uncuff me already?”


The devilish glance she's sending you makes your heart skip a beat and takes your breath away.


“Not yet. There's still something unfinished.” She only smirks at you, ignoring your questioning glances. Raising herself up from the cock she moans a little. She slides from the desk and you can see her juices glistening on the cock still standing tall at your center.


She moves around the desk and you try your hardest to follow her with your eyes. She frees you from where your hands are bound to the desk but cuffs them again behind your back. Then she helps you to sit up at the edge of the desk, your feet just reaching the floor.


And then she's in front of you again; looking straight into your eyes while she's sinking down to her knees. You wouldn't have thought it'd be possible, but her glance makes your arousal rise again. And when she peaks her tongue out to lick around the tip of the dick and along the shaft you feel like your legs give out beneath you; but her hands are gripping your hips tightly helping to keep you steady.


And then she's sucking ”your” dick and you can't remember seeing anything so damn sexy and hot in your whole life. And you feel as tense as if she was really sucking you and not some fake dick. All the while she's keeping your eyes captured with her glance. And you desperately need to touch her now, but your hands are cuffed behind your back and all you can do to spurn her on is moan and gasp and move your hips in sync with her.


“Oh God Emily. What ... shit! Oh my God.”


And suddenly you feel her entering you with her fingers. Two or three, you don't know and you really don't care because all you can feel right now is the heat coursing through your body, overloading your synapses and centering in your core, discharging all the tension and sending you over the edge screaming.




You feel your knees give out under you, but Emily is there catching you and laying you down carefully. She finally uncuffs you, massaging your arms tenderly to get the blood circulating again. And you hiss in pain because it hurts like hell as the feeling starts to come back to your hands and arms. After that she unbuckles the harness and slips it off you.


You feel yourself gathered up in her arms and lifted from the ground. She actually carries you to the bedroom, nestled securely in her arms, your head resting on her shoulder.


And you never felt safer and more at ease in your whole life as you drift off to sleep in her arms.



Two months later


You sit in the kitchen by yourself reading the morning paper. Emily is still asleep upstairs; it has been a long night again. But something woke you up early; some gut feeling, and you couldn't go back to sleep. So you decided to get up rather than to disturb Emily's sleep with your tossing and turning.


You're sipping your coffee and even if you barely slept three hours you're finally absolutely content and happy with your life.


It had taken a lot of talking, after the edge was off you were both finally able to address your feelings and fears towards each other and towards your jobs. You agreed on keeping a facade for the job; both of you keeping your own apartment, arriving separately at work, separate rooms when out in the field. The team knew of course, but it was something everyone agreed to silently. Besides Garcia of course; who squeed and hugged you both, insisting instantly to be JJ's best man and the god-mother to all of your children.


Soothing Emily's fears wasn't as easy. Her fear for you needing men from time to time was warranted given your history, but when you explained to her that you were only dating men out of your fear of being gay and that she was all you had ever wished for, she was persuaded easily enough. After all she trusted you with everything else and therefore she decided to take your word for it and trust you completely.


Eliminating your fears, that you might hurt Emily's feelings with your more unusual desires had been a lot more fun. Whatever fantasies you threw at her: Emily was up to it, playing along and having as much fun as you did. And really, the only one ever to catch you during one of your semi-public trysts had been Garcia (You had to kick her out, because she refused to leave muttering something about too hot to be hidden.).

And so, here you are, sitting in Emily's kitchen reading the morning paper. You couldn't have imagined your life any more perfect than this.


Until your phone rings.




“JJ. It's Hotch. Carly and Sofia managed to get away.”


~ FIN~